Seeking Derangements - SD 151 - The Trial of Zim

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Welcome everyone to a Ben and Jacques solo episode! (Hesse is missing because she got offered that luxury poop job) Jacques and I craft our scheme into the fine art market, talk about being cracked out in Nola, and what its like getting a gun stolen from you while being robbed four nights back to back. Lastly, we are also paid a visit by the reputable Judge Gonsoulin of Vermont who delivers their sentence for the crimes of one Mx. Ezra Miller. Subscribe to us on Patreon at patreon.com/seekingderangements Instagram @seekingderangementsssss Twitter @SSDERANGEMENTSS Intro/// Asha Bhosle - Dum Maro Dum Outro/// Locked Up - It's My Rave

The Thank you. And we're off. We have a few things to talk about today, of course. I had an intro planned, but Jock derailed it just now by showing me, and it's just me here, no Hessa. Jock derailed it just now by showing me, and it's just me here, no Hessa. Jock derailed it by showing me his entire dick and ass in

quite explicit detail. Okay, I'm in underwear. I'm in Hanes underwear and it might be like... I saw an imprint. It might be stretched over three years of abuse. Your dick was begging for air. It was gasping for air. Okay, now you just sound

horny. Is that horny? Your dick was just grasping for air. Gasping. Zero airflow in those panties. They're incredibly tight. You sound like Blanche Devereaux

from Golden Girls. Well, it's just a boys episode today. That's right. You heard it. No bitches in the room. We can say whatever we want. Get the broads out of here. Get the dolls out of here. Get the broads out of here. No, don't actually get the dolls out of here. We literally

can say whatever we want. You know that though. Oh, yeah. No one's here. No one's here to tell us to please not say that word or please stop fighting or please turn your audio down. We can do whatever we want to say. It's boys' rules. You know how they've been putting out those terrible

Chris Pratt Jurassic Park movies over the last few years? How does this relate to what I was just saying? Well, now that Hessa's not here, I can reveal that she's been writing those pieces of slop. I've been writing them. If you listened to our last episode, you know that... She's pregnant. We all applied for

poop donation jobs. And unfortunately, Hessa was the one who got the job. She beat us out. Are you kidding me right now? No, she literally got the poop job and she us out. Are you kidding me right now? She literally got the poop job and she's going to be making $180,000 a year.

$500,000 per stool donation. They accepted her and it's because they're trying to score woke points. You heard it. They said, we need a trans. We need a doll. I'm fucking furious. We need the doll poops.

They're probably not even going to use her. Okay, literally. They're just using her poop for marketing. For woke culture. My application for this poop program was immaculate.

I felt like I was going to be the star. You denied immediately. I'm just so... They just messaged back and said no. immaculate. I felt like I was going to be the star. You denied it immediately. Sorry to tell you that. They just messaged back and said no. Look, I don't even... I've never seen this bitch's poops, but I know they're stringy. I know they're really...

I can't imagine they're amazing. I feel like she's probably on the runnier side. But that's just my guess. I also feel like she only pees and doesn't poop. Okay, I actually totally agree with that. Yeah. I feel like she's just pee team.

She's piss only team. I always imagined her as someone who only ate like Laffy Taffy and caramels. Yeah, but with like a vegetable every... A vegetable? Like one head of broccoli. Have you seen Hessa? She don't look like she's been eating vegetables. She eats vegetables, babe.

We eat... Honestly, her and I when we go to dinner, chow on the veggies. Okay. I'm back on my meat diet. We're giving Farmville when we go out to dinner. No, the real reason Hessa isn't here is because it's hard to say, but

she had an adverse reaction to the monkeypox vaccine. And we love to joke, but she did. She died. Damn, I've never seen Ben look so happy. She died. Ben is literally smiling ear to ear you can hear it in my voice

that I'm not smiling he literally just held up a piece of has died from the monkeypox vaccine he just held up a computer paper that said yay with a smiley face at the end of it it's not a video podcast so they're not gonna see that thanks for exposing me,

bitch. No, she's fine. She is suffering from some pretty bad complications from the monkeypox vaccine. So if everyone can just tweet, Hessa, I hope you get over monkeypox. The complications from the vaccine are that she contracted

monkeypox. So she does have monkeypox now. From the vaccine, she's the first case. So if everyone can just tweet, Hessa, I hope the monkeypox doesn't kill you. We love you. And good job on your poop job. Congrats on the poop job.

So worried for her. I mean, she's the first human being to have it anally in her ears as well as vaginally. It's just not... And in the... It's just not fair for a doll to have to go through

monkey pox when she's already just been through... What's new in your life, Jock? Well, I'm in New Orleans and it's a miracle. The Big Easy. I got a good old view of a bunch of mud, about four ducks. Let's get the view out of

your bedroom window. Well, you can tell us. You're going to show me. Perfect. Oh my god, it looks beautiful. So I'm seeing... I am seeing about four ducks. There's a really nice ornate railing with... You literally live behind a white picket fence draw I

understand that you're like I giving American dream you're giving Norman Rockwell you're giving Americana with the ducks mama Norman Rockwell makes me so uncomfortable his artwork is so sterile oh yeah it's pretty gross but yeah I want to shoot it up on a bracelet. I would love to shoot up a Norman Rothwell painting. That'd be iconic. That would be like groundbreaking. You'd be like the next Andy Warhol or something.

Really? The next Bates? You'd be like really blonde and gay and be like, I don't know. Yeah. Do you have any ideas? What if you were to become an artist? Do you have any ideas for conceptual art, Jock?

