Seeking Derangements - SD 10 - Vet on Homo Violence feat. Jacques

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

We talk to Ben's friend Jacques about his veteran neighbor who wants to kill him, PC music, working at restaurants, Denver's haunted demon vibes, and baby names. I feel like I lost like 35 iq points after recording this one.... anyone else smell burning toast? outro/// Didier Makaga - Minuit L'heure du Swing bonus episodes every week at https://patreon.com/seekingderangements Jacques' mixcloud is at https://www.mixcloud.com/jacques-gonsoulin/ You can send him money on venmo at marioparty2 You can buy his music at https://angelica69.bandcamp.com

Who let the dogs out? Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music and then just sit around and soak up your trash? Awesome time! how you doing how's you're doing great uh today it was another painful day of work um only painful in the fact that 20 employees what do you mean work oh this is your job okay well no no it's my old it's i'm working at moss chaos um which is a pizzeria taqueria um and they have rehired every employee with a small business loan, but they literally have maybe a 16th of the amount of work to divide among 20 people. Oh, because no one's there. No one's there and no one's coming in to buy. So there's just this moment every day at work where every single person is completely silent sitting at a table separate tables across

the restaurant doing nothing spaced out that have they like social distanced the tables i'm no this is not it's just like we we've just we don't even want to see each other but i mean like for customers have they done the thing where it's like well no customers are they're not allowing customers in and oh you're just doing takeout yeah we're just doing tape oh yeah i don't i hate looking at the customers to begin with yeah they're disgusting i hate they're disgusting looking and they all have a horrible family complex family complex called having having children exactly and i just i hate families so like when i get to know you or whatever and it's like my family doesn't pay me to like get

to know me like i don't yeah yeah yeah well wait are you you're not washing dishes anymore are you no i am not washing dishes thank god i finally was like being a prep cook is literally like what the ideal job because all you have to do is go in at like- Easy. Right? It's like, it's literally like nine to five. You don't even have to work in like a busy kitchen. You just like chop like 300 Brussels sprouts and that's it.

I had avoided working a morning job for so many years because I was like, I just want to sleep in on my Ambien. And now I just take it earlier. And you know, life is is simpler so you're you're you're doing prep yeah i'm doing prep i'm getting everything out of the way nice but i i mean what am i gonna do at work i've already finished the complete series of unsolved mysteries i have watched the sopranos four times yeah the complete series i mean that's so much fuck really yes yes that is literally like a that's such a long series to watch four times through the first time i watched it oh well i have work not not just at work but i mean i definitely

watched it twice at work that's insane i mean it is i've seen it two times and yeah it's really good but i don't know something about the sopranos um people are always like oh yeah it's just like a psychological show i'm like blah blah blah but like i really like it just because i want to like simulate being in a room with like nine italian guys there's there's nothing more hysterical when they just brag on each other yeah yeah yeah i want to watch the outfits like they're all they're all culturally gay but like you don't have to impress them like you don't have to worry about like okay like here's i'm gonna get this guy to fuck me or whatever like i i don't like this guy like sexually or whatever like there's no sexual tension but you're all like on the same gay wavelength yeah yeah yeah yeah no absolutely i mean the hottest one from the sopranos

christopher's hand down hands down oh my god dreamboat that knows oh my god. Dreamboat. Beautiful. That nose. Oh my god. Wow, and you're like, this guy's so hot. This relationship is so toxic. I mean, I've never related to a character more than Adriana. I want to sit on my dog. Oh my god. Oh my god, when he sits

on that dog. Had it coming. Annoying ass little Gip yeah okay jack do you remember jackie meadows boyfriend yeah from like yeah jackie jr okay oh hottest one in this show hotter than christopher definitely anyone that um he's just not as important as christopher yeah he's just like a dumb rock i love a man like that yeah he literally yeah yeah dumb as a rock the dumber the better the less complicated the less drama the last thing i need is some einstein fucking my rhythm what do you think about tony oh the the hot okay

i know a lot of girls who are like wet for tony i'm wet for t. I'm wet for Tony, but I want to be Tony. I see Tony and I'm like, that's the change. You want to be Tony. That's the change I want to see in the world. I wish I was married as well, having an affair. Yeah. I mean, my life would be a lot. I would love to be Adriana, personally.

Or Meadow. Oh, meadow is like garbage compared to most of the characters in the show. Really? I like meadow. Meadow is very obviously going to become a trash liberal. Oh, yeah. She's like a Warren girl. Upper west side liberal.

Might become a lesbian or pretend she's bisexual for clout. She would just say she's bi. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Queer for clout. Yeah, for clout. Is Cynthia Nixon a lesbian? Yes.

She's bisexual for clout. Famously so. She's, like, a legit lesbian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Which makes sense, though. I didn't know if she was like you know pamela anderson bisexual or like indigo girls lesbian i need like a full spectrum she's like

she's like governor lesbian she's like a power lesbian you know she's governor of new york no no she tried to be but she's my god that's for damn sure she lost she was pretty cool yeah she I mean she was like um she was running on like a Bernie kind of platform but yeah she lost unfortunately yeah she fucked up her shit

um yeah too cool garbage yeah but yeah Tony I wouldn't I wouldn't do Tony personally No he's just so sexy I feel like he makes Junior

I would totally suck off Uncle Junior That's disturbing He's got a kind of like I don't even like old guys Obviously it is if you would suck junior off it's an exception i don't know i think he's i think junior's charming i like his his glasses he's cute before i say this next statement i'm just gonna say straight up i would never fuck any of the cast of fraser that's demented i've never seen fraserier important statement look cheers is is up on such

a high golden pedestal and frasier is in the puddle of mud i've never seen either of these shows how are you watching these shows we're like you're like two years older than me where are you where it's because you obsessively collect like vhs's though no i mean i don't even have i i wish i had cheers on vhs i need something like i like i just like depressed drunks like you know just going at each other i don't know just it's just jews and italians but i mean beyond for me but beyond beyond christopher jackie and um uncle june there's really no hotties on The Sopranos. Okay, I'm gonna say it, and it's I don't fuck old men usually,

but Polly, Polly's kinda hot. Wait, who's Polly? Who's Polly? Which one is Polly? Max disapproves. I can tell them apart when I see them, but they look so much like Polly. There's Polly, Pussy...

The Polly is the one with the quave. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, no. No. Are you kidding me? I mean, let's be honest. I would fuck Shrek, and I feel like that's a self-affirming thing. That's like a, oh, this is...

You know, I used to be a twink. Now I'm a twunk. It's like a body positivity thing where it's like a oh this is you know i used to be a twink now it's like a it's like a body positivity thing where it's like exactly i can have sex i feel so liberated by having sex with someone who has the same exact body as me i mean he has freckles for going for him like paulie is like just a disgusting disgusting italian auric like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah disgusting. Italian orc. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Yeah, no, no, gross. Oh, I love that. I love like, I want to see a Shrek that's just Sopranos and Shrek merged.

That would be the real Italian orc. We're pretty close, honestly. They do act like cavemen. Have you seen who plays Pauly in the Sopranos prequel? There's a Sopranos prequel? In the works, yeah, the mini scenes in Newark.

I need to stop that shit. I don't want any prequels or... Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, yeah. It's like the picture Max just showed us. It's like... This is my least favorite kind of Italian, the ones with, like, blue hair and blonde eyes.

They're, like, lost Italians. I thought all italians were your least favorite no italians they're really there's levels to this shit the blue hair blonde eyed ones it's something's wrong about that that's just like all from the north like they're like sicilians or whatever right no no no like they're all from like the the north like lombardy uh like uh venice, like that northern part of Italy. Yeah, like Rizzi. Super sus, like crypto Jew.

No, they're crypto wasp. Italians are crypto Jews. This reminds me... Southern Italians. Okay. Remember when we were pitching this show to each other and we were going to be like, oh, let's rate or like

rank all the races like this is the closest we can get to that without getting canceled yeah yeah well we i you may have said races i just said latin american countries for the record you wanted to do the race science i just actually i think i said latin american countries which we could still do yeah well we can we can save them from we have a latino on let's rate sparkling waters instead tapachico one we can we can rate two i don't okay no no no no i do love tapachico because there's something about it that is they fucking carbonate the shit out of that one that one is i can open it i leave it out overnight i love it it's something about it is it's like high grade carbonation generally spicy it's spicy oh my too spicy no i i want the more

carbonation the better and and topo chico is a rare case in in which a seltzer can be good outside of an aluminum can most seltzer that comes in glass oh my god or uh like a plastic is just trash it sucks generally they're only good when they come out of like aluminum something about the metal the metal stripping away and turning into like i love a nice metallic i love i mean if i'm gonna if anyone's gonna have all-timers or dimension the group it's definitely gonna be me i mean i spent years smoking weed coke cans say but no really same though like oh my god i am really you know sometimes if i feel down about myself i'll just be like you know look at it this way you are really a success story for someone who started smoking weed out of a like seven up can at 14 because you've never like killed a mcdonald's

