Seeking Derangements - SD 12 - Global Queer Panic feat. Amber

Episode Date: May 17, 2020

Amber sits down to chat with us about a couple of out-of-pocket queer "activists". Ben talks for 15 minutes about this old-ass safe in the apartment he's squatting. intro/// Rashid Beybutov - Гор��д Мой Баку outro/// Bobby Reed - The Time Is Right For Love

🎵 I here have devised my own coffee maker, my own pour-over from Kenneth Beans. Because I am still basically squatting in an apartment in Chinatown, and they don't have a coffee maker here. I didn't really want to like go to Target to buy a coffee maker, you know, so I just took a can of beans and rinsed it out and put a bunch of holes in it and now I just use a coffee filter. It's like a pour over, you know. I mean it works were above my mug and it's good coffee. But yeah, we've talked about Latino utilitarianism.

Yeah, it's just another shining example of that. But a resourceful people, resourceful people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've been keeping it together. I mean, I feel like I've just gotten to the point of quarantine where i'm done being depressed and i just feel nothing you enter a state of just total almost like bliss at some point where just nothing matters anymore this is just the way things will always be i guess um not me i'm still uh raging against the dying of the light really uh yeah it's difficult i would i would like to give up and lie down in the snow um that would be fun for me but i i have such a i'm very good i realized and this is probably due to sort of the conditions of my

upbringing i'm very like crisis minded and i like really flourish in a crisis which makes you like maybe um uh a distant and observant girlfriend but also whenever there's an emergency i'm i'm really chill with it i get i get my shit together yeah people can rely on you for for help yeah in a crisis i'm reliable under those uh situations uh uh but you know disgusted by intimacy yeah something that only truly happens in any meaningful way when there's not a crisis i'm more bury my head in the sand like just watch like five seasons of master chef jr and pretend like nothing's happening I don't think either one of them is

healthier or less healthy it is what it is I do have a little project I was just like watching six seasons of or like an entire season of like Planet Earth just like ripping high and like watching it again and again and again oh nice yeah it doesn't really bomb my brain i i really

should stop doing that yeah i like planet earth though um i've got a project i've got a little project yeah stop smoking weed you know my obsession with planet earth right i wrote a whole article about like nature documentaries i don't know how to read so yeah well don't learn it makes you ugly it causes it causes wrinkles but yeah like i'm obsessed with attenborough as not so much a documentarian but as like the greatest PR man for like nature ever. Yeah. And he really has like made people like sort of be like, you know what?

Maybe like the environment's cool. Like I love him a lot. And I don't mind the fact that he's probably like the sort of British aristocrat that eats children. No, absolutely. He's got the British pedophile accent. He's the one guy that's allowed pedophile accent the one guy that's allowed he's the one guy that's allowed it's a cost benefit analysis and he came out on top yeah yeah just wait for the documentary on it um but i've got the annotation there would be wild

but i've got a project here myself that i've been working on the past uh couple days the the apartment i'm squatting in there's a there's a mysterious safe here like a big a giant like safe box huh and the girls who have vacated they just use it to like store their like pink wine on top of but i was talking with my friend who lives here and she was like yeah so that safe was from the apartment above you and they tried to move it out but it fell while they were the movers were carrying it down the stairs and it killed someone so they just moved it into this apartment and it's just here now it's this massive yeah it's this massive just like i tried to push it just like slide it a little bit and it's like

too heavy to even move a bit i don't know how they moved it at all but it's like i mean the apartment's in chinatown this this safe is clearly very old so i don't know what kind of demons treasure well i'm thinking money maybe or maybe a curse either way open it i'm trying to open it yeah yeah i need to go steal some much needed stethoscopes from a doctor so i can hack the safe right there's probably like uh you know wiki tutorials on like a wiki how on how to crack a safe at this point right yeah how to crack an ancient ancient chinese safe but in my way of thinking on it okay like it's it has to like immigrants you know like first generation immigrants hate they fucking hate banks they will never put a

single dime in a bank it's all just like in a mattress or a freezer or something so there's gotta be there's gotta be money there's got to be money. There's got to be money in there. You've got to have like three generations in a country before you can trust the banks. Yeah. Just ask the Jews. They thought they had it figured out in Germany

because they were banking. Didn't stop the government from being like, no, actually the banks are ours now. Yeah. So, I mean, I get it. You you know maybe get a mattress maybe get a safe maybe buried in the backyard like oh yeah historically speaking if you just got here your money might not be safe in the bank yeah no my my dad has never once set foot in a bank i don't even know how banks work because of like no one ever taught me because of that distrust like I don't know how to write a fucking check but yeah I have a good credit union now it's pretty chill but I mean that's that's been my project is breaking into the safe and and figuring out what's in there it's money or guns I don't know that's like a Kafka short story

yeah like there's a there's a plague and you're stuck in uh an apartment that isn't yours and there's a safe that's like haunting you that killed someone yeah or maybe it's more of an edgar allen poe thing you know yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't i'm trying to think like other ways of getting it open besides a stethoscope i can't like hit it with a bat. I don't know. Melt it. Get a welder. It's a numeric safe, right? Yeah.

Okay. Just try every possible. I have time. I'm not doing anything. You probably just need listening tools. Yeah. I'll see. Well, it depends. Me bringing it up like it's like easy.

Like, oh my God. How do you not open the safe yet? Have you tried listening to it? Oh god listen for the click safe we hear you we see you i'll charm it open well you might actually just need to like bust in or like use a massive saw because a lot of those it depends how good it actually is or how expensive the save used to be. But like the really good ones you could get, like if you,

if it tipped over a little bit, it would like automatically like lock permanently. Like you'd need a particular like set of keys or whatever to get it back. But if it's really old, it probably doesn't have those things, right? Yes. It looks super old.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it looks really really old it's just been in this building it's one of those things where it's like how did you even get it up five flights of stairs like you try to bring it down one flight and it kills someone how did you even get it up there but who knows i mean it's the resourcefulness of the chinese american immigrant yeah you know they have ways yeah yeah kind of the Chinese American immigrant. Yeah. They figured it out. Yeah. Kind of the same way that, you know, they took over China itself, you know. The Chinese American immigrant? No, no, just the Chinese in general.

