Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The School Bell

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

We're no strangers to saucy toys on this podcast, but one mum shares her secret that requires drastic measures. The ladies have been tackling daily mum life with Emma solo parenting and Sophiena wrestling her evergrowing clothes pile! Plus we're asking for your help decorating the studio, so if your children's drawings need a new home, send them in to the Secret Mum Club Gallery! You can find our contact info here: https://audioalways.lnk.to/secretmumpodSN Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and the pot and the podcast and this is a podcast is it for you i need to wipe my snot hold on wait we sound like we should be welcome to the sex line because we've both got well i've got a cold and you've got hay fever so we're a bit bunged up aren't we this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club i was gonna say how's your week been but i can see you're full of snot i just I was going to say how's your week been

but I can see you're full of snot I just can't get enough of it it's ruling my life hay fever I'm not going to lie to you it's getting the best of me yeah I'm pissed off

yeah it's mad that people message me and tell me that they're pissed off at me fucking talking about it I'm pissed off I've had it and what's with the fucking weather we're near on barking Christmas the weather's this fucking cold

I was just saying it's meant to be the worst summer for 100 years stop it 50 days of rain it's rained every day already i was gonna say that's like 40 days and 40 nights isn't it yeah but that's where he stopped having sex wasn't it yeah oh there goes the ipad there goes the ipad and there goes the baby sadie is crying and ready to get the iPad. Hold on, why don't I just feed him? Did Renly kick that? Yeah, Renly kicked the iPad off. This is going great. You know when we said about working home was too hard?

Working in the studio, she's just whapping out her titty. Now whap them tits. Right. So yeah, my week's been wild. I had a mass washing. Your laundry. It's too much, it's too much it stresses me out you stress me out to be honest i've got enough laundry for a family of four can't imagine what you're going through well i've just got four and one more it's the same as yours but bigger children

i feel like their clothes need washing more do you think oh yeah because dotty has about 10 outfit changes a day you know colby's in muddy football kids which need washing every time chris is always shitting himself do you know what do you know what though i have admitted defeat i've sacked off the ironing oh mate my mom can't believe that i don't iron anything i just i gave it up i've admitted defeat i just i can't be bothered with that shit there is no point apart from they do go out looking like a dishcloth yeah and that's a little bit that's what my mom would say that's a little bit so i have to still I can't be bothered with that shit. There is no point. Apart from they do go out looking like a dishcloth. Yeah. And that's a little bit. That's what my mum would say.

That's a little bit. So I have to still get the ironing board out in the morning that they need an iron. Just for the one item. Just for the one item. Yeah. Yeah. Or I do it the night before and lay it out. Yeah.

That's quite, what is it? Forward planning. Yeah. But I'm never that fucking organised. No. I think I've done that once. I say, I don't iron anything. And I say to Stefan, iron your shirts as you go

on the day that you need them. They all get creased in the fucking wardrobe anyway. Yeah, it never bothers. Went through Dottie's wardrobe the other day and he broke my heart.

I stood for fucking hours ironing every item in there and it looked like a jumble sale. Do you iron bedsheets? No. My mum irons bedsheets and she can't get over that I don't iron them.

Her and my mum will get on like a treat. I say to her, you're going to crease it getting in that. Exactly. Stop. And once you put it on the quilt it flattens out anyway. She says, oh it's a different experience when you get in it. Such a mum thing to say.

Such a mum thing to say isn't it? Right Suze. Right Suzanne. Fucking hell. But no I don't iron bed sheets. No, the fuck's got time for that. I swear when we were little my mum used to iron our knickers. Yeah, my mum ironed our knickers but I feel like all my mum ever did when I were little my mom used to iron our knickers she yeah my mom ironed our knickers but i feel like all my mom ever did when i was little was ironing yeah and you know what my mom had my sister older sister ironing when she was about five i swear there's a picture i think my sister got burnt by an iron once she was ironing and making a cup of tea kettles and irons at the age of about five or six i don't know whether my sister got burnt by a kettle burnt by an iron but

she was like five imagine colby and dotty doing that she was in the care of somebody else which i think was more mortifying for my sister what do you mean like my i think my mum's friend was looking after her an old lady in the um i want to say actually she was in my grandma's tower block and it was one of my grandma's neighbors getting her to do some ironing yeah yeah that's the 90s do you know what somebody i put a story up about how i was preparing the bottles to bring them here today and somebody was like fucking hell can't handle this how are how the gen z raised their children and didn't kill them is it the gen z what no are they saying that you're being too paranoid because you're sterilizing bottles

because i've got sterilized bottles and sterilized the powder and somebody wrote well oh it's a wonder we survived back in the day and i said you know what i completely agree You should sterilize in bottles. Because I've got sterilized bottles and sterilized the powder. And somebody wrote, well. Oh, it's a wonder we survived back in the day. Yeah. And I said, you know what? I completely agree with that because it is a faff. And they didn't do that back in the day, which is fine. I get that. But equally, I'm not really one to just risk, you know.

No. Oh, should we risk a bit of salmonella poisoning? Nah, fuck it. It makes me laugh when people say it was better back in the day because it absolutely wasn't. People died younger. Did they? Life was shit. I thought the life expectancy

back then was like 60. Yeah, younger. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's what you said. Yeah, yeah. I was listening. Yeah.

Obviously. That's it. Nothing. Nothing cracking. No, nothing's new. Nothing's cracking. Why is hay fever bad, by the way,

when the weather's... Raining. Rainy. I have no fucking is hay fever bad by the way when the weather's raining rainy i have no fucking idea i thought it was when the weather was nice no as soon as it rains you're fucked literally when people like i'll have a shower wash the pollen off no it's worse is it because the rain releases something out of the ground are you allergic to grass i don't know what mine is either i think mine's grass pollen but mine's not so bad at the moment but i've got this horrible cold which i was smug because everyone else in the family had it last week. And I was like, I've avoided it because my immune system's banging. This week, I feel like I'm dying.

