Seeking Derangements - [AUDIO] SD 460 - Thanksgiving Special w/ Jamie

Episode Date: November 27, 2025

Hello Seekers! Ben here, today Jamie (AKA the mother of the Pod) joins Jacques, Hesse and I to hear YOUR calls. We hear from Seekers around the world, one of whom doesn't trust her Winco-robbing brother in law, another whose aunt is trying to set him up with another male–despite the fact that that man is NOT gay, and another who wants to know how to covertly start fights at the Thanksgiving table. Yes he is an evil gay man. Plus Jamie tells us about how she accidentally sat on her Grandfathers lap while he was on the toilet. Pause.

You know, I love your company, but my mom I don't want you hanging with me, so until you get a place where we can hang. I'm going to be a telephone bang, yeah, while we get freaking on the phone, while we get freaking on the tone. We're a little dirty, get it on. That's right. Now let me hear you more. Well, yeah While we get freaky But while we get freaky on your tone Go be on dirty, get it on Get it on

Yeah, hello everyone Welcome to Seeking Darrangements. This is a free episode So if you like where you hear, Go subscribe to our Patreon Where you can also find more episodes with the Don Diva joining us today. Jamie, the mother of the podcast.

Hi, hi, kids. The mother of the mom. Yeah, hi children. Hello, hello. Hello. Hello, children. How are you doing today, Jamie? I'm so happy to have you back on the show.

I'm glad to be here. It's a gloomy day in Cincinnati. How's it where you all are living? Is it? I'm in Des Moines. It's very rainy and gloomy. Rainy gloomy here in Ohio, too. What about you, Ben?

Des Moines, Rainy Gloom. In Des, Des, I'm looking out the window right now. It is completely gray, and I am about ready to put a gun in my mouth. Do you have to rake them? Rake them, we mulch from Diva. Yeah. You don't burn them. No, we're not like in the country like that, although in a lot of rural counties, people just, I don't know, Jamie, if this happens in Ohio, but you drive, like, you can drive 30, 40 minutes in any direction out of Des Moines and just be like in the countryside.

Oh, for sure. And everyone is out there just like, they're burning their trash. They're burning their leaves. They just burn everything. They're burning their garbage. They're burning. Yeah, kinds of stuff. They're burning a mattress.

Yeah. mattresses. These motels, these roach motels on the side of the road motels are, your bedbug mattresses are being around. Welcome to work, Diva. Hit him, Jamie.

Get him. Welcome to work. Love you. Chuck, please make sure your local Shrock is recording. We were talking about burning stuff in the country. Yeah, but Jamie, we

have a method that my mama's been doing for a long time. where we don't break, we just mow with a bag on the mower and then, yeah, just throw it in all of her garden beds. Yes, that's what we do too. We have a big compost, you know, pile thing and mulching and do that. Beautiful. Well, today we're going to hear some calls from seekers around the world. I put out, we all put out calls.

I thought we were going to be doing car prices and guessing the cost of insurance. No, but, I mean, feel free to do that on. solo episode if you wanted to talk consumer reports sorry i got really confused i thought we were going over the blue book value of all of our oh i mean i don't want to say that that's embarrassing here but janey what do you drive um you know i do i do actually i'm not a car person at all like i putting money into a car i hate it so i drive until their wheels fall off i'll drive a car but um i did my car was pretty old and i sold it to my daughter so i do i do have a hunday i don't know that means i went shopping the day and there's hundays all over like a white hunday is the car it's

like you know right it's like a hatchback i like like a smaller car that you can show a bunch of shit into and like hatchbacks are are iconic for that i have i love a hatchback i know like certain i've learned from you guys and listening to other people that certain cars can be indicative of like apparently lesbians like suboros is that a thing yes yes oh my god yes it's Lesbians and granola, granola people. Okay, granola people like soup. Okay, what is, why is that, though? It's the, it's the outdoorsy, outdoorsy, kind of more rugged yet feminine lifestyle.

Affordable, lesbians are very, you know, very concerning consumers. So it's sort of coded sport utility, but for like a woman, but I don't know. It's the male SUV, basically. Yeah. Also, I'm going to jump back in here and say that what, back. in the day when I was skinnier. My nickname used to be hatchback. But, um, okay.

Well, that can, what do they call you now? Hummer. Hatchback is, yeah, I don't know. That conjures up some images, like. It's a little sexual. I love it. Yeah. Hatchback, it was better than hunchback.

I mean, I was tired of being compared to Quasimot. The hatchback of Lafayette. Just because we're both Catholic, it just doesn't mean that we should be They used to have a car when I was growing up that I would, I don't see it at all, but it was called a gremlin. I don't know if you guys. Oh, an E.M.C. Gremlin? Yeah. Yeah. And it like, look up. Fishbowl on the back of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's an old soul. She knows what a grumble. She knows what. They're cute. Okay. Last. Last car. They're so. Last car. Last car comment. I have to say it. My sister's growing up both had cabbriots. Oh, like Volkswagen cab. Those were cute. Yeah. They were so. Yeah. Um, and then some, so a mice got infested the car and got, uh, and bit through all of the electrical wiring and ruined the car.

The price is mice. That happened to my dad's truck. One more car thing. My mom had, it turned out to be the most dangerous, like Ralph Nader's, whatever, you know, when that was a thing, like consumer report. The Pinto. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Puse Brown Ford Pinto.

We had that. And, and the floorboards were rotted. I mean, it was like, but she drove that thing into the ground. Wasn't that the car where if the bumper hits something it can caught, like, catch a fire or a load? Because the engine

is in the trunk on a bug. I think a pinto that was the same thing. There was the same thing. Yeah. Anything that has the mention in the trunk. We were traveling across country, moving from state to state, and I was sitting in my mom's lap, like back then, you know, my brother was holding a fish bowl with a fish in it.

We were moving to another state. We were moving from Ohio to Massachusetts, I think, and we hit a deer. And I slept through it all, but I woke up after it happened and the police lights and everything. So we, and then they fixed the pinto after that and, you know, continue to use it. But we all live, so I don't know. My dad hit a, hit a deer last year because he lives out in the country with his, like, girlfriend who's, like, has horses. She's very, like, horse girl. Yeah.

She was raised in the country. She's a country girl. and my dad called me because he was driving back from having a family of dinner at my house and he's like oh my god ben i hid a deer with my car and he's not dead and he was like oh my god what do i do the hit dear is dying and i was like i'm like i don't know i'm like i was kind of just like i was like you could hit it again if you like want it again it's crazy

gay guy don't call it you get in reverse dad And he's like, no, I cannot hit the... Don't hit a cow. And so his girlfriend, all I hear is just a car pull up from his end on the phone. A car pulls up and then, and his girlfriend showed up with a gun and shot the gun. Yeah, that's what you got to do. That's what you guys did. We were having a little campfire in our backyard.

Our kids were little and the neighbor kids were over and we're all sitting there. And all of a sudden we hear this horrific screaming, horrific. oh my god what's going on and these people across the street from us have one of these fences that are like they have them in new orleans jacques you know those wrought iron fences that have the point yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and both got speared oh oh my god and that scream i thought would never end until the police showed up you know and shot the deer oh right oh my god that is like i would have gotten rid of the virgin suicides yeah yeah yes yes they first and suicided themselves I okay two things first of all earlier you said cross-country and I was thinking about a movie called cross-country but C-U-N-T-R-Y and it was about a woman going across the country being a cunt

trans America that's already a movie no my okay well already exists I forgot about that movie played by somebody who wasn't trans at all yeah Felicity Huffman I fully forgot about that movie until Jen Sillin posted on her story of her selling her stuff, and she had a framed picture of Transamerica. And I said, oh, forgot that was a movie. Right? When I was selling her apartment, that poster went under the bed. I'm not looking at that every day. Speaking of Transamerica, we should review that sometime soon.

We can't. We can't because famously the second episode of Nymphal Wars, they review that movie. Wow. So it's well-troned six years ago, but yeah, maybe not. I do want to get, I do want,

it doesn't matter, Drach, I do want to get to our calls here because I did. Oh, shoot. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, hold on. My computer is.

