Seeking Derangements - SD 307 - Live, Laugh, Leer w/ Theda Hammel and John Early

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Theda and John stop by to talk about Hesse scaring her landlords with gay pornography, Ben's newfound love of leering in the park, the hottest sportsmen, the ugliest sportsmen, Caitlyn Clarke being cis, Ben's dad thinking he is a prostitute, fire island, red carpet menswear and of course Theda and Johns new movie Stress Positions. Go see it! Find weekly bonus episodes on our Patreon

love you tonight i'm gonna love you tonight i'm gonna love you tonight i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna love you today. You got me trying to, baby. And we're off. Welcome to Seeking Derangements, everyone. It's Ben.

I'm here with Hessa. We have two special guests with us today. John Early, Theda Hamill. Hi. Here to plug Stress Positions, Theda's new movie, which they both star in. Congrats. Oh, thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Do you like my sticker on my phone?

Oh my God, the Coco sticker. A little sticker for the movie. There's stickers if you come to the screenings. For your kids to play with. For their children. But that's, we have, we've agreed that we don't have to talk about it. We'll talk about it some. Okay. I feel like we should, right?

Ben was angry about something. I wasn't angry. I was not angry. This is a homophobic movie. How do you think I feel? Ben had a pair of glasses in his hands and when every few seconds I heard a glass crack

and I saw blood going down Ben's arm and he was just sitting there biting his tongue gay guys don't like to be celebrated on screen they hate that way more they will never the movie companies will never understand and then like I guess gay filmmakers also will never understand

like they guys don't like to be celebrated in fairness there is struggle with in marketing the movie of how they want to target the gay audience for the stickers. Give me a homophobic quote. It's urgently homophobic. Five stars.

It would mean a great deal for me. A scratch and sniff. Scratch and sniff stickers that smell like a butt. For the homophobic movie. It was homophobic, but I liked that part of it. You don't see gay losers enough. No.

Especially of that variety. We have to, as Billy Porter always says, it means so much to see ourselves up there. Yeah. To see themselves up there, sorry. That's how you really made it. To see oneself. My favorite part was, just a brief comment, whoever was laughing in the background of the

party scene, you could hear a beautiful laugh. We should say that this is in the movie. I did something not just homophobic but transphobic. Me and Amber and I had five trans women come and do loop group.

So like, no. For the twinks, for the gay twinks For the party, for the twinks, for the gay twinks in the party, they're all played by trans women. Nobody notices the difference. Was this completely off the radar? Yeah, yeah, we do.

People were very kind to come in. We had a bunch of trans come in and voice gay. Voice gay, like background gay. Literally silencing gay men's voices. Actually, silencing gay voices. The conversations they were having in the background when you recorded it.

They were too horrible. Does anyone have any prep? Can I have a sub-egrized coffee? Do you want to try mine? That's been wiped from the record. Brutally, coldly, mercilessly. The gay element

has been. I have a funny story that happened to me this morning. What happened this morning? To move it on from, because I'm sure you guys talked about

the movie so much. Do you get bored of talking about it? Not bored, but it must be the same conversation over and over again. It's not boring.

It's the worry of being boring about it. Sure. At this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, worry about being boring. But, you know, whatever. And there's always the hell of doing it with your friend and, like, having the same thing.

John has heard me say the same points. I don't care about it at all. Oh, she's whipping that joke out again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the thing is, really, actually, when you think about it... When you think about it, You're totally on autopilot. Is that a challenge?

Now that I'm thinking about it. It's deplorable. It's incredible. What was your segwaying? I wanted to talk about me instead. Absolutely. Okay. Shut the two gay men down again.

More trans topics. Yeah. This morning, I was woken up at like 9 or 10 a.m. I was going to say woke. It's interesting your choice of words. Yes, I was woke this morning. I was woke this morning at 10 a.m. by my landlord banging on my door.

And he was like... Classic movie situation, not to bring it back. He was like, I won't do a voice door and he was like classic movie situation not to bring it back he was like I won't do a voice but he was like we are in Chinatown he was like um excuse me there's a leak coming from your bathroom down into the

downstairs neighbor's bathroom and I was like okay you can go in and so like him and like three other guys came in and were like fixing this leak. Were they hot? No, they were old. But I realized as they were fixing it, I'm like, oh wait.

So you fucked them? They've got six foot two. But I realized I have this poster in my bathroom and I can hear them whispering and laughing and I'm like, this Ghanian Boogie Nights poster. And for the audience at home It looks like it was a giant penis.

It's just a huge cock. It's an illustrated Boogie Nights poster where you get an effect that you don't ever get in the movie. What were they whispering? Were they speaking Mandarin? They were speaking in Cantonese, I believe. I would have whipped out Google Translate so quick. Hold my phone against the door.

That's me and you. You're saying in Cantonese. That's me and you. Me and who? Me and who? Yeah. Me and who? Is everything all right with your bathroom?

Yeah, I think they fixed it. Okay. I hope they fixed it. These old buildings. I know. When the weather changes. You know what i'm talking about it's crazy i'm so happy the weather's finally changing i'm mad about it do you just not to literally talk about the weather do you do well in hot weather do you this my boyfriend is so happy after a miserable winter and i couldn't be more angry about it. I really hate the

transition. I like the rainy. I like when it's rainy. I like when it's rainy. Everybody is off the street. There's no ruckus. There's no frisky energy. There's no frisky sex energy. I want it to be like 100% humidity.

