Seeking Derangements - SD 226 - If Your Man is Listening He is GAY

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

Does your man put his phone on DND? HES GAY. Is your man excited to see his boys? SUS. Does your man suggest you split entree's? GAY ASS HELL. Nowadays it seems like men cant do anything without being called gay. Join us as we take a deep dive into the 184 pt. list of "Things Masculine Men Can't Do (According to Social Media)" This is the first installment.

All right. Pesa, let me know when you're ready for a countdown. Jock, get your audacity up. My audacity is up. Oh, sorry. You're dabbing. Okay. Thank you.

Can you just make sure that you're recording on your microphone this time? It's coming from my Scarlet, yes. Okay. Thank you. Is that message just to Ben, or did I need to make sure something? Oh, no. You're probably fine. So it's good to check your own voice.

We welcome you're probably fine. So it's good to check your own voice. Somebody pulled the switch That turned the sunshine on in my life Now I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of girl Life can be so nice Go. Hello and welcome everyone. We are all three here. We have a jock, of course.

We're here today with a bit of what I would call a special episode. I recently came across a tweet. We've all seen these tweets. We all love these tweets. It's one of the reasons why Twitter is still funny. And something that, personally for me, will never be hacked. I love

this way of thinking. I love this logic. It's really infected the way I think. And I think the same is true for many of you out there. I am talking, of course, about a recent tweet that said, if your man puts his phone i do not disturb he's gay that's fact i i that's the fact i that's the first one i've heard i haven't cheated and read the list and that is a 100 true that led me down because of course as you do with one of these amazing kernels of truth you go to see what the naysayers are saying the quote tweets a lot of

men saying i can choose to put my phone on do not disturb my me thinks the man doth protest too much me agreeeth and and also also episode in Shakespeare. Really quick. The same kind of guy that is gay secretly and putting his phone on do not disturb is the same guy that doesn't eat pussy. So ladies, if your guy puts on do not disturb

and doesn't eat pussy, it's clear what's going on here. Eating pussy is very famously that's very famously a fruity thing to do as as discussed in the sopranos well look look we are gonna get to it i'm so angry all right this is gonna be where did the poor tweets lead me to a very angry king um who for it seems almost a year has been cataloging every single thing that makes you gay if you're a man

while doing it. He has a running list of about 182 entries of things that Scott Twitter says make you gay. So this isn't stuff he's made this is

him observing this is him observing he does he hates when people say this he is but he cataloged the list of it and put it online pretty pretty it's something of a nuisance to him he's annoyed um that he has to keep this up um he's like oh we and we got another one and he screen records himself going from the tweet into the notes app to his notes to his comprehensive list of things and this list is titled things masculine men aren't allowed to do according to social media. So let's get right into it because I do want to go through each and every one of these guys. I'm going to be asking you for each one. If you have done this

and I'm going to keep a running tally. And at the end of the episode, not only are we going to hear a definitive list of what makes you gay, but we are also going to hear who's the gayest. Three of us is the gayest. So Ben, I think it is probably going to be me. I'm going to be honest.

If you're a man eating cucumber sandwiches on the reg, yeah. Wait, also, one thing, Ben and Hessa, by the end of the episode, I would like you to think of your own reason how to spot a gay. Yes.

That's not on the list, so keep that in mind. I'm going to try to think of something as well. Let's get started. Yes, Dr. Doctor. We've got quite a few of them. Thank you, Tesla. Oh my. Because we've got quite a few of them. Thank you, Tesla. We've got quite a few of them. We're going to start off easy, y'all.

They do get crazier. I'm sorry. They do get crazier. Number one on the things masculine men are not allowed to do, according to social media, It's eat bananas. Okay. Well, I eat bananas. But I do see, I can see that one.

It depends on how you eat it. It depends on how you eat it, y'all. You think there's a straight way? If you cut it with a fork and knife on a plate, you put on a suit. Honestly, it's honestly so much more fag brain blooded to cut a banana up into little disc

and eat it like a tiny fruit salad without any other fruits if your man cuts the banana he gay because not only is he eating a fruit he also wants it to be a salad I originally agreed

with this but then I thought about it, and a real man bites into that banana. Oh, he gave that out here to turn the fruit into salad. A real man doesn't, you know what, Jock? A real man doesn't even take the peel off. He bites into the side. He just eats it like that. That's true. That's true. Yes.

He heard it first from Tesla. How to be a man. Because eating it peel on is like just so alpha. Not even monkeys do that in the wild. Yeah. No, literally. I'm sorry. Every other way of eating a banana is fruity as hell.

Y'all, gay, straight, bisexual. I see a man in public eating a banana with the peel on. I'm running away. This is the first. I see a man in public eating a banana with the peel on. I'm running away. This is the first bite I see. I am running as fast as possible. Making eye contact with someone. Biting into the peel. Alright, alright. Number two.

It's very similar, y'all. There's a trend here. Eat popsicles. Yes, okay. I can admit that I've done that before. You've got to eat them wrap her on you have to bite into them wrap her on you have to eat the stick too

I've never been one to suck on a popsicle like a dick slowly but I always chew it as fast as possible because it's the yummiest that way you chew popsicles? yeah I don't sit there sucking on it like some ice dick snowman's dick melting in my mouth you'll take you'll take a popsicle directly out of the freezer and just yes every time i'll i'm gonna do it on video one of the one of the craziest ways to pop

y'all look at the tiktok later because i'm going to whole. That's probably the least gay way to eat a popsicle. Yeah, of course. I'm trying to do things without getting killed for being a fagbash. You eat the popsicle the way you would eat a banana. Yeah, also. Same. You just do it really quickly. You make sure no men are inside, no women.

In a suit. You take it, you're in a business suit. You open your briefcase. You pull out the single popsicle, the only thing in your suitcase, and then you take it, you're in a business suit You open your briefcase You pull out the single popsicle The only thing in your suitcase And then you take it out And you bite into it with the peel on With the peel and the wrapper

And the stick Okay, what about this? Alternatively, play a new metal song You get a popsicle You put it on the table You put your gun out and you shoot the wrapper off you pull the gun out

you take one lick you shoot so many bullets into the popsicle the popsicle evaporates no, fully evaporates so there's no food left to even eat there's nothing you have to put in your mouth you blow it up with an RPG see, I thought it was going in the other direction where you were going to say left to even eat. There's nothing you have to put in your mouth. You blow it up with an RPG.

See, I thought it was going in the other direction where you were going to say you play Russian roulette every time you take a lick. The only straight way to eat a popsicle is to kill yourself. That is so fucked up. The suicide victims. Suicide victims. Yeah, sorry to all the suicide victims out there.

So sorry about that. All right, number three. Number three, y'all. We are going to, we got to move through these. Eat lollipops. I've never, I've, okay. You've never had lollipops? I've never in my life had a lollipop.

Never had gum. Never had Skittles. You know all this already, but like lollipop is a never had. I only have a lollipop. Does that look like some Victorian Willy Wonka ass little bitch? I mean, kind of. The thing

that... Your face is way more like that, but keep going. You're right. Yes, I actually am way more like that but keep going you're right yes i actually am way more victorian really wonk ass than you um the thing that's different about the lollipop to popsicles and banana is that whereas popsicle and banana are the penis i fear lollipops are kind of like balls or the ball, a ball a really weird interpretation from a gay person it's like a tootsie pop

where you gotta get to the center you pop it in and out of your mouth the center of the cum you gotta get to the center of the ball you gotta get through the scrotum if you suck hard enough y'all have been doing sex so wrong you have to get it out of the scrotum we are you suck hard enough, you can get through. Y'all have been doing sex so wrong. You have to get it out of the scrotum.

They are talking about sex right now. Give a blowjob. You suck on the ball. I am so concerned for every person y'all have ever had sex with. This is how it goes down. Sucking on your

ball for an hour. Are you so hard they're fucking so hard and just the one not both just one really red one i could only take a nut i could only get my nut suck for like 10 minutes at max that's a weird feeling a long time i feel like it's a really long time to get your nuts how okay the only way you would know 10 minutes is your max is if you had it done to you for an hour you know this was fun for the first day the furthest i could take it is 10 minutes i'm telling you anything over that is torture they're not that sensitive but it's definitely not something i want i don't it just seems kind of boring i'd be like what do you do i'd rather get my ass

ate or my dick sucked than my balls licked hello this is the crazy all right all right all right number four you might be got 180 of these I don't know we may have to we may have to because if that was three all right number four completely agree with this one eat kale oh shit

wait I forgot to make tallies let's go back rewind Hessa have you Jock Hessa eat bananas

that's a yes yeah I've eaten bananas I've eaten bananas I've eaten popsicles so has H bananas. I've eaten popsicles. So has Hessa. I've never eaten a popsicle before. Oh, you did just have a freak out about, bitch, you've had a popsicle.

