Seeking Derangements - SD 242 - Ya Man's Gay pt. 5

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

Does your man put his phone on DND? HES GAY. Is your man excited to see his boys? SUS. Does your man suggest you split entree's? GAY ASS HELL. Nowadays it seems like men cant do anything without being called gay. Join us as we take a deep dive into the 629 pt. list of "Things Masculine Men Can't Do (According to Social Media)" Jacques long lost brother and host of Podcast About List Patrick joins us! ANNOUNCING OUR CALL/WRITE IN'S: We're going to start taking your messages! Call and leave a voicemail or write us an email PHONE: (332) 203 - 8246 EMAIL: [e-mail]

Hello everyone, it's Ben. I'm here solo at the beginning of the episode just to give you a programming update. at the beginning of the episode just to give you a programming update um we are um introducing a future on seeking durangers where we are taking your calls um the phone number to call and leave a voicemail at is one second it's my it's currently my instagram name all right three three two two oh three eight two four seven um or you can if your voice um if you're self-conscious about your voice being too gay or something you can write us at seeking right in at gmail.com that's spelled r-i-t-e um and we'll get to those um in the next week or two just depending on volume and and all. Try to keep your calls under a minute, and it just makes it much easier to play.

What else was I going to say? Yeah, that's it. We're really excited to do this. Heston and I used to have a call-in show, and I had a great time doing it. So we're kind of trying to bring it back in some way on here. So without further ado, this is our episode. We are dipping back into the gay list for part five with Patrick Dornan. Hopefully Max is playing some nice smooth music right now to contrast to my horrible voice.

But we're with Patrick Dornan to pop that list uh for part five of the gay list we had a lot of fun um although this episode was an absolute bitch to record because my 2014 macbook air is actively breaking um and jock shares his Wi-Fi with five families, apparently. I don't know. I don't know how he knows that, but apparently there's five families on his Wi-Fi. It's New Orleans, folks. But yeah, that's the episode.

Send us your calls. Send us your emails, and we'll be answering them very soon. Thanks so much, everyone. Oh, and subscribe to the episode. Send us your calls. Send us your emails. And we'll be answering them very soon. Thanks so much, everyone. Oh, and subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Seeking Derangements. Bye. Mwah. All right, welcome back to Seeking Derangements, everyone.

We're here with another episode of The Gay List. It's me, Jock, and Hessa. But before we get started, we do want to introduce, I guess you could call him a master of lists. Maybe the biggest list maker in history. It's me, Alvin. Shut up. We have Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks here.

What up, y'all? It's Patrick from Pot About List what's going on happy belated birthday oh my god when was your birthday July 23rd aww

happy birthday 16 or 17 I turned 17 this year Jock wants to know when you'll be 18 16 or 17? I turned 17 this year. Double digits. Jock wants to know when you'll be 18. Shut up. Perverts.

Well, Jock, you posted a picture for Patrick's birthday. Shut up. I was trying to like, I was testing it earlier I came in here I'm using the like our laptop that we use for the show and then I'm using like the thing that we record the audio with that has the soundboard and I'm so bummed that none of this is like I have all these fucking sensor and shit like I got that I don't know if that came through it'll probably come through in my audio you guys can't hear me at all I can hear

you can hear I can hear you the chipmunk I can hear yeah but some some of your buttons aren't working yeah like this one I heard that oh I heard that I heard that one but it's pretty quality. It's pretty jacked up. Yeah.

It sounds pretty bad. Sounds like it's coming from a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah. Is that a fart noise or are you just like happy to see us? Oh, do I have a fart noise? Let's see. I have this. It's good.

I got a flop button. Still pretty ghetto. It's still pretty ghetto sounding. Sounds like a tin can. That's all right. But we've got a trust button. Still pretty ghetto. Still pretty ghetto sounding. Sounds like a tin can. That's all right. But we've got a trusty list here. We've got the gay list, y'all. Things that masculine men are not allowed to do

according to social media. And now that we're on, this is part five. We've done enough of them that I have people constantly adding the podcast on twitter being like we got another one add it to the list so i don't know if you guys saw this one but ron got hit by a car got into a car accident let me find let me find the tweet is that your uncle or something do you have the tallies ben yes that is my i feel like you have the tallies, Ben? Yes, that is my...

Because I feel like we're going to add a bunch to Jacques. That's my uncle Jacques, yes. I don't have the tallies, to be honest with you. I lost track. But I think we all know that I'm the gayest. So we can... Let's say we restart the tallies and I'll have a handicap. I'll start with like a plus three.

Start you with a hundred. Plus one hundred. I don't know. Plus one hundred. I don't know about plus one hundred. I think that's a little that's a little much. I think a plus three is good. We'll reset the tally. Hazard, do you want to take the... Plus three hundred. Can you take the tally score? Sure. I always lose it. You're better at

numbers than I am. But... This is our numbers, girl. Always tallying the numbers up to make sure we're adding up return hold up brain woman's here she's here to tally the numbers ron de santos who was um hit by that car it just says he's been which we ron de santos has been in a car accident and then someone responded further confirmation that he is spiritually female was he hit by a car or in an accident? I don't follow him at all.

