Seeking Derangements - SD 246 - My Disgusting Femme Presenting Lesbian Ass Life

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

Sup bros we are back with another classic episode...we talk about Jacques barbaric air conditioning defense system, the Femme Presenting Lesbian who was Denied Service for being Gay with a Husband, expose Barack Hussein Obama's straggotry, and take a couple calls. Plus a penis update from the worlds biggest egg, Bryan Johnson. Subsribe to our Patreon for one bonus episode per week, plus videos and special episodes too.

Thank you. And a blast off. Welcome everyone to Seeking Derangements. It's Ben. I'm here with my two beautiful, shining co-hosts as always, Jock Hessa. Hello. Hello. Hey Jock. How's it going? Y'all, I'm doing actually fabulous. I'm having a beautiful morning. The sun is out. The weather is hot.

But I am not hot because I have an AC unit in my room and I'm keeping it on. Yes. Wait, okay. We've got a lot to talk about today, but this is something that I'm getting a trauma flashback to from when I lived in your bedroom in New Orleans. I don't know if I ever explained this to you. Jock has a window AC unit, you know, like we all do in New York, right? They're common but jock um is demand that it's kept at 60 degrees at all times running constantly and his roommates have a bit of a history of going in there turning it off

when he leaves or you know changing the um they learn they learn their lessons. Because I went into the office. Jock bruby trapped his AC. And I saw this, and it was one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen in my life. It was like a medieval torture device. He put a bunch of glue over the panel where you adjust the settings. Right? He covered that with

glue, and then he put a bunch of thumbtacks pointy-side out. Literally like blue and then he put a bunch of thumbtacks pointy side out. Literally like a medieval trap. Yes, and I'm like, how stupid do you think your roommates are? They're just going to go and be like and stick their finger directly They're still dead!

They're still dead! I can't handle it. Stop screaming that loud, please. I'm sorry, but it's not fair. Jacques comes home and it's covered in blood. No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

This is the most aggravating thing that one of them does. And I know it's only one of them, by the way. Let's remember to not name names. This is a free episode, please. He fucking adjusts it to 61. He puts it up one degree and then sets it to energy mode which essentially means don't energy cold air come yeah energy saver mode is a joke

i hate energy saver mode so i went to pick up food and I came back and it was really hot outside and he had turned it off in the 20 or 30 minute that I'd been gone less than that and I was like, what the fuck? I'll make the picture of this episode up because it's a truly disturbing setup. Let's get to...

No, no, no. So I told him do not ever do that. I said, stop. And he said, you. Okay. So I told him, do not ever do that. I said, stop. And he said, you weren't home. So in response to that, every time that leaves the house, I turn off every single. No names. No names. You're cut off from the story.

No, I'm not cut off from the story. I'm finishing the damn story. I went and turned off every single AC unit, The one in the living room, the one in the kitchen, the one in his bedroom, and the one in his office. And I'm like, if you can keep on four separate AC units when you're gone, I can keep on one AC unit when I'm gone. Period.

Wow. Did you booby trap his too? He put a trap door under each. I have a new type of booby trap on here where a man comes out as soon as you touch it that it auto senses that if someone else besides me touches it

and the man with the gun comes up and puts it up to your head and says, do you want to live? And you say yes. You hired a bodyguard for the ACs. Actually, the same security guard that 50 Cent used to have, but I mean, the same one that got fired for when he got shot.

Yeah, I don't know if that's famously he's been shot many times. He said what happened with 50 would never happen again and I trust him. I think you could definitely survive getting shot any time so you're fine. I think it was 9. 9.

You could survive 9. I mean, come on. I'm bulletproof, baby. LaRue. You're bulletproof. Exactly. Well, Jock, you're not the only one who's having a lot of disputes this week. There's the lady that we all have been, I mean, I've been fascinated with this saga.

Her name is Kellen? Is it Kellen or Helen? I think it's Kellen Heller. I think it's Kellen Henniford. She's the lady who claims that she was denied service for being gay. My femme presenting ass got denied service for appearing gay. This is the tweet. This is the post verbatim

breaking my twitter silence to let y'all know my femme presenting ass was denied service at a bar in Manhattan because I was visibly gay I'm safe I'm fine but if it's happening to me in New York fucking city it's happening everywhere your queer friends need your solidarity

maybe we just break this down line by line but yeah i'm gonna tell you this i'm gonna tell you this kellen i'll do it again bitch come to my restaurant again i'm kicking your ass out okay first first of all if she's a femme presenting lesbian i see that's the first issue i'm gonna to point out that I see I just see like a yeah that's not visibly gay exactly exactly exactly exactly and I don't

mean to sound rude but because there can be lipstick lesbians there can be fan presenting lesbians but yeah but they're not like walking around here wiping grease off their brows with a rag you know you think you think visibly gay woman, cis woman,

what does that look like when you close your eyes? Visibly annoying is one thing. She looks visibly, incredibly annoying. We've seen the pictures of her. Yeah, she's just wearing a dress in that picture.

No one could have known anything. They discriminated against her fairly for being annoying. It had nothing to do with her being gay. Bartoners should preserve the right to discriminate against anyone who is annoying. She's an anti-worker for saying that she deserves to be served.

