Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Talking Fu Fu

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Everyone’s giddy in the studio today. You might think it’s because Christmas is near, or the pregnancy hormones… but in reality it’s due to the completely unhinged secrets and correspondence this week! We’ve got Sophiena’s trip to the Isle of Wight, Emma’s run in with Santa, an unsolicited dildo slap and an animated fu fu… Yep, there is A LOT going on in today’s episode! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ho ho ho hoes hoes bros and hoes hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all love secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And though serious or silly, last week we were like, we can do this off by heart now. Those secrets can be serious.

Those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Tell me about your week. Do you really wanna know? Yeah yeah it's been fucking hell on earth oh no hell on earth because i decided to rip out the kitchen didn't i yeah kitchen lounge conservatory vanished gone poof it's terrible it's so bad but winter's not the time really is it to do it is your house freezing i'm gonna be honest with you i don't think any time is a good time it's not a good time no to rip out your kitchen and live in a building site no no but why not three weeks before christmas and why not just take out all three fucking rooms yeah i mean you could have done one at a time i know i could have but

that would have been sensible am i sensible no am i fuck no um but the end is near is it is it nearly done now we've got the final curtain i saw a lovely um progress pic of your kitchen you did this morning yeah it's looking lovely thank you very much so you're nearly done no absolutely nowhere near those two rooms are nearly done for christmas right but i've still got a lot to go with regards to the conservatory that's the biggest job yeah of all mankind that's like everest climbing it what are you having done so i'm going to board out the roof oh so it's not glass yes it's not glass we're going to board it out and then we're going to tile the outside so it's basically because it's going from a conservatory to just an extension just an yeah just a room a building yeah just a uh it's going

to be an extension of the kitchen so it's going to have kitchen units the same as the kitchen oh nice and tiles the same as the kitchen so it'll look like one progressive room so you're expanding your kitchen a little bit a little bit nice but the carpets is carpet day today in the kitchen i feel like it's coronation day no in the kitchen carpet in the lounge all right nice yeah chris has been painting okay but yeah it's been a busy time we've been to we went to the isle of wight this this past gone week to see to see the big man marva mismas he was he was just an absolute dream come true nobody's done it i cannot recommend it enough it's tapnil farm over on the isle of wight but they change it every

single year like i think we should go next year what doight but they change it every single year like i think we should go next year what do you mean they change it every single year it's not always santa well santa's there yeah of course but they have the elves do a different theme every year okay so something different every year i literally wet myself the whole time because we had to board the titanic well the babies were calling it the titanic but i don't think the elf said it was the titanic but there was a ship in there right and we went down and as we went in we went into the coast door of the boat nice um but what my mum didn't realize is there was a vipx entrance where she could just go under the boat god bless me mum she's had a hip replacement so she's she's not you know she

needs a little bit of wd-40 sometimes bless her because she can't she can't bend at the waist yeah so she come down the slide not realizing how fast she was coming down the slide but while in the process of this my dad also had sat down on the slide not realizing there was no lip on the slide so my dad started coming down oh no but i thought he was waving us to move us out of the way. So I was thinking, fuck, I can't catch my mum. She's going to plop off the end of the slide. And my dad's like a plane directing us all the way from the slide. Not to, not to, when he actually come down the slide, I just thought, I said to dad, why did you tell us to move out of the way?

I couldn't catch mum. And he was like, I wasn't, I was trying to grab the slide. I was trying to grab onto something. He was trying to grab. Just flailing. But I was going to the children. Move out of the way. Grammys and granddad are coming down the slide.

Thinking, bloody hell, my dad's a bit selfish. She's going to fucking fall off. I'll never get her up. She'll need a new hip replacement. Was it meant to be for adults? I don't think it was. I think it was just for the children. The lady did alliterate to me three times that there was a vip vip um entrance onto the ship that i could take and i was like no no did you

go down the slide yeah i did go down the slide wish i didn't i did well wet myself then i wet myself at my mum and then i wet myself at my dad so i was full on pissy pauline well is that it now like once you need to go you gotta go yeah the pregnancy yeah yeah I think so yeah I just from drinking too much you're normally quite good at holding it not like I am yeah I think it's the laughter combined with yeah um the wine with the weight of the weight on the bladder yeah just need to I just need to um understand the bladder a bit more but we went around tap no farm and I can't recommend it enough but we got stuck on the isle of wight oh no yeah missed the last ferry so

what was funny is we got on the ferry from southampton and we sat on the ferry and they delayed our ferry by an hour and a half because of the fog was so bad so my sister jokingly was just like oh god imagine we get stuck over there did thank you roxanne she jinxed it what happened so we got over there and it was all going great we went in we done all the sea santa we went around all the farm we did loads of stuff there was loads of bits there for the babies to do so then we went for dinner and we all just got this text message sat at the table me chris my dad my sister just not my mum she wasn't on the the chat bless her we all got the message so i just looked down the table everybody my dad was like what did it say um message from red funnel ferry all ferries

cancelled then what happened so then i went to the reception desk well my sister went to reception desk i was trying to sort out the babies and dinner because it was all coming out and it was all a little bit go go go and at tapnall farm they have like different accommodations for you to stay at so my sister was like i've seen their what their instagram and i know that they've got accommodation free and luckily they had a little cottage well i say a little cottage it was a big cottage for all of you and they took all 11 of us yeah wow but my um my brother-in-law was at home with with my sister's doggy because that he couldn't come over i went to asda bought everybody pajamas oh we had to get any stuff we had nothing no because we only were only meant to be over there for the day but the babies lived and relished every second my mom my mom was in

