Seeking Derangements - SD 329 - White Women: Answer the Call w/ April Clark

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Happy Sunday Seekers! April joins Hesse, Ben and Jacques to talk about 164,000 white women crashing Zoom for a Kamala fundraiser, Jacques idea for a lesbian Christmas movie, and what happens when you piss off Brats. Get tickets to Aprils LA show here: https://www.elysiantheater.com/shows/aprilclark

um don't wait don't wait for me as if we haven't been waiting for 10 minutes. Anyways, welcome everyone. Seeking Derangements. It's Ben. Hess is here. Jock is in the bathroom. He might come back loud and hot. So sorry if you're... Can't even grab a goddamn thing in this economy. And April...

I have to bring a chair in here. This is insane. Okay. And April is joining us. I have to bring a chair in here. This is insane. Okay. And April is joining us today. April, welcome to... Hi, guys. Hey. What's up? Thanks for having me, everyone.

We're so happy to have you. Jock. Please be chill with the mic. It's okay. Give me like two seconds. I'm literally... Wait, I don't understand. So the bathroom echoes less?

I think the bathroom might echo more. We'll see. Hello? Okay, just be... You'll have to be really quiet this episode. But welcome, everyone. This is a free episode of Seeking Arrangements. If you want bonus episodes weekly,

you will have to subscribe to our Patreon. And April, we're just getting the... We're getting the plugs out of the way first. You have a show coming up, right? Oh yeah, should we just get them out of the way? Let's get them out of the way. Okay, here's my two plugs if you're listening to this. I have a show coming up in Los Angeles

on August 17th and I'm gonna do I'm working on an hour of stand-up, but I'm gonna do 30 minutes of stand-up. but I'm going to do 30 minutes of stand-up. Some of it's old. Most of it's new. Most of you probably haven't seen

any of it. I can't wait. I'll be right there. I've seen some of it. Good. Yeah, tomatoes are allowed and encouraged. Having a guy at the door that checks everyone's bags for tomatoes and is like, oh like glass canning people's tomatoes from the bag.

Some friends are gonna do sets also and I haven't announced who those friends are because Can you give us an exclusive? What's the venue? The venue is the Elysian. It's at the Elysian. Can you say the date one more time please?

It's August 17th at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles. You can get tickets in both of my bios. It's at 8 p.m. on a Saturday. I can only comment if it's at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. It's 8 p.m. And that's for your convenience that it's at 8 p.m. It honestly feels inconvenient for me because I would like to just kind of like get it out of the way at the beginning of the day. Sure. I recommend waking up of the day. Sure.

I recommend waking up at 7pm. Right before 8pm. I recommend sleeping for most of the day and then waking up and coming directly to my show. Cup of coffee in hand. That would be my advice. It's a big cup of Bing in hand. Sorry. I forgot we were talking about Jacques

here. Exactly. Well, you know, we are talking about Jacques, as always. A mug of boiling hot Bing. I just had a boiling hot glass of water before this. That's amazing. Something I wanted to talk about today, guys. There was a historic Zoom call that happened for one Miss Kamala Harris.

And the details are very disturbing. Oh, yeah. Wait a second. We have some other... Should I add the other guests? Yeah, a second. I. Yeah. We have some other. Should I add the other guests? Yeah, we should. I don't know if I told you this, but I put out a call for white women only. They love they love teleconferencing.

Yeah. To join our call. There's about one hundred and sixty four thousand white women waiting in the waiting room right now. Right. Let's bring them inside. Let's get them in here. Let's bring right now. Let's bring them in. Let's get them in here. Let's bring them in. Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies.

Well, yeah, Kamala Harris got 164,000 white women in one Zoom call and raised a whopping $2 million in 90 minutes. It sounds like... I actually haven't heard about this. I don't know anything. It was a white woman only Zoom meeting.

Was it actually all white? Yes, it was white women only, and it was 164,000 of them, and they raised $2 million. Which, just imagining being in that Zoom. Why would you join a Zoom meeting for fun? She didn't ask me to come on that Zoom meeting. We weren't invited April because we're trans.

Exactly. And guess what? They were all cis women. I believe that. What's Kamala's stance on trans? I think she says... She wants to lock us up in men's prisons. Lock her up.

