Seeking Derangements - SD 203 - My Stupid Ass 6,000lbs Ass MF Life

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

Welcome back everyone today we discuss Jacques recent trip to an ER which is literally named In N Out, the recent lawsuits against Dude Wipes and Thinx, and finally get into the billionaire who is undergoing extreme medical measures to de-age himself. You can find one (and oftentimes 2) bonus episodes per week on our Patreon.

Thank you. hello everyone and i quit i hate when he looks like that go you go first no you, you go, you go. Okay. So I was crying last night, which is normal. But this time I was scared because I've, when I was taking a shower after home, after work, I felt some chafe from work, which is not crazy. Cause if you wear tight pants at work, you're just dancing around into the chafe. Um, and then, you you know like a service industry job

and i saw a bump which i immediately think monkey pox syphilis uh skin cancer i'm crying i am so scared i am like calling people trying to be consoled. I am like, what is going on? I wake up at seven. I love that you knew not to call me. I love that you knew not to call me. I'm not to text you about it. I was like about to be like, Ben, look, I think I have monkeypox.

No. I think now officially all three of us have had a monkeypox scare, a false alarm. Did I have one? You don't remember? You had mosquitoes. Your window was open. Oh my god. Yeah, I was being bit by mosquitoes every night.

I go to the in and out urgent care. Restaurant. I go to the in and out. Sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry please is there please don't tell me that the urgent care you go to also shares a name with a an incredibly famous burger restaurant i think it's very urgent care called in and out i need care urgently it's very normal. Is your urgent care called In-N-Out? I need care urgently. Is it weird that they serve burgers there? Be serious. Is it actually called In-N-Out? No, it really is called In-N-Out.

I hate New Orleans so much. Okay, okay, okay. Listen up, listen up. So, I'm explaining to them everything. Y'all, I'm at the Burger King. Getting my head fixed. I'm explaining everything. I'm explaining to them everything y'all i'm at the burger king getting my head explaining everything i'm explaining my symptoms blah blah blah like or my whatever i'm sorry you're getting a mercy flight to burger and she's like by the way no jog jog jog jog slow down she's like please slow down slow down no you listen i want to know how you explained to the doctor

what your symptoms were because you saw a single bump and immediately freaked out. I got a bump on my leg. You freaked out and thought it could be monkeypox, cancer, or syphilis. No other options considered. No other options considered. What did you tell this poor

fast food worker? I told this normal nursing woman that i just wanted to figure it out and maybe i might be crazy but you just gotta look at it you were crying as well yes yes did you do a dab this is a big because i know you usually i did not i know you usually do three or four dabs before you leave the house at any moment. I'm just curious. I'm just curious if you thought that in a moment where you had a life-threatening illness,

cancer, monkeypox, syphilis, did it at least cross your mind? The time is 6.51. Maybe I should do a dab before I go. The time is 6.51. I've gone to bed at 4 a.m. I don't know if that's a.m. or p.m. I don't know which one makes more sense. Oh my God. I'm so mad right now.

Anyway, just listen up. Did you consider doing a dab? No, I didn't. I didn't. I was too tired. Okay, listen up. So the woman is like, I was like, um, so shit, can I pay the copay now? And she's like, guess what? It's actually free. You have a $55 credit

on your account. your punch card is full and that's because that it was it was a shake wait listen to why I'm junkies okay this is why it was free it's because they called me

last time I got an STD y'all please okay go ahead go ahead sorry thank i had a free 55 credit because last time i got sti tested there they read me someone else's results that had like four or five different positive results. Wait, is this something that happens so frequently at this burger slash ICU that they have

an internal system to reward people who hear the wrong results? The shocking wrong results. The doctor coming into the room and like putting the like an x-ray thing on the thingy and being like this is really really oh sorry that's a picture of a ground beef that we have in the back

that was your penis for a second so it turns out it turns out the hiv you have is wild style and then look they call me they call me twice they call me first and they told me all these results and i locked myself in the bathroom and started sobbing and sorry okay this was last time when you got the false their bathroom no at the bathroom at work okay it's okay let's just we just gotta work we gotta gotta work through this story coherently so the listeners understand as well so you you were called from with the results in and out with some results and what were the results what did they tell you you had they were saying it was i like all kinds of they were just saying a lot they were so you blacked out you blacked out They told me I had syphilis. They told me I had gonorrhea. They told me I had

chlamydia. They told me I had... So someone actually surely does have these results. Someone with all these things who was told you got a clean bill of health. I got told I had hep C. They told a completely different jock that...

A jock who somehow has more has been exposed to more STIs than you that he actually has a clean bill of health. The Sonic to your shadow. They called me back. That's your reference for an evil twin.

Y'all keep in mind this is the second time they've done something like this. Why do you keep going there? It's close. The burgers are so good. No, shut up. I only eat burgers at the place I work. So look, they call me back and they're like, hey, we read you the wrong results. You're all good to go.

And in the meantime, in the meantime, you had locked yourself in the bathroom at work and were crying. Yeah, I came out. I wiped my tears up and I was angry then. Yeah. I was working angry.

You punched a wall. Did you go back to work? Yes, of course. I was like, next in line. What do you want? What's your name? Wait, sorry, sorry. You went back to work knowing that you were currently contagious for syphilis, gonorrhea, and many more other STIs.

I went back to work. Don't mind the tears. I just found out that I have eight. Don't worry about that. The next person in line has a broken arm, and they're like, I need treatment. It's like, it's the other burger place, you jerk. I'm sick of these people coming in here thinking that I'm a nurse.

I mean, that's really what Louisiana is like. I would genuinely not be surprised if there was a combo ICU and hot wing store. I'll tell you this. Me and my friend Shelby used to go to the urgent care together because we were

sick with the same thing. We were sick with the same illness from hanging out too much and we pretended to be a couple at the time and we went in together. Dr. Shane LaHood. Love Dr. Shane LaHood.

I'm obsessed with this man. He just gave us the exact same prescriptions dr shane la hood at the ice at the icu pizza store i love dr shane la hood he's my favorite doctor ever he's so talented he is incredibly talented but no but like literally we had the exact same illness that we contracted at the same time. Okay, let's go one story at a time. So I feel like I'm completely lost in a hurricane of insanity. So John, do you realize you're telling three stories right now?

Let's go back to the second one that we were currently on that was very intriguing. You come out of the bathroom after being told that you have about half of the things in the DSM-5. I feel like that's the end of the story, right? That's the end of that part of the bathroom after being told that you have about half of the things in the DSM-5. I feel like that's the end of the story, right? That's the end of that part of the story. You cried in the bathroom and they called you back while you were still in the

bathroom. Back to the first one. Let's go back to the first one, Jock. Please help me do this here. You went there today because you were up crying till 6 a.m. because you saw a bump. You were convinced that you had syphilis or gonorrhea.

Knowing that this is a trigger for you, it makes sense. Knowing that you've constantly been on the verge of having all of these and have been told you have all of them, it makes sense that this was something that really... Gaslit into this kind of behavior. And yet you chose to go back to In-N-Out.

