Seeking Derangements - SD 290 - Bisexual Purple Heart

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Today we're all back together and trying to figure out what happened at the Super Bowl, why Jacques thought Selena Quintanilla was a lady of the night, and celebrate the Queer Eyes getting carjacked in Nola. Plus we take a few of your calls. Mwah

To be in love with yourself, I think it's good sometimes. To be in love with yourself, sometimes bring a piece of mine. To be in love with yourself I think it's good sometimes To be in love with yourself Sometimes bring your peace of mind Jock's doing a dab. It's Valentine's Day. And Ash Wednesday.

It's Ash Wednesday, which I celebrate. It's not. It's Valentine's Day also. We don't recognize Valentine's Day here. We only recognize the Catholic holiday of Ash Wednesday. That's why we all have tar smear on our faces right now. Unless I really like you as a couple. If I see you posting on instagram as a

couple i'm unfollowing you and maybe probably blocking which i've been doing followed anyone today like four people ben ben and jock are recording from a graveyard right now which is why you can hear crows and other carrion birds uh yeah literally chirping in the background we're emo boys today we're being really goth being jogger dressed in trip pants we have we have mohawks i'm actually wearing a shirt that's covered clips all over his face or clothespins what i'm literally wearing a shirt that's covered in fake blood to represent how many times my heart has been ripped into

thousands of shreds. Yeah, and Jock looks like Carrie because there's so much fake blood on it. Jock, you have so many. And some of it's real blood, if I recall. There's absolutely some real blood in there, for sure. Yeah, and red PDA light.

But you guys missed the Super Bowl, so let me fill you in. Okay. It's time to join Harry Carpenter for Sports Night. Play number one. The Kansas City kicks it off and San Francisco catches it. Wow. The guy number 38 catches it and he starts running. Wow. The guy, number 38, catches it, and he starts running, okay?

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. I'm going to go through the whole game like this, just so you guys feel like you didn't miss anything. We need some time to fill, so however long the Super Bowl is. Welcome to your three-hour episode, everyone. Probably longer, because Hessa's reading it. It's a five-hour episode. Hessa reads

the Super Bowl by Hesse. Good evening. Our main action tonight features football, boxing, and skiing. He sees his beautiful wife in the crowd. I can't believe I'm here at the Super Bowl, he thinks to himself. Oh, my God. He says out loud, wow, it's time for me to score on the first return yes he shakes himself aware and says to himself hey focus johnny it's time to get into that end

zone you can't be thinking stuff like this while you're have the ball and you're running it then yeah let me describe to you where all the kansas city special teams defense was okay so um draymond granular that is not a real person's name draymond is he like from mars yeah he's 37 granular he was at seven two four feet So at second one of the game, he was at... Every second, I'm going to update you on every single player's position. Love that. Okay. And see, I was trying to find a play-by-play description of every play,

but I couldn't find it, so I'm having to make everything up, which is complicating things, because my brain isn't working. If I wasn't already going to commit suicide today, up, which is complicating things because my brain isn't working. If I wasn't already going to commit suicide today, this sports talk is definitely it. Yeah, it's going to throw us under the edge. Yeah, I also didn't even watch the Super Bowl. The fucking bitch. I didn't watch it.

We were in the street, bitch. We were at a parade. You were on the- Chuck was roller skating. Wait, not yesterday. That's a good one. I was in roller skating. No, I believe it was the Bacchus. Oh wait not yesterday good one. I wasn't rollers No, it was bought. I believe was bought the bucket Marcus when you got mad at us because we were on a bunch of frowns

Which was fair enough It wasn't just the frat boys been chose been in my group of friends. I was like I didn't Know where things are I didn't choose I'm not from here jock I don't know where things are okay so so um what had happened was is that I told them I was gonna come meet them on skates so I thought they would

choose somewhere that was like a little flat they chose to stand on top of giant cypress roots oh so I'm like like in one so I'm like trying to stand on top of the cypress roots on my roller skates i don't know how so i'm sorry probably i'm gonna say probably

archipelago they're like no italian i don't speak it okay okay okay so anyway every in between every float i would go and get on my skates and start spinning around in the middle of where the floats were. And the crowd would cheer. White Goat, fuck you. That was one of the best and only happy moments so far. You should have your own float, Jack. We should have our own float. How do we get a float?

We should have our own float. How do we get a float? It's only about $500,000 to kind of like get your spot in there. Okay, we make that in what, like two months? A month. Yeah, a month. Look, just imagine this. Every single person on that float has to pay $5,000 of crew dues at a minimum. There's probably...

Of crew dues? Crew to taste? Crew dues. Of like dues owed for being... Dues to the crews. Yes. Then,

on top of that, they have to spend $5,000 to $2,000 on... $500 to $2,000 on Mardi Gras beads. And then, on top of that okay they have to rent

the floor how expensive are mardi gras that's a lot of mardi gras you have to have enough for you to last the entire parade route okay how do they clean them up after is there one guy it's marty the bead guy he knows how to my grass um my name is marty grass i'm here to clean it's a three to four day process and it starts immediately after the last parade on marty graw day and like me and ben ended up stuck in traffic last night on the way home when we were just ready to die after filming for like a majillion hours in the French Quarter. Knowing my perspective on this is so much different. Give your perspective.

No, well, the thing is, like, we're going to have a special coming out that's like two hours of Mardi Gras. You know, I don't want to hit the Mardi Gras. See, I think you guys exhaust yourself. I don't know why you think it has to be two hours long. It feeds your light. There's other stuff. We'll be editing it down. We don't really know, but we've got a lot of Mardi Gras content coming at you guys.

I don't want to exhaust the audience. I want to say one last detail. It won't change what you see on the Mardi Gr mario i feel like we literally filmed like 20 hours worth of footage this entire week i feel like and me and ben have had some great moments this whole trip too but i also feel like i also feel like he's been holding me at gunpoint and i'm about to die at any moment from um marty girl likewise sister you've literally held me at knife point

multiple times meanwhile i've been showing you my knife point at one point as a joke and he got all freaked out do you use your fancy knife, Josh? I use the knife that my... I was like... I asked my roommates, hey, do you have a knife I can borrow? And they're like, oh yeah, we have this one. I'm like, motherfuckers, that's my knife. I'm like, that's my knife for protection.

