Seeking Derangements - SD 255 - We Told Everyone At Church You Were GAY
Episode Date: September 23, 2023Hey guys welcome back. Today we take your calls, texts, and pleas for help. Topics range from hair care, to reverting to Islam, how to be in a NORMAL relationship when everyone is POLY, and also Jacqu...es is only on for about 15 minutes his mic broke and he blamed us for it lol. Everything is fine now but Jacques Gonsoulin...More like Jacques GONE so Lame am i right.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
get to it none of y'all said you had something to be at i mean if we just if we just acted like
that if we just acted like that each episode would be great okay ready i'd appreciate it
is everyone ready to record yes i'm in the way hold on i'm the reason i was late was because
of good reasons and i'm sorry it's okay i really don't want to know. Did he just lag to you right now, Hessa? No.
At all?
We are ready. Jock, I guess if you've got something prepared, then I'm totally...
Do you want to open it? You've got something you want to say.
I just wanted to mention that since I got a haircut and a shave,
that's about my mustache.
You got a haircut?
Let me see it.
Let me see your hair.
One more time.
All right, I'm ready when you guys are.
Okay, ready?
Three, two, one, go.
Hello.
Well, welcome.
Jock said he wanted to do a cold open.
I guess the cold open was the five awkward seconds
while Jock didn't know what to say
I think demonstrably it's the issue
is that Jock doesn't know what a cold open is
Jock has no clue
he thinks that a cold open is just like
is just saying something that you start with
yeah at the beginning of the podcast
look I
you shove a bunch of cold cuts into your mouth
at the beginning of the show look i shove a bunch of cold cuts into your mouth it's a cold open
it's when your hole is out in the wind you know it's not it's not my business to know it's my
business to show up it's quite literally your job to know no what that is you're
no no no no you're the confused one. And I am right.
A phrase that Jock says constantly to everyone around him.
You're the confused one.
I don't know what I am, but what are you?
It's true.
Look, let me put it to you this way.
I have been through a lot this week already.
And particularly last night, I had a little birthday.
Is that different than any other week in your life?
Why don't you shut your...
It always seems like you're going through a lot.
Why don't you shut your...
I'm just asking.
Why don't you shut those little cherry lips of yours up?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Horny.
Horny.
So...
He's already trying to fuck me.
He's already trying to have sex with you.
Hold on. First of all, let me just confirm. I don't want to have sex with you. Hold on.
First of all, let me just confirm.
I don't want to have sex with the pale thing.
Second, what about me?
Do you want to have sex with me?
I don't want to have sex with you.
Has a Tesla Tesla.
You're back.
No, no.
You were the good time.
Anyway, last night I had a birthday party and an old friend came by and she came up to me and physically grabbed my mustache up and down, like trying to pull it off of my face.
And she said, wait, that's real.
That actually that happened to me last night, too, except I was I had a really bad fake mustache on and she ripped it off straight off my face.
See, I find that offensive
marks your groucho marx costume i guess i'm hesitant groucho marx's mustache is famously
a grease pen so you can't rip it off are you are you familiar with Asshole. Owned. Asshole. Hey. Hessa.
Are you familiar with mustache appropriation?
Yeah.
It's one of my favorite punk bands from the 90s.
The post-punk UK scene was really amazing.
I fucking love their shit.
I can't talk to you two about anything. I love their collaboration with Robin Grissel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all are junkies. You can't tell you a, too, about anything. I love their collaboration with Robin Grissel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all are junkies.
You can't tell you a single thing.
Drunkies.
Drunkies or junkies?
I am over.
I am over.
You are drunk.
Y'all are both drunks, too.
I am drunk right now.
No, I'm not.
I'm actually just sober.
I'm totally sober besides the mushroom coffee I drank this morning, which is exactly correct.
Okay, that company reached out to me.
Look, look, look, look.
I know you always...
Okay, let's talk about that mushroom coffee really quickly.
I've got a sponsorship from them on the line, y'all.
Really?
To be honest.
I don't know if I do too many drugs.
You won't get any of the money from it.
I'll tell you that right now.
Mushroom tea doesn't work.
No, it doesn't work.
It's not tea.
It's coffee, for the record.
I'm not angry.
I'm just drinking.
It really does kind of wake you up.
It does wake you up.
It feels exactly like crack cocaine.
You made it for me one day,
and I really...
Wow, that was one of the great mornings of my life.
Blast off. Waking up, and it was you of my great the great mornings of my life was what blast off waking up and it was a great morning on my life me in the cabin and jake made me coffee and you made me mushroom coffee and i had both i was double fisting them
oh i'll do both all the time who but it's called um it's called new roast it's so brian johnson but it actually works and i love it
so much and i was tweeting at them and like i was tweeting and adding them and it was pictures of
like literally hunter biden smoking crack and i was like what at new roast makes me feel like
every morning i'm sure they love that they were probably like the one gay guy who's sweating it's like the one
gay guy who runs their social media who's not allowed to retweet it but it's just like sweating
they did retweet it oh that's so beautiful and then they dm'd me and they were like thank you
so much for boosting our product we really appreciate the support and i was like i fucking
love you guys i'm i'm not getting it it does feel like crack and then they they sent me a couple bags to get
them to sponsor you right do you remember telling the story a couple bags um to my apartment um in
new york but i haven't been back and i think they're probably just like languishing in my lobby
i mean um you know um
usually the dementia alzheimer's type thing of you repeating repeating a story is my thing but
i guess ben will do it today my um told this mushroom story before the one person the the
one thing that i've tried to get a sponsorship for seeking derangements from is um mount olive pickles and i was just checking to
confirm they still follow me they follow me on twitter oh my god wait so they it's a pickle
company yeah mount olive pickles they make the jalapeno pickles um you know the pickled jalapenos that are so good i love jalapenos
yeah they're like so good and they're at every bodega and i'm i um tweeted something about them
and they like messaged me and were like thank you for tweeting and i was like i will please sponsor
no i know i know i know that's exactly i feel like if we refined our tone a little bit to these brands,
we could probably get an actual sponsorship,
but we act like,
we act like homeless people begging for change.
Like,
please.
Yeah.
We act insane.
We act insane.
Yeah.
That's so weird.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
Please.
It's my birthday.
I'm going to kill myself if you don't sponsor us.
My dog died in Vietnam.
I haven't been happy after the Simpsons, please.
My dad was in Iraq.
He died.
Please help me.
My mom was a first responder.
I should have bought it.
9-11.
I should have bought it.
I've been thrifting a lot, and I saw this shirt.
Well, my dad was a first responder in 9-12.
My dad actually was the first responder in 913.
I saw this.
My grandpa died in 914.
Well, actually, my entire family died in 915.
Your joke is so bad.
I saw, I saw, I saw these.
I love when he takes his mic off
because I can see his new haircut
makes him look like a circumcised penis
he looks like a chode
no it looks good
it looks sharp
I love that he throws a fit
he literally throws a fit anytime we do a bit
it's kind of like
he's eating something
it happens truly every time we try to do a bit
on our comedy podcast
he throws a fucking fit I'm getting mad It happens truly every time we try to do a bit on our comedy podcast. Yeah, we do a bit.
He throws a fucking fit.
I'm getting mad.
Well, I'm fine with him throwing a little fit right now.
I'm happy to keep going with it.
He's eating food, which will help his mood and will also help us.
It is truly shocking that whenever he's in a bitchy little mood,
it's because he hasn't had 3,000
calories. Hello, queen!
Welcome back!
Welcome back!
You're looking so beautiful today. I love the haircut.
Oh, my dad died in 960.
My dad...
Sorry, Jock. You had something
you really wanted to say, I believe.
Do you care to share it?
We're done making a joke.
I'm sorry.
We're done joking.
We're done joking.