employee for not having enough chip chicken mcnuggets you know like that's actually already pretty successful what a glow up yeah i know it's i's really. Yeah. I used to live like a sad garbage man in Louisiana. And now I order 40 chicken McNuggets delivered to me via Uber Eats. You still have a trash lifestyle, though. I lived with you. My lifestyle is that of a king or queen so your tone seems a little disrespectful for royalty yeah i mean your own swamp there we go um yeah well let's talk about your your lifestyle you've your neighbor is threatening to kill you right yes so this is a development um

it's it actually started a few months ago when um i had announced to my neighbors it started when you moved into that apartment is when it started okay honestly from day one i i well okay i'll i'll begin with the background of the apartment building. The apartment was built in 1911, so it's hella haunted by angry ghosts who have been murdered, you know, in horrible ways or something. was an apartment building so god knows what kind of fucked up shit happened here yeah um the first week that i was living in the apartment building i was outside smoking a cigarette and i said i was on the courtyard front and i was like you know this is really gonna be a good experience i have a good feeling about oh man it's gonna be an amazing building this place gonna be great um so about 10 minutes i'm sitting in the courtyard and a ghost tour comes out it's about five o'clock oh yeah yeah they're like and welcome to the apartments

aka the murder hotel i'm like oh i know that building yeah yeah yeah i know that building so jock isn't you're in capitol hill denver which is um capitol hill denver is i hate that fucking neighborhood so deranged people i lived on and off in new orleans for years or whatever and never once did i ever ever face new orleans is like deranged in a way where it's like fun like it's like it's not like being sexy and having fun but like capitol hill is just i don't know it's about being sexy and having fun it is it is and like i i don't know capitol hill is really hard to describe it's like it's like the young hip neighborhood in denver kind of or at least it was when when i moved there it's still i think

it's regarded like people who people who live there are like the kind of person who would like willfully identify as like a hipster you know like think that that's like a yes term uh it's like white girls with blue hair who are like i'm a witch and then people who still think it's cool to call themselves pansexual yeah yeah yeah and then but then just like gay guys named like chrysler with face dermals that's those are the those are like the young that's like the young scene there and that's not even most of the neighborhood most of the neighborhood is just like insane vietnam vets and homeless people and just like old these are my twink friends chrysler lincoln and toyota yeah it's like it's

like that and then just like gay guys who had like moved there in the 80s or the 90s and just like have not left no it's so that's where you are and it's just a bunch of brick apartment buildings okay it's like these two blocks um near my house on Colfax between, I guess, Pennsylvania and Logan are just the most concentrated crime I've seen. I would say four. I've seen four people dying of overdose. Two of them did not make it. Just chilling. That's not really like crime, though.

That's not like. Okay. I have never in my life to be a temple overdosing is a crime against god think about that i i had never in my life seen like 60 year old prostitutes in the midday um just standing in the street with like like like that is like textbook crime scene yeah i mean it's not even crime but you know what i'm saying it's just like well something seedy very seedy yeah it's very seedy yeah and like the one of the when i lived there this really fucked up thing happened not even fucked up just like gross i don't know it's inexplicable um i would take the bus to work at this shitty cafe i worked up and

we get on the bus was the 10 um down pennsylvania and anyways i um this is when craigslist misconnections were still a thing rip uh r.i.p but i miss you every day uh one of my friends sent me a craigslist misconnection that was written about me on that bus and it was like oh my god i remember this yeah i would get on the bus like six o'clock in the morning because i had to go open up a cafe so it's like no one was on that bus that was like i would want to fuck or who was like young even it was literally just like veterans and someone that probably looked like bruce willis and fifth element like yeah after the methadone clinic yeah yeah and like i um

the craigslist misconnection is basically just like called me autistic and like yeah like unapproachable okay it was just like you you know you looked really like standoffish and like you know i think i was living with you when this happened no this is what i was living alone i was living alone i just in capitol hill i feel like they described you having angry eyes yeah i think that might yeah i mean i've had two Craigslist misconnections written by me, which is really funny because I'm like not it shouldn't happen for someone like me, but every time it's not like, oh, you're so beautiful. I was

struck by your beauty. It was like, yeah, you just seem like really autistic. Just like unapproachably autistic and scary. People love angry people people want to fuck Gilbert Gottfried

so I mean people want to you know yeah yeah yeah but yeah I mean that's what the neighborhood you're living in is like I can guarantee that people who want to fuck Gilbert Gottfried are like seven foot tall freaks with like massive

like mounts of silicone on their chest and like an eight inch penis or whatever yeah bimbos um bimbos what a classic beautiful word yeah i would love to so we've set the scene this is the the neighborhood the acacia apartments haunted by ghosts haunted by alcoholic veterans. Haunted by... And there's a lot of homophobic undertones into this. Into the building. So it had been building up. And one day I went and told people...

The undertones are becoming homophobic overtones. Yes. I love the deftones no i'm kidding but um anyway so it was building up it was building up for a while i had one day a friday wait what were the what were the undertones oh i mean like what were the specific actions because i don't know well i mean i had sat outside on the porch these everyone in the building just sits out in the front porch drinking fine whatever maybe not the best idea for a pandemic baller it seems pretty cool so i well i mean like you know i i was i was amused by it at first i'll admit but then when you're living with it every day it begins to wear down at your heart and soul okay and so yeah they homophobically sat on the

porch and drank no okay got it i'm explaining this badly i'll start off with the first the first incident so it was a friday it was about eight o'clock and i went and asked the neighbors who were you know all the people who live on the my floor were all sitting on the front porch and i was like hey i'm gonna go play music loudly for an hour to record DJing. They were like, oh, yeah, it's fine, whatever. So I play from exactly when I say 9 to 10 o'clock. Well, I'm wrapping up around 10 o'clock and I'm playing in the back room. And I turn down the volume, which I usually record with headphones, but I wanted to really hear it.

And I hear this banging on my door you cocksucker and nice you know normally you hear cocksucker and you're like oh you know that's a refined homophobic slur you know but you have refined homophobic slur it is it's like it's that's that's a high tier yeah yeah yeah well anyway i i'm just you know that was the first key that and he had said he had mentioned something where he was like every time you make a loud noise i pull my gun from out of my bed and point it towards your apartment as amusing as as amusing as that was um it's hard as an after story it it built up and i was i'm i mean i'm scared like you know like i don't even i don't leave on the front porch unless i'm at night so i can avoid these people who are there from you know 11 a.m till midnight just 1 a.m just loitering that is the life though holy shit and then

and then immediately if there's any kind of weather thing it's just happening next door instead so yeah i mean yes maybe i sound like a angry neighbor but i mean i haven't threatened anyone in my building well yeah no i mean he did i there is like a threat to kill you i suppose um but seems it has given you a a newfound hater hatred of veterans which i can see because you're found yours well maybe it's heightened your pre-existing hatred of veterans but your zoom name right now it's war events war events must be drowned to ensure peace so okay i wrote that at the height of my fear and desperation obviously i contacted the management of my building and and and and and the management of my building is was like oh this is a this is an interpersonal problem and to me that is nice hysterical yeah amazing they gasped into getting killed by your

neighbor can you imagine if twitter was like that twitter would be so much better if that's how they responded to me like uh like calling talia levin a disgusting ogre bitch who uh needs to head back to new york and lick every single step in the mta so you didn't get killed by your your neighbor though not yet fingers crossed are you still djing really loud no of course not i'm okay so i literally i don't know like okay i'll bring up i'll bring up i'm well i'm scared i'm scared from his point of view i don't know. Okay, I'll bring up... Well, I'm scared to even be... From his point of view, I don't think he should threaten your life, right? But imagine...

Just imagine being a Vietnam vet with PTSD, and you have to live in this little shit brick building where it's full of the aforementioned like

gay guys with thermals named chrysler i mean on a daily basis you have fucking ptsd from the vietnam war you're just surrounded by these faggots and witches and your neighbor is just a pc dj a pc music dj who's just just blasting Sophie at all hours. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, Sophie does, does trigger my fight or flight response. Okay. It depends what Sophie's on.

He probably regards you as like the Viet Cong. Like he probably like, literally. I would agree. Just throw him back in the jungle. God. It's like, you know when, like, a cartoon character is, like, really hungry and, like,

their friend turns into, like, a chicken leg? Okay. Like, when he sees you, like, you turn into, like, a Viet Cong soldier. I mean, literally, just give the big baby a bottle of his mustard gas and shut up. Yeah. God. Yeah, well, I guess we hate vets on this show now. This is an anti-vet podcast.

Look, I'll very clarify really quickly why I do not like them. Because they're murderers, and they get to wear hot clothes that they don't even deserve. Yeah. Oh, yeah. that is legit gripe. And all veterans, only fucking missionary. That's a fact. That is true. They're legally bound to. Yeah, that's what they sign.

