Secretly Incredibly Fascinating - Raccoons

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Alex Schmidt is joined by comedian/podcaster Kath Barbadoro ('What A Time To Be Alive' podcast), writer/podcaster David Roth (Defector, ‘The Distraction’ podcast), and comedian Martin Urbano (The Tonight Show), live at Caveat NYC, for a look at why raccoons are secretly incredibly fascinating. Visit http://sifpod.fun/ for research sources, handy links, and the video version of this live episode.

Raccoons. Known for being furry. Famous for being stripy. Nobody thinks much about them, so let's have some fun. Let's find out why raccoons are secretly incredibly fascinating. Hey there, folks! Welcome to a special release of a past live episode of Secretly Incredibly Fascinating. A few months back, I got to put up a very exciting live episode of the show. It was at a venue in New York called Caveat. They taped the audio and the video, and that's what I'm releasing today. And I left it very live, very natural to how it was in the room. Also, if you want to see the video of the show, especially because there was a slideshow going on that I put together, if you want to see the video,

head over to sifpod.fun, or if you're already a patron, you're already all set. Anyway, I do a complete intro for the show in the room, in the live show. The only other thing to say about it is every week I really enjoy being online to talk to you guys. It's very, very fun to hang out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, especially on the Patreon for the show. I love hanging out with you guys. I love hearing your stories about the topic. And I'm sure a topic like raccoons, you have amazing things to tell me, especially if you're in North America. Going to be a lot of fun. Anyway, I will not be very online as this comes out because this comes out a couple days after my wedding. I'm taping this beforehand,

but as you hear this, I am now married, and I'm sure thrilled about it. I'm thrilled about it just thinking about it. I'm getting very happy. Anyway, I'm going to miss your stories for a bit. I'll be back, but after, you know, I've taken some time to enjoy and celebrate and honor that milestone in our life. And so enjoy this raccoon show. I'll be back after doing some very joyful celebrating. Talk to you then. I changed seats for a surprise. Anyway, hi, folks. Welcome to the show.

Give yourselves a round of applause for being at Secretly Incredibly Fasting Live. Holy cow. This is very exciting to be here. This is the first ever show in New York City. Usually I'm in our home nearby. But we're here. We're doing it. And I'm so excited about the topic we have and then the guests.

And right before we do that, we're all in one place. I want to say that I used internet resources like native-land.ca, also our postal code, to acknowledge that we're recording this on the traditional land of the Nopi people. I almost forgot how to talk as I did that. But that's okay. It's going great. Oh, y'all are wonderful. I am around so many okay. It's going great. Oh, y'all are wonderful. I am around so many people.

It's great. But yeah, we got a topic tonight and then wonderful guests, and I want to start with that. And I was thinking a lot. I was like, hey, what should we celebrate? We could find out about anything. And there are a few amazing residents of this neighborhood that we are in right now. And I was like, okay, what are some ones to go with? Very quickly came up with two potential options. There we go. First option is Vladimir Lenin. There's a statue of him on a building like two blocks from here, and it's weird. So that's one thing we could talk about. But that story is very short, it turns out. So the other one is going to be the topic tonight. It is racons folks it's a show about raccoons I think that's

pretty great and also if folks in the chat when we get to you later I'll be checking in with it but like you know I always ask folks what they think their opinion is of it or what's your relationship to the topic so I want to know your raccoon stuff you probably have some like. Like, it's going to be great. Because I don't know if people know, there's people live streaming in right now. We are surrounded by the internet, our favorite thing. So that's really good.

But there's a Lenin statue. Round of applause if you've seen the Lenin statue. One socialist right in the front. Great. Good. Oh, fantastic shirt. He's wearing a shirt with my face on it, and I've seen it before. I love it. Do you want to show people? I don't mean to put you on the spot.

Stand up. Stand. Stand and present. Holy cow. I love it. I can see myself tonight. This is great. Yeah, there was a order at the end of the Soviet Union. They were like, we need a few more Lenin statues in Moscow. And so somebody was like, great. They filled the mold or whatever. And then they made a Lenin statue. Soviet Union ends. It's laying around town in Moscow.

And then for some reason, a housing developer down here in lower Manhattan was like, it would be really fun to put that on top of a building on Houston Street. And you can tell I know the town because I said Houston. And so they put it on the building, and then now it's at 187 Norfolk Street. You can just go look later. It's here. It's the old leader of the Soviet Union. But that's the whole story.

On to a much more fun, great topic, the raccoon. Yeah, awe is right. That's going to be the vibe tonight. It's going to be all awe, baby. And we're going to talk about those. I want to bring out our amazing guests to talk about it. Want to give them a round of applause? Getting wound up?

Getting excited? Yes! Yes! Many folks to bring out. First one is a wonderful comedian and also podcaster. She's one of the co-hosts of What a Time to Be Alive. And also another great show called Lie, Cheat, and Steal. Please give it up for Kath Barbadoro. Kath Barbadoro on the show.

Hey. Hi, friends. Hello. How's it going? It's going good. I've also seen the Lennon statue. Okay, good. So there's two of us.

Yeah. Apart from you. That's good. The three of us will talk secret things later. Yeah. Yeah, plans. Yeah. Well, good.

Yeah, I felt crazy the first time I saw it. I was like, it's got to be George Washington or something. I'll just keep walking. That doesn't make any sense to me. It must be another famously bald person. It certainly can't be Lenin. But yeah. Wasn't it like, wasn't there like a communist themed apartment building or something that it was on?

It was called Red Square. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Very weird. Nothing sells like communism in the real estate market. But you, it's still like, you still had to like pay

rent and stuff to like a landlord. Very weird. Very strange. Oh, I feel so connected to you. That's great. Next guest to bring out, he's one of the writers and co-owners of Defector.com and he's a co-host of the podcast The Distraction. Please give it up for David Roth.

Dave is here. Hey, what's your take on Vladimir Lenin, real quick? Well, I can talk about the statue. Yeah, cool. The man himself, obviously, complicated, complicated legacy. Right. Broadly pro. I was talking to Martin backstage, not to give anything away, there was another person coming out.

And I realized that I was learning something before I had even come out. Because I knew about that statue. People had pointed it out. I remember the building was called Red Square. And yet I've never gotten an explanation for it. It was just one of those things that someone tells you when you're 24 and you've already had like four beers and you're like, there's a statue of Vladimir Lenin

up there. And you're just like, oh nice. And that's the only insight I ever had into it. I'm glad it's there. I'm glad that you have also noticed it and chose to remark upon it here. In public. I do feel like the things that,

because we were talking backstage, we've all been guests on this podcast before, and I feel like the things I learn on Secretly Incredibly Fascinating are the types of things that I tell people after having four beers. And they go, oh, nice. Right.

