Seeking Derangements - SD 324 - Going Nuclear

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Welcome back seekers! While we love being a podcast of the people, we are fed up with getting zero recognition from the mainstream media and professional podcasts alike. And that's why we have resorted to throwing the first punch at the most successful shows in the game, according to NY Mag. That's right, we are bullying the top 10 podcasts in the country right now, viciously and without remorse. Also we talk about a new gay ringworm, the time Jacques invented a never before seen variant of ringworm (it might be the gay one we don't know) and discuss the war within the democratic party.

🎵 And welcome everyone to Seeking Derangements. It's Ben. I'm here with Hessa and Jock as usual. It's a free episode. So if you'd like a bonus episode, subscribe to our Patreon. Seeking Derangements.com or patreon.com slash Seeking Derangements. Bonus episode every week. Guys, i'm sorry to tell you this it's something that i found out over the fourth of july weekend and i do feel obliged to let our many many lgbtq plus listeners know this

there is a new ringworm going around the new york city area and it is affecting mostly men who have sex with men. Two people have it. It is anti... It is resistant to viral whatever the fuck. I don't know. It's resistant to the medicine that they're giving these guys. One of the people I was hanging out with this week and told me that a guy died. I don't know if that's true, but I have

confirmed. You can't die from ringworm. I want to stress something. If it's gay ringworm though. I want to stress something really important right now. I had a ringworm for a year and like six or seven months, and they wanted to name the type of ringworm after me. Jockworm. I got it from being a camp counselor at Episcopal School of Acadiana. What year?

Oh, my God. I mean, this could have been 2007, 2008. Do you think it could have fucked its way to New York City? Yeah. I don't know, but look. The jock strain kills a little game. I got to say that it was obviously a bad idea to let the campers have a mud fight. And a lot of the campers got ringworm.

And a lot of the parents pulled them out of that camp. But they wanted to name it after you because... It had lasted so long on me. Okay, but do I think it's going to kill anyone? No. And also, if you listen out there... A guy named Chase told me that someone died from it. Well, first of all, can you really trust anyone named Chase? He's basically a...

It was hard for me, but after he won me over and I do trust him now. I agree with you on initial impressions. I wouldn't trust someone with that name. But he's a great guy and I do trust him. I don't think he's that great of a guy, honestly. His name is Chase. and i think he needs to i think he needs to free the money and let it go to um us free the money free the money oh you're doing a connection to chase bank right now

no i think you're i think you're confused but i just want to say hashtag free the money. Hashtag seeking derangements. Hashtag Jacques is back. Um, period. Um, Ben is looking at me with confused. I'm just trying. I'm trying to find these slanted eyes. It's okay.

If you are so gay that you have to worry about ringworm at all, then you need to, I don't even know how that happened. Sorry. I had an you having sex on the sidewalk like what are you doing I haven't had sex with a man in like 6 or 7 months the thing about the ringworm is it's found in the genitals

like the gooch and the penis and the balls I'm assuming also I'm assuming also the butt as well. Two men do have it. What's the perineum? Is that what the gooch is called? Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you for being a medical. Sounds like a part of a really rich lady's house. Welcome to the perineum. We converted the horse carriage into the perineum. Next to the solarium is the perineum. And then right next to the candelabra from the perineum. Next to the solarium is the perineum. That door right there,

that's straight to the masturbatorium. Masturbatorium is where everyone jerks off onto a cracker after dinner. Yep. So neither of you are afraid of the... I have not had sex with a man in seven months.

And I didn't have sex till last weekend for like five or six months. It's starting to explain some recent behavior. It's starting to be... Yeah. Look, Austin... You know, I used to say that I would nuke Austin first. And after... Then you realized how many big titted bitches bitches live there

you said save it no y'all i was lying about austin i forgot how many rockabilly bitches how many bonnies live there i used to make fun of their five dollar gourmet tacos and honestly this weekend i had some tacos and they were the best ones i had ever had in my life. I had gallon I had 72 ounces of smoothies and cold press juice every day. minutes last episode. Well, look, I'm just saying life life was good. Life was good. Life is good. I might be in an 80 degree apartment right now living. Oh, and I can't wait to throw my ankle up in the air for y'all to see. I was trying to take care of a dog yesterday

picture of your cankle or oh that was frightening that was an older pic that was you from last night you all need to see what it looks like today dude that's pretty swollen you oh hitting the dab you should get it fixed I don't even care i don't know that's with the ankle you just gotta leave it like if it's you just gotta leave it it's honestly just just be rougher on it start running around put some pressure on it you know jump up and down hit it with the hammer a couple times you know don't let that thing win that's what i would tell you look i have to climb up these tiny little spiral staircase y'all can see them right there and to get to the loft i'm the ankle's gonna fall

off probably but i'll have it i always thought you'd be better on on a kind of wheel yeah get a wheel tracy tracy morgan style morgan style i. By injury or diabetes, you're going to be on a wheel one way or another. I think if I lose a leg limb, I would maybe commit suicide. Now why would you do that? I just don't know if they would be as strong as my current legs, and that would upset me. I think, honestly, I think a lot of prosthetics are stronger. I keep getting this Latino Peloton ad.

I don't know why, but there's a really hot guy in it with one of those prosthetics. Blades. Blade-style prosthetics. Yes. And it, like, makes him, like, hotter. Yeah. When they're, like, they look, like, metal sharp. Yeah.