Barely clothed. On the street. This transphobia it's coming out again plain white I just feel like a cartoon character like the stickiness the like

yeah yeah and something about it is comforting I hate it with humidity it's like you just have to accept

I mean there's nothing you can do to really mediate that you know you have to stop thinking about what you wear

because you're just going to be sweaty immediately. You have to humble yourself to nature. And I've been going to the... I've been lurking and leering a lot at the park. Yeah, and we just got to all the time

and be like, I'm watching men play soccer in the park. Yeah, I go to the park and watch a bunch of guys play soccer and i'm like what could be better than this what could be better than this i get a little iced coffee i go and i watch men play soccer i went there the other day there were children and women and i was really mad about that just pointing what bring men back bring our men back bring back into sports please what happened to men's sports no more cis women in sports

you remember that Caitlin Clark lady what why is everyone talking about her what's going on I think she's just playing basketball I literally I genuinely thought that she was trans when my mom brought up

Caitlin Clark to me. Well, because they're talking about her I also did. Yeah, it's the first thing you think, but she's just normal. I was like,

listen, mom. Well, no, it actually is all of them. Let her play. Let her play, please. Not to bring up, not to scold you, but it's all of them

and it could be no other way. It's all of them. Do you know anything have do you know anything about this bevy the transvestigator friend so there's a no there's a woman who's on no data's been on for a couple of uh special apps on this whereas i have not schizophrenic she's a woman on twitter um named bevy i must be short for beverly which is crazy and it um she tweets about how all celebrities are secretly trans in either direction unless

they're actually trans like caitlyn jenner and then they're actually cis yeah which is really the beautiful twist the logical twist yeah she's still on the we forced Theta to watch maybe two and a half hours of slideshows it was a pleasure it was fun she's still out there the main point is that it's all of them and it could be no other way

it could be no other way we should show Vivi your movie she would love that movie oh my god that would be incredible it would spin right off her body if would love that movie oh my god that would be incredible right off her body if you saw that movie have you had a lot of her no no we don't have the glass uh although i have i have had people send me her home address people have done so yeah yeah yeah i've gotten whoa have you talked about that gay people are scary i'm like people are scary. I wouldn't read out her

address on air. No, no, no, but that's a huge fact that she's been identified. Doxed. She's been DOXED. Yeah. She lives in Portland? Oregon? Don't say this is a singer.

She lives in Portland. I know. But I'm like being someone who you know subscribes to this theory that everyone is secretly trans again Portland must be a hellish place to live

truly anyway yeah these queer centers breed transphobia they have the opposite effect of what they're doing that's exactly right Hunters breed transphobia. Yeah, absolutely. They have the opposite effect. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. We all have to go back into the closet.

That's what Billy Porter continually fails to understand. Did you all like my corset at the premiere? I didn't see your corset. I was kidding. I did a corset. I had a corset. And then I had I didn't see your corset. I was kidding. I was kidding. I was like, I wouldn't say it. I had a corset

and I had a blazer over the corset. It was kind of that celebration about the mask. And you came in with like a drape from a window in front of your face and you pulled a string and it came up and all of these twink dancers went around you and did like a little... And there was a moat around the brim of the hat.

That baby alligator swam around it Yeah, I mean you do have the opportunity to do the like gay guy on the red carpet like fucked up tuxedo thing, deconstructed tuxedo Half gown, half tuxedo Literally

Like an all gender bathroom Be the all gender bathroom sign person Yeah Literally They ran out of interesting all gender bathroom be the all gender bathroom sign person yeah go like half literally they they ran out of interesting things to do with men's clothes immediately like it's like they how they ran out of candies to make nougat chocolate okay peanut butter let's talk about candies for a minute because i've been on tiktok uh-huh there are these candy shops that have tiktoks and there

are these like oh you mean the candy making shops the scoop oh those ones where they chop candy the yeah yeah there's those but then there's also like the really big shops have like asmr things where they take the scoop and they scoop it in different like types of candy and then they rate from a tub yeah yeah from a big tub and they rate like the different like oh this is 10 out of 10 like perfect scoop yeah the sound so bad and like it's so bad what they're doing some of these candies are like it's like little chattering teeth but they're doing to our children. Some of these candies are like little chattering teeth but they're made of sugar. Who would want to eat that?

I feel like I got into a thing a few months ago where I was watching almost non-stop cut candy. Like Saltwater Taffy? No, Saltwater Taffy is like a slobs game. You just watch it on a big hook.

I love that. I love that. I love that. It's what you want. A lot of colors, a lot of flavors, whatever the fuck. But the cut candy thing is like the same process every time where

they cook it, they dye it on a cool slab and then they press it together so that when you stretch it, they dye it on a cool slab, and then they press it together so that when you stretch it, it would say, like, Ben in Little Black Letters. I love that. Click, click, click, click, click, click.

They chop it. Does it say John ever? No. Yeah. Once a year. They do it every name, a name per day every year. But it's,

I was like, I think that the whole appeal of this is the clickety clackety thing yeah no it's really the asr do you think it's making everyone like incredibly stupid the sound stimulation of the uh tiktok is making me so much stupid i fucking want to go one step further and say fucking asmr is gay as hell yeah it fucking has always been stupid yeah yeah do you know asmr yeah so like this whole thing was like the idea that you could because of streaming basically do something that's totally embarrassing for hours and hours and hours on end like of listening to somebody tickle and talk in a whisper i hate it i think it creates a really bad sensory standard yeah it's horrible like you

should actually ignore the little tinkly crinkly sounds of life yeah you should be an adult and listen to the human voice yeah you have full volume or you should ignore it like you know unless unless it's in like a 70s movie and it's like robert regford plugging a bunch of thingies into like no exceptions no but then you can watch it too cause you need to watch it no no no this isn't movie

mindset no so what did you guys think of Catherine Hutchins performance wait actually I want some more

gummy bears real quick go ahead that kind of fucking shit the thing is that this I won't go on I won't go on

I won't go on no doot i won't go on a tarot do it do it no because they used to have it they used to not be able to reproduce these high frequency tinkly crinkly sounds yeah they were just in the middle a nice fat ribbon of mids and that's what we needed in the world but then like every technology they went too far yeah they went too far and now there's no turning back AK video AK you can't even see AK but that's why that's what the

that's that is why the I don't know it's a hack at this point talk about the the gooning stuff it's hack stuff

about the goonies I've never been able to really even think about it because it's so disturbing to me I haven't been able to really

form a thought because I'm not willing to interrogate the concept of someone alone in their cave-like dwelling of a bedroom masturbating for 24 hours. Two things like this. The sound of...

