Seeking Derangements - SD 112 - Goth Chola M&M

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Suggested Reading: M&Ms characters to become more inclusive - thehill.com Senators seek new donor rules for gay and bisexual men - 19thnews.org intro/// Raphael - Dead Sea Scrolls (1972) outro/// Ronnie Keaton - Going Down for the Last Time (1974)

Thank you. My brain is leaking out of my ears. My God. Okay. Is it the sphero? Is it the hormones? Yeah. I mean, I saw the movie. I saw 1517 to Paris, and they said in that,

that if a clear fluid is coming out of your ears, that's spinal fluid. You better not talk sweet on 1517 to Paris. Those guys are hometown heroes. I hate that. That's like one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

I can't believe it's real. I can't believe they made him, they let him make Cry Macho after that movie. I liked Cry Macho. Sorry. Stop it. Sorry, but I liked Cry Macho.

I'm sorry. No. He hides behind a box. He shuffles over and hides behind a box from the cops. That is insane. There's a moment in Cry Macho where he gets hit or he gets beat up. in cry macho where he gets like hit or like he gets like beat up and i'm like oh honey you are like 98 years old like you are you okay i am like concerned because yeah yeah i mean i swear to god there's a scene in that movie where they hit him in the stomach and a lozenge flies out

movie where they hit him in the stomach and a lozenge flies out ben cry macho is the movie by mr clint eastwood the goat um i mean i'm gonna say something that's gonna make you very mad hassa but i don't watch movies especially if the movies especially if they're movies that were made before like the 2000. Well, this movie was made last year, sweetie. Oh, really? Cry, Macho? Cry, Macho. Yeah, like that. Cry, Macho. It's like Hispanic

upside down exclamation points around Cry, Macho. Cry, Macho. Cry, Macho. The font of the title on the poster is is literally bleeding cowboys or whatever the fuck i don't know how you say cry okay you italian You digax. You digax. You digax piece of shit. My digax ass. Digax.

Could you queer any of the other Italian slurs? Guinea. Guinea. Can you take my guinex ass to Newark? Take my guinex ass to Barker. Take my goombax. Goomba. Goombax.

Goombax. I actually do love goombax.'s really good wappa no wxp yeah wxp well wop is without papers yeah i feel like wop at this point is like barely for anyone yeah it's just for an image it's from wapo which is which is no wap is from without papers wap stands for without papers really yeah it's what they put on people's paperwork in it's what they put on their shit at like ellis island and shit i i lost it or i left it ah fuck you left it in the next to the toothbrush we found we found out that barry barry brandon the walking gay is also italian yes is he really queen hasa and i are fresh off our interview with barry everyone yeah

it was a wonderful interview to that it's this gay it's this other show hasa and i do you've probably seen us post it on this gay ass fucking peter teal ass yeah this peter teal app but you can find it um yeah just look at our socials you'll see it it's up it's a wonderful fresh off the fucking mike with barry which i'm telling you also jock's absence is due to the fact that if we talked about barry jock would again threaten his life it's in his contract so yeah jock cannot be present on this episode because he would literally be trying telling us that we needed to kill Barry. We interviewed Barry with Dory and Electra was also

Oh God, no. No. Jock has never listened to our podcast once. Oh God. No chance of listening to this. It's part of their process. It's part of my process. I'm listening to the podcast. It's like, you're just lazy. No, that's true.

You're just lazy, bitch. You just don't want to do it. No. I mean, sometimes I don't listen. I don't listen, but I'm not like, I won't listen. You know? I will. I will to whatever.

Anyways. I actually refuse. Barry, the interview was iconic. Max, we got Barry. Hessa masterfully got Barry to say that he would do a walking video with um none other than hitler himself who wouldn't who wouldn't and the question the way hessa phrased okay we need to put this in context because i'm because earlier i asked barry what is your ideal lineup for a walking video and And he answered. And it was a great lineup.

It was George Michael. Just go listen to the show. Let's not give away anything. But then Hesu was like, okay, as a little redux on this question. I hope he said Martin Luther King Jr. as well. Who would you? No, because he couldn't.

It wasn't. Listen, the question was, who would you walk? Of all the greatest walkers of all time. True. I mean, come on. Not Rosa Parks. That bitch just sat. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. She could just sit there. What'd she do? Sit? So, Hessa asked, who would you have in a walking video if by virtue of having them in the walking video they realized gay people are good they stopped being homophobic

you understand the parameters of that question Hitler instantly he was like Hitler he dropped a Hitler there was a millisecond between the question and the answer perfect the way that question is set up is like you know kind of curvy kind of like back like you know yeah yeah he completely understood it yeah hitler i i love

that was no i lost he had such a better sense of humor than i thought like i told you i told it was iconic him saying that he'd be in a video with Hitler to make Hitler stop being homophobic is truly, like, genius. Yeah. And I think it would work, honestly. If it's a line where it's, like, Barry, Hitler, Andrew Jackson,

Ronald Reagan. He also said Kim Jong-il. Or Kim Jong-un. which i love that he's like anti-north korea it's like iconic beautiful um beautiful um of course putin putin as well putin as well and then like a hung a hungarian politician he did not name one he just said like and a hungarian yeah because i also couldn't remember the president of hungary i don't know a Hungarian politician. Yeah, because I also couldn't remember the president of Hungary's name. I don't know. It's Victor

Orban, but they have a few good ones. They have the one that was like a young Catholic monarchist, like neo-monarchist who wanted to bring the Habsburgs back or whatever. He was recently jailed. Oh, that beautiful thread. Yeah.

Was that a real politician? Was that an actual Hungarianarian politician or is that just i am pretty sure because someone posted a link later on in the thread about like a local like not not like the hungarian the onion making a lot of the situation like a real local uh news organization being like uh such and such you know local councilman from because that's like that's one of my favorite threads that i've ever seen on the internet which is this thread it's okay ben there's a thread where a guy is like okay first of all i'm so right wing and i'm so so anti-gay and i'm so homophobic and then it's like a gif of ryan gosling in a movie and then it's like one out

of question mark and then the thread continues and it's like, I mean, it is my, my strength was tested and I failed. And like, it's like a million other, like, and it basically goes on to be like,

I had sex with like a twink and also, and then it ends with like, and in every single thing in the thread, there is a new gif of Ryan Gosling in a different movie. That's hot. But he is also like, and also the twink was very underage. He's like, I had sex with a child. Yeah.

No, and he's like, and then he's like, and also the police are like closing in on my location. like and also the police are like closing in on my location well you don't even you have i'm just gonna be honest some of the loosed parameters when it comes to defining what it is loose okay some of the loose parameters calling my pussy loose denigrating what it means to be oh my god okay has to send me a pic who was he sent me a picture and he's like oh he's a twink okay has to send me a pic who was he sent me a picture of and he's like oh he's a twink dan dale cooper dan cooper oh kyle mclaughlin young kyle mclaughlin twin peaks that is a twink my friend that is a twink one million percent no just because he has a defined chin yeah you don't think yeah and add some meat on his bones i'm sorry we don't know what he does this is a blue velvet kyle mclaugh. So this is a thin man.

No, you have to be emaciated. You are preferably blonde. Okay. No. Darker. That is so racial. Darker. Darker.

You're already on the chopping block for not being considered a twink. That is so racial. That is so. I can't even tell you that. Twink is a racial term. Sorry to break it to you. We need to get you in that line with Hitler. With Reagan.

