Seeking Derangements - 458 - The Uncrustables

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I open the show by discussing updates from the Epstein file dumps, discuss Ghislane's allotment of toilet paper in prison, and take a very interesting quiz which reveals our true class positions in life. Plus Hesse and I coach Jacques on his attempt in becoming the next Jimmy Fallon!

Hello, everyone, welcome to seeking derangements. a free episode of the podcast so if you'd like what you hear go subscribe to our patreon at patreon patreon.com seeking derangements jock and hessa are here with me as always say a prayer for us or just think something nice of us just today if you can't subscribe if you can't subscribe to our patreon just do us a favor and think some nice thoughts of us period yeah why not please do it wouldn't be that hard for y'all i mean unless you only have negative thoughts about us which is also acceptable. It's not acceptable for me.

Keep those bad facts for me, you heinous bitches. But yeah, speaking of heinous bitches, Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein, Kikid. More news about these two in the past week. There's no denying the Kiki that happened. I don't know if you guys saw that.

I mean, I'm sure you've seen it. Jock, I know you're not on Twitter, but lots of rumors about Donald Trump sucking off one Mr. Bill Clinton. What do we think? I mean, it's clearly a joke that was made in one of the evenings about, like, yeah. But, like, the funny, the real funny thing that's, like, the new update about Trump and the files is that now Trump is like, actually, let's bring it all to a vote everyone. Right.

Because he's, like, like, all of the Republicans are basically like, this is crazy. We should probably, like, I don't know, it's going to look really bad if we don't vote to release these files. Right. It is a joke, right? There's no, I just don't, it doesn't, like, I'm willing to. The sucking off thing, you're still. Yeah, no, I need to go back to it really quickly. So, y'all, there was no truth, y'all believe in that action.

Chuck, why don't you, why don't I let you read the email? I'm so bad at, like, reading emails because I, like, can't, I can't, like, send an email. No, it's so confusing. I was reading that I've seen emails too. I'm like, wait, what is, do I read from the top or do I read from the bottom? Yeah, like, which part is the new part? Which part is the new part? I'm like, well, I like don't really even know how to send emails.

I'm going to be honest. So y'all never catch me doing anything, because I don't even know how to send a fucking email. You all never catch me doing anything. Where is the blowing part? Yeah. It has to do with Putin. It's like, Mark said, ask him if Putin has the photos of Trump blowing. So, Jock, that is the email that people are saying implies that there is photographic evidence of Bill Clinton, getting his dick suck by Donald Trump.

Let me just say that I think Donald Trump has definitely had sex of children or I think he's done a lot of bad things. Yeah, period. I have a hard time imagining him sucking Bill Clinton off. because it's a disgusting image and you don't want to think about it. Well, I just feel like... Or you're too turned on by it. I'm not...

It's too sexy. Turned on by it. But I just feel like Trump's lips would make such an... Imagine the noises his mouth with me. That's exactly what I'm saying. Trump's little tiny mouth. He does have a small mouth. It would make...

It would sound like a plunder onclugging a toilet. It would sound like someone trying to drink the thickest milk shake. through a coffee stir straw. I know you know what that sounds like. Oh, I know what it sounds like. Period. A few times.

Jock, if you had to see, you have two options in front of you. You have to either see Donald Trump sucking off Bill Clinton or Bill Clinton sucking off Donald Trump. Which one are you picking? Because it's going to be funnier if Donald's getting sucked off.

I will have more... Why is that funnier to you? Well, Bill. Clinton like we know he's gotten sucked off and right we know famously yeah I just I had no problem taking Monica Lewinsky Bill Clinton in imagining that sexual encounter vividly and okay I'm so curious how you're going to get from this point A to the point B of it would be so funny if he sucked off Donald Trump well good first of all Bill Clinton would have to suck ultra-horpe. Well good first of all Bill Clinton would have to suck ultra hard to get that micropenay even like to get an ounce of pre-come out let alone a

little bit of cum and then on top on top of that um just Donald Trump's come face is probably so prolifically embarrassing I mean why do you think he he hasn't had a sex take come out even Hulk Hogan I think it's more embarrassing wouldn't it be more embarrassing that he as Bill Clinton's cock in his mouth. I'm just saying, you know, that's like... But in this scenario, he's the one getting dumb. I know, I know. I'm saying the other scenario would be far more embarrassing, in my opinion, to Donald Trump.

Unless I was looking from, standing from behind Bill Clinton, facing his ass, being able to see Donald sucking him off, all I would see is the head bobbing up. I think that Donald Trump's come reaction is going to be, is going to be, Donald Trump's Donald Kump. Donald Kump. Donald Trump's come face is probably exactly like a woman, like a really girly woman. Okay, so it sounds like you're turned on. I'm not turned on. And she also has cat eye glasses and red hair and a polka dot dress and sailor Jerry. tattoos. I'm not horny. I've had all the sex I could have in a million years. We're not talking about you fucking fans in the show. I'm ending that right now. I'm just saying I'm not at this exact moment right now.

So who are you having the sex with? But you're not talking about having sex with anyone. I'm just saying I've had enough sex in the current moment right now today to say no, I'm not going to be turned on by seeing either of these two. So fun is such a high schooler thing to be like. Yeah. I have six. Deal with it. Are y'all jealous? 33-year-old man bragging about having sex today.

Okay, well, first of all, I have been very lonely, and I have not gotten any nooky in a long time. Second. Oh, second, second, second, I'm just saying, you're asking if it's going to make me horny and telling you that I've expressed all the horniness inside my being. All right. We're pivoting.