That's what I always say. Lock her up. She said trans women can play sports only in men's jail. The journalist pointed a microphone at Kamala saying, trans? And she said, no. Period. Exactly. What was the name of that journalist, saying trans and she said period exactly

what was the name of that journalist that journalist's name was Grace Freud okay rest in peace Grace Freud she has COVID right now I know I saw this post and it said

whoever did this to me you should feel terrible or something like who did this to me you should feel terrible or something like who did this and it was april it was me no i had covid two months ago so i i think i'm in the safe zone you sound like the one that gave it to her probably no no yes yes no i'm gonna text her right now and be like hey i think April has COVID no I don't have COVID-19 Grace is going to text me in like 5 minutes and say are you sick

I don't know but she looks sick by the looks of her she has COVID she keeps coughing by the looks of her she has COVID by the looks of her, she has COVID. Yeah, I can usually tell if someone has COVID-19 by looking at them. I'm just kidding, Grace. I hope you make a steady recovery. I love you. Bye.

Was that a voice memo? Yeah, I meant to say that as a joke, and then I sent it as a real voice memo. Uh-oh. Period. The event is... The name of this white woman only event was so funny. It's called. Wait, wait.

Let's just to be clear. Sorry to interrupt, Ben. Yeah. Grace just got a voice memo that says, I don't know. I think she has COVID. I think she's looking a little sick with no context that it's talking about April. And then a voice memo apologizing, saying, I'm just kidding. I love you, bye.

I think she'll know what's going on. I think she can. I think she might. It's actually a very normal interaction. I don't think Grace knows that I'm on the show right now. I haven't talked to her today, so I don't think she knows you're with me right now. Let's see how she responds. Let's see how she takes it.

By the way, you don't actually look sickly. You look really athletic. Yeah, because April is not sick, to be clear. To be clear, I don't have COVID-19. Also, why did you misspell your own name? Is that a joke? Oh, I didn't type my name on this. Hessa did.

Yeah. Hessa can spell my name however she wants. I support you, Hessa. I have heart blonde. I would never say no to a trans woman that has the name Hessa. You can say no, Jacques. You know?

Hang up the call. That's right. Do we have a moment so I can tell a story of how I was almost jumped in the alleyway by a bicycle meth gang well yeah did that happen yeah not a motorcycle gang but uh a bicycle meth gang so the short end of this story is that i'm currently in an apartment building that doesn't allow smoking and i had only a limited amount of time.

I'm already seeing the biggest conflict here. You had to go outside and hit a dab rig in an alleyway. A bunch of 16 year olds rode up on bikes and made fun of you. Why is this woman starting a fire

right now? I saw a guy earlier doing meth and i was like okay so it's probably okay to do that so this is probably a good place to sit to hang out when someone actually brought your dab ring to the street yes to the alley yeah so doing doing a dab in an alley is actually a much more arresting thing to do because smoking meth you just you have a one hitter you have a chill up you're just or a little bulb pipe a tiny pipe you have to carry on a propane tank there's a lot of smoke involved and not many people there's no smoke it's vapor officer i see i see i see i see for your lungs just yeah okay it's not fucking vapor are you kidding me jack it's good for your lungs it's hydrating okay

can i can i can i explain the difference between it's a humidifier bed. No, no. I know you're getting really mad, so just put an E on it and chill. So this is the deal. Smoking weed, you burn it. That's combusting. It's direct flame to the thing. Dabbing, you're heating up a pipe. to the thing. Dabbing, you're heating up a pipe and then

touching the hot metal with the stuff. I'm so sorry for saying this sounded bad. This sounds actually totally healthy and normal. I'm really sorry. What you described is actually so normal and definitely healthy and good for you.

Nowhere near smoking. I went to this alleyway and there was like a huge gang of people at the front entrance of near this car wash and this gas station and it was just getting really crowded like i had just passed by there earlier and it wasn't even that crowded and there was like maybe 15 20 people outside so i was like okay this this can't be good. So I go into the alleyway. I look left and right like six times. Start doing it. Take one, whatever.

Another time, this guy starts cycling kind of like up and down. Were you sitting on the ground? What was your setup? Standing up, there's a ledge behind an apartment that has vines and the wood and I was just standing up and I was how do I tell far purse so the blowtorch was kind of concealed in that and okay the top of it was sticking out of the top torch lit

well it was in the purse we're using we're using a tellar as kind of like a koozie for a propane tank for a lit propane torch okay well genius again I can't believe this went sideways for you I'm so sorry I avoided it being sideways because by the time I take my second one there was like 5 or 6 people

on bike and they were kind of just going around me on like a tandem bike like a motorcycle gang yeah one bike so i just grabbed that shit i poured the la croix on my hot pipe threw it in my purse ran started running i'm holding all my stuff the guys are coming up on bikes in my direction. There's people coming forward in my bike. I take a right. I run through the car wash.