I bought this from Walmart. They took it away from you. They were nervous. They knew Valentine's Day was coming up. They took it away from you. You know what? We actually don't have included in the coming short. Is a video of me committing suicide?

I don't know. No, don't say that. No. Don't say that. You've had enough. We've done enough filming. For the record, I did not ask Jock to kill himself on camera. If he does, for some reason some reason do that later that was not

one of my suggestions um if he leaves the suicide video hey y'all i just i've been working for 72 hours a day and ben keeps holding a gun up my butt and i just can't do it anymore he asked me to do one final shot for the movie and it was to shoot myself in the butt and i'm doing it right now has that you get all my beanie babies and then right after nothing for one second in the butt and I'm doing it right now. Hester, you get all my beanie babies. And then right after it, for one second in the video, you could see a reflection in the mirror of Ben holding a gun and laughing.

No, I don't think so. I think we'd see me crying and saying, I never said that. I never told you to shoot yourself up the ball with a gun, dog. I just peeped his name on this suicide hotline. Because they

hang up on me. We've covered that. They blocked you. What I was going to say is I've felt incredibly sad today, but the idea of sticking a gun up my ass actually sounds kind of

like hot and sexy hot maybe that's what you want to get over the Valentine's Day blues you know just once a year just shove a gun up your butt not loaded safety on just to feel something just take that 9mm

so I can feel something up my ass yeah but I was going to say something. Just take that 9mm so I can feel something up my ass. Yeah. But I was going to say something we aren't going to be able to cover, unfortunately, for the Mardi Gras movie that I think is really fun to talk about that I wanted to talk about was Queer Eye having to nix two episodes off their recent season in New Orleans because they kept getting carjacked. Oh, my God. They got carjacked twice and it's so fucking funny because it's because they they drive around these giant um like black like presidential fag mobiles yeah like across

and around like literally black in. In neighborhoods where you should not be driving that kind of car. Blackwater. They're driving around like, yes, yes. We hit up probably like four or five different people who worked on the set for it.

Like we tracked people down. Begging and they were all like, sorry, I don't know when the nda expires and i because yeah the nda i mean like i just want to know what horrible things they had to experience that they needed an nda for i feel like if you're yeah well i offered i offered to have it be done dateline style where we we pitch voice. They have a bag on their head. That's a lot of money on the line to trust us. JVN would take

massive shits in the trailer and we would have to hire teams of maids to clean it up. JVN would be like just drive into the worst neighborhood and dump all the shit from the trailer. The blonde-haired PA is really getting in my nerves. We send her to Treme with just drive into the worst neighborhood and dump all the shit from the trailer. The blonde

haired PA is really getting in my nerves. Will you send her to Treme with two SUVs, please? We need to get rid of her. But yeah, no, it didn't happen. There was one piece of I wouldn't trust us to mute someone with an NDA on the line either

with a breach of NDA. It did cross my mind that we were it's not my fault it did cross my mind that the reckoning would happen to us if we broke the queer eye NDA and not just like the reckoning legally like

JVN would like approach us in an alleyway with like a fucking metal rod and hit us in the shins Tanya Harding our ass JVN would approach us floating an alleyway with like a fucking metal rod and hit us in the shins floating tanya harding our ass jvn would approach us floating in the air like like a god and intersectional pride um leotard he just springboard floating in the air she's into trapping in the air like that cowboy bebop clown villain who just jumps and floats yeah do you watch you watch that yeah yeah but we didn't get any pas maybe maybe i don't want to go to pennsylvania oh wait personal

assistance them getting carjacks is just so fucking funny to me like what do you do with one of those cars even it's yeah you open it there's like dildos glitter like a bunch of a bunch of broccoli Rob in the back a bunch of tuna tartare every seat has a little puddle of lube from

that's why the nice from them fucking ass gross faggots I don't know if y'all noticed this on Queer Eye they don't show the ass all the time because it's always leaking boy butter wow that's so beautiful to think of Anthony's kitchen lesson is

how to make boy butter well no cause the guy in the the guy in like the guy who hijacked the cars would probably like look in the back and see all the jvn air dry cream and be like oh actually this is we hit the jackpot you know i think it hilariously i think it was like a group of like seven teenagers there's it's like that's that's who hijacks cars it's not like nicholas in Gone in 60 Seconds. It's like teenage 15 year olds who want to drive a car around.

I would love to whip that. Am I right to assume that JVN's makeup line is garbage and not really fine? Yeah, he tested on only cute

animals. He just tested on lemurs, chinchillas, sugar gliders. And they all got their faces burned off. It was like Catwoman. It was like Sharon Stoney Catwoman. All the ugly people that bought JVN's faceline had it reject their body. Only tested on sugar gliders. Well, I will say his air dry hair cream is actually really really good i've heard i've heard a couple good things about that actually that's yeah i knew i

i knew that one of the face models for the the makeup line and he said it was good you knew one of them yeah i jvn no okay uh i don't want to say his name, but it's just this guy that I hang out with. He's really hot and cool. He's really sweet. And he, you know, he was like, no, no, no. He was like, I know about what I know. He was like, I've heard, I've vaguely heard about y'all's opinions about JVN,

but I just try not to think about it. He doesn't really know y'all. He just knows me. But he knew what we said. I can't imagine a lot of the people who work with JVN can't imagine a lot of people who work with him love him. It's more just like they're doing it because

they get a big campaign or something. I mean... I would, though. Well, it sounds like for this guy he liked this guy is so beautiful think if he loved him he wouldn't be fucking jock this is a private or public episode by the way

I honestly do you want the video we did to be public or private well I forget what we say i don't know what's worse whatever we kissed oh by the way has a me and jock are uh me and jock are unveiling a new um a new situation development in our relationship on a special video episode wow which is that you can't we made out and made out wow and some other stuff and it's on video and some other stuff oh yeah oh yeah okay this has to be a free one then because i i feel like

that has to be the case that's gonna get no the kiss has to be paywall because people are gonna be paying in droves we're gonna get so many new subscribers oh these two new gay guys i want to watch them kiss each other so bad yeah it's why you didn't suggest a kiss yeah i was gonna say not because i wanted to because i wanted it was very painful i almost threw up after but i would do it again if we could uh do a full only fans cause okay it sounds like okay so you know i'm not obsessed with you i want i want money oh i want sounds like you're making it sounds like okay so you I want money I want money it sounds like you're begging for more

