Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Water Had Shot Up My Hole

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Sophiena and Emma are back together again, discussing birthday celebrations, STIs and discoloured kitchen utensils. There’s more brilliant stories from you, including a close call at a water park, that wasn't what it seemed, and more itchy legs shenanigans. Plus you’ve been sharing your secrets on unwanted babysitters, potty training and your CBeebies crush. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Yeah, you can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mum club how's your week been soph it's been a wild week yeah i've had quite a busy week you have i have well from what i've been stalking on your instagram we love to stalk each other it's the only way i find out what you're up to because we're not not allowed to text. Can you see that I'm really concentrating? Because somebody made that I always talk over Emma, so now I'm just staring into her soul. Do you need to talk?

Listen, I wasn't going to say anything. But I really feel overlooked. It's my face on the door. It's my face on the door, baby. Is it? I feel like it's even, Stephen. Yeah. I feel like.

No, no no you carry on i want you to tell me though if i talk too much i will tell you don't worry you'll appreciate you'll know about it okay anyway back to me i've had a really luscious week yeah it's been colb's birthday yeah of course i turned the big seven how was that i feel like it's a really lucky age, number seven. Lucky number seven, yeah. I love seven and eight. They're my lucky numbers.

Oh, really? Yes. I feel like this is a good year for him. Yeah. Good lucky number seven, but we had a good time. What did you get up to? We had a celebration for my mum and dad's wedding anniversary. Yeah.

Is that 40 years? No. We thought it was, didn't we? Because we were talking about your mum. My mum and dad have just had their 40 years. My mum and to just have their 39 oh doing something big for the big three nine big three nine it was only like a dinner oh we just had a little surprise dinner yeah she wants the moldeves next year so yeah you're gonna have to do something pull it out the bag for the ruby i've got a year to plan but no it was really lovely we had a little surprise um a little

surprise lunch for her that my dad had arranged us all to be. We had a little surprise lunch for her that my dad had arranged us all to be there. Went to a little tea room. And the cutest thing of all, I did put this on Instagram, so you've probably seen it. But they did babies. I know.

Isn't that the most adorable thing? Little baby afternoon tea. Oh, it was absolutely adorable. Did the kids love it? Yes, they did love it. Loved it? They did love it. They did love it.

But it was nice because we were outside, but it was hoonying with rain. But they were so accommodating. They then took us in inside and they gave us a whole little, like this little cubby hole. They gave us a whole section. A little private area. Honestly, last minute as well. How stunning was that?

I love that. It feels really special when you have like your own little section. Even when you get like a booth at a restaurant, I think that always feels nice. You feel fancy as fuck, don't you? Like, don't look at us guys. We're kind of kind of a big vip in here kind of a big deal so we had that to celebrate and then yeah we had then had colby's birthday so what did you do for the for the big seven okay this is again confession time safe space okay yeah it's just safe space we're all sharing this care yes so i had this big set idea that i was going to do parties parties this year i didn't do either i haven't done either a party

not given out any i don't really know how to work this so i had great intentions to have these really great parties okay i was looking into them i was going to do them like i was fully prepared to have these parties and i thought you know what no fuck it neither of us seeing these children again we're not going back to the same schools are we oh we're going to completely new schools so colby's going to middle school yeah he's going to a new junior school somewhere completely different and dotty's starting a new primary school new primary school not with any of the friends that she went to preschool with so you're just sucking them all off now i did never gonna see them again sacked it off i just thought you know what and you know what he's got used to the idea that he's not gonna see them again so i was like why am i gonna go

and introduce them back in two weeks into the holiday oh here's the friends you could have had yeah but your mom didn't let you never gonna see did. It's weird having a party in the summer holidays because that was obviously always the case for me and probably you as well. So it was always a weird one because you'd left school already so you couldn't really give your invites out. A lot of people went on holiday.

There was no point really. I think that's why I hate having my own parties now. I'm probably scarred by no one ever coming to my birthday party because it was in the summer holidays. And you've got that with Colby and not with dotty no she's september well but her first day of school is her birthday how is it yeah so it's really difficult because it's a bit like now what do i do but i did give colby the choice so we talked about it and i was like look this is

what we could do and he chose to have the day with his cousins so it was just and that's how it has always been and he done all the things that he really wanted to do and he said he have the day with his cousins so it was just and that's how it has always been and he done all the things that he really wanted to do and he said he had the best bath day so that works out better for you as well to be honest because you don't want 20 sweaty boys running around your house so we basically went out to went for a nice walk and then we did some crabbing we had a picnic i took a massive picnic out to the park we had a huge picnic and then they did some crabbing and it was great and yet they had all day together he had all day with his cousins and he loved to catch any crabs i've never had crabs have you do you know what i was thinking this is a personal question is it i've never had crabs no i feel like it's

very i've never had an sti. Have you? Yeah. Have you? Chlamydia is the common one. Is BV a STI? I don't know what that is. Bacterial vaginosis. But you can buy medication for that in the super drugs. I went past it yesterday and I was like, oh, how iconic. They've got BV drugs here.

