Seeking Derangements - SD 154 - To Slay or Not To Slay

Episode Date: September 3, 2022

SD 154 - To Slay or Not To Slay by Seeking Derangements

Bye. Let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Seeking Derangements. It's a Jock-free scream intro. I'm so surprised you restrained yourself, Jock. There we go. There it is. There we go. There it is.

That's a really good. I'm going to isolate that scream. If you scream, you can scream. You just when you do it you hold your just point your direction like that. Yeah. See, I'm listening to the viewers at home. Ben just is pointing his mic in the opposite direction of where he is.

Exactly. Exactly. Okay, so we've got some good things to talk about today. Guys, did you see the VMAs? The VMAs? The Video Music Awards? Oh, of course I did. What the hell was going on there? I looked up, they were in Newark. Am I the only person that thought Fergie was doing terrible

with her performance? Let's get retarded in here. I didn't watch it, but I did see a clip of Fergie's performance, and she is I still feel like she's just so embarrassing. She's blasted, man. She'll never be gone.

She really peed her pants on stage one time? Twice. Really? That's kind of iconic honestly i was gonna say she'll never be more cool than when she peed her pants and then when she did that performance on um i believe it was good morning america and she's middle of time squares at 8 a at she's in the middle of time square at 8 a.m doing flips and singing um welcome to the jungle oh my god and she goes do you know where you are and then these kids are like Wisconsin families and like children like cheering she's like do you know where the fuck you are you're in the jungle

she does like nine backflips it's so it's like the part in pinocchio where he goes to the scary island and like everyone's scary faces are looking down at him like no shit yeah no she just something is lost for her that'll never come back i feel bad for her i have a list of uh this year's big winners i'm just going to read them to you guys and i want you to tell me if you think they deserve it and if you think they didn want you to tell me if you think they deserve it. And if you think they didn't deserve it, tell me what you think they should have won instead. And if you've never heard of them.

Yeah. Okay. Video of the Year goes to Taylor Swift for All Too Well. Why are they still giving this bitch awards? I feel like the only award she should be given is One Way Ticket to Guantanamo Bay. are they still giving this bitch awards i feel like the only award she should be given is uh one way ticket to guantanamo bay i think the only award that she should be given should be

immediately taken away by kanye west and then actually every time every time and it's literally every time she gets an award kanye west should drop out of the ceiling and just she goes hey she could be forced to present him with an award every single time i know but i have having a special malice towards her today because the other day that's the core the stupid terrible chorus the song look what you made me do was her school shooter anthem for so long yeah look what you made yeah. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you made me do.

Shut up, I hate it. I hate her so much. It's so annoying when she tries to be like anything other than like a woman who should just be like a camp counselor, like Christian camp counselor with like an acoustic guitar. If she stays in that lane it's amazing look what you made me do there sounds like she tried anal once and accidentally shit

yeah i mean that would be more iconic than what it probably is which is like look you made me release a song look you made me pretend to be black. Okay, artist of the year goes to Bad Bunny. Bad Bunny. I just don't listen to Bad Bunny. He absolutely deserves it. I'm a huge Bad Bunny stan. I have been since day one.

Every time a car drives by in Bushwick blasting the tastiest reggaeton beats i've ever heard and i shazam it on my phone really quickly before they drive away it's always bad bunny it's yeah i feel i mean like i hear at least 10 of his songs daily just from walking around um i think his music is amazing i love what isn't he short no he's like 5'10 5'11

he's tall I love what he's doing for like Latin American music he's not having to sing in English and he it sounds corny to say but he's really staying true

to like you know his people mi gente wow he is 5'11 yeah what are his people

he does give short vibes I will say really where is he from he's so clearly he's so clearly. Really? Where is he from? He's so clearly pretty tall. Where is he from? He's from Puerto Rico. Oh, okay.

Him and J-Lo should date. No, J-Lo and Ben. That's not really the vibe. J-Lo and Ben Affleck. I'm just saying because they're both Puerto Rican. Superstars. He has a girlfriend. He should date my friend Chava. Yeah.

Did you see him kiss that guy? Oh my God, I saw it. I thought it was really hot. It seemed like a very, it was, I was enjoying it. Of course it was planned, but it looked spontaneous. It also didn't, it wasn't like, it didn't feel desperate. Like the way that like a lot of like straight male um like harry styles for example yeah like the way they like kind of quote unquote queer bait or

whatever this just felt more like just purely sexy it was like a it was like a throwback to like madonna kiss britney yeah and when i was watching it the face that the the dancer was making which one just the male the one getting kissed no the the face of the dancer uh behind my house who dances in the alleyway he kissed a woman dancer and a male dancer uh well definitely i'm talking about the man why would i have any commentary on the women? Normal. Okay. Wait, what was wrong with him? No, he just was like so excited.

If you look at him while it's happening, he's like... I think that's beautiful. Why wouldn't you be? It was cute. He was legitimately excited to kiss him. Okay, you know what? Actually, I'm not even mad. I'm just jealous. Yeah.

I feel like you're just jealous. Maybe just admit that you're being jealous. Yeah, I admit it. i'm being jealous of him i've lost yeah you guys were right all along it's impossible to it's impossible to say that like latinos are queerbaiting though because they're all bi yeah is that the rule of the latino like all trade is latino i feel like like 80% of trade is just Latinos. But like when someone like Harry Styles is like wearing a dress or something. When are you going to date a woman, Ben?

Why hasn't that happened? Let's talk about the real misogyny there. Because I dated a woman? Yeah, I've always felt like there was like a really underlying misogynistic tone about it. No, I'm mostly friends with women. Wow. Only capable'm mostly friends with women. Wow.

I support a lot of women. You're being friends of women because you don't respect them on the same level that you respect yourself. If I got a girlfriend, you'd be so jealous. You'd kill yourself. I'd be so happy for you. Wait, wait, wait, Chuck. You're saying that friendship means you don't respect someone? No.

Yet I'm your friend. No, I'm kidding. What is that? I'm just making a joke here, Hessa. Can you take a chill pill for once? Jesus Whoa Whoa

Now you're talking down to the men Someone woke up on the wrong side of the Now you're being very mean to women Cardboard In the alleyway Okay and you're calling her homeless Why? You said that

Oh my god You said that I didn't even make that joke She just happened to be sleeping on cardboard in the alleyway Why can't she? I was breakdancing She's a breakdancer I was about to say She fells in breakdancing again i don't think for money

because she's homeless wow so now now you're gonna call her homeless because she's a breakdance girl that's really offensive okay album of the year harry styles for an album called harry's house harry's house he's so disgusting to me i can't think of a single harry styles song i do think he's hot i mentioned this last episode i think i will have you seen the conspiracy that he's he is wearing a hairpiece really yeah i believe it i'm looking it up okay hot take because he's already have he's had a receding hairline for quite a while. And there are pictures of his receding hairline dating back for years. And there are other pictures that seemingly show his wig literally being snatched while he performs. Oh my god.

It catches some air. I feel bad for him now. Yeah, now Jacques is like. I feel bad for him now. Really? Yeah, now I feel bad. Now I feel bad. You just melted my heart telling me this. Just get a hair transplant. Bitch, you have money. No, I don't.

What do I look like? Not you. I'm talking about Harry. Not you. You clearly, yeah, no. I'm talking about Harry Styles. I'm looking at the pictures. I don't know.

It looks like it's just floppy. Can I tell you all the real album of the year? No, I think it's probably. I feel like he could actually be bald. I feel like I just want him to be bald because I hate him. I hope he's bald. I'm really hopeful

that he is bald. You know who really deserved the album of the year? Yeah, who deserved album of the year? You? No, the blue album, Weezer. Weezer made a new album? Well, no, wait. Oh, wait, never mind, never mind.