They sign that. Yeah, exactly. They get discharged if they start fucking doggy style. It's crazy i i literally since the lockdown and the quarantine has begun i hear like blood curdling screams as i walk down the street at night and i'm just thinking to myself like what am i in the wild west lawlessness oh yeah you are you are okay it's just the mix of people in capitol hill that's what makes it the way it is you know obviously it kept it kept it kept escalating it kept escalating worse and worse and one day i had like a date ish kind of thing planned like during quarantine and

i was like kind of excited to finally have any kind of crumb of attention besides fucking talking skin on skin the wrong tack yeah like yeah like really talk to someone like you know yeah besides this depressing just facetiming bullshit yeah we were just gonna go grab a bottle of tequila drink it in front of the art museum and you know gawk at the people who were still outside and yeah the other guys on dates oh of course i you know i go to leave my apartment and immediately i'm confronted he's like i know what you've been doing i know you've been reporting me and i'm like oh god and and i'm like oh god i'm like i'm you know i'm being really calm that the girl that's there to meet me is like like oh just up face jaw drop just complete silence

waiting at the front of the gate um and you know he's like i i hear you i hear you at night with your 20 or 30 people in your apartment. I could not fit comfortably five people. He thinks you're having like a gay orgy in there. I mean, assuming. Absolutely. He's like, I know what you're doing in there at night. You're getting 30 guys over and you're fucking sucking them off. You're fucking in there.

Every time I hear you suck a guy to completion, I point my gun at the wall. What does it sound like through the walls? It's like. at the wall. What does it sound like through the walls? Like... Yeah, I mean, he's gonna probably kill you at some point. I don't know. Move out of there.

Honestly, go back to Louisiana. No, I don't want to. The quality of life in Denver is a million times better. I have a fraction of enemies here you know in Louisiana I guess you do have a lot

yeah you've got a lot they're out for blood there see that's how I feel about going back to Denver I just have way too many enemies that's kind of exciting yeah but you barely I mean no offense but your enemies are like Buffalo Exchange employees like you know the entire buffalo exchange

fucking bleak franchise that wants to kill me in denver so yeah no you're right i can't go back i mean that's no no no that's not even the point of making i'm like you know buff i mean you might as well be you know like attacked by a bunch of vegans or something yeah i don't have a i don't have a hit out i've got a target on my head by a trained uh war veteran a long time ago me and ben and um i think it was steven too all went out to karaoke and at the end of the night like someone that ben had burned or something from buffalo exchange just like stared at Ben with their arms on their hips just being like you know what you've done they followed me

out they did this psychotic they're all like theater kids who are now like cosplaying as like like queer like like urbanites but they did this psychotic thing where they followed me out into the parking lot, and they got, they waited until I

got into a car and was pulling out, and then they stood in, like, a choreographed, like, line, it was three of them, they stood, like, hip to hip, and they all put their finger out and, like, wagged their finger at me. Oh my god. I remember just being like, what the fuck?

And I didn't even know who they were, and I looked, and I was like, oh, I, that's that's one girl I've remember just being like, what the fuck? I didn't even know who they were. And I looked, I was like, oh, I, that's, that's one girl I've seen at like an art gallery before. I know she works at Buffalo exchange.

She didn't even know who like the other two were, but it was psychotic. Oh yeah. It was the, it was the girl that you had commented on, which this is a totally true thing. A lot of Denver artists literally just take the visual image of their choice. Let it be a picture of an alleyway.

It's just shit where it's like, it's just shit that's like, I'm going to make a scene that's a cinder block and a rose and a leather glove. I've seen worse, honestly. And it's just, it's just gay as shit. Denver has really weak culture. Fuck you, fuck you.

And for everyone listening right now, Denver has the weakest culture scene. No one expects anything it's just funny but yeah I'm glad that your neighbor hasn't killed you yet I think you're probably still at risk to be

honest I mean you know if you feel so inclined and you feel so bad for me you know my Venmo is mario party 2 that's that's mario party and then the number two wait yeah it used to be my real name which is always got fake i i've had to venmo you a lot you know just from being your friend and you've had maybe like eight different venmo names okay what is this

what what scheme are you running i had an ex stalking me one wow two two i had a client a sex worker client come and try to worker client you say that all the time okay sex worker client is the most maddening phrase it makes is, is this, is this someone's John? I had this John. There we go. John isn't a slur. Is John a slur? You can say John.

I thought that slurs were okay on this show. I'm saying that because like, why, why change John to sex worker client? Oh my God. Okay. Well, whatever. whatever whatever long story short long story short i had a 12 hour dominatrix shift that totaled at 900 and um you know and and this person was trying to give me their credit cards they gave me their car keys they gave me um like just stop things that i should not have i was like very clearly like look if you want me to um verbally uh

humiliate you and make you clean my house um it's gonna cost you you know i was like and i'm not gonna fuck you i was like let me just be just be very clear. Wait, why would you not want his credit cards or car? Because, I don't know. That's just like, okay, first of all. It's too much. It's too much responsibility. Exactly. Are you kidding me?

I don't drive. Oh, my God. Learn how to drive. I mean, you're not going to learn how to drive if you're given a car. Listen, just listen, listen. First of all, it was like a 1996 toyota camry it did nothing to me yeah okay i guess it was like a shitty car then then who cares but it wasn't like a credit card okay just listen let me get to it before this thing happened i was like you're

gonna venmo me nine hundred dollars i was like if you're gonna empty your bank account um and he's i'm like show me your bank statement and it was like 9 15 and i was like, you're going to empty your bank account? I'm like, show me your bank statement. It was like, $915. I was like, I'll let him keep $15. Nice. Generous. At one point, I literally made him clean the house and I tied him up and I was

like, you have to stay here and learn your lesson. Then I went and got good times. I ate a triple cheeseburger and then i came back and yelled at him that's so yes the american dream okay so so the worst has happened to you though okay okay keep going let me explain i'm gonna bring up the time that we we all went to a party in boulder and you stayed at kyla's house and we were gone for maybe three hours and we got back to kyla's house and the entire place was destroyed and the entire place was ripped apart and they were like it was

so inexplicable it looked like someone had just like had like tear apart the heart tear tear apart the house sex but there was just a bunch of food cooked and there was a cake. And we were like, Jacques, what the hell happened? And you're like, I done had a sex worker client over and we had crazy sex. I mean, the neighbors were yelling at us and he didn't even have enough money to pay me and so he just bought me a cake. Okay.

You've literally been paid in cake. I'll follow up with this goddamn story on a comment. I'm gonna say my Venbo again because if you felt bad about that happened to me we'll put the if you're a sex worker you've ever been to if you're a sex worker in the description support if you're a sex worker that's ever been stiff you know that party too okay no the mario party two was because after this guy paid for all this dominatrix stuff yeah he starts calling me a week and a half later and he's like yeah but my rent's due so i kind of need the money back oh what do you mean no bitch that's not how it works see that's you need a pimp

okay this out of saying we could work out a deal here. I'm just saying. If it were me, I would have dressed up like Christopher Moltisanti, showed up at his house with a tire iron, and just started, you know. I would have busted his kneecaps for you. If anyone in Denver is listening right now, I am taking a bodyguard position.

Security detail. You'll be paid in grape juice and smiles um yeah i mean he's at so he was asking for a refund and i was like fuck no i was like if anyone ever sends you money on venmo and they ask for it back you legally do not have to give it back to them period anyone sends you money at all without yeah oh totally and so i was like okay first of all fuck you absolutely not you don't get your money back i'm sorry you spent your money on on the the like me doming you yeah like sorry it's been nine hundred dollars for me to tie you up and go get fast food and come back and yell at you and to clean my house and to be a maid um wow that's that's a good workshop you didn't even get to bus god damn honestly also also for someone that for someone to be paying for that service at at 26 oh fuck he was 26 yeah yikes no i um bleak what was wrong with college jesus christ what was wrong you have like uh oh he he had to have he had something wrong he had he had five he had

five ants face so as far i mean he for all I could tell he could be all there are so many gay guys who look like that and still have like sex you know he was just demented he yeah you know at the end of the nine hours towards the end he was just saying things that were making me uncomfortable and if you're if you charge ten dollars an hour to like yell at someone no no no excuse me hundred it was it was nine yeah it was nine hours and it was uh no no it was 12 hours it was nine hundred dollars so less like more or less minimum wage for 12 hours nine hundred dollars no no no that's that's like 12 hours nine hundred dollars that's that minimum wage federal minimum wage is like yeah minimum wage and what san francisco or yeah dubai no making 900 in 12 hours is way more than the minimum wage

that's incredible honestly oh shit sorry yeah you're right sorry i have bottom brain today jesus christ it's like we play what max has never worked a day in his life I can tell by that fancy fucking microphone looks like a golden rich diamond bitch microphone Max has been outed as a little bourgeois piggy what everyone who's listening to this

right now can't see is Max is currently sitting in a golden... No, actually, I guess it's rose gold throne. Yes. Is that... I think it's three Xboxes behind him. Wow. Yes.

I got the PS5. I got an Xbox 720. Gamer's Paradise sounds like a nightmare. But, you know, thinking about how you were almost killed by your neighbor and all of that it reminded me remember when we we lived together at nathan's house and we got that letter from our neighbors the letter was incredible letter it was basically written by jane austen i looked through my my cache of documents, and I found it. But Jacques and I lived together at this... It was this just horrible...

It was a disturbing situation. I will never live with that. It was very disturbing. I will never live with that. There were two people living in a trailer, camper thing in the front. There was a... No.

There was a guy... Jacques, it was a three-bedroom home. Jacques is triggered. No, it was a two-bedroom home. I could feel the stroke coming home. It was triggered. It was a two bedroom home. I could feel the stroke coming on. Yeah, chill. There was a two bedroom home. Just like a little bungalow.