It kind of looks like a thin, like, fin, and it looks super bouncy. I'm like, when you see that on a hot person, it's kind of like, whoa. Wait, are you saying... I think disabled people come in all shapes and sizes and levels of desirability,

and I have certain tastes like anyone else. So of course, to answer your question, yes, there are busted disabled people, and I have certain tastes like anyone else of course to answer your question yes there are busted disabled people and I do stand by that because what I heard was Ben thinks all disabled people are busted no I don't I heard something different

a few seconds ago from Ben but in Alexander McQueen's 1999 fall winter fashion show there was a model who was a um uh what's it called paralympic athlete who had two prosthetic legs carved out of wood that were like carved out of pure wood that alexander mcqueen designed and they were like so cool see jock you could do something like that and it's fashionable

get the McQueen leg can I be honest here well this is a public episode it is a free episode you can be honest there is a guy here who um he has a gun to my head

be honest he needs Doc he Doc's friend of mine. No, no, no, no. I'll be honest, y'all. The address is 472 Springdale Avenue. I got sorta dumped by a girl a while back for a guy who had just lost one of his legs. And I feel like if i just lose one limb she might win well you're gonna have to no she might do she might you're gonna have to lose two

she might think you're copying yes and also i don't i would just don't i you know how did he lose his limb i don't know exactly what happened but he got stuck in the railroad track when a train came by. Hey, but he got the girl back. He got the girl. I mean, eventually he lost her, but that's besides the point. The point being... So no one has her now.

Yeah, no one knows where she is. She's been missing for four years. No, no, no. He lost her just like that leg, man. No, no, no. I blocked her recently. Wow. Period.

Period. Well, let's hope she's blocked from listening to the podcast. No, no. She only. Shout out to her. I think it's uncourteous if you're throwing an event together to drop out of the event, like a DJing affair, like a few out of the event like a djing affair uh the like a few hours into i know you're so pissed when you start talking like a lawyer when you talk what you think a lawyer

talks like which is like a victorian like dowager it's like like a gossipy bitch at a party you're concealing so much burning anger and spite when you're like, I personally just find it a little discourteous to withdraw an invitation to a... You know you just want to call her a dumb whore or something. No.

No, it's a dumb thing. Woof. Woof. Woof, brother. I have something we can I have something that we can address let's do it if it's about your odor look none of us are going to judge you

I just think it's something that you might want to work on between the three of us right now I will say that I look the smelliest because I am the smelliest I know that for a fact you're the smallest? smelliest because I am the smelliest. I know that. I know that for a fact. You're the smallest smelliest because I have, you know, I have to shut off my air conditioner.

I was inside Manhattan courtroom all day, which they have. They don't air condition it. You just don't have a good body. It is actually so fucking broken. This city, they don't air condition it. And every single water fountain was out of order.

And I was on like four different floors of the court building. It was driving me insane. And you should have seen how pissed off all these old Chinese ladies were. He takes it. They were so fucking mad. I've never heard of someone taking it so far. I was thinking that I was going to be the biggest bitch in the room, but no. No way.

They were yelling at some of the court clerks, just being like, we need water. It's too fucking hot. And no one was listening to them. It was fun, though. I'm officially free of jury duty, though. I beat the selection. And I didn't even have to say any slurs. Walked up there, hello.

No, I think I look gay and homeless enough. I didn't even have to say the n-word or something to get out of jury selection. If they described the case to you and they were like, this is the longest case of all time. It's the boringest case of all time

and you're about to be on the jury. What do you say? What would you do to get off? What's the boringest case of all time. And you're about to be on the jury. What do you say? What would you do to get off? What's the maximum limit? So what I wanted to do today was I wanted to tell the judge my new selfie technique. Because I don't want to go. I don't actually want to go racism. I kind of want to just go like autistic or just be like really random and like kind

of retarded and not understand the question or, you know, the environment we're in much like, you know, certain behaviors we're all, you and I are very accustomed to here. I kind of wanted to go a certain mode, if you know what I'm saying. And I wanted to tell the judge about my new selfie technique, which I think is kind of revolutionary. You hold your phone from the front. Okay. I'm demonstrating with my new HIV AIDS awareness project red iPhone.

You hold your phone from the front sideways and then you take it like that. And actually does something really interesting. It inverts like the the camera or whatever. Or your vision of it is inverted. So you have to really strain to see what you look like. Are you stoned? What the fuck are you talking about? You're messaging

rockabilly bitches. No, no, no, no, no. Put the phone down. No, I had to message my therapist who said, where the fuck are you? It's not my fault you can't run a schedule. We had a different

time earlier. What did you say to them? I just meant, I forgot to account for Fuck you, I'm working. No, I just said I've been stressed and moving. Y'all, seconds before this recording even started, my computer just died.

Yeah. Perhaps permanently. Perhaps permanently. I'm a little nervous to even deal with that issue. Well. I guess I'm really dead now. I'm sure your computer's fine. Do you want another fully paid month off?

No. Shut up. No. No. month off. No. Shut up. No.

No. No. I just made it back in the riverside. Of course we're kidding. We're kidding. Speaking of. Speaking of podcasts. Speaking of podcasts.

Yes. What about them? The. The best. The New York Magazine. Stop showing us your scalp. It's really disturbing. Stop. I'm not doing it on purpose can you shut the fuck up

take it back New York Magazine has released their list of the best podcasts of 2024 we're seeking derangements we're number one we are not on the list you guys you're being dead serious I'm being deadly serious

so why are we reading the list I don't want to hear my enemies. Read them. We're reading it because I want to do something where I am going to ask I'm going to tell you the name of them, Jacques and you tell me what you think they are. This is easy. I'm an identifier.

And then we're going to tear them apart before we move on to the next one. That's the thing, Hesse. We do have to tear them apart before we have to. OK, that's the thing. So we do have to tear down these podcasts because, look, I'm not surprised we're on the list. We're a ragtag street fighting group of vagrants. OK, yeah, no way. People's podcast. We're the people's podcast.

We're never going to be accepted by these. Yes, I'm saying it right now. We'll never be accepted by these horrible liberal institutions because we threaten their power too much. Especially Jock. They would never put us in their little rags. Because we're too powerful. We're too threatening. And the only

way we'll get the media exposure here is if we tear down the big guys. There's someone outside of Ben's room honking a horn. It's John Lvett of positive america he's scared i'm telling you i'm so i'm so excited it's positive america i'm sure i'm sure that i i don't know any of them but i just want to clarify if um biden moment let biden moment let me i want to initiate this by just asking is this american life already on there because i mean i listen to that as a radio show i don't know

it's it's so many it's so many horrible spinoffs of this american life called like you know the junkies first i think podcasts are starting to do the thing now that we're just like one word called like you know burial or something okay hassa please hit it with me good that's a good prediction because the first one is called animal what do you think the podcast animal is about the job consulate story okay it is it is a it is a health and wellness there's a podcast about me no it is a health and wellness podcast that focuses on sex and relationships that um relates uh primal animal instincts to everyday human life okay that actually sounds so much like it could be right that i'm gonna look it up right now.