I don't know why. So you went there, freaked out one of the nurses, who I'm imagining with a little paper hat on, telling her to look at the bump. And what did she say? She looked at the bump and she's like, I don't think it's either of those. And then the doctor came in and she looked and she's like, okay.

Dr. Shane LaHood. No, the first I showed this. You showed him on the showed the doctor pictures of it on the phone and then like you know then i pictures like got naked yeah and then i got a picture can you show us a picture yeah i guess you got naked without him asking you to. No, I got naked with him asking you to. Or you got naked with him. And it was a woman. Meanwhile, there's someone at the counter like, excuse me, can I...

I wanted salt on these fries. Naked. Yeah, it's very clearly an ingrown hair. Yeah, basically that's what they said it was incredibly yeah it's a ingrown hair jock but just is that what they told you it was so okay that was quite a relief yeah of course it was are you looking at more of the pictures now he's staring at us yeah he completely yeah i'm just yeah i'm just one of the pictures now he's staring at us yeah yeah i'm just one of the pictures i couldn't help but show we'll make it the episode episode art y'all i think we found the episode art to what the nut your ink run hair oh my god no we are not okay put the phone down put the phone down pay attention

put the phone down um i feel like i'm your both of your teachers i'm constantly asking not to go on sniffies and wait let me ask stop i will send you to the principal's office which is in fact a separate zoom call with me and only me. Which is Bernadette. She's dead. I fired her. I rehired her. I'm easy to find on sniffies. I'm the asshole with the gaping red diamond coming out of it.

With ingrown hair. In Tribeca. If you look through the Tribeca sniffies. Monkey pox simple as slut with ingrown hairs all over her body looking for a fuck I'm ready to get poxed out has been given a clean bill of health

I believe right jog yes how much was it for that visit I wasn't I wasn't trying to put my like that it was free because of his punch card or because there was

restitution for the previous false positives they've sent him. In my mind every Jacques story takes place in like a separate universe kind of and there's no connection between any of them. They're all kind of you know, non. Yeah, they're all

very similar though. It follows the same beat every single time. It's kind of, you know, non. Yeah. They're all very similar, though. It follows the same beat every single time. It's kind of like parallel universes. It's like if Cormac McCarthy got hit on the head and became gay. Yeah, absolutely. For sure. Well, Jock has been given a clean bill of health um and we're all so happy that it was merely an ingrown hair and an illusion is what it's pronounced as

it was merely an illusion no well the ingrown hair did did exist that did exist i'm just saying so it was merely an ingrown hair um it would be so such a funny twist if it was like a little barbecue sauce or something from the last time he was at the icu honey if there's barbecue sauce i'm covered in it it's not going to be just one drip dumb stupid bitch. You could never work at In-N-Out. You don't know nothing about the medical field. You could never work

out at the In-N-Out Urgent Care. You could handle it, honey. I could never work out there? There's a gym there? It's also a gym, yeah. Honey, you could never handle a job at the In-N-Out Urgent Care. It's called the In-N-Out End Workout. The End Workout.

The In-N-Out End Workout. We're at the hamburger price in a gym at the same time. That's really what everything is becoming. I'm not joking. It's kind of depressing. Well, another depressing aspect of our collapsing society, we can look to products. Not only are we seeing combo pizza hut icus we're also seeing the mass recall of products that we all know and love due to them

being laced with poison or them being due or them being recalled due to the fact that they are completely destroying our pipes. Jewel. No, Jock, I'm talking about other things. We're talking about dude wipes and thinks. No, no, I've been flushing jewels down my pipe for months and it really has been causing an issue. So when you say pipe

issues, I'm thinking jewels, but let me keep going. Jewels? Jewels! I keep smoking when you're done with a jewel. You don't want to put it in the trash. Precious jams. You've never heard of a jewel? Jewels. Sapphires and rubies and emeralds.

It's spelled J-U-U-L-L. Yeah. You know there's not another L because you paused before you sent the other L. Yeah, I did not pause. I did not pause. I buy off brand they're Russian they're jewels with two L's

okay that's cool well while that might be happening in your life good luck you are not using either dude wipes or things because you would well maybe you have have you used dude wipes or things before have you used either of these products what I always do is I put on things to make myself feel more feminine Dude Wipes or Thinx before? Have you used either of these products?

What I always do is I put on Thinx to make myself feel more feminine to kind of compensate for the fact that I use Dude Wipes in the restroom. Yeah. Because Thinx, as you all know, are period underwear, right? That's on period.

I do use the Subway ads. Yeah. that's on period I do use the subway ads yeah they were the first kind of ads that I remember seeing that were like very very very millennial and like girl boss canon where it was just like a shot

a picture of like very high def picture of like a grapefruit slit in half yeah the millennial orange background bright orange yellow background and just like white text that's like all lowercase with like a period at the end

we're on the cutting edge of that shit it's everywhere now but Thinx was one of the first brands to really do it dude wipes you know has never really been able to of course they can't do that because it's uh well no they've done massively well but aesthetically they have not pioneered anything it's just the standard um you know male product looks how it's like military stencil lettering and it's like neon green with

like black metallic like features like funny and embarrassing like it's like how um like a little kid won't put on a regular bit won't put a regular band-aid on the cut they want like a hello kitty band-aid it's so funny it's like a guy needs um it won't buy baby wipes to wipe his ass yeah my my gay friend got hookup shamed by the guy he was hooking up with because he thought his dude wipes were too gay. Because his regular toilet wipes were like lavender scented or something. Wait, let's run that back because I didn't understand a single thing. So you have a friend who's gay. Let me try to rephrase this.

Who was making fun of your friend for not having dude wipes. He had a hookup over. The hookup went to the bathroom, used the fancy toilet wipes, and he insinuated that the toilet wipes were too sissy and too gay because he was

fucking a DL guy. First of all, we should clarify right off the bat that the problem with dude wipes is that they clog up people's plumbing because they don't break down. That is the problem. That's a problem with every single toilet wipe. So just don't

use them and flush them down the toilet. I don't like them. I think they make my hemorrhoids worse. Yeah. I'm sure lots of things are actively making those hemorrhoids worse, to be honest with you. I'm sure a few things are at odds against the hemorrhoids,

but dude wipes, anyway, they're the ultimate masculine option for the toilet wipe. So my friend started using dude wipes in the bathroom because he didn't want his hookups making fun of his toilet wipes. That's embarrassing. Yeah, I see. Well, your friends should probably stop using them because they will destroy his plumbing.

