Seeking Derangements - SD 315 - The LesbiList w/ Girl God pt 2

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

April and Grace join Hesse and I to crack open the lesbian list! Is it lesbian to fart? What if it makes a noise? Do you look both ways before crossing the street? Well then sister, it might be time to rescue some pit bulls. As a woman, do you fall, snore, or smoke blunts by yourself? Chances are you could be a lesbian, and we'll help you find out. Get tickets to Girl Gods live show here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/girl-god-presents-gay-aid-tickets-879720998187 intro/// Lyn Christopher - Take Me With You outro/// Laura Nyro - Sweet Blindness

Every morning, every evening Oh, love, love, love, love, loving you I can hear you when you're calling oh come on come on come on come on take me with you take me with you yeah all right let's get started um hello everyone welcome to arrangements uh it's ben i'm here tessa we've got two very special guests with us today it's april the grace of girl god hello we have a great bro here we have great bro here it's me we're called great pro now because i i ate april and yes her voice is her head is popping out of my mouth like a little tongue from the xenomorph yeah that's exactly what i was thinking of that didn't happen but grace is having some kind of mental episode she believes she has eaten me and that i am inside her i keep saying grace no i'm i'm right here look at me and

she goes could you stop dancing around in there? You're giving me a freaking tummy ache. I love the idea that she's, she's controlling you. Like the little, a little man in a helmet. Like, it's like Ratatouille.

Yeah. Like Ratatouille or something. Yeah. April. That's exactly what's happening. But she's, she's just me drink a lot of water. She's not having me make any cool dishes. She's just like making me drink a lot of water. She's not having me make any cool dishes.

She's just making me drink a lot of water and take my meds. Please, no more water. I'm full. If Ratatouille happened in real life, he would probably just make him make a bunch of cheese. Because rats like cheese

and mice like cheese. Rats like garbage. Rats like human feces. I think Ratatouille would make that French chef eat as much as possible and then shit on the ground instead of that.

His family would eat it. I think that's the point of Ratatouille is that he's different from other rats because he's like, I actually don't have the flavor power. I'm not like the other girls. I like foie gras. Yes, exactly. I actually love eating avocado.

I don't like poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like kale salad. Uh-huh. I like other trendy gay things. Quinoa was a road for a while. I like going to Australian restaurants that are just bowl restaurants with sprouts

on top of the bowl. That's a white woman restaurant. To rats, Ratatouille is actually kind of a horror movie. Yeah. Because Remy's a whore. He's a fucking whore. No, because he's a psycho. He's so removed from society.

Yeah. It's like them watching the movie spider yeah well while we have you two with us today we figured it's time to continue a new series we started you two have joined us for the gay list before which you know we have

in the interim did we get to the end of the list? yes in the interim did we get to the end of the list no we're never gonna get to the list well fortunately but we're taking a little bit of a break from it because i found an entirely new list um focusing on a different sexual orientation and it is lesbians we have a lot of that's that's quaint i remember when we had those it's very inclusive back in the day unfortunately they're all chopping off their titan i'm kidding i'm joking we don't have them anymore because of big trans I don't understand why so many

people are and by that I mean the one lady who runs after Ellen are upset about that because they can just glue those things back on once the trend is over honestly yeah they can just pop them right back on boob technology has become insane it's like a haircut

you can glue your hair back on. You can. It'll glue back. Don't worry. I think at some point, Apple's going to put out an iRack that you can just... iRack?

iRQ? I thought you meant like a rock, and I was like, okay, where is this going? At some point,'s gonna put out Iraq It'll generate boobs for when you want to have boobs and take them away when you don't want to I feel like we've gotta workshop Iraq a little bit

We have to work on the name a little bit I don't even think we kind of have I don't think we have to do that Let's add some depleted uranium to the inside of the device that will slowly give you cancer over time. The device may or may not be nuclear.

We don't know. The slogan is, we have two weapons of mass destruction for you right here. Absolutely, absolutely. So, I mean, we have two weapons of mass destruction for you right here. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, I mean, I guess, you know, the problem here is

I don't have many lesbian bumfights. Any lesbian? Have you ever eaten pussy? No. No? Okay. Not even a man? Have you ever drank it? No. No? Okay. Not even a man? Have you ever drank it? No.

The way that you said no makes me think you, like, have done something to your pussy. Well, I've had sex with a woman, but I did not... Have you, like, kissed her? Were you, like, crying the whole time? Were you, like, ew? I was not crying.

I was not crying. It was before I came she asked me in fact you came and then you yelled out I'm gonna come out

of the closet cause I'm gay I'm coming out of the closet yes I'm coming out of the closet and stuff. Yes! No, but she asked me if the sun and the moon are the same thing. I was like, okay, of course you don't know what I'm getting.

You don't know what the sun is. If the sun and the moon are what? The same thing. What? Yeah. So you were five years old so you decided that you were gay after that because women are dumb women are stupid

good god I can't put up with this but no it was she's still out there I hope so she's still out there I hope so she's still out there yeah we're like assuming that

we didn't think that you murdered her no one's found her body yet I don't think that you murdered her I do think you would be good at hiding a body Ben believe me I could absolutely hide a body. But during the eclipse, I was thinking about how

difficult that day must have been for her, because she must have realized that day that the sun and the moon were totally different things. He looked up at them and was like, Oh my god, that guy's gay! He was gay the whole time!

I hope she talked to her pastor. Yeah. I hope that she talked to her pastor. You were wrong. They're not the same thing. The pastor's like, fuck. I was like, yeah, it is the same thing. That's the same moon, Donna.

