Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Valentine's Surprise

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Love is in the air, and the itchy legs brigade is out! We've got three of your Valentine's related secrets and an extra special surprise for the ladies. Stepping away from all the romance we also have a whole bunch of your misheard lyrics suggestions, and they are GOLD! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

happy valentine's day we should say valentine's week it's the week of love almost valentine's day it's almost or if you're listening to this on wednesday the 14th it's valentine's day if you listen to this on monday it's not it's not this is your two-day warning if you listen to this friday you're fucked you missed it No itchy legs for you or steak and blowjob. But welcome back to The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere.

A safe space to share our secrets and dating stories. Oh. A new addition. Wow. Because we all have them, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are.

You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome. In the Secret Month Club! Tell me about your week. Oh, God. I'm going to be really brutally honest. Don't tell me. Every week.

I haven't shit myself. I haven't shit in a pool. No. I haven't had itchy legs. Yet. Hallelujah. It's the week of Valentine's Day, and I can guarantee you there'll be absolutely no itchy legs.

Emma's just straight up just been doing it in the kitchen, spilling yogurt. That was our filthy listeners i spilt yogurt in my kitchen the other day and i put a picture on instagram and i was getting all sorts of accusations about doing well itchy legs in the kitchen do you know that your itchy leg time is in the kitchen that would have been a lot of because that was a lot of yogurt emma does it in the day she doesn't do it at night i do it in the dead of night when no one can see me even the street lights on on it's that day in the dead of night in the dead of night when no one can see me. Even the streetlights aren't on. It's that dead of night.

In the dead of night. No, I've not been having any itchy legs. No, for, well, it's nearly nine months now, isn't it? It's been about my whole life. Well, that's just great. And I hope to not have any more for the next eight months. Sorry, Chrissie. Well, for the next however many years.

I mean, if you don't want any more kids, then you're done. I i mean that's the only time you ever have itchy legs is when you yeah we were just saying that um the amount of times people the amount number of children people has is the amount of time they've had sex yeah of course because that's what you tell your mom and dad yeah so you've only had sex three times i've only had sex twice and that's it for the rest of our picture and you having sex with stefan because we were also saying when you tell people that you're pregnant, you know. I love that we're talking about this like this isn't going to be, that section's not going to be cut in because it is.

Oh, well, yeah. So here we are just being robots. Hey, we're letting you know. And they're going to put it in here. You know that when you tell people you're pregnant, their mind goes straight to imagining you having sex. And just imagine as well, top me on top that is not no no do you know what i'd say my jews right and i've given birth naturally twice yeah i think my stamina is great put me on top of that dick no get me off i'm 30 seconds i'm like i'm gonna die i can't do it i need to know women's stamina how are we doing are we busting out at the gym

because i just can't i just can't can't run that dick running rolling rolling no i can't do it it's too much we don't have to anymore look you've had three children i'm a down girl i think you you've had three children. I'm a down girl. I think you can retire. I'm a down dog. I'm retiring. I am hanging up my... Hang up your boots.

And summers. Yeah, hang up your lingerie. I've never had sexy lingerie. No, who does? Well, our listeners. You, I feel like you. No, our listeners apparently. Yeah, they do.

And all the toys whips and chains and nurse outfits I don't like no whips and chains but you can set me down I thought I was going to sing Rihanna I love how you just talk about these TikTok things to me and I don't know it's like another language

we're the same age but mentally you're 50 years ahead of me no I'd say mentally you're 15 and I'm like a proper 35 year old i can't i can't get my headband on today you technically are i technically i'm technically stuck in the old um stuck in 15 year old safina oh i'm just i'm just jealous i'm just jealous have you had another rough week with your old pregnancy? I'm not going to lie. I'm trying my absolute best, but I am not...

Not feeling your finest? I'm not feeling my finest, no. There's a lot of things that are swooshing around, you know? And I want to really enjoy it, but I'm repping for the ones that don't find pregnancy the best experience of their life. Yeah. Because I've been very fortunate that I've had three very different pregnancies but i would say the other two

were more enjoyable than this one it's been difficult mentally and physically on my body because my body has just been like what the fuck is going on you You've really been through it, haven't you? It's my pussy. It's not great. It's not great. It's not great. It's not great. It's seen better days.

It's been a little bit of a journey, I'm not going to lie. And I don't think the renovation was a good, that was a good shout. Let's throw that in the mix, why not? Yeah, yeah. That was a little bit crazy. I don't know why I did that.