I would just like to remind everyone who we're in the presence of right now so please... There's a big portion of you here today. Well, you know, we've been talking about Goon so much because they didn't name my character Terry Goon. And that was before the kind of phenomenon. Before Goon

swept the nation. We don't have to talk about the film. Sorry. I wasn't trying to bring it back. But I did. Now he's the homophobe. I don't even want to talk about people masturbating for 24 hours

and drooling down their front and doing horrible things. Do they build themselves? Is that also the point? That they upload that? I'm sure they can. I think it's a component. But I think it's more

they like to be the observers. Yeah. But this is what I keep saying also that the fact that anybody could gather together and talk about it means that it is over.

It's over. Do you think there's something new around the horizon that we probably don't even want to think about? It's going to get worse. It's definitely going to get worse.

Yeah. You know who I think was the ultimate gooner probably don't even want to think about. It's going to get worse. It's definitely going to get worse. Who I think was the ultimate gooner, probably, is in the Matrix, Reloaded, when they go into that room, and it's like Colonel Sanders and there's all the TVs. I bet he just watches everyone in the world jacking off at the same time.

He himself is also going to town. Interesting. You know, just yesterday, I signed up for a class action lawsuit against TikTok. You did? Really?

Because it ruined your son. I mean, it's... What is the class action? It's about TikTok selling data to companies they weren't allowed to sell data to. But there's also a component of it that

reflects... If, for example, you're a TikTok user or you have a child who's a TikTok user and they have become depressed or addicted to the phone or whatever it may be, you can get a settlement of up to $10,000.

So I signed it. I was like, I can't get out of bed. I can't talk to my friends. I don't know where my son is. We have to do like 10 episodes in a row where you're just like, I don't even care. What kind of proof do you have to submit?

So I filled out this quiz thing, and it's like, have you or your child experienced any of the following symptoms as a result of TikTok usage? Check all that apply. Addiction, compulsive use, anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, inability to work.

Check, check, check. And so we'll see what happens. But I hope that you'll get a big payout. I was trying to figure out if I could fabricate having a child, but that seemed a little... a little it's not totally i think you might be able to go to jail for that i think sure it's some kind of fraud i'm sure do you are you on it do you do it the reels or the tiktoks the shorts no i reels i just on instagram yeah i made one series of tiktoks that i'll send you later.

But I think you might actually like. You yourself, are you on them? Or are you pointing your camera out at the world? I found this very strange video. That was like. Stock. Electronic music. And it was called like.

Top 45. Because you and I have talked. In the past about how we're avid. You I, Theta, the listeners, I keep forgetting they can't see anything because they all looked at the eclipse but we have talked about how we're avid YouTube users and so I found this YouTube video one day

that was like top 45 cool new recipes to make with eggs and every once in a while there would just be like a horrifying one so i like just edited that i like cut it out and i put like silence that with like kind of like quiet droning music and yeah but i yeah i made a few of those but it's a vice also i'll show you after it's a vice i reels though, because there's so like developing nation, like. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a peep into the part of the third world of the developing world that does tip does reels. You're never saying it's not like you're on the ground and experiencing life. You're seeing five people do a stupid dance.

Yeah. They're dancing against a strange backdrop it's good to know they're all dancing out there they're so happy they love dancing it is a fucking very particular view onto the rest of the world people endangering themselves

actually I'm working on something that involves choreography right now and I literally almost found myself a few nights ago sending a video to a choreographer that was like in an African slum video the video oh yeah there was like incredible and I was about to write this and I was like don't like have you ever seen Coyoteote ugly not to be bringing up movies all the time oh yeah i've seen the amazing yeah the amazing part in coyote by the moonlight where

they're they're on the roof and they're practicing their dance or wherever they are practicing their dance and they look out the window and they see a black guy with a neo hat doing crazy dance moves and they're just copying him and that's the routine they use to win the competition is they're just copying a guy that has no idea they're doing this. They were doing it in plain sight. And it's like a joyful training montage. But it's like, this is very strange

that they're doing this. Are you guys good dancers? Yeah, I've seen you pop and lock. John's the dancer. I don't try not to stand up ever. But I would say that Theta is probably... doesn't know that she's a good dancer. Because you do have a very distinct

kind of physical vocabulary that is very present in the movie. I'm not trying to bring it back. I have a way about me. But I don't dance and I never dance for pleasure. I've never been, I've never found dancing to be pleasing at all. Do you dance?

Are you a dancer? It depends where. Yeah. It depends like. You have to be like turnt. I've got to be turnt. I've got to be turnt. That's,

that's a given. It's more, the times that in the city I do like dancing or i will dance is when i go to like jackson heights with a group of my friends who are all like you know crazy like dance women dancing dancers and we're just like dancing women yeah but like in little like latin clubs out there it's fun to dance but in like so what you're saying is it helps to have any cultural component at all yeah being in like bushwick and it's just like, you know.

That's why I feel the electronic estrogen in my bloodstream vibrates in tune. Yeah, yeah. But when it's, I can't really dance to like the beep boop of it all. It's not really dancing.

It's just there to just, you know, nod your head. No, dance. Kind of sway. You can dance. You have to be trans to dance. Otherwise you're just like those coyote ugly girls taking, extracting things

from the marginalized. It helps for it to be sexual. And I nod to this. Never mind. There's like a sexual component to Latin music and Latin dance

yeah that is not present in like it's true it's absolutely true they're trying to keep this from us they're trying to conceal this from the narrative that's my problem with like dancing in bars and stuff

do you dance on like clubs and stuff you more dance for performance. Right. I mean, every once in a while I find myself dancing spontaneously and not for money. But I like... For money is a different matter.

I'll do it for money. My problem is that my love of dancing came from bar mitzvahs. Sure. When it was like completely not sexual and it was just like me and my girlfriend. Yeah. And I still really value that like kind of non-sexual just like physical.

