Seeking Derangements - SD 176 - MC Sucka of the Week (Me)

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Today we talk about Drake being gay to throw off grooming allegations, stanning Megan Trainor, using babies for clout, Tar again, and how scary it would be to be lesbian. Subscribe to our Patreon fo...r two bonus episodes a week :)

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Thank you. Welcome everyone to Seeking Derangements. We're all back to meet John and Tessa, per usual. It's a Thanksgiving episode today, y'all. Before we get into any of the topics, I want to talk about something that's been personally really bothering me and hurting my feelings and making me very annoyed. Many people may have seen for the past two days have been hanging out with a lot of infants, pushing them around in their strollers, showing them tar, you know, lots of fun stuff.
Starting point is 00:01:12 But people keep calling me gunkle, which feels like psychic warfare. I hate that term. Oh, that's what gunkle is. That's the ugliest word I've ever heard in my entire life. It makes me want to throw up just hearing it. Isn't it like so rude to say that? Something about that is really rude
Starting point is 00:01:30 to me and I think it's because it's like a Tina Fey style insecurity where I'm just like, oh, so you're saying I'll never be a father? You don't think I'll ever have a kid? You think I'll only be a gunkle? You think I can't have it all? A successful business and a beautiful family? And a beautiful wife with a beautiful baby?
Starting point is 00:01:46 Where I am called daddy every day? Oh, I can't be a regular uncle? Yeah, or I can't be a regular uncle. And also, this isn't even my nephew. I also do have a newborn nephew. I have two newborns in my life right now. This is my bestie's baby, girl I've known since the second grade.
Starting point is 00:02:03 Okay, because you sent me a picture of you with the baby, and I was like, this is a big baby for a brand new baby. That is... Wow, I wonder what's going on. You know, my brother's baby is tiny because it was
Starting point is 00:02:20 born nine days ago. You know what it means when they come out that big? What happens when they come out that big? They're going to be a star. How big were you, Jacques, at birth? Honestly, I think
Starting point is 00:02:38 at least 230 pounds. More than I normally weigh. More than your mom weighed. One of my friends gave birth and her baby was like 9 pounds. Something like crazy. 9 pounds is just like a
Starting point is 00:02:54 cut above average. I feel like a normal baby is 7 or 8. It was like 9 or 10 pounds. I think it was like 10 pounds. Actually it was 100 pounds. No, the baby that I was, that you saw a picture of is like six weeks old.
Starting point is 00:03:10 It's so crazy how fat they are. Do you want to hear how not me? When I was a baby, I was 5 pounds 13 ounces. I was 1. You were 1 pound? Speaking of weighing.
Starting point is 00:03:27 I was all muscle. I had percent body fat i was i was imagine how scary a one pound baby that is 100 percent muscle right i looked like the rocks uh bicep when i came out okay you'd look like a wood like a wood figure carved yeah really lean muscle two things here real quick one i texted my mom one pound of pure muscle i texted my like a tiny little brick it would be like a lego figure i was i texted I texted my mom and she said I weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces. Is that pretty big for a baby? That's like average, a little larger than average.
Starting point is 00:04:14 It's like a cub as opposed to a bear. You know, you're a cub. Baby. Okay, second thing. I went to the doctor it's like a twunk you were a twunk baby
Starting point is 00:04:29 second thing I went to the doctor recently and they were like how much do you weigh and I was like honestly it's been a while and I was like can I get weighed and they were like sure and I was like this is easier to get weighed now than
Starting point is 00:04:45 instead of in front of my entire family over christmas which would have happened yeah um and i was shocked to find out that i weigh 195 pounds what's shocking is that a lot or not a lot is that a good shock or a bad shock i'm hard to i'm trying to bad shock i was hoping bad shock sorry I'm trying to pace where your mood is. Bad shock. Sorry. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wanted it to be 170. Look, you're under 200. You're under 200. That's good. By five pounds.
Starting point is 00:05:16 Okay. Still five pounds, babe. Just don't gain five pounds. You cannot gain five pounds. That's the hardest challenge over winter. Yeah, it's hibernation time. Do you want to be more shocked next time you go to the doctor? Or when your family still does weigh?
Starting point is 00:05:31 I love that you were like, if I get weighed now at the doctor, then my family won't weigh me. Your family's still going to weigh you at dinner. There's one thing I know about the Gonsalins. They love putting you on a scale in public. Mom, Dad, please don't weigh me this year. It's because I've been paying Val $100 every year to weigh you
Starting point is 00:05:50 in front of the family. Ben's been paying my mom to torture you. You're going to buy one of those giant justice scales that they have on display at the courthouse yeah and you're gonna put like
Starting point is 00:06:06 bags of like sand on it like really make a a show of it like a like a public hanging but it's a public way a hyper realistic tank i make out of styrofoam uh so it weighs nothing and john gets on the other side of the air ben's been there there Ben has been there for this kind of spring loaded so it shoots off into the moon yeah car Ben has been here for this kind of
Starting point is 00:06:36 weighing and it does feel like a public execution I think I would say it doesn't it feels like that because it is after they after my fan after whatever family member I think I would say it doesn't, it feels like that because it is. After they, after, let me turn my fan off. After whatever family member reads the weight out loud, then the comments about my weight from each individual family member begin.
Starting point is 00:06:55 Yeah. It's like a tribunal. It's your Nuremberg trial for sure. No, it's like a witch trial. They're like, oh, he's eaten so much gumbo.