Which is what has happened to hundreds of thousands of men across this country. And they are now fomenting... You sound like you're talking about veterans. They're now fomenting a class action lawsuit against um the dude wipes corporation which is funny enough do you want to know what it's called dude dude it's just called dude like there i was looking at all these court documents earlier and it was just like you know johansson versus dude. When I, in the group chat that we have,

Jacques was searching to find dude wipes. Typed into the Google search, dude.wipes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was d-u-d-e dot w-h-i-p-e-s. Dude wipes. Dude.wipes. The way like an aristocrat would say it like Ben Kingsley sponsorship dude wipes

dude wipes dude wipes I do apologize it was hilarious I was just like it was iconic google search auto correct is really just destroying everyone's ability to type correctly I didn't have it before

you just jam you just just jam your sausage fingers into the keyboard and know that whatever you were trying to type is going to be corrected for you. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I do the same thing. I'm talking about myself. That's what everyone does. I use my elegant

spider-like graceful fingers. Take your beautiful women hands away from me and stop showing off. Well, I have this fucked up thing that happens to me on my phone because as we all know, I frequently use

the Chinese keyboard, the Mandarin keyboard, just to send people messages in Mandarin, which I love doing. But then I also downloaded the um cyrillic one and like a tagalog one and just languages i don't even know to be honest with you but it's something i'd fucked up my autocorrect where i'll just like type a message and then all of a sudden we'll just be in a completely different language it's really hard it's really that happened to me i i did um what like a year and a half ago when i was like texting my cousin in italy and my like keyboard kept auto-correcting back to english i

like switched to the italian keyboard and now every single time i like type stuff it tries to autocorrect the funniest one is if I try to type anti-semitism it autocorrects to anti-semitici or something which is not even Italian for anti-semitism it's one of the courses you have at an Italian dinner like antipasto how often do you type?

okay Jock I know that you've had your run-ins with dude wipes before i want to let you know that you could join this class action lawsuit um the settlement is pretty meager um looks like you'd get about 15 dollars per person so many people have joined on to this class action. Wait, really? Yeah. You know how many toilets I broke? One of the things that's even worse than that is the Inks lawsuit. They're being sued for something that is far more egregious than ruining your toilets. Their underwear. It makes you infertile, right?

Allegedly. I guess I should probably stress that this is all alleged because they did settle out of court and maneuver this in a way where they don't have to say that they did have any PFAS in their underwears, PFAS, whatever it is. But yeah, these are chemicals like make you infertile make your periods worse or stop

they like fuck with your hormone regulation they're forever chemicals they're in seltzers yeah they're in seltzers oh they're in I don't know about seltzer oh yes yes yes they're in varying amounts

in seltzers and it's the worst in tapachico and go look it up google it we've covered we've actually covered that on the show before um oh my god but the funniest thing about this is that they settled out of court and made people like sign ndas i believe um but if you still you can still sign on to like i think they tweaked the lawsuit and they're making another that's class action but it's so fucked up because they okay these are the these are the settlements you can get you can offer a cash reimbursement where you may receive a seven dollar refund for each purchase of up to three things period underwear reflected in your record so you

have to prove that you bought things and they'll give you a seven dollar refund per pair or seven dollars or um if you don't have so you don't have cash or you say you don't have proof of uh purchase there's a cash reimbursement without proof of purchase. You may receive a $3.50 refund for each purchase. Holy shit. It's so fucked up. It's like not even a cup of coffee at a nice coffee place. I know. You have your pussy laced with toxic chemicals.

It's so evil. And then you can opt for a voucher. You may choose to receive a voucher you may choose a receiver you may choose to receive a voucher for a discount of up to 35 off total purchases of up to 150 eligible voucher products and a single purchase of transaction on the thinks website so it's basically like we'll give you more store credit discount on more things because we gave you poison it's so much more evil than like because now your pussy tastes like a plastic plastic water bottle yeah it tastes like designing now they put pussy and they put the pussy in the nightmare ass

no literally it's so evil jog i was thinking maybe you could okay hear me out okay hear me out i'm listening joined on to the thinks class action and you could say you okay what about this you could say that you wore the things and um you had a you you pooped and it couldn't it couldn't hold your poop you pooped blood pure blood yeah yeah you had a non you had a non binary period aka poop and it didn't couldn't hold it in

and you could probably sue them on the grounds that they never claimed to not be able to hold in poop what do you poop i'm down i'm still i'm down i'm still fixated on the idea of non-binary people only have their periods when they have shit blood in their shit that's something you're gonna have you're gonna have to make that argument in court buddy i'll do it on pride studying on for the pride parade we'll see we'll see i'm still laughing at dude wipes i can't spell well i don't know what the hell's wrong with you what do you

want for me i can't really i can't really spell either it's all right but yeah we'll see i don't know have you guys ever been on a class action before i tried to get on several the naked smoothie one yeah why did you get rejected i don't remember but that my credit was bad with naked smoothies no i believe it was a dwala smoothies but it may be both no dwala had it okay i'm sure all of these massive fruit and juice smoothie companies I'm sure are subject to infection. Odwalla had a huge one in

I think the early 2000s because they had a bunch of E. coli in their product. Oh, yikes. I hate when that happens. It's always an accident though. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to put it there. It was right in the factory.

Mind my business. I had some eagle eye on me. I was trying to eat some lunch. I accidentally knocked it over. I was trying to put some hot sauce on my food. I had to poop really bad. It looked really gross in that vat, so I thought I could just poop in there. It's not my fault.

I was a class action against uh carnival crisis once actually wait really yeah because they um illegally obtained a bunch of people's uh phone numbers and then sold those to um like telemarketers and illegal data mining places. And they had a website actually where you could enter your phone number. The class actually had a website. You could enter your phone number and it would tell you if your phone number

was a part of this scheme that Carnival Cruise was being held liable for. And I made $1,500. Why were you on a cruise? I wasn wasn't i've never been on a cruise i oh my god for some some reason through like cookies or something carnival cruises just had my number attached to my name and then they illegally sold that data with a bunch of other people's data to like telemarketers and stuff. So people are in class action lawsuits. They don't even know. Yes.

Well, you have to, you have to opt in. Yeah. You could be eligible to. I see the wheels. The wheels are really turning on drugs. Head.

No, he's like, I could be in 700. You are probably one of the most eligible person, people to be in a class action. For sure. Have you ever been to camp lejeune in

1989 and i started i started getting so many for anyone who doesn't know because i think this is like if you're like above 50 you fucking know what camp lejeune is because you are just berated with the calls

for this class action but it was a i believe it was a military camp where there was was just covered in poison basically um but i ddt in the water and shit or something i don't know what was going on a friend of mine who like watches fox news a lot just has it on ambiently um because she's just insane and thinks it's funny. She's like, as soon as I started watching it, I just started getting so many Camp Lejeune emails. She's like, I think I've confused like the telemarketers into thinking that I'm like a 75 year old, like racist veteran.