That's a hot take. I think the most annoying part of it to me is the I'm safe, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm safe, I'm fine is really funny like what it kind of implies that you're gonna like self harm because you couldn't get like

I'm so addicted to oysters I needed it I mean that's even crazier if you're so addicted I'm safe I'm fine I was able to get my fix she added she replied to this it was a thread I can't find

I don't have verbatim the follow up tweet because she has since deleted her account due to some damning allegations really swift blows to her credibility here but she mentioned that she was like with her quote on quote butch friend

and in the picture, it was again, just another, I guess maybe more masculine looking woman, but very normal looking, not someone who would be on the receiving end of a, um, anti-gay,

uh, crime or discrimination, I would say, but she literally looks like Lou Anne. It's so, it's so funny to tell your friend like not to like not get served at a bar because you're annoying and then to look at your friend and be like they probably think we're lesbians and we love to kiss each other i was thinking

like imagine you go to like happy hour with kellen and she's like let's take a selfie and you're like okay selfie time and then you sit down you're like are you kellen and she's like let's take a selfie and you're like okay selfie time and then you sit down you're like are you posting it and she's like oh i'm talking about how we're getting denied service because you're a huge fucking dyke you're a huge fucking bald dyke it's too much to be served what the fuck and in the picture they look totally happy. She has queer tattooed on her thigh, like above her knee. On her forehead, like the Joker. Yeah.

Gay as hell. But she, I mean, what do we think? Do we think this actually happened? No. I don't think it actually happened. You think she's just fully lying? I mean, I say believe women, actually. So yeah, it actually did actually is you think she's just fully lying not to i mean i say believe women actually so yeah it actually did happen i think she's lying i think it happened and i think that it's horrible what happened to her and i do think that your queer friends need you more

now than ever so if you're if you're kellen's friend and yeah she's she's her friends definitely need to reach out to her she's not doing well i think she's a real gay person is having like a crisis and the one friend they share is like sorry i'm helping kellen right now she's really going through it right now well what was also in question was what establishment in particular it was. In Manhattan, I know you saw some references to it being Barbelly, which is...

That might have been a joke. I'm not sure. I don't know why it would have been a joke because it's not that obvious of a place to be like... It's not like a meme-y place. It's not that popular. It's Applebee's high end, a standalone restaurant, Apple,

Apple, Applebee's in Times Square. But the people who work there, it's like a gay, it's a gay restaurant. Does Times Square still count as Manhattan? Yes, that is in Manhattan.

If this happened, it was definitely a gay person who was a bitch to her because she looked annoying. Like, 1,000%. You cannot go to a single bar and not have there be at least, like, five gay guys working there.

Like, for real. Who look you up and down and go, ew. Yes. Yeah. That was such a convincing gay person. i think even if a restaurant did want to discriminate against gay people in new york city they'd have a very difficult time doing it because they would have to not hire any gay people first and that seems like almost impossible yeah unless it was like an all straight person restaurant and i'm imagining like what if it's like an all straight person restaurant and I'm imagining like what if it's like

the salty spittoon from Spongebob where it's like all tough guys and they kicked her out for being a woman but she didn't understand that so she was like you know they kicked me over being visibly gay we don't hate you because you're gay

we just hate you because you're a woman yeah yeah she could have gone home but she it later came out that she um it was so funny because twitter does that um community community members have said or like user reports community notes whatever yeah community notes there was a community note addendum to her post that was like yes people have noted that this woman is in a heterosexual relationship with a with a man she is married to a man yeah so funny what is it with i mean this is very like did she ever reply to that no no she broke her twitter silence and she went right back to keeping

her twitter silence I was expecting some follow up some reply some kind of trying to manage the crisis of every gay person on twitter making fun of her but she blank and then deleted it was kind of disappointing

this is a crazy internalized homophobia thing where a fucking straight cis woman thinks that she's being bigoted against and then suddenly is looking at her and herself and her friend group as gay people when she basically is just some straight woman

who's probably experimented once and was only brave enough to be that kind of gay person once in her life and now she stutters at the idea of having to do it again because it's impossible for her to exist out of her little that's quite the diagnosis i think when it comes to this specific kind of like white woman like over-educated you know really trying to be oppressed they fall into two categories, especially when they start calling themselves,

vocally calling themselves queer, calling themselves victims of homophobia or whatever, you know, discrimination might exist. They always have kind of caveats that allow them to maintain the identity in which they could be targeted as such. And it's always she, they, or such. And it's always she, they, or by, but it's always she,

they with a husband and by with a husband, you know, it's, it's almost, it's an exclusive phenomenon among this identity group. And I, I don't know what it is. It got crazy with pandemic for a while.

It really exacerbated this. Cause there were like, do you remember the article that was like why my uh queer my husband gave me a queer haircut and how it helped me come out of a shell okay it's funny you mentioned pandemic because i went back on the way back machine just wondering what was the way back machine it's a internet archive um wondering what you know beautiful thoughts kellen's mind also the name kellen first of all you've got one of these like new american names this might be a bit i've it just feels like one okay so during

pandemic she's she is fully real though she's like a phd she's a completely real person um during pandemic she made a post you know the um the iconic um pink triangle activist um leather coat thing that's like if i if i die of aids or hiv lay my body at the steps of the building or whatever yeah i was like i don't want a burial throw me my body at the steps of the FDA. I was like, I don't want a burial. Throw me at the president or whatever. She did the same set up.

She did the same little quote. But she was making it about masking. Like during the pandemic. She was like, if I die of COVID, throw my lesbian body at Donald Trump's moron.

Throw my gay ass dyke ass cunt body. My butch cunt dyke body. Yeah, my disgusting lesbian grotting corpse. I want it thrown at the freaking president. Unless it's Biden, vote she's it seems like she's got a years-long fixation with kind of being the most oppressed lesbian in the room um yeah the covid one was is crazy to just make the parallel between AIDS, HIV

wasn't she also wearing a mask in the pictures that she took in the bar? I'm sure she is so like N95 behavior 1000% which that's probably why you didn't get served honestly

annoying there's so many reasons why she probably wasn't served. Why do you think I'm gross? Is that why you're wearing a mask? A gay guy, your bartender was probably thinking that. What are you trying to fuck me? Trying to give me HIV?

