Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Tooth Yanker

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

The ladies are back! It’s the first session of 2024, and there is plenty to catch up on. After jet-setting to the exotic lands of Paris and West Wales, both Sophiena and Emma have many tales from their travels. Plus there are your secrets about an unfortunate trip to IKEA, keeping caffeinated, and a lesson on how to pass the blame for your bum trumpets. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hello and welcome back to the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for moms everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club i'm already sweating i'm i was just about to say i needed some do for the beer you've literally walked straight in here sat down and we and we're on. And away we go. We're live.

It's been a bit of a crazy morning. It's been a bit of a rush, hasn't it? Yeah, it's been a little bit crazy, trying to get back into the swing of life. And it's snowing. It is snowing. It's snowing in London today. For context, it's the 8th of January, 2024. And we can officially say we're having our baby this year.

Our joint baby. Our joint babies. Me and you. We have to say it together. They're like twinnies. Yeah. Twin babies. Tell me about your Christmas and New Year.

Wow, it was a wild one. That's like a long time ago now, isn't it? I feel like I haven't seen you at all or spoken to you this year. We haven't. It's only been eight days. We had a lush Christmas. Did you it was quite quiet we just did like the normal the normal family shenanigans extended family we went over to my mum's yes in the afternoon where my sister was there her husband and the children yeah my brother wasn't there this year he had the first year where he was out with his wife

and her family because i think i said she didn't know just before we break up they do christmas because they don't have children they tend to see all the families in one day yeah so they don't really get to ever enjoy the day yeah so they spent time with his wife's family this year so the next year we get them both at ours yeah but no it was it was it was really nice how was your mum's hot plates did she like them did she get on well with them she used yeah her hot tray yeah and she put it on the table and everything stayed warm nothing lasted with me this year no i took everything to be fair though i was actually really pissed off at myself because i've got so i don't know whether you know you've probably seen it but

i got told that i got an enlarged liver over christmas i hadn't seen that hadn't you seen that no what very emotional about the whole so i've got i had cholestasis with dotty and i've got it again with this baby which is like the itchy blood disorder it makes your skin itch yeah and it's a problem with your liver i haven't heard about that yeah yeah so i was in having my check done and the midwife was like gosh your bump is big let down it was measuring normal yeah but she was just a little bit concerned she was like oh you've put a little bit of weight on more than what we because obviously you have your weight checked doesn't don't you she wasn't being rude yeah she was just like we have to just check your diabetes which i had with colby and again the sign of my diabetes was how quickly i gained weight did you have it gestational

diabetes with colby yeah not with dots right no i was a roly-poly with dotty fucking how i was massive how i didn't have it it's beyond me but this time around i'm aware that i've got a lot of water retention and bless her heart she was trying to tell me in the best way possible and then she was feeling around she was like, your liver is on the large side. Wow, really? And that's making your bump seem bigger. So yeah, so like at the top, my liver's all inflamed, which is not only pushing down on him,

also my placenta's at the back. So he's full frontal. Right. And it's just a whole lot of uncomfortable. The only way I get any comfort is just to physically lie on my back. Yeah. And then I feel like he's trying to come out my belly button can you lie can you lie on your back i can't do it i feel like i'm being what as in we're not allowed to not we're not supposed to

you're supposed to lay on your side i thought you weren't allowed to sleep on your back sleeping sorry sleeping yeah only for like for relief because even when i lay down i feel like i'm being crushed beneath the weight do you the baby did you find out where yours is front back side up down round front uh yeah and what did you know my placenta's behind so baby's front yeah that's why i'm feeling a lot of movement yeah yeah we both felt it i like that though do what was joseph anterior anterior so movement later on but i still had a lot again i think because he was a massive baby though he was like there was no getting away from the fact that there was be like an elbow or a knee poking out your video showed loads of movement did you see the little one that i loaded where

on your belly button email don't touch the butt and he flicked my belly the amount of people god bless them that messaged me and was like how did you get it so perfectly timed with the sound yeah and also like how did you get it at all because with the sound? Yeah. And also, like, how did you get it at all? Because when I'll be, this is like so annoying, I'll be laying there and there'll be loads of movement. As soon as I turn my camera on, obviously it stops. It's like when I say to Stefan, come feel this, the baby's moving loads. It stops.

Mine literally, Chris will just look at my belly and it's like, whoa. Honestly, it's like he's having a bloody Olympics in my in my in my stomach he moves so much he's such such a wiggle it's amazing that you can catch it on camera but i just yeah i maybe have filmed like an hour worth of footage and just took that tiny clip that's my problem i haven't got the patience i'll do 10 seconds and be like forget it you're not gonna move and then as soon as you turn the camera off put your duvet and it's the light isn't it so what people forget is you'll be under the duvet they'll be moving around yeah you pull your duvet. And it's the light, isn't it? So what people forget is you'll be under the duvet.

They'll be moving around. Yeah. You pull your duvet down, pull your pajama top up. They're... I just flicked. I just flicked my mic. Then they're exposed to light, aren't they? Well, I've read that if you shine your flashlight,

your phone flashlight on them, they can like move because they'll look away from the light. At a certain gestation, they can see the light through the skin. I've tried that as well and it's not playing ball. Mine's probably music. I think I've just got stubborn. He loves music. Stubborn baby.

