Seeking Derangements - SD 319 - *Aztec Death Whistle* You Have Herpes
Episode Date: June 13, 2024Hello seekers! Hesse and I are back talking about how I almost punched a woman at Des Moines pride, the brand new Herpes/Chlamydia prank going around, where to blow an Aztec Death Whistle for maximum... impact and my parents having another kid because I looked so gay. Of course we also talk about Hunter Biden going to jail and how to enjoy Charli XCX's new hit album Brat when you suffer from Obstinance Defiance Disorder.
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🎵 Yeah, I mean, we can figure it out.
Welcome everyone to Seeking Derangements.
This is a free episode.
It's just me and Hessa here today.
If you want a bonus episode, you will have to subscribe to our Patreon.
Patreon.com slash Se seeking derangements but
hassa we were just talking about one of our favorite online content creators um underscore
ryan dot foley one of our kings um and he is one of those guys who i think probably used to be a drug addict definitely a porn addict as
he said a transgender addict as he said um he's giving meth vibes kind of yeah yeah i think he's
in like utah too which is like yeah big math country but he last year said something that has been stuck in my mind um for he's for anyone who can't picture him
he's he's a big corn-fed boy yeah who's built like his name is buzz basically yeah what he looks like
yes yes he's kind of he's a little like had he not smoked the meth, he would look very like Pixar quarterback.
Yeah.
But he said something last summer that I think has, it was a little bit of a harbinger for things to come for the way language is just totally just devolving. I feel like he said the phrase, let me, or evolving.
Yes, you're right.
You're right.
Sorry.
Here.
phrase let me revolving yes you're right you're right sorry here part of my testimony is i used to hook up with transgenders and i would make lgbtq decisions
okay that's basically the phrase lgbtq decisions is so funny because it's just
the acronym and no one even understands
this as an acronym anymore it is just like gay you know i used to make lesbian bisexual
transgender queer and questioning decisions like an insane thing to say it's like it's so cool
so funny to be maybe i'll go to baseball tonight this is what he's talking about he's like
yeah yeah i'll go to balsa but i do say to myself all the time time to make time to make an lgbtq
decision period same thing happened ellen page is doing a documentary ellen pages ellen oh
elliot page no that was not that was not an lgbtq decision Ellen Page is Ellen. Oh, Elliot Page. No!
That was not an LGBTQ decision.
That was an LGB decision.
Pre-episode.
That was an LGB decision.
Time to make an LGB decision.
Get out of this bathroom, bro.
out of this bathroom bro um but but elliot page is doing a documentary on lgbtq plus animals which period just the like that phrase is so so funny funny consider it is an acronym i'm like what it's sorry what is the plus animal elliot page
is working on like yeah we questioning animals i really um elliot page if you look at the projects
that he's working on making they're all so funny they're all like joke movies that we would make up
to like yeah like if there was something
called like them.us productions and there was like millions of you know meet the meet the author
who's queering being transgender with their new poems like yes it's that but in movie form
i will say i did get hooked from that description alone and i will be watching the
movie about lgbtq plus animals because i am curious how i'm curious how deeply they are going
to interrogate this concept if we get a questioning like flamingo or something i'm i'm gonna freak out
wait this is a good segue into one of my bets that I was gonna do for you what's your bet let's do it
this is this is um this is
Tony Soprano or not Tony Soprano
Tony Montana
showing a girl his
all of his exotic animals that he has at his
mansion okay
so this is my tiger
do you know I got a tiger
this is my lion
and right here that's my dinosaur do you know I got a tiger? This is my lion And right here
That's my dinosaur
Do you know I got a dinosaur?
Don't be scared
That's an herbivore
Do you know what a herbivore?
This is my gay flamingo
Do you know I got a gay flamingo?
These are my minions right here
I hate this
It starts banging on the cage
Fucking hate these cock-a-doodles domingo these are my minions right here i hate this starts banging on the cage wait did you recently watch did you recently watch scarface when you were drunk or something
no i was thinking of like um if dinosaurs were real that would definitely be one of the animals
he has on like a kid in a cage in in his house percent you know there'd be so
many like saudi guys with like pterodactyls yes i feel like a pterodactyl would be tough to keep
well they they were like like hawks and shit there's like hawks in dubai they would absolutely
be they would have like they would trade like pterodactyls to like deliver mocktails to women with like bbls and drake would be there how many how many hawks are in the are in the uae
or in dubai i don't know but i see all of these videos of guys like in in dubai or in like abu
dhabi with with that giant hawk
glove on.
They're just in the street. They do tricks
and stuff. It's really sick.
That's so scary to see someone with
that glove, but there's no bird.
You just know it's going to be coming.
Where is it?
Is it behind me?
Fuck, it's behind me!
Wearing that into a like a store freaking everyone out
yeah
whistling next to someone's head
speaking of freaking everyone out
I've um
kind of working I'm working on two new pranks
one of them is very conceptual
and one of them is
very
kind of mean.
I've gotten yelled at.
This is maybe the prank I've done that has gotten me the most yelled at.
Which one do you want to hear first?
The conceptual?
Really?
Conceptual art piece slaying DeColonial or one that is getting me screamed at by a lot of my friends?
