Secretly Incredibly Fascinating - Vending Machines

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

Alex Schmidt is joined by comedy writers Robert Brockway and Seanbaby (1-900-HOT-DOG) for a look at why vending machines are secretly incredibly fascinating. Visit http://sifpod.fun/ for research sources, handy links, and this week's bonus episode.

Vending Machines. Known for candy. Famous for... ...dollar went out. Nobody thinks much about them, so let's have some fun. Let's find out why vending machines are secretly incredibly fascinating. Hey there, folks. Welcome to a whole new podcast episode, a podcast all about why being alive is more interesting than people think it is. My name is Alex Schmidt, and I'm not alone, because the great Robert Brockway and the great The Internet's Sean Baby return this week. Because I took that little interface on the vending machine of guests, and I punched in 1900HOTDOG. 1900HOTDOG folks, do you remember when comedy websites and their articles were fun to read

and enjoyable to experience and somebody put some actual effort and care into the thing you were reading because you deserve that well that was common in the past it's rare now this show's links will be full of links to 1 900 hot dog the website where that is still true there also much more than that robert is a wonderful novelist. Sean is a wonderful gaming journalist and game designer. I'm so glad Robert and Sean took time out of all that to guest on this podcast. Also, I've gathered all of our zip codes and used internet resources like native-land.ca to acknowledge that I recorded this on the traditional land of the Canarsie and Lenape peoples. Acknowledge Robert recorded this on the traditional land of the Canarsie and Lenape peoples.

Acknowledge Robert recorded this on the traditional land of the Podunk and Wangunk people. Acknowledge Sean recorded this on the traditional land of the Patwin, Muwekma, and Karkin people. And acknowledge that in all of our locations, native people are very much still here. That feels worth doing on each episode. And today's episode is about vending machines, a self-explanatory topic, also a patron-chosen topic for the month of March. Many, many thanks to Neil S., and Deb L., and Christopher B. for suggesting that topic, cheerleading that topic in the Patreon polls. It was a group effort and a really exciting one. So please sit back or stand there, smoothing and uncrinkling a dollar bill, even though you would think like the wallet and the body heat, it would kind of iron it out

over time, like flatten it, heat it, press it. I don't know how that doesn't happen. Either way, here's this episode of Secretly Incredibly Fascinating with Robert Brockway and Sean Baby. I'll be back after we wrap up. Talk to you then. Sean, Robert, I'm so glad you're back. And this is very exciting. I always start by asking guests their relationship to the topic or opinion of it. Either of you can start. But how do you feel about vending machines?

Ooh, strongly. Very strongly. Okay. I can't top that. Both of you? Or, Sean, are you taking in Robert's reaction? No, I generally have a real, like, almost depression when I have to eat out of a vending machine. Like if I'm in a situation, I'm like, oh, no, I have to do dinner out of a vending machine. That's a real that's a real bummer for me.

Like the worst day of my life was when my daughter was born and I had to eat out of a vending machine. That's what that's on the record. I want that to be there. Do you remember what you had and was it corn nuts? I think it was like two bags of Doritos and then like three or four Oreos, which again is not a good dinner. Not for a birth. It's corn nuts for a birth.

You're right. Just like the first anniversary is Charleston Chew and birth of a child is corn nuts. Yeah. I have the chart at home. I just didn't bring it with me. Like, it wasn't in our go bag. Just off the top of the dome for me. I agree that I always have, like, a really sad time

eating out of vending machines, which usually only happens on, like, long road trips at three in the morning at, like, a rest stop somewhere where it's almost certainly poisoned by a lunatic. But I always get really at three in the morning and like a yeah a rest stop somewhere where it's almost certainly poisoned by a lunatic but uh i always get really excited when it's time to buy something else out of a vending machine like i don't know what that is i don't know what the dichotomy is between food makes me very sad and uh but if you have me buy like a cord like a cable in an airport

those airport ones do feel oddly elevated right it's like oh i can get some 400 bows headphones out of the same machine that usually does candy i get so cranky if i didn't get my 400 headphones out of the vending machine like if that's when it decided to not quite fall out oh my god the karate kick you would deliver to that machine i would get such a running start and say all right everyone in this gate needs to step back for karate. It's not even the first time I said that. I do, yeah, now I wish, because those airport ones, it's like the more advanced super modern one

where it's a little arm that goes up and gets it. I do wish it was those weird old coils, though, that just rotate very, very slowly. You put your trust in this i hope it's i hope it's the coil for those big ones in dubai that deliver cars just a big coil pushes your car out and then it falls hundreds of feet into a room it explodes and you're like yep that was worth it you always hit the wrong button exactly what i wanted to have drops a refrigerator instead you're like yep that was worth it you always hit the wrong button exactly what i wanted to have drops or refrigerator instead you're like just a real human car salesman is what i wanted drops technically not slave labor which is a dubai's other big export that's their