It doesn't sound... Look, I'm just thinking. I'm being creative here. I'm a marketing executive. I'm a creative director. I am... Oh my god. This is so fucking stupid. Is it a diet podcast? No, it's the

is it about factory farm production here is the description in a broken world what can we gain by looking another animal in the eye good god episode 3 manatees

Sam makes his underwater dreams a reality episode 4 ferrets is this a show for babies it's the new york times podcast oh my god i hate these people i hate these people so much i'm i'm so pissed off that by the third episode they were making their dreams come true like fuck you i didn't even earn that to the like the hundredth maybe the 200th episode like what did what did this little bitch do to earn

his little underwear? Fuck you, Sam. I'm going to look at the pictures of him. Let's get some personal insults flying at this time. If you're listening to this podcast, you are a good for nothing manatee fucker. You look like a gayer Jewish Abraham Lincoln. You look like

the hills have eyes gone goisha, you stupid fuck. You stupid fucking piece of shit fuck you yeah all right and your gay little podcast he has a huge midsection that is just this is one of the troll this next one is one of the worst ones of course sam anderson wants to fuck a manatee because he's got the body closest to one that a human has ever seen. Fuck this bitch. If I ever see you in the street, bitch, it's fucking on like Donkey Kong. Your stupid podcast is down for the count.

I'm going to kill you. No one gives a fuck about your stupid animals. Yo, you could never. Don't say you want to kill him. I did not say I want to kill him. I just said that I would. I would make actionable threats. I'm not going to. i'm not gonna look stop stop stop let me clarify something if i saw him in the street i would yell at him meanly i would i'm not i'm not gonna physically harm you sam anderson but if you

want to square up in the park consensually then we could we could fucking throw down you manatee loving fuck face sam anderson if you want to be consensually murdered by me I will kill you yeah okay we have a lot we have a lot of podcasts to get through please keep going I have a lot of Jacques what do you think the case of the tiny suitcase is about stop

okay this is a very niche podcast about the resale rate, the resale amount for a Polly Pocket suitcase and how it's revolutionized the entire industry of collectible resales. And every episode... Okay, do you want to know what the real thing is? the real i have a guess i have a guess can i can i make a guess yes yes yes guess i think yes yes i think it's going to be about the refugee crisis it's about stories of people having to travel with very few belongings to the united states

or various other you're so smart places no jacques is actually closer to the. Whoa. It is from the crew. The trio behind the hit podcast, Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding, are back. This season, the three unqualified detectives take on a brand new mystery set in Sweden. Being specialists in non-crime crimes, their selection criteria for new cases is simple. Anything the police laugh at is a case for us.

Does that sound fun to anyone? This is why I would recommend that you put the headphones down and go hike. Maybe listen to the band The Sundays. Let's not tell our listeners to put... Let's not tell them to stop listening to podcasts. Anything else besides us. Keep listening to podcasts.

Other podcasts, except episodes that we guest on or podcasts we guest on are unimportant and we are the champions and this is it's run by a lesbian Helen McLaughlin Sarah McLaughlin's daughter look at this bitch

that's Sarah McLaughlin's daughter twee little bitch oh actually is she single? Helen fuck you bitch give me a call I'm gonna put my foot down I'm not gonna hate a woman don't put the foot

that's sprained it'll hurt it I'll put my broken ankle down Jacques and Ben what do you think 16th minute and then in parentheses of fame is about? Okay, 16th minutes. I'm annoyed. 16th minutes of fame

is the story of how each star that rose quickly to the top 16th minute of fame turned out to be their last one. We're talking... Micro-celebrity who ends up killing themselves. Yes, you're both right. I don't want to talk about myself, Ben.

This is one of my mutuals, so I'm going to move on before we make fun of it. Okay, period. I was going to say, we should maybe check to make sure we don't know any of these't know I haven't looked up any of these beforehand but kind of likely we might be one degree

separated from any of these people on this list I hope not the animal guy because we went hard I really hope we don't know the animal guy let's really hope we don't know the animal guy seems him. Let's really hope we don't know. Seems like a charming show. That's not Sam Anderson might be a little idiot,

but nothing compares to that idiot. Steve. Period. Exactly. Okay. How, how about this? I'm going to skip broom gate,

a curling scandal, because I think we can all guess what that's about. The curious history of Your Home. Okay. This is a podcast where you find out about the full sexual history of anyone who's had sex in that apartment. That'd be an amazing podcast. That would be such a good podcast.

And at the end of every... Like ghost hunting? Almost. And at the end of every... Like ghost hunting? Almost. But at the end of every... How many people have fucked in this room? At the end of every encounter, they take a check for where their relationship is at the beginning of the episode

and where it is at the end. Like, are they still friends at the end? Do they still talk today? Are they dating? Who's they here? Oh, people that have had sex and we have bios on each person i see i see um join oh god you're gonna get really mad at this one ben join domestic historian ruth goodman as she guides you through the surprising, often epic stories behind everyday objects in your home.

I thought, okay, I was on board until I found out that it was just about utensils and not about the actual homes. I mean, I do love like art. Double glazed windows? We owe those to a French king's odd fascination with windows. Double glazed windows? Double glazed windows? Double glazed?

Who the, Who the she... I'm not... I'm taking a break. Get her. Get her, kid. Get her. Look, if you're going to use the word epic as an adjective in the year 2024 to describe your just so incredible, great, wonderful podcast, you might as well slip down a tiny

spiral staircase and hit your head at the bottom, you dumb junkie. Wait, did that happen? That seems really specific. That just happened. After showing us a spiral staircase, is that something that happened to you today? I couldn't comment until the end of the case,

but... What are you eating? Who would possibly be the other party in that case where you slide down a spiral staircase and hit your head? I'm sure he found someone to blame for it. This is a homemade biscuit a girl in Austin that was wonderful made me.