I thought breastfeeding give you like a heightened immune system, like you were stronger. Well, that's what I thought. That's what I felt like. But now it's taken me down. And I've had the weirdest symptoms. Like I've had, I feel like my teeth are falling out have you ever had that with a cold I put it on Instagram and everyone said sinusitis have you had that no I don't know I just that's actually really scary they don't fall out though

they're not falling out but they just feel like really achy and kind of loose I know people messaged me saying oh yeah I've had that and when I walked downstairs it felt like my teeth were gonna fall out that's kind of what I feel had that. And when I walked downstairs, it felt like my teeth were going to fall out. Stop. That's kind of what I feel like. That's really scary. I know. How were you eating? Did you still eat?

Because you love food. I can chew, but it's like tender. Did you ever have braces? Yeah. Remember the feeling when you'd had your braces tightened that day and it was like. I've got braces in my face now. No, like the proper ones, you know. Yeah.

When you'd had them tightened. Train tracks. Train tracks. Yeah. And your teeth were like so tender. Yeah. And they that's what it feels like and you feel like you're eating with somebody else's teeth yeah honestly that's how i felt with the the invisalign as well yeah but not as severe because i don't think i needed much move no but you'd bite you take them out the trays out on the day when you put like a newer tighter one in that is exactly what my teeth

feel like at the moment but just all the time wow Wow. I know. I think it's to do with like inflammation because I feel like generally my head is expanding. Have you been to the head cold doctor? I haven't been to the doctor

but I did go to the dentist. Did you? Yeah because I was going to the dentist anyway and when I was there I was like what's... Are my teeth falling out? Are my teeth falling out?

She went no they're all securely in your head. Just take it. Are they going to fall out? She did say I need eight fillings. Fuck off. Iings. Fuck off.

I know. Fuck off. That sounds really bad. Only one of them was like a filling for a hole. The rest of them is to make up the gums where my gums have like,

I've basically worn my gums away by brushing too hard. So now I've got to have fillings like on the front to like build up the tooth. What in the fucking Lord Jesus Christ? You get free dentistry though. Did you know that

if you've just had a baby. Only up to a year. Up to a year, which is why I'm getting all my appointments in now. I know. I was like, any chance I can get some composite bonding? I know.

I actually haven't been to the dentist for about 10 years. As soon as I had a baby, I was in there like, where's the teeth? Where's the teeth whining at? I've been three times in the last two weeks. I just literally said she's been three times. Yeah. They were like, we've never seen you before. No, I've just three times in the last two weeks. I just literally said she's been three times. Yeah, they were like, we've never seen you before.

No, I've just registered. Yeah, I tried to wangle it on my dentist so I could get some composite bonding. Yeah, it falls out. Well, with the fillings, they said you can get like the standard NHS ones for free, but if you want them to colour match to your tooth, which obviously you do want.

Yeah, I don't want black ones or bright yellow. You do want bright white ones or black ones. £60 a tooth. So what's that times eight? I don't know. Get a calculator. Anyone got a calculator in their back pocket?

Hold on. £480. Fucking, that's more expensive than your hair. Do you want your hair appointment that time? My £300 hair.

Yeah, these teeth will last a bit longer though. Longer than the hair? Longer than the haircut. Well, hopefully. You'd like to think. It might be worth doing. You'd like to think they're going to last a bit longer though. Longer than the hair? Longer than the haircut. Well, hopefully. You'd like to think.

It might be worth doing. You'd like to think they're going to last a little bit longer. You okay, Renners? No, we're having a fight with the bottle here. Does he have seven ounces already? No. Seven in there? Oh, six.

It's just frothy. He is frothy. It goes up as well. I mean, he looks like he takes a seven ounce. I was going to say, Joseph has seven ounces and he's two and a half wow yeah but obviously he has food as well i was gonna say he does have food yeah i do feed him yeah but we only have four to five bottles a day yeah whereas she's constantly on the tin constantly on the tin yeah but how much do you think she takes in a sitting i don't have no idea it'd be interesting we talked about have you expressed it

yeah yeah i can express like it's normally five ounces at a time which is oh so that's pretty in a sitting? I have no idea. It'd be interesting. We talked about translucent boobs, didn't we? Yeah, I can express like, it's normally five ounces at a time, which is... Oh, so that's pretty much how much she's taken then. Well, she might not be taking all that every time. That's just what I get out on the pump.

And I only pump when my boobs are really full. Just because... I thought they said that how much comes out is how much they drink. Well, who knows? She's not like... She might not be draining the boob every time. No know yeah that's annoying isn't it so yeah pretty quiet week for me yeah not much is really not much is really happening not gonna lie i've started the

process of um looking into getting my garden done your bush not me bush bush but me bush yeah me got me actual garden to your garden, I've got an exciting plan for it. Oh, have you? I just need to put the wheels in motion, really. Okay. I want to have a jiggery-pokery in the house as well. Are you going to get a landscaper in? Kill me crazy.

No, I'm going to do it myself. Are you? Yeah. God, you're so good with projects like that. I would never do that myself. I'm going to do it with my dad. Oh, yeah. Well, you're handy, aren't you?