hell i was like get me home that's quite a nice like but nothing has ever alone turn of events no and i feel like this is the first time not only has something happened where we've had to like all hands on deck but to be christmas as well we're gonna remember this there was a tree in the lodge and everything i was honestly living i think it's quite nice in the end the best time of my life yeah and then to top it all off we had a power cut so the only thing we could do was go to sleep what was going on with the weather that weekend it was just really foggy going over to the island speaking so yeah the next day we had to get on the ferry which is great because loads of people had said hello to me on the ferry on the way over so going back obviously there was people on the ferry but

i'd updated my instagram story to say that we've been stuck so i was like please don't stand too close to me because i stink these are my pussy pussy trousers from yesterday had to wear no knickers what you mean you got recognized on the ferry yeah yeah lots of well i say people said hello that's nice people said hello yeah but we all had to just wear our clothes from the previous day so it was just it was just it was just an experience but But we had a great time. That sounds like it turned out quite nice. Can you top it? Honestly. Well, I want to know what Dottie thought of Father Christmas

because she was scared of him coming into your house. She was still scared of him coming into your house. What was she like when she met him? She was actually okay because she was okay that that was his house. Oh, okay. So as long as he's not in her house, she's fine. I'm going to be really honest with you. Dottie literally submerses herself into the whole whole experience if anybody wants to ever feel like they're getting

their money's worth i highly recommend you take dotty with you because that girl when we did the shrek adventure in the summer she was a part of the fucking crew she was taking the tea she was joining rumple stiltskin she was fully she was like everybody hold on shrek is gonna get us you know she was fully method acting yeah she was in there she was going to um she was like, everybody hold on. Shrek is gonna get us. You know, she was fully. Method acting. Yeah, she was in there. She was going to, she was going to Sunny when my mum was coming down the slide. She didn't give a shit.

She was like, what we gotta do, Sunny? I need the letters. I need the letters. Cause we gotta get the letters over to the snowman. She's turned into like an elf. To everyone we went to, every elf we went to, she was fully, fully submissed. And then she got to, she got to Santa at the end.

She was like, Santa, I've had a a really long day i've been collecting all your mail sunny dropped her on the way and the man was just stood there as if to say my mom and dad bless his heart didn't know what to think because she was just like fully and then she come out because my sister was in the group behind us so we did it with my mom and my dad me chris and colby so five of us yeah and then my sister was the group behind we come out at the end obviously my sisters are a lot older she's got two that are big and two that are little and still there um um and she come out and she just literally her head was blowing her head was blowing off the spot and she just had so much to say she was like i've been on a boat today and i've i went i went to the

north pole i found snow i met this elf and i've been to see the dogs on the husky ride like she'd literally lost her shit it's so magical but she and then we got on the ferry to come home she was actually quite scared to go on the ferry but we got over that she loved it in the end i got on the ferry to come home and she was just like still don't want him in my house after all of that right okay i don't know what you can do no to be fair i'd rather keep it that way i'd rather just be you know shit scared how's she gonna get a present so i don't know just say you're gonna have to go and get him off him yeah bring him into the house he'll knock the door let me bring him for a yeah we also met father christmas oh yeah oh your instagram story it didn't go so well because you know what he's like

he gets about so all the children can meet him he just doesn't like it when someone i feel with joseph is he just doesn't like it when someone's trying to take his attention like this line like that like this is about me guys yeah i'm with my family yeah i'm the number one here he's used to being number one yeah who is this man trying to take my spot well I suppose like it is quite weird if you've never

seen anyone like that before because no one looks like Father Christmas so it's just this big guy in like a big red suit with a massive white beard I'm giving I'm giving Santa vibes

can we talk about the bones on your head I was talking about I was talking about more the belly the belly I'm a hoe no i'm not we've gone christmasy with our head here i can't stop looking at yours mine is ginormous

it's so big i bought it from the range do you feel like anytime you say the range do you have a range here yeah what in london they're in like retail parks and stuff yeah oh nice yeah i love the range every time i go to someone tried to tell me once it was called the orange no because the r is in the o it's the range and it didn't work out um but i bought it in the range yeah i just can't stop looking at your head like a huge christmas present i know that's what i said when chris says what am i getting for christmas me if you like and then you should have put a ring on he did so i put a bow on it yeah look at that your present is my presence uh yeah so he hated it but i i feel like meet so we got a picture they took basically this is a situation went on a went on a polar express santa train you ever done that before you like go on a little like rickety train yeah like a train

through like a little village forest like a little village thing and you see like all these things on routes some people wear their pajamas on them don't they do they yeah like a nighttime service oh god no it's bloody freezing we were all wrapped up it was really cold it was at orderly end in um essex oh nice i met all my family there um go on this little train you see like the elves in the workshop you see like fairies like it's quite like magical it's like in the middle of the woods cool like joseph would have just been happy with that to be honest like his little face he was like didn't know what to make of it all like having it was okay with the alt yeah fine having a nice time then father

christmas comes down the line has his picture taken with all the children in each different carriage so you give them your phone they take some pictures of you. Oh, wow. Okay. They were like, they handed back my phone. They were like, this was the best we could get. And he's like, screaming. Yeah.

Screaming, crying. I mean, it's a good picture. I feel like. It's when you get an arm in the face and you're like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a rite of passage to have a picture of your baby crying with Santa Claus. Yeah. I feel like. I think I've got four years worth with Dottie. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a rite of passage to have a picture of your baby crying with Santa Claus.

Yeah. I think I've got four years worth with Dottie. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got one. You've got one with Colby as well. Or did Colby always like him? Colby.