Oh, shoot. On my, Jamie. Okay, I think I'm back. Yeah. Okay, no, it's fine. I just had to X out of some stuff, but I'm good. Okay, perfect.

She had to get out of her porn. You don't want to say what I'm into. Okay. You're reading like, so I, I don't mean to be really. but I know you are reading some kind of fan fiction. I used to do fan fiction.

I'm not going to lie, but I'm across the age where I have no hormonal, I don't care. Yeah. You don't have urges anymore. I really don't, and I'm not going to lie, or be ashamed about it. No, you have beautiful hair and you have beautiful mid-century modern objects,

and anyone would be so lucky to even get to wake up every day and look at such beautiful objects or a beautiful husband, or beautiful daughter or beautiful car. And they can either like it or lump it is where I'm at. They can like it or go get fucked, said Jamie. Well, everyone, thank you for sending your calls in. I know we have a lot of gay people listening.

So I do want to get some Thanksgiving tea, whether that was something you're thankful for, or something you're not thankful for, or maybe some family drama going on. And that's why Jamie's on. I'm always thankful for sweet tea. Jamie, as our chosen mother, I figured we'd be remiss to not include you on these because you're the chosen mother of every seeker out there. Thank you, seekers. I love you all.

Mother to millions. You're a parent to every parentless child in the world. How about just gay trans ones? Gay lesbian and trans. We're going to shorten that bus for you, so it's a smaller group of people. Right. Well, let's get started with our calls here. this is our first one okay so my oldest sister her baby daddy just got out of jail and we will be

seeing him again for the first time at thanksgiving and i'm just so you have context his crime was robbing the windco while high so not the greatest also previously other crimes that are not morally correct um so i just like wonder like what should pause um morally correct you're calling into seeking derangements let's let's let's back that thing up and stop stop this judgment train and start some acceptance to your family what what store was it he robbed he was he was he robbed a winco while high i believe what is a winco we don't have i think it's just like a little gas station a corner store No, no, no, no, no, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, no, no, no, it's a grocery store chain, and it's really cheap.

Yeah, like Win Dixie. Yeah, like Win Dixie. No, it's, it's, it's, it's closest comparable to public. Okay. Right. You have to be extremely high to rob a grocery store. Gas stations are usually the magnets for, like, meth robberies. But her question here. A lot of drug addicts do grocery stores and put, like, meat down the pants and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So her question here is this is her oldest, uh, sister's baby daddy. He just got out of jail for robbing the winco and she's basically just like how do i greet this person how do i have a dinner with this person who is maybe more of an unwelcomed visitor and part of her family um i'm just going to say quickly love you diva but it doesn't seem like he did anything that bad and if you want him to improve you probably he's probably better off just being welcomed and being treated oh yeah here's some advice actually i'm going to kind of switch it up instead of of accepting him and

respecting him, why don't you just fucking kill him? Because if you are so fucking judgmental of his past crimes and you are the judge, jury executioner, then kill him. If your morals convict you so much

lady, why don't you kill your sister's lover, the father of her baby? Because you can't stand that he made some mistakes. Oh, he's morally questionable. Maybe you're the morally questionable. I mean, look, everyone, everyone is, you know, capable of redemption. And I think people redeem themselves faster when they face less

scrutiny. But Jamie, I'm curious, what do you think about this situation? Um, well, I mean, you just, you have to let him come, of course, and see, you know, give him. I always let them come. Yeah. And, you know, if he brings like a stolen turkey from the grocery store or something even better yeah yeah right have him have him bring the groceries how would you react if it was your daughter oh my i mean of course yeah right i mean of course he'd be welcome you know because what they have a kid you know you got to you got to try and make it work and and it's only going to hurt the kid if you don't like give him a chance yeah right you know you got to think that way like if you don't give them a chance i mean that's not cool you got to give him a chance yeah i mean when you say give

him a champs is that are you putting a strong stance on being pro life i don't understand i would keep a close to eye on him i'm not going to lie yeah yeah don't don't make him feel unwelcome you know just yeah don't let him know don't make it obvious i can be very stealthy i can be very stealthy yeah yeah yeah see if he's shoving any of grandma silver into his pocket and i know i just want to see his behavior and see hopefully he's making a change for the better and you know all that kind of stuff yeah i'm still You'd be a great spy. I'm still very stuck on the idea of robbing a grocery store because, like, what would you, you would go in and be, like, pointing the gun at every single cashier, like, speed walking

up and down. Like shoplifting. Maybe was he, was he shoplifting and just, like, people do, like, steaks down and stuff. I think robbed here is more, I think she would have said shoplifting. Rob, he is kind of, is kind of giving going in to, yes, that's of the 12. and being like, can I please have the $200 that are in your chores? Like, it's not even that much money with a gun on every.

It's really not that much money. I just hope maybe he had an addiction problem or something that. He was on meth. I think he probably on math. I can handle that better. Yeah. And then if somebody just randomly is like, I'm going to go in and, you know. Yeah.

And maybe talk to your sister and be like, look, you know, get the skinny on his situation from your sister. And I would be kind to him and, you know, welcome. him and yes, keep a wandering eye on him to make sure he's not doing anything else. Let's put forward. And your sister needs to be here, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And your sister needs to be invecated by a criminologist

to determine how morally unfit she is. I'm still on this woman for... It triggered something in you, I can tell. Yeah, if you... This is triggering. Call her... If you, if you see me in the street, don't fucking call me a criminal. Right.

We've all done things. Listen, I, I stuff bubble yom down my pants i've i've you you've shopped before jaby oh yeah i yeah i almost i almost got caught and that scared me straight you know so uh when i was a kid you were a kid and you tried to steal gum yeah maybe this guy got skin and lip gloss oh nice um jimmy he's kind of lip gloss i thought you were christian you can be christian and steal yeah i'm not i'm not saying i'm a christian but um it's um i just steal the um the um the lip gloss It was like, the packaging was like, it had like a ball in the end of it. It was like oil, it was pure oil.

Kitchen Cotion, I think they called it. So I would feel that and I would steal bubble young bubble gum. Pax and I almost. And I almost stuck hot. I used to steal handles of vodka from Target. Yeah. I stole a bottle of Southern comfort every day in high school from the end of freshman year to maybe junior year. A bottle of day and I never caught you?

No, this Albertsons was famously, I've got to plug my computer. I'm also sorry. We'll continue with the next call. Yeah, yeah, play it. Hopefully we gave her some clarity. Yeah, yeah. Let's hear this next one. Hey, guys, love the pod.

I'm sure a lot of us have to deal with, you know, trying to get along with more conservative family members. One of mine a couple years ago got into a really bad accident and sustained a very serious brain injury. And it took about like a year and a half to recover from. But ever since then, he's been like really, really, really far right? Like he got a half sleeve of Uncle Sam holding Osama bin Laden's decapitated head. And he just is now a newfound Christian at one of those giant megachurches

where there's like pyrotechnics and like the priests are like as long as they can keep his mouth shut. As long as well, this is the morally questionable, um, criminal as far as I'm concerned but let's keep listening to him who's the morally questionable criminal it's fine Chuck we'll just we'll take this one we'll explain in a second I'm like a whole thing in their own but

anyways I'm evil and gay but I still kind of want to push buttons but I'm also scared to start like a full blown argument yes yeah so what's the best way to kind of like sneak in like a Kirk joke or like a Trump blow job joke over the family

Thanksgiving dinner? Thank you Deva for the call. Jock, I'll give you a little summary here. This gay guy has a, I'm assuming uncle, I don't know like he said, who basically had a traumatic brain injury and then became even more right wing than he was previously. The caller wants to know how to go to this man into a fight over the Thanksgiving dinner table while not, and I'm inferring here because I'm also an evil gay guy, but he does not want to look like he is the responsible party. He's trying to basleight his

mentally disabled and brain damaged right-wing uncle into having a crash-out. I think... What do we think? I don't want any of you two at my Thanksgiving. That's what I'm saying. I feel like you got... He wants a beau

is afraid situation with his I hope so What's that? I watched the movie, but I don't get the connection. I'm not following. Just like a mentally dementia person that take advantage of.