So no, I've had a little bit of a week where I've been a little bit quiet. And I feel sometimes i did that so no i've had a little bit of a week where i've been a little bit quiet and i feel sometimes at the moment i'm struggling with um because i don't feel myself and i don't look myself even like compared to the other two pregnancies visually i've retained i'm retaining so much water because my liver is just overworked and underpaid like liver's working overtime the liver is just doing it's not doing the most it's doing it's doing the most but not enough no yeah it's doing it's doing the most but it's over performing and underperforming at the same exactly yes so yeah i've um it's just been a it's just been a whole lot so visually and i'm just very sad at looking at myself in the mirror no although i'm loving the bump yeah i'm not loving

like the swollen ankles i can't wear my beautiful engagement ring at the moment because it's just i'm not like swollen swollen but you know when it's just that nothing is moving naturally and like my rings i normally twizzle my rings and i can't and there's nothing's normal nothing's normal no so i'm just out here repping for the we don't feel normal and I'm very insanely grateful and I never want anyone to take it that I'm not not grateful for this incredible opportunity but this time has been hard and struggle I have to say I really related to what you were saying on your Instagram story the other day when you were like oh I'm not making any sense I'm rambling and I was like no you are making sense about wanting your pregnancy to come to an end but also then you kind of like

mourning not having your baby in your tummy anymore it's like articulated perfectly how i felt the first time around like i you count down and you look forward and you're like only this many weeks left obviously so excited you can't wait to meet the baby but then there's something so final about like the baby being out and you're not being pregnant you just feel so lost yeah so isn't it you just feel so empty and you're you have this baby that everybody comes around don't they and your your mum holds them and your dad holds them and now i've got my sister and her children and i just feel like this baby is gonna come and go out to everybody so quickly and I'm I'm

really frightened this time about that that loss yeah and it is hard you don't want to say it as a loss as in that it that it's a loss because it's probably not the right terminology but it the emptiness and the grieving process that you go through of losing that feeling because you've now what is now my security in my blanket that constantly makes me feel like i'm never on my own yeah now just will be gone yeah and there's something that feels so final about the fact that like you've said you think this will probably be your last pregnancy i think this will probably be mine and so the fact that you think like i'm never gonna have that feeling again every time the baby moves i think like i'm never gonna feel a baby

moving inside me again like and it's such a nice feeling oh god and everyone talks about like counting down till delivery day but no one really talks about like people are like oh not long left now like don't worry and i'm like no i love having this baby inside me like having it all to myself yeah it's like amazing and when that's gone it's like nobody ever talks about this bit like this bit is yeah like i'm super excited to be counting down but i'm also so so fucking scared like i'm so scared of not having that and like and that to me it is my last baby so to know that that will i'll never ever ever have that feeling again ever again and it's so fucking sad like even now i sat there this morning and i was like fuck i've got like four months and my babies go up a whole year in school like i've been so

focused on getting the house ready being with the babies that i've missed like i feel like i've missed like a whole year of the other two and there's just like not enough of me to spread so when you want to sit here and take all this in, everybody's like, oh my God, you're being selfish to the other two. And then if you do stuff for the other two, people are like, why are you slowing down? And why are you not doing enough and listening to?

And you just feel like there's nothing in life that's ever the right thing. But everybody only talks about certain categories. Nobody wants to ever talk about the shit that gets us to this point we're waiting for christmas but who knows when christmas is coming like your christmas is different to my christmas right now yeah and we're all just waiting for this this day to come and yeah i don't know i just i felt i felt a little bit emotional i think my hormones are have i got

a sweat patch thank god for that because that would have been leave it in i think you're good oh my tits are sweating though i'm not gonna lie i'm sweating one out um yeah no one talks about the bit in between i think it's the everyone just talks about all the the lovely bits yeah at the end and although this to me though these feelings are so valid and so important and i do feel like we should be embracing them yeah i don't know what like the response to your story was like but maybe other people don't feel this way i don't know i had a lot did you have a lot of people saying they do so many people are always so grateful i've been really lucky because i never put my other pregnancies out to social media because i

wasn't doing it back then so to be to be lucky enough that i've had so many people continue the journey with me because there are people that are grandparents now. I have a lady who messages me and she's 72 years old and she's just the most phenomenal woman to speak to. And she has taken everything that me sharing my pram. She's just so positive about me sharing my bump updates pregnancy updates she tells me about her experiences she likes all of my posts she just generally is just and i was worried i was worried that this journey because i had the other two and i wasn't ever didn't ever think we were ever going to be lucky enough to be in this position again to know that i've had everybody still stick around you know when people never expected that of to come on this journey with me.