I think you should all kiss me now it's only fair I'm gay I'm gay I'm detransitioned you're very beautiful and I would kiss you if I didn't know you but um

there's a butt coming I would kiss you if I didn't know you but there's a butt coming there's a huge butt coming I would kiss you if I didn't know you oh I met someone it was like an Ariana Grande lyric yes I would kiss you if I didn't know you if John Ghost wrote for

Sky Vieira I would kiss you but i know you if we were alone together on valentine's day i would be something for you today so the plan today was to just you know sorry guys it's a pretty chill episode me and jock have been just hustling a little butts around yeah and I'm burned out too from doing nothing yeah

the thing about not working is I recorded an episode you actually get more burnout from not working because it's like muscle atrophy you know you don't know how to Hessa is so worn out from hanging up six different Ghana posters

on her wall yeah I have Ghana movie posters I want to say this the Selena poster surprised me the most but only because of you know they're releasing the lady who shot her

they're releasing oh that song the unreleased song that Selena made called the lady who shot her the lady who shot her no she's out on parole I love Selena you could pay $500

to stay one hour in the hotel room that Selena was last in in the parking lot where she was shot fuck did you do it wasn't it like isn't it like a shitty motel yeah it's like a roadside motel did you ever know that's that's like very no what would you do what would you do if you had one hour in the hotel room? I would be very scared of the ghost. I feel like she'd love you. I feel like she'd be such a nice ghost.

She died under really sad circumstances, so I have to imagine she's not happy. Well, I think she's probably going to make the best of it in the afterlife. I think her ghost is probably very sad about it. she seemed like well i think she's probably gonna make the best of it in the afterlife like i think her ghost is probably very sad about it corpus christi texas they have on the boardwalk next to the beach a little gazebo with a statue inside of selena leaning against a pole and i never knew she was and i honestly thought it was like i don't even want to say I don't want to disrespect her but I no I knew it

why doesn't the taco truck lady ever move in there ain't got no tacos she just stands there still what the hell happened to her cause I'm hungry I'm gonna be honest I'm gonna be honest I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna just say it. I'm going to be honest and I'm going to just say it, but I feel like

I've got... It was worse. Because I really did not know the context of Selena. I'm not Latino. I just moved to Corpus Christi without knowing anyone or anything. Latinx. For you it would be Latinx. No, it's Latino.

I saw the statue and the way she is is she's leaning look look look she's leaning against a pole with one one foot kind of raised and yeah she's foot rested

yeah contrapposto style I thought she was like the patron saint of like peer of peer hookers, but like Well, she's wearing I'm sorry, how old were you when you made this assumption

that there was a saint per horse? Specifically ones that hang out on piers? Yeah, the piers. No, I know, it's just how old were you were you a child okay that's really sweet

honestly I feel like she would think that's a very sweet story the statue is wearing like a open leather jacket with a bra and then like I mean again out of the context of not knowing Selena and like and not knowing that out of the context of not knowing selena i'm like and not knowing that this is a statue of a performer if you colorized and put this woman leaning against a pole in the middle of the night at the piers you would walk well she's she is there day round. She's there.

The statue doesn't clock out and go home. She's there during the day as well. Just because you were out there sucking dick at midnight doesn't mean this is the only time she was there. This is pre-me. Pre-me. This is... This is pre-me. I was sucking any dicks in Corpus Christi. And the only time I had... pre-me. I sucked any dicks in Corpus Christi.

And the only time I had... Jock on his deathbed. That's a Glenn Campbell song. I don't suck any dicks. I'm trying to think of the first time I ever sucked a dick, but I remember the first time I got head. No, I really don't, but I do remember the first time I got head. Yeah. No, I really don't. But I do remember the first time I got head

outside of the prom after party and he had braces and he obliterated my dick. It was horrible. That sounds so cool. Was he also drunk for the first time? It's such a dangerous time to get head in high school because so many people are getting drunk for the first time it's such a dangerous time to get headed high school because so many people are getting drunk for the first time like how how are there not more injuries that we hear about that no it's like a drunk uh gay high school not even gay

but like um girls too like drunk braces on but, but you know gay guys are going harder at it than girls are. Yeah, that's why I'm after girls. This is the prom after party in the middle of the Louisiana country. Surrounded by a swamp and we're off the side of a dock. And it was my first kiss with a guy. It was my first. Another peer. Did you pray to the patron saint

before you did i think i went to selena after maybe yeah or yes wait wait wait how did you find out who selena was it was around the same time because my prom date a girl had bought me a plane ticket to fly out to go to prom and then i and then i ended up leaving freshman year by a senior and then i ended up leaving her at the prom for uh a guy who that was like my first boyfriend whose name i wish I could say his name because it sounds made up but well it's a this this to remind you will be a paywall episode so no this is a free one this is a free one

this is a free one no the free one this week will be me and Jock kiss oh my god no because that's stupid yeah the free one yeah sorry Mardi Gras drinking has really gotten to me I almost i almost bought a bottle of ever clear yesterday and i almost drank it but and then i and then i was waiting to put it uh pour it out later in the day for footage not because i wanted to drink it later like i like was like i'm not

gonna drink it it was you know whatever then it spilled all over my suede Telfar. And that's another reason why I'm jumping off of the note. A Telfar getting sent to you is kind of like, you know, it's, it's like the worst, you know, it's like a prisoner getting sent to like the worst prison.

It's like an army recruit getting sent to Fort Bragg. You know, it's like in high school. If when you're doing those parental classes they give you a fake baby they um give you a real baby and you're one of those girls who's the only thing they've ever watched in their real life is a real baby so she pulled my condom i i reject i reject i that's what it's like i reject that. I reject that. Yes, okay. Just because I use my Telfars all the time like they should be and I treasure them. I also spend meticulous amounts of time trying to clean them. I send them off. I'm sending off.