Oh, really? Yeah. Really loves music. Nice. So yeah, that is, that's where I'm at. So I had, I had a little bit of discomfort on Christmas day in the fact that I had a large liver. The baby in there growing.

Did it mean you couldn't eat as much? I can't. I couldn't eat as much i can't i physically cannot eat as much and i want to get all the food in but the problem is is i'm so hungry but i'm also so full yeah and i'm in agony to the point where i'm literally like oh god have you seen the pictures of like a baby it's like diagrams of like your intestines and everything before you're pregnant and then one of like the baby in. Yeah, when they move all around. Oh my God.

No wonder you feel so uncomfortable. Your stomach and your intestines are all like squashed up inside you. I know. And then no wonder you're constipated. Your large intestine is basically up around your tits. Exactly. It's mental. Exactly.

My large intestine's up. This ain't no milk and air. This is just pure large intestine. Just all my bowels moving up here. It's mad, isn't it? What did you do on New Year? I was in Paris. In where?

I was in Paris. Oh, yeah. I forgot you went to Paris. We took a trip to Paris. Amazing. And we went on a... Well, funny thing was is we booked it all obviously to go away because we were like oh end of year let's just do something so you booked it wasn't a surprise no well it's technically a surprise to myself because i actually booked it

like fucking hell i can actually book this surprise i can do this you got enough money in your bank you can book it so i booked it and it we went obviously turned up the lady was like oh just so you know there's a street party in paris in paris yeah in disneyland no because we went to paris first and we were in paris on we were meant to be there the day before new year's eve but there was euro tunnel yeah yeah what did you do it was tragic well we just traveled a day later all right so we yeah so we went out and then we got there on new year's eve and the lady was like oh the street party starts at six we were like okay yeah cool brilliant

i've never seen anything like it in my life. Was it amazing? There was millions and millions of people. Hang on. So is this a thing that Paris always does on New Year's Eve? I don't know. Why would you know? Why would I know? If you weren't there. I don't know.

It's not something I check up on every year. I just thought it'd be nice to be in Paris for kick the year off with a bang. Yeah. Quite literally. Yeah. Fireworks. Woo!

So we had a whale of a time. Oh, amazing. Yeah. So we were right by the Arc de Triomphe. Lovely. That big scary fucking roundabout. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. At least you won't drive him. No. And I didn't realise, we were asking the taxi man. We kept asking every time we got in the taxi

and then we had a really lovely taxi man that had been, he'd lived, born in Paris but then lived in the UK and now he's back in Paris and he was so kind but he was basically explaining the roads to us,

not to me, to Chris, because that's the enjoyment that Chris got out of the whole experience. That's what men do. But when you're on the roundabout, the Art de Triomphe roundabout, you have to give way to the people coming on. So our roundabout, you have to give way to the ones that are already on the roundabout.

But the Art de Triomphe roundabout, you actually have to give way to the people coming on right so once you're on you're you're not the priority oh no the people joining the people stop on the roundabout just stop and they just drive and they just cut each other up and they literally you know i said to the guy and i was like gosh if you were in london there's people just mounting the curb to go around you to overtake you and they were like aren't with a cigarette in their mouth or cigarette in the hand they're like have a wonderful day wonderful day i said if you're in london you'd be like straight verbally abused for that yeah someone be coming to your house they'll be following you home can

you imagine the road rage in London? Anywhere in the UK, to be honest. But yeah, they just, they honk their horn. Salute! Au revoir! Have a great day. And I'm like, how is everyone so fucking happy? I was living, honestly.

I was like, this is a joy. I thought Parisians were known for being rude. No, no. I didn't come across any rude ones. I was having the time of my life. What did Colby and Dottie think? Because it was a surprise for them, wasn't it? They didn't know nothing. Until you got there? Until we got, no, I didn't come across any rude ones. I was having the time of my life. What did Colby and Dottie think? Because it was a surprise for them, wasn't it? They didn't know nothing. Until you got there?

Until we got, well, they knew that we were going to Paris, but they didn't know that we were going on to Disney. So we got to Disneyland on New Year's Day. So we travelled on New Year's Day over to Disney. And it was a funny, it was a funny one. Like I was expecting them to be like looking around and looking at all the hotels and stuff. And neither them had a clue so i was like oh look at the hotels and colby was like yeah great great yeah the santa fe hotel and then we went past the another

disney hotel and we went into the hotel and as we got out chris was like it's a surprise the children don't know so the man was like oh no no no no you're fine you're fine so we got out the taxi took our suitcases and went in and colby was like how funny there's a marvel convention at this train station i was like yeah yeah so strange so strange and like we left it a couple of minutes just to see if it would sink in and i said to them like we i've got something to tell you we're in disneyland and colby was like no we're not and i was like yeah we are and he's like no we're not and i was like yeah we are he was like no we're not we're i've got something to tell you we're in disneyland and colby was like no we're not and i was like yeah we are and he's like no we're not and i was like yeah we are he was like no we're not we're clearly at a marvel convention at the train station i was like no we're at the marvel hotel in disney disneyland paris once a penny dropped but dots was like an emotional wreck

