Seeking Derangements - SD 31 - Pee Break pt 1 feat. Amber A'Lee Frost

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Spending some time with Jacques' long-lost mother. So much time in fact, that we have an entire second half of this on our patreon. Love you all x intro/// The Apples - Mind Twister (1978) intermission/// Os Novos Baianos - Isabel (1974) outro/// Greg Foat - Sapphire Dreams (2019) https://www.patreon.com/seekingderangements

🎵 What are you drinking today, Jacques? What's the order of the day? I've already had three big things, so... Three big... Three what? Bings? What are bings? Okay, so...

I've been getting asked this a lot lately. Bings are... Officially, it's called Petey's Bings. They are from Denver, Colorado. they're nine grams of sugar natural flavors 123 milligrams of caffeine uh 100 milligrams of ginseng i'm ready yeah it's it's incredibly natural it like basically falls down from streams and they just kind of catch it in the can. Yeah, it's like PEDs for podcasting, I guess. I'm drinking this today.

I started this over the last few days. I'm just drinking down to P.P. Nice. That's beautiful. I'm finally getting into tequila. It took me a long time because I had a bad initial experience with tequila. Just drinking the bad stuff, the Jose. I don't know.

I think tequila hangovers are worse than other kinds of alcohol hangovers. Maybe it's the probiotic aspect of agave. It must be that. Some kind of... I've never had an actual alcohol hangover yet, but weed hangovers are... He sounds like a teenager. I've never had a real alcohol hangover yet. I did sound like I was 13 years old.

See, I was one of those people who every time they're like, oh, just wait, your hangovers are going to get so bad in your late 20s. And I'm like, my hangovers have always been bad. Yeah, I'm always feeling this way. You got it out of the way. Yeah, I mean, they were always like debilitating because I'm not a puker.

Like, you know, like my best girlfriend like in Indiana was one of those people who like, she's like, oh, I'm too drunk. If I don't throw up now, I'm going to have a hangover. Loser. And then she would just kind of and she would like puke puke like like a cough it was so easy for her it was she i it was like i would kill to have that talent instead i just like walk around all nauseous and then wake up feeling that's how my sisters are and they're like 37 or like 38

god bless it's a useful skill if you can anticipate a hangover and then just like puke before it like you know sets in look i jock watch them live to like eight to be like 95 years old or whatever still doing the dabs will keep me alive the everclear is basically just a preserver yeah life preserver you know saving me making me beautiful you're pickling yourself basically the rule for tonight is i can drink as much as i want as long as i'm ready for my 9 30 a.m beanie baby appointment oh that's right i'm going yeah you've got you've got your entire uh beanie baby economy going so i'm going meet this woman i met off of facebook marketplace that had seven different ads up for her beanie baby collection organizing each ad into a different

category she had one for holiday beanie babies she had one for um reptile and aquatic beanie babies she had a right you know a zoological kind of understanding of Beanie Babies. Exactly. And I'm going to go meet her at 9.30 a.m., which is like an ungodly amount of earliness. Is there a Hanukkah Beanie Baby? Probably. There's got to be Jewish Beanie Babies.

I mean, come on. I'm pretty sure they have to have known that. I mean, they feel pretty goyish. They feel like Jews would be like, yeah, we're not doing that. You know that's for evangelicals who think Israel needs to be a legitimate state and like to bring in the rapture or whatever they're like yeah of course I'll buy a beanie baby with the star

of David on it why not yeah that's for my white family yeah if I find a Jewish beanie baby tomorrow I'll make sure to purchase it and mail it to you I'm already getting that cum hat I'll make sure to purchase it and mail it to you. I'm already getting that cum hat.

I'm freaking out about how she says she has hundreds and hundreds of Beanie Babies organized by tag. And she's like, just come into my home and you can make several purchases. Okay, well, make sure she doesn't like a murderer turn you into a beanie baby yeah honestly if she has like human um you know taxidermy there because if she's into like plush toys she might also be into like taxidermy i would love to be an unsolved mystery related to Beanie Babies. If I die because of the Beanie Babies, I lived a good life. Totally. A lot of people get wrapped up in Beanie Babies and end up dead. I mean, I've read at least seven reports online. Ben and I would pivot the podcast to a true crime, like who killed Jacques?

I would love that. Totally. And then you'd be able to option it and sell it to Netflix for like an eight episode series and make like a million dollars. It's queer voices. It's queer Latino voices. They have to pick it up. Y'all can start auctioning off the Beanie Babies that will be found at the murder scene. And each Beanie Baby will have like a splatter of blood on it.

