Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - We're Going On A Bear Hunt

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

This week, Sophiena's officially become a Soccer Mom, enthusiastically chanting on the sidelines. Emma has had to deal with acidic poos whilst Steffan was on a golf trip. Soph’s secret of the week involves the class bear going on a bigger, much longer adventure than had been intended, but at least his autumn look was on point. Plus, one listener shares her daughter's solution if you don’t have a plaster for a cut, just use a tampon!PS This episode was recorded before Emma’s amazing news, more on that in future episodes! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the... Secret Mum Club. You need to tell me how your week's been. Quick. Quickly. Okay, week's been great. Yeah.

Has it? Yes. What have you been up to? Been a great week. We started football club. Yeah. Well, Colby did. I'm a football mum.

You're a football mum. I'm a soccer mum. You're a soccer mum. I know, I'm a soccer mum. How's that going for you? Absolutely tremendous. Yeah? I had way too much fun.

I was a bit hollery. And Chris, Chris and his pizza, Willie, just stood on the side and didn't say a thing. I was expecting him to be more like,

go on, Colby. Normally, because I would say normally it's the dads that get a bit aggressive. Not here. Not here. Not here. No, no.

No, sister. Were you shouting at the ref? I was actually a very supportive mum. I was supportive for everybody. I saw all the other parents shouting the children's names. So I absorbed, didn't I? Yeah. So then I started.

Watch and learn. Go on. And copy. Oscar. I can't remember what their names are now. You chained the other children as well so basically it was a friendly right so it was like there's a yellow team and a blue team for the whole club so they were playing a friendly together and then so it wasn't like a real game

right or serious or anything like that so they were all they were all friendly together and it was nice so i met some of the parents which were lovely so you'll have to explain the structure to me so colby plays football at school he's got a little after school club where he plays football right and then this is like a this is now a football club outside of school outside weekends and evenings yeah like type of thing their own little leaguey and you have to um like try out to get into? Yeah, basically how it worked for us, because there's a time when they make the teams. Right. There's a certain time of year. Don't ask me.

I don't know when that is. But there's a time when they allocate the teams out. But I think we've come mid-year. OK. So we popped in mid-year. So we just messaged some in the area. And we're like, oh, you know, this one's been recommended. Do you have any?

And most of them said, you can't but one of them said we don't have any space on the team because the team is already made would you like to come and down and do training with us you can just do the training and then when we do the new teams next season we can look at selected yeah so we went down on the Wednesday evening yeah um colby did all his training had the best time yeah they text us that evening more like um yeah we'd like to put colby into the team so it wasn't even like an open audition but they saw his skill and they were like we want him on the team yeah didn't want to be that arsehole mom and be like well sorry that my son's sorry that he's like david beck Yeah. But I generally, as a mum, you just watch him in the garden.

You're like, fuck, he's good. You think he's decent. Compared to me? Yeah. Yeah, compared to me, that's the only person I can. That's a low bar. I've only got like his sister, his dad or me to compare him to. And I'm pretty shit.

No, but compared to his other seven-year-old boys. He's actually okay. Is it just boys or boys and girls? So my niece is in the same league, her team is all girls right under tens can play mixed mixed yes there's either a team of those boys and girls or you play an all boys team for an all girls team someone did actually message me today on instagram and say that it was the girls if they're like a certain age they tend to play a boys team that are an age lower. Okay.

So if there is an under eight, they might be an under seven team that they play to make it a little bit more fair, but it's a very fun. It's very fun at the moment. Everyone's given me lots of prep talk for when it goes a little bit more serious, but yes,

then we went to the little friendly game, which is obviously all of the same club, but split into two teams. um so we went there and then yeah he they play in four quarters yeah so they play 10 and then off 10 off 10 off so it takes like an hour by the time they've had a little break in between um he got man in the match for one little section which he was over the moon and he scored a goal and he scored a goal yeah on his debut honestly i didn't i felt like i was on top of the world and i just said to colby like i hope you feel good because mum feels great like i'm so

proud of him i could have birthed you do like a pitch side celebration take top off he did it he wasn't and they go so like oh colby make sure you do yourself a celebration but he was really like he was just really cool he was just like yeah kind of like dusted it off like yeah just i've scored or more of a please can we stop drawing attention to me yeah mum look at me stop shouting shut up um but it was really good oh that's really really fun and then we got home from the game on saturday and the guy was just over the moon he was like he played really well even the coaches of the other team said about how much of a great little player he was and do you think he's good compared to the other i don't know no no they all played really really well they were all really good but my son was the best i didn't i didn't say that they were all great and i was cheering them all on and they

all did but the hardest thing is is obviously you're sat on the sideline and everyone is not being hard on them but everyone is critical of, like Colby, the other team were winning because they were in little teams. The other team was winning. And you can see the boys are so passionate, even my niece, they're so passionate about what they're doing. And you can see their little shoulders shrug and you're like, oh, come on. It's not about winning. It's taking part. No, but it is really about winning.

You're doing really well. No, it's not. That's the mum I'm going to be. I'm such a fair mum. No, I just think it's not about winning it's taking part like you're doing it's really about you're you're doing really well no it's not that's the mom i'm gonna i'm gonna be i'm such a fair mom no i just think it's anybody's game no and i just think if you apply yourself and you have fun to me that's all that matters i'm gonna say to joseph if you lose you're not coming home with me today and i will be there as the supporting to take to take him and give him all the chocolate and biscuits or hug him when he's pooing. I want to be, I really love the idea of being a soccer mum though

because now I go, obviously Joseph's too little, but when I go for a walk in the park, I see the teams on a Saturday and Sunday and I think, I want to do that. I am going to be the one

in the little tent. Yeah. You know, when it's raining. I'm going to bring my camping chair. Yeah. I'm going to bring my tent. I'm going to bring my snacks. i even thought i could take a fire with a little tin of beans on a saucepan yeah make toast and marshmallows and you know there's