Starting point is 00:07:04 He must be a fat. they feed you the food so it's it's literally their fault but i was thinking about something else speaking of babies you know how people are always like oh my god he's gonna be such a heartbreaker or like daddy says if you look at me he'll shoot you in the head or whatever yeah i want to i want want to be a really disgusting gay guy who's like oh my god this is going to be such a twink it's going to be such a tight little
Starting point is 00:07:34 body oh he's going to be real hunky isn't he oh he's going to be sucking him all the way down to Miami Beach you know he's going to he's going to have that he's going be sucking him all the way down to miami beach you know he's gonna he's gonna have that he's gonna have some sweaty lower back hair it's a fucking baby oh this is gonna be a hairy bear if i've ever seen one he's gonna be so faced out he's gonna be such a daddy i feel like everyone is like just truly disgusting when people because i was i mean that's like
Starting point is 00:08:05 literally that's what straight people do like no i know it's so gross and weird how they're like if daddy said daddy says you can't fuck me until he says you can't yeah like those teachers that are like i have a daughter i have a gun you do the man it's so heinous but it did give me a good idea for a shirt that's like because i know gay guys would love it where it's just like daddy says i'm gonna be such a cocksucker when i grow up no but like just do like do like daddy's little girl merch but for um gay guys twink boyfriends. It's pretty gay brain retard, but if there's one thing I know about gays, they will buy shit like that.
Starting point is 00:08:51 I still think I'm going to grow up to be such a cocksucker when I grow up. Instead of heartbreaker cocksucker. He's going to be a cocksucker, isn't he? This little Rav Scali is going to grow up to be one of the great cocksuckers we know.
Starting point is 00:09:11 Oh my God, Messi just scored. Jacques, who do you think is going to win? Argentina or Saudi Arabia? Sorry, I don't watch fag sports. I watch American football. Just take a guess. Argentina is up 1-0 right now. Argentina. I bet you
Starting point is 00:09:27 Saudi Arabia is going to win. I bet Saudi Arabia is going to win by 2-1. What do Arabians know about soccer compared to Argentina? Let's not get into this. We're going to have to scrap another episode. I've just...
Starting point is 00:09:41 No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm just I've just I've just I'm just saying isn't traditionally soccer more popular in Argentina than Saudi Arabia I think you're completely wrong I think soccer is incredibly popular in every country
Starting point is 00:09:59 that isn't the United States of America every country plays soccer, Jock. If you count my family. Australia? Yeah. Australia. Okay. You backed yourself into a corner very quickly with this one.
Starting point is 00:10:17 Look, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saudi Arabia or Argentina. I just think Argentina has got to have a better soccer. Yeah, actually, what's it called? I mean, Argentina, I think think Argentina has got to have a better soccer. Yeah, actually what's it called? I mean, Argentina I think does have more Australia is playing in Argentina. But that's only because I know Messi. Yeah, Messi is
Starting point is 00:10:37 like one of the best players and he's on Argentina. Would you say Saudi Arabia? Wait, guys, I want to redo this post it's so funny I freaked out when I saw it because this is like this is I grew up playing soccer and I like have been around a lot of like soccer guys my whole life and they all have this like there's like something to be said for like the like the philosophical soccer player who's like it's a it's a sport of like man's will and like they talk about it like it's war and art and stuff like you know the you know
Starting point is 00:11:12 the vibe that i am trying to describe here it's they're always and i believe them funny because i believe women exactly exactly well it is a gay sport i want to get into whether or not it's gay but um let me find this this i love watching soccer is a discovery that i've made um there's that i make every year during the world cup slash olympics is that i'm obsessed with watching soccer and i love it okay so it's this picture it was i think an ad for louis vuitton um and it's Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo who Messi had to glow up he used to have like a really like he used to have like a big ass fucking nose
Starting point is 00:11:51 he used to look like a Fortnite character he looked like a Fortnite skin which I thought he was hotter before he got a lot of work done but he's definitely got his nose shaved down he's got some like work done down. He's got some work done because he looks more classically handsome now.
Starting point is 00:12:09 Cristiano Ronaldo has always looked like a flaming bisexual faggot. Yeah. Just like the little spiked hair. Like he's in Bad Bunny's harem. Yeah, well, he wishes. Yeah. But just like...
Starting point is 00:12:24 Something about him is gross. He has so much Botox. He looks so bloated right now. Messi looks amazing. But anyways, it's a picture of these two. They're clearly not in the same room. Like they're definitely like in studios. They're not play actually playing a game of chess against each other.
Starting point is 00:12:38 But it's just like it's so funny. It cracked me the fuck up. But this caption that someone put on it someone on facebook um waxing philosophic about this two men playing not just each other but time at the peak of extraordinary human feet there's only there's one match neither of them have been able to win and in possibly their last attempt either of them could win or maybe the board wins no longer the boys in armani boots and calvin underwear they're men mature enough to sit down together in cash and play a gentleman's game okay this guy is in love with this guy wants them to fuck so bad they're calvin underwear oh
Starting point is 00:13:26 my god he's like they went from wearing calvin klein underwear to cashmere it's like so gay one last time one last time on their louis vuitton trunk i'm a writer and i love words but god damn it there's some pictures that can say more than your mind can take in verbally i'm a writer and i love words this person should open every post with that i'm a writer and i love words think about it think about the effect this photo has on every single man in the world. Oh, my God. It makes them rock hard. It makes them rock hard, baby. This is so much... They did masculinity without it being toxic or soft.
Starting point is 00:14:15 And in 2023. Congrats to our friends at Louis Vuitton and Annie Leibovitz for a very rare Brandon moment. There's nothing less soft than two men playing chess on a Louis Vuitton luggage photographed.
Starting point is 00:14:35 Annie Leibovitz. Shot by Annie Leibovitz. Crazy. Because she never does commercial stuff, right? It's so gay. She does commercials, I think. Yeah, she does. crazy because she never does commercial stuff right it's so gay yeah she's yeah um brandon bowman is so funny yeah by the way i have to i have to really quickly mention this argentina is number three on the fifa ranking soccer team while sa Arabia is number 51.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Okay, so do you accept my bet? That Argentina is going to win and that Saudi Arabia is going to lose? No, that Saudi Arabia is going to win. The real thing about bets is you have to guess at what time the goals will be scored. Ben, please let the woman talk. She's busy. I'm going to say the goals are going to come at
Starting point is 00:15:25 early second half. Saudi Arabia is going to score twice. Twice in the second half? Yes, twice in the second half. She'd do like 48 minutes, 53 minutes. So really close I think she's seen this game the game is live
Starting point is 00:15:50 happening right now Jacques I have a question how do you look up Argentina and Saudi Arabia's rankings without seeing that the game has already occurred the score is already we try to prank Jacques and he figures out the answer but he actually breezes right past the prank we're pulling on him to prove a point that he tried to make 40 minutes ago oh my god
Starting point is 00:16:19 yeah oh okay what do you guys what do you guys think is the hottest which sport has like the hottest players hey yes because i saw hands down hands down football also um formula one has some they look like they look like roblox people no no no also the major sports of the major sports. Formula One's a major sport. Football, basketball, soccer, and baseball. Basketball, actually. Baseball that you're caked up. I've been going to NBA games. I would say baseball is number two.