It was not a little bungalow. It was a family home. It was a two bedroom home. It was a bungalow. With like seven people living in it. When you say the word bungalow, you make it sound like it was a cute, tidy home. The home itself was what happened there was, was not.

Demented. Yeah. But so it was, it was me, Jacques, this girl named Alex, Nathan and Sam were living inside there was actually more sam was living in the house and then there were two um just what you just classic a classic case of trustafarians two rich retarded hippies living in a trailer in the China way. They smelled like guinea pigs. They were horrible.

They ate like guinea pigs, too. Oh, nasty. Yeah, guinea pigs. They had a guinea pig fucking diet. Oh, horrible. They were just doing ketamine all the time. Okay, we just did not have

any kind of peace in our house. And all the rent was still 400 after all of that honestly with all that said you know it was it was a pretty good package so all of us and really it was not that was not the backyard the backyard was bigger the backyard was very big i did have to build my own wall in my bedroom. I forgot. Plywood and drywall. We built my own wall.

We had to go in a van in the middle of the night to take timber. Steal a bunch of plywood? And of course, Ben and Nathan, career criminals, just look at each other with this smirky-ass smile like, we're going to go pick up some free wood we saw on Craigslist of course they're bringing me into this oh yeah we lied to you yeah yeah we told jock we told jock we saw an ad for free wood on craigslist and we went and stole a bunch of plywood from the construction site we were like jocks run run to the car run to the car um it was really i hope your fans will pay for your sins they are um but they are paying after so all of this being

the case right that many how many people is that five people inside the house five people who each had about three or four people over a day. No, that's not true. Nathan had at least three or four people over a day. No, it literally was not even that bad. We didn't even have that many people over. We really didn't. Okay, Shock's gonna

do a dab. How many dabs do you do a day? I can't do it. Dabs are like a hard drug. I've been telling you this for so long you have to chill on them it's like a heroin i support it i support it 100 thank you max let me tell you the smoke the smoke just coming up from under you shot let me say let me say this first of all i have been lit on fire from head to toe i have been i have been i have been hit by a car four times on a bike i have been hit by a car going 30 miles an hour on foot.

Yeah, I know. You know what? My body aches, and I want to inject myself with weed. How about you just stop getting hit by cars? Maybe you've been hit by so many cars because you're constantly blitzed. Wow. Do you think about that? Have you thought about that?

Wow. It's a vicious circle. The more dabs you do, think about it this way. blitzed wow have you thought about that wow the more dabs you do the more likely it is that you get hit by your 7th car just saying well I don't know consider it sleep on it

I roller skate 20 or 30 miles a day and I haven't gotten hit by any cars lately you stupid you roller skated once i was you roller skated into a parked car once not only i was drunk okay that's good all right all right that's different clearly this okay you that's a louisiana rule of thumb you won you won that one but i want to i want to read this letter that we got sent to please do but let me just say this you're being a little bitch you're acting just like the you're acting like whoever would take the top hat monopoly a total psycho thank you so much and the fantasy is for months and months sorry if you max you can get my number after this and i can tell you a few thank you so much I'm being a fancy boy Max

you can get my number after this and I can tell you a few techniques to deal with them it's very easy anyways I'm putting I'm taking off my top hat and putting on my reading cap which would not

fit your head Jock if you know what I'm saying. God. But I'm going to read the letter that got sent to our landlord. Did you ever meet him? He literally was like, Danny DeVito was Jewish. He was like...

All I know is that one time I was like, texted him and I was like, hey, can I... I think my package got delivered to the house after I'd moved out. And I was like, can you and I was like, hey can I, I think my package like got delivered to the house after I had moved out and I was like can you please save it for me and all he texted me back was no wow, no

okay, so the letter that was sent to Mr. Cohen is his name, I'm gonna read it Mr. Cohen, I am writing as a concerned neighbor to your Ashtray property property we have been living on ash street for many years now we have children and have watched as many families have moved in and uplifted this block if you add all the children up within a few doors of your property

there are eight kids under the age of 12 adjacent to your property this is a family neighborhood filled with people who know and care about each other okay first what do you do we still don't know who wrote this letter why are you counting kids how do you know they're under 12 what would yeah what do you fucking creep they have a fucking list man it's like jesus mr cohen i have counted nine sexy toddlers on this blog. Okay. Oh my god. So that's how this letter opened. We as concerned... We can narrow it down, but we know they're white for sure, because white people are the only people to...

I want to reiterate, at this point, we had not done anything crazy. We had done nothing. There were just a lot of people living there. Yeah, and it was never... We were never even that loud. We didn't have parties. No one was... Yeah. We did have one fourth of july party that was that that was after the letter i was almost nearly incinerated by explosions okay again what is new um but yeah i mean this neighborhood itself was like it was a bit outside of denver it was still in denver it wasn't like

suburbs at all or anything but it was on the way to aurver it was still in denver it wasn't like the suburbs at all or anything but it was on the way to aurora which is like was like the last kind of stronghold of any minority um like property in denver really so it was like on the way to being like what would be regarded as like the ghetto but it was still like a fine like it was middle lower middle income neighborhood there were apartments for a lot of people renting all the shit that i was talking about it it was a good house for denver and for the price it was just like a nice like two-bedroom brick home and that's what all the houses on that block look like anyways um we as concerned neighbors have watched and continued disgust

as your tenants pile in and out of this home. As today's count, there are six cars, a mobile home, and a motorcycle parked near a lawn. First of all, the motorhome was in the driveway, but this home has constant sketchy people flowing in and out, living in the mobile home, and throwing garbage in the yard and street around your property. The vehicle traffic is at all hours of the day and night,

often at unsafe speed and with little care for their surroundings. These raggedy old drug-running cars and vans have defaced our neighborhood. Before you bought this house, this block was on the rise and families felt safe and invested in beautification projects. Now it's just your house, your tenants, and their vehicles that bring the whole look and feel down of this block. that was the second paragraph which okay bitch you live you live next to one of the busiest streets in denver they're living literally living off colfax and there's no there'll be some traffic are you kidding me yeah colfax is literally like where so many dreams

have just died and we never even parked we never even parked the cars in the way of other people. And no one ever parked the car in the lawn. To me, this sounds like she's just... Whoever wrote this is incredibly pissed that they missed out on a... It was definitely a man. No, this tone is distinctly female. This is incel man who has no love and nothing else. And he can get into who we think wrote it.

But I'm telling you right now, I this tone is female. OK, I'll call her Susan. It sounds like someone who is so pissed that they missed out on like a gentrification. Yeah. Gentrified neighborhood. Like they thought that, that okay they bought the house they're fucking set for life uh like they're seeing all these uh places on spear and like capitol hill that are like uh kombucha shops with like next door to vinyl record stores next door to

like ramen noodle shops or whatever like popping up all over the goddamn place yeah and and they're like okay now this house is going to be like $450,000 in three years. I'm going to retire. And the thing is, it's probably going to be true regardless of us being there. Like, no one fucking cared. Also, the fact that we were being accused of being

drug dealers and... Well, it gets worse. Let me read this last paragraph. I'm writing you to let you know that we are not going to stand by anymore. We are not going to stand by anymore. We are collectively going to bring law enforcement, code enforcement, and outright belligerence to you and your little enterprise. We are not going to... We are not sure if you are running a hostel, a brothel, housing drug dealers, but it will stop now. Your lawn is a mud pit and hasn't seen one minute of maintenance all year.

I love that switch in concern from being like, yeah, you might be uh you're a drug dealer and you keep the grass too long this might be a front for human trafficking but then the lawn is horrible um uh your your lawn is a mud pit and hasn't seen one minute of maintenance all year it's just more parking for your little hostel i'm i am committing to you that we will bring this fight to you on Forest Street, your family, your street, and your neighbors. Since you obviously don't give a shit about any of us, you can plan to see how we will make you care. Do what's right and be a respectful neighbor. Clean this shit up now. And that happened so...

I love this letter. What a god-awful little snipe. It put all seven of us being put into positions like, okay, who's the drug dealer? Who's the whore? Who's the pimp? Who's the drug addict? So we all like...

Gay clue. Yeah. Jacques, you were... I don't know what they thought you were. They definitely thought I was the drug addict, to be honest. Maybe they thought we were. They definitely thought I was the drug addict, to be honest. You know, honestly... Maybe they thought we were doing all of it.