That's the old album. Sorry, I was just saying what my favorite album this year was. Oh, I see, I see. What award do you think Harry Styles should have won? Biggest Draggett. Biggest Draggett. No, just Biggest Faggot. Because then the gays would get even more

mad because he'd be stealing awards honestly honestly i want him to do something legitimately homophobic so people can yeah at him for doing something legitimately homophobic and not like just wearing lipstick or something like i'd love for him to like clock a gay guy in the face i would love if they told them a trans woman they should have they should have told him they were going to give him the album of the year and then right before they answered they said worst hemorrhoids harry styles yeah he gets really embarrassed and they present him with uh like uh like a gold okay wait can we talk about the statues for one second also because the moon man right yeah the way the flag in the moon man's hand moves around is so

unserious it's like so funny the one it looks like a cake topper yeah no the best like latina album the one who won it whatever that award's called yeah um when she was giving her speech the the flag just kept flopping around i was like oh my god someone glue that thing at least for the speech you gotta glue it like truly she's really hot she has Instagram face like they say she looks like Emrata, Addison Rae Madison Bear those people are neither of you know who they are

but they all literally look alike did you see Young Gravy took Addison Rae's mom Young Gravy took Addison Rae's mom who the fuck are these people I don't know jock honest to god i'm like like do not like i i know what happened to the vmas this used to be a pop uh culture event who the fuck are these i mean it still is for people young gravy addison ray who the hell

i love i love addison ray I think her music is really good. Young Gravy, on the other hand, is incredibly, incredibly corny and really, really, really, really embarrassing. He's like a white meme rapper. Where have all the cowboys gone? He's like Young Dicky or Little Dicky, whatever that other one's name is. I like Little Dicky, though. He's like that, but more annoying.

I don't really like little dicky let me bring a bring up something I was like okay how can they really shock the audience of throughout this entire thing they make young gravy go to the VMAs without SNR's mom did you hear no again that that no that doesn't shock me at all I just heard I've heard you say it three times um what about Johnny Depp coming down as the moon man and he's like, this is the only job I could get. You can hire me for bar mitzvahs, birthday parties.

Yeah. On top of that, how low brow can you get? Even on top of that, Young Gravy took Addison Rae's mom. Okay, shut the fuck up about this mom shit. As a date. As a date to the VMAs. It was Young Gravy.

The VMAs, the Video Music Awards, Young Gravy. Y'all are doing that thing where y'all make the face that annoys me as well as say annoying things. But yeah, did you hear it was to the VMAs? Shut the fuck up, you two. I hate when you two do this. It's like, who won the Addison Ray's mom's date award at the VMAs? I would

say it was Young Gravy I feel like I'm being tricked I feel like I'm being tricked by Lindsay Lohan's Twins in Parent Trap What? You know how they're always tricking the parents In Parent Trap I feel like I'm being tricked right now

So you're Pierce Brosnan Or maybe you're Addison Rae Because Young Gravy took Her mom as a date to the VMAs So you're Pierce Brosnan Or maybe you're Addison Rae Dude I'm Dennis Quaid Because Young Gravy took her mom as a date to the VMAs Yeah oh my god Young Gravy is like Pierce Brosnan Yeah Before he went to the VMAs Yeah before he went to the VMAs on a date

Y'all fucking disgust me You people fucking disgust me With your hate and your bigotry Okay we can move on past that But do you think they fucked after the VMAs? I think they fucked during the VMAs. It's not worth it if you're going to take Addison Rae's mom to the thing, you better fuck her.

Like Young Gravy. Like Young Gravy. Yeah, Young Gravy did. I'm sure she loved the taste of that Young Gravy. They both look like shit they look so disgusting i know well she looked pretty good i don't know how old is she like yeah because she's got to be pretty old right probably my roommate is locked out of the house i have to go unlock them okay bye okay bye um i knew he was gonna hate the Addison Rae Yeah I know

For the listeners at home We did that in the group chat for like 20 minutes earlier Just repeating that phrase Yeah so yeah did you hear that hey jock did you remake it in jock did you remake it in what does that matter i'm just curious i shot them him you shot your roommate you shot them you've been shot that's what's going on no i'm just kidding i'm kidding i just i let them inside they're inside okay they made it in the worst artist of the year we were talking about

how addison ray's mom was taken to the vMAs by young gravy. God damn it. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, go on. Song of the Year. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Can I guess? Yeah. All-star Smash Mouth. Why don't you just meet me in the middle?

No. Song of the Year was Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, which I don't believe. Never even heard in my entire life. She seems incredibly depressed at all times. Yeah, she looks like a dog that's never been adopted from a dog adoption center. Literally, she should have won an award for least adopted dog in the clinic. Hessa, what is your song of the year?

My song of the year? Well, first of all, do you guys remember when Billie Eilish did the fake Latina accent to accept that award? Oh my God, me. No way. Me. What? I've never seen this. Thank you so much. I love this award. I'm just honored to be here. I never take anything seriously at these

kind of things, but I genuinely want to say I'm so grateful and I only want to say that I'm grateful and that I'm so honored to be here amongst all of you. I love you to my core. I grew up watching all of you. Thank you to my team, my mom, my dad,

my best friends, Drew and Zoe, for keeping me alive to this day. Justin, Danny, Brandon, Michelle, Chelsea, Spencer, you say something, please. You know, this is a really, really big deal and we don't... I have no idea what to say. Then he turns to her brother and she's like,

say something. And her brother goes up to the mic and is like, oh, wow, I really don't even quite know what to say about any of this. It's just like... He sounds like fucking... He sounds like Tim Cook. Following her. He sounds like the whitest man

ever yeah she goes she goes say something siblings yeah say something say something do y'all agree they give me super weird vibes as siblings i that's really the only bit of them i've seen and i i anything i see with them even pictures of them together. Yeah, some fucked up cartoon name. Isn't his name like Phineas? Yes, it is. Phineas? Phineas? Come here, we need to produce another song. I do love her eyes, though.

She has like big, beautiful eyes. Yeah, you would because you're straight now. No, she doesn't have really pretty eyes. She has a pretty face. She's pretty. She is gorgeous. I love her like- Dar's so horny for her and Addison Rae and Young Gravy.

I love her old Hollywood look. Yeah. She's really beautiful. But I just find her music to be really boring. Although I know a lot of Gen Z likes her. I like Bad Guy. That's a good one. I don't like that song.

That is a pretty good song. I do like that song. The keyboard in it is so like Halloween, spirit Halloween. I know, but I love that. That's the best part about it. Oh, I don't like that. Okay. Best new artist goes to Dove Cameron.

I have zero clue who this person is. And they were LGBT, which makes me not like them. They're lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender at the same time. I guess so. Is that possible? I'm looking up Dove Cameron.

Could someone be all of the acronyms at once? Ben's trying to do The mental math To see if you could do that Do you think that You know someone Who's all of them? I guess you are

Hessa's one in a million You're kind of all of them At once Ace of spades Yeah Jock you You're not Why am I not?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you bitch Why don't you Why don't you go Get pounded or something? You're not T You're non-binary. Whatever. I'm a...

You could be G and B. I don't want GHB anymore. Stop trying to offer it to me. Jock is pretty T. I'm pretty T under me. Jock's LGBTQ and plus. Tough for plus size. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Oh my god fucking shut the hell up who do you think you are talking to me you're sorry i'm sorry i can't help myself my curly hair and my blue eyes all right there provoke me to act like a little demon i'm such a little bitch okay so what were you gonna say um yeah what the fuck were you gonna say speak i was gonna say today's podcast is sponsored by raid shadow legends one of the biggest mobile role-playing games of 2022 and it's totally free currently almost 10 million users have joined raid for the last six jock um i'll cut this part out but um i got offered to be sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends.

So I'm just going to read this ad. You don't get any of the money though, okay? What the fuck? Fuck this. I hate her. Shut up. Are you for real? Yeah. Wait, what is? Sorry, what? Hessa's stealing from us again.

Wait, Elena, you got a you're All the champions in the game can be customized stealing from us again. Wait, Elena. You got a... All the champions in the game can be customized with unique gear that changes your specific buffs and abilities. The dungeon bosses have some ridiculous skills of their own. Wait, sorry, but this is a sponsorship for what? Excuse me, shh. I'm trying to hear the advertisement.

Have you never heard of it? No. Ben, I'll give you like 10% if you want. Well, I feel like I should get 10%. I want 50. Jacques, I'll give you like 10% if you want. Well, I feel like I should get 10%. I want 50. Jacques, I'll give you 1%. Is that a deal? Hessa, not again. I told you.

You give me 1% for another business deal. Yeah, I'm being for real. She's not being for real. Look at her hair. It's all messy. She's not fucking being serious. I'm so bad at lying. Don't you?