And, yeah. I was going to say that I've, like, dined, this is the first episode that I've been on that isn't about, like, a condiment of some kind. That's true. Well, I've like dined, this is the first episode that I've been on that isn't about like a condiment of some kind. That's true. Well, I've only done two, but you know, there's only so many condiments as well. And in both of those cases,

I have like bothered people at parties about being like, you know, they invented MSG. And they're like, no, I don't know that. But now I can tell them. And now we're going to do it about this fella in a moment. He's so cute. Yeah. And the last person joining us to do it about this fella in a moment. He's so cute! And the last person joining us to do it, he's a wonderful stand-up comedian and also a writer

for The Tonight Show. Please give it up for Martin Urbano. Martin! Hey! I'm pissed about this communist statue. I think we need to tear it down. Normally I'm against tearing down statues, but this one represents a lot of bad things that I think are ruining this country. Happy to be here.

Today we're going to learn about wokeism. Too normal of a take. Get out. As far as the topic of tonight, I always start by asking guests their relationship to the topic or opinion of it. Any of you can start, but how do you feel about raccoons?

I can go first. I live right by Prospect Park, so I have a very familiar relationship with raccoons, because I walk through the park a lot at night. Don't kill me

now that I've revealed this to you, audience. Don't come find me, please. But there's a movie theater on the other side of the park, so I find myself, like, I walk to the movies, then I walk back. Oh, yeah. And I have never seen, like, they are less concerned than, like, people are when I walk by them. Like, not even, Not even a nod.

Not even an acknowledgement of my presence. They're just going about their business. I am in their house and they're just... They're out there. They love to eat that delicious trash. Especially at night. I can't

remember the last time I saw one during the day here. Even though they're all over the city. They're everywhere. Yeah. The fact that it's definitely, like, resonating to me, the fact that, like, despite the fact that they're small, hideous, probably easily defeated in battle by a human who is serious about doing it, they are always startling us, and we are never bothering them.

Yeah. Like, my experience of a raccoon as a child was, like, being surprised by one in my suburban backyard and being extremely scared by it, even though it was just doing what it does, which is finding the coffee grounds in my parents' garbage and then

hideously scooping them into its face. Yeah, they don't spook. They're not like most wild animals, where they get startled and scamper away. They just don't spook. They're not like most wild animals where they get startled and scamper away. They just don't care. I've never seen a raccoon in person. I don't know anything about raccoons. Never heard of them.

This is a bad topic for me to be a part of. Blank slate. Blank slate. I think of them as part of an order of animals, which I know that you're going to describe what actual order of actual animal they're a part of but I just got back from uh Maine where I was with my wife and I saw for the first time alive I'd seen many of them dead a porcupine and I think of porcupines and raccoons as being just in terms of animals that look kind of like they're always a little like

wet looking and they don't walk very well and kind of are just hideous but endearingly so. I think of raccoons as slotting within that. Whereas possums are more hideous, not endearing. They have some sort of gland that makes them smell bad or whatever. There's that other type of animal like that. But porcupines and raccoons are just our

garbage friends that we see. I like that as humans we associate such vibes with every animal. Like every different animal, we're like, that one's friendly. That one, glant. We're the best. And I'm also,

we'll flip to the chat when we can, because I'm curious if people have stories of my thing. But I, like growing up in the suburbs of Chicago, I would see raccoons a lot. And that's one of the few animals i like growing up in the suburbs of chicago i would see raccoons a lot and that's one of the few animals that like carried over to the city because we didn't have like pigeons there you know like among the houses and lawns and stuff but raccoons still stuck around they are like i mean again we will we will hear about it i'm sure but i can't really think of an environment where they don't live like Like, I get maybe the beach.

I don't know if I've seen a beach raccoon, but. Brownsville, Texas, where I'm from. No raccoons? No raccoons. All right. No raccoons. Lots of possums. Armadillos, I bet.

No. No? All right. Fair enough. Just possums. It's the only animal we have. Not like the other large, hideous guys? No dogs, people have possums as pets.

Javelinas, nutria, things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, good. Javelinas, see, see. I've seen those guys. There's a video of one of them running. That's, again, in terms of hideous animals doing things that they're not great at. Watching one of them just haul ass alongside a road in Texas.

I would argue that a javelina is actually great at running. Oh, no, it's doing well. It just is like whatever. Not what you would expect. No. Does not have the physiology of something that looks like it runs fast. Right, yes.

Yeah, the internet also, I feel like it gives me a window into animals specifically through their favorite stunts or favorite tower, you know? Like, I just know javelinas for running and nothing else. And I'm sure they hang out sometimes. You know, it's probably chill.

They, I went camping one time in Big Bend National Park and there were signs everywhere that were like, they're not afraid of you and they want your cooler. So keep an eye out. That's what I know about awfulness. So they're Yogi Bear, basically. That's basically the...

Can we get the chat in a sec? But we can also just find out about these things. Because on every episode, our first fascinating thing about the topic is a quick set of fascinating numbers and statistics. And this week that's in a segment called... Start spreading ones and twos. I am stats... Sing along. I am statsing. Sing along. I'm statsing

today. I want to tape a pod in it. New York. New York. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Thank you.

One more time. I feel like you've had to sing on every episode of this that I've been on, but never that much. Yeah. I was curious about New York options, and then there was one in the doc. Thank you, Arthur Tanager. And I don't know how Frank Sinatra does it.

Folks, he must be tired a lot. Or was. Anyway. We've got some chats here about raccoons before we hit the stats and numbers. Dan Wally says, the only raccoon info I have is that I was told their excrement is toxic and should be lit on fire to clean it off my deck. Question mark, exclamation point, question mark. Is that a thing?

Can you confirm or deny or are we going to get into it later? He follows up at the bottom there. Oh, wow. Okay, good. And then heavy applause for this is solved. Yeah. I had nothing about raccoon feces. I think I was scared to find out. I didn't want to know.

I mean, it doesn't taste great. I didn't know it was also bad for me. And, oh, there's also a lot of video game references there. Yeah, it turns out there is a species called a tanuki in East Asia. And then Tom Nook in Animal Crossing is a tanuki. And then when they just North America-ize the game,

they say it's a raccoon. But that's the, you know, there's a crossover there, too. And I know that's everybody's landlord or whatever, but now you know. And yeah, I think that's the main stuff from the chat. And folks, just keep that coming on the internet and we'll check in with it later, too.

But we have some stats and numbers here about raccoons. The first whole set of them are about our neighbors, the New York City but we have some stats and numbers here about raccoons and the first they're the first like whole set of them are about our neighbors the new york city raccoons who are around us and among us first number is august 1st 2021 that is a date when a raccoon occupied the bullpen of the new york mets uh and i'm especially glad to share this with Nate because they apparently infest the baseball Mets stadium a lot. There was a whole... So last year, great Mets season, terrific stuff,

and I'd love to talk about it at greater length right now. I would assume. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. So it was not a good Mets season. That was my little joke. It was bad. But there was a moment where the team starting second baseman,

starting shortstop, got in a fight, like a fist fight, as you do with a coworker if you're on the Mets. And it was the – oh, my gosh. All right, good. Terrific. You can just read it, man. It's better if you read it. No, I didn't mean to step on it.

But apparently they got in a fight and then told the press it was a fight about they both saw an animal in the tunnels and could not agree on whether it was a rat or a raccoon. And they physically fought each other, was the claim. those two adults having a taste-great, less-filling argument about rodents that live in their workplace is that the press got so mad about it. They were like, this is not a joke. And not about the fact that there's raccoons in the stadium. They were just like, yeah, well, whatever. It's Queens.