I think I'm so excited to hear the screamed scream that but i want to hear the conceptual one
okay so i'm just gonna i'm just gonna you might want to turn the volume down i'm going to show
you before i tell you what this prank is okay prepare your ears everyone so we really get we
can't put that in the episode we have to take that out is bad is it how bad is it it's so bad it's really i'll
tell i'll i'll see if max can do some work on the levels there if not you may have just heard
um or maybe i can have max insert like a raw file of an aztec death whistle which is
the sound you may or may not have just heard um it is an incredibly incredibly scary sound um these are whistles that the aztec people used to
use before a battle they would surround um uh a warring tribe or something along a hill range and they'd all
have these whistles and they would blow them
and they would go to night. And the sound is somewhere
between... Has it, you know,
have you ever heard this bit of lore about
the Law and Order sound?
Where it's like
17 overlaid sounds.
One is like a judge's gavel. One is like
a prison door slamming shut. Another one is like sounds like one is like a judge's gavel one is like a prison door slamming shut
another one is like whoa another one is like uh those things that are more like a more refrigerator
closing it's like a bunch of like scary sounds overlaid like criminal sounds a bunch of law
sounds the sounds of law and order yeah the aztec death whistle sounds like 17 women dying,
layered over each other with a bunch of animals being killed.
It's a very, very scary sound.
But yeah, the Aztecs would blow this in the middle of the night
to scare warring tribes.
And I found that out and i was like immediately so
entranced and it would work on myself i'll say that much girl it's so scary it's so so i can't
i really can't tell if it's because it was pointed right at the microphone but it's like actually
like hurt my ears i was like damn yeah no i know i love the video blowing it out your window in
chinatown so that's one of my that's one of my pranks is um one of my new works is um
my new conceptual piece the sixth floor in an apartment and the street below me it's little italy i don't
care people people are just like don't tell me where you live well i'm not giving them my address
two i'm not it's like the densest it's also like telling telling somebody your street in new orleans
is like they can find you in manhattan i have friends who live on my block i have never once seen them like it's just you know
i don't you don't see them on the street you know i like hang out with them and stuff but like
i don't run into that many people so whatever i don't care i live in little italy and
i was thinking how funny it would be to blow the aztec death whistle at all of the hordes of
tourists below me.
Unfortunately,
I haven't been able to get a really good take of it because it was just bad
tourist season.
I was like hung over and I'm currently in Iowa,
so I can't,
can't really blow it at,
if I blew it at someone in Iowa,
it would be like,
they'd shoot me.
I don't know.
It'd be insane.
Yeah. And blowing it out of my car you guys can't see this at home but every time ben blows it he becomes a little bit more like
a skeleton his skin becomes grayer his eyes like yeah turn a little more yellow yeah he becomes like he's becoming like a zombie skeleton kind of figure imagine you're just
walking your dog or something in iowa and you hear this sound you turn around it's like a gay
guy creeping up behind you like it yeah it doesn't really work in this context unfortunately but once i'm able to get it a good take of it i'm gonna
you know i want to do a compilation of blowing the aztec death whistle in places you shouldn't
but i top 10 aztec death whistle owns
sorry i'm coughing every time i blow it i get a mysterious powder in my mouth it's so concerning it's full of dust or something ancient aztec i'll get it amazon.com
period so it's probably just plastic dust it's probably just like plastic no
no it's look at him he's also kind of hot
probably just like plastic no no hits look at him he's also kind of hot i see it he's kind of yeah it looks like rami malik yeah if he was aztec
um but when i did blow it once out of my window a little well i blew like six times out of my window literally but someone literally told me to shut up i'm like this is this is one of the scariest
this isn't like someone honking this is literally sounds like someone dying
and you're like shut shut the fuck up
well they panicked it's killing. The powder is really killing me.
You're literally dying from it.
Yeah, but I want to blow it on the plane.
I want to blow it.
I've wanted to blow it.
Blowing it on a plane would be so funny.
So funny.
Just so I want to do a TikTok.
Yeah, you get away with it.
I want to do a tiktok series of
you know blowing an aztec death death was some places you shouldn't plane golf course
chick-fil-a chick-fil-a would be amazing just going into a chick-fil-a and
funeral funeral at a funeral yeah at someone else's funeral drive by drive by aztec death was
not a funeral how about how about your funeral at your own funeral you play the aztec death
in the yeah my chosen my chosen song no this is the i'm gonna make the person doing my obituary
play my uh the best i've ever heard in my life my favorite song it's just an hour of
me doing the aztec death whistle never has to sit through it as they're lowering your
coffin into the ground like a 21 whistle salute literally literally it'll be amazing but you know
before jock went into his surgery guys by the way jock is doing fine he's he'll be back very soon but he's you know he's still recovering he called me and told me that
of course he was very afraid he was going to die which i was telling him he's not going to die
but he was like ben i swear like you gotta remember what i told you what i asked you
if i died and i was like what he's like remember my funeral and i
was like oh yeah you want to be shot out of a cannon so kind of sad i'm very happy he's still
with us of course but part of me is a little sad he didn't die so we could shoot him out of a cannon
at his funeral but one day hopefully if i outlive him I'll be able to light the cannon on his...
We're not sure if it's his ashes or if it's
his physical body. I'm kind of hoping
it's a physical body.
Yeah. And I think we should
aim it at you, if I'm being honest.
You know, one last fight
between you two.
I'm not giving it to him.
One last battle.
No! No! He won't win. Between you two. That's why you lose me. I'm not giving into it. One less battle. No.
No.
He won't win.
No.
If he died, if he died, I would finally let him win because guess what?
He's not going to know.
So I win.
I win still.
Speaking of not giving into things, i am refusing to listen to the new charlie xx album
brat i know that's very childish of me but i do literally struggle with odd oppositional
defiance disorder and i've realized the reason why i can't listen to Brat is because the marketing is very
overwhelming to me
and I feel like I'm being commanded to do something.
I feel like I'm being targeted.