Yeah. I haven't got any skills. Don't put yourself down like that. I mean, you've got some skills what are you good at you can read the news really quick i can read and talk yeah and i can't do either of those so that's why we're the perfect match i will warn you with real grass though stefan has a nightmare keeping on top of our lawn it needs to be cut about twice a week do you know what i really really want to do i want to make like a little football pitch yeah and put the little lines on there that would be adorable a lot of upkeep though a lot of upkeep a lot of upkeep yeah

who's going to be the trimmer you or dots pair of scissors just send around that keeper occupied for a good week that will fucking hell six weeks holiday coming i just might get out there every day a couple of weeks by the time it's grown, she'll have to start again three weeks in. If you can get lines in it like a football pitch, that'd be my dream. So yeah, that's where we're at at the moment. How was your week? We digressed.

Yeah, we digressed. I don't know if I've given you the tongue tie update yet, have I? Have we not? Well, because I gave you the update. Maybe we've been talking, but we haven't shared it with you. On the pod. Yeah.

So the reason why it's fresh in my mind is because loads of people have messaged me telling me about their tongue tie experiences. Oh. Saying that it really helped when they had it done. Should I choose to get Sadie's cut? But I think since then, I've seen, I feel like I've spoken about this already. The NHS.

I've seen the NHS one and she basically said, no son, tongue tie, you don't need it done. I think you told us, didn't you tell us? So thank you for all your messages, everyone who DM'd me, but we aren't getting it done oh i was gonna say what is because we haven't actually had a conclusion that's gonna be the outcome i think because she's doing great she's doing fine feeding's comfortable now i feel like i don't know when it happened but i feel like you just suddenly turn a corner with feeding and then you're like oh it's actually fine i'm really comfortable and i mean look at her she's constantly my nipple and it's it's fine i think it's actually fine and really comfortable. And I mean, look at her. She's constantly in my nipple and it's fine. I think it's a combination of just like

your nipples get a bit tougher and also the baby grows and gets better at it. Do you have tough nipples now? They're definitely like different from before having babies. Like the damage that was caused, I think you'll be able to see it on there forever because I've kind of got like

where my boobs were cut, it's kind of scarred like scar tissue so you you can definitely on the actual on the actual nipple on the bubbly bit yeah on the end of the nipple so you might my nips will be different forever stop it post baby and it's all right when they're full of milk but when you stop breastfeeding they look like let down balloons it's horrible and then when you have your third one no thank you never again being ill this week and having two children is just not no not the one people with more than two kids like don't know how we're psychos we're a different breed yeah to be fair though i am seeing a lot of stuff on my fyp about how um

the third baby makes you want the fourth baby oh and i'm not gonna lie but i i know i'm definitely i will categorically say that i'm not having any more babies. Because I feel like he is a false advertisement. I know. He's beyond good. I get so, my Instagram's so targeted though. So much baby stuff. And I know as soon as she's bigger, I'm going to be like, oh.

You've got one more left, didn't you? Do you think? I believe it. I believe you can. We shouldn't sing about him, should we? Oh no. Oh God. He's been cancelled.

He has been cancelled. Everyone's trying to cancel Eminem, aren't sing about him, should we? Oh, no. Oh, God. He's been cancelled. He has been cancelled. Everyone's trying to cancel Eminem, aren't they? Are they? Why? Because he's brought out a new song and people don't like it. What's it about? Emma's not on TikTok, so she's basically living in a bubble. Yeah.

She's deluded to anything that's going on. I don't know what's happening in the world. I asked her to do a TikTok trend today and she said no. Maz asked her and she was like, yeah. Yeah, sure. Maz asked, so yeah, sure so yeah sure i've got a tiktok account i just don't understand how to use it i'm just a lurker it's okay do you lurk at me yeah of course oh my god yeah my girl um in other news stefan went on a stag do did i talk to

you about that no he went to estonia for three days did he survive he survived did i survive should be the question fuck did i survive at home on my own with two children? Did you ask your mum to come and help? I don't think, she didn't come up. I don't think they could make it. Oh, selfish. Did you ask Stefan's mum and dad? They live five hours away, so.

I mean, crucial. Yeah, but it's time. You just got to think it's the time. You get to see your grandchildren. Yeah. I know, you should. You should advertise it like that, shouldn't you? Yeah, you should.

Make them feel bad. Blackmail them. 100 100 yeah he um i think he was a bit torn over going to be fair but he's very close to the groom and he's going to be a groomsman at the wedding so i was like do you know what go it'll be fine he booked it all and then he was like oh should i go like it's really hard at home on your own with a toddler and a newborn. I was like, no, no, no, no. Like, you've spent the money now. Like, he was starting to lose like hundreds of pounds. So I was like, you should go.

You should go. Yeah, no, you have a good time. You should go, honestly, please. Next thing I know, he's sending me pictures from a rooftop bar in Tallinn with a cocktail. And I'm like, fuck you. Don't fall off of that roof I mean have a really great time hope you're having the best time yeah yeah it was yeah it was hard it was hard bedtime on your own is it's no joke it's not um I said what is it isn't it weird because

it is hard but I feel like you you just power on, don't you? Do you know what's funny as well? I'm like, oh, it's hard when you're in it. Yeah, it's really hard. And then when he came back, I was like, actually, do you know what? I don't think I need a husband. Way up the pros and cons. I did say, I fucking smashed it without you, to be honest.

To be fair, you did. Yeah. He doesn't even need to see what you did. No. Just the fact that he left you. He knows. He did come back with a present. He got me some perfume. I think he felt bad. What, duty free? No. you did yeah he doesn't even need to see what you did no just the fact that he left you he knows he knows he did come back with a present he got me some perfume i think he felt bad what duty free no no not a duty free yeah you pick something up on the way through britney spears fantasy

20 euros no he got me some nice perfume the one i like 50 she's gonna fucking need that 50 benzene edges don't even get cigarettes in duty free anymore can you showing me age do you ever used to come back from holiday and people be like sorry can you get me um 200 cigarettes yeah my mum used to go my mum used to put them in our suitcase right whatever you do don't make eye contact don't look directly at them yeah and you'd be walking through it in you with your suitcase i think i'm doing it mom nothing to declare 60 facts in my back those are the days oh god those are the days the things that our parents made us do yeah how fucking hilarious but do you so he got you perfume from estonia now he got it when he was back in

london what the fuck that's even fucking worse why buy it duty free oh he's gone to london he's thought oh i've been back two days fuck it i'll go get her a perfume just let her know i was thinking of her no at least get it in duty free you can only get it in liberty darling it's cheaper what perfume is it lalabe I don't know who that is. Exactly. Is it posh? It's because you're a Londoner. Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.