Starting point is 00:16:57 You wouldn't fall for a baseball. Because they look like normal guys. Because that's your aesthetic. They're like hot, normal guys. Soccer, number one hands down far and beyond the hottest hottest guys baseball they're like normal hot they're like a notch above normal which is like very accessible kind of nice, they're so tall. Basketball, they're too tall. They're freakish. No, my rankings would be soccer, tennis,
Starting point is 00:17:30 basketball, top three. I think you're forgetting, I mean, if we're going outside of the major sports here, hockey, number one. No. No. Hockey, number one.
Starting point is 00:17:43 For me, for me, we're not saying this. This is just a personal opinion, okay opinion that's because you're a midwest pervert you were raised to fuck hockey players hockey is not a big sport in the midwest I'm 100% hockey is not a big sport in the midwest
Starting point is 00:18:00 I grew up playing soccer that's why I think they're the hottest do you agree or not agree that uh hockey is one of the most popular is way more popular in buffalo where hasa is from now now hold on for one second ben i know that you grew up in a corn field so things might have been really different for you angry city than you i know you're so i looked up iowa most popular sports and soccer hockey is number one by a mile. It's about 90% more popular
Starting point is 00:18:29 than every other sport. So Ben was gay in high school but he wants to claim that hockey wasn't popular. No, it's because you didn't play sports, sucker. Because you were gay. Sucker? Our sucker MC of the week.
Starting point is 00:18:44 Ben Mora. Ben Moore. Ben Moore. Got him. I didn't get through shut throat for nothing. Oh my God, he's shutting down. He's shutting down. I'm not shutting down.
Starting point is 00:19:00 He's shut down. I'm just, I tried to give a prompt and it turned into John screaming at me. Babies in bare waist. Oh, Iowa got too close. Someone just pretended to be injured again. I love how often people pretend to be injured in soccer. I know.
Starting point is 00:19:16 I know. It's so cool. I would be the best at that. This guy got tripped and he fell and rolled like 10 feet. He like did the worm. Yeah, like he just got punched by Superman. He's like flying backwards. So sick.
Starting point is 00:19:33 I would love to... I've actually never done like a pratfall on the field before. Oh, I am so good at it. You would excel. I would pull out like a kerchief and start coughing blood into it. When you're doing it, you start spinning like a dreidel. The ref would be like,
Starting point is 00:19:53 the ref would be coming over, I'd be like, Mama, is that you, Mama? I can see the light. So stupid. Mama, I need to come back in this little final moment of my life. When you're training for roller derby, you spend
Starting point is 00:20:10 the first month and a half, two months just learning how to fall. Oh my god. That's a long time to be fallen. Truly. Are you a roller derby-er, Jacques? I tried for like,
Starting point is 00:20:28 I made it through like a month and a half of practice and I was like, these lesbians are too mean. You're too much of a lover and not enough of a fighter. No, the lesbians were too mean on the team. Like literally. And then like- That's not the point, aren't they like,
Starting point is 00:20:40 it's like a contact sport, no? Yeah, but like during training- Yeah, but you can be nice. I would be so scared if someone was mean to me. I would not expect a roller derby lesbian to ever be nice. The way Essa said that, I would be so scared. They didn't validate me on the roller derby lesbian. Especially if they're a butch lesbian.
Starting point is 00:21:00 The most evil, the scariest gender. They didn't like a gay man? Well, that's what I felt like after watching Tar. I was like, oh my God, thank God I'm not a lesbian. It's great to be a lesbian. Oh my God. It's great. It's amazing.
Starting point is 00:21:17 Without giving away. It's scary. I feel like there are two types of gay guys. There are gay guys who like, well and i'll just say this i'm the type of gay guy who would only be friends with women i love women i'm kind of scared i'm kind of scared of women but like loving a woman being in a relationship with a woman would terrify me and i'm thinking maybe that's why i'm gay is It's because it's too emotionally flat. Is Tar a
Starting point is 00:21:47 horror movie about a gay man forced to date a straight woman? Yes. That's a horror movie I'm going to make. In a world where gay men are forced to date lesbians. That's like every movie from the 50s. That's the subtext.
Starting point is 00:22:03 It's a gay man being forced to date a straight woman. In one sentence, can you describe Tar? No, a gay man being forced to date a lesbian. Yeah. We've talked too much about Tar in the podcast. I'm sure everyone has already seen it. It's about that exactly. Let's talk more about Tar.
Starting point is 00:22:18 I don't care if we've talked too much about it. We need to talk more about Tar. Yeah, Heston, please tell me one sentence about what tar is about tar is a tale of a heroic woman who does nothing wrong who is cruelly canceled by the jealous woke the gender freaks patriarchy and the lgbt rainbow agenda community. This cannot be the plot line of this movie. Yeah, that's Tar. She does nothing wrong.
Starting point is 00:22:53 I mean, what did she do? Truly, what did Tar do wrong? I mean, pretty much every scene she does a new insane thing. I'm Tar. When her wife is like freaking out and she's like, where are my Xanax? I can't find my Xanax. her wife is like freaking out and she's like where are my Xanax I can't find my Xanax and TAR is like
Starting point is 00:23:09 oh I wonder where they are just like pulls one out of her pocket like I just found one in the drawer I love her I want to start dressing like TAR she's so evil when she calls herself a u-haul lesbian
Starting point is 00:23:25 and she's wearing like a five thousand dollar like armani pantsuit yeah she's like i'm just a u-haul lesbian i mean the thing is linda ew it's a movie about a composer is a she is a U-Haul lesbian. She would have been a U-Haul lesbian. Mm-hmm. I loved the name reveal because it spelled T- Mm-hmm. It spelled T-A-R-R. Yeah. Which is so, like, gas station employee, like, Midwestern hick shit, you know? No, literally.