no burger van down there so i said to chris i think we should start a burger van business and get a burger van down there make a killing make an absolute killing bacon i love the idea of it though i like the idea of it more when it's like a cold crisp sunny saturday than a miserable rainy rainy day but we did actually go and watch the team on sunday because i was really worried about the loudness because there's all different ages that play at this at the place where he will play football i wanted him to get used to the shouting how loud it was and take the whole environment in so we did actually pop down sund Sunday and watch them. And then my little niece was playing as well, just after them. So we managed to watch her as well. But I did, I will say, I was at the, Chris didn't go, so it was just me and the babies. We watched our game and then my sister's one came. So we sort of scooted over to watch my niece. I was at the

sideline with my sister. My sister is the complete opposite of me right she is calm she's placid she's super clever she's super like crafty she's a wonderful mum she's just got like the patience of a fucking saint like she when she had her babies she made it look so glorious that i was like she can do this i can do this piece of cake then colby came along with all his intolerances and his illness and i was like what, what the fuck? What is this? What have you done to me? But I got there and I said to my sister, you know, I was like, oh, I did get a little bit shouty at Colby's on Saturday.

And she was just like, oh, right. Yeah. Well, that was it. She was fucking fog on. She was like, come on. Come on. Come on. Pass it down the wing.

And I just looked at her and I was like calm you need to calm the fuck down i'm gonna be that man like that that's embarrassing and then for that split second i did think this is how chris felt yesterday yeah about when i was hollering yeah um but within 10 minutes i was pretty much louder than my sister and she was like now you need to fucking calm down i was like they have no idea what you're saying no and you're just flying your arms around yeah looking like a nut job yeah that was all of us yeah so i've had a great weekend i gave myself a stonking headache yeah i'm sure i'm shouting i'm sorry i've lost your voice but i've had a delightful time oh that sounds really fun i love it yeah i'm looking forward to that if joseph's

not into it i'm gonna make him be yeah it was really hard because so many people said about clubs and stuff and it was one of those that took me some time to get into it because I didn't want to feel like I was forcing them to do yeah like I don't want to feel like I'm forcing them into doing something but Colby I would even say like the last maybe this year sort of no I wouldn't even say this year i'd say the last five six months he is like and when i tell you like i don't want to blow his trumpet like he is fucking so clever like he knows he knows every football i'm saying every football player in the world he knows the position they played he not only knows the team they're currently in and the position they play within that team he knows their previous teams wow does he play fifa yes yeah that's what it is it gives them such a good like absolutely

his knowledge and when he's older like stefan now knows every single country's flag yes it's from playing all the flags i put a little flag out in his bedroom and he can name all the countries it says gaming's not educational honestly that boy has learned so much yeah i just can't get over it it just blows my mind and i sit in the car and i just think how the fuck yeah do you know that yeah it's absolutely wild and then i said to chris the other day so i went to an m&s event and peter crouch was at this m&s event not with abby clancy i don't i couldn't see her you can obviously see peter so i went home and said you can obviously see him because he's so tall i said to chris oh i went at the event i know i went to the event he

knew where i was but i was like oh peter crouch was there and chris was like oh was he and i was like if you thought he was tall like he is tall in real life and colby was like love peter crouch he played for southampton then went on to portsmouth i was like what he was like yeah and then he's i was like gave you a whole history of peter crouch i was just like what so yeah um the the boy just absolutely absolutely blows blows my mind and then to top off the week we had we've had dotsy's barn barnaby barn i keep his barnaby barnaby's the bear from school oh is this where you have to like look after a teddy for a day or something just for the weekend yeah right how was that anyway we're just gonna we had a great time we had a great time is he all right yeah he's yes

he's a lovely chap we took him to town and he had um we fought because he he has to travel the world but if you know me you know i don't really travel yeah i've only traveled so he has been to gymnastics right he's been to football okay we took him to a car boot sale we didn't sell him we kept him um we actually took him to town and took him to the bear factory and we got him October ready. So he is currently modelling a pumpkin outfit with a pumpkin hat. Autumn winter collection. Yeah.

We thought we'd just, while we're rolling into October, we'll get him Halloween ready. But I did buy him a friend. Oh, you did? Couldn't resist. I did get him a little friend to take back to school. So we've donated the bear to school. So whoever looks after Barnaby next has got to look after another one as we don't know what because i said this one might be a nice one for school because at the moment dotty's she talks about her little friends but they have like little

bumps at school where they run into each other and they get a bit sad and or they miss their mummies and daddies so we took a bear and it's in a little doctor's outfit and it's holding a heart around its arms and i said it can be the bear in the school that just maybe if you need a hug yeah maybe make another bubba so i've left it to them we read it all in the book barnaby's exploring book god it's full on isn't it to be fair i think i had a bit too much fun with it i'm not gonna lie you really went in i went ham yeah i went yeah i went deep yeah deep in above and beyond i was wellies i was wellies on knee deep i was enjoying the experience so we've left it for the children to name him or name her name her in the book nice to give her a name so yeah it's been a

full-on week and weekend really wholesome though really wholesome family week it's just I just I'm still here on my little cloud I feel like I've won the lottery I really do you look like you have looks do I yeah Yeah. I am. You're so smiley. And how is yours? That was a lot for me, wasn't it? It was a busy week. To be fair, you could just say, fucking did the food shop.

That was it. Brilliant. I mean, not a lot went on. Stefan was away again. Is that man ever home? I told Taylor of him going to the Rugby World Cup a couple of weeks ago, didn't I? Yeah. This weekend he went on a golfing weekend did his dad overbook the days again

he wasn't with his dad he was with his friends friends nice uh for a yeah for a weekend it was like thursday to saturday yeah thursday to saturday night did he tell you the days before he actually did get the dates right on this one yeah but location wrong so he was like i'm only gonna be like an hour away he was three hours away he was near birmingham he hasn't got you know he hasn't got a clue about what's happening in his life he's just he's a man he's wading through life with his eyes closed to be fair though i would love to be doing that i know i to be fair maybe i am no you can't sleepwalk through life when you're a woman because you're in charge of too much stuff. Too much shit. Shit would go wrong. So he left me on a week where we had more teething, more teething issues.