From people looking through a normal person lenses, you know, I'm sure that people see me and they're like, what in the holy fuck is going on here? Which is fine. If people who know me, you know, know me. But I mean, if people see me in the street and I'm wearing blue plastic see-through pants yeah and you know a gold mesh top and i'm blasting

yeah your personal style is like if lisa frank was um doing like portraits of clubs pre-aid like gay clubs pre-aids is kind of that's how i would describe it you've got a i love your style no thank you but i mean oh thank you so much glamour hollywood show business i remember when we got this when we got this letter um we had we had like a uh house meeting and we sat down and we were kind of just like baffled at how insane it was to like not send it to us not say anything to us before this but just send it straight to our landlord who like again he was never there he didn't give two shits fucking care okay mr cohen four foot seven jewish guy does not give a shit about whatever whatever psychotic

cop shit you are trying to force him to do he doesn't care and he called us and told us that he's like yeah i don't care um we we never had the cops come to us the funniest the funniest response from within the home to this everyone was just like what the fuck okay um was alex alex was this this girl who lived in one of the proper bedrooms so she was like like better i just thought she's fucking better than me oh was that that was that the indie girl that kind of lived by the kitchen yes okay she had she was such a she had like a rachel matto haircut and like msnbc you know like smart glasses i hated her and her response to this um letter she was literally this is an injustice this is an injustice and he's i'm like okay this is not

she says this is an injustice yeah she says that in her like 600 anthropology shirt. Yeah. It's like, dude, like, chill. Yeah. Literally wearing a shirt that says, this is what a feminist looks like that was salvaged from the rubble of a burned Bangladeshi factory. She's like, you know, has probably $900 in her bank account

and just went to the free food center to get herself her taste taste of fucking own alex yeah literally poverty tourist um oh my god wow yeah yeah she she is um but she had a soup kitchen to take selfies such well her response to this the reason why she thought it was such an injustice is because she said that people were profiling her boyfriend do you remember he was so hot her boyfriend was a dime he was like a 10 out of 10 not even joking top of the line top of the line and he face big waist big behind they met because she was teaching him english he was salvadoran immigrant and she was teaching him english and she goes without saying that she's white but i remember one morning i was like um i was like rushing out of the house for work and just like under my breath because i was late i was

like oh my god i hate being retarded i just like said that out loud and she heard me and from her bedroom i heard like a like a scoff like she's pissed i'm like i'm speaking to myself i'm calling myself retarded under my breath like what is your what is your fucking problem and i remember thinking like when you have kids with your with your hot salvadoran boyfriend who do you think you're gonna get you're gonna get me i'm your future bitch you're gonna you'll pay for the crimes of your your colonizing pussy by having she's going to have to choose between a thug son or a gay son

because that's the only type of son she's gonna fucking have and knowing her that science has determined that she's gonna choose gay son by just blasting the NPR by just blasting the NPR. Wrong choice.

Wrong choice. Should have had an abortion. Sorry. Blasting the NPR radio waves at her penis. She seemed like the kind of Urban Outfitters bitch that probably gets an IV of oat milk. No, not even like that. She wasn't even that like, quote unquote, like cool. She just had generic Urban Outfitter vibe.

Yeah. Yeah. She wanted to be Urban be urban outfitters but she was forever 21 yeah but oh i love her boyfriend i was like so he was like i can't even think about him i love that he would do the thing i found um his facebook this may sound like such a creep but but yeah, you sound like a desperate housewife. Literally so pathetic. I found his Facebook and he, he did the thing that, um, is like the iconic, uh, immigrant selfie pose, um, where it's like, you know, like people will like take, take a picture from like way, way up above their head to like make it look like you don't have a double chin. Okay, the immigrant selfie pose is that,

but you're not doing it to make yourself look skinnier. You're doing it to show off your head-to-toe 2006 Aeropostale outfit. You got it, Goodwill. It's so fucking cool. It's so cool. You know what I mean? Yes. Aeropostale is

an iconic sexy now well people think well it's come back like kind of ironically or something like fucking juicy guitar is like a like i don't know like second like like suburban white brand and maybe it was when it was being produced but like air apostille now is like what every single like fancy central american mexican immigrant dresses in like as soon as they get here because it's like oh i'm i'm in america i'm going to wear clothes for white peoples and be very fancy it's so cool i love i love them i love him he's he's a king but she was like yeah this is an injustice they're profiling my boyfriend for being mexican or whatever and i just want to be like dude like no and he's like in the background like i'm el salvador yeah he probably doesn't even care

the thing is he could like hardly he was not a very good english speaker and she would like yeah like yeah i remember like hearing them she'd like yell at him for like not speaking English to her because she was like, you've got to learn English. And it's like, bitch, you fucking, why date someone? If you can't,

well, yeah, I'll say that to his parents in El Salvador. Like, I don't have like running water or like electricity most of the day. Like you have to go on a hill to get like cell reception or whatever. Yeah. And, and like bitching about like, oh like oh i hate my my white girlfriend with the good pussy god i fucking hate it with a lesbian haircut why do all with a lesbian why do all the ladies in america have haircuts like lesbians so yeah like maybe maybe in this stage she's living the fucking way he's making her look like a boy her hair isn't very like a boy hair your hair look like jane lynch

literally yeah yeah but alex's plan to get back at whoever wrote the letter she was like guys we're gonna what we need to do is we need to go and we need to show these people who we really are they don't people who we really are. They don't know who we are, and the problem is that they just haven't met us. It's just like, we should all pick a time to, as a group, walk around and knock on every single neighbor's door and introduce ourselves.

Insane. Insane. Fucking crazy. Crazy. Okay, imagine this. The worst thing you could do is be yourself. Yeah, one. Yes, the worst thing you could do is be yourself.

Second of all, you're going to go introduce this group of people. Me, looking like someone who robs gas stations. Nathan, who is a canceled, crust-pumped graffiti artist. Toothless. You, looking like a Lisa Frank drawing he he looked like a popeyes character yeah like a character who is just like a kind of anemic but really i love sam um but just like little like techno gay um alex msnbc bitch and then two trustafarians knock on your door those all those people come to your door knock on it like oh but hey sorry i know everyone thinks that we're uh drug dealers

and whores but actually this is just this is who we are and you can't you have to love us now it's like we would get the cops called it we that's how we get evicted i remember like saying that to him like no we can't just go as a group of seven people be like hey you know that two-bedroom home down there we all live there like a gang and actually we're normal we're normal and we live in a normal house and thanks for thanks for seeing how normal we are now like that that would be like hi i'm normal now it's so insane and so every time i try to explain to people that i'm the normal she ended up moving out that is that's part of why she moved out because she disagreed with us being um like conciliatory to like all right like what what the hell is wrong with you she's like they just don't

know who we are well and then we then we then we traded for like a clown and then a girl who immediately got a house arrest bracelet on with them oh kelly i love kelly so so like kelly's so hot and cool i miss her so much she's one of the coolest people right after that but i remember one morning i woke up it's like at three o'clock i woke up really late but i woke up to like nine texts from you and you were just like ben i had to go to work but if some look kelly got arrested last night for punching her punching her twink boyfriend in the face and if you see a twink around if you see that twink come around the house you call the cops on him and i remember just being like what like jock like what is what are you talking about because jock jock does this really insane thing when he sends text, and I don't

exactly know why it is, but Jacques, I think it's because you send text with, like, voice to text technology or something. Nope, I don't even. Okay, but something is going on. Nope, just pure insanity, baby. Whenever Jacques texts, it looks like a rupee car poem where there's just all of this random spacing. text it looks like a rupee car poem where there's just all of this random spacing and reading text for you are the most indecisive indecipherable thing the best line breaks

yeah i'm sorry you can't read it ben listen to me ben if you see that twink come around that house you gotta call the cops on him because he is violent it's dangerous twink and it's like this is all just like spaced out like and like seven different lines i'm just like this is insane i can't even deal with this but well we don't need to get into kelly that's that's a whole nother story she one of our roommates beat up her twin it was just it was a whole thing like the the energy in our house was constantly building for the heart x yeah yeah i mean the girl gets the the house bracelet. Then a week later, the guy gets super canceled. And then on top of that, then the clown moved in.

I mean, it was just... Yeah, one of the Buffalo Exchange employees who tried to cancel me moved in. I had moved out by that point. But yeah, that's what happened there. We didn't get evicted. Who knows? I'm kind of glad to be out of that place. It was fucked up.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad too fucked up oh yeah denver is demonic it is demonic um i i think that about 75 of the reason i still live here is strictly because i like roller skating here yeah yeah you roller skate yeah like downtown denver is super nice and open for like has wide ass lanes are you from denver no no but i i've been there a couple of times my friends some of them live there shout out lauren um her best friend is like this insane like or former best friend is this insane like trust fund baby from like california whose parents like pay her for like data entry or whatever like way above market rate for her to like input names into like excel spreadsheets for her

what a privileged brat i just had a regular job from my dad scanning negatives of dead babies like any other person jocks my dad is an obgynn one of the top obgyns in louisiana so no in the nation oh sorry in the nation but um so to get extra money when i was younger he had these stack of like negatives of babies dead babies for like uh some kind of wait do you mean like abortions or do you mean like that have died? Babies that have died that had deformities. Oh, damn. This is so brutal and horrible. I was like 11 or 12

scanning dead negative babies for $20 an hour. I mean... Anyway... $20 an hour is not bad. Absolutely. This girl Fiona She fucking rocks

She lives in Boulder as well Like her mom Bought her a BMW Like SUV Like not even like A fucking sedan Or whatever Like a full on SUV