I was trying to make a... Never mind. Don't worry about it. No, but I like the idea that a bunch of, like, Chinese Americans, like, that have no relationship to China go back and they're like, we're opening upachki shops yeah maybe not the chinese americans but the chinese like upper middle class expresses oh totally yeah yeah they all go to nyu and then come back and then open up a garment factory exactly yeah yeah i have this friend from from

singapore who's like ethically chinese and she's like super super loaded like i i still have no idea i mean of course i know how but you know it just boggles the mind to know someone who's that rich even if it's just like online does that make sense yeah yeah yeah you can usually tell by looking at someone's face for me yeah you can you can spot it oh my god do you see that their teeth that's the big one as a bad teeth poor poor person like uh who spent a lot of money on dentistry uh to be pretty uh like that's the thing that i stare at people's teeth rich people have like these amazing like terrifying teeth that are so perfect i got a gold tooth that I still have not

paid my dentist for. I used to get these calls from my dentist that were just like you have an outstanding bill. You gave me a gold tooth. You expect me to fucking pay you? No way. Shut the hell up.

Are you going to break your legs? You're not getting it back so either you make your peace with that or you try and go after a faggot with a gold tooth and see what happens yeah you fucking yeah just call an idiot they're probably better at paying that shit off and you would well they're like this is not worth the trouble at all i remember like getting it and they were like okay you can get because it's like it wasn't elective I like needed like my tooth was fucked so I got some of my dental

work paid for because it technically gives me horrible headaches oh nice apparently teeth are actually important you can get an ivory you can get like a ivory one like a white shade and i was like i was like because all of my like my aunts and uncles they have gold teeth you just like

rural people living in rural costa rica you know i was like well i was like do you have gold because i'm like it's cheaper it lasts longer than the like fake tooth stuff and they're like you want gold and i was like yeah yeah why not and he was like could you could you smile for me and i i was like i don't generally like smile that much i don't have a lot of teeth show and he's like well i just want to see like if you can see it your smile and and i and you can but they give you a super cheap so i recommend the the gold tooth method to anyone in appalachia there was was a dentistry program for a while where they would send like dental students down to, you know, practice on all of my insane cousins. And at that point, silver was cheaper.

Oh, nice. And because like there's I mean, like the thing about fluoridated water is that actually fluoride is naturally in a lot of water sources. So like you don't even have to fluoridate a lot of water. But it's not in the mountains because it's like spring water. So like that's why our like the teeth are really, really bad up there. Because like the second you have soda, it's like guess what? Your teeth have just rotted. So like a lot of it was like cavity, fake tooth stuff.

Even for people who are like you know teens so i have all these cousins with just a mouthful of silver yes yeah that was a bit that was a big one big one at my elementary school just like sixth grade like like people who are like in in fourth grade just full grills. Just full silver grills. Really, really iconic. It's really weird too because teeth are such a class signifier and they're like, okay, we're gonna make sure that no one knows you're poor.

Here are blinding silver teeth. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. It suddenly becomes this shining advertisement for the fact that you were literally the guinea pig for a dental student literally yeah you you cut someone's chops um speaking of of people's

uh bodily class signifiers did you see nancy that video of nancy pelosi oh my god amber have you seen this show oh no is i mean it's it's her regular just like her body is coming she has the it's a video where she's she's kind of blabbering incoherently about um she's like going off about some like like should i watch economy and no it's no you're gonna lose iq points it's honestly like not even funny it's just like totally fucking boring she just talks about like how important it is like wear a mask or whatever but in this video she has such her skin has such a high gloss sheen she looks like she looks like a 13 year old youtube mua twink who's like on the like yeah like youtube mua to like brian singer pool party pipeline she's so shiny she looks like she has that james charles sheen to her face it's insane it's crazy uh no no like lady bunny is no uh classic classic

queen um basically like um one of the people of like rupaul's generation who didn't come up with rupaul because she's less of an elder stateswoman and more of a, I do a variety show on Christmas where I sing Feliz Navidad with the lyrics, have sex with your dad, kind of drag queen. She's amazing. She's like if Comptown was a drag queen and she's really funny and really cool. Huge Bernie bro too. Nice. Hell yeah.

But I was on a call with her, you know, Michael Cavadias, and we were just talking about Quora or whatever, and she was like, I know what Nancy Pelosi is doing makeup-wise, which one, she's tuned a little too tight. I know, I know. She has no homosexuals in her life to tell her, okay, that's enough. Stop now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it looks like she has to do that thing where she can't, you have to do this like pugs and ch chihuahuas whose eyes bulge out too much where you have to like give them eye drops to keep their eyes hydrated yes they can't like close their eyelids around their massive eyes she can't close her eyes it looks like her pointed out that she does the um like pre super high serious contour thing but it's just like very basic early drag thing where she does like a brown stripe down her nose yeah with like a dot so that her nose looks finer and she and

because like when your skin gets older you you don't want to like put too much like powder on it so it it cakes in so she's trying to like offset it with too much sheen but basically she's like it's like she she completely like broke down nancy pelosi's makeup regimen which is that of a kind of low rent drag queen yeah like aging drag queen like she does and i looked at it and she does do like the brown stripe she's like it, it's not like full, it's not like full like, you know, drag race, like white razor thin thing. But it's just like, she does fucking drag queen makeup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, she has like 80. I was going to say she's fucking 80. Like she, that kind of plastic surgery, just when it's that overdone, you just always look like 65. You know what I mean? It's like when you're that mangled like old but not it's it's just not you can't place it on like a biological line so you're just like i guess you're the age where someone starts to think they look too old which is like