Let's get real.
Let's all get real.
Can we all get real?
Why don't we be real before we get real?
Okay, let's be real and then let's get real.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's start by being real and let me know before you
start getting real because then i'm gonna have to warn it's gonna be pretty scary we're gonna
have to i'm gonna have to press the beat button for three minutes okay first of all and y'all
the romani people
oh no so the first of all what i was trying to say before I was interrupted by two retarded devils that should be put down.
You weren't interrupted.
You were actually trying to interrupt us.
Oh, my God.
You fucking insolent.
You fucking mindless dopes.
Anyway.
So rude.
Oh, I'm so rude.
Why don't you go stuck a corn up your asshole, you fucking Iowa prickhead?
Anyway, so as I was trying to say before,
I was rudely interrupted by two shit brains with fucking the brains of a dumb asses.
Yep.
I served.
Period.
But no, what I was gonna say
is that when I was thrifting this weekend,
I saw a shirt and it said,
hello, I am the proud father
and a Vietnam veteran. Let
me in. I don't know
why I didn't buy the shirt. It reminded
me of all of your little
veteran and Vietnam talk. That's like a shirt that a
vampire would wear. I don't,
I think, yeah. Because a vampire has to be veteran in Vietnam. That's like a shirt that a vampire would wear. I don't, I think.
Yeah.
Cause the vampire has to be invited in somewhere.
Why would there be?
Yeah, exactly.
Proud father and a Vietnam veteran.
Let me.
And a vampire.
That's the best plot line for a TV show.
No,
it says that on the back.
So after he walks in,
it's too late,
you know,
cause he walks in and then you see the back of the shirt
and it's like fuck oh my god no
if I had only been able
to say that joke earlier
it would have had the impact of the Titanic
hitting the glacier wall
one of the great jokes in the history
of the world
it would have been great but we've got calls
to get to today everyone
we are taking your calls um and
we're reading some of your text messages maybe we'll see we've got quite a few calls to get
through um they better not have left us too long of messages because i it's okay it's okay um
but you know just just a reminder if you want to call us um if you have any, you know, if you need advice on something happening in your life or, you know, you just want to tell us a funny story.
Right here.
Which one for Talmadge?
The one I'm highlighting.
Yeah, that is the number right there.
Okay.
It's 332-203-8247.
No, no, no.
You can call or text that number.
My phone number.
Do not read another number. No, no, no. You already text that number. Do not read another number.
You already sent out the wrong number for this.
My phone number
is 337-296-12...
Okay, don't say your phone number.
I'm just letting him do it now.
I'm fully just letting him do it now.
No, I'll read it right now, actually.
If he wants
to keep reading it, I'll just tweet it out later
so all of our fans know
they can talk to Jock there.
But, Hes, do you want to get us queued up with our first call?
Yeah, I really love
this one. This one's amazing.
Ready? Yeah, let's hear it.
Hello.
I couldn't sleep, so I thought
I'd give y'all a call.
I, like
many of us, am a white devil
that reverted
the glorious tradition
of Islam.
Not kidding.
Salaam alaikum.
I appreciate that there seems to be
this running... Okay, sorry.
Can you pause it really quick?
Do we believe him or not?
Let's just before we go any further, do we believe that this gay man is we believe him or not just let's just let's just before we go any
further do we believe that this gay man is a practicing muslim or i believe him just because
he said not joking otherwise i would have thought a lot of times gay guys say that when they're
joking gay guys aren't allowed to say that and be joking they're not allowed to be lying if you say
that then you have to tell the truth. I think
he's doing a bit. It's
hard to tell because he did say
As-salamu alaykum. The thing is, he said
Islam. He didn't say Islam.
He said Islam.
He said it like a completely like,
yeah.
In a real way.
Yeah, that's how you know he's
Islam.
Islam. Yeah, I mean how you know he's... Yeah, Islam. Islam.
Yeah, Islam.
Yeah, I mean, you can hear the peace and tranquility in his voice when he does say Islam.
I buy it.
Yeah, Islam.
All right.
Jock, do you have anything you want to say?
Do you believe him or not?
What do you think?
Jock is like, yo, I don't even know what's going on.
I can't hear him. I think his mic is disconnected he managed to disconnect oh no what did he what did him what yet another win for jock
today um has said let's keep playing the call okay jock you've got to reconnect your mic
clang about um i wanted to check he did the word. I was feeling about his prediction that reverting is going to be coming into fashion.
And I also wanted to check to see and ask, who do y'all think on the pod is going to convert first?
Smart Money is on then i think yeah i'm saying once that uh you should just
imagine a hot person looking at you all at all times that's oh my god yes wait how's a posit
this is part of my that's actually yeah that's a good way to someone i i've been saying this for
years i was like you know the best way to live is to
pretend it's just to act like a hot person is watching you at all times yeah at all times yes
yes and then someone once told me that that's um just oh my god but I think I mean it does it does like legitimately
help me when I feel like I'm going to do something bad or embarrassing or shameful
to just imagine like the hottest person I know watching me do it and then I don't do it yeah no absolutely
it helps a lot it helps more
than thinking about God
I'll be honest
yeah I think yeah
I believe I think I
in a roundabout way believe in God but I always
I believe that there's a hot person watching me
at all times I think that
I see everything bad that I do
and I think that they've really
judged me for it.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, let's
hear more from this gay little
Muslim. Yeah.
But wild card
jock might
in his
series of afflictions
be brought to the straight path.
Okay, I think that Max is,
out of all of us,
I think Max, honestly,
is the closest to Allah's light.
I would say he's the closest to God, for sure.
He's already living in Al-Andalus, you know?
Andalusia
he's living in.
Yes.
Well, he's from
Salvadoran.
The traditional land of
Fala.
Well, yeah.
It's basically
like the...
Well, he was in Spain.
Spain, I guess, is a little bit more part of
the kingdom that's their kingdom yeah probably i mean that's basically it who which one of us
do you think will make a big conversion first to some religion um we'll be the best i would say i
mean after we all convert because that's gonna happen well who do you think is going to be the best at it yeah i think i am
due for a moment in my life where i literally become i think yeah i can i can sober like
celebrate rubbing pray five times a day you're rubbing you in your hijab like rubbing it in being like like I'm so pious
um wow
you guys haven't even played today
wow
interesting
um where's your rug
I haven't heard anything
y'all have been saying because y'all just kept recording
without me
you need a bigger prayer rug
well look who's back on their mic
Put your headphones on
I'm not sorry
It's one of the very few things
You have to do well
Let's keep going with this call
Here Jock
I think we can hear you now on your set
Yeah
You can cut it there
With A Hadith where it's reported that the prophet, peace be upon him, said that Islam began as a strange thing and that it will return to a strange thing.
Okay, well, thanks for letting me hear any of this call.
Okay, so we thanks for letting me hear any of this call. Here, a single...
Okay, so we're kind of...
I kept asking.
I kept asking the positive.
Sorry, anything.
The peace of Allah will never be upon you.
Peace and blessings be upon you, brother Jock.
Blessings be upon you, brother Jock.
Peace and blessings be upon you, brother Jock.
Jock, blessings be upon you. We love you. A blessing be upon you brother jock jock blessings be upon you we love you a lot loves you yeah
do you i literally have zero i have zero opinions on this because i have no idea what we're talking
about because no one paused it. I have zero idea what
the...
We just told you.
We just told you.
We literally just told you.
Oh my god, your microphone is completely
jacked up again.
How does this happen?
It's happening again.
It's happening again oh no
Allah does not want you to record with us today yeah let's get another let's get another call
Allah does not Allah is not fucking with Jacques see this is this is how you know I am the chosen
one of the podcast Jacques Jacques has been smoked twice that might mean that jock is the chosen one yeah I mean
like we don't know and that I'm working
for what do they call Satan
it's like dunya or something like that
dunya
dunya
you're done
you're done
dunya sounds like a
Star Wars character
something like that we've got a Star Wars character. It's something like that.