I'm not talking about this on the show. Get over yourselves. Y'all are weak for not. letting me express my sexual identity. Galane, someone else who struggles with expressing her sexual identity and almost a federal way, if you know what I'm saying. She is in prison at the moment. And what was funny about this to me, I mean, she came out before her prison transfer,

came out and said that Donald Trump was not in the Epstein files. Of course, we know that that is like, just a categorically not true. Like a complete lie. So the quid pro quo there is extremely obvious. I don't know if there's criminal or anything. but like... No, I don't think it is because...

But insane. I mean, she clearly was offered. Like, look, you say Donald is not in the Epstein Files and we will send you to Club Fed

with Elizabeth Holmes and Jennifer Shaw. Yeah, I think it would be so funny if like after she lied and like, if Trump pardoned her even after the files

get released. Right. Which, again, I just want to pivot back to it's so, like, Trump is like, let's get

the house to vote to release these files so that everyone can see that it's a hoax but like the thing is he can just release them at any time like they don't even need to do a vote yeah i mean the it's it is simply masterful political maneuvering from donald trump here he yeah said that he wasn't in them then he said that he didn't want them release now he's saying he wants them release after it's been proven that he's in them because he i mean he's just backed himself into a corner. I do think, I mean, we'll talk more about this on Thursday because I asked Max to come on

for this, our Latin American correspondent. But it's, Donald Trump just held a press conference today in which he said that no options are off the table for dealing with Venezuela or whatever. Yeah. It's becoming extremely clear that Donald Trump is going to expedite the

invasion of Venezuela to distract from this. and the WMDs in question is just going to be fentanyl and that's even dumber than it's okay Jockey don't need worry about it. It's even dumber than the excuse

we killed like a million herackeys but we'll get more into that on Thursday. I have a clip here of what Galane's life is like in prison and what she what the benefits are of the new prison she's in and why she said Donald Trump was not in the Epstein files. Let's watch here.

Gillian Maxwell has been getting special treatment inside of a minimum security prison in Texas where she's currently serving 20 years for child sex trafficking. Sources who are familiar with Maxwell's life inside prison tell us that she has unlimited access to toilet paper, for example. Unlimited access to toilet paper. See, that's something I wouldn't even think about like about jail, you know. is that like I was actually thinking about that the other day is like in jail you can't you probably can't use like two towels to dry off and like just the fact you don't even the fact that

I would have that jock let me talk the fact that you would that I would have that thought is like I would not survive an hour in prison can I get another towel they make you wear the same jumpsuit for like a week and a half without doing laundry I think it's cruel enough to have to wear the same clothes that long, let alone use the same towel. I have to use a new towel every day because of Mercer. Well, I mean, it's not a bad idea to use a new towel. Yeah, everyone uses the new towel every day. I don't know. Some people use it

for twice a day. Twice a day? I mean, twice a day I would use it if I took two showers. If I use a towel, it's been used that's it. One use, that's it. A government agent in a A hazmat suit And a hazmat suit shows up and like dumps it in a super fun site One block away from your house Let's keep watching here

The typical inmate gets just two rolls per week Crazy, how fast would you all go through Jock? I have much for you. How fast would you go through two rolls? You don't want it, okay, to put it in perspective I probably buy once a week Either a 25 or 30 pack of toilet paper You go through 30 rolls of toilet paper a week?

Something like that. What? That's like five a day. Five shits a day? No, that can be. Are you in a competition to figure out how much you can fill up a septic tank? No, I mean, well, I blow my nose a lot. I hear it all the time, yes.

I also. Jack off. It's for Jack. No, no, no. I'm just going to say that I'm going to be very frank. I have condoms that I set aside to jack off in so I don't make a mess What? That's crazy

What? Look, ew, because... What you jack off with a condom? Because look, can you hear me out? Can you hear me out for a second? Can you just listen out? Can you just listen up for a second? Instead of having a rag that I'm either going to have to wash or a shameful piece of paper powder that I'm going to have to throw away and then put some other piece of trash

on top. What about toilet paper? Well, toilet paper. Don't you have 50 rolls of it just at your house all the time? Yeah, but the toilet paper isn't thick enough. And it's like a lot, so I don't think it's not,

and it's gonna, and I'm not, again, I'm not, I'm not trying to gross you out. And I was actually like, talking about cursing you out on accident today. But if it gets stuck in my pubes, if I come and then it's all in my pubes, then I have to wash it out. I can't hear this.

I can't hear this. This is disgusting. At one point, she was getting her meals and mail delivered to herself. She's also been allowed to use the chaplain's office inside the chapel for guests visiting outside of visitation hours. And Maxwell's arrival at this prison has really had a chilling effect on the other inmates there. Pause, pause, pause.

That means they're all chilling out together and wearing sunglasses. Girl, you know they are. The chilling effect has fucking hit at girls' club. I want to go to that damn prison. Elizabeth Holmes, Jen Shaw, I would, yes, I would hang out with Galane.

I would probably be a huge bitch to her because of her many crimes. But even in that context, it would be so fun to bully Galane at all women's prison at ClubFed. Me and Jen are pen pals. Do you think she gets bullied? Have you sent her letters?

We wrote her an email on the show. Well, I got, she sent me an audio recording back once on DMs. And I'm, now I just, let me put it this way. We're just starting our pin paliship. I just got her mailing address for jail. Well, keep us up to date on that. I want to know what your full exchange is. Oh, absolutely.