she was instantly and instantly in tears they couldn't they couldn't believe it that's amazing that you managed to get them there before the big reveal was mental i don't know how my heart i wouldn't do it again no in the sense of i would do the surprise again not pregnant my emotions were fucked not only were we a day late to paris we'd been in and out of st pancras because we'd had no communication with Eurostar the Eurostar were unfortunately horrendous it was really bad and there was families crying everywhere because everyone was trying to get to Paris and it was New Year's you know the day before New Year's it was oh my god that's been chaos oh god it was absolute carnage I just kept crying because I was like because in February I had a branded trip to disneyland paris and the eurostar had loads of issues and we couldn't end up going so we'd had to tell the children there and then

in the eurostar train station in february we weren't going so the fact that we got i literally got our bags in london because we stayed the night before got our bags from here went to the went to leave the hotel at like 5 30 in the morning and chris opened the hotel door in london and i got a text message i literally screenshotted it and sent it to maddie because i couldn't get the words out of my mouth and i literally texted like this is happening again god and i said chris was like what's wrong and i was like you you you're gonna have to read it i can't read it and it just said train cancelled and i was like you are heartbreaking so then as soon as it happened i said to the babies we've got to leave our cases

here because they're telling us not to go to simpancras because there's no trains today then the children started crying and my heart just broke and colby the first thing colby said was we're not doing this again are we we're not going again are we and i was like oh fuck so we went over to the train station and it just wasn't feasible it was kind of like we either stay in london for another night and try again in the morning or we go home we made it the next day we made it the next day god i know so it was a very it was it was an emotional roller coaster remind me not to book a trip to paris at the same time as you just it's me i am i am the issue i'm the problem it's me i am the problem but to do it pregnant as well

my stress don't tell my heart my breaking heart i can't fucking now and then i had to deal with like once we got there and like the seeing the baby's reaction to like the eiffel tower or the art triomphe or the louvre and colby's reaction to like the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe or the Louvre and Colby's reaction to the football stadium like it was so insanely overwhelming I was just fucking crying the whole time I was like Chris is like do you want a picture with the children there's just pictures of Chris Dottie Colby all the three of them together you weren't there i said if i die no one will ever know i existed i said i gotta start creating my own footage ready for my funeral

best bit just take a picture with the iphone now i saw a reel where you looked looked all right you look pretty happy yeah once i got to disneyland and then well the tears didn't really die down in disney no but you were happy oh happy tears of course they were happy tears yeah but i kept because i looked because of my liver it's making me look really yellowy it's like it's a bit jaundicey yeah making me a little bit jaundicey so i took like my um spray tan like my b-bold spray tan so i was like oh i just you know brighten myself up a bit so i look more human i just had fucking tear lines you know when you fake tan when you're younger and you take a wee on the side of the street

and you just let it all just run down your leg that was my face the whole time the whole time wow what a look honestly sexual i was it was great for me but that is wow that's like the last three weeks in a nutshell quite the christmas quite great for you but yours your break it was lovely yeah yeah it was a lot of schlepping around because of the Essex Wales thing so we did Christmas day at my parents in Essex and then we came back up to London stopped over for a couple of days for Stefan to work then we went to West Wales to see his parents then we came back to Cardiff to do New Year at his sister's and then yeah because it was such a quick return we literally did New Year's night travel back New Year's Day that all felt like such a rush and then yeah because it was such a quick return we literally did new year's night travel back new year's day that all felt like such a rush and then yeah joseph back to nursery

on the second i was back to work on the third and then it was like straight back into it do you feel like you've had a break yeah i do i would say like christmas with a baby is so different because traveling and all that with a baby with a toddler is just harder like i don't know whether you saw but i posted a video on instagram of us trying to get joseph to sleep in the car on the way to wales we're always like oh leave late because then obviously he'll just sleep in the car so we get him in his pajamas and everything has a bottle of milk get him in the car normally full straight sleep now that he's older he's like overstimulated overstimulated he's too interested in stuff he was just honestly on one in the car did he cry no no just not sad just

not asleep yeah which is what we want god love him so like two and a half hours of him in the car doing an eieio with me sitting in the back it's just you know i just love how aggressive is eieio is yeah he's very aggressive with it very aggressive with it and we do cow over and over and over i'm like we've already had cow should do a different one no cow i emma sent a video into the um mum pod whatsapp chat just before the christmas break yeah and the only thing i could hear instead of chicken was joseph calling me a dickhead and every time i literally feel like i want it as a ringtone dickhead i haven't i haven't heard that obviously when he says it now every time he says it do you feel like he's saying dickhead?

Well, you've ruined it for me. Because I thought he was just saying chicken. Chicken. Because he's obviously saying dickhead, isn't he? He's saying dickhead. Chicken. Yeah, but now that you've said it, it sounds like dickhead.

It's all I can hear. I just, honestly, it made my whole life. So when he plays with his farm animals, he'll be like, duck, cow, horse, sheep, dickhead, pig. Thanks for that. Honestly, I was like, no one else,

everyone was like, oh, this video is so cute. Bless her, wasn't it? No one else picked on the fact that he's calling us a dickhead. Hey, dickhead, give me the fucking toy. That's basically what I gauged from that.

Like, stop now, just give me the fucking toy, dickhead. The team at kindly got joseph a tractor with all the farm animals here which plays eieio so um yes thank you for the gift and emma filmed him is his reaction to receiving the toy it was really sweet and she was showing it and he had just had some funny way of saying chicken that fucking song is all i hear so is that it was a lot of traveling a lot of like new year god i just don't think i can be arsed with it anymore i don't normally bother i could barely stay up until midnight you know i kind of was ready to go to bed at about nine o'clock it's very sad isn't it no is that normal yeah yeah i mean absolutely this

year when i've got a small baby i will will not be staying up until midnight. Well, no, not unless you're on a night feed, but then are you going to be night feeding that eight months old? Probably not. How old will our babies be? Eight months. Eight months. Will they? April, May, June, August, September, October, November.

