Seeking Derangements - SD 142 - Watermelon Salad

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

It's a Ben and Hesse solo special!!!!! don't worry we found jacques and zir is safe although zi are speaking fluent cantonese and only fluent cantonese so get ready for that. Song ID's are coming please direct all hate towards Hesse as she forgot to send the ID's also for the record I liked the merzbow additions I just wasn't sure how it would play here. I'm sorry for doubting you guys. Thanks so much for subscribing and listening it means the world to us all.

Thank you. Hello Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Seeking Derangements. It is just me and Hessa today. Jock is missing, but we're not really going to talk about that. They're missing. If you see them, call the cops or something. No, they are asleep. They slept in. Sleeping in a basement somewhere.

Someone's basement. They were captured. They're being human trafficked. Sleeping in a gutter. They're sleeping in a freaking gutter. I just stopped. I took a break from mulching my mother's lawn to record this podcast. What are you up to today?

Freaking hedonist on pedophile Island. You freaking coastal elite sicko. First of all, someone, the like tree outside my apartment got mulched the other day. And I was like, Oh, I love the smell of like,

I love that mulch. Yeah. That mulch, mulchy, mulch smell. I love rubbing myself in it and going up to women and being like, don't I smell manly? Don't I smell like I work? And then they're like, I guess. And then you cancel them for misgendering you. You smell like a worker.

Well, I love, I love love coming i'm back in iowa i love coming back to iowa and um to all of my friends on the uh east coast and big cities i love to be like everyone here looks like wally they have ginger facial hair disgusting and to all of my friends in iowa i love being like yeah the real pedophile island was manhattan those sick fucks they they want to they want to nuke the place they hate everyone who doesn't look like them you sent me a classic like playing both sides he's a picture of three guys in the airport and you were like i hated those they're talking about going to the store no no they were talking about going to the store you're like i'm gonna throw up they all have red hair it was four men standing in a circle at the airport like little

children like waiting for their mothers to pick them up standing there they all had ginger facial hair and like they like hats and they were like the margarita factory was fucking sick man oh my god they went to a margarita factory gross sorry i was i was having a bit of a i was having a bit of a body fascist moment at the chicago airport brett easton ellis yeah i was like these fucking what are these rolling around the ghost of brett easton ell possess you. R.I.P. Literally. Did you hear about that? Did you hear what happened to Brett Easton Ellis?

He died. Yeah. He died. I broke the news. Rip Brett Easton Ellis. He got run over by a combine. All of the men he's called fat pigs. They descended on la with combines they chewed up his house yeah um but yeah no i was fun it's nice it is very wholesome my friend my friend is preggy one of my lifelong best friends a girl a girl i guess what dated in

high school i was the first one to tap that oh my god you got her pregnant what if I went up to her her boyfriend who's having her baby and I was like oh I see you're cleaning up my sloppy seconds cause I kissed this girl like a faggot

once in high school hey there Eskimo brother you trying to high five her how do my nuts taste When you kiss her It's like 10 years later It just fit like 15 years ago And I'm the gayest man Coming back from New York City

What do my nuts taste like brother I'm still wiping that pussy juice off my dick. I'll basically touch your baby before you as it comes out because I've been in deeper. Those disgusting penis things. This poor man. It's basically mine. Look at the gayest guy. it's basically mine gay it's guy but I'm excited for her to have the baby

I feel like I'll be I'll get I don't know I haven't asked her yet but I feel like I'll get some official position in the official position I'll be appointed to some kind of it's like she's starting a band and you're like i don't know i think i mean she knows i'm really good at the drums and i uh literally i'm really i'm really

good at um being an abs i'll be an absent godfather i feel like that'd be a good role for me yeah be a godfather the godfather you know i'll milk that for all it's worth yeah how'd you're talking i'm a godfather you're talking about god i'm expecting godfather i'm literally in charge of the baby's spiritual development but go off literally yeah but go off i guess maybe i've never met and we'll see like three years my life um well i i spent the entire day with my family um getting yelled at for saying things like i don't dip my food it's not a dip it's a schmear okay we're calling it a spread oh i'm not dipping my entire my entire extended family took turns shooting me in the head because I said, wow, the sodas here are so big. Sodas are huge.

Do you have any of the four-ounce Diet Cokes? I'd love to drink my Diet Coke out of a thin bowl. Do you have Coke Zero here yet? Keep asking that. Have you guys gotten Coke Zero yet? Has that made it over here? Pretending that my family, who lives in like a pretty a

mid-sized midwestern city is like amish oh yeah you guys got electricity oh my god there's some power outages what oh my god you're like check look at this look at this like you can just go on youtube it's called youtube and you type in whatever it's called youtube it's called youtube showing you type in whatever it's called youtube it's called youtube showing them like what a laptop is it's called we do a little youtube so mean they hate me i do i do get i do become a complete elitist whenever i'm back in the midwest you should show up one time wearing like google glass with like my god there's mulch in my eye there's mulch in my eye that's why i need my google glass

yes king it's okay keep going it'll i'll just stand a multi-eyed queen i'll cry enough that it'll fall out oh my god keep going i'll cry enough. Go ahead. Keep going. I'll just cry. I'm just going to cry. You know, if I come with Google Glass. Every once in a while, like if I'm laying down a certain way, my left eye will just start to cry and it just won't stop. So you can see I'm tearing up.

