Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Wild Urination

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Be warned... this episode is full of surprises, and they aren't for the faint of heart. Firstly, we find out that Dottie isn't the only tooth-yanker out there, and then we have a secret with so many twists that you should definitely be sat down for this one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile. We are back for the Secret Mum Club. I couldn't go lower than that. Hello, it's the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome back to your Thursday's Big Dick episode. No, I'm kidding. We just had dick last week, didn't we?

Hopefully there's no big dicks this week. But anyhow, over to Emma. I think it was giant willy. Just go for the big dick. Go for the big dick. It's where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Hopefully squeezing no willies. All comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories. Keep keep you going through the weekend so shall we jump on in

so we're gonna hit up the correspondence give me a c give me an o give me an r give me another r it's too the word's too long it's too long it's gonna take forever all right this one's from taylor says hello mummies i just listened to the tooth yanker episode with dotty pulling her teeth out and i just wanted to share a very similar experience of my own a couple of months ago my four-year-old lost her first tooth that's young isn't it everybody says that i knew you were gonna say that's so cliche yeah because everyone says it's like six or seven doesn't really matter does it because i was saying that i felt like dotty was young as well because she's

five isn't she she's a big five to be fair she's pulling them out herself though so she just wants the money money money uh she says i went into full-blown panic as a few days before she slipped in the swimming pool changing rooms and fell faced fell face first off a bench oh my god shit there was blood everywhere after my initial panic we had calmed her down all seemed fine but a tooth had fallen out i booked a dentist appointment just to check her out the dentist assured me she was okay and that the tooth had fallen as a result of the fall oh that's why and the tooth next to it was also wobbly and likely to fall out soon but not to worry she also said she's too young for adult teeth yet so she'll just have the gap for a while it turns out the dentist was completely wrong she then got two more wobbly teeth and we could see another tooth poking through the gum wow wow very advanced that is very advanced love that

my daughter slowly over a few days began pulling her wobbly teeth out and she would also laugh while doing it it's like dotty now we are two weeks away from the next dentist appointment where we have four baby teeth lost and two adult teeth in their place i do wonder what goes through her head sometimes to laugh while pulling out teeth feels so much better knowing it's not just my child who has done this i don't i don't i don't know why we had the haha i hope you're locking the fucking door when you're going to bed oh my god that's dots wasn't it i just need the fire yeah just like give me another five maniacally laughing while she does it like a psychopath wow so she's um she's popping the teeth out and she's younger than dottie as well to be fair

though colby lost his teeth and he had a gap for a good year really he didn't grow teeth for ages how old was he i actually got to the point where i thought i don't think he's ever going to grow teeth imagine they just never came back and then he grew one and not the other one so now the other one's a slight slightly bit shorter oh tiny bit shorter yeah how old was he when he lost his first one he was six yeah yeah but he lost colby grew his teeth really quickly he used to get like four teeth at a time so he'd go two and then another two and then there'd be two already at the top and he grew his teeth like in a matter of yeah because now he's got like full adult teeth and then his other ones started falling falling out but then they fell out

rapidly so he lost two then as quickly as they came was as quick as like dominoes honestly yeah whereas dotsy's was a little bit slower she was a little bit more gappy for like she had not many milk teeth when she was little up until she was probably about colby had a full set of teeth by like what he walked it nine months and then by a year he had a full set of teeth yeah no way not shitting you it was mental that looked weird on such a small well he was walking so to me it only looked like he was well i say to me he was short so he walked at nine months he just looked older than he was probably so he just looked really small for his age so he looked like a two-year-old but he just looked tiny yeah yeah he had a full set of teeth well i want to say 13 months he had a full set of teeth whereas dotty i