You're getting sensory overload?
Well, I feel like I'm being targeted and harassed
personally by Charli XCX
and she's telling me I need to listen to her album
and I won't do it,
Charli. It's pretty good.
It's going to take me about about two years what about the new
gracie abrams album who the fuck is gracie you didn't see the video oh sorry i totally forgot
gracie abrams visiting her surprising her fans yeah it's like what the fuck i would i would i would shoot my i would cut off a leg to be there
to see i would let i if gracie abrams shot me and my entire family after meeting her i would
let her do it that's how much i fucking love the new mega pop sensation gracie abrams yeah what a sensation, Gracie Abrams. Yeah. What a stupid dog name as well. Sorry.
Gracie.
Gracie is really funny.
Gracie is such a dog name.
So you could blame him. The mystery
of us. Good God.
Of course I have no clue who
Gracie Abrams is.
Is this someone you genuinely like? No way.
No. I just discovered
who it is. I just discovered who... I just discovered them, like, today.
From Pop Crave.
Pop Crave...
Pop Crave loves pushing out a celebrity
no one's ever heard of before.
It's so funny.
Here's a hypothetical for you.
Okay.
If you...
Kill myself.
So there are two options.
There are two options. No, no, no. There are two options there are two options no no there are two options
the first one is you have to have sex with chapel roan and you have to be dressed in like one of
her outfits like she has to enjoy it
and the other option is
everything everything stays the same
the exact same
but there's a 1% chance
that the Nazis
won World War 2
that they went so hard
and they like went a thousand times harder
and they won
so sex with Chapel Road hard and they like went a thousand times harder and they won I'd take one for the team and I would
I would have sex with Chapel Roan
what if it was a point one percent
chance
point
one percent
chance that the Nazis win
if I don't have sex with Chapel Roan
yeah
and she enjoys it.
See, the thing about her enjoying it.
Well, that's very...
That's on her.
If she doesn't enjoy it, it's like Groundhog Day
and you wake up and it's the beginning
of having sex with her again.
Okay, so you...
Oh, good God.
For her to enjoy it that's like i have to do so much
i have to do so much she doesn't tell you what she's a lesbian she's a lesbian
uh-huh okay we're fucked we're fucked we're fucked no again i'm not gonna do it i won't
be doing it i'm not gonna do it no you can I'm not going to do it. No.
You can't tell me what to do, mommy.
Look, I'd give it my best shot.
But I would, I think, like, need to go through some several years of psychological training to be able to do this.
You need an intimacy coordinator i would like it to
happen somewhere in like somewhere far away no one can be there physically besides the
it has to be it has to be in um in your apartment and your roommate's home
i mean i really don't want the nazis to win but you're making it super difficult and your roommate's home.
I mean, I really don't want the Nazis to win,
but you're making it super difficult.
You're making it very difficult, Hessa.
And your roommate makes a TikTok of the sound from his room.
And it posts,
and it says,
Ben is going to town on this lesbian.
Maybe it's not of me puking.
Please enjoy it.
Please enjoy it.
I'm blowing the Aztec death whistle
in her face.
Oh, that's another good place to blow.
Blowing my Aztec death whistle
at a Chapel Roan concert.
Or during sex, I thought you meant.
Oh, also during sex.
Yeah, of course.
I got to try.
I can try that one out.
That'd be amazing.
Wow.
Just hard to film that.
Unless.
Unless I'm into it.
Yeah.
What if that was someone's kink?
The moment I come,
please blow this Aztec death whistle into my face.
The dust in it is really concerning me i'm gonna be honest yeah you gotta i should probably run
it in the sink or something yeah yeah yeah come to think of it i've had a
i've had a weird cough since i got the aztec death whistle i'm not even doing a joke here
do you think you're cursed it's all I've had a weird cough since I got the Aztec death whistle. I'm not even doing a joke here.
Do you think you're cursed?
It's all... I don't feel cursed.
I mean, I always kind of feel cursed.
I don't feel more cursed than regularly.
Yeah. I mean, it's a piece of
plastic from Amazon, so how cursed
could it really be? It is not plastic.
I sprung for the
one that's actually made out of clay
it's top of the line period
I kind of felt bad buying it from Amazon but I'm like
whatever
yeah kind of adds instead of buying it from a real
Aztec exactly
a real Aztec
business yeah
it kind of adds another layer to the
conceptual work I'm
I'm constructing, you know?
Mm-hmm.
So, okay, my other prank.
It's funnier, but it has, because like most things, it's a trade-off in life.
The funnier a prank is, the more mad your friends get at you for doing it to them.
Yes.
One of the classic bargains of life.
And I was going to do it to you while we were recording but i um unfortunately sent out so many of these texts through the google
voice number that google voice uh told me that i was either a ai bot trying to scam people or a telemarketer, which I am not.
I'm merely pranking. But I sent this text to maybe 40 people.
Okay. Is our Google voice suspended now or is it?
No, no. I just can't send this exact message anymore, unfortunately.
I see. And even if it was, know i you can i've created so many
google voice numbers so i was gonna send this to you but i can't so let's just say let's imagine
you get this text from a number you don't have saved in your phone okay this is a message from
your number and i can read it yeah you want to read it okay one second yeah
copied and pasted here um it i was howling with laughter oh my god you have no idea i was literally
like on the floor like crying sending okay because it is so fucking funny this is a message from tellyourpartner.org through an anonymous notification service
one of your sexual partners wants to let you know you may have been exposed to chlamydia and herpes
since you may not have any symptoms we recommend getting tested for more information including
how to find a free clinic please visit https slash slash tellyourpartner.org slash info.