slogan oh i hit b5 for technically not slave labor those's got a long way to fall. There's such a, when I was researching this topic, I realized there's such a humongous range of vending machines. Like technically so many things are vending machines. Like there's the newspaper ones where it's a bucket you open and ATMs are almost vending machines just for your own money. You know, like there's a lot of devices that give us things that otherwise a clerk could give us. It's sort of a universal item. Right. What do you eat out of a vending machine before we leave this topic, Schmitty? So I agree that a meal out of it feels grim,

and a snack out of it feels like a little treat. I actually like that usually. And then I'm always chasing the high of, I got to study abroad, which was very nice. And I studied abroad in London. And the little building where we did our classes had some vending machines and it's British candy. So we're just trying each thing progressively, you know. And the coil for specifically Lion B bars, which is a chocolate bar, the lion bars coil. For some reason, it was free.

Like you could just punch in that number and get it for free and you didn't have to pay for it. Oh, sweet. Were those terrible or they're there? I mean, you just reluctantly eat them. It's like it's free. I think they're like, all right. And then the freeness made them amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, they're not weird. It's like a pretty standard type of chocolate bar. And just an OK candy, like a Milky Way, something that you're like, yeah, I guess. That's actually the first secretly incredibly fascinating thing. Every vending machine has one item that's free. That's real. Oh, that would be great. It depends on how hard you karate kick it yeah i was like like i'm chasing that high now all the time of like i can't believe i had to pay for an item from a vending machine i wish this was a lion bar

in one weird syracuse university building in london i bet you think of that every single time you get something out of a vending machine. I do, yeah. Just that wonderful, wonderful memory. It's all a ploy. The guy that programmed the vending machine was just like I'm going to live forever in someone's mind. By making this one thing free, they're just always going to think of this.

It's my legacy. It's the same way when someone says, hey, it's magical. We had a child. It makes me think of the worst dinner i ever had i mean also doritos and oreos that's like a main and a side right that's pretty good there's some components absolutely and i i kind of drink exclusively diet mountain dew when i'm having a soda so almost everything else is just a real letdown. So if I'm having like a Diet Coke or a full like sugary Coke, I'm like, God, this is I can't believe people drink this. Diet Mountain Dew is the peak. That's the worst one I could think of.

I love it so much. I would use that as like a joke answer of a soda I got in a column or something. Yeah, no, I'll probably die. It says right on the can, like it just has a picture of the rats that died during the testing process. And I'm like, well, to be you rat. Part of that flavor. Yeah, I think they put it in as part of the flavor. This is by far the most disruptive we've ever been on a podcast.

I'm really sorry. Already. This is right from the jump because because vending machines it's kind of like thinking about the entire universe of everything that's ever been sold like i was talking to soren buoy the other day and i just mentioned this topic was coming up and he was like oh yeah in my town we had a cigarette vending machine until like the very modern day and it was it was pretty weird i found it strange like cigarettes used to be a vending product all over and now it's much rarer you know there's still every once in a while i'll go into a bar and it'll be like a one in the back and every once in a while they work which is crazy to me i prefer a sad woman carrying a box on her waist. Just a 200 pound box of mints and cigarettes.

That's how they do it in Dubai. Just the fakest smile. Yeah, yeah. Real hateful eyes. Like, that's the way I like to buy my cigarettes. So you can feel it. Yeah. You almost want to say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything that led to this. But I'm sorry for just capitalism in general, ma'am. But I will still need those cigarettes yes like what if what if there's that lady with the cigarettes and mints and then there's another sales lady behind her selling apologies about capitalism like it's a little script you can do and uh that's a business that's a real capitalist brain you got schmitty it's like your carbon off print your capitalist off-print. It's a real entrepreneurial mind. Yeah. Well, before we give away too many other businesses, let's get into the stats and numbers

for the show. Because on every episode, our first fascinating thing about the topic is a quick set of fascinating numbers and statistics. This week, that's in a segment called, fascinating numbers and statistics. This week, that's in a segment called Why'd You Have to Go and Make Things So Fascinating? I see the way you're throwing facts and stats at your guests gets me animated. With pods like this, you talk so fast and you laugh with no breaks and you make topic votes and you turn them into podcast theory fascinating things that become fascinating oh whoa whoa that was really beautiful thank you alex have you ever done this one stats incredibly incredible. Schmitt's for every one of us. Stitt's for every one of us. The same with the mighty

hand of a man, every woman in a child with a mighty stent. Somebody submitted it for the Pairs episode. If you want to hear me do it, not as well as Sean, you can hear it there. It's great. Yeah, what do you got to say now? How'd that bake out?