Me duck walking with Barry, Hitler, Andrew Jackson, Ronald Reagan. I think it's duck stepping, actually. I think it's goose stepping. Duck stepping is like a dance in Baltimore or something. Duck stepping is what Varg 2 makes. Duck stepping is what I got made fun of for in high school in track. Oh, if you point it out? Yeah, if you point it out.

Wait, were you a track star? I was a cross-country runner, and I ran an entire season. I came in like... So did it ever occur to you to ask yourself what you were running away from well listen okay oh we forgot to ask that question fuck yeah yeah no I was running away from being trans we all know that but I we forgot to ask I wanted to ask Barry Max what are you walking away sory you're always walking but have you ever stopped to consider what you're walking away from yeah that was such a and i that is so fucking stupid my idea max was before that question to be like in hans christian anderson's fairy tale of the red shoes. A young girl puts on a magic pair of shoes and

she dances, but she finds herself unable to stop until she has to cut her own feet off. I thought that would be a great like... Isn't that a Saw skit? A Saw skit?

Yeah, Saw, the great sketch comedy show that we all love. Saw. Okay, Saw is filmed like a sketch comedy, though. No, yeah, especially the last couple movies. And once they get self-aware with it, it becomes amazing. It's not fun. I hate when horror movies like that become self-aware. No, it's the way to go.

What about Scream, Ben? Are you mad about Scream? I have never seen Scream. I'm telling you, I've seen maybe like 10 movies my whole life. What are they? Let's list them. All Michael Haneke's movies. Wait, why?

Because I love his movies. That's so random. I know you haven't seen Film Bro. I love Hanekeuki i have not seen the white ribbon i was about to say have you seen cache i love cache okay so you do you have seen okay i it's difficult for me so i can't just my attention span is so shot yeah i'm gonna show ben the matrix i actually no no you're gonna break his little mind no i i made ben promise no you did i will kill myself if you don't watch the matrix with me no i did not okay i got charlie to sign it off i just sign off i'm not even like

a charlie xex stan you were literally being homophobic in that moment. No. Oh, this faggot probably likes Charlie XCX. I can't be homophobic. Yes, you can. Because I'm a level beyond gay. Okay. I've transcended. You gave up being gay, which is one of the most homophobic things you could do, Hessa. I did not, actually.

I have lesbian sexual relations all the time. That's bi. No. Why? Because you're bisexual. That is true. Lesbians are bi. No. I'm Because you're bisexual. That is true. Lesbians are bi. No, I'm not bisexual.

I don't identify that way. Yes, literally last episode. Roll the fucking tape. You said I'm bisexual. I don't know. Oh, wait, you changed. You changed. So now you owe us a coming out as lesbian, which I'd like to see you come out.

Yeah, I'm lesbian. What up? Why are you saying it's because my last girlfriend what up why are you saying okay because my last girlfriend was trans are you saying trans women aren't real women ben yeah wow so i am gay because i have sex with mine all the time exactly faggot so i so if i if my last girlfriend was trans and this is too much this is i also trans. That's two men. This is why we hired Jacques. With Jacques it's a lot easier.

Yeah, it's the moment in... Just ignore it. The moment in The Hangover where I'm not saying that it's actually easier. I'm just saying it's easier to deal with because with Jacques you could just steamroll over their pronouns. No problem. What are you saying about the hangover? Yeah, the moment in the hangover

where Zach Galifianakis is like, all the numbers are floating around his head and he's doing math. Did you all see that they're making the M&Ms queer? Did you see this? Did you hear about this? I didn't hear about that. They're making the green M&M. Did you hear about this? They're making her Latino. Did you hear about this? I didn't hear about that. They're making the green M&M.

Did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? They're making her Latina. Did you hear about this? Can you imagine? It would be if they're like, oh, we're making the M&Ms more inclusive and the brown Latina,

they make her shape like a bean and give her hoop earrings. They put a rice patty out on the yellow M&M. Literally, they make them so racist. I want to go through the M&M's. They're giving her a tiger blanket and Lady of Guadalupe

tattoo. She has a kid in her arms. It's like a infant. They're giving the Latina M&M a purse and inside of it is full of fully cooked corn ears. Yeah. It's like an infant with an ear piercing. Yeah.

Hang on. I'm going to go to the restroom. I'm going to be real quick. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, it's fine. i'm back okay let's let's let's talk about theMs. But first, Max, can you please do me a favor and cut out the part where I say I'm trans? No. Because I want to be able to trick cis men.

No. And having that in the pod is very... You were constantly posting about being trans. I'm kidding. Okay. I was making a joke. Come on. I was like a joke. Come on. I was like, no.

Are you kidding? Well, Hesa wanted me to cut out a part where I said Lisa Barlow looks like a snake. She does. She does. Well, because you said Lisa looks like a snake, but Meredith doesn't. And they have the same face. No, Meredith looks like an eel. I'm not getting back into this.

Okay, which is different from a snake. Okay. I similar i'm very slimy very nasty though i simply will not get into this okay um let's go back into the cast of characters at the m&m corporation and not talk about hassa calling me anti-semitic because i said lisa barlow looks like a snake which she does anyways okay let's talk about how we would let's talk about how we would queer each eminem okay eminem number one which one the red eminem eminem number one is the orange eminem orange eminem let's cut that cock off they are the shortest of the bunch. They are the most rotund. Some are kind of... Transmasc. Like the yellow M&M is shaped like a...

That's cool. That is so cruel. Well, he's... Honestly, this is... What? Why is that cruel? The orange M&M is perfectly circular and shorter.

So what do we do with his gender? Their gender. Transmasc. Transmasc. Peter Griffin with fishnets. So we're giving the orange M&M. How would we make him look trans mask? We honestly just make him

look like me. Beard. Yeah. No. We make the orange M&M look like me. I look transmasc. My mustache is so three months on TV.

I have a woman's eyes and a 13-year-old boy's mustache. Transmasc. We're turning the orange Eminem into Ben Mora. Transmasc Ben M're turning the orange M&M into Ben Mora. Transmasc Ben Mora. Chase Mora.

Transmasc men are obsessed with having names like Blunt Force Trauma. Rider, Chase. Grunge. Not grunge. Okay.

Let me see. Dick. Towel. No. Bolt. Rag. No, you guys are going to they, them with it. You guys are going way to them.

That's true. Yeah, Hunter is Grunge. They, them is more like adjective noun. True. They, them is more like bro, frat, bro names. Yeah, it's like people who are in Skull and Bones. Yeah, yeah. My name's Oil.

I've been on T for six months. Yeah, Skull and Bones. I love my hairy pussy and the hair between my taint. It's great. We've got Transmask Hunter Orange M&M. Next up, Red M&M.

A little bit taller than Orange M&M. Besides that, still shorter than the rest. Normal, white, gay. This is a they-them who doesn't do anything to change their appearance okay no no no we we need we need representation i think we need one normal uh normal guy die but homosexual but it has to be the red one i mean the red one circumcised if we're thinking further down the line, we've got the green Eminem, which woman. Brown Eminem

is also a woman. I can say this because they're both wearing heels. Blue Eminem is the tallest of the group. He's clearly... And he's got to be some sort of freak. Blue Eminem is standing between green and brown Eminem, the two ladies, and he's giving a look.