Well, vodka doesn't. Vodka is basically. Alcohol is bad for suede yes wait it's I see it was already stained from TSA though so I have to send it off anyway

and and again again let's I'm just I'm just well it's not even also I've never seen Selena and I don't know anything about her I just bought the poster I'm just, I'm pretty around. It's not even... Also, I've never seen Selena and I don't know anything about her. I just bought the poster

because it's the catchphrase on it. Yeah, what's the catchphrase? The catchphrase on it that the guy made up for the movie, which he has not seen because the poster seems to imply that Selena is like a movie about a runaway couple who goes on a crime spree

um the catchphrase on it is anything for the selenas which is uh oh i've heard that's a yeah that's a meme i i want to read it yeah i've heard that repeated a lot i want to respect the fallen latina icon, Selena, and her. When did you realize she wasn't a hooker? Okay, now this is even more fucked up, but when I saw the tropes of older Latino women literally sobbing at her statue memorial. You're like, damn, there's a lot of i was like damn i was like damn they're crying

for this fucking hot statue the statue was hot to me okay so i'm sure the actual quote is anything for selena's but the poster says anything for the selena's which i think yeah yeah yeah makes it so much funnier just like it's not like a like an army like a is like a faction in a some kind of war no literally like the sandinistas yeah that should be the episode name anything for the selena's the selene the selena east does yeah the selenainaistas. The Salinaista government of El Salvador has killed 300 Salinaistas today in El Salvador. Every time I say something on this

podcast, I feel like I'm walking closer into the flaming pits of hell. It does sometimes kind of feel like walking the plank, but whatever. Who cares? Who cares? We're walking the plank into the sea of slay okay the sea of gold because guess what bitches we don't which one you want to know yeah no not me yeah that's what i thought but i would like to be a movie or a tv star i would glad

but i would like to be a movie or a TV star, I would... But I would like to be an incredibly famous anime. I would love to be on CNN or Fox News. I would love... I would like a trust fund. What would you... Hey, what would you say, Jock, if you were on CNN? Good morning, I'm Jock Gonsolin, and I'm here to deliver important news.

Ben and Hessa stink so badly. They are the MC Suckers of the Week, and I am president of the world. Yet again. Yes, again. You know what? I think the lady— So you would declare yourself president of the world? It would definitely work.

If it's on TV, it has to be true. If it's on TV, it has to be true, Ben it's on TV, it has to be true, Ben. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, Jock, you might be onto something. I just think no one's tried that yet. And that's why

it hasn't worked. I'm sure someone's tried it on public access TV. But it's got to be cable or global. I'm not pro-Trump. If he had probably just joined CNN

and claimed that he was president again, they probably wouldn't have said anything. Did you guys see that video of trump have having that dancing in front of the i literally thought that was ai when i saw it because like this is too fucking funny i thought it was like it's literally a clip from like an adam curtis movie it's like a hyper normalization it's insane it's fucking great that he's in like he's in what is clearly like a very beautiful part of the country but it's lit so ominously like why the fuck are they in this why the fuck

are they in like it's like a scene from the dark knight or something no it's the lighting is so fucking ominous and these girls are like honestly doing the trashiest pom-pom dancing i've seen i don't know what's happened to pom-pom dance cheerleading and they're like covid distance apart if they're like six feet apart from each other and like there's a weird grid it's like very it was so fucking weird and no they're literally like it was it was suggested suggestive dancing for the it looks like it looks like they're in the Elysian fields it looks like they're in like Arcadia or like the Garden of Eden

it's like dumb but it's pitch black Elysian fields is like this huge area road in New Orleans so when you say that when you say that I don't think you're talking about part of New Orleans oh so you do know what the jock lives that life

but you know what the elise vaguely i i i look he knows we are in new orleans look look i mean i only vaguely know what they are too much from college honestly uh like i could have learned a lot more but uh dishonestly i learned a ton but thank you for being honest about that one of the classes that i learned the most from was taking a mythology literature class it was incredible a world mythology oh yeah what do you remember from that um what do you remember from that job i just i just remembered really enjoying it i thought that I was learning so much and I think I really do love I've always loved mythology

you do read like as a mythology kid to me Jacques I also was one and I also love mythology especially I used to be so into Egypt I had that book called like Egyptology I'm about to admit something very embarrassing but

i feel like it's it's definitely okay or just worth explaining because i've always been so fascinated by the icon iconography of egypt and also like i've truly always been interested in the spirit some of the spiritual aspects of it i don't want to like get into the like literal details to sound like a nerd yeah me too the coin under the tongue but the mummifying they weigh your heart and if it's evil against a feather the reason the reason i got yeah the reason i got this drawing uh an Ankh and two pyramids with wings. And I know that it looks kind of corny, but it's like, I don't know. I truly just have a deeper spark for Egyptian culture, and it's always fascinated me.

And if I sound like a little faggy history idiot or like... Your animosity towards liking history is very strange to me yeah I think it's cool I also wait what do you think of people who like history Jock do you think they all no I mean I just like

I don't want y'all like I know y'all like me because I'm dumb sometimes. And I want, no. No, no, no. That's not true. You're being so emo today. I know the only reason y'all like me is because I'm stupid. Like, no, no, no.

Come on. Don't be ridiculous. That's one of the reasons why I like you. But you're also a very smart person. I hate Valentine's Day it is my least favorite holiday as soon as I woke up as soon as I woke up

we both love you and it made me I literally threw up my bing into a trash bag I held my face I saw can I tell Hessa my advantage on this also

also I put my face between the pillow like this and just went ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh stop oh my god

Jesus Chuck don't do I was more muffled. Jesus. Chuck, don't do it again. Don't do it again. Forgot to put the mic on the other side of the pillow. For the people listening at home, Chuck just held the mic between his mouth and the pillow and screamed. I was... I was...

Oh, Max will be able to see that sound wave. I was sobbing and screaming into the pillow after seeing that. And then also, the bing, it was too fast. I tried to smoke a cigarette outside in my new pink sunglasses, and I just ran upstairs. I wanted to throw up, but my roommate was blasting some kind of pop i think i heard caroline polichak coming from the bathroom and i'm like fucking caroline polichak in my way so hot you're hurting my feelings because i can't throw up in my own bathroom i just like

exactly this day is relentless like do you know how long it lasts like we start well it ends it ends kind of more than seven hours 3 p.m we have yeah that's true nine nine more hours than seven hours actually nine hours yes i'm gonna have to after me and ben are gonna do some something special some recording stuff later. But I have to spend the entirety of the rest of the day that I can trying to calm my... We can record tomorrow. I told you, we can record tomorrow.