You're a cop. I hate that lying asshole. Well, Josh, you said you've never had lollipops. That's fucking true. Well, do you want my mom to call and confirm? Honestly, yes. She raised me. Text her.

Send valet text and have her call you at her convenience, and we will get to the bottom of this. I didn't invent lollipops in Louisiana until 2007. All right. I'm just, like, shocked that I'm having to. All right. Okay. All right.

All right. So, Jock, no lollipops. Hessa, you've had a lollipop. Mm-hmm. I have. Okay. I have. All right.

The next one shock is the least gay one so far that's very surprising hey mom my friends don't believe me that I've never eaten a lollipop in my life before when you can get back to me can you send a message on audio saying that I've never had a lollipop

in my life confirming the truth okay I love you my friend says hey only people the only people who send voice messages like that are like guatemalan immigrant like my dad and john three minute voice message all right number four eat kale i've definitely well i do have kale salads does that count that counts gay is it gay first of all and then have you done it of course it's gay if your man is eating kale he's gay

of course I feel like I completely out of the question have you had kale before Hessa oh yeah I love kale we've all had kale all right we've all had kale the trick is to massage it before you put the oil on it and this is the thing.

People love putting kale in all this shit. Kale at its best, first of all, it is a wintry green. It is best in stews. That's how it's, in my mind, it's meant to be served, is stews. But if you're putting it in a salad, it should be pretty finely chopped. Listen to this faggot. Yes. Tim Brown this faggot. Yes. Tim Brown.

My TED talk. Why don't you go suck off Emeril? You big old food fag. Across the country started puking upon me hearing how gay this man is, y'all. God, I never knew Ben wanted to suck Gordon Ramsey off so hard.

Exactly. Number five, it's related and still true, is eat salads. That hands down. Yes. That's huge. That's a huge one. I don't know if you can get into that one. We've all eaten a salad.

I'm putting us down for that. Okay. Yeah, it's true. Number six is do yoga. If your man's doing yoga, he's gay. What do we think? I think that's definitely true. I mean, I do yoga twice or three times a week.

And I mean, I look around in that class. I do not see a straight man in sight, honey. It's pronounced Hanny tesla also it's a lot of ass face down ass up behavior oh absolutely why do you genuinely as a man why do you need to be flexible the only time i've ever been forced to do, forced, like it was forced of me, like by force to do yoga, I walked out and that person doesn't talk to me anymore. No, I will never do yoga.

That's a... It's the devil. I don't like those devil movements. You went to a yoga class. Yes. Yes, correct. Okay. And you were mad about it. You were so mad about it. Give me half a point here. I have Yes. Correct. Okay. And you were mad about it.

You were so mad about it. Give me half a point here. I have never done yoga. I have never been to yoga class. I walked out of the class before. Yeah, I think that doesn't count. You went to a yoga class. Yes.

I'm the only one who hasn't. Now, Jock and I are tied. Hessa, you are leading the pack. All right, the next one. Gayfag. Hessa, you are leading the pack. Alright, the next one. Gay fag, Hessa, swag. It's getting a little competitive. Olympics? Well, it starts to branch

away from eating things. Do intricate dances with women. That is a faggot behavior that one's real I gotta open my water these are all from like black twitter so there's gonna be some amount of like

cultural revelance to all three of us honky ass crackers. But even then, yeah, I I don't think doing intricate dances with women is necessarily gay or not gay. I think this one like, oh, if you're on ice skates and an Olympian athlete and you're twirling a woman around like a fucking dreidel, that's a little gay. a woman around like a fucking dreidel that's a little gay that's okay but if you're doing like dance hall style like you throw a woman 50 feet into the air and she lands for your cock i would say that's pretty straight i don't know it's a little fruity yeah it's up for it's up for discussion because let me put it this way uh you're secretly gay and dance hall country and you want to do these you want to do this outlandish they call it that's what the british call this call it

you're a man you're a man and you're sexy dancing with a woman but secretly the objective of doing the sexy dance is to throw people off of your scent because you're actually a homosexual. Classic homosexual diversion. Because you want to learn how to do a dance. Homosexual diversion too. If you want to learn how to dance, that's also a reason for being gay. I don't know. I think

dancing is a beautiful way of attracting people. That's how Ben said it. Bag it. Gay people can't okay talking like that all right so i guess we are saying it's two verse one this is gay don't do an intricate dance with a woman unless you are a gay man um i i'll done dancing with women many times i don't think i've done an intricate dance with i was in a production of high school musical that's intricate that's what first dancing wait stop stop stop you have absolutely done an intricate dance with a woman before of course i've done intricate dance with one

first of all wait rewind the track essa was a theater kid i was a theater kid yes i've never seen I've never seen I've never seen High School Musical but the fact that Hessa wrote starred in it and was actually one of the core members of it

is shocking. Not that shocking. Alright, number eight. Rude. I'm rude? You're not a kid. You're not a theater kid in my mind.

Number eight. Do intricate dances with other men. you're not a theater kid in my mind number eight do intricate dances with other men oh okay I mean that is literally like nobody because men literally not gonna win that is literally having

sex with a man doing an intricate dance with a man yeah having sex with the man doing anything but like sitting with a man is having sex with a man. Doing anything but sitting on your hands and looking at the floor. Why are your hands on your butt? Are you trying to feel a man's butt? This is literally how

Marlon Brando would talk about Richard Pryor. He was like, we did an intricate dance together. They were both gay. They were literally having sex. Richard Pryor is bisexual. Mar, they were both gay. They were literally having sex. Well, Richard Pryor is bisexual. Marlon Brando was gay. And fat.

And fat. You're done. If you're fat, you're gay. You're out of here. You wobbled all wobbling out of here. You're done. here, Tungy. You wobbled all wobbling out of here. You're done. You're done. Ass fat Brando gay baggins.

Marlon Brando, you are fat. Marlon Brando, you are the sucker MC of the week. Fat ass. All right. Doing a chicken dance with men. Am I right fellas chicken dance Marlon Brando how do you do a chicken dance

with other men this would definitely be a two parter we can barely get past Marlon Brando's gay ass fag ass with a freaking chicken dance oh my god oh my god by the way I finally thought of an intricate dance

the Macarena is literally like one of the gayest dances that men do with women oh my god that's taking out a whole generation of people yeah that was like that's like how you could tell someone was gay before tiktok dances because the macarena only

gay people probably knew it besides i feel like everyone knew it i feel like if you did oh you lived that long you're that old i have a theory i have a theory i have a theory since everyone did the Macarena, it seemed like it was almost culturally compulsory at a certain time. I feel like really what it comes down to was what was the expression on your face while you were doing it? If you were doing the Macarena as a man and smiling, you're gay. If you're glaring, if you are glaring,

if you look so pissed off while doing the Macarena, you're glaring if you are glaring if you look like if you look so pissed off while doing the macarena you're straight i would say it's a dividing line there um all right next one dance generally dance comma generally okay i honestly dance in general this is the first time i'm not even making a joke i just thought about all the men in my life that i've ever questioned if they were gay or not and the first thing i was like they do be dancing they do be dancing

i would say this one's billy elliott dancing is all we've all danced and giving us all a point here has to go ahead i think dance is gay yeah i've never known a straight man i don't know the all dance and giving us all a point here. I think dance is gay. I've never known a straight man. I don't know the plot line of the movie Billy Elliot who loved dancing.

I don't know the plot line of the movie Billy. I don't know the official plot line of the movie Billy Elliot, but I always assumed it had to do with something with gay people because it was about two gay guys, one named Billy, one named Elliot. Yeah, and they kiss each other. I once saw had to do with something with gay people because it was about two gay guys. One named Billy, one named Elliot.

Yeah, and they kiss each other. I once saw the director of Billy Elliot on the street when I was like 11 and I asked him to sign a DVD of Billy Elliot and he said no. Oh, yeah. Isn't that crazy? And nothing else.

He wasn't like, no, I'm busy. He was just like, no. No, he told his assistant to tell me no he didn't even tell I approached John Malkovich in a parking garage and he yelled back at me get away from me sorry why were you

in a parking garage I knew he was in Lafayette did you run up to him I had that crazy please no please no I have children I was trying to say I'm a fan Did you run up to him? I had that crazy garage. I had that crazy. Please no, please no. I have children. I was trying to say I'm a fan and he was like, no, get away from me.

