Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Sick Slide

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

It’s a messy one this week as the girls wade through potty training, dodgy haircuts, and a very unlucky slide. Emma’s in need of some stand-up wee advice, and Soph’s been caught off guard by Renley’s latest development - time to crack open the baby manual… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Right, you ready? Yeah. Little breathing exercise. Slag. Slag. Hello. This is the Secret Mum Club. Haven't even done the intro yet.

I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You give that to yourself, you can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club! I feel like two days of being in here has made me a little bit idle. A little bit? Idle, is that the word? What does that mean?

Idle when you're like... Like lazy? No, crazy. Oh, right. I think idle means lazy. Bone idle is... that's like naughty, isn't it? We need to get a Google check on that. No, it doesn't mean lazy.

I think it means lazy, let's ask. Maybe it's made me bone idle. Hey Siri, what does idle mean? As an adjective, idle means of a person avoiding work, lazy. Oh, okay. It's not idle. I'm not idle. God, trust Emma to be correct. Avoiding work and lazy. Sounds about right. Maybe I am idle every day. Look, I feel like I'm... You mean delulu?

Yeah, like I'm crazy. Yeah. Well, they haven't actually slept in here for two days. No, you almost slept here last night. I feel like I'm crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they haven't actually slept in here for two days. No, you almost slept here last night. Yeah. There was loads of problems with the train. That was mental. But we were in yesterday, weren't we?

On two podcasts. Two other podcasts. And now we're back in today. Doing our own thing. Bye bye. Tell me about your week. Because all I did last week was bang on about myself. So it was a lot of you last week.

I listened back and I was like you last week. I listened back and I thought, bloody hell, I didn't even, I must've tuned out face to face because I don't remember hearing this. It was so boring at the time. I don't remember us saying that. It's mass edited things into here. My week is pretty, my week has got fuck all to do with you. With you. I have pretty boring week to be honest. I'm just getting ready for the holidays. Holidays.

They're never, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Listen, if you tell me they're not ever in school. They're never at school. You just fucking wait, Missy. These school holidays, they come around. I live for them. They come around quick, don't they? Not everybody lives for them, but I do.

They do come around quick, and they're off for two weeks this time. And this fucking sunshine, you having a laugh. So nice, isn't it? I am so ready for them. Not everybody looks, don't they? But I do. They do come around quick. And they're off for two weeks this time. And this fucking sunshine, you having a laugh? So nice, isn't it? I am so ready for this. I'm happy I am. I'm gonna be tan gaddess while using my SPF. What have you got planned?

Have I got anything planned? Not really, no. Just bask in the sunshine. In the sunshine. But I've just been, I'm having a summer clear out. I do it every six months, don't I? So I feel like I'm currently on the clear out. We've got clothes clear out because the children have grown astronomically. Normally I can get a good, I can get to sort of March with last

year's summer clothes. I can get to sort of March time and I'm, you know, I'm scraping the barrel, but they're now, they used to be trousers. Now they're three quarter lengths. Brilliant. Now they're fucking speedos. They're not, it's not working out. So for both of them, all three of them. Yeah. Cause obviously Renna's last year, there's a slight size difference. Yeah. When they're babies, it's like the windows are so small. Well, so small, but the gap, the year gap is massive. Yeah. Whereas they would have been in like three to six months clothes last year. And now they're in what, 12 to 18? Well, no, Renna's would have been, so you would have been 0 to 3.

They would have been in 0 to 3. Yeah, so I was thinking about summer. But yeah, 0 to 3. Oh, gosh. I just got rid of a load of mine. Yeah, sad, isn't it? And then my sister was like, don't throw it away. I might have another baby.

Exactly. She's on the hype. She knows. She might have another baby. She might have a girl. Yes. And then I got rid of all my girl stuff. She knows she might have another baby. She might have a girl. Yes. And then I've got rid of all my girl stuff. I told you. I told you. So no, I'm just going through. I'm back fully back on, Maddie will be happy with this. Fully back on TikTok at the moment.

Oh yeah. Although I've had to take a punt on the Instagram. I feel like my brain capacity is not- Can't do both. No, I can't do both. I can't do both. It's a lot, isn't it? But I'm loving being back on my little TikTok platform. Are you? Yeah, I am. As we know, I don't understand TikTok. I can't do both. But I'm loving being back on my little TikTok platform. Yeah, I am. As we know, I don't understand TikTok.

So what's going on over there? Just a whole lot of love. Honestly, I wake up every day, I'm beaming. It's filled, my social media platform's just filled with loads of love. It's really given me an ego boost. What are you, what's the content over there? Just shit, you know?

The shit that you have to put up with face to face, they get it in their phone on repeat. Okay. Lunchboxes, lunchboxes are back, dancing with Renners because the man knows how to drop a beat. Big dirty stinking baby. It's when he just froze the arm up. He did it this morning, just froze the arm up and he's like, yeah. Rave him. But he loves it. Loves the beat. I did go and invest in a car for him.

Not obviously, not a real car, no, because that would be crazy. But I went and got him one of the little, you know, the red and yellow ones. Oh, the bubble car. Yeah, we went to the pub at the weekend because it was Mother's Day, wasn't it? So we went to the pub and in the pub garden

was this little chair. When I tell you, this boy just sat with his arm out of the little car. Cruising. We weren't moving. He was stationary at the end of the table. He was just sat there his arm out of the little car. Cruising. We weren't moving. Oh. He was stationary at the end of the table. He was just sat there like, all right guys.

So I went out and got him one. Oh, I mean, I feel like every child needs a bubble cup. It's a classic. I had one with the dinosaur one though. The green one. We've got that. Yeah. So cutesy patootsy, but I put the little floor in it.

So he was sitting there. Yeah. Put a tablet on for him. He'll have a little plate of snacks and he just sits. Sits in the garden. That's genius for a beer garden. I know. They should all have them. They should all have them, isn't that? Nowadays, I don't feel like there's any toys

in a pub for children. Where there's a blame, there's a claim. Probably because they're getting it. Or two. Yeah. Although he does come and cause the out of the car though. Does he? Full on just throws himself out. Cause he can't get out of the bottom.