Starting point is 00:24:00 You put a little, like, accent mark above the A and drop the R, and it's like, oh my God, she's Spanish. She's Spanish. She's a beautiful Hungarian. She's so European. Her family line can be traced all the way back to Budapest. Literally. Literally, and instead of Linda, it's Lydia. It's so easy.
Starting point is 00:24:22 I feel like, I mean, I kind of did that, because I have an american last name that i don't use because it is very t-a-r-r yeah it's very tarded if you will it's very tard it's literally tard ben more tard now i'm about to google ben more real name it's not gonna jock what do you why do you think you're gonna find google is not like doesn't share a like world with you okay wait i know this is not you but it's benjamin joseph mora hopkins aka it does start with an h. Benny Blankito, a.k.a. The Kid. Yeah, no, I know him. We do share a name.
Starting point is 00:25:07 You know this guy? Yeah. Who is he? His name is Ben Moore. He was a child actor. Oh, my God. Amid controversy, Atlas names Benjamin Moore as new manager. You're a new manager?
Starting point is 00:25:22 Congratulations. Thank you. But I identified with Tor I've never you know groomed or yeah I mean she basically causes someone to kill herself which is pretty bad not nice
Starting point is 00:25:36 it's not her fault it is kind of her fault I'm kidding it's absolutely her fault she blackballed this poor lesbian Tor wants me dead i love when it's right after this woman dies it's like the most incriminating email like subject lines like yeah tar wants to be dead and then you're found dead a day later. Now I love that movie. Big recommend. How did the baby like it?
Starting point is 00:26:09 The baby fell asleep in my arms. I love being around babies. I have such intense baby fever. It's crazy. I really want a baby. It's very funny because you wouldn't think you would be a baby person. Me? Yeah. Why? I don't know. wouldn't think you would be a baby person. Me?
Starting point is 00:26:25 Yeah. Why? I don't know. It seems like you'd be. Let me second on this. A baby is basically a gay guy who has done too many mushrooms. Okay, me. But is catastrophically high on mushrooms. And I feel like you would have no tolerance for if there was a gay guy who was so high on mushrooms that he was just staring at stuff
Starting point is 00:26:48 and crying and pooping and like yeah but if that baby is a tiny little human a little nugget a miracle of life it's yeah oh god my um you know i'm like anyone, you see a baby and you, it does something to you instinctually, you know. Babies love me too. I was driving the baby around or pushing, sorry, not driving. I was pushing the baby around in a stroller. Thank God in a stroller. Thinking about all the things that, like I did with Bug not that long ago. Thinking about all the scenarios in which I would have to die to save the baby's life.
Starting point is 00:27:34 That's so iconic. You would have died for Bug? It's such a sick, anxiety-ridden thing to do. It's like, okay, what if a guy with a knife ran up to us right now? I would have to, I'd have no choice but to jump on the knife and die to save the baby's life.
Starting point is 00:27:52 Really? I just want to nobly kill myself. Picturing your hero's funeral. Yeah. Oh my God. Noble. Or like they're wrapping the coffin in like an American flag.
Starting point is 00:28:03 He died for a baby. You were killed in war. He might have died saving that baby, but he died noble. It would be a noble death. It would be a noble death for sure. That would be. I hope they do that thing at your funeral.
Starting point is 00:28:18 There needs to be a new term because phonetically it's such a like... Gunkle is the worst thing I've ever heard. How about Funkle? It sounds like something you pull out of your ears. No just Uncle. No I'm going to call you Funkle.
Starting point is 00:28:32 Funkle is even worse than Gunkle. Uncle itself is already like a gross word. What would you rather him? We can try to brainstorm it. I was trying to think. I'm like, okay, to this girl,
Starting point is 00:28:48 you know, the mother, Ben, her boyfriend, I've been her bestie, basically like her brother slash husband. But I feel like if you're like the gay best friend to a mother.
Starting point is 00:29:03 Dad. No, you're kind of dad. No, you're kind of the father. The baby's real dad. Do you think the baby's dad will get mad? Pivoting away from gunkle into father.
Starting point is 00:29:16 Because I want to be a dad. Your dad is coming to visit. That would confuse the baby so much. Gay dad. Gay dad. Gay dad. Teach the kid. Gay dad is is fine teach the kid a word get godfather you know i could be the god gay father uh you come to me on the day of my
Starting point is 00:29:36 daughter's wedding my daughter's sleigh you came to me on the day of my daughter's sleigh and expect a favor from me. Ew. Ew. Get out of my fucking face, bitch. And instead of having the jowly cheeks, it's just fully Botox filler face. Yeah. Too much highlighter on your cheekbones.
Starting point is 00:30:00 Yeah. The deal is contoured to hell. Yeah. Sparkles on your cheeks. The day Ben starts getting plastic surgery he has to turn off
Starting point is 00:30:13 his video feed while we're recording. That's kind of rude. I've already had plastic surgery. You have not. You have? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:21 When did you get done? I can't share. Hessa, i'm looking at his face right now and nothing has been fixed yet i'm telling you he has not had a kind of rude oh my god i've had plastic surgery three times but what do your eyebrows look like that do people get plastic surgery on their eyebrows that was like the end result? Or is it like mid-surgery? No, I'm asking you. Do people get plastic surgery on their eyebrows?
Starting point is 00:30:50 I don't know. You're the one getting all this plastic surgery, apparently. I think I'm looking at your eyebrows. Sorry, you can't validate me. I did nothing wrong. Here, Ben. Let me validate you. I guess Jacques is coming out as anti-FFS.
