Seeking Derangements - SD 110 - Trans Miss Frog Louisiana

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

Probably missed bleeping out a few times they mentioned Jacques' Aunt's name. Oh well. Links: https://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/18/fashion/18nutria.html https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2010/11/bushwick_designers_make_clothe.html https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/rayne-frog-festival https://www.shrimpandpetroleum.org/ https://www.flydenver.com/great_hall/denfiles intro/// Swamp Dogg - The Mind Does the Dancing while the Body Pulls the Strings (1974) outro/// Alfonso Lovo - Sinfonia del Espacio en Do Menor (1976)

The Man Does The Dancing While The Body Pulls The Strain It'll Keep You So Confused you don't know the inner brain You struggle indolently but you're so afraid to go Hello and welcome to a shocking new episode of Seeking Derangements. I'm Jacques Gonsolin and I'm here to declare that I am, in fact, not an alcoholic, but if you were going to call me a drug enthusiast, I could be more okay with this.

Yeah, you're not an alcoholic. Drug addict. You are only allowed to call me a drug addict after I'm dead. From drugs. From drugs. And if I die, shot by the FBI, you know, anthrax

by the CIA, you know, if Biden sexually harasses me to death with his cock, I... Martin Luther King Jr. for bisexuals. Oh, wow. Sounds like Martin Luther King Jr. for bisexuals. Oh, wow. Sounds like a lot of responsibility.

Stop. Don't you fake NB me. The FBI is planting letters that you're gay. Today we have a lot of pressing news and worldly matters to get to, so I think we should just go. This is a jock news episode jock news corner yeah there's jock news jock report so uh let's let's just start off with just a nice news article it's not even okay it's not even sad it's just keanu reeve treats

his friends and team to an all expensesexpenses-paid trip to the Matrix Resurrections premiere. In quotations, it's great to be able to share our experiences and lives together. Okay, so that's some good news from one point of life. That's so beautiful. That's so sweet. Let's move on. I've never seen a Matrix before in my life. It's scary.

It's really scary, the first one. I would have forced you to watch the Matrix. The first one is scary. I don't like fantasy. I forced you to watch The Matrix. I don't like fantasy. I don't like sci-fi. It's so cool. It's so cool. It's so, so cool. It's fake.

It's a real. They're liars. Yeah. They're fake as fuck. When you get your first estrogen injection They make you sign a pledge That you will stand the matrix forever I love it in general

You ask Hessa about Jupiter Ascending And it's like Oh my god it was so good Look Speed Racer is a perfect movie Yeah see what I mean Are those all Wachowski sister movies? They're both trans. They're both trans.

They're not twins. No, I think they're just sisters. You all haven't heard about the trans sibling pact? The trans sibling pact? Yeah, so there's an international pact. Sounds like a UN

accord. Yeah, no, exactly. You took the words out of my mouth. It was an ordinance established by... You're really keyed up today. What's going on? Okay, it's Bing. You missed my train of thought. I missed your train of

thought. The UN. You were talking about the UN. You missed the train of thought what were we talking i missed your train of thought you were talking about the un you missed the train of thought and another one 15 minutes honey and it's okay okay so trans sister oh yeah okay the trans sibling pact is created by the un to ensure that no trans child goes lonely So every sibling of a trans person is actually legally required worldwide to also transition. Should I tell my siblings? I have three siblings. I know. The IMF is going to intervene. It's going to have to suck to break it to them.

El Salvador didn't ratify it, but they have a similar thing where if one brother is gay, then it has to be another brother. They have to kiss their brother. I have a theory. I think a lot of people have noticed this. But like, twins, there's usually a K-1.

Fraternal, identical, doesn't matter. But there is an occurrence, a phenomenon of there always being one gay gay twin that does anyone else notice this it tracks me i know like i know like i know like six sets of twins and they're all one gay two sets of twins mutually to me and ben are both straight one straight brother one straight brother one gay brother, but here's a nice addendum to that. They don't have to act gay. If they're identical, that's how you can tell the one apart

because he's sucking dick. One of them's the top and one of them's the bottom. I mean, honestly, the one who's getting his dick sucked is the straight brother. The one who's sucking is the gay brother. I can think of several experiences where this applies.

Where you've sucked on your brother. No! Is there any incest in your family? No, Ben. I don't know. It's the south. No. Do I look like the hills have eyes? No, but some of your family members do.

Oh, God. I take it back. If any of the Gonsalins are listening, I love you. I went to Jock's family. You didn't even see the... First of all, I have... Okay, you have that one fucked up hand. No, well, I have that one...

Who everyone wants to die. Okay, that's not... We might have to take this out of the record, but... No, no, no, this is fine. No, this is good. Okay, that's fine. We might have to take this out of the record. No, no, no, this is fine. No, this is good. Keep this. It's fine. It's totally fine.

All parties involved. It's all officially okay to talk about. Really? Okay, so Jock has this one fucked up aunt named Aunt Debbie, who I thought was like, we were at this Jock family backyard catered by Poop Hearts, kind of like Cajun excellence. Poop Hearts. I forgot about Poop Hearts.