For sure. I know with the girls. Yeah, with the girls. And then when suddenly I realized that there is like that someone else kind of enters the picture and is like. Yeah. I'm like yeah I'm like I'm so scandalized I'm like fuck you get your hands off me

I want to do it between me and my girls only I would like to learn how to dance for sexual reasons it's so much worse to dance for sexual reasons I think it's much worse to dance for sexual reasons. I think that dancing, the real problem is never what to do with your hands or what to do with

your lower body. It's what to do with your face. And when your face has sex on it... It's the head to the toes. What do you do with just everything? The face is a huge part of what you... Do you smile? Or are you really serious?

Like grunting? I'm usually crying, sobbing. Look at my feet. Are you blank? Are you totally ballerina blank in the face? I go in between this kind of like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a secretary face. And then I'll go John drop it

and I go blank for a little bit and then I get embarrassed and I go back in all honesty I probably am like yeah I would probably kill myself if someone sent me a video of me dancing oh god

I've seen the most embarrassing videos of me dancing and I'm like, fine, what are you going to do with it? I was having fun. We can't waste time. We tell our girls to be small. We tell them not to look at videos of themselves dancing. We tell them to shrink themselves.

I didn't get the quote. We teach them how to be small. We teach them how to curl up under a table in case the homeowner comes home you know my dad called me this morning like Hessa I had a terrible morning

my dad called me and he does many times over the years he's asked me just point blank what are you doing for work do you have a job Like he does many times over the years. He's asked me just point blank, like, what are you doing for work? Like, do you have a job?

Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's intimated several times that he thinks I'm either a hooker or a drug dealer. Oh, sure. Yeah. And I've told him many times,

I'm like, I am a podcaster. And he's just like, what's a podcast? And I'm just like, it's like radio, but he still doesn't understand this. And so now I've just, I'm just letting him think that I'm like a hook it's like radio, but he still doesn't understand this. And so now I've just,

I'm just letting him think that I'm like a hooker. Because it is more some way like, I don't know. It's, there's more dignity in that than being a podcaster. I can tell his friends, my son is getting so much tail. You know?

My gay son is, my gay son is getting dicked down. He's fulfilling his destiny. The gay son is my gay son is getting dicked down he's fulfilling his destiny the gay son in New York is a gay hooker he has one other friend with a gay son I bet how much how much dick does your son get

oh interesting my son gets a lot but I was just like I don't know podcaster is another thing that should never have been allowed to be instantiated as a word. It really sucks. Because it's so iPod. iPod.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And those don't even exist. I've switched to broadcaster. I think broadcaster is always. Broadcaster is a lot better. I think it's totally legit. Yeah. We're literally doing that.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Casting it. Yeah, maybe I'll tell my dad i'm a professional broadcaster there you go with who with what but no you're still independently i'm sucking dick for 20 dollars it's clear it's actually something he could understand it's clear and he doesn't have to be embarrassed for you yeah the way that any parent is About their child When they're a podcaster Until he finds out I'm spending half my day

Leering in the park I am a beach dog I'm a peeper I'm a leerer Summer trends are lurking Leering It's so funny because he sends me pictures too, but the pictures aren't of

the guys playing soccer. It's of the other leerers. There's like three or four others. The gang's all here again today. Do you introduce yourself and be like, hey, which one are you leering at? Trade notes.

I was hoping maybe they thought that I just love the game. I'm just a sportsman just like them. You have the hair for it. I grew up playing soccer. The only sport I played, I mean, of course I grew up

playing soccer. I'm spending my days watching men. There's clearly psychology happening there. I was okay on it i like i dropped out of it in like early high school because i started smoking pot i was just like good time and it was gay and i was like this is this is too much for i'm too horny i need to go and make some girlfriends because this is making me want to explode. What's the least sexy sport do you think? From a gay man perspective. I'm asking you, John. Women's NBA.

That is probably the least sexy. From a gay man's perspective. Of men's sports. You have to name a man's sport. I can name the most sexy. It's hard to do least sexy because they're all kind of...

They're all pretty sexy. They're all inherently kind of hot. They're sports. Darts, maybe? Yeah, darts. But then you get into like... But I think that of the major sports, I think basketball is like not as sexy.

Oh, really? I love basketball. But I think maybe part of the reason why I loved it is because I wasn't sexually threatened by it. You were allowed to watch the game, not the cocks and ass. Yeah.

I think... Sexiest? Soccer, of course. I completely agree. There's something very... It's a gay sport. It's global homo sport. I think tennis is really sexy. Tennis? There's not enough. It's just gay sport. It's global homo sport. I think tennis is really sexy. Tennis? There's not enough.

It's just two people. There's not enough to... It's psychosexual. There needs to be too many loads of reviews on a tennis court. There's no possibility of an orgy with tennis. They get the locker room to themselves. It doesn't count. Tennis is more like...

Tennis is very gay, I don't know. Tennis is very gay. I would say soccer hottest. Number two would be hockey. Hockey's up there. Tate McRae would agree with you.

I don't know if this is a right wing influencer or a TikTok fan. Tate McRae a tiktok singer who has a hockey uh she loves hockey what are they doing with the names she loves hockey tate mcrae tate mcrae just a kind of girl's name from her high school i missed all the other ones i didn't get on board with Olivia Rodrigo or Addison Gray or anything. That's a normal name. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to get in on the ground floor of Tate McRae. Angel investor Tate McRae.

