Seeking Derangements - SD 312 - Mutual JO at the Portal

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Welcome back everyone! Jacques unleashes a new beef he will almost certainly lose, we celebrate Hesse for Mothers Day, discuss how we would get the Dublin/NYC portal shut down, being on deaths door, and getting hooked on Zyn. Also Jacques casts his 360 video à la Charli XCX, we uncover why gay guys travel like fugitives, and finally we shout out the two nurses who were vaporized last year at a monkeypox vaccination site in New Orleans. Please show them your support.

Never give it up Never give it up Never give it up Never give it up And welcome everyone to Seek the Derangements. You're listening to us on the free feed. If you'd like a bonus episode weekly, sometimes two weekly, you can subscribe to our Patreon. That is patreon.com slash SeekedArrangements.

Sometimes we do mixes. It's $5 a month. Sometimes we do videos. Sometimes there's mixes as well. Sometimes there's videos as well. And of course our entire back catalog. But let's get to the show. Guys, Hessa, Jock, how's it going today?

Welcome, Ben. It's going great. Going great. I had a very busy day. I was out and about. I guessed it on another podcast earlier and then I was out and about.

Which podcast? Alex Jones or... It was the Tucker Carlson podcast. I'll give him a free plug. It was Trash Future. Some lovely lads and lasses across the post. Sorry, the only podcast I listen to is

Clean Past. So, Trash Future. What's Clean Past? It's where people who come on to talk about how clean their past was and how they have zero... Okay, can we talk about Clean Past? Absolutely. Who's the best? Who is the host

of Clean Past? Absolutely. Who's the best? Who is the host of Clean Past? Robert Danielson. Danielson. Robert Danielson. It sounds like you did Robert, then accidentally came up with a second first name, and then added an S. Yeah.

And then were a little bit insecure about Daniel, so you added Son. Well, no, it was Robert Davidson and a little different. Stop, don't you dare try to correct me. And then it was also

Jamie Klonpam. Lee Curtis. No, we don't. We're dropping Jamie Lee Curtis as much as I want to have sex with her now that she's all up in that. Why do you want to have sex with Jamie Lee? Now that she's old.

Why do you want to have sex with her? Now that she can't get pregnant. No, she's all up in Israel's grill. It's the hardest thing to me. I ain't going to be fucking no Israelite. I won't have sex with Joyce. Jamie Lee, sorry, honey. Jack will not be fucking you anymore.

You lost out, bitch. Jamie Lee Spears. No, Jamie. Well, I won't be having sex with Jamie Lee. Jamie Lynn Spears. You lost out, bitch. Jamie Lee Spears. No, Jamie. Well, I won't be having sex with Jamie Lee. Jamie Lynn Spears. I'm not having sex with Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lane. Would you have sex with Jamie Lynn Spears, though?

I mean, okay, like, honestly, yes. Okay, so we 101 era. No, that's. Interesting. No, I did not say. Wow. Don't try to paint a pervert out of me well usually when you ask would you have sex with x celebrity you um mean them at the height of their popularity and she was 15 at the time so oh my god let's just consider the biggest two foot flame just appeared let's just consider that so Why is it so stressful? I'm cold.

I just turned the heater on. I don't think I should be... There's a giant flame in front of him. There's a giant flame in front of him. Hey guys, there's your ghost again with a giant flame in front of him about to say something. Did you guys do anything for Mother's Day?

No. Hessa, happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. day thank you my beautiful day i wanted to it's like beautiful i wanted to repost this picture of angel money that she posted and say happy mother's day but then i thought she might she's beefing with you by the way she hates you i don't care who gives a fuck i'm even kidding. She tried to beef with me last night, and I said, sorry, Angel, I don't... Beefs for me are metered out anonymously or psychically. Sorry, Angel money?

I only fuck with the devil's money. So, out. Okay. Classic little inversion. Period. But I will say, she's beautiful. She's trying to start a beef with you. For being aggravating, she was beefing. She was trying to start a beef with you. For being

aggravating, she's very beautiful. You're not going to take any shots back at her? It's your chance to beef with her. What am I going to say? You're just going to call her beautiful? I mean, look, I'm just saying... Come on. Take some

shots at angel money. Okay. Come on. Be Kendrick. just saying okay come on um take some shots at angel money okay okay come on be kendrick yes she needs to tone her roots because that shit coming out gold in the pictures and she might want to she might want to look like a real blonde but i mean i don't know if that's a wig or if that's just like her daily mouth malfunction. Keep going. Angel, for the record, I do not condone anything Jock says. Just for the record. I may be egging him on to say it, but these are his thoughts and only

his thoughts. Yeah. We're just trying to help him facilitate. Is she British? And to help you know what's up. Is she British though? Is she British? I'm being serious. What do you think? I just, by the way she looks. I just thought, she has a southern accent. Oh, yeah. No, no way.

It's hard to remember that personality when it's barely there. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. This is about to get Megan versus Nikki up in here. You want to try to land one more? I was talking...

One more punch? Come on. Yeah, one more. Is she done punch? Come on. Is she done? Did she finish? Did she finish transitioning? She's not. Oh, sorry. All right.

Angel, again, we do not condone what Jock is saying. These are thoughts that have always been in his brain, and he is... Okay, okay. We're simply letting him air them out. I'm going to take that. I think you're beautiful and perfect, Angel.