Once you've developed a rapport, I'd love to hear it. And Elizabeth Holmes has been on. on the show twice. That's true. Very true. She's been on this show? Yeah. It was for a more serious interview that we didn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My Uncle Columbo helped interview. That guy. We didn't want you to get jealous of Elizabeth Holmes and start a competing blood reading company. Y'all, Ben and Hesse tell me, hey, don't worry. You don't have to come to work on next Monday. And then they tell me later that day, they're like, yeah,

We're recording with Gregoraki, Seth McFarlane, and Inya. We didn't want you to come because we didn't want you to get too overt. We're forming a band with those three people. We in Van. It's going to be called the We Hate Jock. Stop. Shut the fuck up. And it's going to be a Zidico band.

No! Your are being so unfair. Our first album is going to be called Jumbalaya Meltdown. This is what Ben and Hesse act like when they're excluding me. Two kissing. Not paying attention to the world, just looking at each other, kissing each other. If you couldn't, if you couldn't see that, I'm holding up a figurine of frogs kissing each other. And it's to represent.

And if you could see that, get your camera out of shocks. Yeah. Please stop. If you could see that. Actually, if you could see that, you probably already gouted out your eyes because of all of the acts that have been described earlier in this episode. So sorry, sorry, I hope you learn how to walk with a cane. tune and get a very nice golden retriever who can help you. Angel and Greta kept the camera on after we ended recording,

and they said they saw some funky stuff. They kept your, you mean you kept the camera on? They put up in your camera. It was my camera, yeah, but it was nothing too embarrassed. But they kept my camera on. Those bitches kept my damn camera. They saw me hugging someone and then cleaning my room. They forgot to turn off my camera.

Scary. Very scary. but yeah i mean we'll see what happens um i do think i just like can galane and trump get away with this obvious of an exchange i guess i mean they are getting away with it it's not really even a question if the entire files get released because trump has now demanded them i don't think there's any genuine opposition to the files being released now i just it's going to get so fucking crazy because i don't know how trump kind of gets out of this like seriously i don't think i don't think Trump has given Galane prison, like, special prison

privilege. He transferred, she was transferred to a minimal security. But that wasn't Trump doing it. I think that was probably just her for, like, cooperating. Like, I doubt that she would have gotten, like, ended up at any other place. Let me put it. Let me, let me, even, I think, I think she was doing the Trump stuff

because she was, like, this kind of like, Hail Mary thing of being like, maybe he'll just fucking pardon me. Well, the thing is, she could have cooperated and you have absolutely, right that that's the reason they may be transferred her. However, maybe that's the reason they want us to believe, and it's 100% Trump pulling it behind the scenes. I don't know how powerful he really is. I don't know how the world works, but it's... Well, he is the president.

I challenge. What? I challenge his authority, I think. I mean, I'm not going to do anything. Bold. Bold. But I'm just saying, I think I could do it better enough. Okay, you said something very courageous and I backing out of it. Yeah, I think, yeah. I challenge his authority, but I'm not going to do anything about it.

No, I challenge his authority. I just don't think. But how do you challenge it if you don't do anything about it? I'm saying it right now. I say, hey, Trump, what you're doing right now is bad and I'm standing up against it. I've renounced my citizenship, y'all, the other day. No, wait, why would you do that? You really did that?

This is, we live in a demonic, murderous nation run by pedophiles. And it's full of ugly people. And I'm like, I know, I have to put sunglasses on the people are so ugly these days. It's driving me nuts. I declared, I'll do it right now. I, Ben Mora, hereby, renounce my citizenship. Okay, okay. I condemn the United States of America and it's pedophilic, murderous, corrupt government,

and it's ugly, ugly people. And I hereby renounce my citizenship. I don't want it back. Deport me. I hear by now. I agree. I say the same thing. I hereby announce my

effectively, effective immediately presidency. I am now president. I will be taking over. Oh, interesting. I don't know if anyone's ever tried that before. Yeah, I know. They're like the Supreme Court

checking the law books being like, fuck, does that actually work? The electoral college hates this one weird trick. This is an old non-binary trick. It's the old switch of Maroo. I'm a gender chameleon just when I need to be. When I need to be president, that's the gender I am. Oh, what's my, what's my gender?

President. Is that, what's my pronouns? That's President Jacques to you now. Nice. The Switchamaru, I think, was a famous ship that was lost in Antarctica. And I think 19-20. No, Hesse, it wasn't a famous ship. It was a great grand uncle who died.

Switcher-Mur-Roo. Switcher-Mur-B-O who was eaten by an Alec Gatorney, Monserot. The great alligator. Bring Switchamaroo back to us, Montserrat. You evil, you evil, demonic beast. The toughest

swamp tour guide you ever seen. He could hold two gators in his mouth and dance up top the water like Jesus himself. He was Cajun Jesus. Right. But I don't know. We'll see what happens.

I kind of feel like. Trump is just going to, I mean, if the files get released, it's going to be so much more shit on him. If this is just the tip of the iceberg, we've already seen, like, direct conclusion between him and I think it was Mark Epstein of just, like, suppressing these because they didn't want to get out. Trump is the dog that hasn't barked, et cetera, et cetera. I'm like, I don't know what else is in here. You know about the girls. How?

Yeah, when he, the fact that he got so distracted by a bunch of 14-year-old girls in a pool that he walked head first. into a glass door and then they were complaining about it they're like we had to get a maiden here to wipe off the nose print that he left because you know he has an oily ass fucking nose I don't know what he's going to do

I mean he's going to invade Venezuela is what he's going to do of course but what yeah yeah yeah and I love the emails between Epstein and the New York Times reporter this was really the craziest thing to me on there but it's like emails between Epstein and New York Times for being like, hey, just so you know,

we have all this info on you being a pedophile, question mark. If you let me know that this isn't true, I'll just bury the story for you. Thanks. Like, what the fuck? Let me ask you this. I see all these really like, maybe it's reactionary.