I don't like give a shit about Ron DeSantis. He seems like such a, he doesn't even seem fun to follow. Like, truly. It's not even fun. He's a governor. He's not even worth,

if you don't know who he is. He's like him. He's like him. Yeah, you'd love his work. Yeah. I think you'd really be into it you should spend some time researching okay so getting hit by a car

but spiritually female oh I've been hit by a car I also haven't I just remembered yeah I got hit by a car on a city bike okay I didn't get hit I got clipped you got clipped by a car? I got clipped by a car's window because they didn't have

their their uh did you do a blinker when it happened no but i did fall over and i had a huge bruise right here okay like me and patrick are very similar but patrick just had the easier experience versions of mine like yeah he gets clipped a car, I get fully run over. He's a dishwasher for a year. I'm a dishwasher for 12 years. I was sucking cock in the back of an alley for 10 years. 10 years. This fag has only been

doing it for two. This fag doesn't even know how to suck a dick. Oh my god. Y'all, I'm so broken. We're going to start with a good one. Alright, guys. So we left it off last time with Janelle

at 144, We're gonna start with a good one. Alright guys. So we left it off last time with Janelle at 144 which is it's gay to ask her where y'all parked. Which I think we decided it was gay to ask her where y'all parked. That's a tally for me then. I don't have spatial awareness.

I don't fucking know. Real men just know where they parked. Real men know where they parked, exactly. I guess that makes sense. Or real men get lost but would never ask a woman for directions. You would make her continue on a lost journey with you and tell her to shut up if she was like, babe, I know exactly where the car is.

You would just say say shut your fucking mouth this is a shortcut you're saying Ben real men know where they park I'm a gay man so it's fine to hit a woman you said it

alright 145 let's get right to it 145 jump to put the last corner of the fitted bed sheet on the bed. That's so gay. So you're so excited that you're making the bed and you at the very last corner, you go, like a little excitement.

I think it means like you're on one side of like a twin bed. And instead of going all the way around the bed, you like kick your feet off and lean down to try and like wrap it around the other side. You know what I mean? I was thinking like, like, uh,

well, I was imagining football. First of all, American football, American football, American football. So I was American football, least gay thing I could

but a guy like pulling the one end grabbing the one part of the fitted sheet and then like diving like a running back like into the end zone that makes a lot of sense

that's what I was imagining if you're doing that that's kind of straight i think yeah if you have if you put on a helmet and shoulder pads to make your bed and you get a crowd to cheer you on as you dive over the edge and do that yeah that's pretty straight i think that's pretty straight side note your your man might be gay if he listens to American football or bisexual at the least. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gay in two ways.

Yep. Mm-hmm. Twice gay. Two-way gay. Yeah, I think you should have a maid to do that or your girlfriend should be making the bed. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, you should be a millionaire and have a maid to do that or your girlfriend should be making the bed. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, you should be a millionaire and have a maid.

146, go to college and more specifically Harvard. That's gay. Yeah. That's gay behavior. Did any of us go to Harvard? I've been around there. I'm giving Patrick a point. Yes, of course. I ate Chipotle in the yard one time. I'm giving Patrick a point. In Harvard Yard. Ah, I ate chipotle in the yard one time.

I'm giving Patrick a point, just in case. Were there a lot of gay guys there, Patrick? What was your read of the city? What was your read of the city? I mean, it's Cambridge. I mean, I spent a lot of time there when I lived in Boston. Where's your tally?

Where's my tally? I control the tally, so I'm actually not adding a point for me because I know I was doing straight stuff when I was there, actually. I'd rather go to Yale. I was eating Chipotle. Chipotle. There is a Chipotle there, isn't there? Is Chipotle gay? Yo, fuck yeah.

They put Mexicans in a bowl? Are you kidding me? I'm going to give each of us a point. Just to kind of raise the ante. They put Mexicans in going to give each of us a point. Just to kind of raise the ante. They put Mexicans in a bowl? Mexican foods in a bowl. Mexican foods in a bowl is gay. Bowls are gay.

Meals in a bowl, gay. Soup. Or stew though, but stew. Stew is medieval. Therefore, it's straight stew is like ancient times food

I mean more like grain bowl harvest bowl power bowl a kind of more modern bowl as a meal if you're like I'm having a bowl that's one of the gayest foods you could possibly have. Absolutely.

It should be eaten off a bone. Or the bottom. Eating a bowl of tomahawk steaks. A feminine shape. It should be on a stick. Which is phallic, and it's not gay to put it in your mouth. So corn dogs aren't gay. Sausages.