Let me finish. Jock, let me tell my side of the story first, and then you can intervene, okay? I see this woman, like old crone. I thought she was like a 90, okay? She's under 50. She looks so fucked up okay like i in my i'm like i'm like i'm thinking back

i'm like i have the mental image of like a dementor in the corner of this party okay like the apple and snow white literally okay Like someone who is just this size, like just completely gone. Okay. Just like no thoughts. No thoughts. Just like no consciousness. Like a thousand yard stare. Okay.

Gone. And the way she walked, she's like hobbled around. She's like a jellyfish with eyes. So fucked up. I found out that this woman is 40 and is like jellyfish with eyes like so addicted to pills so so fucked up and everyone in their family like is like waiting for this woman to die because she is such a burden on them it's so fucked up i feel so bad for this one no No, this is such a good start. Let Jacques have his piece. Let me break this down because I know that

family members aren't listening. Thank God. This woman was my uncle's mistress and my old wife. We should bleep her name. No, no, no. Bleep her name, do whatever.

This is a very great story. It has to be told. I know that the daughters of this person, you know, he's been nice to me, whatever. But this is how it just is. This is the story. This is the story. He's a mistress. Stop saying her name.

He's going to be so many bleeps. Stop. It's going to be so many bleeps. Stop. The mistress is succeeded. She has pushed the other mistresses aside. She has caused

a divorce. Top hoe. And she is now a top hoe. Top hoe. She wants 100. No, no. This is before. This is the whole evolution. Just hear me out.

There's a tragic backstory. This is a story that started about 20 years ago. Okay, okay, okay. Let's take this back. She looks like if they made the entire girls out of a pussy flap. Sorry, go on. This is like, oh, God. Okay.

So 20 years ago, this twisted relationship between my uncle and his girlfriend who was not my aunt i i want to say this also very quickly she's not my aunt no one calls her aunt she tries to get people to call her aunt it never stuck i would call her so mean to this woman so the the minute that her and my uncle started dating their alcoholism and drug addiction just flourished and they ran with a group of elite bigots who uh are basically the the mafia of sigamore point louisiana they they run this fishing park of course my mom hangs out with these people all the time because she's in the fishing community and has

a camp down there. Your mom has a fishing house. Okay, so we've been established. Drug addict. We get that part. She's a drug addict, yes. A kindred spirit drug. But no, just you need to qualify what drug. Pill head. She is a pill popping lady. Okay, she's

not doing like meth. Well, no, she's not doing like meth well no she's not doing any street jokes but yeah yeah yeah let me clarify this exactly i was once she's a genteel she's she's you know let me just go through the fucked up actions she's done so before before i even knew she was a drug addict from from my uh from just all of my family talking about her being a drug addict. She once whispered in my ear at a family event. She's like, well, if I feel bad, thank God I have a shoebox full of medicine, which was a shoebox full of prescription pills.

She whispered that in your ear at a family event? Only it gets better from here. Two years later, at the time that there is a Beatles, the band themed Cirque du Soleil show called All You Need Is Love, where the theme song of this show was All You Need Is Love. She approaches me at a Christmas dinner. She's so drunk. She mixes alcohol and pills which is a quintessential and the amount of pills she's mixing with the alcohol and her liver looks like a used condom

it's like a washing machine that you toss a brick into I want to say at this point she still has the vaguest resemblance of being a woman and beauty at this point

she is still very fucked up but she at least for one hour a day could look like a normal woman she walks up to me and I am between 12 to 14 years old and she goes she's whispering in my ear she goes

oh Shaku we just got back from vegas and we just saw that beatles cirque du soleil and she goes all you need is love and then she licks the inside of my ear like a oh so fucked yum yum and you yell at me for asking if there's any incest that's like something from blue velvet yeah yeah no it's it's the phrase is overused but jock's family is very very into this story she walks to the next table which is my 89 year old grandfather and does the same thing to him in front of his wife because she's literally trying to fuck everyone so what do you call being Eskimo brothers but like it's not

cum it's earwax yeah literally five years later it is the 30th anniversary yes I need to hear is the 30th anniversary party of my grand no 60th anniversary 60th anniversary

yes it does of my grandparents uh marriage they have 17 children together so it's a celebration of not only the the relationship but the children so there is a moment at the beginning of the event where it's just supposed to be the 17 children and the two parents photographed. Throws her glass down, smashes it and starts crying and saying, you people never include me. Why can't I be in the picture? No spouses are in this picture. It's like it doesn't make sense so the photographer had to take a picture with my mom's entire immediate family of 17 and this fucking

fucked up bitch could barely squint to get a new picture we'll find one she looks so fucked the photographer walks up to my to my like one of the family members is like don't worry I will photoshop smiles on her broken

face the photographer is literally calling her this woman a our family like our family's like yeah so everyone hates her literally a pixie song so all right let's but no conclusion of the story end of this and then we can get on with our whatever y'all want to talk about the toast begins and it's people going around toasting my grandparents marriage and at what point during the toast debbie just maybe took a little too much and falls face forward into a bowl full of soup why is there soup out i'm sorry why is there a soup out because we're mid-course it's a fancy

course and deal it's a meal what the fuck's wrong with a soup what what the fuck do you have i'm imagining like a big a big pot of gumbo was like strategically placed right next to her you like cock but you don't like soup you're real i love soup i love soup because i'm gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous girls love soup tell them well hassa now she's like frail and like six strokes deep she's had so many strokes really oh my god and she moves like this but she's had to sober up the littlest she can over the last 10 years because her husband fell over backwards slipping and retired early because he's a drug addict but he has bad back problems now oh and so she so so my uncle has had to be her nurse

my uncle believes that the reason that he has to stay with debbie is because god once whispered to Listen. That's so cool. That's what Cthulhu is. Like smothering her. She is a tank. She is a tank. She has survived. Ben, do you remember when me, you and Steven and Kylo were walking in downtown Lafayette pretending to be?