I'm done talking about your concubines on the show. Wait, it's not. No. Someone made me a biscuit. It's nice. They're buttermilk. Sorry, I'm having biscuits. It looks kind of cute, honestly. I get like a lot of these. These don't sound that bad, but

we do have to start beef with them, unfortunately. So Ruth Goodman, fuck you. No one fucking cares, you cunt. Fuck you, Ruth Goodman. Ruth Goodman. Ruth Goodman. Ruth good for nothing.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, exactly. Okay, Jacques. What do you think The Lonely Island and Seth Meyers podcast is about? Okay, well, I'm not a complete idiot because I believe Seth Meyers

is one of the actors or something. But isn't The Lonely Island the worst Adam Sandberg snl junk joke yeah but they did they did a redux on it it's called lonely island now because they're pedophiles who tried to go to epstein island but did they really shut up they're really sad there's a little girls to molest on the island that's what we call the lonely island now you know you know andy sandberg was basically just um he was he's pete david without a without uh without a needle problem that didn't get to fuck as many women is so funny the drug problem i love pete david he voices all those characters in that in all the movies the black guy with the deep voice he David's amazing um um I do Andy Samberg if you are listening I like him he's really hot give me

a call man yeah you would okay you would Hessa would fuck Andy Samberg on the random anyone lots of people would he's you would have sex with him too Ben a thousand percent okay super what if y'all had to have sex together with him yeah i do think we could take turns as an i've shared we'll share a man before yeah it's not what you do first time you're jealous are you jealous wait me if you've had sex with the same guy but i respectfully declare i am not jealous at all, and I merely just feel left out. Ben, I would like to insert a dialogue between the two of you about how I felt left out when y'all begun to have sex without me on Medical League.

You know what it means when Jacques starts speaking like a lawyer. Yes, exactly. You know what it means. Also, Sam Anderson, fuck your manatee bullshit. Okay, this, yeah, Sam Anderson, fuck you. Let's go back to him. Let's go back to him for no reason at all. Your name is so normal, man.

Fuck you. You probably got a nice family and you're probably really successful. He's probably really nice. Well, fuck you, man. Okay. What do you think? This is a different, this is a totally different format for what we'll be guessing

but this podcast is called I want you to guess what they mean by the last word in the title of this podcast you must remember this the hard Hollywood life of Kim Novak remastered it's remastered.

Remastered. Okay. What do you think they mean when they say remastered at the end? I think that it is a BDSM podcast and she is now under the influence of a new erotic master. Gar. Gar. He's a

tall man who wears a gimp and he makes the calls. This is how I see it. Okay. That's a tall man who wears a gimp and he makes the calls. This is how I see it. Yeah. Okay. That's how you see it? That's how I have prophesied it. Do you think any of our listeners listen to this? Okay.

I don't have any crossover. Yeah, I think some of them do. This podcast is from 10 years ago and they just re-released it that's so fucking stupid get this off the list what if this is what knocks us off they literally just remastered a podcast

I thought that was going to be like a double entendre or something I feel like I can think of 400 different statements that we've made publicly on this podcast that might have gotten us off this list but we belong in the street with the people I don't want made publicly on this podcast that might have gotten us off this list. But... Hey, we belong in the street with the people. No, we don't want to be on this.

I don't want to be on this fucking list. I'm just saying, you know... Fuck Sam Anderson. Fuck Sam Anderson and his manatee-ass body, bitch. Fuck a manatee fucker. No wonder you're a manatee so much. No wonder you have to sleep with a manatee. You're not even a real man, so you have to sleep with a manatee. You're not even a real man.

So you have to sleep with a manatee, you fucking pervert. Freaks and perverts. Hello. This man's so gay, he chose the only animal with man in the name. Wow. Pretty weird common denominator among every person who won this podcast is that there are a bunch of fucking assholes who are a bunch of freaks and perverts

who probably would hit someone in a car and then keep going. I wish them unwell. I know. I wish them unwell. I'm transferring all of my negative mental illness through

one movement to them. That could destroy, that could wipe a city off the planet. mental illness through one movement to them. That could destroy, that could wipe a city off the planet. Yeah, don't. I'm normal now. I'm normal now, so don't worry about it. Okay, what

do we think the podcast Truth Be Told presents? She Has a Name. Okay. Boom! Man truth be told presents she has a name okay me and Ben are not misogynist and want to hear from women but in this point it's like why would you it's definitely

it's definitely about a raped and murdered like a woman no no no it's like a true crime thing I take it i take it back i take it back i i will say that is such an offensive i i have a huge cry for true crime podcast as they even exist like as is they're incredibly exploitative and like really fucked up yeah that is such a heinous thing to name a case because that is so like i'm with her vote you know i'm a french

put her name in the title of the podcast maybe that's what i would have done yeah no if it was like if it was like sarah miller the podcast to be like okay i okay but then a raped and murdered child okay but if you do like you know i'm with her the you know rebecca rises above adversity podcast logistically if they had to include a lot of women's name in the title i the Rebecca Rises Above Adversity podcast. Logistically, if they had to include a lot of women's name in the title, I think that people might get confused what it's about and not want to listen.

You read seven to eight women's names and you say, oh god. It's literally a list of women's names. It would be really confusing. I don't know. I don't dislike this podcast. They should just stop making these shows. These shows need to be banned.

Yeah. I think all other podcasts should quit and they should let us have the basketball court for a while and they can all do good. We can keep seeking half-court threes over and over again. Exactly. We might run every other podcast off the road with our behavior today. Okay. They might just be too scared, folks.

Okay. Okay. Okay, ready? We're halfway done with the list. Jesus Christ. Well, this will just be the whole episode today. We don't have to get through all of it. You do it. Primer. What do you think Primer is about, Jock?

