Seeking Derangements - SD 270 - Bushwick Roommate Torah and Talmud

Episode Date: November 26, 2023

We cover episode 13 of Undercover Billionaire but not before one of us reveals her new chosen name, we recant what was said about Gwyneth on the last episode, Joe Biden vs Taylor Swift, plus more.

Thank you. And welcome to Seeking Derangements. We are back to... Wait, what? Nothing. Go ahead. Oh. Sorry, I'm taking my headphones off. What's up, everybody?

I have these giant gamer headphones on. It's like really... Gamer mode. They really take you out of the room you're in. Like, I felt like I was talking to you guys over a computer or something with these on. Anyways, welcome back, everyone. This is Undercover Billionaire Part 13. I'm here with Hessa and with...

Is it 13 or is it 14? It's 13. Okay. Did you watch episode 14? No. We thought we were watching the wrong episode earlier, but... I think we... We were not.

We were not. No. We are here, of course, with our third Mike on these episodes, who recently came out as trans. Big shock. Hey guys, it's my first week. You'll never believe what's happening. Oh, the egg cracked.

She's been out of the closet as trans for maybe a day. The bitch who has eyeliner tattooed up her eye. The bitch who has everything. She's had that for like over a year. It keeps happening to me. All of the gay guys i know you never suspected that all of a sudden so hit me up with any tips or tricks

yeah yeah yeah fresh meat no um uh name change it's not name change and it's no longer jake which for the for the record that the joke was it's no longer Jake. It's Jen. For the record, the joke was... It's been overdue. Jen's been trans for maybe four years. Yeah. Before I even met Jen, it was... I met Ben and Ben was like, you know, this bitch is trans.

Period. Oh, yeah. Period. Period. Call me the chef the way I crack that egg. I know that was funny. Make an omelet. But it is now Jen, so... Call me trail mix the way I crack that egg. I know that was right. Made an omelet. But it is now Jen, so...

Call me trail mix the way I crack that nut. Call me the king's men the way I'm trying to put this egg back together. Period. I need more gay friends. Call me the king's men. Yeah. Call me the king's men the way I'm sick of all these trannies. Putting the eggs back together.

Yeah, no, Jen Sillen is with us. I was pitching Jen on some names a while ago, and to be completely honest, I am not... A lot of retarded ones, and one really, really good one. One really funny one.

One really good one. I one really good they were all pretty good i was telling jen that she needed to go in a direction that was more uh jew along with my culture more jew more cultural um more traditional i think rachel think um what other name will come out with it Shoshanna Rush Shoshanna would be really good Rush Shoshanna long for Shoshanna yes I said even just

a Hana well a Hana would really be pushing it why there's Hana Natural there's there's Hana Natural there's

Hana Horvath yeah one of the world's most annoying women yeah no one of the world's coolest and most really that's also true.

Lena. You could have done Lena. Lena's kind of cunt. But Lena, it's... Lena's got a lot going on. Yeah, there's too much going on. Too much association. Okay, so the amazing one that Ben did come up with

that really made me pause is... Did you really think about that one? I was like... I was with Meg, and we like sat for a minute. We were in Vermont. We were together. Yeah, but we sat for a minute and really thought about that one.

Is Torah. Torah. Torah. I still think it's not too late. T-O-R-A as in Torah. The holy text. And also as in U-Torah. The original text. But also U-Torah. Yeah, exactly. I mean, what's older than

the Torah, honey? Quran. Period. My chosen name is Quran. Quran. Quran. Trans guy named Talmud. Yeah, that'd be pretty good. He sounds hot. Talmud? Oh my god.

A guy named Talmud? The hot guy. Yeah, of course. There's no way you're named Talmud and not like really sexy. If you're named Talmud, you could do that thing where you grab a flagpole and go completely horizontal. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. But no Torah. Why not Torah?

I'm a little... I'm being completely... I'm disappointed in you. Torah? It kind of Torah. Why not? I mean, look, if you change your name, look, I would think one of the benefits

of being trans is you can just joke at names. You can just go willy-nilly with the names. You can be Tora for a little bit.

Then you can be Jen. Then you can be whatever. I mean, honestly, I do know so many bitches that just change their name every year. Why not? Did Angel want to change her name to Sex?

Trans girl named Wolf, and then you could say the boy who cried Wolf. Literally, for a very short period of time before money really took over, Angel Money was going by Sex Money. Sex Money. First name name sex last name money sex name money yeah i mean money i get it i think those names are as good as they are you know they are amazing i do think they're on the outs and it does seem like i don't know i see there's more

more of the dolls are just being like i want a normal name i've not changed the names which is kind of sad i've seen some crazy ones pop up not changing yeah well okay we should be well this is a picture ran and i were just talking last night this is free this is a free episode okay yeah someone told me that they saw a cis girl named tessa no she's lying i was like i really am not kidding her parents are nazis i was genuinely mad i was like, I really am not kidding. I was genuinely mad. I was genuinely mad. I was like, I will kill this bitch whenever I see her.

Is there another Annie named Hessa? No. And if there was, I would literally cease and desist. There was, Oh, this is something we could fill some time with.

I, this is actually kind of business related. What is it? Is, um, there's a, uh,

independent bookseller named Hessa Press. And, um, I was like, they gotta change their name. They were founded like seven years before I transitioned. Period. But why do they have to change their name?

Well, because my name is Hessa and I... Did you have that trademarked? Well, what I did was I... It's a famous author's name. You told me this you you made a fake identity to well i'll tell i'll tell let me tell the full tale okay i created two fake lawyers i created a fake law firm called vanderlank and manassas i believe that and i um vanderlank this all tracks is uh a guy i created the articles i typed out the articles of origination hit my hand

it went waspy law firm and not jewy law two options is like vanderlink and manassas which is like so mayflower no no what what it was is i'll tell you the two personalities of the lawyers. The first lawyer is named Thatcher Manassas, and he is a southern man. And to him, it's like 1950 every day, but he's not racist. Period. Not 1950 in that sense. And then the other lawyer is named Cank vanderlank and he's probably my favorite um is ai generated law no no no the um tessa generated you made this yourself wait link vanderlink i these names i completely made myself the only thing that's ai generated is the

um some of the emails which much pink much finessing um jink j Jank. J-E-N-K. Jank Vanderlank. Yeah, Jank Vanderlank. Let me show you a picture of him. I think it's kind of Seinfeld coded.

He's Dutch. He's literally straight out of Holland. They do have names like that. Here's a picture of Jank Vanderlank. Period.

Yeah. Who does he look like? That is a famous... It's like a famous Dutch artist. I forgot what he is. It looks like someone who's in Wolf of Wall Street in a supporting role. He sends me emails that are like,

are you still in Mykonos, my flower? I have papers for you to sign. And then his email signature is like a two-paragraph Nelson Mandela quote about how we're all equal. Wait, so you set this up for it to send emails to you? I set this up to send. Well, I bought a domain name, Vanderlenk and Manassas at...

At protonmail.com. Thatcher Manassas' email, if anyone wants to email him, it's Thacher underscore Manassas at Vanderlenk and Manassas dot biz. And I bought this domain name for $12 a year and it was completely worth it. You're crazy.

So now I have these fake lawyers and I've been emailing people. I've been emailing Hessa Press mostly. Did they respond to you? No, they never responded. lawyers, and I've been emailing people. I've been emailing Hesa Press mostly. I... Did they respond to you? No. They never responded. Hesa Press should end the press with an E. That would be cute. Hesa Press.

The oppressor. But the email is like, I reckon it's high time we... I reckon it's high time we sat down for a spell and had ourselves a good old-fashioned chat. Now don't y'all fret none, because I'm fixing to approach this matter with all the southern charm I can muster. You see, I represent a...

This sounds AI-generated. It feels very similar writing to a certain... Well, it comes to my attention that y'all that has a press out there in Los Angeles have gone and named name yourself after my esteemed client the client now i ain't one to stir up a rocket um yeah it's it goes on little boys in a trench coat oh the the funniest i'll just read one more part of this email and it's the the requested names just read one more page no No, no, no. These are good because I was like, what? Maybe you can request some new names for them. And here are the names. Southern

Serenade Publishing. Let the sweet melodies of the South guide your literary endeavors. Magnolia Inkworks. Capture the elegance and charm of the magnolia flower in your publishing endeavors. That's good. Delta Tales Publishing. Embrace the rich narratives and

cultural tapestry of the Mississippi Delta. They did not think this was a funny email. They didn't respond at all. I wouldn't respond either. Clearly written by AI. I think they know that

Vanderlink and Manassas dot biz is a real authentic website. clearly written by ai i think i think they know that i think you got to show up vanderlink and monastis.biz is a real authentic website maybe they're lawyering i mean i they haven't built the website yet but i might be building their defense team yeah true they're pouring tens of thousands of dollars yeah yeah i mean you can use ai to like give you you sound legal advice. Well, I'm not about sound. I mean, for free? But anyway. Maybe I can copy and paste them and post them on the Patreon as a post or something.