I know what that is. What, bacterial vaginosis? Is it like thrush? It's a bit like a, smelly fufi oh well that's yeah that's not like an sti i don't know i don't think i've had an sti i haven't either i don't know i felt like when i used to go to have an sti check that i always kind of wanted one like when i was younger like in my in my teens everyone's easily could have got chlamydia no i've never had it that was going around at uni when i was at you was it yeah because they used to

do like checks they used to do screening to make sure that they caught people with it because i think it can actually make you infertile like it can be serious oh my god but that's one of the more common ones i feel like it's very rare to have had crabs let us know if you've had crabs get in touch isn't crabs just like nicks for your fufu yeah but i think that's quite rare not do they actually look like a... I think so, yeah. Not like one that you would get out of the sea. Ocean?

No. What, it comes to the size of it. What, in your foo-foo? Well, it looks like crabs. Not like a big one. But it's still got to resemble looking like a big crab. Yeah, I think it's like... But miniature version.

Yeah, but I think it's like a knit size. Stop it. Like tiny, tiny, tiny. Right, should we Google this? Yeah, or again, but I think it's like a knit size. Stop it. Like tiny, tiny, tiny. Right, should we Google this? Yeah, or again, like I say, if you've had experience, first-hand experience of this, do let us know.

Or any funny stories. You can stay anonymous. And I would like to see some pictures. If you've got any pictures of your crabs zoomed in. Have you ever zoomed in on a head lice? That's a whole different party for another day. I feel like this took a turn from Colby's lovely birthday celebrations. Sorry about the sti chat and we're back in the room um

what were we saying colby had a birthday yes um it was very lovely we've just had a really busy time we've had some family days like i feel like there's been a lot of occasions in a short amount of time but the weather was beautiful we had a couple of days where the weather was great so i feel like we just embarked on the great weather it's annoying because i feel like you have like we had two days basically last week when the weather was nice then it was shit again then it was raining again do you know what i realized the other day you know it's been a terrible summer when you haven't shaved your armpits for like two months yeah sometimes i just challenge myself how long can i let my underarm hair get

because if you're not wearing summer clothes nobody needs to know i was tan for such a short amount of time and now it's just gone it's gone maybe we'll have a hot summer a september an indian summer what did i say a hot summer yeah no summer's summer's gone summer is gone hot september september yeah that's nice when you get a nice September, isn't it? You need something to see you through to winter, I think. Yes. You know?

Yeah. But any, that was my week. I feel like there was so much stuff that you know when you do too much stuff and you kind of forget.

You can't actually remember it. Yeah. I'm trying to sit here now looking deep into your soul like, did you watch my Instagram? Can you tell me what happened last week?

I have been watching your Instagram. There was a lot. I've actually got a question. Oh, hit me um which i've been meaning to ask you from watching your instagram stories but you're not allowed to text me do i'm not allowed to text you so we have to save it for the pod um do you wear fresh pajamas every night no i don't but i wear knickers because i feel like every night that you do an Instagram story from bed you have new pajamas on I wear jammies two nights okay so some nights I'll push it to three depends how hot

I've been in the night I feel like you've always got a fresh pair on and I'm always looking at you thinking you're gonna think I'm a dirty bitch because no I wear my pajamas for like a week but I don't get to see you but yeah but you you don't wear them to bed well i take them off when i get into bed yeah exactly yeah so i it wouldn't matter would it because you're only wearing it like a lounge in house clothes but i think if i was putting it on instagram for the world to see i would feel pressure to update them more often because people would be like you've had those pajamas on for like six days i just really love fresh pajamas yeah i do but i also don't love the amount of laundry that comes with it i just feel like you must be doing laundry all the time that's another part of my instagram

stories all the time i do laundry but i put the babies in fresh pajamas every night oh do you put joseph in the same pajamas he but he's milky though isn't one or two nights with a baby grow yeah i used to change them every even when they were babies yeah it normally is every night to be fair because he's wearing like a nappy and stuff i'm not pissing the bed so i'm all right yeah you know i don't know i am sometimes if i've had a few drinks maybe just pop up puppy pet down puppy puppy puppy pet down that's fucking that's so hard to say pop a puppy pop pop a puppy pad puppy pop what am i having what pop a puppy pop a putty pud fuck get out get out my head pop a puppy pad down there we go got there in the end but yes that was this is basically a reflection of how my week's been. Chaotic. It was just so much.

I just can't remember. So tell me. Tell me about yours and then something of mine maybe fresh. Do you know what? I get the same thing. I feel like I do quite a lot and then I just can never remember what I've been up to. But we've had our in-law staying. Nice.

So Stefan had a couple of weeks of work where he needed to go away. So over that period, we had my mum and dad come and stayed for a week and looked after the baby so that I could still go to work. And then the second week, Stefan's mum and dad came to stay so that I could still go to work. So really grateful, obviously, for the grandparents to be doing the hands-on care. But I tell you what, it's a challenge, sharing your house with people when it's normally just me, Steph, and the baby.

