Seeking Derangements - SD 268 - Wet Dreams in Jail w/ Girl God

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Girl God is back to face down an interview conducted by the one Mx. Jacques Gonsoulin, we talk about the most embarrassing moment of everyones life, planning for a live show, Caitlyn Jenner's saying "retarted," and finally Hesse quizzes everyone on SEX. Find tickets for Girl Gods show here: https://girlgodlive.com/

Thanks, we really are the hardest working people in show business. Yeah! APPLAUSE This small touch of red sun and the rain. On the bridge of workers' pots and peas and thorns. Back to my sleepless night. Okay, so everybody, hello. Welcome to the most fantastic show in the entire universe besides the Girl God live show for Christmas in New York on November 9th?

December 10th. December 10th. December 10th. December 10th. Anyway, we got Girl God. December 10. December 10. December 10. December 10. Anyway, we got Girl God. And you guys should come out because all of Seeking Derangements is going to be on the show. The first time that Seeking Derangements has ever been live on stage.

But let me introduce the most beautiful women in the world. These women are so important. These women are... Wait, who are they? You, you dummies. April. Damn, I thought you got hot girls on the show because we were coming on. Yeah, damn.

I asked you to get girls on here too. You said as young as possible. You kept saying younger than me. Younger than me. April texting me at 2 in the morning saying can you please bring babies

to the meeting to the meeting to the meeting I'm like hello whose number is this because I don't save numbers but for the list I guess you can introduce your your beautiful interview

no you go so you start you had something to say, didn't you? No, no, no. That's fine. Okay, okay, okay. You're taking the reins for this part. I'm about to conduct a beautiful interview so all you listeners out there can really get to know Grace and April for who they are. That's Barbara Walters'

famous sign-on. He's like, I'm here with Fidel Castro Castro I'm about to conduct a beautiful interview before I conduct this beautiful interview we were just talking about life and love before we started recording

and we were talking about the lengths we'll go for these beautiful women and I've started watching Battlestar Galactica in the last week is that a non sequitur for a woman yeah

is it because of someone on the show speaking of love and loss I started watching Battlestar it's because of a woman and I'm I can't stay away and I'm very interested is Is it this Jill person? No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Not Jilly. Is it this Jill person? No, not Jilly. It's Jock's wife and they're best friends. We're best friends. It's like if Hessa and Ben started dating. Yuck! Which we are secretly behind your back.

Yeah! But I'm making yuck. But we are secretly behind your back. But I'm making a lot of compromises and I'm realizing that I have a affliction for Canadian women. And I'll leave it at that. What is it about them?

Okay, so this interview so far has been no questions. What is it about them? April and I are going to need to ask Okay, sorry this interview so far has been no questions. What is it? April and I are going to need to ask a question. I just can't stop with the Canadian women. Every corner I turn

it's like another beautiful Canadian woman. Thoughts? I have to move to Canada. Whenever I've had a Canadian woman in my life, I've gone really crazy. You go feral. I go fucking maple syrup mad. See, I think I have a theory that the politeness of the Canadian,

it really hides a violence. You know, I think that... Yeah, yes, actually, right? I think it's like... It's a whole country that did Achilles of the Flower Moon. Yes, it's like a thin veneer. Like 150 years ago, they were literally beating each other's heads in with the backs of axes in the woods.

And now to make up for it, they're like, Oh, it's real nice out, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's wonderful weather. Wonderful weather out there. They seem to save weather politeness or they'll devolve into yeah the kind of violence that's a maple matterful yeah careful uh careful driving up here you know i know we got moose up here i know you don't got moose down there in pa but you know we got moose up here. Going about even 20 kilometers an hour, Moose could really mess up your fender. Okay, interview began. So Grace and April, when you first decided to create the name Girl God, did you have in mind that y'all were superior to all other women and that all other women were inferior to you.

Or did you name your podcast or your like your little get together group? Girl God. Our little get together group. Your treehouse. Your clubhouse. Did you name it Girl God because you two view yourselves as gods among humans who are better than everyone?

Um, I mean, yeah. That's April's answer. Grace and April are looking off screen at their manager mouthing, did you screen to these questions? And they're angry. Yeah, our PR people are.il just threw a stapler off the screen i thought it was like i mean the honest answer

to this this is that it was a name that i had in the backup in my back pocket for like a long time, years and years ago, I thought up of it and I just didn't know what to use it for. I think the, the first time I thought about using it was I was talking to a friend years and years ago about maybe doing a show, but we had like half a conversation about it. And when April and I decided to do a show and we didn't know a conversation about it and when april and i

decided to do a show and we didn't know it was going to be this big comedy duo thing i just what i thought was funny about it was like just i think all of the girl boss stuff and whatnot is like what making like what i think is like this like more than it's like manipulation and misuse of like feminism is that like the i the individualism of it like being like i i am not just one of the good ones but i get to be saying that like i'm one of the good ones and i'm also the feminist at the same time i'm saying that you know so like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too using therapy language to like yes exactly and like this empowerment shit yeah i basically said all this in one word i just thought it was making fun of that individualism

shit i mean that's the real that's the sincere answer but but april does view herself as better than everyone including me so that is her truth and then my truth is what i said oh so i finally understand the dynamic now and I really understand the background of what's going on. You're like, this is a real Frost Nixon, Jock. Yeah. We're in a Frost Nixon right now. So let me ask you both a question. How often do you go to the library, and then how often do you check out library books to read?

