Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Tutu Debate

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

The ladies chat about the differences between girls’ and boys’ clothing after one mum writes in about letting her little boy wear what he loves, sparking a wider conversation about gendered clothes and letting kids express themselves freely. Plus, one listener is contemplating what life could be like as a step mum, and whether to trust her instincts when stepping into a ready-made family. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina and I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze your bits. Did you miss that? I did. And I bet the people out there missed it too.

I don't know. I feel there was a lot of love for that episode. Oh really? Yeah. The one acted on my own. I was loving it. Oh God. So awkward.

I was answering you back though while listening. Were you? I appreciate you. Yeah. I should have maybe recorded me. Doing the answers. Yes. Yes.

All of your comments thought. thoughts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Showy Jambonis! Oh, it's so nice to have you back opposite me. Thanks, honey. Misty. I was quite sad with your correspondence corner though.

Oh, yeah. Keep done with a bit more. I was trying to hype the crowd. I was like, guys. And then Rosie was holding it. Anyone? Sophie and Mas and Rosie were just real hype queens. To be fair, they did.

They did well. They did great. Right. Are you ready? Yeah. Back in action. It's time for another. Correspondence Corner.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Oh, she's going to sneeze. God bless you, my sweet child. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I hurt my throat.

I don't think it's making a comeback. It's been with me for fucking weeks. Same. The bitch won't leave. Oh, okay. Ready? Are you ready? Are you ready?

Now that I've got that out, I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. So that's quite good. You're one and done. You're like Stefan's sister. I've never known anything like it.

She does 13 sneezes in a row every time she sneezes. I'd say two is the standard. A one and a two and then you're done. Sometimes maybe a three to really finish it off. But she's into the dozens. Chris is, Chris does like an attack. Like once it starts. Chris does never done a one sneeze in his life.

It's never going. No, it just keeps going and going and going. I'm like, all right. Is he dramatic about it as well? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Really gives it large.

Yeah. All right. Should we have our first one? All right. This is from Haley in Manchester. Hello, Haley. She says, hello, Sophie and Emma. I've just finished listening to your episode about Renli being judged for the clothes he wore

and I just wanted to email to say it made my heart so happy to know there are other moms out there who let their children wear what they want. When my son 103, we took him to build a bear. He chose a tutu for his bear and the whole way home on the train he kept asking to wear one himself. Without hesitation, I went on Amazon and ordered one. He absolutely loved it, singing, dancing, putting on performances and wearing it whenever he could. Fast forward six months and he still loves it and happily wears it to the supermarket on our weekly food shop. At first, I was a bit apprehensive, but then I realized if he was happy,

I was happy and that's all that mattered. If people want to judge, let them. I've never reacted to negative comments or funny looks. I just smile and carry on with what I'm doing. He still loves his tutu and his dolly's pram just as much as he loves his planes and monster trucks. I love that you guys are bringing some normality to not gendering children's items

and just letting kids be kids. Aww. Oh. That really melts my heart. I can't tell you how much joy. And we've said it before, haven't we? When you just see someone's just rocking their little fairy wings, boy or girl, it doesn't really matter.

I just think, the world is so fucking scary. And who are we to judge two, three, four, five, six, any child actually under the age of 16? Or do you know what? Any fucking age. Yeah. Who the fuck are we to judge anybody? Yeah. I just don't get it.

I just don't get if they're not doing any harm to anybody else. Like, what is the big deal? Yeah. I remember someone, one of my friends, partners didn't want their little boy to get a pram. Yeah. when he was little and I was like, that is so sad. So sad. What do you think it's going to happen?

If he's a dad when he's older, he'll be pushing a pram. Like, what's wrong with that? I don't, I don't get it. And, you know, there's probably people out there, isn't there, with valid reasons as to why they don't. But I just think all it is is learning. They're just learning and exploring and finding things. It's the same with if you were to push, if you gave them a pram or a shopping trolley, does that then make a different?

It's still on four wheels. Yeah. You know, you can get in Smith's Toysaw, the little pretend shopping. and choice. It's the same, it's the same thing. And I just, I don't know. It's all very confusing. And I know Haley said then about not rising to negativity. This was the episode where I talked about the interaction in a shop with another lady. But I think, because she muttered the comment under, not under her breath, but she kind of said it. I thought she was maybe just talking out loud to the universe and kind of waited hesitantly as to like, is she talking to me? And then I kind of thought she's just bringing the comments up. Then it obviously conspired that she was actually. saying about renters when she told him that he should be in girls clothes because he's a girl and when in fact I told her he was a boy she went uh sort his hair out yeah and just what the hell like did that make you feel better yeah to try and mock a two year old there's so much like ingrained in society though like I think we still have these like really separate ideas even

if you look at girls and boys clothes in in shops and I see loads of campaigning about this on my social media it's so like defined it's like every Everything like trucks and dinosaurs and diggers is all the boys stuff. It's the ugliest shit I've ever seen. It's the girl stuff. Like it's still so separate, isn't it? I just bought Renner as a pair of leper print jorts. And you know what made me feel better is that they were put in the boys section on, I think it's Zara I got them from.

