Seeking Derangements - SD 221 - Parking Lot Perverts

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

Were back with Jake! We talk about why i have to record in car in a semi-active lot, the time lady gaga dressed up as a nazi at coachella, on the ground reporting from Real America about Bud Lite being gay and then hesse gets mad bc i start driving. As always subscribe to our Patreon for one (oftentimes two) bonus episodes/videos per week

Thank you. Hello everyone and welcome back to Seeking Arrangements. It's Ben. I'm here in a car. I'm recording from a car because I'm traveling in Iowa. I'm here with Jake and Hessa. Jock is editing a 20 minute video of him going to the zoo so i told him to work on that and jake's in um filling in for jock what's up um how are we doing y'all do i look do i look crazy right now because i am you look super meth-y you look like you're about to um like shoot up a sporting goods store and you're

making a video beforehand. Yeah, I'm actually really worried because I am. I'm sitting between a church and a restaurant that I worked at when I was 14. And then a. Is this the one where the. I would say a very active playground right now. And the playground is really scary because i need to just not look in that direction because i feel like the more i look over there people are gonna think

that i'm leering so i'm actually gonna face i'm gonna try very hard to not look to my left if i do that please one of you scream pedophile so i can um snap back into reality and realize what's at stake is that the restaurant where the lawsuit happened no i was not working at that place when i was 14 this is a disgusting horrible um restaurant that's frequented by um geriatrics uh it's italian and it's like absolutely horrible it's like olive garden um it's like family-run olive garden it's run by a couple of insane italian um iowans who probably have been sued for other reasons but they did not sexually harass me italian the australian who owned a restaurant here

which behind every small business there's a lawsuit. Multiple, I would say. Behind every small business? Not ours yet. We might have some lawsuits coming soon. Keep your eye out for that, y'all. Colin hasn't sent me my 1099. Let's not talk about taxes

on there. He don't want to do that. I'll tell you that one right now. It's a little thing I know. You don't want to... Y'all file your extensions? Strike that from the record. I actually did. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm going to have an anxiety attack.

For other reasons, Mr. IRS. You have a CPA. But Jake, we are not talking about taxes on the air. I'm sorry. Welcome to the tax episode. I don't know Jake we are not talking about taxes on the air I'm sorry welcome to the tax episode for the record I don't know what they are and I

this I do not oblo English I plead I plead I plead I plead me

yes taxes yeah I mean I will be doing that at some point what else can we talk about right off the bat? Business. Have you been sued? You haven't been sued for anything.

You're a small business. I have been sued, but, you know, this is a tax episode, so we won't get into that. We'll just talk about taxes. This is not a tax episode. This is a lawsuit episode. No, this is not a lawsuit episode. Hessa, what?

How about you, Hessa? Have you been sued for anything? We are not talking about lawsuits on here. It's my birthday tomorrow. Free birthday episode. Oh, yeah? How old are you? One. One.

I'm turning one years old tomorrow. I'm turning one. Damn, no. what I'm turning one years old tomorrow I'm turning one damn no I it's so I've been spending more time with these two babies in my life and it's really crazy man yeah that's how I refer to you too my babies no the two infants I know

they grow so quickly and I don't know if you guys know this about babies they have like razor sharp nails. Look at this. Yeah. It looks like a cat. It looks like a cat scratch. It's four inches long.

Have you guys seen these painted cat claw tip things? How do you feel about them? Painted cat claw tip things? Apparently, if you've got a cat, you can have the vet or someone put these claw tips on the cat. Oh, like little plastic caps. It seems kind of cruel.

What's the official thought on that? I mean, I'm sure the cats don't mind. But that's all they got. I feel like it's like wrapping a bird in duct tape. Yeah, or oil like it's like wrapping a bird in a duct tape yeah or oil wrapping a bird in duct tape feel like yeah it's i would say it's pretty fucked up have you ever seen a bird wrapped in duct tape is that like a thing that happens to birds times in iowa well no i mean you know i was trying to think of a corollary to

clipping a bird's wings right clipping a bird's wings is like clipping a you know removing a cat's nails well yeah but just putting little caps on them putting little mittens on them like it's always sunny doesn't it do the same thing no because cutting them off is different than putting a little top on it and cutting them off is yeah evil yeah cutting them off is different than putting a little top on it and cutting them off is yeah evil yeah cutting them off you know what it's actually it's actually like when a woman gets stiletto nails like really long like fingernails or like when they when you get your feet your feet binded exactly when ben goes his feet finding sessions that shit is so fucked up I can't believe that happened

it still happens to Ben you guys should see Ben's feet my tiny little feet Ben's feet are baby size 1 you can't see this right now but I am wearing a wife beater xxl gym shorts and uh size two pumps six inch six inch heels barbie shoes literally barbie shoes fit on ben's foot um so i should have picked a different parking lot y'all

that's fine still time You can record while driving Should I start driving? No do not record while driving I could I'm not kidding Do you need a producer in the seat? No because you're not going to be able to pay to start I'm going to start up the car

Do not start the car It's going to be so much noise Please don't start the car I could drive Do not drive do not start the car it's going to be so much noise please don't start the car please don't start the car I could drive do not drive don't drive it's going to suck you're not going to be able to pay attention

do not drive just like when you play video games or whatever you do when we record I never play video games when we record like has a don't go on snippies and you're like Ben stop driving you're too distracted when you drive during the podcast no it's probably a little too dangerous

because I don't have a license this view is really funny should I do a little loop around the parking lot no do not because you have to hold your microphone I can drive with one hand oh my god you read one hand. Oh my god, you fucking idiot. Show that bitch.

