Seeking Derangements - SD 178 - Non Binary People Sure Are

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

We're back mama's! Today Jacques breaks his tooth on a rib live, we have our phones make some autofill statements about non-binary people, Hesse getting banned from Valentino, me doing sex work, Kamala being barred out, how stupid the Balenciaga panic is, and we roast that really annoying gay guy on twitter...you know who. Subscribe to our Patreon for two bonus epsiodes a week :)

Thank you. Hello everyone, welcome back to Seeking Derangements. The regular crew here, me, Hessa, and Jock. How are you guys doing today? Wonderful. I'm doing fantastic. I'm feeling cool. Wonderful. I'm feeling very cool. You're looking amazing.

She's looking cool. What sunglasses? Oh, don't mention sunglasses, Jock. She'll freak out if you mention those this is my normal this is my normal thing that i wear your eyes look beautiful today your eyes are gorgeous thank you beautiful black square eyes for the viewers at home i was running errands today and i passed by one of the like souvenir shops on Mulberry Street. Oh, you're on my street.

Yeah. And I saw probably one of the dumbest pairs of sunglasses I've ever seen in my entire life. I love those sunglasses. I'm going to... Because they match with my sparkly outfit that I was wearing. Why do you still have a tag on? Are you expecting to return these $5? Yeah, that's right. $5 glasses to like... i didn't have time to

take it off before we started i'm gonna be honest i have no you're definitely gonna go return those i have it on the mind guy for selling you messages glasses you think are broken i literally saw them and thought they were balenciaga so that's how easily i'm ready for you to be high designer i one of those guys at the um souvenir store like all of those you know souvenir stores i'm ready for you to be high designer i one of those guys at the um souvenir store like all of those you know souvenir stores i'm above one of them and he's the only man to ever like flirt with me to ever have cat called me he always calls me pretty boy he gave me he gave me a pair of because we had to do the steam room and i was like freaking out because I didn't have a pair of corded headphones with a mic on it. I was like running around trying to find one.

I'm like, oh, I'll just go to the t-shirt store. They sell those. They're shitty, but you know, it'll be there. And he gave it to me. He was like, oh, you can take it for $10. And I was like, how about less? And he was like, $10 is already a discount. And I was like, you can't just give it to me.

Come on. You see me. I'm here all the time. I was just trying to flirt with him because that's not really flirting that's flirting yeah yeah we have a real different definition don't make eye contact with me but then he kind of gave me like he gave me like fuck eyes and i was like oh he wants me to like fuck him for headphones no fucking way but i was like i'll show you a dick pic so i showed him a dick pic and he gave me the headphones for free.

Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, slay. Business money moves. And I realized I could have just Googled penis. I think he would have seen you doing that in the moment. I think it's that's disingenuous business practices. It's better to be honest

than dishonest. That's actually, you could get taken to court for fraud a sexual fraud sexual fraud absolutely the worst kind of fraud well i didn't do it i just thought about it but you know i maintained my integrity and my good standing with that 49 year old guy who doesn't speak english he's really sick i love him but i have a little bit of a he's really sick i love him but i have a little bit of a you could call it a test maybe we'll see how it goes wait before that if we're talking about walking around and the streets should we talk about my experience very quickly first yeah wait what happened yeah please well today i was walking around and i decided to wear my new my brand new six-inch heels, the most expensive things I own.

And I was walking around in them, and I noticed that they're broken a little bit in the back, in the heel area. Wait, you already broke them? I didn't break them. The glue in the sole, in the arch part, is kind of peeling off. Pause for a second.

When you hear this, Ben, do you think that it's actually broken, or do you think Cassidy just broke them, and it's sad to admit that she broke them i need to hear a little bit more evidence i don't know i don't know if this is a it's not a catastrophic like error it's not like well because like basically it's just like the um the the glue that holds the sole on at the heel. I guess I like the way I walk. It stretches out the heel a little more. At the end of the heel, there's a little base.

Let me show you. Let me do a visual aid. Look how cool these are, by the way. They're all Valentino shoes. Whoa. They're really sick. They're Valentino? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, okay. i understand what you're saying there's a there's a layer connected to the uh bottom of the heel um just for like oh and the and the the arch of the foot that's peeling yeah it definitely seems like if you spent that much money on them they shouldn't be doing that yeah and i so i went to i was running errands today in them because i'm a psycho um and i went to the valentino store in soho and i was like hey can you let me in and the guy was like no i'm sorry i can't and i was like well well can you like and then i was like you know i'm like valentino, no, I'm like Valentino. Well, I, I had to like point out the shoes to him.

Cause I like, I, the rest of me was very boy mode. I was even boy mode. I was wearing like leggings and like a little dress and like this like cloud crew neck that I stole from my girlfriend but basically like the um the like i was like look i just got these shoes they're kind of they're kind of jacked up and i need to i just want to like bring them in and get to see if they can fix and then the guy was like okay the guy at the front was like really nice and was like helping me but um one of the sales associates eventually, like, came over after I, like, he convinced them

to, like, come and talk to me. And I went in and I was like, hi, yeah, I think just, like, the bottom of the sole needs to be re-glued. And she was like, okay, we're going to have to send them to Italy. It's probably going to take about three months. And I was like, bitch, open the register

and give me $10 to buy shoe glue. I was doing it open the register and give me $10 to buy shoe glue literally they can only use Italian made shoe glue or something it needs to be glue made from like the hooves of like the king's horse yeah or something man this is horrible they have to

they've been doing it that way since the 16th century they use twink glue they put a bunch of They're like castrato nuts. They've been doing it that way since the 16th century. They use twink glue. Made from ground up twinks. Made for the finest twink in the village. I'm Italian. They're like, go back and come on this shoe. Yeah.

When a twink sprouts a chest hair, they send them to the twink glue factory where they get turned into glue. The Valentino glue factory? Yeah. They should put down expired twinks. What happened is that I have nothing. I was like, bitch, I'll just take him to a cobbler. So I'm just going to take him to a cobbler.