December. Nine, yours will be eight. Nine. Yeah, maybe then. Don't know. But no, it was really nice. Just very, very very chilled lots of food i didn't miss not drinking did you no i had some really good um alcohol free um what's the word

alternatives prosecco's yeah yeah prosecco's um gins and gin yeah there's some really good ones now aren't there you can get zero percent captain morgan's can you which is the same price as alcohol which i don't really understand i i saw some zero gins on the tin on the offer aisle so i took them and i was like oh bottle of captain morgan's 12 pound with my club card i'll take that got to the tail the lady was like oh gosh no they did zero percent captain morgan's i don't fucking want it if it's zero percent she was like aren't you pregnant well yes yes it's not for me it's not it's for my partner but he'll be fuming if i come home with a zero percent who were like uh you're on um you're on dry december i'm not how smug do

you feel as well when everyone else is hanging and you're like i great. I didn't drink anything yesterday. I feel absolutely alive. But no, it was good. Couldn't fit as much food in as normal like you. So fucking annoying. I just wanted like all the pigs in blankets, but I couldn't, I just can't do it anymore. Mine was the roast potatoes. Yeah.

You've got to go little and often. That's the thing with a roast dinner. It's so much food all in one go, isn't it? You just got to pace yourself. I need to just graze like a pony. Space it out. Yeah, be a dickhead. Emma and I really want to hear from you.

Yes, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or email us, hello at secretmumpod.com. Correspondence Corner.

That was beautiful. Thank you. Welcome back to the first Correspondence Corner. Welcome back. 2024. 2024, we're back with the Correspondence Corner. And this one says, you two talking about calling family members by their names made me laugh.

I've had a lot of um comments about this yeah what was the what were people saying people on your side yeah like mental why don't you call your mom and dad what's wrong with you nick and rich nick and rich nick and rich that's my mom and my father-in-law i should hope not what's dad steve steve yeah steve jones what's so funny about that it's a very common name oh god that went on my nose he got you didn't it sorry steve did you expect you have a different surname surname to me i don't call him steve anymore just call him steve jones yeah i mean i'm at no risk of identifying him because it's probably the most common name after Dave Smith.

I'm so sorry. So sorry. Joe Bloggs. All right. I've always called my parents mum and dad unless I'm trying to get my mum's attention in public and then I'll use her first name. That's why we started doing it, you know,

because my mum started zoning out, mum. So we had to start calling her Nicola and then she listened. I work as an early childhood educator and I'm very lucky that i get to bring my daughter to work with me and watch her play oh she recently moved over into my room this fall and has always called me mum at work until one day i heard her call me teacher mel i was so thrown off i didn't even know how to respond she still mostly calls me mum but on occasion will call me mel love the podcast lots of love melanie from canada oh thank you melanie that's so i wonder how old her daughter is because you know joseph started calling me emma as well i'm waiting for him to call you emma jones i wanted to just be bust out steve jones emma jones steve nick uh Emma Jones. Emma Jones. Steve. Nick. No, yeah.

I think when they're like a toddler, they suddenly realise that you've got a name. Does he call him Steve? As well as mummy. No, he calls him Grandad. But they do call, all of the grandchildren call Stefan's dad Rich. Which is, again, weird. I don't know where it came from.

I really, really want Joseph to just call your dad Steve. Steve Jones. He will. weird i don't know where it came from i really really want joseph to just call your dad steve he'll he will he'll know it soon he's very very smart but yeah i think age where they realize that you've got another name as well you're not just mommy and daddy oh bless my two they're fucked with my name aren't they do they ever say safina now they do but never would have ever said it or chris i'm auntie fina to the babies as well i've always been fina yeah um but my dad's called chris so they call they that's weird that you married someone with your dad's name and they do the same job they're both electricians says a lot daddy issues uh daddy um but no they um chris i think that was easy it's when they say they full name chris so they'll give him his first neck his middle name as well oh really

when he's in trouble that's funny that yeah yeah when do you think they realized that you had names that weren't just mommy and daddy um i don't know because as a family we like i call my sister auntie to the children so i'd be like oh go and ask auntie auntie or help maybe they don't hear that i never ever say my sister's name yeah never the children's names we say but i don't ever say i don't ever say that their names their real names yeah i think that yeah that's the thing isn't it's when they start hearing it yeah they start hearing other people call you because Because not even Chris calls me Safina. He'll say, Mummy.

Mummy, yeah. Mummy or Daddy. Hey. Hey. Oh. Oh, I love that though. That's very cute. That's cute. I'm glad people agree with me

that I wasn't losing my mind. Yeah. But I'm glad that other people's kids are doing it as well and I'm not. Did anybody agree with you that you knew that call their parents by their full name?