And he was in town. He was. So you scared the fuck out of me. He was in town. He was in Lafayette, Louisiana of all places as well. It's not a place to run up to someone in the parking lot. This is when there was like a lot i back in the day there was like a either hollywood tipster or lafayette tipster about people from hollywood and lafayette scarlett johansson ryan reynolds would come visit for a while before they decided they were going to buy a house in louisiana john malkovich was there

because he's filming a movie i saw him i approached him and he denied me and i will never forgive him i literally denied you get away from me it's so funny i'm telling you you're scared at night time but oh actually it was getting dark outside. But then... So it was at dusk. It was at sunset. Honestly scary. Sunset, sunset, sunset.

Getting dark outside. Wait, and on retrospect, I might have looked a little different than what he's accustomed to. I was wearing... What year was this? No, it was the year I had that haircut. I'm trying to think of which jacket. That haircut. You know which haircut I'm talking about. i just the sides are shaved and it's okay it's really extreme

no i was a bald you little bitch but then it's pre-bald but free okay it was also when i wore the side shaved i see i see i see i that haircut. And my exclusive color palette at the time was pink lemonade, which meant I wore only pink and yellow. The pink lemonade era. It's so funny. You're screaming at Tom Malkovich, screaming your head off

in a parking garage. I'm only thinking now that I might have been wrong in the situation and that he wasn't just a mean guy if celebrities don't want to talk to you they're usually like oh no I'm busy or something but they never say it

and I know I know I'm crazy but I swear to god like I had heard he was there and I went and rushed to see him. It was him. Yeah, you looked so scary. Goddamn. Clouds rolling in.

Y'all, if your man makes John Malkovich think he's about to die, he's gay. Y'all, if your man has an exclusive color palette, he's gay. That's Dame Dapper Pink Lemon Echo. I feel like this is going to have to be a part two, but whatever. We can go a little bit long. Unfortunately, I don't

think we're going to finish it. We're still about 100 to go. What did I just say? Dance generally. Okay. Try going more rapid fire. Number 10. Well, no. We're having fun. No did I just say? Dance generally. Okay. Try going more rapid fire. Number 10. Well, no. We're having fun. No, I'm just JK with it. Okay. Number 10.

Have female friends that you are not interested in having sex with. I mean, tell me about it. Okay. That's literally Chandler from Friends. That's literally Chandler from Friends and they literally you that's literally Chandler from Friends and they always think he's gay in the show

so that checks out with like real life people too I know women Chandler's real life people like Chandler yeah I have women friends me too I don't think it's gay to have women friends

I think it's a little i'm gonna be honest i think it's a little gay to have female friends that you haven't at least thought about having sex with it might not be an active desire but if you don't have because i have male friends i've at least thought about having sex with almost every single one of them. Not obsessively, but just be like, no. I think I can look at anyone and guess what the sex would be like between us. Yeah. I think if you're a gay guy, girl, it's something that's ever present.

Right? I think the same thing is true for straight guys and females if not more so so we should all have sex with each other well Jock and I have had sex you're disgusting

you think I am the prude of the show and I make one joke about having sex with you and you start acting like i do when you're like i forgot that was the episode hr that's why we hired bernadette bernadette well she's been she's been killed rest in peace her poor rockabilly soul that was the only chance I had at not being bullied for one night. Well, imagine how hard it was to find a cremation clinic that could fit her fat ass. If you're mad, you're gay.

I feel like one of the- We had to chop Bernadette up into a bunch of little pieces so she could go into full size. This is so mean, but I feel like one of these numbers is going to say that if you're fat, you're gay. Well, we've already said that. If you're fat, you're gay.

You're gay. All right. Have female friends that you are not interested in having sex with. Yes, that makes you gay so I don't have any female friends that I want to have sex with Hessa you I'm sure do I have female friends I want to have

sex with I would love to have sex with many of my friends but that is just and have same right number 11 I can't wait no stop you can't You really want us to have sex? That's disgusting, Ben. Well, you can bring it up.

It's because it's poisoning my mind. It's stained it. It's like... I'm making a note to call Bernadette. She's dead. She's alive. Yeah, I'd rather give my nuts up for 10 minutes than hear this shit. Her ashes, I'm telling you,

almost blanketed the planet like St. Helen's explosion. That's how big this bitch was. Her ashes are awesome. I literally imagine instead of them opening the normal door at the cream of Korea, they opened the big side doors.

Sky, okay. When her ashes... When I let her ash. Y'all, there's like a big 18-wheeler backing up in the parking lot of the crematorium.

It's looking like Gilbert Grip. Driving down the highway and opening the doors in the back of the 18-wheeler. It's full to the brim with rashes. It caused a huge pileup on the highway.

I'm serious. I know Bernadette might not be real, but this is pretty fucked up to talk about her like this. Believe me, she is not anymore. Because you've virtually disintegrated her body into dust. She died. For our sins.

For our sins. Alright, alright, alright. Let's get back on track here. Okay. I'm ready. Number 11. Spend time with said female friends. That's not gay.

Not gay. Because the time you spend with them could be having sex with them. I thought the list was going to say spending time with your family is gay. Look, we might get there, but right now we are on number 11. Spend time with said female friends. I spend time with female friends all the time. I'm doing myself a one. I don't think that's gay at all because like I said, I didn't have any sex with them during

that time. Number 12. Number 12. I think this is an easy one. Go to brunch. That's huge. That's huge. That's a huge one.

That's one of the cardinal gay activities. Not only is your man gay, your man sucks at being gay. Your man is one of the most annoying gay men of all time. Your man is wearing that Zara stripe shirt in 2023. Your man is buying Converse high top to wear with white short shorts and a neat little polo.

That's how gay your man is if he's going to brunch. Jock's doing a dab. Jock, we've all been to brunch. I'm giving us all a point there. I've definitely been to brunch with both of you. It is the worst kind of generic gay

quality it's for men who walk around Target and go dude I hope going to Target it's for men who learned the term boho chic in a Target and their minds

exploded what does that even mean boho chic in a target and their minds exploded. What does that even mean? It's for men whose teeth reflect the laser beam. Yes, it's for gay men with giant teeth. Which is a type of gay man. British men. Two white teeth. Teeth that are too white.

Like a baby in a cartoon. Yes, literally like a baby. It's for guys who are babies in cartoons. Your man has two giant white friends who are like a baby in a cartoon. Not only is he gay, he's a baby. If you're a baby, you're gay. Gay.

Alright, alright. If you're a baby, you're definitely gay. Number 13. Yeah. If you're a baby, you're definitely gay. Number 13. Have too many female friends. Whatever. It's the same thing. Yeah.

I can say we all have too many female friends. Have too many male friends. That's also gay. Having too many male friends is gay. Yeah. Oh, are you going to go on vacation? What? Are you going to invite him to your birthday party what about guys you're on the sports team um what about them let's not let's not get ahead of the list all right i'm not getting ahead of the list you said guys who hang

out with other guys and groups are gay it could be a sports team sure um uh number five go to a movie maybe with a male friend or two so this he was so mad about this one he was so mad about this book because he copied the charge verbatim go to a movie maybe with a male friend or two okay now i'm imagining like a guy's trying to hide that he's gay. And he's like, yeah, me and my bros, we're going to go see the new Transformers movie. And then they all are like watching Bridget Jones' baby together being like. And they sound like they really did it this time. I would say this one's not that gay.

This one's not that gay. It depends on the movie. The movie, like you said, could be Transformers. Are you kidding? Or it could be Bridget Jones Diary. They're watching porn. They're literally watching gay porn. What if it was straight porn?

That's even gayer. You and your homies watching straight porn. I feel like my brain is just... I know a gay guy and he only masturbates to straight porn. Yeah, what if it's that guy? Yeah.

Yeah, what about it? Yeah, I mean, then your man's gay. Let's see where we're at. And I've done that. Go on a trip. Go on a trip, maybe with a male friend or two. Same.

We don't even need to get into that one. Yeah, I feel like those were in the same tweet where it's like y'all if you have a if you go on a trip or go to a movie with a male friend or two you're gay no this is how it went this is how it went because you can tell in this little spree here someone said if your man has too many male friends, he's gay. And someone responds, a woman responded to be like, yeah, what are they going to do? Go to a movie. And then she said, yeah, what are they going to do? Go on vacation.