If I get 10%, I'm fine with that. I can't trick anyone. You can't trick anyone. Next time, I'll do it. We'll forget about this bit in a week. Rule number one,

before either of you homos ever come at me trying to trick at me. he would have started crying. He would have thrown his computer out of his window. Shut the fuck up.

He would have shot up a school bus of children if I did that. First of all, I can tell very easily that y'all are lying because y'all don't comb y'all's hairs before the meeting second talking about just your messy hair really both y'all have some really messy hair it's not my fault best collaboration little nas x and

jack harlow for industry baby okay first of all never heard of it never gonna listen to it don't this song is not sorry great this song is pretty annoying. Literally, I'm not kidding. This is literally the first time I've heard of it. I need to listen to like FM radio more. You really don't. It's so random of you. I don't feel like anyone really listens to these songs. No one needs to sit around listening to FM radio unless you have zero brain cells left.

But I do like... Or mom like driving your kids to hockey practice or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah um i do like the collaboration between these two i think they have a really cute vibe um i don't really like jack harlow i will always love little nas x because he yeah the shit poster iconic yeah shit poster he made it he's living the dream he's living the dream absolutely i love him and he's he's doing it really well he seems like a really sweet funny guy um the song i liked his fuck bt song with young uh nba uh young boy he looked good last night also i loved that like weird dress he was

wearing with all the cutouts it was pretty hot oh i didn't like the cutouts you didn't i liked that dress i might be thinking of a different image it was a good oh i didn't like the cutouts you didn't i liked that dress i might be thinking of a different image it was a good black dress with a bunch of cutouts with like silver um lining oh no yeah i'm thinking of something else he looked cute he had his hair looked good wrong i would say i would say best collaboration just two personalities working on a song i i'm fine with that going to them. What were the other contestants? I gotta know the contestants. I don't remember. The other contestants were No Doubt

and Eve. I'm not kidding. I've shazammed the song It's My Life by No Doubt twice in my life. I don't recognize the opening of it. I'm like, what the fuck? This is so good. That song is so good.

I shazam it and I'm like, oh.'t recognize the opening of it. And I'm like, what the fuck? This is so good. That song is so good. And then I just am it. And I'm like, oh, it's such a good cover. I heard in Iowa when I was there. Made me cry. This song. Cool. Oh, my God.

That's so good. Gwen Stefani song. It's an amazing Glenn song. Immediately relaxes you. Makes you feel OK about being. OK. I feel like we're all gonna be mad at this next one best pop song harry styles for as it was well that's not fair because i've never heard that how could they even they didn't even call me um i have heard this song it's not

good um it's very annoying he sucks my dick i him so much, and I wish he was dead. He's such a loser. He's a complete loser. He's so desperate. I feel like he would do anything. The best collaboration nominees were The Weeknd and Rosalia. Yeah, that was a good clap. I'm glad she's not on this list.

She should be on her biggest list. Is Elton John and Dua Lipa on here? Yes, Elton John and Dua Lipa is here. Cold Heart. Elton John, I hate. I've been on record as saying I never liked Elton John. I don't like any of his songs. I don't like him.

Did you see that video of him at some public event? He looked like a lesbian. Yeah, he looked like my great aunt. He's like, oh, everyone's like, oh, Tio's here. My Aunt Rosemary. Yeah. Auntie's here. Auntie Tia. Elta.

Elton Juanita is here. My favorite meme going around lately is like someone spilled some kind of container of lotion in a supermarket store and it says a cleanup on aisle five out in John Farted. Like it looks like a puddle of. Oh my God. That's like a boomer. That's such a boomer meme. That's like Rod Stewart, like getting his stomach pumped from sucking dicks core meme. Y'all know y'all love it.

Who are the other collaborations? Is that it? We have Justin Bieber and the Kid LAROI. Boring. That song was actually good. I'm not even gonna lie.

I'll take your word for it because I'm never gonna listen to it. One Right Now by The Weeknd and Post Malone. Horrible. Like, stay. Okay, well, I'll take your word for it, because I'm never going to listen to it. It's a fine pop song. I don't know why I like it. One Right Now by The Weeknd and Post Malone. Horrible. When did I start never, ever hearing any of these songs even once? Like, truly, I wonder. I hear them on TikTok.

Half of these are, like, viral TikTok songs. And then Drake Future and Young Thug for Way Too Sexy. Oh, I do love that song. I love Young Thug. Okay, best hip-hop. Nicki Minaj featuring Lil Baby, Do We Have a Problem. Well, yeah. I'm always happy when Nicki wins anything.

I love Nicki, but this is a song I don't know. Am I stupid? I'm not a Barb. I don't know this song personally. I'm not a Barb, but I feel like spiritually I not a Barb. I don't know this one personally. I'm not a Barb, but I feel like spiritually I'm a Barb. Economically, I'm definitely a Barb. You're in the Barb

economic level? Why? I'm a socio-Barbonomic. I feel like I could major in Barbonomics. Yeah. Why are you in the barb category, economically speaking? Financially, I fall under that category

when I was filling out some tax forms recently. If you are in a certain earning... A certain bracket? A certain earning bracket. Wait, what's what's wait what's your income per year i don't i don't feel comfortable mentioning this on the i feel like i could guess 22 a year okay make probably like 27 000 a year i would guess that's how much i get from raid shadow Shadow Legends per episode.

They have you on a year-long contract. Yeah, I get $27,000 per episode. Yeah. If I read at least 6% of the ad. Yeah, it's just one ad per year. I'm doing the mental math right now, but I make $100 a month. So there's 12 months. So I make $1,200 a month so there's 12 months so i make a thousand two hundred a year

that's right um okay best rock is a song called black summer by red hot chili peppers okay first of all like still doing like going black summer is a little questionable well no no no red hot chilippers were sitting around and they heard the song White Boy Summer and then they were sitting around and they're like, let me pitch this to you. Those white boys are not going to get away with this. We're protecting our summer.

They're like talking to just a random black guy and they're like, we're protecting our summer. And just gesturing like all of us. They've got a Jononi mitchell attitude yeah truly um okay best alternative is uh i hate hate this band and i hate this song that wait can i guess worse than you will you will have i'm telling you how to please but you'll be wrong you won't know you won't know you will not know the chain smokers uh tegan and michelle don't you throw some lesbian 1975 uh i believe they're italian a band

called uh man man skin man skin i don't know how to pronounce it for a song called i want to be your slave it is what does it go like i'm not a little bit jock i'm not gonna sing it i think is that the one that's like i beg you um it's by that band it might be that same song i've only ever heard like 30 seconds of their songs and they all make me incredibly irrationally angry. Well, rationally angry because they're horrible. But popular rock and roll has taken the worst toll. It's literally not hot music like this is in any way popular. And like, who is listening to this? Even worse to imagine that people think this is hot music.

People think it's a sexy song. I need your advice on what to, how do I get my TikTok to show me good stuff? Because right now it's just like, here's Snoop Dogg counting money. It depends on... You have to like stuff that you... Don't like anything.

Do not favor a video that's like a gay guy taking his shirt off unless it's what you want to see. I had to de-sexify. I wonder if that's a real thing that happened to you i had i had to literally de-sexify my tiktok algorithm because i liked like two thirst traps and then it was just like showing me a guy that looked exactly like the guy in the thirst trap with like a slight variation and then my whole feed was just like 17 carbon copies of the same

guys doing the same things and i had to i blocked all of them and i had to guard i had to start going through and disliking every video of a gay guy just be like i am not interested in this content and so now it's a lot of like Bad Bunny videos, which is getting really annoying. And then like cooking videos, which I love. I want to steal Leia's algorithm. No, no. And then I would kill myself. No offense.

That page is amazing. Who's Princess Leia? We love Leia, of course, but i would shoot myself in the head um jacques leia runs an instagram called fave tiktoks 420 oh yeah and it's like all the teens that are like um doing pedophilia to themselves no yeah they're like pov you're a little boy and i'm a mobster who just who's just killed your mom and it's like sad music playing and they're just like yeah hey buddy play with this and then it's

like hands like a stuffed animal and you hear like a gunshot in the background and yeah like flinches like I'm so sad about what I had to do and then the next video is that very same twink with like 12-inch hair thrusting his cock into his phone twink with like 12 inch hair thrusting his cock into his phone i would i can't i can i mean that page is amazing but i can barely even look at that page because i just i i don't like it it like stresses me out best latin this amazing best latin Selena. I love the category title.

