Seeking Derangements - SD 161 - Surrender the Crystals (Patreon Exclusive)

Episode Date: October 1, 2022

Subscribe to us on Patreon to unlock this episode, and for a weekly bonus episode. We open todays episode running through an insane twink's list of must-haves for potential boyfriends, my recent card abuse in vegas, Jacques gets hot sauce in his eye, Jacques freaks out because Hesse tells him he can't put milk product in his eye, and we end the episode with a quiz in which exposes me as an completely evil person.

i realized i never sat down and thought about what i actually wanted in a boyfriend so after some deep introspection i came up with this and it is a full laundry list of this person's must-have in a boyfriend and we'll get to it but he's literally asking someone to like matthew shepherd him he's like asking for a violently homophobic boyfriend you must have a truck you must have a long rope and you must put a cinder block on the gas pedal it opens like it opens like this not feminine don't cross dress speak in high pitch last nasal voices walks masculine don't wear makeup or too much bright colors and i'm reading this verbatim there's plenty of weird grammatical letters but just as an open just as an opener still sounds

like you i do believe this is you i mean i do kind of agree with him i'll be honest but just as an opener none of us pass i want to see if we pass this we are we're done for this twink will never date us okay i'm i doubt it i think i could maybe squeeze by i'm excited to see by with being not feminine anyone okay okay how would you how would you squeeze by not being feminine cross-dressing speaking in high-pitched nasal voices walking my voice is not high-pitched my voice is very low i would love to see you do like an alpha male cowboy hey there partner hey hey hey why don't you get over here suck me off

so I can kill you right after snap your neck right off of it come over here I'm gonna snap your neck gonna do queer panic defense you really got that cis thing down okay you're the only one passing this so far can I do my straight voice please

I have an incredibly annoying annoying nasally voice jock you wear a lot of bright colors yeah i get that but look i could do a straight voice all right try to impress this swing hey what's up you guys do you hey whoa that's really creepy that's crazy hey do you guys want to go out you sound you sound like you've been voice pitched you don't sound straight you don't sound straight hey you guys want to go out so funny do you guys want to go get some wings down the street it's so funny when gay guys are like do you want to hear my impression of a straight guy and you're like yeah i think Fuck you! Oi! Do you guys want to hear my impression of the straight guy?

Give me the crystals. Hey, man, look. Hey, man, that's not... Hey, man, stop it. I need the crystals now. Look, I know you gay people like to do it like this, but the queen is dead. Just have some fucking reverence here, okay?

What? Oh, is that your straight impression? Yeah. Okay. Okay, let's get to the next one. Break the crystal. Break the crystal. A gay person's impression

of a straight man is like a mystical being. Like a seven-headed goat from the end of the Bible. The fifth seal has opened. Bring me the crystals. This is my impression of a straight guy the fifth seal has been opened

the prophecy will be fulfilled at midnight stop y'all making me piss my pants like a hand hander stop that is just the first one we've got another one to get to, y'all. Not bisexual slash never been with a woman

or had bicurious thoughts. So you can't even have bicurious thoughts to get with this twink. Have you ever had bicurious thoughts, Ben? I've had sex with women. You have? Oh, my God. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, we've discussed this I feel like the one girl I had sex with in high school once asked me if the sun and the moon were the same thing I got fucking hot sauce in my eye of course you had sex with me you're too stupid to fucking

know that the sun and the moon are not the same planet I gotta walk away for one second I got hot sauce in my eye Okay amazing queen Bye What is he eating There's not even any food There's no food

I think he was just eating hot sauce I do that sometimes So I can't even make fun of him