Go ahead. Period. But so yeah, I finally made the decision to swap. I was running with it for a minute. But honestly, I liked just sticking with Jake. I thought holding your ground. Holding your turf holding your dog style i like it's like yeah big dog style okay but honestly there's like three or four other girls out here with the name and the more that i learned that yeah it's crazy there's a train there's a model there's a girl that's

a model and there's also this other girl that came to the end when I was working door one night. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? It was getting more and more non-binary. Do you get mad? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't even consider that because it is like, oh, are you non-binary? It's non-binary, but it's also like, it's like the more people that have it, the more

the chances are that it's the average, the mean becomes non-binary if you start adding up everyone else. You jump ship to the normie SS. But I was talking last night about... You know what no one does? Is the classic that you think of where it's like Justin to Justine. Nobody does that anymore. Nobody goes for this well i mean you can't really do that with jake what no no i know but i'm saying can you think of period can you

think of jacob can you think of anyone but nobody does that and it's kind of the trope of what you're supposed to do yeah i mean that is kind of the wheel has turned fully away from that in like coming of age train like bad trans movies it's like that's kind of what you're supposed to do yeah justin justine carl to carla carla carlita throw a little coming latina in the process many such cases oh yeah oh it'd be so soon many girls from connecticut i'd become benita benita oh benita belinda belinda from ben for me yeah is belinda no it's not no but belinda is not sp is it Betty I think it would be Betty Benita Benita is a good

Benita Benita is the you wouldn't be Benita you would be like if I if I transed well it might name be yeah

it's not Benita it's like I don't know I don't know I feel like you would go more Spanish for sure I don't know I feel like you would go more Spanish for sure I would go way

you would run away from the Jew allegations you know what's a fun move try to throw those at me fun underrated move is just switching your first name and last name you could be like Mora Ben Menbora Menbora.

What about that one? Lewis Curtis. Lewis Curtis. Curtis Lewis. What's going on in the business world? What's in the news? We should go through our list of business.

Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. episode i know we should go through our list of how far is the recording are we taylor swift taylor swift so what's she doing let's check in on our taylor someone died so someone she pulled an astroworld and well i don't know did we even say your new name yet yeah okay good we've been saying jenny from the block we've been saying j've been saying Jenny from the block. Jenny from the block. What do you think about Jenny? It's fine. I used to call you Jakey, so I'm replacing you with Jenny. What?

I'm replacing Jakey with Jenny. Yeah, it's easy. I'm going to find a way to fuck it up. You're going to find a way to fuck it up. I'm going to freak it. Jenny is okay. Jennifer's fine. So Taylor Swift.

So Taylor Swift. Someone died. Someone died, I think in Brazil, because it was so hot. Really? Yeah. That's how they died. Because it was so hot.

Massive heat wave in Rio, and she had, I don't know if it was, I think it was during her first night there. I think so. How many nights is she doing? I don't know if it was during her first night there. How many nights is she doing? That's so crazy. It's so insane. It's so insane that

tours have just become so big that they just now hold a constant spot in the news cycle. But it gets replaced. It was like Chromatica then it gets replaced. It was like Chromatica, then it was Renaissance. But now it's just like

forever there's going to be a tour update part of the news. Yeah, I mean, well, Joe Biden today said something incredibly retarded. I talked about this in the earlier episode. We're recording two episodes today, but I may as well mention it to Jen as well because it's really funny.

Joe Biden was doing the turkey part and he was talking about how difficult it was to pick a turkey and he was like this is more difficult than getting a ticket to the renaissance tear renaissance tour where even is britney spears she's somewhere hot like brazil harder than getting a ticket to the renaissance tour or or or britney's tour she's Did he say that? Yeah, period. Oh, so that joke that he made about how it's hot is about a fan who died at the show. Well, that's also probably part of it. Britney Spears in Renaissance?

But he was talking, he was trying to talk, he was trying to say parting this turkey was harder than finding a ticket to the Eros tour. But he couldn't get it out. And he stumbled at Renaissance. And then he mentioned that it's so hot. Someone died. I think it's his most dementia moment

so far. It was three for three. That was a hat trick. I can't believe that this tour is going to keep going as planned. I feel like when someone dies, that really stops it. I mean, not anymore. Astro World, like, done. There was like 14 people that died.

It was a lot more than one. It's one thing when people die of being crushed. Yeah. Heat exhaustion or whatever, it's kind of like, hey, that's not yeah and then they had heat exhaustion or whatever it's kind of like hey that's not my fault yeah yeah yeah heat exhaustion if someone dies from heat exhaustion in a concert they're usually already by that moment they're usually not like it was like a 23 year old they came they came into that dehydrated well you're saying well they weren't

passing out water you're saying they asked for it. Brazil banned entering this arena with any water. That is crazy. But they rescinded that after someone died. That's crazy. Well, that's good. I would personally, as someone who doesn't really like Taylor Swift that much, I would personally like to find a way to say that this was her fault. To take her down.

Yeah, wait. How do we make this her fault? First of all, before we move on from the biden part of it it's him mentioning how hot it was really implies that like someone came into his office and said sir a taylor swift fan has died sir the plan the plan worked at the airstrip and so he was like briefed on it or something i think it's just world historic heat waves but also like biden just seems like one of those guys who would just, that's like the one thing he knows about like South America or something.

He's like, Oh, it's hot down there. You know, he's so, he's so far gone. It looks so scary and bad. Yeah.

You're going to vote for him. Be voting. I'm so excited that it's about to be election season for real in a year wait no that's so cool this is about to be the best year ever i love election season i mean look i am a huge election um had i love the season it's like when the country is on it's american idol for sure and everyone has to participate yeah um but it does seem like this because not participating is participating um exactly but it does seem like this Because not participating is participating Exactly But it does seem like this

This go at the election is going to be A little more depressing Because look I mean what makes it so much fun Is when you have candidates from both sides running You have debates You've got a crowded field You've got candidates touring This is going to be incredibly depressing

Because it's just like two old men they're not even going to have debates if there's not a national debate between trump and biden i am you lost i think they're gonna i need to see them like the dnc is gonna do whatever they can to not let that happen and trump is gonna what's it gone to a debate yet what do y'all think about marianne oh we we're riding hard well you know i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna uh jill stein put her through her hat in the ring oh so you're switching i'm an og steinhead i'm not even kidding from like 2016 i loved this bitch marianne was nowhere at the time. The only kind of mystical old woman The amethyst she crawled out of.

The only person who filled that void of well-spoken, holistic critique was Jill Stein and she's back. She can't hold a candle to Marianne though. Let's hear tweets and pictures of birds.

She is definitely smarter than Marianne. She's like old ladies in the library all day type. Not fun. None of the fun new agey stuff. I don't know if she's fun.

She definitely does yoga. I think she's more normal and is a more regular, like, regular, like, cool granola lady. She's,

no, she loves Indian food. She's, she's, but Marianne is, like, on another plane because she will literally,

she will just post images that you get when you, like, Google search DMT feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, if someone, if a kid, Hey, I don't want the attitude

in the White House. If a kid stepped on a butterfly in like June 1986, the butterfly effect of that would change something so slightly that would mean that like Mary Ann leads a suicide death cult in another like timeline. For sure.

But hey, couldn't you argue that could happen to anyone? I think most, I think exactly. I mean, Mary Ann would probably, anyone could do that death cult anyone could hey that could be Trump hey it could be called

America listen listen if a butterfly flapped its wings 60 years

ago that could be Taylor Swift we're in the Jared Leto timeline where that's

him I love Jill Stein I'm not going to back so I've got a

redaction to make you do I said last week that Goop had been sold and i was misled they have not been sold but they are in talks of selling gweneth did an interview where she stated she wants to that she wants to sell and gave an idea for how much she would sell for which seems like

she's gearing up for a sale but the target line is true so she's rolling out a like median price point kind of on the cheap side line through target she's selling out folks it's good it's good because she's probably going to like boost her numbers before a sale which we'll get into evaluations later i mean yeah i mean google could sell for so much i mean yeah i mean goop could sell for so much i mean yeah but it's it really it like solidifies their reach if they can just say like also this is the impact we can have in like a lower price point market yeah and like this is how well we can do with just target it's just i'm still baffled i was like what are they going to sell but yeah i mean anything they could just do a goop version of anything it's not. It's just any other fucking product.

It always was. I guess so. I don't know. Yeah. It's a classic, classic marketing thing. It's like, you know, it's like Balenciaga t-shirts. Yeah. Period.

Period. Do we have another thing on this list? Oh, Caitlyn saying retarded. Caitlyn saying retarded. Yeah. That's how i say it now to just responding to like donald trump jr like like clout farming tweets where he was like i'll say it he was like retarded quote tweet if you miss saying retarded or something and she was like i'll say it retarded it's like what the fuck she's so cool she's so she's so awesome it's like what the fuck she's so cool she's so awesome it's so funny to just see boomers who are already out of touch try to catch this trend of like being anti-woke or something

and it's like yeah he's like you were already doing this we knew you were right yeah we knew that you were like we've been this isn't compelling from she's just so cool she's our michael jackson how so she's just i don't know i'm wondering what you mean by that i don't know about that one um she's just out here doing it like one of the most insane living characters yeah just right before our eyes and nobody's like going for it there you know nobody's going in on the fact that she looks or sounds like that that's what I mean that's what I mean I think a lot of people are going in like people Michael Jackson

was still like bringing down the house in the last years of his life was he? yes selling out stadiums housewives this is it housewives were just bawling their eyes out and he was looking and sounding

like that i still remember where i was when he died because i was on a plane and it landed and the one person on the plane got the news on their phone and screamed michael jackson died and everyone on the plane started crying so crazy i was playing exactly but it's like and he looked and sounded like that and it's the same with caitlin She looks and sounds like that. She's not even as beloved. I don't think people like Caitlyn. No, but she's an Olympic gold medalist. That's a far cry from the biggest pop star in the world. She was an Olympic gold medalist in 1986 to 1990-something. Sure, she's had a fallout.