I think it's a sad story of losers getting together to talk about unimportant things that only idiots listen to can you lean into your computer a little bit more yes what i was saying is they're fags they're idiots i don't i don't i primer let me what they prime coats of cum all over their face because they're getting blasted in the face with cum because they're fags. I think that's not my fault and I think that there's enough horny podcast out there. They don't need

another one that's called Primer. Stay out of our cum lane. The real theme of this gay podcast is a story of gay painters and what they like to paint. Okay. Something so

scary just happened to Jock. What happened? I don't know. He turned around and looks really startled. The ghosts are following me. Someone's there. What do I think Primer's about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's Primer about? I'm going to try to give a real guess

here. I'm trying to think i mean it can't be about paint that would be honestly it might be just boring enough to be like the unique history of paint as it's made among blah blah blah like but i don't think it can this is a pretty good it's a pretty good concept for a podcast i think i don't know like well a primer is like i'll give you a primer on this yeah maybe it's about it doesn't have no so i mean it's a peek into the world of diverse niche subjects that yeah it's giving you a primer on it's a podcast where they review different types of vinegar and how to pair it with different salads. Yes, so it's a music podcast where

the host chooses a music genre and just does a deep dive on it with different hosts for the whole season. And it's Japanese City Pop is the one for the first season. Look, I love

Japanese City Pop. We all love City Pop. But I don't need these for the first season. Look, I love Japanese city pop. We all love city pop. But I don't need these bobos trying to tell me how to listen to music. I will say this is one of the things I hate the most about, because a lot of media is like, you know,

someone whose taste you admire does a discreet little deep dive into a niche subject i hate this form of media for the most part because i'm such a maybe narcissist that i want to keep these little treasures to myself and i don't want to hear anyone else talk about them yeah exactly that's how i feel too i'm like no you shut the fuck up i don't know kind of closed-minded but oh it's, it's incredibly heinous world for you to have. I'm not saying this

proudly. It's pretty bad. But it is just how I feel about this stuff. For the next one, what do you guys think Serial Season 4 is about? Ay yi yi. They're still on this shit.

The mysterious murderer known as the Cajun debutante stomper. We investigate this late 70s plantation sleeper murder that trailed into the late 1985. I don't know. They still have plantations in Louisiana in the 70s. I'm saying that most of the story took place in perhaps an old plantation

that they threw debutante balls in the late 70s in Louisiana. Okay. Serial returns with a history of the murder of journalist Sam Anderson? That's not true. That's what it's about.

You're making that up. He killed himself from the beginning of our show to the end of our show. Killed by podcasters? Oh my god. Stop saying that. You overheard our recording. It's about Guantanamo Bay. They're getting serious.

I want to stress that the Sam Anderson, who's the American actor best known for his character roles, such as Sam Gormley in On Perfect Strangers, he is a good guy. And Sam Anderson, who does the New York Times Animal podcast, is a bad guy. sam anderson who does the new york times uh animal podcast is a bad guy he said he says he went to mexico and i'm kind of questioning why he really went there what do you mean probably for evil reasons like one evil reason to go to sex trafficking oh okay wow so you're fully accusing him of sex trafficking I do not stand by these serial season 5

the sex trafficking of New York Times reporters wow they have two different seasons about him okay what do we think um finally exclamation point a show is about it's about these podcasters finally killing

themselves this is so easy Iraa glass puts a gun in his mouth no no it's so easy it's it's it's the final steps a couple's uh take to make each other um climax in the bedroom it's a show about finally it's it's okay i i my guess i'm not gonna look at it yet um my guess for this is every episode it's a different thing and it's like improvised and it's like bad improv of them making up a new podcast and it's wait no i think finally is joke oh my god a podcast wait what i think it's joe castle baker's podcast no it's not i almost positive it is it's not i think you just want it to be does he not

have a podcast called finally no i know finally a show is the name of the oh joe castle baker has a show called finally no i don't know if this is i don't think this is his because the description of it is come hang out in a different woman's life on each episode. I think the name of his show I think the name of his show is like a gay and a lesbian. It is a gay and a lesbian but it's called Fine. I love that show. Joe's so funny.

I love Grace. He's an amazing character. No more of it. This could be the only gay podcast you guys listen to. Just take everything out of your mind and set a positive about it. This could be the only gay podcast you guys listen to. Just take everything out of your mind and set a positive about it. Fuck you, Joe Castle. You are just so funny

it fucking pisses me off. You're too fucking funny, Joe. It's not fair for the other people trying to be funny out there when one person is being funny. Finally a show curated and crafted by Jane Marie of This American Life and Michelle Obama, The Light Podcast.

Oh, good God. And Johannes Salatra, Team Coco, Two Dope Queens, and Scattered. Is Team Coco Conan O'Brien? This is like my hit list. Yeah, I just, you can't trust Conan O'Brien anymore. No, we can't he used to be so funny he used to be so funny

I won't stand for any Conan shit talk he's earned a forever pass to do whatever he was your I watched him every night from like first grade that makes sense he's like only sometimes

I will say it was I used to love Jimmy Fallon Jimmy Kimmel I've always hated Jimmy Fallon Jimmy Kimmel I used to love like man show era Jimmy Kimmel didn't Conan used to write for Simpsons too

yeah and the monorail episode when I was like 10 or 11 Conan used to write for Simpsons too? Yeah. Yes. And that's good. You're with the Monorail episode. When I was like 10 or 11, I used to love the Late Late Show with that British guy. Not the fat gay chipmunk one they have. Oh, Carson Daly?

No. No. He was like a bit older. Craig Ferguson. Yes, I used to love Craig Ferguson. And he was hot. Yeah. In a way that I never find guys hot.

I'm never into older or British. Craig Ferguson? Did you guys show up drunk? He was handsome. There was something about him. I'm looking up a pic of him. He's definitely hot. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's hot as fuck. Have you lost your entire fucking mind? He was kind of like Chad Hugh Laurie. Yeah, he's such a Chad. He's like a cool bad boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His hair looks like wet gray noodles. I love his hair.

His ugly, demeaning smile is that of a loser. You are so, so deeply negative. I am so deeply what? Let's get to the next podcast. Negative. I'm not negative. I'm very positive. I've just had a lot of negative things happen to me. HIV? Okay. Oh my god. God. Oh my god.

