Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Slutty Slug

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

It's finally happened... the ladies watched Saltburn. Traumatised isn't the word. But away from plug-hole licking, Sophiena shares Dottie's latest school troubles, we hear about one toddler's love for Lego Ninjas, and a Mum's loud return to the gym. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Halloween horror is about. This spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol. Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After dark.

And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn. The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these ACAST shows wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Hello. This is the Secret Mum Club.

I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in The Secret Mum Club! How's your week been? My week has been great. Yeah. I have felt like shit all week, as always. Immune system's still shot. I think that's like, you don't even need to mention it anymore. No.

It's now just normal. It's now more shocking when I've had a great week. Yeah. When I feel great. When you feel all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I've had my glucose test. That fucked me right in the ass. Oh my God. Did we talk about me having that as well? have you told me about yours i've done it but you've had to do it like three three so fucking shit i fucking hate it it's the scut disgusting disgusting it's a pure sugar drink basically isn't it you have to drink to see how your body reacts to the sugar and you've had to drink it three times how it breaks down your insulin yeah it's rank i just really hope i don't have to do it again but fingers crossed everything i think well it's come back normal this time you haven't got it i

haven't got it so praise be praise be that we're we're doing we're doing okay but god bless you if you are going through it i did have it with colby so i do know both ends of the spectrum yeah as team but i just don't know why i keep having to do the tests they think you've got a big baby do they they do think i've got a big baby but i just said i think i think i'm just gonna put it out there i think it's my ginormously large liver it's three times it's not baby it's liver three times the size of its normal self so yeah no they're just a little they were a little bit concerned that he's measuring on the large side. Yeah. But they've got no concerns with him. He's happy.

He's healthy. I've had a couple of midwife appointments this week. I had a few checks and stuff. I feel like you have loads of appointments. I do, because like I said, didn't I, last week, my health just isn't great. But the priority is that the baby isn't stressed and he's doing well and he's growing. Yeah. It's basically just the ship has a slight hole in it and we are slowly going down i'm just slowly sinking but no it's all is good and i can't you

know i can't i can't say any more other than the fact that he's doing okay so i couldn't be any more grateful you know i'd rather that scenario than it be around the other way i feel great and the baby's not coping well yeah so in the in the grand scheme of things fine it's fine not long it is what it is really annoying when people say that to you in it not long left it's fucking ages i've got so long i got so i just didn't go so quick though if you think about your other pregnancies don't you think they went so quick no no this has probably been the quickest one but i feel like once we get to 30 well you're 31 now i'm 29 a year's in age i wish i am yeah due to be 30 so i think once you get to the 30 weeks then it goes pretty fast it's just this climb up to the 30s then and the countdown i don't know i

felt like the first 12 weeks were like agonizingly slow because it's like when you can't tell anyone and i was feeling sick and then since then i feel like it's but you want my safe space because i could tell you because you know yeah yeah yeah i know about you it's just when you've got another baby as well like there's just no time to stop and think about it and then suddenly you're just like shit i'm having a baby in a few weeks shit and i think that's the problem and i said about this i spoke about this on my instagram quite a lot today this morning then on my travel in is that i found it really hard as to what i can put as much as i want to be on my social media and as much as everybody helps me on a daily basis i want to put myself out there and it's really hard because i'm really emotionally overwhelmed by it

all and it's not i don't want to be upset and show my emotional side for people to think that i'm being ungrateful because i'm not i'm generally just struggling with processing everything with processing how my health isn't doing its greatest i'm also trying to process the fact that this is all new for the children like colby colby doesn't remember being pregnant with dotty dotty's never seen me pregnant they're trying to process not only is mum pregnant and carrying a baby i'm a lot slower i'm sleeping loads i'm in bed i'm poorly i'm in and out of the bath so for them it's i'm trying my best to not only keep normal life for them while also looking after myself while also trying to still be present and be mum i still want to go to the after school clubs. I'm trying to make my appointments.

I'm trying to keep up with work, keep up with being, you know, my face is on my social media, you know, keep it up with my ads and the brands that have been so kind enough to reach out. So I just think it's not I'm crying because I'm ungrateful, which people think I am doing, or crying because, I don't know,

people can be really, really mean. People have been really unkind. And it's so hard for me because I don't want to talk about it. Equally not because I don't know, people can be really, really mean. People have been really unkind. And it's so hard for me because I don't want to talk about it. Equally not because I don't want sympathy. I just want to offlay. But I'm not allowed to use my platform to offlay because I'm moaning. And I'm not in a position where I should be allowed to moan according to some people. I'm not allowed to use my platform to moan.

But you want to offlay. But I also am in a position where I don't want to come across that I am being ungrateful to people that are struggling with fertility. Or, you know, I've got people that follow me that have got children that have had children and they're grandparents and they don't want to sit and listen to my pregnancy journey. And I'm trying to take everything into consideration. I think it just got worse. It's hard.