It's hard to have, yeah, in your space. It's hard to have other people always there. And, like, doing really helpful things, like cooking dinner and, you know, really helping out with, like, the stuff I normally have to do. Yes. Like, thinking of what to have for dinner is the bane of my fucking life. So that was nice but you know when someone else is just like using your kitchen

yes and not cleaning up in the right way and I'm I'm like you I'm quite particular so like there were just things that I feel like when it's your parents you can be a bit more direct and my family are quite direct so like if my mom and dad so you'd be happily just shut them down like stop fucking doing that. Yeah, say for example, they kept putting their cup of tea down without a coaster and leaving stains all over my furniture. You know, I would mention that.

Is that what follows them around the house with like a cloth and a bit of sift? Just constantly buffering out the kitchen worktops. Get a coaster. Use a mat. Take one of these home. Honestly, I've got my secret mum club coaster there nobody's taking the hint but when it's your in-laws it's a little bit more sensitive and i feel like you can't be as direct is stefan being direct with them like you're

really kissing emma off stop no they're all very very polite to each other's faces so i don't they think obviously they think i'm very direct and brutal so i'm trying to i don't know where they got that i'm trying to scale that back a bit you know um but it's it's hard to but you don't come across in like a you're just you're very it's very nice the way you come across no you're joking everyone thinks i'm extremely aggressive you're not aggressive to me though no but we haven't lived together we're getting married if we did yeah well i'm your maid of honor and we moved to france together uh no i feel like if we did share a house we would get along because we'd be on the same we're kind of on the same level i feel like we're like cleaning and stuff and we're both very like

if something's bothering us we'll just say it and not be offended no just move on yeah whereas like i feel like with stefan's family i can't be that no direct i kind of have to go around the houses a little bit but i did call out his dad when he made a curry with turmeric in it and used all of my wooden utensils so now absolutely everything everything in my kitchen is yellow but you know apart from that how was the curry it was delish and i didn't have to think of what to have for dinner that night so i was grateful um it's just very hard isn't it i think everyone can relate to that it's very hard having somebody like the first night it's really fun isn't it yeah and then the second night it's like oh this is cute we can have another glass of wine in the

third night you're like fuck this get out of my house it was hard it pissed me off my mom was there as well because joseph loves my mom like more than me like if she's there he'll choose nanny um and me and stephan had just come back from a wedding where we'd left him again with the in-laws for the weekend so he hadn't been around me for a while so he was a bit pissed off that i'd left him for the weekend for the wedding and then as soon as we came home my mom and dad came down to look after him so he was like he was playing me basically yeah and he was like cozy we came home my mum and dad came down to look after him so he was like he was playing me basically yeah and he was like cozying up to my mum and being like nanny nanny this and then you look at them like you and i was like you normally i'm your number one are you mugging me

off honestly he was absolutely he's so cheeky as well like i would look at him and he would literally look away and be like no nanny and like cuddle into my mum he's played you he's absolutely played me played you like a fiddle but you know what once they left like I'm crawling back

of course he did so I'm back in the number one spot now and you took him in with open arms didn't you because you're a sucker you can't you can't deny them eyes

you can't resist those eyes and those chubby legs thank god nanny's gone yeah honestly I was like mum get out honestly don't fucking come back this is becoming a problem unless you're going gonna start paying the mortgage and now even when she's gone

he's always asking for nanny where's nanny where's nanny i'm like forget about nanny so your sister's little boy then is he as close to your mom yeah he is because they live not far away from each other three doors down from each other so that's a quite an intense relationship yeah so that but i think actually though because he sees her all the time he kind of takes her for granted yeah whereas like when joseph gets to see her gets to oogle her up it's the excitement it's like nanny's here and now every time we go to our front door he's like nanny like is nanny gonna be inside no darling it's the postman no you can go with fuck nanny it's me again now all right right? It's mum or bust.

Me and you. Survival of the fittest. That's it. I'll take you down. Well, it sounds like you had a lush week, though. Yeah, it was, you know, highs and lows. Highs and lows. Highs and lows.

I know you're back. Oh, well, I can't even fucking tell you what happened in my week. It's been so fucking high that I've got no idea what the fuck happened. What day of the week even is. It's been so high. I can't remember anything. Emma and I want to hear from you. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club.

You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. And we have an email here, Safina. I was about to say, it's that time of the day. This one says, hi, Safina and Emma. I'm new to your show and I love it.

Thank you very much. Thank you. You two have had me giggling. Regarding the itchy leg times, I had a similar experience when my eldest son, who was around seven or eight at the time, walked in on my husband and I having itchy legs. Oh no.

He asked what we were doing and my husband just said, I'm cuddling mummy. Son, it's 23 now and he's never spoken about it again from Angie. I'm not surprised. Angie.

Do you know what? I've absolutely got real fear now of having itchy leg time. One, may I just add that the other day me and Chris had a day to ourself and somebody the amount of people that messaged me was like oh bit of afternoon itchy legs because the the children were out with my brother and I was like you dirty buggers thinking I'm getting some I'm not doing that in the afternoon bit of afternoon

itchy legs afternoon delight but now I have absolute fear of when we do actually do that. I now just panic about the whole itchy leg situation. Like I've got this massive fear in my head about the itchy legs now. Because also your children are at the age where. They don't sleep. They don't sleep. And they would know. Like I think in both the stories we've had.