I don't know. What does reactionary mean? Okay. Anyway, I'm seeing a lot on TikTok these people who are very alarmed about saying that now people are defending pedophiles as in like they're like, well, it's okay to have sex with people under 18. Sorry, I have not seen or heard about this. Can you, can you, can you rephrase that one more time and explain it? The Trump people are, or the people that are against Trump. are like saying that but not you because you're not no wait wait I I saw this clip and it was like a streamer

and this guy was like well there's there's nothing wrong with having sex with people under 18 and like then and then they were like and they were like the it's it's we're getting we're reaching the dark times where everyone they're going to they're going to like everyone's going to i don't i can't explain it well i wish i had the the words to explain this but they were like acting like um they're they they they were phrasing it like the the republicans are going to try to legalize it next legalized pediculia yes huh um i don't

know if that's going to happen necessarily i mean it was a very re wouldn't that be considered very reactionary sure i think what is going to happen is that I think what is going to happen is that like you will see a push from like Megan Kelly some like spokespeople on the right and basically be they're going to do the epiphilia line they're going to be like look Trump it was a different time Trump Trump was a young man that's what I'm saying maybe let me finish please talk and that was the word ififalia and they'll be like well you know we don't endorse this but who didn't have sex with a 16 year old in 1982 that that's that is what I've been trying to say thank you

you're welcome not like that i just that's what the content of all these tic talks and these like instagram post they were saying i understand what's the word again megne kelly uh a fibophilia yeah i feel like that's a dangerous word for you to know honestly i just saw it for the first time i'm getting bad he's got a flash of like that was a switch and maroo's wife a fabphalia phoebephelia phoebe phoebelea sounds like afelba's sister i'll be honest a fibaphaelia a beautiful name for a girl. Just like chlamydia. Especially if she's 17.

Pause. Oh, gone. Also, like, yeah, Megan Kelly said on TV, like, Epstein wasn't even a pedophile. That's what I'm saying. They're, like,

trying to paint this. It's like they're... Take your third shot at it, please. Okay, okay. I just ate a little bit of an orange packet, so this should help. Okay, let's hear it.

Straight in my brain. What's an orange packet? An orange packet, I'm addicted to true orange or one gram of sugar. I have true lime on the other side, but the true orange, it just has been hitting lately. Anyway, so, yeah, I see all these people, like, basically starting to either defend, like, be like, well, Jeffrey Epstein wasn't really a pedophile, or they're like, back in the 80s, it was different when Trump had sex with a 16-year-old. We were all doing it. It's just. my impression of you are you doing an impression of my impression of yourself i don't i don't know what

i don't know i don't know i don't know who i am right now i'm just trying to i'm just trying to relay what i was anyways jocs since you don't know who you are at the moment and you just did another shot of your orange salt um i want to give you the floor because i know you wanted to do a jock news segment absolutely you just deliver us some headlines right now absolutely and if something intrigues you we can explore into it more. I have small little... We'll let you know if we bite. Yeah, whatever. I mean, you know, we'll start

with this. Pete Davidson's girlfriend Elise Hewitt details agony of pregnancy. I thought to myself as soon as I read this headline. God, yeah, it must be so fucking a lot of agony having Pete Davidson impregnated you. What a mistake. Good Lord. Oh, this is like a monologue. The jokes do it. Wait,

keep going, keep going. Maybe's going to come out with tattoo. in a heroin addiction. This is your Tonight Show audition. I'm just going to let him run with it. Okay, former Disney Channel stars new app slammed as disgusting.

So what we got is Calamworthy who starred as Des Wade on the Disney Channel series, Austin Alley, co-funded an AI app to recreate videos of your dead loved ones using AI.

Where's the punch? We need a punchline. We need a punchline. We need a punchline. The punchline is like, of course, no one wants a simulated version like a robot distant memory fake, like implanted memory. You idiot, call unworthy. You're unworthy. Your ass is unworthy. There it is. There we go. I knew you'd get there. I couldn't describe the kind of disgust. This man looks. like, but I'll get Ben and Hesse's immediate reaction in one second by showing them this picture, and then you as the audience will get an idea of how ugly and disgusting this vampire is. Ew. Oh, yeah.

He looks like transmask, Tilda Swinton. Yeah, I was about to say that's exactly what I was thinking. Next story, next story. Let's keep going. I'm 53, but I have the body of a... Oh, wait. God damn it. Okay. I was... You were reading an ad

of the phone? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Local hot, wife has a dead husband and needs fucked. I was 21 stone with chronic issues, including arthritis and fibromoralgia. Now I'm 53 with the body of a 35-year-old and all of my problems have disappeared. This is exactly how I lost seven stone, boosted my IQ, and changed my life. Look, it literally wasn't added. It literally was an article.

It's an article on daily mail. Let's, I want to hear your set up. Okay. Let's see it. Yeah. The punchline is, he still looks like an ugly little bitch. And, I mean, boosted his eye. You can do better. He was better, sick, fat, and lonely. Because then he was real. Whatever he is now is fake. He changed for the wrong reasons. He should have stayed fat and ugly. I don't, he's a Brian Johnson without the excitement. Get a look, Ben. Take your hands off your eyes and take a look at the camera. You see the two men in front of you. they're the same. This is a tape. For everyone out there, this is a tape worm advertisement. Yeah, it's like a tapeworm style.