Tate McRae is huge. Those stats are going up, up, up. Do you like her? I've never listened to Tate McRae. I love the hockey thing. I love her fucking hockey thing. she's her is her she loves hockey she does she had a music video that's like hockey theme she's like yeah i just want to wrap my boys my hockey boys she had a hockey boy friend anyway jake mcgray sounds hot right

or bambino whatever it's called the fucking ice smoothing yeah yeah wait well you're always what we're gonna say let's talk about so i'm from that's a hockey do you find hockey erotic yeah yeah definitely do what do you find erotic about it it's like with soccer it's like the live lean toned whatever yeah bringing over each other's backs with hockey it's more of a violent thing aren't they yeah the beefier yeah and the sweatiness yeah the fact that often in my experience half of them are drunk they're they all get like matching like weird hair things or do like some other soccer hair. Or do some other slightly gay thing. You know, like the entire, when I was in high school, the entire prep, like, A

hockey team, like, full bleached all of their hair, and I was like, this is, like, it really scrambled my... They didn't do it for, like, cancer? No. They did it to torment the gay people at the school. Yeah, the gay people at the school. Yeah.

I was on the C team of hockey, which was one step below the B team. And it's the team that was mostly girls. And then like me. Yeah. Yeah. I have a least, I have a least,

I think, I think that the, I think I have a least sexual male sport in the sense that i do think it's repulsive well it's not that there might not be fit toned people involved handsome doubles i think archery is disgusting oh my god i think that really a sport i think that archery is disgusting in every way the idea of like drawing a bow in this century well it's yeah I'm done with this villager shit if he was kind of Nazi coded

to be like an archer it's Renfair and the same thing no shot putt is the worst tell that to Gina Davis Gina that's woman that's a woman I think when a woman draws a bow that's a beautiful thing like Demeter or whatever the greek god of the

moon like but a man like with his stupid uh finger hook glove thing anyway i don't want to dwell on too much i just want to say that when i see them i've repulsed yeah i imagine that they also smell bad i mean all sport sporting men smell bad no no no No No Not like in a bus In a Ren Faire That's a good way to put it I love the Ren Faire Honestly I want to go

Of course everyone there is like A fucking freak They're like milk drinking polyamorous cis straight people fucking freaks but it's very fun the sensual pleasures of the meat the beer

the tambourine the constant jangle of the tambourine the recorder the wood flute the bard of course the bard yeah a bard telling tales

do they happen still I've never been to one they still happen there's there's a big one yearly a little in the Hudson Valley

somewhere really a couple hours out of the city can we get a podcast from it it's a good thing if you're

be a pretty good one I could go if you want to do a little like Frodo thing people we almost did one from the dog I can go I can go go. We could do a little Frodo thing. We almost did one to the dog. I can go.

I can go. You dress like you're after the ring and crawling all fours. Yeah. Although that's not really the right era.

Yeah, that was a few years before the medieval stuff. All the Lord of the Rings stuff. The Lord of the Rings stuff. Yeah.

That's where the historic event was a little before the renaissance but they're fun I like them I mean as I get older I just

I was talking to my friend Leslie as you get older you can feel less and less sexually it's important

to do more more and more intense insane you stop caring about the cringiness it's embarrassing

to do this or it's stupid to do that and you are just kind of bored with being cool and doing cool oh, it's embarrassing to do this or it's stupid to do that. And you are just kind of bored with being cool and cool things. Yeah. So it's like, well, why not go see a bunch of like big titty beer wenches and their like gross boyfriends. Yes.

Joust. Yeah. You know, I feel like you are very good at living in this way, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you have. Even I from afar this way though Yeah yeah yeah Even I from afar You're a good curator of experience

Thank you But I think you could lean in more It's what you do when you don't have a job But you I will My one criticism If we went to a renaissance fair I would want to see you dress up And do the voice

I want to see you do an accent. Do you do an accent? Like a British accent? Yeah, like a sort of lady. Excuse me, ma'am. That's the mega nerd. I would be doing that like crazy. I would be so into it.

I don't think I could. I don't think I could. I'd dress up for it for sure. Yeah, absolutely. You could be a squire. I'm trying to think. I could I would address it for it for sure yeah absolutely I could do it why would yes quiet exquire jester of course is yeah that's a classic it's a class if we all dressed as jesters the jester to speaks truth to power the only ones who can speak to the truth exactly the jesters privilege is some comedy are so noble they come from this tradition know the Jester's privilege. That's why podcasting and comedy are so noble. They come from this tradition of the Jester.

Have you ever heard of Falstaff? Shakespeare? Yes. Just wanted to know. What are other cringe things that you are leaning into? Well, being a pervert in the park, not to bring it up again

that's a new thing that I'm doing in my old age that's a lot edgier menacing families in the park that's like scary more than cringe there's an edge to that

I don't know I mean I've been doing Mardi Gras which is again that's kind of like rock for rock 35 year old rockabillies you know but it's still fun do you travel to to does do they is that you have to be in new orleans for that you go there for that yeah i go there but they do um like carnival all over like the caribbean and yeah brazil and i had a friend who went to uh trinidad and tobago for the the carnival that they do there because it's all just you know preparing for lent you know but they go fucking crazy on those like small islands in the caribbean i saw like videos and

they're like all like covered in mud head to toe like twerking in the streets and i've actually been to so like amer America is such a boring place when it comes to like street fairs and festivals and stuff but at least we have the purge yeah that's true I really value that time of year yeah

at least we get one year you can just kill anyone to anyone say it's the purge. Who are you guys going for? Yeah, do you have any targets? Where would you go? Any locations you would go to?

You've got a safe house. You've got an arsenal. You're a top dog. You can take someone out. Who do you think is coming for you? Do you think anyone's coming for you? I would think it's probably a trans lady. Do you think it would coming for you? I would think it's probably a trans lady. I don't think it would be a trans lady.

For me, it's a gay guy. That doesn't narrow it down because everyone's trans. Everyone's some kind of trans lady. Trans or gay. A gay guy who wants to work with Caperlant. Trying to replace you. They look exactly like you you it's like annihilation one of those mentally ill people who gets

plastic surgeries to look like Justin Bieber but he's doing it for you so they can kill you and become Kate's bestie I don't know I'm trying to think do you have any targets in mind? anything leap to the top of your head? I'm trying to think. Do you have any targets in mind? Anything leap to the top of your head? I'm trying to think who I'd really want. If like,

just really just like shoot someone in the head. It's a little too obvious to say the president. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For the record, I'm joking.