This is a really good question, Jock. Do you want to take it first? Do not tell us the titles of any of the books. We've been working on Grace's reading skills, so we've been going to the library together a lot recently to check out

some of the books for... Right now we're at a second, third grade level. Underdeveloped women. Yeah, but we're working our way up. Underdeveloped women. That's like literally... I'm sorry to interrupt you, April,

but that is literally my favorite section of the New York Public Library, the Underdeveloped Women's Book Studies section. Oh, wow. You go there a lot? Yeah, oh my God. To meet girls? No, because I'm a woman in development. Oh, wow. You go there a lot? Yeah, oh my god. To meet girls? No, because I'm a woman in development.

To meet girls. To meet second and third graders. That's been the hardest part about teaching Grace to read. It's half the time we go to the library and she meets some woman. Adult women. I'm not implying anything. An adult woman who's looking for

someone with my brain characteristics. And April says they're trying to manipulate me, but who's ever manipulated someone by sucking their fucking cock? That's a good question. No one has ever done that. That doesn't make sense.

That's a really good point, Grace. Unless you use your tongue inside the mouth to control it like a joystick and make them move their hands and do things. Ratatouille, but I'm sucking on your dick. Yeah, like a Ratatouille. The visual of Ratatouille sucking someone off is so foul.

And then use it like an x-ray vision. Picture like an x-ray vision of the hard penis inside the mouth being steered around by the tongue from the grab it grabbing it from the tip and then his arms are cooking a beautiful souffle you would think though

wouldn't you think that um wouldn't you think that, um... Wouldn't you think that, like, that Ratatouille would be using the pubes to control the penis? Well, that's like... That doesn't make any fucking sense, Grace. The pubes are like a... Yeah, the pubes are like a genuine...

That's basically... That's nonsense. That's like saying, wouldn't you rather use an Xbox controller than the Kinect? You know, you're living in the past. Clearly Grace watches American Dad and has

seen the episode where Klaus controls Klaus controls him with his youth. I wasn't thinking of that but yes I have. For Steve to be a great water polo player. Yes! Oh my god. So Grace was plagiarizing

and we were coming up with original ideas. Yeah, we were coming up with much more disgusting. How original were those ideas for Rick and Morty? Oh my god. How original were the ideas I picked?

Gotcha. I don't want to talk about Rick and Morty I'm just kidding I do okay really quick break from the interview every time I look at my Rick and Morty shoes I think of you Grace you have Rick and Morty

shoes? I have Rick and Morty Pumas what makes them Rick and Morty? should I Israeli shoes. You have Israeli shoes that have Rick and Morty on them? No. No, look, look, look. Puma's a BDS company.

Wait, what? What does that mean? It means those shoes were made in Israel. Dick sucker? Oh, wait, really? Yeah. I'm not getting rid of my Rick and Morty sneaks yeah you bought those before

well you do support Israel too I do not support Israel you dumb fucking whore I didn't think there was anything wrong with owning Rick and Morty shoes but now I'm beginning to wonder this is a perfectly normal thing to own. Look, again, I don't want to get too distracted from our interview.

This is a perfectly normal thing for an adult to own. I had two and a half hours before a Pelicans game once, and I knew I wanted to get a fresh, new, athletic outfit to wear to the stadium. So I went to the Athlete's Foot, where they sell Adidas, Nike. That's not the name of the store. They call it the Athlete's Foot, where they sell Adidas, Nike. That's not the name of the store. That is the name. Why is every place in New Orleans have a Grand Theft Auto 4 name?

I went to this place and I was just buying shoes and all the Pelicans, Pelican shorts, Pelican shirt, Pelican pants. And i bought like six or seven pairs of shoes and i was like done and then i was walking on the store and then this guy was like damn this employee and i was like what he's like you're not gonna cop those r Rick and Morty shoes? And I was like, you got tricked by an employee into buying Rick and Morty

shoes? He tried them on in front of me. He's like, are you sure? He didn't even put them on your feet. The sales tactic that works best on Jacques is when you put something on yourself and you say, you can't have these.

You can't have these. Give me those. I bought all those before you did. I was like, oh my God. I was like, yay. Come to find out, I go home and I put them under the microscope as I usually do when I buy any product new

to make sure there's no factory. You went into the bathroom and went to where your toilet is and took the microscope from there that you use when you pee. No, no, no. No, listen to this. This is really fucking insane.

I still love these shoes regardless. There's a small, about the size of when you put your thumb and your index finger or whatever finger this is together, that hole you make. The size of this it was a tiny section of a tiny section of

so the bottom of the shoes are the print of the portal gun from Rick and Morty and the portal gun had a scratch on it and you could tell that someone had hand painted with acrylic paint

on top of this pattern wait so it probably all wore off no it's still there it's all good it was hand painted on the bottom of the shoes and it's still there no no no you're saying that they just it said Andy on the bottom

of the shoe and someone painted over it I see look I regardless Andy under it said Andy on the bottom of the shoe and someone paints it over it look I regardless can I ask you a question yeah sure are we in a toy story situation where you're a life-size teddy bear and you've just gotten a shave

I've never thought about that before that would explain a lot honestly yes I want to stand up so bad to show my 7XL because I'm wearing my shirt it's just his penis I want to stand up so bad to show my 7XL y'all know what wearing an outfit

Pooh Bear style is it's just wearing like a big shirt yeah so yes that's what it is that's what it is no you can't see you cannot see my penis if I stood up don't worry oh without the microscope yeah

damn that's a lot for you tiny titties shut up wow sorry I can't even wow this interview could not be more off the rails yeah that's a really bad interview

approach sorry let me start again if your man calls if your man is looking at the tits of a trans woman and calls them tidy look he's gay no no look she called my penis small i called her boob small i thought it was fair uh you called i know i don't think that's fair. I think the penis is worse. Yeah.