I feel like I'm, you know, on the slate to get them because I'm definitely making a lot of homophobic complaints. Just muttering like, oh, this fucking faggot's ruining my life. Constantly. That I feel like I'm about to get a lot of Camp Lejeune stuff. Jock, I feel like you could get a lot of Camp Lejeune stuff, but you could probably sue in and out,

to be completely honest with you. I want it. Twice. I told you that you've gotten gonorrhea. I want to sue that one doctor who told me I had AIDS when I went into... Oh my God, the way it's happened to both of you. Do you know how many times a doctor has assumed

that I've had AIDS? At least twice. No, no, no. I went to the doctor when I was 18 years old, and I got a normal medication that I got prescribed. The dosage was... I feel like we've discussed this. I was going to say the dosage

was three times the normal dose and it says, oh, well, we're treating, we're giving you the AIDS dose. You don't have AIDS? I'm sure they said the AIDS dose. We're giving you the AIDS dose. Wait, you don't got that AIDS? It was like

Oxy. Hold on. You're telling me you ain't got AIDS? You should both sue those doctors. I still have the proof. I still have the proof. I still have the document that he gave me. I feel like that's malpractice. Did he diagnose you with HIV or was he like, we need more testing

to see if you have HIV? He brought me into his office separately and was like, can you come into my office for a second? He looked at you and he started playing the Ren soundtrack. He pressed play and a boom box. He ran the Ren soundtrack. He was like and a boom box and Ren the Ren soundtrack started playing. He was like, can you come into the bathroom

with me and I walked in here. In lipstick. He had in lipstick written on the mirror, welcome to AIDS. But he was just like, I think you have HIV. Yeah, he was like, can you sit down? And he was like, are you sexually active? I was like, I think you have HIV. Yeah, he was like, can you sit down? And he was like, are you sexually active?

I was like, yeah. Who wants to know? Are you hitting on me? I don't know. I could be for you. But he was like, you need to get tested right now for hiv that's so scary i feel like we've talked about this on here before yeah but i don't know

annoying it's so scary i want to sue him i also wanted to when i was seven um my dad got me one of those, um, in SkyMall magazine, one of those like things that's like you go into the pool with it and you like press a button and it like propels you forward kind of like really, really, really slowly. Yeah. Um, and, um, for my, like, cause my grandparents had a pool and I, it was like plugged in charging and i pressed the button a bunch of times while it was plugged in charging and it fucking exploded and i still like can't really hear out of my left ear very well because it like literally just like and there was like ashes all over my like shorts that i was wearing and like it burned like all the hair off my leg. I was like, oh. That sucks that you had to serve in the military.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hey, I think if I had to, can I list some things I would like to start class action lawsuits against? First of all, the U.S. Army. Okay. I'm starting a class action lawsuit.

Have you been threatened by a veteran before? Have you had your life threatened by the hands of a veteran? Well, join me in this class action lawsuit against the U.S. Military Industrial Complex, where we're going to sue them for everything they're worth. We're going to get all their missiles. We get to keep them. We get to keep the uniforms. We're going to get all their missiles.

We're going to have so many guns. You want a gun. Your grandmother wants a gun your grandmother wants a gun everyone gets a gun um i'm gonna definitely have to take a class x in the lawsuit against rydell skates which is my favorite type of roller skate but all the times i fall don't say that don't go on the record saying it's your favorite yeah yeah that's bad wait why also we do i think in a previous episode you say the address of the veteran. You did.

We should probably go back and mute that. You've threatened that man's life many a time on this show that thousands of people have already listened to. I've never threatened him and he deserves it. Okay.

That's right. Yes, you have it. Your Honor, none of this is true. Let's go. That's done. Cut. Your Honor, I didn't do that. Your Honor, this is true.

Your Honor, I don't like jail. Your Honor, I'm going to tell you exactly why I don't deserve to be sentenced. Because I am perfect and I do not deserve jail time. Thank you, Your Honor. I'm going to tell you exactly why I don't deserve to be sentenced. Because I am perfect and I do not deserve jail time. Thank you, Your Honor. I would totally be the kind of bitch, like, if I was on trial for something, I would be like, Your Honor, is the jury mad at me? Your Honor, permission to poll the jury and see if they're mad at me? Please, I feel like they're just being

mad at me for something I did that I don't remember. Could you ask them? Your Honor, you have to dismiss this case. They haven't even texted me back. Your Honor, could you ask the jury if I got too drunk last night and was weird, maybe? Did I do anything weird? Your Honor, did I overstay my welcome

yesterday at the court? Seems like maybe I had too much of an edible and you guys thought I was being awkward. Could you ask that? Yeah. Your Honor, was I standing really weird? Your Honor, could you ask the jury what I should do with my hands? I feel like I have a... Your Honor, I just don't know where to put my hands when I'm in public.

I just feel like I don't know what to do with them. Could you ask them what looks most natural if it's at my sides or in my pockets? Your Honor, permission to use my fidget spinner while I talk to the jury? I think I would make a class action lawsuit against Red Bull for making me fat. Does that work?

Nice try proving that it was just the Red Bull that made you fat. I don't know if that one's going to work, Jock. Also, a class action can't just be something. Do you know what class action means? It could be a class action. The whole class takes some action. What's wrong with that class action sounds like a say uncle

hey look look you go to your local university so I love the idea of the lawsuit if it's Gonsolin the Red Bull and the claim is that drinking it made you fat for that to be a class action there would have to be other people it would be all your friends and and the claim is that drinking it made you fat.

For that to be a class action, there would have to be other people. It would be all your friends and family who are also mad that you're fat. The 6,000 pound sisters. Honestly, me. The 6,000 pound sisters. We get, uh, who else? I don't think you understood.

It's not just other fat people. They probably went through what I went through. I don't know you understood. It's not just other fat people. They probably went through what I went through. I don't know how many victims Big Red Bull has claimed. To 6,000. Are they 6,000 pounds? Did you say 6,000 pound sisters?

I think that's too big. 6,000 pounds? That's like a Buick that's like a 50s Buick did you say 6,000 did you say 600 yes I did I'm sorry I'm broken y'all

I stayed up all night I stayed up all night crying about monkey parts 12,000 pounds in that family that's like a backhoe that's like industrial 6,000 pounds that's like a backhoe that's like industrial six thousand pound sisters

i can't even look at it tesla i can't even look at her. She's so funny. I've never seen that show. That show seems so fucked up. What show? What show? 6,000 Pounds. My 6,000 Pound Ass Life on TLC.

My 6,000 Ass Pound Ass Bitch Ass Life. I would actually watch that show. My 6,000 Pound Ass Motherfucking Ass Life. I would actually watch that show. My 6,000 pound ass motherfucking ass life. My 6,000 pound ass motherfucking ass life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

John, can you gain about 4,000 pounds of sleep? Yes! Are're saying I weigh 2,000 I weigh 200 you stupid bitch you can gain about 1,000 pounds so we can cast you I don't weigh that much already you would need me to weigh so much more

they don't care someone who's sitting that's the working title for the whale. Imagine being like a TLC talent scout and you meet someone who's 5,000 pounds and you're like, look, we need you to gain at least another four. Have you seen what these 6,000 pound sisters are doing? You think you're going to make it for this company? You weigh 4,000 pounds.

Okay. Don't even have seen that before. Okay. I would love to be the person who does that. That's not in the episode title. What? My 6,000 pound ass motherfucker. I would love to be the guy

that does the scouting for TLC. Oh shit, y'all got me. Just be the most evil, evil scouting for TLC. Oh, shit. You all got me. The most evil, evil person. You would think Andy Cohen. I almost broke my computer. You would think Andy Cohen is the most kind of Machiavellian, like, evil gay guy.

No. There are people out there who are so adept and so evil and plumbing the most desperate people that they can't even show their faces. They can't even be public. They like open up like a Guinness book of world records, 2008 and find the saddest record. Dude,

that book is, that book was so cool. And then now looking back on it, it's one of the sickest, most pervert. These people were, wait, really? Yes. These people were... Wait, really?