When I'm stancing with myself. Oh, oh, stancing with dancing with myself oh that's good though perfect recovery yeah i don't think that one's been done great here we go totally redeem yourself i'm sure it was just the zoom audio and not audio on your end but when you hit that high note the audio just didn't even try just cut out and muted you and put you in the background can't even train for that i can't i can't do it yeah my zoom screen had a little like text box on it that said too beautiful i've never seen that before in the interface warning earnesty rockway do you have a stat song? I'm not singing anything. I'm not doing that to my throat.

Not doing that to your listeners. No, I am. And that Avril Lavigne one was submitted by Johnny Davis. Johnny, thank you so much for all these. We have a new name every week. Please make them as silly and wacky and bad as possible. Submit to CivPod on Twitter or to CivPod at gmail.com. And there's a huge numbers section this week, because it's a very numerical topic, it turns out. First number is 215 BC, the year 215 BC.

That is when Hero of Alexandria published a text called Nematica. It's interesting because it's a very early written description of a coin-operated machine. It might be the first vending machine in all of history, 215 BC. And it delivered not technically slaves? I mean, yeah, 2,000 years ago, pretty good question. But it delivered sacrificial water in temples in Egypt. And this was also after the conquest of Alexander the Great. So it was Ptolemaic Egypt. It was ruled by like Greek influenced people.

So magic water. You put in a coin, you get magic water? Yeah, that's right. Not too bad. Not too bad. The specific coin was a five drachma coin. Drachma are a ancient Greek currency. You put that into the...

Now, you have the capitalist mind. Is that a good deal for sacred water? They didn't even use code Zipod for a discount on sacred water. That's indulgences, right? Me doing promo codes on holy water? Yeah, that's just straight up Martin Luther things he protested. I should be reformationed. That's what he was talking about.

And yeah, you put the five drachma coin into a slot on the top of an urn. And it was very complicated. The coin then fell onto the arm of a balancing thing. That tilted a weight that opened a mouth of a spigot to release an amount of sacrificial water. And then also when the coin fell off the arm, the like obstacle went back in the way. So it was even kind of a standard amount of holy water that you got out of this vending machine. Now, see, if it's, if it works by weight, like my brain immediately skirts that issue. It's like, like okay i just need

something that weighs the same as five drachma coin and i wonder if that's how 215 bc brains worked as well or if that's something i think that's how you guarantee a spot in 215 bc hell like it's it's holy i understand you're scamming the theological implications of stealing water from my dark and sacred gods. But I still wonder if that's what went through their head. They're like, oh, I can trick this god. Yeah. Idiot god. That idea did not come up around this in my source.

My source is The Great Vending Machine Book, which is a book by Michael Colmer, who's a British writer and historian. And thank you to the Brooklyn Public Library for an entire book about vending machines. He knows where you get all the best panties. You know he does. Oh, yeah. Are we going to talk about those vending machines that are in the club bathrooms? We have to. Have to. I don't really have anything about them i think they just exist some places under gross but they're truly awful yeah like i've put coins into them and it's not like consistent what you get like it almost always there's like a random thing like you might just get a weird plastic frilly thing you put on that has no reproductive uh purpose yeah

to do to do gotcha on birth control to do gotcha on birth control, to do gotcha mechanic birth control is nuts. Like, why do they have, like, a toy section? Yeah. It's so wrong that they have a toy section. Right, if it's a special occasion for, like, oh, sweetheart, we're going to, like, do, like, a little outfit on my dong,

I'm going to just... You're going to get that not at a truck stop, but from, hopefully, like like a respected adult catalog. I don't know. Magnum clown costume down there. Because it's your birthday, honey. Full clown costume. It's a special day for her.

You're right. Pretty sure the rainbow afro is protective. It's got a reservoir tip. I like how the clown costume vending machine would be most of the truck stop bathroom. Like there wouldn't really be room for a toilet or anything else. It's just a huge arm bar that you put a, I don't know, $10 in. Trust me, it doubles as a toilet. Oh, yeah.

That's included in the fetish. Yeah. One time in Portland at a, God, what was that bar called? I do not remember the name of the bar. It does not matter. I bought a firework out of one of those. Oh, that's nice. And it did not work.

Oh, to the surprise of nobody. It's the least surprise I've ever been in my life. Like, huh, fireworks, huh? Went outside, it was a dud. It's like, yeah, I deserve everything I get. Like, not just here, but here but in life like if you're the the fire department that came to that burned down bar and they're like well i think i found the source of the fire uh it's gonna sound crazy but do you guys have a firework vending machine

it was just like one slot you could buy condoms and fireworks i mean that's that's such a good night yeah it's absolutely great night for the consumer but that was definitely a black market shadow vending machine this is what happens when you bring up magic water vending machines smitty right it's a it's a time brockway burned down a bar and blamed it on i I'm sorry, am I getting this right? A firework vending machine? That's your story. Yeah. That's as close as I could get. Yeah.