This is so cartoonish. Is the car wash on? Did you come out squeaky clean? Well, no, but I didn't get wet, at least. But the woman was spraying. One of those, she's spraying her car. It's a manual. It's a manual.

Oh, it's like a hit by hand. Not a put your car in neutral situation. Yeah, got it. Unfortunately, it would have been amazing if it was so funny. Yeah. Would you get arrested if you sprinted into one of the automatic car wash? Wait, if the apartment you're in

doesn't allow smoking. Yes. But dabs are vapor, so why didn't you just smoke in the apartment? Because they don't allow smoking. Yes. But dabs are vapor. So why didn't you just smoke? Oh, gotcha, bitch. Because they don't allow any weed products. This is a weed. This is advertised as a weed-free apartment building.

Because unfortunately, people need that advertised in Denver because they are filled with so many marijuana adult vagrants who just destroy apartment buildings there. Wait, Jacques, are you in Denver? Yes, I'm in Denver. filled with so many marijuana adult vagrants who just destroy apartment buildings there yeah houston two days ago and i was you've been traveling a lot i just i'm feeling the breeze between yeah i'm feeling so transient i went to the mothership in austin and now i saw now i'm gonna take over i'm to ruin everything for everyone.

OK, good. Are you in Denver for a while? How are you going to ruin the mothership for everyone? I know that I totally I totally I'm going to ruin stand up. I totally believe you can ruin an entire establishment. Believe me. But I'm just curious, how are you going to what's your plan to become a better stand upup comedian than everyone there?

Yeah, I just want to be the best quarterback of comedians. I want to be the Tom Brady. April, do you have any tips for Jacques? I think this is a really good goal. I think you found a really good niche. You know, the quarterback of stand-ups.

I don't think there's anyone currently doing that. I'll be honest, I've never even heard that phrase before. That's why it's genius. I think my merging of athleticism and comedy is going to be... Well, sorry, actually JVN did that.

JVN did that. JVN's done it. JVN did his fat hippo routine when he was... fat ballerina hippo routine when he was in a sectional pride unitard honestly Jock you could never slay this guy sorry to tell you you're different my god disgusting

it's absolutely vile his stuff is more like when the whale at SeaWorld would perform it's cool to the viewers and the animal because it's cool to the viewers and the animal. Because it's cool, not because of any other reason.

He said cruel. It's cool. So you think the whales at SeaWorld are cool? Well, watch them. At SeaWorld? Did you just call SeaWorld SeaWorld? That new HBO show, the SeaWorld H SeaWorld? That new HBO show, the SeaWorld of Cunts.

Yep. It ain't about lesbians. It ain't about gay people. It's about cunts. The entrance to SeaWorld, but the sign just says cunt. That's good. I'm going to SeaWorld.

Cunt World. That's really good. That's really good. I do. I would like to dispute. How do you know these were meth heads on these bikes and that they were trying to hurt you, Jacques? Because I had seen them earlier in the alleyway smoking meth.

And when they left, I waited till they left to take my spot and spoke in the discreet. But why did you think they were trying to hurt you? Because they were coming at me full speed on a bicycle. What are you going to do to me? What are you trying to... If you're riding a bicycle at me, there's no other way to go and you're coming towards... It's like, what's going on?

Right. What do you mean? So did you have to do like a dodge to get away from the bike? Yes. Well, he went through the... You went through the car wash. Oh, yes. That was the only out.

If I could take pictures of this situation and everyone knows a bike cannot go through a car wash they can't that's against the rules they're not allowed

it's cars only it's cars and people on foot exactly the guy stopped why what is I feel like no I'm glad you made

I'm glad you I'm glad you made no Jacques I believe you. You almost died. You were about to die. Believe women. I believe Jacques. Hashtag me too.

I believe Jacques. Hashtag just me. Hashtag Jacques too. Hashtag just me. Hashtag Jacques too. Hashtag Jacques too. That hilarious new movie coming out. I didn't believe her first. Hashtag just me. Hashtag Jacques 2. Hashtag Jacques 2. That hilarious new movie coming out. That didn't even leave a first. Hashtag Jacques 2.

Oh, it's spelled like the number? Yeah. Jacques 2. Come and see in theaters 2025. Is it spelled? Is it called spelling it like that if it's just a number in there? I don't know. I don't know.