And that will be a clue for a fan to solve today a fan sent me a screenshot of their phone that said 6 30 a.m alarm say happy birthday to jacques okay that's disturbing oh wait is it your birthday happy birthday it's my birthday at midnight it's his birth yeah i'm ready to get 28 i'm ready to i'm ready just to start my beanie baby kingdom yeah you're ready to settle down i think this is your year this is my year i'm living find yourself a nice beanie baby i'm living in missoula i've got enough beanie babies to you to pay for rent till the winter. I'm ready.

Just living off that Beanie Baby money. God, I'm not even drunk. I'm really quickly getting there. Also, those Comptown fucks have started selling Beanie Babies. Wow, what a shocker. Yeah. Oh, what happened? Well, basically- Yeah, I think adam friedland's selling a 500 or or something five thousand dollars about this when i of course i sent you the screenshot

right right yes look all i gotta say about that is is that uh does that look like a 500 baby to you those straight circle jerking homos have been swagger jacking me for years they it's true and then as soon as they they can't handle the tough and the rough you know they're just like oh we didn't do that i hate them good wow i'm gonna obliterate them strong words nothing is better for a podcast than warring with another podcast. Y'all have a rival or something? Joe Rogan? No, we all love Joe Rogan. He doesn't know we exist.

Probably Pod Save America. They apparently do listen to us regularly. Don't know them. Don't listen to any podcasts. They're like the lib. Yeah. We need a podcast rival that's just as stupid as we are.

Like, Pod Save America, at least you guys are pretty smart. I've met all the shabbos. You guys are genuinely smart and intelligent people with nothing to say. Amber, you seem cool. The other guys kind of seem like you're crazy. Despite what people may think. Despite what people may think.

And so are the Pod Save guys, even though they're fucking evil to boot. We need to find the stupidest podcast around. I want to wrestle. I know it's COVID, but I mean, if the podcast could start wrestling. Probably YKS. You know, the New York Kickstarter sucks people. No, I don't know these freaks. If they want the smoke, they're perfect. No, I don't know these freaks.

If they want the smoke, they're perfect. They're just as stupid as we are. They're straight. They're married and have kids. Look, y'all are great. I'm ready to become a hater. Yeah, I mean, it's going to help. I stay away from podcast people.

They're dangerous. Oh, I agree entirely. The last thing I want is someone shoving a microphone in my face trying to know my love get real i mean you kind of advertise your love dabs beanie babies yeah i i'm done i'm done with um loving a human i'm only gonna love dabs and beanie babies now this doesn't make me a plushie i just you know i've evolved yeah no there's nothing perverse about it it's just that you've become uh you've moved on towards iconography i'm a die-hard materialist my right let me just go on this little rant my material girl wait i'm a real girl i'm a real i'm an american doll girl or whatever it's called

an american girl doll um i told my aunt that i had gotten a job on a podcast she was calling me to wish me happy birthday she was like oh you know i'm gonna i'm gonna send you uh uh 20 on venmo and just remember don't ever lose that material side of you i see a lot of your people your age uh converting to communism and and she's like she's like don't don't lose your root shock don't she's like don't become one of those snowflakes she's like and then and then she goes into this story about how notre dame campus won't get rid of some kind of painting of Christopher Columbus. And she's like, he was just trying to get

the natives to Queen Isabel, man. My answer's going on this whole... My parents are the same way. With the Junipero Serra statues, that was a big, big thing in the Black Lives Matter protests here in California.

That was a massive deal. My parents were like like why would you take that away they were trying to bring these natives these savages to christ all right she she ended yeah she ended the the conversation basically like needless to say i would have voted for bloomberg but i guess i'm stuck oh god i'm like oh okay well that's such a specific person because he's so unlikable yeah he's like he sucks so much yeah at least joe biden's got that little happy-go-lucky smile like he doesn't know what's going on yeah like you look at him and you're like he couldn't like kill a bunch of people could i mean he could but he doesn't give the vibe that he wants to which bloomberg yeah bloomberg's like i he's he's not setting out to do it or like he doesn't understand that it's like a necessary thing so whenever it happens he's gonna be like

oh we never meant to do it yeah he's mr mcgooing his way into like wars yeah yeah he's he's mr mcgooing his way into into the holod Holodomor. Bloomberg has always struck me as someone who would murder the homeless as well as explicitly listen to Sting. Oh, yeah. But specifically, not even the early good police albums, like that Desert Rose song. Exactly. That's exactly what I was about to say.

Desert Rose on repeat. He's just got it it he's driving in the series 3 bmw he has a driver totally he's he hasn't driven probably in his whole life he would first of all he would need phone books because he's a little guy to sit on he's that short yeah? Yeah. He's really short. Yeah. I've never driven a car, but I'm not no Rich Bloomberg type. He's like Ben's size. I think he's littler than Ben. No.