If this day is... Just make a decision. I just need to know because I have other work I have to get done. Fine, you just do it tomorrow then. That's it. Alright. Ben, you just do it tomorrow then. That's it. And I'll just... All right. Ben, tell me your perspective on the puking. The Roshamon. Oh, Josh just ran out of his room with a garbage,

a white recycling garbage bag full of red liquid and threw it out in the front yard. And me and his roommate were like, do you think that was blood? And I was like, no, it was too artificial red. Oh, no. Yeah, I was too artificial red. Oh, no. Yeah, I was pretty fucked up. Oh, poor Sean.

Then we were both like, oh, it's Valentine's Day. It was like, that was the moment I realized it was Valentine's Day, Doug. I think the only impact my health is taking from Mardi Gras is the not sleeping. Not featured in the movie. Not featured in our upcoming recordings. I stayed up from, i left my house at 10 p.m yeah no i put a gopro on you that night i don't know if you realized i put a little spy cam on you i was i was up i left my house at 10 p.m i went to a warehouse to go oversee my seamstress's new production of my new collection and

i went to i went to an industrial warehouse in the middle of the night in the ninth ward to go uh go oversee the production of of of my new collection by my seamstress in her studio and have a business meeting oh my god jock you're so you're so trying to be people don't understand i just turned in a mix to mexico city for a performance art piece that just played while i was in mardi gras and it was a truck bed of an old Ford hand-painted with a bunch of mermaids in the back of it swimming. And then there were a bunch of gay men in cowboy outfits that were half-naked or shirtless with tribal tattoos dancing. And where was this? This was in Mexico City? Of course, I had no artistic direction behind this besides the mix itself.

But the theme was Americana and I delivered I slayed that shit. Dolphins? There was no dolphins but I don't really I feel like it was like the perspective of Americana culture

through the eyes of elite gay Mexico City culture socialites and I'm like what how anyway look okay there's probably some really quickly though

I leave the industrial warehouse where we have to unlock and lock a giant chain link fence with barbed wire on the top and then drive a car through the industrial park to get to the studio i leave there i go to a bar at midnight hassa i did not come home the next day till 2 30 and i didn't go bed till 2 50 p.m okay okay sorry should we get to some call we should do some let's do some calls yeah let's do some calls i think we should do some calls um

how's your collection looking though first shot collection collection looking oh my new sorry sorry it's looking good it's it's what it's every piece is being hand sewn on top of uh like i'm recycling clothing in an interesting way where i'm i'm patching out my designs on fine cotton that jilly printed shout out to jilly uh and it's i'm treating it like my couture patch collection. If that makes sense. Amazing. Cute. Yeah, I get it. I've seen them.

They look really cute. Keep an eye out. Keep an eye out. No promises, but I might be performing with some very hot, fun people on stage in Los Angeles in March. So save your money and don't have any plans

for all of March if you live in March. So save your money and don't have any plans for all of March if you live in LA. Save your money, buy canned food, and I'll see you in LA. Eat dog food for a year. Okay, let's do some calls. It's Valentine's Day. I feel like we're bound to have

some relationship questions. We're bound to have some love relationship questions in here how do i suck how do i suck off my friend why is my friend mad at me for trying to suck them off etc you know some classic calls is it illegal to suck off your friend when they're mad at you for doing it the first time yeah that kind of vibe how do i defend myself in court for sucking off my friend we'll see if we have to deliver love advice or psychological advice because no telling it's i'm yeah i'm in jail for sucking off my friend twice and now i'm

known in jail as the guy who sucks people off i mean i can't get away from that reputation it's causing me jock would you like to give your disclaimer about your moods today and how it may affect your advice because i know you wanted to say something to that effect you can hear a warning being yeah background kind of yeah literally the ominous chant of the death bird alerting y'all to my dastardly mood so so like this is how i feel about valentine's day um it's always been bad for me i have been broken up on valentine's day three separate times um the the last time i gave a really intense sweet valentine's day gift uh the ex um knocked it over and broke it and then didn't care and left it on

the floor and then he he broke his ip, and the iPhone started making him cry, even though my hand made gift. And I was like, I'll buy you a new iPhone. And he was like, you don't understand. And I hate Valentine's Day, and I'm tired of love. What was your handmade gift? It was a two foot by a foot long collage with a bunch of pictures from over the years of us dating

intertwined with like romantic images. And it was meant to, he didn't even care about it. He looked at it and he was like, okay, whatever. And he was so disappointed that that's what I got for him. And he left it at the bar and it fell over and shattered and when uh then he was outside of the bar smoking a cigarette

and then he dropped his iphone his new iphone that he had gotten a few days ago and he was sobbing about that and he didn't even notice and so i brought the present home fixed it re-put it back together and uh and then i said here you go i just thought you might want it and he said i'm sorry i just don't really like it um this is someone i dated for three years and i ended up i ended up i ended up putting it next to the trash and i posted online i was like if even the trash even the trash guy left a note one of my mutual friends came and got it and I think I patched over some of the

more romantic personal images with just something to kind of camouflage it and I never looked back and look just another reason why this is why I'm getting

a little serious. I know we're not allowed to get serious on seeking, but I'm bitter. I'm very bitter about Valentine's. My one true love has died. Everyone who I've loved in the last few years has broken my heart. I am lonely as fuck. I have, like, I'm sorry. No, I'm i have like i'm sorry no i'm just here i'm serious i'm serious i like am very lonely and like like i i have a positive attitude and i try to

keep myself busy with my my enterprises and y'all and everything but i'm very lonely and i feel heartbroken all the time and valentine's day is just like a god pouring a bucket of blood at prom on me uh and and to point out okay god is a mean girl and i feel like the universe has chosen all of the pain it could deliver in one day today to me sorry okay okay well let's answer some let's answer some relationship questions with that your life is fine you have a lot of people who love you all right let's listen to this you have you do have maybe some expertise now i know i know my friends and family love me yeah let's just let's listen to the freaking call. I'm going to play it. Okay. My friend and I are... Hello. My friend and I are both

dating two beautiful non-binary people with BPD, and we want... We love them so much. We love them. And we want Jacques to bless our beautiful system for Valentine's Day with his

magic. And speaking of jock uh my friend please the white moron has been banned from he's been he's been blocked from the scene for something that he said yeah and we love you i said something cool. I said that Jacques lives in deplorable condition, which I don't believe to be true. And I'm asking you, please, free at the white moron. Free me. Free me from my prison. My friend, we both look up to you so much. And my friend is just like you, Jacques.