We've got some Muslims who listen and they'll tell me.
We talk like,
Literally.
Literally.
Alright, let's hear this one.
Okay, this is a good one.
Hey, so, long time listener.
Anyway, I'm a college student
and Thomas Johnson
is going to be living on the floor below me.
She's moving in next week.
Today, I eliminated the signs put on his door.
He's got a picture of you on there.
I confirmed it's him. Like, my RA's have pictures of everyone.
He's got no one, so it makes sense.
Anyway, I thought you should know since I found out about him via your podcast.
That is crazy.
I'm keeping an eye on that guy.
You have to stay alert.
You have to stay alert.
Could you imagine going to school with Talmadge?
Because, I mean, if he's actually doing Blueprint every day,
that's like being in a full college course itself.
Like, imagine inviting him to like a party.
Oh my god, could you imagine?
No, that's actually like the ultimate fantasy of like,
imagine like corrupting Talmadge.
Yeah.
Corrupting Talmadge.
Like that's like the ultimate.
Yeah.
I mean,
it'd be a lot of fun.
It'd be a lot of fun.
I'm,
I'm curious.
I mean,
she said he has a picture of Yoda on there.
That checks out.
That's really crazy.
I,
I don't know. That checks out. Well, also crazy. I don't know if that's like... That checks out.
Well, also, that could be
like when you're in dorms,
they do like... Sometimes they do
a picture on every door or something
that might not be his, but
I'd like to think that it's his.
I'd like to think that he put a picture of Yoda on them.
I'm shocked Brian
even allowed him to go to college.
I know. Really? I thought he would home college him i thought he'd home college him you bring in professors you call him like guest
you have a great guest lecturer coming in this week yeah wait that's our way in we've got we've got we've got
a shot of brian here to teach african-american studies and it's brian who walks in in a wig
oh no oh no he's all the teachers like child let me tell y'all we
Brian walks in with a wig like
black people ain't having no Bernie
but I
mean I'll tell you this black people are
not having any blueprint
no way
blueprint has
got to be truly like
the whitest idea on
whitest idea in the history of the
world literally literally you could be an idea
i mean can you oh my god oh my god brian's got we need to start yelling at brian to diversify
blueprint so he has to go and show it to people of color who would be so scared of him he's so scared of him who is this freak who is
this woman who's this scary lady y'all this white lady is insane this lady is coming in here
telling us that we have to eat literally we have to eat mung bean paste all day someone
making a karen video of brian of the south side of chicago trying to force a bunch of families
to drink the green giant trying to this karen won't stop telling me to have 62 pills a day
karen is trying to feed me a pill pill karen's trying to optimize my blood flow
literally though that's like actually another funny concept is brian trying to feed someone
a pill and being like no no you don't get it it doesn't do anything it does nothing
what are you trying to make me say no don't worry it doesn't do anything okay i feel like if he's letting town because talmadge is such a bedrock
of brian's it's such a bedrock that he's like a rock who never leaves his bed
because he's too depressed talmadge is truly such he's so fundamental to brian's project here publicly speaking because
he he is kind of the basis by which brian bases all of his progress and and competition as we've
he really kind of scornfully really is living vicariously through talmadge you're trying to
yeah and trying to exceed talmadge he'll say all the time like my biomarkers are
better than my 18 year old son you think she's going to college with talmadge do you think it's
like oh my god oh my god like a goofy movie type scenario freaky friday wait extremely goofy movie
that's the one you have i just i feel like i feel like they wouldn't allow Talmadge to... Oh my god. Look who's back.
Jump scare.
John Gautier rejoined the call.
He looks so
mad.
John, we're talking about Talmadge.
Do you have a mic and or headset?
I can see you're
hearing me now because... oh, he left.
What did he leave?
Poor Jacques.
Poor Jacques.
His microphone isn't working and it's the worst day of his life.
It's our fault.
It's just his microphone has been breaking and then he got a new one and it continues to break.
And it's like, dude, we have to record the podcast at some point you know yeah i'm sorry we love jock but i love
i mean yeah we will we will try john without him he'll be back um yes if he i mean i offered to
buy him a mic we'll figure it out um yeah talmadge at college is gonna be please call us back and let us know if there are any updates
um can you imagine brian visiting on like a parent's day oh my god could you imagine i would
i would kill myself if brian was my mom and came to visit me yeah yeah wait let's do the next call
this one's too long this one's too long yeah it. We can help this person, though. You don't want to help this person?
No.
What about this one?
Hey, I told him to keep it under a minute, you know.
Let's do this.
Okay, this is a good one.
Hi, my name is Maddie.
I'm a new Canadian listener.
I just wanted to leave a quick comment because I've been listening to the episodes in reverse.
And I just wanted to comment on that and how I find it really funny that the only plot points to carry along have to do with Jacques' physical health.
For example, when we find out Jacques has crabs, but then you listen to them in reverse order and y'all are panicking like well y'all are panicking
it's mostly just Jacques
panicking about what he might have
so entertaining love you guys
for all the new listeners just listen
in reverse order it kind of makes it
better okay bye thank you
thank you Maddie that's so
true I didn't even think about that
no those are the three lines is that Jacques physical ailments Thank you, Maddie. That's so true. I didn't even think about that. It's so funny.
No, those are the three lines.
Those are Jacques' physical ailments.
Crabs.
The things that keep us grounded.
The pooping blood.
In and out.
The scab saga.
There's the crab saga, the scab saga.
There's so many great arcs.
It's like one piece.
And now we've got the Mike debacle.
Yeah, the Mike debacle.
Next episode, he'll say something about how we forced him to leave and record it without him.
And then people will hear this call where his Mike exploded 17 times in his hand.
And then they'll realize it actually was not us being sinister.
I think that's a good way to listen. He's so mad about the mic.
He's so mad that we're still recording.
What are we supposed to do?
Right?
We can't just not, you know.
We have to keep recording.
I texted him and I said,
if you can rejoin with a working mic and headphones then please come
back we'd love to have them back but i like i've got a baby sleeping in the room next to me i've
got uh appointments i need to go to okay you're a new father now this this you're a new father yes
you're a new father and you have to take care of your baby you have to take care of your son
I want to be a father
my son
I want to interview my dad
hopefully I've
pulled off an interview with my father
in this episode opened with
hello welcome to
Seeking the Arrangements
welcome to Seeking the Arrangements
my name is Ben's father Welcome to Seeking the Arrangements. Welcome to Seeking the Arrangements.
My name is Ben's father.
I'm here to admonish everyone who listens to this audio. It's a poppy day, Ben.
Let's get the next one up here.
Okay, okay.
Let's get the next one up here.
No, not that one.
This one?
Yeah, let's do this one.
Okay.
one yeah let's do this one okay hi i just wanted to um ask and throw it out there uh can you guys hire me i can be yours
like gay intern like here is hr we might have to go hr woman yeah i just got hired and i need it i need a new job
i need money really bad geez thank you love you guys oh my god um i mean there are lots of things
there are lots of things we do need help with honestly yeah but we won't be paying you yeah
we can't pay let's be clear let's be clear
yeah let's be clear about that we cannot be paying i mean we could pay you in some things like
a piece of falafel exposure we'll bring in my exposure we do we exposure we do mean sun exposure
um we're gonna have you standing on the block you are gonna be toiling in the sun you're gonna be toiling in the heat you're gonna be spinning
yeah you're gonna be spinning around a giant
sign in front of Jock's house
that says live shows
you're gonna have to push the wheel
you're gonna have to push the wheel
it's a big stone wheel
yeah
it's sort of a project we're working on
we can't really tell you what it's about but
um an integral part is you pushing a giant stone wheel yeah you pushing a big giant stone wheel
every yeah yeah but we can't share it's we can't we've got some big names attached we just don't
want anyone figuring out what the wheels are yeah look i don't want to i don't want to get anyone too hyped, but Timothee Chalamet might be in a role.