He's giving a kind of suggestive look, which means he's the Chad. He's fucking of them you can he's a cholo i think i think the blue eminem i think the blue eminem is the trans woman you know no i think brown eminem should be the trans woman no brown eminem is the latina green M&M is the trans woman. Green M&M? The thing about Green M&M is that they're changing her to have sneakers. And her description says she's a hype woman. No. Yeah. And so I think Green M&M is a she-they.

Green M&M is a she-they. Okay, fine. But she's a she-they who does not have sex with anyone besides cis men yeah and cancels everyone and cancels everyone yeah yeah totally but can't she be latina at least no yeah she can be there can be oh so there can only be one yes there's only this this town green eminem is white i'm not talking like specifically latina to the grocery store and I see a Latina, I go up to her and I'm like,

this grocery store is only big enough for one of us, bitch. Like Highlander, you take out a Claymore and you cut off their head. You swing and you just chop their head off. I'm jealous of her. I can be the only Latina in this key foods. That's why in, in church, Latinas and Latinos are always eyeing each other

because as if you've seen the movie Highlander, you know that Highlanders cannot fight in sacred spaces. I don't know. So a church is neutral ground. Yes. Yes. I have no clue what I'm talking about. Spanish mass is always so so stressful and like

the line to to the churros like that's within the the boundaries of the sacred space outside mass and also at my church aledia de guadalupe we only had we only had tamale ladies oh we had a churro guy that was awesome okay he got deported though that's honestly oh no i'm pretty sure he got deported i have you seen highlander max i have seen highlander two but not one okay highlander highlander one i mean so you've seen sean connery because he oh yeah is in and because sean connery's character in highlander which is a movie about a scottish warrior who lives forever i just got an instagram unsent message i think it's from barry sorry i just oh my god oh my god but basically in highlander sean connery with his accent plays a character named like Juan Dominguez de Guadalupe

Rodriguez. I am Latino. Can I please have a Guadalupe, por favor? My name is Juan Rodrigo Dominguez from Spain. Here in Santander

you have a lot of ships coming in from England or whatever. So like during the summer you'll hear a lot of ships coming in from England or whatever. So during the summer, you'll hear a lot of that going on in the shops. Can I have, por favor, one café largo, please? One café largo, please, if you don't mind. One of my favorite dumb... Max, you could fuck him. Yeah, he's in Barcelona right now.

Barcelona. On my way on one of my tickets now vicky cristina barcelona that's i do think we need to get that going as christina barcelona i feel like her all the time i've never seen it i'm vicking christina barcelona um i do think i think that a fun bit that I always do to myself that I think is funny and no one else does is like Sean Connery

meeting a Bond girl whose name is Gash Jones and being like no way that's your real name no fucking way and like demanding to see like an ID you're telling me your name is Gash Jones? Absolutely not.

I don't fucking believe you for even a second. Oh my god. Okay, now Christian Walker. This is quite a good forgery. Christian Walker is now on the M&M's. This can't possibly. Oh my god, yes. Oh my god, yes. Is it because he added him in the replies? I added him in the

replies. I'm constantly adding Christian in the most retarded culture warship because I'm like, he needs to comment. I'm trying. You need to stop doing that, dude. He's going to fuck you eventually. You don't want that. I love that. I'm trying to... Oh my god.

On the stream yesterday with Felix and Hasan, Christian literally was just talking about how thirsty he is for um arab and muslim men i'm not kidding no i love that i love that for him i relate about he was he called muhammad bin salman hot which is true mbs is a thotty i will say that he is kind of a hottie have Have you guys ever had sex with an Arab man? You're telling me Mohammed bin Salman is hot.

No, no, no. You guys haven't? He's too fat. I have. I have and he threw up on my couch. He threw up on my couch after. You've had sex with Mohammed bin Salman? With an Arab man and he threw up on my couch and he also was like, just so you know, I'm straight, so I don't think we should talk anymore after so you're being racist and

I was like honey you're as gay as the day is long I can tell you anyway I wanted I want I literally need to know what Christians I'm Christian is gonna say that like making the green Eminem wear sneakers is an attack on western civilization and i agree and he's he's completely right i love him it's so fucking funny god my favorite tweet was jingle ghost um on twitter said um that they were gonna redo the commercial where the eminems meet santa and santa like, they do exist, but instead Santa says, they-thems do exist. God.

Beautiful. So good. It's so funny. Goddamn. Just stealing someone's tweet. Just reading someone else's tweet on the pod. It's free content. I feel kind of zapped from the Barry interview.

Oh my god, same. You're telling me your name is Gash Jones? No fucking way. You're telling me your name is Claire Penis? Get the fuck out of my face. Your parents named you that? Your last name is Claire Penis. Get the fuck out of my face. Your parents named you that. Your last name is Penis? You're going to have to see

what kind of hardware you're working with before I, you know, take you. Before I take you. To understand, I might have to dispatch you. Wait, they should change the M&M name to

M-T... Wait, yeah. MTF. MTF. It's the official candy of trans regret. They should change it to M&M. MTFTM. Male to female to male.

MTFTM. It's an article. Every time you detransition, you get a coupon for one free article in the Atlantic. You get to write an article. They should have an M&M.

The yellow M&M should be... The yellow M&M should be a detransitioned trans woman. There should be a gender-critical M&M should be a detransitioned trans woman. There should be a gender-critical M&M. Who's the gender-critical M&M? Which is the M&M with glasses. That one's gender-critical.

The brown, the Latina. She's taking for Latinos. Sorry. Okay. She can be a Latina and gender-critical. Her Latina transformation, she's losing the glasses. She's keeping the heels. She's getting the glasses. She's keeping the heels. She's getting a purse

and she's getting Chola eyeliner, Chola eyebrows. Okay. This is because I don't know. I feel like Latina women are way, way less likely to be

Latina women. You can just say Latinas. I feel like Latinas are much less likely to be... Latina women. Yeah. Latina. You can just say Latinas, sis. I feel like Latinas are much less likely to be gender critical than... Why? It's usually... Elaborate. Well, because it's usually women who, if they were trans, they would be bricks.

No. And Latina women are usually always very made up very beautiful and no also they have you seen edgar's have you seen edgar's come on edgar's edgar edgar is a intercommunity term for a latina early sorry latino with the um kind of mini turf bangs like like Latino guys who get a really, really tight fade and then have their hair combed forward and then cut where your hairline would be. Does this make sense to you? Yeah, I can picture it.

It's a really hot hairstyle. I love Edgar's. You should get it. No, I've had an Edgar cut before. I looked insane. Ben doesn't have the hair for it it's a little too curly to pull it off it needs to be like really straight hair

but my hair is really you get waves to it when I was a senior my hair is really short I can comb it forward and then I cut it I've had an Edgar haircut I'll send you a picture I looked fucked up I had a dream the other night

where i shaved my head and it looked horrible you should wear a wig i i have gone to wig shops there was a wig shop near my apartment when i lived in um boston when i lived in roxbury and it was like in it was living in roxbury next to a wig store like fucking Wes Anderson yeah well okay so clearly you don't know where Roxbury is or what it is absolutely no clue but the store that the wig store was in

looked like a like it looked like it was about to fall down like it was an ancient building that looked extremely ornate but it looked like it was about to fall down like it was an ancient building that looked extremely ornate but it looked like it was condemned but there was a wig store inside and i like if you walked in it was like there were like five wig stores on the block it's like a beautiful beautiful little walk it's it's the wig district of Boston basically. Yeah. Okay. And I

walked, I went in and I just loved looking at the wigs and trying them on. And they were all wonderful. Can you ever imagine I've been watching like, have you seen World at War Hesso?