I think of like really high concepts like tampon and teacup. Okay, this is a performance art slash interactive art piece. There is a 15 by 15

foot roller skating and you kick a child in the head. Okay, shut up. That's not artwork. It's a statement on queer volatility and cis hetero normativity oppression embodied in the

child. And then you fucking roundhouse kick it to the head with roller skates on, which are a symbol of queer freedom and excellence. And it dies. The child dies. Which is ultimately bringing the viewer to the conclusion

of queer resilience. Okay. First of all, Ben, I told you not to tell that story. What about that? That'd be an amazing piece I just told you not to tell that story to other people this is not fair like you know I didn't mean to do it I'm just saying you could

pitch that to the arresting officers as art and not murder not manslaughter it's I don't know what world you think I'm staying art and not murder. Look. Not manslaughter. It's consumption. I don't know what world you think I'm staying around

for the arresting officers. Why do you think you're moving cities? Why did you move to New Orleans? Because you killed a child with a kick to the head at the roller rink? I'll say this. You know that this is the lowest amount of

police that have ever existed in New Orleans in the history of New Orleans is that true I feel like at some point there had to have been less police a thousand six hundred about police now and a few years ago there were like two three thousand

there are sixteen hundred police in the entirety of New Orleans right now. Yes. Really? Below. Yes. That means that there's like.001 cops per jock. You can get away with so much shit right now. Look, my roommate

said that this land was lawless now. That's so sick. That's why I fucking love New Orleans. It's the Wild West. New Orleans is the real Western frontier of this country. Fuck Utah. Fuck cowboy culture. Unless it's in New Orleans.

I don't want to say who, but I give someone in New Orleans a grocery list and they go to Whole Foods and fully take the entire... They steal the entire list. Actually, I take that. Whole Foods is the Western frontier. You can steal anything. No matter where you are.

Let me say what my conceptual... You just ask some non-binary cheesemonger at Whole Foods if you can sample something, and they just give it to you. It's also so easy just to walk out with whatever. But sorry, continue. So I made an art piece based on an experience I had recently. And I'll explain the experience first.

But let me explain to you this conceptual art piece that I made. So you're explaining two separate artworks. You're explaining one that exists. I'm explaining one artwork. And then I'm explaining the story afterwards of where I got to this. And you've made this work already? Yeah, it's completed. It's about to be premiered.

It's about to... No, it's a... Premiered? It's an interactive exhibit. Oh my god. It's a 15 by 15 foot room. You are prefaced before. Please be careful. Okay.

One of those like gallerina girls comes out and she's like high on vibe answer. She's like, the artist says that you please need to be careful. So, what this is, this is a metaphorical...

Well, let me explain the art piece first. And then I'll explain the metaphor behind it. Okay. It's a 15 by 15 foot room. The floor is covered in KY lubricant. Boob. Okay, yeah. On top of that

there's a layer of about 32 to 33 peeled banana peels. Okay. It's kind of giving like Mario Kart you know. The room is dark. The room is pretty dark

so you really can't see the bananas or the lube and there's also marbles. It sounds like you're asking people to be careful before they step into a room in which they are most assuredly bound to fall. Now, there is an exit

on the opposite side, but the doors, it's very dark so it's very hard. You have an exit on the opposite side, but the doors, it's very dark so it's very hard. You have to stumble around the room. It's pitch black. You stumble around until you fall out of the door. What about a few strobe lights from floor lights? Lights that have been installed

on the floor so you can see them kind of just like merrily strobe through the lube and marble. i'm so happy that you brought up the lighting because we actually used inspiration from the iraq war for the lighting for this okay there are gunshot noises going off there are soldiers screaming bravo bravo alpha there's a lot of military talk going on it's very this is getting better so it's it's also a statement it's a statement on the precarity of American

empire and our imperial endeavors in an ever declining civilization. Now, this is a little bit of the controversial part. Is that the metaphor? No. Oh, you're gonna love the metaphor. Because the slippery ground that we're on is

like American imperial precarity. I don't know what those words mean, but sure. But let me... Okay, so I didn't mention this. This is kind of a controversial part because we are not paying the child fair labor rights. The child?

Who's the child? But the child has volunteered for this for the sake of art. So there's a legal battle going on. This kid loves conceptual art. So there's a child that is in a full black outfit that camouflages into the into the wall that's a very short child and it's like a it's like a like a gimsuit well no no but the child has a very it's just camouflaged child very short the. The child also has a gun loaded with blanks. If you can't escape the room in a certain

time, the child... So it's an escape room. Well, if the child comes up behind you and shoots the blank and you fall, you owe the gallery $40. It's actually just the money-making scheme. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean... Sorry. I meant to say it's an American... It's an amazing commentary on American imperial decline. Finally, when you make it out, there's a whole...

Not money-making scheme. Finally, when you find the secret door and you... Wait, the door is secret? I thought the door is displayed as an exit in the back of the room. That's what I was imagining. Like you walk in and you see on the far side that red

exit sign and that you know I can only get here. Well, there is a red exit sign, but it has nothing to do with the space. It's fake. It's just a three-off exit. It's not an exit. So this is the confusing thing. It's actually not an exit. This is the confusing thing, Ben. The doors, as soon as you are pushed into this room,

you cannot see the entrance or the exit. You just see the exit sign and the flashes of guns and maybe the blank of gun. And the short child in camouflage. You can't even see him. Or you couldn't really be... I mean, you're slip sliding around. Yeah, I mean, it's a very...

The moment you get in... It's a very unearthing process. You should install a few trap doors and maybe incorporate some kind of live animal to represent the kind of feralness of the American empire. You know, kind of the feral... Empire.

Of our endless need for bloodthirst. Ben's out here sounding like a hip hop guy. I think I could be your, I think I could be an amazing PR person for this endeavor. So finally, if you are lucky enough to find that escape and about under 15 minutes, there's a small hallway that you go by where there are two very beautiful women.

And they're both offering you. They're holding food out there. small hallway that you go by where there are two very beautiful women. Oh my God. And they're both offering you different things. They're holding food out. One has a tray of beans and the other one has a tray of just money. And you start to approach them. You try to walk. You're so excited because you've just been trapped in this room. You just been slipping around.

You made it out of the war. Finally, right as you're starting to walk towards the women, you get gooped. And I don't mean like... What is gooped? We're already covered in lube and banana peels. And you're... I imagine you're probably bleeding.

How many people are you putting in here at once? Is this a singular experience? Or is this like you're putting 10 people in there? Remember on Nickelodeon when the green slime would fall on top of them? They would get slimed more or less. But you're gooping. Well, it's gooping. It's slime

but it's mixed with sriracha. It's slime and goop. And sriracha. And sriracha. Okay. It immediately kind of burns your eyes. And the women, of course, really quickly back up and make sure you can't get any of it. Finally, as you go to the final exit

of this art gallery, a man tells you... I forgot it was an art gallery though. A man tells you... A man asks you a question. He says, what do you think this was to represent? Baffled.