Yes. Steven has an amazing death. Steven is such an incredible actress. So, Jacques, if you were like the aunt the ante in the situation right what what would you want to be called because the aunt is is not gender neutral aunt is not gender neutral and we need to be we need to be very kosher with that i think that i think that my very hip um woke cousins just now call me cousin oh because you're oh whoa whoa whoa you're like the envy cousin that's like when people are like oh no i can say that i have a gay cousin or like you know i can they're like my little cousins are like oh trans people are so annoying and they're like that's really offensive to say and they're like when they're like well if you had my cousin you know exactly that's why well it's like that's why i

can be fat phobic because if i'm fat phobic i'm just like no i have cousins who are like disgusting i can't even look at my cousins are fucking well okay i can say i can say it my cut oh i can oh i'm telling you to put down a cheeseburger i'm not being fat but it's literally fine because my cousin is a fucking wide load my cousin has had three heart attacks from having six cheeseburgers and three bings yeah yeah oh you're the cousin in that okay yeah true that also works for you just to clarify just to clarify if you were uh in that situation where you are fucking your uncle right or or fucking an uncle of a family right you want to be known not as aunt jock or or you know uncle jock or whatever but cousin cousin jock mistress they have to call me

mistress hessa if i'm fucking some guy and i'm at the family but if you're being called cousin jacques it sounds like your uncle is molesting his child that's not like you're diluting the situation first of all oh you're diluting the situation no no i'm i'm i'm really thinking of real problems here that can come up. I think we could invent a new word for a non-binary aunt slash uncle. And I think it should be something that sounds like the R word

mixed with the T word. Do you want to say that word? Yeah. Retrans. Trenarded. No, no, no no that's a trans moron i can't i censored myself until it wasn't funny.

Well, what do two... Okay, so... You're married to someone of the same sex who have kids. Do they call you both mom or do they call you both dad? You have two dads. How do you distinguish? Parents. But as the kid.

Dad one, dad two. Excuse me me parent one I have a question Is parent two gonna die? Hello top Bottom just grounded me For five months Exactly

Can I have some money? When's bottom gonna pick me up from school? You call one dad a slant pig top. And you call the other dad a green hole. An otter bottom. Otter bottom. Pillow princess. Pillow princess.

We've spiraled into this. That's what gay men are doing. Get this on Fox News. That's what gay men are doing get this on Fox News that's what gay men are doing to their kids they're not calling them dad one they're not calling them dad two they're calling them slam pig top and pillow princess we got on this discussion

because there was a Vice article that came out a few days ago on the 10th called why not a Vice article the identity heading on Vice.com is so funny there's so much good stuff i don't like this on vice.com is so funny i don't like so much good stuff i don't like to fuck with vice there's an identity sorry there's like an identity section yeah there's an identity section let me i'm gonna open it up real quick that's so gay is that like where they is that like where they do like lgbtq plus propaganda. One of them was really funny to me. This article, for whatever reason,

was suggested to me and why we were talking about the gender exclusive term. The headline of this Vice article is why we need gender inclusive terms for father and mother. Yeah. Which is so funny to choose father and mother because there's parent and guardian.

Mama, papa. There's literally... Yeah, because it's a legal thing. I feel like Vice is making problems for trans people. Okay, here's some of these articles. She grew up facing transphobia. Then she made history by winning the

Miss Trans Global pageant. Which is really funny to me because it's like, imagine being the first trans woman in history to win the Miss Trans Global pageant. Isn't that just like, doesn't that just mean that you're just the first year of the pageant? It's like a participation ribbon. Like, congratulations, you're a human.

Here's a great one. The horse girl is back. Did it ever really leave? Oh my God, what the fuck are these people talking about? Oh my God. The horse girl is back? What? Are rich people really having more fun than the rest of us a year in the life of a millennial grave digger jock jock when he had to clean the abortion graves look this they're always trying

to just outshine themselves with the most like two they're like okay let's take the two most oppressed situations and combine them they're like let's talk about trans orphan drug addicts that live in the climate change 13 it was like worse like huffing glue in ukraine with a seven-year-old oh yeah like really really really embarrassing vice was able to focus on hamilton's pharmaceuticals until he od'd and died and they have a fake stand-in video is the um the guy who goes to like do scopolamine and he finds like an insane man and he's like the whole video is building up to him doing it and at the at the very end he's like yeah i'm not gonna do it i'm too scared he doesn't do it no he doesn't that's such bullshit he chickens out chicken shit isn't the whole thing with scopamine is people just get drugged

and like yeah you do whatever anyone tells you to do it sounds magic i need that for a jog that sounds like i need jock to be i need a psychiatrist to give you one of those if someone will give me a scopamine i will do an episode on it so that ben can have the kind of yes yes we should we should we should have jock do all of the 2011 edgy Vice stuff. Crocodile. Crocodile, ayahuasca, DMT. Can we have an episode called Fenty Patch? What's the poop one?