Shut up. Let's get your next story. Yes, I'm getting it up immediately. Outrage has family built outlandish, three-story eyesore in the middle of quaint neighborhood. It has no place here. So it is a three-story building

and they are just bitching. And first of all, can you describe it? So it's just a very normal-looking neighborhood. And the house is a three-story. story rectangle that looks like an apartment building and it is going to house three different generations of

this one family living each generation living on one different story oh I did see this it is like a they are building a townhouse narrow and tall yeah like condo townhouse style thing and all

the houses around it are like colonial houses and the neighbors are extremely pissed it's like a rojo in the middle of like a low density residential. Yeah, just full like a gentrifier queue but it is for one family but I mean... It's three

generations of one family. Each generation lives on a separate floor and it's... I am kind of a yimby and I'm like we do need to just build a lot of houses that look like this sorry. Don't families need big houses? Not in New York City though. I like well maybe in some

I would kill myself if I lived with three generations of gonsolence. As long as we don't build you know what? Tear down They got to tear down the spire or whatever The fuck that thing in Hudson Yards is And don't like Well you can't even go on it anymore Because too many people jump off of it

Which is crazy Lesson learned Obviously the people have failed And none of those people were even suicidal They saw it and wanted to kill themselves I'll tell you something One thing's for sure Every single person in Fairfax, Virginia is suicidal

And no wonder they're just complained They are looking for something Where's the punchline? Yeah, punchline. The punchline is that they're all idiots for complaining about a family wanting to live together. A Fairfax, you want a fair fact?

Kill yourself. Here's the fair facts. Fair facts is a place for bigots who don't love family life. They must hate traditional. You seem to be very confused about what a punchline is because you think it's just yelling at someone and getting mad at them.

You hate the single. You hate that. You hate that a family can live three generations together? Fuck you. Everyone in that neighborhood is pissed off that their families are not cohesive and loving enough to live in one giant building. I completely agree with you on that. They're jealous. I think we should force, I think we need to have a Mexicanification of the country.

I think we should force everyone to die in the house they were born in. That's what I'm fucking saying. entire family. I completely agree. Speaking of Mexicanification, Dr. Professor is back and that pivot will make sense. Okay. Here you.

I promise. At the end of this, the pivot will make sense. Well, fine. I have a quiz for both of you today. I did this and I'll just say I was extremely not shocked by my results. Question one.

Do you often feel superior to others all the time sometimes almost never or rarely is almost never or rarely each a separate answer yes rarely is my answer you rarely feel superior to others um yes why why is that surprising. Even I, even I said sometimes. Yeah, I'm going to say sometimes. Wait, I said rarely, because I'm just telling you how I've... Even you.

I'm telling you how I honestly feel, I do feel rarely superior to anyone. I feel usually inferior to most people. You know I could be a little bit insecure. I'm just trying to be... Well, I think, actually, no, I think I, you're right, Jock, I'm sorry. I think because you can be so vitriolic, I understand. of that as a sense of superiority, but the vitriol really comes from

a deep set insecurity and inferiority complex. Yeah, look, I'm just... But I also, I feel like, what do you think about people? Like, you look down on people. Sure, surely I look down on people, but... Outside of just people who you might be

jealous of, like, I've seen you say, I've heard you say some really crazy things about people who, like, just don't even share some of the same taste as you do. Well, look, I... Yeah. I've said some main things about Chapel Rhone. I've said some mean things about the whale of New Orleans. I've said some mean things about, you know, some people who believe some silly ideologies.

But I am often, I'm humble and also damaged enough to admit that most of the time, even if I'm judging people saying otherwise, I am the inferior one because I, I'm a broken person. person and I would love to become a fixed person and fully functioned. Here's the question for you. I'm just telling you again, it's rarely. Do you often feel jealous of what other people have? Oh, well, all the time, sometimes, almost never, or rarely. All the time. Once in a while.

All the time. Stephen said I was the most. Thank you for the honest stage. Well, I'm trying to be very honest on this quiz. Also, Stephen said that he has never. met a person more jealous in his entire life. He said, someone can walk I agree. I agree with that. Someone can walk

in a room holding something and I will get so upset that I don't have that same object and I'll feel, then I'll go back to feeling inferior and it's a cycle. Three, what class would you consider yourself to be an

upper class, middle class, lower middle class or lower class? Obviously, I feel like because of my... And you do, sorry, I know you're both from dynastic, wealthy billionaire families. You do need to consider your family background. I'm considering

explicitly my family background and saying that I am upper class basically. Yeah, I guess upper class for me. So I actually picked lower middle class for that guys is the one. Okay, then I get to be middle class. Then I get to be middle class.

My dad... You're such a little bragger. Do you... How am I? How am I upper, how am I upper, how am I upper class? He's always been bragging about I never said you're upper class. I never said your upper class. I'm saying I just always bragging about being middle class.

Lower middle class. You've always been bragged. Hessa, he paid $30 extra that added to his ID. His ID right underneath the organ donor. You could tell from the fact that my, what my face looks like and that my ID is broken. How would you describe your life at home when it comes to money? I've always had more money than most people.

I'm not the richest out there, but money has never been a worry. I have to work extremely hard to earn enough money to be comfortable. Talking about 50 rolls of toilet paper a week. I have never known where my next meal is coming from. I struggle to earn enough money to make a living. Okay. What was the... I think the second one with me...