I think I win still. I don't think you really got me. Okay, so back to this beautiful little interview I have of you two. What really inspired you to continuously wear those things on the front of your faces? Our glasses? Yes. Yes. What's like the main force driving

to wear those? Mostly seeing. Jacques, I think you ran out of questions because there's no way and you just improvised that one because there's no way no he has them all memorized you forgot to think of

a single question for sure uh uh you texted me and said can I do a 20 minute interview at the beginning of the show and you didn't plan out a single question. No, I really did plan out a single question. But it's just one question.

I planned out a single question. Okay, I'm going to be honest. Yes, yes, I was winging it. Fine, you caught me. But I really thought I would look at them and I would have questions. Usually I look at them and I have questions. You're admitting that you didn't plan.

Yeah, I admire your ambition and you know, hardiness of thinking I could do 20 minutes with no questions. Okay, one last last chance one last question okay

okay why they wear glasses why they wear glasses both of you what was the most embarrassing thing to happen to you in the last few years and I want like literally the most embarrassing thing to happen to you in the last few years? And I want like, like literally the most embarrassing situation.

We don't have to do the most embarrassed because it might get a little blue. Jacques's questions are, why do you wear glasses? And what's the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you? What's your deepest, darkest secret? What's your deepest, darkest secret? Look, if you need me to start that's fine I can well we know you have no

you know you have no no qualms about sharing I'll match the level of sharing that you get let's try to keep it funny though Jacques it's my first night in jail and I've

been sentenced to three and a half weeks and I'm 17 years old. You said recently. Well, I just thought a classic embarrassing story. You said you were sentenced to three and a half weeks? Yeah.

Okay, so i go to the jail in lafayette and i'm coming down from so many psychedelic drugs and it was just so bad and i was like y'all how much worse can this first night get so i went to bed and I don't know what triggered me to have like the worst wet dream and to be in my life. The worst? What does that mean? As in you didn't know at all. Nothing came out. I initially. It wasn't that pleasure pleasure but it was too bad

I'm gonna be very I'm gonna be very frank with y'all I initially thought I pissed myself because there was such a big wet spot and I

was so embarrassed you don't have to share this I I went right back to bed I was so embarrassed. Jacques, you don't have to share this. I went right back to bed and I just pretended that I was sick. Sick with a what? No, I don't know. I'm sick. I'm so sick I came in my pants.

Look it up. I'm feeling really sick. I made myself throw up so I wouldn't have to leave. sick I came in my pants look it up it just slipped off I made myself throw up so I wouldn't have to leave you know I it was bad I was embarrassed but a week later

everything was fine and I watched face off in English and then in Spanish it took a week for everything to get fine. It took a week for it to dry. It took a week for it to clear up. Did you wipe it off? Or did you just let it dry?

You said yeah like you were not sure. You were going to lie or tell the truth. I thought to wipe it up. I don't think you even thought to wipe it up. I don't even think you thought to wipe it up. Well, I wasn't going to walk to a guard and be like, I cum myself. Can you help me? I cum myself.

Mom, I cum myself. Mom, I cum myself. mom I culled myself mom I culled myself mom I culled myself and it took me a week to get normal after that because I was still coming down from having done still coming no no no

for a week it wouldn't stop I had the guy have it wouldn't stop I had the guy have you guys seen that news clip of the guy who can't stop working as a man? Oh a trans woman now by the way she transitioned really? yes no!

wait what clip? I haven't seen it congratulations what happened? explain it it's this person who can't stop nutting. It's true. It's like a local news thing. My life is a living hell because I literally come

every five seconds and there's just like literally like a stiff breeze will make it happen. Which is not even trans. It was just the only way to stop coming was to start taking I think that might have been it I think

I think she said it helped like an interview or something that's right so do you guys have a story that's that's that's that embarrassing no I'm gonna pass oh come on April you've got

stories no I'm gonna pass oh come on April you've got to get a job embarrassing stories say something come on okay I'll try to one time I was doing coke with Timothy Chalamet and Margot Robbie and I totally spilled it off the table give us

try doing impersonation I got one I'll try to match Jacques so I one time got one. I'll try to match Jacques. One time I came inside of a beautiful woman though. Oh my god. That's so embarrassing.

How could you even tell that on the air? First of all, I would appreciate it if you're not going to brag in my face about whatever glorious life you've lived. Coming in women whenever you want to. to tell that on the air. First of all, I would appreciate if you're not going to brag in my face about you know, whatever, what glorious life you've lived, coming in women whenever you want to. Well, no. That was the opposite.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. If that's the end of the story, I mean, what's so fucking embarrassing about that? Well, that's nothing. I was just trying to match tonally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You tell a story about coming. I tell a story about

coming. So I guess you just must have misheard when I said say the most embarrassing story you have available. But I mean if you don't want to... Getting indignant when your guests won't answer the question. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in your entire life? getting indignant when your guests getting indignant

when your guests won't answer the question what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in your entire life don't make me turn red what is that don't make me turn red don't make me turn red I swear to god I'll do it

you won't like me when I'm red what's gonna happen if you turn red You won't like me when I'm red. What's going to happen if you turn red? You don't want to know. Jacques, I'm proud of you. You haven't done a single dab this entire recording yet. Yeah, because it's too far away for me to reach. Okay.