Oh my goodness, really? I mean, people underestimate how tall Ben is. If you're just tuning in, Ben is actually 5'2", which is crazy. And Ben looks like he is 100% Costa Rican. Don't let him lie.

We're just going to shrink Ben from episode to episode until he's 3'8". I don't want to embarrass him about his height disability, but he literally keeps wearing these stilt shoes. And God bless him, but he's wearing these long stilts underneath his pants. I could tell. He's gone to the hospital.

So it says Mike Bloomberg is 5'7", which means he's 5'5". Ooh. Okay. So you could always just... That's more or less Ben's height, yeah. If a man reports 5'7", they're usually 5'5". Interesting. Okay.

Okay, I'll take it. A straight man. I believe that. I believe that. Yeah, no, no. I mean, gay people at least... Or depending if they're a bar, but they're a bar. Don't start about gay people. I believe that. Yeah, no, no. I mean, gay people at least. Don't start about gay people. I mean, gay men are like liars, but I think the height thing is like, that's going to catch up with you.

So you might as well just be honest, you know? Exactly. Yeah, I mean, worst case scenario, like you can say, oh, I I was slouching that day, or, oh, I had diarrhea, or. Okay, I'm sorry, but I have to call my mom. I have to call my mother. Being honest is the worst thing you can ever do. Being honest is your immediate failure. You're giving up. Yeah. I think like.

Look, in many ways, like being your best person to another person until you trick them into liking you is like necessary for love. OK. Yes. It's it's a white lie. Like you have to do it. You got to fake it till you make it. That's the secret of success everywhere. Right. Yeah.

Do you have a lover? gotta fake it till you make it that's the secret of success everywhere do you right yeah do you have a lover uh i would never call him barack obama i would never call him that i i have a gentleman friend interesting we all have gentlemen friends come on it's 20 no no i don't i don't have a single i don't have a single gentleman uh they, if it makes you feel better, he's actually awful. But a girl's got to eat. Hey, I'm hungry too. That's right. Oh, my God.

I think I've told Max about him. He's very hot and just has a terrible personality and is always mad at me. Yeah, my best friend is always mad at you. He's your best friend who's like... He's always mad at me yeah my best friend is i mean always mad at your best friend who's like he's always mad at me we yeah he's he's just always furious at me for reasons i can't understand which i'm not used to am i right he says it's cultural which i think is i think he's just an asshole what's his culture that would prevent him? Is he like a Scientologist or like a Republican? Or like, what's the deal here?

I'm going to call it right now and say he's Armenian. No, but you're in the right region for the diaspora. He has all his hair. He's not Armenian. Shock waves across the country Amber damn okay I feel like I'm watching TMZ live my

best friend and it's always your best friend who has like the shittiest partners I guess my best friend like just started dating this techie from Denver he's like this super rich guy or not super rich but like fairly well off guy from Singapore and he's like this super rich guy, or not super rich, but like fairly well-off guy from Singapore. And he's like

just stupid enough to not be political, like completely apolitical. Like anything that goes on in this country just goes completely over his head. Same. Sorry. No, absolutely. And it's a great litmus test to see what exactly...

If you completely remove the equation of the media, like where your average normal, you know, like top of the bell curve or like middle of the bell curve American citizen would be, you know, politically. And he's like just. Yeah. I mean, I think most people figure out like this. I'm really not going to have a lot of influence on this. So why bother? It's only like the super rich that tend to be like super invested in politics or like the liberal professionals because they believe,

because they're deluded and they believe that they have an influence over politics. And then there's like brain damaged people like me and my podcast who like care about something that we can't have much influence over. Those guys. We're like, maybe this time. Y'all are such a wacky bunch. What are the other? Yeah, we're like a wacky morning radio show type energy.

What are the other two guys' names? Like Tanner and Dakota or something? They're all named Cody. Cody, Cody. Cody, Jenna, and Amanda. Cody, yeah. Cody yeah cody c cody k tyler's in there yeah god oh god my first uh free coney serious high school boyfriend was a cody oh just like embarrassing to me oh my god yeah it's very shameful y'all want to hear the name of my um first boyfriend high school. It's so funny.

Stanton Valentino. Oh. That's a male stripper. That was not his real name. That was his real name. And he had... Did it say that on his fucking driver's license? I don't believe that. Yes.

It said it on his license. That's amazing. If god look literally if i was a trooper like i would i would police brutality that guy for like a lying to me with like driving without a valid license that's an absolute he was i would just be like no no he had a huge beautiful beautiful home i dated him in like freshman year of high school and i didn't think you were gonna say home oh no what no no no listen listen he had this beautiful home. I dated him in like freshman year of high school. I didn't think you were going to say home. Oh, no. No, no. Listen, listen. He had this beautiful home and his mom

had a sense of style to say the least. Everything was like zebra print, cheetah print, and leopard print upholstery. Gotta love that. Stacked in one room.