Jock, don't take it back. Don't be weak. That's so cowardly. I am genuinely frightened of her. She does have a frightening and it seems like the kind of woman that would attack me that she has my my mom did my mom did tell me that angel money was talking shit about about shock again no she told me yeah i tried to listen to you on that podcast money talks and i was like no no no no no no no

please do not listen to that i would never tell my parents that i am a podcaster one my dad doesn't understand i think they just googled my name yeah yeah yeah luckily for me when you google my name uh this podcast not the first result it's um 17 articles about why i'm racist and homophobic well let me tell you let me tell you something. Much prefer that. The scary thing is, because I was with some friends and we were watching YouTube in the living room a few days ago, and

they were like, let's search your name. And I was like, okay. The first video that comes up is A.I. Is this ambulance or uh emergency vehicle getting louder as i talk the guns what the fuck how to how to build a sugar plantation tutorial from the gonsolin family youtube gonsolin legacy youtube account where we teach you how to build a sugar plantation in louisiana in 1892

how to maximize those profits from the plantation what is the first thing jock that comes um first thing that comes up is an ai generated version of my voice explaining some kind of complicated idea oh yes i'm familiar with this person they are um yeah they're doing a lot of like uh 19 early 1900s philosophy um and they have an ai generated um jock voice well they're reading quotes uh why listen they do me listener just jock thank you so much for using my voice you will be hearing from my attorney and my lawyer. Five views. Um, don't,

it's okay. These are not popular videos, believe it or not. Stop manipulating me and using my voice. I am curious to hear. I'll send them to you. Maybe I'll ask. Maybe I'll ask.

Yeah. I think, I think one is literally Hagel. I'll ask Max if he can insert them here. I'll send them to him. Um, I said eight minutes. Yeah, I think one is literally Hegel. I'll ask Max if he can insert them here. I'll send them to him. It's at eight minutes. But yeah, they're pretty funny videos. And it's just Jock featured there.

Guys, have you seen the NYC Dublin porcelain installation? I loved it. I walked past it the other day. It was nuts. It's in the Flatiron. What was back there? What was in there? It was nuts. It's in the Flatiron. What was back there? What was in there? It was like at the wrong time, I think.

The Dublin one was like, it seemed like it was off or like there was like no action. Yeah. And I was like, okay, this is kind of gay. There's no one in front of us. So I just kept walking past. But there have been a lot of back and forth. The first shot that I saw fired was from dublin to the beautiful people of new york city and they um they held up a picture of 9-11 well they they held up a phone that said

rip pop smoke which i see that seemed facetious and then one second later a photo of the uh twin towers um collapsing dude that is some pretty funny pretty. But it begs the question, how do you even get Dublin back? I don't really know much about Dublin at all. You just do a picture of the British flag or something.

Yeah, that's pretty good. You have to make puns about doubling down. Dublin down. How would you strike back jock let's say you're in new york city and you're in front of the the portal and i would just show you've seen that someone just mocked i would show that i would have a picket sign with a pile of dead babies and above it it would say the children of Dublin is that okay pretty good

okay Jonathan Swift already did that in the 18th okay okay okay so this is my comeback let's get another angle then I'm gonna kill all the babies although I do love that idea I do love that idea I love that you

accidentally stumbled upon Jonathan Swift's famous polemic. We text Dublin, look up, and they look up and the bomb is dropping. Okay. We're already getting away from the portal. I think you forgot that there's a portal present. We don't have to text them, look up. we can just point up in front of the portal jocks right thinks it's it's a big phone you jump on the letters like the keyboard and big we open up angry birds and we just lose every match. The portal from New York to Dublin is just an iPhone plugged into the charger on FaceTime

to the other iPhone. That would honestly be a cooler art exhibit. Yeah. It would just get stolen. It would be stolen immediately. There was another in Ireland. Someone in Dublin also held up a picture of a screen grab from blacked.com um and then last i saw the portal has was shut down for a little

bit blacks.com black what's black black.com is a pornography website you can guess where yeah guess what that is it seems like they should have thought they didn't think it out super yeah i feel like also choosing i didn't get the burn there i think it was just uh just to be vulgar yeah no i mean i mean the people who made the poll yeah i mean of course but why dublin no one is like i'm shocked there aren't two gay guys who beat up there to do like a mutual jo like it's kind of yeah it's kind of crazy an old naked homeless man yeah who just like you get on you get on grinder worldwide or something and you're like oh can you meet me at the portal Grindr Worldwide or something, and you're like,

Oi, can you meet me at the portal for a wank? No, literally. Wait, that would be so iconic. Yeah, no, literally. If two guys met up on... That's what you meant, Ben? Yeah. On opposite sides of the portal? Yeah, did a mutual J-O or, you know,

maybe tried to put their dick through it. Yes, the ultimate glory hole. Putting your dick through the portal. We should name this episode Meet Me at the Portal for a Wank. Okay. That would be good. I think that would get them too

because wank is British slang. Wank is British slang. Yeah, that would really get them. This is the way that Hessa responded to that. This is the way that Hessa responded to that. No, wait. I was prefacing my impression. She was like,

that's good. She said it in a really weird way. Sometimes Hessa plays mind games with me by just talking at me in a certain way. I don't play any mind games. I only play body games. Okay, whore.

Typical. Okay, whore. Okay, whore. You're typical okay i do no mind tricks i don't do body tricks tricks with my body i put a zen in you're doing zen i love it are you hooked on zen now i don't think i'm hooked but what was the last time you did do one you're hooked you're hooked i can tell no i can tell i haven't do one? You're hooked. You're hooked. I can tell. I can tell. I haven't done one since like last night. I haven't done one since last night. You're totally hooked on this stuff. I can see it in your eyes.

This hooker is hooked. I'm addicted to cigarettes, first of all. Put down the bin. I'm addicted to cigarettes, first of all. You're addicted to pussy, first of all. I don't like... Well, yes. Well, yes.