don't think had all of her milk teeth until she was started preschool at two and even then i don't think she had one of her molars or two of her molars at the back yeah but she took a lot longer but i just found it hilarious colby just used to shoot teeth like his teeth just used to come in like chewing on steak when he was one year old wow yeah wow he was yeah it was mad it's mad how they're just born with all their teeth in their head already i had a dream about this baby being born with his teeth oh i know it's so weird i want to know if anybody's actually happened to anybody but i think babies can be born with teeth because they have all their teeth buds don't they something so weird i don't know anybody that's done it no i do find it funny though when people take like they have their brand new babies that are coming out of like have you ever seen those videos when people

when they're literally coming out of the fufu and then the baby just turns and they caught those false smile like veneer it's obviously an app you know when they put it on it's a filter yeah yeah god imagine freak you out wouldn't it i would i also wanted to stop breastfeeding before joseph got teeth because i just thought i can't with the bitey nips i know people do do it and it's fine but i just thought that my mom and dad knew they had friends who had friends that breastfed until the children were like four and six. Wow, really? She was breastfeeding them, yeah.

Gosh. I don't know, that's, it's hard, isn't it? Because, you know, everybody's each to their own, but I just don't think I could have a full, I couldn't have a doctor sat on my boob now. When they're so big. She's, yeah, one was six and one was, yeah, four. Wow. But I think she boobied them as well because she was also, and she was pregnant, she was pregnant.

So when the new baby comes, she was just breastfeeding all of them. It's mad that the milk just keeps coming for as long as you need, isn't it? Like six years worth of breast milk. I've done a lot of looking at boobie feeding because of what you said. Yeah, what are you thinking? Still undecided. Still not ready to fuck a cow. Again, if you've not listened to Monday's episode,

please do go back. No, I don't know. I keep thinking about it. And then I keep thinking, I did watch Kelly Enos, who's a lady on TikTok. She's just had a little girl and she's exclusively expressing.

But she talks quite openly and honestly about her journey. And she said she's found it quite difficult to exclusively express i'd say that's quite hard work yeah which you wouldn't think would you just think oh you just put them on obviously she's explaining insanely well now so i've watched her videos and she's she's broken it down and now you sit and think i was naively like what i'm gonna do is just shove some pumps on and away we go no but it's like double the work yeah because you either give them a, but it's like double the work. Yeah.

Because you either give them a bottle and it's done, you breastfeed them and it's done. But with expressing, it's like double the thing. You've got to get the milk out and then you've got to still feed it to them. Still feed them, yes. It's like double the amount of time. So respect to her for exclusively doing it.

But she wanted to do it. But I think she's found out, I think she tried to boob, but she wasn't latching. And then I think it was, I could be speaking completely wrong so i'm sure kelly would tell me if i am but i think she's found out that she might be tongue tied or lip tied or something like that but i don't think she's taken on to the boobie very well which is why kelly but she still wants to give her the best she still wants to give her yeah because her she's already got a little boy and she wanted to offer the same the same time yeah of course of course and i think sometimes when you have your heart

set on something as well for me it wasn't about i had never set my heart on having being breastfeeding the children it wasn't something i ever wanted to do nor did i have a birth plan so for me i was never disappointed or never felt like i let myself down or never felt like a failure because i didn't put the expectations on myself but now when i at now that i am a mum and i watch other people and i think people put so much pressure on themselves to to breastfeed and want it so bad that it's it's hard isn't it it's hard because i just think oh don't put that pressure on yourself just let it it's hard not isn't it? It's hard because I just think, oh, don't put that pressure on yourself. Just let it. It's hard not to though.