Chinese underground cobbler with Valentino pumps. I'm going to take a new cobbler. Chinese underground cobbler with Valentino pumps. No, Taylor, my friend Taylor gave me like a really good cobbler to go to. So I'm going to go with that one in like Greenwich Village. That is insane. If I got a pair of Valentino shoes. I mean, I'm just trying to imagine if I bought $1 easy insulated boots, I would flip the fuck out if I got them and they weren't glued in one section.

Like, I would go on a rampage. You would definitely go on a rampage. You do have those boots, though, right, Jacques? Or did you? No, I borrowed those for that one show, for a live show that one night. And I am desperate. I almost bought them from, you know this person, Hunter, for $400, but they're one size bigger than what my actual foot size is.

So that means it would be stupid. Just stuff them with paper or put jelly in there or something. I mean, one size up isn't that big. If I'm paying $400 for them. I wear three size up. Really? What? Stop, Ben. I wear a three size up.

You gotta look like you're packing. All this lying Ben's been doing about my shoes and how big they are. That's just insecurity. Because Ben's shoes are massive. They're fucking throbbing Ben gets the Fila destroyers

and orders them five times his size so he looks like a literal two wrecking balls exactly on his feet I don't even know what those shoes are but okay let's get to this little test okay this is a tweet from one of my favorite um accounts on twitter

um harron greensmith harron harron right that's how you'd say it yeah harron yeah harron non-binary person i'm assuming from the pacific northwest just judging on how annoying the content is it feels very like washington um but they tweeted this amazing thing earlier today that I was kind of shocked because it's clearly not going to go well. At least maybe I'm thinking just for myself, but this is it.

Hey, let's get non-binary trending. To participate, just type quote unquote non-binary people sure are and let your autofill do the rest you can reply here quote tweet this or start your own thread as long as your tweets say non-binary we should be good which i immediately saw this and i was like oh god what is my what kind of bias is my phone autocorrect going to reveal um so of course i want a solid tribe before i get there this poster may be recognizable to you

because not that long ago they had an amazing thread about how um being a foster parent is incredibly difficult um specifically because your children don't properly recognize the emotional labor you put into, into rearing them. Um, wasn't that it has a, it was like my kids, my kids don't, my kids owe me so much back pay and emotion.

It was basically what it was, was like, um, how do I tell my foster kid, my like 16 year old foster kid or something like how do i tell him that um him coming to me with his problems is actually um reinforcing a gender binary type of emotional labor um because he wants that yeah like literally sitting a kid down who's like desperate for a mom and being like actually like you should be listening to my problems it's clearly a person who like

needed to get foster children in their life because they just wanted more people to tell their problems too yeah now that you've been adopted let me let you on a little secret my life is pretty tough it was that and then i feel like a few other things i think they just like double down on like um you know teaching like their foster children like queer theory or something i don't know which that's fine but anyways i the my favorite thing about this account is that, like, they basically do, like, chairs hit different when you need to sit tweets for, like, 38-year-old women with husbands who identify as queer, you know? Like, it's, like, it's tweet decking. Like, y'all know that feeling when your foster child owes you thousands in emotional labor? Sounded awful in quote tweets, y'all.

It's tweets like, hey. Who's been vibing to some music lately? Yeah, yeah. Water at night just hits different. My foster kid loves staying in my house when the vibe is rent free. Yeah. But anyways, do you want to do this challenge? Let's do it.

Let's do it. I'm ready. Okay. Hester, do you want to go first? Yeah. So, Jock, you know, you're familiar with this. Not at all. Okay.

So you have autofill on your phone, right? Yeah. So you type non-binary people sure are and then you have auto fill correct the rest of your sentences yeah and then you make the rest of it and with auto fill let's get one from you jock now here's a question i've always had is like if you type in do you have to click on the middle auto fill or like do you have to click on the middle autofill or like do you have to click on the same one yeah okay i think that i think it's my discretion they mine literally never makes sense um i tried this earlier today it makes sense no it does it like i can't make it make sense none of the options make sense i know like literally let me let me explain to you, okay? I have one. I just did one, but I'll save that draft.

Okay. I'm going to try to do another. I don't think that this worked right on the autofill department, but it just says non-binary sure are you. It knew. Yeah, my options are non-binary people sure sure are you, or live, or they. Those are my three. So live, live, non-binary people, live.

Sure are live, here, but I don't know what to expect from them. Okay, I have a good one. Mine are... LOL. Mine are incredibly descriptive and like... Just kidding. LOL. Laugh emoji.

Just called and they asked me to come to the house. So I can get the soup. Soup emoji. All of mine end with soup emoji. Every time I do this. Wait, what? Yeah. It's pretty strange.

How often are you using the soup emoji? No, not often emoji no not often really not often I did it different this time non-binary sure are good with that and I'm sorry I'm not that's crazy mine are like okay I got one earlier

today I truly did it with my non-binary people will open the ninth seal the day the blood moon rises Non-binary people will open the ninth seal the day their blood moon rises. Non-binary people are being so annoying and annoying. LOL. Laugh face emoji. I just don't want them to feel like that.

It's a real one I got. I just don't want them to feel like that. I'm going to do another one. Non-binary binary I was gonna tweet that but I got too scared non-binary people

are being I have in used or so I'm gonna pick so this is a Sophie's Choice of autofill for me right now. I have non-binary people are being so. And then my three options are rude, sick, or mean.

What are you typing in your phone? I don't know why it's like this for me. I feel like, okay, I'm going to pick rude. I got a good one. Rude and annoying at all the people who have been doing this for them. Doesn't really make sense. It falls apart. Okay, here's mine. I just did one.

Ben sure is. Ben sure is. She is still alive. And she doesn't even care if I get her a little weird. LOL, crying emoji. I think she is a gay man soup emoji why do you keep getting the soup emoji i don't know i think she is a gay man okay i got another one here one second let me see um non-binary people are not only valid, they are the future of humanity.

I applaud, support, and stand with them in overthrowing heteropatriarchal struggles. That's one of the quote tweets of the thing. That's one of the quote tweets. I was just making a joke one. Okay, here's a real aut a joke one. Okay. Here's a real auto fill one. Uh-huh. Non-binaries are so excited about the moon. Fact.