Oh my god, Hess is going to freak out. Why could you tell us? Because you can't drive? I can drive. One of us is driving a car. Seems like only one of us is driving currently. Why don't you play driving simulator and calm your ass down

okay i'm gonna park oh god there's a bus boy looking at me hello ben's got two pairs of headphones on recording i look so great a laptop on his dashboard and a wife peter. I'm sweating. I'm really sweaty. Microphone holding up a microphone. While going three miles an hour. You're moving. Stop.

Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. The car's going off. Sorry. A little ASMR moment. My brother would be so mad if he knew I looked like this in his car right now. I'm surprised that he gives you that without a license. I come to town and people are all just like, well, they don't.

I kind of stole this. You're in it. I literally kind of... What happened was, if you really want to know, the deal I had to do to be able to drive this time in Iowa, my brother is very God, there's a car pulling into the parking lot right now. Fuck. You can drive, but you gotta go to conversion therapy.

Okay. I look so insane. I gotta stop looking at cars when they come in. Anyways, my brother's very beautiful. With those pearly blues. Yeah. He looks right into the driver's seat. Staring over my shoulder, looking so scared. You can see through tinted windows with those eyes.

Exactly. At least I am not facing the very active child playground anymore. If a cop comes, y'all, I am on the road. I'm sorry. We will be in a high-speed chase. You are cooked. If they can catch me, okay? Period.

I've been, this past week, I don't know what it is, y'all. I've been feeling like an absolute criminal. I got chased around the Y by a teenager. Why? Who was trying to kick me out because I'm using my mom's pass to get in there to work out. He was trying to kick me out because I'm using my mom's pass to get in there to work out. He was trying to kick you out? Yeah, because it's you know, I'm clearly not a 63 year old woman

and I went in and I scanned really quick and just like sped walk past them with my airpods and like you know, couldn't be bothered. Well, I think they clocked me and one as a gay guy

who is stealing his mom, very obviously stealing his mom's Y-pass. And I was like on the rowing machine and you do not have the Y-pass. The Y community has revoked the Y-pass. You cannot say the Y word no they they literally i'm one of the

biggest enemies and he kept doing these laps around me while i was on the rowing machine and again this is another moment in my life right now where i'm suspiciously looking over my shoulder because i'm scared someone's gonna call the cops on me what if that teenager was circling your car right now also well i got up and then i had to move to another part of the gym so and then i'm imagining me again it was like a scooby-doo chase scene i'm imagining a suburban y as like a very large downtown des moines baby yeah okay it's kind of still a suburban so you were so you're going full it's a city you're going full Benny Hill chase in the middle of Hawaii I wonder

I don't know if Jake and I ever told you about one of the probably the first prank we threw together a pretty formative moment in our friendship when we had a it was so like stupid I forget how it happened And then we had a... It was so, like, stupid.

I forget how it happened. Every part of it worked. Okay, so it started, it was all built around frozen cream pie to the face. That's the finisher. Benny Hill style. And we set it up.

But the idea was, okay, can you set up a cartoon level, like, four-tiered prank where everything keeps happening in succession? A Rube Goldberg prank. A Rube Gold was, okay, can you set up a cartoon level, like four tiered prank where everything keeps happening in succession? A Rube Goldberg prank. Like catching the Scooby Doo. Who's the poor victim of this prank? We cannot say. We cannot say.

She will not be named. Will you tell me after? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's more for their privacy. That's the lawsuit.

Yeah, that's the lawsuit. So they did die the pie was too frozen allegedly they are currently dead the pie was too frozen it slammed their nose and drove it into their brain so okay oh my god it was actually concrete that whipped cream jake sorry so four-tier prank it starts with plastic wrap on the toilet seat tight between the bowl and the seat so that when you sit down

in the dark at really low lighting really low lighting so that when you sit down in the dark you start to pee and you're peeing onto a layer of plastic wrap classic prank I was really hoping that she would poop. I was really hoping that she would poop. Yeah, Ben was really hoping that she would poop.

I remember being like, are you hungry? Do you want some food? Do you want dessert? Welcome, have some food! Should we have a little coffee right now? Yeah, do you want some coffee? Do you want a bump of Coke? Do you want any lactic?

Do you want a skinny mode?? Do you want to relax? Do you want to work week to skinny mode? We're eating burgers and doing coke. So then... So then... You're going to join us? Drinking coffee. Vodka Red Bull? We had a Bluetooth speaker in the bathtub.

Hidden. Out of sight. No, it was underneath the toilet. Yes, you're right. It was underneath the toilet. So the noise're right. It was underneath the toilet. So the noise would come right behind you while you're preferably shitting. The second that we heard that she was using the toilet

and the first plank was starting to work, we hit play on the Benny Hill song as loud as it could go. I encourage Jake to make an edit. We've got to find this edit if we can. I was like, Jake, you need to do a five second horror

movie scream that fades into the Benny Hill song. It was a woman's scream that then waits like three beats. Like Death Whale. Ideally at this point, you literally can't get the poop out of your body because

there's a layer of saran wrap so naturally you like throw your pants on and try to run out the room and then right on the outside of the door frame you throw your pants so naturally as anyone would do in this situation you run out the the room. Right outside the doorframe, we had done the thing where you put the wall of invisible tape in the doorway. So you run into like 10 pieces of tape and you get wrapped up and then right past the bathroom

with soapy water on the floor. and then right past the bathroom with soapy water on the floor. It's so funny to imagine all of this is literally within, this is a New York City bathroom. This is all this optional course. It's all condensed into like three feet. And so then right as she,

as she hit the tape and started to slip, I pop out from the kitchen and hit her in the face with a pie. And the cream pie, and Jake insisted we put it in the freezer, and I was like, I don't think it needs to be in the freezer. So it was frozen

at Jake's insistence. I really don't, I really feel like part of it is that it's supposed to kind of explode, not just hit you in the and so she fell to the floor into the soapy water that she had slipped on that was such a good one that one was just that one it's like so much worse than like uh like frat hazing ritual like where guys die that i would rather have to drink i'd rather have to do a cake stand for 45