No, I don't know anyone else that does it apart from the apart from stefan's dad with the grandchildren that's the only other one i know yeah i know so funny but i did i spoke to my family about it over christmas and i was like do you know why we started doing that and they were like yeah it's because mom wasn't listening to us and yeah so we were like tell you what call her nicola yeah oh nick jones smart all right we've got another email here it says i started listening to your podcast a couple of weeks ago and it's the only thing i've been listening to because it's bloody brilliant oh stop it oh thank you anyway i'm currently listening to the big bump crew and just thought i'd share a little story i used to work at a nursery and one of the children

kept telling us about how mummy has a baby in her tummy and he became more and more interested in playing with the babies instead of the toys he'd usually opt for. Neither myself nor any of the other staff members said anything to mum or dad as they had been through a really tricky and upsetting time with a previous pregnancy. A couple of weeks later they informed us of the amazing news that they were pregnant. I then decided that it was now okay to share with them how their son had been telling us all about mummy's baby and how he had grown an interest in playing with the dolls, to which dad responded,

we only told him this morning. What? We were all so shocked. And none of us knew how he had known for weeks before he was told. I've literally got chills. That is scary as fuck. That's mad. That's a child's intuition though isn't it he knew before but then that's happened before there's a lady on tiktok and her little boy kept rubbing her belly and saying there's a baby in here and she'd be like stop saying that and then literally done a pregnancy test and come back positive and she was like well maybe he's right

that would freak me out so much that would scare me we've got the opposite problem i've got a huge bump now and joseph's like no what baby joseph's just not coming to terms he won't acknowledge it this says so yes although joseph is only two and still very little they pick up on a lot more stuff than you may think from anonymous oh yeah because i think i'm saying that my nursery were like oh he talks about baby all the time he knows he's going to be a big brother blah blah blah and I thought you talk about a different child

because at home you won't even acknowledge that I'm pregnant it's weird so funny how did he feel about seeing your sister because your sister's

bumping out now isn't she yeah not as much as me is she not I don't think he understands especially that she's pregnant as well

doesn't he no that'd be probably too much for him to take in he must be like god these women with their big bellies i know but i don't know if the kids notice stuff like that and again there she goes nearly wet myself on that one um but what he does say now is obviously we're teaching him welsh and english at the same time and so he does say baller mal which means big tummy and he says it about me so he does see that i'm getting fat i'm just gonna ring him up and just be like just call him mike rosales hey mike but i don't know still whether he he does know that it's a baby but like he's not wanting

to acknowledge it too much to us because i think he's being like stubborn do you know what i mean he's like i know you're pregnant but i'm not going to celebrate it too much because i'm annoyed yeah you're pissing me off yeah shut up pissing me off stop going on about it sometimes when i lift my jumper to show him he literally pulls my jumper down he goes no i'm glad i'm so glad he's coming to town that's how i feel when i look at myself in the mirror i look and i go no should i love it oh not today you go no put it away put it. Are you prepared for this big belly? No. I'm not prepared.

Not today. Not today. Thank you. All right. I've got a final email here. It says, hi, ladies. I was just listening to the... Oh, God.

These episode names, really. I forget about them. What episode name was it? I was listening to the Talking Foo Foo episode. And the stories of getting your foo foos waxed made me think of something the lady who does my laser hair removal told me. She said she went to get a full Brazilian wax one day and when they were doing the back bit, she had to be head down, bum up and was holding her cheek open with her left hand.

The lady who was doing her wax said to her, Oh! Oh, fuck. Said to her, oh, I like your your ring it's so nice oh on her hand not her bumhole thinking oh god thinking she was talking about her bumhole she was traumatized and said oh thank you um i haven't really seen it before the wax lady confused clarified i mean your engagement ring couldn't be more embarrassing zoe oh my god this is like my friend with the

with the muffin labor the waxing do you think i need to bleach it yeah nice ring oh thank you i haven't really paid much paid much notice before i've never really seen my engagement ring before. What? Can you imagine the woman that actually paid her the compliment? It's been like, what are you talking about? I'm not talking about your bum hole. Nice ring.

Although imagine if you're a waxer. There are nice ones and horrible ones because you probably see a lot. I don't think there's much diversity in a bumhole. In bumholes? Yeah. Of course there is. We don't get like deep in whole bumholes. It's like penis and vaginas.

There's lots of variety. No, bumholes are just tight, aren't they? Like a balloon end. I haven't seen many, but I'd imagine they vary from person to person. How can they? They're just a closed bumhole. You don't have like an open bum hole do you what about belly buttons like they all serve the same purpose

but everyone's is different but that's not a hole that's not like a gaping hole like you can't just have your anus like you can have your fufu out can't you or in closed doors or open doors foots on willies are long thin fat well um, I just didn't think there was any diversity in a bumhole, to be honest. Did they? Just thought they all looked like a balloon. Well, wax it. Maybe we'll Google. Wax it.

Let us know. No, let's not Google it. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yes, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that and if your bum hole's different last night holler at a sister each week we'll be sharing our secrets secrets and yours in the secret mum club my secret this week my daughter it's always dotty isn't it yeah like colby's the i was gonna say the boring one i didn't mean it like that he's

the one with the less drama yeah dots is pulling her teeth out what not literally no i was gonna say not literally no literally she's pulling them out we had a little bit of a saga in Paris, right? Right. So she is five, six. Fuck, she's six this year. Yeah. And she has had some wobbly teeth for it. That's quite early, isn't it?

I think five. I do think it's early. Colby lost his at six. Six, I think it was. So she was complaining that she wasn't really eating. She wasn't really eating over the Christmas period, eating very much. Apart from those snails.