Oh, my God. Fact? Fact. You're calling them fat. I mean... Period. A lot of non-binary people are afflicted. I'm going to do one for you

Jock can you and Jake and it falls apart it doesn't work for Jock

let's see Hessa I did Jock what'd you get oh my god i hate already um okay jock sure is she is not doing a bad thing or anything but she needs a little bit of coke for her to get a new car i'm i'm dead i say, Hessa, you are doing well, okay, or good? I think good is the best of those. Hessa, you are doing well is like I'm your dad. Yeah, you're doing well.

You're my second grade teacher. Hessa, you are doing good today. It sounds so uncomfortable. Thank you.essa, you are doing good today. It sounds so uncomfortable. Thank you. Oh, you're doing good today. Oh, but. Thank you, honey. We got a but.

Oh, no. I'm not sure if you are doing well. Period. Oh, my God. You're doing good today, but i'm not sure you're doing well drama that's the real she's crying a little bit too real y'all i just i'm not doing well no you're doing well and good everyone has hassa's crying again my boots are broken.

And it's so hard to wake up in the morning in Chinatown. You don't know what I'm going through. You don't know what I'm... I've been going through a lot lately. I've been going through more. Was that in the episode we deleted? I've been going through a lot lately. Will we explain that?

I literally have. Oh, Ben. Wait, I'm going to do one for Ben. Ben is such a faggot and a liar. Ben is gay and sucks and evil. Wait, I want to do one for gay men. Gay men. Ben is going insane.

Really? The soup. Literally the soup. It goes back to soup every single time. Ben is going insane. Ben is going insane with the soup. I'm tweeting that one. Gay men have been a...

I'm going to do the status tag. Don't at me. been i'm gonna do it with the i'm gonna do the status tag don't at me i've got gay men have been a shot racist or huge gay men have been a racist and gay lesbian lol hassa came up wait oh my god I come up after a lesbian I'm not Can you come up after a lesbian Okay Add me

Add me You come up after a lesbian LOL Hessa Wait add me Add me in Add me into this narrative Okay let's do it

Hessa Gay men have been a racist And gay lesbian LOL Hessa And I Hate Women Gay men have been a racist and gay lesbian, LOL. Hessa and I hate women. Is that real? As in I hate women.

Facts. As in I hate women like that. But it's okay. Gay men have been a racist and gay lesbian lol has and i hate women like that but it's okay it kind of me it kind of is saying that we are racist against women but lol it's okay i once got accused of being racist against white women you are who isn't you should be i think it's i know i thought it was really funny okay let's move on from the autofill before we get sucked into our phones wait i want to read one more one more yeah go ahead and then i have one more also ben is in

the mood for a drink and a half a stick half a stick i don't know what that means but i want to know it's a new drug i'm doing this is one i think we can all take to heart oh my god gay men are like the soup of the city in the world that is a beautiful place gay men are like the soup of the city i want you to think about that for a minute why does soup come up so often with mine i I don't know. Are you... Hmm. Am I... Well, gorgeous, gorgeous girls love soup. That's probably why. I was doing this autofill shit earlier,

and then I realized that so many of the texts I send on a regular basis and so many of my thoughts literally feel like autofill. After doing this for like 30 minutes earlier, just all of my thoughts and all of my texts and just the way I was talking to people really just, I couldn't escape

the feeling that I was still in autofill mode. And it's really thrown me for a whirl, to be honest. Hang on, my laptop isn't plugged in. Oh my god. Me and Jock can move to the next one. Well, I do have one thing last.

One last autofill. Seeking derangements is a serious issue for the people. I only had to type in seeking. That's so true. Seeking derangements is a... It is a serious issue for the people. We will be a serious issue for those people.

Okay, one other thing I wanted to talk about was someone who is also kind of on autofill brain. That is... Kamala. Kamala Harris. Oh. Kamala Harris. I love her so much.

No. She's so iconic. I genuinely think all of the recent videos of her just being absolutely barred the fuck out, drunk, just gone are really going to culminate in her finally relating to people i i 100 agree i i have never once trusted her to this moment yeah the second until the until the moment you saw her explain how to cook turkey uh the second i saw her smiling ear to ear talking

about how much she fucking loves venn diagrams where she's like the wheels on those bus she's like yeah with the way that she diagrams when she's the venn diagram thing to me is like the funniest thing i've seen in like so many years she points at she's like don't you just love the way those circles kind of just like intersect and like yeah bitch that's the way a venn diagram works like what who and then i never once i never once yeah dull she's at home like giggling like a maniac adding more and more circles to a venn diagram i know everyone else is gonna think that i'm stupid for this but i i literally never once thought she was on drugs i didn't get that this is why she's so'm stupid for this but i i literally never once thought she was on drugs

i didn't get that this is why she's so happy you think this is her on a natural high yeah i thought she just got high from imprisoning people the um my friend rodney put it very succinctly said um the amount of drugs kamala harris is on is so beautiful it brings a tear to my eye i couldn't agree more yeah i like so recently there's a video of her she's about to be interviewed by some does she do dabs there's a video of her she's about to be viewed by some interviewed by some like news station or something and she's talking to a sound coordinator some guy on set who just miked her up to be interviewed, and he's taking a video of her on his phone, and he's being like, how should I cook a turkey this year?

And she's just absolutely meandering drunk. Zonked out. She's just turning back. Meredith mode. It just takes on this exception quality where she just keeps collapsing in on itself over and over and over again. If it was like a line of code, it would just do that thing where like something happens and then like a

thousand lines of code appear below. And it just keeps like going more and more until like the computer just shuts down. Yeah. She's on autofill mode. Exactly what it felt like watching her do that. She was like, you got to get the turkey and with the turkey, but then

before you get the turkey, you gotta get the white wine, and then the white wine, but you gotta get rosemary, and just a little bit of rosemary. And she's just like, it looks like she's on puppeteer strings while this is happening to her. I'm gonna see if I can find a transcript. Do not accuse her of having marionette syndrome, Ben. She has

marionette syndrome, literally. Wait, what's marionette syndrome? A made-up syndrome where you look like a puppet on strings um if you are paying um she but i'm just like if she keeps it up i'm gonna have to vote for this woman if i didn't know about her being lady jails um i just would think she was okay wait ready i thought she was so normal acting okay um so nick a dry brine is easier and brine for 24 but 48 hours is best if you have the time um oh my god this of course this like article in town and country dot com is a transcription of her saying chopping Yeah, I'm looking for like an exact transcription. We could just, we'll just have Max put in the video.