Are you the man? Are you the man? Oh, I would have had an answer, babe. I would have... I knew exactly where you're going with this. And I'll. Are you the man? I would have an answer, babe. I knew exactly where you're going with this. And I'll say, you know what? This was a representation of Obama's terms as president. I see.

I was right. See, I didn't want to give it away. I kind of slayed. You kind of slayed with this little American imperial. I kind of slayed. Empire. Empire. Ben just slayed the this little American imperial like empire empire just slayed the government

I would be so good at being a liar so if you will allow me this does go into my next point which is oh my god you're giving like an artist presentation right now I was having a beautiful day with my friend who just moved. What bar?

Bank Street Bar. The only bar I go to. The only bar you go to in New Orleans. I like that. That bar is pretty fun. I just... Yeah, it's a fun bar. It's a weird part of town. It's a weird part. It's mid-city. But it's local. You're not getting like tourists,

right? Yeah, and also my friend is the owner, so it's about supporting my family friends. But anyway. For sure. Check out Bank Street Bar. Jock is there. If you want to kill him, he's DJing there. Or if you just want to support him. I remember we had that night we saw Charlie XCX

and then we literally stayed up. We walked into City Park and got beignets at it wasn't Cafe Du Monde. No, no, no. Morning Call. It's like the better answer to Cafe Du Monde because Cafe Du Monde is always

covered in fucking tourists and idiots. It's not like amazing. It's good, but Morning Call was much better. Remember when we were there? We showed up. We were cracked out. You when we were there? We showed up. We were like... We were cracked out.

No. You and Steven were literally staring at ducks. We surrounded a gaggle of geese. Why did I do... I don't remember if I did coke. We were all fucked up on something. We were on Adderall? I feel like that was Adderall moment for me

because I would not have done coke in New Orleans unless I got it from like but you don't do coke so like I wouldn't have got it from a record of all you did it still well let me say this we sat for 15 and no not sat we stood for 15 and 20 minutes commenting on a gaggle of geese

no I remember it was so it was cracked the fuck out it was like 6am and we literally I was wearing Do you remember that? No, I remember. It was cracked the fuck out. It was like 6 a.m. I was wearing latex pants. You turned to me? See-through latex pants and a mesh white top looking like an absolute

decrepit faggot. You would never wear that again. No. God, not now. Not this era. I lost enough weight that I could fit into those latex shorts latex pants at a Charlie XCX show in New Orleans this summer

okay but let me tell you I remember how I was dressed let's go I was wearing a full leather skirt a mesh top giant latex gloves long latex gloves. Long latex red gloves.

Tiny sunglasses like I was a drug dealer. Oh my god. But it was also like 2015. We looked amazing for 2015. My birthday, I turned 23. It was my birthday that night. Remember I turned

23 at the show. We stayed up and then I just remember going to Morning Call, cracked out, and then we went in there and it was just like one old guy who looked like that freak from Twin Peaks.

And then that one old guy on stage with a giant head and jaw oh the Bob? People won't know what I'm talking about I just see the picture of this guy I've never seen that show but it literally looks exactly like that guy

and you ordered beans? Beans you ordered like a bowl of beans and we got beignets and then we drank a bunch of coffee and like more food you got like a little cup of beans and we got beignets and then we drank a bunch of coffee and more food. You got like a little cup of rice and beans.

Oh, I'm imagining that you're making it sound like I ordered a full large salad bowl full of firehouse beans. You got like red beans and rice. That makes sense. No, it wasn't bad, but it was just like random. I'm surprised. And then we went and we was like, no, it wasn't bad, but it was just like random surprise.

Anyways. And then we went in, we were like, okay, well, let's just like, we were like, but I guess we should just like,

should we go to a bar? We stayed up. And then we went to the, that, that diner across the street from mid city, from a bank street bar. Oh no. And then we sat in front.

Yeah. We sat in front of that place until they opened. We were such little crackheads that night. We were with Steven. So that was like... It was so bad, man. And then we went and crashed. That was such a good weekend, though.

That was an amazing weekend. I want to come back to New Orleans. I'm coming back to New Orleans. I think I'm going to come back. I'm going to come back in... October. I was so bad with months. You don't remember what day in order?

I'm coming in October. I'm coming in October. I'm coming in October. I'm going to... No, I was counting in my head. I'm going to Vegas. Why? For what? On my way back from Vegas,

I'm going to come to New Orleans. What are you going to Vegas for? What are you going to do? Secret. Okay., I'm going to come to New Orleans. What are you going to Vegas for? Secret. Okay. I'm not going to address this on the show. Are you jealous? But as soon as I get off of this recording, I'm going to scream at Ben at the top of my lungs.

How dare you keep a secret from me, you little beast. I can't tell you. I can't tell you. It's a secret. Okay. This is the last I'll say about't tell you. It's a secret. Okay. This is the last I'll say about the morning call and the Charlie XCX night. But literally, my friend pulled me on stage to dance that night for Girls' Night Out. For her last song she played. And it was beautiful.

And I felt special. What happened? It seemed like last night wasn't so beautiful and special, though. I got it. Wait. Can I read the text I got from you? Okay. Yes.

Can I? Okay. I just want to read the text I got from you? Can I just... I just want to read this text. Be quiet. I want to read this text because it is like fucking insane. I had no... I didn't even respond to you because I was just like, what are you talking about? 4.48

AM. Text from Jock. Really good was going good and hot with this girl till we got in a fight with Obama sending her home now. You was going good and hot with this girl till we got in a fight with obama sending her home now you was going really okay i'm gonna read this one more time really was going good and hot with this girl till we got in fight with obama sending her home now sending this bitch home after you got in a fight with Obama. Why did you get in a fight with this girl and Obama? I didn't even realize

I texted her like that. You don't understand the insane texts you send me at like 5am. It's literally like I was fucking a girl and then we started fighting with Obama and I was sending her ass home. So wait, so what happened? I haven't gotten

the story here. Why was Obama watching? Were you fucking Michelle? Are you Obama's bull? Y'all, I was hanging out with this lady named Michelle. That was going so good until her husband, my cook, came in and started telling me that

I had to stop eating in his bed. Look, okay, first of all, I wish you could do a good Obama voice. I need you to stop eating in my bed. Okay. That's like the best Obama I could do. Literally,

after I take like seven loads from Obama and he's like, could you please not eat from my bed next to me? This is the W and it's got a reputation for being clean. Why did you get in a fight with this girl? I'm assuming you mean about Obama. Yes, of course it was about Obama. First of all, how often do you hear me in public?