Cause he's got the plate. No, he can't do the door. So he just throws himself out the window and you just come out to his legs hanging out the back of the car and his hands on the floor. And he's like, ah, ah. Ah. I'm finding Sadie's getting so injured at the moment.

Because they're just at that age where they're into everything. She wants to do everything, but she can't do anything. Yes. So she's like, if I turn my back, it'll be like crash. She's going over, she's walked into something, she's trying to grab stuff. She's emptying out cupboards, emptying out drawers. It's all that. Is she on, Renna's is on door handles.

She can't reach the door handles, no. But she can wall walk, so she gets herself out of her room. And I just think she gone? She's out the front door. Just wall like a mime. Yeah. Up the hallway. She is. She's like a little crab. She can't do the stairs yet. Thank God. But when that happens, my life is over. Savage. Yeah. I've got to get a baby gate because now as well, I thought I'd be really genius with the kitchen. I thought, oh, the children are never find the handles in the new kitchen. So I put the lips across the top, you know, the little finger. He just puts his finger in. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Smashing your hand. It's like a Spanish party in my kitchen. He just way up. Is it Spanish when they go up and they fray the Greek. There we go. That's rena's. He was doing

it with med cups the other day. They were just shattering everywhere. Couldn't get to him quick enough. He wasn't injured. But you know, when you're like, I hadn't even got around to using that egg cup. I wanna say, and what about mealtimes? Cause at mealtimes now Sadie wants to like do everything herself.

Grab the bowl, grab the spoon, grab the food. We actually can't leave Renly to do his food by himself. I mean, we don't leave him anyway on his own to have his food. We sit in the kitchen with him, but he is a hamster. He shovels that shit in like someone's nicking it. I went in there, I say, he put the whole stick of, you know, you can get the finger shape, watermelon from the shops. He put the whole stick, either side of his mouth. The whole stick was in his mouth. You can't, he just shovels pasta in.

He's got no concept. Just eat one at a time. One at a time. Don't need to shovel that shit in. Joseph's a bit like that as well. I think they, Renly and Sadie may be going for a growth spurt because the appetite is through the roof. She's eating me out of house and home.

But he's, I think his appetite is high, but these teeth are destroying the lad. He's really, really sensitive. He's got eight teeth now. Yeah, yeah. Sadie's still only on four. Oh, and her little dinky little one's at the bottom. I think she's, I don't know how this has happened,

but she's, I think she's chipped one of her bottom teeth because they are tiny anyway, but one is like half the width of the other one. She just woke up one day and I was just like, where's your tooth gone? Probably one of those injuries where she fell over. A little tiny little pegs. They're tiny little pegs.

We got to see them the other day, didn't I? Yeah, we came to the shop. She was just such a dream come true. She was holding my lip gloss, just like. I'm so fabulous. I'm so fabulous. She's just like so chilled, so easy. We brought Joseph to the shop.

Oh my God, he was. Joseph was having a really bad day. The shyness is like crippling. He is. But I spoke to you about this and I said Colby was exactly the same and it wasn't till he was about seven but poor Jojo I spoke to him and then I felt really bad I said to Emma I'm really sorry I said I love you to him because he broke his little heart. But it wasn't actually me that he was actually.

Poor Maddie. Very very lovely with the the children, but for some reason, Joseph's just taken against her. Yes. He said, I don't like that one with the blonde hair. Oh, poor Mad. Poor Mad. She's the sweetest. So lovely. My three lover.

Sadie loves her. She's a fan fave, yes. But Joseph, I think Joseph's the problem, not Maddie. Joseph was just angry and what killed me? He was walking around Lindex like this. With his hands over his eyes. Literally, he was like this at one point. First of all, he was literally hanging off

the back of my coat. And he was running his face into your bum crack. I was honestly crying. And I was like, look, I need to shop, hun, so you're gonna have to get off me. So then he just walked around with his hands over his eyes. Like if you can't see me. And then when I was talking to him, because he picked up some pants, didn't he, for himself? He did choose some pants.

And then I was like, oh, should we try and find them in your size? He was like, no. I was like, oh, okay. Then try to find some dinosaurs. He was like, don't want the dinosaurs. Crabs. I want crabs. Joseph's asked for crabs. He was like semi-shopping. So he had his hand over one eye then so he could keep the other eye on what was in the shop. And he like handed them over to me without having to look at Safina. I mean, it's funny, but like, it's a little bit like embarrassing because people are so lovely to him. Like the people in the shop were like, do you want a sticker? Do you want a tattoo?

Do you want some face paint? It was just a fact that he went, no, no. And I'm like, sorry about him. You're all being really nice. It's just a phase. You don't have to, he is so, so shy. Like painfully, painfully shy. I mean, I was shy as a kid,

but I don't think I was like that. Annie's number one. It's the first one, isn't it? First one and the first boy, apparently. Boys and their moms, I don't know. He's just, it was cute though. It was cute to see you out. I felt like we were out in the wild. Weren't we?

Yeah. It's like when you see a teacher out of school. You're like, this is weird. And I said to Colby, do you want to say hello to her? No, I don't. Oh, okay. Hello. And he's like this. Doesn't know where to hide.

But no, it's been a nice week. I've got to see you out of work. I've been enjoying the sunshine. We've seen each other three times in a week. I know. It's a lot, isn't it? We saw each other Saturday, Tuesday and Wednesday. That's it now. Let's have a little break. Yeah. Get ready for Easter, shall we? How has the clock change been for you? Because it absolutely fucked us up. Actually, I'm having a really great time with it. And do you know what, something I normally do, I normally track back the hour and I normally go, well, actually, it's only four o'clock. Six o'clock, yeah.

Yeah. The only one that struggled with it is Dottie, because Colby's bedroom is quite dark, anyway. So she last night was like, why am I going to bed when it's this light? I'm having real problems. And I'm like, the summer's here. And she's like, well, if the summer's here, then why am I going to school? Okay, because the summer is beginning. We don't break up until July. Got a few months. Got a few months, yeah.