Then she was Kris Jenner's husband and now she's just the trans freak who's like Yeah, but still they're both up in the category. Her best era, I'll say that.

They're in the category up there with like astronauts, you know? Yeah. Like Olympic gold medalist, pop superstar. These comparisons, I don't remember

of a Wheaties box for like years. Yeah, he probably was too. Yeah. Period. Retard. It's just so funny.

It's so funny she spelled it that way. She's such a fucking idiot. I love her. Honestly, she needs to run for president. That's a normal way to spell it. Huh? With a C? What? What, Caitlin? No, she spelled retarded. Oh my God. That's like a normal way to spell it. Huh? With a C. What? What, Caitlin?

No, retarded. Retarded. Oh, retarded. Oh. Well, you know, you know why she spelled it with a C. Yeah, because she didn't

want to fuck over Chris. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. She didn't want to be one of the, one of the K. Are you a girl? Are you a girl?

I'm my own woman, Chris. Yeah. Have you seen the Wiimote? Anyone see the Wiimote? Oh, I was using it to prop it up. Hey, Chris. Oh, that's the nunchuck. Oh, that's the nunchuck.

Hey, I'm numb every time you chuck that nunchuck. Oh, very good. She's such a creepy old guy. You know, Ashley, you remind me of We're having a girl talk with Ben Ashley you remind me of the Olympic flame You know why? Because I never go out You want to get to episode 13?

Hey my lucky number Episode 13 of Undercover Billionaire Let's do it i did not have as much fun with um i know there's not like really can we talk about like so the episode title is Camel Meat Straw. Disgusting title. Yeah. Really stupid title. Disgusting, disgusting title.

Camel Meat Straw. Camel Meat Straw sounds like an industrial band from 1996. Noun generator. Nurse with wound. Yeah. Camel Meat Straw. Noungenerator.com. That's so gross.

But it is. Okay. that's so gross the um but it is okay let's start with uh elaine well let's start by talking like basically the the longer the show goes on the more conventional things become because they get locked into their paths and there's really not much to show other than them linearly getting ready for this uh appraisal and then Are you saying there's no twists in turn? No. I think the problem is the episodes are just 90 minutes. It's crazy. They could do with a little bit of editing. This could be a web series.

It literally could be. It would be a Grant Cardone. I'm not even kidding. It would have been one of the best shows of the fucking century if they just had a competent editor. If it was 15-minute episodes. Yeah, or 15 minutes per contestant.

Adult Swim style. Whatever. It could just be so much better than what it is. But I am happy. I think the early episodes, I'm glad they were that long. Weirdly, there's four in a row where they just go to 40 minutes for no reason.

Such a strange show That's the funniest period of the show It's like they realized how little they had And they were like alright And then they back up But this is episode 13 So in episode 13 what happens for all of them Not all of them

We're missing Monique right? Oh Adeline See this is another weird thing about the show They are all leading up to Unveiling their true selves see Monique, right? Oh, and Elaine. Yeah. Oh, fuck. See, this is another weird thing about the show. They are all leading up to unveiling their true selves to the people they've been actively scamming for the past 90 days. It's like a drumroll episode.

Yeah, the only person who doesn't reveal themselves this episode is Elaine. And Monique. Monique just gets to it right at the end. I guess so, yeah. yeah she like gets it but then the reaction they reveal that they're they're billionaires and are doing this too no i realize this the central premise of the show is still so funny it's so i forgot what it was so fucking i forgot how it actually i wouldn't say it's stupid how it actually sounded when when you see grant say it well but we'll say we'll save we'll

save we'll save this part we'll save this part let's talk about elaine she's looking good she's looking amazing as always we love her i love her skinny skinny bobblehead body she's such a tiny little body and a huge fucking melon. Her leathery skin. She's so beautiful and amazing. A working woman's skin. Truly amazing. She's so tan mom. She's just one of those ladies you can tell

has had so many boyfriends. She's had like seven loves in her life. And jeans. And jeans. She's so cool. So she runs out of money again. At the top of this episode, if you remember in the last one,

the whole lot, the deli line is all bad because of the fuck up. If you remember hilariously in the last one, the opening cliffhanger of the episode is that the deli line gets fucked up

and all the food is like rotted and then nothing happens to elaine the entire episode yeah it was a filler and then um in this episode we pick back up there and it's truly like elaine has to deal with it and it's just like all right i need to go to russell and beg for six grand more to get new food. Which I'm like... Was it six grand? No, six grand. For the food, six thousand.

That's kind of a lot. I mean, I guess it's just a big place, but just for the deli line, it's not like they need to stock the grocery store. It was the deli line. It was also like... But in the deli line, it was like all of the prepared stuff.

They made mayonnaise. They made burger stuff. Yeah. They made like patties. It makes sense. But she did ask Joe to give her the itemized thing. prepared stuff. They made mayonnaise. They made burger stuff. They made patties. She did ask Joe to give her the itemized thing and I hope that Joe skimmed a little bit somehow from... You think he took some from the top?

I wouldn't be surprised if I also wouldn't hold it against him. There's a new construction lady that has never been shown before Like helping out Dave and all them And she's like construction lesbian And it's like who's that She kind of looks like she could have stood up to Elaine

This whole time But they don't really introduce her There's that guy Dave The big guy with the beard Who's like 6'4 Dave is the most competent with a beard who's like 6'4 truly a normal guy is in the middle of this shit show

with all these beta cucks they're clearly fucking he and Elaine have got some very intense sexual tension there's a point where they get into a fight and the crux of the fight it boils down to this

he's like I just feel like you don't trust me and then she like graces his pecs and she's like I'm so sorry you just have to know that when I get like this I love that you can see through it and I'm like

this is almost too intimate for this show no she's like touching his pet she's resting on his pecs because she it comes about because she's yelling at him about some some shit and he flips out and just completely has a break like a mental not a mental breakdown because he's like a strong guy i feel like so he's just like screams, like gives her some back and screams at her and is like, you're asking something impossible for me and I'm delivering it so well and you're still yelling at me for all this bullshit

because you're micromanaging. And then she is like always this is something I love about Elaine. She always knows when to apologize. Always knows when to cede ground. She's like 10 levels above these people. She's done this a thousand times. That's what you have to do as a manager.

Push, push, push, push, push. And then apologize. And then apologize. Well, the funny thing about that fight was because from Dave's side, so the fight was about the floor in the bathroom. And Dave is like, hey, so we realize the floor is rotten. So before we put this cheap tile above it, we have to take all this shit out. or you have rotting floor underneath and it's

just gonna be fucked up it's like i don't care i need that elaine's like i need this to look good for a week exactly she's like the evaluator is coming tomorrow i don't care i don't care if this floor rots out in a month i don't care i don't care about the integrity but she also was going in being like it smells awful in here and dave was explaining to her like it's because of the rotted floor and the toilet like because the toilet like exploded the toilet exploded yeah so it's just funny because she really is like she has not told them all like i just need it to look good for one day i could give a shit what happens with this business. No, I mean, you can't really say that because that's a little too sus. If you say that. Yeah, pretty much. I don't know. The next thing I have

is like there is a massive renovation of Shep's and it looks good, honestly. It looks great. The transformation is insane. It's all white. You know what she avoided doing? What she avoided doing is this kind of disgusting... 90 days.

Dave says that it's been 32 days since he's been hired. Wow, that is crazy. Which is really... She really avoided this horrible like Airbnb-ification that I feel like... I kind of would go for that, but it's not like white marble, gold or black fixtures. It's still Airbnb. No, I think it's because she was... I think it's because she doesn't have much money

she doesn't have the budget so it's like she can't buy the stupid like pendants and local like lithographs for the wall exactly gray wood there's none of the airbnb stuff there all she can afford to do is white actually goes to show that what the amazing thing about design is that when you're on a cheaper budget it actually does force you to innovate and it actually like defies the convention yeah you have to use the building more you have to use the building more and you know you actually have to make more things by hand you can't just like install all of these like mid quality prefabs prefab you can't just be like bring in the laminate stairs yeah i am gonna am going to push back. I do still think it looks very Airbnb. I mean, sure.

It's a geometric ram. It looks like it could be an Airbnb. It looks clean. But there's red carpet on the stairs, which I really like. It looks good. I think she avoided it looking like a complete and totally personality-less. Yeah, it has still some verve to it yes it's probably like the best looking thing downtown i'm sure they have like one sure i'm sure they have like

one or two old like city hall friends besides that like she she kind of did care she tore um but i don't really know what else happens with her she says she doesn't unveil herself my My favorite thing, one of my favorite things she says in the entire show, which is... Mistakes are motivation? No. Mistakes are motivation.

