Seeking Derangements - SD 231 - Ya Man's Gay Pt. 2 w/ Will Sennet & Nate Fisher

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

We are back with another installment of THE GAY LIST and as promised we found the straightest guys we know to help us out. Listen to Will and Nate's podcast A Closer Look (Hesse is featured there as well) Also subscribe to our Patreon for weekly bonus content.

Love, love, love Love is a natural thing Love, love, love Love is a nut, you're all for him of a special episode today. We're dipping back into the infamous gay list, also known as the list masculine men aren't allowed to do according to social media. But before we get there, I do have two people to introduce. We last time talked about how we needed straight men in the room to verify these claims, whether or not it comports with their actual lives, if maybe they're gay,

if they'll be finding some stuff out today, it might be revelatory for everyone involved. But we've got Nate Fisher and Will Sennett here of Closer Look Podcast. Welcome, guys. Thanks for coming. Thank you so much for having us. We will not be finding out anything about ourselves, however. Maybe. We fully know.

Having a podcast might be on here it may be on here yeah is it you're we're gonna learn so much about you i already know you two are straight because we ordered y'all from stock x and y'all came authenticated straight um which was pretty incredible honestly i didn't know you could buy them like that. But anyway, 9.5 rating, a 9.5 straightness rating near mint. That's true. We were, we were made, we were made in a Bhutan and anything,

any, any products made in Bhutan confirmed straight. Yes. In accordance with their government. If we further need to prove our straightness, uh, I just saw to the corner of my eye that a commercial for, uh, the Chris Hemsworth extraction movie sequel released.

And under my breath, without thinking, I whispered, fuck. I heard it. a commercial for the Chris Hemsworth extraction movie sequel. Okay. Released. And under my breath, without thinking, I whispered. I heard it. I heard it vividly. In the microphone. Uncontrollable straightness.

Uncontrollable. Reflexive. Yeah. He was, he almost fell off a building. It was pretty cool. Because he's straight? I started acting like a cartoon wolf. You see see when gay guys are on tops of buildings they pose with ease on right near the edge and they will never

almost fall off well there's a reason they called them poofters it's because they would often poofed off the side of a building yeah it's kind of like a Mary Poppins situation last time we got through some of some of the biggest heavy hitters in the game here I mean we had number one eat a banana

26 eat a hot dog 28 or you shouldn't which has been one of my longtime favorites it is incredibly game on order to start. We also had some like 40, which is work a 9 to 5. Oh yeah, no, absolutely. I totally agree.

My favorites were the one-two punch of crying. 18 cry, 19 not cry. You just have to be perpetually misty yeah you have to get right to the precipice yeah you have to be one of those people and then just be like you yeah yeah yeah actually the the the perfect middle ground is just muttering under your kill yourself fucking kill yourself that's my baseline for all activities so yeah that's that straight guy jazz right there that's not the straight guys

scat um but we've got fuck fuck wish i was dead to get to i mean last episode when i was looking at this list we had about 380 to go to since that time this guy has been really putting in the work and it's nearing 500 hey he's trying to protect the women out there from their men being gay it does kind of oh is this another guy's list that you found it's a guy on twitter who whenever anyone on twitter is like eating desserts is mad sus or whatever he he's been cataloging them and i found this list because people were like retweeting it and shit and then i started following this guy and he takes like i don't he puts so much work into cataloging well he's a man ben and we're stealing of course he does i want to ask him on i want to get the list keeper on it he's a masculinity investigator

there's personally yeah personally i don't know uh y'all reading another man's list i think if you're reading a if you're going all the way through a whole man's list what more do you want to know about it also begs the question is keeping the list gay i feel like keeping a list of gay behaviors is yeah i feel like this is like al pacino and cruising yeah oh my god it's a it's that exact double standard you're walking a tightrope line so last time last time the way we did it, I read through them. And as a kind of internal contest to see who's gayest, we, us three said whether or not we've personally committed any of these acts. Committed any of these crimes. We're going to do it for you guys as well. So at the end of the episode, I guess you'll be able to find out which one is gay or sorry to tell you.

Well, we are both going to score zero. So that's actually really perfect. On the Kinsleyley scale y'all are on the gay list john cena um unfortunately i am the lead right now at 39 hess you're at 38 jock you're at 35 but what does that mean that means the amount of things that you've done on this list are the least gay yeah you're the least gay currently jock is the least fuck him i swear i hate hanging out with this fucking fag and that fucking fag the both of them drive me crazy it's so refreshing to be around some boys boys y'all come on let's pump it up let's pump it up let's pump it up y'all got some beers open them up

straight thing to say to pump it jams um all right pump it up let's pump it up i got some beers open them up obviously straight thing to say to pump it jams um all right pump it up dude the last one the one we ended with last time was uh drive an acura or a jetta the jetta is if your car doesn't look like it's out of minecraft you're gay gay as hell when i was in high school i used to call audis the gay car audis are gay yeah audis pretty gay i think it's not a miata let's get let's get right to it because these next two are very very good one quick question for the boys uh do you know gay people or associate with them in your real lives? We know them. We keep them at arm's length.

Yeah. Godfather 2, Michael Corleone. If we see him on the street, we'll say what's up. They ain't coming in the house. I just need to gauge where you're at with this so I can make sure that you're not. It's one of those things where it's like, I'm fine with you being gay. Just don't make me look at it. Yes.

Don't flaunt your lifestyle. It's a classic debate. Be gay in your house and don't do it on the street. That's why they sell houses near Antique District. Come on. We go to every Pride event in the neighborhood and we just kind of tisk under our breath. Yeah, yeah.

Be gay in your house, not the park where I'm doing pull-ups on the monkey. Exactly. Oh my God. All right, let's get to it yeah yeah be gay at your house not the park where i'm doing pull-ups on the monkey exactly oh my god all right let's get to it because i i love this one this one is amazing um number 44 is block women block oh yeah oh yeah on social media i don't i'm assuming they don't mean physically block women because that that's pretty straight to like not let a woman if you're rushing the qb i don't care who you are yeah exactly he's been a center since he was five do you have if i've blocked a woman in my entire lifetime i have to submit to the truth and say i did yeah block so many women, Jacques. You've definitely done this. You've had listeners DM us, like,

can Jacques please unblock me? I don't know what I did. Yeah, don't come at me in the Twitter comments wrong, okay? That's what that means. I've probably blocked a woman. I recently have blocked a couple dogs on Instagram because I don't fuck with their owners.

Hell yeah. That's probably really gay. That's gotta be on the list, yeah. That's the really gay. That's got to be on the list. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Block Bella Hadoodle on Instagram. Oh my god. No. Did you guys see that

Harajuku bitch died? Paris Hilton's 25 year old youthful dog. God. R.I.P. Hasid, you blocked a woman online? Paris Hilton's 25-year-old youthful dog. God. R.I.P. I know.

Has, have you blocked a woman online? I'm sure I have. I'm sure I have. Yeah, you have. You have. All right, boys. What have you? Come on, be honest. Have you blocked a woman?