I panicked a little bit. You know what? This next story is pretty chaotic, so I'm going to get into it because the next number is six. Next number is six. Next number is six. Six is allegedly how many times a warehouse worker picked up and dropped a vending machine with a forklift because their item got stuck. And the Des Moines Register covered this. This is 2014.

Iowa warehouse worker named Robert McKevitt spent 90 cents on a Twix. That thing happened where the coil didn't turn far enough and it stayed there. His next step, he put another dollar in, but the coil didn't turn at all that time. Oh yeah. It's forklift time. And then according to the Atlantic, McKevitt claims that he used a warehouse forklift to pick up the vending machine and just move it further back against the wall. That's what the employee says. Just adjust it, shift it. Yeah.

But his employer claims he used the forklift to pick up and drop the machine at least six times. And they proceeded to fire him and deny him unemployment benefits for allegedly just smashing up this vending machine with a forklift to try to shake a Twix out of it. Did he get the Twix, though? Based on the story, I don't think so.

It seems like no. This is shoddy reporting. That's the most important. How do you not know that for sure? That's your first question. Yeah. If it's any consolation to him, he's now my favorite Robert. I apologize.

Apologize, Broadway. I burned down a bar for you. That guy has the forklift spirit that I'm looking for in a Robert. He got a use out of that forklift license, or maybe not a forklift license. Maybe this is just something he did completely off the books, but I appreciate it. Yeah, he got in that forklift for the very first time. It was just like, I've always wanted to. I'm doing it. Finally, he got in that forklift for the very first time. It was just like, I've always wanted to. I'm doing it.

Finally have a reason. Yeah, it's a fun use of it. I think I almost believe the employee more than the business. It just seems like constantly, after the third or fourth dropping it, you would just stop and quit. But they claim he repeatedly smashed it up and down with a forklift. It's kind of crazy. It's a principle thing at that point Yeah, yeah, I understand that completely if you do it once and then you stop like what was the point of anything?

Yeah, you're doing it you do it hard and you do it all the way. Yeah, you don't crack the seal on being a maniac You're it's open. Let the floodgates of mania Run free. And next number here, this kind of solves that problem. The next number is 10. And 10 is a common number of infrared beams that are inside of a modern snack vending machine. The 10 beams are there to solve this problem of you buy a snack it doesn't come down oh because according to science channel it's it's like a spin-off cable channel from discovery

according to science channel many new vending machines have its 10 infrared beams spread in a horizontal way in the space between the snacks up top and the bin below that they fall into so if you buy a snack and nothing interrupts the beams, like nothing falls down, then the machine knows to keep turning the coil and keep pushing something forward until the beams do get interrupted. See, this is putting a forklift operators out of a job. That's garbage, though. That's not there to protect the consumer.

That's there to keep you from getting your hand up there and grabbing candy bars yeah i'm suspicious about those are security lasers yeah those are security lasers yeah you do not as a vending machine corporation you do not consider it a problem that your product did not come down when you already got the money that is a bonus that is built into your machine that is built into your like budget yeah see that's the capitalist brain yeah that's what capitalism is there are they're not gold finger lasers but there are like more lasers involved in vending machines too because science channel says there are also lasers inside of the modern coin slots that can like measure the size of the coins put in to help detect what they are. And then there's

another story from Northern California. It's a newspaper called the Press Democrat in Santa Rosa. They say that a company there in 2009 tested vending machine technology, where the vending machine scatters lasers throughout the area, like outside of it. And if it doesn't detect any motion, then they turn off the vending machine until motion is detected again to save energy and save money that way. Forklift detected. Forklift initiating defenses. Flyers out like that vending machine for maximum overdrive.

We have to have that vending machine for maximum overdrive somewhere in this podcast. Let's just start talking about that so we can get over in two hours i i have not seen maximum overdrive what no yeah i haven't we have such sights to show you okay maximum overdrive do you know what it's about is that the one where stephen king did the ad for it and he seemed high on cocaine? He was extremely high on cocaine. I believe he directed it entirely high on cocaine. Barely remembers any of it and you can really feel it. And it's about a comet, sort of, that brings all the machines on Earth to life and they independently attack humanity.