I love an animal print. My entire basis for femininity is Miss Piggy. Oh, yeah. Same. Yes. Yeah. That's how you be a fancy lady. Honestly, I've been compared to Miss Piggy a lot lately.

That and Peg Bunny. Yeah. I'll be honest. That was what a lot of people were calling me on tiktok i put i put i put i put a few videos of me dancing in my underwear when i got drunk and of course i woke up to a slew of messages from all supreme people what i mean by supreme people is like people wearing supreme clothing exclusively and every single no I know yeah no those are disgusting the thing is the way they

dress too they're like how um my like uh my fat white aunts dress their biracial children yes oh yeah like that's what supreme stuff looks like to me targets no no no it's

also it's basically just hip hop by Gap. Yeah, it's a little too clean. I just don't understand the like, like I understand waiting in line for Nikes. Like that's iconic. I understand like. Have you done that before? No, but I get it, you know. But I don't get supreme there is like no cachet to that brand other than

like the logo and looking like a trailer toddler it honestly yeah or or if you have a like a pu beard or whatever looking like a child predator it looks yeah it looks fascist you either look like you're about to be sexually abused or you're about to do the sexual abuse. True. Yeah. True. And 100% true. I saw this just really ugly Mark or no, Pat McGrath Supreme makeup like set. And it was just like this.

That's weird because Pat McGrath is supposed to be like top of the line stuff. Yeah, it's incredible. It's incredible. And it's just a blight on his brand. Why debase your brand? Exactly. Why debase yourself with these Supreme kids? I mean, the check must be astronomical.

Oh, yeah, that's right. It just looks fascist. It just looks fascist. It looks like... It's very pointy. Yeah, it looks kind of Italian fashion. All that red. It just looks fascist. It looks like, like. It's very pointy. Yeah, it looks kind of Italian fashion. All that red. I mean, come on.

Get real, Mussolini. Say whatever you will about the Italian fascists, but they did have a great sense of style. Shout out to The Conformist. It's a great movie. They definitely knew how to party. Oh, yes. I mean, they invented fucking party and play,

like Grindr nights, I guess, in Nazi Germany with the amphetamines. Yeah. And being gay in the bunker. Unrelated. The major advances of Germany is speed related. Oh, yeah. Like, it's June 1945. The Soviets still have not found your bunker outside Leipzig.

And you got nothing left to eat except a bunch of green pills and you know new could your boy's ass let's fuck it up yeah fuck it why not new conspiracy theory beanie baby as a company was founded by nazi gold i believe it i believe it i believe it i could see that i mean it's got like kind of an unholy darkness to it the way like cabbage batch kids and maybe my little pony i'm too imagine selling beanie babies for kruger ron i'm scared i'm scared about going meet this woman at 9 30 for beanie babies what if she just keep your wits about you and mention that you have a friend waiting for you who knows where you are just do the girl i mean amber obviously we've never met you would if you if you had met me before you'd know i've never had my wits about me or anywhere

anywhere around me so clearly wits are all right at least 50 miles away smoked his wits a long time i smoked my wits i drank them down and i pickled them with Everclear. Speaking of which, I think I might make myself a drink just to keep up here. If you guys don't mind. No, absolutely. Take it. Go. Just a moment. okay i made myself a vodka limeade and seltzer which by the way i really recommend sounds like a sonic drink yeah it does taste like a sonic drink it tastes like it should be like bright

blue but it gets you fucked up okay my first that's that's the absolute best it's killing your liver my first cousin used to like read books every day when he was 16 to 21. Every single moment, seven or eight books every day. And I really believed he had promise ahead of him. And then he just became a Sonic manager. Oh, no. Oh, God bless America. So left behind.

Oh, no, my internet connection is unstable. Did we just cut out a little bit? You're fine on my end. Yeah. You're fine on my end. Anyway, going on about your Sonic. I've had loser managers before. Well, no, this guy, he had promised.

He was so intelligent in high school. I was like, like wow he's gonna become like a nasa engineer his mom worked like building planes i don't know a lot of a lot of hope for him and then nothing i'm like yeah um okay just for perspective this this guy used to be so intelligent read like several books a day years later i was like oh what did you do this weekend he was like nothing i was just at the the dubstep club shuffling all night just we were drinking we were drinking some when was this oh this is like if you told me this is like 2018 i would have it was like the second hand embarrassing 2016 2017 oh god

that's very late yeah unless you're like in Moscow or something yeah yeah you know yeah so the same cousin I happened to ask him I was like what is the greatest album of all time what is an album that you can listen to every single track

from the album and it's perfect? A hundred percent. He's like, oh, American Idiot. Square Legs, Tiny Sprites. No. Oh, no. He's like, it's the greatest album. He's like, I'd be lucky if I could find a woman to walk down the aisle to American Idiot.