It's because my family isn't meeting me today. You look so... Wait, open your eyes. Oh, oh wait i don't want to risk getting my mic unplugged i was gonna take a screenshot if i go downstairs i'd be like guys it's called soda not pop please please stop calling it pop i can't take it anymore they're called pill bugs or not potato bugs. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said,

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I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said,

I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said,

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I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, please please guys you have to stop okay i took my contact out okay i took my contact out and i put it into a oh my god this is a medium iced coffee okay it's as big as my head for the freaking medium for the people at home ben just took out i didn't know they were colored contacts

stop your eyes are dark brown i wish i wish i had dark brown eyes i hate having blue eyes i'm so i am so self-conscious about my big beautiful blue eyes i'm like whenever i whenever i look i truly do avoid eye contact with people because i can tell in certain lighting that i look like the miley meme if the miley meme robbed gas stations for fun and it's because I have such insane blue eyes and pale skin as Jock would say although she's too busy being

fat to be here the color it's amazing you can kind of say whatever he literally does not listen to the podcast but i have such dark hair such bright beautiful blue eyes i'm just like like really just like you're staring at someone it's like hardcore sometimes the male version of the miley meme it's it's a guy named who's in a mugshot named cyrus miley and it's your face me when i'm drunk yeah okay i'm so worried i'm to lose my contact in this giant ice.

Isn't this, this is a medium. You, did you put your contact in there? Yeah. I had to put it somewhere. I didn't want to make you edit. Whatever.

I was at the store the other day. Also being a heinous bitch to my friend, Alison. She was like going around the grocery store shopping. And I was like, Oh no, K-Tree's a scam. K-Tree's a fucking scam. She was like looking shopping, and I was like, oh, no, cage free is a scam. Cage free is a fucking scam.

She was looking at eggs, and I was like, no, no. They just put them in big warehouses. That's all it means. They're just in one big cage. Oh, my God. We're all in a cage if you think about it. Have you ever heard of Foucault? Everything's a prison.

The only eggs that are really good for you Are prison free eggs Do you want to talk about eggs Allison? Oh my god not eggs again Not eggs again But it is true Allison you would be a handsome man A handsome gentleman

There must be a different one Trans men should have a different thing than egg. They should have like nut. Yo, that's really good. Right? And I just thought of that. Crack their nut. Crack their nut.

Oh my God. That's a new slang. Is that? Did we? We just invented something. Look at the things I do for the trans community. Oh my God. Do you know all the work I put in for the trans community?

Oh my God. I can say the trans community. Do you know the work I put in for the trans community? Oh my God. I can say the T word now. You can say the T word. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it. True love, which is what I feel for the trans community. What about that, bitch? What about that, you stupid fan?

Beep! Beep Beep Um no I mean nut is really good I cracked some nuts today Yeah That's so good I'm gonna start saying that

We have to popularize that No we have to Who's in nut Who Okay who's in nut who okay who's it not it's like a butch lesbian no i know is there a famous nut we can think of ellen no ellen is ellen is the queen of the lesbians that's exactly so true she's such a toxic classic lesbian she's yeah um she doesn't just call the manager she executes the manager with one markov shot to the back of

the head like pushes her gay interns on a flight of stairs for getting oat milk instead of almond milk yeah which queen which we love um okay well we'll have to think of some nuts we'll get back to you guys about nuts i'm trying to think. Demi might be a nut. I think Demi's taking the classical nut path. No, Demi is she again. Really? Demi put they, she in her bio. We're completely in the clear to gender Demi as she.

I know. What a fucking relief. I was so worried. I know. We're completely fine to gender Demi as she, they. She also made a statement about it where she was like, I can't hide my femininity. She was literally being like,

I'm too beautiful of a woman to be they. Well, she literally looks like a chola. No, I mean, her pronoun should be de mamacita. De chica. Isn't she? Because her mom is named something. Her name should be like Paco. She's Native American. She's not Native American.

That's just the thing she said in the show. No, she's like from New Mexico. She's like part Native. She's like some substantial part Native American. I don't think so. Okay, well, I am. So you're telling me I'm not and I am? Demi's mom is named

Diana de la Garza. So she's Latina. Maybe she's like a mezito or something. Who knows? She slays. Okay, I have something to bring you, one of my favorite things that I've seen recently. This is my favorite pride thing that I've seen so far one second oh my god i got i got come and go water all over my laptop you got come all over your laptop you know i'm gonna mute out and go

water all of the gas stations in the midwest are just named like suck and fuck pump and dump quaker steak and lube literally it's it's like the horniest places in america are gas stations in the midwest and people fuck in them i you know gay guys are fucking in them for sure absolutely for sure 100 okay i've got what oh go ahead no yo yo no it was stupid no you said i was it was stupid. No, you said one time. I was going to say one time my friends and I, one time my friends and I went into a 7-Eleven. It's not stupid, Hessa. This is a safe space.

In eighth grade, my friends and I went into 7-Eleven and we took like weed, like we took weed and put it in peanut butter and put it on crackers and we put it in the microwave at 7-Eleven and we turned it on. So you made like an immigrant woman's job much harder that day.

Because she didn't clean up on it. We got yelled at. You destroyed a woman's day. No, it was a man. It was a man. He's probably a nut. It's a job for a nut. A nut if I've seen one.