Best Latin. Best Latin. Goes to Ben. Frank Sinatra again. Goes to Ben Mora. Yeah. This goes to Anita for Envolver, which is a pretty good song. I don't know her, but who's the best Latin of all time?

Hassell so you start first obviously rudolph valentino who the hell i don't even know who the fuck that is you made that up died in like 1920 what about you jock best latin of all time what's your best latin what's your pick ricky martin wait he did something bad right never mind um i i was honestly i don't know what's going on but he apparently had a gay relationship with his nephew and he's now going to jail for it the no he is not going to jail and he was cleared of the charges and the nephew recounted the story and they the recanted not recounted whatever counted the story he would have just said the story again okay i admit recanted

give me a fucking one of those things. And then the family of Ricky Martin was saying that the person was like super mentally ill or something. I feel like Ricky just paid off the family. Maybe that's homophobic of me to believe, but. Yeah. I don't know. Okay, this is, I'm going to. Also, where did you hear that?

Is that a new update in the story? I've been reading court documents about it and to be honest. Just listen. Just listen for a second. You're representing Ricky Martin martin oh my god i hate you so much right now i hate you okay jock give us the legal brief give us the true and non-legal brief i truly do not believe that ricky martin would do that to someone as he experienced that very terribly when he was younger but his before he was a solo artist he was in a uh all boy band one of the world's first boy mans i'm trying to moon uh he was one of the first world's first boy men yeah uh i'm trying to think of what the name

of the band was but they all it like, they all got molested. Yeah. They all literally, the person that the, like, it was horrible. It just, it was like,

there was a boy. Maybe we shouldn't talk about it on our comedy podcast. So you're saying, you're saying as a victim of sexual trauma, Ricky Martin would never inflict sexual trauma on someone else. I just think, yeah. Oh, Menudo. Menudo was the boy band. Menudo. Ricky Martin would never inflict sexual trauma on someone else. I just think... Yeah, oh, Menudo. Menudo was the

boy band. Menudo. The Puerto Rican boy band, and the producer, Edgardo Diaz, was like fucked up. Edgardo? Referred to as the most iconic Latin pop music band. I have heard of him.

They started at 19... Referred to as the most rapey producer and carlo garcia no no no so they started in 1990 it's okay jock we we know we know what menudo is um okay so let me let me say this one thing one thing one thing one thing okay they were active from 1977 to 2009 changing members out every five years so they could stay young forever so fucked up okay that's it right in a facebook live stream in a facebook live stream this month eric martin one of the singer's half brothers said that the allegations made by the nephew um were due to the fact that he suffers from quote-unquote mental health problems and the allegations were dropped

because the nephew was apparently spiraling. Yeah, whatever. We'll let Ricky off on this one. What do you think? No, I'm looking at Hess's face, which is stone cold creamery over here. She's just sitting there, no expression. I'mery over here. She's just sitting there no expression. I'm just sitting here.

Best R&B is The Weeknd, Out of Time. Don't know what that song is. He's cool though. He's cute. I think he makes nice music. Yeah. Best K-pop goes to

Blackpink. It's all one group right I feel like it's all Well I don't know I might get in trouble for that one It's all the same group right All the music sounds exactly the same Really It's like so funny

When they do rap sections I love when they rap I'm sorry but K-pop is so bad. I'm so sorry. I've never gotten into it. I just don't understand the appeal. It just seems like they're trying to emulate. It's like, what if Sophie was bad?

Yeah. It's literally like, what if it was really, really, really bad? What if Kim Petras? She already sucks. Yeah, I know. Exactly. was really really really bad what if what if kim petras like she already sucks yeah no exactly her the way she just like scream sings is insane what if there was a factory that turned out kim petras songs every day okay um that wasn't in langley virginia like the current best video goes to lizzo for About Damn Time. Wait, what did Taylor Swift win?

What was the first one you said? Oh, video of the year. Oh. So video of the year and best video are separate? It appears so. What the hell? I know. This video sucked. It looked like I did something.

By the way, the video sucked. I did something really mean when this video sucked it looked like um i did something by the way the video sucked i did something really mean when this video dropped i um edited it to look like it was a little caesar's hat wait can i yeah i'll send it to you it's a really fun video um because she's it's like a roman themed video she's like dancing on a giant pillar in the sky wearing a toga with like fig leaf crown and i it was like hot and ready 50 off all cheese and she's like it's about damn time. Shut up. Oh my God. It's a really good video. Did we ever even talk about it? I'll send it to you.

I just love it when, I forget who else said this. Oh, Jordan Sparks. If you know who she is, she was like a. Yes, I remember Jordan Sparks. Okay, she released a song that everyone,

they spliced it together with old Navy hats. And it's like, Bo, go back to school deal. It's the meanest thing to do to someone who's dropping a music video. Get one free at Old Navy. Speaking of Lizzo, did y'all

see the video where Andy Cohen is showing Kathy Hilton different celebrities and getting her to guess them? Oh my God. I want to say Andy Cohen is showing Kathy Hilton different celebrities and getting her to guess them. No, who did she think? Oh, my God. That was a recipe for racism. Yeah, so she shows a picture of Lizzo comes up,

and Kathy Hilton goes, Precious, stop. I'm not joking. How could you? It's like, how could you even mistake her for Gaborne Sidney? How is she still alive after that one? Precious the movie character? She's a Precious the movie based on the book Sapphire by whatever. Crystal, the co-star from Real Housewives, tries to correct her.

And she goes, no, no, Kathy always calls her Precious. And Kathy's like, yeah, no, that's my nickname for her. She's just so precious. Oh that's that's a that's a no it's a genius deflection it's a pretty good reflection yeah a deflection but no it's pretty bad i mean there's no coming back i'm like really she hasn't been but she i guess she's not big enough to be like yelled at for that no people were mad about it on the internet, but then most people just thought it was hysterical because of how color blinded it.

Like literally. Kathy Hilton's retarded. Yeah. Like literally has mental illness. What did you expect from like the richest woman on her or like, you know what? Not the richest. I love it.

Yeah. What do you expect from a rich white woman? Kathy Hilton's voice is literally like just Macy Rodman's Caitlyn Jenner impression. Yeah. She talks the exact same. Like, hey, I accidentally used super glue in my eyeballs. I don't know. I can't open my eyes. um okay so that's we can wrap up with the vmas there um yeah speaking of people

white women being canceled sydney sweeney who the hell don't know her sydney sweeney i like sweeney todd that was pretty good when i saw it in the theater like a hundred years ago is sweeney todd the demon barber of fleet street yeah yeah has to stop has a musical head I am. I watched her chorus line the other day. That's why her hair is always messy and curly. All the musicals. But Sidney Sweeney was canceled famously. For having a... I feel like...

I mean, how are people surprised that she has a conservative family? I mean, also, it's just like... That's ridiculous. look at her family was having like a hoedown or something. I know, it's like, but of course. Like, what do you want? Do you want them to be rich? Or do you want them to like be white? Do you want them to do the thing that like half of other like white celebrities do, which is like they just make really really disingenuous

um like offerings to like leftist course while having the same family like i just don't even it's like i don't even know who this this woman is but it's like give her she's an actress on euphoria um it's okay i feel like it's okay like to be like mad at her i can't represent your entire family what's her name sweet sweeney sweeney sweets or like to not like her or whatever but i just feel like this is such a funny reason to not like her i know what's her fucking name again sweeney what her name is sydney sweeney well she should be put down for having an awful name. Sydney Sweeney doesn't roll off the tongue. I think it's pretty roll-y. It's an alliteration.

Oh, the annoying girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's in White Lotus. Is she in White Lotus? I've never seen anything she's been in. You didn't watch Euphoria at all? Not even one episode? Not even one second of it?