Oh my God. She got kicked over being homophobic. No, but we got, we got some messages I do have to be careful here because I do not I cannot you know

leave any breadcrumbs to who this informant may be oh my god it's Chelsea Manning it's not Chelsea Manning someone told us that she has actually not only been married once to a man she's been married

twice to a man and the first divorce happened because she told her first husband that she was gay and couldn't be with a man anymore yes and then married a man maybe that is kind of a gay thing to do though is to

get a divorce because you're gay and then just get married with another person. This person left us a call? No. I feel like when women become lesbians and they break out of a marriage with a man they go full like crazy lesbian. Like never have sex with a man again.

God that poor first husband because you know she was like isn't this great that I'm discovering this about myself? And just like that, I was gay. Yeah, and just like that. And just like that, my femme-presenting lesbian ass got a second husband. My lesbian ass got a second husband. And just like that, my lesbian ass got hitched.

I wish Hessa had been awake last night when I texted her about and just like that because I watched the finale last night and it just was blowing up. No spoilers. No spoilers. I haven't caught up with it. I cannot wait for you to catch up to it.

It was life changing. Everything that we have ever talked about. We have to do a recap. I'm just saying for the part one of the finale of the two part thing the things that happened in that episode no spoilers

there's no spoilers they're just so crazy and funny we've been saying that there's funny things going on in this show about and just like that for a long time, but this Well, let's save it for a full episode because I still need to get caught up on it. I know that

Shay and Miranda have broken up and that is very sad. The worst day of my fucking life. Yeah. The worst day of my life. I had to go check and I didn didn't call the welfare check on Hessa when they broke up I was on the roof

Ben's banging on the door being like Hessa wait did you see that comment another thing about this Kellen lady one of the funniest responses because there were a lot of like melodramatic gay people in the comments

being like a bouncer looked at me a bouncer glared at me but then this one guy commented he said oh my god this same thing happened to me at the basement too and I was like basement like someone

was homophobic to you at basement sir I've seen guys to you at basement sir I've seen guys having sex at basement in the open like what are you talking about I think it must have been that he just didn't get past the doorman yeah cause there's a

they vibe check you is basement a similar vibe to the cock no it's more it's a techno club it's like New York City Berghain Is basement a similar vibe to the cock? No. It's a techno club. It's more techno. It's like New York City, Berghain. I've never been, personally.

Yeah, I got kicked out of the cock for being too gay. I was like, what? My gay presenting ass got kicked out of the hole last night. You walk into the cock and you look around and then you just get down on all fours and stick your ass in the air like a dog and start howling yeah it is like how gay do you have to be to get discriminated at at the cock i yeah here's the here's the sentence of a lifetime i spent all night at the margarita time square location because i got kicked out of the cock

for being too gay exactly i've actually funny you say that i got i've been kicked out of the cock for being too gay. Exactly. It's funny you say that. I've been kicked out of Margaritaville in Times Square. No, you got kicked out of the cock. No, I never went to the cock. I've never been to the cock, but I have been kicked out of the Margaritaville in Times Square because I went to a floor I was not supposed to access and I didn't know that.

The synagogue? You went to the synagogue? No, I was really drunk and then the security guard was like, you have to leave. And I was like, that. The synagogue? You went to the synagogue? I was really drunk and then the security guard was like, you have to leave. And I was like, where's the synagogue? He was like, ma'am, you can't be up here. Ma'am, you cannot be up here. I think I actually asked to leave, please.

I'm like, it's he, him, where's the synagogue? Shall we take you to the synagogue? I think I actually... He's like, it's he, him, where's the synagogue? Shall we take you to the synagogue? I think I actually asked Ben to come with me to the cock after the one time we went to Margaritaville, and he said, absolutely not. And then I went alone, and then I stayed there for 15 minutes. Yeah, so it's a no for me.

It's not really my vibe. I would just act like a middle school boy who's too afraid to ask a girl to dance at the prom or whatever. I would be like... It would feel like I was a nerd in a room full of cheerleaders. And I can't really...

It's just not my vibe. I've been partying in Jackson Heights. That shit is fun. Yes. That's the name of a bar? It's a what bar? I thought That's the name of a bar? It's a what bar? I thought that was the name of a bar. Welcome to Jackson's Heights. We have rum. It's in Queens. It's so

fun. But I mean, okay, should we put this bitch to bed? We clocked her sufficiently? What do we think? Bar belly, more like belly ass bar bitch who didn't meet below the bar because she's not even a lesbian if you don't live in New York

bar belly is like a a trendy bar but it's so like it's not on the radar like it's in Dime Square but it's not like people are making like memes about it it's not in the top like main bars of Dime Square

no not at all but you know what we've got to do top. It's not in the top main bars of Times Square. No. Not at all. But you know what we've got to do? To Kellen. Come on. Put those brain cells together, y'all. What are we going to do to her? We are going to make her seeking derangement, Saka MC of the week!

Yes! Oh my! Kellen, you are the seeking derangement. Kellen Heller, you were the Zeke in arrangements Kellen Kellen Heller you are the fucking MCC killer

don't take it way too far wait a second wait a second we're gonna kill your family no no no no no

no no parody parody yes and she'll be tried at the hang for her she they crimes wait no this is the question I actually need I meant to ask you guys like a criminal. Yes. And she'll be tried at the Hague for her she-they crimes.