I know that's true. Hey, everyone, I can't believe what's happened to the front of house and then the back of house. I can't believe what's happened to the front of house. She the back of the house i can't believe what's happened in the front of house she's yelling she's like yelling at everyone but it's also kind of motivation she's like after some happens i can't believe what's happened to the front of house and then the back of house that's such a funny way to indict everyone yeah in the

restaurant my my no my favorite quote is um when it's like an interview with her on the opening day day 90 and she's being interviewed and it cuts to her and she says, one of the biggest setbacks of the day already is that Dave killed himself. And then she pauses for like three full seconds and you're like, what the fuck? And then she's

like, he was up all night working. He was up all night working. But there really is a huge pause between her saying killed himself and the like working so hard all night the biggest setback of the day is that dave that's such a funny way to minimize setback of the day it'll be fine tomorrow yeah when you said day 90 i got chills yeah set back up the day. It'll be fine tomorrow. Yeah. When you said day 90,

I got chills. Yeah. Day 90. It's day 90. It's here. Guys. It is here. It is here. But I mean like tomorrow,

or not tomorrow, I think the next episode, episode 14, we'll have more of the juicy details. It'll be huge. What their businesses were evaluated at.

Who won. Who lost. I'm seeing a five hour episode. Well, we're planning something special, but we'll see. What else about Elaine? She has like 45 people working on the day of. She's like really bossing it. She's not paying them anything.

No, nobody's getting paid. Because I assume that every single person, she's out of money. And I assume that every single person there, that's not like the core team, has been told like, here's your hourly, either like you're working has been told like here's your hourly either like you're working for free or like here's your hourly rate we'll do payroll eventually you know and it's like you don't like if you do that i would not spend a single fucking hour working at the fucking renovation of the chef's club i do think i do think some people are getting paid i do think some people are getting paid because i think um because she keeps mentioning having

to factor in labor costs yeah i know some people are because she got 160 000 well she i mean she's talking a lot about construction for that i mean like the opening she also talks about the making the food because after all the food right here she says she says like not only do we have to buy all the new food but we have the labor costs of having to re-prepare everything yeah she's i mean she's probably paying them like you have to imagine the front of house staff that's coming in for the first day she's like everyone works on like a two-week payroll schedule you know so it's like she's definitely imagining like oh we'll run payroll that's that's free for two weeks yeah it's like well then any money you make by selling this shit is gonna go into payroll like you're not

gonna be able to well she's just working for the valuation. My theory is that the kitchen staff is, can I tell you my theory? Because I think it's a good one. Because Joey mentions that he's a caterer. He runs a catering company and that he's not doing any catering for the next

fixed period of time because he's running the deli. And I think that just for starting, just to get it up and running for the 90-day mark valuation, she hired, like, contracted a catering company instead of hiring like a full-time chef or a full-time

kitchen crew, full-time anything. I believe that. Yeah, just hired caterers to be like, use this kitchen. It's actually kind of smart. It is smart for like her situation should we get to well wait

I think so then they had the mac and cheese debacle where she like set shit straight and then they had this crazy thing where she was like

she's kind of doing finishing touches and stuff behind she's like yelling at everyone and then they're like okay we're serving we're serving

and they're giving people this like everyone's like got this like dessert that they're like excited about and it's half a cantaloupe

cut open with two scoops of ice cream on top disgusting and Elaine is the one making it it's so weird and it's like

they're not even scooping out the cantaloupe so the cantaloupe is the bowl it's like a skinned cantaloupe with just ice cream

sitting on top of half of it it's so weird looking there is a tiny little divot in the center but not enough for the ice cream it's not enough for the ice cream sitting on top of half of it. It's so weird looking. There is a tiny little divot in the center. But not enough for the ice cream. It's not enough for the ice cream. And it's also, that's so much food. It's great.

A half a cantaloupe plus two scoops of ice cream is like. Wait, like a whole half of a cantaloupe? An entire half of a cantaloupe. It's like a basketball. It looks like everybody's holding basketball. Without skin either. It's so weird. So you have to eat it then.

Well, there's no skin. And so also your touching part that you eat, like your palms are holding the part you eat. So you have to eat it then. Well, it's all, yeah, there's no skin and so also your touching part that you eat, like your palms are holding the part you eat. That's such a gross idea. It's like,

there's only things that naturally, just give them ice cream. I bet that's that done catering, I bet that's that, like a catering. That's,

that's a catering idea for sure. That's like a gay guy in Fresno who, because it's Fresno, like the only channel for his, um,

the only channel for his creativity is like creating like, you know, being like, what if we scoop out a portobello mushroom and put a different mushroom inside? What if we smoke the cocktail? That is such a small town gay cater thing to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I kind of want to try. I want to try to bite. And all his friends are old ladies and they all call him a bachelor. I love that vibe. Love that man. Me. I want to try to write. And all his friends are old ladies and they all call him a bachelor. Like, I'm a faggot. Love that vibe. Love that man. Me. I say we get to Monique, it's really like watching the fall of Rome in real time.

It's truly the Monique part. She's done literally nothing. I wouldn't even give her the credit of Rome. At the beginning, yeah. At the very beginning of the... Well, first of all, the entire episode, she is calling John her partner, and she keeps calling him recurring.

John is this like Hobbit like Seattle guy that she's gotten all of this free labor from. Yeah. And he's just doing it for no reason. And then she's like, yeah, my partner, my partner, my partner.

And it's like, she refers to a lot of people that work with her casually and in like favor, the context of favors as her like good partner, her close partner you hung out with monique once she would take a picture of you tag on instagram and then start calling you best well it's like because obviously it's like if you start a business and you get the mayor to be a 50 50 partner in your business yeah your evaluation is going to reflect that because they're like oh you have serious ties in the network and so it's like she's just doing whatever she can to make it look like she has this whole network when really nobody's not or been given anything weirded out by very good by lenin because it's like her give her a seat

what's that movie where um the woman's mother is a super ardent communist and she is like um like dying on her deathbed and she has dementia and she thinks that the soviet union is still like in effect and so the person is like we need to make her we need to set it up so that she thinks lenin is still like the the premiere and we need to like make it look like collectivism worked and like communism worked you're talking about the truman show no no it's it's like um but there is um but this monique showing the evaluator around really has that energy because it's really like all these like oh i i think if we just show her like if a woman is like, wow, this snake oil should kill my back.

Her evaluator had Weekend at Bernie vibes, even though the woman wasn't dead. Her evaluator. The business is Bernie. All the evaluators are stone cold CPA and easy psychos. If I was Monique, I would have

fucking killed that evaluator. She started by setting up her contractor stuff. She's like, I was Monique, I would have fucking killed that. Well, so, okay. So they started, she started by setting up her contractor stuff. Like she's like, I got to drop off the van. I got to do this.

And she gave her... No, wait. She doesn't even drop... She doesn't even drop off the van. No, she has all these people dropping it off for her. But she is... Okay, so she gave the fabricator

that's like doing her whole van a four day deadline. And he dropped his other jobs to do this. And it's like, you have had 90 days. You have known that you're getting funding for at least three weeks. You're such a do this. And it's like, you have had 90 days. You have known that you're getting funding for at least three weeks.

It's just like, the second that you get promised 30K, you can start making a plan to spend it. It doesn't matter if it's going to take two weeks to hit your account or something. It's like, you are on a deadline. You can plan things. She's so last minute. What does she actually have on hand right now?

She's got a juicer. She's got the truck being made. She just got a juicer hand right now? She's got a juicer. She's got the truck being made. She just got a juicer that morning. Yeah. She got a juicer the morning of. Truly, truly. What finite objects does she have in her possession? A juicer she just got.

A truck she was gifted. A truck. A song. She's got like $30 in the bank. Yeah. That she refuses to spend for some reason. She's like, she has had 90. something she's like she has had 90 she's hemorrhaging money because she's she's delivering a uh a clinical trial to like 10 people around

dr macaroni is running a blood test of the fattest women in town to see what one juice a day does to their blood sugar. And the beautiful thing about this, the journey of her, first of all, she's like, there's so many important things that have to get done. She needs to look at the final, she needs to go to the doctor and look at the results.

She needs to go to the doctor. She needs to go to the truck place and look at and approve the final results of the truck. She needs to go to the truck place and look at and approve the final results of the truck. She needs to make the changes. I would say she should do these things a week before, at least. By the way, those three things,

she does not do any of them. She doesn't do any of them. This is the kind of boss I would call a busybody. This is someone who likes to be in charge of things only so they have things to do. She likes to put five stops on her calendar every day so she doesn't actually get to do anything

at any of them. She's a hobbyist. She's not an entrepreneur. That's what Sam Shark taken is very true for it, Monique. If she was someone who really had the entrepreneurial spirit, if she was really 10x-ing it, everything she spends her time doing,

she would have already, like Elaine, found someone to delegate all those responsibilities to. She's not managing. She would have had like a team meeting. She's doing a hobby meeting. But she's delegating. No, I think because she's delegating the most important things.

