Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Silicone Investigator

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

The ladies are shining a light on a wide range of creative ideas this week, including beautiful artwork for the Secret Mum Club Gallery, new and innovative uses of certain phallic objects during hide-and-seek and Jackson Pollock inspired living room furniture after a naked shart. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for moms everywhere safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets so welcome in the secret mom club sadie has got my um headphone wire caught between her toes oh like a thong is it yeah how you doing i'm okay yeah still surviving the garden madness yeah that's again my new personality trait i feel like when these things happen house renovation yeah they become my whole entire renovation it was the baby now your personality is the garden the garden it's all the garden yeah it's consuming

every bit of my life it's the garden so we're still balls deep in that yeah yeah i also did this week um in my erratic gardenness um sign up for a personal trainer yeah yes i signed up have you done anything yet i haven't even finished the forms i just paid i just paid to set up and i haven't i haven't even signed the forms i feel like i'm a bit delirious so you paid money yeah and you've had nothing well how does this work so basically i pay for a personal trainer because because of you know i've never had a personal trainer in my life i love the idea of having a personal trainer do you he's in the phone though i can't see him because he's a bit far away oh it's gonna be on it's on socials yeah

yeah i don't think it's on zoom though i think he'll just give me a plan right i would know more information had i fill out the forms yeah but i But I signed up. Why have you already paid money? Because you have to register through, I guess, because if they give you all this information, so I basically now have to go through the questionnaire about where I'm doing my exercise, what's my dietary requirements, how much am I moving,

what am I wanting to achieve, what can I do, do I have any back pains, you know, all of that jazz. But at the moment, I contacted him. He had space. I sent the money over. I'm ready to go.

I need to fill out the documents because he knows fuck all what I want to achieve. You're not going to be running though. It's going to be other stuff, is it? Yeah, I don't know about the whole running. I sat here now and I'm like, I've never had a PT in my life. What am I thinking?

But I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm having a bit of a crisis. I would love, I feel like if I having a bit of a crisis i would love i feel like if i was rich the two things i would love pt and a personal chef yeah but i feel like you love you love exercise i the reason why i've never got a pt is because i've been all right at motivating myself to exercise in the past yes that becomes harder after you have children though because the window of opportunity is so small i feel like i have no self-discipline so i've signed up for this to do it at home but now i'm thinking do i need to go to a gym to do it yeah and see them in person i do think no i'm happy to do a remote but don't you think it'd

be better if you saw someone in person i don't know if i need the equipment yeah the actual equipment because they're gonna be like hit workouts and stuff like that no honestly no i have no clue no clue you don't know what you signed up for i do know what i've signed up for but i don't know what i need to put on all the questionnaires to what i enjoy doing yeah yeah yeah i was thinking of just like a little aerobics class but you know i got to you i'm just not feeling myself yeah that makes sense and you can't run still can you because you hurt your knee yeah well i just i hurt my knee and then i just didn't i just didn't go back again yeah and then i really scared myself in the sense i thought i was going to be kidnapped yeah because even though i'm not a kid and i'm pretty big to steal but i just got it in my head now and i'm just freaking out what's scared about

running like in the street yeah and also the weather's hot so hot it's too hot yeah this is me i just make excuses yeah yeah i've signed up for a pt i need to get that paperwork done i might do it on the train on the way back yeah get it going get it going get it going i'm intrigued to see how it goes because i do you want to see my before and after my yes do progress i can't show you my after do progress photos and post them on social media would you do that ever no uh yeah i feel like you would. I don't know. Maybe previous Safina would have. Maybe before doing social media.

Yeah. Now would I do it? No, because I feel like the first time I lost weight, because obviously I was 17 stone 13 pounds at my biggest. I don't think I knew that about you. Didn't you? No. When was that? I was 23 and I was 17 stone 13 pounds so like 13 years ago

yeah a while ago now and what happened done slim and wild lost loads of weight went down to nine stone three so i lost a shed load of weight i went down and when i did it the first time i was very much like you load it on facebook don't you i was young and i was just like oh you know massage my ego yeah yeah i'm doing this to be in with all the cool kids you know um but now i'm not doing it for any other fucker than myself yeah and also you'll get i'm not bothered about what other people think of me like i don't i personally could not give a shit what anybody thinks of me is how i feel when i look at myself or how i feel in my body yeah i literally if you think i've found i literally couldn't give a shit like i'm in that mindset and i feel like that comes with age good yeah um and i'm only doing it to i want to be the best version of myself i want to

be healthy but i just want to be comfortable in my skin yeah and i have i will say and i know you'll go it's only been 15 well probably not because 15 weeks is a long time but i know and my mom keeps saying it has only been 15 weeks he is only three months old i haven't gone back as quickly as i did with the other two yeah and that's playing on my mind a bit and i think that's got you know i've got my age against me this time because it has been five years since having dotty yeah um and i want to be the healthiest version of myself and i think knowing that i've taken a bit longer to go back this time makes me think i am getting older yeah i want to look after myself yeah you know what because you've got followers as well on social media you will inevitably get some awful comments probably of course stuff up there and it's hard to open