What are you going to do? They were like, this is a serious game. These guys are getting paid a lot of money. And they're going to come in here and lie to us about raccoons. Yeah. And so that was like

a whole, that was like three news cycles of people. And it was like the only thing you could write about the Mets.

They were just like losing two out of every three games by that point. They're not good at winning baseball games and they don't know what a raccoon looks like.

Yeah. Who picked rat? That's it. Really not a whole lot to hang your hat on for. They've been good this year, but the idea of them as, yeah, that was like a real loser moment last year. Like getting in a fight with your buddies in a game that you lose, and then the excuse that you make up when you're trying to be funny

makes the daily news hate you. Right, because as i understand that that was fake like they actually got in a fight about like baseball stuff like defensive positioning they were arguing about how that worked and then like physically fought each other and then they just did this bit with the press yeah cool cool yeah the other thing is that the guy on the um so on the left there that that is like the Mets franchise player for the next 12 years. So you could see why the Daily News got so mad. You know, you're going to pay a guy all that money and he doesn't even know what a raccoon looks like.

Yeah, these guys are both hitters. And as I understand it, hitters are supposed to have terrible eyesight. Is that right? That's the main component of the job. Yeah, so the things that you want are poor eyesight, just non-existent impulse control, and then lie-telling if there's room in the scouting report for that.

Yeah, and this is apparently sort of an ongoing situation with the New York Mets. This is August of 2021. That's Mets pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Aaron Loop trying to help the staff get that raccoon out of the middle of the picture there because it was in the bullpen area.

Apparently, they had to keep the crowd out of the stadium because this was before a game and they said, we need to do the animal control before you can come see the New York Mets. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep people away from come see the New York Mets. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep people away from watching the 2021 New York Mets? I like

this picture because it looks like the guy in orange is negotiating with it. He probably was in the sense that Luke is like from, he's like a Cajun from Louisiana, so he's probably just like, hang on, I know these clicks. And he's just going to go in there and screech at it until it's like, oh right, sorry know these clicks. And he's just going to go in there and screech at it until it's like, oh, right, sorry.

Yeah, I didn't notice, but Orange Shirt, he's also wearing a camo hat? Yeah, he sure is. Wow. They sent the best. That's like the guy you picked. The manager was like, you're the one. Like, great. I literally thought he had an invisible head.

I didn't even realize. There's also like long-running thing. This is back in 2015. The headline kind of says it all, but there was a loose raccoon in the weight room of the New York Mets. They had to remove the Mets from the weight room to remove the raccoon.

They went to the World Series that year, so this is not something that just happens when they're bad. I want to make clear that there's always a raccoon in the stadium, whether they're winning or not. It's not a diagnostic for how the team is put together. Although, I mean, honestly, it works very well as that. If that was what happens, they lost so

much that garbage-eating animals infested their stadium. But no. But if they're great, the animals are respectful. They're like, I can't mess with Cespedes or whoever. I have to let him do his thing. And also, apparently with this specific incident, Bleacher Report says that it was a baby raccoon.

And also, it's OK. But the team staff was able to lead it into a cage to be removed. And then according to Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, they had the cage on hand because this happens a lot. Like they didn't have to go get one from the specialists.

And he said, quote, I guess they have a problem. There's just like gear at the New York Mets stadium for raccoons. Just going out. Yeah. Greatest team in the world and the greatest city in the world, man.

It's good to hear Bobby Parnell's name, though. Another Met that I would say that if there was a situation where a raccoon needed to be coaxed or reasoned with, there's always a couple guys in the bullpen that you can pretty much rely on for that. Not necessarily to get

same-side hitters out but like if the sort of thing where there's like yeah there's there's vermin in the weight room. Get Colin Holderman. I feel like the crowd has a decreasing knowledge of these mats. Yeah sorry I'm doing too much. I will say I know the same amount about baseball as I do about raccoons, so this has been a bit of a tough opening story for me. Got that sick invisible head joke in, and that's about it. Also, because I've been to the Yankees and Mets stadiums,

and I feel like the Mets stadium has this great reputation. It's kind of more fun, and the food is better, and I love that there's also underground raccoon situations all the time. They're just always going on underfoot. And speaking of underground, so the next number is December

27th, 2019. And on that date, we met our friend that the subway employee named Chepe. This is Chepe the raccoon. And on December 27, 2019, they tried and failed to, like, remove Chepe from the Nevin Street subway stop on the 2345. Because they just kept popping up there all the time.

And so that's like a cage baited with a bunch of treats to like carry your Chepe out. And the strategy was basically to... What? Also, sometimes this happens. I forgot. That was the next slide. But yeah. Apparently, like raccoons are often in and around our subway system. There was a viral video of someone like bringing one onto the train on purpose.

And Chepe did not decide to get into that carrier. They just decided to carry on with their life. Apparently, they hang out at that station a lot. For a day or two, they just stopped letting trains stop there because they wanted to work on this thing. I feel like... I used to live off that train and I'm just

wondering if I was on that train and I needed to get off at that stop, and it skipped the stop, and I found out why. I'm trying to decide whether I would be mad or charmed. I don't know. I feel like it could go either way. Sorry I was late to work. Chepe. Chepe.

either way. Sorry I was late to work. Chepe. Chepe. The MTA account has to do just like a really dry tweet about it where they're like, trains are running express between like Clark Street and Atlantic Avenue due to a Chepe scenario. And then like 10 minutes later, like,

normal service has been restored, like, in Chepe's scenario related to Nevin Street. Chepe's territory has been reclaimed by Chepe's scenario related to Nevin Street. Chepe's territory has been reclaimed by the MTA. I do, conversely, it would be fun because I do love when there's like some weird problem and

the conductor has to make an announcement. And like, I feel like some of them do the really dry one and some of them have a little bit of fun with it. And I feel like, I feel like some of them do the really dry one, and some of them have a little bit of fun with it. And I feel like I could imagine, like, a full paragraph about Chepe on that train. You're stopped. You're not going anywhere.

This guy's got the mic and a captive audience. Like, this is actually, I mean, like, you would do very well in that scenario, I think, just given the volume of notes that you have. Thank you. You're like, obviously, it's a raccoon related scenario, but it's, it's actually not as bad as it seems. Like you see that they,

they are around us all the time. You remember the 2021 Mets, right? I also, I feel like with those intercom announcements, I only ever catch a few words. So my understanding of it would just be like, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, chepe, whoa, whoa. That's all that would come through. I have cocktail party for that, you know? What I remember best from that,

from my early days moving here, was like every now and then conductors would, like if it was crowded at rush hour and there's like a lot of people getting on and a lot of people getting off, like having to like get on the mic and be like, let them off. Like you can like get on the mic and be like let them off like you can't get on until they leave and like realizing that someone is on like the 11th hour of a shift and

they're having a really bad time because they have to do this at every stop like it was a real humanizing uh sort of part of the experience of being here early yeah having having to explain how like object permanence works to a bunch of commuters. You ever filled a cylinder with a substance of any kind? You know how that works? Staying clear of the closing doors. And the city, like, these raccoons are especially our neighbors underground. And this is a thing that was part of a NYC Wildlife Department, like, PSA campaign of, this is a fellow New Yorker.