And this guy went through it with a fine tooth comb. He's so annoyed of being called gay for doing incredibly normal things. Then he can add them to his list. Should we shout out this guy's at? I'll add him. I'll put him in the... Actually, one second. He had a pretty funny at.

Oh, my God. Let me find it. I thought it was a qualifier for if someone would be gay, something that someone would do. His name is Elgin Barrett Eugene. You're gay. He's gay.

Elgin, you're gay. Elgin, you're gay. Barrett Eugene gay. You've been gay. Let's keep going. What were we on? The next one we are on number 17, I think. What is this? 17. I want to text something offensive. The next one,

we are on number 17, I think. What is this? 17. Ride a bike. Especially if it's got that big wheel. Jigsaw coded. Like the movie you're watching. You know. These all private little

tricycles it's jigsaw and he's gay why do you think he kills people jigsaw always on that damn if you torture people and you ride a little

tricycle you might be gay and jigsaw that was just a good thing he really is always on that damn tricycle he never gets off it's funny because it's true it's also funny because jigsaw is the old man and not the puppet, which we found out after that episode. Wait, really? What? No, no, no.

He's always on that damn tricycle. I was always confused how that little time... It's hilarious for your beef with Jigsaw to be that he's on a tricycle all the time and not locking single mothers in a room full of hypodermic needles. Well, I mean, that's all fucked up

or whatever, but I never even understood how he did it. He rolled the tricycle. He put on the tricycle. When does he have time to put the traps? I thought it was true. It's honestly true. I want to see a picture of him

holding the passed out people on his back as he tricycles. Puts them into their spots. Yeah, maybe he has a little That's like Stacey Skinnies constantly on the tricycle. And then on top of that, he's got people's bodies that he's holding

to put them in place. What the fuck were you talking about? That saw behind the scenes. Also, I sent the group chat something offensive that is a qualifier if they have

I'm not going to look at my phone right now. Okay. Where were we? Oh, ride a bike my phone right now. Okay. Where were we? Ride a bike. That's why. So fucking gay. Have you seen it?

I feel like with everything else, it depends on where is the trip with your boys. Is it Vegas or is it Mykonos? What's the movie you're watching? Is it, you know, Norahgas or is it mykonos what's the movie you're watching is it you know nora jones or is it you know nora jones ted movie ted is the one movie she's in what was i thinking you called ted nora jones You call that movie Nora Jones because she's in it. Wait, what? He's talking about Bridget Jones?

Renee Zellweger. Renee Zellweger was kind of chubby. Yeah, the movie's called Bridget Jones. Bridget Jones Diary. Anyways, back onto the metaphor. You're a sad excuse for a gay person. Back onto what I was trying to say.

The bike here could be one of those badass 70s bikes with a wicker basket on it. It's pink. Or it could be a dirt bike. So,

I would say we don't have enough information. A dirt bike does not. I'm going to call this one inconclusive for me are you kidding me a dirt bike does not count this is not inconclusive gay people are on bikes Albert Einstein the guy who made acid

Lance Armstrong that's the trinity of gay guys that's what happened to Lance Armstrong's ball is someone sucked it out. Sucked it out? It was torn into the ball? Why? Because he got sucked out by a gay guy who thought that

a man sucked his ball through his dick? Can y'all imagine Lance Armstrong's face when that ball went from his sack into the guy's mouth? Like it was probably it was probably like, oh, that's what I like. Honestly, probably not that hard to imagine the face. Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God. Also, wait, by the way, the gayest kind of men on bikes is kind of men on bikes. BMX bikes. They're tiny. I was going to say French. No, no, no, no, no. BMX bikers and their little gay ass little BMX bikes. And they have little things on the back wheel so your buddy can hold on to you while you ride them home to go suck them off.

And they're called pegs. They're literally called pegs. They're literally called pegs. Yeah, we're putting to suck them off. And they're called pegs. They're literally called pegs. Yeah, we're putting the pieces together. I can think of a guy who rides a bike and his name is Udi and he definitely is probably gay. Oh, I love Udi.

Let's not get into Udi because last time we talked about Udi, you had a meltdown and made us go back and edit a bunch of shit. Okay, one sentence. You are leading Udi out of this. One sentence. I have a full new beef with Udi, and I will reveal to y'all soon

what happened. This is not being beeped, Jesse. I mean, is this private or public? It is public. This is a public episode, mama. Hello, Udi. I'll see you at the family dinner soon. Udi shouldn't be keeping up my friends and families with his skate park. His noisy skate park.

He owns a skate park? No! I mean, look, I would love to talk about Udi. His skate park. He's so stupid. Your life is literally like an Ed, Edd n Eddy episode. That's so weird. My friends and my family with his skate park.

That is that is literally so funny because yesterday I said I was there on his damn tricycle. Chris picked me up in the airport yesterday. Rudy's skate park. Chris picked me up in the airport yesterday and I told him I have a new Ed, Edd n Eddy scam. Like, because, you know, they're always going to have scams and make good giant. Chris picked me up in the airport yesterday and I told him I have a new Ed Ed Nettie scam like because you know how they're always gonna have scams and they get giant

gum balls not gum ball you fucking retard I knew you were gonna be mad at that one as soon as it came out of my mouth I was like fuck you stupid bitch okay let's keep going let's go on to the next one.

I put this down equally for a point there. 18, cry. Look, I'm going to put this one at number 19. 18, cry. 19, not cry. It's gay to not cry. I think that's true. I think both of those things are gay. Both of them are gay.

Unfortunately, they're both gay. And there's nowhere for you to run back. What do we think? I would say yes. Can you ask it again? I'm blacking out in anger from Udi. Oh my god.

It wasn't even a question. Jock, okay, so 18 is cry, 19 is not cry. I'm giving you both two points because we've all done that. We all cry and yeah, gay people do be crying a lot about not having equal rights or whatever.

Exactly. Number 20. I love this one. Below on hot foods slash liquids if you were straight you would have no problem drinking a cup of scalding hot tea

burn your mouth and you wouldn't scream, you wouldn't care and you wouldn't cry but you also would cry you wouldn't scream you wouldn't care and you wouldn't cry but you also solved would cry you wouldn't cry and you couldn't cry you would cry out of one eye yeah i've never seen broke bag mountain but i imagine they drink the really hot coffee and don't even flinch they do it don't flinch they don't flinch when they have gay sex without lube on the middle of the house yeah that's the craziest thing i've had sex plenty of time without lube being a bottom and there was no problem and it wasn't messy yeah but it was they were in field hands yeah they were all

field handed up they were all also let's say something here just to be completely honest i don't want to start an argument but your ass has been through a lot more than jake gyllenhaal's hello yeah okay uh you know whatever i'm not i'm not gonna argue it but i'm also not gonna say jake gyllenhaal's ass probably been through quite a lot too actually that's probably true that's probably just probably par for par blow on hot foods liquids I have done that but you know I do consciously try to not do like a day two little girl that's impossible

for nearly everything you do we've all done that I do that with cold foods too like gazpacho like ice cream I blow on ice cream if you man blow on gazpacho he is dumb

hey everybody big surprise big surprise has to saying something annoying that she does she blows on cold things I love this one 21 21 run for the bus

well actually this is I love this one. Okay, 21-21, run for the bus. Well, actually, this is, I've never, I've never wanted to run after the bus. It's so funny. It's so funny to see someone in public who's running for the bus, and your thought isn't like, oh, damn, I'm so glad that's not me, or like, oh, I hope they get there. But you see that, and you're like yeah y'all i haven't i haven't i haven't depended on a bus since i lived in saint paul minnesota and i am not a bus person i have nothing i don't think anyone else i don't think i don't i don't think there's anything wrong with taking a bus but i just don't like it the last time i was on a bus was actually with Ben New Year's Eve in Denver.

And we were leaving that DIY space. And we were with Steven and there was some old. Oh, my God. Homeless people. And they were calling us fags. Yes. It's gay. If you take the bus, you're gay.

And look, that was like. In fact, one of the funniest things that's ever happened to our friend. I don't want to say his name just to respect. Steven? Well, there we go. Sorry, Steven. Come on. He doesn't deserve that much privacy.

No one knows him. I mean, it's. I think our friends do, but regardless. Love him. You're like, he doesn't deserve privacy. Nobody knows who he is. I too, but regardless. Love him. He doesn't deserve privacy. Nobody knows who he is. I mean, come on. No one's going to take a plane to Dallas.