If you feel you are getting this text as a form of harassment, please text back report.
Reply stop to head out.
And let me guess, you got hundreds of replies saying report in all caps.
No, no.
One of my friends actually
got tested.
Really? Oh my god.
That's so funny.
Well, then he was really mad at me.
And I was like, well, it seems like he needs to be tested
anyways. Yeah.
Period. But I did send
this to
three of my girlfriends in Iowa
who are all in a group chat and one of them was like
what the fuck i have one of them has a child she's like i'm not having sex and then another
one was like i i just got like i'm not like fucking around and another one got imagine you
get that text from like yeah imagine you have like a husband and you get that text and you're just fucking him and like the guy's trying to be anonymous about it
begging on the fact that you're being a whore and this like fucking a bunch of guys
weird weird you should probably get tested telling your husband he's like oh that's so crazy
but you should probably get tested though it's like we're monogamous.
We have a closed relationship.
One of your partners anonymously wants to let you know that you have herpes and chlamydia.
Sending it to one person in a polycule and it just collapses.
So, oh my god i wish i i wish i knew people in a polycule so i could destroy their their house of cards with this text message oh let's do it nuclear option yeah um
one of my friends got very mad at me because she was like that's not funny
i was like yes sorry yes it is it's pretty might be pretty funny. Might be mean, but it's fucking hilarious.
And tellyourpartner.org is a real website, by the way.
That's crazy.
In some way, I kind of feel like I'm... Does it cost money?
No.
Guess what? I've used it before.
Why do you think I know about this website?
Why don't you just use the real website for people?
What do you mean like go on tell your partner.org and type in i need to tell my partner and then send it oh oh i guess that's
true yeah that's true i guess i wanted to see if they respond if they respond and yeah yeah yeah
and on tell your partner.org you can't fortunately they don't let you have a
conversation through it if i remember correctly um but that would be funny if yeah i got hooking
up through tell your partner.org meeting guys on yeah you get you get you get that message you're
like i don't care i love you i miss you so much so it's sending news so it's sending news to tell
your partner.org where are you yeah the 2 a.m the 2 a.m's ending news to tell your partner.org where are you yeah the
2 a.m the 2 a.m you up text from tell your partner.org yeah your partner is up this is
reply report your anonymous herpes chlamydia ridden partner wants no wyd at 3 a.m where you at but i kind of feel like i kind of feel like i'm forever however much you may have been mad at me
for this one i kind of feel like i really invented a new very effective way um to combat sexually transmitted diseases and encourage testing because yes
absolutely i mean fear works fear is a very strong motivator and it's the mind killer
exactly exactly um but i think i mean at least you now know you don't have herpes or clementia or you know you do
and i wasn't thinking about the actual end uh i didn't think over this prank could go one of my
friends almost called a girl he had sex with the night before oh my god i know that would have been bad so bad so bad
and then another one of my friends who I
just pranked told him that it was a prank and
stopped him from calling the girl
but there was a moment I was like okay I went
you didn't even tell the that's so evil
to do that and then not even tell people
that you were joking they have to hear it
second hand
oh that was bad it's really difficult when you text 60 people
and then you have to follow up with all of them i would immediately if i got that text i would
immediately reply hi ben yeah one of my one of my girlfriends here was like it's probably fucking ben it's so it's so funny and it's actually really evil because it's kind of like the
opposite of the boy who cried wolf because they will get a text like this one day
and they'll be like oh it's probably then when it's it's probably real
it's pretty bad i should stop yeah but yeah i
wanted to send it to jock but then i realized it should definitely not send it to jock yeah
that would be bad that's yeah it would have been bad so i didn't i didn't i put my teeth back in
i thought that might cure it because we took him out and i got it so
yeah we should do a bit where we talk about how jock actually had to get all of his teeth removed
and now has giant dentures it's just four wisdom teeth in the corners of his mouth
yeah oh fuck ben they took they took out all my teeth besides the wisdom teeth ones
oh no my teeth i still got the bad teeth in.
Imagine what you would sound like
with no teeth.
I don't know.
Oh wait. I gotta tell you my
Do you want to hear my cool
pickup line that I came up with?
Someone you once hooked up
to from tellyourpartner.org wants to let you
know that you have herpes and chlamydia?
No.
No, no.
What is it?
But this is, I might have said this before on here,
but me and Paris came up with the best pickup line.
It was you go up to someone on the street and you say,
I'm having trouble breathing.
Call the number on my bracelet.
And then you show them your, And you have a medical bracelet.
And they call the number, but it's your number.
And you pick up.
Nice.
And you say, because you took my breath away.
And then you have their number saved.
They can't escape you at that point
because you have their number on your phone.
Exactly.
Okay, what if you do this?
You pretend to...
