Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Tupperware Elf

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

Merry Christmas, Secret Mum Clubbers! Here’s an extra-special festive treat, featuring terrible cracker jokes, a Christmas Eve baby, and a very naughty elf. 🎄 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And before we get started, we just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. As a special little festive treat, we've got an elf-sized episode to share with you all. Just a little something to help spread the Christmas joy. Let's do it. And it's not Christmas without. Crackers Crackers

And an empty glass of wine This is how I spend my Christmas Well you can't see me Because this one isn't on YouTube But you can catch other episodes On YouTube Can you tell we got a memo To direct people to YouTube

You can catch us on YouTube But not this one And if you're sick of us Just hold an empty glass Well we have got a bottle of Fizz To Pop's Fizz It's actually Clementine And Cranberry Bucks Fizz

From M&S MNS Very nice Shout out Eminet Should we do the crackers first? Your crackers! We're going to spill our drinks otherwise. We're just, I'm going to spend my Christmas just holding an empty glass, but I'm in my own house.

I'm going to spend mine holding a full glass. I'm not good with crackers. No. We'll do one. Should we go double fisting? I got you right in my bristicles, guys. Oh, God. Oh, we double fisters.

Oh. This one, this one, this one. Oh! Oh, she won! You won. She won! Let me win this one. Wait, no.

Oh my gosh. I don't know what it is. Is it a tiny vibe? A microphone? Hello? No. Is it one of these? Well, we know you need one of those.

Oh, okay. Ready? Three to web! Oh! You've got a tactic, I think. Eyebrow blockers! You've got a tactic. You hold the body of the cracker, don't you, so that you win them?

I'm on to you. I see you. Oh God, don't see you. God, you're such a sore loser. You have your tweezers. Thank you. Are you giving me the one that you don't know what it is? It's my tiny vibrator.

What is it? A torch? I don't know what it is. Okay. Do you want to hit me with your jokes? a bit of shot. Where's my... What is this?

Oh, that's actually really good. It's a finger for the pad. Oh, like a scrolling thing. I think so. I don't know. Do you need that when you can just use your finger? Right. Oh, fuck, me!

I know, it's like a fucking essay. Okay. You start on that while I open... Holiday hilarity. Which athlete would be the warmest in winter? An eskimo. A long jumper. Oh.

Yeah. How many horses are pulling the sleigh in the jolly Christmas song? Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. Dash a dancer, prance of vixen. No, it's one, two or four. Four? Wrong. One horse.

One horse open sleigh. And a one horse open play. All the hills we go. Laughing on the way. This was going to be a small episode and actually now it's the main. It's going to be an hour long. What was your joke? I told you it.

A long jumper. Long jumper. Mine is how much does Santa pay for his sleigh? Oh, a dash. Nice. No, nothing. It was on the house. Oh, gosh.

He's on the roof, isn't he? In the Christmas Carol, Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen. Name that film. Love actually. How many saints' names were mentioned? One, two, none or three. Three. Well, that's really hard.

Three, two. Close. One off. All right, cheers. Cheers, up yours. Down the hatch, up yours, what is it? Down the hatch, up yours. Yeah, people said that that wasn't the jungle.

She wasn't talking about me. Shona McCarthy, yes, she was. Down the hatch up yours. Was she? You got quoted on I'm a celebrity? Yeah, down the hatch up yours. No. Yeah, she did.

She did it twice too. And everyone was like, I don't know what she's even talking about. Everybody says down the hatch. Yeah, I'm not talking about that bit. It's down the hatch. Up yours. That comes from you.

Yeah, that's me. You know. You're the original. Yeah. Where did you get it from? Copyright issues. I've got a tiny vibrator. That really is tiny. That is really tiny.

Don't they call it a bullet? Yeah, I think it's a bit bigger than that though. Oh. Well, that wouldn't even touch us. I get lost. Suck that right up. Compared to a baby's head. Christ.

Your vagina doesn't stay that big. It goes back. I know, but that has been through there. Don't you just have a gaping hole there now. I've had three jumps. Any who'sy, chicken nudis? I wouldn't know. Okay.

We've got some more festive secrets and messages coming through, and we've had our first ever Christmas card. Oh. Do you want to read it? Yeah, I do. Oh. It's a baby footprint. Ollie's tinsel toes.

That's a nursery classic, that is. Oh, that is absolutely divine. If only you could see this. Oh, right. It says to Safina and Emma. She knows. What's her name? Chloe. Thank you, Chloe. Just wanted to send you a card made by my little boy, Oliver, for his first Christmas. He was born three weeks early on the 12th of March this year. Three days after my... Three days after my birthday. Renly is my birthday, twin. Oh! Chloe, this is a lot, honey. I wasn't even prepared for this. Thank you so much for all the laughs this year. I wouldn't have survived maternity leave with a sprinkle of PPD in there without you two. All are on. love, Chloe and Oliver. It does say a disclaimer. Yeah. Oliver doesn't have seven toes.

Yes, that's exactly what I said, but I first saw it. I said it looks like he's got seven toes. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with seven toes. Have you ever tried arts and crafts with an eight month old? Oh, she made it. She literally wrote he did not stop fucking moving. Merry Christmas. Merry fucking Christmas. To be fair, I tried it with the other two. Disclaimer, didn't do it with renters. No, you can't. It's a third child. You haven't got time to do anything. Oh, my gosh. Oh, thanks, Chloe. Chloe and Oliver. I can't believe she actually did that herself.

I wait for nursery to do all that shit. There's even one on the back as well. They did that at home. It's a double, it's a double end card. Fair play. That is adorable. Oh gosh, you sweetheart. Thank you so much.