I want to be as beautiful as you, Jacques. I wish I could wear outfits like you wear. I love your yellow outfit. You look like a beautiful banana. Like the one that Lizzo made one of her dances for her pussy. Anyway, yeah. Anyway, we love you and we want to say happy Valentine's

Day and please unblock my friend. It's so unfair. That was really sweet. I'm not gonna say anything I'm gonna I'm very sad but they brought a tear to my eye well I've been sobbing already this morning

but that's so sweet of y'all I'll unblock you I really appreciate it thank you that's so sweet can you bless can you bless the relationships they have with these two beautiful non-binary partners with a forever love that will last as long as love can love inside of them deep amen that's so beautiful. Amen.

I mean, that will mean a lot today. And they asked for it before Valentine's Day. And, you know, it might even be better than getting it on the day of because I feel like it'll be even more powerful. I wish that you guys have a good Valentine's Day and that there's no issues with your BPD partners. They seem fun. Jock, by the way, I did unblock that guy on Twitter. Okay, good. He tweeted at us and said, would you please unblock me? Jock, by the way, I did unblock that guy on Twitter the other day. Okay, good. Let's do it.

He tweeted at us and said, would you please unblock me, Jock? Okay, just a quick explanation. I don't know what he said. He said something about, I believe, the word deplorable was used. You're probably in a mood okay i will say that mostly 90 75 to 90 percent of the seeking derangements fans are incredibly nice to me and never say anything wrong and i love you all um and then there's like a few no no no there's a few there's a few of y'all who make a comment that i think you're trying to be funny and pull a fast one and you want to and you you think that um you can you

can just say whatever you want to me and we haven't met yet and bitch when i read your comment and it even comes off an inkling of disparaging against me i i am adding you to a list a long long list so please so come correct but also i bless the non-binary people relationship lovers and thank y'all for being very sweet it actually made me cry but also in fairness i've been crying all morning oh okay yeah let's take another call listeners someone listening is like someone get i'm having this like slightly like work issue so we're with like all straight people very boring and i'm the gay personality hire i'm slightly mean to them they love it right so i'm out at

the bar with them we're getting a little happy hour, and the conversation gets kind of boring. I was just not having fun. So I was like, oh my gosh, do you guys want to see this website? And I pull up Sniffies, and I get a load of this shit. Oh, no. It's just a map of cocks. Oh, no. They love it.

They go nuts. It turns the night around. We're having so much fun, and it wasn't boring anymore. Well, the next few times you go out there's something a little too comfy with me right and finally like call me so if you show your co-workers yeah you shouldn't show straight people anywhere from if you show your co-workers anywhere from i would say 20 to 700 um' cocks on your phone. You can't say that.

Them joking with you is like a little too comfy. Well, wait. Let's hear the rest of the call. Let's hear the rest of the call. Become addicted to cock. Would that seem? Yes. Exactly.

I feel like that might be what happens. Let's listen to the rest of the call. Let's listen to the rest of the call. Huge, huge liability. This is this time of them being at the bar and screaming from across the bar going, what's that website that gave you? They're just like on top of Cox at me. And it just felt like it was just like a step away

from them calling me like a little faggot or something. I don't know, like, where do I go from here? Like, do I just like fully pull back from them? Like, I don't know. Should I be meaner to them? Like, I don't know if that would help. Like, you know, I laughed at somebody for having that peanut allergy last week. So, like, I just like don't know if I can be much meaner to them.

Well, you know, let me know what you think. Okay. Well, it sounds like you've realized the error of your ways you've realized the error of your ways which that's why you don't show sniffies to straight people because then they're going to start showing it to other straight people

and it's going to become like you've characterized yourself to them you know if you want to play up the gay horny angle with straight people it can be a smart move because there's some upper hand you can have to just flatten yourself to a two-dimensional gay, horny, straight people. It can work. you either start to keep you've got to keep playing that game and if you want to maintain respect from them you have to switch from horny gay guy to mean

gay bitch so they don't if you want to be a if you want to be a a gay employee among your straight employees that's respected you need to adapt to their culture and you shouldn't expect for them to adapt to yours

um i'm not getting nice wow it's definitely once again playing the devil on the shoulder one angle on it you should never even come out of the closet don't you love the office let me let me get some advice to six one ten you got to Mr. Sejuan 10, you got to... Good God. You can't... Do we have to... Let me write down the name. You don't even understand what that means.

You don't even understand what that means. Do you think I did? Just don't even play around with that. I just gave him a name, Mr. Sejuan 10. I don't know what he... Okay, nice. that's good so look i don't think you should care what your employees think or your co-workers think about you because if you start caring about what your co-workers uh you know think of you you might go bald you might

get gonorrhea the same month of mardi gras you might uh you might you might you might get gonorrhea the same month of mardi gras you might uh you might you might you might get disinvited from a ball because you were crying too much before you know don't don't let your don't let your gay life ruin your straight ability okay i think that's well and also it might seem hypocritical for me to say don't show your straight friends or co-workers sniffies because i bring it up on the podcast all the time i mean even though you beg me not to i I played a script. But I feel like this podcast, the listenership is a safe, a safe, a safe. I don't know how safe it is because I put this one asshole up on the projector at one of the live shows of a screenshot from Sniffies. Because the hole looked like a black hole. You put a stranger's asshole on a television screen yeah but i mean it's unrecognizable

to any any anyone no the the asshole beholder look if it was a normal looking asshole by all means it would be fine but the asshole looks so good i think i think if you're putting everyone property what if everyone at the live show had an asshole that looked exactly as weird in the same way and they saw it the audience that must be mine everyone was like oh my god

that was exactly like my dad's asshole the audience my dad the audience gasped and erupted in laughter because it looked like such a deep gape and it had you could not see the inside it was just black like a

literal black hole it looked like if you dropped a penny down it you might have to wait a few minutes to hear the hit the bottom I mean when I said it at the show when I said it at the show everyone knew exactly what I was fucking talking about. And it honestly was not even like me showing a whole pic.