I wouldn't say he liked him, but Colby was just never bothered. Just chilled. Yeah. Just chilled. Yeah. No, he absolutely hated it. So I feel like that's one for the album. Yeah, that is one.

So yeah. So he didn't, he didn't love that, but he but he loved everything else the whole experience there was like a playground maybe he'll be like dots and hate him when he's coming in the house maybe yeah yeah maybe i don't know i feel like he's a little bit too young for it at the moment because he doesn't really understand it's weird you're trying to get some strange man to touch your child it's a weird i mean i smile with him santa they don't do the old sitting on the knee anymore not where we were anyway you're not allowed are you not allowed so he was at a safe distance but um yeah he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't love it we went to see

a little um show like they put on little shows with a fairy cute and the fairy was like singing to the kids no i wasn't interested in that he just ate his sandwich at that point he just wanted to be at the farm yeah he basically wanted to just play in the mud yeah like a little pig he had a little um oh so cute it's the first time i've put him in like a yeah a snowsuit good job he did because he was falling over in the mud constantly and his wellies that it was a bright blue though wasn't it it was light blue it's a light blue yeah dangerous choice but yeah it was um it was really cute actually the funniest thing was because we were around my family and they obviously called me emma which is my name he started he started calling me emma that's really funny it's so cute

what does stefan call you well my so my theory was that he doesn't he hasn't really heard our names before because in the house we just call each other mummy and daddy. Right, okay. So when you take the piss out of me for calling mummy and daddy, you're actually doing it yourself. Do you know what? You never think you're going to be that person and then when you have a baby,

it just happens. Yeah. Doesn't it? And then you save them in your phone and daddy's calling. Sorry, let me just get this. Daddy's calling. No, sorry.

I haven't taken it that far yet. He's still in my phone as Stefan. Yeah, but what if there's an emergency and Joseph needs to call dad he's still in my phone as stefan yeah but what if there's an emergency and joseph needs he's in my call dad he's in my phone as stefan powell like it's full oh hold on it's just oh there's my dad stefan's calling which one oh it's stefan powell yes the my husband and your dad um just in case i get confused about which stefan's because there's so many spelt the same as well it's so formal um there's so many. Spelled the same as well. It's so formal. But yeah, so he started going around the play park being like, Emma, Emma.

I was like, it's mummy to you. Thank you very much. What does your nephew call you? Emma. Yeah, that's the thing. He doesn't call you auntie. No. So I'm just auntie.

No, I'm not even auntie. I used to be auntie Fina, but now I'm just auntie. No, yeah, he doesn't. I don't no so i'm just auntie no i'm not even auntie i used to be auntie fina but now i'm just auntie no yeah he doesn't i don't know if he even knows that word he calls us just by our names that's quite sad are you not sad about that no you don't i call my aunties and uncles by their name fuck off yeah do you call your aunties and uncles auntie and uncle yes you fucking nutter even as an adult yes what if i call when they call my brother they go hi richie colby does hi richie i'm like ah that's uncle richie to you no but you know i think it's a bit different in my house because i always call my mom and dad by their first names fuck you

you've taken the piss no you winded me up no i call my dad steve and he is my real dad i don't know where it came from i don't know i think if my dad was called steve i might call him steve yeah yeah but not even your mom no call her nick fuck you are fucking pulling my dick no and i my my granddad used to say it was like disrespectful it's so disrespectful to not call your mom and dad mom and dad but we thought it was funny and now that joseph started calling me emma i think it's hilarious so what does he call your mum and dad no no granddad yeah but when he once he realizes their real names he'll start calling them steven nick i'm so i'm trying to teach him stefan at the moment but that's quite a hard one for a baby

isn't it just say fanny sorry stefan no offense probably got traumatised at school for that um we I need to know this then is this a common thing right what we show of hands are we auntie and uncles grandma's grandad's

mum and dad mum and dad yeah I think we're normal I think in the room I'm the anomaly wow but I'm gonna encourage

what does Stefan call his mum and dad mum and dad actually everyone calls his dad Rich which is his name I know it's weird have you have you has he ever said to you why are you calling your mum a dad? Steve and Nick.

I think we just thought it was funny when we were younger. How does Steve and Nick feel about it? They don't care. Your mum doesn't give a shit. If I called my mum Marge. Is that her name? No, her name's Suzanne. But I called her Marge.

Why? My Marge is you. Why? Because that's just what she was when I was Marge. Why? My Marge Uji. Why? Because that's just what she was when I was growing up. She was my Marge Uji. But now she's just Grammys. My nan was actually called Marge. What a great name.

Stunning name. Marjorie. Marjorie, yeah. My mum's now just Grammys, but I call her Grammys. Yeah, no. If you're avoiding calling her Grammys, or mum, she would belt me. She would belt me so hard into next week if your children

refuse to call you mum and dad let us know yeah or if you don't if you call your mum and dad by their names yeah some people might do it though

if they don't have like the best relationships with their mum and dad so I get that but not when you're yeah or if it's like a step dad or a step mum or something

or a loving family I think I thought I'm saying this while wearing a fucking Joe normus bow on my head honestly today i can't take anything you say seriously so me and emma would really love to hear from you we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all welcome and you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us

hello at secret mum pod.com and we're gonna hit us with the correspondence corner this one says hey soph and emma i know how much you were surprised by the secret pregnancy shit the fucking bed it's is this the lady she's not getting back in touch but it's someone else who says i've been in that exact same position. I kept my whole fourth pregnancy a secret from our family and friends. We told our immediate family at 34 weeks. Fucking hell. And didn't tell a single other soul until she was here.