The liability was saying that. Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to think. There's gotta be someone. I was pissed off at someone the other day. I don't know. I'm trying to think. There's gotta be someone. I was pissed off at someone the other day. I don't remember who it was. Maybe I just don't have that hate in my heart anymore in my old age.

That's also good about mercy. Who would you save? I would probably try to save Tina Craig. I don't think I'd save anyone either. No, no, no. I meant who would you take mercy on by ending their life? Who's the most

pathetic person you know? I do think that that category is the one that I would draw on. It would be an amazing way to kill yourself and not have the shame of committing suicide. You could just pretend you got murdered. You got purged.

There would definitely be a new category for that, like suicide by cop, but suicide by purge, I think they would call it. They wouldn't want to give you the free pass. The free pass of being just straightforwardly purged. You know what would be embarrassing? If you tried to get people to kill you during the purge,

but they felt so bad for you that they just like, I don't know, i don't want to waste you want it too bad i've never seen those movies i haven't i Yeah. How many are there? There's like five. Oh my god. Wow. Do they level up the premise in any way? Or is it just the same movie? They're like, there's a conspiracy that keeps getting unveiled.

It's a similar thing to the Saw movies where it's like a very simple premise. But because there's not really a way to advance the simple premise beyond like every episode they'll get like a bigger vehicle in a bigger location sort of big purge so they have to make like the plot and the like lore like really unnecessarily byzantine and weird And like, it goes way back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And it's like, how pleasing, but a wonderful, I love that. I love that. It's a pleasing movie. It's more real life than it is in the movie,

I think. Yeah. The real purge. Yeah, the real purge. No, I agree. Yeah.

Yeah. But I did love the movie. I really did. It was a great, it was a great time thank you Ben I hope you felt spoken to by the homophobic aspect I really I truly did the other thing that I really related to

because you know everyone nowadays when you see a movie maybe this is just me being a total narcissist but I'm like oh who am I who am I in the movie I really identified with Balul's mom I do too I love that bitch

My mom was kind of like that Because my dad is from Central America He's from Costa Rica My mom got knocked up in the Peace Corps And extradited my father to the United States And he Loves America But she's like

pronouncing it Nicaragua you know yeah no this is a really a very real thing and I was it's such a

it's there's a real like a third worldist yeah like supremacy to the movie yes

where the only redeemable character is someone who's just you know, routinely abused by all of the horrible Westerners in his life, including his mother.

Who love and are obsessed with the aspect of him that is that seems to come from afar. The Orient. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, you're half Greek. I'm half Greek, yeah.

But it's not the same thing. It's not the similar thing because nobody went abroad and came back pregnant. But I mean, we're both white people in America with a claim to... The aspect of being...

It's very straightforwardly clear how uh for certain marginalized identities it's clear how to present that to the world yeah yeah yeah uh and to make a case of like why it's even interesting yeah yeah it's very hard to talk about the weird little uh thorn in your side of being like half Greek. But nevertheless, it is a thing where throughout life you go, oh, everyone has a problem with my family for some reason. Maybe there's some behavioral thing here that can be traced to an ethnic heritage that makes it totally. I mean, do you have this as an Italian? Yeah, Sicily is basically Morocco.

Yeah, my dad's from Sicily. Yeah. But they like... John just spit. They're like... John walked out. John walked out. John walked out.

I thought this would be a white-only yeah like the i've been to the town my dad's from like um once and i was like seven or eight and there was like they were like oh we just got like bathrooms inside like a new it's like damn like this is crazy it's that it's the weird

the fucking in the movie now we're talking about the movie I want to the element of it it's very over determined like all of these things there's like why why discuss anything relating to middle east why bring the religion of islam into it at all like it's just that there is there is a place called the rest of the world yeah there is something like there is a kind

of otherness that can be approached maybe only through religious conversion like there how would how would somebody who detested their like vile blonde american origin try to leave it behind yeah where would they find that being totally endorsed they can't they wouldn't find it in a dolezal style yeah yeah yeah you can't cross that binary in that direction yeah so the so the person uh in this case does that and they do it full of enthusiasm the only problem is they have a kid and the kid has to fucking live under the umbrella of that the kid didn't agree to it like and the kid didn't agree to and so everything basically about bahula's identity as a like as an arab person is already being dominated by his white mother yeah so he can't exactly just pull on that thread

joyfully he has to move in the opposite direction he just happens in the opposite direction there's just a bunch of gay people there are people who are totally untempted by ethnicity or exoticism or the orient or any of these kind of things and and that's also uh that's also a dead end so it is a pitiable position to be in i think i feel for the kid i also but i also feel for the mother yeah i feel for the mother for everyone kind of the mother because I hated the lesbian so much. So much. Poor Vanessa.

I met her at the Julius after the screening and I was like, don't be a bitch. Don't be mean to this woman for no reason. To yourself. I was like, please don't be mean to this person

right now. Because I hated her character so much. It's the kind of character that I feel like you've made a whole podcast of. So many battles with this kind of That was the biggest laugh that you had in the entire movie was

some of the things she was saying. She was amazing. I loved that character. It's a brave performance to be willing to be that. The villain for the movie. Even the weird, peeping, creeping,

masturbating older guy. I love him. It's just like a boot nap. Everybody loves him. Did you change, in the first time I saw it, did that guy jack off? Or did he watch? I think it was added after you saw it.

Yeah. Jacking off? Yeah, you extended that clip. The first time I saw. Oh, you mean the guy on the street? Yeah. This is the most controversial thing in a movie that is about how all gays are women

and how this you know this weird inter-ethnic uh inter-religious thing is that we have a tasteless representation yeah yeah of an eccentric man on the street and has anyone said a thing no but everybody has grimaced a little bit in this in the screenings but i think it's i think it's a very important part of the movie and we have he does the uh the actor um goes on like that for more yeah uh and at the very last minute i decided to include it because i thought it was i thought it was better to have um the voiceover go the world is full of freaks yeah over him um yeah anyway not to give anything away but well that was a car that was the class not to give anything away but well that was a car that was the class what are you gonna do the other final thing i will just say is that the that as that that the

uh on the subject of balul's mother something i've never been able to talk about anywhere before is that there is a completely i think relatable, relatable experience of going to Fire Island and wanting to stand up on a box and denounce everyone around you. In terms of hellfire.