It was me showing a piece of a medical marvel. If I was a doctor, my colleagues would all shake their head and say, interesting. Yeah. But when you're- It's the 2020 20 equivalent of uh carting around an albino guy in a cage yeah when you're showing anything to boring straight people that's like a bit of like gay or like queer culture you have to you have to be prepared for them to not only talk about it all the time to not only you but everyone they know but for them to talk about

it in the wrong uh in a wrong and off-putting way because they don't really understand it and they yeah so um and it seems like it sounds like you've learned this and i think the best course faction is yeah just to be um meaner to them i do think you were right to make fun of the peanut allergy person um if you're an adult with a peanut allergy is so embarrassing like that fucking lose that i would i would i'm not even kidding i i would never mention it i would be a closet look i would be a closeted you would die on purpose yeah i mean i would probably die because i wouldn't tell anyone about it and because it'd be too ashamed and i would definitely get a peanut slip to me but there's no way i could share that information like at a restaurant you're there with like eight other

adults and you have to tell the waitress like if i have a single nut, I'm going to fucking die. Oh, the problem. If I have one nut, I'm going to die. That's so humiliating. Probably the minute he announced it, the entire team went, oh, this bitch can't even go to Chick-fil-A. Well, it sounds like just the gay guy said that. Yeah. the uh gay guy said that yeah i have a theory about peanut allergies and i think it's because um it's due to npr radio wave exposure in utero too many of them have and too many of them come from terry gross waves with terry gross yeah you get hit You get hit with welcome to fresh air. My name is Terry Gross.

You're coming out with a peanut allergy. You're coming out with a gluten allergy. That actually tracks. It's been my theory for years. You hear that Ira Glass voice and you know he got a food allergy. Maybe not a nut one.

Yeah. Absolutely, a nut one. Yeah. Absolutely, dude. Absolutely. No, for sure. I actually had a pistachio before the meeting not knowing that it was going to trigger my... You know he has a card that he has to give. You know he has a bracelet.

Okay, let me try one more time. Hello, this is Ira Glass. I accidentally ate a banana today. A smoothie in my banana was causing me to have a lisp. It's kind of due to the allergies. I don't know if he has a lisp. His throat is swollen from eating a banana. Oh, I see. That's really good, actually.

Okay. Ira Glass with a lisp because he ate a pistachio is a really good game. Call the number on my break line. One good game. Call the number on my bracelet. One more time. Call the number on my bracelet. Wait, wait, wait. One more time. There's an EpiPen in my bag.

There's an EpiPen in my satchel. Today on This American Life, we cover the life of gay Mardi Gras goers, bin morons, and consulants, local thespians who are here to show the people of Mario Kart what they're really about tonight on This American Life. I could have done it better, but y'all, that was...

It sounded like you said cis-American life at first, which is so good. Cis-American life. Cis-American life. Do you think Ira Glass gets fucked? Yeah. No.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get, I don't mean to sound crazy, but I'm going to guess he's got an Asian wife. Whoa! Ira Glass, no. Okay, that does track.

But, um... I'm going to say peanut allergy, gluten intolerance, Asian wife. No, he's not gay. I think satchel carries around a satchel or a messenger bag.

I also think... No, but there's the famous interview with him where he says, like, yeah, I've never really had any friends, but I just don't need them or want them. And it's like, what, dude? That is such a lie. That's literally just, like, trying to be quirky.

My favorite episode of this american life is when the entire office got um testosterone they got their testosterone levels checked it's really fucking funny wait really what's i don't know why i don't off the low i i'm not even kidding i think the highest team member is a uh lesbian woman who's like a producer. I'm not even joking. I think they do it because it's some kind of like, oh, what a creative wrinkle in the story if we get the test. Wait, wait, wait.

It's a level test. And everyone expects us to have low tea. We all have high tea. It would really turn the narrative on its head. And then they get tested and it's like, you all are growing breasts as we speak i think i think the twist is that it's even worse than you expect and that one of the jewish literally lesbian producers is like yeah so uh i mean i've got the highest it's really funny questions for seeking derangements can we afford to get this um testosterone test as well as an

estrogen as as yeah we could take i take one every three weeks i take i i i like literally take one every three weeks but no can we do testosterone and estrogen test to see how much our comp our composition yeah i mean they test both at the same time i can look and see how much it'll cost yeah it's like 80 bucks without insurance okay okay yeah let's do it then okay let's let's read our hormone levels i i will get really i'm i'll like stab myself in the thigh before I do it. So my levels will be super jacked. I don't know if that's how it works. Like you think it works like a polygraph test where if it's like if you're in pain.

Exactly. My body will be oozing with testosterone, shooting myself in the foot. So I get a perfect 100 when i was when i was in freshman year of college or high school at corpus christi i would try eating 10 to 30 uh 10 to 30 000 milligrams of vitamin c every day because i heard if you eat that high levels of vitamin c that it stimulates your estrogen to produce more but maybe that was like just something that i heard and it wasn't true i think your body can only absorb a certain amount of vitamin c per day and i tried to do it but also estrogen but also you could just also try taking saint john's wort around this time and that

shit is like the devil's crack for me it does not it makes if y'all thought i was ever crazy or manic or like borderline that shit is like borderline nightmare juice if you have borderline i'm telling or you're bipolar don't take saint john'st. It will fuck your world up. You know, I've been dosing you with I've been dosing you with Adderall, Jock. I noticed that. Well, I did. Time for me to come clean. That piece of pepperoni I wake you up with every morning

has had five milligrams of Adderall folded into it. I was wondering why it tasted so sweet. Yeah. That's why we shot you know hours um i i can actually pull up my testosterone levels right now if i well let's no let's have a grand reveal when we're all together okay okay okay well does it then it'll be we maybe listeners can take back do you also get estrogen levels tested? Okay.

Yeah. Yes. It's a whole like panel thing. I would love. Okay. And then, and then as follow up episode to that is that we all take some, besides Hessa,

me and Ben take some hormones. Or I take the other, I do testosterone injections. Hessa is actively taking hormones. Yeah. But you guys do it to see what happens. Well, we know what will happen. Yeah. Your estrogen will go up and your testosterone will go down. I'll finally look like 11 months on T.

Yes, you'll be Betty Boop. I'll finally progress past seven where I've been for the past 10 years. Guys, it only took seven years. I finally made it to 11 months on T. I kind of just realized Ben is very transpassing with the sharp features. Bitch, we've talked about this.

Your memory is... We've talked for a collective like 10 hours. A slice of Swiss cheese. Do y'all want to do one more call? And then can I show y'all the underwear I'm wearing? Because it's very provocative and it's Valentine's Day. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, let's do one call. You can show us the underwear. Do you want to show us the underwear now? No, no, no. Actually, let's save that for the end. We can end on that. We can end on a review of your underwear. Let's listen to this call.