You go up to someone and you say um
hey i just got a new job um my whole family is dead okay my whole family just died last week
but my new job it sounds like you're begging for money from someone
no my new job needs an emergency contact can it be you because my whole family's dead
and then you give them the the form where they have to put in a phone number for the emergency
contact and then when it says relationship and then when it says relationship it already is
filled out wife yeah future girlfriend i think it is it is a little alarming for the second thing someone ever says to you to be
my whole family is dead i think that's a little bit of a jokey pickup line they know
they know you're joking you know yeah they like classically
i think you i'm gonna try that i'm gonna start carrying around employment forms with me so i can scare some gay guy at a bar yeah i here's here's
an idea here's a good one um you follow someone so that you you get their name then you photoshop
it onto the side of like a huge yacht and you go up and you're like like online or you follow like
in person until you hear their name like they go into starbucks
you know their name okay okay um it's like dalton and then like they get their coffee and you're
like all right dalton so you photoshop their name on the side of like a yacht like it's the name of
the yacht and you're like excuse me i just couldn't help but notice that your your name is the same as my the name of my
yacht first and last for sure first and last and address yeah their address is also on there and
their phone number and a picture of them on the side couldn't help but notice that mine the name
of my yacht is also dalton this is so weird born december 11th 1994 who currently resides at 109
spruce street what 026869941 that's your token
that's on my boat that's my boat's registration number that is what a small world my yacht has named after your exact social security number and your
mother's maiden name what your card security code it has a flag with your face on it hanging off the
back and half masked since your accident and then you put a chloroform rag on their face
since your accident okay i'll be honest yeah absolutely it Absolutely. I would say finally
someone who understands how I need to be loved.
Finally.
And then you get a text from them.
Your partner has
chlamydia.
Herpes and chlamydia. It's so funny
that it's both.
It's so funny.
It's so mean.
It's so, so mean.
But, I mean, herpes is fucked up
because you live with that one.
Chlamydia, I think it's just like a shot.
You're fine.
Whatever.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Right?
But they have to put it in your pee hole.
No, they don't.
Yeah, they put a syringe in your penis hole
and they inject it.
Oof.
You didn't know that?
No, I'm kidding. I don't think they they do that i think it's just a normal shot i think it's just a normal shot yeah um what else oh it's
des moines pride i almost um it was pretty fun um i went with my brother and my sister um which is kind of annoying because I'm like,
wow,
I'm cock blocking myself with my siblings right now.
Mm hmm.
But it's also because if your sister wasn't around,
you could get with your brother.
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
wrong.
But my brother,
me and my sister,
my brother,
like drinking at a bar, not in the gay area of town
beforehand and my friends are at pride is like come to pride how my brother i could tell my
brother was like i don't want to go because i gay guys are gonna hit on me like i knew that that was
going to be his problem because he is like yeah he's like five six like handsome cute guy he's like built
yeah i know for a fact he is the kind of guy who's gonna be preyed on by like
horrible horrible gay men yeah that's what i was also like i'd cock like myself even further
because he's gonna try to fuck my brother not me yeah so but we ended up going it was pretty fun i realized des
moines is a lesbian town because all the gay of course yeah gay men leave right like all the gay
men but there was so many like yeah lesbians tend to stick around i feel like they stick around
they stick the hell around and they and like it cliche to say, but they do like get married immediately.
And then like, you know, buy a house, landscaping company, you know, bunch of disabled dogs,
the whole thing.
They're the biggest townies and they love Des Moines.
But there are like so many like studs with their femmes, like Joker lesbians with like. What do you mean Joker lesbians with joke what do you mean Joker lesbians I've explained this on
the explainers on the lesbian list with Steven and Lily Joker lesbian is lesbian who can I guess
yeah it's lesbian who wears like a YSL style woman's suit with like slicked back hair that's like my length of hair is that it
no that's that's a little bit like the joker without makeup yeah that's a direct read i'm
thinking more although those lesbians do exist but they are all the head of they are all the
head of parliament of like a scandinavian nation though yes that's exactly like the pm of every or car like yeah yeah no joker lesbians are more they're fans of the joker
they're not necessarily you know trying to emulate the joker but it's a lesbian with a snap back and like a lined up haircut like a black guy like a fade
and oh like that girl on uh on instagram reels there's so there's so many of them on instagram
reels yes yeah there's so many of them and they're just like yeah my wife she's starting a
gusher company please support her she's been trying to she's starting to cut she's starting a gusher company. Please support her. She's been trying to... She's starting a company where she puts
chamoy on gushers.
She's been working really hard at this.
And then they bite their lip and raise their
eyebrows and then they...
Yes, yes.
They go like this.
Love them.
Love them so much.
I'm trying to think of a funny name for a lesbian gusher company.
I think like
sarah's squirters or something yeah squirters yeah yeah squirters squirters yeah for sure episode
title squirters yeah uh yeah pride was fun i was i did enjoy being around a bunch of lesbians um
i did almost punch a woman in the face but don't worry she was
cis and straight so i would have been well within my rights to do that yes what happened
she's being a dumb bitch she's being really annoying she what did she do she touched me
first and for the record i did not punch her i did not do anything physical to this woman
uh i don't even know who she was, to be totally honest with you.
But she was with a group of girls that I was hanging out with.
Yes.
She was with a group of girls that I was hanging out with.
And they were going for like a wedding party or something.
And this girl in particular, I don't know her name.
Never met her before in my life.
Didn't even know most of the women in this wedding party.
Never met her before in my life.
Didn't even know most of the women in this wedding party.
But there's this tiny, like tiny, compact girl who is like super drunk.
I'm pretty sure she was on mushrooms.
And she was mad that I was there. When you say tiny, do you mean like two feet?
Yeah, like maybe an inch tall.
Like she was like a buck.
She was like a buck.
Okay, okay, okay.
Like what's that movie called?
Indians in the Closet or whatever?
Indian in the Cupboard?
Yeah, yeah.
Indian in the Cupboard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was kind of giving Indians.
The Closet is the gay porn parody.
That's a different movie.
Sorry, that dunce.
Oh my god.
The ethnic death was killing you.
Dude.
If it does, that would be iconic.
If I die for my art. Yeah.
If I die for my TikTok art.