But I put a blind in their room. Oh, so it's a blackout. Yes, it is. Oh, that's good. Best thing I ever done. And do you know when I fitted it? Well, I didn't fit it. The builders fitted it, Mike and Brian.

Saturday, before the clocks went back, I didn't even know. Intuition. I've spent six months saying to Joseph, it's dark now, I bet go and have a bath and get ready for bed. And I thought this was going to bite me in the ass in the spring. And then when the clocks changed, he was like, why am I going to bed when it's still light outside? And I was like, I knew this day was coming. Oh, it's light time now. Let's go to, did I say night? I meant light. I'm like, okay, well, so it's still the same time that we're going to. Oh, it's light time now, let's go to, did I say night? I meant light.

I'm like, okay, well, so it's still the same time that we're going to bed, but it's light outside, why? Well, okay, so there's a thing called daylight saving in the summer and he's like, why? I'm like, okay, I don't think we're gonna get there with this. No. So just go to bed. I mean, just shut your mouth. Shut your eyes and shut your mouth.

And you went with shut your eyes. Just shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. But no, I've had a lovely, lovely wholesome, lovely wholesome week to be honest. Yours, how's yours been? Well, we had, did you go for your one-year checkup with Renna's? Yes. Oh, you did go. Did I not tell you about that?

Got over the phone, wasn't it? No. Oh, you went in person. No, we haven't caught up. Oh, what the fuck? Because I had mine as well. Oh. And I want to know about that? But over the phone, wasn't it? No. Oh, you went in person. No, we haven't caught up. Oh, what the fuck? Because I had fun as well. Oh. And I want to know about, did they weigh and measure him? Yes. With the centiles? Yes.

Well, what was he at? 91. Wow. On the weight? Oh, I don't think he was on the weight. 90 versus centile on the weight. On the height. On the height was 91st. On the height, yeah. But she kept going to me, oh, he's going to cry when I do this. He didn't cry. Oh, no. Then she was like, Oh, he's going to cry when I do this. He didn't

cry. Oh, no. He's going to cry when we do this. Didn't cry. Do you want to know the most savage thing I did though? Worst thing in the world that you could possibly do. What did I one forgot to take the red book to take a change of nappy. Oh, yeah. Because they like to get them completely naked. Don't they? I had to put a dirty nappy back on him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. They probably wrote on the records. Dirty bitch didn't bring a clean nappy. She put a dirty nappy back on him.

Didn't even bring a baby bag. Didn't even bring us a red book. Savage. But he was, we got there and normally it's a group session, isn't it? You normally do. Oh, mine, I've always done the other two with, and she did say, there's normally two other children in the room because they see how they interact and play with other children. Oh, that's fun.

And then your next, the two year checkup, the group's bigger. So there's about five children in the next one. Oh no, ours was a one to one. So she was like, oh, you can come in early, blah, blah, blah. And he just had the time of his life and she was just going through and then he just launched a ball at her fully across the room. She was like, oh, we're not meant to check that on this one, but that's on his two year checkup. I'll note it now. And I was like, can he throw a ball? Tick. Very ahead of schedule. I think it's the older ones. I think it's the older two. Yeah. And she did say, this

isn't your first baby as well. I was like, no, no, he's very advanced. I don't think it's that. I just think he's picking things up quicker. But how was yours? What was your weight percentile? Well, I was really surprised to learn that she's, cause I thought she's so diddy, but I think that's just because I was so used to Joseph being such a chunky boy. Yes. She was on the 75th centile for weight, which I was surprised about. She was like 9.7 kilograms and then high 50th. So she's like totally average on high, but chunky monkey. I think, but they and also when I said to them, oh, because I didn't have his red book, when I said to her, Oh, he is a preemie. She went, what? I went, yeah, we've got a track. We've been tracking back cause he's, he was five weeks early and she was like, no way. She was literally

like, no, don't believe you. No, honestly, no, he is. Yeah. Because he looks like massive now. His weight is incredible where he should be. Cause obviously I've not had a preemie baby. So I didn't, I just assumed you just go in and away you go, but normally there is, I don't know if it's right to say if there, there normally is a delay, whether they are a little bit smaller, maybe on the height, weight.

When did they stop tracking back then? Is it now that he's one? I think it's from a year. Yes, she just said we wouldn't track back now. I mean, obviously he's caught up. But yeah, she was like, I had you have never told me. You'd never know.

I would have never known. And you wouldn't from looking at him. No. He's so, he's like a big lad, isn't he? He's a big, he's a big big, big boy. Big boy. Big boy. I love a chubby baby though. But yeah, I did have mine.

And Jabs, soon, have you had yours? We were meant to take him on Monday this week, but he's got, his teeth have gotten cold. He's got an awful chesty cough. Oh yeah, because they can't be unwell when they have it. She actually did say if there's no temperature, you can have them done, but it's on your own discretion. Cause if they're already uncomfortable,

but if there's a temperature, no, they won't, they won't do them. But if he's got a runny nose and a cough, it's up to you. But I was like, do you know what? The boy's already fucking uncomfortable. So we've rebooked for a week. We need to get ours done. Oh, you haven't had yours done too?

We haven't had them done yet. But again, she's always low level ill. Like she's literally been, she's had, she hasn't had as many of the like big things as Joseph. Like he went to nursery and got all the big hitters, conjunctivitis, hand, foot and mouth, stomach bug. She hasn't had any of that, but she's had like a low level cold for literally about four months. So I don't know. Maybe it's her teeth.

But I say it's teeth all the time and then nothing comes in. Nothing's coming through. So you just look like a fucking liar. You just never know do you with them? All the time. It could be anything. Did you have anything else you want to tell me? It's been predominantly me this week. It's been heavy loading on me. I don't think so. We had a lovely Mother's Day. Did you? What did you do? Did you spend it with Stefan's dad? I went to the spa. I had a very romantic spa day with Stefan's dad. He cooked me dinner. It was wonderful. Massage your toes. Who'd you go to the spa with Stefan?