They were in the boys section. But I go for the girl section for Renner's. Yeah. I get him in funky pants, oversized jumpers, sweaters, t-shirts. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It really doesn't matter. Never see pink stuff in a boys section.

No. No, you've got to go into the girl section and find the pink stuff. Which is mad. And he looks so great in pink as well. Is that his colour? I bet Sadie, because she's so blonde and so fair and beautiful. A baby blue on her. She looks great in a blue.

Exactly. She's getting opinions about what she wears now and fuck me, that girl lost pink. I was going to say, you've got to stick to what they love and what they, you know. Pink one. Pink one. But then that's her own mind, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I don't even know where. Me and Stefan was like, I don't even know where that's come from. Obviously it's so stereotypical, but like we...

Dotty wouldn't wear anything other than pink. If I tried to put her in a blue dress, no, pink. Yeah. And we've always given her like the full array of options. Because she also got Joseph stuff there. She just loves pink. She just loves pink. But how cool is it now though for girls to be in oversized sweaters?

Yeah. With the long t-shirts and the cool pants. Yeah. It was nothing like this when I had Colby. Was it not? No, fashion for kids now. It's phenomenal. Yeah.

It's much better than it was. Yeah. Lots of women also shop on Boohoo Man as well. You can get some great jorts. I shop in the men's. Yes. Or even better for me is the boys section. Like the boy section of Zara.

That is my chef's kiss. Some people do that, don't they? They go in and get like the 14, 15 or 16. I know that like an age 14 is going to fit me. Plus it's cheaper because no vat. Yes. And you know, I just love an oversized tea. What can I say?

We're just living. There's no judgment here. No rules here. No rules. And you wear your tutu and you wear that tutu of pride. Yeah. What a gorgeous little. man and I just love that. I just love that he's not doing no one, no harm. If it was me in the shop,

I would give him a little smile. Yeah. It's just too freaking cute, isn't it? I know. I know. Makes me so happy. I know. Thank you, Haley. Thank you. Okay, I've got one last message here. It says, Hello, Ladies. My daughter, Luna, is the same age as Renner's and Sadie. She was born in she was born in. I've just listened to the episode where the lady wrote in about her worries around being pregnant with her second baby after her first baby was born sleeping. My first daughter, Sienna, was still born at 38 weeks and let me tell you, I spent my whole pregnancy with Luna in a constant state of worry. But as you ladies said, don't think too far ahead. One day at a time, even one hour at a time, and just get through each day the best you can.

Take care of yourself and do what's best for you. I can't promise the worries disappear overnight, but honestly, everything does find a way and eventually things start to fall into place. I hope this helps from a fellow angel and rainbow mama, Jenny. Oh, 38 weeks. 38 weeks. Do you know what? And again, correct me if I'm wrong. No time is a better or worse time.

I just think that is such a hard thing to go through, miscarriage, sleeping babies, at whatever point. I just think it's so heartbreaking. And I think as well is that it's trying to then come back. And I feel like we all have that same gut feeling as to try for another. baby or having a baby after miscarriages or sleeping babies is so fucking hard and we're all in that together and i truly do i'd second that is that just take every every day as it comes every hour as it comes take the days really slow and it does it did after losing the twins and then having dotty

i just felt like i watched every hour it was like the longest pregnancy of my life yeah i bet but i just don't there's just no words there's nothing that can comfort you or make you feel better in that in that moment no it's just so hard it's just like pregnancy is so hard and to get it's on its own on its own but to get as far as thinking that you've got a full-term baby that could be born healthily it's just like I can't even imagine there's no words is that I can't imagine the most heartbreaking thing so thank you Jenny for yeah thank you Jenny so thank you so much for your messages if you have any comments thoughts or funny stories why not get in touch you can email us Hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram.

And next is time for one of you. Secrets. Welcome back. We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. And you're all so good at sharing. What have you got for us today? You're all right with the delay. Sorry, I was reading ahead again.

I can't help myself. I thought you were mid-swallow. No, I was trying to read ahead. Okay. Hello both. I've listened since the very beginning. But I always said I never wanted to be a mum, mostly because I didn't want to be pregnant. give up my horses or go through birth.