minutes and have that happen to me that was the best april fool's day ever oh my god that was an amazing one that was a really good one i can't wait to hear who it was oh you're gonna um yeah we'll be telling you um yeah no good pranks as of late i mean we did the whole april fool's coverage so we don't really need to get back into pranks well i have a not really a prank but on the on the construction site today i kind of like i came up with kind of a lie to tell red my assistant kind of just a little joke to get him with but then i ended up he kind of was this a lie or a joke you know like a like a lie a lie joke he was talking about how huskies are so smart and we were like

yeah they can open doors because he wants a husky and then I you're talking about fat kids? huskies 8 year olds they can open doors they're so smart they can open doors

we're talking about a like a little like they know what i'm saying when i talk to them they know what i'm saying when i know what i'm saying so um and so i just instinctively said yeah they can count the amount of jelly beans in a jar and he was like really and i was like i can convince him that oski can count the amount of jelly beans in a jar. And he was like, really? And I was like, I can convince him that a husky can count the amount of jelly beans in a jar. And then I didn't realize that he had kind of already talked about this with the construction crew,

which is that he wanted a husky. And so then he calls the construction team over. How would they communicate this? And so suddenly there's like eight, like Ecuadorian guys in the bar that are all talking about like, wow, Oz, you can count the amount of jelly beans in a bowl. Also you telling them that. Yes.

You're like, you're so like the town oracle to them. Mr. Lady has slayed again. Mr. Lady. Mr. Lady is knowing so much about dogs. She's saying dogs can't count jelly beans man mr lady how'd you know mr lady i want to hang out on the

I've been doing construction You should just come hang out with those Ecuadorian guys You should try to just like slip in Unnoticed and just start like doing the wall with them And see I think I'm a little too white for that one I can get you a little tan Yeah I'll get tan

I'm getting kind of tan out here I've been doing Working on decks with my brother you're such a coastal elitist do you remember this when I texted Jake I was like oh yeah I was working on decks with my brother today and Jake's like what are you doing like a business plan I thought Ben was working on a pitch deck with his brother

like starting a business and he meant that the two of them were building a patio no we're like sanding and staining a deck right now. I was like, where are you pitching? Where are you pitching to? I thought he was playing Magic the Gathering with his brother. We're putting together a deck.

I don't even know how that one ties in. Is our decks involved in that? We're putting together a life drain deck. Yeah, decks of cards. Oh, deck of cards. Yes. Drama. Drama. Drama. oh deck of cards yes drama um drama um no the business the business like shit out here is crazy y'all like you can you can start the most like choogy ass millennial bullshit place. I know. And it's going to

last for like 10 years on trend. And you can charge like New York prices for shit. I'm not even kidding. Literally, Des Moines is my backup plan. There are like four bars that I love to go to that sell like $17 cocktails. And I love it. If I ever get ampuked, I'm going to Des Moines

and starting. Let's start a business here, Jakeake i know the market if we started like des moines first like i guess it's laundromat there's a skateboarder with his wife and a dog go say hi and a jar of jelly beans on his dashboard and the dog is a husky this is so humiliating. It's better than recording with a baby next to me, though.

That would feel way worse, to be honest. Being that horny while you're recording. Ew. Ew. Gross. I'm telling Tucker. I'm telling Tucker I'm telling Tucker I'm gonna tell Tucker

what you said Carlson live Tucker reaction live Tucker speaking of Tucker and like hating trans women the Bud Light shit is still going on and it's hilarious i was like you know on my way to iowa i was like okay this is time for me

to you know really check the pulse of middle america and see if anyone actually gives a shit about Bud Light being gay. And a friend of mine, a close friend of mine works at this bar in the suburbs. And it is frequented by, you know, these people. Well, I don't want to be mean to the clientele because she does like a lot of them. But they are conservative and kind of ready-faced, you know, beefy. They're big people, folks. Americans. And she was telling me that Bud Light sales have dropped 50%.

Yeah, that's kind of the immediate thing that I wanted. Which is the gayest thing you could do. That's so funny. It's like the lamest thing you could do is be like I'm not drinking Bud Light anymore it's like what the fuck are you talking about

aren't you supposed to be a man so get this straight for me is she on the can no no they made one

commemorative can they made a commemorative can to celebrate her full year as a woman I think that was their mistake they should like having her in an ad would not have been a problem sales wise to celebrate her full year as a woman. I think that that was their mistake. Yeah.

Having her in an ad would not have been a problem sales-wise. It would have just given them the bump from like gays buying it. Exactly. But making one commemorative can

and then that got memed on Facebook and all these boomers were like, they're putting her on the can. She's on the can. And they all freaked out. I guess they kind of wanted that. She looked busted on that can. She's on the can. And they all freaked out. I guess they kind of wanted that. She looked busted on that can. She looked busted as hell in that one.