Yeah, shout out Le Labo. It's really expensive. So if you're listening and you want to sponsor the podcast, let me know. Are we really the image for Le Barbo? Not if you say it like that. What is it? Le Labo. Le Labo. Le Labo. Le Labo. lababo i know if you say it like that what is it lababo lababo lababo i don't think i'm posh enough for that hit me up britley so emma and i really want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what

we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod.com now before we hit up the correspondence corner we need some help obviously we always need help um but we need some help decorating oh yes we're gonna need some help with decorating. Yeah, our walls are looking a bit bare. They are. So we want your help. Every parent has a huge pile of drawings and paintings that the children have made. We all know that.

But there's never enough space on the fridge to hang them up. So? We want you recycling. No, we don't. We want some pictures, don't we? Yes. So why not send them to us and we can hang them proudly in the secret mum club gallery yeah it'll be like our very own version of art attack it can be whatever you

want but i really want someone to draw me and emma yes i would love a self-portrait maybe a caricature yeah someone could do a caricature mainly we want some from like billy who's five yeah shropshire or yeah i might do a self-portrait and hang it. Yeah. Safina, 35. Geriatric. Because that's all I fucking am. Geriatric mum.

So yeah, you can send a picture in. Post them to us if you like. We'll pop the address on our Insta bio. Or you could, if you're really fancy and you've got a scanner, scan it in. Send it electronically. Or just take a picture of a picture and then email it. On your phone. Send it via pigeon.

But we cannot wait to see your creations. So the floor is yours. We want loads sent in. And we're eager. Take it away. Now it's time for... Correspondence Corner! Take it away, Redlay.

Oh, never there when you need him. did just do a little he did all right this one says hello secret mom club hello you talked about how frustrating it is when our children won't put shoes or coats on etc well i have a tip make everything a game for example i would do who can put their shoes on the fastest or who can get into their pajamas the fastest also make sure to get yourself involved i participated in all of these races and it really helped make them feel like i wasn't just making them race so they'd get their shoes on and if they didn't participate i would say come on mommy is getting a head start i guess that means i win the chocolate ah okay bribery and it always resulted in them quickly grabbing their shoes and shoving them on their feet right i'm not gonna lie to you i've tried this didn't work this caused absolute chaos uproar we live

in a tiny bungalow as it is so trying to race through the streets through the streets through the corridors of my shoebox house um it causes nothing but upset they shout each other they hit each other they trip each other up so then when i said right mum will get involved i try and race them then everyone's fucking crying because i won obviously i'm not gonna let them win i i take it maybe you need to i i eat my treat with pure pure satisfaction and then suddenly my children don't like me anymore it is wonderful it is wonderful if you can get the children to do that yeah it's definitely worth a try but i think the older they get the harder the game is like shit's not funny anymore you know like stuff isn't funny anymore they just look at you like no mom no and they take it far

too seriously they're far too competitive i think if you're at the age of like maybe two two and four two to four maybe there's a window where that works yeah would dotty even not do that now no i think she i think she's worse than colby i think she'll take your fucking kneecaps out she'd just launch her shoe straight at you down the hallway you think you're winning i'll stop you and then shoes fly everywhere coats yeah also we try and do the the race to who can put their school uniform dots will put her pants over her shorts or she came home the other day and she was like oh you know we um you know we had a race this morning i might have cheated and i was like right okay what have you done she

went i didn't wear any pants right so you went to school pantless she loves going commando yeah she went pantless lucky she had some shorts on because jesus christ can you imagine if she sat down in the morning rug? Bloody Nora. But she, no, she just skipped out the pants just so she could win. Yeah. They're too competitive. Far too competitive. Also, you need another child to race them with.

Like Joseph, well, I'd have to race with him now, but he doesn't have a sibling that he can race with at the moment. So I'd have to do it and let him win. But I think when the time's right, like when Sadie can do it. If she's a bit older, maybe they'll do it together because they're close in age as well. Yeah, we'll try it. But it does set off a little bit of a,

little bit of a, I can imagine. Crazy one in the house. Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you. I also can't bribe Joseph with chocolate because he doesn't like chocolate. She doesn't give him chocolate.

No, but he actually doesn't like it. He had one, he had an egg at Easter and he spat it out. If I've conditioned him to not like chocolate, I'm chuffed with that. He actually says to me now, I don't like chocolate.

So. That's you, you've done that. Yeah, good. That poor boy. Has he ever had a Happy Meal? No, he's never had a McDonald's. Never had a McDonald's? No.

What's your thoughts on that? Do you think you want... Sometimes on the motorway, Stefan will be like, oh, can we... Because Stefan loves a McDonald's. I love a McDonald's. I do too.

He'll be like, can we get a McDonald's and Joseph can have one. He's two and a half now. And I'm a bit like, I do too. He'll be like, can we get a McDonald's and Joseph can have one. He's two and a half now. And I'm a bit like, I think the longer we can hold out the better. He has, tell a lie,

had a couple of our like chips if we have one and we're in the car. Does he have chicken nuggets at home? No. No. Fish fingers? Yes.