And she She bought this This rescue pitbull With her white ass Wigger boyfriend And moved across the country To her boyfriend's Parents place in pennsylvania

where like they live in some falling water ass like bougie ass house in the poconos insane yeah insane and i love her i stan boulder's demonic um yeah i hate i hate that i love apocalypse as soon as this shit is over as soon as it's ethical for me to leave we're going to louisiana we're going to louisiana to kyla's house oh yes where i'm gonna go to kyla's house and i want to go back to new orleans i love new orleans i want to go play some shows in new orleans do you remember when we were in new orleans our first day there you we were walking down we were walking down was it saint charles street or something and it's and a school bus full of children it was literally let me say this it was a school bus full of like black seven-year-olds and jock was wearing like tiny little yellow shorts and they all they all like they all like

pulled down those like shitty little bus windows and yeah screamed uh at jock they called him a they called you a fake faggot your first day being back in new orleans you get bullied by like 20 black i mean it happened and i just said to myself i'm home honestly they was probably they was there's probably like a yas queen really yeah it was a celebrate they were celebrating you honestly i would rather be called a fat ugly motherfucker than some random straight girl walk up to me and be like yas queen absolutely the house down henny yeah but you get that oh snatch multiple weaves or whatever yeah that's because you're the funny thing about the funny thing about you jock is well well i'll i'll digress a little bit max and i have an agreement to never have

another gay person on the podcast another gay man but you are you're bi i'm by you are like a through and through real bisexual yes a rare kind true and you can tell it because you never talk about being bi never you can always spot you can always spot that a person is is lying about being bisexual if they say i'm bisexual that's the biggest way to tell someone is like yeah yeah yeah but like i knew you i didn't even know you were bi until you were like yeah my girlfriend and like you like jock jock jock pulls in a lot of pussy and it's like they're all like normie girls they love you that's what i like i wanna i like i like no i like shy meek normal people i'm i'm already at the top degree of weird multiplied by crazy i need someone to ground you yeah i need someone that's like a

white woman love it white women see white women see jock and they have that instinct that they have for like um kind of like man children or no no no no no that's not where i'm going i don't know where you're going with that i'm saying you know how they're like white women who are like i can fix him you know yes that's how'm saying, you know how there are like white women who are like, I can fix him, you know? Yes. That's how they feel about you because they're like, oh, this strung out gay DJ. Here, let me help you.

I'm going to give you my pussy. I'm going to give you a cheeseburger. We're going to get you right back to hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, here's a big tall. All the damage those vaccines did to you when you were a kid. I'm going to do all the damage those vaccines did to you when you were a kid. But no, the funny thing about you being bi is that one, you do really well with women.

And two, like you have been the victim of more homophobic violence than like any gay guy. I have had, I was one time walking downtown Lafayette and I was wearing like not even aggressively skinny jeans, but apparently skinny enough to where a guy was like, hey, nice jeans, faggot. And then I got a bottle hit on the back of my head. And I turned around when he did that. So the bottle really hit the back of my head. It hit like the front of my face. I had a black eye. i had just left work i show up back to work like confused the black i'm like y'all some guy just hit me in the head with a bottle y'all gotta give me a drink yeah it's it's it's unfair that you get uh so much it's cruel and and again i'm just gonna

say my venmo is mario party 2 if you want to stop the homophobia donate today you want to stop being pelted with glass bottles in public for being bisexual i will use this money to escape my capitol hill grave yeah and so please i mean i've never been i've never been like beat up for gay. I've gotten in fights for people calling me a faggot, but I've never been attacked for being gay. Physically, no. Only glass bottles, I feel like. I don't think anyone's ever given me a serious-ass whoopin'. But definitely bottles.

And water bottles. It's pretty serious though. It keeps you grounded. Honestly, it honestly was, which was worse was like being 16, living in Corpus Christi, Texas and getting hit in the face with a full water bottle that was closed.

That's hilarious. Coming from a car. That's really funny. I remember one time I was the last instance of homophobia of of class i would love to read that memoir the last instance of homophobia you know that classic homophobic thing that happened to me as i was walking um home from work i think i was must have been wearing something pretty gay. And someone, some guy just on his porch screamed, go back in the closet.

Okay. And I just didn't even say anything because I was like, oh, okay. True. First of all, I've never thought of you to be a, like, you know, a hidden gay. Go back into the closet. Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was never, like, really in. I don't think anyone's ever been in the closet yeah no i yeah yeah i was never like really i don't think anyone's you're never no you're not like also you're not like a flamboyant gay by any means either though you're very you could definitely straight pass yeah i don't know i mean i i i'm not like i don't know it's it's i i can't say because it's it's hard to judge yourself accurately you know i think that if i saw me i would know i was gay but that doesn't really mean that much um i mean from a scale to tim allen to fairy yeah you're definitely like right in the middle the spectrum the spectrum is tim allen what's known as the kinsey scale um yeah i don't i don't know um but that was the last time i got homophobic

bully had a bunch i think the last thing before this crazy ass neighbor was like four years three years ago you're almost you almost got killed you're in the process of being killed for being gay by your veteran neighbor that that tube oh i never even did the impersonation of him oh let's hear it he was there he did an impersonation of me on the front so this is your impersonation of his impersonation of you exactly amazing okay so he was like oh and i can hear you at night like making these like like like and like you know doing this doing the limp wrist yeah i've been calling i've been called a faggot i've been called a poofer i've been called a flamer but but

the worst thing that anyone could do to me is just giving these these limp wrists it's like that one time that woman came into chaos and looked at you and me and was like, I want you two as my waiters. And she like, she did this. It was like, oh, we get it. You want a gay baby. It's horrible. It'll never happen. But you know, oh, that's what I would, that's what we were going to talk about earlier is

that like, you are bi, but you get the treatment from so many women that is just like, my GBS, yacht queen, because you dress like a total faggot. Yeah, I do. I do. I wear a suit. Yeah. You get that constantly.

I hate that. That pisses me off so much. You can use it to your advantage. I've used it to my advantage so many times. I think it's funny because I'm so- It's a lifestyle. I can look so gay and so flamboyant, but I also could just look like a normal straight person. Okay, maybe not.

I'm sorry. I don't think you could pull that one off. But yeah, I mean, I remember like, especially like waiting tables, it comes in handy so much. Oh, yes. I remember I was this massive, a massive bitch to this. what jock and i worked

at a pizza restaurant and there's this table that came in and they were like the kind of like nebraskans wrote you up for being snippy yes the people let me the people the kind of like tourists that come into oh my god that come into denver from like nebraska and like let's go to the city and it's like oh you hog fucking brained people say we are and hog people those people are back yeah literally and they ordered a bunch of pizza and they were like this what pizza with an egg on it you kidding me what is pizza with arugula i'm like okay you are at a wood fired pizza restaurant go to domino's like the kind of people that are like oh my god yeah don't make me feel like i'm an elitist gay like pedo or something this is normal what

the menu here is normal i'm not brian singer what i'm doing is normal fuck you for making me feel like i'm i'm an elitist psycho so they ordered a bunch of like pepperoni and cheese and then they freaked out because we didn't have ranch and so literally no one of them one of them stood up she's like you don't have ranch i was like well you have caesar and she's like no and she stood up and she walked to the 7-eleven down the block and bought a bottle of ranch and brought it back to the restaurant with her. And I was just like, oh, my God, this is psycho. The owner of our restaurant thinks it's so beneath us to serve ranch. The whole time.

It's stupid. I know. But the whole time I was just being like not I wasn't like I'm generally very nice to tables when I wait on them, to be honest, until they suck. And then I switch like that massive, massive bitch. And so they called one of the managers over and were like, yeah, our waiter is just, he's being a little snippy and has an attitude. And it was Riley and the manager's name was Riley.

And he walked up to me and told me that. I'm like, honestly, Riley, like, I heard that. I know, this is what I said. The manager did not care. He didn't care, but I wanted to cover my bases. Ben was literally regarded as the best waiter. Riley walked up to me and he told me what was happening. And I was like, you know what?

Like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie. I heard them use the F word. It's like, faggot. It's's like that's why i was that's you know i just felt uncomfortable waiting on them and that's why i was quote-unquote snippy because i didn't want to be around homophobic people and he was like yeah he's like yeah that's not cool it's like so evil but you know what well he obviously he did not care he literally regarded you as the best waiter um yeah no i miss waiting tables so much really i i genuinely miss it because i miss working for another house yeah i miss being a host i would just drink white wine for hours yeah and and tell people lies like

yeah you'll sit down in 30 minutes yeah totally it's it's it's it's the funnest job especially when you're working at a place where like there's no standards uh where there's no standards everyone's an alcoholic and all alcohol is free yeah yeah when did you start working in restaurants 13 years ago i was really young i started working as a dishwasher at a pizza restaurant like 15 16 yeah no actually probably 17 actually so maybe like 10 years i started when i was 15 and it's i mean it really is like it's not something they should allow like adolescents to do no of course not because like it's just like a fast track into like having a like 42 year old career server like molest you or buy you alcohol or give you weed which i did all of that happened to me so like it definitely

definitely yeah it's um there should be some kind of protection for child laborers in restaurants. Okay, we are not child laborers in a restaurant. We're not like, can we please have a bowl of porridge for serving that table? I don't know. It felt like it. But yeah, I don't know. That restaurant never felt like work. I think restaurants, what I worked at when I was like 14 like iowa 14 15 oh yeah being a bus serving tables when i was like 16 until i was like 24 like the first restaurant i worked at