But I figure you three together are going to have some more lesbian knowledge than I can just guessing why do you think that? that's interesting why do you think that?

because all of you are wearing glasses right now I will say you're all wearing glasses at the moment that's true checkmate I guess I guess. I guess I'll just go kill myself. I wear glasses so I can make sure that's pussy I'm eating. Okay.

It also looks like she's about to drop a column for New York Meg about what it really means to be a gay woman right now. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. So that's why what it really means to be a gay woman yes yes absolutely so that's so that's why I figure

you three would have a lot of a lot of vital information to share here should we get started with um number let's begin let's begin I'm gonna I'm gonna forego the numbers I have one to add before we get started do you want to just, let's add one.

Is it lesbian to wear two-inch lifts? Stop. Stop. Stop it. Ben's been wearing lifts. Ben's been wearing lifts. I'm going to say, can I just say it right out the gate?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Have you really been wearing loose? Yeah. I decided to do, because I wanted to see if the world would treat me any differently if

I was 5'9 vs 5'7. That's not why. And yes and no. That can't be why. It was a social experiment. It was a social experiment to It was a social experiment to see if you got laid more. I guess that's part of it. Getting laid is in part

of how the world treats me. I've been wearing women's clothes to work just to see if people treat me differently. I've been taking hormones. I've been taking hormones for five years. I got the biggest hits the plastic

surgeon would give me as a social experiment and I think if someone were to do that that would be totally valid but the two inch heels are gender affirming for me as a man I've got enough filler that I can't talk right no more as a social experiment

but yes I did get them and for the past that I can't talk right no more as a social experiment. But yes, I did get them and for the past week I've been 5'9 instead of my regular 5'7 and it actually it turns out I'm just as disrespected and

into conflict at 5'9 as I am at 5'7. So maybe it had nothing to do with the height. Or maybe you should go taller. What about stilts? You should see how people treat you if you're like 13 feet tall. People would probably cower here.

I would be a really scary giant. You should get those disco shoes with goldfish in the bottom part. Oh, that would be very cool yeah i don't want to look gayer that would that's the straightest thing you could wear on your feet really yes i do think nowadays i i would assume nowadays a guy wearing that like honestly though it's like just peacocking for pussy now with all this straggatry around, that's one of the straightest things.

That's like something Richard Kuklinski would wear. But the first night I actually wore the in the height boosting insoles, I was hate-crimed, literally.

So, I was like, maybe I need to be shorter. It made you too noticeable. It made me too noticeable and maybe a little bit more intimidating. Like, maybe I should be 5'4". You need to wear the opposite of lifts. Yeah, I need to chop my feet off. If you're done with them, can I have the lifts?

No. No. Why? You have to buy your own because you're mocking me for them wait can somebody explain it's not gay if women wear lifts yeah for women it's lesbian but it's lesbian when men wear them for you lesbian for a female to wear insoles because why aren't you just wearing heels you're living in a seininfeld episode as George but if Hessa war lives she'd just be living in her

life as Hessa do you get what I'm saying yeah okay that's fair enough that's fair enough you're calling you're calling me a TV star and you're calling Hessa a normal person a civilian I totally agree with you you're calling me a beautiful

woman I'm calling Hessa a beautiful woman i'm calling has a beautiful woman and i'm calling you a bald guy who sucks i'm calling you an affable but laughable man well laughable that's so beautiful can't really disagree there um but yeah i'm done with the insults I'm done with them because they didn't how does that work? so you need shoes that have like a bunch of space? well that's part of the problem they just look funny in the shoes

I mean they just make you look like your shoes this is the this is the insole technology it works when you wear boots technology feels like a stretch. It's technology. It's technology. A slope and a getter did God.

I stand corrected. An inclined plane is technology. It's a machine. The way they work is the way the machine works. The contraption has a very thick heel. It's kind of sloped and tapered as you can see. That's a two inch lift right there. the contraption has a very thick heel and a very

it's kind of sloped and tapered as you can see so that's the two inch lift right there just goes in the bottom of a pair of shoes the thing is it works much better if you're wearing boots and loafers because they have a higher rise they obscure your ankle so it's a trade off because it's like you're taller but now you're wearing

boots so you look gayer and you wear exclusively Crocs so it probably is very noticeable. You wear some flip flops. I tried to put them in a pair of new balances today and my ankles looked... Send me a picture. It's hard to describe but you could tell my sole was right past

the lip of the shoe. It looked incredibly weird. And I was like, I can't wear this. I can't wear this. I don't know how Ron DeSantis would do it. It's shocking. He's wearing boots in every photo where people think he has slits.

That's why people think he's gay too because he keeps saying boots the house. Oh my god, that's so funny. Isn't that so funny? That's so funny. It's like you're about to have a heart attack. That's so funny. Isn't that so great? That's so funny. You're about to have a heart attack. You look like your ankle is so swollen.

So swollen. It looks like I have the longest ankles on earth. Like it's crazy. Anyways. Let's get to the list. First one here is I don't agree with this one. It's lesbian to own more than three hoodies well for

who for women this is all for women I think it's fine I mean I don't know if it's for men for men it's not I actually think this list this first one seems out of date because I think that hoodies are very like hot girl like Brand the list brandy melville like like chic comfy like you know loungewear

kind of yeah yeah yeah exactly right yeah i'm gonna predict that a problem that we're going to encounter in this list is that lesbians claim so much that is boring. Like, they'll be like, French presses are lesbian. Because they have nothing. Shut up! You know what's lesbian? You know what's lesbian? What am I talking about?