Yeah. I always think that the option, the best option is the fish fingers because I think if I'm going to make them at home and put them in the oven, I might as well just stop for a Happy Meal.

Yeah. They get a toy and I don't have to cook there's no washing up just chuck it straight in the bin yeah but i'm a three three times a week kind of gal are you mcdonald's on the mac yeah because i'm near your house no but it's near colby's like near football so when we're out and because we're out so late sometimes yeah i just pick them up on one on the way back chris loves it i it always used to be such a treat getting mcdonald's for tea when you were young and mom's like can't be bothered to cook tonight i remember the day i braces again i remember the day i had my braces off and mom was like what do you want as

a treat now that you can eat with your teeth and i was like i want mcdonald's and i had a quarter pound meal and it was uh i still remember it such a great nostalgic and now it's just so it's so easy we can get it isn't it wild that now you're a parent like now you're a grown-up yeah you can just buy whatever shit you want you can have it whenever you want and no one can tell you off no absolutely no right yeah my mom can't tell me nothing she can't tell me shit you can't tell me shit mom you can't tell me what to do anymore i'm a grown woman to be fair my mom and dad weren't that strict on diet because i feel like people didn't really know

about nutrition back then either we were having like Lucky Charms for breakfast Pop Tarts McDonald's I don't think anyone was worried about it

but now obviously there's too many people that help you yeah well thank you for that thank you Anjali that's a beautiful name beautiful name

alright a couple of weeks ago we spoke about our mutual disinterest in the Harry Potter series do you remember you're a wizard Harry you're a remember? You're a wizard, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry.

Well, so if it's kicked off. Oh, has it? It's kicked off, innit? I knew we were going to piss people off with that. I know, we've started a war. Have we? Yeah. Oh, the Potters are coming for us.

The Potterheads are coming. We did a poll on Instagram stories and thousands of you got involved and we asked whether you were a Potterhead or not. And the results are in. Drum roll, please. It was was 50 50 at one point it was 50 50 or 49 51 yeah how do you think our listeners have voted do you know what the 50 50 actually it threw me off because i thought we didn't really have any potter heads that were listening no i wouldn't have thought we did um but i was shocked by the 50 50 yeah me too i would have gone higher maybe i would have gone 70 30 yeah does that make 100 anyone got a um calculator is it 70 30 no this is closer than brexit oh one answer got 51 of the votes and

the other got 49 so it was really close and the majority of our listeners are potterhead potterheads shit the bed only just but potterheads what in the fucking harry potter crazy shit do you know what i feel like it was really our generation of like people because they came those books came out i think it was like 20 years ago wasn't it so we were probably like the perfect has it just had a 25th it's not as many as 25 years old is it 20 harry potter the first book this is why stephan got so into it because he was like the perfect age to read it like early teens wow he was one of those people that used to queue up for when the new books came out queue up at wh smith at midnight you know there's so many

things you tell me about stephan and nothing ever me. No, I'm never shocked. You just nodded then like, yeah. Yeah. I knew. Of course he did. My guy. He was the only one. He was probably the front of the queue with his tent and his chair. With his cape and his hat and his wand.

What is he? A Hufflepuff, Gryffindor? I think he would be a Gryffindor. Scribblen? Gryffindor. What's the other ones? Which is what Harry is, I think. Slytherin is like the mean ones.

Yeah. Hufflepuff, I think they're like a bit silly And I would be a Hufflepuff The fourth one Ravenclaw Ravenclaw And what are those attributes?

They're the clever ones Bookworms Oh so maybe Then we should have a vote As to which potter you fall into Yes Now that we know your potter Right we're gonna have to do

Oh we can do a TikTok trend where you can pick which one you would be in. Wait, let's us do a quiz as well and see what house we'd be in. Yes, yes. This podcast has taken a turn that I didn't think it would take. We're all over the place today.

It's fucking wild up in here, isn't it? That was unexpected. So I reckon I'd, well, I think I'd like to be a Hufflepuff only because I like the name Hufflepuff. Aren't they yellow? I think you might be a Hufflepuff. I think I'd like to be Gryffindor.

I think you'll be a Slytherin. I haven't got a fucking clue. Mean. What is Stefan? I think he'd be Gryffindor. Oh, you said he'd be Gryffindor. Yeah, I think so. You're going to have to do it now when you get home.

Do the quiz. Yeah. Me and him, Gryffindor, together. What do you think Chris would be? Hufflepuff. Slytherin. He'd probably be something like a, what is it? Ravenscroft.

Ravenclaw. That's so Raven. I'd like to be in Ravencroft just so I can be a part of That's So Raven. Yeah. Do you remember that show? Yeah. I didn't watch it though. Tanya's been in touch.

She said, ladies, how could you not like Harry Potter? It's a childhood classic. My partner and I watch all the films every Christmas. Right, Tanya, listen here, hun. Childhood classic. That is,

I'm talking art attack, fun house. This is childhood classic. Yeah, Blue Peter trying to get a badge. Not Harry Potter. I'm old though, aren't I?

It depends. If you're a little bit younger than us, it would have been your childhood. It would have been your generation. So she said, with two little ones now, when I'm old though, aren't I? It depends, if you're a little bit younger than us, it would have been your childhood, it would have been your generation, yeah. So she said,

with two little ones now, when they're old enough, we'll make it a Christmas tradition. That is nice. They're very Christmassy, the films. I can't believe you watch

them all every Christmas, that must take forever. They're very Christmassy. Yeah, they're always on at Christmas. But they're fucking long as fuck, aren't they?

Seven films, I think they're all right. That's going to take a bloody long time, isn't it? It's going to fucking take a decade. That's a really long

Christmas day. I don't think they do them all in a day. She just said every Christmas. So they're not watching Gavin and Stacey. Over the Christmas period. I mean, that's where I thought you were all going to be at. I thought you were all going to be at. And the fact that it's fucking returning.