Like some of these ad campaigns, she looks fine. But she looked busted in that one. She looked good. I mean, we've talked about it a little bit. But the fallout of it is, like, hilarious. Did you see? Okay, there's a video of this guy going around some grocery store that sells beer right in ohio or iowa or one of these you know

horrible places and um he's carrying around well he pretends to be a distributor right i think this man is fully lying he pretends to be a distributor and he's like he's like i can't feed my family anymore no one's buying bud light i don't even i don't even have to come to this store anymore it's basically wiped off my route because no one's buying bud light first of all that's not how distribution works you are selling you're selling multiple beer labels but you're also selling multiple beer labels. You're also selling multiple beer labels, right? You're not just selling Bud Light. There's not just one Bud Light guy. Yeah. It's a company that

has different brands. Yes. Well, sometimes you do work with this one, but the funniest part about this is that he's carrying So it's more. It's like, yeah. It's not just one Anheuser-Busch brand. No. Yes. The funniest part about this video, though, is that he's carrying around a piece of cardboard

that he's pretending is a clipboard. You can see it. He has it in the video, just the tip of it. And you can see him kind of pretend to look at it, reference numbers, and be like, I can't feed my family, blah, blah, blah. And then it comes into frame three or or four times and it's like okay that is a piece of cardboard that he ripped

up to look like a square but you can see the ridges in it and it's very clearly a piece of cardboard and I'm like imagine seeing a guy do that I showed you the picture all of the receipts for the construction work that I've had done in the last like two months have been slabs of drywall

with marker writing on them. Oh yeah, that's common. I have a stack of six of them in my basement as receipts for payment of six figures. That's what you call paperwork in the global south. Yeah. Yeah. My, well, I don't know if I really want to,

my cabin in Costa Rica is starting to be built, but they are looking bad. Okay. I saw that picture. Looking pretty bad. I got some guys I can send over there. They're going to be fixed up. And you know what? Even if it's just a literal shack in the jungle, y'all bitches don't have one.

You're gonna get AIDS from a mosquito. I am not. That doesn't happen anymore. You're gonna leave New York and get AIDS from a mosquito. That does not... If I'm getting HIV, it's happening in New York City. Okay, first of all. I'm not letting it happen anywhere else.

Paused up cum dump. No loads refused. Get it before you leave to get it out of the way goodbye New York no I had mono and that was bad enough y'all it felt like it

there were moments there where I was on death's door you know kind of laying there and be in like you know kind of catastrophizing what if i was dying i feel like i'm dying of a sexual disease that's the kissing disease a sexual disease no one's helping me instead you had a third grade girl kissing disease yeah yeah should have never kissed that baby like i've been saying um yeah i don't know i mean the bud light stuff is hilarious um i saw mr wonderful say that i saw this clip of him because i follow a lot of uh kevin o'leary channels because

you know we all love him um i saw him say that this is one of the worst marketing mistakes of all time and that the whole marketing team um and the head of marketing should be fired um if not make a giant public apology for the amount of money they have lost public apology that's such a funny way to yeah that's such a funny way to skirt the like issue everyone in america I'm so sorry that I lost Bud Light so much money. It's insane. I saw there was a...

But it was planned, right? It was absolutely planned. It's probably worse than they thought it'd be, I would imagine, because it seems like they are losing money per Mr. Wonderful. Of course, I don't know um i do trust him um but i think they definitely thought that there was going to be fallout but it would kind of be beneficial in the long run for the um free you know publicity maybe they miscalculated i think that probably has to do with the fact that

i think long game, it's probably gonna probably fine. I think we'll probably like level out. What they should have done, Bud Light, if they wanted to get a bunch of gay people to drink their products, like Kim Petras.

Well, no, they should have just made all gay beer. They should have just made a seltzer. they could have just they should have just made like a seltzer they should have made like a low like a mid seltzer they already have seltzer well then they should have

made the seltzer gay they went too close to home they went too close to home they need to go to a tertiary new gen product because you go Bud Light that's people's you know

that's like their peepees and their poo-poos drank that back in the day. I want to see what their numbers were like in the months leading up to this. Because I have a feeling that Bud Light's been going down. Because you don't see Bud Light anywhere. I see it places.

Maybe they were ready to bite the bullet. Maybe they knew that their product was failing and they want to blame it on Bill Mulvaney. Yeah, I think they wanted to go they committed brand suicide yeah typical tip they went kamikaze laughing at her flying a plane their stock looks fine it doesn't like a pilot their stock has been going up it's like... All women pilots are kamikazes accidentally. They end up being...

It went down like less than a dollar per share. I saw. Compared to March 31st. Well, what's a share? A share is $65.97 right now. It used to be $ to be 66 73 i don't really know they're fine they're gonna be fine i don't even think anyone's gonna lose their job over this

like it's planned yeah my friend who works at this bar i asked about it i wanted to kind of do a little interview with her about it but i feel like it's this news is getting a little too stale and um you know whatever but um i did ask her i was like okay what like what is the actual conversation like like what do the guys say because these this is like a regulars bar like these are men who go there every day and drink for like six hours you know and a lot of them were bud light drinkers they would get like pictures of this stuff and she was like yeah they would just be like oh we're not you know we're not down with gay stuff you know whatever like okay trans kids but there was one guy where she like i guess he was maybe a soft heart in the room who would he switched to miller light or miller highlight for something and she was like do you really care about this?

Why does this matter at all? And she was like, it's kind of day of you to care. And then, you know what he did? Went back to Bud Light. And he's probably going to be dragged behind a truck or something soon enough

by the rest of them. So, I feel like they just it doesn't i mean it's all just a stupid marketing move but they if they had just gone with like kim petras it would have been no there would be no blowback yeah i do think i would have stopped is power i think she's powerfully annoying you know i think she is incredibly incredibly annoying um know, no hate to her. Some people just love theater, and that's their cross to bear. Some people just love theater. That's on them.

Some people just love drama. Yeah, no. How about Coachella? There's a guy selling a can of Bud Light on Facebook Marketplace. Pre-gay beer. He called it pre-gay beer. He's selling the can for $45.

Poor. Pretty genius. Yeah, what about Coachella? Coachella seemed kind of cool. I would never go to that shit. Me neither. I would never go to a... Like, festivals seem like such a nightmare.