Sausages, hot dogs sausages hot dogs none of those are gay if you eat them as a man eggplants if you just eat an eggplant by just putting it straight into your mouth and biting into it eating a whole uncooked eggplant oh my god one of the straightest things you could do

I'll eat almost I'll eat almost anything y'all know I'm one of the most disgusting people on the planet. But that's bisexual like being ravenous. You know, that's classic bi-greediness. I don't know about you, Patrick, but I draw the line

at eating raw eggplant. That is disgusting. I don't eat eggplant in general. I don't like it. Oh, I mean, it's okay. It's not what I did. A rift in the alliance has been by the end of the episode your shadow actually okay wait if it's baba ganoush i'll eat it as i was gonna say baba ganoush is really good eggplant that's a dip that's a dip where you

dip something like pretzels phallic i was about to say who the hell's baba ganoush phallic but the pretzel twist i would say that's that's gay i'm giving that's yeah i'm giving it because it looks like a button been an extra point why it looks like a button the bottom of the pretzel is the nutsack is because I did something gay every time I do something gay I get an extra point I see what it's like all right 147 oh my god these numbers seven y'all

put ice in our drinks our here is clearly females yeah okay if he puts ice in his drink but not yours that's not gay but if and then the other way if there's his drink but your drink but not his not his this question is blowing my mind what's so it would be really funny to take a girl like to be like can i fix you a drink and yours is like and it's like yeah uh i'll have whatever

you're having and then you're like oh i'm just having a you know a screwdriver and yours is like all ice no i do completely to the top like mosley vodka it's like yes like if there's one more drop that goes in it's gonna all pour out the sides yes absolutely it's gay to put ice in a woman's drink because that shows that you don't want her to get liquored up so you can take advantage which makes it easier to yeah so if any of us ever put ice in our guest in a woman yeah i've done that okay yeah i've done it okay i'm a gay guy i definitely have to

oh patrick i don't know you i believe that you've never done this yeah what do they i always down there i believe that Jock's guests have actively refused to accept a drink that he made okay two really quick things every time I make a drink for someone I offer ice I will go with a plastic bag to a

7-Eleven and fill up the bag with ice when the clerk isn't looking bring it back to my house put it in the freezer and fill up the bag with ice when the clerk isn't looking. Bring it back to my house. Put it in the freezer. Then I have ice all the time. You got free ice, exactly.

And 7-Eleven ice, too, which is a different kind of ice. It's a different breed. It's amazing. I love that something as simple as giving your guest a drink involved you admitting to a crime. Ice there is like a dollar. It's not expensive either. Well, it's cheaper for free. It is cheaper.

Everything is cheaper for free. And no one wants New Orleans tap water ice. It's like that. Yeah, but you freeze all the chemicals out. You freeze all the bacteria out. The crawfish eggs that are living in there. What retarded factory were you raised in?

Well, if you open the thing. No. Jesus. Yes, you. If you leave your sink on in New Orleans for long enough, a crocodile will crawl through it. If you leave it on for like seven minutes, a crocodile will crawl right through it.

That's called the gator's trick. This is how fucked up New Orleans water is. You can go to different parts of town and fill up a glass with tap water. And you go around town. You have a tray full of these tap water cups of water. And each cup of water will have a different color. Brown, green, blue, yellow, red. Like Jell-O shots. That's why it's such a party city. color brown green blue yellow red like jello and that's what

that's why it's such a party city exactly because it's sinking into the ocean yeah y'all they don't even have water here the tap's just filled with uh jello shot lime jello

yeah we've got we've got 140 we've got 148 uh-huh i love numbers this one's putting me in putting me in the grave have an opinion about women okay yep ben's getting a point oh i mean what woman? Women in general. Okay. Like, so I think this is actually one of the straightest things. Does this one count as me? If I have one, what do you mean? Can I give a gay example?

That's up to your judgment. What? Give me a point. It's like, okay, you guys want to talk about Charlie XCX? Okay, but let me flip it straight. Y'all want to talk about Carmen Electra naked? Is that what you think? Is that what you think straight guys talk about

together? I think that's still an incredibly gay topic of conversation. Trying to be straight. Walking up to a group of straight guys. Do y'all want to talk about carmen electro

do y'all like maxim magazine y'all i could really go for some vagina right about now does anyone remember does anyone remember how hot madonna was in 1981's Ray of Light music video at around 237. I love that scene, man. Let me just try it again. It's going to still give Stan culture gay autism,

but let's see it. Hey, you guys ever listen to Deftones? I don't know. I feel like that's a straight guy thing to Deftones? I don't know. I feel like that's like a straight guy thing. Deftones? Wait, let me try it.

That's a bisexual woman thing. Let me try again. A crossover collection with Marc Jacobs. Yeah, they did a Heaven collab. Oh, wait. Yes, they did. What is he doing? He's going to get shirts that's too small for him

is it the heaven Marc Jacobs Deftones thing he loves to rip his mic off his head and run away in the middle of a sentence on the podcast oh my god one of my favorite things he does let's just go on without this is the best

thing I've ever won in an auction does this look straight to you Marc Jacobs Deftones heaven collection This is the best thing I've ever wanted in an auction. Does this look straight to you? Mark Jacobs, Deftones, Heaven Collection, Capsule Collection. I paid so cheap for it with the tag still on it. Are you still trying? Are you still doing your impression of a straight man? You failed. You failed.

You're failing completely failing alright having to think of a woman I think we all get we all get yeah I gave us all a point a point

yeah but I still I think I still think it's incredibly straight to have an opinion about a woman I arguably say it's one of the straightest things you can do and that I don't agree with

the person who wrote the song list 149 shaking your hips for a tiktok dance yes yeah that's you might as well take it up the ass on a train I've never

shaken my hips for a tiktok dance I've never done a tiktok dance in my life. I've never done a TikTok. Actually, I have done. No. Jacques, have you? I have.