Yeah. So to have that support. And I think it's really nice because it's also opened up to people that have fallen pregnant that people are like, this is really refreshing to listen to somebody talking about these kind of things because there's not really anybody that ever talks about them. I was going to say, like, my friends have never really said that to me. It's all just like about the excitement of the baby being born and then i'm like i think i spoke about it before i'm like hang on a minute like now everyone's just

like when i had joseph i found it a bit overwhelming having visitors because i was like my baby's just here now and it's like a free-for-all for everyone to come around to come around to touch my baby and like and people help yeah sure but like that feeling it's just such a weird mix of emotions isn't it you lie there don't you in the hospital bed and you're i don't know how you felt after the cesarean but i sort of led there gave birth to colby and kind of just sort of sat on the bed and my sister was there chris was there and you kind of sat there and i did have some tears with colby so you have to make sure that you're doing okay and you've got to get the placenta out so

there's a lot of other things that go on and you just literally are led on this bed and you watch somebody else holding your baby yeah and like not to be morbid on it because i don't know if morbid is the word but i don't i don't want to be a mood hoover and just suck the life out of you all but you lie in that bed and you've got all these midwives and doctors all around you and then you're just watching and i just felt so angry at chris and i didn't mean to but i was just so cross and i was like you're fucking i've just done all this yeah and you're soaking up what i have grown for nine months yeah felt kick me and you're just sat there relishing and i and there was just this incredible anger towards chris and i spoke to him about it afterwards and i was just like i was just so cross at you

because you were just taking everything that yeah you took everything from me i had nothing i was just led there i've done all this work i've had this baby yeah nine months yeah and then with doxy second time round like because i'd spoken to chris about it and i think it wasn't as it wasn't as so overwhelming the second time around you kind of know spoken to chris about it and i think it wasn't as it wasn't as so overwhelming the second time around you kind of know what you're doing and stuff and i obviously made a point to saying to chris about it that i had so much of her and now i look back and then i'm sad because i'm like i didn't have what i had with her what i had with him because you don't know what you're doing at the start like and i feel like there should be things where we talk

about and there should be things that like you and me now are sat talking about this i hope someone can just go to their partner who's 28 weeks pregnant and go oh i listened to a podcast today and the lady mentioned about having the baby is there any chance if i can hold them can i just hold them yeah like that first bit of like any with you in a cesarean i know they chew the baby don't they but they take them straight away to the incubator well joseph didn't have to go in an incubator he went oh he went off to be no i did i had him on me straight away lovely but maybe different because i had like a birth plan somewhat even though it didn't go to plan but i did say i wanted skin to skin

yeah straight away so he did lay on me screamed the whole time then they had to take him off and weigh him and you don't remember that though do you and then stefan had him but um yeah well i'm actually quite traumatized by it because he literally didn't stop screaming i was like oh no my baby hates me but when it all settled down the bit in hospital i loved it i didn't want to leave i was there for three days they were like you can go now you've recovered i was like no no i would like to stay i would like to stay here forever in my little bubble if you can just me and my baby it just is it just i think as well with your first labor you there's again so much expectation on how you give birth and there's so much pressure put on your birth plan and what you should do and what's the right thing and people are people

write these videos where they're like oh what i planned for my birth and what i actually got and i just think don't put that pressure on yourself keep yourself nice and calm keep yourself relaxed and just go in and enjoy the enjoy the moment yeah but yeah got a bit deep didn't that that got really deep i'm sorry that's basically been my head yeah that week and that'll be the whole episode this week okay because we've been talking yeah so if you're yeah this is the whole episode so anyway tune in next week the end this is us like welcome to the valentine's day special this is what happens if you have it she likes on valentine's you turn into a crazy woman yeah sorry but did you have a good week yeah it's been jojo's birthday oh did he have the best time he's been

two um yeah do you know what i was saying he's been two he's been two he was two for a day and then that's it he's been two get over it'll be three um it's weird like i felt so emotional about his first birthday which was obviously this time last year um that i just was like i couldn't stop thinking about it and i like wrote like a really nice message on instagram and i I was writing like a... I feel like I know where this is going. I was writing like a little like diary of like, these are all the things you can do now.

Like you're so clever. You can stand up. You can walk, blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, I don't know. Sorry, what's happened to me this year? But I haven't really cared that he's turning two. What happened? What happened in the last year?

Is that normal? Yeah, because you've been busy you've grown another human i know i don't know whether just like the first birthday is like a particularly big milestone and now it's huge for all the other birthdays i'm going to kind of be over it or am i just distracted by the fact that i'm about to have another baby i think it's a bit of everything but i think it's completely normal i think the first year you're so you're so in especially your first baby you're so in that bubble aren't you of watching every single milestone happen oh it's the acid reflux um you're so in the zone aren't you

of like trying to reach a milestone and it's a big achievement keeping a baby alive for a year and i think what i do all the time anyway is like i hark back to like i'll be like this time last year oh my god we were doing this we were going into hospital now we were about to have the baby but it drives stefan mad i do everything i'm like oh this time last week we were doing this and he's like yeah cool um so there was a lot of that like just remembering like my the birth and the labor and i don't know i just felt really emotional about it and now i feel guilty because on his second birthday i haven't really given a shit. Well, you have, but you've given a shit in a different kind of way.