The Call of Duty game? No, game no no no it's like a a documentary from the 70s about world war ii they have like no i haven't like actual like generals from both sides it's it's it's a weird like uh like documentary because you don't accept yeah you don't expect like all these participants like to to have lived through it to still be alive back when it was made, I guess. But anyway, the point is, there were wig shortages, apparently. Because they were rationing their wigs for the soldiers. Yeah. All the soldiers needed things.

It's like how they don't eat sugar during a war time. It was because of the glue, I think, or something like that. But you couldn't make a wig in the States, I guess. No, it's because the soldiers needed their sew-ins. Also, yeah. You need to look that well. Yeah, the heels on people's shoes needed to be wood instead of polyurethane because the soldiers needed it.

Because the soldiers needed the heels to storm the beaches at Normandy. Yeah, they had stormed those beaches, honey. They stormed the beaches, babe. They stormed. Oh my god.

I'm going to start losing my mind. you imagine if barry walked off one of those amphibious like landing craft literally with his crew of gays like all the germans surrender immediately before him they get to normandy and they're in one of those like big like shipping containers with the door that vaults down into a ramp and it slowly goes down and then you see barry in high heels and all the other soldiers in high heels. And they're standing there in perfect, like, in sync and a perfect line. And they have wigs on. And the door slowly comes down.

There's a camera crew right in front of them, by the way. And then they start marching down the ramp. And all of the German soldiers start screaming. No, what I'm picturing is in Saving Private Ryan when that soldier just casually walks up to his arm and picks it up and tucks it under his other arm. And it's that, but strutting up to your severed arm and picking it up and starting to vote with one hand.

Your arm is gone and you're just moving it with your arm like it's a baton or something. Literally, you dodge bullets Matrix style by doing a death drop. There's a mortar that's coming right for your head

and you do a death drop and it hits you in the chest when you hit the ground. That's why they banned gay soldiers. They had to ban gay soldiers in the 40s because too many of them were voguing on the beaches of

Norfolk. No, it's because they were too strong, dude. They were so bulletproof, right? They violated the League of Nations, whatever. They violated the Geneva Convention. What they did to gay men during that time is they rounded them up and they did experiments. They put them in Tama Finland cartoons and shit.

It's really awful. They rounded them up and tried to derive their gayness and put it into a bomb to make the gay bomb. Yeah, like in 30 Rock. You're describing a 30 Rock side plot. Really? Yeah. It's a great subplot. I love 30 Rock. It's so funny. It's such a good show.

It's wonderful. Paris and I have talked about this. Someone told me recently because I was talking about a month ago, two months ago, I was re-watching all of 30 Rock because it truly is like so funny and i told someone this and they were like yeah it is really funny but like tracy morgan it's like a minstrel character like one of the last minstrel characters what are you talking about and i was like i was like no like tracy morgan tracy morgan is a black man first sorry tracy jordan i mean the character

not tracy morgan yeah south but the character which like look i can i'm like a little sympathetic to that idea i guess but like 30 rock as a product this it's like corny to say like equal opportunity offender but like everyone the joke is on liz lemon clear yes liz lemon is the mrs white 30 rock is the villain so well liz lemon is the villain she is like the penultimate girl boss before that was even a term this is a liberal white woman who's 35 single cannot hold down a man her only thing that she has to live for is a job that she hates she's literally a middle manager who's friends with the boss constantly with the boss literally the point satire of white women more than is anyone else yeah the point of every episode is that she sucks like literally like the point there's one episode where um they're

rationing flu vaccines during flu season and the whole crew is like um liz lemon like you like thanks for not getting a vaccine to stand in solidarity oh my god the crew on your show and she's like yeah and then she gets it in secret because she finds out that she could go on vacation like the whole episode is about her trying to hide that she got a flu shot and like pretending to be an ally to all her like all of her all of her like working class like racially diverse like yeah man it's incredible the show is so funny and like it had a critique of like what now is kind of hack material you know girl boss like blah blah blah stuff like it was doing that before it was even you know, girl boss, like, blah, blah, blah stuff. Like, it was doing that before it was even, you know, an easy joke to make.

Yeah, and also before it was even fashionable to be, like, a girl boss. Before the term girl boss. And yeah, before there was even... It anticipated that kind of trend, for sure. And the jokes are all so fucking good. So well written. The caliber, it's like a joke a second first of all and every single

joke is like and it doesn't do that annoying thing that tv shows did during that era that like scrubs and even like the office did where it was like by the end of the episode it was like um actually let's get serious for a minute you know know? Because, like, I think in my mind. There was no lesson. There was no preaching. Yeah. Yeah. In my mind, Scrubs is probably.

I never watch Scrubs. I hate Zach Braff's face. I can't look at Zach Braff's face. It's disgusting to me. Zach Braff looks like he is so circumcised he had to go to, like, a special circumcision school for circumcised boys only. It took four dollars. He had to go to a special circumcision school for circumcised boys only. It took four doctors. He had to go to rehab. It took four circumcision doctors.

He had to go to physical therapy because of his circumcision. He looks upsettingly circumcised. I know. He is odious looking. Disgusting. Disgusting. Scary. The thing about, and I've tweeted this before, I feel like,

but the thing about Scrubs to me this before i feel like but the thing about scrubs to me is that it's a show about um it's a comedy about working in a hospital and every single episode ends with a voiceover monologue and a sad song and the crux of the voiceover monologue is always but in all seriousness there's nothing funny about a hospital did not watch that show for a good reason yeah but even like from that era arrested development hasn't really held up when you oh no i disagree it's a little twee no it's still it's still very very very funny but like 30 Rock. Parks and Rec is also like hate. Oh, Parks and Rec has aged horribly.

It's the thing about Parks and Rec that I love. It's truly offensive to me that they're throwing that shit out there. No, I mean, the thing about Parks and Rec that I love is you can tell the joke. They had one writer in the writer's room who was like incredibly funny and it's harris whittles and like you can always tell the jokes that he wrote because it's like very like they're the actual good like kind of edgy jokes and then like all the other jokes are terrible it's like i hate that show so much i despise that show yeah and like I remember one of the like scariest realizations

you can have of another person is to realize that they're like still to this day like fully office pilled yeah like meeting someone and then they're like making references like to the office does that ever happen to you it happened to me all

the time when i lived in denver which is also granted like four four years ago um but it was just like would immediately put me off from someone it would like it would like physically scare me to be like oh my god you're like an office stand at like 24 it's starting to happen here where it's like it's even more pathetic when it's someone that's younger than that, you know? Cause you see like over here. It's because this wasn't something you watched when you were teens and Spanish people love, love Spanish people are very epic style.