I don't like waking up my neighbors to go downstairs to smoke cigarettes. Get the fuck out of here. Get your window? No. I'm so considerate. I'm so considerate. Smoking a cigarette in the middle of the night in front of my building

so that my neighbors who are sleeping won't hear it. They won't hear me puffing. Go ahead and make fun of me for being considerate of my neighbors. That is what she said. I always just smoke out the window if I... I mean, I don't smoke that often, but I'll smoke out the window. It's kind of fun. How often do you think I'm considerate of my neighbors?

Well, also, there's another apartment like four or five feet away from mine. Sure. From my windows. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah, for sure. like it's an airship yeah yeah yeah yeah hessa lives in one i love to lean out my window like have half my body out the window and smoke a cigarette it's pretty fun a fully an old chinese man saw me fully naked the other day in my apartment how do you i don't know if i mentioned that last did. Did you get a reaction?

What'd he do? Yeah, he was just staring. The guy got a boner immediately. I was the one with the reaction, kind of. Because I didn't see him, and I took off my pants. I already wasn't wearing a shirt, and I took off my pants. And I looked up, and I stumbled backwards like Chris Farley.

Fell backwards onto my bed and shuffled to the corner onto my bed and like shuffled to the corner of my bed so that my dresser would block me and I was just stuck there like cowering in high school. You sound like you're reading a page from Leaving Las Vegas.

I woke up in the morning in a stupor falling over as the elderly Chinaman watched me from the window naked. Oh. Okay, interesting. Period. Interesting choice of words.

You said Chinese man. That's true. I mean, she did say that. That's what I said. He is a man. You did say something different. He is a man from China. Yeah, double down on this one. I definitely think you Yeah double down on this one

I definitely think you should double down on this God damn it What other Deadwood style Terms have you Y'all I take it back It's really inappropriate that I said that But Ben is a fag And Hess is a dyke

Fuck em Period And fuck Angel Money She shouldn't have ever called me fat bag and hess is a dyke fuck them it's but of course we of course we get attacked she she shouldn't have ever called me fat we should never call me in here for just just to have jock to uh bully like anxiety bully a lightning rod yeah who could we please who could we invite someone for jock to just you know you know like when dogs get stressed out they like they go to like go uh grab a toy like a displacement thing jock lashes out as a displacement activity we need a fourth person here to be our i think if we just miss max so much yeah maybe i don't know max is gonna

want to do that i'm sick of that yeah get, like, another webcam and set up, like, a... A scarecrow. I don't know, like, a Troye Sivan body pillow or something. Yeah. Shut up, Troye.

Fuck you, Troye Sivan body pillow. I hate you. You fucking asshole. You such a piece of shit. You skinny little bitch. Troye Sivan body pillow. Fuck you. Oh, um...

Mm-hmm. Oh, that could work. Ben and Henson just are in love with you. That could not be. Yeah, that could work. Usually we wait till the end of the episode to announce things

but I do have an announcement on Friday over Skype I will be hosting the roast of Ben Mora it will be at 7pm Eastern over Skype Zoom I mean

on Zoom so funny do you also call google maps map quest shut the fuck up okay okay i'm using i'm gonna ask.com hold on for a second i gotta look up the restaurant's rating i gotta uh pull up ask g to ask him a question literally literally have you guys seen the new Charlie XCX music video for 360? I've seen maybe

700 clips but I have yet to hear the full song or watch the full music video. It takes me a really long time to listen to new music. It really genuinely takes me about 4 or time to listen to new music it really genuinely takes me like about like four or five months yeah same after it's been released because i've legitimately feel too much pressure even when yeah you gotta wait till the hype dies down yeah wait till

you you're not you don't feel like you have to post about it i just i really resent feeling targeted by pop stars um and their management teams um and yeah i i i also get off on being withholding so i'm like well i'm gonna listen to this in maybe six months when no one's talking about it anymore i didn't even finish listening to brit pop ag cook's new album just dropped. I haven't touched it. I'm busy. I can't just sit down. I haven't even had time to DJ. I'm trying to record a new movie and finish editing another movie.

Not including the Mardi Gras movie. Too much with these two bimbos. But I mean, I did hear... It's our fault. I have a compliment coming for you. Let me look up the list of the people. You look skinnier right now. Your cheeks look sunken in, like

emaciated. Wow, thanks so much. Emaciated? For the correction. Okay, so on there was the annoying girl from Bottoms. We got Julia Fox. um okay so on there was the annoying girl from bottoms we got uh julia fox and queen i feel like that's all i could remember they're pretty much all queens oh yeah she was on

that too forget about very queen chloe oh chloe savinia was the best addition to that Oh, Chloe Sevigny was the best addition to that. My roomie loves Chloe Sevigny and Julia Fox. Those are his two favorite people in the world. So he was blown away. Excited. To just name a few, I want to know the full list. Okay, so we got Che Guevara, Marilyn Manson. Who would be in your 360 video shot?

Oh, this is a great- Who are your cool girls? Okay, Shirley Manson, the lead singer of Garbage. Shirley Manson. Shirley Manson, you bitch. Shirley Manson would be in yours. Interesting. Why don't you push over the disgruntled

dyke hair out of your eyes and take a listen? Yeah. Get that out of your face. For the listeners out there, she just moved her hair out of her eyes. Okay, so who else would be at my 360 table? Pierce Bronson, of course.