Fenty Patch. What's the poop one? Yeah, put a patch of fentanyl on me. What do you mean, what's the poop one? I love that. Oh, it's where you put a poop in a bucket and then put a glove. I think that's Crocodile. No, that's not Crocodile.

Don't you forget that. What the fuck, Asa? You know movies. You don't know drugs. Wait, what is it? What is it? What's a poop drug? You shit in a jar or a bottle, right?

And you leave it in the hot sun for a few days with a balloon tied to the opening. Eventually, you're like huffing methane. You're like huffing methane, but it's like a specific... I genuinely can't remember the name of the drug. The balloon gets full of poop fumes.

Yeah, basically. I'm just so surprised that you confused crocodile... It's jankum. Sorry. I'm just so surprised that you confused crocodile. I'm so confused how you could confuse the poop drug Who the fuck found this out? I think it's a prison drug, right? It's fake.

That's a joke. There's no way that actually gets you high. No, it's not a joke. In high school, my friends and I used to vape weed and sell it to freshmen. And we would call it Afghani poo because it was brown. We would buy it. In high school, I sold a kid in high school sold to me for a dollar a piece.

Vyvanse for one dollar a pill. And I bought as much as I could from him and emptied every single container so it was just powder and i sold it as coke oh jankum is a purported inhalant and hallucinogenic created from uh fermented human waste so it's like uh it's like poop wine yeah that gets you really fucked up in the mid-1990s it was reported to be a popular street drug among zambian children they would reportedly put the feces and urine in a jar or bucket and seal it with a balloon or lid respectively then leave it out to ferment in the sun out yeah they'd inhale the um in november 2007 there was a moral panic at the united states after

widespread reports of jenka becoming popular a popular recreational drug in middle high schools across the country it's so do you remember um beezing yeah yeah it's so beezing like getting beast done guess what guess what beezing with ish drug just guess it's not getting beast done although people do do that cosmetically it's so dumb these be it refers to bert's it refers to bert's bees um uh lipstick and apparently kids are putting it on their um eyelids and being like i'm high yeah and parents were like oh my god we need to shut this shit down okay the effects of the effects of jankum inhalation supposedly last for an hour and consist of auditory and visual hallucinations for some users. This is like when we used to eat nutmeg. Did Oliver do that?

Yeah. I don't think huffing poop is like eating nutmeg. Well, no. You can really trip out on nutmeg. And poop, apparently. Yeah. Jock, would you do jankum? How much would we have to pay for you you do jankum how much would we have to pay for you to do jankum

if I could get 500 or 1000 500 or 1000 really low balling yourself there if you want the 100 dollar tier on patreon you can send us the poop well no I feel like it would have to be your own it would be crazy to do something else yeah it would have to be my own but I'm already so upset about the situation but again it would have to be your own it'd be crazy to do something else yeah i have to be my own but i'm already so upset about the situation but again i am it would have to be a beautiful girl i'll

just say this right now if anyone has okay what if we launched a gofundme non-binary trans need housing style but it's for you um getting paid to do jankum i mean okay i i want to say that i feel like we could think of something gross or like similarly uh degrading for me to do that doesn't have to be this is perfect look i'm just saying i'm uh i'm desperate what's similarly degrading to huffing your own poop that's for you that's that's for you people that's for you people to to think of and then to pay me for. If I started a GoFundMe, let's get Jock to do something fucked up. Jankum.

I'm not doing the Jankum one. The Jankum one is too made up. The Jankum one is too... Well, there's only one way to find out. There's only one way to find out. It's problematic. It's problematic because it's Zambian culture, okay? You can't. Max, can you edit this out

really quickly? This one part? My poops are so disgusting, I could literally not. We're not editing this out. No! This is the deal. This is what I'm trying to say. Let's not describe your poop. No, it's not about the poop. It's not about the damn poop.

If anyone wants to pay, we've said this before, but basically if someone wants to pay me to do something degrading or humiliating, or in general, this is a call for that again. It's called Truth or Dare. We're doing an episode of Truth or Dare. I don't think this is Truth or Dare. No, we will. This is more like being a hooker.

Well, okay, it's hookered, but also in the future we'll be doing an episode is truth or dare. No, we will. This is more like being a hooker. Well, okay. It's hookered, but also in the future we'll be doing an episode of truth or dare. So it's like question or answer, but with truth or dare. Yeah. And you can ask us. Yeah, yeah. And you'll be asking Max the most dares. Oh, God.

But, yeah. Australia continues to get dunked on as U.s and china announce climate pact that's a vice headline love australia getting dunked i cannot wait for china to invade like truly i cannot wait for china to invade the united states when is that gonna i don't think they're gonna something has to happen good okay don't scare it's's not fair because I want it to happen here. I love China so much. I want to go. I have a lot of friends that live in China.