Those bloody canines are still coming through, but I can see them now. The top two canines are coming through, but he's just not been very well with that. They were saying he was quite miserable at nursery. He's had really bad runny poos because that's a sign of teething. And the poos are really... Grainy? No, like just, they're quite like acidic smelling.

Oh. They've got a really specific smell. It makes the bum sore. Of course it does. And then as well, teething gives spots around the bum as well. Yeah, he had a little rash on his face as well. So he just wasn't himself.

I was going to say, is Joseph dummy? Does he have a dummy? I've face yeah so he just wasn't his best i was gonna say just it's joseph dummy does he have a yeah yeah i've never seen him with a dummy no but he has it to sleep really sometimes if he's really miserable after waking up from a nap he's allowed to have it downstairs but he's really good at saying bye and teddy and a dummy and normally when he comes downstairs he says bye bye dummy oh bye teddy but yeah he's just been a bit challenging like not really just very emotional like they were saying at nursery that the other smaller babies were touching his buggy he was

screaming like do you want anyone else it was basically us on our period yeah it is he's been very sensitive yeah um so bless him it wasn't the best hasn't been the best week he's had a bad he's had a bad couple of weeks in here at nursery yeah they're really testing his patience yeah he has but um he's through the worst of it now i think it's weird how like they take the teeth take ages to come through but it's not like constant symptoms he'll have like a week of symptoms then he'll be all right for ages then he'll then it'll flare up again and then but the teeth still aren't fully in so i see i someone told me this it's the breaking through of the jaw so the bit actually of the tooth coming through and growing out isn't isn't the worst bit is where they work their way

through the jaw so what's bad is what we can't see the bit that's bad is what yeah what we can't it's basically like um what was i gonna chicken pox right so you're the worst bit is leading up it's not the spots is not actually the worst bit is not actually the worst bit. Yeah, it's the viral bit before. Aye. It's where they're working their way. Tell you what, some of the poos he's been doing have been... Astronomical. Astronomical. I was sending Stefan pictures.

They were that iconic. Sending him pictures on his golf weekend. Being like, whoa, look at this one. Do you know what he did, though, that I was really proud of at the weekend for the first time? Joseph or Stefan? Not Stefan. Sorry, Stefan. Because this would be TMI from Stefan.

Joseph told me when he was going for a poo stop it before he did a poo in his nappy yeah now if that's not advanced what is that is so good he's 20 months old i wonder if it was the burn maybe but he like knew it was coming he could feel it coming he said oh no poo poo and then he's oh that makes me really sad because he's in so much pain with his poo poos as well isn't he well all right when they're runny though they just slide on out so actually it's a bit because you burn on your bum hole doesn't it i know the bum hole burn is i know i know especially if they smell acidicly you've got to think that burn out your bum hole that's what's coming out i know to be fair joseph i'd swap with you mate because this constipation at the moment it's not the one oh god i can't decide whether i'd rather him have these huge huge runny poos or struggle with the diarrhea with the

constipation no have the runny poos yeah you can cream that bum hole you cannot they are messy though i just can't handle the constipation even thinking about it now makes me so scared we've had an explosion on the rug and everything this week it's's a big clean-up job when they do those big ones. Is he even airing the bum? Well, you can't really, because he's not toilet-trained. You can't really let him loose. Air the bum off. It'll be like our lady from a couple of weeks ago who said a little boy wheezed all over the carpet.

And then before you know it, it's a poo. Pushed so hard, didn't he? Pushed the poo out by accident. And he watched it. Giving himself the fear of God. I'm just waiting. I'm just waiting for that to happen. So, yeah, it's not been his best. but look dude stefan's back now until next weekend until next weekend when he goes golfing again he actually i think he's going to be annoyed that i'm saying

this on it because it's making him look really bad that he's had two things in quick succession he had the rugby world cup and the golf but he was like i know that looks terrible because they were both within one month but it was like they're actually we could throw chris under the bus they're only the he was like, they're actually the only... We could throw Chris under the bus. They're only the actually things. He said they're actually the only things he's done all year. Sorry. Stefan, Chris just went to Ibiza and he went out on Saturday night. I saw.

Yeah. These dads. He threw up on Sunday morning though. I was annoyed at him. Good. That's his punishment. And he was like, oh, I'm not hungover. Why are you being sick then?

Yeah. It just makes me so annoyed. It's the fact that the children come in to me and they're like, oh, I'm not hungover. Why are you being sick then? Yeah. It just makes me so annoyed. It's the fact that the children come in to me and they're like, oh, dad's throwing up again. Also disrespectful to be sick around your pregnant wife who's got morning sickness. Come on. We're not married yet.

Oh, yeah. I was just jumping to conclusions. Yeah, I haven't even got my ring on today. That's how mad I was. Yes, no, I'm joking. I took it off because. Swollen fingers? Cleaned it.

No, put it in some cleaning solution, but I forgot to take out I was yesterday. No, I'm joking. I took it off because... Swollen fingers? Cleaned it. No. Put it in some cleaning solution, but I forgot to take out the cleaning solution. Sorry, jumped the gun there, but soon to be wife. Soon to be wife. Yeah, soon to be. Not that far off.

Just don't have a date yet. Do you know what? We had talks about this the other day and I actually got to the point where I was just like, do you know what? I think I would just do a registry office and go to like Florida.