Okay, I've got this for you today. Shailene Woodley is a nut. Shailene Woodley. Yeah, Shailene Woodley. I can see her being a nut. Brie Larson I can see being a nut. I'll be honest. Just because she's so...

You know she'd be one of those trans guys who's just like... Like so, so annoying. You know, she'd be like be like and yeah i'm pregnant yeah i feel like that's a psyop every trans guy i know would like literally rather kill himself than be pregnant so i think the birthing bodies thing is like so insane and it's like i've got something funnier for you here okay go ahead go ahead. Go ahead. Burger King ad prompts apology after quote unquote Pride Whopper campaign features burgers with top and bottom buns. It is one of the funniest Pride things I've probably ever seen.

And like there was more of this this Pride season. Like Uber Eats did a like bottom friend or it was Postmates or whatever. They did like a bottom friendly menu which is funny um but this one is by far this is the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life because it's just like let's get into it um so and it's funny because it was in austria but burger king is it austria or australia austria oh my god it would make sense if it's australia because they're like kind of like epic millennial country they are kind of like americans stupid like i feel like they all the gay people there in a camp somewhere and we just don't talk

about it no all of the gay people there are fucking heinous freaks i'm sure the gays there are so bad i have some friends there i have some friends there. I have some friends there. They're not in the crowd. Well, all my friends there are trans besides you. There's others. I know some Australian trans. Okay. Burger King Austria is trying to work its way out of a whopper

of a PR gaffe. The fast food chain's advertising agency issued a... What publication is this that you're reading? This is Insider, Business Insider.

It's a real hard-hitting business insider. Who knows? This is the Washington Post. this is the wash the washington post the new york times this is reuters this is a reuters dispatch this is just coming in through on the ap wire right now this is actually this is actually an art forum article um the fast food advertising agency issued an apology on sunday for a much ridiculed tone-deaf marketing campaign announcing the quote-unquote pride whopper a burger served with two matching buns that's like first of all my iconic instantly

jumps wait they were actually selling this yes if you order the pride whopper you would okay never mind I'm completely pop buns which just just could just when it comes to like the construction of a hamburger or just when it comes to something being like aesthetically appealing two top buns you just have like an egg-shaped burr it's disgusting no okay now because when i'm looking at the ad the first thing obviously that comes up to me is that it's like there's two tops and then there's two bottoms which is like yeah it's exactly it doesn't make you never it's like you didn't even ask any gay people because but now that i'm thinking about it now that if if now that i know they

were actually selling this bottom on bottom sex and top yeah it's called lesbian gays do it gays do it it's their side if you're like it. Gays do it. There's side. If you're like a side. Well, I guess then you're a side. You're not a top or bottom. A side? You've never heard of side? No, I've never heard of side.

Guess what side is. What side? Guess. Oh, that's like you non-penetrative. Yes. And? And. yes and and i mean we're we're just non-penetrative is anything but sex did you um one of my favorite agonist tweets was um she tweeted um it was something like ask her is the sex normal or lesbian she replies that what does that mean it's lesbian um no sides is just like jacking off an extra guy oh okay it's like laying side by side

okay but okay different thing about lesbian sex have you ever read that i I think it was a Gallup survey that they were trying to figure out how long each LGBTQ spends lovemaking. Longest? You already know. Trans women. No, lesbians. Oh, really? Trans women.

I can't be lesbians. I think, I think, sorry, this, I think the T Ts were left out of this one. Because, like, trans women, I mean, they probably, maybe within lesbians, trans women have the longest sex, but lesbians led the pack. It was like an hour and a half. I've gone longer than that before. On average. For sure. For sure. It's like, what are you doing i mean there's breaks

they're just like i feel like a lot of lesbian sex is just like looking at each other though a lot of it is like you're done you're like all right now we're done for real and then like 10 minutes later we gotta stop man actually never mind let's go again let's keep going yeah it seems like it'd be i'm not gonna lie it's lesbian sex seems kind of boring sorry no it's fun it's beautiful well something i'll never experience so i'm just gonna tell myself it's boring you can experience it just transition and watch it and get yeah so you're trying to crack you're trying to crack my egg trying to tell me i'm an egg i've had people i've had girls i've had dolls do that to me before and i'm just like bitch like gay guys still like i'm just gay

like you are never oh my god i would rather kill myself i think i look like i'm a fucked up freak you think i want to mutilate my body um but okay i'll tell you why okay go ahead i'll tell you why i've switched around on this burger because now i'm like thinking i'm thinking about the possibilities the implications of you know you're in austria you're a you're a bottom and you're looking for someone you know there's a top short and famously you're no you're looking you're on the street and you have your bottom only whopper as to like signal and you see a handsome guy who has like a top only whopper. And then you switch,

and then you switch each other's buns. No, no. And then you go, fuck. That's like how you sit. It's like the scarves in the back pocket. Well,

for an ad, that would be amazing if you had, okay. I'm thinking of an Austrian Burger King pride ad. It's like the, the biggest bottom you've ever seen in your life. He's, he's,

he's, he's skipping down the sidewalk so fast. It looks like he's levitating. It's Jacques. No, not Jacques. It's like an anorexic twink holding a burger That's the size of his head And it's the bottom buns And he's levitating