No. The kids have been like seven or eight. So that's Colby's age now. Yeah, but they don't know what. They wouldn't know what was going on. No. But they would be like. Jesus fucking Christ, I was going to say.

No. They watch YouTube, but Jesus, that's a bit far. I don't think. But they would know something was going on. Do you know what I mean? You'd have to explain it to them. They'd be like, mum and daddy, what are you doing? Yeah, they'll think you're play fighting, won't they?

Yeah. They'll be like, well, let's all join in. Woo. like mum and daddy yeah they'll think you're play fighting won't they yeah they'll be like well let's all join in i think i'm cuddling mummy is more believable than the original itchy legs which was i'm scratching mummy's legs yeah i'm scratching you know i don't know because chris scratches my back i'll scratch that's what you call it i'll scratch your back oh poor boy's traumatized though oh but is he okay now, though? 15 years later, he's still not talking about it. I wouldn't bring it up again. He doesn't...

He's never spoken about it. He's never spoken about it since, and he's 23 now. Oh, Angie, have you tried to bring it up? I wouldn't bring it up again if it was my mum and dad. You wouldn't want to, would you? I don't know. Sometimes my mum, like, veers into that, like, territory of conversation, and I'm like, stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it stop it i don't know yeah like are your parents still having i think they are itchy legs i think so are they yeah mine sleep in separate rooms i mean stephan's sleeping separate rooms but you know how that goes she's at it all the time guys during the day in the kitchen on the stairs all right moving on i've got another email here it says i've just listened to last week's episode and although i'm not a mum yet i desperately want to be one day and now hitting my 30s has made this even more so the reason i'm writing in is i can totally relate to safina's issue in the bath but slightly different oh i went to portugal with my partner in the spring and being the big kids that we are we went to a water park nice nice now just a small backstory here but me

and my partner never talk about me pooing or farting or anything like that my sister was in a relationship like that where they like didn't ever fart in front of each other for like decades wow are they they're not still together no wow did she is she with somebody new now that farts no but i just don't know how you could keep it secret for that i honestly would self-combust you got you gotta go you gotta go when you gotta go sorry about that sorry um i don't know why it's just a running joke that i don't poo anyway we went on the biggest water slide we could find and when i tell you it was terrifying it was a vertical drop down into the water. I went first and when I got to the end, as I stood in pure fear, I felt the sudden urge to go to number two. To the point where I thought, oh shit, this could happen right now, right here.

I ran to the toilet telling him the water slide had made me need a wee from the fear. When I got there and sat down, you know, did the the business it wasn't what I thought it was water had shot up my hole and was desperate to come out I've never been so shocked in all my life and I told my partner that it was that it went up my other hole because I could never tell him it was actually my bum from anonymous I wish I've got such a dry mouth from laughing so hard oh my god it was an anal douche this is like what happens to you in the bath but the other hole i'm not gonna lie there was one point in the story that i was hoping that she

shit herself on the flume i know i know that's really bad but i would have absolutely been i would have helped out if i'd seen anything you know because also i think getting the excuse of getting out of the pool to go for a wee is bullshit because people piss you were just in the pool right no one's getting out of the pool but can you imagine if you thought maybe it was just a trump because i get down with the trumpets quite regularly went for it and i just gush of water out of my bum so much water's gone up your bum hole that you feel like you need a poo you're gonna shit yourself i would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the toilet that is some slide that sounds disgusting but i didn't mean it like that but you know what i mean? Wow. That was some slide. And some bum hole.

And one size of your bum hole. Wow. That is wrong. One whopping bum hole. I wonder if they're still together. I hope so. Do let us know. When was this?

Last week. In the spring. I really hope they are still together know when was this last week in the spring i really hope they are still together i was gonna say it's not a dumpable offense is it jet of water out of the butthole i can't breathe i had a lot of comments on the bath story that you told last week you actually had people reach out to emma thought i was actually crazy about yeah well no i just i hadn't experienced it so i couldn't relate but a lot you did for for the minute split second you did look at me like whoa gaping fanny hole and you did question you're like what i think i said cavernous vagina more

than once yep but listen after the podcast went out a lot of my friends got in touch and said actual real life friends yeah my real my real friends got in touch and said they have the same issue gaping vaginas and a lot of other people commented as well so someone else said safina i'm exactly the same my husband refers to me as bucket fanny it's nice i'm also typing this on the bus so i hope no one sees. Three crying laughing emojis. Mine decides to drain about an hour later when I'm least expecting it. Some sort of wizard sleeve magic trick. They don't call me Becky Bucket for nothing. She's a wizard, Harry.

That's the worst thing. I didn't touch on that as well. And a lot of people said this to me. Also, sometimes when I get out of the bath, it doesn't always drain. It't always drain later down the line yeah so i have to put knickers on at bedtime also for the discharge because i also have a very dischargey fanny which yours is dry sahara so i have to put knickers on because i always think i don't want the water to drain out while i'm sleeping never know when it's coming i'm led in a pool but it's even worse when you have a bath in the morning and then go out for the day because you're stood in a shop and you're like i'm it's happening it's happening i'm pissing

myself i'm not but the water is exiting stage left off you go tralala someone else says so thankful uh for you making this normal. I have to drain before I leave. Yes. Top tip. And I can confirm this happens even after C-sections, says someone else. I don't really know why this is fair for us. Don't we go through enough already? We do.