was called the pizzeria and people love pizzeria yeah love pizzeria fancy oh so fancy people would just drop the pasta dishes on the floor and then scoop them back up into a plate and just serve them to customers that's so yes what's the what's the most disgusting thing you've done with well i guess we've we've said the name of the restaurant you work out so we shouldn't say i shouldn't ask you what no no no i'll tell you i okay i'll say i'll say straight up and i've never had to do this to another restaurant but the first restaurant i ever worked at i was so disturbed by how disgusting yeah and how unhygienic they were i called the health department oh i was gonna say what's the most what's what's the worst way you violated health code at a restaurant uh you took this in the opposite way okay um the

oh you don't have to say it i don't want yeah yeah exactly the last thing i need is some employer being like i've actually been listening to that podcast seeking derangement so now i know what how disgusting you are you sick pervert yeah yeah yeah yeah i i've seen a lot of disgusting shit happen in restaurants i think honestly just like the most 10 out of 10 one of the most disgusting things ever to happen is that i had probably stuffed over 20 pounds of like disgusting rotten food matter down a drain oh yeah but that's all after the fact no no no but listen listen but for only for two hours later for it to literally shoot out of the drain upwards all over my body actually okay this is the

best story i was working at the pizzeria i love okay you're jocks um jocks dishwasher outfits are so fucking funny you literally dress like a 14 year old fat puerto rican boy named chico because you have like you do that thing that they do where they they'll match like an accent color on their like button-up baseball tee top with their shoes you'll have like a yellow stripe on your top and you'll have like these bright yellow shoes it amazing i love those outfits so yeah you being covered in um 20 pounds i love dressing covered in 20 pounds of restaurant sewage. I love dressing like Spongebob. Like a Spongebob character.

But that wasn't even... He did have that drip, though. Not even the worst thing to ever happen to me. The grossest thing ever was that I had probably the biggest trash bag I had ever had in my life just full of food waste over the night it was all like five gallons of marinara sauce hot soup soup what happened to cheeses um i had to so it was middle of winter the coldest louisiana ever was And I have to lift this trash bag over my head into the dumpster.

And the hot marinara at the corner of the trash can melts the opening. And as I'm lifting it, open the heads, it like Carrie at prom covers me in trash. That's so cool. And I'm like just screaming at the top of my lungs and someone came outside i was screaming i was like i'm not fucking closing you're closing yeah and this is before uber this is before i i had to ride my bicycle across town covered in marinara looking like a spaghetti ghost yeah yeah well it makes sense that like i mean people are like oh sex work can be degrading or whatever but it's like actually like working in restaurants just like as a bus working as a dishwasher just covering yourself and other people's any leftover position is incredibly like laughably like degrading demeaning yeah i've just like

that smell that you get and it's like on your you can feel it on your skin where it's like it's like like like melted plastic and like butter and you can it's like the worst smell i i've been smelling that since i was like 14 but just like work from working in restaurants when i was a dishwasher they get all, but just like work from working in restaurants. When I was a dishwasher, they get all oily from just like being in a kitchen. It's disgusting. Castile soap to strip the shit out of my hand. Yeah.

But you know, I really, I really do miss restaurants. I love them. Um, Oh, I can, we let's talk about something else.

Oh, Jacques, um, you know, Anderson Cooper. Oh yeah. He had a, he had a kid. The great awful yeah at the cnn anchor he

had a child um he he's 50 how old is he he's that seems too old to have a child 56 and you know he's gay right i mean of course i've got a i don don't... Let me see how old this bitch is. He had a kid from a surrogate. And there's so many... He tweeted about it. He's 57, I think. 52-something. How old is his husband?

I don't think he has a husband. Does he have a husband? I'm pretty sure he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's married. He has a long-term partner, for sure. Is it Andy Cohen? Oh, oh my god they're like friends i'm looking up anderson cooper partner right now it's not it's not andy cohen if it was andy cohen so open open a portal to hell yeah the ultimate

evil gay couple there are so many like funny like christian moms and like like trump people responding to him on twitter just be like where's the wife why where's the wife what do you mean and i don't see a woman so if you want to explain this unnatural process you've been going through so funny this woman accused him she tweeted this amazing thing where she was like oh i guess i see anderson cooper's making human trafficking cool oh my god i love it there's this another woman was like oh clearly a baby's the product of satan yeah of course this baby's born into sin at the lifestyle of the homosexuals but i don't know i mean i would if you want kids oh of course i actually recently uh a friend a mutual friend of mine approached me as well as the friend that we're mutually friends with yeah okay so i'm like yeah let's have a baby i want

kids too but it's it's crazy to me like i could never trust i have like surrogacy i don't know it's like a super complex like ethical issue i don't i don't know exactly how to think of it but like i would never trust a gay man who had to resort to surrogacy because it's literally like what you don't do not have like three female friends that you're close enough with to have a child oh that's like a super big responsibility that's a like you a lot every gay gay guy I know has a female friend that's like, oh yeah. I could name four or five girls that would absolutely

carry my child. And Jacques, you just literally could because you're Bob. I would like having a kid... The idea of having a family sounds nice, honestly. It sounds wholesome. I would love a very wholesome life where I just focused on my family and my partner. What i would love to do is just have a baby with one of my straight

girlfriends and just like raise it as like friends just like you know like he was adopted yeah i think something like before i no not to say he's ours you just raise him as mommy and daddy and just daddy's gay and mom they've never been together they did it for fun mommy's daddy's gay and mommy's a lesbian yeah no that kid's gonna have the worst fucking childhood getting bullied all the goddamn time no it'd be less fucking faggot and your mom's a less than gay than a kid raised by two gays i think i'm gonna want to it basically be the same model as like gay guys in the 40s who had to marry like

like a fat lady oh that's true you know what i mean god bless him yeah i think that i'm gonna have an anti-franchise that's how gay should be having kids you want to auntie anne's franchise before you have a child yes of course how do you think i'm going to support this baby yes daddy's just going to open a pretzel stand so you can be born little ethan ethan name your kid ethan no i'm just thinking of this comedian who always refers to her unborn child as Ethan. Okay, nice. I don't know. I wouldn't, I hate the name Ethan. I don't know what I'd name my kid, but I'd name it something freaky.

Sigoni. Say that again. Sigoni, like Sigoni Weaver. Like Sigoni Weaver? Yeah. He'd be like, hi. Okay, so my dad said, uin and this woman um was pregnant and he delivered her three children and she was like okay i'm gonna name my children right now she

looks around the room triplets or what pregnant with triplets and she has the children and she looks around the room and she says okay i'm gonna name my child samsung toshiba and sony was the the name of the medical equipment around the room the brands and she named her triplets after that's really honestly that's really chic and ahead of the time like oh totally like a lot of that paltrow is already on the way naming them i mean i i there are like people who there are a lot of like people who transition and like come up with like tech names like that that are really cool like sprocket yeah like vizio and stuff gizmo this is my non-binary partner gizmo yeah and then this is our third thruple partner yeah yeah oh well you're also

non-binary too i forgot about that that that is true i have no gender i'm basically i'm like one of those lizards that could camouflage at will yeah yeah yeah well okay now we can make fun of non-binary people since you're here okay so anyone that is non-binary that chooses to shave their eyebrows off is not erasing their gender they're just erasing their hope for ever having a successful relationship in their life. Anyone who shaves their eyebrows is asking for instant death.

Yes sir. Okay I don't know. I co-sign that completely. I don't know if they need to die. One time Ben got the ugliest haircut. We talked about it. We already talked about the eyebrows thing you missed it sorry bitch well sorry this podcast is old how much you love to

make fun of me torment me i love it i i need one i need one leg up in this world against you well what when i get famous and you're just stuck in the podcast world yeah maybe i'll think about you on your on your estate on your your mansion in louisiana my plantation okay let me let me say why i said that i'm just imagining living moving back to louisiana and buying a literal plantation like okay yeah whatever you were like ranking the races earlier i don't think you want a plantation style house what is a what is a plantation style it's just a historical looking louisiana home i'll google image it okay god damn no no whatever this is not even worth it

you can step it with white women yeah yeah yeah put the racial karma back in uh finally white slavery there goes all of my venmo oh no you should i mean you know it look you'll just edit it out whatever you want to go back to 300 years white women are gonna like call each other house karens or whatever it's gonna be insane i mean do you guys remember that though like in like elementary school i definitely heard this from like a lot of the the black kids i went to school and at the time i just remember being like oh wow that's what if that happened but they'd be like oh well we need white slavery now because you know learning about like american slavery people like we got to get back at at whitey and have white slavery did you

got you guys you're looking at me like no one ever said that to you no no no really and i've already been ostracized for really but never you've never heard that okay okay fine um what about uh okay what about when white kids would um find out what bt is black entertainment television and they'd be like oh we need how come there's no white entertainment television you never heard that again i don't know i don't know what little racist this is You never heard that. I don't know what Little Racist You never heard that either? The racist version of Little Rascals. Little Racist

Tonight on Disney. That movie was awesome. I loved that movie. I kind of hate that movie. Really? I remember really liking it. You have a movie I fucking hated. Sandlot.

Oh, well fuck that. Yeah, well fuck that. Yeah, fuck baseball. Yeah, fuck baseball. Fuck sports. Come on. The movie is boring as shit. No wonder we fuck men. Because we hate sports. Because we hate the movie Sandlot. The Sandlot.