Yeah. Given him a sibling that he maybe didn't want. Happy birthday, son. You're about to be a big brother. But no, it's been nice. We just had a little low-key celebration, took him to the zoo not all the animals which obviously is his favorite thing we still got old mcdonald on repeat all day every

day wakes up singing it he goes to bed singing it it's his whole life it's his life so yeah so it's been really cute um stefan's been away so i've had a bit of a solo parenting to contend with that's when i spilt the yogurt the other day i had absolutely calamitous day bottles spilt this pop and yogurt over the kitchen i lost a shoe oh i lost a baby shoe which sounds minor but actually then when you get to the park and you've only got one shoe it's a fucking nightmare because i can't say no you can't play in the park today i brought you here had to run around in his socks people probably looking at me saying what a terrible mother what an awful mum whereas in my eyes if i'd seen a mum in the park i'd be like yeah get your shoes off join in this looks like a party all right well before we move into correspondence corner this week oh we've been told there's a little surprise for us this is

new do i know the surprise? We don't know. Oh, I thought you knew, but you just weren't telling me. It's a surprise for both of us. All we've been told is to look at our screens. Is it a message from Gerard Butler? Hello. We'll go and see, baby.

It's Tom Hardy coming on. Tom Hardy. Hey, Soph. Hey, Emma. Only me. You didn't move the air out. I just want to say, Soph, happy Valentine's Day. Hey Soph, hey Emma. What? Only me. You didn't move the air out. I just want to say, Soph,

happy Valentine's Day. You're an amazing person. Incredible woman. I love you millions. I'm so proud of you every day. And I hope you have the best Valentine's Day. Lots of love.

Me. Bye bye. Oh my gosh. You said you don't do anything. He does love me. You said you don't do anything for Valentine's Day. We don't. Oh my God. My eyes you don't do anything. He does love me. You said you don't do anything but the same day. We don't.

Oh my God, my eyes are leaking, Chrissy. He's going to be fuming. He's made you cry again. Have we got any more? Oh, there's another one. I think it's you now. You best get your leaky eyes going.

No, I love how Chris included me in his message just in case there wasn't one from Stefan. Thanks, Chris. Oh! If Stefan doesn't include me in his, I'm going to Oh, here he is. Hello, Em.

Happy anniversary. Little message from me and Joseph to say that we love you very much and we would be totally screwed without you keeping the show on the road for us at home. I'm also really proud of you for how you're carrying a giant baby but also still being a top mum at the same time.

I'm also quite proud of us without getting too soppy. Sixteen years in and still going strong. There is no one I'd rather sleep in separate beds with than you. 16 mlynedd yn ddiweddar ac yn dal i fynd yn gyffredinol. Nid oedd unrhyw un yn fwriadu gofio mewn ystafellau gwahanol â chi. Rwy'n dod yn ôl i'r llaw, wrth gwrs, os oes gennych chi'r bag ar fy ngwch. Roeddwn i'n gofio'r gws o'r bwys o'ch bwys. Felly, diolch am hynny. Yn ymlaen, gael sioe gwych.

A byddaf yn gweld chi'n fuan. Cari ti, tada. Awww! Cwt! Joe, and I'll see you soon. Carity, ta-da. Aww, cute. This is just so... I needed to show you. Oh, no. I'm going to have to do something for him for Valentine's Day now. Oh, for God's sake.

Did he forget your pot of orange? No, he didn't actually remember it. But I wondered why he was insisting on sneaking out to Lidl yesterday. I was like, we don't really need anything. When did he... I didn't even know it. But I wondered why he was insisting on sneaking out to Lidl yesterday. I thought we definitely need anything. When did he even, I didn't even know when Chris recorded that.

Yeah, because you're always together. How did you manage that? I just know when I was I'd rather sleep in some bed. God, he knows me. He knows me so well. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

What a mighty good man. Oh, we got some good eggs there, didn't we? Oh, they're sweet, sweet boys, aren't they? I hope everyone else gets a lovely message now. Yeah. Just message Chrissy if you want one. He'll send you one. Yeah, he'll do one for anyone.

We were saying we were slagging off Valentine's Day, weren't we? You said it was an absolute load of BS. We weren't slagging off our other half, so. No, no. They are great. Yeah, they are. Do you want to give Stefan a message back? No, no. They are great. Yeah, they are. Do you want to give Stefan a message back? There's no one I'd rather sleep in separate beds with.

There's no one I'd rather sleep than you. Not sleep with. There's no one I'd rather not sleep with than you. And that's the most, honestly, the most romantic thing he could say to me. Oh. I'm thrilled with that. He's having the time of his life, isn't he? I know.

I also love that you said happy anniversary, not happy Valentine with that. He's having the time of his life, isn't he? I know. I also love that he said happy anniversary not happy Valentine's Day. I know. It's not our anniversary. He said 16 years together. Yeah, but it's not our anniversary.