Can you say the third response? I'll read them all back to you. I've always had more money than most people, or I'm not the richest out there, but money has never been a worry, or I have, I work extremely hard to earn the money to be comfortable, or I never know where my next meal is coming from. I struggle to earn enough money to make a living. I think for me it's the second one, because just since having the podcast and because I'm very financially bad, I'm very bad with money, I just don't worry about. about it. That's exactly what I chose for the same exact reason. Yeah, yeah.

You were saying you have to work extremely hard to earn enough money to be comfortable. Well, personally, like, maybe you have to work to make enough money to be comfortable. I do work. I work, honey, honey. I work the boots house down, mama. They, they, they, they, they, I was the first person to ever spell it W.E.R.K. Okay. Henny.

I'll just give you that one. W.E.R.K. Okay. that spells work. Warcock. Can you spell it like that? That was the German that killed Uncle Wriganberle. Yes, Warcock killed Uncle Switchworth. I ordered a War II veteran half.

You always say War II. Are you aware of that? I never mentioned on the show because I'm trying to be less of a bitch about your malapropism, but War II is insane. Ward World II? What? What? World World War II? I can't even.

World War. World. World. World. Oh my God. No. World War. World War. I got a world. World. World. World. World. World. I got a World War II. World. World. I got a World War II veteran hat. I ordered it because I'm, I'm, my next color is going to be purple. And I saw it. It looked good. And I want to try to argue that I'm a World War II veteran. Or do you think this is going to end badly? I actually think you, granted that most, no one's really going to fight with you on that. Granted that most World War II veterans are 90 and have dementia with extreme trauma, I think you will be able to pass. Yeah. It's just such a blatant lie that most people won't even call you out on it. I'm just going to say it was my grandfather.

He was a World War II veteran. How important is religion to you? Very important. somewhat important, less important, or I don't believe in religion. Very important. What, Don, don't, what's your religion? I'm just devout to my own faith. How would you, is there a name for your own faith?

What do you believe? Who's your God? Do you believe in, what? I believe in a monotheistic entity that I give thanks to for the things I can be great. name of this entity. It's the name of the entity. God. Is that really, is it a boy or a girl?

It's just a person. It's an envy. It's just a being. Okay. That Jesus Christ died for your soul. No. No. Well, I think Jesus is probably a real person, but I don't think that his, I

I don't mean, no, I mean no disrespect to Christianity. I personally do not believe that Jesus you know, I don't think that I don't maybe it's hard to say that he didn't that he hasn't had some kind

of impact or effect on my life because I've been harassed by Christian people but I I do I don't believe in Jesus as a being my God I don't worship Jesus but I keep a lot of crucifix on Jesus was alive and it's his fault that you're getting bullied

I have about 40 rosaries and I hide them throughout my room on all the door knobs on all the objects like on all the hiding do you pray the rosary I don't pray the rosary I just it's like a protection in case like a demon or something but I do pray like

all the time I feel like how would you describe my religious beliefs kind of I honestly would say not not that different I feel like you're just a I thought you seem like you know your

your family's kind of religious like Your mom's side is, your mom is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is a unitarian, which is more of a social club than it is a, um, yeah, but she was raised. Both of my parents were raised, like, going to, like, Catholic schools or, you know, to church. Um, no, I believe in, I think I'll answer the second last one. You're believing less important. Yeah, because I'm a lapsed Catholic, so. And then Jock, um, it is very important to you. I believe in God and a kind of postmodern, humanistic way and that I believe in like the beauty of the human experience and I think that we're all connected through some kind of plane of existence

and that nature in some way is God and that you owe humility and respect and adherence to nature in some way yeah I agree with the things that Ben is saying six how satisfied are you with your life so far

very much very much a little bit somewhat or not satisfied at all okay this is a little bit is more than somewhat yes random but yes how so you're correct

that's very confusing I want to say something I'm very grateful from my life and had a lot of great times I feel 100% deeply unsatisfied about 80 to 90%

with every single thing in my life so would you say not satisfied at all no I would say a little bit Okay. I would say a little bit.

And I don't mean to sound like I'm not grateful or I don't have fun or I just... I said very much because every day is a blessing from God and I do not disrespect the blessing. Okay, not at all, actually. I'm only... I'm kidding. I also said a little bit. I always feel unsatisfied. I know that's right.

Seven. Unhappiness. Can you choose respect over money? Yes, of course. I want both. Not at all, or I think I can. I want both, obviously. I mean, what else am I going to answer?

That's just the honest answer. What was the second one? I want both, which I can... What's the first one then? Yes, of course. Do you remember the question? Choosing money over respect or getting them equally? I'll just answer for you.

I want both. Eight, what do you want the most in your life? Respect, money, honesty, or... Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Are you kidding? Also, I think I can guess what quiz this is. Make a guess. I won't react or totally if you're right or wrong. What do you think it is? I think it's what Latin country are you or something? No.

Why, Tessa? You're stupid. Nine, if you had a bigger career, what would it be? Janitor. Oh, sorry. Priest, teacher, police officer, farmer, merchant, or construction worker. merchant that's the easiest one on there i feel like construction worker construction worker that's also what i picked shock because it's work i've done before i've did it it it's like literally so fun i did it for nine months and that's how i stopped being homeless ten last question would you rather be extremely rich and unhappy or poor but

happy well since i'm um not extremely rich but doing well enough and unhappy. This is a hypothetical. Okay, sorry, continue. I mean, I'm happy actually today I'm happy, though. I will say that. So would you rather be extremely rich and unhappy or poor, but happy? Poor but happy. Oh, sorry, I forgot to read the answers here. I'm an idiot. Sorry guys. Rich and unhappy, poor and happy, both or whatever is in my luck. Both is really funny. Being rich, poor, happy, and unhappy. Yeah, I feel like... Honestly, I feel like that's how jock lives.