Well, what do you think about, you know, doing a... I think I have like a plan that might work. I know what I would do in a situation like this is maybe try to talk to him, try to find like, a weird common ground with him and try to use that to kind of make him more crazy by maybe be like no Trump gave I heard Trump gave like the best head of all time to to this Bubba character and Bubba is actually like he did it to like save the world or something and like you know just try to kind of trick trick him into believing that like trick him into believing what you believe but for reasons that

are right wing or something you know what i mean sure sure i like that i like that i think the keywords trick him into what you're believe i think an easy one here would just be um i don't even think you have to say anything for this one if he's i'm assuming he's probably a little homophobic and has maybe been a little homophobic to you caller and that's why you want to push his buttons unless you're really just a sadistic gay guy, which, hey, I completely defend as well. I imagine this is a little vengeful. You don't really have to do much besides show up with like an outfit that's a little too gay. Get your nails done. Put in, put in like some terrible chintzy gay guy earrings and maybe be a little bit more feminine and then sit right next to him. We're velour juicy sweatsuit.

Yeah, beautiful. Just like a J-Lo in the 90s and show for Thanksgiving and sit right next to him. And every time you talk, kind of vocalize so he's hearing you louder than everyone else. Yeah. Dress like Toby from Claws, if you don't know the reference. Well, which one was Toby and Clause? Okay, the really gay guy, like them, they, that was the pet, like, Smith, mistress lover of the big bald big big uncle daddy period or whatever the hell is his name

turned into your big uncle batty and he's from lafayette and we went to i we went to high school with them i love it jamie what do you think about i mean just in general fights at the table but then do you have any advice for this guy um as to how to go you know all i know is is like dealing with that like certain people like that sometimes they're completely clueless like you can sort of you know be talking to them and actually making fun of them and they don't even realize it i mean yeah exactly that's what i do with my mom and she's like i'm serious and then we'll be like yeah and we'll like be laughing everybody else gets it but she doesn't and she's just laughing right along thinking that we're in her vibe or something so

yeah exactly maybe a guy plays to the crowd and makes you you know tacit implicit jokes at his brain brain dead uncle's expense that's a good way to do it because then you're kind of uniting everyone against him you could show up you could show up with

the same tattoo that he got of Uncle Sam holding Osama bin Laden's decapitated head and make him jealous Yes Seems like a lot of work A better tattoo To be a temporary tattoo Get a tattoo of Osama bin Laden

holding Uncle Sam's decapitated I just know that Here's a photo of Uncle Sam making Osama bin Laden's decapitated heads suck him off like very graphically You can piss off the whole family with that one Yeah and be like

Like mine's a little bit more hardcore than yours I hate Osama a little bit more Here's what you Here's what you wear pink pussy hat And then a change Obama shirt Okay Change Obama turn him into something else Wasn't that his logo

A hope and change or what was it? A wizard, a wizard pointing at Obama as he's turning into like a piece of toast or something. I mean, the uncle would really love that one. I mean, I'm an expert at goading people into fights. I have my American family. Well, this is a free episode and they're kind of, people are becoming, feel, my family are becoming a little bit more aware of what I do for work.

So I'll be a little curt on this one. but this was Thanksgiving 2016 I went around their suburban family home and I stole all of their chargers for all of their devices this wasn't to go to anyone to a fight

it was just so Ben could get a little win because I know these guys This is you being a little curt on a free episode more psychotic than anything you've seen by doing that I mean what an inconvenience you know how annoying it is to lose your charger

and be like where the fuck is a charger and then everyone starts fighting with each other because you assume like the people who live in that house with you still your charger and then they're all gone did your parents ever accuse you of like would you do with my charger where's my charger all the time did you steal your parents charger did you kids ever steal your i'm not because i respect my parents but if i don't respect someone yes i will still a charger yeah because that will send mom over the edge oh yeah no i just took weed from my parents Period. Let's get to our next call here.

Hello, seeking derangements. I'm in a bit of a Thanksgiving predicament, and I need some advice from you. I've got two competing friends who are both having Thanksgiving events and the things that they hate each other because they, well, one of them is a sort of a goth girl lesbian type,

and the other one is a sort of crunchy woke t-boy and they had a falling out after they moved to the city and so I'm wondering if you have any advice on the proper way I can balance these two

events maybe go to both of them and not hit either person off right okay so do you go to the t-boy or do you go to the goth girl Thanksgiving I'll make my answer quick go to neither because you're going to be fucked if you go to one or both

I would steer clear of the entire situation and I would just be like, hey guys, sorry. My entire family died last night after getting hit by an 18 wheeler and I have to go to their funeral today and I will not be able to make it because you have to out emergency at these people. You have to make your time.

You have to out trauma them, make up some horrible traumatic stories and give that the reason. That's the excuse. so you can't go to either. That's my piece. Yeah. That's my piece. I think do a three is company type thing where you are like, at each one, you're like,

hang on, I have to go to the bathroom. And then, you know, you're at the crunchy party. You take off your David Foster Wallace, like, bandana over your hair and your... That's a sitcom trope. Yeah, your glasses with no lenses and put on your goth makeup. And then you run off to... Yeah. And then eventually you show back up and you're like,

And keep, like, emptying all the ice and being like, I'll go out and get more ice. And then that's when you change. And everyone's like, he's so helpful. He's such a sweet heart. And then eventually you do the Mrs. Doubtfire where you accidentally show up at the crunchy tea boy's house dressed as the goth. And they're like, what are you doing? And then you spin it out and, you know, they're both mad at you. But then you use that to kind of get them to reconcile a little bit, maybe, you know.

I love it. that's at first up go ahead no no I'm just what were you saying I know I was I thought going to got girls

going to got girls parties was the right answer first but then I thought about it and the correct answer is just literally so simple so easy only requires two people

each people need to be at one person at each of the parties each of you need to start a fire and then you you both suggest that you go to a new location and you combine both parties,

they realize that they were fighting for no reason. They forgive each other, and they all become friends again. This is very sitcom coded right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm holding my HBO pillow, and I'm coming up with the best sitcom ideas. I love the idea of like,

because I do this at any family event anyway. I don't care what family event it is, but like, oh, oh, we need. My Thanksgiving trick is starting a fire. Just getting the hell out of there. My husband gives me the evil eyes. Like, oh gosh, we don't have enough this. Oh, I'll go get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I bought for like the majority of the thing. Right, right. It's very fun to be the errand boy because you get a lot of great from your family and everyone is like very grateful for you doing it. I'm trying to think about which, I mean, I mean, who's going to have better food? Yeah, who's going to have better food?

And they're both going to have a terrible food. I can't imagine two worse cuisines than a got-girl or tea boy. Oh, you wanted to have. Grinola tea boys is, yeah. All-collar, you wanted to have turkey this Thanksgiving? Well, that's too fucking bad because you're having some kind of vegan turduck and bullshit. And you're not getting turkey. Yeah, you're getting turfucking.

I would probably I don't know which one I would pick But I would tell you this I would pick the one that I think I'd have the most fun at And I would stand my fucking ground against these BTD Holes because you can't You give them an inch, they'll take a mile Stand your ground, go to the one you want to go to

And make no apologies Yeah I think you're right I think I would just skip like you I would just not go of either one Oh yeah I'll skip both of them No apologies, Nirvana. Say thank you, Jamie, for being the one. Or here's the real answer.

Arrange a ride with someone at one of them and be like, sorry, I have to go to this one because they're my ride, unless you live in like a city, I guess. Right. Right, that's a great excuse as well. I would say whoever had the best food, but I don't know. I'm not sure what you have a good one. Oh, wait.