She's delegating bringing the food. She's delegating bringing the food. She's delegating bringing the juice to the place and making sure it gets juiced. She's not even going there that day. You know what she's doing? She's bringing coffee to the guy who's fabricating the truck. And she's like, yeah, this is... I like to...

You know, they're doing a lot of work. She shows up at a studio with coffee. What's his name again? She's like, I'm going to go show my support. She shows up at his studio with coffee. What's his name again? She's like, I'm going to go show my support. She shows up at his place and she's like, this guy's making Gentro. He's making the

wooden casing for this shitty little truck for her. She's like, that looks good. The carriers. The carriers. So he's there and she shows up with coffee in hand. She's like, oh, I. He's talking to the carriers. The carriers. The carriers. I see. So he's there and she shows up and she's like, with coffee in hand, she's like, oh, I'm just here to, you know, lend my time, help you, you know, because I really appreciate you doing this for me for free.

I'm just here to, you know, help you out. And you know, Monique is that kind of person that shows up to like, just help and makes your job 10 times worse. She's like, you need anything physical that you need me to do. And then you have to teach her how to do it. She has to do it. She wants to talk. It's like, if you want... Let me paint one. Yeah. Oh, God. I hate that.

I hate that. It really comes off and I'm like, I don't know. I saw something in this episode because I watched it twice because it refused to stick on my brain the first time I saw it. But I, like, there's all these moments of like her going to these places bringing coffee and being like is there anything physical you want me to do and then we're being like talking about the other john the the um because there's two guys named john and one of them is like a

goblin like white guy the other guy is like a handsome, like, older black guy. And she's like, John is... I'm really attracted to the way that he works. And then she says later in the episode, like, I really love John in the way that we get along for working. And it's like, okay, she's being horny, I think.

She's being like... That's like her way of being horny. Compared to Elaine... Yeah, oh my god. So she has her quote in this first half is, titles mean nothing. Which is such an amazing quote to put in the episode where she's going around

and introducing all these people as her partners and yet not giving them equity or money. it's so annoying money is nothing money ain't nothing but a number y'all so the other thing she says is i wouldn't ask anybody to do something for me that i wouldn't do myself which is what she's saying when she paints one panel of the truck like to be like look i getitty. I'm a girl boss who gets her hands dirty. I hate that sentence. I wouldn't ask anybody to do

something for me that I wouldn't do myself. She means like she would never hire a plumber. I would never hire a plumber. Unless I'm willing to help him get... That's so stupid. It's not very conducive

to running a business. Or hiring people. The whole point you hire... The whole reason that you hire someone is because they have skills you don't have. I mean, it's very ironic because it's going for the woman who clearly hates working. Yeah. Like, doing the most basic aspects of it. She's found someone else to do it, or she just has not got it done.

And has no idea how to do it. It's like the... It's just a fake sentence that she says. She's completely just full of shit. I mean, they all are. They are all full of shit. I mean, this whole show is a complete total scam and a lie. Of course, but I really resent that Grant and

Elaine have got the personality and the actual worth ethic to kind of undergird this massive lie that is central to the show yeah or like unique does like none of the rhetorical work no she just sits back this work she just kind of winds her way through it which is somehow almost funnier because that is how like american capitalism is functioning now she's just like winding their way through it she scaled her business down to what could maybe realistically

be done in three months like what you could get done as opposed to saying like i'm going to take on a huge thing and just find a way to get there it's it's good i mean just the scale of what she's doing versus like what elaine did is is insane. She has a truck. So what happens? I mean, she goes... It's her first... She drives her evaluator around. So her evaluator comes and they meet and talk over some numbers. She has one vendor, one person in town currently selling her juices,

which is the coffee shop in the building that she pays to have an office space in. It is her first day of business with everything open at once is the day the evaluator comes no records no no so what did you do so what did you sell yesterday we weren't we today is our first day so she's like it's like she won't know until 5 p.m what you know like till even then it's like you have no data it's like you won't know you what you're gonna look and ask the person at the coffee shop how much they sold and that's your numbers for the day. So it's her first day of business and the evaluator comes.

The evaluator is... They're going over the numbers. They're checking the numbers. Oh no, sorry. Before that, she goes to church. It's for the first time in three months. Yeah. And she's like...

She's the pastor's daughter. She just says that's like she says it's so me to start my final day going to church yeah she's never been yeah she she started the she started the series by shaking down a pastor outside of church she didn't go in that's true she got the perfect evaluator for her she got this like i don't think so i don't think so she got like a guilty like self-flagellating this white woman in a pink blazer this woman is a stone wall are you kidding no she is i i would say you're both right i would say you're both right this woman does seem completely and she seems a little artistically focused on her role as a kind of well every single interview with her she's like I'm

Here to check the numbers I mean The lifestyle is whatever but I'm here She said something so funny she said My primary question for Monique is How can you do this and make Money Which is The best guy that would be it would be way

Worse yes I do think I do think I is the most Psycho guy yeah but I mean like in the world of evaluators that is monique you know like that's monique style there's an argument to be made for monique's entire kind of um advantage in this game being that she went to a suburb of an incredibly liberal um city and there's a reason why middle class at the peak of like the BLM movement she is getting all of these I don't mean to say this in any kind of rude way

but she's getting all these handouts she fully is and who's not I mean getting those handouts are part of business we've talked about it so many times it's a function of the show because Getting those handouts are part of business. Go for it. We've talked about it so many times. It's a function of the show because she's so bad at business

that the producers, I think, have fully taken over, much like all of her underlings have taken over. She doesn't even give them a design for the truck. She doesn't give them a design for the bottles. She doesn't give a plan for anything. She doesn't do... She does does nothing she doesn't even make the

recipes for all the juices no she does nothing it's so but it's true that she does like she's doing this at like a flash point in like a liberal city trying to there's something to be saying for knowing your surroundings and i gotta exploit them i think she's good at that i don't think it's her choosing i think the producers were lucky here's here's a here's a church you can go to to like get your first place here's because she dms the mayor from like a literal spam account on twitter yeah four followers yeah literally like look at all this crypto that i got and the mayor is like why don't you come and hang out with me and it's so that's the fake as like oh why don't you live with me of course she gets a we work for free for like the half price all of it is so fake and stupid and then the

evaluator comes and the funniest thing that happens is the first thing that happens when the evaluator comes is she hands the evaluator a juice shot and the top the cap breaks off of it and she can't open the juice shot. She's like, that happens. Yeah, she's like... She's like, hey, first day. It's like the label on a bottle of snake oil in the Old West peeling off and it says like poison. It says like turpentine and then you just like...

Literally. Plaster it over. So they visit the one, she visit the one she calls the one coffee shop that's carrying her juice one of her vendors

in the city and it's like that's just so like it's such a lie so she goes to the and like they check on like this juice

that's definitely not sold they do a juice shot it looks disgusting and then they get in a car to go visit like everyone in the city and they get the rudest shot of the evaluator.

It's from the front of the dashboard, right? This is a bigger woman who carries her weight mostly in one part of her body. And it's a wide angle lens with that part of the body close to it. It's really not. It's really rude. Honestly, you know what it looks like. they have her laid up home birth style miss buff driving school what that kind of looked like to me it really reads like she's gonna give aongebob qualities to her and a little sandy cheeks

it really reads like she's gonna give a speech at the end like the evaluator's like your business is worth like 10 grand and she gives a speech at the end and is like but what matters about business isn't the numbers it's the community and then like sways the investor

like fully what she's going for because basically she goes to like let's go to this impartial person who's been testing my juice and she goes to someone and they're like wow i feel great after drinking the juice well the crazy thing about that is so she's like let's do a tour of like the whole business and so the first thing that they do is she's like we're gonna go check on our customers who do home delivery and it's like these aren't your paying customers that do home delivery these are people that you are dropping off juice to for free every day you're not making money on these you told these people do you want

free juice she was like can i please please will you please come over and they were like important and they were like i don't like juice and even then she's like we delivered to two people and it's like okay wait you've been doing this for three months she's just running out the clock with this miss puff of value yeah it's so funny like surprise she didn't she didn't like slit her tire to be like whoops guys have to hang out here for a little bit guys like someone is weighing down the car some juice might de-inflate you because remember at the beginning monika said herself she lost 30 pounds of inflammation 30 pounds of inflammation i still can't get over that is like that's like that's truly it's like you had a

you were gonna die bitch what that's like you were that's like a body floating in a creek for five weeks yeah like level of inflammation is insane anyways she yeah she she drives this drives this lady around so these ladies does not look impressed the lady doesn't look impressed i'm gonna be honest she is kind of like this is not a business they talk to the the research group like lesbians and hilariously monique is like i don't know what the results are i hope they're good she was like do you feel good she was like do you feel better and they were like these two women who clearly are eating like 5 000 calories a day yeah and then just on top of it drinking two juice shots are like yeah i feel a

lot of energy it's just like yeah how is this a control group this is so crazy it's so insane it's not a control group at all they go to dr macaroni do you do juice do you guys drink juice i make i do ag1 every once in a while i do i do like powdered green i went to the um i do a mix i went to the union union square farmers market the other day and got some ginger tea that was kind of juiced up. You're big on your... You do juice and you do mushroom coffee.