Yeah, I was literally about to say, like, I constantly... Because I have no savings, as y'all know. And you have a very loose sense of your finances and of yourself. Money is just going up and down, like a... It's more of a vibe that it is a finite number. You can know money is famous for your finite number. I've got money and I ain't got no... And I'm happy and pissed about it at the same time.

And I'm fucking poor as fuck. Hessa, you are picking rich and happy poor and happy both or whatever. is in my luck whatever's in my luck whatever's in my luck is a really funny I feel that's the funniest answer yeah I'm gonna

whatever's in my luck I picked that because I was like well that should be the name of the episode whatever's it oh I almost bar with it when I said that I'm gonna be honest these results you got the same thing

this was a quiz about which position you would inhabit if you were born in the Hindu cast system. Okay, period. Yes, yes. Yes, I love Hindu.

Right. I'm very excited to hear. Wait, what did you get, Ben? Let me guess, untouchable. Watch your mouth, bitch. Are you Indian? Yes. Watch your mouth.

You're not, you don't have anything to do with Hindu, do you? What do you mean? I don't have anything to do with, yeah. I mean That's not something Your family practices or something No Or you're not Indian

I'm also not Indian And my family is not Hindu You're not part Sri Lankan No Sri Lankan is not Indian also Well I know that I'm just saying they both practice Hinduism You didn't know that

Anyways Do Sri Lankans not practice Hinduism I think that's mostly a Muslim country I think it's a mix Sri Lanka I think they're like Sri Lanka is a multi-religious country Oh, Buddhist, 70% Buddhist

Only 12% are actually Hindus So, all right, anyways, let's re-focus here. I was thinking of Malaysia, I think. Jock and Hesse, you both got the same position We gotta work forever. You are known as the Shundras. Okay, is that good?

Well, you got, this is what the quiz says, but there's an alternate definition, so hold your horses before you. start empowering yourselves. You embody the essence of resilience and dedication. Oh no. As a Shundra,

you thrive in supporting roles, showcasing your strength through hard work and determination. And Hindu Varnas can be separated into four different categories, although there are thousands of subdivisions within these categories. The lowest cast in this system are the Shundras.

Very. Which, by definition, are the unskilled laborers and menial workers of Hindu society So that's... Ben, what did you get? Do you guys want to guess? You're a Brahmin? So there's the Brahmins who are

priests and scholars. There are the I don't know how to say this, the Khashiras, who are rulers and warriors. There are the Vichas Vashias, sorry any Indian seekers, I'm really pursuing this, who are the merchants and the

farmers and then for... You're a farmer. You got a farmer. I did get the merchant class. Yes. Period. I got the merchant class. Which makes sense because I like, let me pull off the definition here. The Vashia are the third highest of the four Varnas, otherwise it was cast, in traditional Hindu society, historically associated with agriculture, trade.

Say that again. And business. Period. Their traditional duties include farming, cattle rearing, and commerce. also involving religious study and charity. They are situated below the Brahmin and the Khashtiras and above the Shandras. You're giving me in shock charity. The way that's just the real world.

Yeah, I'm like on the way it's kind of triggering. But it's also like you just read a description of what seeking derangements is through the lens of a Hindu person. Yeah. Well, also, I do think that if we were fully in India, YouTube would be Brahman's because it's all based on your family and not actually based around your personality. Yes, or what you want? Yeah.

Very famously, it's not based on what you want. Yeah, it's kind of, you kind of just, famously you kind of just opt in based off vibes. So don't worry, guys, in the real world, you absolutely still have me beat. I think I would be, I think I would be the merchant class. I don't think just hit the fuck out of myself

period it's because it's that's because you haven't been touched in so long in such a long time untouchable I I fucking dropped my phone out of my hand onto my ankle

and then my reaction was to hit my hand as hard as I could on my computer wait let me do it really well because you're not doing that well it's sorry let me do it again stupid stupid stupid stupid God! That was better.

Well, that quiz didn't take as long as I thought it would. Jog, why don't you deliver a couple more headlines in your signature night show style? Study shows that usually groups of three have one really funny, sweet, kind person, and two really questionable, kind of smelly people. I think there's two kind, funny people on the call, and one smelly person who's speaking. I think there's three kind and funny people. Oh, shut off.

Shut up. And they're all smelly. Shut your Shundra ass mouth up. Shut your average lived hair up. Untouchables. What about unspeakables, y'all? I don't want to hear this anymore. Untouchables.

Unhearables. You know what? Jock is uncrustable because he's fucking crusty. It's impossible to get the crust off this fucking uncrustible. What the hell of? Y'all are the uncrustables. Y'all are some fucking frozen peanut butter sandwich-ass bitches.

Okay, I'm getting the articles back up. So don't you dare start saying any kind of retorts back at me. Okay. Hold your horses. We won't retort you. Okay. So many single men are taking this new drug cocktail before dates.

Okay, another just ad. It's another complete ad. Another ad. During one marathon session, Jana Hawking. Well, let me tell you something. Jana Hawking. Doesn't sound like anyone's gonna be fucking you

with a name like Jana Hawking. I'm gonna try thinking about like Hawking a Lugie. Why don't you hawk a lugi? Hey, why don't you go have sex with Stephen Hawking on the defunct island of Epstein sexual freaks? Your dad is a retarded pedophile. Did Hawking kill yourself? Yo,

I have an announcement. I have an announcement. The Succa MC of the Week is that little bitch who can't get around on his own. Stephen Hawkin, fuck you. Nice. He's been dead for years, I feel like.