You know what's lesbian? Getting pussy. Or I wish that was lesbian, at least. I wish. Wishing you had pussy when you wish under the covers is kind of lesbian but I get the hoodie comment but that's like high school lesbian to me like lesbian with like

huge kids who like hates that she's like you know perceived yeah I get that I need the hoodie as body armor. High school dyke? High school dyke, they're only wearing. Yeah, let's talk about high school lesbians

more. Who are your top five? Who are your top five? Who do you guys think is lesbian at our high school? I think Stacey. I think Stacey is lesbian. She's always wearing those triple X hoodies trying to hide those knockers we know you got i see your lips i see that bitch's lips in her sneakers i think it's i think it cuts both ways for this one owningodies, there's an age component.

But April, you're totally right. I feel like the kind of cozy girl, ponytail, you can see just her stiletto nails. Yeah, I think that's very in right now,

but that's only in the last few years or whatever that that's become a right now, but it's like that's only in the last like few years or whatever that that's become a thing. So I don't know. Macho latte. Right. So this one, owning more than three hoodies, we're going to call that, it's variable.

Variable. It could or could not be lesbian. Depends on age. Depends on the age. We need to know how old you are. I think it depends on age, body type, and if you are currently dating a man. If you're dating...

It depends on who you're dating and what gender you're attracted to. The thing is... It depends a lot on what gender you're attracted to. If you're dating a man, it is lesbian. Yes. If you're dating a woman, no. It has nothing to do with it. If you're dating a man, the man you're dating a woman no it has nothing to do with it you're just being a

fucking slut yeah if you're dating a man the man you're dating is gay if he lets you wear a hoodie and then you're in a queer relationship yeah all right let's do another one um the next one here is not having a pack of wipes. A pack of what? Your butt? Not having a pack of wipes. What? Wait, what? Lesbians being not having a pack of wipes? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well, here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say. You know, my initial reaction is, what? But then I'm thinking, I never have a pack of wipes, so maybe I wouldn't know maybe i'm maybe i'm totally out of touch maybe every straight woman has a pack of wipes on her at all times for her it seems like a it seems like a principally female thing to me to have wipes just in case she poops is that what it's for item Ben did you read the list?

I think that this list item was written by a dyke who was recently turned down by a straight woman who keeps wet wipes on her face I think this wasn't really

really like a this wasn't an observation necessarily made about lesbians on the whole. It was an observation made about some straight bitch who didn't want to eat her. I will say I can, if I'm going to invent a lesbian in my mind. I do that every day, honey. I love doing this.

I can invent. Is she in high school? No, she never is. Well, sometimes sometimes but no mostly not She actually has zero education She's an autodidact She's incredibly stupid

She's in trade school I'm spitting in a circle and my mind has a zero IQ He's in juvenile hall He's getting educated lesbian. If you were educated, you'd probably find a man. Period.

I can't imagine a kind of masculine lesbian who is a stud or a butch who's kind of eschews hygiene and cleanliness the way that like a lot of like toxic men do and is like oh i don't need wipes i'm not carrying wipes around with me because

one they don't have purses this kind of lesbian a mass lesbian they're not carrying around a purse when are they going to put the wipes in so this the tote bag this they don't those lesbians aren't having bags yeah the one you're talking about. A stud, they would rather shoot themselves in the head than carry a bag. They hate that. And with that, they have a wallet. They're not having bags.

Well, the thing is that lesbians, there's something in a lesbian mind that knows that there's toilet paper in the back. Whereas I don't think straight women have that. Straight women are too busy thinking about cock. They forgot

all about the toilet paper in the bathroom. I just, I love the idea that the wipes are for wiping your butt. It's very funny to me. Only lesbians don't have that. Makeup wipes. Yeah, that's what they actually do.

Really? Is that what they mean? They clean out their pussies and wonder why they've constantly got YouTube. Why would you keep makeup wipes on your person? You don't need to take your makeup off when you're out. What if you're being objectified?

Yeah, what about that? What if you're being objectified? Yeah. What if a man is following you down an alley with a crowbar? Then I would marry him. That's how women get laid. What if you're a drag king but you see a lesbian and you want to get out of your drag?

Or if you're a cis straight drag queen. You're a woman. A cis woman. And you want to you're a cis straight drag queen. You're a woman. A cis woman. And you want to hit on a cis man. I'm so obsessed with cis straight drag queens. Like Chapel Rose. What are the funniest kinds?

She's lesbian, I think. Let's get through the list and find out. What's the next one, Ben? Is the next one ovarian cysts? It'd be funny if they were all like ovary specific. The next one I totally agree with. I think it's a nuclear one.

But the next one, owning a with i think it's a nuclear one but um the next one owning a pet snake is lesbian is lesbian i think that is lesbian i think yeah if a woman does own a pet snake she's gay i'm not saying all lesbians and yet what do straight women love snake well but yeah they get their own snake. But gay women like to control the snake and not let it do anything. Which is why they all also play the

flute so that they can charm the snake. It's a metaphor for their own failed heterosexuality. Like the legendary lesbian pop singer Lizzo. That's why all lesbians refer to their snake enclosure as their cock cage. Yeah.

Yes. Exactly. Right. Yeah, I agree with this one. I do think... I feel like having any kind of exotic pet as a woman is lesbian. Ferret.