No way. I thought i was getting invited out to be made to come to florida sorry all right okay yeah i'll come to florida yeah you just gotta come to florida and stay in a big villa with all of us okay fine just thinking the other day like this i want it to be like a life a life memory right and half the people on chris's list i don't want there i don't want that stuff i haven't seen them for a whole year but chris wants to invite them because they're his childhood friends and you know let's be honest we don't see them like we don't see everybody and i just thought i would rather just go on a really really wonderful holiday life memory like a holiday the children

are going to remember forever take our wedding dress have a day in the park wearing our wedding outfits yeah I think that'd be quite fun just go away and do it with your close family and me

yeah and you well you're close family now yeah there's no way you can get out I'm afraid you've made a lifelong commitment you signed this contract

I'm coming no not in escaping so Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about,

or just say, Hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or email us, hello at secretmumpod.com. It's the correspondence corner. This one from Katrin says, Kat yeah stunning name this is my issue at the moment sorry katrin names yeah add that to your list um i just see names everywhere it's uh welsh is it yeah you would you would know that yeah because you're a little

i say welshy you're allowed to say say welsh oh well i am actually half welsh but also married to a welsh person so that like ups my welshness i think we said me and maddie said this morning you're very welsh well and i was like maybe that's why you're attracted to welsh man because you seem so welsh my surname is jones so i feel like the signs are there tom fuck do you know him i know him no santa i know him anyway katrin says hello hello girls love listening to you both now my partner and i also love a good trump and when i was eight months pregnant with my daughter i started bleeding from my bum hole oh no so we went to the hospital to get checked out i was lying on my side facing my boyfriend when the doctor started examining that area

and out of nowhere i farted me and my boyfriend could not stop laughing but the doctor was very serious oh come on lighten up thankfully everything was fine and we went home years later i was walking into my daughter's infant school to pick her up and that doctor was coming my way she gave me the strangest look and then smiled i can't believe she remembered me she definitely needs a bum trip why they gotta take it so serious i would have literally gone sorry farted on you then i would pull my finger long if i was the doctor if i was in your bum hole and you farted in my face or in my general direct i would nothing funnier oh my gosh i just can't get over how funny a fart is yeah my baby doctors

are over it if they're examining bumholes all the time i guess a bumblebee in bumhole though is quite serious isn't it so i guess she was trying to take the moment very seriously but but what are the chances of just laugh about the fart and she she knew straight away so what was the outcome of your bleeding bumhole was it a hemorrhoid it doesn't say but she says it everything was fine oh perfect everything was fine glad you're okay but you never think you're gonna bump into the person examining your bum hole again. Whose face you farted in. At your daughter's school.

So she's going to be there all the time. Do you know, there's a woman at our school and I don't know where I know her from, but I know her from somewhere. Maybe she's been examining your bum hole. Maybe she's in my food. I don't know. Things like that never happen to me. Like a guy I know was saying that when he and his wife went in to have their baby yeah one of the

midwives was his ex-girlfriend obviously not what you want but i feel like those scenarios no i never see anyone i know do you want to know something funny anywhere chris's ex-girlfriend's a midwife oh no not at the hospital where you go i don't know if it was the same hospital but i said to chris can you fucking imagine the chances though if she's in there like i've got no issues with it but there has been certain things that have happened previously that have been a little bit awkward it would be quite weird but oh yeah i don't know i think i think it would be more uncomfortable for chris yeah but she's a midwife and i said imagine she is there delivering your ex-girlfriend delivers our baby chris used to be like don't please i don't want to go that would be so weird.

Maybe this is the thing about if you live in a smaller town. Yeah. It's probably quite common, but in London, like you're just anonymous. You don't know, don't see anyone you know,

which I love. I don't really know anybody to be honest. I'm not really bothered about people seeing my bum hole. It's more traumatic for them because I can't see it. Even if they know you.

Can't see it every day. I've seen my sister's bum hole. Yeah, but like, if it's someone from like... If you asked me to look at your bum hole, because you needed some help, I'd look at your bum hole. Yeah, but even if it's someone from like up the school, you've got to see every day and you're like... Yeah.

They've had their fingers up my bum. Yeah, what's the issue? Because it's... Yeah, but it's medical. You can't be sad. I know. And I try and tell the children that, you know, you can't worry about things like this.

For them, it's not weird, is it? No. And they see... Imagine how many bum holes they see. I know. It's like a gynecologist, isn it midwives and vaginas how many foo-foos they see or when you do your smear and you're like oh so sorry i haven't shaved they're like i'm literally not looking at that yeah like okay well now are you looking at my pubes because i've brought it up still not looking okay yeah i braided them i put some beads on there for you

fill up a moniker in the crutch they don't't care. No. We've got another email here. It says, hey, ladies, I heard you talking about going on a flight with broken bones. I moved from England to Australia in 2007 and we came back home in 2010 for the summer. I was still in school and broke my arm about five weeks before our trip. I had to go to the doctor just before we flew out and get them to cut the cast down one side so there was room for swelling. This is what you said, Dr. Soph. i then got the cast off at the same hospital i was born in in the uk oh love the podcast anonymous you were right i'd never heard of that before i just you can't because of like dvt and stuff yeah you just i just don't know how you would be able to travel back without it just i'm i honestly i'm like a balloon on the aeroplane.

Are you? I look like a puffer fish. Do you wear the special socks? No. No. You should. I know I should, but I haven't flown in 11 years. You don't go on.

What am I talking about? You don't need to go on a plane. You're fine. Don't need to worry now, do I? I would have just rocked up to the airport with a broken leg and not thought anything of it. I would never have thought about that. With your leg just hanging off at one side and stragging mama you you okay yeah yeah yeah no no issues here doc nothing to see here let me on the plane i wouldn't have thought about it i just i just

wouldn't think you could i'm glad i know now it's a bit like flying when you're pregnant you're allowed to fly up until only in the second trimester no you're allowed to fly in the first no yeah yeah no there's no lower limit there's only an upper limit you can only fly until you're like i thought you went on 28 weeks or something stop or 30 36 weeks i'm gonna google this fly basically they don't want you to go moon. Let me play amongst the stars. They don't want you to go into labour on the plane. But I think early on, it's fine. First trimester.