Damn right. But it makes for funny stories. Yeah. Makes for good chat at dinner parties. It does. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly. You can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we. Yeah, it can be serious or silly. You can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, sharing is caring. We're all in this together. And we know that we are. Because I have to feel like sometimes I've got to go for it so that you can stay with the vibe. Because normally you're like, we're all in this together. And we know that we are.

All right. Let's hit it. We're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars. And we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours. When we say our, this needs to be changed.

Because it's actually only really me sharing my secrets. And it's my name on the door and it's my podcast. And I'm going to talk over Emma the whole time. Get used to it. I feel like there should be an episode where you share a secret with us as to what you've done. No, as you mentioned, I'm a closed book. None of my secrets are coming out.

Bring the heat next week. So share yours in the secret mum club. Here's my secret of the week. Go on. Did you want to say that part? No. You sure? I was just trying to...

I feel like I'm taking the stage. I'm just trying to get a look in. Trying to get a word in edgeways. I did something so bad. What? Chris went to Ibiza. Didn't tell anybody that, did I? Also didn't tell anybody on social media

because I was so scared that someone was going to burgle me I knew he was going but I don't think you've spoke about it on the podcast no

how did it go oh yeah he had a great time it rained the whole time it also was very much it felt 35 yeah he was like

everyone's really yeah and they also went for the radio one closing party oh nice because the weather was so shit in Ibiza, they moved it a week forward.

Oh, so they missed it. They did miss it. But he had a great time away with the boys and had a lovely time. The only thing is, is everything got left to me because Chris went and returned the day before Colby's birthday. So I had, you know that four bits leading up yeah to like the

birthday yeah like i need to get the last minute presents wrapping paper yeah you know it's like the lead up to christmas you leave everything right till last minute yeah i didn't get i didn't get balloons is that i'd done pretty much everything is that like a deal breaker it was i need to be balloons i had no fucking party for him yeah no party no balloons so i i went and got him balloons but i said to the children i was like come on we need to get in the car really quick because we need to go and pick something up for your uncle because he's away working at the moment we need to go and get something for him so i took the children to the card factory got them to pick all these balloons but i told colby they weren't for him because the guilt that he was picking his own balloons

so when he saw them on the birthday morning he went bloody hell uncle richie's friend really loves the same stuff as me. He's got all the same balloons that I picked, Mum. I was like, what? They look really childish as well. He loves Spiderman. A PlayStation controller, two footballs and a number seven. Young at heart. So I felt really bad about that and I cried.

And I text Chris and I told him how angry I was at him that he'd gone away to Ibiza but I did apologize to him because I was just angry in that moment you know when you've got so much to do what we're trying to cram it all in the school holidays I was trying to keep the babies occupied I was also trying to make it really exciting and then I felt bad that I told Colby that they weren't his that feels like tactical timing on chris's part like did he have to be away at that time i think it's just that was that closing weekend the radio one closing weekend which was i would say pointless anyway i would say that chris probably felt way worse than i did did he yeah and you made him feel bad i was frantic to be fair no i actually didn't i'm not really that one person because i always worry about and to be fair like i feel

like even if he was here like you'd probably like in our relationship i'd probably be doing it all anyway because i'm a control freak and i have to do everything myself i do do it all but it would just been the fact that i would have just gone on and it would have been more of a surprise yeah for him rather than you could have sent him out to get the balloons or i would have gone and got them and he just watches the babies at home yeah exactly and then put them yeah yeah yeah away well we had them in the end yeah and it's not like and he was back at the problem was is that there was a problem a few of some troubles with his flights so basically the plan was that he was going to be home sunday which left me by the time he got home left me like an hour to pop out so his birthday

was on monday his birthday was the monday yes on the sunday chris was meant to be coming back in so he would have been home at like three o'clock so i was like oh this is great then he texted me he was like there's delays at the airport we're not getting that plane anymore they're putting us on another plane and then when he got back into he no he got back i think he flew into bournemouth i was gonna say heathrow just for a flight do i be there he flew into bournemouth so he's like that's fine i'm gonna be home at like 10 past four. And I was like, no, all shops are shut. All shops. It's a Sunday, Christopher.

We'd had a pyjama day as well. So I had to not only get the babies dressed, but yeah, rush them out at 20 past three to go and get his own balloons. But he said it was the best birthday of his life. Oh, see, I really think like, maybe he wouldn't have been that upset because you'd probably put so much effort into other things

that he wouldn't have been like, he wouldn't have woken up and been like, where's my goddamn balloons? We did lots of special things leading up to it. Yeah. Because I try to make it like a whole week event. Yeah. Like, I love being like, what's your birthday in five days?