I mean, come on. Stop. Stop. Stop, Jock. I'm kidding. He lives in Detroit. I just got the D's mixed up. Nice. Yes. Saved it. Anyways, epic Jock saved. Anyways, a woman on that bus that night a homeless woman

looked at him and called him young sheldon which if you've seen stephen is one of the best and it was hilarious because i'm like bitch that show just came out where are you watching it like how how do you know what young sheldon is because 90 of people who do have tvs in their homes don't know what that is masterfully deploying this phone on new year's eve at like two in the morning on a bus and just during this porn twink for no reason in retrospect this is so funny but i had did not have not been on a bus since that experience because that night was so bad it was 45 or 30 minutes long of us just being bullied by every single person who was rough it was so fucked up cigarettes all right yeah... It was so fucked up.

All right. Yeah. No, buses are so fucked up. I would say, well, running for the bus, gay. Blowed out of our mind. I have run for the bus. Jock, have you run for the bus? No. I ran for the bus a couple of weeks ago on Roosevelt Island. Jock, you've never run for a bus? No. If I

see that it's gone, I'm not going to... Buses run away from you. I mean, truly. I never run for a bus no if i see that it's gone i'm not gonna run away from you i mean truly i run from a bus because i didn't pay um all right i honest i number 22 i can remember number number 22 use the umbrellas umbrellas. You'll just get wet. I hate to admit that I've used an umbrella before, but I'd so rate. Why?

Why do you hate to admit that you've used an umbrella? It's just sinister. It's sinister? Villains, like the penguin, hold umbrellas Because they are I'm like holding umbrella

Both your classes You turn into the penguin It puts you in an evil mindset Y'all are laughing Y'all don't want to see me without an umbrella I feel evil y'all I feel like a penguin. You know what? I'll honestly say it. It's my least favorite

Rihanna song. It is a horrible Rihanna song. It was like her first hit, though. I mean, everything before Anti for Rihanna was absolute garbage. You know what? Honestly, I've never even listened to Anti. I've never even listened to all of

Anti. It's a really good album. It's so good. Alright, 23. Order fruity drinks. Yeah, that is something I've done and it is so gay. A man goes to the bar, straight tequila, please.

I'm not questioning his gender. Can I please have a pina colada? Extra rum. That guy's gay probably based on his drink order, not just his voice. That's just like unseen. I just got a pina colada. Fruity drinks? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know

a gay guy who's like, oh, I want something fruity. Can I have a grapefruit Paloma? I want something dry. Do you have a spacefruit Paloma? I want something dry. Do you have a spicy margarita? Fruity drinks is more straight girl. Yeah, that's like by being so

previously gay. It's cycled into being straight female and now is a little gauche for gay men. I'm going to counter that opinion though because spicy margaritas are inherently masculine because of their

spicy nature. Who was the last person you saw drinking a spicy margarita? Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Right after he fist fought someone and drove off in a Hummer. Why don't you fucking check yourself before you...

Can I get a spicy margarita please oh my god and actually you know who ordered a spicy margarita right before him Van Diesel Van Diesel Van Diesel Van Diesel

Van Diesel Van Diesel no don't shut up Van Diesel if you run after the van diesel you're gay next one 24 be excited to see your boys yeah that literally sounds like you're excited to have sex with a gay guy it's so funny mouth open on your knees to see your boys imagine like i hope this was like a guy

who tweeted this was like he saw his friend and his friend was too excited to see him and he was like you're kind of gay for that he's kind of sus yeah yeah or or someone who was just genuinely excited to see his boys and his girlfriend was there and then his girlfriend was like oh my god i can't believe my boyfriend is excited to see his boys yeah it's so embarrassing um i have been excited to see my boys many a time i love seeing my boys has to yeah i'm putting one for you yeah well um 25 text with emojis yeah that's fucking hella gay yeah of course are you joking me how many times do you think john wayne texts me with emojis never because he's a man's man he doesn't text i have sent texts with emojis uh jock i've gotten texting me with emojis. Jock, I've gotten texts from you with emojis. What about emoticons?

You shut up. What do you mean? The same exact. I literally want to run you over with a car right now for saying that. Why? With a Van Diesel. No, Jock, emoticons. Not the Van Diesel.

That's fine. I'm just saying. There's a difference between emoticons and emojis. What could be the difference? Well, emoticons are like semicolon parentheses. You know, it's made with, you know. Yeah, I guess the difference between Gen Z and

less bespoke and boomers. It's all gay, I would say. If you're expressing emotion, if there's nothing we know expressing any emotion aside from pure rage. Using a phone without without, you can't text or you're gay too, is the point. aside from pure rage using a phone with without you can't text or you're gay

too is the point also you can't text? yeah gay people only gay people text men real men just make a phone call clack clack clack clack clack using your thumbs to clickety clack clack with your acrylics clickety clack clack don't ever clickety clack clack with your acrylics clickety clack clack

don't ever clickety clack clack me again alright alright alright next one um well we're kind of right back to where we started here with 26 I'm surprised it hasn't been on here yet but you know there's always going to be those classics wait can I guess can I guess

yeah guess um eat an ice cream cone you're so close i'll give you another shot think think more phallic and like one is the most basic phallic foods of all time um eating an eggplant who eats an eggplant? Like raw, like the emoji? The emoji? A hot dog.

A hot dog, yeah. I'm sorry, it's actually eat hot dogs. So the multiple factor might be something to consider. I don't think we need to get into this one. Let's keep it going. I think it's straight to be in a hot dog eating contest, though. Because that's more of a fat person thing and not a gay person thing.

We've been over that, Chaka. If you're fat, you're gay. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's okay. It's all right. This next one is... I actually completely disagree with it on first read but it is specific

number 27 smoking hookah this just sounds like a jealous woman to be honest with you she saw a bunch of really cool guys smoking hookah and she was like none of them are paying attention to me I'm jealous of the hookah so you're gay I need to be sucked on like that hookah.

I need to point out the specific reason that this is being referenced because Saucy Santana posted a video to Instagram of him talking about how it's gay. Him, out of anyone, saying that it's gay for men to do hookah. Oh, I remember this.

I remember this. Saucy Santana is oneucy Santana's a boy. Who is one of the gayest. The gayest gay. It's literally like... Oh, I know Saucy Santana. I'm thinking of someone else. Just gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. What was his song?

Material Girl. Material Girl! Material Girl! There we go. Jinx. And Material Girl. And he, if anyone would know, it's him. I'm going to say that's absolutely not gay. material girl there we go jinx and material girl and he if anyone would know it's him I'm gonna say that it's absolutely not gay

I'm gonna say it's absolutely not gay I think I'll go with Saucy Santana yeah I think it's great I have smoked hookah I smoked hookah in Dearborn Michigan and it was so slay I was smoking hookah every night and it was so hard it was so slay. I was smoking hookah every night.

It was so slay. It's not gay to smoke hookah and be my old picture of you like, yes! It literally was me hanging out with a bunch of Arab volunteers. You literally are probably smoking strawberry banana flavor or something. I forget, but there was a fruity one on the

table. Rose Petal and NSYNC. Oh, this is a classic. Oh my god. Y'all smoking incest at the hookah if I'm listening to you. Y'all smoking incest! And smoking incest! Alright, alright. This is a classic

one. This is an OG one for me. One of the happiest hitters on this list. Twenty eight. Order dessert. This is a classic. He's gay.

This is when we started the Steam Room, one of the first episodes you pitched was is it gay to order dessert? I think. And this is why. I have a theory for it, right? So when it's like, when it's movies, when it's, you know, ride a bike, when there's kind of a spectrum involved, because it could be a gay movie, it could be a straight movie. You never know.

But this is when it is actually definitive. And I do agree with it. There's not a straight dessert. You know, it's not like, oh, he got a banana cream pie or a tiramisu. They're both gay. Well, if you get a banana cream pie, you can like slam it in someone's face. That's just funny. That's not quite gay.

I guess. I disagree. It's literally simulating a cum explosion on your face with the creamy essence of a meringue pie. But actually, I disagree. Actually, a direct simulation before gay men could have sex with each other in little secret hidey holes they would throw banana cream pies at each other from afar so that it they knew what cum felt like they knew what cum felt actually actually scientists say that back in the early 1930s 1940s

all right we gotta get to we gotta get to the um it's not the one that just made me freak out because i have not gone through this list entirely um there is one on here that is so good just keep listing number 29 number 29 be clean be clean yeah no this is so good. Just keep listing. Number 29, be clean. Be clean. Yeah, no, this is so true. Because gay men have assholes that are ready for sex, and straight men have assholes that are busted, and they don't wipe their poop well enough. Busted open, yeah.