And I believe it all kicks off with that vending machine where a Little League coach goes to get something kicks off with that vending machine where a little league coach goes to like get something get something out of the soda vending machine and it starts firing soda cans at him one hits him right in the and he goes down all the players laugh like ha ha and then it fires another one and caves in his skull in front of them like oh my god and then it starts killing children oh my god okay explain that with your vending machine science what which one of the infrared beams did that hold on let me get my voice on and that's our fourth fact for today what if like that machine is out of frame holding me hostage like it's gonna fire a pepsi

at me if i talk about it. That's how we know the robot wars have kicked off. That's your flag right there. Yeah. I'm just waiting for it. Yeah, and speaking of vending machine danger, the next number here is 600 pounds. And 600 pounds is about 272 kilograms, and that's the weight of a soda vending machine

that in 2019 fell on top of a soda vending machine that in 2019 fell on top of a man without killing him. This was covered by Fox 5 Atlanta. This was in the Atlanta area. There was a handyman named Carl Marino. He was hired to just do tasks around a gym. One of them was loading a soda machine onto a truck, but it fell and pinned him. Employees at a nearby business heard it and pulled it off of him. And on the news report, he seems pretty okay. He's not in a huge body cast or anything. Yeah, and that's how he found out he was unbreakable.

Oh, yeah. That's a single tag team maneuver, 600 pounds on you. Oh, yeah. A human man should be able to take that. Yeah, and there's like uh i think it's based on wrestling based on wrestling wwe ology we know that it's there aren't amazing sources for it but people have recorded deaths from vending machines crushing people the most solid number is from a study by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

They analyzed from 1978 to 1995 reports they received. And in that 17-year period, they counted 37 deaths and over 100 injuries. So, you know, not very many. It's very rare. You'll also see people on the internet point out that that's like more than shark deaths in a lot of years statistically but you know a vending machine can kill someone if it falls on them it's just incredibly rare they should legally have to in the obituary publish what you were trying to buy if you're killed by a vending machine like that needs to be the last the last word in your obituary.

It's just like Snickers. God, think of the whimsical impact that would have on your death. Like, you led a full life, you had a family that loved you, and then you die tragically, but kind of hilariously. Yeah, the very last one is Cool Ranch Doritos. Very last line. You'll be remembered and missed by all. Donations can go to

the local church and cool ranch Doritos. It is kind of an embarrassing death if you were trying to shake a stuck item out of the machine and did it to yourself. But if like random gravity did it, it's less embarrassing.

No, it's less embarrassing no it's not random gravity does not tend to be very random i've known it for a long time i feel confident saying that it has it has a pretty good impulse control i think every single person that died was trying to shake it out of the vending machine yeah which is a fool's move that's why you either forklift or karate kick as we have established yeah linda and next number here this is march 2026 so that's a month and year march 2026 that is when the country of japan is going to phase out the taspo card card system. T-A-S-P-O. And I say it as a picture of like a mock-up of a TASCO card, because it's a special ID card that the country of Japan does specifically for cigarette vending machines. It lets you prove your age at a cigarette vending

machine to buy cigarettes. Tobacco tarowa. Tobacco tarowa. What do you think that means? Tobacco tarowa. I'm reading the katakana. I read Japanese like a tiny baby, but... Oh, wow. Is that someone's name? I didn't know you could do that.

This is very exciting. It's probably, it's definitely like a mock-up card. So, yeah, it's probably all like his address is 123 anywhere street kind of stuff but uh yeah his name's tobacco which is a it's a pretty sweet name the very first time i heard sean speak japanese i was like you can't do that that's racist and then he was like no that's real actual skill i carry a very racist energy with me to my foreign language speaking. Yeah, this is the only country I could find like this where there's an entire ID card system for using a vending machine. And it's because there's an age minimum to buy cigarettes, but also cigarette vending machines are super common in the country. And starting in 2008, they rolled out a program where you can get this ID card.

Over 10 million of the cards have been issued. It's like a reasonably common thing in Japanese wallets, is an ID card chiefly for getting cigarettes out of vending machines. Kind of everything has been in a vending machine. I'll link about a Beverly Hills vending machine that vended caviar at one point. Apparently there were some vending machines for live crab in parts of China at one point. Like it's a, you can put almost anything in modern machines now, you know? Oh my God.

Their maximum overdrive is going to be so much better than ours. If their vending machine shoots live crabs. Firing crabs at a hundred miles an hour. All the kids laugh when it hits them in the and then they don't laugh, and that crab goes right through his skull. And that's how the crab apocalypse starts. Yeah, you have a whole second apocalypse. Just for crab. Right, it turns out we were not previously at the maximum level of overdrive.