And I agree. Really great. But they kind of tried to let people know, like, raccoons can make their homes in rock crevices, burrows, small spaces under buildings, storm sewers. Like, they like a lot of underground tunnel-ish tight situations. So there are probably raccoons just in the subways around us that are not Chep Bay, and we don't know this. They're like the gamer fail sons of the animal kingdom. They like to be in the basement, you know? Where they feel safe. I would be so happy if I saw

a raccoon even once, given how many times I've seen rats just being awful down there. And I'm sure if you've done an episode on rats being secretly incredibly fascinating and you find some good pictures, I'm sure you could convince me. But a million times have I seen rats just being gross,

eating something they're not supposed to eat. And just one of these little bandit guys peeking out at me from the end of a tunnel, I think, would completely wipe the slate clean in that. Yeah. What have you seen rats eat? I actually had an encounter with a rat that was eating pizza years after the pizza rat scenario.

Do you think it was the same rat? I mean, we have had to take like the ferry service from Staten Island, I think, but it was like, it had the feeling of a celebrity sighting to me. Like I was like, oh man, I love your work. Like, you know, it's just like, we're like running out from garbage.

I have seen a rat go down the stairs at the 456 station near me, like changing from the local to the express. I'm running late, I'm running late. Yeah, and they're not built for stairs. It's just this hideous butt going up and down a bunch of different times. Oh, yeah.

Hate to see rats run down the stairs, but I love to watch them leave. Well, another thing with raccoons underground is it turns out like nationally they will seek out underground spaces and it's part of how they move from region to region this is a quote from a National Geographic article

they were talking to the University of Pittsburgh Public Health School and a PhD candidate there, Henry Ma he said that when they're tracking movements of raccoon populations in not New York City, storm drains are like raccoon super highways. So good for

them. These storm drains, that might just be going on and you don't see it. Got a little road trip. I like it. Yeah. I think I'm just very enthusiastic about this narnia of raccoons, but maybe not everyone else's. I like the idea that they're just discreetly doing their business like outside of, you know,

which would explain why they're so like unperturbed when they see Kath walking home. But they're just like, yeah, man, I got to be in a storm drain and then I have to walk a hundred miles because I... They have places to be. Right, yeah. I live in Trenton, actually. I'm just here seeing the sights.

Isn't this basically Elon Musk's idea? Didn't he have this exact idea? Yeah, I guess you're right. Wow. That didn't work. Because we're humans in cars and not raccoons. Yeah, he got the plans wrong. He was like, and then insert the raccoons.

It auto-corrected. Oh, no. It said cars. And then insert the raccoons. It auto-corrected. Oh, no. It said cars. And this is going to be another raccoon encounter here.

Another date, March 3rd, 2022. That is when Brooklyn resident Yesenia Irizarry shared a TikTok of a raccoon doing this. It entered her apartment. No! Whoa. Are we positive that's not the Babadook? The best case scenario is that there's a raccoon in your

lighting fixture. Every other one ends with your death. Yeah. It was all okay. But there's a ceiling light fixture and there was a lot of build up to it. She waited to post this. It happened in November and she waited until she had ended the lease,

moved out of the apartment to share it with anyone. But apparently this is a living space where it just has a big raccoon problem, and they had heard raccoons on the roof sometimes scratching at the walls. And then there was one in the fireplace wall that they heard. And then they talked to animal control when this raccoon, like, tried to, you know, reach through the light fixture and hang out. And my favorite part of the story is that the landlord's response was, oh, not again.

Oh, not what you want to hear. And then apparently that landlord and the animal control officer, everybody was like, yeah, this apartment's always full of raccoons. This just always happens. And so now she's out of the apartment. That's, like, good news ultimately. Maybe that was too spooky of a picture to share, but it's just this one super weird one.

One of the things that, like, makes them distinctive to me is that they have, like, I would say alarmingly human-esque hands for things that otherwise look like stuffed animals. The fact that they have like i would say alarmingly human-esque hands for things that otherwise look like stuffed animals the fact that they have like a pinky finger i never really cared for that personally i don't like it very i don't like it coming out of fixtures in a home either but yeah it's scarier because if it was just a little paw it'd be cute yes but instead yeah no it's a little baba duke hand for sure like, it's not what you want. I guess a lot of their cuteness is in spite of the front paw. Like, the front paw isolated, yeah.

That's some real skeletal stuff. Yeah, I just like any animal that could wear jewelry. I think it's like, it's a little bit creepy. Uncanny Valley level, I think. I don't know. I do. Now I want them to just have the four-fingered Disney. That's what I was thinking.

Yeah. Just stick that on there. We can make like five movies. Like just, it'll be a hit. Yeah. The voice of just a palpably checked out Jack Black. Yeah. Cashing some checks.

Oh, we could print money with that. I think that's a great idea. They don't even leave out the outtakes of him entering. He's like, you put gloves on it, right? It's like in the movie. Well, and the next number, it's going to be a much more

artistic picture of this thing, because the next number is five. Five is the number of fingers on each raccoon paw. And I went with, like, a pretty illustration instead of the freaky thing. And people are still not into it. People are still not enjoying it. People are still upset. It looks like the drawings in the scary stories

to tell in the dark book. It kind of does. Or like a Shel Silverstein or something. Yeah, I don't know. All the little hairs, it's not great. Hey, they're born that way. It's not their fault. It's not their fault.

It's what it is, yeah. But their fingers are very dexterous, and a big source for this part is a book called Raccoons in Natural History. It's by Weber State University professor Sam Zavaloff. He says that raccoons have amazing skills of tactile discrimination, and tactile discrimination is when you can tell objects apart by touch. Sounds weirder, but it's just you can touch them and tell. And they also have super sensitive skin on their front paws,

and they do a special thing where they get their paws wet, and when their paws are wet, they can feel things even more accurately and get even more information about them. Tactile discrimination. So much there. That's a Latino person. That's a Latino person.

That's, well, that, they can only tell that if they get their hands wet first. That's, then they can tell racism. Yeah, I think the idea of it being like a custom in their church, like before you shake hands

with somebody, just be like, let me soak this thing real quick. That's what people love, a damp hand. Yeah, it is. Always welcome. A damp and discerning hand.

Sorry, it helps with my tactile discrimination. Nice to meet you. Can I get a LaCroix? And then just do it. But then the front paws have four times my sensory receptors as the back paws. And that wet paw thing, it's created a myth about raccoons. There is a myth that they like to wash their food.

That they want it super clean or something. It turns out they're actually putting stuff in water so that their hands are wet while they're holding it. And they just get more information about it. So it's not because they want their food clean. It's like a pervert thing. It's like, yeah. I need to feel this trash better. Yeah, right. It's still

gross, actually somehow grosser than the thing, because the idea of them just dunking some garbage in some water, to me, I thought that was kind of cute, the idea of being like, well, I have some standards about what type of carry-on I'll eat. For one thing, I like the surface to be wet. I didn't realize it was so you could know

what type of carrion you were about to eat. The only thing that makes trash even more disgusting is wet when it's wet. That's always good. A real force multiplier there. Yeah, no good. Yeah, because there's also, I threw up this. This is a YouTube screen cap, but it's a useful example.