I'm supposed to stop.
Don't tell them.
I know, I know.
I'm not supposed to say anything, but...
You have to keep Timothee Chalamet in the wheel.
You have to keep him in the wheel.
He's pushing this wheel.
It's a wheel that's like on a pole.
And Timothee didn't want to do it,
so it sounds like you're a twink.
We could just really easily put his head on your body.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you won't be paid.
You're going to be doing most of the...
You're doing most of the pushing.
The pushing.
Because Timothy is not very strong.
He said no.
Well, he can't put on any muscle mass.
He also said no.
Also, that's a huge part of it is that he said no.
He didn't want to be involved at all in any
capacity. If he puts on any muscle
mass, he is going to be replaced.
It's another one.
But we love you too.
But yeah, we don't
really... I mean, if you want to send your skill set, I will
maybe think of an interposition
for you, but no, sorry.
Oh, this is a good one.
Oh, let's go. Oh, this would be a good one for Jacques,
but unfortunately... Oh, I can answer
as Jacques. He died, okay, cool.
Do you want me to answer as Jacques?
Yes, everybody. I just wanted to know,
like, what's a signature dish
that you can cook for a
romantic night in?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome. You're welcome.
Jacques, what about you?
What's the signature dish?
Oh, shut up.
You need to shut your fucking mouth, you fucking bitch.
I have to be quiet.
I think my mom is putting the baby down.
She's like, Ben, why are you cursing out a trans woman in a southern accent?
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Ready?
You do it. You do it. You do it.
You do it. My mommy will be mad.
Well, what I like to do is I take a cauldron. If I got a date
coming over, I take a cauldron and I
toss in a bunch of different
doodads and knickknacks
and kind of bake and boil it
all up.
You have a
doodoo knickknack kind of stew yes i make a knickknack
stew knickknack stew for a date night i see oh my god um i i make a really good anchovy pasta
not to steal valor from from your italian heritage but i very, I make a delicious anchovy pasta.
In Des Moines, I've been making a lot of shawarma,
if anyone remembers my meltdown,
because I couldn't find any sumac.
I did find some sumac.
So we're cooking.
We're making some good meals here.
I would do anchovy pasta, I guess.
Although it's too smelly. It's a little too smelly for romantic uh night you don't really know no if you well i'm
do you remember i made anchovy pasta and it was under what did i burn the garlic or something
i messed it up i didn't make enough sauce i do remember it was still good it was still good it
was still good i mean you know
you you melt on the anchovies and they become more nutty than fishy but it's still kind of
oh my god i was at this oh i was at this um this wedding recently and there was a woman visiting
from iceland who is uh half sisters with these pair of sisters
I'm very, very close with.
And so I was hanging out with this girl from Iceland
for like a week.
And she was so fucking funny.
She taught me how to say,
how to call,
she taught me how to call someone a faggot in Icelandic.
What is it?
How do you do it?
Arte faggy. Arte faggot in icelandic and what is it how do you do it and i kept repeating that to her at the wedding and she was like yeah that's how you say it but she also had zero reservations about saying faggot i was like i was like oh how do you say faggot she's like so she was like so imagine you're saying faggot but you have no o or t and i was like okay if you're talking to you
when you when you're making eye contact with you i guess it's a certain it unlocks a certain part
of your brain it unlocks your brain i did i casted a blue eye spell on her to make her homophobic looking at your face
it unlocks the mind
yeah it turns
everyone into Bill O'Reilly
into Nancy Reagan
it turns everyone into Nancy Reagan
because they also become the throat coat
I forgot about that
yeah romantic night in I don't know i would do no i would do very little
carbs is the thing everyone always like isn't it insane to me maybe maybe isn't it insane to you
it's insane to me that for um romantic you know classically romantic foods um for americans they're like lobster alfredo pasta okay alfredo
is like that's gross like that's not it's disgusting i i will make like the heaviest
romantic food i'll make is like a cacio e pepe maybe i think to me to me the sexiest foods are
it's seafood oysters shrimp raw preferably they're classically lesbian a classically lesbian dish the sexiest foods are seafood. Oysters, shrimp, raw, preferably.
Oysters are a classically lesbian dish.
Lesbians don't eat that shit anymore.
Are you kidding?
Lesbians are eating bacon mac.
No.
Sorry.
We gotta have a lesbian on for the gayness episode.
Yeah, I guess it's mostly because I'm in Iowa,
and the lesbians here, there are more lesbians than women. Lesbians in Iowa, it's rough because i'm i'm in iowa and the lesbians here there are more
lesbians in iowa it's it's a rough it's rough out there well no they love it they love it which
makes sense i mean it's like random encounter but like the lesbians in iowa it's like random
encounters in a final fantasy game where you're in the overworld and like no that's what it's
like to be gay here lesbians here are like are like they abound
they're everywhere and they are so bacon mac and cheese no offense but that is what they're doing
and good for them they love their lives i'm very happy for them the gay men here are feral hessa
i was in a walgreens they're feral they're so feral and scary. So scary.
I was in a Walgreens and there's this twink cashier.
I was buying like razors and a Pellegrino and this twink cashier with like little gauges and, you know, like a little wispy goatee and mustache like me looked at me with the
most intense fuck eyes i've ever seen
like and i'm like this would be this would be acceptable at a club or something you're
wearing a little vest you're a cash it's 11 a.m it's 11 a.m i'm in line it's 11 a.m on a tuesday
there's like a bunch of people behind me and he doesn't say a single word to me
for the entire exchange
and just stares directly into my eyes.
Oh my God.
I was so uncomfortable.
I was so uncomfortable.
You should have smashed.
No, it was scary.
I mean, had he been hot,
something would have happened.
But it was...
What if he's a listener?
What if he's just a listener?
Just recognized you.
No, no.
There are no listeners here.
Well, there are some, but I think I know them all already.
Yeah.
It was scary.
You were scared? It was scary.
I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding.
I was legitimately afraid.
Amber Alert?
You say that every time you say it in an Amber Alert.
I'm scared. Yeah. I'm scared.
Yeah, I'm scared.
Amber Alert.
I'm scared.
This is an alert.
Ben is scared right now.
The gay man in front of you is scared.
Ben is so scared, everybody.
Guys, I'm really anxious.
Guys, Ben is so anxious. amber amber alert is anyone mad at me
amber alert do i look weird in this wall creased
amber alert is anyone is everyone really staring at me right now
amber alert is it embarrassing to buy just toilet paper at Walgreens will everyone think I shit myself
if I buy one
snack and the toilet paper will everyone know
that I'm just buying the snack to make it
look more normal to buy the toilet paper
with toilet
paper I always I buy my toilet paper
and my paper towels together so people are just like,
oh, this little gay guy is clean.
He's doing a paper run.
He doesn't have to shit.
I do.
I strut into the corner store.
You're proud.
You're proud.
You walk in farting.
Yes, I walk in farting.
I literally have poop
streaming down my pant leg.
And you say,
guess what I'm here for?
I say,
I look around for a while.
I look at the snacks I browse.
Meanwhile, people are gagging.
Seeing how many calories are in a bag of plantain chips.
Yeah, I'm looking at a peanut.
I'm looking at a jar of peanuts.
I'm looking at the back.
And then you get over to the top and it's like, oh, finally, here it is.
Oh, jumping.
Exaggerated.