But I was always drawn to your podcast and I listen every week. I recently started talking to someone who has an eight-month-old son. He has full custody and is supported by his parents who have his son a couple of nights a week. I'm just looking for advice because I'm petrified. His son is adorable and I want to be there as much as I can, but I have no clue what I'm doing. I haven't met him yet as his dad wanted to keep some distance while we worked out whether we would work as a couple, which I completely understand.

But for the first time in 25 years, I'm actually sitting here thinking about how excited I'd be to become a mother one day. I've spoken to my mum who was very supportive. However, my best friend who I've known since I was two, is very against it. Any advice would be amazing, please. Love you both anonymous. Okay. Okay.

I wish this was on video because our faces were an absolute picture. This actually is so lovely, but then also on the flip side, really hard. It's scary, isn't it? Yeah. And not having friends around you to sort of. support you. I've always put myself forward as I'll be that friend in that. I will, if you ask for my opinion, I will give you my opinion. But whether that changes how you feel towards me is not the opinion I want to give you. So if you ask me for my opinion, I would give

you that, but I would never want it to hurt our friendship. And I can have my feelings and my opinion, but equally, I want to give you 100% of my support. So yes, if I feel like it's not the right thing to do, I'll be like, oh, I don't think it's the best, but if it's what you want, I'm fully going to support you. Let's find a way to work around that. Anybody that wants to say, I don't like what you're doing, I think you're making a massive mistake, leave him, don't be with him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just don't think that's the right thing. Yeah, I don't either.

In this scenario, you can't do what your friend thinks you should do. You should only do what you feel is right. But you're taking advice from the people that you love. So when you're given that advice, it's kind of like, oh, fuck, well, maybe she is right. I know. I think it's, it is important to like listen to other people's opinions, I suppose. And like, she obviously knows her really well. They're really close.

She's known her most of her life. But I just don't think you could, like, for example, quite a few of my friends have got divorced. And when they got married the first time round, I kind of knew that they weren't with the best person. Probably thought they shouldn't really be getting married. Probably thought, I don't know if this is going to work out. But I never said anything because I'm like, you have to go through this and you have to realize that for yourself. Now that they're on second marriages with people that they're much more compatible with and much happier with, and I'm like, yeah, you have to come to that realization though. If I'd said, I don't think you should get married.

That would have made them upset. I think it would have just upset them. It would have made our friendship really awkward. And if you love that person and are going to get married anyway, who am I to say, I think you're making a mistake? I'm just not the friend to like, I'd be like, okay, well, hope you're happy, because I'm a pussy. And I just can't say what I think to people's faces. But I think you can only just go through with what you think you should be doing. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

But if it's what you think is right for now and you really like the person, why not? Otherwise, you'll always be thinking, oh, what if, what could that have been? And obviously, kudos to the friend. If she feels confident she can do that. And I don't want to take that away from her friend. You know, if her friend felt safe and secured that she could say that to her without hurt and her feelings, then that is great. If that's where you're at in life, that it's just me.

personally, I just don't know that I would be able to not be supportive if that was a decision. Definitely aware that I've honed in on the friendship. Also, can we just take a moment for the man? Yeah. Who is full custody of the baby. Yeah. And has decided to not introduce her to the baby. Yeah, fair play.

Isn't that just the most wonderful thing? Obviously, you mostly hear it from the women's side. Well, I do anyway. Hear it from the women's side that don't involve a new partner with the baby. They wait and ride it out. You don't ever really get to hear it from the man. It's more unusual this way around, I would say. Because it's more common for mums to get full custody of their children, I think.

So yeah, it's interesting to hear it this way around. But you've both got supportive parents, which I think it counts for a lot. Which I think that's Mark of the Man. I think that's a very, that's a wonderful, that's giving green flag energy, isn't it? Yeah. And the fact that she also has met him, he does have an eight-month-old baby. She's not interested about babies. But obviously, it's very much enjoying her time with this man.

Yeah. And it's a new step and love. life and we're all growing and changing every day, aren't we? Yes, you may feel that your mind is changing towards having children of your own. I also feel like it's really hard for somebody to have maternal instincts or vision themselves being a mum if they have not grown up around children. Or if they haven't met the right person yet. Or if they haven't met the right person. I think that can totally change it. You can be thinking like, oh my God, I'm so not maternal, I never want my own kids. And then you meet someone that you fall in love with and you think, oh my God, actually,

I can really see us having a baby together. I could be wrong. in saying that I feel like if you haven't grown up around children, it's very, very common to not have that maternal instinct. Yeah, I think that was linked. Yes, when you're like the baby of the family. Yeah. Or it could be the reverse. There could have been, you could have grown up with too many children. Then that again, made you. Yeah. So I don't know. I grew up around lots of children. My mum's friends had lots of children and I was always kind of the older ones. We were kind of the older ones and we looked after the babies and I kind of always knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mum. But it is hard to find that. It is really hard to find that feeling of like, do I actually

want children? Do I actually want to put my body through all of that? Do I actually want to bring a child into this really scary world? You know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of factors. And I think it's okay for your mind to change if you've met the right person. And you're probably feeling very confused and a little bit scared yourself because you've known for all. You've known for all this time in your life that you don't want to have children. Yeah. And now you're like, what the fuck is going on? Yes.