Mila Jovovich. Pierce Bronson? Is course. Mila Jovovich. What's wrong with having Pierce Bronson? Is it only women? I guess it could be anyone. That is a good... I'm not going to disparage that pick. I do love Pierce Brosnan a lot. Is that just because his last name

is similar to Pierce Brosnan? No, it's because he's an iconic world delegate. Wouldn't you consider him a delegate of the world? He met with the Kim Jong-un. Okay, so obviously... Would Kim Jong-un also be in your video guess what i have a big surprise for you you two are actually invited you guys can be at the in the video i'm busy that day

i actually was already in the charlie x yeah i was i mean i did hear i did hear the song like a couple full times on set when we were filming the music video but yeah but when when you're working can't really listen you can't really enjoy your digest that is one of ben's favorite excuses to not come to one of my uh basketball games or like come to one of my like uh music recitals is he immediate i i tell him hey i have a music recital coming up i want to invite you to and he goes i'm busy that date i haven't even set the date what do you mean a music recital you're gonna play the you're gonna play the recorder like a dj set of all the parents a music recital

oh okay i feel like i've I've seen you DJ recently. That is a funny thing to call a DJ set. Music recital. Is that it? At my table to Bianca Sensori. Let's see. Oh, just to make it spicy Chloe is there

and she's on our side now Kardashian what other Chloe would I be talking about what other Chloe is there on this planet that matters Chloe Sevigny is actually there too though so it gets kind of confusing that way Chloe with a C, Chloe with a K

it's very actually easy to distinguish Sonia's actually there too, though. So it gets kind of confusing that way. Chloe with a C, Chloe with a K. It's very actually easy to distinguish. The creator of Bing Energy Drink. There we go. Probably some old guy. Albert Einstein. Pamela Anderson. Major. Absolutely major.

Huge. And then Mary Magdalene uh uh sebastian pickles who the who the fuck is sebastian magdalene is sebastian pickles other name how do you not how do y'all not know this what have y'all what the fuck are you y'all don't know who the internet persona Mary Magdalene is with the giant tits? Sebastian Pickles? Also? No. This is over my head entirely. Okay, so

Mary Magdalene... Oh, she's a lady with the huge tits. Didn't she die from complications or something? No, that's Sophia Anderson. Oh, it was one of the cock destroyers. Sophia Anderson. She should definitely be in that music video queen yes she was the cock destroyers would be in mine she was amazing so her her instagram at is how did she die was it complications from surgery

i think it probably was that is so sad, one of her boobs exploded and she, like, died. No, I think her boob exploding was not why she died. That was just a separate thing that happened. That is so fucking sad. Pretty, yeah. No, I don't know how she passed, but it really is. Can you imagine being the lone cock destroyer? The one that gets left on this wretched earth alone.

I would kill myself. You know what else? You can't even, you can't even be like the shtick was being, is the two of them together. Now she's just some lady with giant teeth playing the piano alone. Well, I think she's doing that. I think she's on a,

she has her own podcast now, but I mean, what does that mean? And this twist, it's called the Cock Destroyer. No, no. Before she died,

before she died, the cock destroyers had split up and irrevocably destroyed their friendship in whatever kind of way. Much like a cock. Their friendship was destroyed. You know what I mean, John?

I think he just got it. Speaking of cocks, are any of the listeners out there do cock fighting? We are not on a phone call with them right now. I don't know. I don't know any of them

personally. Feel free to use that space to answer. Yes, if you are involved in cockfighting, you can answer right there. Call in to our number. Why? Are you trying to get into cockfighting?

No, I just watched a video of it earlier. Let me plug the number real quick. I got it. Real quick, too. At my table, Bruce Springsteen, Ricky Martin, and Celine Dion. I'm going back to the 360. So this is like full 30 people

in the room now. That's major. I thought we were going to have 360 people. I thought I could just keep listening. Why not? Oh, that's a good point. I thought I could just keep listening. Why not? Oh, that's a good point. That is the name of the song. Yeah, I always thought it was weird. Honestly, she really fumbled the bag by not having 360 women.

She could have supported 360 women. I'm kind of just bored of music about being cool. It's kind of... I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, but I'm like, every song is just about how you're so fucking cool. And I'm like, what happened to... I prefer that to songs about how sad you are,

though. Not sad. Like pop songs? Yeah, but I'm like... I don't know. Seems like... I can't think of a single pop song where a person's talking about sad stuff. There's a lot of it. What about You Had a Bad Day by James Blunt?

You had a bad day! Oh my god. James Blunt. Oh my god. Would he be at your table? Oh god. Every time I hear that name, I'm haunted by...

He had an album with a break. My mom was going through a divorce, and she would drive around crying to that song. Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend. You have been the one for me. It's a James Blunt song. He's really bad. He's like an actual... He's a James Blunt song he's really bad he's like

not like he's I don't know if he's done anything bad he's just like so annoying he's done a lot of bad stuff wait really? my tooth just started hurting your tooth just started hurting? you're such a fucking maniac

I haven't tried what's the obstacle? Jock has four impacted wisdom teeth for the listener started hurting. You're such a fucking maniac. I haven't tried, bitch. What's the obstacle? Jock has four impacted wisdom teeth for the listeners at home. Two of which are broken. For over eight weeks, it refuses to get help, and it's causing a lot of trouble for everyone on the show.

I got penicillin. Completely honest with you guys. It's not causing any issues. Shut up. What would you two know about problems? You guys have no problems. People live I know you don't. Long hair, curly hair,

well lit room, overhead light. In the hair department, it's true we do have hair. I'm not really sure. I have no problems in the hair department. It's not fair that y'all have more followers than me either. Y'all want me just to list everything? We've done work.

We've created online personalities. I'm Meryl Streep. Why? Well, the numbers don't lie, bitch. You know? You can't blame us because we're successful on the internet. I will blame this on y'all. I feel like I'm growing boobs

and I feel like it's your fault. I feel like you're telepathically injecting me with Estradiol. I noticed today when I put on this new Yeezy women's top that my... They're starting to look like tits. That it fit perfectly? Is the that it really made my tits look beautiful?