Flying in the first trimester. Air travel, in general, safe if you're having an uncomplicated pregnancy. If you have any other complications, check with your midwife or your GP. That there's no medical reason. Yeah, you might not know your pregnancy. There you go. Such as high blood pressure or risk of deep vein vombosis is that you high blood pressure that's google no as in like dvt would that affect you no i just worry about dvt oh no you'd be fine um so there you go

i didn't know that i didn't know you could fly in the first trimester let's like new every day i've had to worry because i've not you're not going anywhere anyway i'm not going on any plane anytime soon well one last email says hello my lovelies your tampoons chat had me laughing out loud this is Colby growing up my mum called tampons

white mice my siblings and I continued to call them white mice into adulthood I thought white mice were pick and mix they're lovely chocolate white chocolates

the cheap chocolate yeah once when we were at my sister's for Sunday dinner I went to the toilet with my toddler daughter and realised I had forgotten to bring any tampons.

So I shouted to my sister, do you have any white mice? The next day, I was picking my daughter up from preschool, making her aware that I was in a rush to get her back as I needed to go to the toilet. She then shouts to her key worker across the car park of parents, bye, my mum needs a wee.

Did you know she has pink wee's and puts white mice up her bum? All in capitals. i was absolutely mortified i was absolutely mortified and couldn't look at anyone in the eye for the next two months leading up to when she graduated for the summer holidays oh my love charlie something so funny about that is i did the exact same to my mum. No! With a packet of sanitary towels. My mum never lets me live the story down as to when I chased around Tesco's saying, don't forget these for your bleeding bum, mum. Why do they all think it's coming out of your bum?

Maybe that's what it looks like when you're in the toilet. My two thought my bum was bleeding. I guess that you don't, yeah, maybe they just don't expect your foo-foo to bleed. Yeah. I suppose. Like, why would anyone be more normal than the other? They don't know maybe they just don't expect your fufu to bleed yeah i suppose like why would anyone be more normal than the other they don't know anything no and they maybe don't think that we have two three holes no you wouldn't know that would you just be like there's there's we and there's the other one because we have a front bum and a back bum as well funny my tampon story was that i came down into a dinner party swinging my mum's tampons

around on the strings have i told you that no yeah don't know why kids are so obsessed with tampons they love them don't they they're great yeah i feel like they're so versatile though aren't they you can do so much with the tampon i'm gonna start calling them white mice or tampons and not i'm not gonna start putting them up my bum oh i've used one for a nosebleed before. Have you? Yeah, well, my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Or even a snotty nose, like when you've got hay fever.

Great shout. Little small one up there. Love that. A light. A little light. We call them the white mice tampoons. Yeah, white mice tampoons. Thanks, Charlie.

That was brilliant. Hilarious. She has pink wheeze and puts white mice up her bum people must have thought what

what the fuck goes on in their house so you can get in touch with us on anything at all it can be serious or silly

and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together

and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that do you know there's going to be a day we don't actually sing that why i don't know just feel like there might be a day that we actually don't sing that and can you imagine people like never it will never happen do it it's our theme tune i would like to give you one guess as to what my secret of this week could possibly be. Is it tampoon related? No tampoons, white mice or poo always. Bumholes, no bumholes.

What could it be? Have a guess on what I've just been talking about, what's happened to us this week, what we've been doing this week. So Colby started football. Yes. And you looked after the school teddy bear. I did, yeah. Any suggestions as to what the fuck i did no tell me left the fucking bear in town no yes i did and i had to go on a wild

goose chase to find the bear i couldn't do can i find where the bear is i had dotty screaming and crying colby was tired he didn't want to go back i couldn't get back into the car park because the car park was absolutely manic i was two minutes from home this was on a saturday this was on a saturday as well not only had i been in the shop for about 15 hours it was absolutely chaotic i bloody left the bear i left the bear where'd you leave him in town well we sat on a little rug because there was a little rescue thing with some RSPCC doggies. RSPCA? Is it the RSPCC?

RSPCA. What's the PCC? You're mixing it up with NSPCC, I think. Maybe it was the NSPCC. It's basically... With dogs? The black with the yellow dog on the side. RSPCA.

Sorry. Okay, so they... I think you might actually also be thinking Dogs Trust. I thought that was blue is that dogs either way there was something really nice going on the shopping center where they were doing they were doing things with the dogs right definitely not nspcc because that's children so that's not no it wasn't it wasn't children it was dogs the dogs um so we sat on a little blanket while the man was training as to how to do things with hold on i think it was a guide dog guide dogs for the blind so what but what charity

is that guide dogs for the blinds is that a yellow and black sign today either way get your charities right it was a really lovely we donated okay that's the main thing that's the main thing yeah so we will watch that down on the little rug and watch that right so then we dressed the bears you know took some pictures outside the shop ready for our book yeah because it was busy so i had to wait for everybody to walk past and took the pictures and from there back to the car it was a dash it was busy it was chaotic we forgot i lost the bear i don't know whether i just left him there chilling and then i had to get him back there's nothing worse than that moment when you realize that you it wasn't even my best it was the responsibility of someone else's bear you don't

have something with you that you should have like the panic that goes through you the amount of times we've lost dotty's bum buns and bum buns was her absolute go-to bear. Has she only got one? She's only got one bum bun. Well, this is why we had to buy three teddies. She wouldn't accept another bum buns. Not even exactly the same bum bun. She'd be like, why is this so clean? That's not mine.