Very. No, I, yeah, they are very nine gag people. I'll give you that. Ben, my realization,

that's why it's even worse. Cause now it's nine gagified, you know? Yeah. So now it's, it's garbled in like their own kind of way and it's even more annoying they find a way to make it like worse the office levels of annoying in spanish as well and it is hell i um my equivalent of that was um i was in this bar and um this like um older than me but not like old like maybe like mid like early 30s like white woman that i met at a bar who was like hammered we started talking about vanderpump rules and she was like oh my god i we were talking about how much we love it how much like we love the show how funny

it is and like she started showing me like pictures from her at like bravo con or something and she was like oh my god and she started being like i actually met like lala and she is so down to earth and so cool and she actually told me that she could tell i was cool and i was like okay so you actually think that these are cool women. You think these are cool people and not like you aren't laughing at them because they're like ridiculous. Holy moly. And that was like a huge revelation for me of being like, okay, so there are like women who see like you know um kristen and they're like okay this is a woman that i want to emulate or like like jacks and they're like this is the ideal man for me honestly

i feel that way yeah i want to be i mean i i want to be sheena she Sheena is besides the racism. Yeah. Well, I mean, come on. You have to take a little. I mean, cause Sheena like tried to get. If you want that ability to perform, it's going to come with a little bit of racism. So the thing about Sheena and Kristen is that like the racist thing that they did was like horrible. Like they tried to get their coworker killed by the LAPD,

like they tried to get their co-worker killed by the lapd which is the most insane thing i've ever incredibly evil yeah it's like okay i think they kind of had a point in firing them from the show like i honestly um but yeah i i think another example of that that i think many more people have encountered um is uh like when people watch uh lifetime movies for the plot have you ever met someone oh yeah i love like no no but like breathlessly'll repeat to you like at least five movies worth of plot. That's just like from several of these that they've watched. I mean, first of all,

Lifetime movies, they all have the same, or no, I'm thinking of Hallmark movies. Hallmark movies are all the same plot and it's a career woman goes to a small town

where Christmas is the main thing of the town and then she... But then also, but then also, also, there's a lot of murder happening. Somewhere in British Columbia. But then also, there's a lot of murder happening.

Oh, in Lifetime movies. Not in Hallmark movies. No, not in Hallmark movies. Hallmark movies are called The Meeting of the Bells or something. Lifetime movies are just Hallmark movies if someone is getting stalked. I saw an incredible Hallmark movie or an incredible Lifetime movie about a cheerleader that gets like murdered. And it was like one of the best movies I've ever seen.

I'm trying to think of what it was called. I'm sure it's seven of them. It was probably, yeah, like Death of a Cheerleader or something. It was like Bella Thorne was in it. I remember. Oh, no way. I remember this. I remember this. remember this i remember this

yes oh my god i watch this this is the kind of movie i can watch i love watching just like retarded ass movies oh no lifetime movies rock like yeah straight up and like also there are people that will be in a lifetime movie dream job is writing one of those writing for one of those. Oh, my God. Writing for a soap opera. Writing Lifetime movies. Being in those writing pools. It would be so fun. Because, you know, like, those are writing pools where you can stay for, like, 20, 30 years. And, like, get seniority. Like, retire with a fucking solid ass, fat ass pension.

I mean, not even the financials. Like, the actual work would be so fun. Oh, my God. It would be so fun. I mean, let me see cigarettes indoors all day in a fucking like uh neo-modern uh like office building in like midtown manhattan wait for like six hours a day okay we should get to um queer tv tv characters you didn't know were queer oh um yeah my this them article that i found that's called um yeah sorry um let me read it it's these iconic i haven't read it let's okay let's round

the episode out on that okay absolutely um so this this article is on them.com which is my favorite website ever um or them.us sorry for calling it them.com for misgendering it. Them's address is them.us. Like US? Yeah, them.us. Why? I think it's a reference to the Pink Floyd song, Us and Them, probably. No, I'm kidding. I was going to say, what?

It's because them.com is taken. It's vaguely more queer. Yeah, because they're queer they're queering hsgp codes or whatever there's us and then there's them you know oh my god as hospitals face short okay just the the oh my god oh my god yeah no it's incredible let me get into it let me blood shortage senators seek new donor rules for gay and bisexual men. The whole the stink gay men make about not being able to donate blood is one of the most annoying things. Because you can just say, I'm not gay and still donate the blood. If it's something you're going to do to be virtuous, you don't make a fucking stink out of it.

Because you know all you need to do to give the blood which is the reason to do it is to say i'm not gay but the amount of gay men who like fucking twirl up a fucking shit storm because they have to tell the blood donation doctor that they're gay and then i mean i used to be like on the other side of it in on the other hand it doesn't really matter no it shouldn't it's yeah first of all they test it for hiv anyways they test the blood you give for hiv no i understand why it's all homophobic and bad but men just lie in that case individualize this problem in one of the most attention-seeking, victim-hoarding, like, just the most annoying behavior. Also, it is really stupid, though.

It is incredibly stupid. It is really stupid. It is incredibly stupid, but you're complaining about it. It's not going to do anything. Just give the fucking blood if you want to do something. Also, in high school, I used to give blood all the time because I have a very... Do you guys know your blood types?

Yes. Gay. What's yours? Gay, I can't give. My blood type is LGBTQ. It's AB+. Wow, really? The universal receiver?

So you can... Wow. Damn. I have no clue. So you're not giving blood to anyone. Look at me making a stink about blood donors. You probably just don't remember, Ben. Well, Max has the type of blood, Ben, if you don't know.

I'm kidding. I'm O negative. Okay, so you're the universal donor. Wow. And Max is the universal receiver. Wow. So Ben has the bottom of blood type. And I have the bottom?

Okay. Yeah. Ben has the top of blood types and Max has the bottom of blood type. And I have the bottom? Okay. Yeah, Ben has the top of blood types and Max has the bottom. Okay, I'm A negative, which is the second rarest, I think. What's A negative mean? A negative is like... You're versed. Yeah, I'm versed.

Well, it's like rare enough that they used to email me once a week in high school before I accidentally was like actually yeah i i guess you have hiv well no i accidentally yeah i accidentally said actually one time i gave blood and i was like they were like what channel do you want us to put the tv on while you're giving blood and i said um can you turn on channel 48, which is in Buffalo Turner classic movies? And there were no faggots. Well, Charlie Chaplin Modern Times was on. And they, like, by the time I left,

they were like, this is actually pretty, this is pretty sick. And they kept it on the TV. What if enough gay men take my advice and gay guys start lying about being straight and they give HIV to people? First of all, they should do that in general in their daily life. So blood donation sites have to come up with a new way to tell if men are gay or not. So they just show you a bunch of pictures of like charlie xe x queens and they're

like who is this and if yeah if you can answer it they know you're gay what's your the a great family guy joke which is um how to tell if someone's gay ask them what their favorite madonna album is if their answer is anything other than what then you know that they're gay i think you can do that with kylie you can do that with're gay i think you can do that with kylie you can do that with kylie minogue you can do that with like um carly ray jepsen god it's there's pretty much any female artist but a lot of ray for sure i had an hiv scare a couple like a month or so ago where i went into the er and the doctor pulled me into a separate room. And was like, can I...

He's in a hazmat suit. Well, he was like... Please accompany me to the HIV room. He was like, can I talk to you privately for a minute? And I was like, sure. And he, like, pulled me into this room, and he was like, can you tell me about the sexual partners you've had in the past?