That's a question for our listeners that's a lesson that's a question for philosophers yeah can we can we call a philosopher instead of a thousand white women and i think we do have a philosopher on the line yeah yeah let's speak to them who is it him her whatever gender they want to choose. Hello? Hey. What's up? My name is Sigmund Freud. I'm a philosopher. Any relation to... Yeah, we have a friend who has your same name.

No, no, no, no. I was going to ask any relation to the original Sigmund Freud, not to Grace Freud. No relation to anyone named Freud. Okay. Same last name that I gave myself. Oh, sure, yeah. My birth last name was

Hitler. I had to change it. I see. Very sad about it. Oh, you were sad? I was so sad I had to change it. You liked that name? I love that name. I have no relation to Hitler, but

you know. It's an that name. I love that name. I had no relation to Hitler, but, you know. It's an interesting name. Anyways, why did you call me? You called us. You called us. I'm so sorry. What's the meaning of life?

Oh, that's a good question, but I have to go. We had a specific question but i have to go no we had a specific question actually sigmund can can a bike go through a car wash can a bike go through a car wash that is a good question because if if a bike goes through a car wash, it becomes a bike wash. Oh, gosh. It ceases to be a car wash. It becomes a bike wash.

I see. I see. And that'd be two... Yeah. Yes, I see. Okay. Amazing. Well, I'm going to go now.

Okay, Sigmund. Nice to meet you. Wonderful to meet you wonderful to meet you Gandhi okay wow that guy was weird it sounded like he was German but then it suddenly became an Indian accent that's why I said bye Gandhi it was changing pretty quickly

you were being racist Jacques I think that was very nice I just was saying your accent was more of Gandhi You were being racist, Jacques? I think that's very nice. I think that was on the top. I just was saying your accent was more of Gandhi. Whose accent? Mine? I have an American accent. No. I actually always thought you had some kind of a European accent. I didn't ever believe

you were American. I used to think Hessa was French. I'm not. I thought she was Arab for the longest time. She could be, like, Lavant, yeah, for sure. Period. Absolutely.

What are you, April? Well, April's last name is Clark. I always thought her last name was Ancestor. Jock, why don't you guess April's 23rd? Yeah, take a wild guess about my ancestry. You like to drink, so Irish.

Okay. I don't even know if April likes to drink. I feel like April's not a big drinker. I know. I just thought of the meanest thing I could say to someone. She's trying to be a bitch for no reason

can you be honest shut the fuck up what about April gives it's not Irish she's Polish Polish are you Polish April

are you calling April a dick sucker? I'm not. Polish? I think that April's a proud, proud, proud lesbian. And I would never take that. Oh, so girls can't have penises? She's so good, her 23 and me is less. Jesus Christ.

Girls can't have penises. I wouldn't talk to you two without that or something. So I'm actually Swedish on my mom's side. Period. Yeah, and my dad was adopted. How sweet it is. How sweet it is. My dad was adopted, and I don't think he ever met his parents,

and there's some question there but he was raised by white family and seems like a white man you could be like chinese i could be chinese you couldn't be chinese you could be when i was in like first grade i my dad's like very my dad is very tan and always has been and when i was in like first grade they taught us about segregation in school yeah it seems very young but I was very young because I I have actually only the faintest memory of this you got into first grade at age four I was in first grade and so I went home I got home from school and i went up to my dad and i said dad i can't i'm so sorry they made you drink out of a different water fountain when you were young

and that's how i found out my dad was not black he was like wait how dark is your dad compared to compare he's he's like not even that dark but he was he's white he looks like a very tan white man is what he looks like okay wow wow he looks like he's lived on a beach for a long time okay that sounds like a happy man yeah well that's complicated. I'm going to picture him with a smile on his face on the beach. Yeah. Saying, April, you go and get him out there on the stage. And he's drinking out of whatever water fountain he wants to on that beach. Yeah.

I thought he was drinking a Corona with a lime. He could be Mexican. He could be Mexican. I wasn't saying that because I thought he was Mexican. I just was, you know, if your dad likes the beach so much, he probably likes a corona cold with a lime yeah true just it's so fascinating seeing how jock's mind works and how he can thinking of someone thinking of a person for two minutes he can form a completely weird and wrong portrait of them in his mind absolutely no jock you're actually pretty dead on.

Because I'm imagining just like an advertisement of a Corona man, dad on the beach, open shirt. Vin Diesel. He's like, you, April, you have a wonderful day at the comedian's table and make him laugh. Oh, that'd be nice.