Which one has the least? Wait, final solution. Don't call it that, talk. wait no i here's the final solution to this problem have a have your own party yeah well that's what i do and that kind of sucks too but yeah but i can be like i like having thanksgiving because i'm busy do i don't have to like i keep busy like oh you know you're not forced to socialize when you host it honestly because you're busy doing stuff so yeah right yeah um let's get to our this one is a little long Jesus Christ um we said

a minute, not an hour. I did say a minute. Yeah, it said two minutes. It's okay. I'll, I, I listened didn't last night so I can summarize it for you, but let's hear it. Hi, seeking arrangements, long-time listener, first-time caller, love you all. Um, nothing wild really happens in my life, you know, humble love. It's usually very calm, but here's my Thanksgiving tea. Uh, two pieces of context here. One, my aunt is a raging trans folk. I've been transitioning since like middle school, literally, you know, whole ass man with a beer. flat tracks, et cetera. She still thinks that as I, you know, approach 30 years old, I'm going to wake up one day and be like, oops, my bad, time to go back to being a woman, but it's not happening, obviously. Second piece of context, I got divorced earlier this year, so apparently she does think that I'm on the market now. So the woman decides that she's doing me a favor by bringing her recently divorced co-worker to Thanksgiving, me, me.

mind you, he's a heterosexual man, as I'm sure you probably guessed by now. And from what I hear, you know, a very sweet guy. But again, I'm not giving woman. I have a beard. I have a deepish voice. I'm gay. Nothing about me says, you know, mysterious young, beautiful Muslim woman. And I know she has showed him zero accurate pictures of me.

Who knows if she's even shown him a picture of me? probably some vaguely feminine, like, heavily edited shit from 2012. So now I'm like, do I even go? What do I do? Like, do I just walk in like, hi, surprised, you're meeting me today. Okay, so that's basically it. This young trans man who is recently single out of a divorce has a auntie who is possibly photoshopping pictures of him to make him look like a beautiful woman. using pre-transition pictures from middle school probably and you know you know she's doing the most like WhatsApp Muslim auntie crazy face apps on yeah this young guy she's and so the question here is how does he i mean this is a tough one you need to talk to your aunt but how does he go about one potentially meeting this man who believes that he's going to be set up with a beautiful woman

and then two, how do you even handle the situation with the odds? Hessa, I'm going to kick it to you because I think you maybe should take it. I think I might have a good solution. I mean, there's no good solution in this situation. There's maybe a final solution. I'm starting to pick up that the final solution might have not been the right word. Yeah, yeah, I think. Well, I think.

I'm starting to remember something about this final solution business. previous use of that phrasing um but the i think what you do is you introduce yourself um to this guy and when your aunt says uh like when your aunt tries to introduce you just say oh like she couldn't make it that's why say it's your sister or something you know maybe something like that um and yes you were here to meet fatima but she's actually actually, she's not making it today. I'm her older brother. Yeah.

And then make your aunt, make your aunt be like. Yeah. Because the only way you respond to that is by like being completely insane. Like being a maniac. Yeah. Yeah. Like coming off like a psycho.

Right. Well, I mean, I, the guy, I mean, there's no way he's going to be down for this as well. Like if this meeting does happen, your aunt is going to look insane. You're going to have to get this taken care of before Thanksgiving. Right. I don't know that's how I guess you talk a lot about abortions today you know I don't know what you're talking about Jack that's crazy you know what you could do she said that you got to get it taken care of it yeah that's an abortion to you well yeah and then she earlier she said something about pro life I don't think she could have been interpreted I don't think she did

she did it Jock is Jock has abortion on the mind I don't know why I really don't want to know why are you trying to get rid of a baby is that what's going on Yeah, Jacques, did you get someone pregnant? Did you knock someone up, Chuck? Because I know another. No, no, I didn't. You didn't knock somebody up? I didn't knock someone up, but we, I, I was recently, no, but I was, we, we were recently taking pictures, pretending, of making a fake pregnancy announcement. I saw that.

Is that, is that your girlfriend? Is that, or no. Yes. It is. It's a girl who listens to the show and I'm putting a kibosh on it because I'm not going to be responsible for anything that happens in this. relationship. I don't know about it. They are cute couple. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for being happy for me for once.

I'll be happy for you off of recording, but I'm not being implicated in this relationship. Nor should the show be. Anyways, to continue here. To continue here. I think his aunt needs a bitch slapping. Yes, I agree, Jamie. I think one way you could maybe fit all the pieces

together is maybe just feign for a minute, interest in the man through your aunt and be like, oh my God, could I get his phone number and then you text him and you tell him exactly what's happening and you say my aunt oh my god i'm so sorry my cleaning person's yeah um no that's fine that's okay um can you start upstairs i'm doing a podcast i'm doing a gay podcast i'm sorry wait a minute where did you guys go what have i done we're here jami follow our voices Come on.

Jamie. Can you see me? Follow the glass. Can you see you? Okay, I'm back. I'm back. You're back. Okay, beautiful.

Oh, my God. You closed out of the window quickly because you were so, I'm just on impulse. You got that porn reflex. Shut it down. A lot of people do that. People, you don't want to listen to seeking derangements in the airport. People are like, are you listening to pornography? No, I'm listening to see.

seeking derange me. Yes, that sounds much more proper. But I think, okay, I think you could, you can text him, get the number from your aunt and text him and just be like, look, I'm a man. I've been a man for like what seems like 20 years. Yeah, yeah. And my aunt is crazy and she's transphobic, so I just want to let you know. Ignore my dog, please.

That's fine. You're fine, Jamie. I can mute the dog. And just be like, she's insane, she's trying to sit you up with me. It's not going to happen. And you should probably stop talking to her because she's crazy. That's what I would do here. She thinks, you pull him aside at Thanksgiving.

If you can't contact this coworker before then, pull this guy aside and be like, listen, my aunt's crazy. She hit her head. She thinks I'm a woman. Right. A lot of head injuries to that. Right. And I mean, if this guy knows the truth, he's obviously, he's straight, so he's not going to be very happy. that being said I don't really know what the move here is I think whatever's going to happen is you're going to have to have or yeah maybe don't go but your aunt will probably continue to do this as a means of like covertly bullying you so I would probably address the aunt first then talk to the guy and maybe bring in other family members of yours because this is like a truly insane thing to do to yeah yeah bring in your family member that's closest to the aunt that um

supports you. There you go. It's a really simple solution. Just change the location by having everyone else except you institutionalized, including the guy and your crazy bitch of an aunt. And then you visit them in the institution on the holiday. And then you'll have the upper hand. So like, you know, they can't say anything. Totally. Jamie, have you ever set up one of your kids? No, I never have. I was kind of tried. to but no I've never and not that I'd be opposed to it yeah I mean if I felt like it was a good fit you know my my daughter's in a long-term relationship but I'm always looking for my son for yeah nice girl but he's had girlfriends yeah any any nice young

women listening comment and he's cute and he's got a good job and he's a good boy pure what's what's what what's one thing that he likes well he's he's really into cars okay so you're like at the grocery store and you walk up to a pretty woman you're like i think you'd be great with my son he likes cars and then a guy kicks open the door and says everybody on the ground this is a stick on every gashier open the drawer my sister-in-law was a bitch to me i had to smoke meth which i got i got a anchoring to rob a gas station um let's get tomorrow Let's get to our next call here.

I think this one is also, yes, this is also about a crazy aunt. Period. I love crazy aunts. I love Aunt Debbie. Aunt Debbie. It's crazy that she,

I just want y'all to know. She's been giving, she's been giving aunt status. It's a free episode just so you know, Jock. It's fine. She's going to, she's going to be on Monday.

And yeah. She's in a bowl of soup right now. Yeah, yeah. Well, actually, the thing is, is she's kind of like a tank. She's indestructible. so it's kind of a 50-50.

I mean, she's literally withstood 12 strokes and still continues to do drugs and the lips. But I digress. She's not an aunt. That's what I had to get into. She's not. She's just a girlfriend that my uncle feels guilty about. Okay.