Okay, so Nick, if you're doing Okay, Nick. But a dry brine is easier. And do it brine for 24 but 48 hours is best if you have the time. You guys getting the fresh turkey? Yeah.

And so just one minute out if you have the time. You guys getting the fresh turkey? Yeah. Okay. It's being delivered tomorrow. And so just a little, one minute out. I have one minute. Okay, yeah. Kosher salt, fresh ground pepper. Maybe chop up a little thyme. And just, and then you can mix it even a little.

Okay, so do the salt and pepper all over it. Like, just like lather that baby up, right? On the outside, in the cavity. You could also chop up, but not with the thyme, just the salt and pepper. Mix that up also with some thyme. You could even do a little rosemary if you want. Under the skin with some butter before you're going to cook it so that that butter will just melt in there.

And then get a nice big bottle of cheap white wine to baste with butter. Yes, hi. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, because hearing her say it is so amazing. Oh, this is from like years ago.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's from 2020. Damn. But yeah, I... Or 2019 even. Damn. Because I want to see her be more fucked up so you know she'll have to be doing more drugs jock what kind of what kind of drug cocktail you think

she's on you really think she's sober i mean like literally i'm so obviously clearly um stupid and uh unknowing of the world like that you're beautiful you know everything oh i know but like come on how did i not know that she was on drugs when this girl was like i like venn diagrams let me tell you why you're saying she's not on drugs because of she's saying that i'm saying i am the one on something that could be making me think because someone's so fucked up as kamala harris appears sober to you because you're so high all the time yeah maybe that's what i'm trying to say because i'm like oh i'm like she's just like jenny from the block she just

likes venn diagrams like she went to math school and like she's like that's the her favorite part like that's normal like jenny from the block she likes venn diagrams is that something did you explain that imagine a conversation between jock and kamala they're both in a room talking to each other for so long that they both eventually like die of dehydration from just like talking to each other just like stuck in a loop what's your favorite what do you mean jenny from the block just like a normal girl just like a normal she's just a girl next door who loves venn diagrams as all girls next door do yeah she's just like jenny from the block she's just the girl next door who loves Venn diagrams As all girls next door do Yeah she's just like Jenny from the block She's just like some girl from the block

Like Jenny that we all knew Yeah from the block She's from the block and like we all know her from the block And like if you want to find Kamala Just go look on the cell block in the jail Cause she's imprisoning people I see Yeah famously

What kind of drugs what drugs would you prescribe for her okay well i think she's on crocodile yeah i'm gonna go ahead and say that she is on a combination of concerta and ativan oh my god she can probably get out of van hospital xanax. That's like the Xanax they give you in the hospital when you're freaking out, like in a little plastic cup. Have you been put on Ativan before? Of course.

They put me on Ativan for every dentistry appointment. Every time your family has to wheel you into the insane asylum paddy wagon like Hannibal Lecter. For the dentist, they have to put me on Ativan because they used to try to give me the gas. And last time they gassed me. And you love the gas. No, no. I hallucinated that the dentist was trying to kill me.

And I punched him in the face and ran out of the office. Oh, my God. How was he trying to kill you? Can you put the flame out? Do you need to do drugs right out why do you do you need to do drugs right now i mean you're talking about it do the drugs do the drugs the flame has been there's been an open flame in your frame for two minutes and it's making me really anxious so just do the drugs and then we can keep going i mean if you insist but i do think she's on concerto

let's go I do think she's on Concerta. Let's go. Dap, dap, dap, dap, dap, dap, dap. Thank you, John. Okay, let's get back to this punching the doctor in the face story. Okay, so the doctor is clearly trying to kill me because he's got knives in my mouth. He's putting sharp things in my mouth. He's trying to kill me. And I'm them two and two together i'm hearing the nurse and the or like the dental

assistant and the dentist say my name back and forth when they're talking about me in reference to my mouth and it got to the point where i was like they are they are seriously trying to kill kill me and i when i i don't get this way from acid or any other hallucinogen, but like seriously, the second I take- Is laughing gas a- I have only known one other person to have this reaction. I fully

hallucinate. And it was Bill Clinton. It's like someone crazy. I was someone else who also did laughing gas and thought the doctor was trying to kill them. So they punched him in the face and ran out. Well, even better. So it happens every day in Louisiana.

Wait, wait. Kirstie's freak dad, my old best friend, this girl, Kirstie, his her dad is just doesn't really he drinks, but he doesn't really do any kind of drugs. And he's a prude and he's a cheapskate. And he for the first time in his life, as a 40-year-old or some kind. Of course, he's dad. You're the Seeking Derangement Suck MC of the Week. Okay, so anyway, he gets the gas.

He gets the gas for the first time as an adult, as a 40-year-old adult. And he freaks out. I mean, he starts screaming. He knocks the full table of instruments over. He's lucky he didn't hurt me one. He went, and this guy does not look strong. He has a white beard and glasses.

He walked up to the sink and ripped it out of the wall and threw it through the fucking window. This guy, the most crazy thing. He's in Hulk mode. The craziest thing this guy has ever done to me is just make me pay for living in his house after he told me I could live there for free. What a crazy thing to do. Well, he told me it was free,

and then the last night I was living in town, he was like, That's the craziest thing. Wait, listen to this. Man whom you've discovered. I lived with him for six months. I got residual anger from having you be a bad tenant and not pay him.

I paid him. He got a little bit of laughing gas in him. It turned him into the fucking Hulk. Yeah. You went psycho mode. Oh my god. And he's like... I've gotta say, he seems like he's

been through a lot. Even though he's the sucka MC of the week, honestly. He's the sucka MC of the week because he put out a book about the dogs of Chengdu. Let's not China. Absolutely. Why do you hate him for that?