Yeah, unfortunately, yes, I have done that several times. Yeah. Yeah, no, I blocked an ESPN football anchor for saying that my team was bad and she was a woman. That's probably the straightest reason to block a woman. That's the straightest way to go about it. Let me ask you this. Yes, we'll call that a wash.

I've blocked a lot of A24 stands. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that should be worth like three points. What about how many of, yeah, we could take some points off if you have blocked a girl that you... You fucked a woman you fucked. So I guess if it's for sexual reasons. But yeah, if like a woman you've had sex with

is being mean to you, you like, you don't block, you know. Yeah, why are you blocking a woman? And also letting a woman be mean to you letting a woman be yeah yeah okay whoa whoa whoa whoa ears off or letting a woman be nice to you that's also the other end of the spectrum y'all are chauvinist come on number 45 is block wood from your private story which again makes having a private having a private yeah yeah yeah no i think i think that that's normal i'm like i don't want like the person i like the

separation of close friends i feel like that was that one was a woman who was mad about something yeah like literally this guy is gay for blocking me out of his private story because he was probably cheating on her or something and she was like salty about it well you can tell a lot of these are pulled from the same twitter threads because they kind of escalate the premise because 40 46 have a private story in the first place so it's just the guy keeping this yeah just the guy keeping this list going through it and like being mad at women who are mad at their boyfriends and the women when they're mad at all their boyfriends gay it's like oh my god he's on a fucking private story talking shit about me faggot okay well that's that's a point for me because i don't have a private story that i use on instagram yeah yeah i mean i i have one but i

never use it you mean like the green circle thing? Yeah, close friends. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I use that. It's gay to have it. I use it to invite people to poker nights. Yeah. See, again, I thought it was a private. Where'd you get these two gutter balls?

But then I realized I was just putting Rorschach memes out to everybody who follows me. Which fucking sucks. You give someone your number and the first thing they send you is a Rorschach test or whatever. I'd flip out. I'd scare the hell out of you. I'd scare the living fuck out of me.

I'm already being investigated. Nate and Will, they don't even know that's a comic book character. They don't even know.'s a comic book character they don't even know oh that's awesome you guys are really walking the walk we walk a lot of walks sashay perhaps

walk in the stroll 47 here is go 50-50 on dinner splitting oh i fully agree that this is a gay thing and let me explain fully okay if i'm on a date with a woman i'm paying for the date and i don't care if that sounds chauvinistic but like i feel like that's the that is what society says is right and i'm gonna do what you call it chauvinistic. I call it being raised right.

Yeah, I call it being a gentleman or a gentle thing. I am extremely mendacious. I like to make sure every penny is accounted for on the dinner bill. And there will be Venmo requests in the future. So I'm going to go ahead and take the point on this one. Okay. Two to one now? I think it's three to one think it's oh no i have a private story too yeah we stay winning so not ass um i feel like i'll pay for the the dinner but she's got to wash the

dishes yes my bro go to that kitchen watch those. I'm 48. Not be the leader in the friend group. Oh. No one wants to be. You want to see a fight happen right now? I'm the leader. This is tough because... No, I'm the leader. No, I allow you to take charge on certain things that I can't be bothered with.

No, that's not true. I let you say what restaurants are good. I pick every restaurant. He lets you say what restaurants are good? Y'all are gay. No. I pick every restaurant.

I always plan the route out. He doesn't know how to get anywhere. I'm the guy with the maps. You guys sound like you're in love with each other. Yeah, like all of our listeners and all of your girlfriends are going to hear this. So, no need to incriminate

yourselves on here. We're trying to actually support your straightness here. As our lawyer, yeah, you're saying that we should probably shut the fuck up. Well, look, I don't want... I want to like y'all, you know? And... But if you're too gay, then Jock won't be able to... If you're too gay, I'm going to flip out.

I've already been jaunted this weekend. I can't take any more from you two strangers. No offense. I mean, you guys, it doesn't seem like someone's gonna take it seems like there's probably a third I think Nate gets

Nate gets the point end of conversation I I think this one is an N-A for both of us I think this one is asking for a tie

that is gay I think that's not true I think both of you I think both of you are taking the point because it sounds like there's a mysterious

third person who you are both subservient to who is out of control. Just by my quick observation, I feel like the one with the longer hair has to be in control of things. That's right. Excuse me. That's right. What is that?

You fucking rat tail Anakin ass. I have had a mullet for far longer than you have. I've had a mullet for far longer than you have phantom no phantom menace uh tiny cut counts i can dude i can fucking go outside and and find nine women with your hair why does it matter that does it and you do and you do every day date I take Anakin when I can have Kenobi? Are you joking? Does it matter? Number 49. Wait, hold on.

Go ahead. I wanted to ask real quick, does it matter that my girlfriend cuts both of our hair? Oh, okay. That's kind of the leadership mentality. Honestly, maybe the girlfriend is the leader. She's the leader, it seems. She's kind of the leadership mentality. Honestly, maybe the girlfriend is the leader. She's the leader, it seems. She's kind of the nefarious wizard.

Controlled by women. She's the nefarious wizard. Controlled by women. Shadow Thunder women. Well, they're straight, but they're simps. All right, so we both take the point there. We both take the point. 4-2.

Y'all are going to take more than a point. Oh, come on. Oh, my God come on i'm sorry let's calm down number 49 number 49 is giggle oh yeah this is we sit there we giggle over the other day the other day for four hours we were just laughing at star wars names oh dude we were just laughing at Star Wars names. Oh, dude. We were just sitting there and then being like, holy shit, Salacious Crumb. You remember Salacious Crumb? Salacious Crumb is a name? Oh, Google him. Google him.

He looks so funny. Are you confusing a Harry Potter character? Because I don't believe that. No, Salacious Crumb. No, no. We were on point that J.K. Rowling's names are trash. Their first draft names, every single one. Really, really pathetic.

In Star Wars, you got Count Dooku. Count Dooku! Not this pod racing bullshit. This is a Jabba. Sabalba, God. What in the dark crystal faggotry? I cannot believe I'm...

Have you not seen Star Wars believe have you not seen star wars have you not seen star wars look i don't think you should discriminate against me because you think i'm some kind of queer or something yeah i've seen damn star wars i remember when phantom menace came out and i went to the theaters to go see it it's a beautiful film you ever heard of that that's a star wars and yet you missed Salacious Crumb. You missed Salacious Crumb. He doesn't remember a lot of things. Look, look, look.

I'm sorry I didn't remember this dark crystal reject of a character. I'm looking at his pictures. Are y'all related to him? You don't like Sebulba? What the hell's a Sebulba? Oh, only the Dale Earnhardt Sr. of pod racing. Are you kidding me?

Gone too soon. Oh, I love Sebulba. Are you kidding me? Sebulba should have won. See, look, add an extra point to the thing. No one's Star Wars names is hella gay. Sebulba? Yeah, all right. All alright. So two points.