Starting point is 00:31:05 I am not anti-FFS. Anti-gender confirmation surgery. No. He's just being difficult today. No, I just think Ben would look different with plastic surgery. Jacques is just fussy today. Oh, my God. It's okay because I've been spending a lot of time with infants.
Starting point is 00:31:22 I have really developed empathy for baby behavior. It was only four days ago that I had acute tonsillitis and strep throat. Poor baby. Did you get your tonsils out? No, I refused to have tonsil
Starting point is 00:31:40 surgery. Why? I'm scared of surgery. I don't want to get surgery. It's the same reason I won't get my wisdom teeth taken out. All four of my wisdom teeth are impacted. Are those things actively hurting you? Not really. I think you get them taken out for a reason, right? My wisdom teeth were impacted
Starting point is 00:32:00 like the past couple days, but it kind of stopped hurting, so I guess I'm fine. That's what I'm saying. I got mine taken out. I just can't afford to get them taken out. Honestly. I got them taken out by choice.
Starting point is 00:32:12 I said, get these out of here. Even her consultation is like $400. Bitch, get on Medicaid. If I qualify for Medicaid, I know your broke ass is qualifying for Medicaid. No offense. Yeah. My broke ass. Your broke ass is qualifying for medicaid no offense yeah when i broke gas has said my dad said something racist about italians to me the other day
Starting point is 00:32:32 i want to hear it it was so funny it wasn't even like it didn't even make sense yeah well i don't think you have the authority to cancel a monolingual brown immigrant. I do, but go on. We'll see. He said he was talking about getting old because regardless of the fact that he's like 63, he still keeps doing farm work, driving balers around and climbing trees to trim them. I'm like, you're old. Can you stop doing this? This is crazy.
Starting point is 00:33:12 Girl. Girl. Someone's not going to pay for your medical bills anymore. And I was just like, you know, you're old. I was like, you're old. I was trying to convince him that he was old. And he's like, no, man, I'm not old. You know, like, I'm not squishy. And I was like, what? He's like, no, you're old. I was like, you're old. I was trying to convince him that he was old. And he's like, no, man, I'm not old. You know, like, I'm not squishy.
Starting point is 00:33:27 And I was like, what? He's like, no, you never hear me squishy. And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know, like all Italians, they always just squishing around. You know, squishy. All Italians, they always just be squishing, you know? And I was like, what?
Starting point is 00:33:39 What do you mean squishy? You mean like fat? Old Italians get squishy. No, he's like, no squeaky. And I was like, oh, squeaking. They're squeaky.
Starting point is 00:33:49 What does he mean squeaking? You're trying to say I'm like, oh, the Italian almost squeaky. But I'm not squeaky. And I'm like, okay.
Starting point is 00:33:58 And he was meant to say that his joints still move and work and that he doesn't have like John McCain arms that squeak when he moves them, which I guess is an Italian stereotype to him. I've never heard that one before.
Starting point is 00:34:16 Do Italians all have arthritis? Me either. I've never heard that one that Italians are squeaky. Do you know like, oh, the Italian, they be so squeaky, man. I don't know, squeaky. You know, like, all Italian, they be so squeaky, man. I don't know, squeaky. When Italians get older, they do this, especially Italian women, they do this hilarious thing
Starting point is 00:34:34 where they are able to shrink to, like, below four feet tall in, like, ten years. They will just literally go from, like... They become, like like c-shaped yeah and they literally will completely lose like all bone density like all bone mass and just like become like a frail little that's gonna happen that's definitely gonna happen to me i'm gonna be one of me i'm gonna be one of those old men that you're like hey granny literally i'm gonna be so like meat meaty is crazy y'all when i hit like 65
Starting point is 00:35:16 but that's when i will start getting plastic surgery and i'll get a chat i'll get a chad uh draw when i go madonna mode yeah i'll get the jigs as i've coined i think people will start using this the jigsaw face job oh my man you get the giant cheekbone implants you get your like forehead raised or something you get the chin you want to play a game do people really get their forehead raised what is that why that's it that's what i had done um i just posted a link to the group chat of this cnn article it says meet graham a human designed to survive a car crash. He's by far... Oh, I've seen that guy. Disgusting piece of work that scientists probably have spent
Starting point is 00:36:11 hours on. It's so funny that a scientist... You're the person who survives the car crash because you've been hit by three cars on bike, and I've been hit by one car on foot. They gotta get you
Starting point is 00:36:25 into one of those labs it's so crazy that a scientist a team of like 20 scientists probably got like 30 million dollars in grant funding to like what does that prove the fattest most disgusting man they could imagine
Starting point is 00:36:42 honestly I would have been so good on that team. I would have been like, you should make his neck obese, but the rest of him just fat. I mean, he is literally making him smell bad. Put sink lines on him.
Starting point is 00:37:00 So he's just calling in and placing an emergency call to a group of gay guys to create the ugliest man imaginable i gotta get some gay guys in here to find out how to make this guy more fucked up looking have y'all ever seen um 90 day fiance you know ed from oh yeah that guy he looks like the original evolution of ed. He looks like Ed, like, if Ed had a mega evolution. To Ed's Charizard.