yourself up to that i think isn't it you don't yeah i don't i don't mind sharing my like my little workouts and things like that i'm quite happy sharing those but my before and afters i'm not doing this for and i think the best way that it works like i've always tried when i was bigger and i was trying to diet and stuff like that and you know my family would say well you need to lose a bit of weight or you need to look after yourself would they say that to you yeah yeah only because i was really unhealthy all right do you know what though me and stephan often say like what if if like one of the kids got really overweight or like someone close to you in your family how would you say anything and like how can you tell them because it's such a sensitive it was really sensitive

emotional i was quite an angry teen i think um how did i take it i don't i think my mom and dad never said to me oh you're you're really overweight you need to lose weight um i think um how did i take it i don't i think my mom and dad never said to me oh you're you're really overweight you need to lose weight um i think i used to get really upset with my legs rubbing together um i also used to get really really sweaty and i also um used to eat really unhealthy and my mom and dad used to say to me this is really not good on your heart and you know if you're struggling with your legs being sore and things like that they were like why don't we try going and they encouraged me to do things with them like why don't you come out for a walk with me and stuff like that so i think they dealt

with it really really well yeah but i tried on and off loads of things and it wasn't till i woke up one day and i thought you know what i'm not fucking telling no one i'm not telling no one so no one can go to me how's it going yeah have you lost anything this week i wanted nobody to know and at the time i'd moved away to surrey and i was living in surrey at the time and i was right i was not seeing my family as regular um and i literally just went from a size i was a size 18 20 and literally i lost the weight really really quickly i was only doing slimmer well but i lost the weight really really quick and went back and then i was in a size 8 pair of jeans and i'd never been a size 8 my mom was like i remember going to shopping with my mom

because i was still wearing my big baggy clothes my mom was like oh you lost a bit of weight because i can see it in your face and things and then i went shopping with my mom and my mom was like oh you've lost a bit of weight do you want me to get you a size 14 jeans and i was like yeah maybe a 14 and a 12 and my mum was like oh 12 i was like yeah maybe get me a 12 and i put the 12 on i was like oh no mum i think i need a 10 so i went back i've got a 10 and i was like mum they still don't fit me i just brought my mum opening this curtain like what's going on in there what do you mean they're not fitting you and i just had these jeans and i was like my mum was like what's going on she's like you're in a size eight and then i yeah went into size eight but i think back then doing it and not telling anybody i got into the mindset of just

doing it for myself i wasn't doing it to please my mom and dad i wasn't doing it to please a boy or a girl or anything like that i just got into the mentality and i think you need to be always to do anything like that is being your own self yeah don't ever do it for anybody else because it'll never fucking work and no one else can make you do it you know like you have to be invested in it yourself don't you so yeah that's where I'm at at the moment so I don't know if I would share my before and afters yeah I feel like putting myself out on social media it's hard to hide your whole body isn't it yeah people would probably I remember that fake tan video you did before though and it went off didn't it my fake would probably i remember that fake tan video you did before

though and it went off didn't it my fake tan popped off are you showing like how to fake tan your you're showing how to like fake tan your back or something no that wasn't me no no didn't you do something before which was like you were going to something was it was it you were fake tanning you were going to something like with your sister or something oh that's when i was pregnant yeah yeah were you fake tanning your legs yeah i was trying to fake tan my legs i feel like i feel like the people loved it i was going to my baby shower yeah the secret the surprise baby shower yeah that seems like ages ago that does seem like ages ago um yeah so i think you know there's an audience for it oh you know people are very kind in the sense of they they they're very kind in supportive yeah anybody

will just go along because i am flipping at the moment one minute i'm walking next minute i'm running then i'm doing fuck all one minute i'm eating healthy next night i'm just shoving mcdonald's down my face i am i'm in my erratic era yeah i won't lie but i feel like i'm juggling a lot of plates i've got a lot on yeah you have just go with it yeah just ride the waves i'm scared to get back into exercise i'm pushing it further and further back like with joseph i went for a run i think after three months we're past the three month stage now we're past the past the newborn you're what are you now we're past the fourth trimester with 13 weeks yeah so we're we're past that 12 week mark so i mean technically i'm like cleared to exercise whatever that means i feel like i probably could

now do you want to do you know what i'm not as like keen to get back keen to get back to it as i was with joseph i think that's probably honestly just because i'm more tired yeah with two kids like just i think the opportunity and and the opportunity is smaller as well like before i could just get stefan to watch joseph and then i could leave the house whereas now sadie needs the boobies sadie needs the boobs we've got two children to take care of stefan's often away with work so actually i haven't really found a time where it's or if i do get a window going for a run is not the first thing i want to do no i want to like have a nap or have something to eat have something to eat a hot cup of tea

make a nutritious dinner you know so it's not been high up on my list of things to do but i feel like i should get back to it soon. Because I feel like an old woman. Like sometimes I get up off the sofa now and I'm like, Christ. This is what I mean. I'm so stiff. I feel like I've aged. Yeah.

I feel like I've had a baby and I've aged. Same. Yeah. I mean, we're past mid-30s now, so it's all downhill from here, isn't it? Well, we're not there yet. We've still got a couple of weeks. Yeah. But nearly.