You're allowed to say you're overwhelmed though. I think people would appreciate. I know, but as much as i want to say i'm overwhelmed and i got to the point eventually today after a million stories but it's so hard without what we're saying it without someone just misconstrued in it and i'm in that fragile mind state yeah it only takes one person it only takes one fucker to say most people aren't thinking that no it's literally one out of a million but that's the one that you that's and that's the one and it's always the one i open my phone i think oh do you know what i'm just gonna sit on the train today i'll just peruse my messages back on instagram then i see one jemma told me am i not gone and you just think oh brilliant yeah

no still alive still alive and kicking here to tell the tale jem thanks babes cheers and you just think fucking fucking hell. Get off my arm. If you think that, like, don't send the message. Why? Don't send the message. Why would you send the message? I don't get it.

But yeah, no, I am. But I'm, I have been told this week that I do need to slow down. And I have struggled this week. And I've been brutally honest. I've, you know, spoken to my manager about it and said, I just need to listen to my body and I need to slow down because otherwise i'm just making myself so fucking sick yeah i can't be in a million places at once i think it's hard it's almost harder when you've got older children because there's like there's more to do like there is more to do they have to

go to school there's more washing they're more aware you've obviously got two children i've only got one like it's a lot for them to take on whereas i think as hard as it is being pregnant and having a toddler he's so much less aware like his life is basically just carrying on as normal yeah he doesn't even really know what's going on and that it comes with its own challenges having a toddler but i actually think it's easier than than what you're doing yeah with being pregnant with dotty with colby i have yeah i have struggled with having because my life life is busy now you know we weren't ever expecting to have this baby and as much as i say that and people say oh that's a mistake then like somebody said to me on the

train on the way in oh should this this baby's a mistake and you're like hold on i can't believe he's not a fucking minute i can't believe people actually say well it's not a mistake say that he just wasn't planned yeah i'm not i'm so blown away and incredibly grateful to have this tiny human growing because you know i am fortunate and i do feel really lucky but also i do have after school i say this after school clubs i have loads to do by the time i get home when we pick them up from school i've got dinner going so i start dinner we then go off to clubs where dinner's cooking in the oven so it's ready to come back it's then like a military operation when you come back i need to read stories to both children do their reading logs get their school uniform ready for the morning eat dinner bath wash hair get ready for bed into bed everyone sleep and it's sometimes you sit there and you're like fuck just fucking happen there like monday tuesday wednesday is the worst the first three days of the

week are the worst thursday and friday sort of simmer down a little bit but i think because there is so much and they want to do so much they're like mum can we draw mum can we go for a walk and there's so much that they want to do and their energy is so much more bigger than when you don't want to let them down as well when you're like do you know what i don't i'm knackered i don't want to go for a walk i just want to lay in bed but it's not fair no to deprive them of stuff as well so hard so hard so you play this horrible mind game with yourself but at the weekend it was nice i've got some down time because we've got builders in because the kitchen that was part part two season two of the kitchen

it's coming it's begun um so my brother took him out to the park which was really lovely and then we had my mum and dad around at the weekend so it kept them a little bit occupied yeah just so i could just chill yeah just chill and you built your we have buggy we've built both both um prams buggies yeah push chairs you'd call the doona a pram as well wouldn't you know it's just the car seat on wheels car seat wheels car seat pram car seats something so yeah we put the doona i say we put it together you literally just click it you just take it out of the package and open the wheels yeah it's set ready to go yeah but i wanted to get that up so we had the car i had the car cleaned at the weekend nice i love getting that done so i'm just gonna put the i think i'm just gonna put the wheels in the car yeah so the wheels are in motion yeah i'm here all week honestly so yeah

we're gonna just get that in the car so that's now the car's clean it's in there and it's done i think the double our double buggy might have to live in the car as well because there's no room in the house i live in a matchbox it's absolutely plus it's on a building site yeah and then we built the the yo-yo too went with the yo-yo what brand is it is it called i think it's just called baby oh but baby zen is it baby it's a baby yo-yo too yeah so we built all of that and then i've just put it back in the dust bags and it's under the bed so it's ready did you did it feel tiny to you because when i see people out with those i'm like that looks like a toy pram they're so small aren't they so small but so sturdy oh really really really super lightweight yeah and it does feel like you are it feels like it it looks like it would be flimsy but it's not no very sturdy and then we went with the bassinet on top so i got the newborn bit as well yeah for for when he's newborn brand new so i've built

all of that um but the only thing we've got left to do so he's got his little chair i've put the chair in the front room his little swingy chair so the only thing left really we've got to do is the bed yeah but that's it yeah the yeah next to me crib which we got up but all his clothes are washed in the drawers oh my god you're you're so organized. Ready to go. I've done none of that. But he doesn't have a room or anything, does he? No. Where are you putting all his stuff?