Talk about Obama? How often do you hear me in public debating political aspects or talking about past politics? Yeah, you can't name a single... I mean, I've definitely seen you... You've lived out. You can go lib mode, for sure. But really, how... If there was a percentage, it's probably less

than 10% of the amount of times that I've just... No, but also when you do it, it's like... No offense. It's really incoherent, so you don't know if it's about politics or about someone messing up your order. Okay, thank you and fuck you.

I'm so happy that you respect me that way, but let me really paint this scene for you. So a friend of mine just moved back from, or just moved to Louisiana to Lafayette. Yeah. And

she just moved and I was like, okay, you know, you know, I mean, like we were hanging out this weekend in Lafayette and you're trying to fuck her. I mean, it was trying to fuck her.

Well, that was kind of like already getting there. I was like... She was trying to fuck you, too. We were at my friend's house this weekend. Wait, what was that? Jock just did this close. I thought you were like... It was this close. I was this hard.

Her pussy was this small. She has a tiny little pussy. But no, no, no. We were really connecting on a good level. We were just like... We were old friends, so it was cool anyway. And then we were just kind of flirting. Have you had sex before?

No, but we were getting... There's some tension. We were just joking our friend was like oh you two should have sex and we were just joking we were with my friend shelby she was joking so then my friend the girl i'm talking about literally straddles on top of me and starts jokingly simulating sex and she's like going sex and she's like going and just sound like all horrors flipping out and you're just bucking on your it got a little too much bucks on the dick well it got a little too crazy because then we were nearly like knocking we we almost we kind of fell over oh my god you destroyed shelby's

house didn't you so You leveled her house. We made a joke and then it became too real and then we had to sit away from each other. Because it was just getting too... Because you almost started fucking? Yes. And Shelby was in the room?

Yeah, but it wasn't... Josh, that is a young mother. Okay, don't you dare try to... That is a young mother whose living room don't you dare try to... That is a young mother. She was encouraging it. She was encouraging you to fuck in front of her? Yeah, I mean, like, not exactly. Okay, let's not expose her freak ass.

Okay, well, look, look, look. Love her. Okay, so anyways, I need the Obama. I want to know why Obama... No, no, I'm getting it. So, having a great weekend. My ride that I had ridden to Lafayette with Bales, she offers to drive me.

We have a great drive to Lafayette. I get all of my stuff here from my mom. My mom just gave me way too much shit. She gave me a rainbow hanging hammock chair. I'm like, where'd you get this from? I miss your mom so much. I want to come to Louisiana. Where'd you get this from? Fags R Us. much. I want to come to Louisiana. Where did you get this from?

Fags R Us? I'm like, where do they sell rainbow hammocks? Anyway. Is it Rasta? No, it was like a... It's literally rainbow. Literally. And it wasn't like...

It was a muted rainbow because it had like a black part of it. Did she give you that painting of an old family property? Okay. painting of old family property. Okay, I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds incredibly incriminating. I don't know what you're talking about. You literally are making it sound like I hate... I miss Hessa.

She was here to break up the fat of your hurt. Okay, look. You get the rainbow hammock. You Okay, look. Let me keep going. You get the rainbow hammock. You get a ride. You get a ride from Lafayette. Anyway, skip to the...

So we had a great day. Skip to the Bama. It was a great day. Oh, Bama. And I was, you know, I was just kind of hesitant. I was like, hey, I just... I don't drink anymore.

Like, really? And I just like... I'm down to hang out with people drinking. I'm down to hang out with people getting fucked up or whatever but there's a certain cut off you see me fucked up yeah but i and i totally but it's like you know like when you're when you're a certain amount of sober and last night i was at the bar drinking only it's like not that fun you know it doesn't become like i was having a really fun time but when people

were getting so much more drunk than me I'm drinking cold brews mixed with Coca-Cola ice, coke Coca-Cola and cold brews you're kind of you're zooted you're popped the fuck up

that's so much sugar and caffeine so my friend your highest fuck my friend switches from like I'm having a great time with them like you know flirty like whatever you know

it switches to wow did you know how evil you are for being a part of the dirt bag left oh god oh so she's a fucking loser Wow. Did you know how evil you are for being a part of the dirtbag left? Oh, God. Oh, so she's a fucking loser. Wait, so this is the girl who had just given you a ride?

We were having a great time. I'm going to just say I think it was the alcohol that made her... Who still thinks of things in these terms? That's episode... It's like it's done. She's like, you know, all these dirtbag left people.

Wait, wait. Let me say this first. She's like, all these dirtbag left people. I can barely stand to even hear these terms. Just listen. She's like, these people, they just take advantage of all their fans, making them sign up for Twitches

and Discord. $5 here, $5 there. It adds up. She's like, Truanon is out here convincing people that the JFK assassinations led to pedophiles. Sounds like she subscribes to all of them.

She's like, you don't have to pay people to have sex with children. People just want to do it because they're disgusting. Okay, she seems like an absolute freak and you need to disengage. I swear it was like a zero to 60 switch from her pleasantness. Oh my God. So then it goes from- She became a cringe drunk.

She got drunk and then she went cringe. Then she switched to a story about a man with a machete chasing her and then she simulated the machete man killing her me being her and her being the machete man and at this point she violently starts grabbing my skin and putting me like push like she like i'm not trying to sound like a little bitch but she literally we need to be careful she She might listen to this. It's going to be okay. I don't think she will.