60 so you got a bunch of work done you know the thing i know you probably can't get pregnant but i can't tell anything else about you age-wise yeah that's kind of it she's something's going on in this video man she's so shiny it's too tight it's like yeah it's just and then and then she yeah again like to make sure there aren't you don't see any like creases or pores which which by the way, even like very young people will have like a crease here. Like no one is, like very few people are very, very, very smooth. So it doesn't look young. It looks uncanny.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And she's, she, I just, I can't think of a better voice right now for the democratic party i mean like she totally you can totally just like just spending exorbitant amounts of money to like keep up this appearance that you are like functional and and have some vitality when you're just rotting from the inside but she's really an amazing amazing symbol of the party itself without the sex appeal literally or the or the humor just no no humor nothing yeah no what a fucking psycho um but wish her well she's fucking 80 dude i know i didn't know she was that old oh my god i i seriously can't believe that she's 80 she does

not look i mean her wig's good. I'll give her that. Yeah. Her wig is perfect. It's a good wig. Yeah. Again, though, it's just like a little, just a little too much. It's like she doesn't have...

Where are her girls to tell her, okay, just stop? No more. It's all about parallel parking, you know? You need someone to go, a little more on the other. She's not aging gracefully. She's like, she's

being dragged, kicking and streaming to her 84th birthday party. And I get post-menopause little tweaks here and there, especially Botox or something. But it's like, one of the things they don't want to do that

i think does actually work is gain a little bit of weight yeah it plumps up your face yes exactly and so she wants to be like thin and angular but she has no it's just skin on bone so it's like this very intense like uh you know brazil kind of look yeah yeah yeah no i i i sympathize with that i'm just skin and bones i want to get some some pork fat injections or something but i'm i'm pretty skinny right now but i i do have a pumpkin head which i feel like will uh make i feel like it'll make aging easier for me oh yeah absolutely my giant my giant cheeks are you you losing weight in core oh i'm losing so much weight in core really yeah i am nice i just i don't feel like eating i feel like uh staring at a wall yeah i'm really into that i'm fluctuating i'm like binge eating for one of the first times in my life where i'm

i'll just like i'll just be like so fucking bored and depressed i'm like yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna eat like, like the other day in the, just in the cupboard. I was just looking in the cupboard because I was like, I need sugar. And I don't even like sweets, but I was just sort of, I found like this old thing of nerds rope. And I like ate it. I just like ate it without even thinking.

I was like, this is disgusting. This is like so. The sort of thing that like is disgusting until you're high. And then you're like, it's the height of cuisine like did they discontinue that shit that seems like candy that that's they made in a lab in like 2011 probably be illegal the way like flavored cigarettes are illegal like it's like you're just clearly like entrapping children that can't help themselves and develop and you're hooking children on an addictive substance yeah no phallic candy i think we need to be done with the the dick shaped candy i also like uh like yeah

i definitely have a thing where it's like i don't feel um hunger because of just like a oh surrounded by death uh just really i just i don't know what it is i'm just like very peckish and at best yeah and when i do want to eat i'm like gummy bears i love gummy bears they remind me of my childhood when i believed in something yeah gummy bears are good i can't wait until I can go to a restaurant again and just be like, um, I'm not that hungry. I know. I'm actually, you know, actually, I would really just like, you know,

I know I invited all you guys out here to get food, but I'm just, I don't know. I'd really just like a salad and a cocktail. Can I have a side salad and a cocktail? I cannot wait to go to a restaurant and be like, will you slip this with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be a total bitch.

But, you know, this week was horrible. This week, you know, Quar, I kind of entered a state where I just stopped thinking about it. But the gays this week have been totally fucking unhinged. And I don't know if it's because like pride is being canceled. There's demonic energy. Everyone is just needing way more attention than usual because we can't go out and embarrass ourselves in public. But there's been so much horrible gay shit happening online.

Like, okay, first of all, Chastain's memoir. Did you see that? I only just heard about this today. So funny. No, I heard about it yesterday. So bad. I don't like it. What's the title?

I Need to Tell You Something? I think that's the title. I'm Going to Tell You a Thing. I don't know, something like that. That sounds like he tried to figure out a facsimile of like kind of gay slang yeah yeah let's have a key he was taken because like the only gay culture he ever probably consumed was glee absolutely and like so he's like this this is like gay right like yeah and it's like we already know you're gay like what do you what do you have to tell us bitch like you

what is there but i was reading i was reading like like one of uh like this article about chasta chasta was like talking about it like giving a comment on it and he was like you know i'm just i wanted to feel like it's me and a friend sitting down for a drink or grabbing a coffee you know i want the i want the reader to feel like you know i'm gonna say like boy do i have a story you're not gonna believe how i went to from showing steers in high school they're running for president with my husband in such a short period of time he wanted to be jackie oh so bad exactly. Max and I were talking about this earlier. This is explicitly written for straight white women

who are fans of Pete. But that exact sub-demographic. You're the only people stupid enough to not get that. Oh, that sentence just means that, okay, the CAA did something. You're not special, man. How did my small town governor mayor like how did my small town mayor husband end up running for president so quickly it's like yeah he's

because he has friends at the cia that's why i don't think jason knows yeah no he has no clue whatever fucking mormon ass sounding he probably has no idea he has no idea like it's very much uh um like uh one of those you know like you watch the americans and they're they're in it together uh yeah he's totally oblivious he's completely oblivious he has no no clue no clue chastin and pete's relationship is like the movie mr and mrs smith if like mrs smith was just like a gay guy be mr and mrs smith if like mrs smith was just like a gay guy right like from connecticut it's mrs and mrs smith but uh but it's just like the that there's there is the angelina jolie um and then and then there's i don't know who would who would be the the one of them or either of them no no no no they none of the you can't you can't

adapt the thing is like the idea like trying to bloodless exactly trying to adapt their their narrative into something entertaining on the screen would be impossible because they're not people i mean what they're what chastin is doing with this book is clearly he's trying to like tell his tell his story and like uh like ya novel kind of way you know what i mean yeah that's where it's like like yeah that's his reading level but like even like i was looking at the cover of it and it's in that font that so many ya novels are in yeah where it's like a paintbrush font and it's like it's it's those ya novels that are like ostensibly for like young adults but it's actually like 34 year old yeah women who are reading it it's like not it's like no teenagers reading the cover looks like it's

something that belongs in the scholastic uh yeah, yeah. I cannot wait for this book. It is going to be so fucking funny. It's going to be so good. Probably the first thing I'll ever read. Chasten's thoughts. We should do like a live read on it. Yeah, absolutely. You know, he got the deal too way before Pete dropped out. Yeah, he had to.