There were no crabs inside the machines. It was moderate overdrive before. Yeah, medium overdrive at most, yeah. Maximum overdrive there were no crabs inside the sheets was moderate overdrive before a medium overdrive at most yeah maximum overdrive crab that's the name of the movie yeah well and the and then these taspo cards are being phased out and the main reason is that they are like pretty advanced they transmit information over a 3G telecom network. But 3G is a little bit old now. That network's getting phased out in 2026. And so the program, instead of being upgraded,

it's just going to phase out from there. And this is so the government can control our minds, right? Yeah, thanks. Thanks, big government. Thanks, various Gs. Well, I'm going to miss my taspo card yeah also very fun that you're able to read some of the the language have you ever been there have you ever like used a vending machine there i haven't no i i don't like to leave the house much oh yeah sure i just it's far away you know like i don't blame you but uh cool yeah it's too far so the past couple of years

have been real convenient yeah it's people are like oh i can't deal with this pandemic i'm like it's real nice guys like no one's inviting me to things that i have to make excuses for so beautiful off of that we are going to a short break followed by a whole new takeaway I'm Jesse Thorne. I just don't want to leave a mess. This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife. I think I'm going to roam in a few places. Yes, I'm going to manifest and roam. All that and more on the next Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

When the last number brings us into the first big takeaway for the episode that last number is 1883 which is a year 1883 that is the year when a british inventor named percival everett patented and installed his first postal vending box in the city of london because the first takeaway here, takeaway number one. The first British vending machines dispensed postal supplies or drugs.

Or drugs. One of two. And it's just like those trucker vending machines for condoms. You're not sure what you're going to get. Yeah, you're getting a firework and a condom. You have two needs joined together. Just like those trucker vending machines for condoms. You're not sure what you're going to get. Yeah, you're getting a firework and a condom. You have two needs joined together. Just like stamps and cocaine. I need stamps and cocaine.

Right. It's such a common need. I'm glad you bundled it together. It really saves me a stop. Nice work, Percival. Yeah, both of these help me connect with people right stamps cocaine stamps cocaine either way i'm more outgoing uh god your segues are so on point just incredible like it's just top-notch podcasting well and this is this is a pair of stories for those two things

but the combination is to explain British vending machines, which seem to be kind of the first modern example of a country having a lot of vending machines all over. Main sources are The Great Vending Machine Book by Michael Colmer from before. Also online resources from the New York Public Library and an amazing article for Bon Appetit by Catherine Hollander. And me for that firework story. Yeah.

I'm a source. Yeah. And then this postal vending machine. So in 1883, a guy named Percival Everett installs one at Mansion House Station in the city of London. It was a cast iron box on top of an iron pillar. And I say you guys a picture of this thing. It does not look that big in the picture. But according to Michael Colmer, it was so heavy because it was made of so much iron.

It took a crew of 20 men to move and install this postal vending machine. They were very small men back then. 20 anemic Londoners. Yeah, like in the picture. With consumption. Every one of them. In the picture, it's smaller than the guy using it. Like in the picture with consumption, every one of them in the picture, it's smaller than the guy using it. Like it's not that big,

but yeah, you could not get 20 men's hands on that thing. It just wouldn't work. I can't imagine that thing being more than 400 pounds, no matter what it's made out of. Like, I just don't, I don't get where it's.

It was 1883. I don't know if you've ever been to like museum and seen the costumes and armor they wore back then. But I think everyone was 4'6". And dying? Yeah. Had polio most of their life. I could see... Running on one rotten fish a day in London?

I could see 20 very tiny men having trouble with that. Right. Like 20 men or three people who've eaten more than gruel in their entire lives. 20 consumption smurfs just wrestling with this thing. But and this machine, it was like pretty simple, but also pretty advanced. It had two compartments. There was one compartment for blank postcards and there was one compartment for pre-stamped envelopes so people could buy those anytime day or night including postal holidays it was coin operated

with pennies it was also advanced enough where if the machine was out of stock like if it ran out of envelopes or ran out of postcards a a little spring would push the coin slot closed. So you couldn't like pay into it and then get nothing, which is awesome. That's just very good technology. Right. And these were a huge hit. Apparently within two years, Everett formed a company and installed over 100 vending machines across London. Within two years later from that, they operated over 1,500 postal vending machines in the UK.

And within 10 years, somebody in New York City copied this and did their own postal vending machine in the US. So this was kind of the first hit vending machine in the world, was a British postal vendor. But it was really about the drugs i'm assuming like most it's gotta be mostly the drugs it's like how the the adult store happens to sell amyl nitrate we're like how did they do so much business oh well we just offer this fun bonus of drugs it's really about all of this old school pornography that we have it's really about

the stamps here everybody loves these Everybody's wildly addicted to these stamps. I love them. Can't get enough of the stamps. Woo. I'm the stamp king. I think my, I think my takeaway setup might've been misleading. I'm saying there's like another machine prior to this that was a hit drug

vending machine. So this is like the first sort of, you know, legal proper hit vending machine was the postal machine so there's no stamps and drugs vending machine yeah there's not one combo i'm so i'm so let down brockway is used to some very adventurous vending machines yeah you're gonna have to really up your vending machine game to get me. I'm already doing like sex toys and fireworks. I thought this was my next kink with the drug and stamps.