You couldn't even stand it? You hate it so bad? I've never seen it, so I don't know how i feel about it are we really surprised that some girl that looks like a porcelain doll has conservative family give me give me a fucking that's what people on twitter i think it's like who cares first of all like you can't control it's a dad like your dad is just gonna see something and be like oh cool cool. A skull. I will say that. I will say that she should have done what I did, which is,

um, you stop being friends with your conservative family because they're conservative, but because they are tasteless and fat. Embarrassing. Yeah. Kidding. Kidding.

Kidding. Can you put some quacks in there in case anyone's listening quack moment sorry family i'm kidding they actually they they called me they called me a half breed once so i we stopped being friends with them oh my god let me break this down a little bit more she's getting canceled because she people are alleging that her mother lisa sweeney's 60th birthday was maga themed yeah i feel like that's it was a surprise hoedown what do you expect what is maga that is literally yeah the the the hats they had hats and t-shirts at the party That said make 60 great again It was annoying though

Everyone on Her dad was wearing a Blue Lives Matter shirt It is annoying that everyone on Twitter was like Yelling at the people who were making jokes about it Or like oh you're being like neo-liberal And it's like no this is like a funny moment Like it's funny to make fun of Sydney Sweeney For like being conservative

That's totally fine She is conservative herself Probably but like who cares i just i i don't care she's actually like who cares who cares make jokes about it you can like make jokes about her like going like doing january 6 whatever like that's all funny to me um i feel like if you're mad at it i feel bad for her mock her a little bit don't don't, oh, she should never work again. But you can make fun of her. I don't know. I do feel bad when there's someone who's from a family who's a shitty family.

And they get ripped on. Because I'm like, you know, they made it. Just let them chill. But also, I'm like, I don't really care. It's insane how people think that, like, their only role in, like, discourse or political life is to, like, correctly temper their reaction to, like, singularly cultural events. You know, it would be even funnier if her mom was wearing a Biden shirt or something. And then like she got canceled for that instead. Like, wow, does she even know about Biden's policies?

Yeah. Wow. What do people expect for the most like edgy show in the world? Like, oh, the actors are going to be actors and actresses are actually all super really good people. The same thing happened to Hunter Schaefer. Yeah. Hunter Schaefer got canceled, Hunter Schaefer got cancelled too. Because she hates non-binary people or something? Yeah, which is good for her. I mean, honestly.

Queen. She's hot. But, yeah. Yeah, I mean, she liked a bad post. Yeah. Everyone's like, God, it's so surprising that all the actors and actresses on that's euphoria are crazy or bad or like what do you fucking expect yeah because they're because the characters they play are crazy jock i get i mean really though and sam and sam the director sam levison

is like known for like grabbing people that are controversial that he knows that the actors will fight behind the scenes or something i don't know if that's true at all so many things about him i truly think that's the opposite of true honestly no i that's i've heard that he he like does a lot of things on set to upset the actors and actresses in order to get more emotional responses from them and i heard that's true and that's why barbie ferreira quit because she was tired of being yelled bad but by him um okay let's move on i'm gonna put on put on my little science cap again. Yeah, I think we solved the Sydney Sweeney thing. I think we resolved it.

It's fine. Not talk about it anymore. She's going to be shot in the head. Stop. Parody, parody, parody. She's a war criminal. She's a war criminal. She needs to go to jail for her war crimes.

We need to send her into Serbia with a knife and nothing else. Literally. Okay, but I've got a quiz here for both of you it's uh 29 questions so get ready i'm so ready for the blues it's gonna reveal a lot about your innermost thoughts and beliefs and feelings oh god doctor doctor scientist is here to ruin our day literally doctor scientist is here to it's giving doctor scientist it's giving doctor scientist absolutely okay patient not me and my doctor scientist era patients please shut the fuck up okay which which negative characteristic would you say is most like you? I'm emotionally needy.

I'm critical. I'm cold-hearted. I'm withdrawn. I'm nosy. I'm overbearing. Or I don't have any negative traits. Number one. I want the first.

You're both emotionally needy that's yeah very true oh fuck you bitch you've blue-eyed bitch keep going with the questions um by the way ben are you mad at me we'll see side quiz side quiz by the way side quiz ben are you mad at me A yes B no C we'll see If there was a Option on there that said I'm withholding That's the one I would have picked Shut the fuck up

Dr. Scientist next question please I'm running this quiz so please behave Where are you Where are you Most likely to meet a new partner I'm most likely to meet them at work I you most likely to meet a new partner? I'm most likely to meet them at work. I'd most likely meet them at a political protest. I'd most likely meet them by online dating.

I'd most likely be introduced to them through friends or family. I could meet them anywhere. People are drawn to me. Or I'm not looking for a new partner. I would say the second last one for me because a lot of times... You could meet them anywhere. Yeah.

Because a lot of times, I'll just be somewhere and I won't realize that the person I'm hanging out with is trying to smash. Same, same. This happened. This literally...

I won't get into it, but this happened recently i did not at all pick up that this person was flirting i was like don't think okay okay that happened to me recently i was at finnelli's and it happens to me more often than both of you but probably i don't get hit on much but what happened it was it was so funny because this guy i didn't even realize he was hitting on me but i realized that his fatal mistake was hitting on someone who was more artistic than him we were at finnelli's and it was there were three other people and two of the people at the table ordered um burgers one person got a cheeseburger their menu is like they only

sell cheeseburgers right one of my friends is like oh i'll take the cheeseburger no cheese he dropped them off he's like i've got a cheeseburger and i've got a cheeseburger with no cheese and he set the cheeseburger down for my friend who ordered the cheeseburger and he was like oh who's got the cheeseburger with no cheese and i was like oh the hamburger goes to her and he looked at me and he's like oh i haven't heard that in a while and i was was like, what? He's like, hamburger. And I was like, what do you mean you've never heard? You haven't heard someone say hamburger? This would get you so mad, I feel like. I was like, what, you haven't heard anyone say hamburger?

And he's like, yeah, people don't really say that anymore. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, I have the salmon salad. And then he walked away away and my friend who got the hamburger was like that guy you're like i was like hitting on you and i was like what he's like yeah like he was like trying to like talk to you and i was like you were like i was like what are you talking about like what the fuck you haven't heard hamburger in a while away from me it should be it should be a clear-cut sign that's such a random way to hit

on someone if it's two in the morning and someone offers you a ride home and insists to give you a ride home instead of the person that lives closer to you and then they say hey instead of going home just listen just shut up for two seconds and then they say hey do you want to come over and play mario kart and eat hummus uh that's not what they mean well i did eat hummus and mario kart but i was just surprised okay this is okay yeah i just was really surprised like oh i was like like until the moment it happened i was like oh you were flirting with me what what do you think is the most important to feel successful? Happiness, money, neither is important or both are equally important.

What's the most important to feel successful? To feel successful? To feel successful. What's the most important? I'm going to say neither are important. I'm going to go wild card. You're always such a psycho crazy bitch.

I can't pick the same things as Jacques. We already picked the these answers. Well, I can't pick the same things as Jacques. We've already picked the same things for both. You can't pick the same things. Be honest. No, I'm saying neither. Don't tell. Don't tell. I'm telling you, don't be honest. And if you pick the same questions as me... Stop. I'm picking neither.

And neither of you know why because you're not smart enough to understand. Thank you. As long as you answer the questions honestly, that's all I care about. We have to have integrity in these tests. Jock, okay. Are you telling me that I don't have fucking integrity in these tests? Are you answering honestly? Okay, let's just go.

Let's just fucking go. Answer. Happiness, money, neither is important. Both are equally important. Happiness. Did I stutter?'s just fucking go. Answer. Happiness, money, neither is important. Both are equally important. Happiness. Did I stutter? I said happiness first. Okay.

Have you ever broken the law? Yes. The law is a meaningless word. Man's law or natural law? Doesn't everyone at one point or another, whether they mean to or not? Yes, but it was justified. Or no, or not yes but it was justified or no never yes it was justified i would say doesn't everyone actually doesn't everyone everyone does whether what was the first can you read laws of meaningless word actually i would go with laws of meaningless

yeah i do that that's i that's how i would answer in court absolutely absolutely no i would go laws of meaningless word absolutely okay yeah let's pretend you're getting married what would your wedding what would your wedding what would your wedding be like it would be a big traditional church wedding it would be a small outdoor ceremony i would be it would be a small outdoor ceremony. It would be a simple legal ceremony in a courthouse. It would be a legal ceremony performed by Elvis in Las Vegas. Or I do not believe in the institution of marriage. Okay, I'm going to choose A because I feel like that's the biggest one. Big church wedding?