I would have been and then there's three bings in the freezer and two in the freezer and two in the freezer? Yeah, and two tapachicos. When I wake up, I put three bings in the freezer

and two tapachicos in the freezer so that I can... I drink three bings a day. I started to having to buy two cases of bing a month. What? So I...

I don't even know what that is. Do you know what Bing is? Sometimes I stop at the grocery store when I'm running errands and I buy a Bing while I'm at the store. Wait, what is Bing? What's Bing? Are you being serious right now

is bing different than bang do you mean bang energy no I know that Grace and April commonly mishear things and don't understand things but Hessa out of you oh my god it's real what is this

he's bing energy no it's bing it's different it's locally, it's real? What is this? No, it's Bing. It's different. It's locally made. It's small. Bing Crisp? It's small batch disgusting toxic energy drink. It's not toxic. Don't say that about it.

It's delicious. If you put them in your freezer, don't they explode? Not if you pull them out on time. I don't trust you to pull them out on time it's it's it's I don't trust you to pull them out on time how long have they been in there you can go and pull them out if you want if you want to

okay sprinted out several times in my life I've made the mistake of being like yeah I'm just gonna put a diet coke in the freezer to get it cold every time i forget and have to clean the whole freezer and it's a disaster i don't do it anymore it's not worth it i turned my fridge too cool i didn't even realize this was a thing that could happen and i had a glass bottle of iced tea explode all over whoa and then the woman who discovered that that was the case

a week ago told me that we can be in a relationship because she couldn't see having a baby with me ever and and and that's probably the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in the last few years someone tell you that really makes you look at your life think wow what a slob what a useless what a useless person you know so that's embarrassing it's very embarrassing to have someone tell you, I cannot see having a life with you because you are too irresponsible. I just want to remind both Grace and Jacques that no one is making you share anything. They are just volunteering all of this information about your lives and bad judgments people have made of you and bad things that have happened to you. April, you know why we do it?

Did the bings explode? Hesse, you know why we do it? Did the bings explode? Hessa, you know why we do it? Why? We do it for you, and we do it for you. And we do it for all the listeners out there. Who were you pointing to first when you said you? Because you don't want to even share a mildly embarrassing thing that happened to you.

No, that's not my brand. April's like, yeah, I have an embarrassing story for y'all. Third grade, I actually farted in front of the class, and it's haunted me since, and I've never been able to fart in public. Yeah, that didn't happen to me. April's like, I've got an embarrassing story. When I turned 12, I was recruited by the military to stop a hive mind from invading the earth,

and I thought I was playing a game where I was controlling an armada of ships to kill them April's embarrassing story is she got caught in an Ender's Game situation God y'all I love that series of books

Have you read Speaker for the Dead? Three times. It's one of the best books of all time. I think it's the best of the series. Hey, so last time Grace and I came on the show, you guys were talking about starting a kind of spin-off series. How's that going? Yeah, how's that been going?

I just want to know. I kind of had money on it not ever happening. I just want to make sure that was a good bet. We started talking about making it happen. It's been like a month and a half, maybe. It hasn't been a month and a half. It's been like six weeks. In that six weeks,

Jock has not had a working mic yet. Okay, look. Look, look, look. Let me do two sentences to address the microphone catastrophes of the great 2023. Because this is your fourth new mic, and it exploded when you plugged it in, right? It's your fifth new microphone.

Today, I saw electricity come out of this microphone. It is the first time I have ever plugged it in. And I changed out every single wire, every single device, the audio interface, everything. It's the fucking USB-C to USB converter. It's the fucking USB-C to USB-C converter. Because I'm looking at it and I've changed every other wire. You're looking at it. I'm looking at it. How is it looking at it. I'm looking at it.

How is it looking? Bad. It's looking bad? Yeah. Like visually? Like it's gray. I don't like that color. Okay.

I have a gray one that works. It would be. I would like to say that April is acting high and mighty about this but I'm the one who purchased all of the tech I got all of the tech together for us to do a podcast and April does run the tech

but I did like that's true I gave her the palette to paint her masterpieces to run the audio you gave her the palette to paint her masterpieces to run the audio you gave her the palette and set up the easel and the

and the canvas and I protected her from the Austro-Hungarian empire where she's from as her new patron of her art of helping me record a podcast and so now she is in Venice

protecting is this the plot of the Danish girl this is the plot of the Danish girl that's so great so are there any other interview questions or is that it I think the interview is over I think the interview is over

I think you want to finish strong and you obviously did not. So let's give you one more chance to like give us something we can home run. Yeah. Give us an easy ball. Okay, fine. What's your both of your favorite movies?

Don't you dare gasp at me, you frightening ghost of a ghoul beach your ghoul don't you dare gasp at me ghoul beach that is even where you're from PS second last question Grace

how are we going to make this show happen no we're not talking about this that's a bad interview question how are we going to make this show happen? No, we're not talking about this. That's a bad interview question. It would be easy to make it happen. We could just hop on a Zoom band. None of you guys know anything about recording. Let's talk about this later.

It would be easy. Grace is going to come to me in six weeks and be like, I don't understand, April. We were on a Zoom for four hours. Where is it? Where is all of the podcast? We talked for so long. Have y'all been

watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City because they just had the same thing. I actually was watching it with Camille the other day and they were trying to set up the podcast and put it and Camille was like I can't believe someone gets paid so much money to like set up their podcast for them or whatever

it can't be that hard and I actually was defending the job of someone who comes in and sets up the podcast because it's actually difficult and they're getting paid extra to have to look at Seth or Meredith Marx. Yes.