Wait, no, this is the question I actually need, I meant to ask you guys. Do you think she's she-they or do you think she's bi?

Because I know the answer and she's not both. She's not both. She's one or the other. Is she she-they? She's not both. What is her claim? She's just she-they.

Where is she, you know, I'm saying she just claims to be she there. What is she hanging on, you know, the rack for her queer identity? Is it she they or is it by? She they. You think she they has that? Yeah.

Locking in your answer, she they? I think by actually because she legit is a class. She has a husband. She legit is one of those women Because she had sex once with a woman That she is A full time queer person

Alright well I will tell you You haven't lived enough queer experiences Sweetie after one time To know I'm sorry Listen up here You haven't sucked enough cocks. And then, Ben, you said it like this.

Do you think she day? You read that like a Forrest Gump question. Do you think she day? I'm sorry to tell you this, Hessa. She is a bisexual woman. With she or her pronouns. Blocked. Red.

Dead. Fucker. That's shocking. That's such bad news. Can you boost your volume up a tiny bit? You're a little quiet. Just a very small amount. Please. I'm writing down that at a time. That sounds great. Is that too loud? Okay, back down a tiny bit.

And please. How's that sound now? That sounds great. I think it was playing before. Maybe it's just on my end. But let's get to another huge melodramatic faggot who's in the news. Barack Hussein Obama. Obama.

Obama. Obama. Obama. I love when he said Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama.

I love the cut that says Obama and then it's Biden going Soda yes that's a really good video I cannot wait for the debates oh my god I want to do some coverage

of the caucuses in Des Moines yeah we should caucus caucuses are the first votes that take place in the national election it's like a primary but it all happens in one room in person and you have to like stand with who you're voting for

the republican ones are happening in Des Moines so I kind of want to go and film them and maybe do like man of the street interviews i kind of want to get your ass out there jock and yeah i would make you pretend to be like a desantis supporter or something i think it'd be very funny if there was a huge faggot in the room who was like i love ron desantis i'm not gonna get caught publicly supporting Ron. Then I'll do it. It's clearly a death.

I will do it. Maybe we all do it. Can you take a train to Des Moines? Is that possible? Bitch, get an ID. Get on a plane. Oh, I get it now. Ben, if I start walking, can I make it there

by February? I wear one of those i wear one of those thongs that like borat wears to the shoulders that starts at the shoulders and goes all the way down to the crack and i am in the room with all the lobbyists and i'm like i'm voting for ron desantis and any and anyone else who votes in him for him in this room is saying they would yes that's the joke that is the joke is that yes yes that's what i was trying to say is that if we send you there dressed up like the gayest ron desantis supporter it's going to make all of the other ron desantis supporters incredibly incredibly uncomfortable well no i don't care about them voting for democrats the democrats aren't even coxing but it would just be a funny stunt

oh it's only 27 hours on the train bitch I think they had to avoid so insane it's your life let's get to Obama though because he's had some shocking revelations about his sexuality come to the surface

and there are words from his own mouth people he's saying he's saying this shit himself about how gay he is this is straight from the horse's mouth straight from the horse's mouth so he has a biographer who is going through um uh stuff hard time stuff that he that obama wrote in college or whatever like old documents and stuff and there's this letter that um was previously redacted but is now public um and obama was in college at the time he was like early 20s and he was writing this letter to a girlfriend of his i've got some theories about what this actually means but i want to read you guys i know exactly what it means i want to read you guys the excerpt

and then we can kind of we're kind of becoming a queer theory podcast we can detangle what this means in regard, this is what he wrote to his girlfriend in regard, Jock pay attention you're going to want to hear this one sorry you look like you were nodding off

god you fucking bitch I'm sitting there watching you make your lips make the noise you look beautiful to hear this one. Okay. Sorry. You look like you were nodding off. God, you fucking bitch. I'm sitting there watching you. Make your lips make the noise. You're going to be the MC sucker of the week, you stupid little bitch. Now go. In regard to homosexuality, I must say that I believe this is an attempt to remove

oneself from the present. A refusal, perhaps, to perpetuate the endless farce of earthly life. He said this when he was 21 you see i make love to men daily but in the imagination there's another quote that um wraps this up but let's just let's get let's get some reacts on just that first he's trying to get some pussy he's trying to get some pussy yes exactly that's what I said. He's saying this for pussy. He's the original straggit.

Yes, this is straggit behavior. This is straggit behavior. Do you think he's just, I thought, when I honestly heard that, I thought he was trying, that was an open invitation for all the dick he had missed since he was 21 to come into his life now

and dick him down. Yeah, because also, why would he? I see what you're saying, Jacques. I think you may be onto something. Because how is this? How did this get released? Yeah, I mean, he had to approve of it, and I don't think that is in the best... Oh,

I see. I don't think it's in the mission to get pussy. So he's... It's like when Kim K calls the paparazzi on himself. He's leaking his gay letters so he can have gay sex now? I think he's leaking his gay letters so that he can get more arto pussy now.

It seems like this is still going to get a lot of pussy in return. Let me put it... Let me simply do the math for you because I just wouldn't know, Ben. For one to get pussy, they can't be projecting too gay of an image because that will put off the women

who think that they can't, that they're incapable of having sex with women. Okay. I personally have learned this lesson. I feel like you look incredibly gay constantly and I get pussy. Yeah, but

I'm just telling you that it's, you know, if I'm just telling you with my experience that if you're tired, you're tired. No, shut the fuck up! Okay, look,

this is the thing. I'm just saying, if I was in a strategy of getting pussy. This would not be your first line of attack. That would not be my first line of attack. Hey, I'm Gaze Hill, mama. Yeah, but she doesn't know. It's because you have experience.