I've got nowhere to put new baby stuff. So I've got a chest of drawers at the end of our bed. And it's all in there. Which I've just put all his bits and bobs in there. Yeah. But yeah, it's been a productive week. That's exciting. Also, got rid of Chris's van.

I haven't got rid of Chris. No. I'm going to keep him for a bit longer. rid of chris's van i wasn't got rid of chris no i'm gonna keep them keep them for a bit longer i my dad said i asked me what's happening with chris's van because obviously chris is not working oh it's like a work van yeah the van hasn't worked for a year on your drive yeah so my dad asked me what am i doing with that i said i don't know if someone wants to come and take it they're welcome to take it so my dad took it literal um and took the van a couple of days later i didn't tell chris forgot to give chris the memo to rich chris come home and thought someone just that's basically my highlight of the week and is your dad still got

it yeah my dad's gonna convert it into a little um camper all right chris had no say in it no no no no i just needed it off of the truck wow so chris chris hated me for about an hour he was like i don't understand what's happening i was like to be fair i does he think now that you've done you've done a good thing yes he's happy yes yeah yeah yeah well i'd say he's happy i think he's just hoping that i'm gonna yeah buy him a new car yeah but no that was my week how was yours it's been all right yeah we've had i feel like i've really realized this week that we've got a toddler we've had some tantrums major major god love meltdowns they last for like a minute and then he's absolutely fine but they are

zero to a hundred wow it's so intense they've been saying it for a while at nursery that he's been doing it about sharing okay so he'll try and take something that another child has got or when they say no he sits down on the floor screams for about a minute two minutes and then he gets up did you sit down or throw he sits down on the floor yeah sometimes he lays down but most of the time he just one you should Mine used to stand from feet and just go, fall back. Did they? I was just like, rah! It was quite exorcist, isn't it?

It's terrifying. I think quite funny. But I'd never seen it in action. And obviously at nursery, I think they know how to deal with it because they're dealing with it all the time. So they were like, you know, we explained to him, like someone else had that, you can't have it.

And then he's like, fine again afterwards. But we had his little friend round for a play date at the weekend and he was not up for sharing his toys oh god plays really nicely i think he's i don't know if he's a bit of a loner because he plays really nicely on his own but if someone else tries to take what he's got he doesn't want to oh my gosh oh world war three okay and also, he's like got funny little things about eating. Like he wants to have, my nephew had this as well. I don't know whether yours did.

He wants to have everything whole. So like if you try and, like a banana, if you try and break a banana in half and give it to him, oh no. Oh, there was something going around on Instagram this past,

I think it's a thing. The things that make your toddler cry. It's so irrational as well. Cause I'm like, the two halves are the same as the whole. You can't fucking explain that to a two-year-old. No. He's like, no!

Don't break his banana. Open another one, give it to him whole. Nice as pie. Eats the whole thing. Just has to have it whole. Out of the skin. Don't fuck with his banana then.

I don't know why. I broke it by accident but the fucking, the pressure when he's staring at you of trying to get a banana out of the skin, whole. Cobby used to, Cob banana, out of the skin, the hole. Cobby used to, Cobby used to peel the bananas,

himself, I've got a little video of him, just peeling the bananas. Like a little monkey? Yeah, and he used to eat them, never understood why, he was so constipated,

because he just used to munch, about eight bananas. I think bananas are good, for getting you going, aren't they? They don't make you constipated, I thought all fruit and veg, was pretty good.

I think bananas bunk you up. Oh really? Too many bananas, working the reverse. Well, this is another lesson, lesson that i've learned so he's going through a bit of a fussy phase with food which as i've said before is my just worst i find it so stressful when he doesn't like to eat dinner the other day for dinner he just had two bananas back to back because that's all he would eat and i was like well that'll fill you up to be fair he didn't have any nightmares no but he won't normally he so good, he'll sleep for like 12 hours overnight.

He went to bed. In agony. Woke up crying 10 minutes later because I think there was maybe like a sugar spike or something from the two bananas. Two bananas. I don't know. You've had a banana before bed.

Is that too much? Well, I'm an adult, so it's a little bit different, isn't it? Two bananas. I can't eat two bananas back to back. Two bananas for a baby is too much. You'd be fucking in agony, yeah. I know. And then one night he had a fairy cake that he'd made at nursery for a dessert well he was fucking

wired going to bed because obviously so much sugar and he's not really used to sugar so he'd had that and then he was up having a full-on chat like 8 p.m we were like no sorry sorry but we normally see you at 7 30 in the morning like what is well you don't even see each other in the evening. What is this? So we're talking to the wolves. Stefan's not there to talk to. Sorry. Sorry, guys, if we can just... No, luckily Stefan was there

because I think the rare occasion that he was, I think Joseph is worse. He plays up worse for me because I don't know whether he's like sensing the baby more now that I'm absolutely massive and he's getting more clingy. I don't know whether he's like sensing the baby more now that I'm absolutely massive and he's getting more clingy. I don't know what it is, but he's being weird around me at the moment. Like he won't go down to bed properly for me, but he will for Stefan.