That's like, it's a lot to take in. Seth, not Meredith Marx. Meredith is a gorgeous queen. Okay, Jacques, have you... My favorite movie... I think we're moving on from the interview. Yeah, let's move on. I can't say my favorite movie

you can't say your favorite movie I'm not allowing it I think my favorite movie is probably in this moment in this moment where I feel you're basically spitting in Huss' face right now yeah what happened to my

oh my god I watched I like Ridley Scott I watched Blade Runner for the first time last week with that same Battlestar Galactica okay we're not talking about Blade Runner again we're not talking about Battlestar Galactica what about diddling tots and it's like Ridley Scott

but he's diddling tots that's a really good one April thank you thank you for getting us back on track we're all at our respective worst but April's worst speak for yourself I'm firing on all cylinders here

that's April's best okay Hessa what did you have to say I have some topics because I knew that the interview would probably not take up the whole thing oh my god did you guys see the Taylor Swift Christ the Redeemer thing interview would probably not take up the whole thing. Oh my god. Did you guys see the Taylor Swift Christ the Redeemer thing?

Oh yeah, I did actually. Did someone put... Was that real? Did someone really put a t-shirt? It was fake and then they actually did it. Oh wow. Like two hours ago they actually did it. That says so much about our society.

That says so much about our society. That says so much about our society. That's how the world fucking works. You know, fake it until someone else makes it. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about. Do you know what we're talking about? Not even a little bit. They projected a Taylor Swift tour shirt

on the statue of Christ the Redeemer. Whoa. in Brazil. Do you know what that statue is? You don't know what the statue is. I'm stretching my arms out like he has his arms. He has his arms like that. I am actually Christian so why don't you zip it?

So you know all about that statue. Are you Catholic, Jock? I'm Catholic. Are you Catholic, Chuck? I'm Catholic. No, you're not. Are you? I am Catholic. I am raised Catholic. My mom is one of 17 children. Cajun Catholic.

In my grandparents' house when they were still alive, there is a signed document by Pope John Paul II that said this family is blessed by the Catholic Church and Pope John Paul II. I this family is blessed by the Catholic Church and Pope John Paul II. I think my grandparents have one of those too. That's like a really funny scam

that the Vatican was running on old people. That's so cool. If you buy this piece of paper, we can give you free, you know, you get into it. What is that called? Didn't Jesus have indulgences? We really got to bring back indulgences.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not exactly that, but we got to bring back indulgences it's not exactly that but we gotta bring it back y'all should bring God back to girl God we do need to bring God back y'all really have been lacking spirituality I don't really listen to podcasts that would be a funny show

if you did it like a revival tent show that'd be good That'd be good. That'd be good. Y'all would be great women of the church. Yeah. Did you guys see that Caitlyn Jenner's newest tweet?

Yeah, I did. Who wants to say it? Retarded? Wait, what did she say? She said that's retarded she tweeted someone tweeted I can't remember who it was like why can't we say the R word anymore

and yeah Caitlin replies I'll say it dot dot dot retarded with a T I think it was a Donald Trump tweet or truth I think it was on Truth Social or something. No, it was on

Twitter. Was it? Yeah, it was actually on Twitter. Quoting Trump. I think it was Trump or something. I think it would be so much easier for society to just rename mentally retarded people to a new name. There is

one, Jock. There is one. there is one jock there is one we gotta stop calling them mentally retarded no no no no no no no no no what year is it you know listen hear me out hear me out to make society stop stop stop seriously seriously seriously seriously seriously seriously to make society better we allow everyone in the world to use the word retard as we grew up using it but now mentally retarded people get an even cooler more better name a more respectful name. And there will never, there will no more.

That's not cool no more. Jock, there is there, yeah, intellectually disabled. Oh, Grace. Grace, please don't call me mean names.

No, that's how I am. I wasn't saying you are intellectually disabled I'm not intellectually disabled don't say that Kaylin Jenner was responding to a Trump Jr. tweet in which he said I know you're not allowed to use the R word that was a big part of our vernacular

growing up if you're my age but there has to be exceptions right because this is key smash how much do the Democrats hate the world do they ever learn Caitlyn Jenner in the replies I'll say it all caps retarded

oh my god. So cool. So was it like intentional or did she genuinely not know how to spell it? No, she corrected herself. Do we think they had sex? Probably. Caitlyn Jenner and... Wait, I actually was watching

also with my girlfriend an episode of Caitlyn Jenner and Wait I actually was watching Also With my girlfriend an episode of Kardashians the other day And one of them The blonde one Which one is that? I don't know Okay whatever

Chloe No Chloe Chloe was like I'm gonna start a podcast But then she was like I don't'm going to start a podcast but then she was like I don't think I should start a podcast because so Kris Jenner was like you really got to start a podcast and Chloe was like I can't

I can't start a podcast because it's so much pressure you know what if I slip up and I call Caitlin Bruce you know that if i slip up and and i call caitlin bruce you know that was the first that was the first thing that she could come up with as a reason for why she could never have a podcast which does she think podcasts go out live right she's already on her fucking reality show first of all she also she just did it on purpose on camera. She doesn't

seem to know podcasts are also edited. So cool. She hates Caitlyn Jenner because she thinks Caitlyn Jenner disrespected her father or something. I don't know. There's some kind of weird

reason why, for all these years, Chloe has never respected Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah. You know, she slips up. She's trans. Do you guys want to take a test? Yeah.

I'd love to. Yes. Finally, I've been studying. Mrs. Professor. Is it okay for sex to just be a physical thing? The options are neutral. No, sex should never be physical. It should only be emotional. Okay, so you're saying strongly disagree.