No. Oh, no. No. Which brings me. You know what the sad part is, though? He probably could. He probably could. And I just have this man that's yelling at me all the time.

That's what this... Like, he's going to get a wife. And she will walk down the aisle to the... Yeah. So that domestic violence is not going to be... It's like when you watch Tiger King, when you watch Tiger King, you're like, how does he have, like, five boyfriends?

I never watch that. I'm just always busy re-watching gilmore girls and sopranos back to back oh that's a good combo oh my god it's so good it's like it's like uh doing a line and then like shooting down some mage just kind of going back and yeah it's it's kind of a speedball they get to a reason that Chris Farley had so much fun. Are you pro Luke? Duh. Luke is hot.

I just had to make sure. It's insane that she cycled through so many fucking awful men. She went back to Christopher for a while. It was awful it's like just christopher is such a piece of shit yeah he sucks he's just like a white blue blood no there's there's so many prop okay like matt when she dates that guy named max max sucked too but not as much as like the Christopher thing. It was just like, Lorelai, get your shit together. It could be.

And also, no Jesse. Jesse is the greatest candidate for Lorelai's, or Rory's love. Sure. She's stuck with Logan and Dean, the misogynist and the Yale skulls fucker. Dean was also like boring. Yeah, the worst. He's like, get in the kitchen.

Yeah. Yeah, they had terrible terrible taste in men. And not for lack of options. Well, how's it going to be an interesting show if they're not dating some fucking train wreck? I guess so. Maybe they could be train wrecks together.

Isn't that what love is? That is what love is, you know? The entire show, girl, is just a show about train wrecks. Every single person on that entire show is a train wreck. So apparently that's what's just going on. This is just fact. Yeah. going on this is just fact yeah i mean i can tell it's something that you know people are into nowadays because it's it's sort of with that and now it's it's turned into i mean more than just

reality tv as a whole it's great stories like uh like with 90 day fiance like that's one of the only reality tv shows my god consistently. I still haven't watched it. I'm actually really bad about reality TV shows unless there's like a competition involved. You don't even watch Real Housewives? Okay, so I liked New York for like one season. I think I was really sick and like binged it. And I'm like, I get this,

but a lot of them I don't like. The one I liked the most, and this speaks more to my character, I know, so don't judge me, but was Atlanta. Oh, Atlanta is incredible too.

Anini Leakes owns that entire fucking show. And it had like, Nugo, Rish, like trashy girls in it who just got money and like they were like funny and like their drama was actually about like being a cunt like it wasn't all like fabricated it was like someone was a cunt no exactly and a lot of it has to do with like with new york at least in my experience like Like watching Real Housewives of New York or Real Housewives of Orange County or whatever.

I don't care about Orange County at all. I literally, my friends are watching it. I'm like, who cares? You don't have problems. New Jersey. Like if they died in a plane crash, you'd be like, oh my goodness, thank God. Yeah. You know?

New Jersey, Orange County. Like Bulgarian girl who was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I haven't watched Jersey. I should, though. I don't remember that one. She was like Balkan or something. And she was like one of the ones that wasn't Italian or Jewish. And she was like really, really, really nice.

And she had like a mob husband, too. I think she was one of the ones that went to to jail and i was just watching this and i was just like you're so much like how what is appealing about this show to you you're like one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my life why you clearly are like a good mom shit yeah I guess they always need like a foil who's like... Yeah. But usually in New York, that was like Bethany being like the mature one,

but she wasn't like the nice one. Okay, just to break it down for just even a simple like, wow, $6,000 to $10,000 per episode to every housewife recording for Beverlyly hills in new york so like how much that's not much that okay are you kidding are you kidding me that's incredible that's not to realize how long not for these women not for these women who are already have money like that's the thing is that like it's they're clearly doing it more for the fame like i totally get why atlanta would be like six thousand dollars fuck yes yeah like i mean

there's there's rich neighborhoods in atlanta that are like really rich but like that's not where they film real housewives yeah yeah you know and like then i'm saying, it baffles me like what they're willing to give up in terms of privacy for what, for these women since at least their marriages, sometimes since birth, like it's chump change. Look, I'll continue to give up all of my privacy for even a fraction of what they're getting paid. Well, totally. But you're not like an heiress, you know, or like a literal, what was, a countess. Okay, well, first of all, I'm sorry, Amber, but fuck you. You can't tell me I can't be a countess. You don't even know my real background.

That's true. I don't know your, yeah. I'm a swamp countess. I've actually reigned over the swamp. Yeah, you're like Cajun royalty, right? Oh, I mean, pretty much. Really? In Lafayette, Louisiana, the head of the social scene is Red Laurel.