Both of us, six to four. Six four. There's a lot of, unfortunately, audio evidence of me giggling like a little girl. He's worse than Ben Shapiro. Me too.

Probably I'm the worst giggler on the pod, I would say. I i'm the worst giggler on the pod i would say yeah yeah i'm just the worst giggler on the pod 50 this one is this one is related to an earlier one which was uh blow on uh hot liquids before you consume them um but it's more just fundamental 50 is eat soup period eat soup at all it makes you gay oh dude i i crush soup yeah soup i eat soup all the time but i disagree i feel like russian authors yeah like toasty probably had soup all the time toasty probably had so much my boy toasty um gorgeous girls love soup famously

i mean yeah it's it's a female especially if it's like a gazpacho you said tulsa like you're from memphis uh 51 look for your glasses slash desire to see yes but like were they saying

that because they watched Scooby-Doo and they suddenly thought Velma was gay? I've never heard a man be like, oh my god, have you seen my glasses? That's never happened. Yeah, we both have rock solid I have perfect vision that I don't really care. I just like, I'm not going to because I'll fry my eyes with no desire to see.

I barely use it. I fry my eyes watching sports. Yeah yeah sight was something that was thrust upon yeah yeah yeah yeah women who dropped their other words women who dropped their glasses are performing a mating call so it's different than when men do it yeah yeah desire to see it's just another one i love like this style uh escalation the clear the escalation but then also just like the just complete it like having a sensory experience on any most basic level oh why do you want to see because you want to see some cock it's like men really can't do anything it's i'm sure one of them i'm sure one of them on there has to be taking a bite of

something and going a bite of cock absolutely yeah absolutely um okay the next one we've got here is be abstinent this one is definitely gay why don't you want to fuck women damn yeah yeah oh i totally agree if you're not chasing strange, you are strange. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think this one is actually gay? Anyone who's abstinent is. They're hiding a deep, dark secret. I went to Catholic high school, and we had abstinence class.

Where they were just like hammering at home. That's got to be a point. That's got to be a point. I didn't fucking subscribe to it. I didn't subscribe to it. I went to the bathroom and broke shit. I was smoking in the bag of abs

in his closet. I went to the bathroom and I was giving the hairdryer the fucking business. You were climbing on the wall. And then he would go in the bathroom with a chair and just like fuck fuck the hair dryer yeah I feel like that doesn't count I feel like just merely

being in absence yeah you did you had the straightest response um yeah cool so it's still seven to five seven five is that where we are I've never I've never committed absence. You've never not fucked at any point in your life? No, no, no, no.

There was this four months, and it was miserable because that's an absence. That counts, though. Four months, and I didn't have sex, and then I got crabs at the end of it. Oh, I remember this. Oh, no. I remember this. Yeah. That was horrible.

That is a thing you see a lot of adults saying I feel like now is being like I'm being abstinent right now. Yeah. They start talking about being ace. Or volsel.

Volsel. It's all gay in the way that being... It's gay in the way that gay is annoying. It's like, shut up. Get out of here. Next one, be short. This is a classic one. Be short.

I'm very tall. 5'10". I'm 7'1". Alright. Clearly 5'10". Everybody can see that how much how much elevation change there just was when i stood up is looking multiple people in the eye and lying your ass off of fucking on the list yeah no being deceptive in any way

excuse me judge but i think it only i did not fib i'd like to speak to the judge i think it's only fair that they're sentenced to two more points for saying the words s elevation i think using is fine i think use it's fine i think using i think using uppity vocabulary like that should be considered look look if having but that's how you having a stellar vocabulary yes if having a stellar vocabulary makes me gay then i'm hosting this show now i'm sorry oh so we got a couple um i'm i'm the height almost every gay man is which is uh unbearable eight yeah also unbearable it's a horrible existence being a five eight nothing special about it gay guys are best when they're like gay guys have the best life when they're at either end if you're like a 5'6 gay guy

you are fucking getting thrown around partying having the best time and then if you're thrown around like in Wolf of Wall Street when they're throwing the dwarves and if you're if you're like

over 6 foot it's you're just drowning in an ass but most of us are five eight we make it work somehow the next one here well jock how tall are you you're five ten i am actually seven three you are the exact same height of yaoming um damn dude i'm 5 11 you're not 5 11 she's 9 11 we are the exact same height as uh i hate see this is you don't y'all don't even understand since y'all are in the straight community what dealing with these two kind of fags every day is like, it's tolling. It's a huge toll. You live a very privileged life with your, your strength.

50, 55 is, um, high, have a high Snapchat score. And then 56 related, have Snapchat at all. I don't have Snapchat.

Don't have it. I don't have Snapchat. I barely even know what a Snapchat score is. Me neither. So, uh, last, last had it when I think Obama was president.

Yeah, same. Wow, we all breezed through that. We're being so straight, right? Hell yeah. Yeah, we're so cool. 57, wear flip-flops. Oh. Easy.

One of the easiest calls. Don't do that. No, no. I'm getting athletes for it. I go to the pool. I get the crustiest, most disgusting feet of all time at the pool. And I love it. It's great. In flip-flops or without

flip-flops? Without flip-flops. That sounds strange. You don't look like ground beef after a pool day. You're gay. My feet look like solid limestone. Yeah, I don't really wear flip-flops either. I guess, wow, look at us. We're like Frankie Valli in the Four Seasons here.

I'm horny as hell right now. I'm currently wearing a flip-flop, but they're my house shoes. If you have house shoes, you're gay. That's just more like old lady than gay. You can't abulate your way out of this. I'm slippered up at all times yeah yeah i mean that's and that's very grand grand maternity i freak out grand maternal around my my apartment and bare feet i hate the sensation of it that's maybe that's an autism one um let's see 58 wear earrings

especially those dangly cross ones oh my my god. See, I think this is bi. This is like categorically just annoying bi guy to me. Oh, but yeah, they're performatives. That's what the Lost Boys did. You know, the vampires have always had... That's a good point for saying it's not gay. Jock, thank you.

You're very welcome. That's what the Lost Boys did. I do a lot of research before these episodes to make sure that I'm well-versed. This is going to be one I legitimately disagree with because it is just being bi. But I guess being bi is also being gay. Come right back around to it.

Square rectangle. Yeah. Hessa, you have a dangly little cross earring I've seen you wear a couple times. I don't have... My beers aren't earring. I've seen you wear a couple of times. I don't have my beers aren't pure. You're such a liar. I would argue, but cause Barry Bonds had a dangly cross.

Ah, shit. Yeah. He had fucking dingers. He's right up there on the wall over there. We got a Barry Bonds. That's your accountant or something. Barry Bonds with bonds and accountants.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Counting up to 762 home runs accountants? Yeah. Exactly. He's a accountant up to 762 home runs. The all-time king. 59 look too responsible. I agree. I totally agree.