You have a point. Have I ever done a TikTok dance? Of course. If you look at the Seeking Derangement's second TikTok account, it's literally about 50 videos of me dancing during COVID. And it's the second account if we don't know the password to the first.

Is that correct? Yeah. Okay. I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that. I want that account. I feel like they deleted my mental illness thing too. I had this video about mental...

They deleted... You made a video about mental illness? Yeah, I was talking about how a lot of my... TikTok took it down because it was probably really bad advice no no no i was i was doing 17 chinese kids killed themselves after watching it it was like a tutorial on how to like trick your doctor into giving you like well-puted yeah yeah yeah so the first thing you want to do y'all is no no no no no y'all you're gonna want

to text everyone in your contacts and say are you mad are you mad at me because i'm mad y'all y'all want to keep an album on your phone called ledges of buildings realistic and send that no send that to everyone in your contact list because they didn't text you back i was i was i was doing a spotlight on some of my former co-workers who had been rescued from the mental illness asylum and given jobs oh my god is that true you were, you were working with people who had just... Documentary? No, you worked with people who had just been released from an insane asylum.

I think escape, rescue, you said. Mental illness asylum. Wait. I don't... And some of them came from... I want to be fair. You're saying they were rescued from a mental illness asylum. Yeah, that's true.

What do you mean by rescued? What do you mean by mental illness asylum? It's never been called that. It's never once been called that. It's called that nowadays because of woke. I feel like they would have gotten rid of asylum. No, no, no, no. Some people call it, some of them were from no some people call it some of them were from

a mental illness asylum and some of them were from a sanatorium but that's not here there a sanatorium is like 1920s to recover from tuberculosis no no have you ever even read the great Gatsby

oh my god yes that takes place in the 1920s yeah but the sanatorium is really just it's blow after blow it's so hard to recover gatsby daisy none of them got tuberculosis i don't know what the fuck you're trying to say about this a work of fiction it's that i can't yeah they're pretending that they didn't exist it's impossible impossible to tease this one apart. When you say they were rescued, do you mean that they extricated themselves forcibly from the asylum? No. Like a pit bull? No, no, no.

My former burger company had gone to these different mental illness asylums and sanatoriums and picked us. Wait, what do you mean you're a burger company? Have we not caught up in this long? I didn't know you had a fucking burger company. He used to work at a counter service restaurant. Oh my god. He talks about it as if he actively owned it.

I fully believed for like a good couple of minutes that you owned a burger restaurant. He was hiring escaped. I don't work there anymore. But when I did work there, I had such a presence there that a lot of the businesses in nearby thought that I was the new owner of the restaurant. I'm sure that's true.

I'm sure. No, no. Rouses across the street the manager was doing me all these favors giving me a discount making my ribs per order and come to find out he's like how long have you been owning the company burger and i was like shit, I am not the owner. He thought only an owner could show up to work dressed like an orange M&F. And then this guy must own the place. I think he was mad. I think he was mad because he had been giving me a discount and realized I wasn't the owner.

And recently I lost my wallet and he has my phone number. He found my wallet and he waited for a week and a half for me to come into the grocery store why did you go wait a week we're going to the next one i can't i can't we're going to the next one i'm putting a kibosh on that story i don't even know are you hungry a 150 is 150 have sex with women. Yeah. No, no, that's true. That's true.

It's a tough one. I love pussy. I never think about dick when I'm around pussy. Is he not incredibly gay? Is he not one of the gayest men you know? And he loves pussy. Actually true. Hey, look.

If someone put a dick and a pussy in front of me, I would choose the pussy. Patrick, you're going to have to prove to me that you've had sex before right now. I also was going to say something similar. I was going to hit the applause button on the soundboard after Jacques said that thing about the pussy matt wait jock say it again say it again okay um if i had a dick or a pussy in front of me

i'm gonna choose the pussy you know what they say. I'd rather have a pussy in front of me than a frontal liposome. Look, y'all can make all these jokes, but y'all just put me in a room with a naked guy and a naked girl and see which one I choose.

We should do that for this show. We should hire a couple of hookers. Me and Ben. Can we please produce a pornography for the money down for it i mean you can probably find some some rockabilly bitches who would do that one for me i know that y'all don't y'all i know i don't especially patrick i know y'all

wouldn't want to be involved but um you and patrick could do a weird uh brother step brother thing locking elbows back to back gotta fucking get my uh my beard back in yeah i shaved for that focus group thing because i thought they would recognize me if i had a mustache you went undercover i went undercover yeah okay speaking of, it's funny you mention it. 151, not have a beard. Well, I got something in here now. I'm the only one that gets a point then.

I don't have a beard. You have a beard. You don't have a beard. I do not have a beard. No. I can't see you. You have a beard, actually. That's not what I'm looking. Yeah, you got a beard.

Can you see his little pale thing? He's only got that one mole that grows seven hairs. I wish I could grow a beard. It'd be amazing, but I can't. Nope. Well, I'm sure mustache will be on yours separately. Yeah. One of the next couple ones.