Because there's a lot of videos of raccoons just putting stuff in water. This raccoon did somebody's smartphone just into water. That's pretty good. But it's because the raccoon wants to feel it more accurately. It's not trying to eat the smartphone. And that's a lot of the reason they put stuff in water. What information can they get by feeling that smartphone?

Was that a dumb question? I'm confused. They can get the passwords, though, if it's wet. Yeah, they just touch is kind of the first sense they try to use in a lot of situations, apparently, especially because they're so nocturnal and they spend so much time doing stuff at night. apparently, especially because they're so nocturnal and they spend so much time doing stuff at night. So they're one of the few animals that wants to do that

maybe even before sight or smell or anything else. So it's like their go-to and then they're just good with their hands. Which is weird. Different way to think. I don't know. So I have not seen the video where a raccoon dunks a smartphone. Although I would like to. This is a great... Of all the YouTube

preview videos I've seen, it doesn't have a man pretending to yell with his mouth open in it, so it's automatically upper tier for me. There's a lot of videos of raccoons just living in houses with people, though. I've seen enough of those just in idly scrolling. I don't want to step on your stuff

if you're getting to it, but... No, no. Some people have them as pets, yeah. All right, yeah. That's normal people? Is that a normal thing to want? I didn't look into how to get one. Yeah.

But I just know you want to stay away from wild ones because of rabies in the population and stuff. Yeah, I feel like I could guess how to get one. Yeah. I feel like I could guess how to get one. We've established that they're plentiful. I don't know if that's how you get one, but

you could. You just rent an apartment and it already has one. Right, exactly. I'm going to look up that story and make sure I note the address of that apartment after. This is my rescue raccoon. Where'd you rescue it from?

The sewer. The raccoon superhighway. Like, I met the raccoon, it put wet hands all over me. We hit it off. That was it. That was... From here, there's also... We can get into how raccoons got their name,

because it turns out it's from the paws. The name raccoon, it's an Anglicization, according to PBS, of the Powhatan language word for this animal, because Virginia Algonquin people called them Arucon, and it's also been recorded as Arathcon, but that word means animal that scratches with its hands. And then English invaders took the word, but it's been known for hundreds of years

for being like, that's the one that does hand stuff. That's the one that picks stuff up. That's the this one. It does this. Hidiously articulated, very discerning. You're familiar with that one, right? Yeah. So yeah, that's where the name comes from. this one. It does this. Hideously articulated, very discerning. You're familiar with that one, right? So yeah,

that's where the name comes from. It comes from native people and also this behavior where they, pre-smartphones, were still doing weird stuff. Hand stuff. Hand stuff. I said hand stuff, didn't I? That's alright. Very good. I mean, we're getting into dangerous territory for me on a podcast where I can't swear.

Next thing here is a big trumpet sound for a big takeaway. Before that, we're going to take a little break. We'll be right back. I'm Jesse Thorne. I just don't want to leave a mess. This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife. I think I'm going to roam in a few places, yes. I'm going to manifest and roam.

All that and more on the next Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory.

no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls well and uh and uh last number here is five to seven. And five to seven is the number of dark rings on a raccoon tail. Apparently there's like an average number. And raccoon tails help them balance when they're climbing or when they're sitting. And according to Sam Zavaloff's book, he's a professor of zoology. He's an expert. And he very constantly says about raccoon tails and mask fur and everything else that we generally don't know why they're colored like that.

It might be a social thing, especially with the masks. They can tell each other apart. And it might be a camouflage thing, especially with the tail. It breaks up their outline visually. But all the interesting fur stuff about raccoons is just kind of how they are. We don't really know. They didn't evolve

to be more cute? That wasn't like a... I guess they could have. I hope they are. We don't really know. They didn't evolve to be more cute? That wasn't like a... I guess they could have. I hope they did. I would appreciate it. I like how this guy is sitting. I like an animal that sits in an undignified fashion. Yeah. A very like uncle watching football on Thanksgiving type of vibe.

It's possible. It would be possible to rest a can of light beer on his tummy. Have it for if you need it. And let's jump to the chat, too, because I'm interested if anybody had other raccoon stories to talk about or other things like that. Any Mets stuff? Mets stuff, sure.

Because, yeah, I've never seen one sit like that. This was a very fun picture-googling experience. And I've never owned one, as you apparently can when you're riding on the subway. And, oh, Vivrad says, Nats fan here. I'm okay

with raccoons being Mets fans, I guess. So we have an NL East rivalry heating up. It's going really well. I'm not going to say anything about how there's big Raytheon ads behind home plate at Nats games. I don't think I did just say it. I don't think I managed to avoid it. It's not important who has Raytheon ads.

Yeah, and I really sparked a baseball rivalry, I think, in the chat. So, you know, boys of summer, they're doing it. Oh, yeah, and some stuff about raccoon rabies. That's actually going to be the first takeaway here because there's great news about it. There's good news going on. Yeah. Good news about raccoon rabies. Finally.

Look, this world is tough, but at least there is good news about raccoon rabies. Yeah. Happy to hear it. Yeah. I think we can jump back to the keynote for it because I set it up. Happy to hear it. Yeah, I think we can jump back to the keynote for it because I set it up. The first takeaway here, it's going off the last, last number, which is $28 million U.S.

That is the annual budget of an amazing federal program fighting rabies and raccoons. We spend $28 million a year to try to do something about that. Let's cut that program. I was going to say. Let's give it back to the landlords. I was going to say. Like, that's money we could be spending on armored troop carriers

for police departments in small cities. Well, if it's like an American program, it's probably like they gave that $28 million to a public-private raccoon partnership.

Like a bunch of raccoon lobbyists who all secretly have rabies or something. That's why they have all the cuteness. Lobby. Yeah. It really helps. Except how most of that money goes to Brett Favre. No one understands how that happens.

Some backroom dealings. But yeah, we can do takeaway number one here. Takeaway number one. Yeah. The United States has a long-running aerial bombardment campaign to eradicate rabies and raccoons. We are dropping rabies vaccines from the air all over the eastern United States. It's really cool. I guess as far as an aerial bombardment campaign, vaccines is one of the better.

It's a fairly low bar, but this is the best secret aerial bombardment campaign I've ever seen associated with the United States government. If you blow up the raccoons, they don't have rabies anymore in a lot of ways. It does stop being a problem at that point. What form is the vaccine? Just like in needles and that you just trust that

they inject themselves? Land point down. Wet their hands, they feel it. Oh, this is a needle. I know what to do with it. So this is a picture of a rabies vaccine for raccoons. It looks delicious. Yeah, it looks like a cinder block.

Beautiful. It's not a ketchup packet. Yeah, I know. I feel like if they put it in a ketchup packet, a raccoon would be all about it. That's what I mostly see them eating. I'm sure that there's an element where they're like, someone in a lab is like, that needs to be so much worse looking.