Yeah, it is hard. I definitely felt that. Like I wanted to do it so bad. And then when I couldn't, I just felt like terrible. And I didn't want to do a bottle or give formula for some reason. And then when we ended up doing it really early on,

because Joseph was such a big fat hungry greedy baby and i couldn't feed him enough breastfeeding i was like why didn't we do this first why didn't we do this before like it made it so much easier i think for me it's mine's like a that sounds a bit crazy doesn't like a control thing like mine was the fact that i could make a four ounce bottle and know how much he or she drank yeah whereas the boobie can't do that and i think because i always wanted to know how much they were eating so that when the next bottle came around or if they didn't make the next four hour feed why weren't they making the next yeah well it's only because instead of taking two ounces she's only yeah one ounce you know

it's easier to measure it for sure i understand why people like that part about it there's pros and cons there is pros and cons but either way whatever's your way is perfect yeah you've got to do you boo boo and has dots lost any more teeth since we last spoke she hasn't we're good yeah we're all good on the teeth front we're still fully fledged teeth only two down all right one more message here it says hello ladies congratulations on the babies thank you i'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with identical twins stop it girls and boys wow i don't know um and just heard the poor story of the girl cheering her mum on after a poo i would love it if someone could cheer me on as i'm very

constipated i need a little cheerleader to help me through the pain haha love the podcast kelsey well kelsey i'll share a little fun fact with you last night i have been we keep talking about the fact that i'm just i can't eat anything other than either greek yogurt and fruit and granola or crumpets that's all i live off is crumpets so it's backed me the fuck up yeah i am backed up to britain honestly and i now go to the toilet right not only have i got my enlarged liver which I'm not going to compare it to having twins in there because two babies, there's no comparison really with one in there enough for me with my enlarged liver at the moment.

But I went to go for a poo last night. Why am I fighting a tiny human in my stomach? I'm trying to push out my shit. He's kicking me in the rib. I was trying to, I said to Chris, I can't poo in here. He's beating me up. He was literally like, I tried to clench to squeeze the poo. And he's like this.

No. No. So every time I'm trying to poo, he wouldn't let me poo. So I sat there for 25 fucking minutes trying to poo. And he was just having another. I swear he just stood with his feet, feet down in my poo-poo, arms out. Why doesn't he want you to poo and he was just have another i swear he just stood with his feet feet down in my foo-foo arms out why doesn't he want you to poo i don't know he obviously didn't like me clenching my stomach but i reckon he can feel it when you're straining must be able to yeah

because i'm straining so fucking hard to get the shit out everything's contracting i'm pulling the say oh do you know what he might think that you're trying to strain to get him out and he's putting his hands against the wall like no i'm not ready i'm not ready i'm not ready yet baked yeah i don't know what he was doing but he is he does not like it when i need a poo wow so now it just comes out like rabbit droppings yeah just goes like little balls yeah tiny out so i don't get a full don't get full clear out i don't get a full clearance so i feel you i mean kelsey pregnant with twins as well they're bound to be squashing up your old intestine yeah that's why you're playing with your large intestine couldn't they i think they're in the same bit but yeah are they not i thought they could touch them everything's just squashed isn't it yeah like

the baby's 32 weeks with twins that's a long way to go with twinnies as well yeah they're probably gonna i wonder if they're coming out soon. They're going to come early. Yeah. Oh, please let us know. Well, you can do it. And do we want to know? You can do it, Kelsey.

We want to know if it's boys or girls. Yeah. Identicals. Identical, yeah. Yeah, if it's identical boys or identical girls. But yeah, do let us know how long you're going. You can do it. So thank you for all your messages.

If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Next, it's time for one of your secrets after a prune. That's what she needs. She needs a prune. After a prune. After a poo break for Kelsey.

Is it even for Kelsey? It is for Kelsey. But do take some prunes if you do need a poo and we'll see you back after number two. We're back. Boo.

We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. You're all so good at sharing. What have you got for us today, Emma? All right, we've got one here. Jones. Emma Jones, Emma Jones, calling Emma Jones, Emma Jones, Emma Jones. What's up now?

What's up now? Okay. This one says, hi, Safina and Emma. Something happened to me yesterday that I am not proud of. Shit, chef. I was picking up my seven and nine-year-olds from an after-school drama club, which is 20 minutes away from home. Upon arrival, I realized I was desperate for a wee,

and after three kids in four years, Wow, go on now. my ability to hold has never been quite the same. Wow, yeah, I'm not surprised. There was a derelict building opposite the drama studio where I had parked, and so I decided I would take a quick wild wee. We love a wild urination. I went round the back of the building,

checked there were no CCTV cameras, squatted down, and much to my surprise... Oh, God. This is a twist. Plot twist. I delivered a gigantic shit. I was part laughing and part scared someone would see me. Ha ha!