Like, the countdown. I'm sure he would have loved it anyway. I think he did. But it's just you put a lot of pressure on yourself. We do. As a parent. As parents, yeah. I've got to have this. I've got to have that,

I've got to have the balloon arch, I've got to have this. I'm just not the Instagram mum, you know? I want to be, I strive to be, I'm not. Well, you literally are an Instagram mum. Only to offload my share. Like, I just talk absolute waffle. I just talk a load of crap, don't I? But yeah, I know what you mean.

Not like aesthetically. Like people that have this whole thing, like, yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not. No, not into that. No. So yeah, that is my secret of the week. So if anybody feels like they... What a terrible mother.

I know. No, not really. Still here to tell the tale though. Yeah. Do you want to tell us a secret? He still loved it. No, I won't be sharing any secrets on this podcast. She's got a gaping bum hole.

She's got a reputation to keep guys sorry about that this is the secret mom club the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week so em Emma, hit us with number one, baby. All right, this is from Anonymous. It says, hi, Safina and Emma. Can we talk about unwanted babysitters? It's a hard subject, but why do you feel awkward saying no to people offering to babysit your child when you're just not wanting someone to have your baby yet or you're just not ready?

I'm a first time mum and I have grandparents assuming they're going to be taking care of my child when I go back to work. Please tell me there's a polite way to say piss off that's tricky i would just say piss off oh i did i yes i feel like i went through this obviously nobody wants to babysit them when they get past a certain age oh really like this is a topic i feel like we need to cover what they want them when they're young and cute and when course. And when does that come to an end? I would say maybe two, two, three.

Wow, so my time's running out. Between two and three. Once they get a little bit, you know, terrible twos. Yeah, a bit more challenging. Yeah, a little bit more challenging, a little bit more testing, testing sleeping and stuff like that, get a little bit more, yeah,

into a little person rather than a baby. Baby, yeah. cuddles with the baby the grandparents it's the same as that thing of when you have a brand new baby every fucker wants to come around your house and touch your baby i haven't seen you in seven years hon why do you want to come around and see my baby get your dirty hands off my baby yeah no and that's it once you've had the baby and everyone's seen it you don't talk to them until you have your next one i know did you find the offers of babysitting also dried up well were harder to come by when you had two children i don't think i ever really got the offer of a babysitter because colby was so poorly i think because i was maybe a little bit cray cray cray i was just really like quite overprotective yeah really overprotective and i just wanted to do it all myself yeah um and i think where colby was a little bit more hard work and a little bit more

my mum used to say like do you want me to watch the baby and you you two can go out and i'd be like no i don't i didn't have a baby for someone else to watch them and i understand that we need the time and stuff like that but it's so you're so in the midst of this bubble aren't you yeah brand new baby trying to one navigate your life and then when they do get an early night and they go down at six you want your time with your partner yeah and you don't want to be out do you know what makes me laugh is when people are like and they have the best of intentions but they're like grandparents will often be like we'll take the um baby and like you and stefan go back to bed or you go and get an hour sleep and i'm like mate i can't shut off that quick once i'm up i'm up like i've got a million

and one things running through my brain i can't just go upstairs and like have an app for two hours yeah also while the baby's still in the house like he's downstairs he knows i'm there i fully agree like that's just such a difficult one yeah when the midwife will care the caretaker fucking hell health visitor used to come around they'd be like don't forget to nap when the midwife or the caretaker. Fucking hell. Health visitor. Health visitor. Used to come around, they'd be like, don't forget to nap when the baby naps.

Yeah, sleep when the baby sleeps. That sounded really condescending. I didn't mean it to come across like that's how they talk. They'd be like, sleep when the baby sleeps. Just so. And you'd be like, I can't. That's not a thing. I've got 30,000 loads of washing. Yeah, and you've got ironing to do,

washing up to do. Yeah. I mean, I didn't fucking do any of it. I just used to sit on my ass all day and wait for Chris to chris to get home but you know they didn't need to know that the intention was there no it's hard isn't it i mean i think yeah without you know maybe saying piss off and upsetting the grandparents i i think if you do genuinely say i don't feel ready for that yeah i'll let you know i'll let you know when i'm ready i actually think people would be fine with that i don't know i don't think some word no no but then they're too pushy i would say my mom not that my mom ever got angry my mom

would be like oh come on just let me come on because i understand it's hard we're their babies and they now want to nurture our babies yeah and they've spent so long of their and i always think about this because i always think there is so much of our like now you present in joseph's life this is some this is how my brain works but i can't ever get my words out so you know how you are now in joseph's life yeah and you'll go through all of this and you've then going to go through we're both going to go through the stages of our children getting partners and heartbreak and whatever else jobs and interviews and driving and buying a house we're going to go through all of this stage but the moment they're up with us until they leave home how much of our life have we

devoted to them tiny people and that's how our parents feel so now we left the house because we're independent little butterflies and off we went like fuck you guys why are you so fucking sad get over it and then they're just sat in this home like i know empty nesters i'm already dreading that which was me the other day when my brother took the children out for the day and everyone was like go out and enjoy your day and i was like the silence is so fucking loud at least you know they're coming back like when they go to like university or whatever that's probably it and it's so sad yeah so sad so i do understand like them wanting that whole baby bit back and they're normally like so desperate for grandchildren so desperate they just can't get enough but i would just be really brutally honest and just say look i'm just not ready for

this and sometimes being a little bit more stern is you know they'll get the message yeah because it is something can i think sometimes if you can just go oh no not today it sometimes gives a little bit of um what is it like false hope yeah it false hope? I didn't want to say the wrong word. But yeah, I would maybe just say, look, it's just not something I want to do. Yeah, I just don't want to. Yeah, and just when I'm ready. You're perfectly entitled to say that as well. You are perfectly entitled.