And he's wearing like 30 pounds of jewelry And a really flowy tank top And little little little shorts That you can only see an inch of He's wearing shorts that are an inch long okay and he's like my bottom buns and then you see a top the guy who looks like a lumberjack looks he was raised by wolves he's um he's chewing up the cement in front of him instead of walking he's like building a trench for himself and then they pass each other and he's holding the top burger and

the bottom's holding the bottom burger and they're both complaining about how disgusting it is and then they switch each other's buns they do a little exchange and then they have the perfect burger and then they eat it together yeah okay see my mind would be a beautiful pride ad well i think i love that i love the direction you went with it i love that he's floating at the beginning it adds a magical realist element to it but what i would do is the divine feminine mama played totally straight just like the cruising scene and cruising so they're in a they're in a dark room no no they're in the one that's under the bridge in central park that's like near the brambles. Remember where he Al Pacino's like under the bridge and like it's like four. It's like three and a half minutes. It's like an amazing scene. But like it's like three and a half minutes of like total silence of just like guys like walking past each other and like cruising each other. And it's that. But they're all just eating burgers.

Like disgustingly but they all have this specific they're signaling with their top button yeah exactly exactly that makes sense i would love but the bottoms and then it shows um instead of a murder at the bottom like shits all over because they just ate a whopper before yeah they paint well i was thinking i thought it'd be so funny i was like okay if i were a part of this ad agency you know also their apology was so funny because they were just like whoopsies they're like we made a mistake though but what i would do is i would have i would have the bottom meal at Burger King and you just go up and you're like, I'd love the bottom meal. And they give you a bag that has the burger box in it.

It has a fry box in it, soda, everything, but it's all empty. There's no food you can't eat. And then people get really mad at Burger King and I would just go, sorry. And wink. And then I would say, we're tweaking the meal. We're going to change it.

We're so sorry for the mistake. And then I would just include a douche. Just throw a douche. Throw a rag. Clean yourself up yeah yeah yeah that's like you disgusting bottoms why are you trying to eat um okay so let's see here the ad their apology is really funny um let's read jung jung von matt done now the german, the German agency that worked on the campaign for Burger King Austria. Wait, I need to see how it's spelled. It's J-U-N-G, Von, V-O-N, Matt, M-A-T-T, D-O-N-A-U.

Nazi? It's that literally, have you ever seen it? It's literally, this is going to sound sound bad but it's literally one of the funniest videos ever and it's called top 100 worst nazis um and it's like an upbeat like techno beat like and it's um just a bunch of a slideshow a bunch of pictures of nazis while this like robot voice reads increasingly like made up in german like names and it's like jungman vata now the german agency that worked on the campaign for Burger King Austria, wrote a LinkedIn post, which is so funny to apologize in a LinkedIn post.

Yeah. Oh, my God. They wrote that they didn't check well enough with the community members on different interpretations of the Pride Whopper. Different interpretations. They didn't hold community meetings about various interpretations of the pride walk it's so funny because it's like that literally is just like oh they don't have a single gay person yeah or like they literally have or the gay person they have actually no this is

what i think is really what's going on they have a gay person there who is incredibly cunning and smart and realizes that like getting canceled is kind of the best having having like a viral mistake like this is kind of the best organic advertising because so many people talk about it and it's hilarious becomes a meme and it's ultimately pretty in offense like it's not someone's actually going to be that mad about this you know yeah um the intended message of the pride whopper was to spread equal love and equal rights oh my god the post reads our strongest concern is if we offended members of the lgbtq community with this campaign if this is the case we truly apologize i just i love i just like the layers

here like we meant to spread equal love and equal rights with it with the two top bun burger whopper we're so sorry we failed to spread love um in in exchange we'll be changing our name to burger queen it was a burger faggot we're changing our name to burger faggot sorry we we didn't meet we didn't have sufficient of meetings with the community members to realize that the name burger faggot was not acceptable come get your burgers faggot they should literally just that would be that's what i would if i ran an ad i would i would love to run an ad agency so bad it'd be so so funny. Just like Don Draper in a meeting with Burger King.

It's just like, okay guys. You have to call them faggots. We have to say... Gays love being degraded. Have you ever seen this video? He plays like 20 minutes of gay porn. They love it. They love being degraded.

Come get your burgers, faggots um come get your burgers faggots it's quite simple this post continues we've learned our lessons and will include experts on communicating with the lgbt community for future work as i'm picturing equal love and equal rights will still be a priority for us but it's like they are hiring a middleman who is an expert in. Yeah, no, I'm picturing like Jane Goodall, like someone who's like in an explorer hat. It's just like any fag hag you've met. They hire they hire like a fab woman in like a teacup dress. She's like, yeah, I'm going to go talk to my gays.

They love me um within days of the ad going live people around the globe took to social media to comment how comment on the campaign citing the chain's failure to understand quote unquote how gay sex works um citation yeah i truly feel like gay sex it it doesn't not work it works in every possible way you know yeah it's possible it's probably the most dynamic for it is the most dynamic it just it is impossible for it to not work it has always worked in any form for his like forever you know time immemorial time immemorial it's been happening as well as critiquing corporate quote-unquote rainbow washing during pride month which who cares about anymore? I'm like, really? Like, anyways, let's see. There's some embedded tweets.

Burger King isn't the only food company under fire for its Pride Month marketing. Postmates also drew scorn last week when it introduced its quote-unquote bottom-friendly menu. That's so embarrassing. Should we see what's on the bottom-friendly menu? I'm kind of curious.