Yes. It's so fucked. What book about that? The Guinness Book of World Records. They were pushing people to waste their lives away. Talking about that like it's like the albino brothers that were forced into like a bamboo cage and poked with sticks. Guinness Book of World Records.

I thought that was just like guys with like lizard tongues. Horrible things. I don't think they're provoking anyone to do anything. It's just like the lady with the longest fingernails. Yeah. It's because you... Jock is just a single tear rolling down Jock's face. I can't believe they

caged this beautiful animal. You've been billed to believe this way. But I'm... You could be in the book of World records or something most cock sucked without vomiting blood 1400 times i would think that's something that you have done while sucking cocks okay you could do the most vomited most blood vomited while sucking a cock look at something that's more like most hated fat girl.

There's this really cool guy on YouTube that the pot about list guys found that it's like, um, he tries to set all these records, but he's like a total failure. All of them. He's like, I'm going to just set the records for most milk chugs in two minutes. He tries and just fails miserably and throws up all over.

And he's just like, yeah, well, that didn't work't work i'm gonna set the record for longest straw in the world like drink from uh the longest straw it's so fucking funny to watch i love this guy okay well let's get to another guy another freaky freak ass bitch that we want to talk about um something we found someone who's been out there for a minute. Lizzo? No. Guy. Okay. No.

His name is Brian Johnson. He is an incredibly, incredibly wealthy person. I believe he is nearing a billionaire. Might not be yet. I'm not sure. But suffice to say, someone who is a complete freak um he ran a payment processing system that he sold to venmo for 800 million i believe or maybe they bought them over 800 million regardless an incredibly rich person jock you're trying not to text aren't you i can tell you're hiding you're hiding the phone under the desk no that's okay mr gonsolin reports to the principal's office and

but so this guy um brian johnson has been for quite a while trying to go through a process that is, you know, what's the word? Backed by epigenetic research that's all incredibly new. And from what I've discovered, really, really soft. From my calculations as a Mr. Scientist. I don't even know what you're saying. Not really that accurate. But he's trying to do de-aging, right?

He's, I believe, 45 and obsessed with becoming younger. There's an amazing article that I read about him and I pulled some of the He wants to become the same. He wants to become just like his beautiful boy, Cranbosmer.

I pulled some of my favorite parts from this article. I've got quite a lot of it because it was an absolutely insane article, but I want to read through some of it with you guys and see what you think about this fucking freak. So it opens like this. The night before we met, Brian Johnson didn't get up once to pee.

The development excited him greatly because it was it was proof his plan was working in previous weeks johnson has been had been spending 30 minutes at a time sitting on top of an electromagnetic machine to strengthen his pelvic floor the contraption which feels like two small hands repeatedly punching you in the sensitive region in quick succession is typically used for women. We're hoping to rebuild strength after birth. So he was, he's sitting on a machine every night before he goes to bed that is punching him in the balls because he wants to have,

he wants to have strongest cock in the world. No, he wants to be able to eat. Why is he doing it? He's doing it because he doesn't want to have to get up and pee at the night so he can have a full uninterrupted 8.5 hours of sleep like this guy's working theory is that the body it's biohacking the body needs to be run algorithmically to optimize its output and to optimize its function and health and therefore that is how you kind of start to

de-age yourself in johnson's world anything less than the complete anything less than complete perfection is seen as a deficiency and nightly urination was getting in the way of of a perfect sleep the machine seemed to have the machine seemed to fix the problem he proudly showed me his sleep activity from the past week as registered by his smart watch and he had scored an enviable perfect 100 each night which is 8.5 hours there are other benefits too the machine had substantially increased his urination strength and the distance from which he could stand from the toilet while peeing a sign he claimed that he was getting younger and not older what the fuck yes so this guy is like seeing how far he can stand away from the toilet and make it in

like a seven-year-old yeah and i mean it does show that you're getting younger i guess yeah but i'm just like i'm obsessed with this guy because i you know i think like a lot of people kind of think about like what would you do? How would having this immense stratified wealth kind of change your life? How would it exacerbate existing insecurities you have? You just have this ability to kind of eliminate. Yeah, like a do-anything pass kind of yeah what would you do with that yeah it turns out if you're weird you become the weirdest guy ever this guy is so fucking weird

but you know what i'm like i think that i i totally get why he's doing this to be honest with you i think that if I had like billions and billions of dollars I'd be like okay how do I optimize my food intake to be as disgusting but nutritious as possible um hello I have such weak will that I would do that for like a week and then I would

um die two weeks later because I fell off and went on a bender and like ate myself to death like I do not have will I'm just like too manic but um fell off and went on a bender and like ate myself to death like what do you think i'm doing will i'm just like too manic but um this guy is got it on lock he is a fucking freak okay so johnson says that he spends more money on his body than lebron with this sizable budget more than than $2 million a year, he pays for the food he eats, a precise 1,900 calories a day,

made of the world's most nutritious elements, as well as the 112 to 130 supplemental pills he takes on a daily basis. And the ultrasound machine and other medical grade machinery he keeps on the second floor of his discreet compound in venice los angeles where he and his team of more than 30 doctors and clinicians and researchers analyze how the 78 organs that make up his body have responded to the latest tweaks in his diet sleep and movement so he has like i mean is i i mean if at that point you're making it so that you live to be like 110, but your life sucks the whole time. Like, what are you doing? He has no joy in his life outside of like turning his body into an algorithm. And he clearly loves and is obsessed with it.

Like, this is the only joy he finds. There is none else, you know. Johnson is not a professional athlete, nor does he have any obvious illnesses. He is in many ways. No obvious. He is in many ways a Silicon Valley success story. The founder of a payment processing company, Braintree, which purchased Venmo in 2012. It was then acquired by PayPal for 800 million, blah, blah, blah.

acquired by paypal for 800 million blah blah blah soon after that he founded kernel a new neuroscience focused technology company focused on developing a helmet that will in his words bring the brain online oh my god this guy rocks he's so fucking crazy and if you haven't seen a picture of him he looks like a trans woman he looks like when Caitlyn Jenner was you know clearly had like FFS like before she killed that guy you know and was like transitioning privately and would just go out there and be like I'm

a normal man you're clearly transitioning he looks like Michael Cimino yeah no and he he has a really insane he has an insane relationship with his body but we'll get into it um our minds are given this is a quote from his our minds are given unquestioned authority to do what they want when they want how they want so long as you're not violating the laws of society

johnson explained to me yeah do you know what i just realized you know what he looks like he looks like he would play a cult leader in an episode of law and order svu no for sure like 30 wives in svu absolutely or like a therapist who yeah a therapist who's like pioneering a um new insurgent type of therapy called like rape therapy something regression rape therapy yeah yeah yeah yeah um but so let's see yeah our minds are given unquestioned authority to do what they want when they want how they want so long as you're not violating the laws of society i love that he seems he sees a huge problem with that it's like we need this is something we clearly need to fix johnson explained to me that when we spoke first johnson explained that to me when we first spoke late last year

what does he said we said we don't think about what our other parts of our body want besides our brain but really what does my liver want what does my heart want and then we rearrange my liver want and then saying what does my heart want and but not meaning like no not in a romantic way what do all my discrete organs have in competition with each other and how are they not being met by having hundreds of tests done on them a week. It's insane. Extreme as the specific approach to his life might be, this is a man... Oh my God, I forgot about this part.