Shit, it's nearly our birthdays. I know. So yeah, I'm in my erratic era yeah it's wild yeah my head is wild yeah but yeah that's that's my week that's you that's where's yours at well so yeah newborn no longer a newborn which was you know it's always an emotional time isn't it because you're just we've spoken about it before and they've grown so quick grown so quick i feel like three months was such a like turning point like she suddenly feels massive developing low she's starting to roll she's chalking chalking talking to us she's talking to us loads she's chunking up like she's getting the fat rolls on

her arms which i love i just feel like she's like a proper baby i feel like we were hiding them though because they were in their sleep suits all they're in long sleeves i feel like you can't see them no and now suddenly they're in these summer clothes oh reddy's got these little oh his little chunky arms the guns oh god i can't i could eat them up sun's out guns out yeah so yeah it's um it feels like we've really passed like a big milestone i wanted to talk to you though about postpartum hair loss we talked about that didn't we touch on this the other day i don't know if we spoke about it on pod oh haven't we because you i was admiring your amazing hair locks mine's getting i swear with the three passing the three month mark my hair loss is at its peak wow this morning in bed well

every morning when i wake up i have to clear the sheets of my hair that is shed in the night and the other day stephan went to the toilet i left like a massive hairball down the toilet that i'd collected and he was like christ is this your hair is this normal do you want to know something wild hear me out so after colby i didn't really have much hair loss after renly i've had very minimal hair loss it's girls the girls did you have to just say yeah loads really bad he used to collect all in my bum as well when i went for a shower I had very minimal hair loss. It's girls. It's the girls. Did you have to dot it? Yeah, loads. Really bad. I used to collect all in my bum as well

when I went for a shower. I used to collect all run down my back and I used to have to pull hair out of my bum. Oh, if I wash my hair, that's it. Fill the plug hole. And I used to pull so much out. And I said to Chris, if any more comes out,

I'm not going to have any hair left. Yeah. But I was still going strong until I had Renly. But do you know what really annoyed me? Is that like, so the way it's meant to go is you lose your hair sometimes after having a baby. But in pregnancy, your hair gets lovely and long and thick. I didn't get that bit.

Oh. I didn't get the good bit. I just got shit hair in pregnancy, hair falling out afterwards. Shit hormones. Yeah, maybe it's just your hormones. I don't know. My hair was really thin anyway. You've got lovely thick hair.

So maybe. It's thicker. You've got a bit to lose. But but honestly i feel like if any more hair falls out i'm not gonna have any hair left it's horrible and i'm constantly i feel bad for sadie because i'm constantly picking my hair yeah people say to check their toes and fingers don't they after the bath yeah it wraps around that yeah well even if because she shares my bed yeah sometimes she wakes up in the morning and with her hair wrapped around her finger and the circulation can make their fingers fall off I didn't realise that

so yeah so that's not great for me from my end maybe it's the hormones I think it is hormones because you've had a baby because you've had a girly

and not apparently girls take away all your beauty yeah them bitches so their daddy's fallen in love with them

is that right yeah that's a bit messed up isn't it? Isn't it? They say the girls take your beauty and look like their mommies so that the daddy... I thought the girls take all your beauty away is the rumour. Take all the beauty away from the mum.

But newborn babies normally always look like their dad. No. So the dad realises that the baby's theirs. Do you know that? That only happened with Colby though, because Redley and Dottie don't look like him. Nice. I feel like most newborn babies look like the dad.

And like me and my friends are always like, oh, it's so unfair. You carry them around for nine months and they don't look anything like you. Hold on. Hey. I just snorted on myself. Not on the iPad, thank God.

It's like, I think it's like an evolutionary thing. So that men knew, oh yeah, that baby looks like me. think it's like an evolutionary thing so that men knew oh yeah that baby looks like me i feel like there's gonna be scientific facts that someone's gonna give us the real truth yeah let us know because someone did also get in touch and debunk the tongue curling thing and said you know we were trying to roll our tongues and i was saying it's genetic oh someone came on instagram and they were like it's been disproven that it's genetic actually so here i am they didn't come in my box they didn't come in your box they must have just come in yours come to yours what they must have just written to you what the fuck sex on the brain

it's been a wild it's been a wild week of sex hasn't it yeah what would not for us no christ christ um on the pod we've had some wild sex weeks haven't we yeah refer back to the last episode it was fucking scary crazy last monday that was wild wasn't it that episode i don't think i've fully recovered we were a bit traumatized weren't we jesus mother and mary there was vomit and pussies and there was a whole lot of pussy also pussy galore it was f Fannies. Fannies. Hands up, fannies. So if you haven't listened, you've got to go back.

Yeah. Because that was, that's probably one of the funniest episodes. The one that took the most turns. Yeah. Yeah. It was a wild, wild one. We say that all the time, but really. Really, they just get more and more crazy, don't they? Crazy every week.

Crazy every week. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search for secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod.com it's time for the correspondence For the Correspondence Corner. That reminds me of Dory. Dory from Finding Nemo.

Do you think we're? Have you seen it? No. I've seen Finding Nemo. I have seen that one. So when Dory said, do you think we're? I think the difference between me and you is, I have seen films,

but I can't quote them word for word like you can. I know. I'm strange. But anywho, let's go for a number two. Number two. Number one. Did I read poo? Number one?

Yeah. We'll take anything today. Truly. Well, as you know, we've been asking our lovely listeners to help us decorate the studio, haven't we? By sending in their artwork, the little ones I've created. And we've had a bunch come through adam has the printouts cue the music so you've got a few to show us i have yeah we've got one from four-year-old phoebe who do we know who it's of? What they are? So this one from Phoebe is a portrait of her mummy Alice, who wrote in to say,

it looks accurate. Oh God, Alice. I'm scared. Right, ready? Three, two, one. It's adorable. Abstract. It's like a stick person.