Mine's got a hole in the ear. And she used to look, she used to rub the ears of her bum buns. She used to hold it, bum buns facing her and rub the ears. So they wore through? No, wore. And then she'd plop her fingers in the hole so she'd

get the brand new bear rub it no it's not my fucking bear these years are different you're trying to fucking you lost my bear love can't get a kid out of the pram like the dummy but no yeah i lost the bear so how did you get back well i had to go through customer service retrain well i first of all retraced my steps because I thought that was the most logical thing to do. That was not. No. That was not the most logical thing to do. It was busy.

I was stressed. I was sweating. My vagina felt like it was going to fall out of my body. I didn't know what to do. It was a lot going on. So I retraced my steps first of all, then went to build a bear. I need to stand in the queue and wait for everyone to pay for their bears and their outfits.

Could you not just buy a new bear? I could have in the process. I could have gone through and picked a heart, a scent, put my foot on its own pedal and filled it up myself by the time. Nope, no bear was handed in. So I went back to customer service. Customer service couldn't find the bear so i

had to stand at customer service where he ran around and asked about the bear also that just and the bear was allocated not only that it was the fact that he's you're an adult woman saying has anyone seen a bear could you just tell me what the bear is wearing the bear is wearing a puffy pumpkin outfit it was already we're looking for a bear he's wearing a pumpkin puffy with a hat yeah green stalk the lady's here yeah sorry you're how can you just you're an older older lady yeah older lady what's that got anything to do with it what is that as in old to be walking around town with a teddy bear wasn't a child yeah isn't it was i was trying to identify as an adult woman it was a really it was i don't really want to talk about it and i can't believe i'm sharing

it but if you've ever lost a bear and you've had to go on the search for it i feel you i feel that's quite neat. Because it was just the fact that he went, what's the bear wearing? And that split second, you're like, a pumpkin outfit. Is it a little bear? It's big. Like this bear is like this big. It's not a small bear.

His name's Barnaby. Barnaby? He responds to Barnaby. Between two and three years old. If you call him, he should come back. Yeah. Barnaby. Goes by Barb's.

Yeah. Whatever you want to call him he should he should come back yeah barnaby goes by barbs yeah whatever you want to call him really um he's a bit matted because he's been hugged by 35 children um can't promise you he's got no germs he may be it's the fact that they hand it back like here's your bear yeah here's your filthy old bear that you've wanted so bad and then i kept elaborating it's not my bear it's the bear from school where was he i don't know where he was but they found it yeah they brought him back someone must have handed him yes i think someone handed him in and somebody carried him back down to when you were looking for it did you at least have the children with you no they everyone just sat in the car right myself actually it was frantic insane yeah insane with my sweaty boobs and probably a pussy crutch

by this point i don't know what happened but yeah so all my only advice i can give you there is don't take the school bear home don't just pray that your child's really bad and they don't have to take the bear home oh do you get it for being good yeah it's more of a punishment having to look after it we shouldn't talk about this case sorry if our teachers listen oh i really cherish you i absolutely adore you we actually saw one of the teachers out at the weekend this is at the car boot sale one of dot c's that's what i'm saying about seeing people you know and i was like context we took barnaby we're taking barnaby out today and she was like oh lovely so yeah we um if you're listening we were really grateful for that and she got it for

a really lovely reason the bear what was her she got it for her really good effort in maths and for being so kind and respectful to others. And I thought that was really good. And she was so proud of herself as well. She was like, I've been really kind and respectful today. That is good. And I got to take Barnaby home. I want to teach Joseph to be naughty

so I don't have to look after the bear. It just made me a little bit stressed. I'm not going to lie. I was really stressed. It's a big responsibility. We kept taking it everywhere and it was, you know. Be paranoid then that you're going to lose it. Yeah.

Yeah, I was really stressed. Yeah. Everywhere we went, I was just like, Barnaby, Barnaby. Barnaby. Oh, someone got the bear. Can't answer me back. I'm calling the children. Calling the bear like the children.

Call me, Dossie, Barnaby. Get in the car. My sister was like, who's Barnaby? The fucking bear. Did you not get the family memo in the group chat barnaby's coming to watch the football today speaking of names yes there's one for your list barnaby um it's this thing isn't it it's people you know isn't it and you know that as in when you say people you know you mean the bear has already got the bears the bears

got the name bears obviously got the name you don't know there was there was people like growing up at school and stuff that's the thing i'm finding i find so difficult about naming a tiny human really hard is that you know someone knows somebody and that's had that name yeah it's had that name or there was someone at school with that name but they weren't a really very good child and you just think oh i know a little boy called barnaby do you i really like the name barnaby just doesn't resonate very good with me, Barnaby. Just wasn't a very good school memory. And again, this is a really... Shout out to Barnaby. From your school.

He's listening. This is a terrible topic, isn't it, to talk about? Because no matter what you do, you could offend somebody with this. Well, yeah, no, I was just going to say, when I said all three names out loud there, it sounded quite good together. Colby, Dottie. Barnaby. Barnaby, Barney for short. I do like Barney I think I just go straight in with Barney I still

do really love Ernie yeah like Bert and Ernie yeah but we already know yeah I mean and my not my friend but an old school mum that was at the old school she had a son called Ernie and I just think oh I don't want to be like that person like my sister's got friends on Facebook that have children that have the same names as her children like my sister's got two children's names and therefore her friend is named her children two of my sisters that's bound bound to happen though isn't it oh no what two of the exact same if somebody else called their children's colby and dotty and they were on my friends list of facebook which may i add is a very exclusive list because it's very small that list i'm not on it no because i don't ever go on there to be honest i don't i don't use it anymore

that's to then go on this is my son dotty two is weird colby and daughter dotty yeah two is weird yeah i'll give you that one yeah understandably you might like the same names that might happen yeah yeah but two is a little bit suspect isn't it it is a bit weird but i do love it when people message me and they're like oh i've got a little baby called dot isn't it? It is a bit weird, yeah. But I do love it when people message me and they're like, oh, I've got a little baby called Dottie. A lady messaged me the other day and she was like, oh, I've got a little baby called Dottie. She sent me a little picture of her.