It looks so fun. No, I'm not joking. How many people do you know who live in China? Eight. Eight who all moved from Lafayette, Louisiana to teach English. They all became successful in their own ranks. One of them is on Chinese television now. name is charmika whoa wait she's famous

charmika is famous in china it's gonna be some of the most racist results jock i can see you being like a celebrity in in Japan because they think that you're not human. I don't love that. Yeah, you would love it. I can see you becoming really big in Japan. I think it's more a Japan thing, right? Or did you say Japan? I obviously really want to go to Japan.

Yeah, Japan. Not China. I don't think anyone in China would care about Jock, but I think in Japan they would love him. I want to go to Chengdu, China. Why? What's in Chengdu, China. Why? What's in Chengdu, China? Yeah, I know.

It's the dog capital of China and they respect dogs. You want to eat dog? No, no, no, no. It's not like that. You want to go to the Yulin meat? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the opposite.

They like regard them. Would you eat dog? Okay, well. Would you eat dog? I can't answer. Just would you eat dog? Yes, well Would you eat dog? I can't answer Would you eat dog, yes or no? I can't answer You can't eat like a chihuahua

Because you know it's bad Okay, but okay, like not pitbull, too much muscle I'm trying to think of what dog would be best Basset hound I feel like a basset hound or like golden retriever A retriever or a lab seem tasty Would you eat bird? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You know I would. You know I would. I think about it every day. I've had horse. I've had horse.

No one cares that I've eaten horse. No one even cares that I've eaten horse. I've eaten a nutria rat, so there's no time now. You have not eaten a nutria rat. Yes, I have. What's a nutria rat new gerrits are google it it's not my job to keep you informed it's a literal it's a literal rodent in louisiana that looks it's a giant swamp rat it is a giant swamp rat they are horrifying i i is so cute. I know. They are so disgusting. You have no idea. And I have had rabies tests.

I have not gotten rabies from it. Oh, my God. This is a... What the fuck? If you need to get a rabies test for something you're eating, that is insane. You did not eat this. I ate it. No, the Cajuns eat Nutria rat.

But I ate it. I fucking ate it. Their teeth are so gross. Jock, you need to do a cooking video on how to prepare nutria rat. I didn't cook it. But how would you prepare it? I'm going to look up nutria rat recipes. Does anyone care what I've eaten of gross meat?

Because I've eaten rattlesnake meat out of a can. Whoa. Why? It was the most disgusting thing. Australia moment. It's very Australia my friend's weird uncle gave me some your friend's weird uncle

yeah my friend's weird uncle in high school that's so weird because your friend's weird uncle was the worst meat the weirdest meat I've ever eaten oh my god you ate uncle Paolo oh my god I found a Nutri rat um recipe can i can i just say something also

so if a plane crashes and a dog nutria meat is very high in protein low in fat and actually healthy to eat oh my god so it's like it's a skinny food. High protein low fat. In a stock pot, bring to low boil the Nutria water, vinegar, and salt until it's tender. Nutria water. It sounds like a pyramid scheme. Nutria water. Yeah, Nutria water. Yeah, totally. Chuck, you should start like an unbranded like bottled.

But I put Nutria in the gumbo and they loved it. They loved it. Oh my god, the seasonings. Okay, what are the seasonings? What the fuck is this? Mirepoix? Mirepoix? Mirepoix?

M-I-R-E-P-O-I-X? You've worked in a restaurant. Come on. Clearly Ben has never fucked anyone whose vegetables. Celery, carrots, and onions. I know what this is. Clearly, you've never fucked a chef.

Don't even start with me. I've fucked so many chefs. Stop. Don't even start. Do not even start. I have been saying since day one that every line cook is by because they let you suck them up don't even start with me i'm not i'm not don't even start with me i've been on this tip i have been saying since day that every line cook is bi. You shut the fuck up, bitch.

No, no. Ben doesn't know the difference between. You're a fucking dishwasher. Shut the fuck up. Go back in your little dish pit, bitch. Don't even talk to me. Shut the fuck up. Don't even talk to me.

I've worked in prep cooking. Back of house faggot. Oh, please. I was a waiter, too. I was a waiter at the same restaurant. Stop screaming. Stop screaming. I was a host. There same restaurant. Stop screaming. I was a host.

Stop screaming. I got Ben his job. Stop screaming. Please stop screaming. I'm going to finish reading this new Trader Pod recipe. You wouldn't know the difference between Julia Child and Julia Fox.

Would you shut the fuck up? We didn't really have a lot to talk about today. Make sure to discard any gristle or silver skin. Strain then add rue. You are being so judgmental

to the Cajun culture. Your culture is vile. I hate your culture. Oh, my God. The picture is disgusting. Fuck you. They keep calling it healthy. These people think it's a health food. Heart healthy crock pot nutrius.

The picture is vile. Vile. Stop. Vile. Stop breaking my culture down because you have eyebrows that are smaller than mine. Shut the hell up. That doesn't even make sense.

God. It's so fucked up when you get like this. Oh my God. Nutri- Nutria fettuccine. Disgusting. Shut up, Ben. Stop judging. That's like a marriage of me and Jock's cultures.

Literally. We present the marriage of our cultures. A Cajun, Italian, and Nutria fettuccine for all the guests. Delicious fettuccine with rat in it. And for dessert, cannoli king cake. Oh my God. Stop. Pictures of this thing cooked. Ben, stop. Get over it. Ben, my God. Stop. Pictures of this thing cooked.