Yeah, I want a wedding that's like Crazy I want it to be in like a palace Or like a castle Taj Mahal That's literally what I was just thinking In my head I'm not even kidding I was going to say the Taj Mahal Which I think is a tomb for someone

It's a tomb for lovers It's a tomb for lovers Hessa's big traditional church wedding Jock what about you? I am going to While not copying Hessa Say the exact same thing Because I would love a big wedding

I would do a small outdoor ceremony I'm a romantic Did I ask? I'm kidding. Shut the fuck. It's okay. I can't really take a lot today. Oh, no.

Shut up, Vince. You're such a drama queen. I can't take that much more today. Are you more of a flower child or a punk rocker? Flower child, punk rocker, neither or both? This is so hard because I feel like I can identify as both, but I'm definitely more of a punk rocker. I would say punk rocker for me.

I would pick... Well, I do do skincare routines. I would do both for me. I'll do both, I guess. No, I'm going to stick with punk rocker. I'll do neither because I don't... You know what? I'm doing neither.

You don't like labels? Yeah, I don't like labels. Shut the fuck up. Do you believe in survival of the fittest or all for one or one for all? Which one of those do you believe in, guys? Okay, I'm going to answer honestly survival of the fittest. Sorry. That's how I feel.

And I'm just going to... Kind of shooting yourself in the foot there jock is that really that bad is that horrible second one um no it's fine to believe believe whatever you want okay all for one to one for all i'm all the first time you've ever told me it was okay if i believe whatever i want okay let's keep going that's definitely true 100% on footage you hear it first for people it's on i'm recording um okay let's go um next question do you consider yourself religious yes no or i consider myself spiritual the most annoying response i would say i'm doing the annoying one i consider myself spiritual not really yeah i'm trying i'm doing the most

ambiguous ones no i'm religious and hasa we need fucking integrity on these goddamn quizzes. I'm religious. I'm religious. I am religious. You're religious, Joe? Yes, 100% true. Are you following through on your promise to become Hindu? Yeah. My promise to become Hindu.

I think you must be talking to the wrong person. I never saw. I never made a promise to be Hindi. Well, it's talking to the wrong person i never saw i never made a promise to be hindi well it's on the last episode someone's going to someone's going to whatever hell they believe in hindu no and don't would you stand up and fight against injustice absolutely i do it all the time me yes if I feel strongly enough about a cause. Or not really, I prefer to keep a low profile. I would say... The second one.

Yes, I do it all the time. Because I'm such an angel. You do not do it all the time. What was the last injustice you fought against? The last injustice I fought against? Uber drivers telling white women that they refused to deliver a single bottle of San Pellegrino to their apartment. I did not order a single bottle of San Pellegrino to my apartment. When you firebombed that Uber Eats protest.

Hessa this morning when she yelled at the bodega guy for putting too much mayonnaise on her egg and cheese what do you think Hessa what do you think I'll do two I guess I'll do two all I ask is that you remain honest it's fine if you guys come to the

same answer all that I ask is that Hessa stops copying me and trying to copy my lifestyle which of these philosophical quotes best represent your ideology this is a long one so just stick with me here number one if you would be a real seeker after truth it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt as far as possible all things that quote is a literal riddle okay so you don't understand a single word that just came out of your mouth okay going i understood it but go off and go off Fuck you, you long-haired hoe. Two. Two. Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.

Okay, Abraham Lincoln, go off. It's literally so Abraham Lincoln. I know. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a okay okay oprah go off with your money making skill the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph okay next one if we don't believe in freedom of expression for all people we despise we don't believe in freedom of expression for all people we despise, we don't believe in it at all.

These are the most extreme quotes. Next one. Don't gamble on the future. Act now without delay. That sounds like it's in a Little Caesars commercial. Don't gamble on the future. It's literally a BlizzO lyric for her Little Ca little Caesar spawn call.

Yeah. I'll do the last one. God damn it, Hessa. I said the last one first. Guys, it's okay. You didn't. I said it first. Personally, I would be number two.

Our greatest glory is in never failing, but rising every time you fall. Oh, I'll do that one. Too late. I already submitted your answer. Oh, my God. which famous artist do you most admire michelangelo rembrandt picasso warhol um or da vinci picasso wait sit listed again michelangelo rembrandt picasso warhol or da vinci has this at picasso warhol really you love andy warhol i'm dead serious I'm not trying to sound

Michelangelo I feel like all of my artistic experiences Have been influenced by Liking Andy Warhol Younger Congratulations you're halfway through Here's a silly question to celebrate Look at that they're giving us a little treat

Wow Say thank you doctor Thank you doctor thank you daddy you're welcome oh my god shut up going to a physical and accidentally calling your doctor daddy that's it is so why why is emmanuel kant famous he's a brazilian soccer player he was a political activist during the Spanish Civil War. He was a German philosopher. Or

she's a Ukrainian movie star. First person. First one. Brazilian soccer player? Yeah. I'm gonna say Ukrainian movie star. She is a Ukrainian movie star? She? Is he a Ukrainian movie star?

Immanuel Kant? Well, it's a philosopher. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. He was a German philosopher. What's the correct answer? Well, there's no correct answers. The correct answer?

There's no correct answer. It's all interpretation. I'm going to go back to the movie star one then um okay um which side of the political spectrum are you on i'm left wing i'm right wing i'm a centrist my political views defy labeling or i do not allow myself to be distracted by partisan politics? I'm a left-wing baby. Chuck? The one that... Wait, the second to last one. The one that was like...

Okay, don't you dare tap the microphone. Just trying to make sure the listener can hear you. That's it. Okay, listener out there, if you can't hear me, the answer I have chosen is the second. It's the last one. The one wing?

The second one. No, no, no, no. Oh, sorry. I already submitted your answer. My political beliefs are something. You're kind of right wing. I am not right wing. Shut the fuck up.

You are a little right wing. You're a little. I mean, you're just completely unmoored reactionary. My political views defy Labeling that's actually that's actually more your style Because that is a right wing Sentiment

That's something a right wing person would say Absolutely a right wing sentiment but it's just like a little More layered Y'all are being bullies today just go for the questions Which is most important to you My physical health My spiritual health my mental health All of the above or none of the above my mental health for some reason i'm not i'm not seeing my bag here yeah that's what i would have picked um all of the above uh for

both of you no i said mental oh sorry. Oh, sorry. That's true. Hessa, all of the above. Mm-hmm. Maybe it's Hessa. Why are you... I'm a girl! She's saying that she needs to care equally about all of these things because they're all at a deficit for herself

and you think she's bragging. Yeah. God, God, whatever. Which quote from a fictional character do you agree with the most? Okay, go. Read it quickly. All right. Do you know the oldest lie in America, Senator?

If that power can be innocent. By one Mr. Lex Luthor. Okay. That's the first quote. Second quote. Women may fall when there's no strength in men. By Romeo Montague. I will not say do not weep.

For not all tears are an evil. And that is by Gandalf. Sometimes there is no... Gandalf kind of faggy with it. Gandalf is kind of a faggot. Sometimes there is no happy choice. Only one less grievous than the others. That is a quote from Jon Snow.

You could claim that anything is real if the only basis for believing it is that no one has proven it doesn't exist. That is from the heinous bitch nerd known as Hermione Granger. Okay, I'm going with Hermione on this one. You're going to go with Hermione? Yeah.

Hermione. Okay. I'll go with my guy Gandalf one. You're going to go with Hermione? Yeah. Hermione. Okay. I'll go with my guy Gandalf with his... Gandalf, faggot. Gay little... You are such a Lord of the Rings bitch. You are such a Lord of the Rings bitch. It's like unbelievable.

I love those movies. Which revolution would you have fought for? The French Revolution and done. I'd have fought for the american revolution oh wait industrial industrial let me let me finish how do you fight for that i don't know how you really fight cut off a child's arm getting like shoving a seven-year-old's arm into an electric loom i thought we were just saying our favorite revolution. It's okay. American Revolution, French Revolution, Cuban Revolution, Chinese Revolution,

Human Rights Revolution, or I would not support any revolution. So Jock, you're French. French Revolution. I'm saying Cuban. French Revolution. I feel like the Cuban Revolution would be the most fun.