No, I went with my mom friend. It was a day for the moms. Nice. So the lads had the babies and then me and my friend went to the spa, which was really nice. Just had like a few hours where we could actually finish a conversation.

They took them to the park. And then when we came home, they sorted out dinner. The boys sorted out dinner. So it was very lovely. And then Stefan got me some chocolate and some bits from my velvetizer, but I wasn't allowed to have the chocolate because Joseph was taking care of it.

He bowled into the living room in the morning, it was so cute, he was dead proud to give me this bag of stuff. Like he was so happy, but I realized, I was like, oh, that's so sweet, thank you. But I realized the reason he was happy was because he wanted to get his mix on the chocolate bar. And he just held onto it all day.

I was like, can I have a little square of that now? He's like, I'm looking after it for you. I'm like, okay, that's actually my present though, okay. I'm looking after it for you. For you. I will also eat it for you. For you. Yeah, I'll do that for you. If I have to, I'll do it for you.

But it was very sweet. It was like the first year that he's probably understood like the concept of like, give me a card and a present and stuff. Which is so sweet. Yeah, that was very nice. Oh, bless his Yeah. It was really sweet. They did like these mugshot cards at nursery where they had to have their picture taken and then like cut it out in a heart and stuck it on a card for me. Sadie is lovely. She's smiling, beautiful. Joseph obviously won't smile for the camera. So they were like, we were trying to get him to laugh and he was like, no, no. And then they were like, smile, just show us your teeth. And they said he went like,

like a grimace and they were like, not like that. Can you ask them for the outtakes? Any chance I can grab these? I would have preferred that on my mother's day card actually. So in the end they had to get him to laugh and then like quickly snap a picture. But he does look a bit like he's doing it. So did you have a, you didn't have a hotel chugler? Did you have your velvetizer? I haven't had it yet. I haven't had any yet. Oh my God.

You need to have one. Do it today. Yeah. Treat yourself. I might still have one every day. I think you should. They're great, aren't they? They're stunning.

Stunning. Stunning. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mom Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us. Sorry. Or anything else.

Or whatever the fuck you want, to be honest. Yeah. Respond to what we've been talking fuck you want to be honest with you. Respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello. Thank you. Oh, thanks. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mumpod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. It's time for another. I always want to be like the gladiator man. It's time gladiator.

Are you ready? It's time for another correspondence corner. I don't know why I had to do it so deep. But anywho, what's on to you? John fashioning. No, who? Who's John fashioning? John fashioning was on gladiators, but who? What was the name of the voiceover man? John... John something else. Suna! I'm gonna go with Suna. Alright, this one says, dear Sophie and Emma, just responding to the family who moved to a different city. Oh, this was the lady, if you haven't listened, obviously, what the fuck you doing? Go back. Yeah. But this is the lady that's moved away and the preteen daughter, she's feeling a lot of guilt because she's not having a good time.

She's not finding any friends and settling in. That's right. So it says, I haven't been in that exact situation due to a move, but my children switched schools to one where they didn't know anyone and it had a similar impact on my daughter. I had to take a more proactive approach, like encouraging her to join clubs

and arranging meetups outside of school. I also spoke to her teachers to see if they could help pair her up with classmates to make new friends. It took about a year for her to feel settled and two years to find her real tribe. Four years later, she's still best friends with the small group she found. Not sure if this helps, but I wanted to share from Caroline.

That's really lovely, Caroline, isn't it? I really love that. And I think what you said as well, you thought it was perseverance to just stick, because in the long it? I think what you said as well, you thought it was perseverance to just stick because in the long run, I think a longer time is going to give a better outlook on the whole situation. And hopefully you'll find your reason as to why you did it in the first place. But it was always going to be harder with the older girl, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I think, but I think that's really, that's so lush. That is really reassuring. Maybe there's some of the things that it was anonymous, wasn't it? But that

anonymous could take from this. If you're listening, you could try some of those. But I appreciate you for sharing that. Thank you so much. Thank you, Caroline. All right. We've got a new drawing to add to our gallery now. Have we? Cue the music. All right. It says, Hey, fabulous mums. Just messaging in as my son wanted me to send his drawing to you both for the wall. I thought it was Winnie the Pooh, but apparently not. What you're looking at is what he calls Batman not Batman. Yes, that's what he actually called it. Tobias is four and finally writing his name in a way we can understand it. Stop it now. Much love Amanda and Tobias from Australia.

Australia? Do you want to have a look? Is Batman Batman not Batman? in a way we can understand it. Stop it now. Much love, Amanda and Tobias from Australia. Australia? Don't have a look. It's Batman, Batman not Batman. Batman not Batman. From Tobias. So sorry, just hit my muff in my face. I don't know what to expect.

Are you ready? Yeah. I don't want you to see it. Hold on. I want us to see it together. Ready. This is Batman not Batman by Tobias Fall from Australia. Yeah.

Ready? Three, two, one. Okay. Yeah, see where you're getting Winnie the Pooh from. Oh? Three, two, one. Okay. Yeah, see where you're getting Winnie the Pooh from. Oh my God, he literally writes exactly like my nephew as well. Oh, his name. The writing is incredible for a four year old.

You can see that it says Tobias. Oh, it actually looks like when my nephew used to write his name, he's Tobias too. Yeah, and he's called Daniel. That is a good Batman, not Batman. I would say that's Batman, not Batman is Winnie the Pooh. Yes. Yes. You should add to the title. This is Batman, but it's not Batman. It's Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. I can see why you thought it was Winnie the Pooh. Oh, that is adorable. Look at his little heart. He's got a heart on his chest. Oh, should we get it up on the wall? Yeah, let's. Let's get it up.

Get it up. Get it up. All that sounds. Yeah. Well, Amanda, it's been displayed beautifully on our wall. Please tell Tobias, thank you so much. Thank you. We love him.