It seems absolutely miserable, and I'll go one further. I'll never go to L.A. Really? Never. I would go to L.A. I would go to L I'll never go to LA really? I would go to LA I will tell a gay guy like I've never been to LA you've never been? oh god I got a notification

my phone fell you've had so much fun no I've never been and I tell gay guys I tell gay guys I've never been and I tell gay guys I've never been to LA and they're like oh my god you've never been to LA and I'm like no

why would I go to LA and then after that if it's the kind of gay guy who gets mad about not going to LA you know my other my one two punch I've never watched Sex and the City oh my god! Why do you live in New York?

Someone's literally said that to me. You're snapping your finger and they're falling down dead in front of you? Yeah. Literally. They're exploding. The Kill Bill scene, but instead of me stabbing everyone, I'm just like, I've never been to LA. Ben, hold on.

There's someone looking in through your back window. There is? That's so creepy. No, there is not. They're gone. Stop. I hate you guys. They're gone. They ducked.

I'm going to throw my car in reverse. Oh, they're back. They're back. They're right there. On the side. I'm gonna throw my car in reverse oh they're back they're back they're back they're right there on the side shut up they're gone

I'm gonna check god I'd be so I'm shocked I'm shocked I'm making it this long honestly we should post a video of this episode so people can see how fucked up I look right now

screenshot of what you look like right now so I Coachella was just a couple days ago but there's a couple vlogs up apparently Frank Ocean sucks shit I've never liked Frank Ocean he seems like such a whiny bitch. I liked him in high school.

I liked him in high school. I don't really care if he lives or dies now. You don't care if he lives or dies? Whoa. Damn. Okay. Well, apparently what I saw is that he changed. He wanted his set to be a giant um ice skating rink

um and then it changed um the idea like a day before it was like i don't want to do the ice skating rink anymore and all of the like stagehands and you know whatever the people were mad why do you think he just forgot that he didn't know how to ice skate and thought it would be easier than it would be? So he got on there and couldn't ice skate. He seems like a temperamental gay guy. We all know what that's like, working with those.

I would think that'd be an easy change because they can just kind of, you know, let it melt. Yeah. It's hot out there. They can just say, okay. Yeah, but then it's a school. So then his set ring you got it his set sucked apparently well it was delayed by two hours oh i see and then it was so late that they um had to cut they were like they give to cut off at midnight because according to ren

every minute that a thousand dollars a thousand dollars yeah past one though i thought no past midnight oh god there's a giant truck pulling in here. He's coming to murder me. Oh, my God, I swatted you. That's the truck I called. Dropping location at 91-31-27. Stop. Well, I heard him say that the performance was bad

because he sprained his ankle the day before. So funny. Well, he has to do it again this weekend. Yeah, that's like. Coachella. You have to do it twice. Sorry, guys, I sprained my ankle. Yeah.

But he's supposed to come back next week. Yeah, everybody, that's Coachella. Oh my God, I wonder if his ankle is going to be okay. Get him to the best doctor in the world. Who else performed? Well, so I was watching the Gaga 2017 headlining show. Insane. She opens in a Nazi uniform performing Scheib.

No, she does not. Yes. Look at Slay Report. I posted it. She was wearing a Nazi uniform? She's wearing a Nazi uniform and she hiles to the crowd during her only German song. Oh, the German song where she's not even speaking German. It's just like Simlish German.

Ich bin überstehen. Like that. Whoa. Do people just forget about that? I don't think anyone ever saw it somehow. Even though if you look at the video, if you watch the video, they cut to crowd shots. 17 17 and the crowd is so big the crowd is so big it looks like coral it looks like a

shot of like undersea it's crazy wait i okay i need to see this i don't believe you because that's like post Trump everyone was freaking out so it's like Shia's Gaga 2017 Coachella I'm checking the Slate report you can also just watch the Coachella it's the first five minutes of the show oh my god what the fuck it's real really

she's wearing a German outfit it's a literal Nazi uniform it's iconic I wonder what she but the thing is she also say she was in she's like 2017 she's deep into she's deep into her like brain rot era so the rest of the show was pretty terrible like she was not doing her like big statement the whole show except for this that was the coolest part. I loved the opening.

That was old Gaga. That was like, that was Monster Ball right there. Oh my God. Damn, Gaga. She's crazy. I'm a slut. I'm a whore.

In my leather. That was cool. Who else performed this year? Well, then we watched the Ariana year, which was was cool she brought justin uh about drake 2019 what about drake 2015 i don't really care about that what about drake 2015 you don't care about that um do you like drake essa you're a big drake fan no i think drake is so funny right now i don't know why but i'm like he's hilarious yeah it's just so funny the corniest people ever yeah it's so funny to talk about drake in my mind wait what's this other picture of gaga on slayer port which one there's a lot her is that gaga gaga finn she has a um bowl of almonds

on her head oh that's not gaga who is it um that Gaga who is it that's just a lot of lyrics oh my god okay so this I'm trying to think this year I hate Rosalia she's so annoying okay so Ren and I watched this vlog

of this YouTuber who's the first person to get her Coachella review up on YouTube and she vlogged the whole thing and like all the Ubers to get from stage to stage from like area to area and like after party after party were 250 and you had to cut a deal with the driver where you had to be like he would be like i'll bring you right to the front i'll bring you right to the front 200 like 300 and they go 250 and they go okay okay good for those drivers. I know. I would fly out there just to be a driver.

Just to Uber drive. But so anyway, she was talking about going to this nylon party, and they got there too late because they missed the Blackpink performance. Then they got to this nylon party, and the bar ended at 1.30, so they couldn't get a drink. But the Cheetos room was still active which is a room where you can we walk in and two pairs of hands on the wall hand like through the wall hand you cheetos what the fuck like a glory hole i think they're big hands though i think

they're like very big hands oh so it's not like real person's hands i don't think so i didn't see a picture of it though but anyway i really like hearing all of the descriptions of like the brand activation it seems absolutely miserable out there seems so cool you can rent a villa and you can have shoes delivered shoes like they have like they have like boutiques they have like shops that set up sounds like you might like it i know i'm starting to love you might love to get some shoes delivered if you're in your like 15k like like little villa rental you and the girls 15k yeah i mean a couple bedrooms but yeah absolutely like a couple bedrooms, but yeah, absolutely. Oh, my God. A couple bedrooms, my God.