Okay, I have to keep this quick anyway because I'm calling international because my parents stopped paying for my phone plan. Basically, what percentage, who amongst male bisexuals is allowed to say faggot from the on the spectrum

from you know your guys who mostly hook up with guys and but still hook up with girls a little bit to you know your your gold star bisexuals all the way to the guys who uh are never going to date or kiss a boy but still jerks off to gay porn where do you draw the line? Who's allowed to say it? Who's not? I'm going to keep going regardless There we go

I think everyone can say it but depending on what my vibe is of you I might think less of you I gave permission to the veteran to say faggot recently and then his wife saw me on Mardi Gras and she walked

up and she said oh I heard that you told my husband that he could say faggot I don't know if that's a good idea but uh because he's been calling it to everyone. Also, it's like a point system, if you can imagine. 100 points being the amount of points you need

to be able to say faggot. You could add... I mean, I think you can tell who's allowed to say it and who's not. It literally just depends on the vibe. Every time you suck a dick it literally every time every time you suck a dick is five points every time you've bottom is 30 points every time you've topped someone is is only 2.5 points now every time you've swallowed cum that's 30 points every time

you've 30 point okay so it's a i see the more points you have the more every time your google porn search has been more gay than straight you are allowed to say faggot yeah um that's a good one okay i i think that you can tell who's allowed to say it by how someone uses it because usually if someone says it and it's funny then it's they're allowed to they're allowed to use it but if they say it and it's like kind of skittish and like yeah if it's like skittish

or if there's like an anger like a non there's a confidence thing about it like a non gay a non like cunty anger unless it's a confidence thing about it. Yeah, like a non-gay, a non-cunty anger. Unless it's a gay guy saying it ironically, like he's about to punch him in the face. Because I faggot to jock all the time.

It's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, it depends on the person. And the context. It depends on the vibe. Sorry, this is a frat boy walking in front of me screaming. I don't think you guys can hear him though. Yeah, no, it depends on the context. It depends on the vibe sorry this is a frat boy walking in front of me screaming i don't think you guys can hear him though um yeah no it depends on the context it depends on the vibe um i want to i want to call this guy a faggot right now do it should i no he looks kind of

scary and then run inside and lock the door he's gone he's gone no i think it depends it depends on the vibe it depends on the person and honestly just depends on how you look um that being said i am fully i will defend anyone's you know right to say it i think it's ridiculous to say people tell people they can't say it it's not the n-word like gay guys love to pretend like there's some kind of parallel here that um like it's gay guys n-word which is such a weird and like kind of racist way of like viewing slurs straight guys kind of think of it that way too and it's kind of funny i'm not going to correct them because it's funny but straight guys aren't straight guys aren't the ones like um kind of correcting people yeah yeah and yelling at people it's gay guys being literally being like yeah only gay guys can tell

like no yeah that's so wrong no big some of them get mad at trans people for saying it yeah anyone can say it um will it make someone an asshole sure of course um but he said gold star bisexuals that's bisexuals bisexual's only hooked up with men and women. No, no, no. A gold star bisexual has never got them. I think we should do this. I don't know about... Well, whatever.

If that's how you feel about it, that might be true. I think we should call the police straight by men who've only had sex with cis straight women, I think we should call them purple heart bisexuals because they have the hardest lives out of anyone in the LGBTQ. That's so good.

That's so good. Purple heart bisexuals. Purple heart bisexuals for people who are in straight relationships. That's the episode name, actually. Purple heart bisexuals. Straight relationships because you do so much for our community. people who are in straight relationships actually purple heart bisexuals it's pretty straight relationships because you do so much for our community you've had the toughest life out of anyone yes you've saved us you've saved us from you know so many perilous um situations and we'd

be totally lost without you um and i just want to say that you should be given uh we salute you every time you eat out your girlfriend's pussy, you get a medal of honor. You get a purple heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a distinguished service cross. Yeah, yeah. You get an iron cross. One's been handling it now.

Iron cross bisexual. You get a knight's cross. Not since this guy went out of his way to risk his life from being murdered by his parents for making an international call can i suggest that at on the count of three that we tell this very sweet gentleman i give you bisexual the permission to say faggot. Okay, ready? Let me say it one more time. I give you, bisexual,

the permission to say faggot. Okay. I give you, bisexual, the permission to say faggot. Come on, we can really do it on you next maybe you just annoy him with this ready 1 2 3 and then we say it on go

1 2 3 I give you the power of sexual permission to say faggot you said it wrong Jacques you said it twice to make sure we all said the right thing. And you changed it.

He was doing this when we were out interviewing people in the quarter. He loved doing this bit where they all three scream things. No, it's not a bit. It's not a bit. It's you screaming things with

people. And oftentimes it was just seeking derangements. He's like, hey y'all often times it was just seeking derangements he's like hey y'all can we just scream seeking derangements in the mic on three and they would be like okay so a lot of footage of that you can make a super cut of that it'll be good for a super cut should we wrap up I have to go to the

we gotta okay okay just underwear reveal Close your eyes Close your eyes Swear to god don't peek Let me get it ready Okay Okay look now

Mike He's completely naked I've literally seen those I got them from an estate sale that I got my Houston Rockets 1994 it's Michael Angelo penis from the

David statue yeah yeah you almost said Michael David it's Larry David's penis from the Michael David statue alright guys take a screenshot thank you for listening today said Michael David. It's Larry David's penis from the Michael David statue. Alright, guys. Take a screenshot. Thank you for listening today. You can find...

I can't. I don't know how many times I have to tell you. Thank you, Hessa. I'm gonna do it. Wait, hang on. Guys, we have a free episode. We have a premium episode every week.

Maybe two this week. maybe two other weeks, but definitely always one on our Patreon, patreon.com slash Seeking Derangements. If you subscribe, you might be able to see me and Jock fuck on his bed, surrounded by a bunch of food. All right. Until next time. Bye, everyone. Bye. I was made to love you, girl

In every kind of way Be it night or be it day Look into my life You will see a lonely man Open up your heart Oh, give me a chance Ooh, I choose you. Ooh, I choose you.

Ooh, I choose you. Ooh, I choose you. Oh, I choose you. Preciously. One look at you and I hear wedding bells ring. Please be my wife. Please be my wife So you can share my life Into my life you came Just like the morning brings the gentle falling rain

Please be my wife