Starting point is 00:37:29 No, he's like, he's like higher, are you kidding? This is like Ed's evolution. This is like Ed's mega evolution. This is Ed's first iteration because he looks more... I was saying first generation but Hessa disagrees with me and says this is the mega evolution
Starting point is 00:37:46 that's the mega evolution that show is so fucked up I've never actually watched it but I've seen that guy Pokemon is pretty fucked up though for being honest because I thought y'all were talking about the mega like that
Starting point is 00:38:02 because of the evolutions no 90 day fiance that show is pretty normal Because I thought y'all were talking about the make-up. Well, I thought because of the evolutions. The evolutions. No, 98 Fiance. That show's pretty normal. I've seen a fair amount of that show. I wouldn't call it normal. It's just like when there's always one couple that's a disgusting 400 pound neck
Starting point is 00:38:26 midget American I'm sorry but who was dating who goes to the Philippines a girl from the Philippines and starts dating a 16 year old girl and then isn't
Starting point is 00:38:42 even nice to her family about it it's like they then isn't even nice to her family about it it's like they're allowing you to steal their daughter and all you have to do is like eat a chicken liver and bring them a goat and you can't you're even like i'm not doing that it's like you're doing pedophilia and you can't even you can't even make it an easy you can't even respect her family's custom one time I was at when I was on the French exchange
Starting point is 00:39:12 this other kid on the French exchange we were I was at like my host family my host family like picked me up from school and like this other family this like kid who's older than me they were like um can this kid hang out with you for a while to my host family and then my host family was like sure
Starting point is 00:39:31 yeah send him over so we like picked him up too and he was like in the car and um the mom was like i was thinking of ordering chinese food for dinner is that okay with you and he's like uh nope she was just kind of like looking at him like what and he was like nope i don't want that and so the mom had to cook dinner it was planning on just ordering dinner but this kid was so rude wait why what does he have against chinese food we should send jock for an exchange jock would would do that. I would love... He would literally send you to Uganda
Starting point is 00:40:10 or something and you would throw a fit because you couldn't wear a Lisa Frank shirt outside or something. I'm wearing a Lisa Frank thing right now. I don't think we should send Jock to Uganda. What's wrong with there? I think being gay is a death penalty crime in Uganda.
Starting point is 00:40:28 That's what I'm talking about. I'm into fucking women right now. I could focus on that. Jock's in his straight era. Yeah, but they don't understand. You can't explain to them like, Your Honor, I'm in my straight era. No, I'm in my straight era.
Starting point is 00:40:42 By the way, I feel so seen by my doctor. I'm going over the notes that they put out after. I feel so seen by my doctor. I'm going over the notes. Listen, listen, listen. I'm going over the notes of my doctor. I'm like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I read this one line.
Starting point is 00:41:01 High risk bisexual behavior. I didn't even have to explain myself that's what they wrote for the first time in 15 20 years so i love that you i love that you being validated by your doctor is not is him it's not him helping you solve the various suite of mystery illnesses you have yes none of that you're puking blood that's black you you know have some mental stuff going on none of that matters ben just raised his hand at me like a like a like a magician putting his hand above the hat before the rabbit comes out solve any of these problems but only because he has pinpointed your specific sexuality
Starting point is 00:41:49 of your high risk behavior the doctor did give me antibiotics to cure my strep throat and acute tonsillitis so I am basically I count that as a sling by the way this is the first time i haven't had my burger company food in over i want to say like five six days that's well that's
Starting point is 00:42:17 probably very good that's no i feel weak i feel disgusting weak. I feel disgusting. Tell me about all the side effects. I've been forced to eat soup. Oh my God. I mean, last night I had a chimichanga, so I don't know why I'm really complaining that much. But listen to this. Go ahead. I was just going to say, I feel deplorable
Starting point is 00:42:41 because I can't eat my burgers that I've been having every day for three months. I think it's fucked up. You have a dependency on these burgers. Yes. You're addicted. Yeah. And I like rightfully so. I'm going to go there tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:42:55 It's closed today. The main thing I'm in this place with you. Exactly. I just can't get you down. One day you'll sing and you'll love your love. Do you guys think Drake is actually gay? The next day you're so cold Do you guys like my singing?
Starting point is 00:43:10 You're an amazing singer, Hessa And that was beautiful I think Drake is actually gay I think he's pretending I think he's pretending to be gay For clout And to distract from the fact that he Loves 17 year old girls yeah which is kind
Starting point is 00:43:26 of genius it's kind of the straight version of kevin spacey's excuse where you just start someone's like wow drake you are always texting 17 year olds and it's an ingenious spectacle and pivot away to just be like y'all i'm sus drake is acting like what ronaldo looks like he would act like if he was just a guy that i knew yeah exactly yeah um i do think drake is gay not for but like every time let me tell you something every time i open my phone i see a new video of a parody of gay of drake being gay and it gets gayer and gayer no they really escalated they're escalating like at first it was just like uh do something for me like that call back and forth between home and 21 now it's like two 3d renderings of uh 21 savage and drake having drake as a woman yeah drake is like
Starting point is 00:44:28 in the cultural consciousness drake is literally morphing into like a sub bottom like yeah femme gay guy yeah drake is becoming like um i think if anyone has that capacity that we've seen lately of like pop stars, it's probably Diddy's performance as the Joker on Halloween. Oh my. He has the meanings of a fantastic gay guy. He was slaying. He was healing himself. Was he like gay Joker? No, he was just dressed as Heath Ledger Joker, but his
Starting point is 00:45:06 performance, he was like walking around like His laugh was so gay. He was feeling himself in that wig. It was iconic. I'm about to make an omelet if you know what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:45:22 It was so wild the way he was acting and it went on for hours and it was all over social media posting live and his laugh was not joker his laugh was that of a gay man was my last watching real housewives like alice arena not again yeah literally like could not believe that was real i thought i had to google it while it was happening to make sure it was not just someone else dressed as the joker and then people saying it was diddy because it it was i don't know diddy's been acting weird this entire year and then now i have not thought of P. Diddy
Starting point is 00:46:05 I'll tell you something you know who's been talking a lot about P. Diddy? Kanye West and usually that's when I know that's when I know to look a little further and so I do think of him as a CIA
Starting point is 00:46:21 plant you and Kanye are the same person at this point. Why? We're not. Jock's BPD has completely latched itself to Kanye's. It's like when two women hang out for a long time and their periods sync up. Jock sees a man have a public meltdown
Starting point is 00:46:42 and he's like, that's so me, y'all. That's not even what I'm saying. Okay, wait. Can we talk about... Don't you think it's really crazy that if two women hang out for a while, their periods sync up? And that's just something that we don't really talk about
Starting point is 00:46:57 or seem to investigate. Do scientists have a reason for that? I don't know. Do scientists have a reason? Yeah, it's because of pheromones, you doinks. You fucking stupid. So you have the answer? Can you explain it beyond dropping a scientific term?