You can get your... If you're missing something in your outfit, you can have it delivered from one of the boutiques, and they will drive it over to you on a golf cart. Do you see these old-ass people walking in? Look at three walkers in the parking lot right now. Oh, my God. For the people at home, there are three old people and Ben's

filming them with his microphone. I'm filming them with a mic. You're talking into a mic. They're so old. Ben, the guy's back. The guy's back. Oh my god. He's back. POV, you see some old people. God, my phone is overheating.

This is insane. This is one of the more retarded setups I've ever had to record. How much battery does it have left? We're slaying. 30%. Okay, we're good. We have 20 minutes. We'll be good.

You know what? Sorry, listener. If my phone blows up, these two are going to have to handle the rest of it. I'm so sorry. You will never catch me at coachella i don't fucking care man okay how about this how about this would you go to burning man that's so much worse that's so much worse than coachella i would go to i would go to burning man because it does seem precisely so much more worse that it would be okay like i'd I'd go like, um, I'd go journalistically. Yeah, me too.

So I'd be the Joan Diddy and a burning man. I was doing some research on burning man. Slouching towards burning man. And I didn't realize that burning man does not, is not an organization that books musicians or stages or anything like that. All they do is like kind of like organize. No, that's the whole point of it. All they do is kind of organize. No, that's the whole point of it. People just go there and erect everything themselves. There's no lineup.

It's just like whoever comes to play or sets up their own stage in the desert. That's so cool. It's so stupid. It's like going to House of Yes, but in 105 degree desert. Yeah, for a week. Jake, would you want to go? We should go.

Can we cover it? Yeah, we should go and cover it and we should do full steampunk outfits. We should really, really do it. Oh my god. Yes, we could get someone to clothe us. We could get a steampunk. I know a guy.

I know a guy. We could stop by Kansas City on the way. Believe me, I know a steampunk. One of the best steampunks. Oh my god. I'll tell you this. He's really sexy. Oh my god. He lives in New Orleans. Does he listen

to the pod? He does not listen. No, he does not listen. I don't think he uses the internet. Well, I know he does. He uses the internet, but not like in the way we do. He uses the steam-powered internet. He's using a different kind of internet. It's powered by a steam engine in his backyard. Like a steam locomotive.

It's a big balloon he jumps on. To get one post, he has to jump 17 times on the balloon. It's like a fireplace billow that he steps on over and over again. No, he's really sexy. He practices chaos magic. I used to have a huge crush on him. And we're friends. He would outfit us for...

That would be so cool. Burning Man. And the best thing about these people, you don't need to pay them. You just need to give them a handful of walnuts or something. They love bartering. Give them a gear. A big brass gear.

Yeah, give them a big gear pull something off your car yeah yeah literally i'll yeah literally steal a catalytic converter that's probably what these people think i'm planning to do give him a nokia cell phone and blow his mind ask interview him interview him no roll open the window and be like sir hello do you want to see him oh my god

he's so fat he's steeping because he doesn't know about technology did you see him did you see him big boy did you see him

did you see him ask him yeah no ask him what hey hey be like hi can I interview you for my podcast

do you want to be on my podcast do you want to talk to these two trans women get in my podcast? You want to be on my podcast? You want to talk to these two trans women? Get in my car. Get in my car. Sir? Can I talk to you? Should we drive?

No, do not drive. One more lap. Do not drive. Hey, we could do more than one lap, y'all. If I move my phone off the console, Do not drive. Hey, we could do more than one lap, y'all. No, do not drive. Donuts, do donuts. If I move my phone off the console, I kind of have a cop set up right now. It just occurred to me.

You know, they have laptops. Yeah. Do donuts. I would absolutely end up... Don't drive. Please don't drive. Donuts. I have to say, the more you say don't drive,

the more I want to drive. No. Man, we could end up with a little tour around the town. What else is going on? I would love a tour. Well, wait, Jake. Jake, you should come to Des Moines. You should come to Des Moines.

It's so fun. I love it here. I would love to. I mean, I'm going for the... And we can scope out property. I'm going with you soon, right? For the thing in... The wedding, maybe. I don't know. She's being kind of a bridezilla.

She wasn't listening. I can see that. So we should bring a couple more. She's like, oh, I only want people I know to come to the wedding. And I'm like, oh. Sounds convenient. But I know her. I met her. Maybe I can introduce you before the wedding. Yeah, introduce me.

We'll find a way to do it that is inconspicuous yeah I'll come visit but also it's like if people come what are you going to tell them they can't get in 10 of my closest friends come

say this is my boyfriend this is my boyfriend Hessa I'm officiating a wedding period any work on my wedding Are you planning a wedding, Ben? I'm officiating a wedding. Period. Any work on my wedding? Oh, with the Just Cause Tuesday. Any updates on my wedding in Just Cause 2?

Oh my god. I don't understand this at all. I don't know what that shit is. Ben, you would love Just Cause 2. Yeah, you would be obsessed. It's so fun. Yeah, absolutely. Why? The best parts of Fortnite. You can set up situations

I have the DS you can prank people it's a switch oh it's a switch sorry I was so I was playing that in the airport and I was so humiliated it was one of the

most humiliating things I've ever done in my life. I'm like, why can't I just sit here? What if like a hot... Why do I need to play Fortnite right now? What if the hottest guy you've ever seen walked up and was like, ew. And you were like, yes, loser. Yes, Gold Gun. Victory for you.