I was looking at the picture. There's a hard shell taco in the picture. What? Which I was laughing. I was like, why is that on there? Okay, the thing is, the thing people are a little too afraid to say. Okay, I'll say it.

Flaxseed smoothie. I feel like it's the only acceptable bottom meal. Okay, hard shell taco. Looks like there's an eggplant there's a uh peach which again i feel like these are joke like an eggplant like so that's come on a peach these are like emojis like um so there's one here whole grains wheat bran cauliflower legumes that makes sense potatoes i don't really see that um oh i cannot i cannot handle lactose right now one of them says yeah it's pretty offensive i don't know i think the bottom friendly menu is better than me

i think it's just gross to like it's disgusting to shit that much while you're ordering food like of course it might be on people's minds but do we really have to acknowledge that we're like yeah we don't need that explicit of a connection between eating sex and shitting like yeah yeah no totally i don't think especially like it's embarrassing for like when i if straight people see that thought of that at postmates oh yeah absolutely absolutely right yeah but if i were a straight person seeing that i'd be like god faggots are just these faggots are disgusting yeah like oh i've never thought about the logistics before i know yeah i feel like uber is 20% off if you're 8 inches or over You're hung like a fucking horse

Free colonic at the end of every ride Mandatory colonics Before you get in Before you get in It would be so funny if like lyft was like we're doing a gay service like like gay people get to ride like for like you know 75 of the cost and then you like but you get into their cars and every car is covered in like plastic wrap like dexter is about to murder you because they're like

don't want them touching the inside of the car okay but this begs this begs the real question right and the real question is what is a truly gay burger because they kind of burger king here they kind of queered it you know they were like we're gonna mess with the form you know we're gonna invert a few things we're gonna give you two top buns which again is just disgusting to think about the two the two bottom one is even worse because it's like so much crust or something i don't know disgusting yeah but what is a real gay burger and i would say they should have just had like a bean burger that's the gay kind of the gayest burger you could have oh yeah and i love a bean burger red bean quinoa burger with an aioli red bean no black bean

black bean sorry black bean black bean like red quinoa like um burger with with like a with a brioche bun you know and uh a nice a nice little you know aioli because you know i think you know you know whoever invented the aioli their parents kicked them out of the house for being gay if you if you spent your life trying to find out a way to make a fancy mayonnaise it's because you were trying to impress your parents who kicked you out of the house for being gay and it still didn't work for them i'm about to go italian mode because a true aioli is literally just olive oil and garlic really yeah and that's it you just like but the garlic how do you preparing the garlic roasted you mince it very very fine preferably so fine that it will dissolve in the pan

and then you cook it at a very low temperature in the olive oil is that accepted as true throughout the um entirety of italy because i feel like there's so much intra-italian uh yeah that's like the classical definition it's like uh you know like a cacio e pepe or like an aglio e olio it's like very much but that's how you make a real gay burger. That burger, maybe a little bit of arugula. Mm-hmm. I think the gayest fast food item is the Wendy's spicy

chicken Asiago ranch sandwich. It's too many. It's a little busy. It's a little busy? You just said red quinoa burger. I love it. It's contained within the burger, okay? It's a red quinoa burger. I love it. It's contained within the burger. Okay. It's a red quinoa, black bean.

Oh, it's part of the mixture. Yes. They're not just putting quinoa, loose quinoa on a burger. That'd be disgusting. I was kind of wondering what you meant by that. It's a mixed quinoa. You scoop out the bun and you just put an entire bowl of quinoa it just falls apart when you eat it no mixed quinoa black bean burger with you know just simple i think black truffle

that's a gay yeah that's a gay ass truffle yeah truffle's gay i am so i'm in charge of my mom's having a big celebration here that's's why I'm back home. It's her birthday. A few other things. Oh, and they always make me in charge of the food menus. I was in charge of the food menu for my brother's wedding. And I always come back with so many amazing ideas for brilliant little treats.

And, um, they all get shot down immediately because, um, either one, no one knows what they are or two uh someone says that's gross um so i really have to pare it back and so my men don't hear my menu yeah and keep in mind these are like unitarians and like public school workers and then like my my dad who wants to bring ceviche and i'm like no i'm like no i already have seafood on this ceviche sharing sharing a giant bowl of ceviche is disgusting buffet having bringing ceviche to a like a buffet style thing that is fucked up you know

what i i have a compromise idea well i already i i'm serving just shrimp with cocktail sauce and oh that's good everyone loves shrimp with cocktail sauce everyone loves a little shrimp you know it's not it's in a it's in a it's on a big metal plate with a giant bowl of ice underneath it yeah sort of capers um parsley for garnish, lemon wedges. Everyone loves that. Yeah. The big star. Okay.

The one. Yeah, give me the menu. Give me the rundown. The one. Okay. I get in there. What are the first things I'm seeing on this buffet table? Okay.