Every time I jump to get the toilet paper from the top to try and get it
from the top i fart a little more oh why do you think i need help because i'm a woman you think
you think i'm not tall enough to grab that what you think i'm short oh you think i'm short
what are you doing later yeah that's how, that's how girl bosses get their toilet paper.
Yeah, that's how I get my shit.
That's how I get my toilet paper.
That's how you get my shit.
That's how I get my shit.
That's how I get my shit.
That's how I shit.
All right, let's do another one.
Disney Channel celebrates kids like you every day.
What?
It's really...
I go crazy
alright let's go to another one
okay this is a good one
let's see okay let's do this
it's 1am sharp right now
it's 2am
I've never actually listened to your podcast
I just know you for the shit
it's really uh you know
it's awesome you do god's work and I don't even know what the shit. That's really, uh, you know, it's awesome.
You do God's work and I don't even know what the fuck you do.
Anyway,
peace out.
Thank you,
King.
Thank you so much.
Non-listener.
No,
yeah. Someone who only,
I mean,
you know,
I put a lot of work into those memes.
I appreciate it.
Thanks so much.
Um,
guy,
uh,
appreciate it.
Um, thank you, sir sir and they'll keep it up
oh this is a good one let's keep going okay so i think we might need jock to answer this one as
well if you want to take that oh yeah quick short question how often should you be washing your hair
um i know that there's's advice that hairdressers
give, but I
honestly feel like this is an intuitive question
that everyone needs to answer themselves.
Particularly,
I'm really interested in what Jacques has
to say. I love
the podcast. Keep
being fierce, mama.
Well, I'm so
sorry. Jacques, what do you have to say about this?
Well, I think
you should never
wash your hair.
If you think you can wash your hair,
then you need to
shut up.
Kill yourself.
Don't say that.
Don't say that to our listeners.
No, I wash my hair every two days every two or three days
yeah I do
I mean
I don't
I'll put water in my hair I don't shampoo
I never shampoo
yeah you never shampoo
never shampoo
so you can probably get away with that
what do you mean well when it's longer you gotta you gotta walk that shit you know
oh i thought you said i was really short i think you meant i'm short so i oh no your hair is short
yeah you're short so you can't you you could probably get away with that no even when i have
if you're tall like me if you're tall like me then well no one can smell it because you're too high up yeah because i'm too high up so no one can smell how horrible my hair is
yeah yeah no one can smell if you're short you're kind of right at nose level with everyone
but if you're as tall as you are people yeah yeah i'm a nose height so i've got to keep i've got to keep my my hygiene under control yeah
your nose height yes exactly no i don't do it exactly that's what my doctor told me
your nose height doctor was like i'm so sorry but you we did we ran the tests your nose height
yeah it's terminal yeah um i i don't well shampoo it makes my hair like all
dry and fucked up i'm sure if i had a better routine that i did every day then i could do
it but what seems to work i condition i condition every two days i can i condition like maybe once
every couple weeks yeah but i put water in my hair every day i like you know i i scrub my
hair with water but that's about it i i hate to sound like one of those people but i'm a um
naturally like a natural oil guy what about my dad what about my oils
don't wash out all my oils i have a friend who doesn't wash their hair and it looks really yeah
a lot of people don't a lot of people don't i wash my body huh you know i wash my body um i can tell
you this i know i know jock's answer on this he does use uh shampoo and head and shoulders every
day okay cool yeah wonderful let's get another call let's get in the car looks good what was this hi divas um
listen yeah let's do you don't i also took a screenshot of um when jock rejoined what it was
so funny he looked like um who's the angry muppet
oscar the grouch yeah no he looked like the green one who's the green one oscar that's oscar
the ground oscar is orange no oscar's green he lives in a trash can oh yeah he looked like that
he kind of is oscar the grouch never thought about that he's mad he's usually mad he's usually mad. He's usually yelling at us. He got mad at me for calling
some neighborhood
in New Orleans
Grouchland.
He was like,
shut up.
It's not Grouchland.
Oh my god.
What were you trying to talk about?
It was on an episode.
It was on the Gaylist episode.
One of the first ones.
Oh.
Oh, we were talking about Metairie.
I think you called it Metairie.
Where Ellen is from.
Yeah.
Let's play this call.
That's where Ellen's from.
It must be a magical place if Ellen's from there.
You know, it sucks so much.
It's so evil.
I hate Metairie.
It's really bad.
Is it bad?
How is it bad?
Is it like...
It's just like weird energy void
suburb.
Just zero vibes.
Which is hard
for a place like New Orleans.
Yeah, in New Orleans.
That's crazy.
Alright, let's play this one.
Okay.
Hello.
I had a quick question.
If a trans mask and a trans femme are in a relationship together,
is it straight or is it gay?
Cause like mine feels pretty gay.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Um,
I think it's the straightest.
I think it's the straightest possible thing.
It is kind of,
it is kind of the straightest thing. It's so straight. It's so straightest possible thing. It is kind of the straightest
thing you could possibly do. It's so straight.
It's so straight.
But it's also so gay.
It's the ultimate relationship.
It really checks all the boxes.
It's whatever you want
it to be. It can be straight. It can be gay.
It can be
bi. It can be whatever.
Wait, how could it be bi? It can be bi it can be whatever wait how could it be bi
it can be bi because if you
bi your damn
girlfriend a beautiful dinner
you know what I mean
if you bi into the idea you're both straight
if you bi into the idea
of gender
ideology
you're both bi and into idea that you're both trans.
Exactly.
People being like, I'm bisexual.
I'm buying into the idea I'm a woman.
I'm buying into the idea.
Yeah, I'm bi.
I'm buying into the idea that I'm a woman.
buying into the idea.
Yeah, I'm buying into the idea that I'm a woman.
You want that shirt, Hesley? I'll put that on a shirt for you.
Yes, that would be wonderful.
Yeah, I think that's categorically
straight.
I mean, you guys
won. It took long enough.
You finally figured
out how to be
straight in the gayest way possible good job so you took the most roundabout path but you're
finally straight so your parents are thrilled you could have just been one of their imagine
being the parent of like a trans daughter or trans son and it's like they started out gay then they transitioned
and now they transitioned into a sex where they're just dating the opposite sex
but they're trans it's like i would just i would just be like oh my god you put us through all of
this to just to just date women dad dad i have a new dad i have a girlfriend and she's a hole in a wall
i told everyone you were gay i'm so sick of this shit i thought you were fucking guys
everyone at church thinks you're gay now i gotta tell them you're gay. Now I gotta tell him you're straight.
Oh my god.
I'm gonna be the fucking laughingstock of the church all over again.
It's happened five times.
Fuck.
Punching a hole in the wall.
Yeah.
Flipping over the dinner table.
I'm finally dating women again that sucks for those parents
it's so funny
let's do one more and then we can
maybe have a conference call with Jrock
to see if he's
still alive
he sent us 40 texts
oh my god
what are we supposed to do
we truly what are we supposed to do like it was 15 minutes late 15 minutes late and then his mic
breaks four times it's clearly what it clearly wasn't going to work it's the thing it's completely
not gonna work okay well let's just let's just... We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
Hi, Ben, Jack, and Hessa.
Hi, Dylan. I'm 4ODillon.
It's not a fuck on Patreon.
I've been a patron for a while.
Don't have a... Why are you saying fuck like that?
I thought he said he was jacked at work.
Hang on.
I thought that
because of the transcription, I thought
this was a question about him jacking off.
Which is why I put this.
Oh, as well. I've been
Oh, hi Ben
Jock and Hessa.
Which transcript I've been
jacking has said my
name is doing.
I've been jacking.
Alright, let's do a real question.
Well, let's continue it.
I really appreciate you guys.
You are very funny and very insightful.
And have a good rest of the fucking year or whatever.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, Dylan.