I think he just said the wrong word. God love him. I know. 16 years and going strong. He speaks two languages, bless him. He gets English wrong sometimes.

I can't believe it. I didn't even know he spoke actual with a Welsh accent. Did you not? No, I thought he was a bit like you. He's got a really strong accent.

He has a really strong Welsh accent. I know. And then he spoke to you in Welsh bit like you. He's got a really strong accent. He has a really strong Welsh accent. I know. And then he spoke to you in Welsh at the end. What did he say at the end? Love you.

Carrie too. Yeah. That is incredibly cute. It's all the love in the room here today, guys. Emma and I

really want to hear from you. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us,

respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod.com this is a wild episode this week isn't it i feel like we've been on here for about three hours we have we've been crying and all sorts but we're hitting up the um correspondence corner Corner. Correspondence Corner. All right. I don't know why I went Scottish. You've done a bit of... Have I?

Who's the guy from Austin Powers? Fat Bastard. Yeah, you've done a bit of that today. Have I? Slipping into it. It's because I actually sent a screenshot to my sister. Get in my belly. And it was my double chin.

And I said, who am I? And she said, you're a fat bastard. I mean, you are... You're the fat bastard. I mean, you are the fat bastard. Sorry if bastard offends you, but it's a wonderful word, really. After the fuck a cow incident, we asked you for your misheard lyrics and you did not disappoint. Deborah says, I used to think Sting was singing. Oh, God. Message in a brothel.

It's bottle. You're only getting it if you visit your local brothel it's bottle you're only getting it if you visit your local brothel Warren says my dad used to think that Craig David's bow selector

was re-e-wind when the postman posts the letter imagine Craig David wrote a song about the royal mail hitting up royal mail Imagine Craig David wrote a song about the Royal Mail. Hitting up Royal Mail. Also, every time a letter comes through, you're like, the letter.

I'm going to sing that now. Yeah. It was mine the other day. I was in the West Quay coming down the escalators. And it's the one that says, what's the song? Oh, damn it. That's really annoying. What was your one?

The song is, I can't think of the bloody song now. Not Jason Waterfalls. No. Who's Jason when he's, that's going to really piss me off. I'm going to have to think about that now. Oh, look, Vicky. I also thought TLC was singing about Jason Waterfalls. I think this is quite a common one.

It took me until my mid-twenties when I realised they weren't. We also had another message in about Jason Lewis so she found him on Facebook. No. Stop. There's not a real Jason Waterfalls. I don't believe it. I don't think there's a Jason Waterfalls.

They're taking the piss. They're taking the... You're taking the piss out of me. Danielle says, in the Steps track, 5, 6, 7, 8, I thought it was my boot scooting baby...

Wait, should I sing it? My boot scooting baby is driving me crazy my obsession with a western my dad's called dave my dad's called dave hello dave oh my god i wish my dad was called dave so i could sing that what is it my My dance floor date? My boot scootin' baby is drivin' me crazy. My obsession for a western. A dance for a day. Dance all day.

I thought it was dance floor date. Jackie says in the summer of 69, I swear Brian Adams was saying, I got my first real sex dream. Bought it at the five and dime that's a good one i really love that got my first real sex dream i've never had a sex dream six no have you i think it's much more common for boys oh is it i think so oh that's why i got my first real sex dream six string is it got my first real six string. Oh, isn't that the guitar?

A guitar, yeah. Lindy says, my three year old used to think that Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars. Uptown funky butt. Uptown funky butt. What is it? Uptown funk you up. Funk you up.

That's the name of the song. Oh, funky butt's way better. Yeah. Uptown funky butt. Said uptown funky butt. What? Uptown. Oh, Funky Butt's way better. Yeah. Up, down, funky butt. Up, down, funky butt. What? Up, down. Oh, that's really going to annoy me what song it was now that I was...

Well, maybe we'll have a think about it and we'll put you in the correspondence corner next week. Yeah, I'll get in there. Get in the bin. All right, I've got a message here. It says, hi, ladies. Just listening to your latest episode about going on holiday and swimming. I used to work at the Elfden Centre Parks. And I can tell you that there have been a few ladies who have gone into labor there oh no this is really scaring me because you know i had a center parks holiday booked before i knew

i was pregnant in march i'm going in march and i'm really scared i'm gonna go into labor there secretly i really want you to no why because i'm gonna be miles away from home and my hospital i don't want to this baby needs to be late or definitely not early she says one lady even came back straight after giving birth to enjoy her holiday with her newborn stop lots of love and best wishes in the last weeks of your pregnancies gabby from norfolk thank you gabby that's so incredibly kind of you thank you how wonderful though yeah that's phenomenal incredibly kind of you. Thank you. How wonderful, though. Yeah. That's phenomenal, isn't it? I wonder if she's actually delivered any babies.