All right, Ben, stop. Get over it. Ben, get over it. It's vile. Okay. A website that has similar, like, because Nutri-Rat is a pest in Louisiana. Like, it's invasive, right?

Yeah, they're invasive. You get paid $30 every tail you bring into a wilderness station. Oh, my God. Yes, yes. And there's a huge debate that the meat should be used. And there's a huge debate that the fur should not be wasted. It should be environmentally friendly. and my mom and another 40 year old something woman put together an organization in a fashion show of all nutria fashion fur fashion it was like top hats i'll bring up the pictures right

now in national duty i use a nutria nutria fur show i'm bringing it up right now oh my god that is so iconic oh my god like your spiritual meeting oh my fucking god that's so i'm i'm sway facing that's so fucking sick my mom is incredible she's yeah i do love you i do love you i'm so pissed off right now they i just tried to bring the article up and there's it's like a giant uh advertisement of bob saget's death is covering it like okay who cares i want to see the nutria rat i want to see the nutria rat fucking but yeah but look the fashion show's point was like to not waste the fur and they covered like a top hat and blazers and dresses in nutria fur and that is so funny radius like worstest, worst clothes. And then the real housewives music playing. Yeah, literally.

Literally. Oh my god, it's in the New York Times. Okay, fine. Nutria Rat. A rodent promoted as guilt-free fur. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bushwick Fashion to showcase clothes made from Nutria Rat.

I want to find my mom's name in this. Oh, my God. It's so funny that bitches in Bushwick are wearing rat fur. The Nutria rat fur. They called it Nutria Palooza in Bushwick. We'll feature clothing. Nutria Palooza in Bushwick. We'll feature clothing made from fur of the Nutria rat. I want to find the National Ge. Nutria Palooza and Bushwick will feature clothing

made from fur of the Nutria rat. I want to find the National Geographic article. Oh my god, they did it not going into fucking... National Geographic. I think... I found a very web 2.0 website.

Of a Nutria rat? Yeah, about saving. It's it's called righteousfur.com oh my god I just found an amazing one I really want Ben if there's a Nutri-A-Palooza in Bushwick we have to do a live report we have to do a live report we should fly jock out for

it yes oh god jock is doing his speech to text message shit it's so annoying when he does this it's so annoying when he does this unlistenable i love it this is this is why when jocks um texts come through they come through like um with a bunch of space like enter it's like an entire paragraph like it reads like a ruby car poem because he does speech to text first of all this was back in 2010 don't compare me to that vile miserable bitch and the second okay maybe delete that um wait don't don't compare me to that stupid poet. Oh, Ruby Carr? Yeah, the only poet I want to be compared to is Little Poet.

Star of YouTube and holder of my heart. Okay, let's pull it together. What should we round out on today? Let me bring up my notes. Let me bring up your notes. I was going to say, I found a website that has all these invasive species recipes. There's Asian carp,

snow goose, bullfrog. Bullfrog is so good. Lionfish. I've had frog. Lionfish is an invasive species. They're really beautiful ones. Apparently.

Oh. Jock, next time we're in Louisiana, we have to go get frog legs. Oh, definitely. Let's go to the... You're going to die about this. Really? Let's go to the rain frog festival where there's not only frog legs to eat. I love Louisiana so much.

There's a... Like a fucking dumbass festival for every kind of everything it's so sick there's a miss frog festival pageant where it's like a beauty pageant miss frog wait it gets better it gets better it gets better but they also have to have a frog in their hand the whole time and the frog has to be the best frog too so they're not judging on the women but they're judging on the frog on the frog can i enter into it yeah yeah i should be the first transgender person to win the first trans woman to win miss frog we could have a louisiana that glass that glass ceiling has been shattered.

There's a Weston Peach Festival. There's a Shrimp and Petroleum Festival. There is... What is this? No, there is not a Shrimp and Petroleum Festival. Oh, my God. Wait, I want to go to Crawtism, the crawfish boil for autism. That's not even the most

exciting thing we should go to. There's Brobridge, which is considered the capital. I've been to Bowbridge. Brobridge. I've been to Bowbridge. Bowbridge. I've been. It's considered the crawfish capital of the world,

even though I think the crawfish is better in Lafayette. They have the International Crawfish Festival there. I'm going to move to Louisiana. All these festival names sound like the names of like stores in the lower east side yeah literally yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah bowbridge bowbridge it's like so made well like so like it's like has a has a plus in the name has an ampersand and the 60s i hate those places The crawfish festival would get so wild that people would have sex in their yards.

Because the crawfish made them so horny? Horny. It's an aphrodisiac. They would have sex in their yards. Back in the 60s, they knocked that shit off. They knocked that shit off.

My sister once had a pub crawl where they went to the school bus and they all dressed as different kings and queens of different Louisiana festivals. I literally, like, when I turn 30 and I, like, don't have a real job or anything, I'm just moving to Louisiana. There will be no more New Orleans in 30 years. I know. Well, that's also true. Very, very sad that New Orleans and all of Louisiana will probably just be gone so soon. But it's such a beautiful place

and it's so much fun. I love it so much and I miss it so hard. You need to move back to Louisiana. I really need to because I'm just on the verge of just losing it. Why did you move to move you need to move back to louisiana i really need to because i'm just on the verge of just losing louisiana why did you move to denver in the first denver's so gay denver's so gay ticket to move here i hate denver i i was tired of uh the people jack was canceled no jack was run out jack was literally run out of town like frankenstein okay i wasn't run out of town, like Frankenstein. Okay, I wasn't run out of town. A posse followed him out on horseback. I wasn't run out of town, but I had enemies in Louisiana.