He's alive. He's absolutely dead. Jock, I want one more headline, and I want you to do it in this structure. Read the headline. give an opinion, do a setup, and then a punchline. Yeah, but you have to start with, have you seen this, if you've heard about this, and then you read the headline,

and then you give your opinion, then the setup, and then the punchline. Okay. All right. That's fine with me. Okay. Well, I chose one that's insensitive, so I have to shoot. No, that's perfect.

It's even better. It's even better if it's insensitive. That's easy. That makes it so much easier. Yeah. Well. Transgender menace. I just could be interesting.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm not going to do that. Come on. No, no, no, just this is one thing. I'm for once. I'm for once I say, hey, I don't want to hurt people's feelings today. Okay. I'm curious what it is. I'll say it after the episode, but I actually did get. I'll say it to you two, but I actually. I'm not going to care if it's not on the recording. Give me another headline. Come on. Follow the setup. Follow the structure. Do your best. Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. Colbert. Live from Burbank, California, it's the Tonight Show with Jack Gonsolin.

Judge Bind's profound missteps in U.S. probe of X. You have to say, have you seen this if you heard about this? Chief FBI, James Comey. Well, look, you're not the first person to have a few problems with this commie guy. I'll tell you one thing or another. This guy's a dope. A dope on a rope. Okay.

The crowd's going psycho. Oh, Hessa, the way I'm going to edit this to be, and if any from listening, you complain about the editing, shut the fuck up. Y'all shut the fuck up. Thank you, John. You're going to edit it to be like the tonight show.

Hey, yes. I'm going to do a microphone filter on all of Jock's audio when he's doing this and then edit in so much booing. Hey, listen around. there. Why don't you stop talking while I'm talking? You're interrupting me, okay? You think I can't hear you? I have a connection to every one's microphone that listens to this podcast. You have a fixation with like surveillance and like being watched. Today's huge surveillance state. Jock, can we do one more and seriously give it your best? You've seen, have you seen

Conan? You've seen, you know. Has to give me another intro and then Jock. When Hess is done, you're on, bitch. Okay. Okay, I'm pool. All right. Live from Burbank, California, it's the tonight show with Jack Gonsolin. Howdy-hoity!

Let me do the fucking guests. Hidey-ho-y-h-o-dy-o-d-o-dy. Tonight's guests, Beaumar Gaddafi's ghost. Oh, great. We got to talk to this guy again. Gislein Maxwell. Oh, God, another broad?

You're out there looking at the screen as it's saying the guests, yelling this stuff. Welcome, guests, an audience alike. I, Gamshaw, Consolid. And welcome to the K-Jute Power Hour. Today I'm going to be focusing on an article that has suddenly disappeared from my phone. Then I'll be bringing right back up immediately. NPR reports. Thanksgiving could be more expensive this year.

Here's how to navigate the higher prices. Well, I'll tell you a quick way to navigate the higher price. I'll tell you a quick way to navigate the higher prices. You buy one bullet. It's cheaper than buying any turk. It's cheaper than buying any gravy. You don't have to bring any cranberry stuffing. You hopefully, Ari, own the gun, or you've got to buy the gun,

and you get one bullet, one gun, and you put it in your mouth, and you go bang! And that's how you save some money. This Thanksgiving, you have been a lovely audience. Thank you. We got a great show tonight. You're here. That was amazing, Oh, my God, Jack.

That was amazing, Jack. I don't think we can top that. Everyone, thank you for listening today. Go subscribe to our Patreon. Thank you, everyone. Oh, wait. I'll have an announcement. Where that came from.

I have an announcement really quickly. Let's take it down to a series time. If you would ever like to book me for a DJ event, a comedy event if you would ever like to book me for a comedy event a DJ event appearance in your hometown or anything that's legal

that you can pay money for for me to do I'm willing to do it and the email to contact me to book me for such activities is yay very fun at gmail.com I will say that I'm looking for some new gallery

positions if there's anyone that runs an art gallery. I would love to have an art show in another town. I know some gallerous I can hook you up with. Everyone, thank you for listening today. And since we're just plugging, I'll make mine quick. Go watch interior motives, the game show. We're in you show us your bed.

And we guess who's been in it? It's on YouTube, everyone. Y'all, it's actually pretty funny. I watched the episode about the Celebrity Book Club people. Stupid really. Yeah, and it was pretty funny. And Ben has been working really hard on this program. Thank you for not being jealous.

I was just really worried about a freak out because I started a different show. Ben has been working incredibly hard. He's got a variety of really incredible, really funny guests. A lot of incredible submissions have been made. I personally might have submitted a room of my own. Did you?

Did you or did you just tell me? I told you and I'm going to send you the pictures after this. I mean, look, you can do whatever you want, but I can't wait until the people your bedroom. But you have to be able to call. enough, Ben, that when people... No, I've seen rooms that I recognized in the show before, and I just am

honest about it. No, I don't pretend. I'm just like, I know whose room this is, and I sit that round out. But anyways, I do have to get back to actually editing and posting that show now. So everyone, thank you for listening today. Thank you, so. Love you, too. I love you, Doc. Love you, Ben. Bye. You'll love. Good night, y'all.

Love you guys. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. And then, I'm going to be. You know,