The party after the Cuban Revolution would probably be so lit. Have y'all ever read the book A Tale of Two Cities? No. Have you? Yeah, it's great. I just dead serious love that book. I feel like the Chinese Revolution would have been really fun, but it would not have been as

sexy, nor as racist. The party would not have been as fun. You know I'm right. You know I'm right, bitch. You know I'm right. You know I'm right, bitch. You know I'm right. Do you have common sense? This is a simple yes or no. Do I have common sense?

Yes. You really have to think about it. You do? Yes. Jock, you have common sense? Yes, I think so. Jock. Jock.

Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock.

Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock.

Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock.

Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock.

Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock. Jock.. I'm holding five, yeah, of course I got common sense.

I'm holding five nickels right now. Holds up a bag of pennies he's picked up off the street. Of course I got common sense. Why do you think I super glued a knife to my hand so I could vetti at any time in case I have danger? Guys, mama. Which 1960s band is most likely to appear on your playlist?

The Beach Boys, The Doors, The Rolling Stones, Credence, Clearwater, Revival, The Mamas and the Papas, The Velvet Underground, or None? The Velvet Underground Beach Boys

The Beach Boys do slay Be true to your school It's the bop of the year I also do love some of the Rolling Stones albums Their album Tattoo You is so good I love that album Miss You

There's Some Girls What's that one called? I think it's Some Girls. Some Girls is such a good album. I have that on vinyl. Waiting on a Friend. That song will make me cry. It's a homoerotic anthem. All right.

Which famous figure do you most admire? Albert Einstein, Rene Descartes, Steve Jobs, Mother Teresa, J.R.R. Tolkien, or Russell Brand? That's quite the J.R.R. Tolkien, or Russell Brand? That's quite the sampling.

Oh, my God. I know. Wait, who's Descartes? Who's Rene Descartes? Albert Einstein. If you don't know who Descartes is, then you just don't admire them. I can't know them. Steve Jobs, Mother Teresa, J.R.R. Tolkien, or Russell Brand?

I'll say Mother Teresa of those. She's a scammer. She's so disgusting. Albert Einstein all the way. She secured a fucking bag. Shut the hell up. She was so mean. She was so fucking mean.

She's such a bitch. I would say Mother Teresa literally for that reason. She's a cunning bitch. I picturing like ben without a mustache and with a habit yeah um is albert einstein jewish what do you think jock what do you think about what do you think about now you don't admire him no i do admire him admire him still. I just was wondering. I just thought about it off the cuff. Of course he is Jewish. Okay.

That's a very simple question. You're receiving an honorable degree from Harvard. Congratulations. Thank you. Which subject is it in? Physics, communications, anthropology, mathematics, law, history, or philosophy? Anthropology. That makes sense for you.

I'm a cultural sensationalist exactly what are they they're studying you i don't think they would shut up y'all are such bitches every laugh stings so bad laughing at you we're laughing with you physics communications anthropology mathematics law history of philosophy i'd be communications i think for me it would probably be um you would be i feel like history wouldn't feel like history for you history yeah because if you pronounce her story if you graphed like your autistic knowledge of film onto any of these subjects i think it would comport most uh evenly with history because it's about...

I thought you were into science. Do philosophy. Philosophy. Ugh. Okay. Yeah. You're so annoying today. Where would you rather live?

China? Greece? The United States of America? China. Or France? China. Or France? China, Greece, USA, France.

I'm going... I'm China'm china yeah china greece period okay greece greece not france you're not going back to your motherland did i did i stutter i said just ask okay greece i don't want french i've been to france enough yeah i guess france is kind of wherever you are. France is cool though. I like Lyon. I like Aix-en-Provence. I like Orange. But... Okay, so we're giving you a magical time machine. Which era will you visit? Big mistake.

Yeah, literally. Huge mistake. Give a doll a time machine. I would watch that movie in a heartbeat. I would love... Giving in a heartbeat. I would love. Giving a doll a time machine about a trans woman that goes to a different time era. Going back, explaining to my seven-year-old self

what HRT is, and then suddenly I get like, my frame shrinks and I become like 10 times cuntier looking. Showing girl dick to a pilgrim. Not me explaining this to a pilgrim. Showing girl dick to a pilgrim. Not me explaining this to a pilgrim. Showing Blade to Julius, to Pontius Pilate.

Okay. So which era are you going to visit? Revolutionary America, Revolutionary Russia, Duryodik Britain. What does Duryodik Britain mean? What the hell does that mean? That's like the Druids. Think Stonehenge think stonehenge oh my god stonehenge renaissance italy sexy af the han dynasty in

china anywhere in the future or anywhere in the past this is a good question i'm gonna go with the uh the druid you're gonna go to oh my... Oh, my God. No, no, no. You're kind of caveman. Renaissance. Renaissance Italy. Renaissance. You would be painted so much, baby. Oh, my God. I would say Renaissance Italy.

My big old body. But I think that the risks of me fucking an ancestor of mine are just too high. Because you'd be transplanted to Sicily. Y'all... Why would you not? I mean, if you're fucking an ancestor, that's so many, like, there's so many genes between you. I would say anywhere in the past, I would say. Could you imagine?

Anywhere in the past? Really? So vague. Yeah, I'm going anywhere. I would love to go. It's not here, but I would love to go to, like, Chattapool. Like, some, like, ancient Mayan or Aztec megacity. So your answer would also be anywhere in the past.

Do you think you get to pick or do you think the age is just like a random? I'll do Renaissance too. I'll do Renaissance also. Italy? If there was a Renaissance. No one wants to go to Revolutionary Russia. Boo. No. Have y'all ever seen that Renaissance painting that looks like me?

Which one, Jack? It's like the pregnant hermaphrodite or something like that. Oh my God. That's what it's called. No, no. Making it up. Making it up.

Bad joke. The pregnant hermaphrodite. Could you imagine, though? The fading and then, oh, yeah, that looks kind of like Jock. Yeah. We should get a Renaissance painting commissioned of you. Okay, so Hesse anywhere in the past or Renaissance Italy?

No, I'm saying Renaissance Italy, yeah. I mean, it would have been beautiful. Revolutionary America would just absolutely smell like shit. Suck. You'd be an incredibly evil person at the time as well. They would love me in Renaissance Italy. You would be Mona Lisa who? They would go, Mama mia!

You Mona Lisa who? They were going, Mama mia! I would go back to Renaissance Italy and bring them hair pomades so they didn't have to use their spit. Is that what they did? They used their spit? Yeah.

Okay. So considerate? Nope. What? Are you more of a warrior or a politician okay warrior interesting yeah absolutely warrior um there's also an option for neither unfortunately there's not an option for both which would be my answer yeah you strike me as a politician with your long hair and your crazy ideals you You're more. Me?

I think you're neither. Yes, you. You have the longest hair in the three of us. You're more neither. I'll do neither. Which 17th century crime would you most likely be accused of? Sodomy? Sodomy is not here.

These are so funny. Jock, unfortunately, there's not an answer for all of them because you would absolutely be sentenced to all of this you would be the first witch drowned you would be so gone I'd be accused of seditious

libel I'd be accused of conspiracy I'd be accused of witchcraft I'd be accused of insurrection i'd be accused of spying or i'd be very unlikely to be arrested for any crime i know the answer i know my picks are both okay wait i'm gonna say witchcraft for me absolutely witchcraft yeah can you list them again because i'm kind of so seditious libel conspiracy witchcraft insurrection spying or none is it bad that i think i would be a spy you would not i feel like spying

would be the least likely one for you i feel like it's it would i would be the fishiest woman alive if i was in 1700 or whatever yeah no literally No, literally, you would be... And the second they saw Dick, they got a glimpse of the cock, I would be dead. They would be like, we got a witch on our hands. Or maybe you would become like a god. Yeah. Oh, my God. But it's still witchcraft. But you know those bitches?

I should go. Those bitches in the 1700s? Y'all not think I would... There's so many bricks. Call it a firehouse. I'm going to say conspiracy then. You would be conspiracy or insurrection.