He's a 21 year old kid. Yeah. Sending a letter to his, an art ho a theory ho yeah he's probably like oh she's gonna love this and it probably didn't work absolutely i mean he's he's i once i found out that this was a letter to a girlfriend i was like he's definitely saying this to like build up his character you know because he's he's a consummate narcissist i don't even think obama's straight i don't even think he's straight right i think obama has definitely had sex with men but he's never done it because he's gay he's done it because he just likes having sex with people that he can like

conquer you know he's done it for the attention oh i don't think he's had gay sex i think he's absolutely had gay sex but i think he's had it in a straight narcissist way well he's always wanted to be president though right so he So he's probably, you know. Oh, he's not going to leave evidence out there like that. New theory. 21 year old Obama is sending this letter to this woman so the woman will come over

immediately after she reads the letter and have sex with him in order to prove that he's bisexual. And he knows this. Interesting. Very interesting theory. him in order to prove that he's bisexual. And he knows this. In order to prove that he's bisexual. Very interesting theory. Okay. So he

immediately tells this girl who he knows that wants to have sex. Maybe he knows that part of her wants to have sex with him. And then she goes and says, I think I'm gay. I want to make love to men. I think about it all the time. I'm thinking about men making love. That's on my brain. Save me. I can't stop thinking about

balls and dick. She comes over in a nurse outfit with a little briefcase filled with nothing. She knocks on the door and she goes, I'm here to help you. Like an exorcism kind of. Yeah. I'm a little worried about Obama.

Interesting. Okay. So it does continue. we don't serve queers here at the Challenger Bistro it does continue here my mind is androgynous to a great extent and I hope to make it more so until I can think of people until I can think in terms of people not as opposed to women

and men but in returning to the body I see that I have been made a man and physically in life, I choose to accept that contingency. Again, this is like a love sonnet to pussy. Is he trans also?

No. I think he's... He just wants some pussy. Yeah. This is what Harry Styles would be saying if he had like 20% more pussy. Yeah. This is what Harry Styles would be saying if he had like 20% more IQ. Yeah. This would be the lyrics of his songs.

If he was smart. It's really crazy that people used to write letters like this. It's kind of sad. It's kind of sad. Yeah. Imagine if you had to write a letter. My god, i would be so

fucking crazy i read i write letters to y'all all the time i just don't send them it's a way to do therapy letters man i want to kill you yeah there's like a stack of like 400 unsent letters to both of y'all there's a severed pinky in an envelope yeah no he's never pussy he's definitely not i don't think this is any evidence of him being gay i think this is just further evidence of him being a huge narcissist who um

will you know say anything yeah i would though i've always thought he was hot yeah oh me too right jock would you have say anything. Yeah. I would, though. I've always thought he was hot. Yeah? Oh, me too. Jack, would you have a story if nothing else? He's sexy. Especially when he was young. Oh, yeah. Young girl. Obama?

Obama. Obama. They call him Barry? Yeah. Whoa. Okay. Malik's been out here dragging his fucking name, calling him a faggot on Twitter. Yes! I looked in my mail this morning

and one of my packages had been stolen and just left the wrapper. And I just looked out the window. What? I thought Ben asked what I mumbled and then... No. You just realized something. I can... I'm getting and then... You just realized something. I'm getting the sense that you just realized something.

Y'all, I just realized the gas has been on this whole time. Sorry, y'all. It's okay. Someone stole a package from you and left the package? The wrapper. The wrapper. The wrapper.

Wait, Jacques, what's this I hear about? Wait, let's... First of all, would you have sex with Obama? Would you have sex with Obama? Would you? But he wants you to be dressed like a furry, like a dog.

And he wants you to eat his cum out of a dog bowl. I love that you're saying this to Jock because that in your mind makes it more desirable for him. He wants to see some really freaky fucked up shit Jock. Jock's like oh damn I might have to. When you say it like that I mean honestly

when Hessa mentioned the dog bowl of cum it did sound good. So I mean I'm just going to be honest. That's vile. Really? Yeah I mean like I'm just being honest. No, thank you. I really appreciate the candor. Look, honestly, if you don't like cum,

you're a loser. Also, just like big... What's wrong? Cum haters, you and Zing Dering the suck MC's of the week oh yeah actually hating cum is weird I think loving cum is also

a little bit like if you're a gay guy who's so revolted by cum you are the MC sucker of the week for seeking derangements it's very like it's like being like a 30 year old guy

who's googling big boobs yeah I love cum well there's a whole episode of it just like that about this I know we're gonna get into an official but something really scary happens in it just like that

where Harry nuts and no cum comes happens and then just like that where hairy nuts and no cum comes out and they're like they go to the doctor and they're like what happened and the doctor's like oh you busted into your own bladder what the fuck okay

that's very scary that's very scary that'd be so frightening if I came and it just went into myself imagine trying to pee and it's just coming out instead do you want to take a couple calls?

we're going to get to your calls guys we've gotten some more ones they've been pretty interesting keep them coming but in the meantime remember you can leave us a voicemail um at our google voice number which is 332-203-8247 um talk to us about anything advice you've yelled us you could insult us we'll play it right here we don't give a shit what you say okay i have a question here let's go hey y'all i'd love to hear your takes on jock's fellow cajun harry connick jr cool or uncool jock my mom is a very evangelical white

christian lady and she adores his music so i have this feeling his fans are mostly hordes of waspy boomers also my sister's friend dislocated harry's at a concert one time. So if you have a beef with him, I know people just saying. Cheers from Canada. I love you all. I feel like you've got to have some... One, you don't know who Henry Connick Jr. is. Or two, you have gotten into a fist fight with him. Yeah.