Yeah. It's scary. And I think it's definitely worth taking its time. If you're interested in him and you want to pursue that and things are going great and then you meet his little boy. And that works out great. With respect of, I know she said she's worried about meeting him and what to do. I think just give yourself some time. I feel like it will come quite naturally.

I feel like it's in there for everybody to kind of just be like, oh, it's a baby. Yeah. That's cute. That's a cute. We'll have a hug. That's a cute thing. But I would say take it slowly and see how you feel. And again, how your interaction, your relationship with his son might then naturally change things within yourself.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The more time you spend with him, it might then give you that more solidifying as to whether you want to. Or you might be like, this isn't for me. Yeah. Yeah. But that's okay as well.

And that's okay. But I just say ride the wave. Yeah. Enjoy the moment. You seem very happy. Your mum's insanely supportive. I'm sure if things work out great, your friend will hopefully come around. But just take everyone's opinions on board and just see how it goes.

Yeah. I would say. Your happiness is a priority, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah. Take them on board, but don't take them too seriously. Yeah, that's what is. You don't want them to put you off doing something that you actually really want.

Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. But yeah, I think our advice is go for it but take it slow. Yeah. Yeah? And if anyone else has any advice or has been through it or been through it, yeah, or something similar, we would love to, we'd love to share it on. I don't know if that was the best advice, really.

But we did as good as we did as we did as good as we could in the situation. We did as good as we could in this situation. If it was me, I'd say, go whole. Do it. Go hard. Yeah, you only live once, don't you? I think eight months is like peak cuteness as well. It'd be like hard not to just like eat that baby up.

And you're also right in the prime of like walking, first words. Yeah. Again, we don't know when he's going to introduce her to the baby yet, do we? No. No. But it's just like, this is a cute time. This is really, you know. I say just live.

Yeah. Live in the moment. And again, if you are seeing how the relationship goes and you find in three months time, if you haven't met his little boy but it didn't work out with you, there's no, you haven't then got to detach yourself from. his little boy. Do you know what I mean? And also to be honest, like even if you do meet the baby and then it doesn't work out, like the baby is young enough to not remember. It's not at the baby the child is like seven or eight. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Don't they say something about

children not remembering anything before the age of four? Yeah. Once they get to four. I thought memory started at four which has made me paranoid because since Joseph's turned four and any little like mistake I might make him parenting. I think fuck he's going to remember that and he's going to hold it against me for the rest of my life. Whereas with Sadie I think, Well, is it actually a proven statistic? I don't know why. I don't know where we've both heard that, but that's what I've been basing my life on. From the age of four onwards, I've been like, right.

But I don't know when my memories began, because is it just home videos and photos or is it my actual memory, you know? I don't remember. You don't remember anything? I remember quite a lot, but I think my earliest memory was probably when I was about seven, six-set. Six-seven? From photos or from your actual brain? Actual brain, yes. What was it?

But my brother can't remember what he did yesterday. If I try and say to him, Oh, do you remember so and so from school? He's like, no. Saphina, I don't know what I did yesterday, let alone so and so from school. It's actually really infuriating. Oh, and just like that, Maz has popped a little thing in there.

Oh, fact check. Fat. Fact. Children start building long-term memories between the ages of three and four. Oh, shit. Joseph's been remembering things for like a year and a half. Before this, the brain. Hippacampus.

Hippacampus. Hippopotamus. What was that film where he says, Hip-hop Banonymous? What film is it? He-Pol banana's! Zootropolis? No.

It's like an actual man. I want to say it's an Adam's... Who? Is it Big Daddy? Good knowledge. And he's an Adam Sandler? Guys, when I tell you, my brain is good. God, your movie knowledge.

Hip-o! Hip-up Anonymous is still developing, and toddlers lack the language skills needed to file away in store past experiences, resulting in a normal phenomenon known as childhood amnesia. Well, there you go. Well, there you go. So as soon as your children turn three, you better be on your best... You better be on your best fucking behaviour. You better smart up, honey.

You better step that up. You bet step that shit up because otherwise we're, oh, fuck. We're all going down and this together. We rise together, fall together. When is your earliest childhood memory? Let us know. You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back first thing on Tuesday.

We'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!