Ha ha! Oh, God! It's the unexpected poo. To my surprise. To my surprise. I'm taking a shit in the wild. It's not even in the wild. It's a building opposite the drama studio.

We're not in the new forest here. In the middle of a town somewhere, I would imagine. Thankfully, I have some tissue in my pocket. That's because you've got four children. So I finished up, grabbed some hand sanitizer from the car door and went to collect my boys with a smile on my face. Did she leave the poo? I played with herself as well.

I love how happy she is. I thought she was one going to hand you back her bum hole. I don't know what was happening with the chocolate starfish. What are we doing with the poo? Have we left the poo? Yeah, I think so. She said, I don't know why, but I told my boy about the wild poo. My seven-year-old then announced this.

That he could see it from across the road. As I was so proud of the size of my delivery. As I was so proud of the size of my delivery, I walked him around the back of the building to see it. Fuck. Rape my poo, kids. This has gone so much further than I ever thought. This has really escalated.

Oh, stop the car. My baby hurts. Oh, my God. He turned the corner, stopped, smirked, and without saying anything, he walked back to the car, shaking his head. On the drive home, I was reiterating to him that he was not to tell anyone.

He said he understood and agreed. Fast forward 20 minutes, we arrive home. He walked into the house and said to his four-year-old sister, who is a right gossip, you won't believe the size of the poo mum did in the car park. It was like a pink poo emoji. Oh, gosh. I hadn't noticed, but I...

Oh, my God. I hadn't noticed, but I'd eaten a large quantity of beetroot. I... So she had... Not only did she shit, noticed but I had eaten a large quantity of beetroot the night before. So she had, not only did she shit in a car park, she had a bright pink poo. What? And she hadn't even noticed. She said, I had a large quantity of beetroot the night before and thinking back... This is so well written. Thinking back, my turd was a little pink.

I'm now petrified I'm going to be the talk of the playground and the story of my pink poo will haunt me for a long time. Love, love, love, listening to you both. Anonymous. What a fucking cop-out. Tell us your full name and location guilty conscience guilty as charged

all I just want to know about the derelict building there's going to be builders that are going to turn up to a big crust of big shit that's going to have just amalgamated to just this rock hard unicorn boot just hanging out with this unicorn shit today. She hadn't noticed the shit was bright pink. How did she, did she wipe?

She's obviously not a wipe and lurk. I wipe and lurk. She had dishy with her. Exactly. So how do you know how much you wiped if you don't lurk? Do you know what would be amazing? I don't think it was a clean break. I think this is why she felt quite, yeah, I think this is why she felt so satisfied.

What do you mean, is this a clean break? Magic poo. Stop it. Magic poo, No wiping required. Fuck. The best. So what? She's wiped.

There's nothing even there. Maybe. It's not only has she had an unpromptu poo. Yeah. She's also had a clean break. But she's gone back to have a look at it and not even realize that it's pink. I'm taking the children back to rape them. Extra points for the color, I see.

Honestly, name yourself. Because you... We had Claire for president, but unfortunately we're going to have to... Yeah, sorry. We're going to have to demote you, Claire. And we're going to have to put Anonymous forward for president. Anonymous for president. For her unicorn shits.

Oh, my God. It's so fluffy, I'm going to die! I can't breathe. My ribcage is hurting so much. Have you had a pink emoji... Oh, God. Oh, God, look at you! I can't breathe. My rib cage is hurting me so much. Have you had a pink emoji poo? Oh, God. Oh, God, look at you.

Have you had a pink emoji poo in the wild? Oh, no. It's a long shot, but let us know. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back first thing. We'll be back first thing on Monday. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.