Don't make me do Duster. Don't make me do Duster? Don't make me do Duster don't make me do duster do it bitch you think I care I think you should do the duster no do it he's done duster before

see you can't get the podcast threatening to do computer duster why I think you should do it you can only get that on Seeking you can't you can only get that on seeking derangements you can only get that here listeners yeah maureen dowd isn't threatening to duster on the new york new yorker story to quote to quote joni happening on seeking derangements

are you quoting jody mitchell yes right you need to do computer duster and then quoting jody mitchell listen you don't know what Wait, listen. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. That's the same thing. If you ever unsubscribe from us, we will come down to your house and personally settle the debt.

I will never publicly or personally threaten the listeners. Ben will never publicly leave his house and publicly go see people. Okay. What is the podcast? I thank you, listeners. I love you.

This is relevant. I will make sure Jock won't kill you. Okay. This next one is relevant. What do you think? I'm going to ask Ben this one first. Ben, what do you think Beyond All Repair is about? I have an idea.

Can I think for 10 seconds? Okay, go ahead. It's about the most torn up either holes, like buttholes or pussies, and how they ended up there. And what they do. That would be a hit. It's kind of like a pimp for me.

Pimp my genitals situation where they show how bad it is and how it ended up in that condition and then they have the makeover and then you know like it's like the hole and then there's like a flat screen TV and like extreme hole makeover

yeah I mean it's just like that's what people who have broken holes deserve is it an auto is it an automobile show has it is it about repairing cars no it's a kind of like car talk it's a true crime it's no crime again no god it's another it's another people have got to stop dying can people stop if people stop dying can these people stop making podcasts my one complaint all of these are about things that happened in the 90s, which is so like, it's like we're not even out

of the 90s yet. They are literally going through it chronologically. It's going to get insane. Imagine you're accused of something horrific. You swear you didn't do it, but someone says they witnessed it. Your own brother. Sophia Johnson was newly

married with a baby on the way when she became the prime suspect in her brother-in-law's brutal murder. WBUR's Amory Silvertson. What? These names are so, like, crazy. These are, like, the names of, like, first-wave feminists who marched with Susan B. Anthony.

Literally. Amory Ruth Goodman. Yeah. What? Ruth Goodman is good. feminists who marched no literally anthony amory ruth goodman yeah no this is someone who like didn't want black women to vote fuck you amory silver fuck your racist ass you old bitch yeah i don't know i don't know if she's even white it's a black woman yeah it doesn't hey racism comes in all colors wait did you guys hear joe biden call himself a black woman yeah it doesn't hey racism comes in all colors wait did you guys hear joe biden call himself a black woman just yeah that was so cool and he said he was joe biden's husband i love him okay i'm i'm fully i'm fully switching like of course he's definitely going to lose to trump like that's just that's inevitable at this point. And a week ago, I would have been like, yes, get Kamala in.

It'll be funnier. Don't really want a second Trump term. Not going to vote for a Democrat. Don't really care that much at the end of the day. It's their fault. But part of me was kind of like. It seems so, so clear that. Biden is just going to eat it, that they should at least try to save this.

But at this point, I'm like, Biden has unveiled himself as such a despicable, narcissistic fucking freak. I don't think he has anything anymore. I think he's literally just has dementia. He has, but he still has,

he still has the muscle memory, right? And muscle memory in, in his own brain, but still in like, in, in the external shell brain but still he does in the external shell of the people he's hired around him who is who keep the machine going that he's built yeah i mean he's essentially he's essentially doing what he would have done because he's hired

people to act yes exactly at his whim and and they they have you know um absorbed his his you know working theory of of power and in all of this stuff. The framework he's put in place is moving him forward because it's the only thing to guide him now. So you can't be like, oh, well, he's not really trying to do it anymore because he's demented. Both things are true. He's functionally set himself up to continue to do this.

I would be surprised if he knew. He's weakened at Berniesing himself with his staff, basically, I feel like. And anyways, I don't want Kamala anymore. I wanted Kamala for comedic reasons mostly. But I kind of want to just see Joe Biden just absolutely eat it in four months and be crazier than ever and then die. It's going to be so fucking funny, and the Democratic Party will have to defend that.

Why they've been gaslighting and lying to all of us who have two eyes and two ears for the last four fucking years, been saying this man is demented. Once they have to explain that, it's going to be amazing. He doesn't even even i just forget about him he's such an ambient person in my life yeah he is such an ambient person he's taken more of a

front seat in the recent days as as his decline has become more well i can't even watch it it's kind of it's like a sad grandfather. Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's so obvious, though, that they were just hiding him for as long as they possibly could. They were hiding him and hiding him and hiding him and saying behind the scenes, guess no, he's sharper than ever. He's normal.

You'll never see any evidence of this because he goes out and shits his pants at a black church, but we swear to God he's he's super normal and then he's forced to be in front of the country for what 90 minutes at 9 p.m and he fucking flatlines and now and now they have to put him out there and he's he's being insane he's being so fucking crazy he's calling into like he's calling himself the first black female president he's calling into like mourning Joe

and talking about how much he hates the elites in the party and how they've never listened to him and everyone wants to everyone's wanted to kill him since the 80s it's just they can't hide it anymore it's so fucking funny and it's like some of the worst. And it's like some of the worst

hyping too. Yeah. My guess is he dies on November 5th. Yeah, dude. I have a conspiracy. Okay, let's hear it. You're involved in a conspiracy? No, it just appeared to me.

Okay. They have purposely been giving Biden aluminum poisoning through extra use of deodorant the entire term to the point of mental deficiency. And that is the secret weapon that is bringing him down. Oh, my God. That is what's triggering his mental illness.

That makes perfect sense. We've never heard about how bad he smells from anyone. I've never. He must smell so crazy. Speaking of smelling bad, we have five podcasts left to get through. I love podcasts.