Because it's stupid. It's a waste of his... Wait, is that the Lisa Vanderpump thing? You just hate this man because he made you pay rent. No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. You write five... Wait a second.

I have a question. Okay. I have a question, Jacques. Yes, ma'am. Was this the same dentist that you went to? No. Because maybe he's got to get some new shit. Yeah.

You know? Maybe this is his problem. You know what I mean? I hope it was PCP. There's Fenton the laughing gas. No, no. How do you put five intelligent books about geology out and then put out a a sixth book about the dogs of chengdu china so he put out a picture but he put out five

books of job geology geology geology geology and you're an expert on geology books and these are good these are particularly good these are These are some of the best geology books. This is the high watermark for geology books. Then he pivoted to doing Dogs of Chengdu, and that made you really mad. Yeah, it's why is a man of great intelligence wasting his mind on little tiny dogs and making a picture book about about Chengdu China

Dogs. What's wrong? What do you have to say? So the way you said China Dogs was so racist. I'm just gonna be honest. I feel like that's a David Bowie song. No, no, no. No, no, no.

I have nothing. Well, he has China doll and diamond dogs, which I guess if you combine those two. I have no problems with the dogs of China or of any other province. It seems like you hate Chinese dogs. No, no, no, no, no, no. I like all dogs.

Just hate when they're studied by former geologists who should be writing geology books. When scientists waste their intelligence and demean themselves, it makes the entire body of their work dismissible because they're not serious. All of a sudden, you're going to put out a book about dogs and then you're a scientist one other day? I mean, get your shit together.

Choose a lane. You're a DJ who podcasts. Sorry, everyone. I was trying to open a together. Choose a lane. You're a DJ who podcasts. Sorry, everyone. I was trying to open a weed chocolate with one hand that whole time. Didn't work. Jock kept a propane tank on for two minutes earlier. Without burning

any of my wires. Without burning anything. One of these days, you're going to set the entire house on... Well, actually, you've actually almost set the house on fire during the report. Guess what? You know what i've been these days you're gonna set the entire house on well actually you've actually almost set the house on fire guess what you know what else i time you know what else i did the entire time there was a time we recorded in the room slowly started filling with smoke because he was baking bacon and then he without saying anything ran off screen and then was screaming in the background for minutes and max and i thought that he was being burned alive in his home and we had to just slowly

watch this happen. It was an absolutely horrible experience, mostly for him but for us as well. I've done pretty well this episode without y'all. I mean, I was able to do that dab torch at the same time as eating ribs and you didn't even notice

and it didn't even take away from the show. really you've been eating ribs yes he's been eating ribs oh you're doing a good he's doing an amazing job put it up to hold it up to the mic will you never met someone no we can't do that we can't people will be so like that episode i barely remember that episode because i'm still drunk but I don't think I'm just going to take a guess maybe the people will love to hear Jock eating ribs wait let me look at the reviews for that episode

really quickly tell us something tell us something Ben for the recording of that it's so scary when you say let me tell you something and then do an evil laugh and then say Ben

autofill Ben she is a gay man soup and that's on soup this is the only time in me and Ben's podcast career where Ben wasn't yelling me to get ready for the episode,

but I was yelling at him to get ready for that. That's actually not true at all. We had a fight because you had to eat an entire plate of food before we recorded a podcast in which the whole episode was about us eating. And I was saying, Jock, let's just start recording because then you can eat. And you said, no, I have to eat before I can eat. Oh, my God. You were still late for that.

Do you guys know how many comments there are on the ASMR episode? I've seen them. Fifty seven comments. I know. They are all. If people want another ASMR episode. Are they mad or good? Truly harrowing.

Thank you, Hessa. Thank you, Hessa. Thank you. They're all Hessa. Looking at Ben. Because I told people thank hessa you also selected thank you my amazing knowledge of the math jepar case i did you didn't um pull out the the um what's it called i don't even want to talk about that guy. Michael Tracy. Look, look, look, look. I just want to say though.

I'm going to text him right now and see what he's up to. I've never seen Ben look actually so visually disgusted by my actions in front of him. During the recording of the ASMR video, Ben was holding his mouth back from throwing up.

That's so true. Not only because he was hungover, but because of how disgusting it was. And we both immediately got sick from that plate lunch. You puked blood and pooped blood. I was fine. Wait, you didn't throw up blood either?

No. Are you sure, Ben? I kind of remember you. Are you sure? I feel I kind of remember you. Are you sure? I feel like... Can you check? Can you check real quick? I am going to the ER. Can you check your puke pile?

Can you check your bowl? I don't even mean that in a mean way. I just don't think you did. Can you check your vomitorium real quick? Yeah, can you check your vomit log on your books? Just assume that everyone else has a pile of puke in their bedroom like you. could you check i just i just please could you check can you just please check i just want to know a filing cabinet where you open up a file with the day written on it and throw up and then close the file and close the cabinet okay my gastro do one of that that might help you

my gastro doctor record of what you eat and the reactions you have. You haven't done that. I'll be honest. My gastro doctor wanted a diary of my food habits. Years ago. And I had one many, many years ago, but I had to throw it away because it made me disgusted. Made you too hungry. My lifestyle. Oh. Oh my God.

It was before I had any self-control. Just flipping through that like a menu before you go to bed. I still drank alcohol back then, and I would mix it. It's just cool. The 17th of February, 2017, I had 17 ribs, a cream pie. I'm just imagining a time where I had two Franzia, or one and a half Franzia bags. And then I had too many bags. I did too many dabs.

I don't remember anything. There's a horse skeleton in my bed with some meat. I don't know what happened. I don't know. I don't know. Shut up. You long haired, beautiful bitch.

Y'all gotta help me. I'm good. I gotta black this out. But before that, I need your help. Please don't tell anyone. Someone tell this beautiful, big footed bitch to shut up and stop laughing at me. Please don't tell anyone. Someone tell this beautiful, big-footed bitch to shut up and stop laughing at me.