So it's supposed to be, yeah, that's the way publishing works. So it's definitely, I mean, it's ghostwritten, of course. But like it's supposed to have been a kind of release, a press release for, you know, a future first lady. Yes. Chasten wants to be, Nax and I were talking about this earlier. Chasten is like a trad wife. Like he just wants to be, he wants to be we're next we're talking about this earlier chastin is like a trad wife like he just wants to be yeah he wants to be the like and i totally you know i empathize with chast on that who doesn't want to just be a wife to a powerful man you know i've got i've after

core i'm just i'm just gonna sign up for an arranged marriage yeah i'm still fertile it's fine but yeah chastin just wants to be a jackie o like absolutely and i but he has no style he has no he doesn't have a big ass he doesn't have big titties no nothing yeah get out of here it's so funny i like his his heritage isn't even like impressive because like jackie o is like very greek right yeah she greek she's like His heritage isn't even Impressive Because Jackie O is very Greek Yeah she's Greek She's like Something that's apart from I'm a wasp

My parents can move her on the fucking Mayflower Or whatever I don't know That's the reason why she was ideal For the first Catholic president The first Mick president In the late 50s, early 60s, those people were ethnic.

And just because this is a woman who probably had to wax her unibrow, she was ethnic. Right. I mean, who would be a Jackie O-level gay? Does that even exist I need to work on that ass first yeah Max you can do it

do some squats well the week started out with Chasten releasing his or teasing his memoir then we got really insane entertainment weekly cover for pride which is just like it's so bad and it's so stupid Then we got a really insane Entertainment Weekly cover for Pride, which is just, like, it's so bad.

And it's so stupid because, like, who gives a fuck what Entertainment Weekly is doing? It's just, like, this cover was just, like, so, so psychotically out of touch. It was really fucking funny. It was, like, Ellen DeGeneres. It's, like, one of those, it was, like, a scene. It was, like, painted and it's, like, a bunch of different, like, celebrities mingling

together from like different time periods and stuff do you follow uh uh gay kate moss on on maybe maybe i don't know he's he's like a i mean aside from having a redundant name because gay kate moss is obviously gay uh he like i mean he's just a really good like kind of like arts curator and he recommends good movies and i think i just it's not like uh uh uh a social media phenom yet yeah yeah but you heard it here first okay um but he went on this fucking tirade about that like mural you know what it looks like here's what the thing is that i freaked out is that i was like this looks like when you go to one of those really tacky italian restaurants yes where they paint like pony soprano and like dogs playing poker and they put them all on the

wall together they put all the italian americans and they paint them in a you know or or like if you have like a like a caribbean laundromat that has one of those uh paintings where like alia tupac and all the rappers are in heaven together if that is what it looks like frank sinatra like eating out kim kardashian or something the iq level is even lower than that because like this this is at the level of like dogs playing poker like right artistic expression like that at least is like okay these people have it's topical like it works for the environment like it's it's uh you know a pure expression of what they believe in it's a thesis for their restaurant or whatever the fuck that you know wop you rolls in but like

this is just like so vapid and stupid like you see all these people that you know i don't even know i just there's like one guy there that i'm just like, Oh, I, you're just, you're just one of those select, like gay guys from the fifties who was like really hot, like a celebrity, a gay, like there, like there are so many of them.

And yeah. And it's like, or like Montgomery cliff or whatever. Definitely looking at this cover now. Cause I only looked at very briefly and I didn't realize it was an entertainment weekly cover at the time yeah i assumed that he had wandered into a gay restaurant uh he muraled it on the wall like like it was like the rat pack and like you know you know like when you go to those restaurants they're all just like all the italians yeah and like i didn't know it was on like this, EW. This is what they're going to paint on the wall, like, as a mural on the, you know,

on the Stonewall Inn when, like, some yuppie, like, buys it in 30 years. Yeah, when Jeff Bezos, like, buys it. When Jeff Bezos' Amazon buys it as a museum or something. The thing that, like, was most baffling about the mural was if you look by little Nas X's leg, there's a brick all of the stonewall brick we're getting some we're getting some brick representation up in here isn't it so

just oh god it's so exhausting it's by curious but that brick is a total boner dyke that brick is a that brick is a lesbian until graduation why do they do this to us so yeah i honestly i'm so happy pride was canceled but then i'm like oh no this is gonna this is just gonna make it so much worse because instead of like pride just being like one weekend where gay people never shut the hell up about this bullshit it's just gonna extend into like a three month long virtual like just marathon of a pride because no one can do it in person it's gonna be so degrading i hate pride and i was thinking today i'm like you know what although i gotta say we're both from small places i loved pride in indiana it was midwest pride is fun it was

wholesome and yes and you could have all of these like fucking old fucking farmers and overalls being like, yep, that's my son. And it was actually endearing and actually very sweet. It's charming. There is no point to pride in fucking New York or LA. Fuck off. Every day is pride. Who gives a shit?

Like, what the fuck? Why do you fucking need it? Why do you need it? What for? Pride is for middle America when it is true and heartwarming and adorable yeah well everything is exactly warming and adorable and but i was i was thinking you know like i'll just i'll make a guide for a safe pride at home you know i was thinking you know what what i can have the gays do just so we can i'm like you know let's not let's not extend this to a three month long fucking bullshit thing

let's still have one weekend where we can do pride all right everyone take out seven lines of credit one for each one for each color of the rainbow okay one of us you know you can just say something like guys i understand why we added the black and the brown stripes to the flag, but what about the white one? And then you can her back. You say, actually, look, I have borderline personality disorder. You can't get mad at me. That is pride. You can't get mad at me for treating you badly. That is, like, just really embody the gay urban experience. Just throw some poppers on your mattress or something.