Mushroom coffee. That's kind of your juice. I do... With the mushroom coffee, I have a tri... It's kind of Brian Johnson to me. I have a tri-beverage morning. Mushroom coffee with added chaga, a little bit of half and half period and then um water with um lemon and cayenne pepper and then i'll do a juice after

that which is carrot ginger turmeric black pepper you juicy yourself no i i get a i get produced no I get I get no I get my boy I get my house boy a ratio bathhouse

whatever naked farm yeah yeah oddwalla you're like I'm drinking oddwalla every morning

I feel tired I'm really tired oddwalla I get a jamba juice I do I do like a powdered greens with a scoop

of think about trying I hate the taste of it well here's what I do I do then I do two sc the scoop of think about trying it i hate the taste of it i like well here's what i do i do a then i do two scoops of fiber yeah and then a scoop of um collagen and then the the one for the taste is you do like a tablespoon of dehydrated lemon powder and it makes it like more of a citrusy juice instead of like a chalky juice. There's that. Yeah. Like it's really good. It just takes it all away. Quality. But then I also do,

um, I, I have that mud water. Chai stuff. I like that stuff. And then I also have this MCT coconut, um, like vanilla.

I've been doing it. Yeah. Period. Um, and then it, you do that in, I, I put that in the,

um, I N, uh, lemon water sometimes. Oh, been doing it yeah period um and then it you do that in i put that in the um cayenne uh lemon water sometimes a little vanilla water is good you know how like my body you know how like vanilla and lemonade is really i don't do it this much i you guys are talking juice like numbers it's good i will say i don't i think i could probably not do it in film line oh but then i've also been doing it's more about it's more about the scaffolding that goes into my kind of psychology. If you put fiber in your juice, that does a real thing. You can feel it.

It's more so I can feel and control my life. I think this is a tangent I think we should... Listen, this is the most interesting part of the day. I'm saying Monique couldn't sell juice. She doesn't know what anything we just said is. She's never heard of collagen. I'm like, she's doing like of college. I'm like she's

doing like she's doing like watermelon ginger. I'm like bitch what is in that like Tacoma. You think people are past that.

She's like we're doing she's like we're doing cherry cantaloupe. You think that that's like this show is she was doing cherry lime.

It's like cherry lime. That's a cocktail literally a Gatorade flavor. Yeah. Like come on. I this show

really reminds me of the curse. The new like safety brothers show like shout out the curse go watch the curse the curse is really good actually but it really reminds i was like there's so many parallels there's so many little line deliveries like actually yeah yeah at one point is driving in the car with the evaluator and is like what's a flavor you really like and the evaluator is like I really like citrus and she goes and Monique is like ooh

love a citrus girly and I was like this is so uncomfortable to watch I was like I would kill myself zero charm trying as hard as they can to ingratiate themselves with a stranger like three times during this episode, Monique goes, shots, shots, shots, shots. Yeah, she loves that line.

She loves that line. And the evaluator is completely stone-faced every single time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so gratifying to see someone just not give her any reaction. It is pretty cool. I do like, I like the evaluator. Okay, let's talk about Monique and get to Grant. What else happened with Monique?

So they're claiming two juice shots a day fixed their clogged arteries and they show they show these charts that show like that like it they're down by 50 something but it's like whatever tests you're doing there's no way they dropped 50 by juice that's just crazy yeah it's like who know yeah it's like what are you these are in control group how does this extrapolate into any larger consumer base because you have no idea what they're eating at home they're not asking them to report what they eat it's just and there's no it's on a graph on a trust that has no labels on it it's just two like big bars yeah and also like

um oh fuck i lost my train of thought well okay then they go to see the truck and everything and monique is seeing the truck for the first time alongside the evaluator which has to be a bad look like if you're the evaluator like horrible yeah just check on it that morning you know and be like here it is here's how it works. She's being told how it works. It's so bad. It's really bad. It's really stupid. At the end of the

day of their mobile event, she's like, we sold a lot of juice today. It shows her net worth in the corner. Her net worth goes up from $2,600 to $3,500. And it's like, wow, you sold under $1,000 worth of juice.

You made under $1,000 gross profit for a full day and you want to be evaluated for $1,000,000. It's crazy. Did she get her evaluation? Well, no. So then in the end of the episode, she's like, it's a cliffhanger with her reveal and she has the most boring reveal.

And I realized as I was just watching this, I tried to watch this part like three times. I couldn't soak it in. It was just like she had her whole team assembled and she was revealing to them like, so I'm not. She's been weirding out. I'm not who I said I was. And it's just like they look at all their faces. It's not a cliffhanger because they react.

They react but they don't interview. But it's like, nobody really cares because none of these people are really invested in her. They all know. Well, she also has no real emotional bond with them. Like Grant does. Well, none of them are even part-time invested. They're all so casual.

They're people who've been hamstrung into this woman. No one's tying their livelihood to her. And the producers told them at the very beginning was like this lady is just trust us like you've got a probably it's just no the whole situation is just so drab it's just she's like revealing and everyone's like trying to think about like how they should react to it and it's just like this is this sucks This sucks. Whoa. So you... Wait. What's going on?

Wait, so you're... You've been lying the whole time. Okay. Let's get to Grant. I loved specifically the way Grant's... I think this is how it opened.

Oh wait, there was one more thing with Monique that I didn't remember. There's a part where she gives a little kid a juice shot and she asks, how does it taste? And the kid is just sitting there and makes a face and doesn't answer and it just lingers on the kid

for a really long time. I saw that. He said he definitely thought it was fucking disgusting. Yeah. So Grant opens with, he's at his HQ, and he's talking about how ugly the building used to be and how amazing it looks now. And they just like painted it. They did this. They do this really amazing shot,

this montage scene with Grant that I loved where it's him going around and doing like 10 seconds of each laborer's job for the camera. You know, it's like a little bit of him painting it's a little bit from spray painting very funny um he toured his whole thing at the beginning is he needs one big last catch he needs it was two actually i think is it two yeah he's like i need more money to make sure i can get this evaluation more clients he's worried

about where does he go first he has first? He has one more meeting. They're setting up this whole office. They've got all these different aspects. You're seeing how big this is. I just can't believe that. How could he, really just off of convincing Matt Smith, let him set up this large of an office when they have three interns, basically?

Nothing to even do with the shuttle. set up this large of an office when they have like three interns, basically, you know, nothing to even, nothing to even do with the, nothing to even do with the space. There's just like, I guess we have to start a podcast company. Kiss my ass. Um,

but I just, I don't understand how they convinced Matt Smith. Like this is going to be a, I'll just say I understand it and leave it at that. I understand why it works it at that it works for me it like really like they they meet with one guy

and the largest roofer in town yeah this is this is a really funny scene because it's really like some old like early episode grant like a slight early episode grant moment where the guy is like the matt smith's wife who is now a fixture of like all these meetings is like my god clearly he likes being on tv yeah it is it's like you you have a really like inspiring story too right and

the roofer guy is like yeah i had a drug problem i've been clean for 20 years i really like it burned every bridge and then i and grant is like tell me about your that's great tell me about your bottom line and then it's like an interview thing with it's so weird clearly one of the producers asked him like why didn't you talk about the common ground that you had yeah the fact that you also were a drug addict yeah Yeah, Grant is literally like, um, no, I, like, see, that's loser mindset to talk about something like that. Talk about drugs? Talk about drugs? I'm trying to talk about

the bottom line. Yeah, he's like, I'm not impressed because of drugs. I'm impressed because of the business. But it is so, it's like, you really miss the opportunity to be like, hey man, I've been there. Like, it's cool that you're successful. Of course. It's because he's such a monomaniacal psychopath that he goes in and he can't listen to what other people say so he has to just keep repeating something well he's also he's such a contrarian in that he has when it's not i mean his drug story is very built into his

when no one asks he talks about it. And then the second that someone tees it up for him, he's like, I don't want to talk about that. I know. I know. Well, he needs to be, I think it's more that he needs to be in control of how people's emotional stories are being used. Yes. If he had got that that guy used to be a drug addict out of him, involuntarily, Grant would have absolutely talked about the drugs. What drugs, brother?

But if someone offers up i used to he's like well if i talk to you about this you're in control of that narrative here's uh and i don't i he that's why he's just like bottom line here's an alternate theory is that grant heard that he was a drug addict and was like oh shit does my shirt still smell like does my shirt still smell like crack from doing it right before i came into the meeting? We better move on. Literally, the guy was like, I'm 20 years sober. And he was like, oh, fuck. It's white Brian in there.