I don't think that's pregnancy. I think that's just testing. Is that just mum? I wouldn't say it's a mum thing because mine did it with me and they used to be great. And it got to the point where Chris used to just come home and do bath and bedtime yeah neither of them listened to me yeah they used to think it was a mockery just fucking laughing me like check out this sad bitch trying to pass the bed i just be like i think when they've been when they've been with you all day as well they just don't take you seriously they lose a bit of respect you then become the fun parent yeah yep and then they

take dad seriously because dad comes and goes because he go chris obviously used to go out to work and then come home yeah they take his authority more seriously well stefan normally does do bottle and bed to be fair so i think when it's me joseph thinks it's fun time yeah and he doesn't go down fun time frankie i mean i can't help it i'm so popular i mean you know an absolute hoot at polton's park but yeah it's been'm like, fuck, if he has a sleep regression now and I've got a newborn on the way, like, this is not the time. Or the place. This is not the time or the place. Fuck.

You know, read the room, Jojo. Know your audience. That's the crowd. We're not ready for this. We're not ready. So hopefully it's short lived, but it seems like he's had a bit of a regression, which is annoying. With food and sleeping, which is like the two most important things

that a toddler needs to do. You did fuck him up giving him two bananas though. I know, I did. I've learned my lesson there. Were they big bananas? Medium sized. Big. Medium sized.

Big kahunas. That's my week. Oh. Yeah. Sounds bloody lovely, doesn't it? Wish me luck for the next one the only thing i meant to mention about this week was um have you watched salt burn shit the bed yeah i have have you i know you have because i heard your review on instagram i'm fucking mortified you're traumatized i don't think i can get it back i think what i'm more what i'm more stressed about is the fact that i put it on tiktok and people were like i don't know what the

problem was i thought it was a really great storyline okay i fucked a grave he fucked a grave he fucked a grave and licked a plug hole a cummy plug hole. Sorry. Drinker warning. Someone's man juice in a plug hole. And then he turned into a vampire. While. Yeah. The blood. Why? Do you know that was Margot Robbie?

What? Producer. With her husband. Oh. And another lady from Call the Midwife. Emerald Fennell wrote it, didn't she? Emerald Fennell? Emerald Fennell.

She's in Call the Midwife. Is she? I know her as Camilla from The Crown. Right, if that's my midwife in hospital, I don't want to say that we might have to... Reconsider our options. Yes. But Margot Robbie and her husband produced it.

Wow. Yeah, you didn't like it. You know Barbie? I, yeah. I know. We which is all living in barbie's world coming vampires and graves what i just can't i can't right there was some weird shit in it but i did like it i'm not gonna lie to you the story was so the film was so good it was good the storyline was great yeah why did we have to have that in there they were so unnecessary take

them pits out fucking great it just added to like how weird he was do you know what i mean it was all building a picture of he didn't need to fuck a grave to tell us how weird he was we already knew can we also finalize how we pronounce the guy's surname barry keegan i think he says keegan keegan i don't know i've never seen the man before that's the actor and i'm scared to see him again that's the actor in it and do you know the grave scene oh don't you i know it was impromptu he just said he asked him to just carry on yeah just keep rolling i just want to try something here i just i think i'm more concerned weird guy great actor great actor great actor phenomenal probably award nominated it was just the fact that people had the audacity to say to me i don't know what you're weird because you didn't like it the scenes were all right i didn't

see what the big issue was the vampire scene i actually vomited a little bit in my mouth had to turn it off had to take a break and do it over two nights. The thing that made me feel the most sick was the plug hole. I don't know. I think I could sacrifice the plug hole for the fucking... No, because he actually had to act out licking a bath plug hole. Like... Well, did he not act out licking her bloody vagina?

He didn't really have to do it, though. He still had to put his head between his legs and be like... And rub his fingers all over her face. Was this a face painting lesson? What were we doing? I just didn't know. The worst bit was watching it with Chrissy as well, because Chrissy lost his shit.