Starting point is 00:47:12 You're Googling it. You can't just Google it. It's cheating. It's literally cheating. And it's going to take you 15 minutes to read a peer-reviewed study in which you won't be participating in the podcast that we have 15 minutes left for.
Starting point is 00:47:25 I'm just taking a quick Google. Take a break. Read that and bring us some results. Hessa and I will talk about why we think this is. Take your headphones off. Take your headphones off. I'm not taking my headphones off. I don't want you to hear us.
Starting point is 00:47:41 We have to make sinister plans. Jock, come on. Do it for the bit. It's part of the show. I don't know how to hear us. We have to make sinister plans. Jock, come on. Do it for the bit. It's part of the show. I don't know how to Google this properly. I'm literally Google. Periods happen when women hang out. Yeah, and then just do it.
Starting point is 00:47:54 You Googled that? Do it on Google Scholar. And find a study, read it, and then you can report its findings back to us. Please, Jock. It's for the show. It'd be a funny bit for the show. No, you don't have to do that,
Starting point is 00:48:06 Jock. Can we do that? Come on. Do some research. I wasn't listening, but whatever. Sure. There we go. Alright. It's just us girls now, so your periods will sink. Okay. Why do you think
Starting point is 00:48:21 it happens? The moon. Right? It's gotta be the moon right it's got to be the moon i mean that's probably what jock's reading right now hormone cycles jock is still clearly listening idiot we can hear you you're on the phone damn it so i just put your headphones back on this bit is clearly not gonna not going to work on the show. Sorry. It's a little too hard. I understand. Menstrual synchrony are also called the McClintock effect or the Wesley effect. It's named after a cowboy from TV in the 50s.
Starting point is 00:49:00 It's a contested process whereby women who've been living together in close proximity would experience their menstrual onsets the onstread of the menstruation or men says becoming more synchronized together in time than when previously living apart it's pronounced menzies, sweetie. So, John, is there a reason? Did you get... It said contested there. So I imagine that science can't explain it. So scientists are like, I don't think this really happens. But it does happen. I think it happens.
Starting point is 00:49:35 I even... If I hang out a lot with a girl... Your period gets synced up. Men have periods. Oh, my God. They're emotional. We can't do this. I can't. I can're emotional we can't do this i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't there's a right wing twitter there's this like theory that like a woman's hormone cycle is one month long and a man's hormone cycle is one week long which is why men are like i don't even know like what
Starting point is 00:50:08 the theory is it's so stupid like i love how like the right wing like male people are just so esoteric now where they're like you have to sleep under a red light they're literally like faggots it's insane it's insane no they're all literally going to they're becoming like we need to suck each other's cocks to imbibe each other's male essence yeah literally we have to charge our sword energy with each other no i know i'm like you guys can just be gay yeah no they can't well clearly they can't they're like invent they're inventing entire like fantastical workarounds just to give a guy a blow job yeah which is kind of the first time this happens that's like the thing you could possibly do no historically that's happened a lot i feel
Starting point is 00:50:58 like you know no that's what gay guys had to do for like centuries but it's like that's why every movie from the 30s to the 50s every western like half of all film noirs every like um like all those movies are about a gay guy who's forced to marry a lesbian and they're both like super unhappy we should we should um we should watch the we should have a funny little right wing pivot we could um we could be like raw raw girl cum separatists okay can we talk about raw egg nationalists i just want to say one sentence one sentence go ahead based on a 1999 science article i am wrong for saying pheromones caused it that is a cause for doubt i can't find a uh a scientific explanation okay that's it yep see i knew it case magic closed it's no no i can't i can't explain it but there's several
Starting point is 00:52:02 different studies so i would i can't read that much. Well, just because someone studied something doesn't mean it's true. I mean, I studied art history. AP art history. So we got a Picasso on our hands. Hello, Georgia O'Keeffe. You don't have a degree. No, I don't have a degree.
Starting point is 00:52:22 You've always reminded me. I'm so proud of the fact that none of us have a degree I know it's iconic we're so iconic for that I do think of all the time about how you don't have a degree Ben and I'm like look how far he's gone I think Jock is literally I think Jock has been
Starting point is 00:52:37 through more of a formal education than either of us have I spent half a year in college at community college I had three and a half years of college. Yeah, Jock is literally the most educated person in this podcast. Wait, you did
Starting point is 00:52:53 three and a half years of college? Why didn't you just finish? Wait, you're a single semester away from having a degree. That's how Ben's voice sounds when he laughs. I love Iowa. Wait, why didn't you finish? Because I didn't have enough degree.
Starting point is 00:53:11 What the fuck is wrong with you? Wait, say that again. I didn't have enough degree. You didn't have enough degree? I don't know how it works. I just didn't finish. You didn't have enough credits? Yes. It was community college so you just have half a semester more or a semester no no no because you typically get
Starting point is 00:53:34 a bachelor's within four years you amass enough credits over four years i was double majoring in hospitality and in english what's so funny about hospitality? My mom went for hospitality. Yeah, what the fuck is so funny about hospitality? I wanted to work in hotels. Nothing is funny about that. It's a hard job. Clearly something is funny over it.
Starting point is 00:54:01 What did you learn? Well, they tell you first day of hospitality school, if you want to ever have a vacation ever in your life, you should leave and pick a different major. Because they're like, you're going to be working 24-7 for the rest of your life if you work in a hotel. What was the biggest lesson you learned in hospitality school?
Starting point is 00:54:20 Just curious. Never ever have a bin as a customer. well just curious never ever have a been as a customer that's what they would always say to us and I never knew until I met you what's a bad and then you meet one fateful day
Starting point is 00:54:38 I'm just someone who's who's lived with you I hate how this is already beginning. How did you two meet by the way? We were talking in terms of the podcast. The first time Jock and I met I almost fist fought him because he stole
Starting point is 00:54:54 he was talking about stealing an Aaliyah poster from me. Because his ex-boy beautiful Aaliyah poster that I found in the basement of a black family's home that was foreclosed on because I was a maid and I was cleaning it. And they left the poster there. And it can only be found now on blackartdepot.com.