You ask, who is Red Laurel? He owns Red's, the health club in Louisiana that's been open in Lafayette. What is a health club in Louisiana, first of all? It's just like a gym, but more fancy than that. Where they pour etouffee on you. They do serve gumbo in the fucking gym. That is not health food. I mean, I love gumbo, but it is not health food. It I love gumbo but it is not health food

it's like it's hillbilly paella there's also a no that's jambalaya first of all hillbilly paella would be jambalaya gumbo is a soup gumbo is a stewier so it's a soup made from it's a stew made from

chicken, bell peppers, onions garlic and then a roux made from burnt flour. Right. You got to have that roux. But wait. That's why RuPaul is named RuPaul. Did you know that? What?

Whoa. I didn't know that. Yeah. His mother was like- What? Yeah. His mother was like, I want to give my kid a name that no one has ever had and she liked paul but then she she like was thinking about she was like what about a rue like because it's a perfect base

for like a perfect thing i mean this this might be apocryphal but i believe rupaul yeah and it was like believe women yeah of course also like when people are like i feel so betrayed by this liberal for being a liberal like i don't care i i will never i will always stand rupaul fuck off like you gotta separate the art from the artist okay okay honestly like i think that's a really good like like backstory it's like my mother wanted to create a perfect foundation for me she wanted to create a rue you know isn't that like a romantic i love you my son daughter person you know okay um also related to this, RuPaul fracking is like the ultimate like independent woman story ever. And the fact that people are like willing to write it off immediately. Like, come on.

If you had the money to frack, you would be fracking. I'm sorry. Everyone's like acting like they have these super high moral compasses. But like, okay okay get real if you could frack you would be fracking and then going immediately to reds after to work out which by the way right this is this is my thing though it's like well look i the reason i'm a socialist is because i know i'm a bad person and given infinite resources i would be a monster so yeah we need the world to be protected from me it's the same reason i'm not a libertarian because i would be like the first person to just hide in a tree and drop a rock on someone's skull and then just like eat their organ it's like no you don't

understand we need society because people like me who are like survivors fucking psychopaths who are like i mean i'm just i'm a tough cookie you know i'm a twisted motherfucker i yeah 100 y'all do need socialism to you're a teddy bear but it's just like i'm like are you for me but yeah go on think about like what i would be capable of given infinite resources or like in extreme situation, it's like, oh, yeah, we need society because I'm a monster. Okay, wake up. I am one of those monster stars from Space Jam. Yes. Yes, you're a monster star.

I've become one of those people. I am that person. I've become one of those people. I am that person. Yeah, I mean, absolute power corrupts absolutely, but a little bit of podcast power, even worse. Ooh, yes. It's spiraling out of control. I ordered an Offspring The Band long-sleeve t-shirt.

I'm going to be- Oh, my God. That's so of its time. I ordered two DDR dance pads so now I can start dance dance revolution in my living room every day and you can have parties you can have DDR parties

socially distanced DDR parties once they get that cure we're not doing that anymore my dad come on we're going to fire island fuck this my dad called me earlier for the first time in what felt like eons from my birthday to just talk

to me. And he was going off about if they had a vaccine for Corona. He's like, if they get a vaccine for Corona, 50% of the chance you're going to die, Jacques, immediately. And I'm like, what? He's like, who? Isn't your dad a doctor

i mean he's a gynecologist which is a fake medicine because women aren't real don't believe women exist themselves through magic it's fine um it's not just don't believe women don't believe in women it's a myth yeah my dad was already lit when i when he called me because immediately when i inquired why 50 of the population would die um because of the corona vaccine he started to explain it and then he yelled at me who let the dogs out which i who did no one has ever answered that question i just didn't even know my dad was that relevant i also in a divorced parents twist my dad um sent me um something for my birthday and i immediately sent it to my mom um as a present to her i was like okay mom love you i was like i was i was like well no no i was Mom, you're going to love this. Literally, Dad just paid for this, so this is for you. Yeah.

My dad was one of those people that never paid child support after running off of multiple teen mothers, including my own mother. What was his name? But then he would feel... I don't want people to find him and also he's very searchable because he has a criminal okay never mind sorry sorry to inquire uh but actually max if you promise to bleep it i'll say it because it is actually no i just want to hear i'm just curious i'm not like i'm not i i'm not to I think I'm not going to Google this. I'm just I'm just I don't I've had to bleep worse, actually.