This is a man who has a device that tracks his nightly erections. Johnson falls squarely in line with many of his Silicon Valley peers. In recent years, people throughout the technology sector have taken increasingly and increasingly innovative and often eccentric approaches to their personal health and wellness in pursuit of a longer happier life the industry is chock full of people who for example eat five cans of sardines a day or

consume nothing but coffee water and tea for over a week straight former twitter ceo jack dorsey made headlines in 2019 when he announced that he had fasted for 22 hours a day and often went days without nothing but water, sparking concerns that the tech center was rebranding eating disorders as wellness.

That's a great little demo. But they do all have renownly insane... They do all, I mean, Steve Jobs died because he tried to cure his cancer with avocados. Is that really true? Yeah, it's true. He had cancer that was completely treatable by medical science. He was doing like beetroot enemas.

He was like, I don't need doctors. I don't need like chemotherapy or medicine or radiation therapy or anything. Ego or stupid? I think it's both. I think it's hubris. I think he's just like, yeah. What about Hubert? Hubert? Yeah, it was Hubert.

It's okay. While its roots are academic, the anti-aging movement has piqued the interest of some of the tech industry's largest players, including PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel, which is hilarious because I don't know if you saw the recent picture of Peter Thiel, but he looks so fucked up. Yeah, he looks like a freak. I saw someone say... He looks like a picture in the zombie movie who was bitten by a zombie but hasn't told his friends yet because he's afraid of getting kicked out of the camp.

Exactly what he looked like. He's like all like, like, like just completely pale, gray, sweaty. He looks so fucked up um so basically this guy johnson is running a experiment on his body to optimize his every single one of his organs for pure health and is sacrificing his entire life to do this what do you think i'm doing this all time as well this guy jock i think is on a one man like mission to destroy your way of life

which is completely indulgent one i'm the healthier one okay well we'll see about

that as of now johnson claims that the experiment which he's dubbed a project blueprint is more concerned with the with

understanding the possibilities of one's own body than creating a replicable system um so he yeah he's the most divorced man the possibilities of one's own body than creating a replicable system. This is the most divorced man on the planet. Literally, this guy is like...

No one has ever been more divorced than this guy. Whoever dies first loses between me and this guy, and whoever lives wins. It would be so funny if he just got hit by a car or slipped in the shower and like hit his head yeah yeah um so after two years of of doing this right of having this getting tested every day having this insanely restricted diet after two years he claims his skin is that of a

20 20 something and his fitness level is that of an 18 year old his body also now runs three degrees cooler than it used to more than 50 of his biomarkers are now perfect if your body runs three degrees cooler than it used to what does that mean that means your body temperature is 95 degrees that means that means you're dead i could die if that happens i literally nope the body even claims he even claims that he has been able to stop dying his hair as of three months ago after making significant progress reversing gray hair that's the biggest lie i've ever that's such an obvious funny lie you know what i don't even wait i don't even use hair dye it's like a guy who's obviously

wearing a wig telling you that he's not wearing a wig. I believe him. The writer continues, and yet in person, he remains clearly a middle-aged man searching as many do just with more resource at his disposal and a greater degree of obsessiveness. For one thing,

no amount of money has ever been able to buy. Let's see. Love? So as, no amount of money has ever never been able to buy. Let's see. Love. So as no, as far back as he could remember, Johnson has struggled with his own image of his body. He had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror and felt jealous when he was around people who felt comfortable in front of the camera.

Do you think he's dressed? This is literally, this is literally a trans woman. I knew you were going to say this. I'm not kidding. Yeah. He just has dysphoria. i wanted that so badly he said oh my god i know he looks so he looks like pre-transition caitlin johnson came from humble beginnings in springfield utah one of the five children of a devout mormon

mother he had grown up on a quote-unquote typical 80s american diet of sugar-filled cereal and canned goods he said after which he after which time he was never able to rid himself of the awful diet habits that he had developed from that time johnson did what he could to exercise and eat healthy but throughout his adult life he struggled with chronic depression exacerbated by the stress of running his technology companies. Like a lot. I love this. Okay. This part is insane. Like a lot of people,

he felt that he felt the least in control of his emotions at night when he would become powerless. What he coined evening, Brian, alter ego, evening, Brian, evening,

Brian would help himself to extra servings of dinner or make his way through a box of graham crackers. No, not graham crackers. Not a box of graham crackers. Evening Brian would snack at night. Also, he raped and murdered 163 young boys. Also, he would frequently disappear to Columbia

and wake up covered in blood it's so funny for you're like the like the most like guilty part of yourself a part of yourself that you can't even recognize is you you literally need to give it a different name for that time of day when your monster comes out to be evening and not like 3am evening Brian not like deep night evening Brian loves sex tourism yeah evening evening Brian is so

fucking funny evening Brian 6pm Brian the worst time of day evening Brian he said was an absolute monster who left him irritable cloudy miserable and self-loathing by morning i felt so much shame because i was so out of control i couldn't regulate what i ate and i also felt so bad about myself he is talking about a second helping of dinner and a box of graham crackers and he's

like i'm out of control he's insane we're saying this is what crackers. And he's like, I'm out of control. Insane person. This is what I'm saying. He's out to destroy your way of life, Jock. Because he clearly, imagine if he saw how you ate, he would shoot himself in the head. I feel like most dieticians try to knock off my way

of life as unhealthy, but he'll learn. They'll all be taking notes evening brian might be in control for only four hours a day but he inflicted most of the harm on johnson's life he became he came to believe i was at war with myself he said i was just a slave to myself my passions my emotions my next desire which is exactly how I would describe telling a girl that you're on a date with when you're

you go back to her place and it suddenly it's 4pm you look at the clock and it's like 358 and you're like, oh no, gotta get out of here. Put me in the bathroom, lock the door no matter what I say, don't let me out. You don't want to see barricade the door. Barricade the door. And then he's in the bathroom lock the door no matter what i say don't let me out yeah like he's trying to like he's trying to barricade the door barricade the door and then

he's in the bathroom he's like can you open the door and give me a graham cracker please i just want one cookie please can i get a second helping of salmon please johnson started to perform an analysis on all the organs that make up his body he tested his urine stool saliva and fitness levels he underwent ultrasounds mris and colonoscopies he swallowed a camera the size of a baby carrot after fasting for 24 hours took slack took laxatives for six hours then excreted it almost in 11 hours almost all of it in 11 hours later he did this because he wanted to get 33 000 images of his of his intestinal tract imagine that you just 33 yeah to you he took laxatives for six hours so he just kept eating them yes i feel like that's

that's really, really, really crazy. Have you never had a colonoscopy? It can't be healthy. It wasn't to get a colonoscopy drug. It was because he swallowed a camera the size of a baby carrot and wanted to have that camera take pictures of his entire intestinal tract. It was not for colonoscopy.