In pencil. Why does this make my heart so emotional in charcoal like this is so so cute so cute it looks like a disney pixar character isn't it just the most adorable adorable picture like when they can suddenly draw noses and eyes i know don't worry about the round tummy she's got a big round tummy and a big long square head. And you've only got one hand. One hand and any legs. And your hand is not actually connected to your arm.

Oh my goodness. I absolutely love that, Phoebe. Oh, I can't wait to put them up. Can you? That's so sweet, isn't it? I'd say it's minimalist. Minimalist? Minimalist.

Less is more, I say. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Nice one, Phoebe. For a four-year-old? I'd say it's minimalist. Minimalist? Minimalist. Less is more, I'd say. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Nice one, Phoebe. For a four-year-old, I think that's pretty good. That's freaking incredible. Dotsie's burgeoning on six and she's only just started drawing. Do you know what?

We've got Joseph's toddler assessment coming up or whatever it is they have when they're Are you scared? Well, you know the thing is it gives you a questionnaire to be like, can he do this? Can he do that? Loads of the shit he can't do. It's like like draw a straight line down a page and see if your child can copy you of course he fucking can't no he's two years old too yeah he doesn't know how to do it i'm like what two-year-old knows how to do this can they like do their shoes take their shoes off i think he actually can do that um but these are just making me think like he and the thing says

like this is not a test do not worry if your child can't do it but obviously for everything that you put no for you're like well great great now you're gonna judge me yeah but phoebe i think that's decent effort for a four-year-old well done phoebe we're gonna give that what we're gonna rate it i think uh nine out of ten i'd like to see the hand attached to the arm in future i would have gone for a 9.5 yeah i don't want to peak too soon yeah that exactly solid oh i love it so much all right we've got another one from five-year-old isabel right who was drawing the garden with her mum nicole and decided it needed a big monument with her name in the middle right let's have a look are you ready yeah get them confused oh this is clearly from isabel this is i would say this is

from isabel i don't know why we would think that. Got her name in the middle. She's written that though. How old did she say Isabel is? Five. Did she write that? She's written her own name in very clear capital letters. That is absolutely iconic. It's meant to be a garden, but with all the crosses,

it does look a bit like a gravestone. I love that though. Look at the flowers. Oh yeah. I can't go over how well she's written her name I know

genius five years old that is solid that is solid writing hey if you saw Dottie her what's she like

at writing her name she writes do tea be and then she'll just throw around a B at the end

do tea she also doesn't believe that her name should have T's in it right so she puts kisses okay she just says

my name doesn't have T's so it's got two yeah she just puts loads of kisses okay and then she does an I and a B okay dotty

dotty B dotty B dotty B so this is honestly love that absolutely outstanding yeah would you like to rate it

um I feel very savage rating children's artwork do you So this is honestly, truly, absolutely outstanding. Yeah. Would you like to rate it? I feel very savage rating children's artwork. Do you? Sorry. Okay, maybe we should. Is it because I do it at home with my own children? I can't go less than a nine now after what I gave to Phoebe. Let's give everyone a 10. Let's give everyone a 10.

Everyone deserves a 10. I rate my children's lunchboxes. Now I'm starting to question, should I rate my children's lunchboxes? Well, that's you putting them together isn't it yeah that's all right it's not we're not rating their efforts okay i'm sorry yeah take it back i just i just headbutted my mouth um thank you isabel we appreciate that we love that we love that so much and we've got another one the last one is from seven-year-old amelia hold on amelia right sorry did you reveal it?

Did you see it? So Amelia prefers to draw on her whiteboard and has depicted her mummy Lisa and her auntie Sam. Let's have a look. Right, ready? Oh, wow. That's incredible. For a split second then,

I was hoping that was going to be a portrait of us. I thought it was me and you, and I thought, bit flattering. That is making me, which one are you? I'd be the one on the left. This one? With the straight hair. I would have gone with that one for you as well.

And you'd be the one... This one's given very Elsa vibes. You'd be the one with the nice plait. Yeah, it's very Elsa, isn't it? With the long plait. I love the dress too. With the long purple dress. Yeah.

That's fantastic. But a little bit off the shoulder though. Show a little bit of skin. Asymmetrical. What do they call that? Asymmetrical. Go on, girl. Love it.

Love your hair as well i mean she didn't she was she's not bothered about your thinning hair look at no exactly this isn't even us no it's not even us this is her auntie and her mummy this is mummy lisa and auntie sam this is beautiful isn't it yeah how incredibly cute i don't know which one's which but look at the hips on i know this one's got some good on the On the red dress. Look at those curves. Hello, Kim K. Hello, Kim K. I love that she even got the little swing, like the...

Little heels. No, the like the swing of the skirt. Oh, the swish. The swish of the skirt. Yeah. Fantastic. Thank you so much. Thank you.

They're adorable, aren't they? They're going to look great on our wall. They really are. So please do keep sending them in because these have been incredible, haven't they? Yeah, I love them. I love them. I love them. You'll find our address on our Instagram and TikTok bio,

or you can email them across to hello at secretmumpod.com. We've heard back from Rhiann. Oh, Rhiann. Oh, we never knew. She didn't get back to us. Well, this might be it about the pronunciation. It was her whose son unscrewed the door handles in the house, remember? Yes.