I think she would have let us know maybe if she had. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club.

Here's my secret. Secret of the week. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't really think it's a secret. I don't really have anything funny to share with you this week. Don't tell me. This is more the honesty hour. I'm pregnant

sorry i don't know how i kept it quiet for so long it's the prize shawley um i've quit swimming what i just can't do it you've quit or the kids have quit the children oh no i just can't do it you can't go back there one i can't go back there i feel very embarrassed to i feel like there's a lot of for shizzle going on with the with the week i've had right and i've been honest haven't i today here together with you judge hand on the bible yeah um truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth exactly so help me god exactly uh and it's just all got too much we've spent a lot of time trying to get colby into a football club this week has been full- on with trying out all these clubs for him, trying to sort the renovation on the house,

trying to keep my head afloat. I just said, you know what? And Colby fucking hates it. Every week. And do you know what now is the common track of the week? Hope someone's took a shit in the pool. Yeah. Every Monday. He could just start doing it himself, like we said. Every Monday he wakes up and he says, is the common track of the week? Hope someone's took a shit in the pool. Yeah, well.

Every Monday. He could just start doing it himself, like we said. Every Monday he wakes up and he says, oh, I hope someone's had a shit. And I said, no one's going to poo in the pool today. And then he says, I hope they've had a wee.

Yeah, they're not going to stop you. There's too much chlorine in that bad boy. Yeah, a wee's not going to cut it. No, Dotsie just said, don't worry, I wee in there all the time and just swish it around. She thinks it's good for you, doesn't she? Exactly. And I'm going to take Claire's advice. It was Claire, wasn't, doesn't she? Exactly. And I'm going to take Claire's advice.

It was Claire, wasn't it? It was Claire, yeah. I'm going to take Claire's advice. Do you know what? And I'm just going to, we're just going to do it. Take them on holiday. Yeah, take them on holiday. They're going to have all their cousins with them.

My mum, my dad, me, Chrissy, my sister, the children. All my sisters can swear. And I thought, do you know what? Because I feel with Colby, sometimes the more pressure i put on him the more it stresses him out yeah and there's me like come on we've got to do swimming swimming's really important because it is really important it's a life lesson and i'm kind of like come on we've got to do this we've got to do it and in turn i think i'm stressing him out yeah because he's like oh god what about dotty she because she wasn't she can give or take she

doesn't care she doesn't care she's not missing it she's not asked at all no she's like if colby doesn't want to go then i won't go oh so i'm like cool well we can just do this together yeah so yeah that is it's more of a confession this week i thought chris was going to start taking them because he took them one chris has been taking them yeah but i just can't deal with the stress of colby waking up every monday morning just balls his eyes out and he lies in his bed now for ages i'm like what are you doing he's like he's putting it off i don't have to go swimming today do i i'm sick and i'm like oh it's not worth stressing him out it's not and if you're seven years old and that's the first thing you think of on a monday morning regardless of going back to school and seeing all your friends and all you can think of

is that swimming whatever i start to your week that's horrible isn't it and i said that to chris and when i said it to chris chris was like actually you are right yeah it's quite stressed because he must be stressed about it yeah mustn't he yeah i went through a bit of a phase of this of going into school for some reason when i was like nine or ten and i used to get so anxious about going into school i'd wake up in the morning like pretend to my parents that i was ill so i didn't have to go in i don't know what it was i'd liked school up until that point and then i just had like a really anxious period where i just i hated going into school and i'd make up any excuse to stay at home so i know how that feels when you're that's horrible yeah yeah that is incredibly sad so no it's more of a confession that i'm just not going to put myself through it

do you know what they They'll be fine. Like Claire from a couple of weeks ago, she said her kids were fine. Exactly. And I thought it might be really exciting as well. Once baby comes here and we can go down to have like family swim days, they might find it really exciting to be in the pool and doing it with him. You know? Because I think that'll be a nice distraction for them yeah

because they'll just be in the pool playing with the baby you know learning how to stay afloat i need to do is i need him to love the water rather than learn to swim yeah because if he like even just dips his toe in he freaks out yeah he goes all clammy starts shivering and shaking and he just hates the water yeah so i might it might be nice once the baby's here to have like a collective swim family family swim yeah i think that'd be quite cute yeah yeah i think i'm getting to that point with joseph to be honest like we haven't been to swimming lessons for about nearly a year i would say haven't you and he just like is not really up for it he doesn't like being cold and uncomfortable and i just think

what's the point in forcing it we'll just see how he gets on we've booked a holiday for this summer we'll just see how he gets on he's only two but i'm sure he'll be fine yeah and he's gonna have you and daddy anyway because it's not like we're gonna just leave them in the pool on their own you know no to defend for themselves defend fend is it defend and Fend. Fend. Fend for themselves. So yeah, that's, that's, do you know what? I feel like a weight. It's a weight off your shoulders. No, I feel like that was,

you know when you keep a secret from your friends, like the whole three months of your pregnancy at the start, you don't tell anybody. I feel like that's it now. It's out there. It's out there. It's over. It's over.