Yeah. You know, like, get that smell going. Slam your head. Like when you moved here from Ohio, you had been burdened too much with shame. So instead, you decided to get rid of

not just shame, but guilt. So instead of like just being like, there's nothing wrong with my sexuality, you're like, actually everything I do

is morally defensible and become a sociopath. That is New York pride. Yes. Get it all done pride. Yes, yes. Get it all done in a weekend, honey. We can do it. We can do it from home. We can do it just ourselves.

You know, you can simulate the experience. Make your mom cry. Just do it. For no reason. Slam your head repeatedly in the door while listening to Charlie XCX's new album. And you can accomplish the brain damage at home without even having to drink okay please I'm begging you I'm begging you fucking faggots please stop

you're killing me snort a line of actual glitter that will cut into your lungs until you cough up blood that's like the people not having prides making gays go crazy there was some harvard

fag who was like my my biggest ambition i'm sorry yeah some harvard man he was like my biggest ambition is to become the first openly queer secretary of defense that triggered my response i am gonna fucking kill i am gonna kill myself i will kill myself and i will fucking oh my god it's like i feel like the world is conspiring like the gay the gay media world has just been conspiring against me as an individual this week i know i'm being dramatic but it feels like it's psyop to get me to kill myself it's horrible and it's getting worse and worse i want to um read a little bit from the genius minds. Yeah, the Bible.

This is now a conversion therapy podcast. From Leviticus about how you're repenting and you're not doing this anymore. No, from the other Bible we know as the New York Times. This was the pinnacle oh cute i like it the pinnacle of uh the just gay meltdown this week came from this in the new york before you start i just want to say you shared this with me a couple hours ago and i immediately like after reading the first paragraph was like okay i'm not i'm not gonna waste my time it made it has made me again want

to kill my kill myself like my my suicide note will literally just be a link to this article yeah yeah yeah i mean this this will be the the bibliography of my note. I only skimmed, but I like knew what it was. So I'm looking forward to your reading. It's actually like, it's really only like three paragraphs. Honestly. All right. Well, I mean, games have very short attention spans. It's like pages long, but it's really just this guy's scheduler.

He just, anyways, we'll'll get we'll start it so the title is the pandemic work diary of netflix's queer champion netflix's queer champion just beautiful and this is on a guy named um fran dorado who is like netflix's queer content uh ai the robot they built to to make these shows uh fran toronto is producing queer content and only queer content i i think by queer content they're they're queering content by making it annoying and unwatchable i think it's that we're queering entertainment by making it horrible again it is it is really getting into the queer spirit by uh calling its best female friend and saying something horrible to her and then being like you can't be mean to me i have borderline

personality disorder that's the entire absolutely it is it. Absolutely. It's that kind of gay person. This is a quote. I'm just so uninterested in making anything that is not for queer or trans audiences, he said. At Netflix, his job title is brand and editorial strategy lead for LGBTQ content. This means developing concepts for shows like I Like to Watch, in which two drag queens watch and talk about Netflix programming. Working with a group of content creators for the company's at most social channel and keeping tabs on promotional campaigns for shows and movies. And keeping tabs on promotional campaigns for shows and movies. He also has a podcast. We'll not be saying the name of the podcast.

No free clout. About sex identity and what we... About sex identity culture. What we like to read and who we like to read. There's a double entendre there. I don't know if you've seen Drag Race, but read... Man. Man, but read. Man. Man, oh man. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gone in my mouth. Okay. No thanks. This is the thing that kind of just threw me off. MX as a title, as opposed to Mr. or Mrs.? That's the part where I just completely gave up.

It's a non-binary title, but an X? But also, what's wrong with being a girl? Sorry. I subscribe also to the Iggy Pop kind of junkie attitude towards gender where he says, I don't think it's insulting to be called a woman because I don't think it's insulting to be called a woman because i don't think it's an insult to be a woman like literally what if what if maybe this stuff didn't matter and like for i think queers of a certain generation if they made it through the aids crisis they're looking at this shit they're like you guys like i can't like first of all all of my

friends died uh second of all, literally who cares? Got real problems. But also just like on a technical level, how do you say that? I'm sorry. I know. Not to sound like Donald Trump Jr. or something, but this is just stupid. When I first, I'm not even joking. When I first read this, I was like, Mexican?

Because like, actually, actually, that's really. It's like a Silicon Valley silicon valley like you know how like the apps just like remove the vowels of things like it's an app where you can order a day laborer they remove the vowels i was like wow that actually solves my gripe with claiming to be latino because latino is like a third of the world doesn't mean anything i think we should go by nationalities if we're gonna have to identify by anything like oh okay mexican toronto i now know that this is a mexican guy no i could be i could be w you know if i'm talking to a mexican so i can know what to stop paying attention i can be i can be wl for for white latino max you can be es for el salvadorian amber you can be N.A. for not available.

I'm going to be C.O. for conscientious objector to the identity of worse. Nice. Got him. They'll never get me. Mexican Torado, who previously worked in magazines, is the deputy editor of Out and the executive editor of the now defunct Hello, Mister. of the now defunct hello mister uh once split his time between new york and los angeles but it is but it is writing out the coronavirus um pandemic on the west coast wait they referred to him as it oh but is oh my god i i called him it is is writing out the coronavirus pandemic on the west coast trying to fabricate a kind of intimacy digitally with talent with our content is tough he said but no it's impossible fuck off you're disgusting for even like pretending like that that these

parasocial relationships are real and like i have been always completely upfront by the you know whatever it's cool that i get to keep people people entertained during their commutes or their gym days or whatever. But that's not real intimacy. It's a Netflix TV show. Like it's, it's a fucking, it's fucking Netflix. I don't know what to like,