And called her tampon a fake willy. Yes. A classic. Classic. She says, hi, ladies. Firstly, Emma, you smashed the pronunciation of my name. Take that, Stefan. Yeah, take that, Stefan.

You Welshman. And yes, my five-year-old took all the door handles off. He also takes all of his toys apart genius what an absolute criminal master yeah yeah he's gonna be breaking into banks before you know it after the incident happened i did come out of the cubicle and told them i'm just on my period the worst bit is he went back to school and told the teacher mum keeps using a fake willy i had to explain that it was a tampon do you reckon the school were like yeah all right yeah that old chestnut that old chestnut or when they call you over they're like um we've got some concerns yeah about using a fake willy

in front of your child absolutely not uh she said i had to explain it was a tampon luckily i had one on me so i took it out of my bag and he said to the teacher see I told you a fake willy that looks like mine a blue pearl tan pack oh because they're small as well so where he has a little that looks like mine willy what has he got

a little blue willy no but they're they're small aren't they small and white so he'll see them and think they're like his not like seeing his daddy's

yeah and be like yeah yeah she's got she put one of their big willies in her yeah

you know at least he backed her up in the moment because it's quite classic of kids to be like don't know's got one of their big willies in her yeah you know at least he backed her up in the moment because it's quite classic of kids to be like no i'm talking about mom don't don't lie yeah don't that's literally what dotty says sometimes she's like don't lie no that didn't happen i'm like do they i'm worried about like when joseph can understand more of what we're saying like do they out you sometimes yes in public always oh god that's mortifying isn't it always yeah you gotta be so careful what you say around i know and if you try and do something like and you say to them right when you go back to school say you did say this yeah i haven't done that obviously no obviously obviously only have them off but they mug you off sometimes today yeah i'm scared about that or if i say to my

sister if i say don't say to auntie that was probably more of a reasonable answer to use don't say to auntie we've been to the movies say it okay oh i tell you what happened actually the other night we did have one we're in the car mcdonald's i accidentally was getting the children's stuff out the bag of food slipped my fingers in chris's chips and i said to the babies whatever you do don't tell daddy i fingered his chips so we drove all the way home dotty opened the front door she went mommy fingered your chips right brilliant okay so that was me when i was little my sisters could never tell me anything because i was like a grenade waiting to go off i would always let that was me out you can't be trusted i can't even keep a surprise if i buy you a gift then i'm so it's so hard for me not to tell

you have to tell you yeah yeah yeah uh rianne says he's gonna get me in so much trouble yeah yeah he will but you're gonna love it though. Yeah. Yeah. I secretly love it. That'll be me and Jojo, won't it? Yeah. But you're going to love it. Can't wait. When it becomes your like, when you can like do things.

Yeah. And like you can get away with things. Yeah. It feels like, yeah. It already is getting to a point where like I can speak to him and he actually understands me, which is so thrilling. So thrilling. Because up until this point, they haven't been able to take any direction

or understand anything. And now we can have a full conversation. And it's like you just talk in a different language to them and then one day they just get up and they get it. It's like talking to a full human. Yeah, I love it.

It's incredible. It is. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before.

And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars. And we see that. This is The Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. Here's my secret of the week. This is The Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. Here's my secret of the week.

So you know my period incident last week? The period? You'll never guess what I did today. Go on. Not only did I still have the period. Oof. We're going strong now. We're fully, fully deep into this period.

I had to go to the toilet on the train because I've worn trousers today.'m so paranoid with how badly i'm bleeding that i'm gonna have a leak gonna leak through so i went on the toilet not only did i drop a tampon no i don't even wear tampons because we were just talking about tampons i dropped a sanitary towel down the toilet oh i also dropped my whole contents of my bag off of the side in the train so the train was jolting today because it was slow because of the heat lost my whole bag there was sanitary towels flying everywhere flying everywhere literally come out of the toilet dropped a sanitary towel oh someone picked it up and handed it back to me picked up my sanitary towel and handed it back to me it's nice before i met male female male oh yeah male picked it towel and handed it back to me. That's nice. Male or female? Male. Yeah, male.

Picked it up and handed it back to me. I'm surprised. But before I even got on the train, I nearly died. I had a near-death experience because of a sanitary towel. What happened? You need to say he's excited about the story. I'm not going to lie. She can't wait to hear it.

So I put my bag down. I thought I'm going to do my little OOTD at the train station because, you know, I was feeling my outfit. Feeling yourself. Feeling myself. So I put my bag bag down resting my phone on it well my phone knocked my bag over me thinking it was my phone because I just saw this square flying out of my bag that I nearly jumped in the track and there there goes a flying sanitary towel down the train tracks and I nearly nearly fell on the tracks thinking it was my phone to try and save a sanitary towel down the train tracks and i nearly nearly fell on the tracks

thinking it was my phone to try and save a sanitary imagine that would be a really sad way to go oh she was chasing after a sanitary towel rogue sanitary towel i've spent my whole day today just chasing after sanitary towels like what a life i'm living they don't want to be they're just everywhere they don't want to be in your bag so not only am i still living with this awful period i'm now near on dying because of sanitary towels. Thank God it was only sanitary towels, not your phone. She doesn't even like