So the table is a card table that I've already put a tablecloth on, so it looks nice. Classic family. Classic white tablecloth. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. There's going to be prosciutto, salami, capicolo, and chorizo with manchego, a white stilton, stinton, whatever you say it. A brie, a goat cheese and um caprese okay caprese salad okay um off to a great start there are and i hate this i wanted to just do a fruit salad and my mom was like we should

make fruit skewers i was like no no and it's because it's like people every any woman over 50 in iowa they see one thing with a slight variation on it and they're like oh my god that's so fun oh my god that's so fun it's funky it's so funky it when i makes me i literally she's so crazy love her literally and it's it's like sweet it's kind of cute but like it drives me insane because i remember like being a gay guy here and admittedly being an incredibly annoying gay man when i lived here and wearing like like spazzy pants or something like pat like pants like a pattern on it yeah no and the amount of old women who'd be like oh that's that's fine aren't you handsome

throwing a spit on her face you want to see fun these are more expensive than your life like zara tags still on your kid couldn't even sell for as much as my i bought my pants these pants are worth more than your children's life you fat fuck she's not even fat. Nor is she like a slide. Okay, so there's a meat and cheese plate. A fruit salad,

which I'm going to have to turn into fruit skewers. Fruit kebabs. So fun. That's like you on a Friday night. Yeah, low period. So fun. That's like you on a Friday night. Yeah, low period. My fruit's getting kebabbed. This fruit can't wait to get kebabbed tonight.

God. Like standing in front of that and telling all my mom's Unitarian friends. They would actually love that. They would love that. Oh my God. They would be, like, literally adults just love, like, a gay person. They would actually love that. Oh my god, they would be, like, literally adults just love, like, a gay person. They would start clap. They would start clap. If I made that joke,

they would clap, and then they would bow to me. Like at the end of Hereditary. I can't wait to get kabob. They would get on, they'd fall to their knees. Fridayob. They fall to their knees. Literally fall to their knees in unison.

Rhythmically bowing. Crows start hovering. They start forming bubbles. Buzzards appear. A vortex in the clouds. That looks like an asshole. It just sucks everyone up. Okay, so there's that.

There's a few skewers. Oh, this is going to be the standout. This is going to be the one thing where I am going to have to hear 12 women with little quilted purses made by African children that get paid $20 an hour or something. That is the vibe

like tom shoes wearing watermelon salad oh their minds are going to be fucking blown okay wow yeah i love a watermelon salad or you got you got some feta in there watermelon salad okay so what i'm doing getting watermelon watermelon, of course, you gotta start with the watermelon. Number one. Number one. You cannot forget this is the most important.

You're like being so condescending, showing like your mom how to make it. Number one. You might forget this, but this is a watermelon. This is called a what?

This is called a watermelon. Okay, so you can tell me, you can tell me if you think I've done anything wrong here. I think this will be good, simple. Watermelon with some just lemon on it. Fresh squeezed lemon on it.

Some basil. Sorry, not basil. Mint. I was going to say mint. Torn, not like, what do you call it? Chiffonade, like chiffonade basil. You know, when you cut the basil really thin? Not that way. I think just like hand-torn

mint. Very generously. You're gonna slap it like a bartender at a fancy restaurant. Purr. And I'm gonna just rip that up on top of the bowl of watermelon. Pepitas.

What's pepitas? Big, roasted, salted pepitas. Pumpkin suits. Oh, yummy. Interesting. Give it some texture. Oh, some salt. That's another thing.

I would rather shoot myself in the face. Okay. I'd rather shoot myself in the face than say crunchy instead of texture. It's so crunchy. No, God. It's so crunchy. No, God. It's got a good crunch to it. No, it has texture. It has a nice texture.

Your family must love you. No, I would never say any of this to them. I don't dip or dunk food. I don't dip or dunk food. It is disgusting. I almost committed such a faux pas at the bar the other day.

Which bar? I was at this restaurant called Alba, and we were having fancy little snacks with me and my girlies. Then we went to GT, which is like a biker bar. In Iowa? Yeah, in Des Moines, Iowa. We were at GT's. There was this woman, in Des Moines, Iowa. We had GTs. And there was this woman, blackout drunk, 8 o'clock.

Okay. Blonde woman with really, really chunky mascara. You know what I mean? Like mascara that just has giant gauze. Clumped together. Yeah. How 60% of women look look here and it's iconic she walked up to me and she's like you want you want any cheese sticks i was like what

and she was like i got some cheese sticks and i was like oh i'm okay we just ate uh dinner and she's like okay and then she walked away and she was really mad that we didn't take any um it was like i'm gonna offer these people cheese sticks it was like a mafia style deal um she's gonna kill my family now and they're gonna love it these cheese steaks just fell off a truck yeah and then she almost hit me in the car because she was blackout drunk and then she drove away oh my god probably fine literally happened she's literally probably fine um what was i talking about? Oh, the watermelon salad. Mint, pepitas, lemon juice, a little bit of olive oil, salt, feta.

I was going to go with goat cheese, but then goat cheese doesn't really, it doesn't sit well. Feta is goat cheese, isn't it? But like goat cheese, like creamy goat cheese. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And so I was like, that doesn't really sit well. It kind of melts.

So I'm going to do that, and then just balsamic reduction on top. That's delicious. That's perfect. What do you think? Perfect. That's an A-plus watermelon salad right there. That's going to be fucking blown. Yeah, absolutely.

That's going to be the star of the show. The fermented shrimp. I'm batching a bunch of Aperol spritz, which again is going to be called fun. It's going to be called fun 3,000 times. Flirty. Yeah. That's about it. I'm excited for the party.