I would love to hear that. What if Barack Obama told you that? No, I wouldn't like to hear that from Barack Obama. No? No. Would you bomb on purpose? What? Would you bomb on purpose?

Yeah, I would bomb on purpose. I would. How would you bomb on purpose? Have you ever thought about this? Yeah. If you wanted to bomb on purpose. I would... How would you bomb on purpose? Have you ever thought about this? Yeah. If you wanted to bomb on purpose. I have. Well, for a long time, I had this idea.

I think I've talked about this with you before, Hessa, and I think the reason I wouldn't do this is because I think it would just bomb. But I had this idea of going on stage and doing verbatim a Joe Rogan set. Oh, yeah. Because I have the idea that

if I said if I was ever going to do a stand-up set, it would just be Che Diaz's set, word for word. Love her set. Her set would actually kind of... It's they. It's they. No, Che is they. It's they It's they No it's she No Che is they

It's they Guess what I don't give a fuck No the name not the pronouns It's pronounced they Che they them Che them It's them Diaz How many people here

Clap if you fucked me Clap if I fucked you Clap if you fucked me Clap if I fucked you Clap if you want me to fuck you I can't believe They killed Shay off It's so sad I'm so mad What's going to happen with that

Sarah Ramirez is not in No one's going to watch it Now Samantha's in every episode Again I heard that but I don't know if it's real is what's going to happen. No one's going to go, oh, fuck. Now Samantha's in every episode again. Wait, Samantha. Wait, is that real? You're being dead serious? I heard that,

but I don't know if it's real, but I did hear that. It is, from what I've heard, from what I've heard, she is in every episode, but still will never be on screen with any of the other girls. That's so amazing.

I hope that she's CGI'd in, like, over a green screen on every show. Yes, absolutely. She's always kind of walking in from off camera like clearly on a green screen she's always two feet away from them I hope it's just like sisterhood of the traveling

urn and it's just like her urn at different like at the girls different houses she's alive if she comes back she might be dead I feel like that's the only way Samantha's character is back and she only comes out

as a ghost so that she doesn't have to actually film well ghost is an urn it might be urn I like the urn idea your ghost is in the shape of an urn that's true that would suck that would fucking suck holographic urn that's true that would suck that would fucking suck

holographic urn that floats around and talks to me so they promo that Samantha's gonna be fully back that Kim Cattrall's gonna be back but then it's just the urn for the first six episodes and in the seventh episode there's no dialogue no other characters

every episode is a static shot of an urn with ambient music playing as it slowly zooms out yeah that's how i would do it that reminds me of one of one of my favorite jokes of yours that you always talked about doing on stage that i i assume you've never done no do you know what i'm talking about yeah of buying it being being doing a stand-up set and saying my mom is in the audience tonight and i point at a table in the back get everyone applauding and then point at a table in the back and there's an urn with a picture of my mom next to it i remember it's on a table it's a great show it's pretty good i think that's great you gotta

Hessa you should come to LA and do my show I would she'll have to leave 8 days in advance so she can make it by train time be careful April you should take Hessa

and do a show with her. You should take Hessa. Jacques is not jealous. He's not jealous at all. No, he's not jealous at all. I didn't just spit blood in the sink. There's no jealousy here. You didn't. We've been watching you.

Did you just spit blood in the sink? A little bit. Why? Are you bleeding out of your mouth i just don't know i this is uh i just don't know this is just a new a new problem i'm gonna have to deal with it after the recording you've got to get your life together you could be bleeding out of your mouth like that that's crazy it's not fine it's really disturbing as your friend getting your life together is so hard though i know thank you i know to be honest y'all i'm pretty ahead of myself right now yeah how are you how are you guys doing what does that mean yeah i just want to know what that means

i am you know things could be worse I've gotten the wisdom teeth out. I've secured some multiple housing. I've got four vacations at home. What does that mean? You've bought a property or you're stringing along three different subletes? I'm stringing along several friends in different cities. I'm posting on Instagram. I'm looking to sublet four places in New York.

Please help me. I need seven. I need seven places to sublet. I need seven sublets for these different days. I'm not even going to sublet city I'm looking at or state, but I found a place for four Are you going to try to be anonymous on the show now?

I'm not going to be anonymous. I'm just going to tease it. You're going to try to be anonymous on this show now? I'm not going to be anonymous. I'm just going to tease it. You're going to slowly... You're going to tease the address drop. My stomach has not been hurting much lately. I left the doctor and they... Yay! The only thing that could be wrong with me is my ankle might be broken, but I'll get the x-rays tomorrow.