Gavin and Stacey Christmas special. Yeah, and it's returning. Where are our people? Where are our people? Here's for my people. Come on my party people. Come on my party people. Come on, my party people. Izzy's also been in touch.

She said, I'm not much of a Potter fan either, ladies, but my 35-year-old partner listens to the Harry Potter audiobooks to go to sleep every night. SOS. Izzy, my girl, I'm with you. Stefan listens to those to go to sleep as well. That's why we don't share. I've got a tip for you.

Don't share a bedroom. What in the fucking lord jesus christ this is why me and stefan don't share a bed what a bit a bit a bit but yeah a bit a whale music yeah you tell him red i don't fucking i've not put but can you imagine i'll put that on that'll put you to sleep i thought one of them was like a horror film no harry posse because i think they're red people find them soothing because they're read by stephen fry i believe, has he got a nice voice? Yeah.

Does he sound like us? No. He's intelligent. We sound quite sexy today. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Yeah, Stefan's actually just bought a headband. Have you seen those?

So you can go to sleep and listen to your shit audio book in your head so that your partner doesn't have to hear it. Even though I'm in the next room. Even though you're in the next room. Fucking hell're in the next room fucking hell he's wild isn't he honestly he's an 80 year old man in a 35 year old's body he also listens to um agatha christie right anywho if i'm married i have no idea is it too late to get out of it two kids deep that's why i've held off the um held off the wedding plans to be honest yeah easy escape yeah that's what i was thinking yeah yeah so you can get in touch with us literally on anything at all literally it could be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we

know that we are we're all together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for us to share our secrets. Here's my secret of the week. It's not really a secret of the week. It's more of a can we just normalize some things. Because there's some things that have been, you know, i gotta get off my little hairy chest um can we talk about and normalize the fact that there isn't a bounce back a snap back because i feel like no one talks

about it enough post baby body post baby body it's it's a big thing it's a big thing and i'm trying to normalize the fact that we not everybody just snaps back yeah because it's so do you know what it's been all over my and as much as i am trying to lose weight i'm not trying to lose weight because i'm not happy with the way i look i'm just uncomfortable in my body you know yeah so i have been talking about the fact that i'm trying to eat better make better choices just to get me feeling a little bit better in myself but nobody talks about like the snapback that there isn't one yeah some people get it some people don't do you get a lot of messages about that yeah do you but not so much bad like i have bad ones where people are like oh how did you let

yourself go you're disgusting who says that hope chris finds someone better you know them sort of shits but then i also do get people that are that say thank you that i am just normalized in the jelly belly that we are 13 13 weeks 13 weeks three months yeah and i haven't you forgot your own baby's age we're not gonna get into that discussion today a few months we're a few months yeah we're a few months and i haven't just bounced back i haven't just we're two very completely different people. You went straight back. I, but that's just body types

because I've done sweet FA. But what annoys me is the fact that it's not, is so, all that's out there is that everybody just goes back straight away. Yeah. There's nothing out there

that says actually, no, you don't go back straight away. And there's things that you're saying now that don't, aren't the same as what they were before or haven't gone back as quickly as what they maybe did after joseph r.i.p my belly button i think we spoke about she wants surgery on it yeah i want cosmetic surgery on my belly button but this is one of those things that's my war wounds from carrying humans and i just want

to normalize that i haven't gone back i still have two stone that i'm still carrying two stone more than what i was before i fell pregnant but just go easy on yourself like I always say nine months in nine months out yes even a year I think they say it takes like a year to get over having a baby it takes two years for your hormones to go back to normal yeah but I just want to say put it out there just to anybody that is listening that it is completely normal yeah just give your body time it's also hard to get any shit done when you've got a baby like eating well planning meals exercising like i barely have keeping yourself alive let alone a baby exactly i've got time to wee some days i had to shit with him on me the other day because he was added

i've done that loads he had his jabs he felt so bad i had to take a shit with him on me it's the first time of the first the first child that i've had to take a shit wee i have never taken a poo holding a baby so like who's thinking about getting to the gym or like eating seven different fruits and vegetables a day that's a skill in itself i'm living on toast and cereal i'm not gonna lie to be fair i have been living on toast recently only because we've had jabbies and brennan's has been brennan's has not taken to it too well but also comments on really runny's head what's wrong with his head people are saying he's got a flat head at the back

a little bit flatter than the other two he's looking at me as if to say it's true it's true what she says people are slagging off my head but you know what

the amount of people that just automatically assume that I don't do anything with him people are saying he's got a flat head because you lay

because I'm lazy all you do is care about the other two you don't even care about him anymore and then you get somebody else it's like all you do is talk about the baby what about the poor oh you can't win you can't win you can't win but he he literally is either sat on my lap or he's you're always holding him always holding then people be like you hold your baby too much why don't you put them down you make a rod for your own back so just again just normalize just normalizing some shit that he does have a lot of tummy time he should just bloody just a shit i saw you trying to demonstrate his tummy time the other day on the changing room he's just

like face down it's not for me it's not for me not for me mum lots of people did suggest putting a towel under him but when we do tummy time we do have a little uh pillow a little pillow that we put underneath him but he doesn't really like it i, he sits on the floor for a couple of seconds unaided. Yeah. He loves to sit up. Great. He loves to take in the world. They do have to lay down sometimes, though, to like go to sleep.