Yeah. But yeah, so she was mad you were there why
she was she was she was she was just she was like she was like so just like petite and i was like oh
this is just like not my first time being around a petite drunk skinny woman who has a problem with
me i know how to handle this it's like very easy but she was mad i was there because she didn't
know me and i was like she was like what are you doing here i was
like bitch who the fuck are you bitch i'm at pride what are you doing here why are you in a prom dress
because she was at a wedding before and i was like why oh did you wear did you buy it at a
kohl's to come to pride bitch and then she was like fuck you like i'm here with my friends who
do you know and i was like i know two of them and she was like oh really and i was like yeah and i was like who do you know bitch and my sister was there and
she pointed to my sister she's like that's my best friend i'm like that's my fucking sister you
dumbass what are you talking about i was like i don't know and she was like no it's not my best
friend and i was like i i said my sister's name and she looked over and i was like do you know this person because she's like she's your best friend i'm just like who the fuck is
that and i was like fuck you bitch i was also really drunk and i thought we were doing some
i thought we were kind of playing you know yeah because it got like a bit that's like a fun
exactly i thought i was doing a classic bit with an anorexic drunk woman. I'm so used to doing this.
Where we scream in each other's faces.
It happens all the time to me.
I hope you die.
I hope your family kills you.
You broke bitch.
Where'd you get that at?
Sears?
You fucking cunt.
Bye, bestie.
See you later.
Text me.
Love you. You have plemedia, by the way. You have herie. See you later. Text me. Love you. You have
chlamydia, by the way. You have herpes
chlamydia.
But, no,
we found out that
I was not joking with this woman because she
grabbed me. She touched
me. She grabbed my arm
and
I realized in this moment that I might have to punch
this woman because she was so strong
whoa she was like it was like i felt i felt like i was getting do you know that lady who went on
oprah who lost her face because a chimp ripped it off yeah that was just thought that was gonna
happen to you yeah yeah yeah i was like oh'm going to have like a giant blob face because someone gave this woman
a Xanax.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Someone shoot her in the neck with a ketamine blow dart.
Like I need her down now.
Call animal control.
Because she was so, so strong.
I can't even.
I can't even describe how scared I was.
Because I think she was like a pilates diva or something because yeah then i looked at her arm and she was fucking shredded
like okay this is and i was like queen do you have did you get her number
no i know no thank god my my sister slash her bestie ran over and was like, get your hands off my brother!
And then we left.
That's my best friend
pointing at your sister.
That's my best friend.
That's so funny.
So she didn't know anyone in your group?
No, she knew like half of them.
She knew like half of them.
But I didn't know. So I knew I had two girls
on the inside of this wedding party.
Everyone else knew each other.
The drunk bitch.
The Pilates queen.
Did know a lot of people at the wedding party.
But I'm also like.
Once you bring a wedding party to Pride.
If a couple gay guys join.
Because they know a couple of the other girls.
In the wedding party.
Sorry what?
Yeah.
Why are you mad? sorry but this is pride can the faggot literally faggot section please we're trying to girl out yeah she's definitely a closet lesbian it sounds like
that's why she works out so much step so she can have a modicum of control over her life
you know yeah yeah no literally i
i was like i'm gonna have to punch this bitch but i didn't because thank god my sister saved me
but i did not i was not getting the sense that she was gonna loosen her little chimp grip on my arm
it was scary it was scary and she had like still maybe that's the curse look look at your arm
is there like a bruise on it like a skull she's also grabbing look i do have a bruise oh my god
there actually is a bruise she grabbed me there i have two bruises she grabbed me there okay and
then there's another one here and you can tell there there's literally a bruise on both arms
that's crazy they're fingerprint bruises because they're just
pin points of pressure.
Look. Yeah.
That's crazy. Is that not insane?
No, I know. That's why I was like, I'm gonna
have to like kick her in the
head because she's not gonna let go
of me.
It was so fucking scary.
Anyways, how's your pride been?
Have you done anything for pride?
Period.
I've gone out a few times.
I did the Girl God show.
I did. Oh, nice.
I've gone to Singers a few times.
Okay. Pride.
What else have I done?
Yeah. Well, it's also not.
I hate New York City pride.
Pride in general.
Actual pride festivities kind of suck. The regular gay part that's not really doing anything that's fun unless you're
in a random place like des moines iowa and you're like okay i've got to see what this pride is like
rebecca black performed yeah she was the headlining act i'm just like did you meet her did you
interview i did not interview her no i know i know someone who changed the sir but i didn't
I did not interview her.
No.
I know someone who was a producer,
but I didn't... She didn't perform Friday.
Period.
If I were her,
I would have changed the lyrics of Friday
to be Pride Day
and then re-sing it.
Yeah.
Or Saturday,
because it was on Saturday.
Mm-hmm.
Wouldn't it be amazing?
One other thing I found out
while I'm in town
is that
my mom and my dad
decided to have my younger sister
because I looked
so gay.
If that makes sense.
They were like, we gotta get one
that he'll look like a man next to
no logic because they wanted to make sure that they had that they could have
grandchildren and i have an older brother who has a child right yeah but they were like what
if the eldest dies or is infernal or something gets his gets his cock chopped off in
a wood cutter or something i have no idea what they were worried about ripped off by pilates
woman at pride exactly exactly um so what if that happens to the eldest ben is clearly gay. And he's not going to be having children.
So they're like, okay, we better have another one just to have our bases covered.
I'm like, that is psychotic.
And my mom was like, just to prepare.
That's why we had your younger sister.
And I'm just like, what the fuck?
But then I was looking at baby pictures and like toddler pictures.