That he feels guilty about his cheating on his ex-wife. He thinks he has to be with this woman. Well, I always love the Thanksgiving. thing where Jock talks about his dad's girlfriend saying he has diabetes or something like it was a horrible dinner scene. I mean I was just like laughing my ass

off about it. Jamie it happens all it happens all the time and your sister was like are you okay like afterwards I'm always okay because I'm on 200 to 400 milligrams well you took a strong edible or something that it hit you and then the girlfriend was just saying

horrible things it was She looks at me and she says, Jacques, I noticed that you over-salted, you like to put a lot of salt on your meal. And people who often are craving salt are missing one essential salt, lithium. Would you consider getting on that? I mean, she once, my dad went to the bath. Master class and gas lighting. Yeah, my dad went to the bathroom, and it was me, my dad, and her having, stop, stop, no, no, no. You're on the big cage in the tree.

Well, I was, one time I accidentally sat on my grandpa when he was going to the bathroom. That's a story. That's a holiday story I need to tell you all about. You guys, it was hysterical. I mean, he was horrified. Like, I was joking around about the next day and he couldn't talk about it. Okay, my grandparents had, they lived in Florida in the winter months. And they lived in like a senior like mobile home.

community. You know, it was really nice. It was like in Florida. It's really cute little there. This pink little pink trailer, mobile home. And it was small. And so in the, I got up in the middle the night to go to the bathroom. And it's tiny and dark. And I just, and I pull my pants out. And I sit down. My grandpa's already on the table. Oh, no. Oh, no. That would be horrifying. Oh, my God. And he's like, it's okay, honey. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. that's a situation where everyone starts screaming I'm like oh my god grandpa I was like that was like hilarious but he was like

what happened we don't talk about that we don't talk about what happens we don't talk about that Jamie Jamie we don't say who are you why is this strange woman in my trailer Jamie we talked about this last time we ain't talking about it that's it happened once we're going to forget about it I'm furious Jamie you forget about that right now this is your grandfather Jamie

forget about it I mean it was like dum-de-dum pull my pants down and sit down and he's over oh yeah well he should have turned on the lights Jesus yeah well it's so when you turn on the lights it's kind of you know it's so small

yeah we've all fallen in it I mean I didn't turn on the light either like I just went in the music in the dark can I say on the genetics not turn on the light yes yes on the positive side your grandfather was there to catch you instead of you falling into the darkness

and breaking your tailbone or something. No, my butt was going to land on the toilet instead of it landed on my grandpa's lap. Stown away. You thought you were in like a void or something. You were in get out. Well, maybe at least your grandfather

helped you from falling into that black hole. Yeah. I would be remiss if I didn't mention two really quick details. That same a girlfriend of my dad's once looked at me after my dad went to the bathroom and it was only us three having lunch she says what mental illness do you actually have

she looked to me straight in the eyes and you know so she waits out yeah it's gone and it's like some kind of movie here's the most horrified thing she said my dad went to the bathroom it's me and my siblings she's talking about how they closed down on a house that my dad and my mom previous used to live in and that she's so, my dad's happy, they put biohazer tape all around it.

They put it in a big tent. No, no. My dad's, girlfriend was bragging that she had gotten a bunch of my mom's old clothes and that my dad loved when she wore them, especially her old panties. And she set this. Oh, my God.

Yes. My dad's girlfriend's talking about wearing my mom's underwear at the table. Chuck, I think whenever your dad goes, to the bathroom at Thanksgiving, you should leave the room. Yes. You're like, yeah, I got to go

with some ice. I mean, personally, I love the idea of this woman just like terrorizing you any spare second she gets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he put them together? Yes, yes. The last thing she said to me was, well,

you obviously were never affected by your parents' divorce and don't tell me otherwise. And then she said, you're not going to hold that against me. Wow. And always bring that up that I said that's, are you? And I said no. And I thought to myself, yes, of course I'm going to bring this every fucking day the rest of my life. I told my sister and she said, oh, God. I mean like a crazy person. Speaking of crazy people, I want to get to this call here because you've got quite

the situation on our hands. I'm calling in with a Thanksgiving tea question and ask for advice. I thankfully am not seeing her this year, but I have sort of nightmare. And, who is a nightmare in every way that you could possibly imagine. She has tattooed on eyebrows. She's kind of seamlessly induced a manic episode in my mother, like, multiple times. She's frustrated her own daughter's drug issues and is just like a real psychological terror in the home. And so I, from a distance this year, have to kind of coach my family through it and help maintain everybody's mental health. And so I wonder kind of what is the best way to neutralize, like, a truly caustic woman who won't leave any of us alone and has a lot of, like, opinions on our weight and politics.

It's a currently unsolved and many decades-long mystery. So that's basically a terrorizing mentally ill aunt. I mean, my immediate advice would be like, just don't invite her. but then I have the suspicion that your home might get some bomb threats or something terrible would happen. Jamie, what do you think? Well, that's why I'm the host because I can walk away from that, but it's a constant changing of the subject is what I what I go to you. You know what I'm saying? That's good advice. And I just sort of got radar like to a fault of like, oh my God, now they're going to say this. Now they're going to say that. Like I just can predict what these people are going to

say. And so I think I'm pretty good at like steering, but that's exhausting, but it's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's best if they don't come, but, you know, like the prime example of that in my family is my mom, so she, you can't not invite mom. But we all just kind of laugh at her. You know what I mean? Like I said. Because she's crazy. I mean, yeah. And it's kind of like she says, it's funny. And most of us, like I said, we laugh at what she's doing, but she doesn't even realize it type of thing you know what i mean so it's just kind of like get you know get good at changing those subjects like and i mean it's pretty easy to change a subject or yeah yeah yeah for sure i mean

especially someone like someone like this they probably exactly they probably take debate on anything so just speed run as many topics as you can and that's it could i say something about the the caller too yes but be careful because I think it might be a trans woman and I don't have to No no it's no no it's It's very We don't want that to happen again

No whoever wrote This is like a poet laureate Like beautiful with words This person sounds very kind And like nice The way that they described A bad woman as being caustic I'm like okay

Go off I'm like right my sister Did you have to look up that word I did not have to look up the word acidic uh toxic uh maybe period i was going to say um i think maybe talk to your family beforehand and just kind of i mean it's it's really hard to do this because uh a person like this always knows exactly how to push the buttons of everyone um because they love getting a reaction and they but maybe talk to these family members like uh her daughter

and your mom and be like listen like don't take the bait I'll be here also if there's any way you can you can antagonize her that might not be a good move though because I would think as someone who doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention

and just thrives probably on bad attention because it's easier to get I think you probably have to ignore and then maybe placate around the margins where it's easier but I mean with someone like this with someone who exists to just antagonize and be it's the holidays guys it's always at least one yeah sometimes you just

have to grin and bear it um and it's a holiday play with my pussy they sorry sorry sorry right right right also instead of talk toa your family how about you hawk to your family period exactly i think get everyone on the same page and have some strategy of being like, okay, we're not a... Hock to her Thanksgiving dinner. Hock to her on Thanksgiving dinner. And, yeah, just make sure no one's really taking a bait and that there's a united front against this demonic presence.

If everyone's in a state of pleasure, no one will be in a state of... Well, she's just on her own, just yacking and you're just talking... You know what I mean? It's like there's always... Hire a prostitute. If you... Hire a stripper to come, hire a stripper to come. When it gets really, really bad on the verge of something is exploding, you send

the stripper in and just completely... Completely freak the Thanksgiving cake. Or that could be a good plan, like having an activity or something when things are starting to get. You're just like, okay, everybody, you know. Yeah. Keep it sexy, make it cultural, get a belly dancer. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like a belly dancer. Nothing says like our snake charmer perhaps. A belly dancer with a big full belly from Thanksgiving dinner, you know? That's exactly. I don't get one of those like whirling dervishes dancers. Yeah, yeah, with the ribbon. Just do circles in the living room with a hat in the... Yes.

A Russian Cossack doing a step dance. A whirling dervish? Because I only heard it in the context of, be careful. They'll come at you like a whirling dervish. It is like a religious thing, I think, and like somewhere in like Eastern Europe. Do you know how some are? It's like they dress up and they have these long hats and they have these things. And they kind of do this hypnotic circular dance.