We can do it. This one sounds really bad. This one sounds like... Jock, what do you think Valley Heat is about? Valley Heat. I think it's a sexy tale of early 90s life as a stripper in other la's the valley uh told told from the story the perspective of candy and mandy two sisters this is a podcast about my neighborhood, the Rancho Equestrian District in Burbank, California. My name is Doug DeGuey

and I am a freelance insurance insurance adjuster trying to figure out who is using my garbage can as a way to distribute drugs. Are you kidding me? So he's trying to narc on someone. What a fucking bitch, dude. Fuck you.

I hope the cartel cuts her head off. Ya bitch! trying to narc on someone. What a fucking bitch, dude. Fuck you. You fucking narc. I hope the cartel cuts her head off. You bitch. Fuck you, Doug. Fuck you, and Scott and Scott Anderson, too. Sam Anderson. And Scott Anderson. And Scott Anderson.

Fuck him, too. Is your therapist texting you? No, my roommate is texting me Scott Anderson. You know what? Fuck him too. Okay. Is your therapist texting you? No, my roommate is texting me that I'm using his. I'm using my roommate's computer. So he's asking. We could wrap it up. We'll be done soon.

No, I know. It's fine. It's all fine. I'm just. Let's speed through the last ones. I know you'll know what this one is, Ben. So I'm just going to ask Jock. Jock, what do you think um 99 invisibles power broker

series is i don't know what annoying you don't know i think it's annoying from the get-go it sounds like something i wouldn't want to listen to because it has to do with money and how to invest also can y'all hear the tropical i know i know who this is yeah yeah yeah i know well i know what 99 invisible is because whenever i go to visit my mom in Iowa, she's a big NPR head and I always hear ads. One of the most powerfully annoying ads I've ever heard in my life, which is like, how did dust come to be? It's the hidden story on the most popular thing in your house that you barely see. Dust.

And I'm just like, I'm gonna fucking... Way to rip off the curious history of your home. Yeah. I'm gonna fucking jump out of the car and it's told by this guy with a fucking stick up his ass named Shankar Vardantam and I'm just like Shankar?

Fuck you, Shankar. Fuck you, Shankar. Fuck you, Shankar Vardantamantum you stupid bitch i don't give a fuck about the just like a tiny little history yeah what happens when you unlock your brain's potential like my friend you are everything that is wrong with america today you are the reason you are the reason that this country is run by a bunch of sissy, know nothing, do nothing. Crazy way to take it. Yep. Crazy turn to take.

I think, I'm not even going to look it up, but my guess is it's about Robert Moses, and it's about that, because the Power Brothers gave me the book about him. Look, I don't... Ghost in the Machine. What is that, Jock? It is a popular anime movie from the late 90s

okay it's about who's in the movie who is the bitch who played the who got yelled at scarlet wait what is it called the scar joe has okay yeah it's scarlett johansson playing a black mechanic okay and her name is ghost her character name is ghost yeah she really she really wanted to be a black guy but they were like after being an Asian but they're like sorry Scar Jo we can't do this and movies but you could start a podcast where you're black mechanic they're like wait ghost when is my camera gonna be ready you know I would say that I I don't I don't know why you had to include yo because the mechanic is black i don't know the character i was playing was played by john leguizamo there

if you know i'm reading the description john leguizamo plays the guy who owns the camry so that was just i was doing a john leguizamo voice it's clearly my official answer is that it's a it's a vanity project for scar joe to be able to play a black man it's it's a super it's a vanity project for ScarJo to be able to play a black man. It's a supernatural podcast covering the phenomena of a haunted iRobot dog that was possessed by the soul of a serial killer. Tecmo, the robot dog. Are they called Tecmo? Yeah, they're called Tecmo. Those were those dogs.

That was my favorite toy as a kid. You're going to have to stay there jock for your audio sorry i'm just kneeling we're almost done jock um okay ghost in the machine is oh my god oh i don't want to read all this it's about a cheating scandal at no Court of Friends? Who fucking cares? This is a busybody show. This is a show for people who can't stop riding their bikes and eating almonds and calling their children

racist for not voting for Hillary Clinton. I'm sorry. This actually sounds really interesting honestly. I'm sorry. Someone secretly had a machine inside their bike the whole race. That's pretty funny. That's something I the whole race that was powering it i'm sorry it's presenting to pedal like really slowly yeah i kind of want to i kind of want to listen to this it's 2024 not 1994 cheating scandals don't matter anymore everyone cheats it's like

get a fucking grip are you joking me like say something more interesting about the planet and not about animals and not about your crime ghost in the machine fuck you ghost in the machine you are another fucking loser that needs to step down your rank is undeserved and you think that you can talk shit to us on the comments

because we know who you really are we know that those mean comments that you've been leaving are actually you so ghost in the machine podcast fuck you and I hate that you've been leaving are actually you. So go to the Machine Podcast. Fuck you. And I hate that you've been using your influencers against us. Yeah. Okay. There's one last one to make fun of.

Okay. Unless we want to do Club Shay Shay. I love Club Shay Shay. Yeah. I was going to say there's nothing to make fun of Club Shay Shay for. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. I'm literally a listener to Club Shay Shay shay and the breakfast club i love those shows

what's the plot it's it's a black it's a black show yeah you wouldn't get it cracker ass wouldn't get it white boy yeah honky oh you honky it's not for you why don't you stick to your white shows machine why don't you stick to your white shows? Why don't you listen to A Curious History of Your Home? Yeah, why don't you figure out where your kettle's from, you fucking cracker? Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, Sam Anderson.

Fuck you, Hessa, you Alfredo sauce, and fuck you, Ben. You've got the diversity of a Subway sandwich. More than you, bitch. You've got the diversity of a Subway sandwich. So don't you dare. More than you, bitch. You have cousins on both sides. Don't even start with me. Your family's probably been

Oh, I'm not gonna go there. I'm not gonna go there, Mr. Gosselin. The last one to make fun of is called It's the same as 70% of the ones on here. it's the same as 70 of the ones on here it's the same type of title teeny tiny stories that you would have never imagined

things fell apart season two oh god okay it's about it's about it is this about a dead girl or is it about a grandfather clock? Like, what is it about? It just seems like every popular podcast is about the plight of someone else. It just seems like every other podcast is about the plight of every single other person. And not about themselves. I'm going to read this description to you. I'm going to read this description to you. Okay? And you're going to get so mad.