She was capitalized. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, we look like shit. We look really bad. No, you guys looked actually pretty normal. I was surprised. I wouldn't say i wouldn't say we dressed up we put on our nice shirts yeah you're not wearing yeah we're in our church clothes yeah yeah yeah i don't know i can kind of see the back of their apartment

clear on this one i do not look responsible at all i like gay disney villain gay bond villain menacing i'm so fine on this front. I look like a spring break nightmare. You don't look responsible at all. At all. Prom night, let's go. You're probably the most responsible looking out of us. Yeah, maybe. But also, that's a pretty low

bar to clear. You have Latina grifter Betty Boop and the M&M incarnate. That's very true. The pale M&M. The flesh M&M. The palest shade of M&M.

That's my favorite. 60, know what your birth certificate is. I agree not a clue I lost that shit years ago losing it is the straightest thing imaginable

having no traceable identity because you've lost all of your documents the straightest guy you can be is the man with no name from the group that had the album Hessa's gay ass just pulled out her birth certificate? She had it on it in her

fucking pocket. Damn, dude. That's how my name stands. I mean, my mommy has mine, but if I went to her house, I wouldn't be able to find it. But I know it's at my mommy's house. I think my mom has mine as well because she knew not to give me any of my documents. That's

pretty straight to have. My social security card is in a pair and one basketball shorts in my bedroom. Fucking somewhere. My social security card is somewhere in my Pokemon cards. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. You both avoid a point there.

61. Get blackout drunk. Oh, I haven't drank in a year so I feel like with this it depends what you do when you get blackout drunk I've blacked out drunk so many times so of course I've passed this test see when I think of like stereotypical male things to do when blackout

drunk they're all pretty gay I mean there's like tell your friends how much you love them cry have gay sex. Get into a fight. Yep. Grinder. Text every woman you've ever met.

Yeah. Yeah. Just text him the link to dance with the devil by immortal. No comment. No. That's so based. Damn. I didn't know this. this sorry my friend stole my phone oh i'm texting your girl hops and lyrics at three get them two extra points for referencing a

mortal technique it's a very straight thing to do yeah literally extremely they probably go to a tech nine concert or a sublime concert there yeah i Yeah, I love Tech N9ne. Got him. I got these boys in my sights. You said Tech N9ne and all the hairs on my neck. Well, I haven't actually blacked out. I have blacked out drinking Caribou Lou in college. Yeah, I mean, that's

just like that's fully female. That's not even gay. Woman shit. For sure. Don't be gay. Woman shit. For sure. Don't be gay about this shit. Jim Ben might be a woman if he's getting black out on Malibu.

Alright, should we get to the next one? Has he blacked out drunk? Yeah, I've been blacked out drunk all the time. I've actually never been blacked out drunk. I've browned out. I've browned out. I have browned out. Let me testify to that. I have a crystal clear memory blackout drunk yeah browned out really i browned out i have browned out but i i know i have so

let me testify to that a crystal memory of most things that happen when i'm drunk and that's bullshit nights in new orleans where ben has been lost in the sauce and and doesn't doesn't remember his transactions no one time he y'all one time he pushed me in a puddle and i was wearing furry crocs you stepped in the puddle we're not doing this we're not doing this yay because give him an extra point you're obsessed with wearing crocs which are a plastic shoe but you get the only style of crocs that has a different material in them that acts like a sponge like fur lined crocs it's like a gun made out of knives. That's crazy.

Hey, hey, hey. We invited you guys here. That's a point for you, though, Ben. Yeah. Next one. Have too many guys follow you. Oh, no. I knew from his long hair that a bunch of guys follow him. I have actually a funny story about that. So one of my friends on Twitter, a gay man,

he posted his Instagram following breakdown. Oh, yeah. By sex. And he's like a hot, you know, a hot gay guy. And his was 80% men, 20% women. And I was like, damn, that is that crazy I wonder I wonder what my numbers are and I went and I looked and mine was a 90% men 10% so he is a gay I'm putting up like beef jerky numbers as a fact central it's crazy yeah that's point for you for women I

have no followers and love following gay men on social media. Yeah. I have a lot of women following me. I think mine are... I haven't checked in a while, but I had a lot of bitches on there. It was like 40, 40-some percent women. But is it negated by the fact

that I have barely any women following me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because women have no interest in seeing you. Well, it's because you're a comedian and women aren't funny.

Yeah, women aren't funny. Y'all have girlfriends? They're like, he's being serious. Everything they say, he's like, oh, he's being serious. But y'all got girlfriends? Nate does. Yeah. Straight.

Okay, so what's up? Then what's going on with long hair? No? Me? Yeah. No. does yeah straight okay so what's up then what's going on with long hair no me yeah no uh no one will ever love this old fucking toad this old i can relate okay continue sorry just need to clarify um uh so eight eight to seven is that eight seven no eight six that wasn't a point that was a point for you you have a point 90 you. You have 190,000 guys following you, and they all want to hug you really hard.

We're at 7A right now, right? Yes. Next one. It's neck and neck. It's neck and neck. There's one on here coming up. Anyways, okay. 66 is say

the fuck but it's spelled TF so I feel like it's like when you're typing you're like the fuck no no never no I say what I mean I never say that yeah I never I say with my chest no no I always I type out laughing my ass off

every time damn y'all are old school No, I type out laughing my ass off every time. Damn, y'all are old school. We're old heads, yeah. I am laughing my ass off, period. Yep, absolutely. Say the fuck. Hyphen signed Nate.

All right, you're both. Yeah, Nate signs all of his texts like he's Hulk Hogan. Yep. The next one here. Drink Malibu. Well, I did just admit to that. Also, I thought that was exclusively the purview of Jewish girls. Can I say something about the Malibu? Your man might be a Jewish woman if he

drinks Malibu, y'all. I didn't try Malibu until I was 29, so I feel like that doesn't count. That's probably true. Yeah. You're opted out, I think, of this one. Look, I'm from Louisiana.

We try to keep traditional. Are you drinking daiquiris? No. Look, I'm from Louisiana. I've never had an elephant. We try to keep traditional. Are you drinking daiquiris? No. Daiquiris are pretty good. Drinking a red slushie with an enormous worm in it. Man, fuck yeah. They're drinking salt water. This is my family's personal cocktail called the Sarlacc.