And I was like, okay, yeah, this this makes sense this makes absolutely so much sense because i i feel
the same way looking at baby pictures of myself it's like oh my god this is so funny i'm just
like literally little gay little flat like flouncy poses no literally and i was like okay i guess this makes
complete sense but i'm like now my sister my sister is literally indebted to me for life
because i'm so gay that's why she was invented and i don't know if she i don't know if she's
ready to hear that tea ready for that tea to be spilled yet but one day one day if she's ever mad at me i'll be like oh you know why you even exist
it's because i'm gay bitch it's because i'm super fucking gay that's why you were born oh you're
you're not gonna make a fresh cup of coffee guess what
you're only here because of me so you're basically my slave because i'm because i'm super gay
and i'm so gay i scared our parents
i'm so gay my parents that our parents had a crisis
i'm just like it's so the logic is so crazy until you truly until you see a picture
because there's no denying
that that is
flaming
flaming
faggot and you know you were acting
gay too for sure
oh yeah oh yeah you were running
around like
JVN
floating floating around like
a plastic bag
in the wind, I'm sure. Wafting around.
Absolutely.
Talking about JVN.
Yeah. Well, I also looked evil, too.
I feel like it's going to be
an evil fact.
You look nice.
The baby pictures?
Yeah, you look like a little baby.
Very mischievous.
Very devious. Very evil.
Maybe that's just me.
Maybe that's just what I see.
Yeah.
You see your inner soul.
You see the Aztec death whistle within.
Dude.
I cannot wait to get back to New York City
and blow this out my window.
I just need to get the dust
out of there anyways what else is going uh hunter biden going to jail i don't know he got found
guilty i know of what the federal gun charges player yeah he's cool what did he do with a gun
did he like is there a video of him like sucking it off or something? Yeah, I think there literally is.
It is something like that.
I smoking,
turning a gun,
turning a gun to a crack pipe.
Yeah,
literally.
They,
they turned,
um,
they,
there was like news that testimony was like,
um,
they had a woman there who was testifying.
Oh,
he was smoking crack.
He was waking up up rolling over in bed
and smoking crack every single morning
and it turns out
that was his defense team
brought that woman in to say that
which is really funny
that's how you know you're dead
the line of thinking is
like oh he was so incompetent
or like so addicted to crack
they're trying to blame the
crack yeah it's just like yeah it was the crack not him he was cracked out by it i'd buy it
convicted of he purchased a revolver uh oh because on the gun form he said i'm not using or addicted to drugs oh come on yeah that's that's like bullshit
yeah like he gets he bought it that's so crazy
yeah so sorry everyone in this country can buy a gun besides crackheads
is that that doesn't seem fair to me and plus everyone who everyone in florida is a crackhead
like i feel like it's an unspoken rule 25 years in prison that's crazy even you could take your
average florida resident even if they're not smoking crack compared to the vast majority of
this country they are a crack head like they are acting yeah you know so yeah absolutely wow wow the legal precedent
that this is going to set for the entire country is going to be disastrous for gun owners what if
they make what if they make aztec death whistles illegal and if you're using drugs when you buy an
aztec death whistle you get 25 years in jail i'm not giving mine up yeah okay you have to pry it
from my cold dead hands i spent 50 on this it's part of my practice and i'm not it's not part of
your practice i believe in the aztec religion the one that sacrifices people absolutely i do whatever the hell they were doing i'm down for who it's so who would you
sacrifice if you had to sacrifice john gonsolin one person i'm kidding i would never sacrifice
jock um well it's so easy there's so many people i talk yeah yeah yeah but you have to pick one
charlie xx really not because i hate her i think it'd just be funny right now
on like an altar if she would sacrifice not by me i wouldn't do it i don't want to know it would
have to be you it would have to be you you're on top of like a ziggurat like an aztec pyramid and you have to do like you have a
ceremonial knife joe biden's an immediate easy you have like yeah hunter biden again it's kind
of like joe no i would never oh i would yeah joe but joe's an easy answer because he's going to be dead any minute
hopefully
Hillary of course
JVN of course
I mean the usual suspects
right yeah I'm trying to
think of one that'd be fun
I mean any comedian
would be fine because they'd probably make a bunch of jokes
right before
what would you say would your last words be
if I was about
to get sacrificed
by me
by you
my last words would be like
you have herpes and chlamydia
go get tested ASAP
an anonymous partner from
tellyourpartner.org wants to let you know that you have herpes and chlamydia you need to be tested asap an anonymous partner from tell your tell your partner.org wants to let you know that
you have herpes and chlamydia you need to be tested as soon as possible i would say i can't
breathe call the number on my bracelet god i wish google hadn't banned me from sending those text
messages out i wanted to send them to so many more people it's fucked up i guess i can just modify the language yeah and send it back out and they
said i'd never come up with another massive an amazing google voice prank but i did and you said
that that's you said that about yourself yeah yeah but you are i i am they but i was wrong yeah but i was wrong um
until my next one i don't know i need to think of another one this one was so good
this one was so good it was a little dangerous that calling people and telling them is a little
because they what if they contact their old part with their partners well they would do it through
tellyourpartner.org they have the option to do it anonymously it's a spreading prank it's like it
exactly and you know what my friends one of my friends told me to send it to my friend maya
and i sent it to maya but it was a different Maya who I do not remember.
So I did send it to a stranger.
Yeah, and I did accidentally send it to a stranger named Maya.
And that one I do feel bad about because if you send it to people you know,
they're kind of in an immediate, you know, channel.