Please don't tell Miss Daisy about her horse. I love you, Jacques. Okay, listen. I had the bag and a half of Franzia, and then I went and had three McDonald's cheeseburgers, ten nuggets, two ice creams, two apple pies, a large Coke. I feel like there's a drill going through both of my ears and meeting in the exact center of my brain. In a good way?

In a good way? No. Not in a good way. In this part of the episode, I'm going to cut in two drills touching inside of the brain, what it would sound like. I love the idea of like, on today's podcast you're going brain, what it would sound like. I love the idea of like, on today's podcast, you're

going to hear what it sounds like for a drill to go into your head from both sides. Okay, let's get to what may be the main event of this episode, because I know we are Balenciaga? Jock specifically.

Very ready to get there. So Balenciaga has been canceled. Balenciaga is done for. I can't even believe it. Balenciaga has been accused of pedophilia and Satanism. So I think at this point, we can readily assume that all of our listeners understand what these allegations entail and have been semi-up to date on this incredibly, incredibly stupid saga.

This is the literally- Just to go over it. Yeah, Jock. Let me just give you a little breakdown of what's happened so far. Let me just give you a little breakdown of what's happened so far. Balenciaga First puts out an advertisement where it's like a living room and there's a child in the middle of the living room holding a bear and the bear is wearing a harness. And first of all, gay culture has ruined the harness from even being something of sexual nature.

I think Virgil Abloh ruined the harness, but that's a hot take. We don't have to talk about it. I mean, I would love to hear that in private, but I would best jog saying, shut up, bitch. I'd love to hear that in private. I'd love to hear that in private. But once this

brick wall gets finished being built in my cellar, you can tell me all about it from the other side. I'd love to hear that in private. I never made the jump that these children holding a bear that was wearing a harness that did not look sexual in nature. There was no sexual nature to the harness of this bear. Maybe the harnesses have a history of being sexual. I feel like they're now purely a bad gay fashion. But anyway, jumpers and straight fashion fashion i would say dogs dogs straight forward

harnesses okay i thought the little teddy bear purses just looked like the village people honestly yeah do you think i mean were people arguing about this when the village people were around like that they were is too sexy and gay i don't think so i mean they had to be right like probably but i don't think i don't know who knows it does seem like incredibly internet brained and it's just like so long reaching and then of course there's some kind of like advertising i think it's inappropriate to have children picture on photo shoot with like teddy bears dressed up in BDSM gear do I think I think

I feel like do I think it's satanic do I even think it's that bad I don't care I would just be like that's in poor taste okay that would just be my feelings on it I wouldn't need to connect it to Satanism or pedophilia I would just be like not for me

but don't you also agree that kids to be in ads at all honestly but i mean i don't think it matters if there's like a picture of the devil in the foreground that they can't really see like because that's the funny thing is that that's what everyone's mad about is like that there is like actually there's a symbol of sat, and Satan famously hates children, and elites are very famously like, it's like such a fucking, it's so dumb. You shouldn't have a child on a photo shoot to begin with. They should be pictured in media.

They should be CGI'd into everything. They should be CGI'd, bad CGI. They should be 1991 CGI'd into everything. They should be money for nothing music video CGI'd. And the... It should be like in Shakespeare when men had to play women because women weren't allowed on stage. But now you have bad CGI. Also now...

This is clearly an example of like a Benetton brained like you know 90s Benetton brained fucking like marketing student with an MFA from like um from juilliard in marketing or something i was like yeah valenciago is like look we need to like coordinate a cancellation to get a bunch of free press i'd be like oh you should make some very like vague

gesture towards child pornography uh do some sexy little kid stuff put a bunch of satanic shit up there make one of the like caution tapes a ball instead of balenciaga like just throw a bunch of random bones in here and people will freak the fuck out it's just such a textbook fashion trying to be edgy advertisement and pr like let's break it down for the simplest level like this is seriously just to get the attention of people valenciaca's designs were being so normalized like all the things that were considered edgy and cool about their designs have been so widely seen that people don't consider their fugly giant shoes and they're like half of a shirt sewn together with another shirt to be crazy

anymore that they had to like make this crazy. It's like whole thing for a while, just taking on things that are like very normal and making them high fashion like the Ikea bag. They did like a laundry bag. They did a trash bag. Well, that's like Demna's whole thing.

That was like Vetements and like the collabs that he was doing like the dhl shirt and stuff exactly which he copied from uh from martin margella but doing the dhl shoes oh and i like demna gazbaglia you are the seeking courageous damn no we got you motherfucker and you looked fat on the Simpsons bitch did y'all see

the Balenciaga Simpsons episode no you should see it but I wonder like it's so funny I do have all the

Balenciaga Fortnite gear though whoa you do I did spend $20 on it I do I have begged you

not to waste your money on that I'm like poor now I literally can't pay my rent. I need like... Because you bought Valentino's shoes in the Balenciaga. I am so bad. I get like money once in my life

and I ruin, I just ruin my life for the next like two months. Hessa, you and me both. I think we're all on a poverty mentality on this show. Hessa, it's like I could make $50,000 a month. I would find a way to spend it all. This is like me being like, no, but I

need to buy these Puma RS Rick and Morty running shoes. Literally. The footlocker clerk was literally whispering in my ears. He was like, bro, if you're not going to cop those, you look fucking sick he

was trying to have sex with you and i and i was like oh my god i have to get i was in that foot locker for two and a half hours my favorite thing about the balenciaga um like outrage is that it's it's doing like really weird horseshoe theory where you have like q anon big gulp moms and like gen z like tiktok shut-ins both saying the same exact thing where it's like this is satanist satanism they're after our kids like holly weird sickos are trying to fuck children yeah literally so insane which facts but like why do you like but what's funny about this is like all of those people being like we're not gonna buy balenciaga anymore as if like cute on parents are like walking around wearing like the leather gimp suits and like the croc pumps the prices of a

bunch of their shit actually went down my friend bought sunglasses from them anyone wants to look if anyone wants to show solidarity with trafficked children around the world and get rid of their Balenciaga, you can send it to me. I also bought sunglasses from them. And for the record, I'd resell it. I wouldn't wear it. I'd be too stressed out wearing Balenciaga.