I got that. I'm just saying, Hesse, you've never had one? No, I've never had a colonoscopy. I've never had a colonoscopy. I don't think it's a routine procedure. What the hell? It's a pretty routine procedure. I thought you only get them when you're above 50.

Look, routine like a fox. Yeah, but that's routine. I mean, above 50, it's routine. Yeah, but it's not surprising that neither of us have had them done. No, no, no. I'm supposed to get one every three years. You need to be studied the way this guy is being studied, honestly. Every conceivable way to test my body was to get data on this.

He's just compiling all this data. He's trying to turn himself into an algorithm. So he talks about his calorie restriction and about all these doctors who disagree that calorie restriction has proved to like make you healthier and to do that he has this interviewer

eat what he eats in a day his diet is insane I kind of want to try it I would love to like challenge myself to eat this for a week and see how I feel because it seems insane so to prove delicious to prove he eats a sufficient amount johnson treats me johnson treats me um

to all he eats in a single day after a cup of tea for the antioxidants i take down a morning drink that includes water two and a half grams of creatine collagen peptides which are the only non-vegan food that johnson consumes and spermidine which he tells me stabilizes the dna especially when consumed at its optimal amounts i don't know it's not i does not see what spermidine is but i'm assuming it's this yeah i'm assuming it's this man's cum um which he says sounds like a company in like a gay porn that like a guy would be in an interview for like hi welcome to spermidine interesting spermidine yeah exactly exactly jock um it helps stabilize the dna i don't even know what that means either when it's consumed at optimal amounts but he says is 13.5 milligrams per day

I feel like this guy is just completely lying he's like on the fly lying to this reporter at the same time a doctor is lying to him and then he's like imagine being this guy's doctor he's paying so many people and this science seems to be

pretty soft and mostly speculative that if you just are being paid by this insane billionaire to just tell him that he needs to have 13 and a half milligrams of spermidine like this guy's doctors standing um outside the fountain at the bellagio while claire de loon plays just like looking at it in slow motion like oceans 11 like they just did the the heist of the century just stealing this guy's money from him yeah literally uh at the same time i consume a pretty good starter kit of supplements including cacao flavonoids it increases nitric oxide production and the red wine pill this guy um came up with a red wine pill because he was drinking red wine for the antioxidants and then he was like,

actually, I feel like the alcohol is making me fat. And so he took all of the benefits from red wine and put them into a proprietary pill that he has once a day. That's so funny. That's so cool. The red wine pill. I kind of want to try it.

I know, me too. Me too. Later, I eat a meal he calls nutty pudding, a sort of smoothie that includes berries, sunflower lectin, and a chalky side of supplement. We also eat the super veggie, which includes hemp seeds, broccoli, cauliflower, lentils, shiitake mushrooms, world-class olive oil,

and strangely, pure dark chocolate that has been tested for heavy metals like cadmium. Oh my god. I know. Imagine, I want to be his dark chocolate tester. Is there heavy metals in dark chocolate? Yeah, there's a bunch of it. No, there literally is a bunch of heavy metals in chocolate. There was a study that came out recently

that had like, I think it was like Hershey's like some of the massive chocolate producers have a lot of heavy metals in them. I told them i've had too many heavy metals and they can't fit any more in here well i think they can um he said he likes the texture even if it looks disgusting which it does and that it allows him to take done more quickly as it would take too long to eat piece by piece johnson doesn't use salt instead using a substitute called new salt or potassium chloride potassium chloride isn't that a poison i don't know but it's so many noose it's n u dash salt it's like another

what's another one of these like fucked up evil companies i use new salt he says all the fun of salt without the sodium it's like all the fun of salt i would kill myself if someone said that i know i would kill myself if i ever felt like i needed to say it according to johnson he eats 10 times the amount of dietary fiber of the typical american and it's true that is while the food is filling, especially when it is consumed in quick succession. Taste is another matter. The food is fine, if odd, due to the four

singular flavor combinations like chocolate and broccoli. Later that day after I left, I became momentarily overwhelmed by a sense of nausea and had to lie down. Oh my god. Perhaps evidence of the aforementioned period of adaptation that

Johnson referred to. There's another incredibly long section about this article about Johnson was talking about how hard it was for him to adapt to this diet. He was talking about how it felt like his body was shutting down but then after two years he was at 3% body fat, which is the

optimal functioning percentage. It only took two years to like his lifestyle. That's so cool. I'm so happy. This guy's so unhappy. Two years. I'm going to live longer than this prick. Are you kidding me? How old is that now?

You would hate this guy. You would hate this guy's diet so much. He eats that every day. That's why I keep naturally tuning out because I just hate how healthy this guy. You would hate this guy's diet so much. He eats that every day. That's why I keep naturally tuning out because I just hate how healthy this guy is. He's not healthy, Jock. Don't worry. I think he's probably incredibly healthy.

I'll be honest with you. Of course, this is your kind of lifestyle, Ben. You want to look like some kind of sick and twisted child bride. What? You heard me right. You want to look like a baby. No, I want to look like twisted child bride. What? You heard me right. You want to look like a baby. No, I want to look like a child bride.

And that's how you're going to sell yourself. Yeah, I would love to look like a child bride. He's so trans. Yeah, he looks really trans. You and your eggs. Y'all are like addicted to eggs. No, but this one for real. This guy is so trans. This is crazy. This guy's hard-boiled, I'm telling you.

He's not scrambled. He's not over easy. He's hard-boiled. His body has all these weird marks on it. That's from testing he was doing. Stop. I'm so gross. Brian Johnson is, depending on how you measure, either 45 or 42.

By the number of days he's been alive, he is 45. But according to Johnson's preferred marker, known as his epigenetic age, he's about two and a half years younger. Currently, he claims to age... I thought you were going to say he's about two and a half years old. He's a little baby. They all want to be babies.

Currently, he claims to age 277 days during every chronological 365-day period, meaning that he essentially ages nine months every year. I get basically October, November, and December for free, he said. The goal is to do this organ by organ, to make, for example, his kidney anatomically and functionally identical to his own sons. kidney anatomically and functionally identical to his own sons i'm trying to become identical i'm trying to become biologically identical to talmadge his teenage son he told me i'm working out in his private gym my favorite part my teenage son talmadge no my favorite part about that is

that my teenage son is or is in brackets meaning that he didn't explain that he said i'm trying to become i'm trying to become biologically identical to talmage and then the reporter probably was like okay what does that mean can you explain can you explain what the fuck talmage is to me right now before i call the police yes i'm trying to become biologically identical to talmage, his teenage son. He told me while working out in his private gym. I would want the doctors not to be able to discern who's who.