There's no way a raccoon's going to put that in its mouth. Needs to look like a smashed ketchup packet at the bottom of a trash can. Will not even dampen their hands to find out what it is in this kind of condition. Like the humans distributing

it are like, I'm done with this meal. Putting a vibe around that was good i don't compost separately so uh and this uh this vaccine here so it is a fish meal cake that's the brown part around it and then there is a sachet of liquid rabies vaccine. And so the way it works is apparently, like, the raccoon starts to eat the fish meal. And maybe it tastes good. I don't even know. But they start to eat it.

And then, like, their teeth puncture the sachet. And the vaccine, like, falls into their mouth. They're basically, like, using the knowledge that we all want to eat Tide Pods. Yeah. To, like, just the universal impulse to to eat Tide Pods. Just the universal impulse to eat a Tide Pod. They're like, this also will help with the raccoon vaccine.

This fish cake's cream-filled, hell yeah! Yeah, it's a gusher, really. It's a fish gusher. The worst idea in candy from when I was a child has now become the best alternative we have to getting our nation's population of raccoons vaccinated. And like the commercial has a raccoon that is older than the actual target market because you like aspired to that as a kid, you know, so yeah.

Yeah, and so these are getting primarily dropped from airplanes across the eastern United States. So if you see one, do not eat it. It's not a ketchup packet, okay? Let's make that clear. The middle part functions kind of weirdly like a ketchup packet, but again, not for use. Substituting for ketchup, it's a different flavor. It's vaccine flavored. It's no good.

Like, the more they warn people, they start to talk themselves into it. But it could be a sauce. I mean, I don't know. This is like the Tide Pod impulse, where you're just kind of like, well, why do they not want me to eat it so much? What are they trying to keep from me here? Yeah, and they apparently they hand out,

in 2019, they put out 9.3 million of these, 6% of them by hand, 7% from helicopters, and 87% from airplanes. And here's how it works. of the aircraft ensures the baits are distributed evenly, while a kill switch allows the airplane's navigator to account for houses, pools, highways, or any other areas that aren't safe or effective to target. End quote. So there's like a pretty advanced system

of dumping these things all over the place. There's a lot to unpack there, I think. I was going to say, like I think, I don't know. No, I'm still processing. Go ahead if you got anything. Something about Lucille Ball in a conveyor belt just trying to get the vaccines out.

Something there. Yeah. The episode after the episode where she has to eat all the vaccines. Yep. Dark one. It's not great. She had to take some time off after that, I think.

The idea of someone that flies one of those missions trying to seem tough at a TGI Fridays to impress someone, being like, I flew a few sorties today. Let's just say that we dropped a lot of the thing that we have on the airplane to drop. We dropped a lot of that. Not going to go into it. Just think of the coolest

thing you can think of. I probably was dropping that. But also not bombs. I'm not bad. I'm not bad either. Just don't ask me. What if this was the plot of the new Top Gun movie? That's how they get around it. We want Top Gun,

but we don't want it to be a commercial for the Navy. So this is woke Top Gun but we don't want it to be a commercial for the Navy so this is this is woke Top Gun wokeism you thought the new Top Gun wasn't woke? I have not seen it I'm sure it's great there are not enough raccoon vaccines in it for me though so the reason that we have not seen it this is off topic and I'll be brief

is that apparently in order to understand the new Top Gun you have to have seen the first Top Gun that came out 35 years ago. And my wife hasn't and I'm not going to sit there and be like, so let's just watch the old Top Gun together. It holds up great. Everyone is just glistening with sweat and high on cocaine

in ways that no one has been high for decades. So we'll watch that. That's two and a half hours. And then we'll go watch the other one. That's also two and a half hours. I don't have that kind That's two and a half hours. And then we'll go watch the other one. That's also two and a half hours. I don't have that kind of leverage in my relationship at all. I'll be honest. I have seen Top Gun, the new one, and not the old one. And I will say,

yeah, it's not that smart of a movie. You don't really need to know the backstory. He's a pilot. He's good at it. He's like a good pilot. Maybe this will be my opportunity to constantly be leaning over and explaining

very obvious plot points from the movie about being like, he's flying the plane. That's chappy. Yeah, we watched the old one for the heck of it. I was explaining it to my partner and I think at one point I just said like they all have little nicknames

which is not a good you know like they do but got it thank you because I realized I didn't know his actual name as a person and I was like well it's because he has a little nickname so he goes by Maverick

wait what is his actual name? Tom Cruise. I don't know. Yeah, I have no idea what it is still. I don't know if they appreciate it if you call them little nicknames. I don't know if that's what they call them in the military. But here we go. You put it together and Tom can be like, you're all going to be assigned little nicknames.

These are adorable and they are yours and yours alone. I mean, in the first one, a guy was named Goose, apparently. And then in this one, someone's named Rooster. It's like, they are dumb little nicknames. Picking animals, assigning them like it's Reservoir Dogs. Because like sports coaches, they'll just call you your last name on its own really aggressively. They could do that with the pilots.

But they're all like, hey, get over here, Cloud Man. Got to add some whimsy. That's a good one, actually. Cloud Man is a good one for a pilot. Very good. A lot of people are fighting for that one. They all want it to be theirs. I got Raccoon Vaccine.

That's a bad nickname. Fish King. Cloud Man. You're up. This unit, they're like, what's mine? And it's like, raccoon vaccine distributor. It's just joyless. Raccoon distributor alpha?

Like, nah, man. Yeah. So yeah, they started doing this in the 90s and it's just been going on for a long time and it's also a really like long goal kind of project according to wildlife biologist richard chipman the goal is to eliminate raccoon rabies in the u.s by 2053 so there's going to be like an ongoing they're just like chipping away at this thing three years after the world ends we want to be done raccoons might be

ended before that we might have eradicated them although they'll probably stick around longer than we will they're pretty resilient yeah they're very adaptable I feel good about them but it's what they're trying to do and they also started doing this because the U.S.

also succeeded at eliminating dog rabies for the most part. Apparently there was a big campaign in the 70s and then another one in the 2000s. And it's going on in other countries, but not here. And so they said, like, what's the next animal to do? I don't let my dog get vaccinated.

We don't know what's in that. I don't want them to put a microchip in my dog. I was going to say, at the vet, they're like, would you like us to chip him? And you're like, hell no. Can't believe you even asked me that. Well, that's the one of the main takeaways here.

And there's one other takeaway for the show. So we'll get into it here. Going into takeaway number two, a U.S. president tried to make two raccoons fall in love at the White House. I have three guesses. Yeah. This feels like something that happened either in, like, 20, I don't know, 17. 22.

Yeah, I was going to say. Or happened in like, it was like William Henry Harrison's signature project and then he died. I never got to see it. What if he pulled it off in that brief residency? That was like the one thing. Like, it is accomplished and that's it. I'm going to die because I ate a cherry now or whatever it was that he actually died of. Now that these raccoons have fallen

in love, I can get these bourbon and beef bouillon enemas after I get shot or whatever. As my heavily smoking doctor says. I'll reveal the president here. The president is Joe Biden.