I feel like that one is just so obviously gay they just never even considered to put it in. No, it's got to be 800 things here I see gay people I see straight men reclaiming

I see gay people no but I see straight men reclaiming mustaches yeah that's like I mean that's like the thing now it's all like dudes with the fucking like mullets and mustaches. Tom Sandoval. Look at Tom Sandoval.

Bro, it's played out. Whoa. Oh my God. Enough with the mullets. A worm with a mustache. No. I'm not doing anything to mine because mine isn't gay. It's Latina.

Mm-hmm. So. You have to have, you have to have like a. Ben, I think you said disabled wrong. Do you have a mullet now? What's up? Oh, Ben said Latina and I think he meant to say disabled. But keep going.

Wait, sorry. That sounds kind of racist. I'm going to clip that and put that one out, John. I'll teach you a lesson. I'll teach you a lesson. Think about what you say. You have to have a card now, though though to get a mullet you have to prove that you're a latina or uh you have to prove that you're uh completely white trash yeah you have to i think what you have

to do now to be like a white dude with a mullet is like maybe you gotta say like some nascar facts or something yeah you have to do a meth murder in a trailer yeah yeah you you have had you have had to threaten a mcdonald's employee's life because they don't have a working ice cream machine if you haven't lunged over if you haven't lunged at someone if you have never like had an encounter yeah you need to have a full like like you have to have threatened like there had to have been like a like a something a weapon pulled out you need to have shot yourself trying to shoot bigfoot when you saw him in the woods so hard for your gun that you shot yourself in the leg yeah yeah yeah

that'll be this will be the list we graduate to after the gay list is finally done um the whether or not you can legally have a mullet bullet point yeah the mullet list that's when we should all make we should do the mullet manifesto i had a mullet four separate years of my life i did too i. I had one. Look, I'm going to say it. I had one right at the peak of it. I had one in 2019. Wow. I'm admitting to it. I'll admit it. Try 2015 and I had a mullet and it was

blonde at the back and then my mom drugged me. Well, Jacques, you were allowed to have one because of your... She gave you G or something and then my mom drugged me my mom completely non sequitur

my mom suggested I take two Benadryl before I went to bed and when I woke up what did she say I want to know what she actually how hard was she suggesting it no no no when I woke up my blonde mullet had been cut off while I was sleeping. Oh, my God.

That's pretty smart of her. She assaulted you. You could sue. You could sue. Sue my mama? I was going to say. What kind of pro- Sue my mama.

Sue my mama. Chuck, you were allowed to have a mullet because you have totally had an altercation with a fast food employee. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yes. I know that you- From both sides altercation with a fast food employee oh my god yeah yes i know that you i know about the food like the food court i know yeah jock and i got into a huge fight in dallas jock ruined the day for a few people in dallas that's not even that's not even fucking true. Stop saying lies. We were at Kane's and Jock was barking orders at us

what he wanted. And she was like, let me finish, please. He's going to mistell this story and represent me wrongly. I'm not even going to go there. Number 152, argue in general.

Argue at all. Arguing in general, 152K. I'm giving Ben going to go there. Number 152, argue in general. Argue at all. Arguing in general, 152K. Okay, I'm giving Ben and Josh one. I never do that. Me and, I never do that. Shut the hell up, liar. And also, I did, okay, I can't let this slip by. I did not ruin the multiple people's day in Dallas because I was, because I, they said, hey, what do you want?

Shut the fuck up, you stupid old bitch! You said that on the Cane's order, there is an option to have bread buttered on both sides. And there is not an option on the Cane's menu to have bread buttered on both sides. It's so bad. Wait, I want to hear Jacques' side.

He called the Cane's. Yeah. Let's hear your side. I want to hear Jacques' side. He called the canes. Yeah. Because, Jacques, let's hear your side. Okay. If you go to a canes and you request to have your toast buttered on both sides, not only will your toast be more buttery, it'll be crispier. And also, Ben is an egregious liar. No, I didn't ruin that trip for everyone. I am literally texting every single person on that trip right now in a group chat and saying, hey, did I ruin your trip?

Asking for buttered on both sides. I said ruined. I said, by the way, did I ruin our trip the other week? Let me compose this group chat. By the way, did I ruin everyone's trip? I hope everyone's having a great day. By the way, did I ruin everyone's trip? I hope everyone's having a great day. When I freaked out because my friend didn't want to harass a Canes employee.

All right, 153. 153, this one. I feel like this will be a contentious one. Okay. It's been covered a lot, but 153 is masturbate. Okay. Ooh. This is, I mean, this is like a...

I never heard of it. Yeah, because you're getting a man off. Yeah. Yeah, this is a classic one. Yeah. But you're also getting your dick tugged, you know, by a hottie. By yourself.

By yourself. Oh. Mm-hmm. But you're getting some. You know, you're getting some action. I don't know if it's gay, though. I don't know if it's that gay.. I don't know if it's that gay. You don't?

Well, it's also like, why can't you have sex with a woman? Yeah. What if you're trans and you masturbate? Huh. I don't know. I don't know about all that. That's too complicated. You're complicating everything, Esa.

Stop throwing these wrenches in. I'm giving everyone a point, but me. I'm giving everyone a point, but me. I guess being a woman with a penis is not gay. Being a woman is gay. It's not gay. Being a woman is gay. That's true.