I don't think you would necessarily feel that. I feel like if I went, I don't. Maybe fun I don't maybe I don't know What do you feel about What do you feel about a gay I don't really like being at

Like I was on a date Like last week Are you sure that's smart You're a girl's girl Just given I got a text from Some girlfriends of mine aren't just given given up and I got a text from some

girlfriends of mine and I immediately was like why am I like I just want to go hang out with my girls you really have a rapport with women I love women I'm not afraid to say it I love women

I think it's a good love. It's just like the idea of being on an island with only gay men. And the women who love gay. But there's a difference between women who love gay men and women who have a gay friend. And normal women.

A fag hag. There's something in the eyes. Something scary in this There's something in And not that I don't have like Hag friends I have plenty of hag friends But it's like

There is There's just a It's almost like You're mimicking your own life to them There's not Or you're mimicking your personality You know you're putting something on Like you're being the gay one

And she's being the hag Yeah But when you're with people who aren't like yeah that dynamic isn't as self-aware or self-actualized yes then it's just it's not you're just hanging out in vaudeville the most self-aware thing that happens is gay men having gay sex like here we are on the gay island two gay guys having gay sex. I'm the top. I'm the top. It's not. Yeah. It's not. I'm first.

Exactly. So I guess we're doing, it's just like doing your homework. Yeah. No, it's just, it's, oh God. I can't believe how much there is, like,

like on gay Twitter or on like gay comedians the just desire to do like tops I'm stealing this actually from Pat Regan who I think is a genius I was talking to him about this the other day

he was like tops be like humor tops be like humor bottoms be like there is a real plug and play gay joke it's the same it's kind of hacked to bring this old nugget up

but it's the Simpsons thing of like white people drive like this but black people drive like this except those jokes are funny those jokes are actually funny to me because gay guys are, they are the same.

What would you do if you couldn't be a top? Would you, would your entire, like, benefits just crumble? I know, I know. What would happen if you just couldn't have sex

for a week? Like, it's, there's something, there's something about, like, contemporary gay life that is so just unendingly indulgent I don't mean to sound

like some crypto conservative here but I'm just like at some point guys we've got to do something else I know I saw a tweet the other day that was like does he really want a top or is he just a bottom who has hemorrhoids and I was like literally he really want to top or is he just a bottom who has hemorrhoids

and i was like literally clean up your fucking ass yeah yeah shut up shut up keep it to yourself if the guy you're on a date with and tweeting that in the bathroom during it knew about that i think it's a conflict of interest I don't think with one exception I don't think gay guys should be allowed I think gay guys being allowed to do stand-up comedy was a huge mistake I think the admission of LGBT people into the world of stand-up comedy

was a huge mistake I'm only speaking half ironically but it's because I don't think it's funny to explain what gay is to people that already fucking know. Yeah. That already know that there is a top and a

bottom and that one is about the ass and that there's shit in the ass and you're not feeling when you've got to bring up your ass. It's like I don't think that I think it's like I think it should go back to being unspoken

yeah it's a hard like critique or idea to advance that it used to be better when there was more whether it's secrecy not even it was permissible because in all actuality it was much worse

people were dying or of course but and that's without saying of course whatever clarify that of course they did yeah that aside it's just like i don't know there has to be something needs to be done about it. Something's got to be done about all this gay. There is this the only gay thing that was ever allowed to be that was good is the idea of like two fighter

pilots trapped in the mountains who in the course of finding warmth in each other's arms discover that they also want to kiss and make love to each other. Everything since the first two fire pilots discovered gay sex in the mountains has been

role playing and homework. Yes. I would have loved to have been one of those guys who had to join the Navy to suck someone's dick. Oh my god.

I know. Meanwhile, you have a wife who knows what's going on. Yeah. She has to take the first version of Xanax that's like 20 Xanaxes in one pill and she's vacuuming the same spot

on the carpet all day with a horrifying smile on her face. Time for my pill! Yeah. For my gay husband. My cock-sucking gay Navy husband. Mommy, I drew a picture.

Esmeralda. Take it in the other room. You went to the straight part of fire fire I didn't know there was a I didn't know they left some land for anyone else it's like mostly straight the fire island pine and like cherry grove

the gay hot spots the rest of it is like Long Island kind of conservative like family home The gay hotspots. The rest of it is Long Island. Kind of conservative. Family home. Mets and Islanders fans. Wow, interesting.

What was the straight part? Are they aware of what's happening in these places? Are they scared? I don't know. It's like a carnival attraction. Because you leave from the same here. I was just there like working with someone like two

weeks and I really like gorgeous Jack on the beach yeah you know it was like heavenly yeah yeah and I that's all I did it was like October two is getting kind of cool I was always

clearing out the gate the case had migrated south of the season they want to do a big The gays had migrated south for the season. They went to hibernation. They went into a big cave. Maybe I'll go this summer. I don't know. It's worth trying.

It's a novelty like the Ren Faire. Maybe I should approach it that way. Journalistically going to the pies. No, bring a mic. It doesn't have to be plugged in. Just bring a mic. I want to go with a regular who can show me the stuff. An insider.