We love him, don't we? We love Batman, not Batman. We love Batman, not Batman. Winnie the Pooh or Banana Man. Whoever. Whoever. It's whoever you want it to be. Yes, it's a wide scope. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious

or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. We've probably heard it. Why do I say that so? We've probably heard it all before. All before. Don't tell us we've probably heard it all before and remember. We're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that. My shaking of my titties threw off the click. I was like shaking but... Trying to shimmy and click is too much. My clicks were delayed. Right. Here is Emma's secret of the week. I feel like I take the load of the secrets. To be fair, I don't fucking have anything this week, apart from I shaved my ankles with a face razor.

So I wanted to get my ankles out, so I shaved them. I didn't have a razor, so I actually used my derma planer. Did that take ages? Fuck, I had to do my armpits yesterday and then my ankles today. Shredded my legs. One body part a day. And I was saying to Zocco, we were saying about when you shave your legs and you get in the fucking sea. Oh, yeah.

That is... Stinger. It's sea. Oh yeah. Stinger. It's a real stinger. So I'm passing the baton. To me this week. And you can enjoy my silky smooth. Ankles. They're not, they're actually still really prickly. Just your ankles and then it gets hairy, does it?

Yeah, yeah, look. Can you see? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look how hairy they are. They're not that hairy, they're stubbly. Are you joking? The children tell me all the time how prickly they are and they're hurting. Yeah, prickly. Mine are so long that they've just gone soft.

They rub my face and say, oh, you got a beard like dad. Yes, yes, I have. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. All right. Well, I'll do some work for once. Yes. My secret is that I can't master the stand up wee. Not for me. Oh, I was going to say, I would just hover over the loo.

Stand over the loo. Leggy the side of the bulb. We're all not just doing that. That's how we all go, right guys? Guys? I have actually pissed on a night out stood up. Yeah, because you didn't want to touch the toilet because it was so dirty.

Yeah, I would stand up and- Would you go front or back? I go like this. Do you? Over the toilet, yeah. Like a Sharon Stone type. Basic instinct. Ha's a bit sexy for a public toilet, isn't it?

That went way faster than I expected. No, I would squat. Yeah, behind. Sorry. Yeah, Joseph. I'm talking about Joseph. I'm talking about me or Stephanie. So how would you help Stephanie take away? Stood up. Still haven't got the hang of it. 37 years of age. No, Joseph, it's a real minefield because he obviously at home has just been sitting on a potty to learn to go to the toilet. But he's been potty trained for quite a long time now.

And when we're out, we have a carry potty that we take, which I find he just sits down and does a wee and that's just easier and it's just less messy. But I've found myself in this situation sometimes where there's no carry no, Carrie Potter, or we just need to go quickly and we're out. Or we're on like a big toilet in public and he doesn't really know how to like sit on it without falling down. Or we're just like in the wild in the park and he's like, quick, I need a wee wee. And I'm like, okay, we'll have to do a standing

up one. I cannot do it without soaking his clothes. It just goes everywhere. Right. Or without holding his willy. So I was just wondering what the etiquette is with that. Or does he just have a sit down way for life? I don't know that I'd hold his willy. No. Can you are you allowed to hold? Oh, yeah, I think I could do I want you could. I saw my friend do it with her little boy. And she pinched, kind of pinched his willy gently between her fingers as you would do like a scissor sign. Right. This is escalating between her forefinger and her middle finger to kind of like just lift it up and give it the right trajectory to get it over the toilet seat. Because the problem is they're not tall enough to get it over the toilet seat.

You don't need to worry about that. But you do need to get a over the toilet seat. Because the problem is they're not tall enough to get it over the toilet seat. But if they're out in the wild, you don't need to worry about the toilet seat. You don't need to worry about that. But you do need to get a good enough shot out to get it over, otherwise they're just wee on their clothes. And it just feels weird. And you tried sort of saying to them, you need to push it really far forward. Push your bum forward.

Push your willy far forward. Okay, so push your bum in and your shoulders back. Yeah, like willy forward. I used to push Colby's bum forward and like hold his chest so that it would just sort of, maybe not shoot, just drizzle down to the ground. I just, a lot of action play today from me. Yeah, we need a visual.

You could, if you are really worried, do a sit down way where you hold their legs and they just sit over your arm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I need to master that one. You could, if you are really worried, do a sit down way where you hold their legs and they just sit over your arm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I need to master that one. But obviously a stand up way is way more convenient. It's more convenient and you can do it in more places.

And I feel like you need to- And then they don't have to sit on a dirty toilet. Dirty toilets, that's what I'm worried about in public. And also you need to learn that for when he's older. But you need to maybe practice a stand up way at home because they have the motion of standing at the toilet. Yeah. So they put of standing at the toilet. So they put their weight onto the toilet.

Yeah. Because I always used to say to Colby, lean really, really far forward. The weewees got to get into the water. I mean, how many accidents did you have of like, every time I've done it in public, I've just absolutely soaked his clothes. No, I think I just can't get the hang of it. I think we practiced at home first. Yeah.

Because they lean all of their weight onto the toilet because where are there any little and they're trying to get their willy into the pan. Yeah. That's the other thing as well. I don't think you want penis on pan, do you? No. Dirty. I would. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty, yeah, I wouldn't want penis on pan.

So I don't really know what to do about that and it feels very weird kind of manually. Yeah. Helping out, of manually. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Obviously with their mums and you're allowed to, but I don't know how comfortable I'd be in public for people to. I'm also concerned about the germs because I keep having to tell him now he's now got to that age where he's honestly, it's never been a problem up until now, but he keeps

saying I just need to put my willy down or up or however. It does get stuck. There's nothing. It gets stuck. I think all down or up or however I like it to be. Oh, because it does get stuck. There's nothing you can put, but Colby, I think all boys are the same. I think it gets stuck to their leg and their balls. Yeah, but he's got no concept of like, whether he's washed his hands or not. He's always like, my hands are clean.