Did he? If anybody saw my reaction of watching it with Chrissy, Chrissy lost his mind he was like no no there's nothing no no turn off it was the fact that my mom goes oh what is this song and everyone's oh no everyone said to me don't watch it with your family don't don't watch it with your parents the worst thing that we did was we watched it in two oh in two sittings because we were halfway through and joseph you vomited oh and we were like i don't think this is the kind of thing you should be watching around the baby and then four

days later we watched the rest of it people were like how did you leave it halfway through for a week i had to watch it because i just had to finish it and get it over and get it done with yeah i had to break it into two it was a lot wasn't it how fucking people watch that with their family on christmas day What the fuck? Did they? Yeah. Fucked. I wouldn't know what to do. Generally, what would you fucking do?

I said to my mum and dad, don't even watch it without me. I said to my mum. I don't even want to know that you've seen that. I said, I'm not shitting you at all times for you to take me seriously. I know you don't take me seriously ever in life. But seriously, listen to me on this. But seriously, on my life, I'm telling you right now, do not. Watch this film. But I know what my mum's going to do.

She's going to do it. And then she'll text me and fucking moan. And I'll be like, well, listen, Suzanne. I told you about this. Fucking sick. But great film. Great film. Rate it out of 10.

Great film. Loved it. If you could take those scenes out, I'd have easily given it a 9.5 easily 9.5 9.6 those scenes in 2.1

rank disgusting disgusting Emma and I really want to hear from you we want you to join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome

you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or you can email us, hello at secretmumpod.com.

And enough waffling from us today because we are now hitting up the Correspondence Corner. Give me a C. Give me an O. Give me an R, R, R, E. I don't know how to spell Correspondence. Don't spell it.

No. I haven't got a fucking clue. All right, this one says, Hello, Emma and Soph. I'm going to fucking clue. All right. This one says, Hello, Emma and Soph. I am a mum of two, four-year-old Ben and four-month-old Bella.

Listening to the stories makes me feel so much better about the difficulties that we all share. We truly are all in this together. You were just waiting for me to sing along.

I'm so sorry. I was so engrossed in the story that I was like... Okay. Should we do it again? All in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars

and we'll see that. I was listening to you talking about Joseph and his chickens. Dickheads. Dickheads. It reminded me of my little boy back when he was just two

and became obsessed with Lego Ninjago. For anyone who doesn't know, they are Lego ninjas. Oh. His speech was great but of course, he would get words mixed up from time to time and he couldn't say ninjas. In fact, he called them minjas. We thought it was hilarious and never wanted to correct him, so he would run around talking about the minjas.

He'd practice doing ninja tricks and he'd shout out ninja's attack minch ninja slash as he swung his little toy sword around we took him to lego land where they have the ninja section oh and people dress up as the characters when we were there he screamed oh oh mom look it's the red Minja. Everyone looked and laughed. We had the best time and he was in his element, surrounded by Minjas. Keep up the pod, ladies, and I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancies.

Lots of love, Sophie. Oh, God bless you, Sophie. That's incredible, isn't it? Oh, bless him. There's lots of footage of him calling them Minjas that you could just cherish, cherish forever. Again, a new slang for vagina for us minges minges minges people don't like minge do they i love minge i love it oh the word i don't i don't think we can talk about minge after what we've just spoken about so fluidly i love the

word minge i love the word minge that's a good one isn't it lots of people don't like moist and i think that's wonderful i think that's fine wonderful wonderful is a bit of a stretch call me barry i think eating moist minges i think it's fine i think it's fine wonderful what i love the minge story oh that's a hard thing for a child to say though ninja yeah really hard, really hard. Ninjago. Ninjago, yeah. All right, we've got another email here. It says, hello, Safina and Emma. I'm writing in response to the lady who asked what to do about her baby swallowing toothpaste. I wanted to share a trick that I use with my almost one-year-old.

Even though he doesn't have any teeth, my toothless wonder and I brush our teeth together every morning and evening, which he really enjoys. I've introduced his toothbrush and a tiny amount of toothpaste to him early so when he does have teeth this is just a normal part of his routine i love that that's clever brushing my teeth at the same time has helped as he copies what i do and finds me spitting the toothpaste into the sink hilarious then once he finishes chomping on the bristles lean him over the sink and make a similar sound to spitting the toothpaste out again he finds this hilarious and has now started to copy the sound because he thinks it's a game inevitably he is still swallowing some of the toothpaste but i like to think this is showing him what he needs to do

i hope this helps a little love layer oh that's really sweet that i know and as well that's so good for teething because it's so good on their gums i bet he loves it yes i do i've started doing mine in the morning with joseph because we actually just weren't cleaning his teeth in the morning and then when he started we were only doing it at night and then when he started eating food real food i was like we should probably clean his teeth twice a day i think that's like the bare minimum so now in the morning i say do you want to come and clean your teeth with mummy but he gets confused because i've got an electric toothbrush and he's got a manual so i think you can buy baby electric

I know but is that too much for a two year old I only love it it's only a little vibrating brush gentle one yeah because I think with mine

he's like what's going on with yours it's different it's different to mine why have I not got that maybe I'll have to get him an electric toothbrush you can maybe just get him

a little vibrating one and B&M I think they do like minion ones and they're like two to five okay and he might be

because he's nearly two. Maybe he'll be more into that. Yeah. But otherwise he just chomps the bristles and eats the toothpaste. Or just do like mine do and they used to just turn the electric toothbrush on and sit on it. And you just come into the bathroom and they'd be like, oh, God, fuck, turn them off, turn them off. Oh, my God. Yeah, they loved him.