Well, there is like, I imagine too, there's a fair amount of totally unnecessary self-consciousness. Like, if you or I went, I don't think people would be like, You know what I mean? I think people would just, you know what i mean i think people like people just you know no one really care but i'm the same way like i like my friend was helping me with some

clothes for this like press week whatever and she gave me this like kind of silver bracelet because i never wear jewelry and i was like yeah yeah and she was like yeah she was like for the radio the radio John recoiled slowly from the radio as if it were and I I put it on the other day because she was like just leave it on for three days because I just have some idea

of myself which always it makes you feel so pathetic when someone's like no it's really it's like so good like try it yeah and i was in chinatown i was like you know walking around between the bureaus and i was like everyone's laughing at me yeah yeah yeah ever like cackling head back have you ever done have you did you have any of you ever done like cognitive behavioral therapy no no believe it or not it's like a very it's like a very it's like controversial because it's all about optimizing you for normal society basically but

i remember going to one who's told who told told me that an exercise I should do is stand up as the train was getting to West 4th Street, to stand up on the train and go, Next stop, Shining Time Station! No! What? Are they trying to make you more normal by doing that? The exercise is basically

exposure that's for me the quintessential like wait it's like I never did it but to stand up and stop next stop shining that station those are the actual words as the train is going in pulling into just a normal New York subway

but are you nobody would even then you would realize that no one cares about you I already fucking know that I know no one really cares do you feel any way that they would hate your bracelet

those two things one doesn't actually solve the other I feel like if you did that I didn't know you it's fucking frequent and if you did that, I didn't know you. I'd be like, it's fucking freaky. And if you ever met anyone on that train again, like, didn't I see you the other day? The lady who's shouting.

Then you realize, ah, I can live with it. Are you in CBT? No. You dropped out after that. Here's what happened. I was seeing a therapist for a long time. Loved her really great. With COVID. She was trained in it.

So literally I would go in. It's not like fucking psychoanalysis. They'd be like, let's help you check your emails today. That's bleak. But she was charming. She thought that COVID was fake. Love that.

As many people know, remember bird flu, swine flu, Ebola. Mad cow disease. That mad cow disease was major. Nobody died of that. Nobody died of that. It's like we're all going to die.

I need a therapist who knows that we're all going to die. A weird paleolithic disease released from the ice. Yeah, when the permafrost melts. Anyway, but the point is, the bracelet is beautiful. Fire Island also, here's the weird thing about Fire Island,

is that it is quiet. Yeah. It smells good. Yeah. There's the gentle laughing waves. Yeah. And you immediately surrender to it. And there's no harm. Immediately And you immediately surrender to it. And there are no bars.

Immediately you just yield to it. I do think the sensory element would like just, I'd stop being a bitch immediately. Yeah. It's extremely painful. Yeah. Because it's so easy. You're a child of the pavement.

Yeah. It's so easy to be a raging cunt. There's a jackhammer outside the window right now. Yeah. There were a jackhammer outside the window right now. There were a bunch of... There's some orthodox or Hasidic van parade on Canal Street earlier today.

They were just driving these giant vans around with banners on them. And I was like, what the... It's Chinatown. I didn't even know you people lived here. Did you cross the bridge to have a Hasidic parade on canal street i think they did yeah and i was just like i this is so and i got the l train was shut down

yesterday for like 45 minutes and it was they kind of like the congestion where it's like you are all packed in yeah and i was oh in the train in the train that's the word we got stuck um under the the river or whatever and yeah for like 15 minutes and i was next to and this is after being stuck for like you know after each station just yeah but the doors open or whatever yeah and so i'm next to the same fucking freaks the whole time yeah Yeah. And it's a group of barbs who are rapping Nicki Minaj lyrics and doing the like

head bump thing. Were they coming from the Madison Square Garden? I think maybe they were. Yeah. They must have been because they were really hyped on Nicki.

I just thought that that's how they acted. But it would make sense that maybe they were coming from a concert. And then there was another person like Brooklyn made them with, like,

a floral, like, blazer on, reading a book this fucking close to their face. And I was like, you're not reading that. Like, I know you're not reading that. It's like, put it down. But you should have been like, oh, is that, are you reading?

And then, like, been like, oh, that book sucks. That's a terrible book. Like, totally yuck their yum. But anyway, it's just, yeah, I given that you would surrender i would immediately if i saw a single wave i would i would yeah i'd be like getting i mean relating to that and like the cbt thing i um in the the brief time i was in college, my friend was always like, my worst fear at the dining hall is like, I'll drop my tray and all my stuff will go everywhere.

But if that does happen, I think what I'm going to do, the only thing I can possibly do is just look up in the air and go, and just start loudly crying, like louder than anything. and there's just always been something so beautiful about that idea to me of just going like the freedom all in on like all right i'm going full tilt i'm just gonna like let it out you know yeah the weird thing is the the hard thing just in general to reconcile this is not even a digress it's like is that normal life

real society is extremely punishing yeah of any deviance like it is extremely punishing and at the same time nobody cares about yeah extravagant displays of deviance yeah If you were to do something extremely odd like that, the blob would just metabolize it easily. It would be totally forgettable. The thing that everybody is actually, the real areas where people are punished are when they drop their tray. And then run and try to clean it up. When you trip crossing a crosswalk

and you're alone. I hate when that happens to me. You have to do something with your face. You can't just trip and then stoically keep walking. It's impossible. You have to pay the toll.

You look out to laugh with people and no one paid the toll. I had to pay the toll. But you look out to laugh with people and no one laughs with you because they're more... Yeah. But... Society itself, what a note to end on. What a note to end on.

Where can the people see Stress Positions? StressPositionsOpen.com Sorry. That was the fool. Now I'm being made to look like the fool going in for the real talk. I'm sorry. I'm being made a look like the fool going in for the real part I'm sorry it's playing at IFC

starting April 19th which is a Friday arguably tomorrow the day before my birthday by the way it opens in other cities on the 26th including LA and several other markets go see it guys it's a great movie it's amazing it's very short.

Listen, I think... Also, thank you for making a normal run. I just cannot with the three-hour movie. I'm sad that it's 90 minutes. Thank God. 96 minutes, but I wanted to speak to you.

Can't win. Well, that's it. Guys, thanks again again thanks for having us allowing us to shamelessly plug and thanks of course to Harrybo yes we sponsored this episode we talked about candies and gummy bears a lot but yeah thanks guys for coming on bye everyone Thank you. Thank you.