It's going to slay. I'm hosting. That sounds great. If you want list, I'm hosting. want list i'm hosting i'll see if there's room i'll see i can't make it but can you put me on the list so that um people see me on there maybe yeah yeah oh my god who's that me standing in my my mom's front door yeah like a caslada and uh holding a billboard it's like um you're not blessed literally my um when i was vegan for a while there was this one i had this like recipe book of like vegan stuff and it was like a really good recipe book and there was a recipe for watermelon gazpacho in there and it was like straight up like so fucking good it was so good oh my god and i like can't remember what the recipe was or like and i can't like the cookbook is now lost um but i that's like my white whale is this watermelon gazpacho that sounds amazing

um oh my god it was so good okay wait so before you wrap up i wanted to talk about this i was i loved this story um kim kardashian blowing the fuck out of um marilyn monroe's dress did you see that oh my god i saw because I saw I saw that you liked all the posts on Instagram from like the Marilyn Monroe collection oh yeah yeah clearly just like one crazy person who's like obsessed when I bet it's a straight guy too honestly I bet it's like a straight guy who just loves Marilyn Monroe I think he has good intentions I love in case you haven't seen this um the dress that kim kardashian wore to the met gala was an old marilyn monroe dress um there are videos of how difficult it was for

her to be like she's basically sewn into this they had to like sew a panel over her ass um and it was returned to the return to ripley's believe it or yeah it's like so funny that they're like this is such a new port believe it or not is the or Not Yeah it's like so funny that they're like This is such an important Believe it or not is the handler of this It's like okay of course it's gonna be Whored out to some influencer Destroying with their BBL Like of course

The place where they have like a wax statue Of the guy with the longest fingernails Like in the world They should have given it to that The black alien project guy They should have given Marilyn Monroe's dress guy the black alien project guy they should have given marilyn rose just to him yeah oh my god but she returned it and there it was so the pictures the before and after pictures are so funny because it's just like the stitching is coming undone they're like and some of the diamonds that were sewed on missing are missing and i just like i

love the idea that like those there's so much pressure in those diamonds that one of them popped off and like like shot or like one of the shot through someone's skull and out the back of their like through the lens on the camera and threw their eye out the back of their skull 17 people died because they were hit by stray diamonds popping off of her bbl yeah um and then everyone was everyone was so mad about this they were just like of course she's destroying history blah blah blah which i was like but i get over it she's actually she's actually you know breathing new life into history i would say i just think she's selling this dress on the black market and, you know, throwing it away. It is just hilarious.

I think it's funny that the theme was Gilded Age Glamour. Wasn't it Gilded Age Glamour? Yeah. At the Met Gala? The Gilded Age is like 1890 to like 1930. Yeah. So like 40 years before the dress

got worn by Merle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. before the dress like got worn by. Yeah. Well, I mean, no, which is funny. Does anyone care about the theme? No,

I think everyone should care. I think. So I'm sensing, I'm sensing a bit of a double standard here though, when it comes to everyone yelling at Kim K. Okay. Cause what if she like wore one of Hitler's Nazi uniforms and blew out the ass on that? Would people be mad at her for destroying a Nazi artifact?

Oh my god. Right? That would be insane to like... That would be my PR post if I worked for Kim K. I would just tell her to post, what if I wore Hitler's uniform? Would people be mad if I destroyed Hitler nazi uniform with my fat ass yeah y'all are a little quiet now the like pants are just falling off like literally falling off you can see hitler's

boxers underneath the chest is completely like around her ankles yeah y'all are real quiet now i feel like the peanut gallery would have to reconsider a few things they said if she destroyed hitler's uniform have you ever have you ever seen the dior 2000 couture show it's like one of the best it's where rihanna got the pope outfit from oh she looks so i love her yeah that pope outfit that was iconic it's that show is amazing there's like so many like crazy outfits in it like yeah one of them is like literally like some of them are so racist like there's one that's like literally just like a skirt made out of like grass and like a bone through and it's like a black model or it's like okay like someone from the wild like something

someone wore in the wild thorn berries yeah and then um there are like three nazi uniforms in it um but they're john galliano designed like crazy nazi uniforms and they're like so like sick just picturing someone one of them has like a luger like hanging at the crotch level and it's like um i'm just picturing like someone going to the met gala with that and just taking it out it's like oh my god did that what a serve that's what you should do i would never oh my god what what three of us are gonna make it to the met gala first jock i think me yeah you're probably you I think me. Yeah, probably you.

It's reverse misogyny. Yeah. Easier for women. Period. Period. What else is going on? What would you wear to the Met Gala? I have a funny idea for a Met Gala outfit. Depends on the theme.

I think it would be funny to... I'm not a fashion person really yeah i think i wear the same thing every day like a cartoon character i think it would be funny to um go to the met gala and be like dexter's laboratory yeah you kind of look like the latina like the latina Dexter. Wait, is there a Latina? Should I change my... I'm going to change all my ads cross-platform to the Latina Dexter. Is there a Latina?

El Dexter Latino. El Dexter. Is there a... I'm going to look up Latina.'s a latino friend in dexter it would be funny if dexter's laboratory was like there's not how it's going to explode it'd be funny if it was like how dragon ball is in like south america it's like there are like food shops with like goku on them like but it's like dexter's lab there's dexter's dexter's chicken there's definitely like oh my god el laboratorio de dexter

i looked up latino dexter and oh there's it's a character from dexter from the show yeah yeah i think he has a latino maybe nemesis i I remember like a taller science boy. Oh, Mandark? I don't think Dexter. I don't think. Mandar? Oh, Dexter Laboratorio. As in a man with dark skin. ¿Qué pasó con el laboratorio de Dexter?