Oh, no. That's so sad. It's fractured. It's fractured or something. Oh, my gosh. I have a really good idea for this show. I think you guys should announce that Jacques is leaving, and then the very episode after Jacques leaves,

there is a third host, but it's just a heavily voice-filtered, like, clearly Jacques still on the show not really an anonymous person though also jock i'm i'm sorry to i'm sorry to inform you this but i don't think i don't think you would be able to run away from bike meth heads if your ankle was broken. Well, no. Okay, so let me just put I have to get an x-ray tomorrow because

I keep swelling up really big. And the original injury, I was trying to walk my roommate's dog while he had, because he couldn't go outside in the sun because he had a hair transplant in Turkey and you can't you'll get sunburned

so I was watching his dog a lot and this time it was raining outside and the dog had taken a really nasty disgusting shit and this one time I was like I can't pick this up. Wait did you fall into the poop? No no no no so I started running away with the dog.

From the poop? Is there anyone around? You were running away from the poop? No. Why were you running? But then the dog saw a squirrel running up the tree and jolted me in the wrong direction. I was wearing my frigging Yeezy pods.

I did a slippy. You don't need to get that close to the mic. But I slipped so bad. I did a slippy I actually was wearing my Crocs But I slipped so bad I heard a pop noise So this is a different ankle injury Than the one you had like a week ago Where you fell down the stairs Oh well I didn't Okay let me clarify

I thought this was an injury you got When you tripped and fell down the spiral staircase Oh no no I just made that worse Oh no Got it This was an injury you got when you tripped and fell down the spiral staircase. Oh, no, no. I just made that worse. Oh, no. Got it. Okay. So next week you'll be on like a wheel or something.

Well, I'm just skating. We have talked about the wheel. The wheel option. Oh, yeah. They want me to cut my foot off. They want me to remove my feet medically. And then. Well, at least it's medically. Yeah, exactly.

It's for medical reasons. It's medical reasoning. It's not for fun reasons or for bullying reasons or for laughing reasons. I love laughing. It's not for fun. And they want you to get a wheel? They want me to remove my feet medically

and then replace that with wheels. fun. And they want you to get a wheel? They want me to remove my feet medically. Just one of them. With wheels. So you guys are like Munchausen by proxying Jacques for podcast content? I don't know. I don't have to say that. No, no, no. April, it's called gaslighting, and yes, they are

doing it again. I mean, in all honesty, it's something Jacques does to himself. There were no plans to. They know I'm scared of the super volcano, and then they just go off in the group chat. Super volcano this, super volcano that. Wait, what's the super volcano?

It's the yellowstone caldera. Oh, cool. April, don't say cool. It's the yellowstone caldera. It's about to explode. Is it going to get us? Yeah, it's going to get everyone. It's going to cover the entire...

Shut up. It's going to cover the entire country in 12 feet of volcanic ash almost immediately. That can't be true. It's true, April. It's going to happen in the next century. The entire western United States will be covered in 12 to 6 feet of burning volcanic ash that will, you know, almost immediately kill everyone and all forms of life within that region. Do you get scared easily? Can you shut up?

And then the after, the giant plumes of, you know, volcanic ash and smoke, all these things that will start fires will, you know, blot out the sky in places as far as New York City. I'll probably just stay inside. I'll probably just stay inside and be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be okay if you stay inside, but they do say a lot of the forest fires will hit Louisiana and the Acadiana region particularly hard. Shut the fuck up!

I hate this place! I can't be true! It's because the wind patterns are going to carry the hottest embers from the billion-year-old volcano down into West Texas, where there are a lot of pine trees, and eastern Louisiana. We should get a new volcano. Sorry, east Texas, west Louisiana. I would like a new volcano. Girl, Denver's immediately blanketed in ash. They're mummified immediately.

It's like Pompeii, okay? They're gone. We won't even find their bodies. I gotta get a doctor. But it could happen. It could happen anytime. I mean, this week there was... Getting a doctor's note to get out of the Super Bowl.

There was a massive eruption. I really don't want to be burned alive. Please. There was a massive eruption at something called don't want to be burned alive. Please. There was a massive eruption at something called Biscuit Basin. It sounds fake, but it's entirely true. You can't trust a gay person.