It's done. We're not coming back, man. We're not coming back. I'll keep you updated on our swimming journey, but it just, it's just not for us. Do you know what? You're not going to have time for that shit when you've got a newborn as well. No.

So better that you sack it off now, to be honest. But that's my secret. So next, we've got some Valentine's Day secrets. Valentine's Day or Valentine's? Secrets. I hope it's time for us to hear your secrets so emma hit us with number one all right this says hi both i have somewhat of a saucy secret to tell you did say you hope they're really raunchy.

My husband and I were in the shower enjoying some alone time whilst my daughter was napping. Oh, hello. But as my husband finished, he made a loud groaning sound. And my three-year-old daughter, who was very much not napping, knocked on the door and said, Mummy, is Daddy in there with you? She then barged into the bathroom to see us in our naked glory. I hastily said,

Yes. He needed his back to be washed and he couldn't reach it, so I'm helping him. She gave us an inquisitive look, then said, Okay, and walked out. Maybe we need to get a lock for the bathroom door.

Kelly! Kelly, you sick, dirty bitch! okay and walked out maybe we need to get a look for the bathroom door kelly kelly you you still see baggers i love that they just don't question they just stand there like okay okay because why would they think anything else obviously they don't know what's going on so they're just like okay i just what i just i just can't imagine me and chrissy being in this situation no no but i think i, get out my fucking shower. The shower one is actually quite a good. Wash your own back.

You dirty bastard. The shower one's quite a good excuse. Because like feasibly, they could be having a shower or a bath together and like nothing saucy be going on. So actually, that's actually quite a good cover up. But what if they were mid action? Oh, I mean, thank God he had. What if things were standing on edge? Well, thank God, as Kelly said.

Wow, that would take your eye out, wouldn't it? Finish. Wow, what the bloody hell's happening there? And definitely get a look for your bathroom door. Come on. If not for your bedroom, for your bathroom. If not for your bedroom, bathroom, your sanity. So somebody doesn't watch you take a shit.

It's when you wipe your bum, don't't you and they ask you so many questions and you're like or mine at the moment is because i'm constipated and where the baby is sat in such a position now because we are very much down there in the vaginal area i have to sit in a really weird angle so my poo comes out because he sat on i don't know what he sat on but he sat on something and it basically restricts my poo i thought you were doing it on all fours in the bar i was but we're back onto the bog now which is great yeah but it's when you know you sat and i rock i have to go really slowly to find the position then i find the bite it's like literally driving a car yeah the point and then it's time. And then somebody comes in and they're like, Mum, are you okay? Don't look at me while I'm taking a shit.

Don't look at me. You don't have a lock on your bathroom door then? No. And then they ask so many questions when you're wiping. And you're like, please. Just get out my ass. Please, I just need to wipe my starfish. Yeah, just five minutes.

Let me have some time with my starfish on my own. But no, it's... just get it for your sanity and your yeah saucy sauciness yeah oh love that for you kelly wet and wild quite literally so let's go on to number two all right it says hi soph and emma i'm a mum of two and so my partner and i rarely get any time alone a few years back we moved to new zealand and we love it here wow the only thing is we don't have any family to help with the kids we have plenty of amazing friends who offer to look after them but i can't help but feel uneasy at the thought of leaving them i know i can trust my friends but i just have this sinking feeling that i shouldn't leave them with

random folks yeah my partner and i would really love to have a date for valentine's day but as it stands it looks like the kids would have to come with us do you think I'm overreacting much love Sally right I feel like we could give two different perspectives I feel like we will because you love doing everything as a family and I love getting away from my child so quite different so your let's do yours first no I I totally get that feeling as well like I all jokes aside i'm sometimes uncomfortable about leaving joseph obviously that's like the natural feeling and i think if you don't have family like there's actually no one else i would probably trust leave him with yeah and so if you've only got friends that is hard yeah because it's just different with family you don't feel as much of a burden

asking them to look after your children because it's like their grandchild and they they like it um so if you if i only had friends yes i probably would feel differently about it but i think if it's just a few hours for a date for valentine's day there's nothing wrong with asking your friends to do that and i think your kids would be fine with it and also if it's something that you feel like is important to you then it's important that you do it to have that alone time with your partner and the fact that you are questioning it it means that you there's a little bit of you that kind of needs that time yeah and i i truly believe sometimes when i listen to my own mind is because i am so heavily involved and i do i personally am someone that doesn't like to spend time away from the children like the thought of being in the hospital right now is freaking me out that i don't