I'm like, they're not. You've just been like on the floor in the park. Yeah, and then he's scratching. But I was just like, it literally starts at three. Like, you know how men, we've spoken about it before, always got their hands down their pants. Chris doesn't. He's the only man in the world that doesn't,

yeah, doesn't never, I've never ever known him to put his hands down. He doesn't sit with his hands in his trousers, doesn't walk around with nothing, and Colby doesn't do it. But there is children at school that we see that do it. Even adults, we saw a man out here in the corridor at work, like all people on the train or the tube,

just cause he got their hands down their trousers. Imagine we done it though. Not funny, wouldn't it on the train or the tube. Just can't see what their hands down their trousers. Imagine we done it though. Not funny, wouldn't it? Or just hold a tit. Yeah. Actually to be fair, I do hold my tits. I do that a lot. Actually, yeah.

I sit on the train and hold my tits. Yeah. Cause it's so cold that air conditioning. I hold my babies quite a lot. You're holding them today cause you're free. You're free like me. No bra. Titties are free.

I don't wear a bra quite often. I don't never wear a bra. That's why I always look like I've got. I don't wear a bra quite often. I don't never wear a bra. That's why I always look like I've got. This is sexy, isn't it? I wanna sex you up. I'm constantly feeling how like cool I am.

To be fair, there's not even like a, there's just skin, isn't it? Let's be honest. It's just skin at this point. But yeah, that's already begun. So we need some help. Yes, basically I'd like mummies and daddies or caring for little boys.

You could get the target for the toilet. That might be really fun. So then he's gonna get out with a real force to hit the target. We'll squeeze it out. Yeah. And then he might just take that aggression into the park.

Not on children, obviously that would. Back that up. But summer's coming up. We're gonna be outside more. And he's gonna be standing in the garden, taking wee-wees if he gets out there. Cause obviously the flies. Obviously he's scared of everything.

But I'm going to need to know how to master it. Do that. Yeah. That would be a good idea. I don't think I've ever held Colby. So I can't remember. You haven't manually helped him get out. No, I don't think I've manually assisted. It's a very weird moment when you're like,

I'm just squeezing it really. I feel like he just got it. I feel like he just, but. I feel like he just, but then we potty trained in the summer and he was obsessed with watching. He used to run around the garden naked with his wellies on and just wee everywhere. And also you didn't do much potty time, did you? You kind of just went straight to toilets. Yeah, because he, we were literally at home. So if we were out, it was toilet at home. We went for a phase where he used to stand at the back door and say, I need to wee. Yeah. But you need to

go in the toilet at home. You'd be like, no, I to stand at the back door and say, I need to wee. Yeah, but you need to go in the toilet at home. You'd be like, no, I'm going in the garden. No. I think we've made him too potty dependent now. And it's actually really annoying at home because he'll be like, if he's like, oh, I need a poo. And he'll be like, I want to do it on the potty. And I'm like, great, because you're pooing

and you're not doing it in your pants. But also now I've got to clean the fucking potty, which is disgusting when it's got a massive turd in it. We, I never potted Dot. She just went straight on the toilet. Cause I think it, like you, I think you cause a rod. Make up off your own back. Yeah, and that's not me saying that anybody's right or wrong. I just felt like when I was toilet training them,

like when Dotty needed the toilet, we always, when we got somewhere, we'd say, let's have a quick wee wee while we're here, like if the shopping center, let's have a quick wee-wee while we're here. Like if the shop and sex, let's have a quick wee-wee, we'd get to a restaurant. Why don't we have a quick wee-wee before we sit down? It wasn't that I hadn't, I'd never wanted them to think that I just had a toilet on hand. Yes. Like I wanted them to be able to learn to hold it. That is actually, that is really good. That book I read, who gives a crap does say, don't take a potty into buildings where there are toilets because they can just use the toilet. I get scared of I'm not getting there on time. So I just

have it. I like to have it as a little crutch. Yes. But now he's too used to it. I think and he's not learning how to actually go to the toilet properly. So we just need some advice for teaching our Jojo a stand up. Yeah. I think with Sadie obviously it'd be easier. She can just sit down. Yes. Yeah. Definitely. Girls are easier to potty train anyway. Did you find that? Yeah. Yeah. Really, really quick. apparently girls are easier to put you train anyway. Did you find that? Yeah, dogs picked it up really, really quick. But then I was really lucky. They both picked it up.

They both picked it up really quick. Yeah, they were young too. Yeah. But. All right. The third one is gonna be the tough one. Yeah. I think he's gonna be the rebellious one.

That's gonna be the kicker. Yes, he is. So that's my secret and we'll get into some of yours after this short break. We got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. Before we get into secret number one, we just want to give a little bit of a trigger warning. Yes. This secret mentions vomit. Yes. So if that's not for you, please scroll on through to secret number two.

Hello fab ladies. Oh, I'd be lost though. I know you always talk about poop, but now I'm here to bring up vomit. I used to be terrified of it, cleaning it up, catching it, even just having it. Well now I have a four and a six-year-old and fuck in capital letters. Me. I can't believe how quickly I throw both hands under their chin to catch their vomit without a second thought. And let me tell you, this week has been a wild ride.

Oh my Christ. Please tell me I'm not alone. Much love from Sydney, Australia. Amanda! It's another Amanda from Australia. Another Amanda from Australia? Either way, Amanda, if these are both your stories, then I'm here for this. Thank you.

Right. It's a big place. Let's break this one down. Vomit. Vomit. How do you feel about it? I've got no issues with vom. No? No. I do full big place. Let's break this one down. Vomit. Vomit. How'd you feel about it? I've got no issues with vom. No. No. I do full on catch. I'll catch the sick and I just sort of walk with the sick. In your hand. Yeah. To just to the toilet or any near facility. Yeah. But Dottie is

really, really good. Even Colby, I think blows his mind as to how Dottie, when Dottie tells you she's going to be sick. She is sick tells you she's going to be sick, she is sick, whether she's sick in 10 minutes or two hours, she will be sick that evening. She knows the feeling in her tummy, and she'll come out and she'll go, sorry, just going to go to the toilet to throw up. And she just goes into the toilet and she's like,

ah, ah. And then she'll, the odd occasion, she'll ever throw up on her bed, but she takes herself to the toilet, vomits, and then she's like, sorry about that. I don't know what came over me. Whereas Colby panics, gets really, really stressed. And sometimes I think he stresses so much

that he makes himself more sick. Yeah. How often are they sick? Is this like a regular occurrence? No, no. Just if it's like a bug or something. Yeah, yeah. From a bug from school, but no, not very often.