Apart from the snails in Paris. Once that tooth was out, she went ham on those, didn't she? For eyes. But I noticed in her mouth when we got into Paris, she's got the two little teeth behind. Right, yeah. Behind the milky teeth. That adult teeth are coming through already.

Yeah, they've already popped through. So we, in Paris, she had a wobbly one. And so Chris was like, if it's annoying you and you can't eat. She was getting really distressed and upset. Yeah. And Chris said, let's just pull it out. Just out of nowhere, she literally just put her hand in her mouth and yanked her tooth out.

Oh my God. So I was like, okay, little bit weird. Did it bleed? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah there was blood and she was just like oh it's it's out and i didn't really know what to do and i was like okay this is a really really surreal surreal experience so i put it into a glass obviously take it home to add to your other um memorabilia of children's body parts the tooth fairy takes them away yeah body parts yeah with my umbilical cord the teeth, the hair and the umbilical cord. Yeah, my whole children's DNA.

If you rob my house, fuck me. It's still there. I did that. Put the tooth in the glass. Put the glass on the side in our bedroom. Housekeeping. We went out for the day. Housekeeping was like, do you need?

I said, no, don't worry about coming in. We don't need anything today. And she was like, oh, you don't need any towels? I was like oh you don't need any towels i was like no no we're good for towels honestly we're we're great and she was like oh fresh water yeah bring us in some water she was really adamant that she wanted to to do something so i said yeah bring us some fresh water she took the tooth she took the glass with the tooth oh oh god it was so sad how did you do what did the tooth fairy do about so i went for a poo and while i was in having a poo i quickly snuck the five pounds under my pillow because the tooth was next to my bed yeah um and in the distress of

dotty's searching everywhere high and low for her tooth and i was like why don't you just check the pillows maybe she's already been or maybe it's somebody different in france we don't know who collects the teeth yeah that's a good point googled it's it's a little mouse he comes to collect the teeth ernest please don't quote me or if i've just fucking made it up um ernest tooth mouse ernest came and took the tooth and left her five sterling pounds under the pillow she's like i can't spend it here that's your thanks a lot mouse guess you cried because i don't have her first tooth but don't worry because we got home just stood in the mirror out of nowhere dots just got out the bath this was literally like was this yesterday or was this

yeah this was yesterday she just got out the bath she's like i've got another wobbly tooth and it's driving me mad i was like oh don't worry about it it'll come out soon literally it was like slow motion she just put her hand in her mouth and was just like no i plucked another one out oh my god it was like something out of a fucking horror film and i was like stop pulling your teeth out you know them dreams you have in their moments when you're pulling your own teeth out because that means something in a dream it does mean something and i just didn't know what to do it was like slow motion stop pulling your teeth out stood there with her tooth and she was like yes and then all she's done now all last night all the pain all she done last night now she's like wobbling all her teeth and i said what, what are you doing? She was like, I need another fiver. I need another fiver.

I need another hit. I said, she hadn't even been for this one. Bloody hell. She goes, oh, maybe I'll get £10 this time. I said, the price isn't going up. Fuck me. They're not becoming more valuable. If anything, they're becoming less valuable.

Valuable, yeah. The price decreases. Yeah, it goes down. Yes. Maybe I should tell her that tonight. And then she'll stop like, I feel like she's just like this if now she's waiting for them to come out you're gonna have no teeth left i know savage it's gonna be expensive for you if she loses a lot in one go oh yeah if she only dentures then it really will be fucking take out alone i don't need a bloody

dent plan at this but the funny thing was is if colby used to have a wobbly tooth chris used to say come here and i'll pull it out for you and he's no no leave it it'll come out on its own and he he just wouldn't let you touch it get really really distressed dot she's a sucker for the pain she loves it she loves it so yeah once the tooth was out in france we were she was eating snails like no man's business the floodgates were open that's it now she's got two out can't believe she loves now she'll be like a free woman can you imagine it's this now

and she's like this the tongue tongue through or she does the and pokes it through the tongue through the gap and I keep saying to her smile she keeps going

oh no they go through a really unfortunate phase where like it's these two they have all their lovely tiny straight milk teeth which are really nice and then they have that bit

where they're gappy and then the big teeth move in the big the the struggle for me was the the two front tops yeah that bit is a it's a it's a hard thing to i know it's a really hard thing to get your head around but then also now colby's big teeth are so big and i just think oh he's little petite face and he's got these big teeth it takes them a while to grow into their teeth doesn't it because it's like they've got these adult teeth but still these baby features they only just grow into their face and then fuck it take their teeth out as well now you're just like whoa i know what happened now do you know what i'm really relieved that they lose their milk teeth though because joseph is shit at cleaning his teeth and i think

well do you know what if you don't do it at least these ones are going yeah but then what if he doesn't do it with a second but it'd be old enough for me to say then you need to clean your teeth at the moment I have to wrestle him in the bath like a slippery fish come on dickhead come on dickhead clean your teeth so yeah that's that's my secret this week my daughter is a savage she yanks her teeth out she just doesn't give a fuck she doesn't she does not give a shit wow she is she is she was angry in the park of people like pushing me she's she's a bodyguard that one i would say at the moment she's in she's in savage i bet she looks even scarier with no teeth as well yeah anyone gets anywhere near me