Strongly disagree. Okay. Neutral. Because you could have sex with feelings or without. Okay. Grace. I have sex for money, so I'd do it without feelings.

Answer, Grace. I think it can... Yeah, I think it obviously can. I mean, it's... Can you re-say the question? Hang on. It keeps opening the LL Bean website. Hessa keeps trying to get

backpacks monogrammed. This is a quiz to find out what backpack is right for you. What pair of pants is right for you? What lesbian pair of pants is the best for you? Take this sex quiz from L.L. Bean. Is it okay for sex to be just a physical thing?

What are the options? Strongly agree. Regular agree, neutral disagree, strongly disagree. Is it okay for it just to be a physical thing? Yes. Strongly agree. Okay. The next question. Sex is almost always better when one person has power or authority over the other.

Yes. Strongly agree. I disagree. Disagree. Okay. You disagree? Yeah, I know a woman who's having sex with... Just regular disagree?

Yeah, I know a woman who's a boss and her position is boss and she's having sex... That's is boss and she's having sex. That's your job. She's having sex with one of her employees and she gets off because of the power dynamic. Okay.

Jacques, is this you? Are you okay? Are you okay, Jacques? Are you the employee? No, no. Is this your boss at the burger barn? No. Is this Big Bertha, the boss of the burger barn? No, no. The burger queen?

She just runs an autism clinic. Okay, wait a second. We should dive into this a little bit. She runs an autism clinic. Can you elaborate? There is a autism clinic that treats autistic patients, children. Okay, but she's hooking up with one of the employees, not one of the patients.

Not one of the patients? She's at the very top of the ladder in this business structure, and he is like a peon. ladder in this business structure and he is like a peon. So what if one of the people there who is pretty, who is high functioning autism

had sex with her and because the customer is always right does that mean that they are above her in the pecking order? Yeah, that would be pretty fucked up of them. Yeah. First of all, I wouldn't put it past her

second yeah I mean it would be totally fucked up do you agree or disagree with the statement I disagree I do not need to be committed to a person to have sex with them oh wait yeah I agree with that 100% strongly

yeah strongly I have sex with people that I never see again are you kidding me? strongly disagree you need to be committed at least in that moment okay yeah yeah yeah you can't be waffling you should never half ass anything

grind set you miss 100% of the shots you don't take yeah I don't know if that applies here necessarily but 100 applies okay you know try it you know try to make it apply you know you because you miss 100 of the uh of the shots you don't take yeah and and having sex without any attachment or no strings attached, that's just great. What's wrong with that? Grace, what do you think?

Yeah, I agree. Okay. I don't know. I mean, I feel... I'm kind of heartbroken right now I think so so you think the sexual test isn't something that you want to take right now no I'm taking it I'm taking it with you guys

I just like I think I'm taking it that's what your mom said last night boom got her I mean I think that like do I think that like morally you don't have to be committed and it's fine to have sex? Yes. I strongly agree with that, I guess.

Okay. But just to clarify, you're the monogamous type. I don't know. Which is what I'm trying. I did. I did like a. I thought that's what you were leading to. Yeah, let's prod into your heartbreak. Let's prod into your heartbreak.

Let's prod into it. This makes good comedy. I've been experimenting with this on our podcast. Kind of seeing what I can mine out of Grace's various emotional states to mixed results. I'd like to see what you guys can come up with. Jacques. but you know you guys I'd like to see what you guys can come up with Jock Hessa and Ben of mine

so many of my different emotions well you give them up a lot like you just told the worst story I've ever heard you tell out of nowhere truly out of nowhere and I've never heard that story before because it was like trying to make them

feel comfortable to tell an embarrassing story but clearly April doesn't want to tell an embarrassing story because she thinks that she's a girl god. You're kind of hung up on this, on April not... I mean, it's fine. It's fine. When we hang out in New York, April, after the show where we're all

just clicking our ginger ales together... I'm going to embarrass you so fucking bad. I'm going to embarrass you so fucking bad. Then you'll have something to say, bitch. I'm going to clink our glasses together and I'm going to stand up like I'm doing a toast. Then I'm going to be like, April has been waiting

to share her most embarrassing story to tonight. I'm sure April will say, no, I haven't been. No, here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to do the same thing again. I'm going to say, maybe you going to do the same thing again. I'm going to say, maybe you could go first, Jacques. Maybe you could

make me feel more comfortable by sharing a story first. I'm just going to keep doing that with Jacques. Here's the real twist. I'm just going to keep pulling the football away at last second. Jacques, maybe you could make me feel more comfortable. You know, Jacques, I will tell an embarrassing story on the show, but maybe you could make me feel more comfortable you know Jacques I will tell an embarrassing story on the show but maybe you could tell one more first

can you tell one more Jacques I'm not going to tell this next one but I will tell you I feel like you are I'm not going to tell you this next one just listen for one second just give me one second

I'm not going to tell you the full story but I'm going to say that the story I told y'all earlier is the second most embarrassing wet dream story the first wet dream story is by far 700 times

more embarrassing can you just say 700 times more embarrassing can you just say can you just say where it happened nope nope nope were you sleeping in bed with like a family member or something yes

that's a yes did you like nod off in class or something like that oh that would be really bad if you nod off in class or something like that? Oh, that would be really bad. If you nod off in class. No. And you woke up going, oh, oh God. There was a hurricane and one drum.