So, actually... ...in concert twice. And I have a shirt of his. So, i have no beef with him i think he's a talented musician really this is surprising he's played in new orleans before i feel like he has association with new orleans like maybe he's from here or something he's from there yeah i yeah i don't i have no negative some kind of weird association with the place. Like, seriously, I...

I knew the listener thought I was going to be... going to shoot him. He knocked me off of my horse at the party. Girl, no. He's never done anything wrong. I mean, he's a little bit annoying in the Will and Grace TV show when he's an actor.

Let's play a call. Let's play a call. Let's load one up. Let's go with... Let's just play them as they come in. Whatever. I'll screen them next time. Hey, mamas.

What animal do you think your co-hosts are most like? And what animal do you think you're most like? And also, a bonus question? What? Well, let's answer the first question. Yeah, let's tackle the

animal one. So we have to answer what animals we think each other are. Jock, I think you are a... This is easy, but you're a cub. You're like a baby bear. Be honest. I think maybe a sloth.

I was ready to be angrier at Ben for his response. Well, no, actually, now that it says sloth, I'm going to go slrier I've been Sloth I'm highly disappointed in that I'm highly highly disappointed Sloth

very much a sloth 1000% I am so fast I am constantly I eat a lot more than a sloth does. But when you're not fast, you're not moving. You are either sedentary or 100 miles an hour.

You're like a gator. I've been compared to a gator before. I accept that a little bit more, but I cannot believe. You can't be a gator because you're so emotional and reptiles famously don't have emotions you know

they're always oh go ahead the biggest thing I take offense about being compared to a sloth besides the slow thing because I am not slow I'm not Forrest Gump is I don't have long I am not Forrest G. I don't have long

but I'm sick of the question. The slaw was thinking people telling me that I look like Forrest Gump and act like Forrest Gump. Sloths have long fingernails and they have these beany tiny eyes and my eyes are much bigger than that. You have baby sea lion eyes.

You've got those Cajun brown eyed beamers. You're like of, well you have baby sea lion eyes. I've always said that. You've got those Cajun brown eyed beamers. You're like a sea lion. Sea lion? They're not violent enough though. No, they are. A gator is with the eyes. I think I have similar eyes to the gator.

Hessa's kind of, Hessa, you're kind of cat-like. You might be thinking of a walrus. Walrus makes sense. You might be thinking of a walrus.rus makes sense you might be thinking of a walrus what are you trying to do to me today walrus checks out for sure okay well first of all Ben I'll give you

the uh lay it on me walrus I'll give you the opportunity to say what animal Hessa might be and then I'll explain to which animals you two are Hessa is kind of a cat-like to me. I was gonna say cat too. I was gonna say cat too.

It's easy. Cats are girls. Dogs are boys. It's the famous dichotomy. That's true and that goes to the second part of this question too. Yeah. Jock, why don't you say what you think I am? I'm generally curious. Chupacabra. Period. Period.

Hessa, I think you said Chihuahua wrong because i'm getting told chihuahuas are amazing animals yeah sure no yeah you're like bug i am a little chihuahua like you know you're like olga you're way more like Olga. Olga is a chihuahua we know. Older chihuahua that snaps at some people is nice. She's fucking beautiful, you bitch. Watch your mouth. Hey, the dog is fine. I didn't say anything bad about it.

I'm just saying it's got a temperament. I tried to watch it once. Olga has bit me many times. It's fucking scary. And then Hessa. I honestly think also besides a cat, dragon.

Oh, love dragon. Oh, dragon. The dragon's like, she's so nice. Do you remember the dragon from Shrek? Yeah. That's kind of what you remind me of. Yes! The queen! No, she's a queen. yeah that's kind of what you remind me of yes the queen

no she's a queen she's sexy right big and purple she has long eyelashes giant she's fucking huge no I can see that I can definitely see

that I feel like I'm a Lola Bunny. Are we not doing the other part? If I get to pick my own animal, I want to be Lola Bunny. You're like Chola Bunny. Literally. But the old one, not the new Billie Eilish one. You know what?

That one's voiced by Billie Eilish? No, it just looks like Billie Eilish she's wearing like triple XL jerseys and shit well Ben I think you also I see some Tweety Bird in you definitely crackhead Tweety Bird

Speedy Gonzales you're like a Looney Tunes kind of an amalgamation of Looney Tunes characters. Very cartoonish and cartoonish features and lifestyle, I would say. I'm kind of like Donald Duck. You're Elmer Fudd,

bitch, you're Elmer Fudd. Fuck you! Oh my god. You are so Elmer Fudd. Is Donald Duck the one from Is that the one from Buzz Universe? You're saying his name. How do you not know who he is No I'm confused because is it Donald Duck from the Disney one

Or is it I'm thinking of another duck It's Daffy Duck There you go thank you Which one is Donald Duck Y'all make me drunk Y'all make me feel drunk I'm keeping my legs low. You're kind of...

Well, I'm not going to say it. You're going to get mad. No, say it. No. Wilbur. Wilbur. Wilbur. Wilbur. The pig. He left. He made me say it. Let's get a new one. Oh my god. His cock was out again.

Jock. Shut the fuck up. My cock is not fucking out. It was out. When you jumped back in bed, I saw it. Go to the footage. Review the footage. Do you think we have an NFL referee who can play back the footage? Yes, I think we should. I've been asking for that

for months. Stop screaming. Please. You're going to blow out our listeners' Honda Civic speakers. Okay? These people are driving beaters and we can't blow out their speakers. Okay? Look, I'm sorry. I just sometimes y'all rattle me up. It's okay.