the sanitary towels. So there we go. That's not much of a secret this week, but like I said, I'm doing the garden. I've had a busy week. Not much is going on. Doing your bush. Doing my bush. The highlight of it is flying sanitary towels. Flying sanitary towels that's the highlight of my week to be fair there's been a lot that's gone on this week with dotty but i said to you tonight i need to start writing them down you do you need a book of dotty isms i need to i need to um i need to

start writing them down because you just can't remember them no because she said some funny fucking shit funny shit funny shit this was always my middle sister when we were growing up she used to say that the most the funniest things and now we're like why didn't we keep a book because we can't remember any of them like literally i was on my instagram story the other night and the other morning and everyone was laughing and sending me messages and i thought god what's happened because when i get an influx of messages it's either i've said something maybe bad or wrong or the children are in it yeah i was like oh something's been said here i couldn't say i couldn't say a word oh what was the word oh gazebo gazebo gazebo literally that was me and dots on my story i was like gazebo

and literally dotty just went it'sbo. How does she know that word? I was like, cheers, Dot. And everybody was roaring on my Instagram stories. I was oblivious to the fact that she'd corrected me or she had said the right thing. Hang on, how did you not know gazebo though? I just can't say gazebo. What do you normally call it? Gazebo.

I've never had one. You never said it? No, I just went to the football. Oh, you never said it. No, I just went to the football. We went to a football tournament and everybody, like it was the most mental thing. We went to this football tournament.

Everyone just started throwing them up. Oh, gazebos could like to keep out the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never experienced anything like it. You could just say instead,

Marky. Yeah, tent with no sides. Yeah, exactly. Or some have sides with windows. Posh ones. Some have zips,

doors. It's a funny word when you think about it. Gazebos gazabo i'm gonna start calling it a gazabo it sounds better a gazabo it does doesn't it so yeah she corrected me and said gazebo mom yes she did but it was the fact that she just she did literally did that she rolled her eyes don't worry girl i got you yeah she's always got you she just comes out with the funniest shit seriously start writing them down i will i'm gonna do that do you know what right i'm you she just comes out with the funniest shit seriously start writing them down I will I'm gonna do that

do you know what right I'm gonna hold myself to that for the next record yeah how many she says in a week just do it for a couple of weeks I reckon we'll get loads

I reckon we'll get loads yeah yeah that'd be some good content incredible content yeah so that's my secret it's not much of a secret

this week but I feel like it's funny if anybody saw me today chasing sanitary towels yeah and it gave you a little tickle and if you've nearly died chasing a sanitary towel yeah i wouldn't do that if you see it flying just let it go in the words of elsa now let's get into some of yours we've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week so emma do you want to

hit us with number one this one says hi ladies the secret about the little girl sharting in her mom's white sheets oh that was a while ago do you remember that the fresh white sheets fresh reminded me of a time when i accidentally did this to my daughter it was a really hot morning and i was three months postpartum same constantly breastfeeding and had a rough night feeling disheveled and naked because why the fuck do you even bother getting dressed when your tits are on constant demand am i right this this is literally Am I right? Have you written this? This is literally me. I don't ever...

Have you written this? Did she actually say that word for word? She literally said that word for word and I feel that so hard because I don't ever wear any clothes. Stefan's like, can you put some clothes on, please? Does he? Well, no.

He loves it. He loves it, really. Yeah, he loves it. She says, I sat on the sofa and in that moment, I violently sharted like a jet stream across the sofa. I don't know who was more shocked, me or my three-year-old from Anonymous. Oh no, I haven't done that yet.

This is Emma's story. No. This is actually Emma. Anonymous is me. That's why she's kept... Oh my God. Violently sharted on the sofa naked. Oh God.

Have you violently sharted? No. Have you sharted your pants? No. Never sharted? No, I don't think I have actually. Not even when you've been sick? You obviously have.

Yeah, like when I've been ill. I've made it to the toilet on every occasion, I would say, apart from that one that I did in the woods, that wild poo. That was intentional. That was intentional. No, I haven't. And what a nightmare as well. I hope your sofa's leather so you can clean it up.

Or imagine like a cream material sofa you'd have to throw it out. I'd burn it. Yeah. Burn it. Burn it to the ground. That'd be the same with the toddlers

in the pooey bedroom. Yeah. Yeah. You can never go back there. Never get that shit out. You never. Never. You'd be able to smell that forever.

Would you? Yeah, I reckon. No, I don't think so. I reckon. Oh God. I think a bit of a bit of a dettle. bit of bleach

you'll be well away bit of the pink stuff you'll be fine god bless i hope this doesn't happen to well not that i hope it doesn't happen to me but it's uncomfortable isn't it yeah when it happens that must have felt very wet and warm yeah bless your heart and let this be a lesson to you put some knickers on in future emma can't talk she's always naked i'm naked in bed i don't go sit downstairs on the sofa naked i've got do you not have some respect you can't say that i'm just anonymous no no do whatever you want in your own you gotta do what yeah you gotta do whatever you do you feel free yeah i never walk around with no clothes on really do you know apart from the bathroom no i sleep full pajamas do you know what's funny is now that i'm quite a naked person and joseph started noticing it now and he doesn't like it like you know i said he pointed out the