okay, this is the fuck. This is the paragraph that literally just made me completely lose my mind when I read it. Because it is like the most, like it is like clinically psychopathic like there is zero empathy in this person queer and marginalized people are historically resilient and have a proven track record of thriving in the face of adversity pandemic and crisis i don't know what to tell you you know this is where this is where barbara aaron wright

comes in when she talks about like we would call like when she got diagnosed breast cancer and she's like you would call people survivors and she's like well what about the people who died of cancer what were they just not trying hard enough did they just not want it enough did you just not want to beat aids enough it's sick it is it's it is cruel and callous and it goes it gets worse mr and mexican toronto added i i know that we will come out of this i know that we will come out of this thing stronger than ever and it will be the most marginalized that lead the charge on creative ways we used our time and produced digitally despite it all. This is disgusting. No. No. No, no, no, no. The most marginalized

will fucking die. Like by definition I don't know what this metric is but like by definition being marginalized, being excluded from the resources you need to fucking survive, you're gonna fucking die in a pandemic. Also, you're not marginalized. You work for Netflix netflix yeah this is

like you have the most bush wall lifestyle the thing that no one is talking about in new york is that like a lot of the not a lot but a few like high profile like nightlife people who have died and it's an unspoken thing because you don't want to out someone's like you know status or whatever they're like oh he seems so young and healthy and it's like well yeah they were immunocompromised yeah because now the drugs are really good and you can live a full life but it's still it's still like you still can't like handle a fucking disease that coronavirus like fucking bullshit like, this really disgusting like twee embrace

of like suffering you don't experience and have not experienced. We are going to win socialism. We're going to win this. We're going to win that. We're going to win the other. The triumphalism

is obscene and absurd and frankly like cruel to the people who like fall. You know? And there's no consideration to the fact like there are still gay guys

who have AIDS or trans people or queer people who have aids or hiv i should say who are like at a great risk for this guy's still like trying to like fit to the uh like fit to the schedule that they had outlined like six months ago or whatever by big wigs and in this like like basically in in uh you know debbie geffen's pool or whatever the most marginalized being concerned with finding ways to digitally create a produce but no literally trying to find a way to uh make rent and like buy food and for their medication. Not blog. I'm sorry. This is what happens

when everything is just totally flattened and you can only view everything as a source to produce content. It's sick. This gets a little better. Have you read the little sting that comes right after that? After this um he

says we've already seen so much of it and it's just going to get better no it's not retard no it's not go to fuck off go to cal and lord right now watch people have to socially distance while they get their fucking anti-retro virals like fuck off also just like how ahistorical is this queer and marginalized people are historically resilient and have a proven track record of thriving in the face of it for no no so many people died i mean i'm like it's it's this thing i i get what he's trying to say he's trying to say you know he's making a cultural argument where he's like because there's been there's been so much adversity and oppression we've had to find brilliant ways to be creative as a that's why it's cool when it happens to us it doesn't matter that's not even true though like

the guess what aids killed some of the coolest it's like it killed all the cool ones fran was right man it killed all all of the content creators of the time who were making anything fucking good. It killed an entire class. You saw a fucking Keith Haring shirt at an Urban Outfitters and were like, wow, AIDS must have been so,

the culture must have been so vibrant. Yeah, that's what it's done. It's all the people who are- 120 BPM or whatever. Yeah. You think this is gonna, there's like, oh, there's all the people who are- Like 120 BPM or whatever. Yeah. Well, you want- You think this is gonna- It's like, oh, there's gonna be a new style of voguing

that comes out of COVID that I can write a Netflix show about. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. God. Fuck art. I wanna live.

Fuck off. I'm sorry. You know what makes good art? All of the good artists not dying. Yeah, being able to live to make it. Not having to have seven jobs. I have a friend who is like in his 50s, and for the longest time I assumed he was gay

because he always had extra theater and ballet tickets and he would give them to me when I could never afford them or whatever. And he got a girlfriend, and I was like like i don't know you like ladies michael this isn't michael cavatius he's definitely clearly yeah um and he was like um he was like well i didn't i didn't used to do all of this culture stuff he's like but my best friend like died in i think the early 90s and he was one of those New York, you know, doyens of culture. And he's like, I don't know. Like, he didn't have a total, like, comprehensive way of describing it.

But basically, he was like, there were all these people who were largely excluded from conventional society so you know they were drawn to the arts which is a place where they could sort of exist peripherally and create um uh you know like a a space for themselves and you know a culture industry and etc yeah and they they were professional they were they professionalized having good taste and they got good at it because it is a thing that you have to like work at and pay attention and follow things and he's like and when my friend died i realized like my friend that i had that like told me like what was happening in you know chelsea and what was happening in theater was like gone he's like so i developed this weird obsessive habit of like well i want to keep up with this stuff because there's this entire generation of people who were professional tastemakers.

And I don't mean that in a disgusting, cool hunting internet way. Like there was a whole, like the word dilettante is considered an insult now. But the true meaning of dilettante is that there were people who sampled things and had fucking... It was a craft. It's a craft. They had a craft and they developed that. Professional fans. All those people fucking died over the span of 10 to maybe even 15 years.

And now we have this. We have this fucking faggot. We're left with wicked dregs. faggot. Just totally revisionist. Smoothing over all the material circumstances that led to hundreds of thousands of queer people dying in the