Chloe, I think of you now every time it's Renly's birthday. To the March babies. To the March babies. Yeah. To everybody. Cheers to all of us. So we've had the cutest message through from Natalie. Oh my gosh.

Last week. And it says, beautiful pair, I absolutely love your pod. And I have some Christmas news. Yes. I have a little girl age three. She'll be four in March. Oh my gosh. Another one. Another one? Last year I had a little boy born on Christmas Day. Oh, no way. Absolutely not planned. He was due on the 30th of December, but decided to make his arrival just after finishing our Christmas dinner. He knew you needed that glass of champas. Yeah. He knew. It was his gift to you. It was his gift. Yes. Yeah. I love the idea that she just filled herself up with Christmas dinner and it just was like, too much.

Too much. We've got too much on board. You think you need a ship, but in fact, we're giving birth. Yeah. Wow. Now to top it off, I'm currently pregnant with my third. Oh. Total shock pregnancy after being on the contraceptive implant, but I'm currently days away from giving birth. And this one's due date is Christmas Eve. What? Stop it. Oh my gosh. You're going to have two babies a year apart, both birthdays at Christmas. This is iconic. Will I have- Imagine having, imagine she gives birth on Christmas Eve. Tell us now, have you given birth? Because we would be fully in the depths of this now. She says, will I have two Christmas Day babies or any advice on getting this labour started now from a very tired and busy mummy? Wow, she wants it to come before.

But now if we're going to take our advice, we're already in Christmas day now because you're listening to us on Christmas day. It's too late. We need to know. I hope it's already happened, Natalie. Oh my gosh, her name's Natalie. That means like Christmas. That's it? Yeah. It was in the stars for you, Natalie. It was written in the stars. Oh my gosh. Imagine two Christmas Day babies. Imagine she's listening now eating her Christmas dinner and she just goes into labour. Or she's already had it and she's got baby in her arms. Oh.

This is too much cutie patooties, isn't it? Wow, you need to be careful around the February mark because that's when you're getting jigger with it. Be careful. You don't want a fourth. We do want a fourth Christmas Day baby. Yes, we do. Cricy.

What a wonderful Christmas. I know. That is joyful. Joyful. Busy and blessed. Okay, we've got one more message here. It says, hi, ladies. I forgot to move the elf on the shelf last week and fully committed to lying.

I told my kids the elf had been arrested for bad behaviour and had to stay in elf jail overnight. I wrapped him in kitchen foil. Put him in a tubbleware. Fucking out. This is dark. I wrapped him in kitchen foil, put him in a tupperware box and left him on the side as a warning. Well, like if you misbehaves, this is what's going to happen to you as well.

You're off to jail. No, not to prison. I'm going to put you in a tubel box wrapped in foil. My children now believe elves can go to prison. Harriet. Oh, Harriet. You really committed to the cause on that one. Yeah.

You went in. This is why I don't want to do it because I can't remember every day to do a new thing. But you do know, if you've seen Elf the movie, they have special tinsel that breaks them out of prison. Santa Claus actually.

Oh. The elves have special tinsel that melts the bars. So your kids would be like, why can't you just get out? Yeah. He's got magic a tinsel. Yeah. Because Santa gets released,

doesn't he from Santa Claus 1. Have you seen it? No. No, of course you haven't. I don't know why I asked. I haven't seen Santa Claus. What the fuck is one of the best? films. Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger? No, that's jingle all the way. Oh, who's Santa Claus?

Santa Claus is the man. What's his name? Tim Allen. Tim Allen. I do know. I do know the film, but I can't remember it. And then they do the tinsel to get him out. Magic tinsel. Yeah. So really, you fucked yourself there, Harriet. Yeah. Well, unless Harriet's children haven't yet watched Santa Claus. Then they won't know. Then they won't know. Oh, I've got to be careful with this stuff with Joseph because he really is into the whole like being arrested and going to prison. I think it comes from like playing superheroes and stuff. He really wants to be arrested though, doesn't he? No, he's very scared of it.

So it's quite a strong... Well, that's a good mentality to have. It's quite a strong deterrent, but you've got to be careful you don't scare him. And when we... So it all started when at his old nursery, there was a little boy there who is really good friends with who was a little bit older. Was he arrested? No.

Oh. He's fine. Still walking the streets. But I think playing superheroes and stuff, they'd be like, you're the goody, I'm the badie, you're going to jail or whatever. You know, that was like part of like the role play. So everyone in the nursery started talking about going to... to jail and I remember asking them like suddenly everyone talking about like the police and

getting arrested and stuff and they were like oh yeah it's big conversation here but you know don't worry about it but in london where we used to live you could hear sirens all the time okay and once the nursery door was open and a police car went past with it sirens on and they when i went to pick him up they were like joseph got really upset today because he actually thought he was going to jail were coming to take him oh and i thought that is sad but also very effective yeah for me because that's how we should go through life is they should take the police and they should take the Please. Seriously.

Always be scared that something's going to happen to you and stay in line. Keep your wits about you. Stay alert. Yeah. So I can use it as a really last, harsh, harsh, very harsh to derrick game now. You're scraping the barrel and you still got to go deeper to use that one. Oh, Harriet. Harriet, that's iconic.

Just, you know, don't do elf on the shelf. Don't get yourself into this mix up. Keep yourself saying for Christmas guys. So thank you for joining us in the Secret Mum Club this year. All of your stories and secrets have been incredible. So please do keep them coming in. The email is hello at secretmumptod.com and we're Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram.

I'm so excited for 2026. And there are some big things coming. Have a wonderful Christmas, everybody. And we'll see you next year on the Secret Mum Club.