Because also there's no point in someone coming over and watching the baby and you're forced into going on a day out that you don't even want to go on. You just be worrying about the baby the whole time. Because you'd rather just sit in your pants and eat popcorn in front of the telly. You don't want someone taking the baby away. No. You just want to chill. Yeah.

Yes. But yeah, hopefully it all goes well. But please do let us know. Yeah. Hopefully that was good advice. Was that good advice? I feel like that was good advice. I feel like it was, yeah.

Right. Emma's just been for a number two, so she's going to share it with us. I went for a wee. Thank you very much. All right, this says says i have two daughters four months and almost three years old we're struggling with potty training and i feel like ripping my hair out most days anyways we were swimming at the beach a couple of weeks ago where my oldest came up to me i told her we should try and go pee on the potty and she turned to me and

announced loudly in front of everyone on the beach it's okay mummy i peed on the sand i mean at least she's not holding it and giving herself a uti that's true that is true i think that's not i don't think that's bad no i don't think that's bad i mean at least it was on the sand not just but i guess what what the mommy is trying to say is like i guess when she's at home and she'll just be like are we on the carpet yeah that's yeah i understand exactly yes but maybe she knew that the sand was absorbent and it gets wet anyway and it was going to be fine so potty training is a really hard one and how was that for you i was very very very very lucky i think i we've have we not spoken about this before i feel like i was super lucky with colby because obviously dotty came along and he was like

no i'm not wearing nappies no more the baby wears nappies yeah so he was just like no i'm not i'm not doing it didn't and he also didn't like the feel of the wet nappy on his willy fair enough like it's weird it's not weird sorry i feel like it's different for girls because it just goes to the bottom of the nappy yeah you know where it goes down whereas boys they wee out and it just sits at the front of the nappy and when you take take joseph's nappy off all their tummies all damp isn't it yeah I was trying air him out yeah yeah so I feel like it's a little bit more uncomfortable and Colby was really uncomfortable just talking yeah socking nappy so he was really early like to that just over to us really good yeah was really really and he just picked it

up just picked me in the potty and did it on his own but also again I'm very much at home we just take it off like in the summer because he was a summer baby as well nappy off in the garden just go free because we'll figure out the toilet eventually because when we're out they know that they can't just wee in their clothes yeah do you know what i mean so it was a case of just nappy off and just let it let it be at home and i worried about the potty second yeah but i also found like the potty created more drama for me because they then wouldn't go on the big toilet it's quite also common to get stage fright with the potty isn't it like i know a lot of because you just bung it in the middle of the

lounge yeah but that's not where you go for a wee but and also it's weird for them like they've always gone to the toilet in a nappy and so for them to just go in a pot where then they can like see what's coming out i think that freaks them out a little bit it's quite common for babies to get constipated when they're potty training isn't it because they kind of get scared and they hold it in how was dotty super easy because she just watched she went to the toilet with colby and so she just copied also she's a so poofobic like she won't tell you that she's pooed she's such a lady out the toilet don't look at me don't talk to me she doesn't even want to talk to you that she's pooed wow doesn't even want to let you know that she's pooed but she with dotty i didn't potty at all i just went straight toilet

oh okay because it gave colby too much of a complex so i used to get again we used to go out somewhere and he'd go i can't i can't go on the big toilet i need to go on a potty i'd be like no no no so then obviously the big gaping toilet he would panic and then just like do this weird hunch on the toilet because he didn't want to fall down the hole yeah so with Dottie I just didn't I felt I feel like potty is potty just makes more work for yourself that's why you see a lot of like parents of toddlers out with the potty with them because if that's what they're used to you've got to take it with you I just feel like you create a rod for your own back in the nicest way possible me me personally

i just felt like it created a rod for your own back because then it also becomes too accessible for them to have a wee right there and then yeah and you need to train them to hold their bladder which they get to a toilet which then in turn is why they go dry through the night yeah because they've got a stronger bladder to hold it through did you have many accidents no you didn't colby has had maybe three in i would say he's had them since he's been big like he went into such a deep sleep like when he was six like last year and he had a big wee and then maybe twice before dots has never she might have actually had one or two but no nothing really i feel like you've been really lucky there really lucky but you just got to do it and not sounds so fucking stupid and i know but you've got to do it without making a big deal about it yeah like once they've done the doo-doo on the toilet then we do pee pee in the toilet or a