Did this happen during Hurricane Katrina? Did this happen? Were you in like the Superdome i call us hurricane katrina this is getting so this is getting you don't have to tell this story i'm just already i just want april to i'm pumping the brakes i'm pumping the brakes on this story i don't it was the first wet dream I ever had and it was during Hurricane Katrina it was Hurricane Katrina and was it really

was it really Hurricane Katrina Jock and we all had to sleep in one room was it really Katrina yes this can't possibly be true I'll take a lie I'll take a lie detector test

it was Jerry and Katrina it was Jerry and Katrina so you were all asleep in one room your whole family I think we can just extrapolate no no no are there like additional details

that make it more embarrassing or is that kind of the thrust of the story? Who was there? Who was there? Chuck, who was in the room with you? No, I'm stepping in.

Guys, I just want to say my parents, it was my parents and my parents were there. It was so embarrassing. Guys, I just want to say were you spooning your mom? No, no. We're cutting it off there.

I just want to say I'm seeing how much you guys are making fun of Jacques and I don't feel comfortable sharing I don't feel comfortable sharing an embarrassing story of my own April doesn't feel comfortable is this woman bitch serious right now?

on the far bottom sequel to Girl God, woman bitch that's good oh my god that's what we'll call me, what we'll call me you and Patrick's why why would you call it that it just seems like a good

it just seems like a great idea so Jock did they know you no more questions about this no no no it's a private it was a private shame, no, no. No, it's a private. It was a private shame. No, no, no, no.

None of my family members found out. But you can imagine at a young age when this happened, how the level of embarrassment and utter embarrassment. I don't know what possessed me to come on the podcast and be like,

let me choose out the two most embarrassing stories I've never shared with anyone. Well, I appreciate it. You were trying to make me feel comfortable and it didn't work, but I really appreciate it. I'm going to be honest. I was not. The goal was to make Grace happy and not to make you feel comfortable. Well, it did make me happier.

It did make me happier. I love to see you smile. And then also, it's not like this bitch April is going to say anything anyway. I will hold this against you for the rest of your life for not sharing your embarrassing story.

And it's fine. I've already hired a private detective in New York to investigate your life to find the most embarrassing story. Wrong city. I don't know why you hired a private detective in New York. God damn it. Wait, y'all don't live why you're a private detective in New York. God damn it.

Wait, y'all don't live in New York? You know they don't live in New York. No, no, I don't know that they live in New York. I believe till this exact moment right now that Girl God, April Grace, women live in New York. Thank you for clarifying our check. Women be living in New York. Thank you for clarifying our check. Women be living in New York. I'm going to make y'all t-shirts just to say women on the front of them.

That'd be good. That's awesome. Adult human female. What does it mean? Oh, God. Don't you try to trick me with some lingo jingo. What does it mean to be a woman? That's not for me to decide. That's actually the next question on the quiz, Josh.

Yeah, wait. What does it mean to be a woman? The other day I was playing pool against this non-binary person who had they, them knuckle tattoos. And I so badly wanted to go up to them and say, I love your tattoos. What do they mean?

That would have been so sick. I just, it felt too mean. But I really wanted to ask them what their tattoos meant. What if they said, I saw a non-binary person and they had they and them tattooed on both cheeks and I punched them so hard that they transferred to my knuckles I would respect that I would respect that a lot

in elementary school I would write with sharpie on my knuckles everyday what I wanted to be my dream fist knuckle tattoos what do you think it Weezer wait that doesn't even fit W-E-E-Z-E-R

and then you have two leftover knuckles. Just in case for the future. That's such a funny knuckle tattoo. If Weezer gets cancelled on the two extra knuckles you can just write no. on the two extra nufficles you can just write no then in order to do that correctly

I'll write Weezer on these two and then have it end on my pinky and then no can be added when they're cancelled right here they will be cancelled Rivers Como the lead singer of Weezer is an asshole to the fans.

Yeah. I gave up on being a dedicated fan to them after the response to me writing a fan mail. What was the response? What was the response? I wrote a fan mail and tried to hand it off to him as he was leaving a Jazz Fest stage or leaving some stage in New Orleans. And he crumpled it in front of me and threw it. Whoa. Oh no. How old were you?

Old enough to devastate me. I, the first three Weezer albums. Was this like this year? That would be really funny. The first, look, the first three, the first, the first three Weezer albums I know every song by heart. I would do a, I would, I albums, I know every song

by heart. If a full band would back me up, I would perform the first two albums by Weezer, every song. The only thing stopping Chuck is a full band. Why did you go from the first three to the first two? You remember that you don't remember all of them? Why didn't I what?

You said, I know every song in the first three albums. Then you changed it to the first two albums. Well, because I would only want to sing the first two. The third one's good, but it's not as good. Okay. It goes Pinkerton, the Blue Album, the Green Album,

and then Maladroit. Yeah. Those are the four essential Weezer albums. You don't like Maladroit? That sounds like a Cajun-type word. That sounds like a Cajun name. I like some of the songs off of it.

I like that they were able to do I like some of the songs. It's Maledraud Gonsolin over here. I like that they were able to do a music video with the Muppets. Oh! Do you remember their music video for Pork and Beans with all the internet memes? No. See, that was like the era where I was like

throwing away my Weezer folders. I was throwing away my... What album was that from? What? Pork and Beans? Make Believe. Oh, okay. That's not a good album among the fans?

I'm a die-hard fan. Make Believe is like the end of their brilliant rock career and the beginning of their disgusting commercial career that ruined them. Perfect Situation was such a fucking terrible song. What about Sadings, though? What's that from? The Blue

album, you fucking prick. What do you think I am? Some kind of dummy, dumb, dumb, two-shoe? What about that song that's like, eh, eh, dun, dun, dun, dun? Island in the Sun? What about Ocean Man? What album is that from?