I have to say, it is so disgusting to see people burning their Balenciaga. I am infuriated. I am infuriated and disgusted. Who's burning their Balenciaga. I am infuriated. I am infuriated and disgusted. Who's burning their Balenciaga? Is there a video? Losers that don't want it as bad as me.

I'd really love to see a video of someone burning their property. I want Balenciaga so bad. And I've been wanting to wear their clothing. And I know that they're stupid and edgy for all the stupid reasons but i want them and this advertisement their clothes are cool

yeah this this publicity thing has not changed my opinion by any means and i also think it's such bullshit that all the celebrities are like suddenly like we really care about the kids and like cutting off balenciaga is like the one way we're gonna show it instead of like stopping pedophiles the one like real thing that i think is in there because like some of the evidence is so like fucking like shaky and stupid like the the tape thing that says ball on it like b-a-a-l it is intentional like they're leaving little easter eggs in there and but like one of them they said like i think like the child pornography like case decision like on the desk or whatever like i don't know what that is but i think that's probably the

most egregious but i think like that was the funniest are like um matthew barney like the cremaster book and the um michael borman's fire from the sun matthew barney being yeah i'm not matthew barney you're you're putting i was i was scared that people are gonna start yelling at isabel uh who pair they did i saw it no someone literally read someone literally was like her wikipedia page it all. And then read like the first part of her Wikipedia page where it said like, Isabel Huppert often plays very cold, cold people. Or something. It's like, oh my God, evil. Someone clipping the piano teacher scene where she puts a bunch of broken glass in that little girl's pocket. Be like, see, this is ritual child sacrifice.

She's done it on film sacrifice she's done it on film literally literally it's like they're so stupid i think it's just so stupid to think that like this hidden imagery and the balenciaga had was put there to influence like more that's kind of child abuse what is even the point of this? Where would any of this where would this conspiracy even go? What would even be the conclusion? I want to bring this detail to

this giant cancellation of Balenciaga. These are tiny words, tiny books, tiny images in the background of their advertisements that they probably signed off on tiny books, tiny images in the background of their advertisements that they probably signed off on not seeing. What are you talking about?

What tiny words? I mean, there's like the court case in the background of one of the pictures. Oh, like literally in the background. Yeah, I'm just saying the stuff that is being connected to... There was in a in a photo in the set was like when they're in the office it was um uh an adult model and in the background there was a diploma okay like a fake diploma but the name on the diploma was the name of a man who had been convicted for i think sexually abusing his own children which i mean like some of this stuff is like clearly intentional and made to like stir up controversy there is nothing more than just them wanting free clicks why would they why would the

ultra elite need to traffic in public like asides to each other to be like we're pedophiles like it just yeah literally no because their their explanation like the people who are like that this drives so crazy is they are rubbing it right in our fucking faces exactly it's so fucking stupid i hate that literally shut up like this really like hubristic thing where it's like i'm the one who cracked the case on balenciaga being pedophilic because there's a child's drawing of satan on that wall and you know what satan means it means satanism and that's a child so they're pedophilic and satanic it's like why shut the fuck up you just want to be the one who felt like you cracked the case damn Demna and that whole crew,

there was a Gosha show that was literally in 2016 or 2017 that was literally all 12-year-olds going down the runway. Yeah, as they went down the runway, their voices played over the speaker and they were like, my name is Misha, am 12 i really like playing soccer and sports and like it's like so fucking creepy and weird and it's like god damn it like that's so much worse than like putting a fucking diploma in the background with like it's so stupid

well also i want to the whole point of me bringing up the small details were clearly like signed off by not like when balenciaga signed off for this advertisement to be publicized i'm sure those small tiny details in the background were not like magnified or even under the attention of these people i'm sure and that's why there's a 25 million dollar lawsuit against the company that was in charge of the set design for this advertisement. Who are really honestly the people to be blamed in this situation if Balenciaga really didn't know about it. I would buy that they didn't know about it, honestly. I think they didn't. No one would sign up for this

There's probably producers on set And they see a bunch of papers scattered on a desk And they're like Okay papers on a desk Like sure They're not gonna fucking pick them up and read them They're gonna try and like have sex with the PA Who's bringing them champagne or whatever

Literally Yeah It got me thinking though You know With the free press Balenciaga got We could maybe literally yeah um it got me thinking though you know with the free press Balenciaga got we could maybe do a little

get sponsored do a little I don't know maybe if we just you know make I maybe point out point out one of these

paintings behind Jock right now and find a little devil in there I would be so comfortable there was an open flame in Jock's room earlier I mean I literally have

porn hanging up above me. So I don't know why that... There's a naked woman. Oh my God. It's child porn. Child porn. It's clearly a computer enhanced... Oh my God.

Computer enhanced. Oh my God. There's a binky in her mouth. Shut up. Oh my God. That's so horrible. Shut the fuck up. That's so horrible.

Okay, wait. Can I say one other thing? Can I say one other thing can i say well i'm trying to brainstorm on how we can get some free press by being satanic well no no this is a whole different thing but like if balenciaga wants to sponsor seeking derangers that would be the ultimate we should we should as long as that's out there um also valentino i have your shoes um also um please answer me valentino you know if you want to give us one um if you want to valentino i miss you so much valentino please i wish piccadilly would sponsor us what's piccadilly it's a cafeteria chain in louisiana and throughout the south oh yeah that yeah, we've talked about it. That sounds maybe doable, honestly.

It's disgusting, like cafeteria style, like lunchroom. It's horrible. Jock's eating more of the rib. Jock, do you have any ideas? Maybe you can contribute to this boardroom session we're having. The satanic panic. I'm already trans, which is ultimate. You're doing the work.

I'm doing the work. We all know Bevy. We all know about the elites. You're already satanic enough. I love leaks. It's not going to take much for us. I love leak soup. It's not going to take much for us to gin up outrage around you, Hessa. That's easy.

I think Jock and I have a little bit of work to do. I have very devilishly I don't know what fucking work I have to do. I've already done the work to be accused of satanism or yeah jock is pretty satanic no no no pretty let listen to this really quickly right now listen up here there's literally an article publicized in my hometown accusing me of being a satanist because I spray painted because I spray painted upside down crosses. Yes. Oh my god.