I saw some pictures of Jock. Can I just put it on right now? And I'll tell you, it did not fit perfectly. Yeah, please put it on. It's going to take 15 minutes for him to put it on. It's going to. It's okay. We can talk at any time. Oh my God. He needs to get his teeth fixed. I'm so frustrated about the teeth. It's dangerous. It's dangerous. You can get an infection in your teeth actually he's coming back but i'm like genuinely really

frustrated put it even on i before i put it on i want to show y'all what it looks like before i even wear it because it'll make you laugh okay you're shaking the head okay now the head now the head i guess this is now that the headphones are back off he is... Something has got to be done about this. Okay. That is like for a child. This is a shirt for a child. He's showing us the wet... His headphones are back on. Welcome back, Jock.

So Jock is showing us the wife beater that says wet on it from Kanye West. But when he did, it was from... When Kanye was selling shirts and pants for like $20 a pop. I was like, maybe I'll buy some and I just went to go look at the website.

The sizing was insane. It was just listed in like inches. Like, you know, like one inch tall. It was like the Are you talking about the measurements on the website I'm really yes the pose that you're

in right now Jacques is a little his belly is right in front of him but like the measurements were like okay a large is like a 31 inch inseam is crazy and then Jacques told me he was buying like $400 worth of clothes and I was like I'm not even buying anything.

It's not going to fit me. It all, okay, I will say that the pants were too big. But, because I got threes. And I recommend that if you're a size 34. So you're saying your tits look bad in this? I think your tits look good in this. Yeah, they look fine. I don't.

It doesn't look, you don't have tits. Apparently when I put this on. Don't say that. Got some tits. No, when I put this on... Got some tits. No, he doesn't really. More titty than you, bitch. Well, it's more than a mosquito bite, Hessa. It's proportional.

It's proportional. More than your little mosquito bite lumps. No, you do not have more titties than me. Do I have to prove this to you? I don't want to see those fleabags. Is that what you want? Those fleabags. Is that what you want? Those fleabags. Whoa.

Period. He kind of got you. Okay, the mic is off. Can we have our angel money to just eviscerate him? Do y'all want me to list everything that I think is wrong with you each? Okay. I feel like that's all you do nowadays since the teeth.

Yeah. You just attack us for no reason. You're so upset about your teeth hurting. Again, you're displacing the pain you're in onto me and poor Asa all the time. Well, I can take it. I can't take it. Yeah, I don't know if you can.

I was wondering why he was starting to look a little bit more gaunt. I've been beating him too much. This is it. This is it. So mean. You do kind of have the Vincent Price feel to you. Oh, I have a really good game.

Any listener who's had sex with Ben, if you could give us a rating on how the sex was, one out of ten. I would never have sex with someone who listens to this podcast. No offense to the listeners, but that is maybe one of the last things i would do not because you're not it's okay i posted a video earlier on my not because you're not fuckable but because i prefer to have sex with people who have no idea what i do in my personal life yeah i posted a video earlier of me asking

if you've had sex with Ben to comment and let me know how it was. Did you get any results? I did get- Did your mom reply? We have an average six out of 10, Ben. Shucks until your family group chat starts lighting up. Best dick of my life.

Please tell him to call me back He had my thighs cramping By the way sweetie He had me squirt By the way sweetie did you get those teeth taken out yet He had that shit Spitting and farting From Uncle Peepo Aunt Debbie from Uncle Peepo.

Mm-hmm. Aunt Debbie. Fixed Aunt Debbie with that dick. Aunt Debbie started walking normal after I had my time with her. She got right out of that wheelchair. Mm-hmm. It was like a tent revival. Walk! mm-hmm it was like a tent revival literally literally speaking of tent revival i'm planning some summer vacations and i realized yeah i saw you posting about this last night i'm planning one of the most like I saw you posting about this last night.

I'm planning one of the most like cracked. I, as a gay guy for every summer, I don't usually go like international. Don't have the money too lacy to renew my passport. I've got too soon, but, um, it usually ends up with me going to literally a,

just a tear of some of the worst places in this country. Um, yeah. And it's fun, fun you know going to rural louisiana iowa dallas just anywhere i have friends and can stay for free you know i'll manage to go denver no that's a place i'll never go back to i have not been back to Denver since I've left it. It's so fucking just horrible there. But I'm planning this trip and I realized that I'm traveling exactly like an old timey bank robber, like a literal fugitive. Taking a plane to Des Moines, a bus to Chicago, a plane to Norfolk, Virginia, intercepting friends who are on a road trip south, hopping in their car in Norfolk Airport, driving to the Outer Banks of North Carolina,

flying to Lafayette, Louisiana, driving to Dallas, and then flying back to New York City. And yes, Jock, I am going to Dallas, and then flying back to New York City. And yes, Jock, I am going to Louisiana, and I'm seeing my friends there, and not your stinky ass, because you've been in such a shit attitude. You're coming to Louisiana,

and you didn't even bother to tell me? I think... I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Of course I'm going to see you. I think that reads less like... But I'm going to Lafayette, I'm not going to see you. I think that reads less like... But I'm going to Lafayette. I'm not going to New Orleans.

That reads less like the itinerary of an old-timey bank robber. A family annihilator. No, yeah. A family annihilator on the run or someone who thinks they're being gang-stalked who's trying to escape. Yeah, yeah.

But no, Jock, I'll hang out with you if you're in lafayette i mean not all of this is confirmed yet but we can go get some po boys go to the jewish cemetery you know um do whatever else what are you playing a game on your phone or something what are you doing can you even hear me hey I can hear you it's nothing you were texting for like 5 minutes it's okay it gave me and Hessa some time to actually have a conversation I was just

I will hang out with you in Louisiana of course I just texted this to a group chat would you like to read it out loud Ben just got super canceled. I wouldn't hang out with him. I'm sure people will absolutely believe you. It's in our group chat, the Old Testament.