And someone tell him he's wrong. I think that one's pretty wrong. Well, but that... I think that one's pretty straight. Yeah. That one's pretty straightforward. Also, when you're cleaning yourself, what, you looking at your dick? Mm-hmm.

You're naked? I clean my asshole, but I don't do... You're naked? I'm going to say, well... If you take off your clothes ever. You're gay. Jock, have you been clean just checking for the tally

I'm actually right in this exact moment so fucking clean my I'm so sunburned and all of my skin peeled off in the shower I just took 20 minutes before I'm literally a new fresh layer of skin and I rub soap

all over my body and i literally feel so clean i'm not even sweating i'm like a like a supermodel virgin okay number 30 this one is actually a huge point of contention i think it strikes deep into the core of masculinity. Number 30, decorate. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Famously. If your man decorates, he's gay. I mean, to your decorators, gay.

That's why we have the whole, you know, meme, ideal male living space. Yeah, male living spaces. A camping chair and a, you know, VHS TV. Owning possessions in almost any way seems to be a little gay nowadays

because where are you buying it if you're a man if you're you have to buy it at all these stores that are made for women to shop

or for gay men to shop target furniture wise furniture wise I mean you know if you are a straight man involved in antiquities

or antiques in any way Indiana Jones, you have been called out. I'm sorry, but you are getting me. If your ass is running from a giant boulder. If you're an archaeologist and you're sitting there with your little gay

ass tiny little brush dusting off the little tiny dirt you just shoveled off to reveal your little pretty pottery Indiana Jones we got a double sucker of the week Indiana Jones

you're a damn ass gay MC sucker of the week with your faggy ass whip and your gay ass cowboy hat seeking derangements in jail for the week so they can suck each other off and guess what I've never seen a single Indiana Jones movie

because I'm not a loser this is the one that I did not see saw and almost lost my mind while you guys were talking because it is clearly so specific to like black twitter and some drama that must have been happening over there but number 31 is build empires with their queen. I so

I'm genuinely trying to think Jay-Z and Beyonce try to think through the angles of here here what would make this game? Now, it just sounds like they're talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z. Am I rude to say that?

You'll build an empire with your queen. I don't know what other king and queen built their empire together besides Elizabeth and Philip or whatever his name was. You've done that with me with podcasting. I mean, that is true. I have

built an empire with my queen. What the fuck? I was your queen. Now this bitch tells her an empire with my queen what the fuck I was your queen now this bitch is my queen you're my queen doc we're all each other's queen that's a better damn way of how it be and I'm not having sex with y'all it's just I'm so

interested as to what the specific arguments are because this seems having to rely on a woman and the man not bringing the breadwinners I think it's so straight to build an empire with your queen I think maybe you

are onto something here which is that empire should be built by men and men alone men are the breadwinners but queen implies empire. Empire with queen.

Also, if you're building an empire or if you are a baseball umpire, you're gay. You don't even have to be building with a queen. Exactly. Also, if you're hanging out with someone that you call the queen

typically it's a gay person so that also is easy to break down I don't understand why you're Dr. Professor you might need to go back to Yale because you seem a little bit stupid today fucking idiot bitch I didn't even say anything

I know you never know when it's going to come out of me. I know. I never know when you're going to have a little anger out first. It's very hard to decide whether or not this is gay, but it's so gay. Are you kidding? To build an empire with your queen?

It is so fucking gay. People who smoke blunts are... You can't build an empire with your boys that's gayer that's like Rome style sounds pretty nasty to me one of the gayest things you could do

like what do you do what do you wish you were in ancient Sparta I think you need to build an empire you have to build it alone don't you dare build it with your queen or you are a flaming faggot don't let your queen y'all think jay-z is gay oh probably most rappers are gay or most sure i've said this before i've

said this before but i think usher is the only straight rapper actually most people at that level of celebrity are all gay because they could have sex with anyone they wanted and at some point you run out of women you want to and you've got to heighten the premise of who would be attracted to you and who you could be attracted to there's a famous story of leonardo dicaprio bringing all the celebrities are gay as hell exactly why do you think he cries now at bars alone leonardo DiCaprio an age thing I don't know let's get to the next one build an empire with their queen alright

don't you do it don't you don't you don't you I love this one I love this one as well be creative oh my god. Yes.

Says Pablo Picasso. Richard Simmons. Okay, well look there. Richard Simmons is your second example. Van Gogh. Those two didn't listen to each other in a breath like that. George Michael.

We could all list gay artists. Prince. He's bisexual bisexual prince was very bisexual actually i don't want to and also i'm not a girl i'm not a man i am a weird third thing you can't understand okay also one other thing i want to clarify usher is engaged probably bisexual but definitely he's like whatever richard is from New Orleans I didn't know that I just looked it up to see if he's actually gay because I think he might just be one of those freaks I think he might just be a freak

like Carrot Top like Carrot Top is riff riff I know let's not forget that Carrot Top has been outed on this podcast for trying to fuck beautiful angelic griff griff um wait did ben 2004 simmons slapped a man at phoenix sky harbor international airport the

altercation took place after the man said hey everybody it's richard simmons let's drop our bags and rock to the 50s. Richard Simmons is from New Orleans. That checks out. Most gay people actually do come from New Orleans. Tennessee Williams, I assume, is from New Orleans. Ellen from New Orleans. Ellen?

Tennessee Williams is gay, right? Ellen DeGeneres is from Metairie. What? That is so insane. People from Metairie. What? That is so insane. People from Metairie are so garbage. What's Metairie? What's Metairie? What's Metairie?

Hesed needs to know what this weird suburb of New Orleans is. Because she needs to do a little research before she gets a talk into me on the chat. No respect. Dr. Professor, you've leave five summer reading requirements and Hessa does them all. I ask her just to look at the Wikipedia of Ellen. Can you tell us just please very briefly, because we've got so many more to get through, just what Metairie is like and how it could inform why Ellen is so particularly

evil and lesbionic. I'll just say that the only good thing about it is that there's an okay mall. Okay. What else? It's just like garbage people from garbage land that do garbage things from garbage...

Like Grouchland? It's kind of like the Grouchland of New Orleans. No, it's not like that at all, Hessa. Don't confuse the listeners. You're being really obtuse right now. Alright, number 33. Number 33. This one. We're only on 33? We are.

On 185. So we are not finishing this today. No, it's finishing today. I never want to stop recording. I can't. I can't. But we will finish this, listener. There's one thing we do. What I wanted to do was bring on a straight guy

for this. So now we can. But of course, Jock and I are now straight. So we've had a straight era. I'm done. I'm done with Dirk. Jock's in his pussy- is pussy pounding era he's a let's see how well if you're envy can you be straight that's an interesting question if what ladies excuse me bitch if your man asked can envy you be straight he is

gay and incredibly annoying what is this bitch saying about me again? And I know I'm talking about the one with no video. Order Starbucks. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. I'll say this. If you order an app to buy anything,

like pickup, like Target app, Starbucks app, grocery app, that's one of the gayest things literally my old gay roommate damien got me hooked on using the chick-fil-a and the mcdonald's app and he is so fucking gay so this all checks out gay fucking agenda i don't want to be tech thank god i'm out of that community now. They love getting us hooked on apps. Why is the tech so big? So that we can like a penis.

Yeah. So we can suck it. Wait, the stylist of an internet. Yes. Order Starbucks. Absolutely. If I were a straight man and my woman was taking it through a Starbucks

drive-thru, she's like, do you want anything? I'd shoot her in the head. That is so violent towards women. You disgusting pervert. Okay. Sorry. I wouldn't shoot her in the head that is so violent towards women you disgusting pervert okay sorry I wouldn't shoot her in the head I would shoot her in the foot to teach her a lesson

about how to talk to her man I'm a respectable masculine man and if my girlfriend and if my girlfriend was driving me through the Starbucks line and asked me if I wanted something, I would say, I would say, no, thank you. But here's here's a flower, a rose, because I care about you. And she would say thank you, because that is what a gentleman might do for a woman in line to offer.

So I don't you know, I don't like i don't like whoever wrote these questions because there's a lot of things that are starting not questions it's not a quiz it's a list of things and well dr professor they're not questions it is a list of things that have been you know sourced from that beautiful app twitter all right we did number 33 jock this goes back to something you mentioned earlier we're still on 33. No, we're on 34. Oh, before that, we've all ordered Starbucks.