AIDS crisis to just say, you know what, guys? Keep making that piping hot content for me. It is so cruel and callous. He has no empathy, no understanding of his own history.'s a marketing sick it's marketing it's a brand this is just it's this is again i keep remaking this like uh the

meme of like kim people are dying like literally it just keeps it keeps like it keeps you can just keep remaking it over and over again this So this person clearly leads a bourgeois lifestyle and only has bourgeois concerns. He goes on to prove that by going through his entire fucking week, day by day, with timestamps, updating us. He livestreams his week for the new york times essentially for the record definitely so like patrick bateman yeah literally i said he's he's he's queer patrick bateman well like just you can't even dispute that but yeah so i i i'm not

going to go through all seven days of this one quick point okay like the thing the thing he's saying is like oh well this is gonna this is gonna force or this is gonna help queer people be to find more creative ways to produce content or whatever if that's true you are leading the life of like the most cis most white man because you're producing shit your life has not changed at all you're not being creative you're fighting you're doing fucking nothing totally unaffected yeah you're a netflix motherfucker oh god okay so the first the first entry here monday 6 45 a.m imagine psycho imagine getting up that early and 6 45 a.m getting up has been difficult normally i'm awake a little earlier but to go to a to go to a 7 a.m exercise class down the street where i pay

hot australians to yell at me while i do circuit training that gym is obviously closed so i lie in bed like a swollen burrito ha ha ha you're so fucking funny diana ross it's my house is the alarm blasting from my google home and it jeers with irony like you you also he googled pride playlist to find out he just like went to spotify and like typed in discord okay that's the first thing yeah he almost went with you make me feel mighty real but he figured it was too i want to dance with somebody boy i just want to produce content with somebody i don't think this guy i don't think this guy cares about sylvester he's not he's not cultured enough um so one funny thing here let me see um talks this day talk he talks to ryan murphy he talks oh he's name dropping of course yeah

he's name dropping ryan murphy did i ever tell you this is detailed like i'm gonna name drop now do it uh my mom went to high school with ryan murphy damn go on and i was like because i was telling her like i like this show and she like, I went to high school with him. He's a Hoosier boy. Nice. And I was like, what was that? It was a big Malcolm, huge, like, busing, et cetera, high school. So it had just a ton of people in it.

And I'm like, well, were you, like, around him? And she's like, yeah, he was, like, a little older than me. And I'm like, what was he like? around him and she's like yeah he was like a little older than me and i'm like what was he like she's like well we didn't know what gay was but he was he was really fancy she's like but he was very popular everyone liked him and we knew he didn't want a girlfriend which i think is the cutest way that's very sweet yeah yeah she yeah. Sure. We all liked it. He was really nice and creative, and everyone liked him,

and he didn't want a girlfriend, which I think is, like, a cute... Kind of the polar opposite, like, bringing it back to our Patreon. We watched Love, Simon, and, like, Simon was, like, the very opposite of that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. What was Love, Simon like? Okay, I don't want to derail this too much it was you're gonna want to listen to the episode pretty funny okay um it was it was such a stupid movie let's go on it's a really really yeah like amazing movie um we can pick it back up he named jobs ryan ryan murphy he uh references his quote-unquote core team um He FaceTimes his partner in New York. Who he definitely doesn't have sex with. Otherwise you would get over there.

Otherwise, otherwise he'd be calling him his boyfriend. Cause this guy is, is a he, they right. This. Who fucking. And this other guy is a cis guy.

I don't know. Who fucking. What's your business calling you calling this guy a partner? I know gay guys can call each other partners. I think it's not sexy. Lesbians can. I don't think gay guys should. Gay guys can't pull it off.

It's definitely lesbians to claim. It's lesbians, law firms, and tennis doubles. There's a huge overlap there. The Venn diagram. Everyone else just say boyfriend. It's cute. This one proves this is... 7.15 p.m.

After showering, it's time to make a tomato galette? Galay? Galane? I don't know how to pronounce this thing. Galane. It's pronounced Galane. Okay, tomato galane i don't know how to pronounce this thing it's pronounced okay tomato i have perfected the flaky basic pastry almost after a decade of practice i used to be a flaky basic pastry i used to be obsessed with making pies after my first viewing

of waitress oh god um god fuck he talks about having a meeting to discuss the new queer eye trailer which i gotta say i gotta say is actually really funny that he mentions that as someone who is so into uh the cultural nuances of intersectionality and decolonializing whatever etc etc this queer eye trailer featured the queer eyes as uh the founding fathers on the mayflower so yes great great metaphor literally a bunch of like psychotic religious slave owning genocide on their way to like they're going to genocide all the straight people i don't know i just it's like the fashion advice on this season it wasn't even that yet they weren't even like plantationers so like the Mayflower

like the people who came over on that were a psychotic religious cult of people who were too crazy that England was just like okay

we won't get the fuck out of here we have to leave and it wasn't even until like those people like you know half of them died

of like I don't know the sniffles because they're, like, Boston. Cool. Let's live here. And, like, that, like, people were, like, oh, there are all these dumb rubes. And also, did you know we could, like, own people over here? Like, the founding, the Mayflower, the people on the Mayflower were even more psychotic than the founding fathers because they believed god was talking you know what they were the family from the fucking witch they believed in black philips but it was like it was like both of them was all the queer eyes one of them was a founding father on the mayflower so it's just like that's not even how his whatever

it's it's just for the stunt but it's also saying but it's like if if this is this just shows that like he this person believes none of what these you're just completely just speaking this language for no fucking reason so you can have your job they like the sound of it this is like this shows that this is just like a professional language like this is a workplace language you know what i mean okay um fuck me what else is in here um he talks about his schedule his busy busy schedule he uh he shames himself for eating a burger and being a fatty um and it ends with this the same kind of like bullshit triumphalism that's just like we're all gonna be okay and it's gonna be so amazing when we're out of this oh god kill myself back to normal we're all gonna go to to uh a shitty restaurant in the upper east side we're gonna share you know keep the same key to do bumps of coke and and uh you know like harass our female waiter and like call her

fat or whatever behind her back and then uh you know order fries for the table it's so evil and would it surprise you to know of course not but this guy was a big warren gay of course right huge warren gay yeah i just it just makes me want to like harry carry myself when i see that these are people who are like i'm speaking for the gay community he did this fucking thing for this picture right he has a ring on that says anal and he's a ring gay oh god yeah the ring says he keeps threatening anytime he gets really sad he's a ring gay oh god yeah the ring says how he keeps threatening anytime he gets really sad he's like i'm gonna become a ring gay i'm gonna do it i'm like i will not let you do that i just at that point you have to like just report them to the kuwaiti police and then have them