Everyone was shocked. Right, how are we hiding it? Because I... Look at us. I'm not hiding this. Look at us. Are you hiding yours? There's no hiding this no one's gonna go

to me oh she's definitely smuggling a watermelon i just i i think honestly from about six weeks this pregnancy i couldn't have hidden it as she says it was not a planned pregnancy and our other daughter was only nine months old when we found out that's a small gap isn't it question who is having that who was having sex that quick fourth baby as well wow fourth yeah fourth baby holy smokes yeah an 18 month age gap is not for the faint-hearted oh thanks for doing the math because i was just trying to work that out yeah nine plus nine genius genius so i wonder if you're wow that's either wow that's what my mom had real quick my mom had 17 months between me and my sister. She had sex real quick.

Go on, Nick. I think she thought she couldn't get pregnant because she was breastfeeding. But that's still really quick to have sex, isn't it? Like I could not think about having sex after vaginal birth. I don't want to think about it too much. It was during the pandemic, so we didn't have many visitors.

That's why. Oh, that's how you hid it. And when we did have anyone over, it was baggy jumpers to hide my tummy everyone just thought i was getting putting on covid weight she's now two and a half and i think she was sent to test the whole family crying laughing emoji i hope you both have happy healthy pregnancies and a wonderful christmas with your families love from amy b oh amy thank you so much that is adorable is it my sister says that my last niece was out to test them.

Sent to test them. Yeah. Fourth as well. Fourth. She's number four, yeah. Four kids as well. She's wild in the aisles. Is she?

With Dale Winton, yeah. She's mad. She is mad. She's a crazy, crazy girl. Just a fourth one with that close age gap as well. It must just be madness. I just don't know why we're having sex that quick. Why is everyone having sex?

Is anyone having sex during... Are you having sex during pregnancy too during pregnancy yeah fine but after you've pushed a baby out is another matter i'm too scared i'm six months deep now i'm just thinking what's another three months of no sex too scared to what have sex poke the baby in the head no just like big baggy vagina it's very swollen my foo-foo this time is very swollen. There's no risk to having sex during pregnancy. Oh, I know, but I've also got a massive swollen foof. It's all just like, rah! You know? My boobs are massive.

There's so much weight down there. That's why. No one tells you that your foo-foo swells up. It looks like a fucking inflatable boat. Honestly, if I go in water, I'll be foo-foo up and boobs up. You'll float. You'll be fine. I'll be like a fucking thing for eagles.

Crumbed. If your ferry from the Isle of Wight had gone down, you'd be fine. My ferry is fucking swollen. You'd be alright. I could have fucking swam back and took the whole family

back on me massive ginormous foo-foo. It's so swollen. Is yours swollen? No. No, I think it's because I've had two and I've had two vaginals.

Do you know what? I've never had a vaginal birth. Maybe that's why. it's like your insides are just coming out wow it's like the baby's just there like i'm here he's ready i'm not really ready do you ever feel like like sometimes i feel like so heavy that i feel like this baby is ready to come out you're joking i put on about two and a half stone right now yes no but literally like the weight is so low sometimes it feels like it's gonna come out any moment yes i feel like he's is so low sometimes. It feels like it's going to come out any moment. Yes, I feel like he's right there. But I've got weeks left to go.

Like he's just going to pop a hand out and be like, yeah, hello. Yep, not quite ready. Are you feet down? Is he feet down though? He's bummed down constantly. Bummed down. He sits like a little Buddha. So that's why.

So his head up and he's just constantly, constantly down. Nothing's high. That's why it feels heavy on your bladder. He's just down. Have you got a head under your ribs then? Drop it down. His head under your ribs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing's hard. That's why it feels heavy on your bladder. It's just down. Have you got a head under your ribs then? Drop it down. Drop it down. Drop it down.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like uncomfortable. And he just does this. The last scan I went to, it was just like this. Side to side. Whoa!

This urinus is wild! Got so much room! So much room for activity! Mine doesn't have any rib. I think it's busting out. You need to do a pack on to more pants, girl. Get them double chins.

I said, I messaged in, didn't I, the other day, we need to fucking change the angle because I ain't got no jawline. Should we change the filter? Because I was like,

can we change the filter to make me look not pregnant? Any chance we can go out of camera a little bit, Ios? My jawline's fucked. along with my fanny and the nipple hairs are wild yeah i've got hairy tits anyway why does that happen now that's not pregnancy thing that's just you they're just quick enough no i'm just thinking where's my

hairy nips i don't know that's what mean. You want me to put these ugly fucking breasts in a baby's face? I don't think the baby will mind. Hold on, love. Let me just dermal plane my boobie. Let me just beat that. Beat that off a second. I don't think the baby will mind. What, my hairy nips?

No. As long as there's milk coming out. You have a fucking stubble rash. What's wrong with this face? Sorry. It's just a milk rash. Okay? Shave me nipples. sorry it's just a milk rash okay shave me shave your nips before you go into um don't don't go in hairy go in bold have i told you my friends my friend's story about the um do i have to shave my fufu

because it's so swollen i'm generally scared'm going to cut my labia off. Do you know what? Is it a labia? Yeah. I'm so scared it's going to just come off. I went for a spa weekend the other day. I could not... Are you waxing your fufu when you're going for a cesarean?

I could not, no. I'm contemplating. I tried to shave my bikini line before because I had to wear a bikini at the spa. Oh, shit. I can't do it anymore. I can't see a thing. I can't see fuck all. I said to Stefan, you're going to have to start doing it for me. I went away do it anymore. I can't see a thing. I can't see fuck all. I said to Stefan you're going to have to

start doing it for me. I went away to Sandy Balls didn't I? Yeah. And they were like my sister was like bring your swimsuits. I was like fuck okay

I'm going to have to go in the swimsuit. Never wear a swimsuit. So I took a razor picked up the blunt razor from home didn't I? Two hours I was in the shower trying to shave.