It's entirely true. It was one of the... It sounds like a Fortnite location, but it is true. It sounds like a Mario Kart map. It was the largest recorded eruption from Yellowstone it was one of the biggest ever it was the largest recorded eruption from

Yellowstone in a couple thousand years so there's expecting that this is starting to tease us with a big one did you hear about the forest fire at Koopa Cape? I did I heard about this

it's so bad. Please help them. It's really sad. Even worse was that tsunami at Silent Hill. Did you hear about the... Yeah, it's a different video game. Not a map or anything. Totally different.

I am serious. I am serious about the... I am serious about the... I am serious about the Alistair stuff. It is happening. Did you guys hear about the Blizzard in Netflix? Yeah. Period. I did, and that's why she gets paid the big bucks.

There's a Blizzard in Netflix. Yep. She does hear about the... The guy who presents the new Netflix original movie, Blizzard. Okay, that's a different angle. They put a Blizzard in Netflix. We're getting further and further

away from what we were talking about. A different angle, but yeah, I love it. Love it. What's the plot of Blizzard by Girl God for Netflix, Jacques? Jacques and April, I want to get... I'll chip in and say if things are true or not.

The main characters's names are Mace and... Grape Roll. Mace and Grape. Mace and Grape Roll are best friends and decide to... What are their genders?

You don't know. Mace. Mace is a woman. Okay, yeah. Mace. Did she choose her own name or was it given? Yeah, why is her name Mace?

Because she's a big Mace Windu fan. She loved Phantom and that was her chosen name. Is she white? We haven't decided on the ethnicity of these. It's open casting. Open casting call.

Any ethnicity on the table. I'm thinking like maybe like What are you thinking? What are you thinking? Sandia as Selena Gomez as the two main characters. But anyway.

Oh. But anyway, so Mason and Grapefruit are deciding to go visit their girlfriends because they're lesbians. Yeah. During Christmas

and they get stuck in a blizzard in Minneapolis on the way to their girlfriends' family's rural houses that are next door to each other. Okay, so their girlfriends, is that a coincidence that their girlfriends'

rural houses are next door to each other? We're kind of like sister wives yeah yeah no it was just a coincidence y'all it's actually y'all y'all y'all y'all all met in college at in so it's not a coincidence at all yeah it's not a coincidence at all they go to college what is the name of the saint paul one you got it you got it you got it no you got it you're so close it's not ann murray murray no keep going keep guessing annapolis military school yes ding ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. West Point. They went to West Point together.

Oh, fuck. Yes, they all went to West Point together. They're all officers in the U.S. Army. Okay, um, God, I can't even think of that damn college. What happens? Is that all that happens? No, no, no, no, let me tell you why. So, they are constantly calling their

girlfriend saying, oh, another, like, another goofy slapstick reason. Another blizzard just happened. We accidentally hit a boost. Now we're having a walk. The movie is equally dedicated to funny slapstick things happening and then equal amount of time to us

recounting those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calling your girlfriends and explaining what just happened. And the girlfriends are getting angrier and angrier. And the parents are ready to cut the turkey. The parents? Yeah, the girlfriends' parents and your parents are there.

How old is everyone in this? 30 and 50. We're all in our 30s. The parents are 50 and all of the adults who are normal age are 30. They had kids young. They went to college young. They all had kids at 20.

And there's a bunch of lines about how the parents had kids young. It's just a comedy about two lesbian girls trying to get to their girlfriend's Christmas celebration at their respective parents' house. But they hit a moose. Yeah, they hit a moose.

And they call their girlfriends and say they hit a moose. And then what's another thing that happens during the blizzard to keep them away? They accidentally run into Santa Claus. And they hit his... Oh, accidentally? So they just keep hitting things with their car. That's the only thing that happens. Because they can't see it's the blizzard.

And they accidentally hit his sleigh. And he's like, bitches. He parked on the road. He's like, no. Why is Santa parked on the highway? Because it was a blizzard. He had to pull over. Also, it's Thanksgiving.

No, no, no. It's Christmas. I said it was Christmas. I thought you said Thanksgiving. No, no, because I said that after Turkey. I remember Turkey being involved. Oh, you said Turkey. Okay. I don't understand why this is a really hard to grasp concept for a movie.

Okay, what's another thing that keeps them? What do they do with Santa? Oh, and then y'all are stoners. And so y'all keep stopping concept for a movie. Okay, what's another thing that keeps them? What do they do with Santa? Y'all are stoners, and so y'all keep stopping to do dabs and say, well, where are you in the blizzard? And y'all keep ending up in even worse shenanigans and your girlfriends are getting more

and more upset. Santa Claus is in the backseat and he's getting pissed off because he's like, I don't even want to go to this party. He's with them now. Why does he join them? Why does he join them? Because they hit his sleigh and he was stuck on the highway.