It looks kind of cool, actually. like a corks like a religious ceremony i think i could yeah do some do some religious ceremonies to distract this bpd woman we have another call we have another call here that i want to get to real quick before we get into the next one um she really only has um as much power as uh your family members will give her so i think set an example for them by kind of treating her like the the joke that she is and be like, you know, try to, like, pull your mom aside or your friend. And she wouldn't know probably, like I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. She probably won't even know. 51.50. 50. You know, for sure. On Thanksgiving Day. On Thanksgiving Day. Maybe we have to Christmas.

Yeah. Give her a big present on Christmas Day. On Thanksgiving Day. The sidewalks school with the holidays on Thanksgiving. Actually, maybe, Josh, she should wake up with your, um. dad's girlfriend that they can terrorize each other let's hear our next call yeah hi um so basically i wanted to ask um how i should come out to my family as unemployed i'm planning for some unemployment that should drop by the holidays um do i tell my family like right when it happens

do i wait until the new year i know you all have some experience so i've left to hear your thoughts I'm going to tell you right now, based off the voice, they know you're unemployed. You don't have a job. Sorry, Queen. Sorry, Queen. Why do you have to tell them? Like, just I guess because they want, because getting money from them or something? I don't know.

Maybe to get money or I'm sure, I mean, people are always like, how is your job going? And then you have to be like, I don't know. Just say you're doing Uber Eats or something. I mean, you can. Yeah, say same old. Yeah, you can say that. Or you can just be like, I mean, just be like, the economy is terrible. I don't have a job.

I feel like. anyone would understand that, but maybe you have parents who want you to be like a striver. I'm the kind of person, like, I do feel like you can always have a job, but I don't care what job is. Like, you know what I mean? You could be an Uber, you know, making some kind of attempt or something out there, but that's kind of my thing. Right. I mean, lie about some kind of job. If they need to think that you have a job, just lie about the fact that you have like a transitionary or something. Yeah, I mean, and if they don't think that's good enough, then fuck them.

Tell them you're starting a podcast. Yes. And show them our podcast and tell them that I'm you. That's how you do it. My stage name is Hessa and I am a part of a podcast called Seeking Arrangements. Yeah. Show them the Patreon. This is an opportunity to cosplay, to fantasy, fantasize, to be the job, to be the job that you always wanted to have without actually having to have it.

and then your whole family gets to accept you as the job that you want to be. And wear a suit and bring a briefcase and fill it with all of your recent magazine subscriptions. I love that. So that it feels like you have files in your briefcase. Bring your laptop and just set it up to quick. You're like, oh, sorry, I can't talk. I'm actually working. Excuse me, I've got a meeting.

Yeah. That's literally what my family thinks that I'm doing all the time. Because I'm like, I am like I'm on my laptop just like working all the time. and my family is kind of like oh ben's working and i'm like i am fucking working i am i have a job but jamie i don't want to take up too much of your time we're at about an hour would you can you stay on for a couple more do you need yeah yeah no i'm good okay perfect um i want to get to this call are you drinking wine no it's just water out of a mason jar it's water oh it's just water that's it everybody she's drinking vodka straight vodka that is my drink of choice

She would have had a fucking beer with me. I wish I, Hess, I've been looking at your beer. I'm a little thirsty. What are you, what are you sucking on with? I was jealous of her beer, too. I have this. Then what are you sucking on? It looks fancy. I can't tell your belly, they thing, or?

No, it's just water. It's water. You got a, but one of those bougie water things, don't you? This is a, it's smashed at the bottom. Oh, it's not too bougie. After I killed that person with it. Little bit of a rod on it. This is a, this is a, this is a ball, a ball of,

What do you call these, a mason jar? Yeah, a mason jar. We use those for sauce making my family every year. I mean, I'm not really into drinking out of a mason jar, but it was the first thing. My husband likes to do canning. That's the only reason you have any of this shit. I don't, I don't know.

I'm drinking my lifeblood, aka Bing, Bing Blue. Jock, is that blueberry flavored? Yes, blueberry, poison berry. All right, I'm done, okay. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Chuck scratches it off and it's called Poisonberry. I don't know I got the Poisonberry one again. Before my brain.

Wait, ask me a question. Forget Ben, Ben, just let me ask this. I have a client that's from out. I think she's from out your way and she brings me these treats when she comes into town. And it's like a, it's like a cherry bing, I think it's called. It's like a treat. Like a, it's like it's like chocolate with a chair. and then there's like fluffy pink stuff in there yes yes yes it's like marshmallow kind of texture

with the cherry and it's coated in chocolate yeah um i don't know if that's an iwan thing i don't enjoy that okay okay i thought she was out that way but maybe not okay i'm not a big fan i'm not a big fan of like the marshmallow you i like disgusting candy i don't eat it but there is a candy that's so gross um and it's called circus peanuts when i was a kid oh yeah the worst candy i love circus Big orange, and like if you eat one too many, it's like, but they're gross, but I love them. I've never tried so many candies. I've never tried a peppermint or mint or. You know what?

You're like Kelly. You don't like gum, right? Yeah, yeah. That's my daughter. She thinks it's like the triggers are. She can't stand the chewing gum. Ben pull, choose it and then twist it with his finger and plays with it on the recording. It's very triggering to her.

I don't choose. I think, Jamie, do you think that's, like, carmic revenge for you stealing the bubble gum when you were young. Probably. That's God. It's karma. It's karma. I can't even laugh at that because he's so mad about it.

Yeah, I just, gum is so disgusting. But I used to see the circus peanuts and think, whoa, that is crazy. To me, I would always look at the candy and be like, that's crazy that people are eating at. I mean, I didn't have gummy worms. I love the gummy stuff, the Swedish fish. I love gummies.

I didn't have gummy worms until I was probably 22 or 23, and it was only because I had edible versions. Oh, yeah. Like weed versions. And I, I, the only time I ever tried to Eminem was because I had a weed cookie that had me. So you're not really a candy person. No. Were you supposed to be getting to another call?

Yeah, I want to do one more. Yeah, Jock, I want to say, I can do a couple more. Hesse if you need to go. I can do it forever. I want to, I want to push through some of that. of these since I made so many desperate calls for them. Jock, manage a reaction on this one. This woman has called before.

She's very sweet. And I believe she might be Malia. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, I'm ready. Hello, this is Malia. We've spoken before. So I'm having an issue with the parisocial family.

I'm having an issue with a Cajun non-binary name Jock. And so my problem is, Jacques, why have you blocked me on Instagram? Actually, I know why you blocked me on Instagram, but it's a misunderstanding. I need you to unblock me. My at is at ax. Dot Lord. I need you to unblock me. I promise.

I won't say anything that will hurt your feelings again. I was really not trying to hurt your feelings. I was trying. I was saying you are one on the binary, not what you was a skis. scale of zero to one, not a scale of zero to ten. I'm saying you're one on the binary scale, which means you are eminently possible, and that's okay. I want, I don't want your, you're a beautiful man and a beautiful lady and a beautiful woman, and you need to unblock me. Okay, Jock, do you understand what happened there?

And if not, I can explain there to you. Yeah, I understand completely that she was being a bitch, and she probably deserved. She called you fuckable. She just... I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just joking. Did you understand?

The knife down. Thank you. Knife is down. Will you block? Yes, I get it. Did you block her? I like... He blocks.

Jack is quick with a block. And I feel like a lot of times it's... I have 473 people blocks so far. He doesn't understand our insults when half the time they're kind of compliments like this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Sometimes people are like, ha, ha, Jacques. you must be so stupid

that you probably don't know how to wipe your own ass you dumb fuck ha ha ha it sounds very much like something you would say that's not like that's not what this person said though this person said you're a one on the binary there's a binary scale like you would fuck someone or you won't fuck someone there

is zero or a one right does that make sense zero is I wouldn't and one is I would I don't get it I don't know what it means I don't want to be put on any more scales okay if we're yeah because you're traumatized yeah you're trying to bring me back to the zoo y'all I'm not getting on that giraffe scale well look I have 473 blocked people and to I'm trying to look for her

I mean it does it does it does it does happen I get in internet I've been blocked by HR 8 HR I was blocked yeah I was blocked by HR collection at one point is that her role is that a is that a fashion she is an absolutely insane YouTuber who sells yeah she's like a right wing line she's constantly having like freak outs it makes sense that jock and her would um not see eye to eye this is really dumb but i i'm so like not a political person like one you know yeah yeah so right wing is that

that's like people who love trump conservative yeah yeah oh that's okay guys I've I've refault unblocked Malia and I have- Is that Obama's daughter? Yeah, it's Obama's daughter's all for sure. And look, look, just so we all know you are a one on the binary. You don't need to brag. So that was the one thing that she said to me. She was flirting with you, Josh.