she's like can you move away from my mum please she's pregnant can you help my mum she's pregnant i'm like dot please crumbs and if you don't I'll pull your fucking teeth out. Not your fucking teeth. I'm a pro now. So yeah, that's my secret. So next, we'll be hearing some of yours on the... Secret Mum Club. This is the Secret Mum Club. This is the safe space for you to share your secrets and we've got three secrets for you that we're going to discuss here we go with number one all right this says hello safina and emma i wanted to share this embarrassing story from when i took my toddler

to ikea to buy some bits we were just learning to potty train and doing a reward system i was looking at some bathroom tiles and I heard her say, oh no, I can see where this is going, excitedly, look mummy, I've done a poo in the toilet. I turn around to see her pointing at the show toilet. The show toilet in the fake bathroom. I told a staff member, but we had just moved to a new country and there was still a language barrier. So I had to shamefully take him over to my toddler's poo. I left quickly, but often wonder about the poor worker that had to fish my toddler's poo out the toilet.

Much love, Anonymous. Oh, no. You can never go back to Ikea again. She left the poo. She left the poo. She didn't even fish it out for him. No, she just left. You would, wouldn't you? I would. go back to ikea again she left the poo she left the poo she didn't even fish it out for him no she just left you would wouldn't you i would i'd get a poo bag and just take it just pick it up

you'd probably pick it up with your bare hands actually yeah fuck it rather than someone else touching my daughter's poo that's a bad day i hope it wasn't a runny poo too thing is what you do because she's done the right thing. Poo in the toilet. Potty training. She's done a poo in the toilet. Look, mummy. Do you reward her? I've done it. Yes, darling, but not in the middle of a showroom bathroom.

How busy was it in there? Was anybody watching? It's always busy in Ikea. Chris's brother's done it as well. He did it in a tile shop. Took a poo in the toilet. I mean, if you're going to have fake toilets out, what do you expect? Yeah, I feel like it's a really common thing. it i feel like it it's got to be if you

work in a bathroom showroom you have to i feel like this is common again let us know yeah if you've experienced someone doing a shit in a showroom toilet shit in a show you know it's not a poo at waterloo it's a shit showroom oh my god oh savage that is the language barrier as well but posse training was going well at least imagine trying to explain and then just be like you know what do you know what it's easy just come with me come and come with me come and rate my daughter's poo.com come on come and rate my daughter gather round gather round what are we giving it turn out and say come on everybody yeah and she's only two and she did it in the right place she did a number two on the loom oh dear are you ready for secret number two i don't know ready for a number i don't think i'm ready for any more number twos this says hello safina and emma i'm just going to start this by saying

thank you for making a new mum feel a little more sane by having created such a great podcast oh thank you i am emailing from across the pond in newfoundland i think that's how you say it newfoundland newfoundland but i think it's newfoundland no it's newfoundland canada newfoundland it's a dog breed as well isn't it really big ones yeah they're called newfoundlands maybe we've just like anglicized it though and actually in can, they say Newfoundland. Well, anonymous, let us know. In Canada anyway.

In Canada. Canada, yeah. So my first six months of postpartum was a lot. My baby was an absolute terrible sleeper. He fought to stay awake and was a very light sleeper. One day I had a busy day out of the house and I was exhausted. I had to take my baby with me. And so after he finally settled for a car ride nap, I felt I needed a busy day out of the house and I was exhausted. I had to take my baby with me and so after he finally settled for a car ride nap I felt I needed a Starbucks. Thankfully I was able to

pre-order my drink on their app and very quickly run inside to get my coffee while my baby slept in the running vehicle. A day later I was with some mum friends and they made a comment about being stuck in the vehicle with their sleeping baby and would never leave them alone even for a second. I never spoke to them about taking the minute to quickly run inside for my coffee. Am I the bad mum for leaving my baby

sleeping in the car after desperately praying he would just stay asleep? Anonymous. No, I've done it. I've done it too. My sister said to me I was bad for doing it

but she would have never done it. But the thing is is what I said to her I basically left Colby in the car and ran into Hobbycraft to get a click and collect. But she said because I couldn't see him from the car and ran into Hobbycraft to get a click and collect. But she said, because I couldn't see him from the car.

But I was like, if he moved though, he would have set the alarm off because the car was locked and it wasn't a hot day. How long do you think you were? Well, I asked for the parcel because there was no queue

and then I waited at the door and I watched until they went and got the parcel. I think if they're in eyesight and I feel like if you go into a Starbucks, they're normally small enough and if you can park close you can normally see through the window i feel like if you can see them that's okay like because i even when there was no pay at pump at the petrol station or i hadn't i had cash i used to leave him in the car i have this dilemma all the time because for some reason lond London is very behind on pay a pump.

So I always have to go in and pay for the petrol. But because I can always see him through the window, I feel like it's fine. And also, what else am I supposed to do? I've got to fill up the car. And you don't want to take him out with all the fumes and dirty hands. You wouldn't take him out in a petrol station. It's more dangerous anyway. And plus, if they're asleep, obviously you can't touch them.