And I love that though. I do love that they're... I love it when you find another one. Like we found... Joseph's name obviously is not that unusual. But it's not that common either. His spelling is different. His spelling is different.

But we met two other Josephs this weekend. And I love it when you meet another one. It's like you meet another Joseph in the wild. And I'm like, obviously we have to be friends now with the parents. Because your name's Joseph. But Colby, we met another Colby. She was a girl though, older than Colby. No way.

Yeah, in COVID I did body shop. Yours are even, what do you mean? I did body shop. I was a home rep for body shop. Oh, did you? Yeah, and I used to go around to everybody and deliver all their little parcels on the doorstep. Oh, yeah. You were the little Avon lady, the body shop.

Yes, but the body shop one. Oh, wow. I had so much fun doing that. It's even more unusual for you because yours names are a bit more unusual. It must be... I think Dottie's more... Common.

Dottie's quite, yeah, a common name. But when you meet another one, are you like, oh, wow. Yeah, I love it. I'm like, oh, there's another Dottie. Or when you hear it and somebody's like Lottie and you're like, oh, did you say Lottie? And then you go over and you're like, did I just say you there's another Dottie or when you hear it and somebody's like Lottie and you're like and then you go over and you're like

did I just say you call your child Dottie and they're like no Lottie short for Charlotte oh I'm so sorry as you were mine's short for Dorothy

so Barnaby's back safe and sound moral of the story and he's gone to school today and I left him with Chris today so Chris not only had to take Barnaby back

with the book filled in, he took the new bear and had to explain what the new bear. So he basically went in and explained what Barnaby had done, even though I put it all in the book, took the new bear in and had to explain that we're giving her in as a donation and what she does. Also, Dottie got a golden ticket. So we can write things at home that the children do that are good

and it gets put onto their little board. And they get shouted out at school. And you get to put it on their little board. It's called a golden ticket. So she had a golden ticket. So I also put a golden ticket in her. Because she's doing excellent, excellent sound. I did put them on my Instagram.

Phonics. She's doing really good. And she's remembering them. And she's doing really well. And I'm really proud of her. And it's PE kit day. So I hope Chris remembered. They're both in them.

Right. So it couldn't really go wrong. No, it couldn't really go wrong her and it's pe kit day and i hope you remembered they're both in them right so it couldn't go wrong no it couldn't really but it was a big day today mondays are uh mondays are a bit and we've got swimming tonight yeah and you're like peace out i'm going up to london peace out i'm out of bed i can't handle this i'll be back for swimming later oh god swimming's a whole nother subject as well isn't it stressful stressful i'm not going to lie it's not getting any easier but i'll update you on that one next week so buckle up bitches because you're not ready i'm not ready for that story that'll keep you tuned in for next week i'll get another you ought to get another lesson in this week what do you mean i'll get another lesson in before i can update you oh yeah on the next episode yeah yeah so that was a long secret that was a really long secret i'm so very sorry but enough

of my enough of my secret now next we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club this is the secret mom club the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets for you that we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, give us number one. Hi, Soph and Emma. I've been loving your podcast and I'm a listener from Ontario, Canada. Stop it.

We said this the other day, didn't we? What? Didn't we say in the other episode the other day? We had an American. Yeah. I wonder where we reach. Yeah. So where are people listening?

And Canada now. We've touched Canada. I've been to Ontario, Canada as well. Have you? I'm very chatty today. I'm so sorry. I've never been to Canada. Your last episode had me remembering a poop story.

Our favourite. I nannied three children for quite a few years. Their house only had one bathroom, which was usually no problem until the day they decided to all have to poop at once. Three. Three at once. Wow. The eldest had been sitting on the toilet for some

time and the second child had to go now i couldn't rush one off the toilet so my instinct was to take her into the backyard where she stripped down oh and had diarrhea in the garden on a bright sunny day the youngest was in a diaper so there were no issues there i never did tell the parents but the kids and i had a great laugh about it love you both emily oh emily that is genius that is that is drama isn't it i mean what are you supposed to do i've been there we had to we had a poo the other day and colby had to go in the bath and we is there one toilet in your house we've just got one toilet so if someone's on it that's it that's it and it's normally chris normally chris just shitting out all of his organs to be honest but we've had it we've had it where colby's on or dots random the other day me and chris lying in bed dots woke up half asleep in the middle of the night walked into the bedroom walked into the bathroom took her pajama bottoms

off got into the bath squatted and took a pee in the bath got out of the bath put her shorts back on and went and got back into bed no when we told her in the morning she was she was like no i didn't no that that didn't happen do you think she was sleepwalking 100 she couldn't remember it couldn't remember but there has been times when the children have been on the toilet and one of them has to get in the bath and take away oh because you what else to do or you can chuck them out in the garden, but... It's not always convenient, though, is it? I mean, luckily for Emily, it was a sunny day.

But if it was freezing cold, you wouldn't be able to do that. No. And Canada can get pretty chilly, can't it? Exactly. She had diarrhoea on that day, though. God bless her heart. Hard to clean up. Yeah, what did you do?

Hose the lawn? I don't know. Oh, Emily, we needed some more details. We need more. How did you clean this up? it's like with the dog isn't it like when a dog has a runny poo you just have to clean it up as best you can but it's easier when i do hose the grass that's artificial artificial turf but i i love that you did what you had to do you did you did great in that situation yeah but three children as well i'm this is something i'm considering it's now having a bigger family yeah we really need more toilets yeah because if chris is gonna carry on going

the way he's going we're gonna be screwed well he's got a year haven't we until we have another one going on the toilet yeah we'll be in nappies for a while exactly yeah thank god the third one was in nappies but nannying three children is a lot isn't it nannying three children to three children yeah i feel like nannying three children is like that, isn't it? Nannying three children. I'm going to be a mum to three children. Yeah, but I feel like nannying three children is like... That aren't yours, yeah. It's even more hectic, yeah, because they're not yours. God bless her, though. Yeah, good job.