Shut the fuck up, man. They got my ass. Wait, can we tell them the story about the alligator? When you went to visit and there was like a gator in the swamp and Jacques was like, get in there. Maybe this was when we were at Avery Island and we were kayaking around and I walked up and there were these like little Cajun boys like literally wearing

overalls and like chewing on hay and they were like let's go they were like don't go in there there's Montserrat and I was like what the fuck is Montserrat and it was me with like three gay guys and a woman, like all Yankees, like from New York City. And then Ja came up and was like,

don't listen to those boys, they're liars. They're lying to you about Montserrat. Montserrat was like a 12-foot alligator that had eaten half their family. And I was like, Jesus Christ. You don't have to fuck with them gators not with monster you know you know if you actually if you actually have cajun prepared loch ness monster it's very delicious all right the next one here the next one here there's a lot of transportation ones and i feel

like this this is the most fundamental ride any kind of scooter scooter has got to get around you will not yeah definitely no i i throw i i do throw those in the dumpster yeah yeah they used to put them in an alley behind my house and i would just like throw them all in the dump my friend used to always put them in the river um yeah that's sick that's sick it's like any it could be a razor scooter or it could be you know the fagio a razor scooter is really bad a razor scooter is really bad and rid of scooters that's like humiliating yeah that is just humiliating because you also have to hunch down to ride it i'm sorry but let me bring a little defense to that um okay let's hear it

owen wilson's character in zoolander rode a razor scooter and he was very straight he was like yeah that's so true great i looked i remember that i was like i want to be like him when i grow up and look what you are now he's so hot right now damn so we are we still at seven nine for you guys are you claiming it you've yes ridden a scooter before come on yeah i mean i used to have a razor as a child because the razor you know doesn't really count because yeah as a child that that yeah you get a pass a grown man on a yeah because that's what i was it was being gay indoctrinated by my parents yeah yeah they were just getting me they were getting me toys it was like you have to gay indoctrinated by my mom

was them putting a red beret on me a mink pelt on my she put a a mink pelt wrapped around my around my neck

and then put me in front of a tiny piano I'm like you're not oh no dude you never stood a chance you were getting

you were getting like like FDR you get the FDR treatment and you're put in dresses. She was like, Jock, you're going to be the next Liberace. Did she have a bet with her friends or something? Look at my boy. He's the new Bayou Elton John Boogaloo.

Exactly. My boy's going to be the next Divine. And he is. Yeah, I am though. I'm just as fat. It's crazy. yeah I am though I'm just as fat it's crazy

be okay the next one here is be a Gemini oh fuck my birthday is two days ago not me not me I'm a Libra

Leo Cus or not Libra so Nate you're a Gemini May 27th I turned 30 two days ago. Oh, happy birthday. I remember.

Thank you. Yeah. It's also. Oh, happy birthday. Should clarify. Born in between late May, John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. Knowing other men's birthdays. Also me.

Knowing other men's birthdays. Gay as hell. Gay as hell. Two points. Dave, you're running away with this one I like it Yeah I'll take it You know what

I'm winning I wanna win now My competitive instinct is kicking in No no no This is golf Low score win No no no High score baby

No no no This is golf This is like Frogger dude You can't just make up rules This is Frogger No it's not I'm gonna get my I'm gonna put my name at the top

No Three letters N-A-T No Yep Nat That's a girl's name Keep it up the rear dude get my name. I'm going to put my name at the top. Three letters. N-A-T. No. Nat. That's a girl's name. Keep it up the rear, dude. Enjoy last place.

Slow poke. Knowing your star sign to begin with is gay. You have to do that as a straight man dating women in Los Angeles. You're going to find out. It's like when soldiers get captured and they're being tortured and they just say

their name, their last name and the regiment that they're in, they're just, they're just hitting us in the face with like a, a, a sock full of nickels. We're just going to Gemini sun. Yeah.

Gemini sun. Leo moon. Stop talking all that star fag shit come on we gotta we got a gay test to be administering all right hey wait just to clear last time last episode there was one that was um be a man born in the springtime which the next one is use Burt's Bees oh wait I don't have Burt's Bees you don't remember

bees in oh damn okay well do you guys ever yeah do you guys ever bees in college I've never bees I heard of it

but I it's where yeah it's where you take Burt's Bees and you rub it under your eyes and it makes you feel crazy

on your eyelids and you trip balls it makes you feel crazy it under your eyes and it makes you feel crazy. It makes you feel crazy. It's awesome. We went to colleges in different time zones and we both independently our friend groups beesed in college. Can y'all do it at the end

of the recording to each other? Do you have bees? If we can wrangle some bird's bees. If we have some in here, I don't think we have any. Maybe Eli has some. Hell no. You will not be catching me.

It's a blast. Let me tell you why. Does it actually work? Yeah. It makes you feel nuts. It's too minty for me. It's too minty for you. Burt's Bees has a minty kind of smell,

and that's disgusting. It does, yeah. I think that's what does it, right?urt's Bees has a minty kind of smell and that's disgusting I think that's what does it right it's definitely the mint next time I'm in New Orleans Jock I'm gonna dose you I'm gonna sneak up I'm gonna put Burt's Bees all over your eyes while you sleep Ben's always finding new ways to torture me

like a chimp that had Xanax I'd rather just smoke salvia in front of you and then you could just watch me feel bad. You both made a point for that. I mean you did it to have a drug experience. I guess using things that aren't meant as drugs as drugs is a pretty gay thing

to do. Oh definitely. Nail polish remover. Right. So yeah that one's for sure a point. Yeah. Okay so what's the next question? The next one here. Have a nose ring. Right. So yeah, that one's for sure a point. Yeah. Okay. So what's, what's the next question? Next one here. Have a nose ring. Yeah.

And it wouldn't catch me in my life. Gross. But I will, I will confess one time they tried to put a septum piercing through. Who's they? Who's they? Is it your mom? Is it your friend's sock?

Or like a shadowing group of elites? No, my friend, my friend had a piercing kit. And she did my septum and this clinch. And the clinch and the septum piercing got stuck. I think it was too thick. And it was stuck for 20 minutes. And it was the most unbearable pain.

And I was screaming. I was like, get this shit off pain and i was screaming i was like get the shit out of me but the ring didn't stick so okay so that's a point for jock i would say that's a point for jock yeah you experienced pain yeah no negative negative points for me and will whenever we see a guy in los angeles who is a a purported straight man with any sort of nose piercing at all we We act like Clint and the Rambo. Yeah. Thank you.

Y'all are doing God's work. You're doing God's work. Thank you so much. We really appreciate that. Those guys need to be taken to hell. Y'all are cleaning up the streets. We put them in a permanent nap. Dude, don't get us started.

Yeah. I mean, why do you think gay guys dress like construction workers now? It's literally because every straight guy, well, not every straight guy, but so many straight guys are just like, dressing like gay guys did in like 2016, 2017. Like Chelsea boots, jeans, the dangly earrings, painted nails.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Oh, the pain. Don't get me wrong. Look at Tom Sandoval. Look at Tom Sandoval. He's a grown man. He's a grown man with a little tiny worm of a mustache,

and he wears white nail polish, and he wears a dumb, colorful necklace. He should be put down by the criminal enterprises. All right, the next one here. Have a custom license plate. Oh. If I had the money for it it depends

what would you get on it Nate if you had the money for it CPT swag for Captain Swag that would be mine one of the worst things I ever saw in my life was I grew up in a place next to a college called Miami University

and our logo was like a big red M. And I passed a license plate one time that was like a Miami University logo. So the M was on the left side. And then the license plate was Indians. Indians. So it was minions. Let's fucking go.

I was like, oh man. That's strange. I was going to say sports guy. Sports guy? Too many letters though. S-P-R-T-S-G. If you pay them extra, they'll put as many letters as you want, honey.