Gecko. Yes. Bird. Honestly, also having a pit bull and being really into it is also super lesbian. Ferret. Gecko. Yes. Bird. Honestly, also, having a pit bull and being really into it is also super lesbian. Oh my god, rescuing a pit bull and being like, I would kill myself if anyone called him

violent. That is one of the... That can be, no, that can be kind of straight-coded, because that's like how straight women think about men, too. So it's kind of like, right? I feel like with lesbian, like, there are street women who adopt pit bulls because they have issues with their like defending their toxic fathers and like displace that onto the pitbull you know it's like he needs me or they want to fuck their toxic pitbull yeah exactly there's layers to it when it comes to white female pitbull ownership there's

the straight kind but the lesbian kind is very just like based in altruism and rescue and over identifying with a masculine dog you know wearing wearing a wife beater and like yeah it's a lot it's very similar to the snake thing you know it's like one i like that we i like that the new name for a wife feeder is a wife pleaser because the types of guys who wear those are not pleasing their wives no got them well

they are like i think they're violently fingering their wives and they should have the point where you could hear it next door they should have renamed it the pussy pounder instead of the white pleaser

yeah I'll never say that sorry not to be a bitch but I'm staying with white people I'm hating a woman just because I'm wearing this and it's like yeah sometimes but chill if she's annoying what'd she do sometimes you just got her

was dinner cold? That's such a funny reason to beat your wife. It's so easy to fix. You're so stupid. It's called gazpacho. It's beef tongue. It's's cold beef it's a delicacy he's beating his wife because it was so good it was so good he got so excited

he didn't know what to do it's so fucking good get over here she's like it's supposed to be cold and he's like I don't want to have popsicles for dinner stop choosing increasingly comical cold foods

ice jello again why I oughta um yeah okay Jello again? Why, I oughta. Yeah, okay, Pet Snake, I think we can all agree is category. Did you go to AMC to get this slushie? How did you get this?

I'm gonna blow you to the moon! A root beer phone! This is freezing! A root beer phone. This is freezing. Women are so difficult. It's coconut rice with mango. This is a little bit warm,

but it's still not what I want out of a dinner. Where do you even get dry ice on such short notice? Yes, listen. Yes, I do think this is cool that this is the ice cream the astronauts eat. But it's still not what I want for dinner. You're using liquid nitrogen to make ice cream like you're giving a presentation to a second grade class.

Alright. We all agree owning a pet snake is a category of lesbians, so we can move on from that one. This one, okay, don't agree. It's lesbian to not use your turn signal.

Your blinker. That's just all women. Yeah. That's just all women. Yeah. All women. That's just fucking dumb. Uh-huh. And we're going to stop there. And a lot of straight men.

Pretty much everyone. Yeah. I don't even... I think that's like... Well, yeah. I mean, I think it's... Yeah. I think it's...

I think it's... Yeah. I think it's a mark of lack of love for the people. It's actually toxic to turn without signaling that you're going to do that. It's unconsensual. I didn't consent to you turning.

I'm going to turn around to this entirely. I actually think lesbians are probably the biggest blinker lovers in the world because it's safe to use your blinker. It's not toxic to use your blinker. It's not toxic to use your blinker. Because you've got to stay alive another day to eat more pussy.

Exactly. You've got to stay alive. And in your big van. The great mutual aid opportunities. Exactly. These are rule-oriented people and they love the blinker.

Look, you've got to get your van filled with speakers to TransPicos in time for the gig. And you're not going to do that by just turning willy-nilly. You have to signal. But blinker is consent. Blinker is mutual aid. Blinker is community support.

Blinker is mutual aid. I think. And it's also, you know what, a blinker is about the same way that a lot of bikes dance one move one move on two sides just imagine a lesbian doing like a traffic signal like dance on the dance floor yeah like how bikers say they're turning left. Oh my god, a lesbian biker. And I don't mean motorcyclist, I mean bicyclist. Lesbian bicyclist, that's

one of the scariest women I can imagine. Not because of the mindset. You know. Me, you, and Jen saw that big group of them and they almost killed us on the road to Vermont. Do you remember that? Lesbians?

Lesbians. A dyke bicyclist and she wrecked my heart. A dyke-cyclist. A dyke-cyclist. These dyke-cycls are freezing. But she's great. I mean, she's awesome.

Is it? Let's get to the bottom of it guys is it lesbian to be your wife yeah I think it is I mean domestic abuse in lesbian relationships

let's look at the statistics okay okay one second let me look at it 100% of all lesbian relationships yeah did you know that

Lesbians have the highest divorce rate Among all kinds of couples Yes, that's true We actually talked about that in the last lesbian episode And we figured out it's because they're so addicted to getting married People are always asking me Why did I get married at 26? Because I'm a dinosaur man Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's a totally normal age to get married, historically speaking. Also, like. Yeah, well, also. It's not historically accurate to be a lesbian getting married. So, time to change names. It's not historically accurate to be a lesbian getting married at all. Yeah, but. Whenever a lot of my lesbian friends are like yeah I got married as a joke

I'm like no that's not true that's a lie I'm gonna tell everyone that if I ever get married that's a fun lie you're telling to yourself at this point maybe like although the dyksicalist that I was

dating was is still married platonically. Dicyclists are so toxic. They are so toxic. The Dicyclist community. Literally, they are... Yeah, but she's so beautiful.

Are you guys talking about people that ride regular bikes or people that ride Harley Davidson? Yes, they ride regular bikes. The Harley Davidson lesb, they ride regular bikes. The Harley Davidson lesbians love those queens. Take me for a ride, daddy.

Okay, the Dicyclists are... Yeah, dykes on bikes rock. Yeah, Dicyclists are, no offense to the love of your life, I'm sure she was the exception. They scare me. I'll say that. dicey clists are no offense to your love of your life I'm sure she was the exception they scare me I'll say that

no she's like I mean she's just I don't know if she was the love of my life I think I'm gonna see her in like a week and a half but that's so we'll see what happens but sorry sorry we support her we support her

tell her friends to stop tormenting me. What's the next thing on the list? Here. Okay. Very specific. Cracking crab legs with your teeth. Okay.

That's so gross. That's just something a crazy person would do. That's something April did when we had Crab Fest. I could see April doing that. Cracking a crab leg with my teeth? Yeah. Maybe not on this stage, but a few years

ago I could see her doing that as a bit. I basically don't have a comment. I mean, I think I don't know. This goes back to like this goes back to like April's pissed off. April just left the call.