I would be seditious libel. Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. I would be killed for libel immediately. I'd call the queen like a cunt or something. Execute this twink for seditious libel. Literally. Calling the king the queen like a cunt or something. Yeah. Execute this twink for seditious libel.

Literally. Calling the king the queen. Execute this pale twink in front of me and then bring the jesters out. Literally. Literally. Okay, you walk in on your partner in bed with someone else. What do you do? This is so cool this one i this quiz is amazing um i join them i pull my weapon i burst into tears i leave without them noticing i cough i cough politely to attract their attention and then question the reason

for their deceptions. It's like something only Malcolm Gladwell would do. What are the reasons for your deception? Excuse me? Please list your reasons for deceiving me. He would write like a 400 page book on how he got

cheated on It would never happen I trust my partner completely It would never happen I don't have a partner Oh my god It would never happen I don't have a partner We can pick you know more I would be one the first one for sure

You would join them? I would pull up my fucking clock I agree I would join them also You You would join them? Yeah. I would pull up my fucking clock. I agree. I would join them also. You would both join them. Wow, you guys are actually so similar. I would pull up my weapon, cry, and join them. I would do the first three. Yeah.

Leave without them noticing is a crazy move. Well, it depends on what the situation is. It depends on who they're fucking i've done i'm gonna be honest in one situation i i saw it happening and i left before they noticed really did you bring it up later yeah of course but i wasn't gonna i just was like oh my god i would go crazy i would go psycho mode okay i'm gonna say it wouldn't happen then too late because walking in implies that i wouldn't be on board with it.

Hess is explaining the criminal science behind this. So you would just be like, I trust my partner. This crime would never happen because I... Actually, that would be... I mean, ideally, that would be mine. But I feel like I would pull out a gun. The sign says, keep on the path. But it's way shorter to cut across the grass. What do you do?

I stay on the path. I walk across the grass what do you do i stay on the path i walk across the grass i look around and if no one is looking i run quickly across the grass three i stay on the path you stay on the path no yes because a lot of late i respect landscapers what okay okay fair if there's a sign that says don't step on the grass they don't want the grass I respect landscapers. What? Okay. Interesting. Okay, fair enough. If there's a sign that says don't step on the grass, they don't want the grass to die. That's why they don't want you to step on it.

Do you not care about the grass? I think they just want people to stay off their property. Someone has to do that work. You know what? I'm going to change my answer to two. It's too late, Hessa. You're too indecisive. Stop.

Stop bullying us, Dr. Science. And now the last question. Oh, thank God. Let's see if we can get this right. Which philosophical style do you think and follow? Okay. Epistemology, the study

of knowledge. Metaphysics, which is the study of what constitutes reality, ethics, the study of moral values, logic, the study of reasoning, aesthetics, the study of art, social philosophy, or political philosophy. Can you list the first three? I would say aesthetics. You would say aesthetics?

Fascist? Yeah. Epistemology. Epistemology. Epistemophily. Epistemophology. I'm going to change it to metaphysics. I'm going to change it to metaphysics.

Why? Because they called it your fascist? Yeah. I think the one about reality. I think it's the one about reality for me uh metaphysics yeah is that what metaphysics the study of what constitutes reality oh that's what that is yes it sounds kind of nerdy i don't i want to change my answer i don't want to be nerd which one doesn't sound nerdy social i'm metaphysics social personal i think

i would be social philosophy what do y'all think I would be, honestly? I think you would be, I don't know, Jock. You're kind of moral values. Are you trying to call me stupid? No, you kind of get on your high horse about morality. Oh my God. I do not get on my... Hessa, do you believe that too?

You're totally fine to get on your high horse about morality. Hessa, if you don't answer me right now, I'm coming to New York. You're kind of a really strict moralist, but the moral code is just based around like what you personally think and feel. And it's not like a moral code, you know, subscribed by like society or anything like that.

As you two talk longer, I get angrier. Finish this quiz before I finish. That's kind of what I'm saying. Yeah. Literally. I don't. Yeah. Literally. I don't need this. Go. Hurry up.

We'll do ethics. Okay, ethics. Thank you. You're so welcome. Okay. Do you really think I'm that ethically stingy? You made such a face. I don't know what you mean. I have answers for both of you. You better.

This quiz was about which philosopher you were. And Jock's answer is astounding. Oh, my God. Wait, who is my answer? Your mind works like the philosopher known as Confucius. Although. And this is actually. This is actually getting.

This is actually so true. Let me read. Let me read. Let me read. Although he is famous for his wise sayings, which is I'm not sure about our little boy, Jack. Although he was famous for his wise sayings,

Confucius was far from radical in his philosophy. As an ethical moralist, he believed in keeping to the established order for social relationships and saw the family unit as a basis for an ideal government. Like Confucius, you believe strongly in traditional family values, social grouping, and saw the family unit as a basis for an ideal government. Like Confucius, you believe strongly in traditional family values, social grouping, and personal and governmental integrity. You are honest and upfront. It's falling off now. And your friends know that you can be relied upon for help and advice.

Oh my God. Okay okay shut up hessa shut your little dirty doll mouth up as we can all see hitler was not an option on this okay i'm gonna beat y'all up this is not shut up hessa do you want to know who you got yes you got renee descartes it's a man first of all um french philosopher descartes is considered to have founded the school of modern western philosophy as a rational moralist who viewed ethics as a science he is most famous for his statement i think therefore i am like descartes you are like descartes you are quiet and contained preferring to be alone conducting research or formulating theories than out partying what your and it's not your analytical mind loves to reason out explanations for unsolved

mysteries and scientific enigmas. And your solutions are often unique and creative. I say this about Hessa every day. This pisses me off so much. I always talk about unsolved mysteries. I've never once heard this fucking

poser liar fake. Do not invite her. She's going to be so Descartes. She prefers to be studying. She loves contemplation. She loves contemplating scientific enigmas alone. I've never been more mad and jealous of Hessa in my entire life. I spent all of my time watching Unsolved Mysteries, talking about Unsolved Mysteries.

I don't think those are the Unsolved Mysteries they mean, but it could be. I've never once heard Hessa once speak about unsolved mysteries i don't think those are the unsolved mysteries they mean but i've never once heard i've never once heard has someone speak about unsolved just keep going are you mad well that's it you're mad am i mad yes i'm mad but keep going well i bet that's the japanese ghost one i'm not confused i'm confused okay wait we've got some more we've got some more results here so um do you want to know who i got yes noam chomsky okay you i know did you get isn't that really embarrassing you're old it just says you're old i'm kidding i'm kidding i got uh simone de bouvard how do you say it okay i don't know that's a man why do philosophers be having female names? Because they were the dolls of their era. Dolls of their era.

Welcome to the dolls of our era. So, Hesse, you are 36% Descartes. You are 21% Confucius. You're 17% Aristotle. You're 13% Thomas Paine, 9% Noam Chomsky, and 5% Simone de Beauvoir. I don't know how to say his name, but I have read it. Are you going to give me a breakdown?

You got, let's see, you got 63% Confucius. Oh my God. Which is so funny to me. I'm just imagining you like playing a little flute sitting under a weeping willow like. That's in wisdom. Yeah. You got 17% Noam Chomsky, which is also very funny. You got 9% Thomas Paine. which is also very funny um you got nine percent thomas pain um 13 percent uh simone de bovoir

again i don't know how to say i'm not gonna remember any of this for my next job five percent aristotle it'd be so funny to put this on a job application i got 63 confucius in an online quiz that's so funny that's amazing I actually attach a lot of my online quiz results to those resumes. Yeah. It's guaranteed higher. The one where it said you're fascist. You attached that one. I love that one.

I got called fascist recently by someone. Me? No. I feel like calling people fascist has to become cool again i feel like at some point it's gonna become cool i got called a fascist because i used uber eats okay well that person's stupid as fuck it like hasn't been cool since like the 80s though yeah no i know seriously but at some point it's gonna have to come back in I feel like we're due for a resurgence of that soon enough can't wait till we have a positive spin on

fascism that'll really change fashion that's exactly what I was saying and this is thank you all so much for listening today thank you everyone thank you so much good night and sleep well have a good dreams. Good dreams. Bye. Bye. Bye..