Yeah, of course. What's your Starbucks order? Are you a rich and loaded? 34? Jock, you're going to lose it. I'm about to lose it. I'm already mad.

Drink pink lemonade. jock you're gonna lose it i'm about to lose this one is very i'm already mad drink drink pink lemonade that one's gay as hell that's fucked up because like pink lemonade is the superior lemonade it's literally lemonade made with raspberries it makes it equal parts sour sweet with a tang. So I don't understand why that could be gay. That's really offensive. And honestly, this person should maybe consider whose feelings are getting hurt when they say that. They say something like that.

Okay, you whipped out the BQB on them. That's how you know you're really mad. Jack's like, why don't you consider the fact that you said that makes me want to die? Can you see how I've changed in my demeanor? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see how I've changed in my demeanor? Can you look at me and tell how angry I am? You were mad about that one. If some,

if some, if some motherfucker came in line and swapped, it slapped my pink lemonade out of my hand and said, Hey fag, you shouldn't drink that. Cause it's so fucking gay. I would, I would spray them with mace. Let's be completely honest

the vast majority of people who are saying this are probably black women's i don't think she's saying hey fag me i've never actually had pink lemonade it's pretty good okay oh are you fucking serious with me are you trying to fuck with me right now? I love hacking your brain. Does it lie? What's wrong with you? You need a kind of like North Korea style approval rating for pink lemonade, or you will freak out. All right. Well, get this.

She's like, oh, it's definitely pink lemonade. 35, 35, 35. Sleep on your stomach. 35 35 sleep on your stomach oh I don't do this the most unhealthy way to sleep my roommate

does this and he's that's how my manager sleeps and he sleeps with his ass sticking up in the air and on his stomach like a cartoon yes literally ben your volume is so low no it's gone it's oh no it's be disconnected again jaman oh no i want to jam him with you um so has said like when did you start personally just hating me?

I don't hate you. I just want to know because you keep fucking with me so much. No video screen ass bitch. Always. If someone doesn't like your gumbo, I don't give a fuck.

Okay, I let that go. Am I back? Am I back? Okay, well, I don't give a fuck. Okay, I let that go. Am I back? Yes, you're back. Okay, well, I don't need to make an edit there then. I don't know why the fuck that keeps happening. Sorry, guys. I have no clue. This is Gaia silencing you for being a toxic male.

El Toxico. This is Gaia silencing you for being a toxic male. Isn't that your nickname? Sleep on your stomach, absolutely gay. Guys, if you're out there, I sleep on my stomach? Sleep on your stomach, absolutely gay. Guys, if you're out there, you should be sleeping on your back. I can't sleep on my back. I'm so perfect.

Digestion. Really? Sleep on your left side or on your right? Yes, absolutely. I switch between sleeping on my left and right side. Oh, related, 36, take naps. I really hate taking naps because I wake up and feel like I missed half the day.

I don't take naps. It's impossible for me. As someone with a very hard circadian rhythm, I can't take naps because I take a nap and then I wake up and my body tells me it's a new day and then i go do something crazy if your circadian rhythm is hard you're gay i haven't heard the word circadian so that word is gay acadian gay the the acadian region of louisiana is incredibly famously gay where you're from um people dress like clowns you guys want to The Acadian region of Louisiana. It's an incredibly famous. Famously gay. People dress like clowns. Do you guys want to do a couple more and then wrap it up?

Yeah. No, I wanted to stay on for another hour. We can save these for another time. I think we should get a guest for this. We'll have to really. Maybe Patrick. Put our Rolodexes together to find a. If your man has a podcast

He's gay We need to find a man who does not We need to find like an actually like a straight guy Caleb You just named another guy with a podcast Like Okay I'm sorry but Caleb is straighter than Patrick We will figure it out

If you're gay If you're bald, you're gay. If you're bald, you're straight. I know so many gay bald guys. Alright, let's... What if we have Brad on? That'd be fun. Bradley Cooper? There are a few good ones here.

Yeah, nothing but gay. Alright. 37 burn scented candles. You're gay. I've done it before, but I do agree it's an inherently gay activity. Yeah, it's pretty gay.

Why don't you just go work? Why don't you just go be a manager at the Yankee candle factory in the mall, you fucking fag word. I used to love going to Yankee Candle after school. And he's disconnected again. Disconnected from my life Ben is not welcome

this night I don't want to see him anymore I don't want to hear his pathetic little voice shouting across the zoom I don't want his gayness to infect me like a poison

he's a spider and I'm not gonna be tangled in his web not today Satan that was a really good song that was a really really good song

y'all I think I'm on my game today that's why I said we just record the next hour that was an amazing song and Ben was worried I wasn't gonna be on my game today and I'm even hello on my game you're amazing but my mic

is fucking up I don't know what's going on ladies if your man can't even record his podcast yeah mike keeps ladies if his mic keep cutting out it's because his voice is so gay that comes coming out of his mouth um jock that song was so good it went places i did not think it was gonna go go. I want to start making more music. I thought it was just going to hit all of the regular Ben Your Pale and Curly Hair notes, which look we love, but it's

a little tired, but that one was amazing. You should call me a spider more. I was thinking of an evil creature and I didn't want to say his name. Spider. and I didn't want to say his name he is a spider if you liked if you liked that song

and you're a music producer and you can add beats and make that into a full fledged song I will give you a thumbs up emoticon he is a spider I won't get Tangled in this web

There we go Alright I want to do some more I want to write more songs for the Ladies if you man a spider he gay 38 38 is eat cereal I feel like this one just makes him a child

Yeah a lot of these are blighted children Mostly 38 is eat cereal. I feel like this one just makes him a child. Yeah, a lot of these are lighted children, mostly. In my defense, like lollipops. In my defense, I used to eat cereal in a straighter way, which is dry. No milk. I only started

adding milk to my cereal when I was 25. Wow, that's a big moment for you. I can tell because you remembered it. Yeah, I mean, I was right when I moved to Denver and I was like, I'm ready to try a new thing. I'm ready to try cereal with milk. It's so funny.

Jock hates change, especially in a food arena. Yeah. It's not. That is a milestone arena. Yeah. That is a milestone in his life. I had po'boys yesterday. It was so good.

Oh, God. I need a po'boy. I want to come back to Louisiana so bad. Boy, you need a po'boy. Look at your skinny, dumbass fucking falling through the cracks. Spider ass. Slipping through the cracks. Because you're so

deceptive. If you're eating a po-boy, you're gay. Why would I eat a boy? My boy Ben be eating po-boys, and by po-boys I mean cock. He's still skinny because he doesn't even swallow. Alright, number

39. Okay, this one's really good I want to end there's one on here that's so funny just keep going do you have somewhere to go we're getting into a really good run of them

39 have a birthday in the springtime oh my god literally you know who the first person i thought of me no i don't always think of you stupid bitch uh the the the really annoying twink from american idol that turned out so ugly looking adam lampert yes adam lampert is the one that wears all the makeup. You're thinking of a little Latino. David Archuleta? David Archuleta. No, no, no, no. Now I gotta

Google gay. David Cook? Gay. Clay Aiken. David Archuleta was a little twin. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken. Whoa. And then let's double check if Clay Aiken has a springtime birthday. What? Star Sentence, though. That's Aries. That's me. I'm an Aries. Yeahiken has a springtime birthday. What? Star Signs, that's Aries. That's me. I'm an Aries.

Is that springtime? Is it November? Is it November springtime? Never mind. Wait, stop. Take it back. I don't want to rewind the track. You can't unsay that. I'm sorry. I can unsay anything I want and you will not tell me what I can and cannot say.

Next question, Dr. Professor. I think, well, I think the straightest time to have a birthday is the winter because it implies that you were like, I think of someone who was like born like a wolf in a pile of snow and had to survive as a little baby. That's the only straight way to be born. It sounds like a way that you're trying to make you seem more straight yourself.

You seem like you're trying to compensate. Exactly. I knew why this defense was coming. The straightest birthday you could have is that you don't know your birthday because you're an orphan and they don't have your records anymore. If you know your birthday because you're an orphan and they don't have your records anymore.

If you know your birthday, you're gay. If you were not thrown down a chute at the local fire station. If you know your social security number the day you were born, you're gay. If you know your social security number by heart, you're gay. You should have to look it up.

I don't know. You should know it by muscle. Pure muscle. A gay man who uses almost all of his federal documents constantly. Yeah. I would say it's kind of more gay to not know. Mm-hmm. I would agree.