I got to mail a lot of drugs. It saves me a lot of time. I like to lift things that took 20 men to install. That's my kink. Do you wear one of those little strongman singlets where it's over just one shoulder and then there's a funny barbell the barbells say 1 000 each yeah i don't know what they're a thousand of but yeah i make a big show of it i walk around with my arms out i'm like everyone gather around to see the man lift the box yeah yeah kind of thing i do and the other machine here so this is

this way predates the postal ones it was something called an honor box and i say you guys picture this too it's it's not wild looking but as early as 1615 a.d so more than 200 years earlier i i think just from the name i know what this is this is where you put the finger of an unfaithful wife. Yeah, it's a real ominous name. When you call something an honor box, I'm immediately like, this is some Puritan sex thing. This is where you lock up your genitals for a period of time until you can calm down.

Don't like it. Like this is a jail it's immediately what i assume it really does sound that way yep yeah especially the uk being the source of this story all our presumptions about them come come roaring in yeah and that is something that it's an adorable term for a terrible thing, so that does sound like them. Yeah. But these are super fun, honor boxes. So this was throughout pubs, taverns, gathering places in Britain. It's just a little box with one coin slot on it and then one door. And then you just take the one?

Is that the honor system? That you have access to all the candy? So it was either full of tobacco or snuff. So it was just straight up a big box of drugs. That was the vending machine. But it was basically the mechanism of like a modern newspaper vending machine where you just pay once and open the whole thing. Just a bucket of loose tobacco. Yeah.

just a bucket of loose tobacco yeah and the idea was once you put in a half penny coin you open it and on your honor you take out a reasonable amount of the drugs and then close the door again to make the next person pay you also don't like empty it out you know seems reasonable to me right this this one failed right this is this is an anomaly in your vending machine research, right? Lasted one day for one user. I mean, then he immediately saw the problems. Like, oh. Right. Right on moderate amount of drugs.

That'll work. But it basically seems to have. And I think it was a combination of a few things. One is just like, you know,-timey morality in a good way. People just didn't want to do that. But also the common trope with these was that the wife of the pub owner or tavern owner managed this. They bought the drugs, and then they received the income from the drugs, and they ran this as a little side business. come from the drugs and and like they ran this as a little side business so it was probably a thing of like not cheating ladies was was something that held this uh ostensibly impossible to hold together system together of the communally pawed drugs that you then put up your nose right

right humongously unsanitary yeah. How did we survive as a people? But this was all over the UK. It was very common. It stayed popular through the 1700s. And apparently also in a few of Britain's colonies, including the United States, this practice got there. So there were at least a few US honor boxes. got there so there were at least a few u.s honor boxes i legitimately thought you were starting to say the 70s instead of the 1700s and i was not going to be surprised no this is still how i picture like the uk just if you had a big box of loose snuff that everybody's like on your honor gov yep stands oil up he took five handfuls Oil up! He took five handfuls!

Same's reasonable to me! He has no honor! And they pull out their broadswords. That's in the 1970s. The year 1977, everybody. Stupid Margaret Thatcher outlawing broadswords. So mad. That's the timeline star wars is in theaters broadswords in the street well and and there's just one other takeaway for the main episode which brings us to

the u.s so here we go. Takeaway number two. The idea for the first snack vending machine came from a New Yorker and from the leader of Mexico. And one more time, the first snack vending machine that came from a person from New York and also from the leader of Mexico. It's a relatively quick story, but a surprising pair of people contributed. Just a random guy from New York. The actual leader of Mexico and just some random guy from New York. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And some people may have heard of this leader, but the start of the story is that in 1887, so a few years after Britain starts doing postal vending machines, in 1887, a New Yorker named Thomas Adams starts the Adams Gum Company and puts up gum vending machines on the train platforms in New York City to sell Tutti Frutti flavored gum. That became the first hit American vending machine, was a gum machine. So we went to snacks first. We did the postal stuff after the british but america variant of snacks and you said his name was dr thaddeus tutti frutti yeah i wish thomas adams and he's also hard to google because that was like a son of a son of

john adams the president there's a lot of confusing results for them. Tooty Fruity Adams. Yeah. And so Thomas Adams does this gum company, but also where he got the idea is super, super, super interesting. Because according to the New York Public Library, like decades before the 1880s, Adams is a young man living in Mexico, working as a personal secretary for Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana. People might know that name Santa Ana from like Mexican history or U.S. history. He was the Mexican general who attacked the Alamo. He was a pretty famous Mexican leader of the 1800s.