Thank you, Dylan.
We appreciate that.
We're going to have an amazing rest of the day
handling our beautiful co-host, Jock.
Yeah.
We're going to really have to talk about that.
Hi, Ben, shock, and Hessa.
Yeah, hi, Ben, shock.
He's literally, his mood will literally reset in an hour
and he'll be fine.
I know.
Let's just ignore him.
Let's just ignore him for the rest of the day
and tomorrow he'll be like,
hey, y'all, you're my best friends i love you guys all right let's play this one right
oh no let's save this one let's save this one let's do another one okay okay let's get an
actual question that's a really funny question though that's a straight person question oh my god okay that's a long one
yeah let's do this okay hi this is nomi first time long time so i am a trans woman that likes
to date other trans women you know that classic situation but the issue is all the trans girls in my town are all poly and or insane
and i'm just wondering like how do i find my queen i'm not trying to be part of a weird polycule
thank you for the advice guys yeah this is a classic problem of the trans community which is
like are you guys all in polycules like that? All of them are.
There's so many poly.
There's so many, like, you know, it's hard to find.
See, why can't you guys just do what gay guys do
and just fuck each other and not have it be a polycule?
I mean, gay guys start to do that.
I'm like, we all need to stop.
That's the thing.
Yeah, just fuck each other.
Why does it have to be this...
No, but, like, it depends on it depends on like i mean no one that i
know calls it a polycule actually oh but they all function as such in one yeah basically yeah
well see that's fine yeah i mean i i think if you're looking for a serious thing though if
you're looking for a long-term kind of moment it can be frustrating maybe start
dating a trans mask guys like the other color come straight actually no for real that's what
you should do like date a trans mask guy i know some really hot ones i know nomi i'll hook you up
nomi hit us up has to send you my number i think she's still convinced
he doesn't really pass that well but he's super sweet
he doesn't pass at all he doesn't pass at all misgendering I mean sorry he can be a huge queen
he is
completely you can tell with the mustache
his face
you can tell with all the
BPD he's still got a female brain
yeah you can tell the mustache
his face
he is completely
girl brain
completely girl brain completely girl completely girl brain hopeless
no that that really sucks yeah it's a relatable i mean i would say i would say this is
i would say this is a um a predicament of age i would say say. I think, Nomi, once you turn 30-something, you're going to
find out that a lot of people
are
dissatisfied with their
gluttonous
polycule ways, and
we'll start pairing off. That's what I think
will happen. That's where they convert to Islam.
That's where they start to convert to Islam.
Exactly.
The dolls are converting.'s gonna that's i mean that's happening already but that's gonna be the moment in all
seriousness i would say just you know wait it out and um maybe have a few select picks for for you know where you want to go
after the polycules um kind of naturally dissolve i mean i don't think i don't think anyone knows
um polycules that last for you know over a year for a reason no i mean they all end up kind of
hating each other yeah in my experience shifts around in them you know everything always everyone always it's always yeah someone's still in a polycule
after a year but it's like not the same people so no me what i would say to do is um just make
your presence generally known in this sea of polycules don't fuck any of them. Don't bang any of them. But just, you know, put yourself out there in a sexy way.
That's a good idea.
Be pious.
And then once they all start to crumble.
Be religious.
Yes.
Really proselytize them.
Yes, proselytize them.
Ask them if they've heard of the Lord and Savior at all the parties.
Look down on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But in like a pitiful way not like an angry way
in a way that like is you think less of them as people yeah or that or that you could save them
from their ways you know kind of the way actually but there should be a little
glint in your eye that says no one can see disgust oh yeah not even god yeah yeah yeah
and so then i mean you do that for five years
so it's gonna it's a five-year plan you're gonna have to you're gonna have to do that you're gonna
you're gonna have to hold that posture about five years but when all of them break up
who's coming to nomi's open arms to have a normal relationship.
Look who's come crawling back
ready to be normal.
Two trans women, one trans woman
wearing a hijab.
Look who's ready to be normal.
Look who's ready to be normal now.
Well, well, well, well, if it isn't
Mrs. Normal.
Trans woman on a job being right. well well well well if it isn't mrs normal open arms look who's ready to be normal some doll crawling out of bergheim kate out of her fucking mind literally crawling because she can't even walk
because literally yeah crawling right into your arms no me i think that's some
of the best advice we've ever given i'll be yeah absolutely absolutely that's really good advice
the way we tore five years of going to parties like a nun just shutting everyone literally just looking down on everyone
whapping the chaos people's hands
with a ruler
arms folded literally in the corner
at all times
going into the rooms where they're doing like drugs
every time but not doing any drugs
just watching them
and disapprovingly
throwing down a prayer rug. Yes, yeah.
Should we do one more?
Yeah, I think we can do one more. I can keep going.
We can go until we're done.
Let's just do that.
Let's see.
What's this one?
What's this one?
Yeah, let's do this one.
Hey guys, this is Joe
calling in from Vegas. Big fan.
I'm actually reading
a book right now about the
whole Peter Thiel gawker situation.
I know he's
a subject of fascination for you guys.
And my question was,
if you could pick any
journalistic outlet of your own to
destroy, if you were to say
unlimited resources
and be kind of fucking insane
what would you choose?
This is a really good one.
This is an amazing one.
The Seeking Derechms podcast.
No, no.
I would leave
and I would sue you.
It would
completely financially annihilate us. I would leave and then I would sue John. You would leave and destroy me and John.
It would.
Completely financially annihilate us.
The thing is, it's so funny to imagine having limitless resources to do this because it would take about $5,000 to destroy us as a bunch.
Yes, literally less than that.
It would take like $200.
Can you imagine if we had to hire a lawyer
to represent us in court
we would literally hire David
Jock would refuse to hire
David Porcellini because he got a
deal on crab daddy
Thompson
crab daddy Joe
my lawyer's a
crab y'all
hang on
I got the world famous
i got the law gator a famous alligator who gets every court case he does oh my god no we could
get juan lafanta the um very famous uh new orleans um lawyer who i love him big frida big frida did all of his ads
one lafonta one lafonta it's they're really really good ads um so buffalo has famous
buffalo has two really famous lawyers two of the most famous lawyers ever i don't think
des moines does there's no june salino and Barnes in Buffalo. Oh. Yeah, no Jews or Italians.
What publication would I want to...
Maybe Quillette.
I mean, of course, the New York Times,
but that's an amazing one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The failing New York Times, absolutely.
The failing New York Times is amazing.
Also, that's the thing,
is that if you have limitless resources,
that's crazy.
I guess you can go after whoever.
You gotta go as big.
Go for the white whale.
You know,
you gotta go for the times.
Okay,
so then the times.
Yeah.
I think,
well,
I would go for,
hmm,
yeah,
I think,
or the Guardian.
I would take down the Guardian.
Oh,
yeah.
Wait,
no,
because who's gonna publish
Adrian Childs'
I think the Guardian
still does some, you know, cool stuff. Who going to publish Adrian Childs? I think The Guardian still does some, you know, cool stuff.
Who's going to publish Adrian Childs doing things like,
I was tickled as an adult.
I don't know who that guy is.
Is he one of these crank article writers?
These scribblers?
Yeah, no, he's literally the greatest article writer ever.
All of his headlines are so famously insane and
incredible they're always like um like i hang on let me look up adrian child well i know i know
people say that the daily beast um does is responsible for some good reporting i completely
tuned out of caring about reporting or journalism quite a while ago to be
honest um but they were the um paper that published the article that got me fired so i would love to
just get one back over on the daily beast yes yes yes yes um oh my god this guy looks evil
he wrote an article about um russell brand oh my god yes wait he said evil. Adrian Giles is... He wrote an article about Russell Brand.
Oh my god, yes.