Wow. Or they used to like put them in the bath and they'd be like. Sound like a shotgun in the bath. Sound like a shotgun in the bath. Maybe I won't get one. No, do it, honestly. Hours of fun. Can't recommend it enough. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.

Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember. We're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see them each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club this week is a wild one i feel like it's been a while since we've had a real wild wild secret let me guess what which child i will give you 10 pounds if you guess correctly is it dotty colby's too sensible now

isn't it yeah we've had a we had a we've had a little bit of an episode an episode can you call it an episode i don't know for preface of the story we're going to name a child it's not the name of the actual child in question. We need to come up with a... For data protection purposes, we need to come up with a name. So we're going to call the child in question in this story... ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Halloween horror's about. This spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol. Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After Dark. And with that,

the curtain falls on the story of anne the lynn the red room exploring irish ghost stories and haunted irish history listen to these acar shows wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com flow flow okay i don't i don't think there's any flows in our classroom okay but if there is this is not about you okay not about you or would you say dory oh yeah because i don't think there's a dory in there okay right so we're gonna say dory so dotty's got this friend dory that we've had we've had a little bit of um a little bit of uh up and down with dory okay since they started because they're both quite strong independent girlies um and they both know their own mind they love to play with each other but they also hate to play with each other. Okay.

So Dottie came home a couple of times in the week. And she was just like, oh, Dory's done this and Dory's done that. And I said, do you know what? I'll send an email to the teacher. She said, no, I don't want you to tell the teacher because I don't want it to upset her. I don't want her to feel like she's getting in trouble, mum. I'll sort it out. So I was like, okay, that's fine.

Very grown up. Yeah, very grown up. So another couple of days went past and she was like, you're going to have to say something to the teacher, mum. Because I can't sort it out. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Very grown up. Yeah, very grown up. So another couple of days went past and she was like, you're going to have to say something to the teacher, mum, because I can't do it anymore. Dory won't let me play with any of the other children. So I was like, okay, that's fine. We sent the email.

The weekend passed. She went in on the Monday. Everything was great. She come home and just out of nowhere, we were in the garden and she said, mum, you're never going to guess what.

And I said, tell me. I love story time with dots. My dad's just realised that for my whole social media journey everyone said dotty reminds them of karen out of outnumbered which she was a little girl yeah she asked the most men and it literally kills my dad my dad lives for it he relishes in it it just finds it absolutely hilarious so she come home she goes mum i've got something i need to tell you and i said okay what is it is it dory again she went she was just being a big slut today and I went I I she was just like yeah she's just she's just been a slut and I was like okay um what are we what are we thinking us

what are we thinking a slut is dotty and she was like you know them things in the garden you know when they're just going up and down and they they've lost their home and they they used to be like a snail but their their house is broken right we are talking about slug we are not talking about that other one. So we obviously had to talk about that the slut word was a bad, bad word. And I hoped that she hadn't explained to her teacher that Dory had been a slut. Yeah. Or said it to her face. Yeah, or said it to her face.

I said, you didn't call her that. She was like, no, I don't want to upset her feelings because she was only being like a little bit slutty in the playground. And I was like, right, sluggish. It's sluggish. Why sluggish why is that she basically was being slow so when they're in the garden and colby and dotty are playing they pretend to be slugs and one of them has to be really really slow because they play catch i get it so obviously she was being very sluggish in the playground okay but dotty thought she was being sluttish so i said right we need to stop saying this word it's slug so we had to emphasize on that chris wasn't home at this point bear in mind i'd already snorted peas out of my nose because we were in mid eating dinner so i said right we don't

talk about it because i said the only way to describe it is i thought in my rational brain i said slut is as bad as fuck And we know fuck is a bad word, don't we? So both of them were like this. Yeah, fuck is really bad. Yeah. Fuck is a really bad word.

So we just don't say fuck. We also don't say slut because that's bad. And I don't use that word because I personally don't like it. I do think it's an awful, an awful word. So literally,

Chris come through the door, Dottie ran like a bull in a china shop and said, do you know what? I'm just telling mummy a story that happened with me and Dory today. And I called her a slut and slut's as bad as fuck. And we shouldn't say fuck or slut.