And I, like, told him all of this stuff, and he was like, I... Have been for how you've been fucking with base yeah they basically just clocked me as trans and were like i think you probably have hiv and listen up doll i didn't but i was like it scared the fuck out of me because i was like that's like i've had i've had scares as well very rude like to pull me into a separate room and be like um i think he was just happy he was bored you know it would suck so much to be someone who needs blood and then you get it and then you end up having hiv from your blood donor that would yeah you're straight and that's what i'm is now is that what happened to magic johnson like how did magic johnson get it uh he probably shared needles or

something right something like that yeah probably something like that or like or or something i think he got it at a hospital or something like not because you like not shady at all for some Freddie Mercury gave ECE AIDS. Really? Yeah. I believe that. I know Robert Mapplethorpe got it, but his partner didn't. Robert Mapplethorpe gave 400 men AIDS. Robert Mapplethorpe, by the way. I honestly think Robert Mapplethorpe, one of the hottest guys ever.

He's so hot. He's so hot. Patty Smith is hotter than Robert Mapplethorpe one of the hottest guys ever he's so hot Patti Smith is a hotter man than Robert Mapplethorpe Patti Smith is disgusting she looks like a crow stop gassing her up Patti Smith you guys are both crazy come on she is so annoying

I do think it's really funny I like her music I do think it's really funny that at the... I like her music. Some of it. I do think it's really funny that Robert Mablethorpe, one, started taking pictures of flowers instead of, like, gaping assholes just so he could have photos to show his dad. And two...

His art is so tacky. No, just the flowers. I like his... No, the, like, beady... I hate it. I hate it. I think he's just the flowers i i like this like the like the like beady i hate it i hate it i think he's just a hottie because i think like inspired some of the most annoying art it inspired when i yeah oh my god i've told the og instagram guy yeah literally it's like so it's like so um it's like pre-tumblr whereed, where it's like aesthetic, it's aesthetic vibe posting, where it's just like, I'm looking sad. It's like a rose and a leather glove and a harness.

Yeah, it's like the butt end of a whip sticking out of an asshole in close-up. It's so tacky. I do like it. I do like like it i get that it's like i get why it's important there are pictures that i see that i'm like i get why it's important in the moment i'm sure it's fine but it really did inspire some of the most annoying photography ever yeah like i mean even just like even now just like the photographers who take pictures of like twinks or like guys with a lot of muscle it's like black and white pictures of them in their bedroom yeah the amount i the amount of

fucking new york times articles on this photography as if it's some kind of like cutting edge queer expression no it was cutting edge when he was doing it first of all but second of all also like he is an underrated element of him is that he was like the stanley kubrick of photography like he did like what kubrick did for film for like photography where he's like just centered stuff no where he was like so like into the technical aspect and he figured out the best settings to use on your slr for when you're photographing a cut penis versus a thin circumcised. Yeah, exactly. Literally. I do also think it's really funny that at the end of his career, he was like,

yeah, my new thing is black guys, and I'm just going to photograph them from now on. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's queen. I do not fuck with him. I love him. I love him. I love. He was handsome. I will say that. I probably would. Couple number one, Ethel and Fred from I Love Lucy

Stop Wait, this is, remind me These are TV couples you didn't know were queer Quote, iconic TV couples Who are gay in my mind This is schizophrenic Ethel and Fred met Performing in Vaudeville

Do I need to say more? Who's the mental patient that is writing this for them at home? Billy McEntee. Billy McEntee. Billy, you're on fucking notice, Billy. Okay. Their psychiatrist is unlicensed. I'm going to skip.

I'm going to skip. I'm skipping Ethel and Fred. That's the... I remember I watched I Love Lucy when I was and Fred. This is that the I remember I watched I Love Lucy when I was a kid. This is their like older couple that lives above them. Oh

my God. This guy has another article called Remembering Three TV Actors Who Queered Masculinity. This is not good. This is not good. This is really really really fucked up you could betty and howard deville there are so many gay people on tv right now why do you need to go rewrite history to make people gay okay um i'm actually gonna go straight to um let me see

what's the next couple next couple is um betty and howard deville from rugrats don't even oh this one is low hanging fruit yes okay who cares the nebbish doormat and betty the baggy sweatshirt wearing former wrestler are textbook and rather thin depictions of queer masculinity and femininity shut the fuck up let okay let me go what if this what if this is shane vader oh my god it's shane vader used to dm me all the time no i don't know who that is sorry no sorry ben don't make me explain i don't want to know i don't i have to block them like three times i don't want to know yeah let's get okay them like three times. I don't want to know. Come on, Hester.

Lane and Zach from Gilmore Girls. Who's that? I always thought of these two as rather lonely creatures who bonded over a shared isolation. A quality that in my preteen eyes inherently made them queer. This one is so bad, dude.

This person has problems. No. Yeah. Oh, this is a funny one. Oh my god. Grey Worm and Missandei from Game of Thrones. It's just because Grey Worm had his cock cut off. Is that why? Oh,

the housekeeper and the kid from Two and a Half Men. Also a queer couple. Many don't know this. I really want to know why Bob and Linda from Bob's Burgers are queer. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I know the queer couple people don't talk about. The twins in Full House.

They were fucking, you know. Yeah, they were queer. They were so queer. Even though they played one character. It a self-love yeah behind the scenes it's like as when i when i think of it behind the scenes they were fucking ready this couple's already plenty queer john roberts voices burger queen linda a gay icon with more jersey pizzazz than saltwater taffy. Taylor Ham and marinara stained gingham combined.

First of all, I don't know what those last two things are. This person is having a dissociative This person has been living in a dissociative state for 10 years. The next sentence is, despite the gender swapped voice

acting, Linda and Bob have a pretty conventional, if frenetic, marriage. They parent three rambunctious kids, keep a mom and pop business afloat, and endure comical encounters with local eccentrics. This person is also missing the opportunity to point out when it's

actually real, because this does happen in TV shows. Prime example Stewie and Brian. Yeah, Stewie and Brian. And Ernie. They're queer because it's bestiality. If you be an LGBTQ

it's bestiality. If you guys want to hear Erase bisexuals and replace them with bestiality. You guys should all listen to, if you're listening to this, listen to the episode of the podcast, that good old-fashioned values, those good old-fashioned values

where there are two episodes now where we read Family Guy porn and two of them are Family Guy porn featuring Brian and Stewie, which is very beautiful. Good lord.

Okay. Oh, my God. Their frenzied lifestyle makes me want to see alternate reality for the Belcher couple. One that's as cottagecore as their current one is Daffy. Freed from capitalism's restraints and the need to create increasingly punny burger names

to attract customers, I like to picture Bob and Linda as lesbians on a perpetual honeymoon strolling around a quite new England hamlet, far from the boisterous antics of their boardwalk town. I am disgusted.

This person belongs in prison. Maybe it's their BJE, big Jersey energy. This is clearly, like, forgive me for saying it. Maybe I went, no. Fat, queer person who doesn't have a lot of sex and internalizes their lack of sex by being a complete and total freak about their media consumption

and about everything else in their life where they're constantly talking about sex. Deeply, deeply horny to do this is one of the horniest things you could do. Yeah. Um, yeah. The white.

Oh my God. There's a new, there's a new one that I just saw. That's called seven Christmas movies that are gay in my mind. Do you want to hear this? I'll just list them off. Um, the year without Santa Claus. Number one, number two, Krampus 2015. movies that are gay in my mind. Do you want to hear? I'll just list them off. The Year Without Santa Claus, number one.

Number two, Krampus, 2015. This person needs to stop. Number three, Barbie in the Nutcracker. Number four, Batman Returns. Number five, Holiday in Handcuffs. Number six, Home Alone 2, Lost in New York.