What is that sample? It was so fried. Look at Ellen DeGeneres. She's a woman. She's gay. Yes. Theory proven. I'm adding her to the tally and giving her a point. Okay. Can we retroactively

add tallies for Ellen too? can we also get Ellen on this on the scoreboard I'm going to give Ellen 5 points just to make up me and Ellen are tied I'm going to text her to make sure it's okay with her that we talk about her I already texted her

no don't text her I'm not speaking with her right now she's going to freak out she has to text her anymore I've been texting her too much alright 154 She's going to freak out. She asked us not to text her anymore. No, I'm on good terms with her. Alright, 154. Eat PB&J.

Okay, shut the fuck up. We've discussed this. So many of these are like things children do. Yeah, I know. It's not gay. It's just childlike. It's childlike. But I love, oh my god, I love a grilled PB&J. A grilled PB&J? It's not gay. It's just childlike. It's childlike. It's really.

But I love, oh my God. I love a grilled PB&J. A grilled PB&J is so good. Yeah. I've never had that, but I'm going to tell y'all right now. I'm going to give Patrick a point. I will say this.

I will say this. If I were, if I imagine being a woman and having a boyfriend, it would be like, I would be like, I would think respect yourself if I saw him eating a PBJ I've never heard them respect themselves yeah yeah yeah

oh we lost track that made Jacques angry Jacques just disappeared Jacques turning on wifi to ask five friends are you mad at me okay by the way while he's gone and he will never listen back to this, it was just my friend Steven who he was just like,

I'm not going to ask for bread to be buttered on both sides because that's not on the menu and it's a weird thing to ask and I don't want to do it. And Jock literally freaked out and called everyone in the car and demanded that he get his Cane's toast buttered on both sides.

Oh my god. We got back to Stephen's parents' house and we all lied to Jock and we were like, yeah, it's buttered on both sides and he investigated the bread and came to the conclusion that it had it been and then he called the Cane's to confirm and yelled at everyone. He's back. I should speed this one up.

Hey, welcome back. Hello, Jogs Reconnected welcome welcome beautiful hello we missed you we missed you I think that everyone loves roller coasters. Yeah. No, I hate them. The more I get into women. Well, actually it is gay because gay people are braver than straight people.

If you think about it. That was the most retarded thing I've ever heard. To risk STD infection and also injury by putting a penis in your butt. That's so brave. That's true. I think that to ride a roller coaster is a

level of bravery. I think that to ride a roller coaster is a level of bravery. And I think that, you know, that's what I think. She's about to go on how brave the firefighters were during 9-11. Yeah. Again, I don't see how that relates to anything. But go on. I was supposed to go to the ER yesterday. So I feel like if you don't understand me today,

the excuses is that I should have been asking you about the ER. The excuse that I should have done something I was supposed to be doing yesterday. For the record. So please be nice to me. Jock has been urged by everyone in his life to go to the ER and he's refusing to. Yeah. Green. I was trying to make that our fault. has been urged by everyone in his life to go to the ER and he's refusing to. Yeah. I was trying to make that our fault because he hasn't

gone. Let's go to the next one here. 157. Have a birthday dinner. Oh, fucking faggiest hell. Patrick, did you have a birthday dinner? Because you were doing a really straight thing patrick did you have a birthday dinner because i you did you were doing a really straight thing which is you had your birthday at a bar and i showed up and you were eating wings alone you're the only person at the table with food if i remember correctly

yeah i was the only one at the time who had food and then my girlfriend got penne vodka later and that was actually pretty good i might get it later penis vodka it sounds pretty gay penis vodka would be gay if that was what was consumed yeah i was gonna get out of point because you drank penis vodka i was gonna have a birthday dinner and then i didn't because I didn't time my day correctly. I didn't time my birthday correctly. I didn't have like a schedule and she was making those muffins that we kept getting yelled at for. See, that's a very straight birthday day.

Your girlfriend is baking too much. You don't have, you're capable of planning. And then, you know, you just end up going to the bar and having wings. Doing the like, the way people have birthdays is so crazy because it's like. My last birthday was gay as hell. Why? Yeah. Because I, my girlfriend was out of town for work i went and got lobster i went on a roller coaster

i went and i got a lobster dinner with my roommate and then i went to a bar i went to i bar i went went to multiple bars. Yeah, that's gay. Okay. Having the birthday dinner and then having a birthday dinner with another man. And then bar hopping with him. And then bar hopping. Pretty gay. I think that's pretty gay. I think I'm gonna

give a point to Ellen because you know her white ass be having birthday dinner. Oh my god. You know she's so obvious about who's invited to the dinner. Who's not invited to the dinner. white ass be having birthday oh my god you know she's so and she's so obvious about ellen's birthday dinner dinner who's not invited yeah i like having ellen we should have ellen as a hypothetical hypothetical guest for every for every list episode as like a yeah fourth mike hypothetical ellen yeah yeah hypothetical ellen is, really good to have. Yeah, you've got to have her around. Ben, you've had a birthday dinner, right? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I've been to multiple. Yeah, I've had many a birthday dinner. It's true. Patrick, is your dad ever had a birthday dinner? Oh, that's a good question. Surely. Is it gay to have a birthday dinner alone

because my family would always leave the house on my yeah well no my when i was growing up my family would leave the house on my birthday and leave me with enough money to get ribs and i would just be alone at the house and And that was my birthday. They would like give you that you had like Flintstone ribs. That's why they had to leave the house. There was a room inside the house. Such a healthy relationship with food. I can see where that comes from. Also, I just want to clarify

I am going to order those exact same ribs immediately after this is over. You need to go to the ER. You promised me you'd go to the ER after this was over. Please don't order ribs instead. Please don't order ribs instead. Well, no, no, no.