Yeah. If there's one thing, people definitely believe everything you say about me. So I'm really worried. I'm really scared. Did anyone respond about having sex with me, Jock? Can you stop texting the group chat while we record the show please um no no one really wanted to comment except the bad reviews well

no i mean i did say earlier the the like you said only bad reviews oh well i i not only bad reviews but you got six out of ten is the is when i added the numbers together. From who? I added everyone's number and the cumulative data resulted in you getting a 6 out of 10. You have a 60% success at sex. Which is okay because you're vanilla and honestly

it's probably really hard to have sex with Ben because if you have white sheets he could just camouflage. It probably is really hard when you have sex with Ben. I love that Jock thinks that I'm vanilla simply because I'm not letting a single mother's piss in my mouth.

It's like hilarious. In the back room of a billiard hall. I'm not eating someone's poop who's named Worm. Okay, I've never eaten poop. Right after she picked up her children from preschool. That's not what happened.

Smoked in the car. It was like, this is your new daddy. He's about to eat my poop. I would let a woman piss in my mouth. If I had a woman that was waiting. Because I'm not doing that. I'm a virgin. I stopped having sex.

The joke's on you. I haven't had sex in a really long time, so joke's on you. Okay? He's about to eat my shit. She's ashing in her daughter's face. Literally. Just because I'm not doing that

kind of shit, Jock thinks I'm a virgin. I went to, I went to, I, I, uh, asked a friend of mine who works with this guy that I was fucking. I was like,

Oh, what's going on with him? And she was like, Oh, he went to rehab. He texts, he texted the, the,

the group chat at the place that he, him and my friend works. The work group chat saying I don't remember my name so I can't come to my shift tomorrow. Okay. Well this is a free episode so maybe

you should say his name. His last name. Address. Maybe some more information about his about this stranger's drug addiction that we could tell our listeners about. No, no, he's in the best spot he could be in now. He's in rehab. He's getting help.

There's nothing wrong with that. I think y'all are being judgmental on that. Some people live a different lifestyle. Trying to turn this around on us, aren't you? No, it's okay. It's okay. I understand that y'all probably just don't have the language to deal with an alcoholic or a drug addict because you are both. Clearly, I'm that y'all probably just don't have the language to deal with an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Because you are both. Clearly, I'm friends with you. Fuck you, bitch. You get the fuck out of here. We haven't been able to do anything. We haven't made any progress with the drug addicts in my life. A tooth pain addict, shut the fuck up. Literally, you are.

It is addiction at this point. Go to a dental school, bitch. I'll rip him out with a wrench. Like, something has got to happen. Jack, you know you can die of sepsis. You need to listen to all the people in your life who are telling you you can die of sepsis. I am trying to get it done as soon as possible.

Which is something that happens in, like, the 1700s. Hey, hey, hey. First of all, it's... Benjamin Franklin. That's like a pirate. George Washington had... That's a pirate-ass way to Hey, George Washington had wooden teeth. You can't even do that.

Shut the fuck up, bitch. Look, they wouldn't put wooden teeth in here. You don't even know how wisdom tooth works. They don't take them out and put something else in there. They put cotton swab. I'm just saying the technology has been around for quite a long time. Yeah. They can take teeth out. I mean, liposuction has been around for quite a long time yeah they can take technology

i mean liposuction has been around for a long time but neither of you two ever chose to use it so i don't know why i don't need it well yeah as you've already established i'm looking very skinny so thank you your face is looking emaciated but the rest of your body seems to be absorbing emaciated jock have y'all ever seen the fat? Your face looks really emancipated and I hate that because when it happened to my family in the 1800s, we were really mad.

I hate when things get emancipated, Ben. You know that about me and my family. You know I hate when things get emancipated. Don't you proclaim that anything's emancipated. Don't proclaim any emancipation around these parts, Ben. When Ben lifts his armpit up, a big lump of fat falls down. It's not true.

You wish, bitch. What happens to you? Yeah, that sounds like a horny kind of thing. You literally fucking wish. I'll do it right now. Ew! Oh my god, no! Stop, stop. Put it away, put it away. Thank you, thank you, Hessa. I'll do it right now Ew! Oh my god! Stop! Stop!

Put it away! Thank you Hessa Hessa don't lie for the sake of the listeners I would hate for them to get in Ew! Stop! That is disgusting Ew Ben! I'm serious Stop! Stop! That is really disgusting

What other things do you have to talk about today? Who shot John Lennon? Mark David Chapman. I guess we talked about everything then. Okay, this is the last thing that's possible to talk about. Doc just found out today that John Lennon was assassinated. He was like, y'all, I got something to talk about. You hear John Lennon died?

I found the craziest. I had no clue he was dead. I bought his shirt. I didn't even know who he was before today. Now I hear he's dead. Did y'all see that John Lennon shirt I found? Crime in this city is insane. Can't believe this.

Can't believe this. And it happened in freaking, it happened in Dakota. I mean, I didn't even know that was a... I didn't know they put them together. Are you kidding? Pardon me. I love when he's in pain. Oof.

Yes, I am kidding. It's a comedy. Chuck loves when I'm in pain. You just tell a joke. You just don't tell a joke. You don't, bitch. I cannot wait until your fucking teeth get taken out a joke. You just don't tell a joke. You don't, bitch. I cannot wait until your fucking teeth get taken out and you're not as ordinary

and obstinate as you have been. Yeah. It's like a lion with a thorn in its paw. Literally. Literally. I don't think people could handle this kind of stomach pain combined with tooth pain on a regular basis. Well, yeah, because most people

would do something about it. Well, I am trying to do something, but insurance takes time. I have to get... I had an appointment, and the people that I was... Dude, just... Jock, you don't have to pay medical debt. You know that, right? You don't have to pay it. I know I don't have to pay medical debt,

but when you already have $25,000 worth of medical debt, but when you already have $25,000 worth of medical debt, it's not great. By the way, I exclusively... Just fake your own death or something, man, and open a credit card under someone's name. I don't know. You gotta do something.