Number seven, How the Grinch Stole Christmas But the Jim Carrey one This person's neighbors Are lighting up Lighting this person's ass up On V1.1 This is a cool This is a cool person that I love

They have not taken out the garbage In at least five months Like everything else, it becomes full circle Where you kind of have to be like, all right, go off. Go off. You're slaying. You're slaying. We love. I do think the Grinch is kind of trans.

I think there's a tranny element to the Grinch, the 2001. There's a moment where he shaves. There's a moment where he shaves because There's a moment where he shaves because everyone's like, you're so hairy. And he shaves and he cuts his face up shaving and everyone's laughing at him. Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to call big hypocrisy

hour on your ass right now, bitch. Because I have a theory. Exactly. You're taking your cracker ass to court. Okay, go ahead because I have to pee so bad. I have to pee so bad. What's wrong? I have to pee.

She has to pee. Go pee. Go pee. I have a theory. You know my theory that Christian Walker is trans. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I told Hessa this, and I was like, oh, well, you know, like Christian

shades. He gets all of the body hair, all of his body hair lasered off, even his hands. No. Yes. No. He said this. He gets laser hair removal on his hands. And I told Hessa that also with, you know, all of the other evidence.

Okay. And she was like, well, that doesn't mean he's trans. Gay guys do that too. And I was like, Hessa, come on. Come on. That is pretty damning evidence. And now that she's like, oh, the Grinch is trans because he shaves. I'm going to nail her ass when she gets back.

She's going to be begging for forgiveness. Somebody lied. I caught somebody in a lie. Somebody lied. I caught somebody in a lie. I got your fucking ass, bitch. Somebody lied. That is perfect. If the Grinch

is trans for shaving, Christian Walker is so trans for getting laser hair removed. But the Grinch is a different color anyway. He's a different color. It's clearly about race. But that's racist. Of course.

Of course. Exactly. Santa Claus. But you got to look a little deeper, don't you? You have to look a little deeper because it can't be race. No, no, no. Grinch is a standard for black America. Everyone knows that. And this, here's

this little, alright, let's roll again. Okay, the little racist is back in her peeper. You're about to yell at me. You're about to yell and scream. I'm about to expose your ass in a way that has never been done before. Go ahead and expose me. You're saying the case here

is that... I'm going to go fold Meredith Marks' lawyer right now. The case that you are bringing to court today, the case that you are bringing to court today, Miss Hessa, is that the Grinch is trans for shaving. I am not saying that. I'm saying that there are queer elements in it's... There are queer elements in the story.

There are trans elements that the... The trans element is... The Grinch shaving, I related to that. Is around shaving. A very deep level. Yeah, and is exiled for being different. And like, yeah, there's a lot of... I want to keep the nexus on shave.

Okay, but go ahead. Are you about to yell at me? I'm not going to yell at you. I'm just going to call you nexus on shave. Okay, but go ahead. Are you about to yell at me? I'm not going to yell at you. I'm just going to call you a liar, maybe. Oh, my God. Go ahead. What is this? How are you going to body me here?

This is going to be a slam fucking dunk, bitch. This is going to be embarrassing for you. I can tell. Maybe. Probably. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Probably going to be very embarrassing for me.

I'll end up being schooled by you, but I'm still going to try. Shoot for the stars, you know. Go ahead. So I gave you my theory, which I think is backed up, that Christian Walker could be trans and maybe is trans. See, Hessa's face, she's already making a stink face with me and i said i gave has to the whole case christian within christian's mind the way christian thinks the cognitive architecture of his brain okay yeah he is someone who believes in the gender

binary fully okay and yet still identifies as a man. But does not act like one. Given his definitions of what being a man is. Right? He has very, very stringent patriarchal idea of what a man is and what a man should do. Mm-hmm. Which Christian himself does not do.

Right? And he's constantly talking about how he needs a big, strong, conservative man to take care of him. So clearly in his very binary way of thinking of things, he is a woman. No, no.

We'll leave that up to the viewer. If he was a woman, then he would just simply become a woman, but he would be a very beautiful woman. He's also a conservative. He's having... No, he can be a conservative and be trans. Come on. No, but he can, but not Christian

because he couldn't transition. His entire brand is against the idea of becoming trans. No way. So he's not trans. He's one of the biggest trans folk. So he's not trans. He is, I'm going to say maybe a closeted trans. Extremely closeted.

Like no. The closet is a locked from the outside. He hates trans people. He's an incredibly transphobic person. Okay. But that germ is there. But I bring it up specifically because Christian gets laser hair removal. He has, there are shirtless pictures.

There's not a single follicle on this guy. Okay. He gets laser hair removal on his hands. Maybe he was molested. What does that mean? Like Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson got laser hair removal too. You know? Michael Jackson is laser removal too you know Michael Jackson is I mean not trans

but is trying to return to childhood he's trans he's trans transracial he's trans baby trans baby yeah trans age I I've had to delete three separate pictures from Twitter because people comment yo is that Michael Jackson

yeah if someone takes a picture of me three separate pictures from Twitter because people comment, yo, is that Michael Jackson? If someone takes a picture of me with the flash on and my face is at an upward kind of angle, they're always like... That's a compliment. It's beautiful. Yeah, because Michael Jackson was beautiful. No. Young Michael Jackson was beautiful. A beautiful pedophile. They're talking about white Michael Jackson. Even white

Michael Jackson had, in certain angles, a very beautiful bone structure. Yes. It's all about the chassis. It's all about the bone. It's all about the chassis.

That was my getting your ass. You kind of fell for that. I was hoping you would cry and tell me that. I can cry if you want me to cry. You want me to cry? Pretend to be my parents real quick. Tell me you're disappointed. I'm not going to do that. It's too much.

I was kidding. That couldn't make me cry. What else? I was going to say something else. Oh, did you see that video of Tucker Carlson? Which one? I'm telling you. He was introducing.

Well, I won't. Okay, go ahead and tell me. He was saying, I cannot believe Michael Jackson was spotted in the flesh recently in Washington, D.C. Last week, there's video footage of Michael Jackson. And then it cut to Nancy Pelosi giving a speech. That's so funny. That's giving a speech that's so funny that's so iconic it's so funny it's so i laughed so hard because tucker carlson is doing his you know like like young republican prep school brown noser fucking rohipnol ass shit and he is like stone face the delivery is hilarious and then he cuts to nancy pelosi

and she's like shaking like a chihuahua he rocks like tucker is so funny dude tucker is so funny he's hilarious he's a psycho and i hate him but also he's hilarious he's a showman he's a showman he's performing same way same way that christian walker is you know i think a lot of people think i think a lot of people think that like personalities on the right are incapable of self-awareness or irony or satire but a lot of these people are hamming up a persona their characters they know what they're doing the performers i mean christian walker one of the best performers i want to get christian so bad he should he should be in a movie he deserves to be a movie star that yeah that is if snl was still making like any kind of skits that

were funny black gay conservative in a starbucks drive-thru who's yelling about mr potato oh my god yes they wish they could come up with a character that is that nuanced and funny. But they can't. That is like, I need Varg Vikerns on steroids to slam my asshole. And then like, opening the window. Hi! On this stream yesterday he was literally getting so

horny for Hasan. I'm surprised that his chair did not fall into his asshole. He was dying. He was slipping around. He was so wet i love that it was so you love that for him i got a shout out i saw hi ben hi ben we love him it feels like reading your text getting annoyed and being like oh by the way i was texting felix like say by the way my friend i was i was texting him the whole time telling, my friend Ben told me. Tell him I said hi. Tell him I said hi. Tell him I said hi. Tell him I said hi. Tell him I said hi.