Buffon, Buffon. No, not Buffon. I'm kidding. We're not going to get into Buffon again. Your nemesis. One person hated me enough one time to try to pour their beer on my DJ deck while I was DJing. I had to stand

in front of it and absorb it with my clothes. I went to Denver because it was just a nice change of scenery. I can make fun of Denver all the time, but that's how I met Ben. That's how I met my closest core group of friends outside of my Louisiana.

We love my Denver friends, but Denver as a place is so soulless. I'm from Iowa. I wouldn't- But I moved to Denver when I was like 17. Me and Ben for under a week lived with each other. It's so mouth-head gay. It's terrible. We've shit-talked over a lot.

It's a really soulless, disgusting, horrible place. I stay here because it's just easy to float around and be invisible. No, you stay there because you're addicted to weed. That is not the only reason. That is the reason why you're still there. Because we've talked about you moving to Louisiana. And you're like, I really want to move to Louisiana. I hate Denver so much, but I just can't get waxed there.

You told me that you would move to Louisiana and you would bring a year's supply of wax with you from Colorado. I'm like, okay, addict. A gram of wax in Denver is $13. A gram of wax in Louisiana is $50 to $78.

You don't have to fucking live in Denver. It's not worth it. I will be moving from Denver whenever I am ready to. I know. I support you. I have to use this city what it's meant for, which is to blend in.

Weed addiction. A bunker for the world's richest people to hide out in. Absolutely. You know how expensive it is in Denver? It's like Manhattan prices. I pay $6.50 to live in a closet. I'm not kidding.

I unironically think the Denver airport shit is real. Have you seen that airport? Bitch, I've been in that airport so many times. The airport that has runways arranged in a swastika is evil. You say? I know. I love that it's shaped in a swastika is evil yeah you said yeah i know i love that it's shaped

in a swastika it's insane because it's like mountains all around but like around the airport it's like 20 miles where you can just see anything coming from yeah yeah yeah as far away as possible literally in the middle of nowhere yeah well you you know the thing about the blue horse statue with the red eyes. Yeah, the horse who killed the person who sculpted it. The guy. The art there is really sick, though. I love the murals. There's an apocalypse mural that

depicts the end of indigenous life, the end of all these other cultures, and there's a literal, it's a painting of a soldier. Like, it's a painting of a not like a uh a soldier like like it's like it's like kind of it's kind of fancy like it's very like i cried the first time i saw it out of fear because let me explain it was the first time i had ever been to denver and i was so scared to bring the edibles that i had bought on the plane home. So I ate 1,000 milligrams of edibles at once.

And I had three hours. Oh, my God. This is why Jock is the way he is. That literally happened to my friend, Eric. He got so high last year that he had a mental break and went to the Sierra for three days. I've never had a mental breakdown from like went to the Sierra for three days. So this is so many mental breakdowns. Liar.

No, no, no. Because of weed. Not because of weed. I thought you said I've never had a mental breakdown. I'm like, okay, no,

I have a mental breakdown before and after every episode. And sometimes during. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what were you going to say, Hessa? Sorry. I had too much edible yesterday, or two days ago,

and I was freaking out. Wait, so what's the theory about the Denver airport? Is that it's a bunker for the CIA? It's a bomb shelter for the elite and rich for the apocalypse. One at a time. Let the lady speak. It's a big bunker. If you look at the blueprints there are huge huge bunkers like underneath the airport that have no

purpose there are pictures of them yeah those are built they're there whoa um there's no purpose they just like it's like they started building something else and then we're like never mind we're gonna do the denver airport instead and also the real estate around the airport like near it has been bought by the queen and like shit like that yeah for real oh that's crazy i didn't even know wait the queen owns the area around the around dia yeah She died before having to use it. This bitch is fucking dead. Maybe that's what she is. That's crazy.

There's no official comment on why those bunkers exist or why the queen owns property. Not on paper, technically. They don't exist on paper. There are these voids and like. No, Hesse says they're in the blueprint.

Really? I think so. Damn. Okay, never mind then. Let me see. I think that used to be like some sort of like a military airfield before it was an airport or something like that. Whoa.

It's not even at this point. Like in the 40s. Like not even in the. That was like before Denver was that big anywhere they had like a smaller airport downtown and that was like big enough until like the 70s airport outside of stapleton yeah yeah hess is 100 right though that this whole thing goes back to there is a like in plans. I just found a hilarious document. Let's see. Which was released by the Denver airport.