It was... It's so humiliating. Victory for you. Yes, victory for you. Victory for you. It's so humiliating Double kill Hey there Oh god no No it's not I can't do that in public anymore You know I used to have this rule

You know to kind of Force myself to behave well Which was you should pretend like a hot person is watching you at all times and i've given up on that unfortunately it works it's kind of a it's kind of hacking the gay brain um in a christian way because like the hot person is just god god watches you all the time god is the hot person that's always watching you exactly um but i feel like if you do that at all times you're filling up another part of your brain with like a balloon until it pops yeah what part of your brain you're gonna kill the part of my

brain that behaves and is no the part of the brain down ass up the part of your brain that needs to get a victory royale yeah the part of your brain that needs to get a victory royale. Yeah, the part of your brain that like, yeah. And eventually you're going to start seeing Fortnite in real life. It's going to start projecting. I did give up on this practice. I don't do it anymore. But just for any of the listeners out there, pretend that a hot person

is watching you at all times and see how your life may change for the better. Oh god, there's a fucking minivan pulling in here i got it this is too much no do not park next to me oh my god please please park next to me right now i would kill myself you should go to like a mcdonald's parking lot there i was gonna be at a mcdonald's parking lot you should go to one yeah you should go to the drive-thru. You should go to the drive-thru. Can you order something? Should we do a drive-thru?

Yeah, let's do a drive-thru. No. Drive-thru has a... You can order. You can order. I'll put the feed through the Bluetooth speakers on the car

and you guys can order. I'm zempied up. I don't want any... I did it earlier, bitch. I figured it out earlier. Do it. Do it. Do it.

A zempic update. A zempic update! A zempic... I started it. I started it earlier, bitch. I figured it out earlier. Do it. Ozempic update. Ozempic update. I started it. Hessa's getting even skinnier. What's the update? It gives me really bad acid reflux. Oh, that's terrible. Thanks to you.

Yeah. Really? Sometimes it stops me from being able to sleep because I can't sleep on my right side anymore because it gives me really bad you bitches need to stop doing this you're gonna have organ failure well Jake you were telling me

that I have to double the dose but do I have to double it? Can I go up by a little bit? No, you're at the smallest increment. I don't think you need to double it if it's already giving you acid reflux and you can't sleep.

You could. Why are you taking Jake's advice? No offense, Jake. But Jake is not a medical doctor. Dr. Sillin. Dr. Sillin Dr. Silly Dr. Jake I think you should both stop

if anyone ever wanted to take Hessa out I could just text her okay now it's time for you to quadruple the dose just so you know

so just so you know on the schedule it's about your time to quadruple so just make sure to do it today. It's really important. You cannot go cold turkey. Hessa's funeral would be so funny if she died of an ozempic overdose.

It would be so sad. One of the fattest things that a human has ever done. She took seven times the recommended dose of ozempic everyone brings frozen grapes it's finally skinny but i guess she died it's a twilight zone episode like yeah she skinny. No, I'm telling y'all. I feel like once you stop Bosempic, all the weight's going to come back.

Okay. And? I guess. Checkmate, I guess. So don't stop. Yeah. You can't do it forever, though. Can you? Why can't do it forever, though. Can you?

Why can't you? I mean, I was like, I think you can only do it for like six months at a time. No, you can do whatever you want. Wait, really? You can only do it for six months at a time?

I think you can only do it for six months at a time. You make shit up. I don't know, Ben. Dr. Ben. I'm starting to think I should maybe shouldn't take Jake's advice.

For the record, I have never claimed to be a medical doctor. Jake, feel like saying the same? No? Okay. No, I'll claim it. Who needs medical advice? We should do a medical advice call-in show. I claim to be a medical doctor and I'm giving you advice.

I claim to be a medical doctor and I give you advice. No, I'm never going to touch a Zempik. Look, I feel like if you want to be skinny, there's one way to do it. There's two ways to be skinny. Genetics or pain and suffering. Anything outside of that. Well, I'm still doing... You're fucking with the laws of nature. Anything outside of that and you will have call repercussion you could not even foresee wouldn't you call resorting to an

expensive injection pain and suffering no yeah it's also not that expensive compared comparatively compared to being look pain and suffering if you compare it to 12 donuts a day it's certainly not that uh i'm saving money compare it to um a couple calzones every afternoon it was only like a hundred like 120 bucks or something right a month oh god a month sorry well that's nothing but that's like that's less than like getting it prescribed which is like oh yeah i still pay for i still go to Equinox. I'm still doing pain and suffering because I do Pilates twice a week and yoga once a week.

I have found out the, like the skinniest, like daily meal on Ozempic, which is also happens to be keto, which is basically. Oh God, there's going to be so many falling ways in this. I'm so sorry, listeners. Ben just fell. I did not fall. My phone fell. Ben just fell. Ben fell from a sitting position in his front seat.

He fell. He keeled over like a bug. Yeah. Ben slammed his head on the wheel, and the airbag went off, and he fell. Ben is getting into the fetal position in the back seat because he saw another fat guy walking a dog.

How do you... My skinny meal. Oh, the skinny meal. Oh, I haven't weighed myself. Okay, you do one... Oh my god, Ben just fell again. Keep going, keep going. Keep going, I did not fall.

You do kind of like a fatty Proteiny salad And then a berry smoothie And then you do a berry smoothie With almond milk And sugar Sugar spike Okay Berries and a salad with a lot of chicken in it

Sorry, a fatty You're eating like a pork belly and then a smoothie? No, like avocado. Like avocado and like... Oh, I thought you said a fatty meat. No, no, like a salad but you can put like chicken or maybe even a little bacon or something. I actually haven't eaten meat in like a week.

I don't think. You get a salad... All bitches are stressful. And then a little burn smoothie. I'm stressful. You're the one who's like time to drive.