I'm not going to the ER. I'm going to urgent care. I'm never... What if you... If someone's suggesting here, urgent care is what Jacques calls the barbecue place. Yeah. No, we've literally...

Patrick, you could not guess. A food place called Jacques... Jacques' regular ER is literally called In-N-Out. I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you. It's shocking. I feel like I'm going to get banned from there. Why?

Why? Because you order ribs while you wait. No, that's not. That is not an actionable offense. I called yesterday. I called yesterday explaining my symptoms. You know, what are the symptoms? Just throwing up.

Maybe help us diagnose the problem. Cough, throwing up, blood, throat. A lot of green. Sorry, throwing up. I've, a lot of green flame. I've got blood. Blood throat? No. Blood from the throat. Okay. Yeah. I threw up blood

in my stomach, but then I threw up blood coming off the cut on my inside of my throat. But then also my left ear. You can't see it. I want to turn the video cut on the left ear you can't see it i want to turn the video on you can't see it my ear keeps bleeding on this side out of a hole and then also it's just a cut on your ear no no no it is blood coming out of the hole out Out of your ear. The ear canal. Yes. But I can hear perfect.

You've got to go. You've got to go to get medical attention. And then I haven't shit as much blood during this so it wasn't that bad. You shit blood? That's what happens in a movie before a character dies.

I don't think they shit blood. That's what happens in a movie before a character dies. I don't think they shit blood. I think they cough blood. That's what happens in a movie before a mutation. Jock, go to the ER, please. You're doing a very straight thing, which is refusing to get medical attention, even though you could be actually dying. That is very straight. First of all, I'm not a millionaire. Yeah, dock a point.

Dock a point, Drew Jock a point yeah I'm docking a point Ben you're winning again yes is there any doctors that listen to this who could help me I wouldn't trust their advice I think you should go to a doctor who doesn't listen to podcasts especially this one

yeah okay next one next one Jock get help um let's see number 158 have a leg tattoo okay I don't have one I don't wait really I don't have a leg tattoo I've only

got my arms I don't have one either I'm gonna I'm gonna be honest not only do I have multiple leg tattoos but i have a disney leg tattoo oh my god what character it's a mickey mouse is a ghost nice that's sick i saw it on the back of a vhs tape in denver and i showed it the vhs tape back to the tattoo artist and i said, put it on me. That's cute, actually.

That's a cute tattoo. Patrick, does your dad have a leg tattoo? Oh my god, yes. Oh fuck. He's got a tattoo of like a rose. Not a rose. Does your dad work long? For the listener on his... tattoo of a rose like right there. Oh no. For the listener Patrick turned around

and showed us his ass. It's like a tattoo of a rose like on his like thigh like his inner thigh near his penis. Okay. So was your dad gone for long periods of time when you were growing up? Because he was having a gay affair.

I mean, he worked nights. He worked nights? Okay, gay. Hey, Patrick's dad, if you're listening to this, no disrespect. I feel like you've been... I don't think he listens to this,

but if he did, then I think he would have a lot of points on the chart I have one of the gayest tattoos of all time which is a heart on my ear well you have an even gayer tattoo also which is your fisting it's not a fisting tattoo it's a sibling tattoo

I'm giving Ben a point for that it is a sibling tattoo. It is not a fisting tattoo. It's not a fisting line. It's not a fisting line. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

Ben got in the fisting and then got the tattoo and then got embarrassed. It's literally a sibling tattoo. And I have had to tell so many disgusting gay men who walk up to me like, I have to be like, Oh, I have to be like, no, it's a sibling. It's a sibling tattoo.

And then they're like, when did you get it? And I was like, Oh, I got it when I was 19 in living in Bangkok, which again, still does not help that. It's giving. Yeah.

No, no. For the listeners at home, it's like on the top. It's like as high up your arm as possible. At the bicep. Fisting someone is fun and easy

as long as you're not getting fisted. Word to the wise. Let's not turn that into another story. And I've gone down to here to my elbow. We can't see. Don't turn it on. Your video is off, Chuck. Don't turn it on.

Your Wi-Fi is too bad for that. 159. 159 is talking to slash fucking multiple women. Oh, my God. Huh. Well, I'm fucked. That's gay as hell. This scientist is trying to prove that I'm gay. I'm going to have to put so much...

This scientist is... I'm going to have to really... The person who made this list is a scientist. I'm going on a pussy... I'm going on a pussy tour to de-gay myself to make myself farther from this list as possible. I don't think you're listening to the science here.