April just left the call. I don't know what anyone's talking about. This goes back to anything can be lesbian like I think lesbians claim a lot more than gay guys like claim as a gay guy thing because

like there's less of a cohesive culture you know yeah it's less it's less intuitive what is lesbian than it is what is gay I think you're right Ben some insane person wrote that down because they do it

yeah a crazy woman Some insane person wrote that down because they do it. Yeah. You eating pussy with your teeth. Pussy with your teeth. This is a euphemism. This pussy's ice cold. Taking one bite of the clit like an oyster and then swallowing it. You gotta eat pussy with your teeth

in case there's bones. You gotta feel for the bones. This pussy's right off the bone. Good God. Cracking crab legs with your teeth. I mean, it is on a bone. That is true. Okay, cracking crab legs with your teeth.

The way I think this was really written by a straight guy who went on a date with a girl who was just really gross and he was like okay you must be a lesbian you're at dinner you're ordering ordering like crab legs at a date would be insane but then to start

cracking the shells of your teeth would be even crazier what's bad about eating crab legs incredibly messy why would you not want to have a crab fest why would you not want to share a crab fest still get me started I love a crab

fest but I have to have crab fest when you guys come to New York for the show we're gonna have crab fest too period that sounds great I would eat crab yeah my whole thing is like a beautiful woman eating crabs

is great but like a beautiful woman doing anything is great so it's like alright well okay this one's that just made so much sense that there's really nothing I can

say to that I love seeing beautiful women really do anything and I will go yes Ben straight Ben is straight Ben is straight you got me alright next one

this one okay this one's really crazy drinks room temperature water that's just psycho that's psycho behavior my grandma did that I don't know was my grandma a lesbian? not actively

well the last person I got into an argument about this with about drinking room temperature water yeah my friend was like this it was Amber Amber was like you're not a true water lover if you like cold water because you like it for the

coldness and not the flavor I will also say this I've always heard that water that is closer to your body temperature hydrates you faster. That doesn't make any sense. I don't care about that. I mean, I prefer room temperature water.

I keep my Brita on my next to my sink and on my counter and that's what I do. But I have a separate Brita in the fridge for guests.

What about pussy temperature water? How cold or hot should pussy be? It's warmer. How cold or hot? If it's cold, I think you should just get up and go. I think that's a sign that he's not into it.

Before I get angry. I think, I don't know, water temperature. This water is freezing. Water temperature. It's incredible that this bit keeps. It's funny because we already hit ice in this bit and now it's just saying frozen water.

Now we're just talking about things that ice can make cold. This bit is freezing. This bit has become freezing. All of these jokes are ice cold. You've been doing this bit for so long it's fucking over it's cold

you're so fucking cool I'm sick of it yeah I don't know it depends on my mood if it's hot outside and coming in I want a piping cold glass of water so when you're hot

when you're hot you're a straight hot, you're a straight man. When you're cold, you're a dyke. When I'm just chilling, I love, I'm inside, you know. You love cock. I love an ice cold cock on a hot day, but I love a nice warm cock on a cold day. That does sound nice.

I'm not gonna lie. Ice cold cup of cock. Imagine a hard cock that isn't hard that's a dead body that's a dead person that's so crazy but kind of intriguing like I'm

very interested in this would you fuck a dead body Ben if they had given no but say I'm having sex with a man in a walk-in freezer at a restaurant, okay, and we're both freezing cold? Yeah, that sounds

kind of fun. I'm trying to think who's Ben's type that he would, if they were dead, would you have sex with? I don't think anyone dead I'd have sex with, I'll just say that. Barry Keegan. Not my type. I would have sex with if he was alive. You would have sex with

Barry Keegan alive for the story. You will. You will have sex with Barry Keegan. Ben, look me in the eye. You will have sex with Barry Keegan. You will not say no. You will say yes. Do it for the clown.

You will have sex with Mary Keenan, okay? No, Ben, don't say you won't. You can do it. I believe in you. I believe in you. I will not. Okay. That's interesting.

Wears pants with pockets yes because again it's about the actions of the purse i feel like yeah i i do think that is a solidly pretty universal and then if you step this up and think okay what's the kind of pants with most pockets like a cargo pants sorry yes for sure really also you can tell lesbian but a lesbian yeah yeah yeah you can also tell um because you might think it would be more difficult to tell nowadays because like every like a lot of pant companies are like oh we just added pockets to women's pants and so it's like oh but

you can always tell a pant that has like reverse engineered pockets well a lot of the pockets of women's pants are like you know about women's pants pretty well you wear a lot of

women's pants Ben trans again You wear a lot of women's pants, Ben. I knew I was going to get called trans again. No, I'm not going to be trans. Ben's worst nightmare. No, I just, I've friends with a lot of females, okay? And I've seen the pants they wear. And I've worn a lot of their clothes

when they're not home. I leave the room, I try on all their clothes. I mean, it's crazy. pockets they are actually I'm like this is this is closer to like Chinese foot binding than it is the year 2024 it feels like it's a rem thank you it's

it's just about like kind of deciding women's lives to be totally in some way and like you know also to keep the purse industry afloat the bigger the pockets on the pants the smaller the purses the less women need purses so if if a president outlawed purses, we'd basically be in Handmaid's Tale. Yeah. You know, they couldn't carry any. That's what's so scary about Handmaid's Tale. That's what Klobuchar would have done it.

Klobuchar would have done it. No more purses. Our first lesbian president would have done it. Yeah. Are there any lesbians in power? Now that I think about it. Lesbians in power? Now that I think about it. Lesbians in power? That's a complicated question.