get to just go home and see the baby yeah like you don't crave that alone i i don't crave alone time no and that moment that i do i very much listen to my mind because i'll always come out that that there's something on my mind or playing on my mind that i feel like i need to talk about so it will always be that if me and chris were to go out just the two of us I seem to air so much of what's been on my mind so it's like my brain's telling me that you need that time and I think if you're thinking like that from my brain perspective I would say yes it's you need it you need it yeah yeah it's good it is good to have some time away from your kids you've it seems like you've had a bit of an overwhelming journey you know you've moved away yeah that's a lot isn't it and you've started your whole life again and rebuilt your whole life

yeah and we don't actually know how long you've been out there but by the sounds of things because you have made some really lovely friends you've been out there a little while so yeah there's a few years go easy on yourself yeah yeah yeah i think if you've got people you can leave yeah then it's really healthy to have some time just you and your partner the first time is always going to be the scariest yeah and that's and maybe just take just do a little just do two hours yeah and then you can build up but it's completely understandable to want that yes sure for sure yeah do you know try and do it we love that sally though thank you so much and valentine's day is the perfect excuse if you can't do it on valentine's

day when can you eh i'd be just go for a can't do it on Valentine's Day, when can you, eh? Just go for a drive in the car. Just say to the babysitter, can you just watch the, or your friend, can you watch the children? Just go around the block, get some itchy legs in the car. Bish bash bosh. You'll be done in 20 minutes. Yeah, you'll be back in five.

But no, all joking aside, we hope that you get some time yeah new time into number three all right this is the last secret it says hi ladies a few years back i ended up being a single mom of two so to mix it up a bit i went to a valentine's singles mixer as i was scanning the room i realized i was one of only two ladies at the event with around 15 men circling us. Hello. I think this is a common problem. This has happened to friends of mine who have gone like speed dating.

It's always like way more men than women. Oh. Which is an interesting thing. Very interesting statistics. Because you would think women would put themselves in that scenario. No, I think men are more willing to put themselves out there for things like that. Have you? No, but the one I'm thinking of specifically,

my friend went to a naked speed dating night. Fuck off! And it was like, similar to this. Bend over, show me your starfish. Show me your chocolate starfish. I mean,

it's a way to get to know someone, isn't it? But it was like, all men and two women. Because I think men have that confidence to put themselves out there, whereas naked,

especially naked. It's basically like this attraction program. What's that? Naked attraction. You love that? I do love that yeah er

anywho sorry she says one by one I started chatting to them but it seemed like each person was worse than the last

I don't want to sound mean but they were all wet blankets or just completely boring and honestly wasn't interested towards the end of the night and around five glasses

of wine deep, the other lady and I ended up sitting at a table and having a great time chatting. The men started flocking around us, and I was getting a bit fed up by being accosted all night. So with my newly found Dutch courage, I blurted out, so how many of you are virgins then?

The room fell silent for a second, so I carried on and said, because this fanny hasn't seen any action since I pushed my last son out. Whoa! The other lady and I burst out in laughter

whilst the men slowly backed away. I don't blame them to be honest. Although the night wasn't a success romantically I ended up with a really good friend.

Love the pod Lily. I was really hoping Lily was going to have a secret rendezvous with the woman. Oh that's what I thought it was going to be. Lily I feel like you missed an opportunity there. She's like fuck all the men. I thought she was just going to go a secret rendezvous with the woman. Oh, that's what I thought it was going to be as well. Lily, I feel like you missed an opportunity there.

She's like, fuck all the men. I thought she was just going to go for the boobies. I fell in love with the other woman. Oh, Lily. Don't worry, we're not judging you, Lily. But good on you, girl. That was a feisty one. Yeah.

I would not say that to a room of men, would you? Who's a virgin here then? Who's a virgin? Because this pussy ain't seen no action as soon as you start talking about pushing babies out of your vagina the men are like back the fuck back they just they're like um have you ever seen that program with the the really fast snail and he's called white lightning no but then what i was thinking of was the when he backs the homer simpson gif where he just like disappeared into the bushes okay

okay back the fuck out of here slowly removing myself from the situation yeah the moment you

mentioned pushing the baby out your poo poo they can't relate good way to get rid of a guy on the night out honestly honestly

or piles in your ass yeah that works just saying you know that works a treat Good way to get rid of a guy on a night out. Honestly, honestly, or piles in your ass. Yeah. That works. Just saying, you know, that works a treat. Yes. Thank you, Lily. Oh, Lily, thank you so much.

That's a lovely story though, isn't it? Yeah. I love that. So thank you for your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah, if you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with secret mom pod on tiktok and instagram have you drunkenly ended a singles mixer or has your groaning partner woken up the baby

groaning let us know there really is nothing too outrageous and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.