other episode he said he pointed out stefan's armpit hair yeah he said to stefan the other day when he didn't have a top on because it's been hot as fuck um i don't like your belly button daddy and then also i think because he knows i use my boobs to feed sadie they're now starting to freak him out and the other day I had to I had no clothes on for some reason I think I just got out the shower and had to pick him up for something and I went to pick him up with my going towards him with my my boobs and he's going I don't want it mummy get those milky nipples away from me can't blame him to be fair i don't want it no i don't want it oh make it stop oh yeah oh bless his little heart he's so in tune with himself isn't he he's just so grown up

sometimes i'm like how does he know that like nakedness is a bit like he would have never never questioned wouldn't have noticed no no even now if i've got my boobs out he's not he doesn't pay any attention yeah no he's starting to and he's asked Stefan about his willy before he hasn't said anything about like because he watches me do Sadie's nappy and he's never said anything about the fact that like she's got different that she's got a vagina and he never says it to me but sometimes he says to Stefan you've got a willy daddy wow so he knows about willies but he doesn't know about Fifi we'll get on to the vaginas next are you gonna call it a vagina a vagina? I don't know. You're so undecided. Undecided.

Yeah, I think we decided vagina was a bit aggressive, didn't we? It's quite aggressive. Yeah. Flower. But then, flower. Mini, a lot of people used to call it when I was younger. Fanny is a classic. Fanny is fucking aggressive.

It's funny. Fanny is funny. Oh, God. We won't be using pussy. I would use pussy. I'd definitely use pussy penis and pussy um yeah i think fanny's a bit aggressive do you vagina is a bit aggressive fufu is quite nice isn't it fufu yeah fufu yeah fufu and mini we might do that as well we'll see we'll see let you know how it goes thank you thank you thank you anonymous okay let's have secret number two

all right this one says, Hello, ladies and babies. I need to have a rant. Oh, please do. Why do people think it's okay to judge everyone? I have an 11-month-old and it is the best thing to ever happen to me. But don't get me wrong,

some days are hard. I take my baby out for a walk every day as I think it's important for both of us to get fresh air and see the world. I was walking around the park trying to get her to nap. I was looking at my phone. God.

I don't even know what's coming. I know. When a little old woman told me, your generation disgusts me. You're missing all of your baby's life because you're glued to your phone. You don't deserve the baby. I tell you, when people say respect your elders, I tell you the elders in this current world

are vile all of them all of you not all of them but they are there's some people that are so i don't know if it's when we went into lockdown or what happened but elderly people can be really nasty and really really aggressive i know i live near a lot of old people yeah and how rude that is really you don't deserve the baby. What if the baby's asleep? Well, and also, like, I see loads of stuff on Instagram that's like, don't judge mums on their phone. They might be. And then it's like a whole list of things. Working.

Like, paying a nursery invoice, booking a soft play session, booking a doctor's appointment, booking jabs. Like, you know, all this shit. Speaking to somebody that's maybe unwell in hospital. Yeah, all this shit you've got to do on your phone. Like, you're allowed to. It's maybe unwell in hospital. Yeah, all this shit you've got to do on your phone. Like, you're allowed to... I do think, like, you should try not to have loads of screen time in front of your kids.

But if you're doing something, like... And also, the point here is, she didn't know what she was doing on her phone. So don't... Assume. Back the fuck up, Karen. It makes me really mad. She says, I was very close to tears and I walked away very quickly. Oh, God bless you.

To which she shouted at me, you know'm right where does she get off i'd been awake since 4 a.m and my partner was still in bed i hadn't been able to sit down for a drink all day plus i work from home so i was going through emails there you go she was actually doing work on her phone but even if i was just scrolling on instagram i am allowed a mental break i just needed to vent and make sure i'm not in the wrong much love from me no no mia you are not in the wrong absolutely not one bit absolutely no way shape or form that woman i'm sorry you had to go for it that's so rude so rude so it's none of your business and even it's not even elderly people it's the people that just have an opinion and think they have the right to say that you don't it's not your child yeah but don't who who in their

right mind tells you you don't deserve the baby yeah what a sick twisted person is that you old witch oh god honestly that's it's really it's really rubbed me up the wrong way yeah that grinds my gears we've had a few that have been a little bit um contentious i don't know what the word is i was gonna say um negative yeah in the last couple of weeks haven't we yeah they've really got us going i would never in my right mind even if i was thinking that i would never say this is the thing as well yeah even if you think it you don't need to say anything just keep it to yourself you like she's got that she's made her feel like shit and close to tears for what for what because she thinks she's on her phone yeah

and it's just what baffles me is she's gone out to get her and her baby some fresh air she's walking her baby outside she's looking after the baby yeah her partner's at home asleep yeah so she's taken her whole self out of that house yeah she's tired she's been up since 4am and she's doing work on her phone like you don't know anyone else's shit person like you just you really don't know what goes on in other people's lives and we don't nobody has the right no question regardless of how old you are but it's always tends to be always the elderly ones i think they know better oh and they nine times out of ten so many of them say something to me while we're out and they always go you do know their children shouldn't be on scooters in the shop we're not on the scooters they're pushing

the scooters like i can't leave them outside of the shop because of the current world we live in people have pinched their scooters yeah you should be leaving them outside you should back the fuck up oh you're just like oh honestly i can't i can't and you can't say anything you're just like oh yeah i know but i can't because you know there's other children that rob things and you have to be like i feel like i'm being rude in response back yeah do you know what i mean just like i i've never experienced anything like this as well she hollered back she went back to her you know i'm right oh shut up i've never experienced like a negative comment like that but i think it may be because i live in london no one talks to each other yeah i think it's because i live with elderly where i live in a community yeah there's a lot