Okay. Become gosh-johnson. If I faked my death and then was it honestly would be very easy because if there's one person i know that i got news that they like blew up in a car i'd be like yeah definitely okay so absolutely what happened to him first thing he would do is this person got shot in the head with an rpg oh yeah definitely ben looks at his phone that says jacques got blasted by the bazooka and goes yes victory no i'd be very sad i'd be incredibly sad if you died i'm telling you right now but i would also not think twice about it about you dying

i would say well it was gonna. We all knew it was coming. Two semi-trucks going 90 miles an hour. I would say it would be like, well, you know, we told him to stop, you know, running into traffic, but he kept doing it. The first day. It was bound to happen. The first day I die, y'all post something sad. The second day y'all are posting it. The second day I die.

And then the third day I come back from the dead just like Jesus. Shut up! Shut up! I think I'm going to have to take a break. I don't die that day. Stop screaming shut up. Let us do riffs and jokes on the show.

Stop screaming shut up. Please. The second day I'm dead, y'allall are gonna be posting the gif of me being obliterated by the the rpg or my body splits into 30 pieces of cut meat i don't think i would do i don't know how that would i mean. It sounds like a pretty cool photo. It does sound pretty cool. I mean, did you do it on purpose? Were your last wishes like, share of me dying?

Literally, you just got sliced. Share the slice back. We post or you'll get bazooka'd. Literally. If you don't send this to ten people, a bazooka will come out of the drain in the shower tonight.

To be shot for someone to like... God, do you guys think I have COVID? I'm not getting tested. I'm not getting tested. You said you got tested today. I was lying for sympathy and no one cared. Yeah, you're saying... That's why no one wants to hang no one cared. Yeah.

That's why no one wants to hang out with you. Once a super spreader, always a super spreader. I've never been a super spreader. I love hanging out with you. Thank you, Hessa. You have given it to me. Fuck you, bitch. Go fuck yourself.

I have not given you COVID. i'm sick of the lies i'm so sick of the lies i've never ever oh my god you put the both of you you could get hit by a bus you would blame me for driving you okay no i'm kidding i'm kidding i let everyone know, well, I'm sorry if I have quote unquote given you COVID. I also don't think I have it because no one I know. It's okay. No one I know has had it that I've seen recently. But I did get it. I was hate crimed last time I went out, which was kind of amazing.

What happened? Can't talk about it. There are are let's just say some lawyers are being called in a little bar downtown okay oh i paid them like 400 dollars they were supposed to kill you i was actually i was actually chased out my freaking my my freaking luck i tried to get this guy dead and all they do is scare him out of a bar but you can't talk about this? Look, it's a free episode and I will just say...

Can you hint at what bar it is? I'll just say I was hate-crimed viciously on Baxter Street in Manhattan. And a friend of mine was physically assaulted and it was deplorable and disgusting. You don't have to call it a bar, Ben. If you keep going to Magnolia Bakery, it's just like, if you want to go there, we're not going to make fun of you for going there. No.

That place is usually... Getting us physically... Getting hate-crowned at Magnolia Bakery is hilarious, though. I would. I would. One person's going to get hate-crowned at Magnolia Bakery. Excuse me. It would be me. No, honestly, it's the first time in my life

I've ever been called a faggot. It's crazy. Well, I've been called a faggot many times. But, you know, by... And as an adult. By these, you know, street urchins. Did you cry? They were not homeless.

They weren't homeless. I didn't cry, but I should stop talking about it. Oh my God. This is a real story. Ben versus the houselessness. I'm so sorry. They were not homeless.

They were very unfortunately housed people. Oh, so you think that people deserve to be unhoused? Some. Yeah, those people. Yeah, bitch.

We thought you were real smart with that one, didn't you? I don't think my friends were discriminated for having some fun and poking jokes at you. It was a vicious assault, and I really... My lawyers are telling me to stop talking about it. Vicious assault. Okay. It was.

Look, don't... Vicious assault. You've been the victim of hate crimes. Why can't you support... You can't support me when I've been hate crime? I've supported you when you've been hate crime. Nothing bad has happened to me. Nothing bad has happened to me.

Well, that's amazing. They don't hate crime people for being fat, Ben. I doubt you got it. I'm not. I'm not... I'm not... He gave up on that one so quickly. He gave up on that one so quickly. I gave up on life so quickly.

You're trying to do your hard drugs while speaking into the microphone, which is something we all love. That's not a hard drug. Get the hell out of here. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's a hard drug. Hard as cocaine or ketamine or alcohol? I don't think so. Harder. Harder than all three of those.

All of those. Yeah, literally. It's not. Yes. It is. It is. Whatever. I mean, I am actually doing an interview with a scientist who's going to tell me. I love the idea. Hello, scientist. I am. I'm not kidding am i'm not kidding i'm not

kidding i've i've been reaching out to two dab manufacturers okay great for the movie for the movie i'm editing and i am i'm not i'm literally not joking i'm i'm in the process of talking to people who if i can finish my thought please probably i am in the process of talking to people who um manufacture dabs on an industrial level by the way we're also we're gonna get some testimonials about how strong by the way actually is oh by the way um uh we're wondering where the mardi gras movie is it's taking extra it's not a mardi gras movie. It is now a anti-marijuana propaganda film that I'm directing. Well, now...

It's reefer madness. It is reefer madness. Now that... Reefer them madness. Literally. Ben felt like he wasn't getting enough attention, so now he has to film extra scenes of himself talking to be inserted in the movie.