handle it god like it's it's too late for you to help them now but i don't know like i also too because i just think there's something so cynical about all of this shit because it's like who falls under this rubric is so permeable and right now gay men are back because like they have a little bit of a um they've carved their way into media uh the trans people were hot for a while they're sort of like bringing them back but they they don't run anything they were like a subject you know yeah i mean this this shows it i mean this shows that mentality which is like total absence of lesbians where are the fucking bags where are my girls where are my fucking girls but i mean no one cares about them and let's be perfectly honest the only competent people who could possibly get us out of this and they have like

like we're gonna die if there isn't at least like one lesbian like running things and no one gives a shit because there's nothing glamorous about like lesbian culture yeah and it just this just shows like another a fucking example i mean it's so obvious that all of this shit is just just completely fake it's just a scaffolding for them to like you know balance their own careers or whatever but this this obsession with like the most hyper marginalized as if you as you only value those people insofar as they're going to like create content for you you don't care about the people who've died because they're living on the margins whatever they're dead they can't make the money. None.

It's just, it just makes me want to, it makes me want to gouge my eyes out. It's so depressing. It's depressing. And give me Chasten, please put fucking, just put Chasten in charge of this shit.

He's not even, he's not even fucking like cynical enough to, to do this kind of this bullshit. Just give us a little knife in the woods yeah he's a sweet little lamb he's a bambi you know yeah he has no idea that uh he's married to a cia i love that bit that's so funny yeah he has no fucking clue he has no no idea sweet little sweet little piggy Chasten. That's all I've got for this shit.

I can't. Just throw in the towel? I'm throwing in the towel on this one. I think we're at an hour. This shit's going to make me jump off the balcony. This entire week has been incredibly psychotic. Amber, thanks for coming on. Oh, no problem uh i saw a child did you ever see the um it's called the orphanage or el orfanato it's like a spanish horror movie no um so it's like it's it's very like cool and scary and it

makes you jump creepy children way which like nothing is creepier than children yeah but there's like naturally there's like a child that's like disfigured that wears like a sack over their head which is like scary as shit and today i was walking down the street and there was a child that didn't have a uh mask but had a full like like bag over their head and i was like that's horrifying i would like to die now that's so horrifying die and this happened just like a few days after i watched like a three-year-old's birthday party in von king park and she was like this pretty little girl with like a little little birthday hat on and they had like a little cake for her and she was completely

alone because they had to socially distance and she was wearing a mask and I was like, I want to die. I want to die. I mean, at that point, just fucking just have that birthday party in your house.

They have to do this shit. You're making it worse. It's like I said with like the Mickey Mouse gas mask, you're making it worse it's like i said with like the mickey mouse gas mask you're making it worse take the nine volt battery out of the smoke detectors and just like blow the candles out indoors man who cares yeah you've got a good piece in in damage but you know it's that relates to this yeah it's like this idea it's like actually everything's like great and this is an opportunity and it's's like, no, this is bad. Just because they don't show us the body bags on TV doesn't mean they're still fucking there.

Only acknowledging that... No, I mean, I see... I'm sorry, I'm not trying to bring down the fucking... No, I'm there. But I live across the street from a senior housing project, and I'm not saying the ambulance comes every day but you'll be walking by and they'll be taking someone's grandma or grandpa out and it's like uh like my friend fucking texted me and he's really nice guy and thank god he's cool

because he's like hey i liked your article and damage it was really great how are you doing and i'm like i'm surrounded by death yeah but thank you and and he was like yeah no i get it he was good cool with it he got it but i was like i don't know how this isn't cool like this is not you have to be this isn't content you have to be a zero empathy fucking psycho to like acknowledge that it's a crisis only insofar as that it's like going to like a source of motivation for your your fucking content it's like the people who are like oh trump's gonna make trump's gonna make comedy great yes exactly gonna make yeah well trump is trump is the greatest living comedian well yes yes but he didn't make comedians better. No, exactly. He just raised the bar for everyone. He just showed

everybody how unfunny they each are. There are a few different senior project housings within a few blocks of my place. And not only do you see the ambulances outside of them, you see sometimes total bedroom, kitchen, living room sets of large furniture

just out on the curb. You know what, Amber? Maybe that's just someone setting up a set for their play. You don't know. Amber, you're being really negative right now someone's just being someone's finding a creative way to produce during a pandemic this is like a peanut boush

kind of choreography production I am surrounded by death fuck all of these people so much let's end on that note because I think that really just,

no, no, that hammers at home. I mean, that's exactly the point of this shit. Fuck you. Fuck Netflix. You just, oh God. Fuck any product that isn't in a small town. Yeah, literally. Oh oh one last note if anyone is um amber we have another

co-host named shock my friend shock who didn't join us today um he had a an emergency gumbo accident and not sure what that means but he is he's incapacitated for the for the time being wait are creoles latino yeah yeah sure why not uh no they probably are though we've we've got

we're latinx we've got a cajun on the on the show now um yeah i mean look if i can be within the envelope look as as a melungeon, I accept all weird racial isolates. And yeah. All right. Thanks, guys. All right. Thank you. Baby, here we are alone at last. Together, just the two of us with no one else inside. Oh, baby, I'm on my tight ball Come on, honey Meet your mother at a prison I'll die when I've been missing Ooh, baby There's so much I wanna say

But when I try to speak I find my thoughts all slip away Ooh, baby I don't think my heart can stand A second more away from you So come on, take my hand, oh yeah The time is right for love, right now Come on, honey, it's one in a million

By now that I'm feeling missing Ooh, baby We could turn the lights down low And find some sweet movie music On the radio Oh, baby Let's not waste this precious time Let's take a trip to paradise

And leave the world behind. Oh, yeah. The time is right for love. Right now. I'm uptight for love. Come on, honey. It's not an application. Right now.

Find out what I've been missing. The time is right for love. And I'm uptight for love. Need some hugging and a kissing. Find out what I've been missing. The time istight for love Need some huggin' and a kissin' Find out what I've been missin' The time is right for love