Joseph and Sadie have never been sick, which is iconic. Yeah, really. I'm scared for your first time. I know. So I don't really know how I would deal with that situation, but I imagine it's like any situation with your kids. Obviously you just do it. You do all the disgusting things instinctively, like, you know, poo in the fingernail. There was one time my sister with my third, my sister's third child, but my second niece, she vomited in the middle of the night. Didn't want to get out of her bed because she was in a cabin bed with the slides. So she vomited all down the slide. And my sister, my sister went in

the morning and there was just vomit covering, you know, the beds that have the slide out of them. There was just vomiting covered, vomit covering the whole slide. She was just fast asleep in her bed. None the wiser. She'd obviously just gone, bah, down the slide. What a handy feature. I think all beds should have a vomit slide. Yes.

It's a good place to go. I don't know about clearing that. The way it just smeared all the way down the slide. When I was little, I famously threw up on the carpet in my bedroom, which I don't know why I didn't just go on my sheets because they could go in the wash. And then for the rest of my childhood,

I had a hole cut out the middle of my carpet because my parents couldn't clean it off. So my dad just came in with a Stanley knife and was like, no, fuck that, it's going out. Just had a massive hole in the middle of my bedroom. It makes it more funny. It makes so much sense. It did.

Yeah. It made so much sense. It could have just been sick on the sheets and they could have gone in the bedroom. It makes it more funny. It makes so much sense. It did. Yeah. It made so much sense. It could have just been sick on the sheets and they could have gone in the wash. But now you've got a hole in your carpet. The fuck is wild? Fucking is wild. It's truly wild.

Fucking is. But the vomit is a wild one. I feel like you're either, do I feel like you succumb to it? Maybe, but I feel like if you're a vomit hater, it's never going to be easy. It's not a delightful thing to have. I mean, if I had to choose poo or vomit, I'd choose poo. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. There is something about vomit that just fucking stinks. I think it's just the regurgitation. And I know poo is

regurgitated. Is it regurgitated poo? Digested? Yeah. It's still food, isn't it? Pass through your bowels to come out. But it's just like the acidity of vomit. It just leaves a smell, doesn't it? It leaves a smell. It burns your nose, doesn't it? Them nose hairs are like... Yeah. But thank you, Amanda. No, no, thanks.

We appreciate you. And I don't think you're alone. No. Okay. Should we have a number two? All right. This one says, Hi, Sophie and Emma. My three-year-old son, who will be four in August, started potty training when he was about two. Oh, maybe she's going to give you some. How weird. Hold on a moment.

This keeps happening that we get like, are you doing it on purpose? Psychic secrets. To trip me out. Recently we had three solid months of him being fully dry during the day with no accidents at all. But in the last couple of weeks, he's suddenly backwards, having accidents both at home and at nursery. We haven't changed anything in our parenting approach, but for some reason he's regressing. I know 3 years old is still young for potty training, but I can't help feeling like a failure that we haven't managed

to keep him on track. It's especially hard because his cousin, who's only a month older, has been dry during the day for over a year and is already dry at night too. I know every kid is different, but it's hard not to compare. With a younger daughter who just turned one, we keep encouraging him by saying he's a big boy and can teach his sister one day, but it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. Do you have any tactics we could try? Love from an exhausted mum. Alex from Immingham, brackets, Lincolnshire. This is actually a very interesting one because it could be an accumulation of a lot of things. Oh yeah, it could be so many things. So many things. There could be a lot

going on in his life. Obviously three is a big age. They start to, I feel like there's a switch in their brain capacity at like three. Yeah. Cause they're getting ready like from, I can only ever speak from Colby going from three to four and Dottie obviously from that age, but Dottie was a little bit later because Colby went to school at four. So he started preschool. I don't obviously know how long little one's been at preschool, but Dottie went to preschool a lot earlier. She went at two, whereas Colby started preschool at three. So there is so many changes in their life. Also having a one-year-old, we don't know if the siblings's walking or anything like

that, but it might be slutt, sluttle. Who's been a slut? It might be subtle changes that are happening, which you're not realizing, you know? So where the little one started walking, and maybe it could be something where he's like, oh, everyone's paying attention to the baby. Not in a mean way, but there may be something that's happening subconsciously. Subconsciously, but also it is very, very normal.

I think when I was reading it, I was like, this is so normal. And I really wouldn't worry about it. I really wouldn't worry. Joseph still does it semi-regularly. He'll poo in his pants and wee in his pants. And I consider him to be fully potty trained. But there are just times when like,

I'll come downstairs and be like, oh, he's playing really like lovely and nice and quietly. And then I'm like, have you pooed yourself? He's like, yeah, I've done one in my pants. I'm like, okay. Well, we normally tell mommy and daddy when we need to go, but sometimes he just decides like, no. Often when they're really engrossed in their play as well,

they don't wanna take time out. Cause they're like, FOMO, I don't want to take time out because they're like FOMO, I don't want to lose out, especially at nursery, like all his mates are there, he doesn't want to take time out to go to the toilet. So I think that's a really common thing as well. One thing you could try is, which you were saying you did with Dots,

is just ask them at regular intervals, even when they don't say they need the toilet, say, should we just have a sit on the toilet? Because more often than not, Joseph will go, I don't need to, I don't need to go. And then I sit him down and I'm like, oh, guess what? A wee came out. So you could try that.