of elderly people around but i don't know maybe i've got a facebook people feel like they can approach you yeah because i well obviously now doing this job i get lovely lovely people you get recognized yeah but obviously people that don't know i do social media yeah which tends to be older people that always make comment about the children in a good way or a bad way uh no it's never like like elderly elderly like sort of i'd say sort of above sort of 80 they always make comment like oh should you be wearing back in my day we would never get away with wearing those trainers to school i wonder if you get past a certain age where you're like i can do what i want i don't know i feel like they're i feel like lockdown changed people maybe definitely might be us when we're older i don't know i still think

i'll be as a hoot as i am now i'll still be i'll still be a riot i don't know whether i feel like lockdown break people i feel like lockdown a lot of stuff happened a lot of people lost loved ones which is fair enough you know um that can change a person't it? But I just feel like everyone went into lockdown and we were coming out being like, you know, we've been in, we've not seen anybody, like we're in this new world where everyone's going to be really lovely.

Now we feel like we can just approach people and talk to them whenever we want. We're just horrible. Yeah. But sorry, that went really negative. We were all ranting there, weren't we? Yeah, no, you should rant, Mia. You're completely right.

You're not in the wrong. Not at all. And we're with you. And just ignore them. Ignore them if they say anything again. So right, let's have the last one, shall we? Okay. Hello, ladies.

Around four or five years ago, my partner and I had our six-year-old niece over for a sleepover. She wanted to play hide and seek around the house, so that's what we did. During the game, I heard her counting and she screamed, ready or not, here I come. I have my investigator to find you i was confused but didn't realize what was about to unfold my partner burst into laughter giving his hiding spot away as soon as he saw exactly what she meant

by her investigator i've run to the bottom of the stairs to see my little innocent niece pointing my dildo you knew it was going that way, didn't you? I don't know. I was so engrossed in the story. Then I was like, what are we investigating? Pointing my dildo towards us, waving it around like a wand. We have never told anyone about this incident.

Should we have? We now have our own little boys, so all toys are hidden in a much better hiding place. Hope this gives you a giggle. Lots of love from Anonymous. They still have the toys. They still have the toys. I can't get over how kinky you are. They've just hidden them better just hidden them better they've hidden them apart from us has got toys at home i don't have toys i have never owned a dildo no have you ever no we had

this conversation before have you ever dressed up for stefan no i we had that conversation before as well because remember when the little girl dressed in the nurse's outfit to go to school to go to school for well book date yeah yeah and we were like we have never i wouldn't be able to take it seriously i wouldn't even be able to put on sexy lingerie no no it's just you it makes me laugh it's time consuming good for you if that's for you but i wonder if they told their sister well because also how old oh she was six so she was old enough to tell that story to someone else not knowing that it was a deal dotty would have full-on been like oh i found my mum's wand in the cupboard. Yeah.

She wouldn't be able to not tell anybody. No. Dottie would be the person if I had a deal day in the house she'd have it in her bag. You can't have anything in the house because she can't be trusted. She can't be trusted. She'd be taking it into school. Yes she would. Yes she would.

She would like that sex bell from the other week. I literally get all the time from school Dottie isn't allowed to bring this in I'm like what has she brought in and she's like. Your deal day. Sorry I sneaked it in my pocket. What has she taken in? She takes in all random stuff from the house yeah although sorry you want a deck that's that that's for being up all night that is yeah that is that was a wild night i feel you christ but no she goes in with all random stuff she went in with a bottle of tippex i didn't even know i had to make my house and then i said to her where did

you get that tippex from she was like indoors i swear to this day she stole it do you sometimes look for stuff and you can't find it and all the time and then i have to wait for dotty to come home to ask her where it is she's a what's it when you're um addicted to stealing things kleptomaniac that's not confirmed by adam she she i said to her yesterday where's them pretzel sticks i had loads left in the cupboard she went yeah i left them in the playhouse uh at the bottom of the garden i was like right okay um when did you leave them today she was like no i left him a couple of days ago and the fox the fox has been up there because there's a bit of fox poo and the pretzel bag so did you bring the pretzel bag in no there's fox poo so i didn't go near it so the fox is at the whole bag of

pretzels and pooed in the playhouse and then if you tell her to go and get it will she no no no she never gets it because sometimes she goes haha i know where that is and you're like my lip gloss this morning couldn't find my lip gloss this morning she was like haha she's got it it's in her bed it's in her bed and she does that i've got my investigator ready to find that for you it's not your dildo though mom she um She had my lip gloss on her bedside table. This is what we're saying

about them getting to an age though where you've got to be careful because she could have told that story to someone else and you could have been in trouble.

Yes. I love that though. That definitely made me giggle. And hide your dildo as well, guys. I wonder if she told her sibling who's the mummy or the daddy of the baby, of the child.

Yeah. The aunt. But she said she's not told anybody. No, they haven't told anybody apart from us that's wild isn't it thank you for sharing

your secrets this week everyone is welcome in the secret mum club and if you want to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secretmumpod.com

or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram have you waved your investigator during a game of hide and seek or have you jet streamed a shot across the living room? Let us know.

There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time. On the Secret Mum Club.