You sure? We're going to link. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to zip this one up. And then we know if she's hearing it, we know that she's a little pay-piggy. Well, no. First of all,

this is her punishment for making me feel bad. For freaking out, for sparking out at you? It just gets crazier. When did Obama show up? My friend arrives at the bar and all three hang out. Your old friend from Harvard?

My friend Helen who owns the bar. No, my friend Helen who owns the bar. It's like, you know, whatever. Everything is going fine. So she calmed down? No, but then she started to heat up again. And everything's going fine, but then like... So she calmed down. No, no, no. But then my friends, then she started to heat up again. And she made a joke.

She made a joke and then she pushed me off of a bar stool and I fell on the ground. As a joke? Yes, but it didn't feel... That's not even a joke. It didn't feel like a joke on my body when I hit the floor. So I was like, damn. like damn so you know I'm like

damn this bitch crazy I'm like this shit's still going on but I'm like whatever so then my friend offers her a drink and I'm like yeah and it just was getting too much you should have narcander look I was literally like can we please I was like hoping to just get her to go home

and just not... What time is this? At least... Zach just texted me at 5. 1.30. 1.30 I want us to go. So this went on for four more hours? It went on until 2.30. Now look, at this point, we've

moved from inside outside and she starts to engage another guy there in the conversation. And it's a bartender who's off now, but he's just hanging. And I know him. I know all the bartenders. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go to here all the time. It's just like, okay, whatever. She starts getting in this political fight and all of her points are just like, so she's like just so stupid sounding and I mean no matter what you're talking about like no matter what what side you're

defending no one wants to hear it shut up have fun she's like I study talk about your life talk about something else I've been in college for Marxist and feminist studies slash with in a political education program for I would have started booing her.

I would have started hissing. She literally told me she's like, you just don't know what you're talking about. You're stupid. You haven't taken these courses. You just don't know. She said the debate. That might be true but the way you have aced the school of life

of the streets you are the professor professor of hard knocks mama professor x of the school of hard knocks any what else is this bitch thank you okay she seems i'm i'm annoyed hearing about her because she seems incredibly embarrassing this this was the moment of it and it just was like it just went really quickly so downhill so anyway outside her and this guy start getting an argument about obama this is where it really just it just went amazing conversation to have in 2022 so i don't even know why we're all talking about it and she's like you know the reason that you don't she's like the reason you two don't respect Obama for his accomplishments

for you know being the first person of color president she didn't even say black president which I'm like that in its own is offensive he's a peace op saying POC versus saying black

is like diminishing black culture and like black accomplishments yeah yeah yeah i mean white people white people love to say like that kind of white liberal loves to say stuff like poc and they're talking about black people because they feel like it's like they're too afraid to say black because they only hear that used in like racist contacts and because they like conveniently love to lump all of them into one racial category. And I literally me and my other my friend Helen and me move

tables outside to the table next to when they've gotten this political fight. But then I moved back to try to help the guy out because I was like she's just being like this bitch is crazy. Well, I'm like she's like I would have been I would have been behind her when it's been saying behind you're making eye contact with that guy and making a motion like shooting myself in the head look like i'll act out of like hanging myself not only was it embarrassing but it was

just like not not at all what i wanted to do so so she immediately starts accusing me and the guy of being rooted in white supremacy and that's the reason she an absolute retard who needs to go to jail I yeah I just was not okay like I think you can accuse any white person of being racist but whatever she's obviously white herself anyways speaking of speaking

people who need to go to jail for being incredibly annoying and doing multiple crimes throughout multiple states Ezra Miller has been charged with felony incredibly annoying and doing multiple crimes throughout multiple states um ezra miller has been charged with felony burglary where do you think vermont oh you already read this damn i already i knew about this because i i saw it and i said was he indicted first of all i want to say this first what i was trying to tell a parlor tale of Ezra Miller's recent

exploits. You're doing a parlor tale? Okay, that's not a good one. I was just trying to make a joke. No, that's so cute. I was trying to make a joke. I was trying to make a joke about... I feel like when you were a kid, your mom would have been like, Jock, get out into the parlor. Do a little dance.

Well, look. You're like your mom's little star. No, literally, though. You really are your mom's shiny little star. I love your relationship with your mom so much. What was I even talking about now? Do you think your mom made you gay? Because your mom clearly

she loves the lgbtq yeah she probably she wanted a gay son but i don't i don't think first of all i'm pan bisexual ben so what i'm saying she wanted a gay son but little did she know she was getting a pan by they them freaky deaky when i came out as when i came out as bisexual she was getting a pan by they, them. Freaky deaky. When I came out as bisexual. She was probably so sad. She's like, Jock, it's fake. You're gay.

I know you're gay. There's no such thing. My mom's on the computer. And I'm like, Mom, I'm going to change my Facebook status to say, or my Facebook to say that I'm bisexual. And my mom was like. I wouldn't say gay before that. My mom said, maybe you want to think about that before you post it

in case you change your mind. Had you already come out as gay? No. You've actually never been gay. You've only ever been bi. Yeah. That's how you know a true bi. Maybe that's the symbol of a true bi. Is they're not

doing the gay-to-bi pipeline or the... Sorry, the bi-to-gay pipeline. Or they're not doing a solicitous straight guy flirty thing. Look, I grew up watching... You've always been bi and you've never wavered. Yes,

you might also be pan. I grew up watching... But those two things are not mutually exclusive, babe. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. I grew up at a very young age exposed to sex in the city and Sopranos. Dicks and cocks. And pussies and vaginas.

Yeah, so I mean, no wonder I turned out this way. That is kind of the polarity of your gender representation. You're either Carrie or Tony. Okay. You are literally either Carrie or Tony. I'm either Samantha or Polly Walnuts. Okay, that's true.

Okay, let me just finish this though. So, I'm trying to make all these jokes about Ezra Miller, but in my head, I'm getting Ezra Miller. To the parlor. To all these lesbians. I'm trying to make all these jokes about Ezra Miller but in my head I'm getting to the parlor to all these lesbians I'm trying to make them laugh they hate

laughing laughing and having fun but I got confused with Timothee Chalamet so I'm listing all the things that Ezra Miller would do it in Hawaii I was like oh my god speaking what Timothee Chalamet is doing in Hawaii. I was like, oh my God, speaking of Timothee Chalamet, because one of the lesbians put on a sparkly blazer,

and she was like, I saw a picture of Timothee Chalamet dressed like this. That's what the lesbians sound like? You just did a faggot voice. The lesbians sound like this. The lesbians sound kind of like this. Those are not the lesbians I know. What the fuck? Oh my God. They're like lipstick les. The lesbians sound like this. Not the lesbians I know. What the fuck? Oh my god. They're like lipstick les.