You could try that. But honestly, from the nicest way I can possibly say it is it's not worth being stressed about. It's really not worth, and please, I know as hard as it is, don't compare yourself to anybody else because all you do is penalize yourself. I just think, go with it. It's just a little bit of a bump in the road.

There could be something going on. If it means that he's got to wear a nappy, in all honesty, who cares? Who cares? It's peace of mind for you. It's one piece of mind for you and peace of mind for your little man. Like he might be really stressed or frightened.

You don't know, we don't know what's going on in their head because as well, they're only little and they can't tell us what's going on. But there is so much going around in their head that you get peace of mind and he gets peace of mind that if he does have an accident and it's gone into the nappy, he's dry. Yeah. And no one's going to tell him off. No one's going to be frustrated or lose their patience

or anything like that. I just think there's, he's still very diddy. I don't think it's anything you need to be concerned about. It's so incredibly common. But yeah, try more intervals with asking him to go to the toilet, but also there just might be a lot going on. And give him time.

I think when he does wet himself, it's easy to get frustrated and be like, oh, you know what to do. Like you're potty trained. You normally tell me, like sometimes when that happens to Joseph, I'm like, I've got to clean another poo out of your pants. Like this is far from ideal.

But I think if you show him support and like, just be like, it's okay, let's get you cleaned up. All you've got to do at the end of the day is wash another pair of pants and trousers. But I think if you show him that you're annoyed, he might be like, get more fearful and then that could make it worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. But obviously I don't want to just assume that we're all getting frustrated when they're having an accident. But there was things as

well. Like if when Colby was first potty training, if I needed to put, needed to go out, I would put a nappy on him, but I'd still take him to the toilet and pull the nappy down. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So that he had, yeah. And I used to say to him, look, if you do have an accident, you're not gonna be wet. Cause Cobby used to panic about being wet. He didn't wanna have an accident. No, he didn't wanna have an accident.

And I used to think if he's in the car seat and he nods off, I don't want him to have an accident while he's asleep and things like that. So there is things that you can do, but yeah, definitely try with more encouraging on the toilet, like more, what's the word? More intervals on the toilet. Like, let's go for a boo game.

Yeah, just go more regularly. Yes. Oh, but please don't beat yourself up, Alex. You're doing everything. Honestly, you've got nothing to worry about. Everything sounds as if you've done everything right. Don't compare and he'll get there. Do not worry. Do not worry. Jojo's not dry at night still, and he'll get there. Do not worry.

Do not worry. Jojo's not dry at night still, and his cousin was dry at night, overnight. Like literally they just did daytime, nighttime together, cold turkey, absolutely fine, he's never had an accident. But I still put Joseph in a nappy at night because he still has a bottle. So he's obviously gonna, he's obviously gonna wee.

He says to me, I don't need a nappy at night. And I'm like, well, your nappy in the morning would say otherwise. Nappy in the morning. Soaking wet. So hilarious. Right, should we have our last secret? Yeah, this one says, hi, Sophie and Emma. I have a secret that still makes me cry of laughter.

My five-year-old loves playing hairdressers and usually I just let her brush my hair while I pretend to be a fancy customer. But the other day, my newborn was having an absolute meltdown, so I got a bit distracted while trying to settle him. Meanwhile, my little hairstylist decided to take things to the next level with a real pair of scissors she'd somehow found.

By the time I realised she'd hacked a massive chunk out of the side of my hair, I thought she was going to say she did it to herself. Fuck, she did it to her hair. Out of my hair. I asked her what on earth she was doing and she proudly told me she was fixing my fringe. I had to go to an actual hairdresser to get it sorted. And let's just say I am now rocking a much shorter bob. The worst part, she keeps asking when she can do my hair again. Oh my Christ. I just don't have the heart to tell her she's been fired. You're sacked. You're fired.

Oh no. Can you imagine? What a nightmare. I would die. That would be the worst, wouldn't it? She's taken one short chunk. So now you've got to have your whole head. You've got to level that shit out, unless you're going really funky, one side long, one side short. Like your asymmetry. Like a model when they walk down the catwalk

and they've got like a really short or two-layered fringe. You could really style that shit right out. You're good. Can you imagine? Or mortifying. That would be horrendous, wouldn't it? But good on you. I feel like you've been so sweet to her about the whole process. Don't worry. I'll just get my head shaved. It's fine. I would've been like, I've got no hair as it is. Oh bless. How would you feel if Jojo hacked off half your hair? I have no attachment to my hair really anyway.

So I'll be like, do you know what? But you want me to get a crop? I'll get a pixie crop cut in, sure. I had a pixie cut. Did you? 34 weeks pregnant with Dottie, I chopped all my hair off and donated it. Did you like it? No, hated it.

I looked horrendous. I feel like you always regret it when you cut your hair. Don't know what that time in my life was really. What a knob. Also I was massively, heavily pregnant, swollen. I looked like a potato. I wanna see a picture. With this little tufty tuft on the top of my head.

This little quiff. Hoo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo hoo. It was horrendous. But I donated it all to a good cause. I donated all my hair to the, well not the whole, you know, I donated to the little princess dress. Oh, did you?

Oh, wow. Yes. So it was for a good cause. Plus it was fucking raging hot. Just get that shit off. I bet you did love not having like, you know, the feeling of having like no hair. Just could wash my hair over the bath like a boy. So quick to wash your hair. I had a great tool up the back. Oh my gosh. I was well sure.

So quick to wash, so quick to dry. No sweaty hair on the back of your neck. Styling. Fuck it, I'm going to do it. Do it. Next time you see me, I'll have a pixie cut. I feel like you could pull it off. Get Jojo to do it. Might be funner. Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Anonymous. Yes, thank you so much. And yeah, tell your daughter she's fired. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mom Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmompod.com or with Secret Mom Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you had to fire your haird secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram.

Have you had to fire your hairdresser? Emma probably fucking has to be fair after they cost her an arm and a leg. I've fired so many of them. I'm running out of ones to go to in London. Or are you the sick catcher at home? Let us know, there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next time on the Secret M Mom Club.