Dick Cheney's daughter is a senator, right? Or she lost? No, she's not anymore. Les Cheney. I like how I said Janet Reno, which is like something I wasn't even alive for. George Bush's daughters are lesbian. One of them is lesbian, right?

One of them is lesbian. Give me 10 minutes alone in a room with kawala yeah oh my god a kawala was lesbian whoa could you imagine it would actually make it would actually make i can see her pulling more sense if she was lesbian because so much of what she says that seems like totally incomprehensible does make sense in the context of like slam poetry like if all of her statements that you think you just

fell out of a coconut tree if that was said on stage with like a soft eating like bongo behind her and snapping like 90s cafe lesbian that would have been like earth shattering spoken word poetry

but because she's not a lesbian she just sounds schizophrenic she just sounds zanned out she's barred out I'm trying to I don't know any lesbians in politics um Hillary no come on she's ace yeah I don't know any lesbians of politics. Hillary?

No, come on. She's ace. Yeah. She's sewn up. She sewed that shit up. She got the Hillary stitch. It's all the way up. And one for Hillary and one for Bill.

That's what doctors say. And ten for Bill. And ten for Bill. That's what doctors say. And ten for Bill. And ten for Bill. I could have sworn this thing used to be open. Is this thing on? Tapping it like a microphone? Hillary, why is your pussy ice cold?

God damn it, Hillary Hillary this pussy's ice cold I'm so shut that's not what I agreed to alright you guys want to do another one better fetch an intern yeah let's get the next one going um let's see

says saying that's what's up and what's up is spelled that's so lesbian W-A-S-S-U-P that's what's up that's what's up

pretty lesbian I mean that's what's up exactly because I'm like how do straight women say hi hello I do straight women say hi. Hello? Hang on, those straight women just came into the chat. Those straight women say hello is the real question here. Hang on, ma'am, what's your name?

To be clear, I don't think that that's what's up. It's a form of saying hello. That's true. Yeah. Ben, that was... I don't know why we didn't pick up on that. Using that's what's up as a greeting. Just saying something like that's what's up. I'm going to start doing that. That's a really good

greeting. I would be like, what? I would be really self-conscious about myself if someone did that to me. No, if someone, if a hot dyke looked at me and said, that's what's up, I would get on all fours. Exactly. I'm going to start saying that now as hello.

Say hello. Grace, I would do the same thing, but it would be threatening. It would be kind of a different yeah it'd be yeah it'd be offensive like don't talk to me anymore it'd be totally different from Grace's thing

I would be like hole up and you would be like expressing your anger I would be like turning into a dog when one of those when one of those lizards like pops out its throat. Yeah. It'd be like that

if someone as a greeting to me said that's what's up. That's what's up. I'm like wait. I have to leave to do this meeting so I would like to say that's what's up to all of you

and I would like to say I think Ben is a lesbian I think April is a lesbian I think Hessa is 100% straight bye bye oh no will we? that's alright

if we don't have Grace's recording because she left early Bye. Wait, Grace. We'll have it. Will we? That's alright. If we don't have Grace's recording because she left early, we'll just... I mean, that's maybe the most lesbian thing. Oh my god. Well, I can just send Grace a link and she can reopen it after. Okay, yeah, true. And it'll finish up.

That's... Well, okay. That's what's up. How would a straight woman say that's what she would be like yes that's what's up i think that's what a gay guy would say yeah that's what's up oh my god totally oh my god oh my god that's what's up that is that is what's up oh my god that's what i'm wow that's what that is literally that is literally so what's up go literally literally that's what's up down that's literally that's what's up guys literally that is actually exactly that's actually literally what's up i was just thinking about how much up that is so up i actually was just thinking about how much up that is

I actually was just thinking about that is what is up guys that's literally what's up imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine

imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine imagine that sounds that's because no that's gay man that is gay man um okay you want to do a couple more what do you guys think

yeah let's see any any rims slash sounds on a car so sounds on a car. So. Sounds on a car. So your car has to be totally silent? Any rims slash sounds on any car.

What is sounds? So if it's your car, you can't use the radio? I think sounds, I think in this context, sounds might be like an upgrade for like your speaker or something. Oh, okay. It's about souping up a car. A lot of these feel like lesbian is kind of like maybe being conflated with several

other like identity. Yeah, it's like several identity categories of play here. Let's say this. If there's a lesbian Latina, she is absolutely getting a subwoofer. Where is she?

She's absolutely getting a sub where is she she's single can I remember she's she's not single this lesbian that I'm imagining is also probably food up for sure but like a lesbian started rims some woofer maybe hydraulics definitely some decals on that Honda Civic I think it can be straight because maybe it's her boyfriend's car well yeah

it's her car if you're driving your boyfriend's car that's another you might be a lesbian. No, that's so straight. Well, I also think it's kind of a lesbian thing for a guy to do. Yeah. To always be driving

their girlfriend's car. Well, that's gay. That's gay and cucked. Yeah, that's gay and cucked. I think it's more lesbian than gay. Because you're still kind of asserting dominance. Who's asserting dominance? You know, the guy.