We love him. Broadway Joe. It's always working for us. Sleepy Joe Biden. Always trying to make these raccoons fall in love. Come on, man. Just pushing it. Who is this guy?

This is Calvin Coolidge, folks. Oh, of course. This actually is the best thing that he did as president. Yeah, potentially. Sure. of course. Of course. This actually is the best thing that he did as president. Yeah, potentially. Sure. I'm open to it. Who's a Coolidge fan? Yeah, so pretty much.

Yeah, I would say so. Yeah, yeah. This is, again, off topic. I'll be brief. One of the creepier sort of like new right guys that we've gotten to know, if you're like following the expanded cinematic universe, Charles Johnson is a bearded guy that maybe pooped on the floor at college and you're familiar or you're not familiar.

He, before he like made his full fash turn, he was one of those guys that was just sort of grifting within that sphere of like sort of like wingnut welfare stuff. And he wrote a book called why coolidge matters which for whatever reason that has really stayed with me because it's just it's about the worst title you could give a book like there's no i mean even before you factor in that the guy's a dumbass the idea of being like you know a lot of people don't appreciate calvin coolidge's presidency enough that is just you mace the person saying that. You don't hear them out. You just move on. That is, yeah, quite possibly the most tedious opinion

to stake your whole identity on. I'm the Coolidge guy. Oh, God, get him away. I just bought that book at the Strand. Is it not a good one? I don't know. I mean, it's like, I guess it's pretty clear. I haven't read all of it.

Maybe it's pretty clear. I haven't read all of it. Maybe it's great. If it was mostly raccoon stuff, we would have egg on our faces. That actually would be why Coolidge would matter, like all the other stuff. I know somebody from Vermont, and they were always like, oh yeah, he's from Vermont.

And that was it. That was the end of the thing. They were still not excited. I'm from New Hampshire, and there's one president from New Hampshire and there's one president from New Hampshire and it's Franklin Pierce, one of our probably worst, arguably worst presidents.

And that's how we all are about it. It's like, oh. I did an episode about him because no one cares about him. Yeah, he wasn't great. He had a tough time. He had a tough life. What did he do? I don't know anything. Helped the Civil War happen pretty much.

Yeah. I've heard of that one. Yeah. He like tried to run on his war record and mostly in the war he fell off a horse and got hurt. That was like the main thing he did. He was not great. Aw. Yeah.

I hope he was okay. He became president. He pulled through, yeah. He had a very nice house. It's in my hometown. So I think he did okay. Does somebody live there or is it a monument?

It's a monument that is probably like, I can't imagine how boring it would be to be like the person who works at the Franklin Pierce house. That's like the only visitors are people that are like, I'm doing every single presidential birthplace.

And like, I'm almost done. In fact, as soon as I'm done with this, I'm going to be done. How many people do you think they turn away who have like all their Ben Franklin gear and hats and fan stuff? And they're like, I'm ready for the Ben Franklin house. Their Ben Franklin foam finger.

It's like a whole thing. Same with Pierce Brosnan. Same thing. Like I'm ready for the Pierce Brosnan. A poster of Dante's peak that you expect to get autographed somehow. But yeah, Calvin Coolidge, not an amazing president,

but he was president 1923 to 1929. I had a little faux pas with the numbers. I don't know if I caught that. But he was president then, and then in 1926, according to the Library of Congress, some supporters of his in Mississippi, supporters in Mississippi sent a raccoon to the White House, November 1926, according to the Library of Congress, some supporters of his in Mississippi, supporters of Mississippi sent a raccoon to the White House, November 1926.

Supporters now. Supporters. Pro Coolidge. This was a gift. Yeah, and also... Really not doing a lot for the stereotypes we have about Mississippi with this. Yeah, it's all...

For being a surprising story, it's very what you think. Yeah. But so they sent this, and also the purpose was, hey, we're sending you food. Like, here's a raccoon. You're going to love to eat this for... I thought you might need some food at the White House. And specifically Thanksgiving dinner.

They were like, it's November, enjoy. From us. But it was alive. That's how it stays fresh. Gotta be fresh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think that was the plan, yeah. That's a good point.

And there is a great point. It was on like a really big train or something that had, that's like the 1920s way to send one raccoon to Washington, D.C. From Jackson, Mississippi. There's also, and I'd like to see if the chat has anything about Coolidge or anything else. Let's go to the chat. There are big Coolidge chats in the chat.

Why does Coolidge matter? Let's turn it over to them. But yeah, while we get the chat up, I was looking into the history of eating raccoons, because obviously hundreds of years there have been especially native people eating raccoons like eating any animal animal and then also there's still people who will like provide you with a raccoon if you know the right butcher to go to or something it's like actually

a thing uh and there was a press junket for the movie the night before with uh seth rogan and joseph gordon levitt and anthony mackie it was like a Christmas comedy. And then on the junket, Anthony Mackie told a long story about how much he likes to eat raccoons. He was like, you've got to get it from... There's a guy in New Orleans. You get it from the guy in New Orleans. He'll do it up for you. And it's great.

It just derails the press junket. Because otherwise it's like, so how fun was it wearing Christmas sweaters? The question was like, do you guys just crack each other up all the time on set? And he's like, well, let me answer it this way. Have you tasted of the raccoon? Yeah, can we get the chat?

I don't know if it closed or anything. But either way, yeah, apparently it tastes like chicken. Which, as again, the surprising story the chat? I don't know if it closed or anything. But either way, like, yeah, apparently it tastes like chicken, which, as again, the surprising story goes the way you think. But, yeah. But, I don't know, I'm sure it's good. I don't know where to get it personally, but it's a thing that's going on, yeah. No cool-edge thoughts.

Oh, thank you, folks, for encouraging people to have takes on it, because that was a bold move by me to expect it uh and very funny the audience do you have none because calvin coolidge come on and oh i forgot about the raccoon and disney's pocahontas that's a fun raccoon yeah a few people agree guardians of the the Galaxy, also a raccoon. Pretty fun raccoon. Some famous raccoons that we haven't even touched with our wet, wet hands.

Creepily discerning fingertips. They're trying to do that movie, and he's always just like, where's water in space? Oh, God. We need to go to colonizable planets. We can flip back to the keynote. Thank Oh, God. We need to go to colonizable planets. We can flip back to the keto. Thank you, guys. The White House there, they

receive a raccoon. Mississippi says, I can't wait for you guys to eat that as a family. Instead, the Coolidge family, what they do is they name the raccoon. They name it Rebecca. We're going to fire up Rebecca here. That looks like a Rebecca. As you can see, this is First Lady of the United States, Grace Coolidge,

with Rebecca the Raccoon at the 1927 White House Easter Egg Roll. Just hanging out. Rebecca was also given a red bow and was given a special collar inscribed, Rebecca colon Raccoon of the White House. So that's pretty good, you know? Yeah, but as I recall this story, there's a second raccoon of the White House. So that's pretty good, you know? Yeah, but there's, as I recall this story, there's a second raccoon. Exactly.