I was texting him the whole time telling him to kiss him. I know. God. Yeah. Suck him off. Kiss him right now. Kiss him right now. I was basically, I'm not, I don't mean to fuck it.

I was posting Christian Walker like a year and a half ago. I was showing Christian. You were, you started this. You did. You are the OG. Literally, I was doing PR work for him for yes posters on the left yeah okay same with walking same with barry hirschel walker same as barry i was on barry from day fucking one barry was shocked when i when we were shooting with barry earlier and i

was like talking about how i described one of the very first videos he did to a t he was shocked he was because you described his first video and he um his first video was actually his second video and he was like actually that was my second and you you were like oh yeah your first one was you in the street that one time and it was on the way to brunch and he was like yep the thing is people don't want to look people don't want to admit it but i am an internet archivist okay i think you should this is why so walker we got people we got the queer indigo big okay we got christian walker big up, my man, Griff Griff. Okay. Griff Griff is going to be huge.

Griff Griff is the new wave. Griff Griff is going to blow these girlies out of the water. We need it. So what's the path for Griff Griff, though? We need to get Griff Griff on. This is the thing. I don't know what it is for Griff Griff. He's not really cute.

The thing about Griff Griff is that we're going to find the other half of his brain and we're going to get it put back in. Griff Griff is going to need someone. You know, Griff Griff is going to need handlers. He's going to need a manager. I don't know. He needs a husband. I don't know how we blow up Griff Griff. But I'm thinking like you just give him like uh hgtv show you give him like a diners dive-ins whatever

blah blah blah guy fieri food review shit okay he needs he needs to pivot to youtube because tiktok is too fleeting um the videos are too limited he needs to do live streaming at restaurants do full reviews not just like second shots of the food we need four reviews he needs to leave Las Vegas sorry bitch once in a while travel you need views you know also beef up the words a little bit they're a little sparse although iconic you know but you've got to get it's gorgeous gorgeous girls love soup girl on. Oh my god, yes.

After Griff Griff, she's on the fucking tarmac. I'm talking about the one in the back of the car. She's not talking about the two goth mall bitches from the original one. I'm talking about the absolute dolls. I'm talking about the dolls

in the car. I, to be honest, I'd rather have the absolute dolls. I'm talking about the dolls in the car. I am going to be honest. I'd rather have the original Soup Girls on. I think both of them would be good. Both of them. I think we need. But the one in the car follows me on Twitter. Oh, we should get her on.

Yeah. We need to. She's really pretty. She's gorgeous. She is stunning. I want to get Griff Griff to come out with us in Manhattan. I want it. Last night.

Imagine a Griff Griff. Dino. Dime. Dino. Hey, bitches. We went to Dime. We got the Dime salad. I had a cocaine in the small bathroom.

And I almost died from the fentanyl. Oh, my God. Bethany Hathor had to hit me with a Narcan pen. Bethany Hathor had to Narcan me. We love. Yeah.

Then we went to Winnie's and I sang my favorite thong, karaoke. Which is the thong What music does Griff? Well,iff griff he loves katie perry what's that one song um he loves madonna but like madonna no i think i think griff griff loves the song that's like um like you've got the music in you don't give up i think it's you don't look back you've got the music no he does he does he does he does when i was completely

wrong when i was inpatient at woodhull there was a guy who um during music hour if they switch the song from that on a loop they would have to give him a thorazine injection and like five orderlies would have to hold him down he would be so upset that was that was no griff probably listens to like uh like the real housewife soundtrack no good as gold by sheena yeah listens to the music of no like the interstitial music like yeah that is his lifestyle griff griff listens to Touch in Public by Tom Tom Schwartz no he definitely listens to music like that but he also

listens to any like top 40 radio artist who's been to Las Vegas Katy Perry, Pitbull Wayne Newton he listens to Wayne Newton he listens to fucking Benny Hill.

I also just want... Yeah. Also, I want to go on record by saying that Touch in Public is better than all the other Housewives or Vanderpump songs. I think it's...

It's the caliber of a Bruno Mars song I think yeah and I think that Tom Schwartz did a good job on it or Tom Sandoval whichever Tom I can't fucking well it seems like this is where the train has run out of steam

yeah I'm about to get cancelled for it for saying that you're gonna be cancelled we need to stop having bad taste in music um programming note anyone who's been for saying that. You're going to be cuckold. We need to stop having bad taste in music. Programming note, anyone who's been disappointed by the audio recently,

we are very sorry. It's my fault every single time. You can take any of your complaints truly wherever you want them, but they will be most effective

if you message them to Hessa. Yeah. She lives on, what's his street? Also, if you use them, if you do them, if you have a complaint, you have to find Hessa. She lives on... What's this street? Also, if you use them... If you have a complaint, you have to find Hessa and you have to tell her in person.

She lives at 106 Street in Manhattan. You can find her there and you can tell her that she needs to fix the audio. Okay, make a note of that time, Max.

Because that's Ben's actual address. That is not my address. That is not my address. That is not my address. That is not my address. That is not my address. That is not my address. Oh, my God.

You can tell her to her face there. She would love if you assaulted her physically, mentally. Beep out that address, Max max because it is ben's address it's not my address i want to be clear it's not why would i send people to mine also no one's gonna say we don't have enough crazy ass listeners to go they don't care oh i don't give a shit i someone one time i got a message on curious cat that was like, oh, Larry Baldwin's going to show up and stab. I know. No,

I am. Also, I'm not kidding. This is for what you said about Latinas, you bitch. One time I got a message on, um, curious cat.

That was, um, a picture of your house. No, it was, I've gotten two messages that are just my address. Um, but other than that,

I got a message that was, I just got a laser pointer, LOL. I'm going to point it at you. And then I was walking down the street the same day and I saw a laser dot on the sidewalk in front of me. I'm not kidding. I swear to God. Do you think it was a sniper?

No, I think it was just some weirdo. It was probably a weird coincidence. Another weird coincidence. One time when I lived in Boston, I was it was just some like weirdo is like probably a weird coincidence another weird coincidence one time when I lived in Boston I was in downtown crossing. There was a homeless guy who was yelling insane. He was like like the CIA No, he's like When I was in this homeless guy is like yelling like the cia is in my head they train me they're telling they're giving me information and then he turns and looks at me and points at me and

screams i know exactly who you are you're from buffalo new york which i am actually wow and so i was like main character syndrome this is no these are crippling main character syndrome. I'm at best. Well, now you know what to do when you see Hessa. I have a walk-on role. You see her and you say, I know who you are. You're from Buffalo, New York. Or alternatively, for the better, if you have a laser pointer, find Hessa. Oh, my God. I'll chase it like a cat.

I will. Uh-huh. Okay, everyone. On a serious note, the programming, we are sorry. We will improve. Please, please forgive us. I love you. This audio will be flawless.

I love you. But I truly do feel bad. Bye. It does suck to have bad audio. Yeah. On a serious note, Havana syndrome is real and don't hate. On a serious note, we all have Havana syndrome and we're very tired and scared. Bye, everyone.

We love you. We love. Mwah. I have a story I want to tell. There was a man I treated well. They say you shouldn't yield to any temptation. But it all started with an innocent conversation. Oh, he was so sweet and oh so kind. Thank you.