They know that there's a mischievous gay man in their orbit
that is pulling strings to make their lives worse
no because i i want my friends to get tested i want them to stay healthy and i want them to not
have herpes or chlamydia and i'm also introducing them to this beautiful service that they can use
um but yeah maya there's a woman named may Maya out there who kind of knows a gay guy.
Yeah.
Named Ben.
I'm sorry, but I hope you don't have herpes or chlamydia.
You might, though.
I hope you got tested because we don't know you.
Yeah, we don't know her.
We don't know her.
We'll see.
We'll see. What else is going on what else
do we want to talk about today which one of which one of us is herpes and which one is chlamydia
do you think
well jock is chlamydia just in chlamydia it makes you like ooze green liquid
oh yeah i think so i think is that gonorrhea makes your pee burn right wait let's see what
chlamydia does yeah let me google chlamydia also beautiful chlamydia graphic image
let's see what chlamydia does i'm sure all of our all of our horror listeners are already
when you listen to a podcast and someone can't remember a word all of our
absolute slut listeners are screaming out all of the symptoms of chlamydia right now
yeah oh there's some funny all ages but it's most commonly uh as most common found in young women
um and then you have chlamydia don't develop symptoms,
but they can still affect others through sexual contact.
Symptoms may include genital pain
and discharge from the vagina or penis.
Okay, that is right.
So it does make you ooze a horrible green liquid.
You know, discharge,
that's Hunter Biden better beat discharge
of the gun charges exactly
they should have gotten you in there for the defense right i would have done such a good job
you do it you there's such a gross picture i just saw a horrible picture i know i think
we just did you see that one i think yeah i just we just saw the same picture at the same time
that was really that's okay i'm really i'm very sorry for telling my friends they have
that that is horrible that is totally unexcusable for me to convince maybe 60 people they have that
i'm very sorry i did not know what it looked like i'm very very sorry we saw it at the exact
same time that was great dude that was horrible i literally threw my phone fool i'd kill myself
maybe that guy just had a fucked up penis though yeah maybe he had like a prehistoric chlamydia
yeah because that it looked really bruised and discolored everywhere
and then it was oozing
it looks bad
horrible snot like mucus liquid
but yeah
I think we just saw
an ugly penis
I think we just saw
if you tried sucking that it would make an
Aztec death whistle sound
oh good god if you tried sucking that it would make an aztec death whistle sound i wonder how bad it sounds
i want to leave it what sense yeah yeah yeah it's really bad you blew on it for a really long time
also well they want the listener to get the full experience it's so funny to yell at
jock for screaming on the show and when he's gone
yeah an aztec death whistle maybe
sound of all time for a full
yeah um would you
um would you
okay here are the two options
one
okay is you get chlamydia
um but you know you have chlamydia but you know you have chlamydia
but you have to get a treatment and it's the treatment I said
where they put a needle through your pee hole
sure
or two
the other option
whenever you come ever
you make an Aztec death whistle
noise so loud that it
like damages hearing.
Yeah, that would be...
Describe me something really cool that I think
gay guys would love. They'd love like...
They would love
if when you come... They would love the experience.
Open your mouth and the
scariest noise of all
time comes out.
Yeah, absolutely.
Of course. It's not even a question i personally i love the noise i
think the noise is really cool and if i had to hear it every time i busted i wouldn't really
mind and i think it would prove it'd be a way of weeding out the fakes yeah you know because you
love me but you love my ass like that's what's all screaming yeah if in also though in this scenario
you have sideways eyelids that close sideways instead of normal like a second layer like a
reptile or do my actual eyelids just like become fucked up your actual eyelids close sideways
yeah all the time every time i blink or just when i'm doing the
aztec death whistle thing um which is not what i call coming every fourth time you blink
plus the aztec death whistle busting noise yeah
well i'm already really insecure about my eyes is the thing if i had normal eyes i wouldn't
really care but i'm also i'm very insecure about how intense and scary my eyes can be
so yeah starting to close they started to blink sideways i don't think i'd have any friends
yeah i would definitely be a little afraid of you
that was the case if you made an aztec death whistle sound because
that would spread around pretty fast i think i think everyone in town would know well see i i
would not i would i would maybe start that rumor myself like i think that's pretty cool i love that
yeah i love that about i love that about me but the eyelid thing would but i couldn't i'm gonna
start that rumor about you did you guys hear ben's
has like reptile eyelids that close sideways sometimes
i would i guess i just get i guess i just get the shot because what's what's a minute of pain
versus a lifetime of embarrassment you know yeah then and i i lit insecurity okay yeah i'm getting the shot but it what if in the in the reality where you get the shot
there's a one percent chance that hitler goes hard and the nazis win world war ii
i mean i love people and i don't want people to die you know yeah i really love humanity so much
but i guess you know i'll do the noble thing and i'll just start to what i'll do this is how i'll
make it because you can eyelids will you can time my eyelids will close from the outside in that'll
happen but if anyone ever says why
do you eyes do your eyes work like that and i'll say well why do you think hitler's dead
huh yeah i saved i saved your fucking ass from hitler becoming supreme leader of the world
because my eyes look like this and then they would say thank you so much for your service
it's totally normal to speak that way and for your eyeballs to look like that.
And I really want to make you calm so I can hear the Aztec death whistle sound.
And that's how I meet my husband.
And you have herpes and chlamydia, so please get tested.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, what do you think?
We wrap it up?
Yeah.
Wrap it up yeah wrap it up
I think this has been a fruitful episode
of talking about amazing news
amazing episode
guys
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arrangements and until next time have a nice day bye Bye. Bye. This must be true love, yeah True love
This must be true love, yeah
This must be true love, yeah
This must be true love, yeah
This must be true