He was relieved when the guy said 20 years because he's like, oh, he probably forgot what it smells like. I'm in the clear. He used to smoke crack in Lake Charles, Louisiana to go. So he's convincing that guy. It's a deal for 120K for the year broken up into 52 videos meaning that every week my final every every week for the entire year no weeks off they're going to shoot a long form video for 2.5k that then gets broken up into clips for social media that's an insane who fucking care why does it what is a roofing company it's just an insane budget like that's the

marketing budget of like a like startup that's consumer facing it's just like a product going around to like people who run boating companies and roofers and hot tub salesmen and just being like, I can make you a celebrity overnight. The most vile class of person in America. I know. These are businesses that are sustained by other

wealthy, not wealthy, but other upper middle class people who want luxury items. No one is buying a boat or a hot tub or a fucking like new roof because of instagram he is pitching the marketing budgets like they are like white claw it's so fucking funny also he's not doing what i think would be a more successful like marketing strategy to these types of people is to like appeal to their ego more because he is mostly about like it's about growth it's about being

persistent it's about always having like something on the internet and but like with none of these like hot tub salesmen type people who obviously put on their best polo shirt yeah yeah yeah who obviously put on their best polo shirt yeah yeah like he never is like we need you the only guy he says that to really is the barber he's like we can make you a celebrity the other thing is like if he was being smart to the businesses he would just take a look at like okay so we just need to get your name into places where people buy roofs it's not an impulse purchase so why would you have like narrative marketing on tiktok about a roofer and let like it's just not because that makes sense if you're a guy who runs a boat company who's like i want to become a celebrity like grant became like a celebrity business owner yeah but that's the only because that's the only thing that worked for him that's the only way he can see these businesses like leveling up is if he can make another kind of uh business owner in his own image and like you could it's

like you could be selling out you know it's like realistically arenas in toledo if you wrote a book about 10x or whatever these these companies would max out at spending a couple thousand dollars a month on billboards and like facebook. That's all they need. It's crazy to do anything beyond that. That's like maxing out. No, it's insane. But he does get the deal, I believe, right? Oh yeah, he gets the deal.

It's so funny how he, because he's also like worst case scenario, you get one call and those videos stay up forever. That sounds terrible and he's like and matt smith is like are you gonna so are you gonna sign and there's a huge possum grants like given the paperwork he's ready to sign he's ready to sign because back to the guy he's like i mean i guess so and he signs it it's so funny i love him um then he he has

after this he has a little meltdown about one of the meltdowns he's had three times where he's like i just can't keep lying to people i'm a freak i'm a fraud i'm not no grant cardone he really likes he stands to lose more from this than any other person because his entire like persona is built on being like the business expert Someone who should in theory be able to do exactly this So this is when we kind of Remembered the premise Of what this show is proposing Which is just so dangerous

Unless you could make a million dollars Off of a hundred dollars In a random city where you know no one If you can't do this You're lazy You suck, you deserve to be You're lazy and you suck. You deserve to be poor. This is literally about how poor people have no... It's trying to prove that poor people have no excuse.

No work ethic. There's no excuse for any of their suffering or whatever. But to me, it's just like, it's so, it's so, so, so stupid. It's so stupid. It would be... Sinister is the idea of pulling

yourself up by your bootstraps or whatever like that's an idea that captivated the american working class for generations but now because the economy is so splintered this is the best thing that a lot of these people can come up with which is like this hypothetical of if you can't become a millionaire of a190 of $100 in a city where you know no one, that is the new argument for pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. It's sinister, it's stupid,

but it's so crucially out of touch that it kind of falters even. It's so the Burger King version of the American dream. It's so dumb. And it's proven by how badly this show fails. Yeah. Like, no one wants to see this shit.

No one believes it. No one buys it. No, no, no. This show literally failed. I believe we would be on season five if it wasn't for the fact that it premiered on January 6th. I mean, that would be a lot. A lot of people who would have watched this show were trying to behead Nancy Pelosi. 80% of the potential watchers. All jets they were in jail grant interviewed yeah from

literally it is actually the exact demographic of like it's crazy middle america just rich enough to have like one jet ski the ep of the show killed himself when he saw what was happening on the news oh my god our biggest setback of the day is actually that dave killed him show killed himself when he saw what was happening on the news. Oh my god. Our biggest setback of the day is actually that Dave killed himself. Dave killed himself. Grant, yeah, he gets the deal. The next thing I remember is him having his freak out.

Then he sits down with the evaluator. And then he sits down with the evaluator. What happens? So he basically preempts a conservative evaluation by telling the guy, so listen, listen, listen. I'm conservative. I'm conservative with my numbers.

I've been up and down in real estate. I've been in marketing. I'm conservative with my numbers. Conservatively, I'd say that for the rest of the time, we're going to add $300K in contracts every month. That's crazy. Like forever. And I'm estimating this year we'll do about $3.4 million,

and that'll just grow. He's like, conservatively. And the evaluator says, so you're an embryo right now. And he's like, an embryo? Yeah, he's like the last guy who called me an embryo. He died. He gets really visibly mad.

So mad at being called an embryo. And he's interrupting the evaluator and being like, what are you talking? And he at one point is like, don't call me an embryo. There's even a cutaway to an interview and he's like, I don't like being called an embryo. But it's like the more,

the smaller the valuator can call them, the better for the valuation because the more possible for the projections could be. I didn't even think about that, but that's so true. You can't call Greg Cardone small. Because if you said that

they're a developed business and you guys have six clients, you're not going to do too much better. But if you say you're an embryo with six clients, it's actually pretty good. This could be a million dollar business. But he just gets so mad at that word. His ego can't let him let it go.

He says something in the club where he's like, I'm Ali. I'm Kobe. Call me Kobe. I'm not an embryo. I love him. He me Kobe. Call me Jesus. I'm Mayweather. I'm not an embryo. Yeah. I love him. He's so fucking funny. So then he flies his family in on his PJ.

He flies his family. Well, before this, he does his unveiling. And then he brings his family out. No, he brings his family. Family's already there. Then he does the unveiling. Oh, I see. I see.

I see. I see. I see. So his family comes in on the private plane we get a second look at his bitmoji wife his little his giada de laurentis ass wife

she's so bitmoji wife is still the funniest dead wife face his wife face is so cool she's really, she's such a stock image wife it's fucking hilarious it's like the guy who has the fakest business asset her makeup is like ideology she's really beautiful though she's acrylic paint but yeah she's so she's she's i think she looks fine she looks great but here

it's like everything is so bright she looks like a billboard yeah Yeah, it's crazy. It looks so entirely, just totally hollow. Yeah. Like Grant did, and got an amazing wife, like perfectly encapsulates how empty this whole thing is, where he's just like, I just need her to be

a couple inches taller than me. She's got to be smiling all the time. She's got to be pretty. And you know, it's like, it was all so perfect. She's got to have good guts

so she can pump out some more. Literally. And he found exactly her. It's so funny seeing her. Ben and I were noting that his daughter Sabrina is looking kind of nutty. Kind of nutty. Yeah. Exactly. I thought the same thing.

I said look at this nut. She's kind of giving nut. Also both daughters are dressed like chavs. Yeah. But the one is really giving nut. that one has short hair i follow her on instagram she um on instagram let's just say she's let's say she's got some swag okay period she's uh she's can you remind the audience what a nut is the nut is a uh trans mask person egg egg it's the it's a trans mask version of Egg. It's a

trans mask version of egg. And it's this little girl. I don't know about that. I don't know if I would go that far, but I would say definitely. I said it. And be definitely raw. I said it. Call me the nutcracker.

Yeah, he meets the family and then it's time for him to call me the squirrel the way I be cracking these nuts. Yeah. Hester really hates nuts. I think it's not as good as you think it is. What are you talking... It's one of the strongest Ben's ever done.

She's coming for nuts, okay. We're all gonna come for nuts. Yeah, she's coming for nuts. She's coming for nuts. But yeah, he wheels his family out but he his family isn't there when he unveils himself no no no no no they come later he's really afraid that everyone's gonna feel scammed like he like he's freaking out that he's like everyone's gonna think i scammed everyone's gonna think i'm a liar

he did he did literally scam them it just so happens that because scammed there's a second scam coming, which is, I'm going to pay all of you off. So it's not really, you know. They don't have much to lose. So he goes to tell them, and he tells them in the stupidest, the most grant way

where it seems so sketchy. He's like, I told you. No, it literally seems like he's about to whip out a gun and shoot himself in the head and like he's like i told y'all my father about my father about my brother my father's name was curtis lewis and my brother's name was curtis lewis lewis no he says curtis lewis no no lewis he flips it it's insane no yeah no he says curtis lewis lewis no he says curtis lewis no no lewis he flips it it's insane no yeah no he says curtis lewis because that's why he chose the name lewis curtis that makes more sense he flips them right yes but he's like my father's name was curtis lewis his father

it sounded like he inverted it did i heard that he inverted it that just doesn't make any sense it makes much more sense and that's's why... No, he says... And that's why my name is Lewis Curtis. Because his name is Lewis Curtis. Right, I know. His name is Lewis Curtis. Well, his name is Grant Cardone. Yeah.

Grant Cardone. Grant Cardone. Grant Cardone. So his father... Such a fucking freak. Name... Curtis Lewis. And his...

Brother name is Curtis Lewis. And his fake name... Lewis Curtis. But then his brother's name... Curtis Lewis. And his real name... Grant Cardone. Grant Cardone. Grant Card Curtis. But then his brother's name? Curtis Lewis. And his real name? Grant Carter. Grant Carter.

But he's... Imagine this is how... You're at this reveal, and the person reveals this by being like, actually, my father's name was my name reversed. What was his father's name? It's so fucking stupid. My name is my fake name.