El laboratorio de Dexter terminó su plazo original en 1998. Después de dos temporas. Oh, yeah. No, he has the Edgar haircut. Mandark has the Edgar haircut. He has the Devon haircut. He literally has the Edgar haircut, which is an indigenous haircut.

It goes back to indigenous times. Not a lot of people admit that. We love Mandark. I'm Mandark for sure. So I would dress like him for the Met Gala. I would do a realistic, like when Al Roker dressed up like Peanuts. I would get prosthetics. Yeah.

And I would show up like Mandark in Dexter's Laboratory. For the Met Gala. I don't know if I would be invited for anything Thank you. What else is going on, Hessa? Nothing. Honestly, I kind of have to go to the bathroom. Well, we have five minutes left. Okay. What do you think?

Can you hold it? I can hold it in. Should we see if you can hold it for the last five minutes it's it's this is gonna be a very relaxed episode yeah oh did i tell you my idea for pride um i'm kind of the bricks for a pride float yeah for the bricks i love the bricks because it's it's an amazing idea yeah and i can i think i can explain it i'm gonna refill my coffee okay hello listener it's just me and you so i'm uh trying to well i think i got a job consulting um for a float i'll leave the company and everyone else associated out of this for now but i had a really amazing idea for what to do for like you know crowd engagement on the boat and i wanted to buy i want to buy i

found a listing for a bunch of uh movie prop grade bricks fake bricks and i want to buy hundreds of them. And I want to instruct everyone to throw them off of the float as we kind of proceed down or throughout Midtown. There's going to be an article about it. There's going to be an article about it. There will be articles about it. It's going to be like the terrible idea. Yeah. And then I'll have to write my own apology statement. But I think it would be so funny but i know but it's such a

good idea it's such a good idea because if you get the one some of them you can soak him you can really wind those puppies up i bet you can really wind those you can you could do you could maybe do some damage they feel like nothing although i don't think not intent it's not our intent i mean you literally jump into a pool of them in gymnastics. Yeah, they're styrofoam. Yeah, like, they're fine. You could whip them. Is that not an amazing idea?

That's a really good idea. Is it not, like, one of the best pride float ideas you've ever heard of? No, that's so funny. I'm full of ideas. Nuts? Can we have nuts today? The pride float. The pride float?

And I want to get Barry in on it. I want to have Barry walking gay. I want him to do a, like, I want it to look like he's pulling the float. Do you know how, like, Guinness Book of World Records guys can, like, they pull a truck with, like, their teeth? Yeah.

I want it to look like barry is pulling the float but i want it to i want it to be a bit in their mouth yes like she's got she's got a she's chomping on a bit and i want it to look completely effortless right i don't want it to look like barry's like in any kind of doing any kind of strenuous activity like those guys who are pulling tractor trailers with their nuts i want it to just appear as if the the trailer is sort of just drawn to barry and he's pulling it with he's pulling it with the sheer strength of his sleigh and then behind him has a are a hundred people on a float throwing bricks into the crowd. But then imagine you see that coming at you.

And what song would be playing on the float? Well, we're going to get a bunch of DJs and performers. Oh my God, amazing. And I'm going to be on it. I also want to lie about who's sponsoring us uh-huh i want to be like sponsored by the george w bush museum thank you all of that just lie about everyone who's sponsoring us because it's just one company sponsored by the atlantic magazine yeah yeah yeah yeah literally um thank you for the donation jesse signal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just stuff like that.

Jesse Signal, Katie Herzog, Memorial, Pride. And I'm going to get the mic at some point. I'll be able to say, thank you, New York City. What I really want to say is, I have a gun and I'm going to shoot the president. I'm going to say, Barry to the White House. And Barry's going to March us off course Strut all the way to Washington D.C.

Strut to D.C. Like four days later Four days later He's dead He's like limping I just love the idea of like telling him Like Barry left And he just Yeah I just love the idea of like telling him like Barry left.

And he just. Yeah. You're like mad with power. Literally. I know. I'm a maniac. Whoa. Whoa.

Heal. Heal. Heal. Screaming heel Mush Yeah I need to beef up on my My hurting Dog sled commands Mush heel Yeah

Dog sleigh commands Dog sleigh Dog sleigh Okay we got to an hour dog slay commands. Dog slay. Slay. Dog slay. Okay, we got to an hour. It was a very chill episode. Yeah, this was a fun one. We had some good ideas.

We had some laughs. We had some really good ideas. These ideas are going to slay. They should let us start an advertising company. When's that going to happen? We should start one. It'd be fun. Silly Treatments LLC. Silly Treatments LLC. Exactly. The vertical integration that will happen

between Silly Treatments and our ad agency. Silly Advertisements LLC. Silly Advertisements. Silly Apologies. We started a third company for all the apologies we have to write. And all of them are just a notes app and it says, with a winky silly about the monkey the monkey covering its eyes

emoji sorry would we kill 17 people yeah whoops like you can like you can you can fix your monkey pox by writing by rubbingvanse all over it. You can run off a cliff. You'll float there. Like in Looney Tunes. Oopsies. All right. Thank you, everyone, for listening to another episode.

Is this a free one? No, this is a paid one. Okay. We love. No plugs for our paid pigs we love them Thank you. Thank you. Outro Music Bye. Thank you..