Weird. Like, like you know classic gay classic gay bureaucratic incompetence really good at doing that stuff is straight because it means you have your life under control which is what a man should do anyways look if you want to know what a man should do

he should have his life under control speaking of that number 40 it is work a 9 to 5. Yeah, okay. Let me break it down for you. Dolly Parton is a country singer. She had a movie called 9 to 5. She's a very effeminate, flamboyant symbol for the gay community.

If you work a job that is the literal embodiment of a movie that's a blonde woman with big boobs. It's really for the gay culture. That movie's crazy. There's a scene in that movie I've actually never seen it. Oh my god, you've never? It's so good. There's a scene where Dolly Parton literally hunts down her boss and shoots

him in the head execution style with a rifle. But it's a dream sequence. That's insane. Either way, that way that's pretty I've seen little whorehouse in Texas which is amazing the best Dolly Parton song is hard candy Christmas okay guys the next one

I have no clue what this means but maybe you guys will know this is another one where the source material is really peeking through um 41 not be like pookie and ray ray okay what does that who is pookie and who's ray ray i'm assuming that people who are at least regionally known regionally what region what fucking region are you what fucking region

are you referencing you know my ass is not like pookie and ray ray it's not like pookie and ray ray gay as hell by not knowing who pookie and ray ray is does that make me automatically oh pookie pookies and ray rays are a stereo stereotypical type of man um they lack ambition they usually don't have a decent job or income. So this is more like an archetype of man. Can I please read the Urban Dictionary definition? No, I literally just did. I don't think you did because I'm reading it.

I did, Jock. I did. Number 42 is... I'm allowed to not believe. No, number 42 is... I completely agree with this one as well um number 42 is take selfies take selfies yeah yeah of course that's fucking gay straight men don't need records of their vainness because they're fucking straight they're men they know that they

if you take a picture they're on the other side they're they shouldn't have to know what they look like vampires are kind of adjacent i mean vampires man the same thing goes with vampires are gay but i mean like also because they're you can't see them in a mirror it kind of gives them a straight edge i'm confused myself yeah no it's okay i think taking a selfie is absolutely gay yeah of course i think only women should be allowed to do it. Only gay men should be allowed to do it. Unless you take it in, like, a really straight way. There are sometimes straight guys who do take selfies that I'm like, okay, respect.

Strong. Because it looked like they took it with, like, a microwave or something. Fact. Strong masculine men don't take selfies. They have portraits taken of them. Yeah, they have oil paintings. They have a lithograph. Like Abraham.

They have a daguerreotype. Look, a very masculine guy. They only take them after you're dead. Look, very, very masculine guy. You can stand still. Very, very straight masculine guy. Big beard, tall hat, very big, broad shoulders. Very masculine guy. Very straight masculine guy. Big beard.

Tall hat. Very big broad shoulders. He had portraits taken of him. Folks, Abraham Lincoln. Straight icon. Abraham Lincoln was gay as hell. He was like gay as fuck. I think you must be talking about some guy on a grinder named Abraham that you met. Being murdered in a theater is gay.

Yeah, why were you in the theater watching a play? Why were you watching a play? And someone killed you for being so... Someone killed him? He said something, he said, ew, and then shot him. Ew. He was being, he was... Ew, that tall hat is so

fucking posh ew gross alright this is I want to end it here with this one because I this was one of my favorites and then we've got an amazing run to re-enter on um the number 43 is drive an acura or a jetta oh my god all of my siblings drive jetta's

every one of them jetta is a gay and they all have a a gay car. They all have matching Jettas, but even the gayer Volkswagen car... So your whole family is gay. The gayest... The gayest Volkswagen car, which both of my... No, shut up. Shut up. The gayest Volkswagen car, which both of my sisters had in the

early 90s, is the Volkswagen Cabrio convertible. It is... Oh, yeah. What does that one look like? I've seen it. It looks like a little ladybug. It's so funny. It's so funny.

It's so cute. Acura is gay as well. My grandma has an Acura. This is also like, what's the not gay car? And the not gay car is a tank. Yeah. Also trucks. Trucks are not gay.

Trucks, yeah, trucks are not gay. What are you, stupid? I put a picture of the cabrio in case you couldn't find it, Hessa. Oh, that's so cute. I know, it's a very cute car. It's cool. No, my sister had like more nine when i was a kid i had a phase where like it was like clear i was gay but everything was like last grasp

um kind of hail mary for my parents to be like oh my god he has like a he wants to do like a boy thing and my boy thing was like i got really into cars right and they're like oh my god he loves cars yes like he loves cars he's straight cars but the way it was like the way was the way in which my gay ass was into cars is that i would draw them which was already gay to begin with but i would only draw one type of car and talk incessantly about how much i loved this type of car and it was the miata i was obsessed i was i was obsessed with miatas when i was like six and i would draw them so fucking and talk about how much i wanted to drive a Miata when I grew up. I had straighter car interests when I was younger.

I wanted an El Camino. I thought that was the coolest car I'd ever seen. That's a pretty straight car. Or that's like a butch-like chola. In the same way that a Miata is really gay, what is that? Miata's one of the gayest cars. Well, listen, in the same way that a Miata is really gay, what is that? Listen, in the same way, what is that gay kind of liquor that

people would drink, or like that gay kind of drink that, I think it begins with a Z that people would drink in the 90s. Zima. Zima. See, that's very adjacent. You drive a Miata, you only drink Zima. You drive a Miata and drink a Zima, absolutely. Yes. What is Zima yes is it just like vodka

I don't remember before my time it tastes very similar to a Smirnoff Ice the last time I tried it okay grams okay grandpa hey look the Great Depression was really hard on me I was 7 years old drinking

alcohol and laughing okay but there are literal pictures of me being a one and two year old baby or younger than that drinking beer like several like my sisters played a game when they were younger had a beer at one year old yes there's several pictures my yes my sisters would prop me up and let me drink a beer and take a picture of it and there it's you can tell it's going in my mouth my mom said she would give me little sips of corona when i was younger and corona is probably a very unruly child so corona was my favorite is my favorite beer of all times And my mom My sister's wedding is next week And my mom got me Corona Zeros for the wedding

While I DJ Because it's been a year plus It's been a year plus now Since I drank alcohol It's a little special So special Y'all shut the fuck up Y'all my mommy fuck up with that queer ass talk.

Y'all, my mommy got me Corona Zeros. Hey, y'all. I just wanted to share a little special moment. You two fucking suckers. I think it's really cute. Can I come to the wedding? No, it's cute. No.

I tried to invite my roommates to the wedding, and my sister said no. There's too many people. She knows me. By the way, y'all. By the way, she sent me ahead of time a list of all the requests. Her friends and her made a Google Doc.

Let's keep in mind this is a free episode. I'm not saying their names but the sum of the song requests But I will say the location. I will say the location. I will say. I will say I was shocked that someone had the audacity to request R. Kelly in 2023 at a wedding.

And I had to have a just ignition. Of course, it was ignition. Of course, you got to play ignition. Yeah, that's fine. All right. Thank you so much for listening. We are only about a third of the way through this list. So we will finish it up.

We'll invite a guest on. We may try to find a man who is literally straight. Yeah, it's going to be hard. Join us. It's going to be hard. But I think, look, if you know anyone out there who's straight and wants to do this, I'm going to tell you right now, if you listen

to this podcast, you are not coming on. What about Will? So we can get like Will Sennett, maybe? If you ever hire me to DJ your wedding, please don't request John Mayer ahead of time. This is kind of like a no for me, dog. Can you guys hear me? Can you guys hear me yeah we can i'm just choosing to ignore you my mic my mic is being annoying again so let's wrap it up

right here before we have to make another edit um you can listen to us on patreon where we have at least one all we every week or two sometimes three if you're spicy enough. We have a lot of different content. We have videos. We have a movie. You can find that all there at patreon.com slash seeking derangements. Follow us on Instagram for our meme page and follow us on Twitter for

Follow our seeking derangements TikTok for behind the scenes of not only our seeking derangements lives, but personally my burger restaurant life where I am going to be conducting an interview soon with some of the people I work with who one of them believes that witches are trapped in cats.

One of them thinks that every time that a girl looks at the line of kitchen line. Hey, don't shoot the whole wad too quickly there. I'm shooting everything. I'm shooting people. All right, guys. That's a direct threat from Josh. No, no, no. I'm not shooting anyone. No, no.

If you dig in what you're doing, go right on. Doing what you're doing, go right on doing what you're digging. Thank you. You may as well Keep on doing What you're digging But life is fast Life is short Keep on doing What you're digging Cause it's your life