I remember. I literally have already done the work. Ben, you have to catch up. She's just trans and he's just gay. Ben, you're way behind. So you two need to get ahead of it. Sorry, who? What? Hessa, just because you're... It doesn't mean you've just done the work because you're like a beautiful

woman and all this. I'm like, give me a... Hessa, just because you're... It doesn't mean you've just done the work because you're like a beautiful woman. I'm sorry you're so beautiful and you have so many adoring fans and best friends. Your life must be so fucking hard! It's okay. I just want everyone to know that I'm not jealous of Hessa because she's beautiful. I'm jealous of Hessa

because she's so beautiful. And he's back eating the rib. Yeah, rib mode. Oh, my God. You know who you are, Jock? Don't apologize for being beautiful. That's not fair. Don't indulge his...

My tooth just literally came out. What? Sorry, what? Your tooth came out? Your tooth came out? Did? Sorry, what? Your tooth came out? Your tooth came out? Did you bite the bone of the rib? Oh my God. I have to chew on the right side of my mouth

because my crown of my tooth came out of my mouth during Thanksgiving. And now... I thought you were about to say sex. And now I keep pushing it back up into the spot and I have to see a dentist. Jock.

That's pretty. I need to get crowns still, too. It's been like four days. I mean, I'm doing the best I can. It's fine. As long as it's not fully out, you know? So the crown, you have a tooth that's capped, and the cap fell off,

and so you're holding the cap there with your tongue? No, no, no, no, no, no. So what I accidentally just did was bit the rib on the wrong side. And when I did this, it started to lodge the crown of my tooth again. Mm-hmm. Y'all look really concerned. It was an accident. That was my fault, truly.

I'm not that concerned. Are you judging? I'm a. Y'all look really concerned. It was an accident. That was my fault, truly. I'm not that concerned. Are you judging me? Benzene speak. It takes a lot. It's expensive to get dental work done. It's expensive. And like, you know, you can live with the little, like I'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth out. I went in there like, you got to get those out.

Also, is your tooth out or is the crown to a tooth that you had? I think we can move on. Move back up. The crown of my tooth is falling out. It has fallen out. I put it back in place. So underneath that crown is just decayed tooth. No, not decayed tooth.

It's just like a chipped tooth. It's like a tooth that they've reshaped so that the crown can go on top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this a root canal? Yeah, it's a root canal. I've had them. I have a gold tooth. Damn.

Wait, that's real gold? That's so funny. I always forget you have a gold tooth. That's like the most Costa Rican thing you've ever done. That's my fucking dentist who calls me because I didn't pay him. Bitch, I'm not paying you. You gave me a gold tooth. I just remembered your bitmoji.

How scary it was. My bitmoji medical. Huzzah! Huzzah! That is exactly what he sounds like. That was the best impersonation I've ever heard. It's an incredibly realistic Bitmoji. It's really scary.

I got deleted off my phone somehow. No! You have to remake it. Huzzah's the funniest person I saw in the video. Huzzah, do Ben voice again. Huzzah! Pass it to Ben Voice again. Pass it. I can't do it again.

I still have it. Still should be on there. Well, we can wrap there, Jock. I hope your tooth is going to be okay. You know what? If you guys want to help me, I will accept Balenciaga or Yeezy gap or yeezy shoes to help out with my problem of course exactly of course just find a dentist who's gonna be paid in uh

canceled brands i promise i'll shut the fuck up i promise i'll shut the fuck up after this but okay like seriously seriously if you have balenciaga and you're gonna burn it you have Balenciaga and you're going to burn it, if you have Yeezys and you're just going to throw them away, Google it! Google it! The tragedies are happening! The tragedies. Oh my god. I want the clothes. I dream about them every day

and I deserve them. And if you are going to message me and tell me that you love me and then why can't you get me... Oh my god, John, do you get me you're talking about the person who burned their balenciaga is one of the most decrepit just horrible scammers like bottom of the barrel retards ever who anton right you're gonna know you're you're not gonna be surprised at all when i tell you who this person is Hessa It's Ollie London

Oh my god yes the Korean Of course yes It's a guy who converted from white to Korean woman and has now detransitioned from Korean woman to conservative Christian male who's going on Tucker and basically

a gay this big gay account called matt xiv who has me blocked now on the podcast before he has me blocked yeah he um he tweeted like this is a crazy ass arc and it's like what going from right wing to right to also right wing like what the fuck are you talking about who this part this guy this this man is clearly just one of the most cynical attention hoarding gay men to ever exist who was just like i'm gonna like become a korean trans woman and then two months later detransition say a bunch of horribly transphobic shit on Tucker,

and now he's burning his Balenciaga. Yeah. And he's like, my pronouns are core slash Ian. Let me bring about the tragedy again. The Balenciagas are not getting worn. Instead of being just, they're being burnt. Ben, no one can wear the shoes if they're burnt. I hate that guy so much.

Honestly, I don't really care. I hate this guy so much. Honestly, I don't really care. I hate this guy so much. And the funniest thing is that he's going to look so fucked up his whole life. Yeah. Why is he just leaning to it? I hope the bag was worth it, Ollie. Clearly not. He only got 200 likes on this burning the Balenciaga post.

He only got 200 likes on this burning the Balenciaga post. The person who has done the most to get the easiest likes, and even then, the likes are scant. You know who's been posting more Balenciaga? Just one of the most annoying people ever. I want to get... Griff Griff has been posting more Balenciaga since then in a decancellation effort, and I want to say thank you for standing been posting more Balenciaga since then in a decancellation effort. And I want to say thank you

for standing up for what's right. Thank you. Ben, one of our famous friends told me she would give me a bunch of her old Vetements stuff. And it would be funny if I got it and I was like, thank you. And the next day on my Twitter, I was like, burning me.

Fuck the benefit. Fuck the benefit like a leaf. Okay, well, let's wrap this baby up because I got ribs to finish. But I love everyone and thank you for listening tonight. Love you all. That's Hessa. That's Ben. And I'm Jock.

And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live! © transcript Emily Beynon ¶¶ I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you. you