poop you know and do a reward yeah but otherwise i just wouldn't make a big deal about it if they were like oh i need the toilet i'd be like oh okay then let's go find a toilet yeah so i'd be like don't forget to hold it and then i used to talk to them and be like do you know where we're going and they'd go oh yeah we're going to the toilet so to constantly remind them that we need to hold it because we're holding to go to the toilet yeah yeah have you heard about people that never use nappies I heard about this yes literally from newborn they start off no nappies on the baby yeah and apparently they learn really quickly to hold it to not go like on the floor yeah it's crazy but yeah it's i mean it sounds like your little girl's nearly there

she's doing great i wouldn't i wouldn't and again as well follow their lead because the more pressure you put on them the more scary they find it yeah so as much as you can make it as natural as possible as soon as you're home nappy off pretty knickers that's what i bought dotty was pretty knickers and colby loved boxers right to match dad so i bought daddy ones and baby ones yeah chris had pepper pig boxes for a while but you know suck it up um but no they loved they loved the idea of the pants yeah and i that's a good idea i think that was really nice and i used to for dotty put music on in the bathroom okay so she'd yeah to get to go to enjoy it so yeah but yeah we're on the sand i'd do that now and i'm 36 i piss in the bath all the time that's absolutely fine i told

dotty stop drinking my bath water the other day because i pissed in it i'll teach you for getting in my bath but that was a nice one i like that one yeah so now we're gonna roll into number three okay this is the last secret it says while recently on our family holly bobs mr bloom from cbb's was there who's mr bloom who's mr bloom i'm so out cbb's that's your that's you yeah i mean we literally watch it like back to back oh is it mr bloom the guy that does the gardening the really nice guy with like the shaggy i don't know who that is i mean if it was mr tumble, it says, I used to have a crush on him. You have a crush on Mr. Tumble? I go, oh no, this is the secret, not me.

No, you have a crush on Mr. Tumble. No, Mr. Bloom. I used to have a crush on him and I really wanted a photo, but I didn't want to be the sad adult lining up. I asked my daughters and step-sons to come with me, but they didn't know who he was. In the end, I pleaded with my six-year-old daughter to come with me. She looks very confused in the photo and I was smiling like a Cheshire cat. No regrets, Tiff.

That's Mr. Blame. He's got the talking vegetables. Oh, yeah. He looks familiar. He is. He's very... Let me see. You had a crush... Hang on. You had a crush on Mr. Blame? I think it's... Yeah, I mean, each to their own. He's a very handsome chap. Each each their own he's a very handsome chap they're right mr bloom i think he's his personality he's very sweet on cbbs oh maybe that's and that might be maybe that's what did

it for tiff might be a toupee might actually be his hair it looks like he's got a wig look at that suspect p placing that p is placed very suspect look this is the perfect reason why you've got children so that you can use them as an excuse to do the things that you really want to do i think you just do what tiff did and you just force them to come with you six years old she's not going to say no she's not going to say no just say oh they're famous on youtube yeah that's what i do can't be like yeah all right then i'll come yeah it's what I do. Can't we be like, yeah, all right, then I'll come. Yeah. It's a YouTuber. Yeah.

She'll think it's really cool. She'll be like, all right, mum. God, I can't believe you know the YouTubers. Yeah. I'm down with the kids. Go you, mum. This guy's a cool dude, so. He's also holding a basket of vegetables.

I mean, what more could you want from a man? Well, you got your picture, so. Yes. And a lovely day out everyone's a winner i was smiling like a cheshire cat god lover go on tiff she had a wild time didn't she if it was andy and his dinosaurs from cbb's i'd be straight up there number one fangirl i'd be up there getting a picture with andy for sure is it when he travels back in time yeah and his dinosaur adventures I mean I miss these times I'm always intrigued by like who are these adults that get themselves a show on CBeebies they're like he's a basically a man

that's really into playing with dinosaur figures and I'm like wow that's your that's really cool that that's your career I would like you know what i used to watch the children's tv and actually want to do it you'd be really good at it i feel like do you know how many people say that and i don't think i would yeah because you've got that energy i would really like story time with tom hardy yeah cbb's bedtime story can we get that arranged on the podcast we could just get tom hardy for a mummy story. Mummy and daddy. That would be lovely, wouldn't it? Adam's looking at me like, yeah, we'll get that arranged.

Put a call in. Put a call in with Tom Hardy's people. Let's get him on. I mean, he's done CBeebies. We're pretty much up there with the BBC, aren't we? We're pretty much up there with being iconic. So thanks for your secrets this week. They were good.

Yeah, they were good ones, weren't they? We got dabbled into that, didn't we, with the old potty training? Sorry, I felt like I was very preachy on today. I'm actually a bit lost on this episode, aren't I? I've got no fucking idea what the hell is going on. I've given a very in-depth conversation on how to potty train but got fuck all clue of what i've done with the week so ask me something that happened in 1995 i'll be able to tell you that but as of yesterday having a fucking clue so thank you for everybody thank you for everybody who listened thank you if you listened and if you're still listening thank you everyone everyone is

welcome thank you everyone is welcome here in the secret mum club yeah if you'd like to share your secrets with us you can you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram we want to know all the details details and if you're enjoying the podcast You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. We want to know all the details. And if you're enjoying the podcast, tell your friends and family and colleagues. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.