Lip les. No, these are pretty butch. New Orleans lesbians are so cross-patterned, tattooed, Carhartt, but these lesbians all look

pretty and clean and like like indie rock they don't look oh yeah okay no that's cool that's that's sick I mean I did train hopping ones like come out anyways keep going so

um they they were just like wait do you mean Ezra Miller at the very end of me being like, and that's why Timothee Chalamet should be forced to go to jail. Let's break down what Ezra Miller has done.

Break down what Timothee recently did. I just saw it seems like he's not being arrested for the grooming, for the numerous physical assaults. It seems like he's being charged with a measly felony burglary. Let me break down what happened. And also, let me break down this.

They're not going to be able to charge him with anything. Why? Because he hired Juan LaFonta? No, shut the heck up. He should hired one LaFonta no shut the heck up so he they she I think it's fine to say honestly

I think we should zur Ezra he deserves he deserves being zur he's deserving he's deserving deserving he literally went on such a zur he was He's deserving. He's deserving. Deserving. He literally went on such a zur. He's been zurring the fuck out. This is zur behavior.

Well, look. They can't arrest him on the grooming thing because it's like there's an zur. They can't arrest zur on the grooming thing. He can't be arrested for grooming because the person was 18 and they're already arguing that the person was consensual. Well, Ezra had a relationship

with that person since they were like 12. But regardless, they are now 18. It's hard to put that in the query. Anyway, let's get to the most recent crime. Ezra Miller is facing more charges after allegedly taking alcohol from a Vermont man's home, a police said.

This is such a fucked up crazy thing to me because I know that he must have blown through a lot of money. He blew through a lot of cocaine. The Vermont State Police said it was alerted of a burglary in Stanford, Vermont, belonging to Isaac B. Whitaker at around 5.55 p.m., about the same time you sent that Obama text by the way. The way Ezra steals alcohol from

Vermont men's home is the same way you text me messages that are like, I just got into a fight with Obama. I have to say that it just was so... He must be so... Ezra must be so... She must be so... Ezra must be so cracked out of his mind.

No, Ezra is fucked up and cracked out of Ezra's mind. The initial findings indicated that several bottles of alcohol were taken from within the residence while the homeowners were not present. What are they doing at 5.15 p.m.? That's the real question. Okay. Mr. Isaac Whitaker,

what are you at? Partying? No, they were probably at Mar-Lago. They were probably driven to Mar-Lago to see the FBI raid go on. After looking at surveillance footage and taking statements, police said they had probable cause to charge Miller with the offensive felony into

an uncompanied dwelling. Authorities found Miller, who uses they-them pronouns, wrong. He's a fuck. Zuri Zuri on Sunday at 11. You made a misjudging. You know how people are like, I just they them everyone out of caution.

I hate that. You know people do that. Okay. The thing we should start doing is we ZZM everyone out of caution. I know what I'm saying. Preemptive Zering. I'm seeing a lot of not non-binary people calling themselves

they them in New Orleans and explaining that they want non-binary people to feel comfortable so even though they identify as cis they use the pronoun they them. I refuse to do this equation and Justice League actor has been summoned

to attend a court hearing in Vermont blah blah blah do you think they have any money left? does Xur have money? they got money I would say Xur's got some bands left for sure this is the other I mean because Xur's probably

twisted Z has probably made so much money. Invader Zim has so twisted. Invader Zim is slaying money-wise. Well, it's just like, okay, why do you need to go... First of all, how do you get from Hawaii to Vermont?

I mean, probably by plane. It's probably not that hard. And again, it's just like, how do you go from running a grooming by plane. It's probably not that hard. It's just like, how do you go from running a grooming compound to suddenly stealing alcohol in Vermont? Precisely because of the money. The only way you do that is with a bunch of money.

Also, who goes from Hawaii to Vermont? An insane zim. Let's see. I want to see when they are going to prison. I think that ever since that they started acting crazy. How long? Okay, say you're the judge. Okay. In this

court. Okay. But you are not trying Zim for the physical assault. The only charge on the table, okay, Judge Gonsolin, the okay, Judge Gonsolin? The reputable Judge Gonsolin of Vermont. You are prosecuting Zim, this person, for burglary.

What? Granted, the jury, you know, guilty. It's going to be guilty. You are deciding the sentencing for Zem. How many years? Maybe no years. What are you going to do to Zezra?

How long are they going to Zrizen? The court has reached a decision on Sir Ezra Miller. We are a zendencing zoo. We are a zendencing zoo. Zem is in

zendence. The French ambassador is here to cover this. No, truly, truly, truly. We can drop the zem. It's probably very annoying. What's your sentencing for Ezra? Let me do this. Sir, the sentence for you, Ezra Miller,

is 25 years in the camp. In the camp? Internment camp. So not... Oh my god. Wait, so he's not even going... Fuck, they're not even going to prison. No, no.

Z is going to an internment camp. Where's the internment camp? Ezra Miller. Judge, where are the internment camps? Ezra Miller would get too horny in jail. With all the white supremacy and all of the other gay tomfoolery.

I mean, well, the thing is, I doubt he's ever had sex. He's probably had sex. He probably had sex with a guy. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Have you seen the makeup he puts on his face and you're like, oh... But that just seems so fake queer or cishet.

Just because it seems fake queer doesn't mean that that person doesn't have cocks ran down their ass and their mouth at any opportunity. Well, he also just seems like... He's probably been assaulted. Look, I'm going to put the... I mean, child star in Hollywood. We've covered this. He's probably...

Is he a Disney star? I don't know. Bro, he's been around. Okay, he was a child star. Was he one of the Jonas's? He's been... No, no. It's Ezra Miller, not Ezra Jonas. Okay, well, look. Oh, listen.