And one of his employees was the guy who invented gum vending machines and snack vending machines in the u.s and he got the idea from santa anna yeah so chewing gum was not really much of a thing in the u.s but adams noticed that santa anna chewed chicle for fun and chicle is a rubbery latex from the sapodilla tree and and he was one of many mexicans who did this santa anna didn't like invent it but adam saw his boss doing this he said hey i'm an inventor i'm gonna turn cheek lay into a material for rubber tires and that did not work but then he went the whole other direction and said you idiot i'm eating this yeah it's just taking it out of his mouth gets fired uh yeah my gum tires alex i also speak a little spanish and you would say um

just if you want to put that in the notes. Every time you speak a foreign language, I assume it's racist. I don't think there's a non-racist way to say what I said. You really have to... Maybe that's it. I feel like you were also encouraged by knowing he was a powerful general. So you were like, I'm going to do the wildest, most masculine voice I can. Got to project. Yeah, that's true. general so you were like i'm gonna do the the wildest most masculine voice i can gotta project yeah yeah that's that's true and uh so he didn't like steal the idea for the vending machine

from santa anna it was just sort of loosely related santa anna didn't have like a big bucket and you put a coin in and grab as much gum as you want oh that would be great yeah no he's he's mostly famous for being a general and later president of mexico and and kind of a strong man too yeah santa anna's chicle buckley and so this guy added fruit flavor to his rubber tires if i'm understanding correctly and the rest is history essentially yeah he he was like an amateur chemist. And so he said, like, if I harden this cheek lay into tires, does that work? And that doesn't work. So then he went the other direction and said, if I like soften it a little bit, add sugar, add artificial flavor.

Is that a saleable treat? And it was. We're all amateur chemists. We can all give it a shot. We can all be like, is this something? I'm going to try to harden this gum and see if it's tires. It's not. Maybe it's still food.

It's four days later? I've come to the conclusion that this food I started out with is still food. Science! science yeah and so he like borrowed the habit from santa anna and then did his own flavoring it up spin and then borrowed the vending machine idea from kind of the 1880s world around him because this was just becoming popular as a thing in the uk and and he thought of hey we can put a machine on train platforms without paying a salesman. It's America. And so that combination created the Adam's Gum Company.

Later, he worked with Wrigley and others. And, you know, that kind of became the American first vending machine was snacks. That was our way to go. And we just borrowed it from everybody else. We're the ones that came up with the word borrowing to mean stealing. Yeah, because we speak our standard language, which is called American. We didn't get it from somewhere else. It's not from another country like out east a ways, you know.

No, we put these things together. And it's a new thing and we made it. Yeah. Amateur inventors, all of us. I think... Get out of here, Santa Anna. We're taping a podcast. Every time with this, Santa Anna.

Go back to the Battle of San Jacinto, where you belong. I keep locking the door, but it keeps putting that damn gum in the locks. Folks, that is the main episode for this week. My thanks to Robert Brockway and Sean Baby for being like a Twix bar. You get two wonderful things out of that one package.

So great. Anyway, I said that's the main episode because there is more secretly incredibly fascinating stuff available to you right now. If you support this show on Patreon.com, patrons get a bonus show every week where we explore one obviously incredibly fascinating story related to the main episode. This week's bonus topic is the surprising origins of the U.S. $1 bill. Visit sifpod.fun for that bonus show, bill. Visit SIFpod.fun for that bonus show, for a library of almost seven dozen other bonus shows, and to back this entire podcast operation. And thank you for exploring vending machines with us. Here's one more run through the big takeaways.

Takeaway number one, the first British vending machines dispensed postal supplies or drugs. Takeaway number two, the idea for the first snack vending machine came from a New Yorker and from the leader of Mexico. Plus a huge slew of modern vending machine stories, ancient vending machine contraptions, and more. Those are the takeaways. Also, please follow my guests. They're great. 1900hotdog.com is the URL. Very easy. 1900hotdog. They're also on Patreon. They make a bunch of that site free to read. And if you want even more site and also to be a hot dog hero and make the whole thing possible, go to the Patreon for 1-900-HOT-DOG.

Also gonna link other stuff, Robert's latest novel is wonderful, it's entitled Carrier Wave, and then Sean developed a mobile game. It's entitled Calculords, also it's in the process of being reformatted for the newest Apple iOS, so I am thrilled for that day to come, putting the link there in the meantime. Many research sources this week. Here are some key ones. A great book called The Great Vending Machine Book by Michael Colmer. A fantastic video from the Science Channel on US Cable or YouTube.

Further resources from Bon Appetit, the New York Public Library. Turn to the Yomiuri Shinbon for updates on the TASPO card in Japan. Find those and many more sources in this episode's links at sifpod.fun. And beyond all that, our theme music is unbroken, unshaven by the Budos Band. Our show logo is by artist Burton Durand. Special thanks to Chris Souza for audio mastering on this episode. Extra, extra special thanks go to our patrons. I hope you love this week's bonus show. And thank you to all our listeners.

I'm thrilled to say we will be back next week with more secretly incredibly fascinating. So how about that? Talk to you then.