His name is because if you want to know why my name is Amber, his name is. OK, because because is make ambers. He, by the way, lives in Louisiana right now. Incredible where? ambers he by the way lives in louisiana right now incredible where um i don't even know i don't even know where the fuck that is yeah yeah he lives in like at one of these trailer parks that's like in a kind of constellation around um around louisiana because he moved there after katrina because he's a roofer like a commercial roofer thinking like oh I'm gonna get a lot of work out of it this real they like didn't invest they didn't invest very much into it so he's like guess I just live here now

shit stuck in the shit honestly well I mean it makes sense if you have any faith in America whatsoever you're like like, oh, they're going to have to rebuild. People have all of these builders move down to Louisiana after Katrina, especially ones from like states like mine, where all the building trades have been busted. And they're like, I'm going to get good work here. So they now all just like live in these like trailer park towns. A lot of them are. Yeah, a lot of them are from like post-industrial america a lot of them are mexican and they have like families in other states and they're just like waiting for work and now all they do is wait for the next like natural disaster like if there's

if there's like a if there's like a flood he went to texas for the floods he would go to uh like there it's like the grapes of wrath but for like climate change like they all just are like waiting for the next disaster to like build because the stupid country won't invest in rebuilding things once it's broken that rules i mean i feel like i had a fail. In Wyoming recently, they had this issue with the roads, right? They just couldn't afford to fix the roads. I think the state government just endorsed a bill where they would track every, or the Wyoming Department of Transportation would track every car and charge people per mile a tax to repair the roads.

That's so much more expensive than just taxing ranchers like those billionaire ranchers exactly just like tax rupaul's husband yeah kanye's spending like uh five billion dollars in the bill and bill and the gates foundation or whatever to launder his uh you know universal money uh where he could very easily just like drop half a million or whatever and fix half the roads in wyoming easy peasy oh wait i forgot what we were talking about was dads oh and like divorce yeah my father's name is whitney by the way you don't have to bleep that you can look that up that's amazing he name. Okay, he literally looks like Frank from Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And that's why I'm very played about the way I look. I'm going to be balding into a troll.

I need help. I need Rogaine. No, you're adorable, Shaw. Oh, thanks. Yeah. No, my dad looks- We're going to get you hair plugs and pussy. Don't worry about it.

My dad looks like a Danny a danny mcbride character oh hell yeah like he he owns many pairs of uh jorts and not in the gay way and the oh yes oh yes that's my favorite there's a lot of those folks around here in northern california it's it's beautiful well my dad has ended up in northern california before because one building and two he's a biker and like the biker culture like all like started in california but he's been in like baker's field and like crazy terrifying california like right wing california y'all know that like biker meetup that just happened where there's all the covid cases yes okay um was your dad there uh i don't know we're not in touch okay because i had a i had a friend there who went as the like meeting up with someone who was a journalist there. But I don't know. I heard it was like.

Wait, why was your friend going there? So I'm. To fuck? I think so. Maybe something. She was just going there to go meet up with a guy who was the cameraman for the show. All gas, no brakes.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's hyster'm talking about? Okay. Yeah. That guy's hysterical. He's cool. He used to have something called Quarter Confessions, which is in New Orleans. And, like, people are flying to New Orleans 24-7, 365,

to get cocaine, get a prostitute, catch a Mardi gras like people people show up there and they're like screaming in a grocery store like whoa show me some titties man and like they don't the best tourists that ever lived yeah they don't understand like they come off the plane drone they don't understand that there's like an actual like they don't understand that people live there it's not a cruise it's not disneyland yeah and then in fact most of the people that live there are more like my dad than like a bunch of like strippers on holiday making up like a uh their their barn buster week obviously never met a carnival indian outside the carnival so so funny that you even mentioned the disney cruise thing because disney cruise got into the pocket of a bunch of new orleans local

politicians trying do not let them disneyfy new orleans so this is hysterical try no they will try they try so a little quick story the princess disney cruise got a exclusive port kickoff thing in New Orleans. And executives for the company were like, okay, we got to clean up New Orleans. We can't be sending a cruise kickoff five minutes away from Larry Flint. They're trying to destroy it. They're going to try and do what they did to Times Square. Well, this is like two or three years ago, and they were literally...

They're going to move Plas Congo because it's too close. And all the poor German tourists are going to be afraid of all the strong jazz musicians, or strong jazz players over there. The strippers only danced to Louis Armstrong there. Ooh. Yeah. Although I love Louis Armstrong. No, no, I did too.