Yeah, and the other two were both tummy sleepers. Oh, were they? From early? Well, you're not supposed to let them go on their fun, are you? And I would only ever advise to do it when it's under the rules of a medical professional. I will say that. Both the doctor, pediatrician advised both on Colby and Docty

to sleep on their tummies. Before they could roll? Yeah, before they could roll. But Redley doesn't like his tummy. Don't want to be on his tummy. Neither of mine have liked any tummy time at all. He wants to be on his back. He's absolutely living on his back.

He's got wind as well so yeah that was just he how can people say that he's so cute well should we check it out do you want to have a look at his head do you want to have a look you can have a look at his little i don't feel but don't give him oh god yeah no don't give him a compliment he's perfect poor lad that's just the shape of his little head and he is he's got a little bit of a, it's a little bit misshapen because. Is that because of how fast he came out? I don't know, to be fair. But also he likes to predominantly sleep more on this side.

Oh, right. Sleeps with his head to one side. No, he looks beautiful. Sorry, Renly. Don't let anybody tell you, Renly. So yeah, that's basically my not so secret rant. Not really a rant, just normalising. Normalising normal normal shit you know

so let's get into some of yells we've got three secrets from you which we're going to be discussing this week so emma is going to take it away with number one all right this one says hey safina and emma my two-year-old was in the era of asking what's that all the time joseph does that all the time what's that what's that i went to the toilet and she followed me in. But as I sat down, she pointed and said, mummy, what's that? I realised where she was pointing and I said, that's my vagina, darling.

She did not believe me and continued to point and say, no, mummy, what is that? I repeated, it's a vagina. You have one and mummy has one. She then looked at me, shook her head, pointed again and said, oh God, oh oh god i need to put my water down no mummy that's a cave the gaping cave of doom oh i could not stop laughing

i didn't know whether to be offended she continued to randomly tell various family members that mummy mummy had a cave whilst pointing at my vagina for months after. Love the podcast, Anonymous. Oh, no. Don't worry. I bet it's not that big. I bet it's not that gaping. Some caves are smaller than others. Oh, it's so hard, isn't it?

It's so hard to even know what to say to them. That's the kind of thing Joseph would say. Yeah. Mine once was when Dottie was poking, pointing at the pink bit. Don't want to say to them that's the kind of thing joseph would say yeah well mine once was when dotty was poking pointed at the pink bit don't want to say what it is but she was like no i know that's your foo-foo but what is what is that specifically that bit is that just a really tiny willy you're like yeah kind of that's just my big clitoris obviously never had a complex about it before that's just my massive clit here I

okay it's my really tiny willy alright so yes Renly's like that one did you fully laugh yeah

you're laughing at the word clit Renly how do you know already You're laughing at the word clit. Renly! How do you know already? Renos! That's your first little laugh. That's going to be his first word. We get it.

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Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca Renly! Oh, you sweet, sweet boy. Are you laughing at Clit or Tiny Willie? Well, thank you. Thank you for that.

And I hope you like my Tiny Willie. Not that you're ever going to see. On vagina, are you... Did you teach Colby and Dottie? Because you're meant to teach them the biological words, aren't you? Vagina and penis. I don't think I'm going down that. On vagina, are you, did you teach Colby and Dottie, because you're meant to teach them like the biological words, aren't you? Vagina and penis.

I don't think I'm going down that. Willy and Foo Foo. Yeah. Willy and Foo Foo. We're already on Willy. I don't know what to do about vagina. Because obviously Sadie's got one. And so they'll start saying like,

why hasn't she got a Willy? Do I say, call it vagina? It's up to you, Hum. Muddy Foo Foo. I think vagina's a bit, just a little bit aggressive.

Yeah. But you are meant to teach them the proper words, aren't you? Well, Colby knows them now. Yeah. Now we talk about them. Yeah. It's just the oddest thing when he's like,

so actually, Willie, it's a penis. I hate the word penis. Well, I don't like the word penis. I think I'd rather dick. I'd rather dick than penis. Knob. It's when he's in the bath and he's like, I can't get in the bath with you because you've got a vagina.

You're like can't help it i've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina name the film um something about mary mean girls fuck i knew that as well yeah um right that was number one shall we kick it in with number two that was a good start yeah that was a great start this says hi lovely mummies just like many other listeners i've just found out that i'm also pregnant there's so many aren't there congratulations i'm only six weeks in and although i'm really happy to be pregnant and cannot wait to be a mum i have a situation the father of the baby is my ex from two years ago. Oh, we bumped into each other, hooked up, and here we are now. I've not told a single other soul apart from my ex, not even my parents, because I'm ashamed of what people will think

about how this bubble was conceived. No! Oh, I hate feeling like this, and I don't want it to put a damper on what should be the start of the happiest period of my life. Any advice moving forward to best enjoy the pregnancy and forget about these feelings and on and on? Absolutely, get that right out of your head right now. Don't think that at all.

No. Not at all. It's the most beautiful, beautiful thing. Yeah. And I always look at it is that it's like, so when I was trying for the babies, but not trying for the babies, we knew we wanted them, but we didn't try. And I always say to people, as hard as it is, and I don't want to be that condescending human you've got to try but we're not trying yeah because i think sometimes you put too much pressure on yourself yeah and i always think when the time comes that's your time like it's ready there's something in the

universe that's telling you that this is your time yeah and this is your journey this is your time yeah be proud of yourself yeah be proud of you obviously i'm assuming that you're she's happy she sounds happy yeah you're obviously happy to be pregnant and you want the baby so don't let this um she's told the dad she's told the dad we don't know what his reaction was like whether that he's going to be involved or what but you seem like you're happy to be pregnant and you want a baby so don't try not to let this moment pass you by because it is magical yeah and you don't want to look back and regret this yeah um and it's without being horrible if people aren't accepting of their are accepting of it or are you know have horrible things to say fuck them yeah not worthy of your life yeah and also