My fake name is my father's name, but opposite. The name I gave you is stupid my name is my fake name and my fake name is a father's name but opposite the name i gave you is not my name you owe me 10 million dollars today it's the opposite of my father's and my brother's name i have reverse 150 million dollars this year i'm actually grant carl dole i'm actually and the best part of the reveal is he is like and I got y'all a little present and then he's so fucking weird when he does this pulls up the carpet and it says 10x on the floor

it's like a decal it's like a 6 foot by 6 foot decal on the cement floor that says 10x which is the brand of his motivational business speaking thing and he is like he says this is worth ten thousand dollars ten million dollars this is worth ten million dollars and he says i've never done this before but you're like you're giving someone a giant detail

they're all like what are you what are you doing it's also it's like it's so weird does it mean that he's never co-signed a business? Because he absolutely has. That's what he means. He doesn't. That's what he means. But it's just, for him to not make explicit,

the terms explicit beforehand, that he is now like, giving massive, you know, whatever. I just dropped off a gift. Because the next thing that happens is someone asks him,

what does 10X mean? Yeah. And he, again, does not answer. He doesn't. It means whatever you got. does not answer it means whatever you guys whatever it means to you whatever you got you multiply by 10 whatever your price is you multiply by 10 i'm like multiplying a price by 10 he's crazy yeah yeah he's so like he's like

i've written he has eight books he's nine ninth book coming out and 10x is the 4th book and that one just came out my father is Lewis Curtis he's just so phony to get in for this reveal it's hilarious it's so stupid and then he's like and the worst part I don't even wear glasses and takes off the biggest glasses in the world

glasses that weigh 8 pounds cause there's like actual glass in them and so he's so fucking funny really cares everybody she's crying she won't stop crying she flips out but she's happy yeah she's she seems like she's because then after this grant brings in his family is beautiful unmedicated tall wife is his cute little trans-masc children and matt smith's wife is just like crying won't stop so much i think it's just because she's seeing like a hot family she's just seeing a billionaire yeah yeah yeah it's totally rattled yeah she's

seeing a billionaire well he's not he's not actually a billionaire i think he's the only one that is actually doing on paper yeah net worth net worth but he does not have negative five million absolutely but all of his houses have

left yeah yeah 300% inflated but everybody else is like well I'm just glad that

the mystery's gone because I was getting a little nervous you can see a couple of his girls kind of

one of them even says like I just he was so crazy I thought he was just a crazy guy, but now seeing that he has a family, it's actually he's not as crazy anymore. She says, he rubs me the wrong way.

I guess I'm not as afraid he's going to follow me down an alley now. I've seen his children. I know his children's names. It's so fucking funny. Well, we could wrap it up there. What do you guys think? Well, I mean, there's nothing left to cover. It's so fucking funny. Well, we can wrap it up there. What do you guys think? Well, I mean, there's nothing left to cover.

Yeah, that's where it ends. We're waiting. The cliffhanger is going to be the actual valuation. So I would love to, before we wrap up, ask Hessa, what are your projections for the valuations? Because you've never seen this show. Interesting.

So lay it down in the order we went. So let's go Elaine from beginning to end. She got to town. She ended up, she didn't know she was going to end up working with Shep's Club. Well, a little cheap that, or not cheap, but I remember you both saying that none of them make it to a million

that's not true really no yeah oh okay so my assumption is that all of the valuations are greatly overinflated um well so elaine she put in 150k from sba. Then an additional $60,000, then an additional $6,000. So she's in for $215,000-ish. $216,000? Yeah, $216,000. The beautiful sounds of New York City. They're so mad. Where do you think that $216,000 has gotten her?

I think the $216,000 has gotten her to $1.2 million. Because she's got the tranches. $1.2 million. Because she's got the tranches. If you evaluated them separately, but actually her evaluator at the end of this episode that we just got to introduce said something interesting, which was that

these can be assets, but also if one of them is bleeding, like one of them isn't set up right and is losing money, it'll bleed the whole business. And that's a good point with these tranches. And he also points out something else, which is that it really seems like

there are tranches that are centered around these, like, also, he also said revenue streams, which I'm like, oh, that's just what a tranche is. Yeah, it's a revenue stream. Yeah, and... Tranche is a way better word. He was like, and I'm like, oh, that's just what a tranche is. Yeah, it's a revenue stream. Tranche is a way better word. Yeah, I agree. He's like, the central node seems to be farm and egg, but then

there's also these other tranches that are very clearly that she's railroaded into because they were part of the building, like the inn, which I don't think is going to be very profitable. The inn is maybe one of the most profitable. Really?

Yeah. If she can just be the go-to. Well, I don't know. The thing about the inn that I think is the killer is that it's one, it's like a hostel-style bathroom. But that's the point. If it's the one place in town that you can go for your night.

A lot of homeless people who need to pay 8080 to sleep somewhere. It's not going to be $80. It's gentrified as fuck. It's going to be probably $100 for Fresno. Like $100, $110. I bet it's way. I think you can look it up right now.

Yeah, check it out. So then, okay, so you say 1.2. Now, Monique, she's got that lady evaluator. What do you think she's going to get after introducing her to all her relationships after running through the numbers

they're obviously going to be overvaluated and so Monique put in 30k and I think she had Sloan invest a little bit I want to say

she's somewhere around 40 she got about 40 in where do you think I think it's like 30 and 50 or something Sloan was 50? I think no no

those guys gave her 30 those are the guys who gave her or something. Sloan was $50,000? I think. No, no, those guys gave her $30,000. Those are the guys who gave her the $30,000. Yeah, and Sloan never put in more than $10,000 max. Okay, I think that she... First of all, I think the actual worth of her business. Yeah, well, I mean, less than $40,000. Yeah. I was reading that Reddit thread I sent.

You did like a complete valuation, and they found it to be 24k. Yeah. Which is funny because they have 30k in the bank. Shut it down. Keeping the Reddit evaluation in mind, which is so funny,

I think it's going to be 240k. I think we're going to 10x it. You think they they're gonna go real low compared to the million i think that there's no way they can try and bullshit it more than that yeah and that is already they're gonna do as much work as they can yeah and i think now grant grant i think grant include you have to include the fact that i think they're including the building because i think he got he had matt smith put the building in the business's name

okay including a very smart move honestly yeah but it's a business in downtown pueblo so it's not like big real estate yeah but it is a big building with like uh historic value yes yes yes yes the historic and they have what is the size the building. And I want to say they have, what is it, like 200 or 300K a year in contracts already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 400 or 500. That seems really high. It's really high. I think that's where they wanted to get.

That seems crazy. No, no, no, because their contracts are for... They have the one that's 120. They're all for 120. It's a standardized contract. No, no, no, but most of the other ones, all the other ones are cheaper. That was by far their big whale. Oh, okay. They have some that are in for like 40K a year standardized contract. No, no, no. But most of the other ones, all the other ones are cheaper. That was by far their big whale. Oh, okay.

They have some that are in for like 40K a year. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm like, 400 sounds high. But maybe, let's say it's somewhere around there. Yeah, I think it's like, let's say 300 for that. If it's 300 for that so far, another... That's a building.

Yes, there's the building also. Which, what do we think of building around there? Half a mil? No clue. I mean, I think. Yeah, 400, 500K maybe. Well, maybe that's the renovated. He got it.

Didn't he get it for like 200? Probably, because Pueblo. I think he got it for like 200. That makes sense. And then they put probably 50K into it. I would say the building's like three. Three, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I would say the valuation of his business, probably how much I think it's worth. No, no, no. What do you think the valuator? The valuator probably will say 800K. You don't think a million? 800k. You don't think a million?

So you think only Elaine is going to cross the threshold? I think, well, I might be... Okay, I think the evaluator is going to push Grant over the edge. Because I think that really he would be behind the scenes being like... He's physically afraid of what Grant will do. I will sue you into the Stone Age

or something. I think grant's business is going to be 1.4 okay i think he's going to win yeah it's almost double what you just said 1.1 maybe let's say one point because i think so you think elaine's at 1.2 grants at 1.1 monique's at 240k yeah okay there's no way to give monique more than that i mean that business being worth anything is so it's calling 240k is already criminal i mean as a tv show they can't say your business is worth ten thousand dollars yeah yeah they really can't she she would yeah she would maybe five five hundred k is as high as it's been going for her i mean i would agree with that you've that's just ridiculous that's really pushing it there. But I think until next time

when these numbers are unveiled and the big reveal. And I think we will have a guest. We will. Oh, yeah. We will have a guest. I guess Jen's booking a guest for the show now.

We will have a guest. Go off. Oh, and also another crazy thing we learned between the last episode and now, Creed from the 559, Tim Hockenberry, and Coe at the Big Potato is actually Creed from The Office.

Yeah, the joke I made is real. Hessa was joking that it's Creed from The Office, but it is Creed Bratton from The Office. I kind of felt like it was. It kind of makes sense that he's LA, like a white, blues musician. I just can't believe that he's hanging, like a white blues musician. I just can't believe it. He's hanging out there with Elaine and the 559, Tim Hockenberry. Come on down to make potato.

All right, guys, we'll talk to you next time. Goodbye. ¶¶ Thank you. Outro Music