The host's name is John Ronson. So keep that in mind. Oh, I know. Oh. Oh, I know John. get so mad the host's name is john ronson so keep that in mind oh i know oh oh i know if you've ever yelled at someone on social media about say cancel culture or mask wearing then you are a soldier in the in the culture wars my those everyday battles for dominance between conflicting values the acclaimed writer and podcaster john ronson has seen friends swallowed up in them to the extent it's ruined their lives.

John was curious to learn how things fell apart. Blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. John Ronson used to be this American Life regular. He's like a fat British faggot. I don't know if he's gay. And then he got canceled and then had to start his own. I don't know if he was ever canceled.

From what I remember, I think he wrote a book called The New Today Beast about depression or something that I remember reading when I was in high school. Kanye likes to give cancer. But I think cancel culture stuff kind of ruined his... He did something that was very talking about cancel culture

way before it was known as such. It was called he was studying mob mentality talking about cancel culture like way before it was known as such it was it was about like it was called like i think it was he was studying like mob mentality on the internet or something the way he's been he's been with it for a minute but i think i just hate him because he's kind of british and like plucky and british in it Oh it was the PR lady who tweeted going to Africa hope I don't get AIDS just kidding

I'm white and she got fired and then Wasn't that James Charles? No that was someone named Justine Sacco in December 2013 So he's just compiling instances of Twitter pile-ons I think he yeah he, he was like,

she shouldn't have gotten fired or something. I mean, there's an interesting sociological component to a lot of these things. I don't know if he comes down on this. John Ronson, fuck you. Fuck you. John Ronson, Ron Johnson, Johnny Ron Don Johnson. You're as gross as

a dirty Johnson. That's a dick. You're a dick douchebag. No one gives a shit about your culture or wars or blah blah blah. I hope Max can put like a 90s style hip hop beat break right there. That would sound like a freestyle.

I look like a maniac. I look like a fucking mad scientist. These podcasts, it is bleak. Well, girl, that means that we can maybe make it out of the hood, but we have to professionalize a little bit.

Oh, no. I think we're perfect, Ben. Hessa agrees with me, right? Thank you. The Sean Ryan Show is hosted by Sean Ryan, former U.S. Navy SEAL, CIA contractor, and founder of Vigilance Elite. We tell real stories about real people from all walks of life. I bet this guy makes $1 million a year for this show.

No, that's what I'm saying. He had Tucker Carlson on. He had Robert F. Kennedy on. Fuck this guy. Fuck you, Sean Ryan. What joe rogan better than this because i feel like we joe rogan is actually he's kind of funny sorry to say it i think joe rogan is an actually compelling interviewer and is very talented at just speaking he's good at asking questions i just wish amazing i love the joe rogan show of course it goes into waters that are

incredibly dicey. But I do think that Joe Rogan is someone who doesn't really have like a he's too stupid to have like a fixed political agenda. And he does kind of just operate off his own like dumb guy instincts. But I actually kind of find that to be a little honest because you can tell where he's coming from. Yeah. And I find a lot of his shows to be like genuinely compelling until he has like other comedians on or like ufc guys on back it's really annoying and really kind of like trans bathroom stuff but i love what he has like i liked when he had recently he had um ron johnson on to to express his um would you talk about his math stuff yeah his math stuff

and then he had eric weinstein on to disprove everything to his face and you can see him like the gave the crushed look on his face what is terence howard's math like didn't he invent a new shape or claim he just hasn't claim? He just hasn't been to, he just hasn't been to college. And he's like, I love him. I love that. He's so cool.

I believe it's going to happen to me when I'm like a failure. When I'm like 55, I can't wait. You do invent a new shape. Invented a new shape. And no one says, people are trying to kill me because my new shape is too powerful. Ben's in his shape era.

Yeah. His shape era. His secret shape era in his shape era. His shape era. His secret shape era. His powerful secret shape era. You know what would really... I don't want to talk the fuck up about this new shape. It would really... It's just a fucking triangle.

It would really... His baguette. It would really piss triangle wearing a hat. Yes. If Ben started painting, that would really annoy me. I do paint. I don't want to hear it. I have one of Ben's paintings hanging up.

Yeah, he paints walls for buildings. I've been an artist, bitch. Look, I've seen your collages, but what else have you done? I've never seen anything else. My art is my life. Well, your art is your queef. Our art is our life. Our podcast is our life. I missed y'all.

Yeah, I missed you too, baby. Oh, no, that was to the fans, the listeners. But I mean, y'all were cool too. Just kidding. I really did miss Ben and Hessa. They're the only two shining angels sometimes that can give the love I need. He struggles to even give us a compliment.

They're the only approval. I'll take it. I changed the font. I want the approval of my parents. And by my parents, I mean Hessa and Ben. Well, you should know that I'm a very withholding father. You gotta earn it, bitch. And I'm a mother that will

spoil you. I've always wanted an Italian mother mother well guys thank you for listening find us on Patreon patreon.com slash secretarrangements where we always have at least one bonus episode per week often times we have

videos mixes other special episodes go behind our paywall so find it there it's five dollars a month um and it keeps us well fed so now y'all if y'all want to upgrade to a tier larger than five dollars a month you might be saving a uh uh you might be helping us now if you go up to twenty dollars a month jo20 a month you might get a special present that lives with you forever in your heart and your mind

check out our Patreon thanks guys talk to you later talk to you later bye I'll find a place somewhere on the carpet I'm gonna waste the rest of my days

Do all the dreadful things you might ask me Come down to life as an ashtray I want to be your silver surface I want to be your smallest room And when you have to keep an engagement

Just leave me here, I'm waiting to prove I'll come running to tie your shoes I'll come running to tie your shoes I'll come running to tie your shoe I'll come running to tie your shoe I'll come running to tie your shoe I'll come running to tie your shoe I'll come running to tie your shoe I'll come running to tie your shoe