The guy who's borrowing your girlfriend's car? Yeah. Hmm. Do you see what I mean? I mean, I see your argument, but I think it's wrong. You see it as asserting dominance and not being cucked? I see it as major cucked. Babe, I'm going

out. I'm gonna take your car. I'm taking your car. Where's my car? Fuck you, bitch. I'm taking your car. That's literally what the Steven Crowder video was. Fuck you, bitch. I'm taking

your car. I guess if you tell your wife that she's a piece of shit and that you will be taking your car, I guess that is part of asserting dominance. If you strand her at the house. I do think the vast majority of men who are borrowing their girlfriend's car and not taking the car through force are stealing your girlfriend's car. Yes, that is dominant. I'm taking your car and I'm going to the gay bar but I have to take your car so it's still straight and I'm going to the lesbian bar

to try to pick up lesbians um okay this one okay we're in a spell of driving ones um the next one here we're like going chronologically in a spell of driving ones um the next one here we're like going

chronologically through this guy's date yeah yeah yeah imagine going everything this obvious lesbian that this guy must be so like anxiety inducing because he's just like watching you like an inspector's writing down down after you like you know forget to use your blinker or something I would love if someone made a list of my behaviors and habits so that I could kind of get a clearer look at who I am in the world yeah I would hate it

I'm just losing it picturing this guy on a date with like what's her name Kima from like The Wire the lesbian cop from The Wire this guy's like something's off about this bitch yeah

so let's do okay I know they're driving can drive with her knee while rolling up weed once again I just really feel like we're conflating lesbian with like latina latina i think is what's happening here i think it's kind of lesbian there's a certain type of white lesbian who loves latina being latina there are many yeah there are are many white lesbians.

Also, it sounds like this guy was on... I know a lot of them. Also, I'm like, it sounds like this guy is on the best date of all time. He can't stop thinking about how lesbian this bitch is.

Isn't that a fantasy? I'll be honest it's like the worst date of all time I'm at dinner with a woman who is eating a crab and then driving her it's a great date you get to fuck a lesbian driving her low rider

with her knees rolling up if it were to do with a man who did exactly that I would be like oh oh my god, he's so hot. Ben, I think you might be gay. I think you might be gay. No one wants to listen to me. If you want to date with a man. No one will allow me to come out of the closet.

But I'm Ben. I do think it's lesbian, the driving with your knees and rolling a joint thing. And stupid, which is lesbian. So stupid, which is a lesbian thing. Okay, but there is a female driver thing across the board. The driving with your, like, kind of knee up, like, on the dashboard.

That's... What? I've seen so many... Or your foot up on the dashboard you know like your knees kind of by the window that seems like such a you've never seen a girl wait how could you use the pedal if your foot

is by the window and your knees on the dashboard you have one foot is on the dashboard your left foot is like up on the dashboard oh so this person has two feet so this person that you described does she have her appendix? Okay.

Does she have her wisdom teeth? Maybe. When's the last time she got a haircut? Never. When's the last time she got a haircut, Ben? Did she glue it back on? But it's a big female driver trait, I've noticed. Did she break any bones as a child?

One foot up. She hasn't broken any bones, but if she gets in a car crash in this position, she's going to break her fucking spine. Yeah, she's going to, yeah, you're going to die. It is such a crazy way to drive, but women keep doing it. That scares me. I'm scared of, like, having my feet up on the, even if I'm in the passenger seat or whatever, like. No way.

You know, every time I'm like, oh, I need to stretch, I'm like, this is definitely going to be the 30 seconds that, like, we get T-boned or something, and my feet are up on the dash, and, like, I lose my legs. be the 30 seconds that like we get T-boned or something. And my feet are up on a dash. I'm like, I lose my legs. I think the thing for me that elevates driving with your knees, your knee up, one knee up from being just female behavior to being lesbian behavior is the addition of rolling up here. You know, just the classic female knee up while rolling a blunt that's crazy lesbian wearing your seat belt is not

well it depends on the type of yeah i agree safety there's the there's the rule oriented so you can live another day to eat pussy exactly there's the mutual aid rule oriented lesbian who will say that you're violating consent by not wearing the seat belt but there's the i don't know that sounds like a babylon b-art i've met go to richwood but i there's another kind of lesbian who is just fully like I'm not wearing a seatbelt you know kill me now I think the one who

would roll up a joint with their while driving with their knees would not Hessa once made me promise that I would always wear a seatbelt even in Ubers I did and I do I promise Hessa I have to live so that i can that's a real thing that happened yeah i um i don't i don't wear seatbelt i mean depends on the drive

hessa hasn't made you promise because she doesn't care if you want promise to never wear a seatbelt is it okay she wants you to look cool at all times promise me you to never wear a seatbelt. I said, okay. She wants you to look cool at all times. Promise me you'll never wear a seatbelt so you always look fucking cool, man. Ben, can you please take more selfies on the ledges of buildings? I think they're so cool.

Especially when it's really windy outside. You should take more windy day photos on the ledge of buildings, Ben. Make sure the ground is visible. Make sure you buildings, Ben. Make sure the ground is visible. Make sure you're leaning in a way that the ground is visible. Ben, I love when you send me sidewalk pics from the top of a building. You should do that more often. Yeah.

Calling them sidewalk pics is so funny. It's like another sidewalk pic. Not a genre photo. People are like, what the fuck? People are like, what are you doing? Not a genre photo. People are like, what the fuck? People are like, what are you doing? Not a genre photo that exists. It is for me. I have a lot of sidewalk pics.

If I'm in, you know, need to show someone the mental state, I'll just send a pic of the sidewalk from my sixth floor window. I was out there yesterday. Would you care? Would you care? Just say, hey, what's up? And then it's a picture of the legend by building off.

Hey, how are you? I would be so mad. I would be. I had to get a. I was on the phone with Delta Airlines yesterday and I was like. She was at your boyfriend. Yes, my not my non-Bi-Hairy boyfriend, Delta Airlines.

Delta Airlines. I was on hold. Delta Airlines. I was on hold with my non-Bi-Hairy boyfriend. He put me on hold. You were on hold because they're polys.