Starting point is 00:55:12 And I woke up to Jock talking about stealing my poster. However, Jock is going to say it was a ruse from an ex-boyfriend of mine to trigger me. It was Jock. And that's why we didn't fight but i did almost fight jock because it was he was set up because of my my poster yeah i want to say first of all that i actually ended by two of his roommates we've told the story many times that was a fast you know that was a speed that was a speed track um and you still have the poster together no yeah yes i don't i didn't see my storage it's not hung up in your home That was a speed track. Jack, do you still have the poster? No.
Starting point is 00:55:45 Yeah. Yes, I do. I didn't see it. It's not hung up in your home. It's in my storage unit. I couldn't travel in here. In Denver, Colorado? No, in Israel.
Starting point is 00:55:55 Yes, in Denver, Colorado. This fixation on Israel. It's so random. Please not get into it. I'm exhausted by you discovering Israel existed a year ago. Y'all heard about this. Yeah. That's what I mean.
Starting point is 00:56:13 It's Kanye brain. Yeah, literally. I'm not having Kanye brain because I don't like Israel and Zionist. No, definitely not. Definitely not. I hate when y'all both go, definitely not. No, definitely not.
Starting point is 00:56:33 Wait, was that your impression of Hessa? Who was the low voice? Oh my god. Oh my god, Jesus Christ. Who was the low voice? This is my impersonation of Hessa. Because usually when you do an impression of me, it's very high- high pitched and squeaky
Starting point is 00:56:45 And inaccurate Look I've been sick so I messed it up Let me do a correct pronunciation Of me lady Me lady I It's me Hessa And I love
Starting point is 00:57:01 Podcasting As much as I love poking men and women. I'm gonna start I had to clean your chimney, Venkov. I'm gonna start calling trans girls m'lady. Like you're about to say man and then
Starting point is 00:57:19 stop just like that. M'lady. M'l Lady. Lady. Excellent. Excellent save. Stuck the landing. Mm-hmm. You know, the funniest,
Starting point is 00:57:36 one of the rudest things that I've had trans women tell me to get called, usually by other women, is the whole, like, you can tell me if this has ever happened to you but it's the whole like this sounds like a not offensive way to start a conversation it's the extension of a like oh you're so beautiful
Starting point is 00:57:53 kind of like overpraisel I would never have been able to tell specifically I couldn't even tell I had no clue you're so beautiful but specifically this phrase that I think gets uttered by this very specific kind of
Starting point is 00:58:09 white woman. You're such a beautiful creature. Oh yeah, no. We've talked about this before I feel like. Creature is so crazy. Creature is so evil. Creature is insane. I've never experienced it myself,
Starting point is 00:58:26 but I have. It's like, you're such a beautiful human. Yes, literally. Bitch, what? Shut up. It's so rude. I don't need to be reminded
Starting point is 00:58:38 that I'm a human being. You're a beautiful human, Jug. What? What? Did you just say what I think you just said? you are a beautiful human the disrespect
Starting point is 00:58:52 the total disrespect you are a beautiful creature I will say that creature? creature? I am flying I'm booking my flight to New York to kick your ass
Starting point is 00:59:09 I'm in Iowa oh god damn it why didn't I try asking before I booked one thing that has happened to me in Iowa I love coming back to Iowa it's so fun I fucking
Starting point is 00:59:23 owned this cashier. I fucking owned this cashier yesterday. I fucking rocked her world. She felt so stupid. I pretty woman this hoe. It usually happens to me whenever I go to like a health food store. Whenever I go anywhere.
Starting point is 00:59:41 I'm evil to everyone. No, not evil. I have to pretty woman everyone everyone i'm constantly pretty woman eating bitches i walked into this health food store like very boutique nice place i love it and um i was looking pretty mathy you know looking the way i look if i wear Looking the way I look, if I wear sweatpants or like a Tweety Bird shirt or like a certain kind of baseball hat, let's just say it falls apart really quickly, okay? I fall, I diverge into meth very easily, okay? And I looked like a complete meth head and I knew it, you know.
Starting point is 01:00:27 I was like, whatever, it's fine. I'm in Iowa. I'll just look like a, you know, truck stop twink crackhead. It's fine. So I walked into this health food store and there's this like cashier at the front and she was like, like did not like seeing me there she was like oh god
Starting point is 01:00:46 yeah not this method and I was like okay bitch and I only went there to get a pre-made kale salad but I was like I'm gonna buy a fucking jar of really fancy we don't have any confidence in
Starting point is 01:01:02 spice spiced olives I got a bottle of vermentino i got a sparkling yerba mate that cost like ten dollars and i was like yeah bitch felt real stupid ringing me up for eighty dollars for like four items not a meth head okay so she didn't do anything no i'm kidding i i literally did like the methiest thing possible which was buy more things to prove to her that i i want to i want to drug user i've done this so many times so many times i've done this exact same thing at the king supers people and they always are like you're still a drug addict yeah yeah yeah i'm like look i just bought i could afford you're rich i just bought cough syrup i just bought
Starting point is 01:01:52 battery acid i just bought i just bought four jars of pitted calmada olives and a and a5.99 box of six cookies. I was asking every employee if they sold beakers so that I knew I was a scientist. Okay, that one is actually... Where are the beakers? Where's the fucking cough syrup? Where do you keep the Bunsen burners? Yeah. That shit is hilarious. You got me that time but i got i got well i got that bitch of the fuck i get gateway market exposed i'm so proud of you no no no
Starting point is 01:02:38 gateway for giving that cashier a bunch of money for no reason. No, it's... Oh, yeah, it's been. It's still been. As long as it's still been. No, of course I am the biggest loser in this situation. It's pronounced... It's a joke about it. It's pronounced Seeking Derangement's MC Sucker of the Week. And on that note, thank you for listening,
Starting point is 01:02:59 everyone. Thank you, everyone. Love y'all. We can sign off. Yeah, bye. Love y'all. We can sign off. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you. do Thank you.

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