That's a song by Ween and I hate Ween. Ween is different than Weezer? Know your enemies. Don't get jokey. You get a short haircut and you think you're just all the sass now. Ween is different than Weezer?

I thought it was Weenzir. That's how you get knuckle tattoos. You get Ween on one hand and then Zir on the other. You're still short, one. And then you can tattoo it over and say Z slash Zir if you ever change your pronouns. Oh, so back to what we were just talking about. April, you were about to tell me the most embarrassing

thing that's ever happened to you unfiltered without any jokes. I just really just don't feel comfortable sharing anything that's ever happened to me. I just don't feel comfortable injecting any real part of my personality into this. I have a question for you. Sure, ask away, anything. I just don't feel comfortable injecting any real part of my personality.

I have a question for you. Sure. Ask away anything. Are you? Are you a woman? I am a non-binary trans feminine person. That's beautiful. I don't I don't think I I'll put it this way. I think people would be ready to discount

my feminine side slash me being a woman because of my presentation. And I think it's... My presentation doesn't have to reflect who I am as a person. I think you should shave so you get really slick. And you just look.

And you should grease yourself up. I think you should get tits. And then I think you should get top surgery. Yeah. Look, I would look so fucking. Either. I would look really hot. Tits and then top surgery to become non-binary.

Yes. Look. I know people who've done that 100% who haven't detransitioned by the way it's just been like a new flourish I don't feel safe enough in this world

to express my full feminine presentation I feel that it's scary one time in Lafayette a straight couple pushed me to the You roll up to his breasts. I feel that. It's scary. One time in Lafayette, a straight couple pushed me to the ground and kicked me and spit on me and told me, you're a grown man, why are you wearing women's clothes? This is disgusting.

Oh my God. And after that, it was my friends, all my friends work at this bar. They took the couple. It was like a group of people took the couple and threw them over a fence physically it was like the one time I was like damn

I've got good friends the one time? not the one time but that was so dramatic but it was one time that's like sitcom ask like if a trans person who was like actually trans and was treated like they were was on

a sitcom but then like they responded to it with sitcom logic it's definitely like throwing the transphobe over a fence yeah it's like something that would happen if a trans person was like yeah will and grace reboot ass thing

also if I shave I look so ugly I look like one of those babies you find in the Mardi Gras king cake one of those plastic babies people love those babies yeah I see people talk about those babies all the time

I don't know I don't know what I am anymore all I know is that April ain't said shit you on my list I'm scratching Grace off of my list and adding April Jacques I'll tell you something embarrassing

why was I on the list oh and I wasn't yeah because we never made the podcast because you never made this podcast for me. We can still make the podcast. It just hasn't... It hasn't been that long. Because you never made the podcast.

I've been getting sober. I'm in recovery. It's like, maybe let's wait until I'm hip 90 days and then we can make the podcast. Okay, so I get to New York around November or December 8th. And so... Around that. It's kind of and so can you cancel your live show so you and Jock can record

we should record the pod live in the middle of the live Girl Got Show as April begs you to stop on stage please don't do this Grace you promised me please don't do this that would, you promised me. Please don't do this. That would be so funny.

I have a gun in the wings ready for if that happens. And I haven't decided if I'm going to kill myself or everyone else. Seeking derangements would be at 110% efficiency. Oh my god! What? I just burnt a

hole through my shirt with what a match the tip of it fell off oh my god the tip of the match fell off did you make a stinky in your room

and you had to light a match it's a girl of swords shirt that says all angels are transsexual. Wow. That's such a cool shirt. I love Girl of Swords. Is it true or did she make that up? Yeah, is that true? I think it's true.

I'm going to light another one. My immortal future depends on it if it's true or not. Okay. Guys, I think we can wrap it up there. Yeah, I think we crushed. Yeah. Thank you guys for coming on. Thanks for having us.

I love y'all both. I've been lighting matches instead of doing lines. April, I like you. I'm not trying to be mean. Jacques, I loved your interview. It was really good. It was a good interview. And in New York, I'll tell you something embarrassing in person. I'll whisper it to you but April's

going to whisper it like this and I'm going to be like what and you're going to be like I only say it once I'm only going to say it once well look let's just talk one last thing before we go everybody

Girl God Christmas live show in new york at the bell house at the bell house december 10th december 10th we've got joe para stradio lab guys uh seeking derangements the whole crew the podcast this is the first time zach cherry as santa um and more people even that we're going to announce and you can get tickets at girlgod.co that's girlgod.co okay well

I love y'all and thank y'all so much for coming and Grace I hope that you feel better and you're loved and everyone loves you and I love you did you guys hear the clapping or the laughing no oh

okay I just found a soundboard there's a soundboard attached to this I just noticed that's it somebody added to the oh by the way listen hey

listen to our podcast and if you sign up to the Patreon you can join our discord and if you join our discord on the soundboard on our discord is a soundbite of April going just come just come

is that on there? yes what the hell oh my god, what the hell? Oh my god. Andrew, clip your voice from the podcast and put it on there. This is why you need to go on the Discord. We're gonna do a little Mick Jagger

number for you. But it's a real quiet one. Childhood living Is easy to do The things that you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady You know who I am You know I can't let you Slide through my hands

Why worship Slide through my hands Wild horses Good and fervid way Wild, wild horses We'll ride them someday I watched you suffer A dull aching pain Now you've decided To show me the same No sweeping accents

Off stage life Could make me feel better Or treat you unkind Wild horses Couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses We'll ride them someday Wild, wild horse is we'll ride them

someday