The data's in, and it says that this is gay. It says that that's a gay thing to do. Yeah. 160. What time are we at? My recording is crapping up too many times to know what time, how.

Oh, about an hour right now. 14 minutes. Let's do one more. Patrick, for the record patrick um the only way that we've discovered to not be gay is to sit quietly in a room in a chair with nothing around you crying and not crying at the same time just cry and not cry we're on this list so you have you've got to do both maybe just one single yeah the stuff that cancels if it cancels out yeah if it cancels

out then it's not gay yes I really think that guys who don't cry are gay more than guys who cry is it okay but then if having multiple partners is gay but then having sex with women is gay you kind of have to fuck guys

fucking guys having sex with him? Yeah, I guess you have to have sex with having sex with men to not be gay on here. Yeah. So, Patrick, for context, for the listeners, can you explain how many men? Oh, my God. You've had sex with Ellen's roster. I'm putting I'm putting a point. She's you should put a point

for every woman Ellen has effed. Portia. I can't name anyone else. Alright. Do we want to do... Wait, wait, wait. Do y'all think Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen have had sex? Yes, they have.

That would be such a weird combo. They did a live stream of it. Yeah. It was on CBS. It was on C-SPAN. It was a pay-per-view. Rosie O'Donnell versus Ellen DeGeneres.

As about, and it happened in the MGM grid. There's people on the sidelines throwing money at the stage. Eat her out! Eat her out, Rosie! Eat her out!

Sweep the leg! Wait, wait, I gotta make it. And in this corner, weighing in at 200 pounds, Rosie O'Donnell it's not it's Rosie O'Donnell you have called her Rosie McDonald

before you've called her Rosie O'Donnell but I absolutely 100% assure you it is Rosie O'Donnell I would never call her a you know here's something that can go on the list speaking of Rosie O'Donnell. I would never call her a Mick. You know, here's something that can go on the list. Speaking of Rosie O'Donnell, I had, as a child,

I sent my mom a photo of this. I can show you guys. I'm going to look it up. But hold the phone. I used to do a really gay thing. Okay, let's hear it. Here it is. Let's hear it here it is this was a toy that i had when i was a child that i saw in a thrift store recently

stop oh that is a rosie o'donnell it's called odol oh i think so yeah the rosie o'd'Doll her all of her features you would squeeze it and she would say like catchphrases I guess which I didn't know she had she's amazing I love her that thing's like I'm a fucking I'm a fucking

lesbian you're pressing that playing with it as a child I'm a lesbian get it're pressing that. Playing with it as a child. I'm a lesbian. Wee! Get it through your thick fucking skull. I'm a fucking lesbian. Are you laughing?

Ellen DeGeneres wants me dead. All right, well, let's wrap it up there. Patrick, thank you for joining us today. Oh, yeah, thank you for having me. Thanks for coming on. I had... coming on i had yeah jock patrick is rosie o'donnell 200 pounds i said she's 200 pounds because i think that's the normal that's the normal weight to crank it up on that one no that's not a normal way to be i'm too generous of you to give um i wanted to end this episode on something special. Okay.

I made you a custom shirt. Really? And I wanted to show, I wanted to premiere it on here. So let me just grab it. It's right here. Premiere of a t-shirt. Premiere of a shirt.

On the podcast. On the podcast t-shirt premiere. Do you guys post the videos? No, not usually. Jog really struggles. this is great realizing that uh our listeners aren't see don't actively see him i think that in the in the spirit of this shirt you're gonna be reclaiming a word that has been used to put you down. What word was it? Oh, yeah. Wow. Oh, my gosh.

I love that. That's so cute. Is that the Twitter bird? No, that's just an N. Why is there an upside down American flag? Can you describe the shirt for the listener? Can you tell us what it says on there? It says straw night. I don't know if saying it in a Cockney accent means you didn't say it.

I don't know if that's how. Oh, no. I think you're mis- Y'all are saying Trani. I'm saying Trani. I love it, Jack. It's so beautiful. It's a small.

I'll tell you one thing. I can see Hessa wearing that everywhere. She's going gonna be so excited to wear that shirt in public you don't like it? no I love it I love it I'm a huge fan well that's very sweet Jacques thank you for

premiering the shirt here Patrick thanks for joining thank you thank you for having me on. You can find an extra episode of Seeking Debranchments on our Patreon. Who won? Least gay

is Patrick's dad. Five points. Still pretty gay. Kind of surprising. Second least gay is me. Six points. Third least gay is me six points no third least gay is Alan seven points Alan DeGeneres um god damn

next is Patrick third most gay okay oh my god it's between me and Jock who won slash lost it depends how homophobic you are Ben you're the gayest but only because of the plus three won slash lost. It depends how homophobic you are. Ben, you're the gayest. Ben, you're the gayest. But only because of the plus three

point boost. For being myself. Yeah. For living out and proud. Alright, thanks guys. We'll be back soon. Bye bye. So did anybody win the election yet?

Oh, good. Nobody knows anything about it. I don't care much. I don't know why I got interested in it. You feel social pressure to be political, you know. Particularly when he's, oh never mind. I shouldn't talk about politics. So I don't know anything about it.

I don't know anything about it. guitar solo Thank you. guitar solo guitar solo Thank you.