Come out I'd have an hour lie down. I was fucking light headed as shit. I'd been spent so much time upside down all the blood had gone straight to my hot shower as well it's really hard work too much you can get a wax while I don't know I looked at I looked it up it is safe I nearly died when I had it done with Dottie did you have it done before you went in yeah I did I nearly died I do think

in a cesarean they will still see it I think you'll still have everything out down there I can't remember from last time but I think I didn't have it they don't need to see it. I think you'll still have everything out down there. I can't remember from last time but I think I didn't have it. I think they don't need to see it though, do they? I was naked anyway. I'll be like,

don't be so perverted. No, I'm joking. I was naked anyway because I'd been in labour. If I've got to take my pants off I'll take them off. I think you do have to. They're not going to do

a cesarean with your knickers on. God. So, yeah. They do a wax with your knickers on. No. Yeah, they do. No.

I've had a wax with my full-on knickers on. No, in mine then i take everything off well that's the way you're going in london down south we like to say a little bit modest have i told you my friend's story about harry bush during pregnancy during labor has she got every fact and was it okay no she pushed the baby out and the doctor goes oh that's a lot of hair and she goes she goes she goes, they told me no one would mind. And he was like, I mean the baby.

Imagine if the doctor was like, whoa, that's a lot of hair. You could have got a wax before you came in. Baby just had a full head of hair. That's what he said. They told me you wouldn't mind okay are we ready are we ready for another one are we ready to move on from the bush yes sorry

sorry we got way late then i'm so sorry yeah sorry i think i need a drink of water would you like some water i've got some thanks all right while you're topping up we've got another email here it says good morning ladies i absolutely love the podcast it's the highlight of my week when i'm doing housework or driving i was just listening to the dildo unicorn episode a classic and it reminded me of a time when my partner and i had been away for my birthday oh no oh god she took a unicorn when we came home my entire extended family was at my house for a get together on my mum's birthday my parents had been looking after my children for the weekend and at the time my son was going through a phase of wanting to sleep in my bed regardless of if i was there or not my dad was sitting at the table and proceeded to announce to the whole family

that he had been woken up in the early hours of the morning by my son oh fuck oh fuck fuck i don't even want to know i don't want to know by my son smacking him around the face with my dildo oh no oh no was it used i wanted to die i looked at my partner who was here meeting all of my family for the first time he was bright red my dad then proceeded to shrug it off welcome him to the family and tell me it's on top of the wardrobe it was pinned that very same day and we still laugh about it now and yes we are still together oh god loved you both alex alex god bless your heart that is absolutely imagine fucking waking up without fucking working you how did he know did he just get it i say if you're gonna rob someone's house i say go for a

dildo as a weapon because that thing would take your head off wouldn't it dildos was so heavy i wouldn't have filled some in the shop the other day oh my, did you? After we were talking about them on the episode. Yeah, yeah, I did. Because you were like, where do people get them from? You had to go and do a bit of market research. You do that. They're in like dingy dark corners, aren't they? What, did you find anything?

Just that they're really heavy. Yeah, so heavy. Yeah. And they come in lots of different varieties. Suction ones. I also don't really like that they put like a rabbit on them. Do they? What is that?

That's weird. I don't know. It's like a one with a big willy. With a toy rabbit on the front of it. What is that? I don't know. That's weird. Wow.

Wow. And they're big as well. Are they? Some of them are big. Bigger than a willy. Well, it depends on the willy. Depends. Depends on the man, I suppose.

Depends on the motion of the... Hey, it's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean. I thought it motion hey it's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean i thought it was it's not the size of the whale but it's the motion of the ocean oh the boat would make yeah not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean no i think that's it um whale god bless granddad god bless sleeping in the bed with the baby and getting whacked around the face with a dildo i mean hopefully it was clean he really went through it that weekend poor granddad and he put it on top of the face with a dildo. Hopefully it was clean. He really went through it that weekend. Poor granddad. And he put it on top of the wardrobe.

What a lad. Yeah. Sensible. Yeah. Like it's there for you when you need it. Later. I got you. I got you.

Woo! So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. It can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember. We're all in this together. And we know that we are probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars.

And we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club. So here's my secret of the week. Go. It's really not actually a secret. It's actually something very traumatic that's happened. i did talk to you about it this morning briefly but i said to you i'm not i can't talk to you about it now we're not allowed to talk are we unless it's on mic i know um so colby and dotty went to a party yeah a children's party right everything was going great having a wonderful

time they're running around they're doing bits they're having the best time of their life there's no poo involved yet oh no um so we sat down the babies had their lunch everything was fine it wasn't till dotty got to like the last bit of her fish finger that she said my fish fingers are very slimy i said oh are they she was like yeah i don't i've had them but they're very slimy so i said i'll give me that last bit i'll have a look it wasn't white it was transparent oh does that mean it's raw she was two fingers deep ah there was nothing we could do i turned to chris and i said it's raw we've got no time at all so then put the fish finger down because when i was discussing with chris as to what the fucking hell we're gonna do colby ate the last bit of the fish finger so i was like where's the last bit of the fish finger so obviously learn be old

we've been up most of the night because dotty has been vomiting like something out of the exorcist i thought her head was gonna start spinning on the spot You thought it was a bug, didn't you? You thought we had the old DMV. Yeah, because that's going round. That is going round. But she's not. She's got sickness and diarrhoea. So, phone...