Yeah, that's true. If you have a hookup in the prison, they can make you an extra long license. I'm getting the first chapter of Gravity's Rainbow on my license. The next one here. Get women to buy them shots. That's gay.

I do that all the time as a gay man. Really? I would never even cross my liver and mind. i think i'm straight it's just like my girlfriend's like please give me a shot i don't have my debit card when i did drink i would do that all the time but that's also what i would do when i was like 12 and 13 and going to the bars yeah yeah well like if a woman tried to hand me a shot i would say which one of my enemies hand yeah yeah yeah who put you up to this

ah i another spy from the kingdom of denmark yet again has come to poison me damn they're war guys too swag oh yeah oh absolutely you never let a woman buy you a shot with no points for either of you on this one? No chance. Absolutely not. No fucking way. All right. Is that like an alpha male thing?

That could be something they do being like, actually, if a woman buys you a shot, that's like the coolest thing that can happen. Do y'all own guns? Because that would be pretty straight. Andrew Tate would say that like if the girl was under 16 or something. Yeah. I didn't know that people did that. I didn't know the women bought guys' shots.

This is completely news to me. What are you, a fucking loser? Only if they're gay. No, I'm kidding. Only if they're gay. I see. Love gay guys' shots. Gay guys' shots.

Damn. Gay guys have everything. They got it made in shape. It's not like they're doing it to be nice. It's more like dance, monkey, dance kind nice. It's more like, dance, monkey, dance, kind of. I want to see you be crazy. This goes

back to something we've been talking about, but 76 is be fashionable. No, I dress like a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. I buy NASCAR jackets out of an earnest love for the sport not for fashion well those are pretty cool jackets i've seen you in one we we got lunch yeah by accident they're cool by accident like they were not cool when i was

wearing them when i was wearing them to to school they were not cool they were like why is this guy dressed like a billboard by accident said the words of a metrosexual among us okay what do you think about this because jock you you i mean have a well-documented insane fashion sense yes it's true i am wearing currently fashionable be careful with the shorts i know you can see it's fine oh my god don't worry i'm wearing tight imminent ball creep no no so jock what do you think is it gay for men to be fashionable yeah of course that's being fashionable to attract women women like a a fashionable guy, you know? No, I just...

What about like Hassan Paikin? I think women are lying about that. No, they don't like it when... What? What did you just say to me? You're going to confuse him. Hassan Paikin? Because you're very fashionable.

People have been loving your monochromatic outfits that all accord to the eminem colors it's been a really now i'm trying to go back to wearing my old shirts and you're trying to look i'm not giving up on the eminem but monochrome lifestyle was driving me to kill myself it It's too much pressure to wake up every day and deliver two to three different colors. Eminem lifestyle, it's tough. But if you were interested, I want to

do silver next, but you guys don't know me, so this may not make sense. We're just monochromatic. I dress often monochromatic, and I also have a Crocs according to every color of monochromatic. I just often monochromatic, and I also have Crocs, according to every color of monochromatic outfits. You walking around looking like Power Rangers?

I mean, kind of, yeah, sometimes. That's sick. That's awesome. It's really crazy. All right, the next one here is drink out of pineapples, hands down. Oh, I would never have. What are you, are you kidding me?

What? Yeah, ridiculous. Yeah, that's insane. I don't know appropriate cultures. Have you ever drank apple? No. I don't think, I can't imagine a scenario in which I would even be accessed. No, we eat pineapples, but we eat them whole like apples.

Yeah, you bite into the side. Where do these guys live? Boston or something? That's where I'm from, but we live in Los Angeles. We live in Los Angeles. We're LA boys. Which is coded in its own way. Yeah, coded for being gay. Where do y'all live?

In West Hollywood? We were in West Hollywood. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Looks like we got a Jack. Do y'all know Vanderpump enough? Y'all are literally just... I unfortunately kind of do. Oh, no points... I don't. I unfortunately kind of do. Oh!

I don't. Drinking out of a fruit at all is gay, but I feel like at that point, even drinking out of a cup, drinking out of anything that isn't your own cupped hands from a Superfund site would be gay. Yeah, if I was on a deserted island with like a woman and she's like, I found something

for us to drink. It's this coconut. I'd say, no, you found something for you to drink. I actually disagree with that. I'm going to go drink more salt water. I disagree with that. I think a coconut has been co-opted by the parrot head community. And those guys get more pussy than a toilet seat.

That's so true. Whoa. Absolutely. I love that phrase. They got it going on. The parrot head community, that's Jimmy Buffett fans, right? That's Jimmy Buffett. Key West, baby.

Yes, sir. Okay. Changes in latitude. Did a parrot head steal your woman? Well, I could see. I was going to say I could see Daniel Craig could i was gonna say i could see um daniel craig james bond drinking out of a coconut but that's not really a point in the favor of daniel craig of course as we've discussed almost every episode on this podcast massively um a closeted gay man

we have also discussed that at length but from a from a derogatory standpoint we should pretty much save some time at the end of this podcast to talk about anything that We have also discussed that at length, but from a derogatory standpoint. We should pretty much save some time at the end of this podcast to talk about anything that you've talked from a derogatory standpoint. How much time do you have? Maybe. We're like sitting there watching James Bond and going, it should be Idris Elba, but not for woke reasons. He's straight.

He's straight. He's ripped. All right, 79. We're at 79, y'all. Get facials or have a skincare routine. That's pretty gay. I have no skincare routine, so I'm not gay.

I wash my face every night. Does that count? Is that a skincare routine? What do you wash your face with? Dish soap. I just have like a... Categorically, this straight face.

It's the orange face wash from CVS. I don't know what it's called. Okay, that's straight. That's pretty straight. That's pretty straight. Yeah. I don't have a skincare routine, but... Nate has flawless skin, which is kind of suspect.

But sometimes... It's a real thing, thing though I know so many gay guys who have like a 20 step skincare routine and they just look it doesn't look like it's doing much but then you'll see a straight guy who clearly does nothing and it's just like poreless completely perfect

yeah who washes his face with body wash every two weeks sunscreen sunscreen my girlfriend does pluck my eyebrows sometimes body wash once every two weeks. Spray yourself with mace. I do sunscreen. My girlfriend does pluck my eyebrows sometimes. If my girlfriend's doing it,

I feel like it's alright. I do one skin routine twice a month and a guy comes over and sprays me in my backyard butt naked with a pressure washer. That really takes off. It's just a Turkish bath, as they call it.

You're running around trying to get away from it. That's also how they do the enema too. So, it's... Well, so, Will, you're getting a point for that one. Oh, yeah. I thought we said I wasn't getting a point. You're right.

Who's side signed you on? 80. Give women space so they can think about why they messed up. No. We like to shriek. I'm in your face. Shriek, howl, and bark.

Yeah. I'm banging pots and pans right in your damn ear. I'm ripping off an angry guitar solo right in your fucking face. I'm playing Slipknot outside your room.