So I think that is completely fine i think it's normal you needed you needed your coffee he was fine he wasn't going anywhere the door was locked i think what we don't wasn't a hot day wasn't a hot day no probably not in canada this is what i think is annoying now in newfoundland uh is that you can't leave your baby just like on the driveway obviously that's not like the darn thing anymore which our parents probably used to do but it's annoying when you get home and they're asleep in the car and you're like well this is just i sleep coldly on the driveway when i used to work for my dad because my desk was right next to the door of the office and the car was literally out the front but you can't just pop in the house and be like

i'll see you in a couple of hours then. Which I think our parents probably used to do. Leave us to sleep on the driveway. I guess it depends where you live as well. Yeah, I guess it depends. It all depends where you live. But I think it's completely... You're not a bad mum. You're not a bad mum at all. No way.

Sometimes you just need a fucking minute and a coffee. Sometimes I just get out of the car and just fucking go in the house. Watch them from the bedroom window. Now they're quite they're quite adequate they can get out the car themselves yeah it's a little bit annoying yeah you wish they would stay in the car but now they love it they love sitting in the car in the driveway i sit in the i sit in the lounge obviously there's not much activity i can be doing at the moment they just

like sitting in the car they love like pretending in the car oh yeah and they pretend and they go on a journey and they'll put little hats on and they'll take their little bags out and their teddies and they just play in the car that's cute yeah you're fine anonymous get your coffee yeah no you've done nothing wrong get your starbucks deserved it if you've had a long night as long as you're safe he's safe that's all that matters yeah you're fine exactly and then rolling into number three they see me rolling all right the last secret says hello soph and emma i am a new mum of a seven month old baby girl congratulations i stay at home with her so i enrolled us in a few activities so that we can keep busy and meet some other babies and mummies we joined a baby book club at our local library oh which has been lovely

but i feel pretty self-conscious being that i am the youngest mum there i'm 24 and the other mums are in their 30s but my real secret is at our last meeting during circle time i accidentally i accidentally let one slip out what fart yeah i turned to my daughter and said excuse you and i turned the blame on her obviously the other moms all commented on how cute it was that such a large fart came out of such a little girl i think they were on to me i will never show my face there again lots of love anonymous no you've got to keep going yes oh god bless her heart never ever feel yeah i i said this you didn't know they keep saying to me that, oh, you're a geriatric mum.

You're an old mum. Yeah. So I don't think you can win. You can't win. You're either too old, too young, whatever. My sister had her baby at 21 and I feel like me at 21, I would have never been able to have a baby at 21.

No, same. I was just not mentally prepared. No, no. I just wasn't there. Hence why I'm having children later in life. And my sister's got really... She's all done. She's all done.

She's got really big grown up children. Yeah. And she's 38. And here we are, 35. Get written off. There's also people that have a baby at 40 and it's their first baby. Yeah. 45.

Yeah. Which is no issue. I don't understand why age has to be an issue. Like when you're dating somebody, it always has to be... You can't be dating someone that's younger than you oh no it's fine to date someone younger than you if you're a man but not when you're a woman you're now a cougar yeah is it a cougar yeah or a cradle snatcher or a milf yeah yeah i don't know the terminologies if i'm honest but don't be embarrassed about the fart because you i you do that in front of hundreds of thousands

of people every day on your Instagram I fart all the time I literally got out went out my sister's house the other day let out this massive huge fart it was horrendous

and my friend literally walked up the road I was like sorry did you just hear my fart and she was like oh gosh I thought it was thunder

no that's my ass also what are babies for if not to blame smelly farts on it's like dogs smelly farts loud farts wet farts that's what ass also what are babies for if not to blame smelly farts it's like dogs smelly farts loud farts yeah wet farts that's what they're there for charty farts do it until they can talk because then they'll start they'll go no it's not me then they'll start grassing you up so yeah now i am the who farted the other one someone farted the other day and i said oh

grammys has just farted to what about my mom and the children were like no grammy's doesn't fart who told you that grammy's told us she doesn't fart well she does yeah fart yeah it's when she farts and it did your mom ever do that nick jones do you ever fart whoa i'm like you like it's taking her by surprise you're drawing more attention to the fact yeah just farted. Just own it. Just, oh, fuck. Anyone related to you, I best believe. I said you're over 65 now, mum.

You've got, like, no excuses. The bowels just have to be emptied. Otherwise, you may self-implode. It's coming out whether you like it or not. Yeah, God, can you imagine? And even now, I can't hold a fart in. Have you had bad farts? Yeah, actually, they you imagine? And even now, I can't hold a fart in. Have you had bad farts? Yeah, actually, they have been worse than usual,

but I think that's because everything's all squashed up inside. That's what we were saying. I've got atomic farts. Wow. Atomic. They wake Chris up in the middle of the night. He shits himself. He's like, oh, what was that?

He's supportive, though, isn't he? Stefan hates it. What, the farting? Stefan's got double standards for farts. Oh, don't tell me he's a farter but he doesn't appreciate your farts he just like he's sexist about farts like when if a girl farts he's like gross yeah that's why he doesn't follow me on what a pig what a dickhead i meant chicken. Sometimes I try and blame it on Joseph and Stefan goes,

I know what his smell like. He goes, don't do that. Don't try and do that. He's like, I know his brand. I've been in his nappies. Stefan, I used to like you. I know. Not anymore.

No, me neither. You can get out. I'll fart all over him. I'll come round for a baby date. Oh, yes, that was me. I farted. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

Yeah, and if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you ever had your bum hole complimented yes actually or have you had a poo in a showroom let us know there really is nothing too outrageous and keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club