Wait, he said,
Every autumn I am shunned by friends and neighbors,
but I think I've finally broken the curse.
Adrian Giles, that's his newest...
Year after year, I struggle to give away
an enormous crop of scarred, worm-eaten apples
while everyone's...
Okay, no, I'm sorry.
I totally agree with him.
I totally agree with him here.
The picture of him is so beautiful i british bulldog um i a friend of our our podcast the trash future podcast i think interviewed him hassa i have been i'm not even kidding i have actually
been struggling to give away um apples from a farm really only that you have just like that do have bites from
worms in them sorry that's what happens when you don't put pesticides on your apples
worms get in them but then they leave them and then people are like i don't want to eat it it's
like okay well enjoy your pesticide apple you're fucking freak i probably totally totally agree with him on the apple thing
you're completely you are so child's felt the way that you see me all my neighbors hate me
neighbors hate this one weird trick
all right what do you think you want to do another therapy has one big flaw
as i've seen for myself but i know how to fix it
most most talking cures involve just one person telling their version of events
let's hear from their nearest and dearest i've created a monster can nothing save me
from the tomato plant from hell all i wanted was some
delicious homegrown produce now i'm the one who's likely to end up as dinner
he's gonna get killed by his tomato plant is really no child is that's that's what that's
the only reason i wouldn't want to destroy the guardian is just because they publish his um
yeah adrian childs needs a job yeah
well what what publication would you take what are you taking out say this this could i mean this
could this could apply to things other than publications would be really fun oh my god
cool that would be a tablet i would love to take out tablet i hate tablets so much i would and
again i don't think it'd take that much money. It's much like
you could probably run them out of town with like
$100,000. Yeah.
You could do this to individual
people as well. You know, you could
Oh, we should do call-in.
We should take out call-in.
Yes.
Former employers.
Fuck them. Fuck the call-in app we can finally say it we can finally say it we can finally say it i mean we finally say we were the only funny show on that app right we were number like seven
in the charts we were no we have to like number behind the six oh we were four wait we were number
like four yeah we got to four we were three at it for four. Behind the six. Oh, we were four. Wait, we were number like four. Yeah, we got to four.
We were three for a while.
Behind the most transphobic people on Earth.
That's imaginable.
Literally like the Michael Tracy hour.
Like Jesse Singles' fun time.
Yeah.
I mean, we should do that to Jesse Singles.
Yeah, okay.
I would love to take down Jesse Singles.
Would you though? don't you love
having a foil no i do love having him around i completely love having him around who else are
you going to show your lunch to every day pictures of my lunch pictures of my food has he ever
responded to those no he responded to me one time ever and i almost got suspended because of it
oh which is i oh you sent a picture
of his address you did that that classic oh where you doxed him i do have his address i do have his
no but i um i did he replied to me and said something and i was like can you look at my other
messages to you why haven't you replied to any of those and he said sorry my
assistant will be right on that is like sarcastically and i changed my name on twitter
to jesse singles assistant and changed my picture to a picture of heath ledger as the joker and i
replied and said jesse singles assistant here he's right i'm looking into it and i'm gonna come and
find you and touch your penis and balls or something.
Bad, bad.
No, no, no.
I got in trouble for that one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'm functionally suspended from my big Twitter account.
Why?
Oh, yeah. I don't remember.
I don't remember my email or password.
So funny.
Because that was my ninth Twitter.
Because forever, i was just constantly
getting banned and i was making up emails all the time just to get back into twitter and so you're
in one of them i have my old one i'm on the account that was that i got reactivated because
when musk took over he allowed you to get back old band accounts if you could say that they were um
banned political persecution yeah yeah um well i didn't well i guess like maybe i don't know
it depends it depends on how your scope of what right wing is um i just said i was banned for
personal um uh political beliefs.
Beliefs, and those beliefs were bullying Mitski off Twitter.
Yes.
I forgot about Mitski.
One of my favorite things.
One of your proudest moments.
Yeah.
Should I find the article?
Should I read the article about that?
I don't think I've ever read it on this show before.
It's pretty funny.
It's from a,
this was in,
and for the record,
I think Mitski's like first album,
second album are like totally fine
and like acceptable
and not even worth.
They're great.
I really like them.
Worth mocking.
Yeah.
I loved Mitski,
but who I hated.
And I mean, she, I mean, she's taking the shtick a little
too far um in my opinion but she's taking this a little too far she's taking this a little too
we've heard it we've heard the music we've truly heard enough um i'm trying to find the articles
in nylon my at at the time was poopy girl so i have to search
nylon at poop at poopy girl so funny well it was an alt of mine that i was using
um and this was like the height of mitski's um like first run of like you know being super super popular um and i just i couldn't put up
with the attitude that everyone had about criticizing her because there are a few people
who were just like oh i don't really like her music and people were just like how dare you
she's speaking from the heart she's's being vulnerable. She's being earnest.
She's being honest. Blah, blah, blah.
She's a woman. And granted,
this was 2016.
So it was at the...
It's just when
the first
churning of
what now would be called anti-woke
but at the time was just
hating libs.
It used to just be making fun of liberals. And then it became... what now would be called anti-woke but at the time was just like hating libs you know yeah it
used to just be like making fun of liberals and then it became and then it became this huge like
anti-woke thing yeah that is now no longer funny but at the beginning it was very fun because it
was it was like politically cohesive and very funny because it was just making fun of liberals. What was that? Oh, the call.
I leaned on the phone.
Jock got back in here.
I really thought Jock was back in the phone.
I was like, oh, oh, God.
That's literally exactly
what he sounded like.
But at this time, it was
all of these...
Y'all
talking about me again.
But at the time, i was making fun of i knew it um but everyone was just saying like you basically the line was
the line was you cannot criticize mitski because she yeah the party vulnerable in her art and in into into criticize vulnerability is like uh just
absolutely absolute cruelty so you bullied her and so i bullied her off twitter for that
i mean so what happened was i i made a meme it was the epic some listeners might not
know the the tale the story i think i i i've retold this story like two years ago on the
podcast so it's fine to retell now because we've got yeah yeah new listeners in here um but and
we're also at like 115 so who cares yeah um this can be the ending this can be the close there
okay so here we go um this is i guess i won't say what the meme I made was. We'll just get to it.
But Grimes defended Mitski against haters.
Let's be honest.
It was haters.
Wait, what was the meme?
You have to describe the meme.
Should I describe the meme first?
Okay, so the meme was the epic handshake meme,
which, again, at the time, was a pretty new meme.
Yeah.
It was a cutting edge meme.
This is literally what I'm going gonna be talking about in a retirement home
the cia had just invented the epicantic
the cia had just introduced it to the world and so it was it was uh on one side it was Mitski and on the other side it was Rupi Kaur the poem
the poet the poetess
of Rupi Kaur the MC
the MCs and the
secret MC suck of
the week
the MC suck of the
week Rupi Kaur
Rupi Kaur
the famous MC
Rupi Kaur
MC Rupi Kaur
the famous MC one of the great MCs of all time and so on one side it was her and the other side was mitski and then the handshake was um
uh this this it's so wordy and stupid and honestly kind of embarrassing to say now because it again is so
2016 but it said disguising meteor meteorocity with a premeditated earnest aesthetic um which
is just which is just like yeah like you know you're writing like mediocre music but it's so
long as you have the like um insurance policy of being a whiny um sensitive lady you know one can critique you well i love
mitski but that's that is it's 1000 true it's 1000 true literally nuked
when when disagreeable memes targeting mitski began to surface on the internet, fans of all levels of notoriety, Grimes included, came to the singer's defense.
Over the weekend, Twitter user at poopy underscore girl underscore.
Poopy girl.
Poopy girl is so funny.
Thought they were being contrarian and shared a self-made misspelled meme.