Police body can't put... Oh, never mind. There's a quote. There's a quote. There's a quote that starts, I got assaulted and I assumed it was Ezra giving comment about how he was assaulted as a child in Hollywood. But the full quote is,

I got assaulted and I started filming. Let me show you the video. I got assaulted by Ezra twice in a row at a bar. So it was someone who actually... Hey, mom. I'm recording right now. So I need to call you back. Hello, Val. Tell Val I said hi. Jock, tell Valerie

I said hi. Jock. I know, mom. I have to go. Tell her I said hi. Ben says hi. Ben says hi. Put it on speaker. She said, Okay, fine. Put it on speaker. No, she has to go.

She said, hi, Ben. It's really funny. Hi, Val. Okay. I love her. She's such a queen. Okay, so Ezra's being sent to an internment camp.

Is this a labor camp or a death camp? Labor camp, of course. That person's never worked a day in their life. That's true. What are you guys making them smash breaks? Oh's true. What are you guys making?

Zem smash breaks? Oh, no. We are making... What kind of work is Zem doing? What is the name of that Greek myth where the guy has to push the rock? Sisyphus. Sisyphus-style punishment. Brainslay on my part.

I mean, really, though. I was like syphilis. I knew exactly what you were talking about. What's that guy? Syphilis really though, I was like syphilis. I knew exactly what you were talking about. I was like, what's that guy? Syphilis. Yep. It's going to be syphilis. Syphilis style. He has to push up a hill, a giant boulder up and

to the very top. So literally doing what Sisyphus said. No updating. Oh, no, no. There's an update. There's a total update. Okay, amazing. I was expecting a total update. So actually,. I was expecting a total update. So actually, it looks just like a hill with a rock on it, but unknown to Ezra.

There's a banana peel. As Z does this, yeah. As Z does this impossible act, it's actually generating power. It's actually a power generator. Oh, like a hamster wheel. It's like the kinetic energy of the ball going up and down. The energy is

harnessed. Sure, why not? It powers the entire electricity of the Nickelodeon studios. Okay. They need to abuse him further. I mean, maybe we just send him back to Nickelodeon.

Send him back to God. We could put one bullet in between his eyes. He could be killed. I'm just saying this is a parody or like a thought. It's not an intention. Jock is not a reputable, honorable judge from Vermont. I don't have a gun anymore, so it's fine.

You got rid of your gun? I didn't get rid of it, but something's happened to it. So where is it? What happened to your gun? This is a... Did you lose your gun? I would never lose my gun. You absolutely would lose a gun. You'd lose everything.

Where's the gun if you didn't lose it? Do you like throw it at someone? Someone stole your gun? Chuck! I don't want to get into this into I don't know if we should mention get just get this off their bullets in it no there are ping pongs in it

yes they're fucking bullets and what do you think what kind of I don't know what kind of point no they're regular bullets what do you expect what do you want me to be like golden gun bullets. They kill on one hit. Jack, that is so fucked up. This is a long time ago. Do you have the

how long? Right before Sandy Hook? No, this is like, shut the fuck up. Alex Jones, Edgerton. Wait, I cannot believe you lost your gun. Look, this is years ago this is like probably seven to eight years ago and I

so briefly had this thing there's not even pictures of me with it people didn't even know I had this well you're admitting to it on public record well I'm admitting to it now but this is when I was scared and I'll tell you something you know what happened did you say this is when you were let me just tell you something

I it's so ironic I got it for protection Did you say this is when you were... Look, let me just tell you something. I... It's so ironic. I got it for protection. I got it for protection. And what's ironic about it is that you got it for protection. It was being used to hurt other people by a stranger. Okay, look, you didn't even let me finish. Why don't you shut your little pink, pale, gappy mouth up for two seconds? Why don't you pull the cock out of your mouth and listen for a second. Okay, where'd the

gun go? So I decided to go spend the night at my friend's house for one night, my old roommates, and I decided to bring, at the time, I only had a desktop computer, and I decided to bring my desktop computer so we could watch a movie that I had illegally downloaded. Well, I'm admitting

to so many things right now that are illegal. Oh, but I don't think illegally downloading Matrix or whatever is similar to losing a gun. Well, when I arrived back to my apartment the next day, my apartment had been

burgled. They stole the entire contents of my refrigerator. Oh, wait. So you reported to police that the gun was stolen? Yes. Oh yes. So it's actually fine. It's fine to have a gun be stolen.

If you report it to the police, then it's already on record that it's been stolen. It's not your fault. And listen to what these motherfuckers stole. They stole everything in my refrigerator including all of the condiments they stole all the condiments?

this to me was worse than them taking a gun they took my internet router who does that? they so

they took my they took my curtains. They took your curtains. Okay, wait. At the time, I also put my money in my fridge. It would have been devastating.

I was selling weed and they stole my weed all of my pipes and my money that I had hidden in the back of the fridge so it gets it gets worse it gets you're like how could how could the situation get worse John you already got robbed they came back

for three what do you mean they came back for why didn't you lock your fucking door what were you doing what was left to steal? They sold condiments and curtains and a gun. Ben, please listen to me. Please listen.

I didn't have that much weed in there. I had a small amount. And at the time, I was kind of I was maybe helping sell some weed. Maybe a little too much. Maybe you were helping sell a little bit too much weed. Allegedly. With a gun?

Jock. That gun being stolen from you was the best thing that ever happened. It was a lender. I wish I had it back. It was a lender. What was a lender? The gun? Yes.

Because I had to protect what... Look, just listen to this. Oh my god. Thank god they didn't get my... Thank god they didn't get the huge stash of weed, which is great. But the thing that's... They came back for three days.

Yeah. Now... Were you in the house no because I was like after that I was like I'm staying I'm not staying at my house after this for a few days I feel weird would you want to stay at your house after you someone broke into it and stole my gun

that I was lent and my router and my ketchup I don't think so but I think I would also like make sure they didn't come back you're a great listener why don't you shut the fuck up and let me finish the story. Finally, I'm like, you know what?