And you know, when you're sat there like. She's just looking for an excuse to say it again. If there is anybody here in the world that could look at my house right now, that was the point that I needed everybody in. So yeah, she emphasised on the story about how Dory was a slut. Yeah, she was being very sluttish in the playground.

She wants an excuse to keep saying it. She did. But I don't think she understood how funny it was. For me, it was obviously funny. She wasn't calling the girl because she doesn't know the meaning of the word. She doesn't know what it means, no. No, but obviously me listening to it, trying to explain.

And it was the fact that she was just like, oh, she was so sluttish in the playground today and i was like oh crumbs what was she doing she just wouldn't catch her up she wasn't playing catch fast enough in the playground with her so yeah that is um that was our conversation of the week today that we have this on a regular occasion i love it but we've had to have a very big talk on yeah the difference between a slug and a slut two very different two very very different things but i think we've mastered it i think we're there she's got it now yeah i think we're there i'm hoping that we we just erase that one from our vocabulary and if you're listening dory we we're sorry yeah sorry so sorry hopefully she didn't say

to your face but you know potato potato so that is my secret potato potato tomato tomato slug slug same same no one wants to be a sluggy slut but anywho so next we'll be hearing some of yours on the Secret Mom Club. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout.

Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. This is the Secret Mum Club. The safe space for you to share your secrets. We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing this week, so Emma, hit us with number one. It says, hey Soph and Emma, I'm not a mum yet, but I am a happy auntie. When my nephew was nine months old, i was wiggling him above me and he

was laughing so much he vomited straight into my mouth happened to us all has happened to us all in a state of shock i spit the sick all over my friend friend who was next to me she screamed while my nephew found it hilarious i love being an aunt oh big hugs rachel that's a really cute one i haven't had vomit in my mouth but chris has oh i found it highly hilarious but it was the fact that he was reaching at the warm vomit that was already in his mouth oh and his was a big sick too like a milky or food oh no like a lumpy milk sick is one thing but food i think the milk six okay it's just it's just sweet isn't it yeah you're not really too fussed by it because Because you get endless amounts of dribble in there anyway.

It does smell a bit. And you already eat Joseph's food, don't you? Chewed up food. Yeah, and my own breast milk. So to be fair for me, it's nothing. What do you do? Need a brew? Just another day in the life.

No, but milkshake is a bit like, because it's gone down and come back up. It does have that tangy, sick smell. Like if you get that on. Oh, it's a little bit acidy. If you get that on like a muslin, it does smell. But um it's not as bad as blowing chunks weaning a weaning oh no it was just like slow motion like who was it colby yeah yeah dots was because he was reflux he wasn't he was sick whereas dots was not oh that girl was a beast she's never been sick hasn't he no it's scary the first time it happens i'm not gonna lie like a proper ch She absorbed it. She's actually never been sick. Hasn't he? No. It's scary the first time it happens.

I'm not going to lie. Like a proper chunder. Yeah. It had like a little bit of milksick, but. Like a proper, when it's a proper food. I'm not going to lie. I found it scary. I'd find that harder to clean up than poo.

I think it's because they're so scared and they don't know what to do. Yeah. And you're just a bit like, don't panic. Like, it's okay. Must be mad the first time that happens. It is mad. Like, what's happening? And it's always, mine's always the first time that happens. It is mad. What's happening? And it's always, mine's always at night time, like in the middle of the night.

All over the bed. And you're so disorientated and you're half asleep and you're trying to change all the sheets. Oh, no. That's my worst nightmare. I just chucked it all in the wheelie bin. Yeah. I remember you saying. I can't put the lamps through the washing machine.

No. Lord, I want to rinse them off in the plug hole. Someone will be drinking me plug water. Get Barry round. Go come on buzzer come drink my plug old water honestly i'm never gonna live that down no you're never gonna forget about it are you you're traumatized i do remember that though from having like a newborn and strangers would come around not strangers family members visitors uh and you'd be like oh they've just had a milk and you can see them like throwing them up in the air jiggling them and i'm thinking i hope that baby's fucking sick in your mouth because you don't know what we've just done because then they give the baby back to you and

you sit the baby down and baby goes and you're like yeah fucking great thank you thank you so much cheers for that well thank you rachel that's really sweet of you as well to message yeah thanks so do you want to roll into number two yeah this one says hi ladies i have a secret about my little girl she started having belly pain and we thought at nine she might have started her period early we talked about what the pains might be and started preparing her for what would happen fast forward a year and she came out of school not feeling great and later that evening she started to be sick. The next day she was really poorly and I thought she was being very dramatic as I thought it was a sickness bug. I found it very funny how dramatic she was being as she told me a few times she was dying. Later in the afternoon she asked to see a doctor so we took her to an emergency GP.