Oh, yeah, we go in the bed. We go in our bedroom and pretend to be Slipknot. This bitch is not about to think. All right. this bitch is not about to think how did that get on the list that's so specific some of these are insanely specific give women space so they can think about why they messed up

yeah that's gay I feel like a man probably said that one 81 give other men rides to work. That's so funny. Well, I can't do that because I've never driven a car, so that's a no. That's true. You don't want to never trust you to be bi.

Don't put a point on where I'm not gay. Yeah. We do carpool to open mics. I don't know if that counts as work. Oh, they're comedians? I mean, there are multiple men in the car at that time, right? Absolutely. Sometimes

as many as four sitting in each other's laps. Hey, just to confirm, when y'all do open mics, y'all are doing comedy and not singer-songwriter on acoustic guitars, right? No, we're not talented enough to do music. Well, I didn't know if y'all do open mics, y'all are doing comedy and not singer-songwriter on acoustic guitars, right? And God, no. Yes, sir. No, we're not talented enough to do music.

Well, I didn't know if y'all were kind of like a Jack Johnson, John Mayer roommate kind of situation. No, no, no. When we go to open mics, it's like the car from Good Will Hunting with all of them in it. I've never seen that movie. I'm just Casey Affleck in the back. Yep. I'm just Casey Affleck in the back. I'm just Casey Affleck in the back. That part where Will Hunting is telling that guy off in the bar,

and he's like, of course you think this is an open mic for singer-songwriters. You didn't read the flyer right. Everyone paid to do three minutes of stand-up here. 82 here. Make hotel reservations. Never in my life. I love hotel reservations.

I love making reservations, period. It's so fun. Reservations are awesome. I'm going to have to fight back with Ben on this. Why? Because every time we try to go to a restaurant or anything, I'm always like, should we make reservations? And you're always like, no, it's going to be fine.

Ben always does this. Saturday at 8 p.m. Was it not fine? Did we not get a table all right? Superior, we didn't get a table on time. Well, we got a table, but I thought you liked making reservations. I do like making reservations. Usually when they benefit just me directly. Like if I plan a dinner, I'll make reservations for everyone.

But if it's like an impromptu, like seven people in a group chat, I'm not going to make the reservation because I'm not a secretary. Someone else has got to be the bottom bitch. I'm banned. I see it as more as being the chat president. No, no, no. Nate's the secretary. I'm not the secretary. I'm bottom bitch. I'm banned. I see it as more as being the chat president. No, no, no. Nate's the secretary. I'm not the secretary.

I'm the president. I'm banned. I'm banned from all hotels, so I can't even make hotel reservations. Jock is banned from all hotels in LA. He's on some kind of insane list. Really? Yes. Yes.

What'd you do? Jock, do you remember? I remember this story. It was during COVID before vaccine and I was scared of COVID and my room had like a used condom and there was like an iron on the ground that was on burning into the carpet.

You also claimed at this time that there was a pool of blood. This is a separate hotel owned by the same company within the same week where there was a puddle of blood. You stayed in the room that River Phoenix had just died in. In the Chateau Marmont.

Okay, that's fucked up. He died outside of the library room, you idiot. Know your facts. Okay, do y'all really live in LA? Yeah, there's blood on the floor. The iron was on. Chris Farley was also dead on the floor. Oh, did I mix him up with John Belushi?

Yeah. Well, look, I complained hard. Long story short, Jock was bounced around multiple hotel rooms that seemed to increasingly be more and more scary. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was bounced from

one single room to... And then I got a huge refund instead and i went and stayed somewhere else in this story then i got banned and i was on the way to a like a hotel and they were like sorry but we had to decline your reservation because you've been added to the no rent list oh whoa that's so cool damn that's because he terrorized next communicado and then i was lost in lax for an hour and a half and i had just gotten to la for the first time as an adult it was so fucked up yeah then i had a mutual friend text me she was like should i let jock stay at my house and i was like he's literally just been banned from all hotels. I'll let you

make this choice. But I think she did let him stay there. So, I mean, Nate, that's the point for you. You love making reservations. You're honest about that. I do. 12 to 9. I have 9-12 on mine. Does that sound right? Yep. I'll defer to you guys because you've been

much better about it than I have. All right. 80. You want to do a couple more yeah i love this is awesome 83 wanting nurturing or submissive women and then in parentheses it really means that they want their mommies what i love i love i love my mom mother yeah how it's like it's like oh do you have a girlfriend who you you know treat as mommy we all know the guy who has a girlfriend at the checkout line that he hugs from behind is like babe can you please buy it my friend no the woman that cuts both of our hair is not my mother at all what the hell is this arrangement between your girlfriend cutting your

hair and his hair? What's going on when this happens? We're sitting across from each other. We sit outside. We sit outside across from each other showing each other Beetlejuice clips. Talking about Star Wars names. And then playing Game Boy. Showing each other Betelgeuse clips. Talking about Star Wars names.

And then playing Game Boy. The idea of both of you showing each other Betelgeuse clips is so funny. There's so many. You need two eyes on it. It would mean that you've both seen the movie. No, no, no. Howard Stern.

We're showing each other Betelgeuse clips and Betelgeuse clips. Like the little black guy. no no no Howard Stern but also Beetle we're showing each other Beetlejuice Clues and Beetlejuice Clues like the little black guy yeah he's the man alright so you both what are we doing here do you both get points for that yeah we do

yeah alright the next one here very simple be nice ugh nope okay well is being polite nice yeah it seems like yes ma'am

and holding a door for people being nice yeah that's being nice I'm very polite but I'm very mean I think both of you are very nice yeah damn it alright we'll take it. Yeah, y'all are nice. It sucks. I feel like nice is I don't know.

Usually as a vague term when someone's like, oh yeah, he's a really nice guy, it's simply because that person has nothing else to offer and it's a nice way of saying that guy sucks or does nothing. Yeah, but we have to accept the vagueness of the list. Yeah, but I feel like in that way and it's a nice way of saying that guy sucks or does not think. We have to accept the vagueness of the list.

But I feel like in that way, nice is very different than polite or chivalrous or generous or whatever it may be. Nice is the absence of any positive character attribute. I'm nice, but if you mess with my family, let me fucking tell you. got fucking john wick over here

85 be in your early 20s and have time to take women on dates it's like a hustle you're not making enough money you're not you're not focused on your bread. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That must be what it is. I can't think of another rationale for not wanting to fuck women in your sexual prime. I really can't. You're a loser if you don't want to bang abroad in your prime. You're a fucking

loser. You're definitely a queer. It's time to take women on dates. You can only have sex when you're 31. That's a very narrow window. You actually have to be on your deathbed. You have to be on your deathbed. You have to be Anna Nicole Smith's husband. The straightest man.