Really not... I don't think we should talk about this. Yeah, I mean, we're working on it so you're welcome for working on the movie you're welcome for my 16 days of filming it was 3 days of filming

it was 16 days Ben did not even buy a return ticket literally 3 days I was there for 16 days that doesn't mean I was filming for 16 days I've literally cataloged the footage it was three days I love Ethan

but don't have to be dishonest for us to like you I'm not I will post the receipts well if you were wondering how I'm doing I'm doing great everyone so thank you for asking such a crazy lie You were wondering how I'm doing. I'm doing great, everyone, so thank you for asking. Such a crazy lie.

Sean, get your teeth fixed. It's so bad. Man, y'all shut up. It's not that I'm not trying to get my teeth fixed. By the way, it takes appointments, and it's not like everyone's just like... I mean, I'm not going to call you out anymore on the show, but just please get them fixed. I will admit that I initially did put it off.

That is my... Like, truly, 100%, that is my fault. But, like, lately, I actually have been trying to get the appointment and make it happen. Well, that's good. That's good. All jokes aside, I can admit that I neglected it,

and I am trying to solve it in the quickest way possible. Do you know smoking is going to give you dry sockets? Do you know smoking is going to give you dry sockets? That's not what they said. I'm telling you this as someone who cares for your health. I'm not telling this to be mean to you. Do you know that smoking during,

I'm not going to be smoking during numcle. Numcle? You don't even get to be a numskull. You just get to be a numcle. Period. Like a num uncle? A coquette uncle? Exactly.

He just confirmed that with that cough. Hello. Rest in peace, my pussy. I have a really intense tickle in the back of my throat as well, but I think it's... Y'all never make me want to come to New York, the amount y'all are sick.

Do you have other symptoms? I'm incredibly exhausted. If you can't tell by my demeanor this episode, I feel like I have, like... It's just, I can't eat. I haven't been eating. As Jock has observed, i'm incredibly skinny right now um period and i um damn i'm just exhausted well i think it might be covid i need to get a test

i don't know the road i just don't i just can't have it be covid because i have like meetings to go to and shit like i will be so fucking pissed oh wait you really don't have who the fuck is no i never told you i had code oh i'll delete that i don't know let me delete that post then can you god so annoying um just have shit to do i'm also like who the hell is getting covid it's kind of embarrassing at this point. Yeah, it's kind of last year. It's so out. Mm-hmm. The new thing is to get like, I don't know, what, like adult mono. I don't know.

Monkeypox got me. Did you add monkeypox? No, I never got monkeypox. No, me and Ben got vaccinated. I got vaccinated. I was like, wait, I was even havingpox. No, me and Ben got vaccinated. I got vaccinated and I was like, wait, I wasn't even having sex. Yeah, me neither. It was like, I was literally like in a dry spell and I was like, oh, I've got to get the monkeypox.

And I was like, wait, why did I do that? I just could have continued not having sex. I heard disgusting stories. The fear mongering, the monkeypox fear mongering was nuts at the time, though. I was really scared of it, honestly. I thought I was going to get it, and then I was like, well, if I get this, I will absolutely... You thought you had it at one point. I did think I... But it was mosquito bites.

I roller skated to the injection. Nice. You got the injection. A nurse was holding out the needle and Jock roller skated to it. I roller skated. They were doing it at a bar. I roller skated to the bar. That's how they do vaccines

in New Orleans. I roller skated to the bar. Enter them at a velocity of 90 miles an hour. I roller skated to the bar I used to strip at, which is the corner pocket, and I got the shot and I stood up and I was going shot, and I stood up,

and I was going to leave. And I started to go like this, and I started to faint, and two nurses caught me as I fell off my roller skates. Why did you faint? We did have to make a donation to their funerals as a show.

We did have to send it. We did have to send it. We'll put the GoFundMe link for those funerals in the episode description. It was very sad what happened to them. The bodies have not been recovered. But we're really

hoping that we can at least give them a just beautiful New Orleans funeral. Even though we have not recovered the bodies they were kind of it kind of you remember what happened to those guys in the submarine clipped through the bottom of the map oh it's more like you know those guys who are there under so much pressure um in that submarine that their bodies just kind of turned to vapor scientists on the case that's their hypothesis their leading hypothesis that they were vaporized um immediately

you sound like you're talking to people who are a victim of my like victims of deep water implosion yeah no you sound like you're talking about victims of a cave collapsing with the miners well that's that's that's how one of the uh that's how one of the witnesses described this event. Yes. This is exactly like, reminds me of when a mind collapsed near my house as a child. Did that really happen? I keep imagining me body slamming two people to death.

I'm sure you did. So fucked up. I cannot imagine being the nurse who's like getting this shit shift and she has to go to a bar to administer monkeypox vaccines and then a maniac comes in on roller skates and body slams on their way out all these faggots drinking around literally strippers oh great oh well we can just end the episode honestly we're at 58 minutes um guys yeah thank you for listening to today's episode um i promise i will be in better spirits next episode i'm sorry I think I have COVID but we do appreciate you listening and you can find

bonus episodes as I said our entire catalog videos that we've been talking about making there's you know a bunch of them on there that is patreon.com slash derangements until next time bye

bye derangements. Until next time. Bye. Bye. Oh, the world! I'm not telling you. Jeans, stonewash, t-shirt, frit. Blouson, pilot, old. Santiago, feet. Here's the real De Gea. De Blon, the chebou. I attack royal. Mill de ville, assure fort chez Sonneau. La piste dégueule de petits canons. I'm going to the disc jockey friend of mine.

Suddenly, hello stars. I find myself on the ground. Ouch, my head. The tétards have still hit, man. It's the curse of the Mec Deguene. The empty ones at Chebaf. Exit the Bléros. Man, the Deguene, you have to know how to assume it. Two bottles later, everything bathes. And my name is Kate Wichelt