We ended up in hospital and she was rushed into surgery as she had appendicitis four pockets of infection on her bowels that had been building for the last year and burst oh shit oh that's really bad isn't it stefan had a burst appendix oh gosh i can't even imagine that this story's gonna get she's gonna feel so bad isn't she the doctor said a few more hours would have been a different story oh my god she's on the road to recovery and he's doing amazing danielle that is that makes me feel so stressed so scary oh danielle bless you i can imagine that that process in your mind when you're i've done it you know we've all done it we've all been there we've all done it and i've said to colby oh come on stop you're fine yeah yeah and he's not he's generally and then he vomits everywhere we've not had anything as as severe as that you think is you never know when to take

them seriously because they don't always tell the truth oh god bless her though well i'm glad to hear she's doing well yeah thank god called it just in the right nick of time i'm hoping for two boys but i'm so glad she's doing well danielle all i love to um to her yeah bless her heart what a little trooper. Thing is, if you start to believe your kids when they say every time they're ill, then you run a slippery slope, aren't you? They'll never be at school. My mum and dad were savage.

They used to send, my sister famously says they sent her into school with glandular fever. They were just always like, you're not ill, you're fine. You're fine. In you go. I do do that. But then, you know, Dottie might actually think we're all sluts. So, you know, you've got to take're fine. In you go. I do do that. But then, you know, Dottie might actually think we're all sluts. So, you know, we've got to take the rough

with the smooth, really. Right, should we roll into the last one? All right, this one says, Hello, Emma and Safina. A funny thing that happened to me a couple of weeks ago, the first week of 2024.

Finally, after a three-month hiatus, I returned to the gym to attend a lovely, relaxing yoga class. Oh, nice. Lovely. It's in a huge room that could hold

60 people but this class was small 10 people including the instructor the lovely relaxing music was playing quietly and after 30 minutes of breath work we began to move into downward dog and so on i really hope you farted during a three-legged dog i felt a large sucking of air up into my foo-foo. What's a three-legged dog? Oh, it must just be, what, you're on two hands and one leg? No, it's like that, isn't it? This is one, and then you have two legs, and you put your bum in the air.

Don't I? So you don't do that your arms separated, do you? You put your arms forward, like this. Like that, rather than separated arms okay oh just googling it bear with us oh that's what i thought that's not what it says in the karma sutra i'm kidding i'm kidding you've been doing it wrong your whole life clearly not yeah their pregnancy and all. She says, I'm in this three-legged dog, absolutely cringing and dying

because I know what is about to happen as soon as my leg comes down. And sure enough, the loudest queef I've ever heard came out of me and it wasn't just that one earth shattering one. It didn't stop. There were at least six aftershocks. I died.

It's when you keep walking, it's like... This is like your waxing story. It just didn't stop coming. I died. They echoed in the huge room. I didn't look around and I didn't want to run away. So I just stayed for the last 20 minutes. What a wonderful way to start the New Year fitness regime

from Irish Laura in New Zealand. Thanks, Irish Laura in New Zealand. I love that. I'd have braced it. If I was there, I'd just be like, do you know what, girls? Respect. Respect you all for my gaping vagina here.

I could suck the whole class in mine at the moment. I'll take you all in. You'll all be like this. Like a vortex. I'll be sucking everyone straight in. I'll suck you in and spit you out. That's the kind of thing you would do though, isn't it? Big queef in a yoga class.

That is me, isn't it? I shared a reel on Instagram. Did you see my Instagram reel reshare when the girl comes out of her class and she's like oh my god I just had the best the best class and there's someone walking up ahead and she just goes in the corridor and this girl's like

and the girl goes oh I'm so sorry about that and she's like no it's fine don't worry about it and she's doing an Instagram story and this woman in front of her just like this massive huge fart and it's the fact that she shits her pants and she's like that's me i'm the farty friend you are i did left me out at christmas didn't i massive fart outside my sister's house and my friend was there

yeah i was like oh sorry people in the street i just farted yeah listen yeah farting in the street you just got to embrace it i think yeah you have don't be don't be embarrassed i hope you've gone back yeah i hope so i hope you've continued because that would have just been my that would have been my whole reason to go yeah yeah just like thank fuck i got that fart out what a comeback hopefully it make me shit just queef as well what a great word such a great there aren't many better words we queef but whatef. But what didn't we, isn't that the hairstyle we used to have at school? Queef. Queef, yeah. Nice, queef.

What hairstyle did you wear at school, Mum? A queef. Yeah. Big fat queef. Big fat fanny part on your head. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah, if you want to share your secrets with us, you can.

The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you seen the red binges in Legoland? Or have you released an earth-shattering queef? Please do let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts podcasts here's a show that we recommend halloween horrors about this spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts the magnus protocol catch you next time. No, you won't. After dark. And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn. The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these ACAST shows wherever you get your podcasts. Acast.