Excuse me. Phone to school to say she's ill. She can't come in. So, Colby did his old thing. He does this thing at the moment where he's like, I can't go in. I need to look after Dottie. I might get sick. He's always trying to get out of going to school isn't he yeah so colby was

in the car so he goes he goes to chris i've got a really bad tummy dad oh yeah chris was like don't worry about a bit of fish finger as well though you're gonna be all right you're gonna be okay and he's like no dad i don't think i'm gonna be okay he farted quite loud to which he shit himself shut out his mom he i don't i think he shut out the fish finger oh no i think he shut out everybody the everybody he really wasn't very well he really wasn't very well but he's okay in himself but chris phoned me obviously to tell me because i was on the train here um and before anyone says you shouldn't share those secrets about the about the children. One day he's going to look back

and he's going to be so mad at you for sharing this. I phoned him and he went, you never guess what I've done. I shit myself, mum. I went, how are you feeling? He was like, yeah, I'm a little bit damp in the crutch, but I'm going to have a bath. And I was like, okay.

So yeah, we don't have sickness and diarrhea. We just have been eating raw fish fingers. Although I did panic, because then I was like this morning i was here talking about it and then i was like fuck what about everybody else at the party yeah did they all have it so i don't know because we haven't been to school now have we so we got four days until we break up for school do you know what dotsy's been sick this morning which is monday so she was vomiting all sunday well not all day sunday sunday we went to the party three and a half hours later she started projectile vomiting then she projectile vomited all through the night chris slept in the

bed with her because i can't i threw up cleaning up her sick and i'm not a weakie person no but it's because she's pregnant yeah yeah this the smell of the sick and the poop or that was too much so chris slept in there with her that as well i could come here um but she has been sick this morning she had a weeterbick and she vomited it all back up and more so that's now 48 hours from their last episode so if we class last episode monday that's two days she's missed her first nativity oh i keep banging this microphone so we i don't think she's going to be into school now this and this side of christmas i don't think she's because they break up on thursday as well see so yeah well does she have a role in the nativity no she was well to be fair she was actually the narrator she had free she had quite a few lines that's a big one it's a big one yeah

yeah and she was dressed as an angel meant to be an angel but we had colby's nativity so we've seen that yeah i did see that was he in it he was in the choir oh yeah because they split the years they do a year four year year three and year four and year five and year six together so it's not too many children yeah colby literally was m&m he was front row he's like yeah gangsters jingle bell welcome to bethlehem and he was like and he wasn't singing in tune bless his heart but he was like b-e-l-t-h-e-m Bethlehem god they've really jazzed it up since we were no that's just how Colby was singing all right no it's a very very jingly tune no Colby was just everyone else

was just like gangster choral and he was rapping over it yeah just didn't ad-libbing didn't give two fucks hype man and everyone's just stood there really quietly and Colby was like this really feeling it and I was sat we were sat closer than you and me are sat right now to colby was they put all the seats in and i see him in the front row and i was there i was there 45 minutes before the doors opened i was like i'm not missing this i'm not missing the front row so i got in there and i was basically i could touch him like that he was like he was just up in your face. Like, who's yourself in the music? You want it? My bow on my head.

Yeah, he was. And he literally was like, anyway, I'm out. He said, and it's really funny. Is it?

I don't know what it is at the moment. He's in a really funny, um, he's just in this really funny, like lad way. Like, I don't know how to explain it. I don't know whether it's football.

Shout out to our incredible football coach, um, Jack Pl plumber who's putting up with this shit from this little dude every week he goes in but he's made him the most confident lad in the whole entire world and i think it is going since going doing football with stuff like that because he's just so funny he just comes out with the funniest shit and he's got the driest most dry sahara desert sense of humor and he just does his stuff and i just think fucking hell that's hilarious i wouldn't even think of saying something as funny as that what a seven-year-old answer the phone goes you're right mama shit myself i was like oh okay it's everything okay yeah just a bit damp in the crutch but i'll be all right oh okay okay that's literally I feel like I'm talking to Chris that's Chris

it's very adult isn't it yeah but then we've always said that we treat the children like adults yeah well they know they're allowed to like swear around kids

yeah yeah I'm not bothered I find it fucking hilarious I guess that's your that's in relation to your Nick and Steve yeah it's fine

if they chuck out an F-bomb I'm not bothered you don't care no I find it hilarious it's when Dottie walked in the other day to all the builders and she just walked in and just went, afternoon, motherfuckers.

No. Ha, ha, ha. The poor carpenter was like, what? There goes the bow. Bow's down. He was chopping the wood and he was like, she just say what I think. Yeah, yeah. She was just.

Ha, ha. Did she flip them all off as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double middle finger. Afternoon, motherf, yeah. Did she flip them all off as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double middle finger. Afternoon, motherfuckers. And you're like. You just have to kind of sit there and go. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. How was your day, sweetheart? You want another barney bear? All right, cherub. Are you like, all right, gents, my five-year-old daughter, Dottie. To be honest, she uses it in a funny way rather than just being like will you just fucking leave yeah she's not being aggressive no no she knows it's funny she just fucking knows it's hilarious we just stood there and i looked at

chris chris looked at me and i looked at the carpenter you've got duane who's our he's our man doing everything at the moment who already knows dots who just finds a fucking hilarious yeah absolutely pissing himself in the corner the poor carpenters just stood there like is this is this real are we are we being pumped i would laugh and then it was the fact that she walked in she's like afternoon motherfuckers and they looked at her and she looked at them and she was like who are you okay they weren't here when you left this morning for school but they're here now and it's just the fact that she just looks around like looks around the room and says like, who are you?