I'm really looking forward to when love enters Rebecca's life. When romance happens for Rebecca. Rebecca was a single raccoon living in the White House when her world was rocked. It's just incredibly awful sex and the City voiceover stuff. Meanwhile, in D.C., Rebecca was wondering if, I don't know,

I have a good Sarah Jessica Parker voice. You're going to have to imagine it in that. Rebecca's trying to type Carrie and it's so wet. It just fries immediately. Rebecca's main activity and thing to do in the White House was escape. She would leave the White House constantly. And it would be written up in the news.

This is one of the source here is CBS News, also Atlas Obscura and Smithsonian. But CBS found this. This is a story about Coolidge's raccoon slipping out for a night of gay carousing during the Coolidge administration. And I am guessing because of the collar and the bow and stuff, people were like, I know that raccoon is the White House raccoon

when it would be around D.C. This was before they had invented the news. This was just what was in newspapers, which did exist, but they were just full of stories about animals carousing about the nation's capital. There'd be like one news story every six months,

but they had to keep putting out newspapers every day, so it was just a lot of this, I think. I mean, we're still talking about Chepe. Things have not changed. That's a good point. We're obsessed with just raccoons with names. Yeah, that one was just in the subway and the workers as a group came up with a name.

That's weirder, right? Yeah, yeah. That's true. It didn't have a bow or anything like that. They all just saw it around. I saw Chepe earlier and they're like, oh, nice. Yeah, we didn't have to name it. And yeah, there were just more and more stories about this.

This one's very judgy. I don't support the tone of this headline. Wow, editorializing. Wow. This was like a lot of the news in DC. Rebecca would just get out, be around, and get into people's trash and be a raccoon. And then also apparently...

A great phrase that I just read. I'm not going to read all of it. Rebecca, comma, apparently weary and contrite, comma. I mean, it opens with, Rebecca, the White House raccoon, has disgraced herself again. Typical Rebecca. Once again.

That's amazing. I know it's been a while, but this is the same tone that the Daily News used to describe the Mets fighting over whether they saw an action. Yeah. That's basically the same lead. It's almost celebrity news, right? It's almost, can you believe what the lady we're judging did? Yeah.

This is page six stuff. There's a picture of Rebecca getting out of a car. Right. She doesn't have her bow on, everyone's scandalized. I heard she was canoodling. It's censored. Her neck is censored. Yeah, and

apparently like, Rebecca loved to escape and also got along with the Coolidge's okay. They say that her favorite food was corn muffins. Yeah. And she liked to, and here's a quote about her. She liked to, quote, play in a partly filled bathtub with a cake of soap, end quote.

And that quote is from United States First Lady Grace Coolidge. Like the First Lady would, you'd be like, oh, it's so nice to meet the First Lady. And she'd be like, let me tell you about my raccoon. It's great. It's going really good. Yeah. But and and then uh yeah as a foreshadow the second raccoon enters the picture so they have rebecca and then the coolidge's according to cbs news they acquired another raccoon named ruben and they named him they were like let's even do like an r name let's see if these two can get along. And they did not get along.

And then what happened is Ruben escaped the White House and was not recaptured. He was not brought back. So he just briefly lived in the White House and then left. He doesn't have to buy any drinks at raccoon bars after that. He's got a wild story to tell everybody. How did they acquire Ruben? It's unclear a wild story to tell everybody. How did they acquire Ruben? It's unclear.

I want to know. Ruben's mysterious as hell. Some other Sunbelt State's delegation was like, I don't think they ate the first one. Stop playing with your food. Eat this one. We're serious now.

This is our last chance to fend off the Great Depression, which is very obviously coming and which you're very obviously not doing anything about. Please eat this raccoon. In what way did Ruben and Rebecca not get along? Like they wouldn't sleep in the same bed or anything? In what way did Ruben and Rebecca not get along? Like they wouldn't sleep in the same bed or anything?

I feel like this part of the story is so limited by like, journalism was both goofy like this, but not like trashy. It was not like, you know, kind of get way into how they were doing. It was like, we're too polite to say why it went poorly, but it just went poorly. We want to respect their privacy in this difficult time. An anonymous source says that they're not getting along very well.

Probably because Rebecca's such a disgrace. That's what I was going to say. So Ruben didn't get the same sort of coverage that Rebecca did, where she's like, she's out carousing, disgraceful, whereas Ruben's like, he's going his own way. What could be more American than that? Escaping from the White House. Yeah, like Ruben escaped and they were like, he's going his own way. What could be more American than that? Escaping from the White House. Ruben escaped and they were like,

oh well. Boys will be boys. Then Rebecca, she lived with them for the rest of the Coolidge administration. Then when it ended she was sent to... Put her down. She was sent to the zoo. She was sent to the rock creek park zoo which became the national zoo in dc uh and so you know but did she ever find love

i am sad to think about her all alone especially because like if you're a raccoon in a zoo in rock creek park you're just seeing all the other ones like you being free. You just live in a zoo. Poor Rebecca. Yeah, that's a tough one. That's fame, though. It's its own sort of prison if you think about it. That is true.

A gilded cage. And also a real cage because she was in a zoo just a normal like a zoo cage that you might see at a zoo well and that that's pretty much all the info about raccoons has anybody's like vibe about them changed risen fallen how are we

feeling about raccoons now that we know more about their whole deal about their whole situation I feel like I know less I don't know if that's right. I know about specific raccoons. Wet hands and nothing else.

Yeah, man, like half of this was gossip. Yeah, it's true. There's a lot of gossip in this one. Yeah, no, I feel like I was kind of expecting to come away thinking they were like to have more respect for them but i feel like because i learned i thought they watched their food and stuff and i'm like oh no they're just gross they're like as gross as people who think they're gross think they are but this is again this sort of goes back into my own

personal like taxonomy of animals that I have observed. This makes me like them more in the sense that they're not secretly noble creatures of the forest. They're like the weird, wet, waddling bandit creatures that I thought they were. So I know a little bit more about it. And I know about some famous ones. And the ribaldry that they got up to in Washington, D.C. during the 20s. So, like, that's all good. I'm into it. Yeah. Yeah. The secret was a surprising

return to being an animal baby. Always nice to have your negative stereotypes confirmed. Am I right, folks? I will say it's good to learn about a new government airdrop program. That true it's like yeah you know there's a lot of them we don't know about so it's like i can just take one off that number yeah

yeah like i i'm kind of surprised i've never seen it right like i don't know it yeah apparently they mainly do this in the eastern u.s they also partly do it because I guess raccoon rabies was primarily in the deep south and in Florida and then in the 70s hunters in Virginia asked for a shipment of raccoons and then that spread it up. So now we're doing the air bombardment all over the east to fight it.

I feel like it would be incredibly cool to actually see the bombardment happening. If you were just out camping or walking around and then just like a bunch of weird fish pellets fall from the sky and you just like actually know what it is. Let's all find it someday folks and folks. That's our show.

Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you. Everyone. David Roth, Martin Urbano, and give it up for yourselves. I'll be hanging out outside later. I think, but yeah, thank you, everyone. Please give it up for Kat Barbadoro, David Roth, Martin Urbano. And give it up for yourselves. I'll be hanging out outside later, I think.

But yeah, thank you so much. Bye, everyone. Thank you.