Which attempts to debunk the rumors about the Denver airport. And it's stuff like, here's the full scoop on Dent's wildest rumors. The New World Order built the airport. Conspiracy. The New World Order and alien execs are having a conference meeting down below. It's going smoothly. Reality. There's a world of underground tunnels beneath you with your luggage carts and golf carts

zipping around while the train to the gates runs parallel. And with the commotion of about a thousand people working down below comes some serious traffic. Yield to the aliens. Like, so you didn't even debunk it. Oh, so annoying. Theyunk it so annoying they're just being they're being epic they're being soy about it yeah the next line is really funny it's i honestly believe denver is like a demonic place yeah literally like it is like the next thing is

um mustang a beautiful statue is cursed i love how they add a beautiful statue. Regardless if the conspiracy... That's so Trumpian. Regardless if the conspiracies are true, the facts are the facts. There's a giant blue... No, there's a giant blue horse that the sculptor was... We just said this. We literally said this.

I heard that the guy was mid-building it, and he turned around. And it fell on him, and it killed him. Well, I heard in one detail that lightning struck behind him, and he turned around. And then in the instant that he turned around to see the lightning, that the structure fell down and crushed him without him seeing it. Whoa. And that the way his body was found proves that. And the weather was really

bad. And the eyes of the horse glow red. You should go to the Denver airport and demand answers. The eyes of the horse glow red. It's so evil looking. You should go chain yourself to the mural or something and demand answers. You should try sucking it off. Yeah, I know. You should go chain yourself to the mural or something and demand answers.

You should try sucking it off. Yeah, try to fuck the horse. Oh, they got rid of that mural. That's too scary. Yeah. Too many gay guys kept crying in front of it. I'm already on the do not rent list for hotels. Do I need to get on the do not fly list?

Hell no. I mean, you're going to be. You're absolutely going to be on the do not rent list for hotels. Do I need to get on the do not fly list? Hell no. I mean, you're going to be. You're absolutely going to be on the do not fly list. One of my friends is on the do not fly list for making a tweet about the Joker movie. It's very easy to get on the do not fly list. He has to get to the airport. It's actually pretty hard considering all the shit that

Jacques has done and he's still not on there. That's random. There's so many people not it's there's so many people on it what are you doing jock um i'm just looking at something so okay um wait all right wait wait last thing about the denver airport so this little tourism thing that they post on their website debunking myths, is also a giant poster in the airport next to the mural. I've seen it in the airport.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's like they're like a PA. It's like they have to go so far out of their way to prove that it's not real. Also, the document does not mention the mural. It totally ignores the mural. There's a lot of things that are just totally ignored. It's sick.

It is very interesting, Jacques. You should go get answers. Yeah. Go do Jencomment at DIA. Yeah. I am not doing Jencomment. And again, if you want to send us, if you want the privilege of sending Jacques the poop,

join our $1,000 tier. Jacques, anything you want to close out on? Any news you want to talk about? Anything you want to get off your chest? I just want a nice day today. I just want to have a nice day after this. Do we have any New Year's resolutions?

Does anyone have any New Year's resolutions? Fuck no. And if you did, you broke them already. I'm going to get the anorexic again. I'm going to go back to being a twink. Same. I'm going to try and do that. That's like always a resolution for me though. I'm reigniting my eating disorder

and becoming incredibly skinny and meth looking. I'm giving up on love and on sex, but simultaneously I'm going to get really hot at the same time. We talked about you becoming ace. Yeah. It's your ace year.

Wait, Hessa, what's yours? Mine is boring. It's I'm going to try and lock everything on Letterboxd more because I always forget to. Everyone keeps saying I need to get one. People would be like, oh my God, your Letterboxd would be insane. Jacques, Predator 2 is so cool.

Oh my God, it's like one of the best. Just the fucking poster alone and like the fact that it's like this jamaican gang versus the voodoo gang yeah it's like the voodoo gang versus these are the aliens that have like dreadlocks yeah exactly so it's like it's like dreadlock versus dreadlock they're hot i would have sex with one of them. Oh, yeah. No. Well, you need to. If their helmet is on, you would. Because below the helmet, it is very scary. Oh.

Yeah. I find the predator to be scarier than the aliens. They're scary. Do you guys remember when all of the major tech platforms were banning Trump? And then Letterboxd chimed in and they're like donald trump is not allowed to use letterboxd and they banned him from letterboxd that's so fun isn't that so funny like it's the shittiest it's just like it's like it's like a bar in bushwick being like donald trump is not welcome at mood ring donald trump cannot come to mood ring

yeah it's like what like i don't care what what Donald Trump has to say about licorice pizza. I know. I know. No, his movie reviews would be so amazing. He would just review like Hocus Pocus, too. He'd be like calling Bette Midler a psychopath again. Calling her a flop. I miss him.

I wanted to watch something normal and wholesome, so I watched Wild Hogs. It was a great Tim Allen. Wait wait this is your trump impression yeah apparently his favorite movie ever is blood sport but he skips all the talking which is so iconic one of the most iconic things you can do yeah dude van damme is so hot. Infinitely hot. Action movies are so cool. He's so hot. He's not 5'10". You can watch every action. I'm 5'10". What the fuck is wrong with that?

No, I'm saying if you Google his height, it tells you Jean-Claude Van Damme is 5'10". He's like 5'7". At most. He's paid Google to have that height. $3 million to have three inches added. He looks so short. All right.

Well, let's wrap up. Y'all have a lovely day. We love you. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. Bye. Bye. ¶¶ ¶¶

¶¶ ¶¶ © transcript Emily Beynon