Oh, well, you've just called them all motherfuckers. So friends, I say. Me and my family always say that when we get on a flight, we always say see you on the flip side, motherfuckers. But I literally feel like it's only just become acceptable to say it to them and I'm 35. I'm like, what will my mum and dad think if I say motherfuckers?

Even though you call them Nick and Steve all of their lives their names aren't as bad as calling them mother flippers that's one of the worst she wouldn't never she doesn't swear around my sister's family my sister's she doesn't swear around my sister

and my other family like my mum she'd never swear not the extended family literally in our house just in the separate trust our house is the baby safe safe bubble

mum and dad are safe they would never ever and if somebody is to swear like we were in the b&m yesterday me and colbs and somebody was swearing and colby was like it's really disrespectful to swear around a child yeah i love how they know that already they've got like and then they go home like right people in glass houses kids yeah they know that they know the difference yeah yeah so that's my secret this week love it yeah don't be ashamed if you shoot yourself own it because we've all been there own it like colby yeah because you don't shoot yourself every day so when you do you might as well make a make a

joke of it but anywho so that's my secret of the week. We're going to roll on to your secret of the week. We love hearing from you at the Secret Mom Club. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts.

No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit OnePeloton.ca. This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share secrets. And we've got three secrets this week. Emma, roll us in with number one. All right. This says, Hey Soph and Emma, listening to kids embarrassing you and all the period tampoon talk, I thought I'd share my embarrassing secret with you.

Coming out of the first lockdown, I decided to go shopping with my then three-year-old daughter. In typical toddler fashion, she was taking forever to get ready. Frustrated, I hurried her along, which made her cry. Apologizing to her, I said,

I'm sorry, mummy shouldn't have raised my voice. Mummy is on her period and I'm a little snappy. She replied, whoa, oh, your vulva is bleeding and put on her coat while chuckling away to herself. Fast forward to queuing in the supermarket for the till and there was a man behind not paying attention to the social distancing signs on the floor. And I could feel his breath on my neck. Remember that? I asked politely for him to step back, to which he muttered about if I don't like people,

maybe don't come out. Annoyed, I said, it's people like you that put others at risk. My three-year-old then loudly says to the man, mummy is sorry, her vulva is just bleeding. I died. The lady on the checkout laughed out loud. People around us laughed

and I needed the ground to swallow me whole. Hope this makes you smile as much as it does me years later. Ellie. Oh my goodness, Ellie. What did he say? We didn't get a response to him. He doesn't say, but I imagine that probably silenced him. Do you think he moved?

Do you think he stayed in the queue behind her? I think he probably took a step back. How annoying though. You want it to be when the time and your vulva is actually bleeding. Your vulva? Vulva. How does she know that word? I don't know took a step back. How annoying though. You want it to be when the time your vulva is actually bleeding. Your vulva. Vulva. How does she know that word?

I don't know. That's phenomenal. But also that's not actually where the blood comes from, is it? No. But to be fair. That's where your wee comes from, isn't it? Did your wee come out of your vulva? No, I don't.

Again, we need a science lesson. Put that on the list to Google, Maz. What are we um where does it come out of then out of your vagina the blood i'm so your vulva though is it where is your vulva i don't think so but to be fair she's three and she's got that word down to a t already it's in the right place anyway let's let her off yeah i'm you know i'm not questioning now i i would believe her if she told me that i would fuck i'll go now and tell everyone that I bleed from my vulva. Five over.

Yeah. She sounds convincing. Yeah. She sounds convincing. Wow. But that is hilarious. I love that she's sticking up for you. Yes.

What an absolute wing woman. Yeah. What an absolute team player. Three years old as well. Everyone needs a friend. Everyone needs a three year old to stick up for them when they're on their period. Dotsie doesn't though. Sometimes she throws me under the bus.

Yeah. I bet she does. All the time. I can imagine that. Yeah, all the time. She's just like, you're being a real pain mum. Thanks, Dot.

Appreciate you. Cheers. Yeah. Thanks, darling. Oh, well, thank you, Ellie. That's really sweet. I love that. Anywho.

Anywho. Ready for secret number two? Yes, please. Or a poo. This comes from Hannah in Tennessee. Is there another Tennessee? is there any one oh i think i think just one in america it's just one in america okay but correct me if i'm wrong it

says hey friends when my son was an infant he went through a stage where he would only fall asleep on my husband's chest oh we had all fallen asleep on the couch when in the middle of the night i got woken up by the loudest thump we both jumped up to realize our son had rolled right off my husband's chest and onto the ground weirdly he was still asleep my husband just picked him up and woken up by the loudest thump. We both jumped up to realize our son had rolled right off my husband's chest and onto the ground. Weirdly, he was still asleep. My husband just picked him up and put him right back onto his chest. I was ready to go to the ER to ensure he was okay, but my husband checked him out and he slept right through it all. I felt so guilty that it happened, but so relieved that he was okay. Thank you again for making my days better. Parenting is hard and

we need each other. Thanks, Hannah. That's happened to us a lot. Has it? Has it never happened to you? But, no, I'd have to wake him up to make sure he's okay. Well, this reminded me, actually. I'd shit myself. I'd never sleep.

I know. We thought... How far off was he on? Well, and how... Might have fallen onto the couch. I wonder how little he was. It doesn't say how old he was. It doesn't say how tiny he was.