It's okay. I understand. Let's talk. Okay, let's talk about something else real quick. Let's put a hold on the calls because I do want to bring an update to a previous episode we've done because this guy is going fucking crazy, it seems. He's really

falling off the deep end. Our sister Brian, or as we know her, Brianna Johnson. More like Brianna No Johnson, the way she's trans and about to cut off that dick. She's so she's so she's going so crazy lately. I'm glad we got in before the curve, you know.

I'm glad we got on this wagon months ago. We fucking called it. Yeah. So I think even in the episode before the one we did with Theta, like almost a year ago, I'm going to say, I think even then we were like this bitch is trans yes no we were is it is okay just to confirm isn't brian literally on hormones that are yes yes there's also that literally literally transition transitioning but he's

he recently dropped and in the he's he's getting more and more attention. But he's, he recently dropped. And in the, he's, he's getting more and more attention online. And he's really doing this like epic billionaire thing where he's, he's leaning into the memes. Still won't respond to my fucking emails, Brian. Yeah, he probably Googled the podcast. He maybe Googled the podcast and saw that we did an hour and a half where we were calling him trans and talking about how he wants to fuck his son. But you know what? We call him like we see him here. At least we're straight shooters. The first result if you go seeking derangements is

the Brian episode in the description where it's like we look at a new freak. I called him the world's biggest egg in the description. But that is no longer there. So I might try him again. See if we can get him on um okay oh my god you're gonna hit him up again after this yes of course my god if we get brian

johnson together and he's doing anything he's throwing his ass out there for anyone i think he'll come on here i would love to do a day in the life jock diet day in life brian diet and just have you two talk but let's get you guys actually been eating a lot healthier my medical problems are getting a lot better we gotta get you on blueprint oh my god if we get you on project blueprint anyways he dropped a penis routine Brian

it's a penis rejuvenation I think he's so he's tracking his nighttime erections and he said saying it's an indicator of overall health yeah this is like something that was really confusing to me and bothered me is that the infographic he made there's two like bars and the bigger one is the one the bigger bar has like less time it's like so average 65 year old man two hours i've got i've got the i've got the data here i've the data is rolling in i can read it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So penis rejuvenation baseline measurements for nighttime erection, the mean, right? It's like the average for a 49-year-old male.

And I don't believe this. I'm sorry. This seems crazy to me. I might be wrong. The average here, the mean, is two hours and 12 minutes of hard cock while you sleep at age 49 and then he compares it to the goal this is his goal i don't think can i measure this from tail mid to myself well guess what the goal is age 18 and it's three hours and 30 minutes i think he's he has not one he has not told us how big it is his penis we don't know how big it is and two he has not one he has not told us how big it is

his penis we don't know how big it is and two he has not told us his average erection per night erection longevity whatever per night but he's kind of implying that it's around two hours and he wants to get to

three hours and thirty minutes that seems like a lot of time to be hard in the middle of the night. I honestly think that a very sexual person probably... This data doesn't really could be super hard.

I'm 24-7. No, I'm not 24-7, but I'm hard often and also I think we should start putting in a sound effect whenever you're hard we should start monitoring Jock's erections all day

and then compare that Jock will you please keep an erection journal I'm not even kidding yeah I know but I would oh my god that's an amazing diary update Jock you need to carry a diary and you need to do a log for every time you get a boner and you need to say why and you need to say how long it lasted and then that's how they get Brian on.

I feel like, honestly, that would be too often to... That seems like a really... Full-time job? Why, you can't do that for the show? No, but just... DM Ja can tell him you want him to keep the erection diary. It's not like I'm having erections in public, but

I mean, certainly... But you not like I'm having erections in public, but I mean, certainly. But you've had problems with nighttime erections. Okay, so this is kind of a crazy thing because I heard this and I was like, he's you know, I feel like I was just about to say this too. I feel like a normal, very sexual

person is like having nighttime erections like crazy. I sent this to you and you said to me he could never and I didn't really know what you meant so I'll preface this by like probably like seven or eight months ago

I went to the doctor and I was worried that something was going wrong but I was I was like okay I'll do an std test but i'm pretty sure i hurt myself because i had a bone and i was like this this is this is not this could not i i'm like this is really what's going on here so what was the sensation how did you feel what was going on well i'll go i go in i'm like look i'm kind of experiencing like pain and i i in your penis and on my penis and i was like look and it was hard

you had a hard penis that hurt not your dick was hard my dick was not hard at the doctor's office but i got naked the doctor i i got naked the doctor put your clothes back on the doctor held my dick the doctor held my dick looked at I showed him where it hurt and I showed him this and he said do you wear tight underwear and he said you had an erection all night and you are

so I had a cock cage no I don't wear cock cages someone made a cock cage and I literally never wore it your penis was erect but your underwear was so tight that it was restricting its ability to become fully hard so your blood was just

no my dick was so hard that it was sticking out of the underwear and it was getting an abrasion from the underwear line. Like the elastic? Yes. And the guy was like you have to wear loose underwear

at night. So I went to Walmart a few days ago and bought large size underwear. Medium size like through the loom Hanes and Target brand briefs are sized at 32 to 34 and then

large ones are sized at 36 to 38 and so I switched to large. May I ask what the small underwear you were wearing that gave you the separation looked like? Yeah, it was because I was wearing medium size, which is the 32

to 34, and my waist is 34. They're boxers? No, briefs. Oh yeah, you always wear briefs. Oh yeah, you only wear briefs. I've never seen you in your underwear many times. It is always really tight. You do always have really