She was flirting with you. She's literally flirting with you. Hey, Malia, it's shock. I'm on the podcast, right? down. I just wanted to let you know that I have forgiven you for what you said about me and we are, we're cool. We're friends

now. So don't worry about it, Malia. I've called off the hit. Um, it's over and um, you know, which I did. Some conflict resolution. Forgive you. Everyone. That's how it's and happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. If you need a hop off, you can go. I'm going to wrap up. Yeah, I got a home on with you.

And Jamie, if you need to hop on your grandpa while he's in the bathroom. Well, he's deep in the ground now. Oh my God, it'll be so much easier to sit on it. All right, Jamie, thank you so much. It was so wonderful to talk to you. Oh, my God. I miss you.

I miss you too. All right. And Hessa, wait, before you go, Hessa, I called you at 1 a.m. last night to tell you that the next movie we should review is She Devil with Roseanne Barr. I just watched that the other night for like third time. We should have Amber on for that one because Amber really loves that movie.

All right. I'll talk to you guys later. Bye. Bye. Bye, Diva. Jamie, what do you think? Do you want to hang on for a couple? You definitely don't have to.

I can unless you want to get rid of me. No. No, stay on with us. We're not leaving. Are you kidding me? I'm here. Let's see what else we've got. It's so good to hear you too, Jamie.

It's been too long. It has been too long. I miss you guys. We wish we were going to things. send Ben random text because it's like I don't know who to send some of this crazy stuff to you can text me anytime Jamie and it's just I don't require any kind of a I just

who do I get it out to there's not many out there I'm here for you any time I need someone to text about and you too talk maybe I could send me saying I'm gonna get you a mid-century modern gift of some sort maybe maybe I'll give you my vase oh it's pretty is that

considered mid-city mid-century that looks like a Clarice Cliff more like a 1930s kind of uh vibes art echo more i would say um i've got another call here for y'all hi jackey she her hello s d um the drama is as follows my brother is caught watching porn by my sister-in-law and is like majorly in the doghouse right now for context my sister-in-law so they're in law her in-laws her brother was recently caught like racking up like a several thousand dollar bill on an only fan so that that's making it more dramatic there's also some like she's also

she also has her own sexual trauma that has this is sort of brought out but i i don't know how to feel about the situation because on the one hand my brother he's a he's a he's a he's a a heterosexual man. I feel like consuming porn is pretty normal, but this is like completely upended, like my brothers, like their whole in-law, their in-laws. It's also exacerbated by the fact that they are like crazy evangelical Christians. I feel like I'm being made to take sides here and like stick up for my brother for, again, just watching porn, but. Okay, that's it. What do you have why is this is this Christian family of hers made this issue so public the issue of him watching porn that people are now taking sides Okay, now hold on a minute. Is it a separate person that? Okay, so the person who called the person who called has a brother who's married to a woman

Who's family is extremely Christian got it the brother was caught watching porn in the wife of his the sister-in-law to the caller He's mad at the husband for watching porn and I will say porn is free yeah go ahead Jamie is he okay so it's not too I don't know because my brain is weird

but so is the same person like paying the money to watch the porn too yes so the the man in question here spent thousands of dollars on only fans which is insane to me because why is the whole family knowing about this but why is the whole family knowing about this

it's insane because the sister-in-law's family is extremely Christian and she of course went to them and it's like Bobby is we gotta have an exorcism right we have an exorcism because Bobby's paying too many BBL only fan women

like he's paying their rents I yeah what you said right the money no it's but but it's if you're married to someone that you can't go and make a huge financial decision like that without consulting

with your partner that is honestly like very I mean, there's nothing wrong, in my opinion, and dabbling and watching porn. There's nothing wrong with watching porn. But, dude, there's so much free out there. Right. I know. There's something a little weird with spending...

At that point, you're being fin dom. At that point, you hate your fucking wife. I'm sorry to say it. The reason you're spending that much money on porn is probably because she's not putting out enough in the bedroom because she's a freaky Christian who probably wants to control you by... Ben, I'm going to call bullshit on that.

okay yeah what I don't think it's it's it's so unfair to be like oh it's the woman's fault I'm just saying they have they have a dysfunctional relationship I don't think so because some I mean listen I got stories I mean you can be we're listening to be putting out but some of these men it ain't it's like no it's like yeah I don't know if the thing is and I guess the thousands of dollars spent is kind of giving like porn addiction or like I will say about like the poor thing is that it's of course unrealistic things that they do but isn't typically you know what every woman is into doing but so then that so then a man can tap men are more visual creatures they're you know like they can tap into that and see all this

like freaky stuff or whatever and that's what they want that's what their brains get conditioned just looking at also i mean do you know what only fans is jamie yes so only fans i mean the way a lot of it works is that like you'll have certain only fans creators who will like kind of ensnare you into a personal pseudo personal relationship well they'll DM you and I'm half the time it's like AI probably but like well half the time it's someone else they hire to run their website it's like a virtual boyfriend or girlfriend almost basically basically that you're paying out hundreds of thousands of dollars yeah and you can get sucked into that I can see but well you're being financially dominated by so at this at that point i don't think it's it think it's less sexual and it's more about

that this guy can't foster a true emotional relationship with that woman or it's lacking or something or it's just like and he's seeking just want to up the ante with all the you know what he wants to do is right you know and it it's not necessarily realistic for a lot of women who who are into that if you are that's fine right right right i completely agree agree with you i mean porn is a problem and men and that happens to women to give way too much of their time and you know but the bottom line is why is she telling her whole family about that really like at the end of the day this isn't such a big um trespass of your marriage that her entire family's know and now everyone's like you know you know ranked on sides it's crazy everybody

knows everybody knows and it's like no one's going to respect him anymore why would you that point you have to stick up for your brother because that's your brother and it seems like the entire weird christian megaturch family is probably against him for being like some kind of sinner um right i mean if he's been helping the family that's a whole other different thing that's not cool a couple thousand dollars i mean it's it's definitely too much but it's not like and if the kids are in there right right yeah right yeah if the guy has kids it's it's a level of way more fucked up but these people these christian families like they get off on shaming people and making it public because that's what makes them feel like

they're good, upstanding, moral Christians. I'm so pious. It's so annoying. I would absolutely stand up here, brother, and say that it's weird, that they're actually the weird ones for making his porn consumption, no matter how dramatic it may be. They're the weird ones for making this public. There should be an issue that is, that is tried between. the two members of that relationship and not by like a family court it's very strange to me and

they're the weird ones that it's weirder to make that an issue within the family than it is to spend a couple thousand dollars in only fans if this relatively smaller problem is becoming a widespread family issue there's probably going to be a lot more of them i would kick the bitch to the curb pardon my french i would not stay in a relationship with this woman personally well i think that would be very hard to stay in a relationship with her. I mean, just trying to work it out privately, and she's telling her whole, like, evangelical, like, you know, snake charm or family. And then you have a pitchfork mom at your door. Jock, what do you think? Do you have girlfriends? Do you watch porn? I'm just trying. It's really kind of hard to imagine. I, like, got lost thinking about

how crazy this situation could escalate. But I mean, I, I, I, if I was, if I was a woman in the situation not the sister but if I was hearing to that guy I would have been gone I would have been gone if you're if you're

if you that's such a dire mistake that's a that is to me honestly worse than cheating physically as some kind of deep emotional cheating I think it can be really damaging

I really do and I never used to think that but I've just heard of certain situations where because it sort of reprograms the brain a bit, I think, for some men. Yeah, and people just, I think men are really star for female affection, and it's very easy for them

to get it online, and they'll pay a lot for it, because it's a very powerful tool of control over them. I just feel like these... I'll say that's why I go to the strip club sometimes. Yeah, go to the strip club. There are more pro-social ways of getting female attention than

just, like, pressing buttons on your phone, like a rat in a lab, but... But is this true, though? Don't you find that gay men are a lot more forgiving about these things, which is kind of admirable in a way. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of do... Jamie, there's nothing admirable about being gay. So why don't you back it up and reverse that thing? Okay? This holiday is about pilgrims and is about turkeys. It's not about gay people. Right. There's no gay turkey. I mean, I had a friend who, he cracked me up,

He went on a trip with hair, a hair thing. And they set him up with a random roommate for this hair thing. And he was like, and he was a Southern guy. He was so, his name was Jackie Mills and he was one of the good ones, one of the good old gay's friends of mine. And he was like, and girl, we got there and we got in bed and we just never got out. But he had a long time partner, Ed, who's with forever. And I guess he was all heartbroken.