They were on hold. My poly boyfriend. Put me on hold. Hang on. Let me put you on hold. We've got another caller. All of our agents are currently on the line. Please hold for the next available boyfriend in your polycule.

but no i was i was out there with the company corporation delta not the person um yeah but it's so hard to get a refund on tickets nowadays you should be able to tell me you just had coveted right right then and there but i was wow, I should add some urgency to my voice, some desperation to my voice. It will probably help. These tickets are ice cold. These tickets are ice cold. You fucking bitch. Before beating up

my non-binary boyfriend dealt to our lives. Before punching my phone. It's so hard that it breaks. But no, I just called him from my fire escape yesterday so I could have a sense of urgency and desperation in my voice and told him that I was having a family emergency and got a refund.

Yes. One thing I can't do is get a full refund elijah get a full refund for a ticket because the ship captain in the outer banks said that it was a family-only trip and that ben couldn't come fucking bitch wow yeah that's 90 year old man is keeping me from going to the beach he didn't want to have homosexual urges. He saw a picture of you and he said, no, keep that boy off my ship.

I can't. He said this five, nine baddie has wrecked my life. It's because of the lift. Five, nine baddie. This five, nine baddie.

This is so offensive. It's so funny because the lifts made me the average height they didn't even make me tall is gonna wreck my life if only he was five look at this fucking tall piece of shit. If only he was 5'7". He could come and I wouldn't even... Well, I'm done with the 5'9 lifestyle. It's too fast-paced for me.

Actually, funny enough, it made me walk slower. I mean, that's not... That seems natural. Being weirdly hobbled by a device. Play a machine in the shoe. Disabled. The contraption would make it very difficult.

Usually zipping around these streets like five miles an hour. It was very difficult to go 3.5. Being slow for the trade-off of being 5'9". It's just like, who fucking cares? No one did. Let's do one more.

Yeah. Alright, let's do one more. Before we do one more, we should say come to me. Come to me. Come to me. Come and see Grace and April's show

where I am going to be in it. That says top build on our show. I'm top build. I'm build among above... Tori Peters. Tori Peters and the kid from 8th grade. And everyone else on the lineup. The show is called Gay Aid. It's June

1st at the Bell House at 7, I believe. And tickets are in my everywhere. You can find them. Yeah, they'll be there. It's going to be a great show. It's next Saturday. Get tickets now. They're almost gone.

We'd love to sell it out, please. And thank you. Yes. And what they're almost gone and we'd love to sell it out please and thank you get them now and what's my character oh I can't tell you yet you're being a 5'9 gay guy 5'9 gay guy yep I'm the wife

who makes the cold the cold wife the cold wife can I be the husband that punches Hustler in the face yeah dry eyes you fucking bitch

I told you no more of this yeah we're interviewing a straight couple we're interviewing a straight couple on our fake telethon to save gay people love that they that. They should be a domestic abuse couple. Yeah.

Alright. You guys are a lesbian and a gay man who are married to each other and here's how they make it work. Beating the shit out of each other. Period. Getting the fuck beat up. While I steer with my knees. Get punched in the head

alright last one here this is a really random one sorry to do this to you guys on the last one but it reads just like this smells like outside if a woman smells like outside she might be a lesbian this

really just this date gets better and better she smelled like outside brother and suddenly suddenly you get those pants down and she's smelling like outside. I feel like this is just the absence of... What do you mean outside? Like fire? Like a campfire. Yeah, I can only picture campfire. Maybe like dirt? Other than that, if she smells like flowers,

that's nice. That's great. Yeah, flowers are outside. Water is outside. I don't think outside here has good connotations. I think this, they're thinking outside, like he was, he's dating like a homeless woman.

Who's rolling joints in her car. Who ate crab on his extremely rude to this woman. Who's willing to fuck him just for a place to sleep for the night. She's a lesbian. She doesn't even want to fuck him. She just needs somewhere to sleep. I see his boys being like, damn, this bitch smells like outside. He's busy making

a list of everything bad about her. He's introducing his girlfriend that he's been madly in love with for five months to his boys. And they're like, damn. She smells like outside. I totally get this one.

I'll be honest. I think it's lesbian. Camping, they're outdoorsy. You know. Right. They probably came right from camping to the date. Exactly. They're always camping. this outside is so cold okay nice it's so fucking cold outside

yeah all right well on that note guys go see Girl God and Friends at at the Bell House in New York New York City June 1st Saturday June 1st one night only incredible lineup it's gonna be great it's our big pride kickoff

S will be there S will be there and of course bonus episodes weekly on patreon.com slash secret arrangements and also check out Girl God's Patreon oh yeah it's patreon.com slash girl

god and you can just listen to our regular show for free it's pretty bad but it's a great show it's a great show we love it it's alright and Jerry Salts the great show we love it's all right and jerry salts jerry salts might be at the show oh my god jerry salts is gonna be there he might be there i i've been harassing him on twitter to come and he responded to me finally with a video of him saying april maybe i'll come and then he blows a big wet kiss

to the camera he's such a freak yeah he for some reason made a video you've got to get him on stage he's so cool that'll be next time I'm baby steps with this guy he should play the domestic wife

the wife beater beating Jerry's thoughts. Because he made you cold. Because he made you cold iced coffee. This coffee is so fucking cold! You know I like them hot. You know I like 17 of them hot for a day in my car. Alright.

Well, sorry, go ahead. Do you have anything to say, Ansa? Oh, sorry. Nope. Bye, everyone! Bye! Bye! Bye! oh sorry bye bye bye mwah

mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah

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mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH happy Oh sweet blindness, a little magic, a little kindness Oh sweet blindness all over me Four leaves on a clover I'm just a bit of a shade hungover Come on baby, do a slow

float, you're a good looking riverboat and amen Sweet eye blind just good to me Let's go down by the grapevine Drink my daddy's wine Good morning Down by the grapevine Drink my daddy's wine

Good morning Good morning, morning Oh, sweet blindness