tight underwear on now that you mention it my mom when i was younger my mom had trouble getting me to wear underwear and so she took all of my briefs and tie-dyed them and that was how i started wearing underwear when i was like so that's why i don't wear boxers now isn't it yeah no and i feel like boxes are so they're not fashion for would be they're justers are so they're not fashion for would be they're just so underneath clothes they're not practical they're so impractical I need all my stuff to be tucked in

if I'm gonna fit into shorts or pants if a gay guy brings back boxers he could get so much ass because constantly gay men are like when you see him wearing the plaid hang boxers you know he's hung

when he doesn't wipe his ass the dick is toxic if he doesn't pay child support you know he's gonna fuck your brains out next to an empty pizza box it's all that shit and it's all like gay guys are so horny for the classic plaid boxers that I've thought about wearing them.

Just to be like, yeah, easy way to just get some ass. You could really pull it off, Jock. Do gay guys wear boxers? Gay guys wear briefs or boxer briefs? I'm a boxer briefs or briefs only straight guys wear boxers it just doesn't make sense to wear boxers underneath jeans

unless you're wearing straight people jeans which are straight leg or boot cut they don't make sense they get all bunched up it's insane to wear boxers the only sense it makes to wear boxers is in an apartment

that's hot in New York. Yeah, you wear them as pajamas or shorts. Even just wearing them as shorts. A gay guy needs to start doing that. Because it's like, half you bitches are walking around in thongs anyways. You should just start wearing boxers

as shorts. I'm shocked no one's done that. Yeah, Jacques, wear some nightboxers. Well, now I just wear gym shorts to bed because that's basically boxers. That's what boxers are. Just like gym shorts. It's not thin

and then my boner would just go through the hole. Was the doctor was what was his um sorry what no what is he like was his reaction shocked or had he seen this problem many times and is this like a common problem yeah it was so common this This guy was like, oh my god, you're fine.

You're literally fine. I got STD tested too and everything was fine. I literally just had literally had an erection at night and it gave me, it hurt my dick. I was so concerned that I had something.

I'm like, oh oh I have penis cancer you see this is something you thought you had penis cancer I mean I go to the most crazy this is the kind of stuff you can talk to Brian about y'all I think I got penis cancer y'all I was scared

I had a little bit of an itch and I got scared and I thought oh shit and another time to the doctor and I was like oh no and I thought it was something else and he's like bro that is literally an ingrown hair and then he's like

we've told this story I think Brian is doing this penis thing as a pretext to get bottom surgery yeah to be like, no, my penis is suboptimal, so I need to invert it. Yes, I need to turn it into a vagina. He wouldn't call it a vagina.

He'd be like, the data on inverted penises is coming through. N-U penis. N-U penis. N-U penis. In light of the 21-year-old Obama gay love-making in light of the 21 year old Obama gay love making

men letter I believe that this is Brian's attempt at getting pussy because Brian is going to oh he so does not fuck he so does not fuck that's like a big part of his life

that could probably they could probably solve a lot honestly well he was asked this recently because you know i keep up with our girl brianna i he said it's hard to date he said it's very hard to date because no one can keep up with his his routine insane blueprint lifestyle yeah, but I'm like, there's got to be plenty of women out there who are like, orthorexic, who would totally love to do deep breath. I am not having sex with Brian Johnson.

You are barking up the wrong tree. Please. My AC unit is not No, no, no. My AC unit is not going No, my AC unit is not going You're not going to do it for the show? Listeners, if you want hold on message him and tell him that

I'll say this right now I would do anything for the show if it's for the show I'll have sex with Brian Brian is going to be so happy when I tell him that the balls are in your court literally I want to know how would that help

us what would happen what do you mean how would that help us we have become millionaires yeah yeah i mean people would love it we'd be we would get a check that is so much exposure online if Brian Johnson is like the data on fucking NB podcasters he just woke up just woke up with I'm scared ordering ribs and eating them on his white sheets

that's not something I would do I can see him being very kind of negatively attracted to you you know yes because you both it's like opposites um you're you're a bad boy opposites attract you know yeah i think you could really throw him off his routine because he's never met someone who's just pure unbridled consumptive habits and sexual charisma Even bring night Brian, evening Brian out Oh, midnight Brian's coming out

bitch Oh, period Alright Brian The balls are in your court like Hazza said and until we get your ass on we're going to be continuing to call you trans. You're going to have to

come on the podcast to dispel the rumors that we are starting, that you are trans female. Until that happens, guys, I bid you adieu. Thank you for listening. Oh, you can find an extra episode of Seeking Derangements. Is this a free episode?

Yes, it's a free episode. Okay, wait one one plug before we go really quickly it's super short if you're in the houston area on september 20th i invite you to come to echoes to celebrate my birthday and i will be having djs myself djing and i will also be presenting my fashion line i will will be having my fashion show showing some of those designs that came out of that. Great! Happy birthday! You can find an extra episode of Seeking Derangements with video content and other stuff

too. It's usually, it's always at least one extra episode, if not more on Seeking Derangements. Yes, and we have some big ones coming out. We do have some big ones coming out. We do have some big ones coming out. Thank you guys, and buh-bye. Bye.

Big what? industry. Great people. Mouse children, the world's doors waiting So open the world and do the great leap forward So wake up and dance Dance, dance, dance So wake up and dance Dance, dance, dance, dance So wake up and dance Dance, dance, dance, dance

Wake up and dance Dance, dance, dance, dance We can't bend that I'm a sailor I'm a sailor I'm a sailor I'm a sailor I'm a sailor