Jackie was about this guy because I guess he thought that they were going to have some kind of romantic entanglement and Ed just felt so sorry for him, his longtime partner and he like sent him flowers and stuff and I'm like wow that's really different like a straight couple would not do that.

Gay men are a bit more yeah a bit more open in that way. There are pluses and minuses do it. Yeah true true yeah but it's gay people handle the relationships like military figures, strategic drops of flowers to exes to make sure that you know

that the love that you once had with my partner is over but I feel bad for you for my partner being too involved because he doesn't understand that we're married. Yeah, it was just I don't know, but he Let's do one more call one more call here from

it's a family question. Let's hear it. Well, hello, seeking arrangements. This is a seeker in Seattle with too many kids. my wife and I just had newborn twins and we have a three-year-old where we live is one of the most expensive parts of the country and we want to get out

if you could pick a metro area for a family of straits trying to raise a family of queers or whatever the next generation is where would you go where would you go I'm not more good Louisiana though okay

bye disrespectful to purposely say I'm not going to Louisiana first off second off I don't understand you had three kids and you didn't name

either of them Jacques Hessa or Ben we don't know what the lines are you got three kids they could all be named I feel like he would have mentioned it if he would have had the respect but whatever

and then you're trying to raise a family of queers honey this isn't a farm you can't just put gay seeds in the ground and hope out a gay baby comes out and you freaking idiot a gay a gay baby i understand where he's coming from i mean seattle is extremely expensive especially you have kids is getting crazy there it is crazy

james yeah my my Cincinnati is is affordable really it's affordable and it's still like a city minneapolis i mean you seem to be what about iowa is that would you raise your kids in i wouldn't i would not iowa has the number two cancer rate in the country because of all the poison and the I was it going to say, do you think it's a fertilizer and shit? It's a big ag, 100%. I know. All the rural areas, you know, my dad grew up on a tobacco farm, but that was before they used pesticides.

They used to pick the tobacco bugs off of the leaves. Of course, you're smoking tobacco, but you're selling tobacco. I mean, it's terrible in Iowa. I mean, it's a red state now. Yeah. And it's completely bought and sold by, like, massive agriculture. cultural companies who like, it's mostly nitrates from like pig and cow shit that gets into the water and then all the pesticides.

Iowa, Des Moines, Glyphosates, Des Moines, Des Moines, Iowa has the largest water filtration system in the world and it still can't filter out all of the nitrates that come downstream through the Mississippi and through the Des Moines River from all of these farms upstate. But, yeah, I would not say, I would absolutely not say to when Iowa. I would see Minneapolis You seem like someone who maybe thinks St. Paul Some of your kids might be gay

Minneapolis is like very blue Awesome It's a city The winters are absolutely miserable But home prices there They're not even that bad there I hate them But if you like went

Did you live in St. Paul? Did you live in? I lived in St. Paul With my first Like true love And we moved to I moved from Lafayette to meet him in

Minneapolis and he's from here he's from Roanoke, Louisiana. The twin cities are gorgeous especially in the summer and it's still relatively affordable outside of that. I mean unfortunately the coast are just like way too fucking expensive.

The Midwest there's all these midside cities throughout the Midwest that are like totally decent to live in. You can still get a good house. Cincinnati, Columbus. I really love Madison Wisconsin. They'd be a great place Houston, raise kids. Houston, I mean, I love Houston, but it is crazy there.

They got them rainbow-colored roads. They do. They do. Jamie, what do you think about Cincinnati? Cincinnati's a good choice. I think it is. I think you have to, you know, it's like neighborhood-to-neighborhood type of, you know, if you want to use a public school system, that seems to be getting harder anywhere you live

to have a decent public school system. But, you know, I think it is. It's affordable. and you can still get a nice house affordably, but the area is not far from here out in the country. Again, like you said, the cancer rates are like off the chain and all the rural areas out here. And that's, that's no accident to that. That's got to be like the pesticides and stuff on the, oh, for sure. It's, it's completely, it's a pesticide of nitrates.

Like, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is, is purely environmental cancer. It's like a newer cancer in the, in the realm of cancers. Have you ever looked up that cancer? Because my grandma, my grandma had that. And, you know, she grew, you know, farming community and she was like big into like the roundup everywhere and you know all that kind of stuff and the garden and yeah I mean it's so these newer cancers have to be related to this the environment I mean I'm living in Des Moines Iowa because my mom has cancer and like she's

doing okay but it's a lot of cancer out there like everywhere it's crazy and it's like my mom she never smoked a cigarette in her life she barely drank like she's a extremely healthy person and it's like it's completely environmental and it's yeah it's getting worse and it's just like complete it's so depressing that the government like the EPA is getting like defunded like it's going to get a lot fucking worse it's like everything is poison yeah and this is in the Midwest the Midwest has some of the most fertile soil in the world or did and it's because it was from like millions of years of slow glacial melting and that soil is now completely fucking radiated from all the chemicals they put it in it's a disservice to all the people who live

here and it is a crime against nature terrible good hardworking people um so do you drink water bottle the water when you're there ben do you not drink the water on the tap or no never i don't even use the water to to boil things i go to whole foods and get a five gallon container of reverse osmosis alkalized water because that's the only thing that gets all the nitrates out you make sure that's what your mom is drinking now right yes yes of course I have a filtered shower head I have I mean I want to get like a whole house reverse osmosis system but then you also need to get like reverse osmosis water taps because it's also like in pipes and shit it's depressing but you know what I hope it will wake people up to the injustices of big industry

in this country yes let's do well we can leave it there that'll be our last call wait can i have we've left on a environmental note right right which is not a bad message we will get to more calls later on another episode jamie thank you so much for joining us today well thank you it was fun and jamie it's so good to hear you and see you too miss you too i'm back on anytime jamie maybe we'll maybe we'll be back on for christmas for Hey, Ben, what did you think of your little avatar I sent you? He's so cute. Show us, show us.

I said screw Betty Boop. Look at this guy. Look at this guy. Let me find it. It's like an AI thing or something. It's like an old illustration from like the 60s. I'll just show it to chalk now. Oh, my God.

Look at his eyes. This is me as a Simpson. That's cute. I love it. Well, Jamie, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. You too. And a great Christmas. And a great Christmas.

I don't hear from you before them. We'll talk to. Maybe you come back on for a Christmas call on episode, Jamie. Maybe, yeah. Since I'm mom. I think all of our orphan listeners would love to hear from their mother around Christmas. Well, I would love it. I'm going to go through all my objects and find which one is mid-century modern, and then I'm going to mail to you.

I don't just do mid-century modern, shock. I have all kinds of stuff. I'm going to mail you a gift of everything at once. Call the bomb squad, Jamie. Is he getting ready to what is it when you call the SWAT? Are we getting swatted? Have you heard? No.

Jamie, no! All right, love you guys. Love you, Jamie. Bye-bye. So let me hear you on Yeah While we get freaky I'm going to

Go a little dirty Get it on Yeah Now that we hear I'm on See I can tell Maybe that's something

to hide Yeah Because your words Sounds shady And then you start I can shy Oh.