sift out the bad ones right at the very start i say because you don't want that person around your baby no you one don't want that negative energy until you don't want that person around your baby no you one don't want that negative energy until you don't want that person around your time they're gonna be no good for you because I guarantee you as soon as the baby comes they'll be like oh can I come around have a hug with the baby no you fucking can't yeah no you fucking can't where were you eight months ago exactly exactly yeah try not to try not to let it get to you yeah it's hard though it is hard and maybe you'll feel a bit better when you've had your first scan yeah yeah because that's a hard time anyway six weeks in isn't it yeah you can't really you can't tell people if you want yeah your hormones are crazy you're you're probably feeling a bit ill you don't think straight anyway right at the very start do you you're all over the

place so give yourself some time because you are a little bit hormonal yeah yeah there's a lot of hormones i just felt like shit to be honest yeah i felt like shit at the start dottie's was the only one i could have literally passed off that i wasn't even pregnant didn't have any symptoms no and i did you wait until the 12 weeks or did you tell people earlier i told my family before before yeah yeah just because of i trigger warning i did have a miscarriage in between colby and dottie yes so when i then fell pregnant with Dottie I it was a lot for my family to go through I was a little bit distraught by did that not make you want to wait longer to tell people or did it make you tell people sooner

made me tell them sooner only purely because I needed them there mentally for me yeah because they were so great when I had the miscarriage yeah um and it it meant so much to me that I was glad that I told them that early. Yeah. Because they were all so supportive. Yeah. And it was kind of, and in a way,

my sister, I'd say my sister probably struggled the most out of everybody with it. I mean, everybody was really upset. But I want to say my sister struggled the most with dealing with it. She couldn't get her head around it. And I think had

i not have told her that i think she would have been more sad at the fact that i would have done it alone do you know what i mean like just gone and had had the surgery yeah and done it all alone yeah so she as much as she was really sad she was really grateful but i don't want to obviously dwell dwell on on that on that yeah but obviously um but yeah i think there's just a lot going on just go gentle on yourself yeah give yourself some time and it might you might feel better once you start telling people yeah so i think if you've told your partner whose baby it is yeah i think telling like your mom or your dad or something that you're close to because saying it out loud it always it always is so different isn't it i felt yeah much

better when you can share the experience with people and also just moan to people about how you're feeling or talk through your symptoms i yeah found a lot of reassurance when other people knew and you don't want to just assume that everyone's going to take it badly because it might be the first grandbaby to yeah grandparents stuff. So everybody might be really excited. And also if you're happy about it, then I hope other people in your life can be happy for you too. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Congratulations. Yeah. Congratulations. Amazing. And I hope everything goes well and it's an easy pregnancy. Good luck. Amazing that they just met, hooked up once and got pregnant. Love that though.

I know. That's wild, isn't it? I bet if you were trying, you would have never been full pregnant. No, exactly. It's one of those, isn't it? Go on. You could have I bet if you were trying you would have never been full pregnant. No. Exactly. It's one of those isn't it? Yeah. So shall we have number three?

Okay. This one says Oh Soph and Emma let me set the scene. Recently my husband took a trip to Benidorm with the lads. Whilst there

he bought me a bell which says Honk if you're horny ring for sex and has a pen on the other end. I keep it in my naughty drawer next to my bed.

The other day, I got pulled off to school by my six-year-old teacher. My darling daughter decided to take mummy's new pen bell to school to show off to her friends. Another child in the class read out the writing whilst admiring the bell and asked the teacher, what does ring for sex mean? Since then, it's been sitting in the teacher's drawer. I'm absolutely mortified to say the least.annah move you've got to move schools move move house move schools move town emigrate move city move country fucking emigrate what in the fucking lord why is there a pen on the end why is there a pen on the end what's she gonna do start writing stories while she's having sex

ring for sex obviously there's a pen on the other end what's the pen for right if you're what they do right and love notes i don't know you won't be doing that if you're honking for sex or you're using the pen for something else is it a pen is it a pen is it a pen is it really a pen is it really a pen how how odd yeah maybe you can write like things on your body i don't know yeah maybe it's a different kind of sex we're so innocent we're so innocent so deluded get in touch and let us know what the pen is for but mortifying imagine everyone at the school knowing that about you what is more mortifying is i would love to have been the teacher that actually heard the child say what is what does ring for sex mean and what did the teacher say give me that i want to hear from

the teacher yeah maybe the teacher listens yeah if you were the teacher you need to write in we need to find the teacher yeah because there's only this has only happened to one teacher this has only happened to one teacher yeah we gotta make a clip out of this and share it on all the socials yeah find find the teacher yeah hannah get back in touch and tell us about the pen and the teacher get in touch and tell us about the pen and the teacher get in touch and tell us about the six bell she's not got it back it's been sitting in the teacher's drawer

the teacher's taking it home use it for herself the dirty bitch imagine asking for it back I'll look after that I think my daughter bought a bell in any chance I could just it's like when teachers used to confiscate like sweets and chewing gum they definitely fucking just ate them themselves.

It's when you used to take your Nokia phone off. You definitely went for your messages, didn't I? Played a bit of Snake. Yeah. Playing Snake under the desk. Well, that's fucking wild. That is wild, Hannah. That is wild.

What would you say? Any chance I could just have my bell back? Sorry. My husband's waiting for sex. I'm here to pick up my six-year-old and also get my sex bell. Thank you. I need my sex bell. My husband won't actually have sex I'm here to pick up my six-year-old and also get my sex bell. Thank you. I need my sex bell. My husband won't actually have sex with me until I ring my bell.

You can ring my bell. We should say to her, you can ring my bell if you want. Well, thank you so much for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you have a cave between your legs?

Or have you been known to ring for sex? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mom Club.