Are you dating any girls? You had a girlfriend recently. I am currently dating nobody right now. I have talked to some random... I guess it's quarantine. I mean, like, I basically went on, like, a kind of date thing with one person that I've gone on dates with in Denver recently. Yeah, you talked about that.

Yeah, nothing normally. I'm getting no love. I want a crumb of attention, a crumb of coochie you know i get nothing i amen i still for the life of you dating women is so funny do you remember when we when we met and remember you know what happened the first time i met jock are you talking about when we almost fought over a leah poster which you've since given me there um how's it so in this situation i am at ben's house with his roommate steven and kareem who kareem is ben's recent ex-boyfriend at the time and ben and steven and me are all drunk and they're trying to encourage me to... No, I was asleep. You, Kareem, and Steven were drunk.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. So we're all drunk, and they're trying to encourage me to steal Ben's beloved, sacred Aaliyah poster. Let me say why this Aaliyah poster is sacred and beloved. It's a work of art. Shut up, because when I was cleaning... You stupid whore. When I was a maid, I was cleaning a home.

That is what you would call a move out. It was after a family had moved out of this home and a realtor had moved out of this home. A realtor company had sent us in there to clean it. And when that happened, you could kind of just take whatever belongings were left behind by the family because it's like they moved out. This is basically all just garbage.

And I was in the basement. And this is probably a black family i'm imagining it'd be kind of weird if a white person had this poster um but it was it was an airbrush like thick cardboard it was not like a like some flimsy like poster you'd get at like spencer's or something it was like it was like a nice art print art beautiful art print on like a thick like almost cardboard cardstock and it was an airbrushed picture the whole picture was alia's face in the background and then on top of that where it was alia's silhouette in like four or five different poses with a giant dove coming out of the middle and i love this poster i looked up where it was from because i like google image

reverse searched or whatever because i was like what this is so cool and it was from a website called black art depot.com hell yes yes the poster could not it was out of commission you could not have bought it anywhere else so that's why this poster is so sacred and i was trying to fucking sleep one night and i was in my room and this is in a different house where i was had to live behind a curtain the gay mansion i live behind a curtain and jock and my roommates were upstairs screaming and drunk at like four o'clock in the morning and I woke up and Jacques was like oh my god I'm done taking that poster, that poster is just so beautiful, I can't help

my little southern retard brain from taking that poster dumb back home with me to Louisiana and I walked out of the room and I was like Jacques I was like if you touch that, if you take that I remember saying to you we can go outside which is an insane

thing to say but I threatened to fight you and then I went back to bed and the poster wasn't taken but yeah that's how we met and we never knew that we would become the best of frenemies competing constantly I have good news for you that poster is still available on blackartdepot.com would become the best of frenemies competing. Constantly.

I have good news for you. That poster is still available on blackartdepot.com. It is available on blackartdepot.com. $36 a minute. I'm buying my own bitch. You can have that dusty old fucking Aliyah print. You already gave it to me. Of course I can have it. I don't want it. I'll buy a new one.

Idiot. Hey, y'all. Y'all want to buy this ripped poster for me on eBay? $60. No, no one's going to buy it. Exactly. You're stuck with it. Of course. I'm going to buy out all the new ones.

I'm going to buy every single BlackArtDepot.com Aaliyah poster so you can't have one. You're going to be stuck with the old one. How about that? Typical doomsday reactionary. Stalking. Day guys stalking up for the apocalypse you need to buy all the leopards blackartimo.com yeah yeah i'll make it i'll make it once i start bartering those on christopher and the way that steven and kareem were like no no it's okay go take it

yeah they were they were so evil about it they were like no no no he didn't he didn't want it you know they're like making up lies he didn't he didn't want it so much he hung it up on the wall i knew i should have put it in my bedroom i know i should have put it in my bedroom i remember thinking about that this is fucking like five years ago you can't trust gay criminals because they'll steal everything from you well including your heart

including your heart the worst part they can take you never get that back once they take it can't find that in a pawn shop there's a lot of really good black Jesus art on blackartdepot.com. Yeah, Black Art Depot is really cool. I used to have a really...

Black Jesus with dreadlocks, Black Jesus on the cross. They have a lot of Black Cowboy stuff, too. I used to have a black velvet Black Jesus painting. So cool. That was like three foot by three foot that I got from a Goodwill, and it was beautiful yeah yeah that is a forgotten art form black velvet paintings where you just paint on top of black velvet yeah yeah yeah yeah um do you think jesus was black i mean probably shit why not i think it it it would be every conservative christian racist nightmare

jesus was jesus was in fact either arabic or black he was dark-skinned jewish we can yeah yeah for sure say that yeah i mean have you seen those i mean like of course jesus might have you seen those renderings of of what he would actually look like? I mean, he's like 5'3", or something, which is insane. But have you seen it? He looks like a character from The Sopranos. Like one of the uglier ones. It's just like slightly more

meanderfall. Newark trash. Face melted by years of cigarette smoke. That rendering of Jesus like if you put it in like a velour tracksuit could easily be in the sopranos no questions for sure there's only two kinds of gays in denver there's either like polo shit hey just listen there's only two kinds of gays in denver they're either white polo shirt gays or gays that look like cavemen renditions brought to life. Are those not the same thing?

No, no, totally different. That's also not true. There's subtlety. That's not true. That's not the only two kind of gays in Denver. That's insane. People that look like when they restore what a caveman look, when they find one of the missing links?

Okay, literally, if that were true, I'd still be there, because that's, like, my ideal man. Yeah, you do, like, a rough-looking face. No, it's a caveman. Are you kidding? The caveman. Yeah, yeah. But have you guys seen Pain and Glory, the new Almodovar movie?

No. I've spoken about it before, but, like, there's a guy who looks exactly like that in that movie. He full frontal fucking insane yeah i haven't seen it um i'll look it up what's your plan post-quarantine how's your life gonna change no i don't know how really it's gonna change i mean like maybe i can hope for the best and hope that i get maybe some better jobs but you know i'm comfortable in the place that i'm at right now like i'm not trying to like no i don't mean like what are your life plans i mean like what's the what do you what are you playing after the quarantine i'm gonna go to louisiana

i'm gonna go to la i really want to go tour and DJ. I miss DJing. I miss providing the party. Yeah, this has to suck for DJs. No, it's horrible. It's horrible for all the performers. Have you been going live and playing sets? Not really.

I've seen you do a couple. Just a couple, but I kept having technical difficulties and you know i got someone banging on the door calling me a cocksucker oh yeah yeah you almost died yeah i just don't want to you know i don't want to push it yeah i don't want to you know i'm just trying to basically keep my head down make some whatever money i can during the quarantine and you know just like i want to basically pay for my tour or like tour as a dj as soon as i can We're pressing this morning, no luck for once, I needed it When you have my socks, I don't even talk to you, I don't even prefer to put them on, it's better like that What a cross, every time it's the same I didn't do anything, the bottom has come off

Knee down, cleaning, I'm already ruined for the whole evening Almost an hour late, don't get me angry One last effort, hot, hot, enough to laugh It's not every night that a beautiful girl invites you to dinner Hot, hot, enough to laugh, it's not every night that a beautiful girl invites you to dinner There are beautiful nights, it's not a bad time There are beautiful nights, it's not a bad time Midnight, time to sleep Midnight, time to sleep

I start with a lot of stupid actions I haven't done the full for at least a month At this moment, if I have a solution The revolver or the bombe à neutrons Qu'est-ce que j'ai fait pour mériter tout ça? C'est pas de ma faute A moi si les dieux sont contre nous J'arrive en fin

Bouquet de fleurs à la main J'ai pas d'quoi J'ai l'air avec tout ce que je viens de faire Appel sur le pied Trompe pas de l'escalier Je me tord là Je vis comme si de rien n'était J'en ai marre

Yeah Mais c'est pas le moment de craquer Ok j'y vais Juste avant de sonner J'm'aurais fait une beauté Faut pas hésiter Ça commence à creuser J'ai fait du fait dans mon bain-gâteau Je suis bien dans ma peau Je saute cinq, six fois Ok, I'm going. Just before ringing, I would have made a beauty. Do not hesitate, it starts to grow. I'm doing my bingaloo, I'm in my mouth.

I'm knocking five, six times and the door opens. There are no more good guys, stay quiet. With a good chance of winning. There are no more good guys, stay quiet. Let them do their show Sooner or later Hello Minute Love is quick Minute Love is quick Okay. A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick ambiance, mean A big clack, quick atmosphere, bad cleaners, a bad mood right from the leg, I don't even need to take the elevator, it's really too stupid, I was mistaken to shift.

Let it fall, don't rest, you're not made for young societies. Alone in the night, I'm looking for a bed, I dream of it, at the police station of the neighborhood. Salmon smoked, champagne involuntary, I'm so used to all these dinners. A smell of fresh, solid, and all of paté, but watch out for the right reality. Like Issaia Ducatier Salmon smoked, champagne involuntary I'm so used to all these dinners A smell so solid, of rye and all, of pâté But watch out for the right reality What do I do to deserve all this? It's not my fault, I'm the one who can't see this girl

An hour to wait for a unfortunate person to eat my butter There's no need to say, we eat better at my mother's There are nights when you're a drag Stay touched I love you. Got a tempo show some love Thank you.