Bro, you look 45. You look old. Like you're not going to reverse age. He looks like he would be in the band Kraftwerk. That's literally what he looks like he would be in the band Kraftwerk that's literally what he looks like I realize for sure it's a weird form of insanity that

McDonald's exists and his eyes the same goes for societal work culture that celebrates late night emails in bags under workers eyes we're destroying ourselves he said speaking specifically to the pressures of his fellow found that his fellow fellow founders face he continued you're expected

to be ragged and and to ruin yourself to build this thing it's lopsided an unfair relationship somehow we're all sacrificing ourselves for what what is it for most people the answer would sit somewhere between money and meaning but after john Johnson obtained both, he realized neither satiated him. And he decided to find a better, healthier way. And somehow I'm weird, he said. And that makes me the weird one. That's so crazy to say totally unironically and with no self-reflection whatsoever that I mean I found money and that

didn't make me happy and I found meaning and that didn't make me happy then you didn't find meaning you dumbass like you didn't what are you talking about no but meaning is just turning your body into a computer so you can look like your sexy little son for him

my beautiful boy I want to i need to look exactly like i want to have the ass of a seven-year-old just like talmage understandably johnson chooses sorry understandably johnson chooses to focus on to accept the benefits of blueprint which is the name of his um his project project right and so he um he's basically alienated by doing this most people who hang out with me in time come around he said with the smirk among them keep in mind these people who he have just he's described who hang out with him who come around to understanding among them are his father and one of his teenage sons.

One of them. It's like, sorry, people who you hang out with, I would have described as my dad and one of your sons. It would be so funny if Talmadge was the one son that doesn't hang out with him

and he just is like, I want to look like Talmadge was the one son that doesn't hang out with him. And he just is like, I want to look like Talmadge. And his other son is just like, Dad, do you want to look like me? And he's like, get out of here. What the fuck? So among them are his father

and one of his teenage sons, who I met briefly as I arrived to Johnson's house. Johnson couldn't tell me how much his son enjoys the program because his son Talmadge is also on this diet with him. Johnson couldn't tell me how much his son enjoys the program. I haven'tmadge is also on this diet with him johnston

couldn't tell me how much his son enjoys the program i haven't asked him what his level of joy is i know that he chooses to do it i haven't asked him what his level of joy is is so crazy it's like all i know is that he chooses to do it it's so insane he said um but the boy himself told me that after a period of adjustment he came to appreciate the way he felt when he woke up every day and the taste of the food was 10 out of 10 still when i asked johnson for examples of infractions he noted not those of his own but those of his son who recently succumbed to the temptation of sugar and eat candy while making gingerbread houses over the holidays oh my god villainizing his son for celebrating christmas yeah just like

imagining just like being so candy starved that you lose it building a gingerbread house you just go feral and like eat a bunch of gumdrops it's so fucked up to make your son make a gingerbread house and then be like you can't you can't even touch it i know in such instances the son says you have to optimize it you have to optimize the house he says he says that he told talmud or whatever not talmud talmud yeah talmud he told um he told talmud that his emotions were getting the best of him Talmadge. Talmadge. Yeah, Talmadge. He told Talmadge that his emotions were getting the best of him, but that he's almost there. But not everyone

is sold. Justin's 13-year-old daughter, he told me, is not on board with this at all. He said he's happy for her to do what she wants, but doubters be damned. Referring to your daughter as a doub wants, but doubters be damned. Referring to your daughter as a doubter.

Doubters be damned. My daughter is damned to me. She can do whatever she wants, but she's damned to me. If she's not going to be part of Project Blueprint, then she's no daughter of mine. Fat ass can choke. Johnson believes he moves stuff. My daughter, Cran Bosmer, really hates

the TV program. Oh my, she's so fat. I can barely look at her. My son's Honch Barbara and Talmadge. I only speak to Talmadge. Honch Barbara won't speak to me. Johnson believes he might have stumbled upon a formula that could save humanity. Others look at this and they think, that's got to be hell, he said.

But Johnson feels happy, healthy, and more level-headed. humanity others look at this and they think that's gotta be hell he said but johnson feels happy healthy and more level-headed for the first time in my life i have achieved peace within myself i do not remember a time in my life ever feeling younger he said he says he now sees ending self-harm and happiness through medical measurement as the first step in solving the world's problem he's i just solving the world's problem it's so insane to think that like anti or like de-aging is something the world needs instead of just like health care yeah and also to think that he's like oh why doesn't everyone do this yeah like yeah why doesn't everyone have an ultrasound on their second floor of their compound maybe the future begins by eating vegetables instead of us pointing at the world and trying to solve the problems by changing everyone else.

It's like the evidence is pretty clear that society is not in a great spot right now, mentally speaking. He seems like such a dumbass, honestly. He seems like a a dumbass honestly he seems like a fucking dumbass literally sounds like retarded okay we can end on this quote by him that i think it's like amazing the same way you would measure the body with hundreds of measurements you would measure the earth with hundreds of measurements and then you'd say, what do you need to be your optimal self? The earth, he said, would say it needs to be on a caloric restriction diet,

which if you tease this out, if you tease this out, right, he's saying you need to think of the body. You need to measure the body for all of optimal kind of um data points and then eradicate anything that's like bad within them or change them or make them more optimal here the measurements on earth would then apply to like individual human beings and then being on the caloric restriction would i think he means like you're gonna have to kill a bunch of people. Yeah. Or make them skinny.

Yeah. It's so insane. How stupid do you have to be to think like oh, if you ask the earth what it wants. It'll get it. It would tell you, oh, I really want to restrict my calorie intake. It's a fucking planet.

It doesn't eat anything. What are you talking about? He's a moron. I barely understood any of the things he said and i can't tell if it's because i'm really stupid or because he is speaking in this like billionaire speak that doesn't make sense to anyone at all it's like saying if your tv is broken like you see a broken like tv or a broken lamp and being like what does this lamp need if you asked it it would probably say that it needs um its kidney function optimized it's like what what are you talking yeah yeah no well that's him i would encourage everyone to look up pictures of

him of him there are are also i'm sorry her find pictures of her there are also pictures of uh talmud or whatever the fuck his name is out there his his face is blurred out yeah he blurred out in the thing he said he doesn't want anyone to see it uh yeah he doesn't want anyone to see how how much younger he is he's jealous he's like a slowly aging talmud it would just suck so much to have this crazy trans woman as your mom. This crazy in denial trans woman. He does look incredibly

trans. Maybe we'll make his face the cover art. He was just describing dysphoria. Yeah. I had saved one little tiny thing for if we have a second. I think we can.

What is it? Just once. Okay. Me and this girl were talking on Grindr about Sophie. And she were talking about Sophie, how Sophie died. And she says, she says, that day Sophie died. I was so sad. I laid there in my bathtub until the water was cold.

And I asked myself, is it cold in the water? Really the most triggering thing I've ever heard in my life. That's really dumb. It sounds like you were talking to a really cool person.

Yeah, and then I got rejected by the girl because she said she's only looking for straight cis men. Okay, and on that note,

thank you everyone for listening today. Thank you. That's a wrap. Bye y'all. Bye. I met you then, I know you now You smiled when you looked my way My heart skipped a beat that day

The moment you looked my way I met you then, I know you now Seems that I always knew I'd be in love with you So much in love with you The sound of your voice, the touch of your hand Thrill me through and through Now I've made my choice, and dear it's so grand

To spend my life making love to you I met you then, I know you now I know you were meant to be Something so heavenly A heaven on earth to me © transcript Emily Beynon