Only straight man ever. Being a gay man's icon. What do you guys? Do you want to get points for that? We both went on a lot of dates in our early 20s. I think we both get a point there. i guess yeah there we go um 86 i love the weather related ones these are so funny 86 is shiver in the cold this is like last time one was use an umbrella preparing for any

like weather is gay as hell yeah no real men buy a newspaper with a quarter and hold it over their head shivering the cold I shiver in the cold my teeth I'm shivering right now i i shiver in the cold my teeth i'm oh i'm shivering right now because the wait also but buying a newspaper and holding it over your head that's um

the first um act along thing if you go to a screening of the rocky horror picture show that's the very first thing that you have to do really whoa so that i had no idea in a way that that's also gay hessa knows knows anything about Rocky Horror Show. Gay, one point. I used to be really into that. Yeah, absolutely. That's gay. One point for Gryffindor.

Exactly. Have you guys shivered in the cold before? I love being cold. Yeah, we love cold. I actively try to be cold. Yeah, yeah. We love being cold. So no points.

No points. No points. Okay. Next one. 87. Wear V-necks. Nope. so yeah yeah we we love no points no points okay next one 87 where v-necks no yeah hard pass yeah actually become in some way like

I mean it's so out of style that the only people doing it now are right that the straight guys are kind of doing it now or like what's like Russell Brand who's inventing like it's not even a v-neck. It's like a U-neck. It's like... It's like a vest

with no buttons, basically. He's showing off his cleavage. He's dumping them out for the boys. He contours. It's Let Him Hang Thursday. No. 88. Look better than women yeah i agree we look awesome we look so good well that's a point yeah yeah yeah that's a tough one i don't think i i don't but we don't like try to look does that

mean we walk out of our rooms in the morning we walk out of our room no we live together and we walk out of our rooms at the same time every morning go you look like tom cruise we both say it to each other and uh so i think yeah we think we will get points yeah we look awesome we're better than these dogs here in los angeles i mean really though all the beautiful people move to new york from every small town all the ugly people move to New York from every small town. All the ugly people move to L.A. from every small town because they think they're going to make it big. Yes, absolutely true.

Yeah, very true. Not us, though. No, you guys are the exceptions. Handsome hunks living it drunk. Wow. Handsome hunks living it drunk. You're welcome. That's sick as fuck.

That's beast. Is that a Toby Keith lyric? Handsome hunks living in drunk. I love that. I can write I can write y'all's song intro for y'all's podcast

if y'all want. I'm going to translate. 89 is hunkus. We're at have houseplants. No, I don't I never have never will

Nate has house plants I love my plants I love plants and Hessa probably I'm not an animal guy Hessa do you have plants I feel like you couldn't keep a plant alive but in a gay way

no I'm actually really good at keeping plants alive yeah I got a lot of succulents life, but in a gay way. That's so mean. No, I'm actually really good at keeping plants alive. Oh, really? Yeah. I got a lot of succulents. Succulents? Gay. That's like a millennial woman kind of. Yeah, I feel like I've been very millennial woman. I've been very

Alison Williams in girls. Man, I feel like a millennial Knowing that Alison Williams was in girls Chuck you don't have plants No way Yeah I don't care plants

Hey it's not that I can't It's that I don't want to I don't want I don't I don't want A plant A pet Or a baby right now

What I want Is to get on my skates And fucking ride You hear me dog Exactly Y'all A lot of guys got hogs And that's what they ride I on my skates and fucking ride. You hear me, dog? A lot of guys got hogs, and that's what they ride. I ride my skates.

As soon as this is done, I'm going to get on some skates and ride off into the sunset sobbing. You're rollerblading? No, not rollerblading. Roller skating. You're rollerblading. Pause. Roller skating. Even gayer. Oh. Even gayer.ading. Roller skating. You rollerblade and pause. Roller skating. Even gayer.

Oh. Even gayer. Okay. That is true. It's very derogatory of you, Hessa, so consider your words, how they hurt. I'm sorry. I'm sensitive. Number 90.

Not want to settle for less. I settle for less so often. Zero. Not want to settle for less so often zero not want to settle for less I'm constantly not getting what I deserve I don't know the most common adjective used to describe me is fussy by my friends I think I might have to take this one

alright let's do a couple more and then we can wrap it up what do you guys maybe like two more let's go for it sounds good give 91 give the bare minimum in parentheses flowers dates and phone calls wait give so give the bare minimum and like a relationship or in life since it seems give the bare minimum I guess like the bare minimum too much give the bare minimum and parentheses flowers dates and phone calls so I assume give the bare minimum to your girlfriend

as flowers dates and phone calls the minimum what have I been given yeah yeah yeah god damn I give you a fucking sparrow i found in the boat i'm sorry but it looks like you're giving them commedia if anything come on those fine words yes sure i'd see both no no what are we at here minimum is it would be a reach for us and then last one let's do the final last one let flies land on you

Mike Pence Mike Pence is gay letting a fly land on you is a good one to end it on he's the most famous person run away from a bug in any way which we love Run away from a bug in any way. Which we love running away from bugs.

Dude, bees miss me with that. I hate bees. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and think about a spider and it'll ruin my day. Well, tell them your earliest memory. Oh, my earliest memory was I was eating a dead bug and my mom was yelling at me

he ate a fly off the window dead fly off the window seal my mom was yelling at me that's the first thing i remember wow that's pretty straight that's yeah that's i mean according to this one of the straightest things you you could do yeah yeah yeah that's such an early no no well what is that so it sounds like I win what does that bring us to boys I've got 12 for Will and 16 for Nate that sounds exactly correct that's a dub dude I won

champion undefeated ain't nothing but another day at the office I've seen nothing but challenges all I see is gold dude I've surmounted all of them. Yes, sir. Number one all time.

Do you like small numbers? That sucks as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll have participation trophies to both of you. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks so much for trying to be straight,

but you too. Jock has a cat. Jock has a cat now all of a sudden, which is... We've never seen this cat before recording. I don't know.

I found him in the street today. I named him Willie. All right, guys. Thanks for joining us. Guys, thanks for listening. Guys, thanks so much for having us. Yeah, thank you. Do you want a plug?

Yeah, thank you. A plug. Our damn podcast. Please listen to it. A Closer Look. The most schizophrenic podcast of all time. Hess is in it. It's amazing.

Unbelievable. Perfect every take. What kind of podcast is it really quickly? Nate? What's that? The premise of the podcast? Yeah, really quickly. It is a 100% scripted fake documentary podcast

where we interview fake people, all play by ourselves and some of our friends. And the first season was about a fake world series between a team run by the mob and a team run by a cult. And the first season was about a fake world series between a team run by the mob and a team run by a cult. And the second season was about the making of the most expensive unfinished movie in the history of Hollywood. Wow. So you two are basically like Tennessee Williams

and Truman Capote as roommates. That's absolutely true. Yeah, I'm definitely Tennessee Williams. I'm going to Google those guys after this. Tennessee Williams, that sounds straight as hell. A famously straight playwright, Tennessee Williams. Yeah. All right.

Meanwhile, the name True Man, I'm all about that. Yeah. All right. Thank you guys so much. Bye, guys. Thank you so much. Bye. Bye. The moon makes me sleepy

The song of peace makes me listen I love you. I didn't want anything else La la la la la la La la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la La la la la la ¶¶