But if he's falling asleep on the husband's chest he's probably quite small little yeah it's happened to us quite a few times has it yeah he's fallen off

he's rolled off the bed a few times I feel like it's more common if you're a booby mum because you fall well you're not supposed to fall asleep no I know you're not

sometimes that does happen but we have to take precautions as to not to fall to sleep no mine wasn't when I was breastfeeding it was when he started rolling

and like you would just put them down on the bed because one day they wouldn't be able to roll didn't he roll off the table once he nearly fell off the table out of his bouncer chair yeah no that was traumatic but when they you don't think they can roll so you put them on the bed you rush out to get a nappy or something next thing you know they're on the floor you're like okay you can roll now thanks for letting me know Colby rolled off the bed many a times yeah and I was like fuck someone stole the baby then you run over the side of the bed

and you're like are you alright you normally just hear a bump and you're like oh shit I mean luckily my mind didn't because I'm in my bungalow so I used to put him on the bed

and be pottering around and go in I generally thought the window would be open because it was summer because he was only little and it's stolen I thought someone

had climbed in the window and nicked the baby oh no there he is it was probably winter time really but laying on the floor he just plopped on the floor it happened to stefan the other day he had to bring um joseph into his bed at night because he wasn't sleeping and in his into his bed which is big boy bed which if you've a long time listener will know

is not my bed um and he fell out as much as stefan wants you in his bed no he can just have the baby uh he fell onto the floor in the middle of the night in his sleep because they're so mobile now. They're not contained by a cot. No. And I was away for the weekend and when I got back, Stefan was like, I've got something to tell you. Because he had a little mark on his head.

Do you know what? There is a point though where it goes from when children fall over it being funny to a point when it's actually dangerous. It's actually the most scariest thing. I know. Because when they're little, they kind of bounce, yeah don't they but then they get to an age where they actually can hurt themselves it's not that it's when colby runs with his hands in his pocket and he runs and i think god that's going to be your face and that tarmac you've got to put your

hands out you've got to put your hands out because if you trip and fall and then he did it a couple of weeks ago where we were just running in the rain and he tripped but he had his hands in his pocket and i was just i just freeze and close my eyes i'm like is he okay i did that when i was younger smash my tooth in and that the thought of it now makes me cringe he popped his chin open didn't he when he was on that baby gate i feel a couple of years back people have i've got that have you scar on the bottom no but he was on the baby gate swinging back and forth and when he swung forward because the baby gap was so small he got his arms stuck him and the concrete became the best of friends mine was just falling on a curb but i think some

of some of the injuries i had just i think now god if that happened to your stomach i would yeah i don't know my parents dealt with it it makes my skin crawl i walked for a glass door shredded myself like a piece of paper and my dad was just like it's not it's a lifetime of worry isn't it yes yeah i'm so stressed out how do we do it it's gone from being quite a funny experience when they fall over to actually it's when they fall over in their snowsuits yeah they can't move that's why they're like that's what happened to joseph at the father christmas experience he was in that padded suit literally just couldn't or when you lie him on the floor to put them in their suit and they just lie they're like yeah they can't

move they can't bend you should just pick them up yeah just carry them yeah pick them up by the zip yeah and just carry them and then put it back down can't do anything the fuck they literally lie they're like yeah the star in um spongebob squarepants yeah you know all the star in the tank in finally nemo when they're when they're newborn you put them in their first pram suit to like come out of hospital oh my god i just don't know why we do it they can't move no they can't move because everything's too big for them and they're so little anyway and all scooped up and you try and put them in a baby grow as well and then they go like a little cocoon don't they and their legs are just empty and they look limbless yeah yeah

so cute but thank you so much for that. Sorry, Hannah, we went off on a tangent. Yeah, thanks, Hannah. All right, this is the last secret. It's from Louise. Oh, hello, Louise. It says, hello, ladies. You never fail to cheer up a stressed mum of three,

including twins, driving to work on a Monday morning. I could probably send you about 12 secrets, but I decided this one is definitely the best. Yeah, send them all. Send them all. I divorced my husband when my daughter was 18 months old but i started dating a guy a few months after we had been dating for about three months when i introduced him to her he had never been around young children so i was a little nervous after going on outings and him coming for tea for a

few more months we decided it was time he stayed over for the first time i was bathing my daughter and he helped lay out pajamas etc while i was drying her he did this thing to make her laugh where he made his belly button talk and my daughter giggled along then out of nowhere she sat up oh oh fuck oh god please don't tell me she fingered his belly button took a hold of each fanny flap that's not where you thought that was gonna go is it Fanny flap. That's not where you thought that was going to go, is it? Please don't tell me she was talking with it. I made her foo-foo talk back to him.

How does she know my party trick? Fuck! Oh, my God. Can you imagine his face like, what the fuck? Never been around small children. Like, my mother liked... What an introduction to the family.

My boyfriend and I were in complete shock. I don't know whether he was going to laugh or run a mile. I was mortified, but I'm glad to say it didn't scare him away as we are married with six-year-old twins now.

Oh my god. Are they boys or girls and I hope they all talk with their fannies. Oh god. I still tell this story nearly ten years on and my eleven-year-old now finds it so embarrassing she did that to mummy's boyfriend. Oh my god. Fucked! I'm going to go home tonight hello hello chris wow

oh my god oh my god i just want to know his face was like can you imagine i think even chris would shit himself now if dogs he'd be like get off of that yeah what are you doing you want to get one of them don't break it careful yeah it's precious that is wow it's just the fact that she got oh my god so she was like 18 she's probably about joseph's age now how fucking hilarious i just can't imagine now doing it with my big swollen fanny now. Then it'd be good. Be fucking like an octopus. I'll fuck you.

God. Oh, wow. Well, fair play to him for sticking around. I'm going to put it out there. It's probably hands down one of my favourites. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Bump Club. If you want to share your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the... Secret Mum Club.

If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you ever make your foo-foo talk? Or have you been smacked around the head with a dildo? There is really nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up.