I love that they're dunking on me for having a self-made meme.
Bad spelling, how dare you.
Also, I did, I did, I used to and still do struggle spelling aesthetic correctly.
Shared a self-made misspelled meme that claimed that Mitski and Rupi Kaur were disguising me to rockery, blah, blah, blah.
meme that claimed that Mitski and Rupi Kaur were disguising me to rockery
blah blah blah
fans were immediately ready to take up arms for Mitski
I was I had people
I had people
tell me tell me that they were
going to swap me I got so many DMs
that were just like I'm gonna kill you
like you're a piece of shit
poopy girl you will not know
what days rest in your life and my Avi was my Avi was a picture you like you're a piece of shit poopy girl you will not know what day we're going to kill you
and my avi was my avi was a picture of lucinda williams with a black eye
and people people were like of course this of course this old white bitch is getting beat up
by her husband lucinda williams i'm sure you hated that because you're the biggest lucinda stan in the world
i remember in the comments in the thread because i kept going in the thread i remember taking oh i
can't i doubled i tripled quadrupled down on this i was taking um screenshots of rupee car poems and
posting them right next to mitski lyrics and being like, and I removed the title and I was like, oh, can you guys tell me who wrote
which one wrote which one?
Famous MC Rupi Kaur or
Mitski.
And then of course, someone
said, just say you hate
Asian women and go. And I quote tweeted
that and said, oh, okay, I hate Asian
women.
I was, of course joking okay i do love asian women for the recordj was retweeting these at the time but
it was boosted by a very famous dj who also hated mitski with me i really want to know
david no no no no think think more black and trans and bushwick at the time okay okay you
know who i'm talking about i do i do i do and queen um oh yeah she's a queen for that she was
she was ride or die for me for from very early on but this got so much attention and went huge
because i quadrupled down on it and you know a lot a lot of people it was an opinion a lot of people wanted to say because a lot of people have been fed up with
this kind of mandatory mitski love man yeah um and so it eventually got like huge it was like
trending and um grimes said grimes quote tweeted it and said as taylor swift would say
as taylor swift would say people throw rocks at things that shine which is like shut up
grimes another person that sucks like another person whose music is mad for real i made one
good album and then oblivion is a great uh is great but um yeah it's
fun i'm sick of it um yeah it's a little not that good we can stop talking about it we can stop
talking about how good it is it's it's just like it reminds me of like um heartbeats by the knife
it's like one song that was just like really really good at the time but yeah we all
know it anyways basically it became so big and so many um twee people i started i started calling
um mitski fans small beans which was again very funny at the time i was just like y'all the small beans are trying to kill me identify us
yeah they literally um identify small beans it got so bad and so vitriolic towards me
that um minsky minsky minsky's response to the hate was as wholesome and lovely as she is even
there you can tell in this time capsule how doting everyone was on mitski it's like
she could have done anything and it would have been like empathetic queen the woman the woman
who proves i just took a shit the woman who proves that artists feel more than the rest of us um here um mitski's response to the hate was as wholesome
and lovely as she is stating as with all art i'd love if you got something out of mind but if you
didn't that's okay it's not for you i'm grateful for this job either way i'll keep working to earn
the lucky position i'm in and I don't take it for granted.
What a contractual.
It's like, did a lawyer tell you to write that?
That is such a like, you know, make sure you cover all your bases.
Like, really?
She is not that earnest.
This is so this is like contractual language.
But yeah, that's that's about it.
She did then.
You didn't know the topology for you.
Mitski requested that her defenders not say hateful things to people on the internet.
Me.
Telling me to kill myself.
On behalf of her, even though the overwhelming response was flattering.
Grimes replied once again saying what we're what we were all thinking
but we need to troll for somebody um and then mitski uh went dark on twitter and uh just just
rejoined recently actually so oh period it may be it may be time folks poopy girl bad signal
it may be time for a poopy girl to react putting a lucinda williams black guy
picture in this light over new york city calling poopy girl's time has come again
oh what a fun time it was you can't really have fun like that anymore on twitter
you can't have fun like that you really really can't. You can't do it anymore, folks. Folks, they won't
do it. But yeah, how did I even start
talking? Oh, that's, anyways,
that's the account that I got reinstated
due to the hate crimes I just
described.
So Poopy Girl's back
and Mitski's back. Poopy Girl's
been back, yeah, my new account.
I think I changed the app from Poopy Girl.
Is it As Someone Who Now?
Oh, yeah.
It's As Someone Who.
Yeah.
Wait, no.
Never mind.
I'm totally confused.
That was my main account.
That's the one that got reinstated.
As Someone Who was reinstated.
And that was my main account at the time.
And Poopy Girl was my alt.
So Poopy Girl, I could...
I should see if I can get poopy girl
back that'd be fucking iconic girl back at mitski i'm coming for you i'm back the poopy
comes back bitch i'll see you in the octagon i think she's totally fine i think her kind of
her whole shtick has been uh taken over by feed bridgers
for the most part she was lacking miski was lacking for too long yeah crazy it seems like
maybe she felt like she had some overexposure yeah and then too many people are listening to
her music too many people are listening to my music it's causing too much drama online
ugh
whatever I don't believe in karma
good thing I don't believe in karma
good thing I don't believe in karma y'all
alright well let's leave it there
we've got some
other business to attend to
although I
I mean guys if you could if someone
if someone out there wants to kindly wants to help us out and just kindly tell jock that
we didn't bully him yeah we have literally 50 unread messages in the group chat i'm shocked my god stop recording is it really at 50
yeah should we should we do a dramatic reading of them for the podcast
we got the last one we got was 10 minutes ago and it was no response i'm pissed i couldn't
just record like normal well dude you don't have a microphone. Your microphone didn't work. I don't know why that's...
I would love it if he was here as well,
but it's not going to work if you don't have a mic.
No one gave me time to try.
Well, you literally did.
You tried to rejoin four times.
For the listener, we were making like three edits
where he was trying
yeah
whatever
I do have the picture
wait please can I see the picture
before we sign off I need to see the picture
it'll make for good episode art
yes
if he I guess we'll have to get his
approval first um i mean it's okay
hopefully he understands i don't know also this is a free episode imagine being imagine this being
the first episode you listen to of our podcast i just emailed it to you emailed it to me
that's hilarious
oh my god
well I mean
I'm sorry we tried
is it also sorry
is it his birthday today
wait is it really his birthday
I don't think so I think he's just saying
I think he would have mentioned it in this
he said something about it being his birthday
but I think oh I'm pissed he said something about it being his birthday
but I think
oh I'm pissed I couldn't record before my birthday
okay well
he said
another great moment
clearly the Muslim talk was toward me
why couldn't I be a part of that
why couldn't you have been Jock
it's because your mic doesn't work
it's not because we're stopping you from doing it
oh my god the picture the picture of him
so mad
so scary his computer is his computer on the ground the vantage makes no sense behind him it is just ceiling
it's so funny to join the call
angrily without a microphone
and say nothing and just watch his podcast
and just be mad
because you're so mad
that we're still recording the episode
watch us do it and do a thumbs down
every time we make a joke
no
I mean he'll be all right he'll be all right
it's true i mean hey i i would have loved to have him with us but me too i really i know a lot of
these questions were for him i uh voicemail it's time honestly it's time we build we need to start building a chat gpt jock yeah it's time
it would honestly help us if we could automate him that would be so amazing y'all one time i
had a disgusting meal and i went to insane place name yeah the Jewish cemetery
alright well let's
wrap it up there guys thank you so much for listening
thank you everyone
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All right.
We're going to go directly into therapy.
Thank you, everyone.
Bye. Bye-bye. Bye. alright we're gonna go directly into therapy thank you everyone bye Thank you. you