Until I figure out something to make this safer, I'm not going to stay here. Me and my dad, we nailed the doors and the windows shut. They kicked in an air conditioning unit that

was built into the house. In a window? It was a not like your regular window. It was so built into the house structure-wise for them to

have... So they kicked it and they got in there where did they take that what was left they must have been like six four in the size of Shaq like body strength I was just like what the fuck what else did they take so the next day they

came back and they kicked the door down like this is like a biblical story this is like Kane and his dad like pending to ham who tried to save their k from being burgled so they came back for three times each time they came back each time they came back they just tussled my apartment worse what do you mean they tussled there apartment worse? They just threw shit around? All my furniture

was flipped over. All my drawers, all the drawers to any cabinet was they took the drawer out and threw it on the floor. Finally, the last day, and this is how I knew, the last day

they come back, they kick in the AC take you know they just fuck everything up they take over the furniture there's wooden floors but there was also wooden panels covering certain things in an older house they pulled back every wooden

panel and every single vent that had a covering they think you have a safe behind that you would wooden panel and every single vent that had a covering. They think you have a safe behind that? They think I have shit hidden in the vents. You would. Well, luckily,

I thought a little better than that. Really? Oh, so they didn't get the weed. You stashed the weed. So the first day after they robbed me, I got everything that... Where'd you hide it? Not at that house. So you hide it? Not at that house. So you moved it?

Yeah. Which was the weed. By the way, the weed never got stolen. What did you take? What did you hide? What were the most prized belongings after the Lantagon and the mayonnaise? I'll be honest after they took my

after they took my pipes after they took my pipe and food I was like what else do I have and router it's not like they're going to steal my faggy fugly clothes obviously they didn't want a maternity they don't want those

baby Betty Boop shirts well it was just like... Obviously, it stopped, but then my landlord was like, I'm going to have to... She was trying to... Why is the house so tussled? She was like,

look, I just don't think it's safe for you to live here, so I think I'm going to need you to move out. Yeah, yeah. She tore down the apartment building after that. Oh my God. Wait, do you think she... What if she...

No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. What if she did it? She didn't. How was your apartment burgled for four days in a row without any of your neighbors noticing? It was on a really busy street on the corner across the street from the university. That means when you're busy, no one

saw people kicking in an air conditioner unit? There's a church next door. Again, that's more of a... Jock. I know. Can you just shut the fuck up for a second? You don't know how to listen to a goddamn story. Do you want to hear the story? No, I'm saying how is it burgled

for four days in a row and you're like, you don't understand Ben, it's on a busy street next to a church and an apartment building. It's on the corner of Johnson Street next to the University of Lafayette. Okay, but look. Anyway, she evicts all of the tenants because this is like the final crime

she has had at this place. There has been, I have had friends living in and out of this in this it's a three units in one house and they were all weird units and the third back unit had a full a full upstairs attic room that people over the years had been arrested for growing weed at separate people and people i knew and there had been someone who someone had been arrested for growing weed at separate people and people I knew and there had been someone who someone had been murdered in the building while that woman

owned it there had been multiple drug raids there it was just like she after it got it getting robbed she was just like I'm tearing this down and selling it and you know what she does full-time now she quit being a landlord and now she's a full-time squirrel

rescuer. Stop. I thought our friend Kyla was too dedicated to animals. I mean, that's honestly quite a turnaround in terms of

the job you're doing, being landlord to rich woman who's so like squirrel rescuer I mean look it was one of the most beautiful part as all even though I got robbed I lived in every I lived in

two different units in that same building and oh I've seen this building you showed me this place in Lafayette different units in that same building. Oh, I've seen this building. You showed me this place in Lafayette. Across the street from the University. Yes. You showed me this place. It's not torn down. It's torn down now.

I doubt, no. Maybe you showed me where it was, but I definitely remember looking at it. I probably showed you a different place because it had been torn down for quite some time. But yeah. Just a little tale from Jacques' crypt. Well, I hope that

you don't get robbed again in your new house. It looks like it's much more... Can I stay there? Is there an open room? No, but there's a couch. Can I sleep on a couch? Yeah, but also my room is so big that you could come... And it's clean.

Look, actually, I'll give you a little tour. Yeah, let me verify that it's clean. Actually, this is incredibly clean. I would sleep in there for sure. I would put an air mattress on the floor. Okay, or I'd sleep on a couch. I'm going to come there in October. Yeah, that's fine.

I love... I want to do my little New Orleans to Lafayette. I can't wait to be scared by a pale ghost like you. Because I feel like the tickets from Las Vegas to New Orleans are probably so cheap. It's like Spirit Airlines.

They could be really cheap. But what I was... I feel like trips to Las Vegas in general are very cheap. It's like $80 to get to New York. Oh, really? That cheap? Yeah. One recommendation.

What? In Vegas? Yes, Bellagio. I'm hanging out with Griff, bitch. We're falling the fuck out. Bellagio, Bellagio, Bellagio. Even if you just spend 30 minutes there, Ben, they have a botanical garden made of plastic flowers. It's so

beautiful. Yeah, Stephen was telling me about that. I am going to be balling out with Griff and a few friends, and then I'm coming to New Orleans, and it's going to be fucking iconic. You better get ready. It's going to be so cool that you're going to lose all of your serotonin in Vegas and then

come straight to New Orleans. I have serotonin syndrome. No, I'm going to do like mushrooms and shit. Last thing before we end this, but aren't they now saying that serotonin syndrome is not caused by drugs or something like that? I hope so.

I don't know. I don't have it. I don't know if I was just hearing a lying drug addict being like, yeah, no, serotonin syndrome is over. Also, I'm not at risk of getting serotonin syndrome at all. I don't know. Have you ever seen

a vacuum at work? Okay. And on that note, I would love to say thank you so much for listening to Seeking Derangements. If you're a police officer listening to this, everything was a joke. A joke, joke, joke. The jock reported the gun

being stolen. So did the rightful owner of that gun. I have never committed a crime it's a lie and I'm a perfect angel that is not a lie thank you guys so much for listening today

all my stories are true but you don't even know no they're lies I don't know okay bye Bye. I'm on the G-Walk, and I don't give a fuck I only have my member's tassel Because the world is on my knees Oh, I'm on the G-Walk