You're the one who keeps falling. Without a license while recording a podcast. Yeah. Am I injecting reconstituted materials into my body? Yeah.

I don't think so. And I'm not talking about estrogen before either of you say try to call me transphobic. You're being so transphobic no no I qualified I qualified oh what my estrogen reconstituted

what the hell does reconstituted materials mean um aren't you mixing the ozempic with biochemical water or some shit yeah exactly you don't want to share that part huh broke um well I'm not gonna pay full price Yeah, exactly. You don't want to share that part, huh? Broke. I'm not going to pay for it.

That's like buying a finished Lego set. What? Rainwoman. It's not at all like buying a finished Lego set. That's like paying for Ikea furniture to be built for you. You're so crazy. That's like buying a finished Lego set. That's like buying a car that's completely intact.

You can't argue with that logic. That's like buying a car that drives. That's like buying a car with a wheel. I didn't have to build myself. Suck on that. Suck on that suck on that oh yay yay what are you guys

gonna do tonight tonight I'm going to I'm getting dinner with my friend Natalie Jake I'm gonna go to Joe's with the Frost Children

oh I love Joe's I follow them on Instagram their Instagram's really good I love following businesses on Instagram. Me too. Like Super Pollo. I know that's going to be one of the most cocked sentences of all time. I love following a small business.

Yeah. Yeah, they're great. They're really good. Super Pollo is so good. I guess we have a small business Instagram. We have a main page. You guys should follow SeekingDurangers on Instagram. Yeah, you should tell me the

password again but yeah i would love if you started adminning it with me um yeah jock is not being given the password because he posts too many things to get banned yeah he doesn't really understand the rules of instagram which is incredibly they're very censorious um but yeah wait did you guys see that video of uh congressman womack whatever the fuck his name is i don't know but he was in a congressional office with a little boy and he was showing the little boy a trap door in the floor yeah Yeah, that was cool. That's child-sized? Yes. Has to go to the Seeking Deregions Twitter page.

You'll see it. It was a couple videos down. The caption was like, he asked why... Go find it and read the caption for you. It's really funny. He asked what happens

in case of emergency and the congressman showed him the emergency escape plan. But it's like a cellar. Yeah, it's creepy looking. It's literally a child-sized hole that leads in the same way that like... It's like a cellar yeah it's literally a child sized hole and it's finished in the same way that like it's like

plywood yeah no it looks like one horny congressman made this DIY project yeah it's like a dungeon child like yeah yeah yeah um I just I would love to show that to like a QAnon person

because that would like that photo that would just blow up their brain. I'm sure they've already sharing that video and stuff. Wait, what is this? We have a cameo. We well, it's not cameo. It's we did it for free. A listener asked us if we would make a send her sister a video for Mother's Day. And so I got on with Jock and made a video

in which he did threaten her. Wait, why wasn't I invited? They don't care about me? No, they wanted you to come on, but I figured you were busy. You also don't like doing videos. So I was like, yeah, I'm not going to bother. I would have done it.

Well, I'll ask you next time that happens. But we're not doing it for free again, y'all. Okay? I sent her a 10-minute video in which I pranked Jock and I almost got Jock to send his poop to the White House. McDonald's grave in Lafayette, Louisiana. The McDonald's grave in Lafayette.

I love the McDonald's grave. Lafayette. I visit the McDonald's grave every time I go to Lafayette, Louisiana. I love the McDonald's grave every time I go to Lafayette, Louisiana I love the McDonald's grave cramp briere cramp briere he worked at McDonald's his whole life

he loved McDonald's they put the golden arches on his gravestone you and your boyfriend I would love I bet cramp briere was hot yeah I love that it's Pierre but it's spelled with a B I would absolutely I bet cramp Briere was hot. Yeah. I love that it's Pierre but it's spelled with a B like he's a blood.

It's like a French blood. Briere. There was a famous Buffalo Sabres player named Briere. Period. No I almost got Jock to send his poop to the White House. Did you hear that Hessa? I feel like you missed that that little

one there what happened um so the woman who sent in a request for a cameo loved the poop uh quiz episode that we did where we jake we um found a company that was soliciting people to send in samples of their stool so they could test it um and they had a very extensive form you know about your diet exercise XYZ they pay you $800 per sample and so I made Jock fill out this questionnaire

of course all of the answers were incredibly fucked up about what he eats on a daily basis and in no way would they be interested in his stool sometimes you need an outlier exactly sometimes in science from what i've learned about science and the scientific field in being a medical doctor being a medical doctor sometimes in

in our research we like an outlier exactly and so i was like to be pretty extreme i was like okay this woman loves a poop quiz episode. How do I work that into a prank? Which, you know, we have really loved doing as of late. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to tell Jock that I got an email back and they are interested in his poop and they want a sample. And I was like, the full video of me doing this to him is on the Twitter, but I was like, you need to send it, and you need to send it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,

Washington, D.C. Well, the real prank is come up with a specific diet that he needs to follow for a week. Oh, that would have been good. Yeah. Yeah, if I did a week-long prank to him, he would stop being friends with me. Yeah. He would literally be so's if I did a week long prank to him, he would stop being friends with me. Yeah.

He would literally be so mad if I did it. It would be hilarious though. Um, what do we say? Should we call it y'all? I know you have dinner. Yeah, I think,

I think we should call it Jake. Do you have any plugs? I need plugs. Um, Nope. Not right now. Period. Um, my phone, let's see.

Final check, 17%. We did it, ladies. We did it. Take a pic. Yep. Hi! Okay. We can make that the cover art.

All right. Bye, everyone. Thank you for listening. Bye. Bye. Oh, wait a sun, wait a sun Oh, wait a sun, wait a sun Oh, wait a sun, wait a sun Oh, wait a sun We'll be right back. Thank you.