Good job. Shall we kick off with number two? Let's do a number two. Hi, Soph and Emma. I'm currently really poorly with an infected lung. Oh, no. I have a three-year-old and a one-and-a-half-year-old, and they're constantly arguing and fighting, and I just don't have the energy to deal with it i usually end up

in tears because i just don't know how to handle them i just hope i'm not the only one who struggles to keep peace in the home love you both alicia god bless you alicia gosh an infected lung that sounds rough yeah that one is a hard one and there is i don't want to be that i don't want to be that person but it is their age yeah three and one three and one that's really hard yeah i want to say that we went through that we went through that probably probably about the same time yeah about three you must have had a similar age gap mine's exactly the same two years between them um and it is it is a difficult time but i used to find like when i was poorly and i had to have them both at home or you know do the best that you can i did find

like playing with them but not playing with them so if i left them to their own devices they used to bicker and argue and i used to be like mommy's too ill i need peace and quiet so i used to put a film on and say right we'll have a movie time. Get them a bowl of popcorn and a colouring book. We'd sit there for hours and no one would say anything. Even the one and a half year old? The only packs of pencils.

Oh, dots. All Dotty needed was paper, pens and food. Really? Whereas Colby was movie. Colby was always, Colby was like this. Oh, that's good.

But we used to put like our favourite film on, find a nice film to watch but i always kept trying to keep the play with me so i didn't leave them to go and play to their own devices or play with anything i even though i couldn't play with them i just lie on the sofa or yeah sit in the chair i would just have them in the room with me and put a film on make sure we've got copious amounts of snacks yeah and just try and keep it as calm yeah as possible but you you're doing the best you can and it's completely normal it's so hard

when they're too young to understand that you're ill because you're like i just can't deal with this play with you right now but you don't know that my little cheat that i do with joseph is just sit on the floor yeah because when i'm closer to him he kind of thinks i'm playing with him but i don't really have to make that much effort no that's what i mean like lying a beanbag can't you yeah and they they think that you're really engaged and that's what i mean yeah i'm fun just watch them and you're just watching them but it is hard they're hard ages as well because they want you to do everything with them yeah all the time oh that must be rough yeah i hope you get better yeah sending you lots of lots of well wishes and just remember that it's all normal yeah this is completely you're not

yeah you say you hope you're not the only one you are definitely you definitely are not you're smashing it bless you right rolling into number three the last secret says hello ladies my three-year-old daughter that hold on that was a hello ladies not hello well it's just written like with lots of o's is anyone home yeah but you've got to say it like it's hello okay hello ladies my three-year-old daughter once came across my sanitary towels in the bathroom she was just mooching around and was using one pretending it was a plaster i didn't feel the need to correct her and felt that the period chat at three was a bit premature. She would observe me using them and I felt that was enough at the time.

Fast forward to when my daughter was nearly four and we were getting ready to go on a family holiday. My daughter loves to be a helper, so she was putting together a little first aid kit into the suitcase. Cute. One day on the holiday, another child fell over and cut his leg open. My helper daughter suggests we share our first aid kit as we had lots of items to clean the wound and plaster it up. Upon opening the first aid kit, I saw that it was full of always nighttime sanitary towels. The big ones. My daughter pulls one out, opens it up and hands it to the

mother of this child declaring very loudly this is a super plaster it will catch all the blood my mummy uses it when her vagina is bleeding and that bleeds a lot she's got it right to be fair she even called it a vagina she called it a vagina try and come for us she's got the biological terms she knows where the blood's coming from i mean for four very not even four she's nearly yeah nearly four the mother stares at me not really knowing what to say and i burst out laughing my daughter was extremely confused by my laughter but continued to say i don't know if this is the plaster you need or if you need another one. I only use little ones, but mum's vagina bleeds a lot like your leg is. Really hammering that message home hard.

I was pleased my daughter wanted to be helpful, but not so pleased. Most of the beach now knew I had a heavy flow. Thanks, anonymous. A heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. Again, I haven't got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. Oh, my Lord. I can't go over. I don't think these period stories will ever

get old no never i feel like these are the best things in the whole entire world so oh hold on what the fuck is that an emergency lawn sorry are we keeping you up where did that even come from you're like this will never get boring i feel like the vagina talk will never ever get boring never but what i need to know is did she even pack it plaque any plasters plaque any plasters practically plaque passes did she just have sanitary towels is that all she packed was sanitary towels actually so perfect for a wound though so perfect aren't they for the only thing i was thinking as we were reading this story is as to what way would you stick it because the wings and the back would be sticky but the spongy bit yeah would be on the front so how how are we sticking it you'd have to let me know well she said anonymous they're the nighttime ones yeah they're

really long yeah but you'd have to put it the soft side against the wound yeah and then hope that you could get it all the way around the boy's leg to stick it over each other. The wings are not that big. No, not the wings. The two ends of the sanitary towel. Oh, what? Stuck over each other. The actual towel.

So the big towel. Yeah, so you loop it around the leg and then you stick the two ends together. So what are we doing with the wings? The wings are just hanging out there. And then we've got all the sticky bit on the outside. You can fold the wings back against themselves and then sticky bit on the outside yeah that is going to attract a lot of dust yeah but just enough to see him through until he got home maybe till he actually got a band-aid yeah thank you for sharing your secrets this week everyone is

welcome in the secret mum club and if you'd like to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretm mum pod on tiktok and instagram and have you ever had a sanitary towel plaster stuck on you or if you know how you would use it on a wound please do let us know or have you accidentally let your bum trumpet go in front of a doctor let us know there really is nothing too outrageous and if you're enjoying the podcast look out for our brand new bonus episode on friday and we'll see you next time on the secret mum club