I'm just kidding. That's not stripping music anymore. I'm just joking i'm joking but anyway uh but they came in dizzy came in and just fucked everything up they closed down like six or seven clubs immediately within a few months this is like in 2018 2019 and since then everything is like reopened and then closed again because of corona because yeah yeah no i mean i will say that that's kind of one of the cool things about new orleans is that like it's much more difficult to disneyfy than new york just because the sheer amount of money and like the cost of real estate

in new york is so insane that like they sort of decide as a blog. Oh wait, but dad shit and dad presence, dad presence. So I was, I just remembered this because, uh, I was listening to, uh, the Jenny Lewis song rabbit for a coat about her mother who,

um, who got like, uh, bullied by a rich girl. And so she went to the rich girl's house and fucked her dad all-time fucking queen shit hell yeah yeah it's like bitch i will fuck your dad okay i honestly feel really bad for all of my friends who have had sex with their dads like i don't i i feel like i know you're supposed to fuck someone else's dad out of revenge it was never out of revenge and like literally these are like you know i like these people and

i'm just like uh well no not having sex with your dad having sex with someone else no no it was someone else's dad of course it wasn't my aunt oh okay yeah yeah no i mean it's disgusting however it's also like a good well no it's a great story was is that it was because over like a rabbit fur coat like her mom uh and this is apparently a true story her mom had a rabbit fur coat and the rich girl like shoved her basically into the la river and so she's like i'll show you i'm gonna fuck your dad i love that jay lewis is so pretty all of this is over the rabbit fur coat no i love i love her and i mean who else wrote it i fucked your dad i mean it's about her mom but whatever that's even better because she's like and then my mom became a coke head and i became a child okay

literally this sounds like something mitski would copy would try to dumb yeah yeah in like a tedious way yeah it's such a good song though but um i remember that like my dad when he was dodging his like 32 dollars a week child support loser during the times that he could pay but he would still because he resented being forced to pay, but he still wanted to be like, you know, daddy and like pay for shit. He bought me a rabbit fur coat. Nailed it. For Christmas. And like, I was like.

King. Seven. And like, I go home and like a rabbit it for a coat and my mom was like you can do this but you can't fucking pay 32 fuck and we lived in like shit too you can't pay 32 bucks a week and she wouldn't let me

wear it because she thought I would ruin it because she's super midwestern but the first thing I did when I got my big choppo check though she didn't let me wear it for so long that I grew out of it. I never got to wear it. So the first thing I did. That sucks.

Yeah. It's the two extremes. My, like, spendthrift father is just blowing money on dumb shit and not fulfilling his responsibilities. And my mom's like, let's save it for a rainy day, as in until we die. my mom's like let's save it for a rainy day as in until we die um but the first thing i did with my big first big choppo check was buy a rabbit fur coat i love that that's so sweet that's uh it's really nice yeah really full circle i'm my i'm my own daddy i am my own daddy yes same yes that's the energy we need to bring like everybody on their come up everybody in their bag in 2020 you know jeff bezos yeah uh you know uh barack obama after he got uh bernie

to quit you know if you're in your bag right now you got to be your own daddy you gotta be your own daddy you know that's our own advice it's a really old one because like i was like uh there are ethical concerns with the fur industry about oh but it's like it's like yeah i know like duh no it's like yeah obviously yeah but it's like for 40 years old and i'm like whatever it's off the market i bought it vintage and uh someone once asked me like what would you do if someone, because you're in New York, threw red paint on your old vintage, making no difference to the fur trade market rabbit fur coat. I'm like, I would skin them and wear their fucking skin as a coat. Yeah, seriously. Absolutely. All the neighbors and all the dogs.

Also, where do you think leather comes from? skin as a coat yeah like seriously absolutely all the neighbors in my all the dogs and my also where do you think leather comes i mean like come on like literally if i was evil i like i would have the neighbors just like make their dogs in their fur coats for me like their dogs should shut up and stop barking and stop waking me up and you know what you want to know the only dogs that I need? These are the only dogs I need right here. I'm holding two porcelain 40s dogs that I bought with my Chapo paycheck. Obviously not Chapo paycheck. Got that podcast wealth. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I think what I bought with my first check was a new gaming PC. Which is, frankly, paid dividends. What do you even play on that? I think what I bought with my first check was a new gaming PC. I've honestly just... Which is, frankly, paid dividends. What do you even pay on the... I started actually paying back my student loans, but... Oh, that's a good idea. The actual purchase was the rabbit fur coat.

Whatever, it was winter. I needed a new coat and, you know... Might as well. I just owe a hospital, the Swedishish medical center which sounds like a fake hospital um in denver when i got really sick and i started like throwing up blood for days and like i like just was going through the worst body pains and then you know what was it this was like uh corona it was probably it was probably eight months ago but they didn't know they didn't know a single thing they didn't know i i paid five i i had to drop five thousand fucking dollars to go to the hospital because i thought i was gonna die that night

and then of course i feel like they don't figure it out you should get your money that's what i'm saying i'm not i haven't paid that bill and and you know i think it was covid before they knew covid was a thing because it was it was no that they knew COVID was a thing. Yeah, yeah. No, that's what happened to me. Yeah. Ugh. Fucking chumps. I'll be right back.

Yeah, I really have to pee soon, too. Me, too. Should we all just leave and pee at one time? Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.