Oh, so he needs a ride to like Minneapolis or. He said he was just going to finish his work the next day. He just wanted to. I assumed he would need a ride so that he can get back to a checkpoint or something he just he's with them for no reason no no he's he's tagging along because he's kind of a mooch and he keeps smoking all their dope too okay so what happens next what's the next he keeps smoking So do they keep getting more weed throughout the... Yeah, so then finally,

because they end up in the blizzard, they accidentally drive into a pot field. In the blizzard. And people with guns come out, and they say, get out of our pot feet. And so they start shooting at Santa and at y'all, and y'all have to get out on foot with your Christmas presents.

So your girlfriends don't get upset because you'll have to have the Christmas presents, not your luggage. You leave the luggage and you just keep running. And y'all think y'all are barely going to make it. I mean, it has gone on. This movie is like three hours long. People are walking out of it. And two things have happened in it, by the way. Well, again, Hester, to remember equal parts of the movie are

dedicated to us explaining what just happened and trying high as fuck trying to explain what just happened it's really only a 90 minute movie and the things that just happened are we hit a moose and Santa Claus is in the car with us

and he's smoking all of our weed and we drove into a pot field and got shot at with guns. Yeah. That's kind of a lot. That's a lot. That's about three hours. But there was 90 minutes. The final scene is that y'all have just been walking in the middle of the wilderness and you think that you're never

going to give your presents to your girlfriends and Santa is starting to really smell bad. And we really need to get it. We just, it's just part of the, they're like, Jesus Christ, Santa, really smell bad. And we really need to get it. It's just part of the, they're like, Jesus Christ, Santa, you smell terrible. And finally, guys, you put the snow off of your glasses, wipe it with your little fingers, and then all of a sudden you reveal, this is our girlfriend's backyard. and you reveal,

this is our girlfriend's backyard. And all the family is standing outside under heaters, all wearing Hawaiian shirts because it's a Hawaiian-themed barbecue. They also have the traditional turkey. The traditional Christmas turkey, of course. And you showed up with a strange man. Who smells.

Final scene, Grape Roll and Mace kneel in front of their girlfriends and they unwrap huge presents that turn out to be diamonds the size of a human head.

And they're like, you women are so perfect and beautiful. Y'all deserve the biggest diamonds in the world. We got our girlfriend the same thing. And Santa Claus, y'all turn to Santa Claus and wink, and he winks back because he gave y'all the diamonds. That's amazing. He changed out the presents.

And I'm taking a lot from the format of Dude, Where's My Car? I watched that. I was curious which movie you were ripping off. Yeah, I was curious what you were stealing from. Well, that's amazing. Thanks, Jacques. It's a beautiful movie. It's like when you ask a hyperactive toddler how their day was.

And all of that actually happened to Jacques. Yeah. That's all something real that happened. Sadly, that's all based on a true story. Normandy. Yeah. That's what happened at the beaches of Normandy. That's what happened. The snowy beaches.

I just gotta text the guy that I'm staying at. Hey, I'm in the bathroom. Just in case he can't tell. Bathroom. Had to record in here. Echo. Not good for lesbians they don't like do not like when stuff echoes scary for them wait so can we go would you guys mind if we go all the way back to the kamala thing

yeah yeah because i have some questions about how that happened and yeah i think they just had a theory about it white women will go to a zoom they love going on zoom they love tele like teleconferencing yeah i think they hear kamala zoom democratic fundraising and that's sure but i don't know i don't understand why it had to be white women only. Because they already had a black woman, Kamala, so they didn't, so...

I get to be like, we have to do our part. Let me put a common denominator out there. All white women, supposedly in this lobby, correct? Sure. What if they're probably just all Charlie XCXBrat

fans that thought that Charlie might come into this, join the Zoom? That's true. Yeah, well, Charlie wasn't allowed because she's not white. She's not white. She didn't pass the test. Yeah. It's white women only.

Sorry, Charlie. You have to go to the Indian Zoom. What's up with that? Are a bunch of gay guys actually going to vote for Kamala just because... I don't know, girl. I cannot tell who's joking anymore. I don't know. I keep seeing things and I'm like, wait, are we...

Really? I can't... I don't know if they know if they're joking or not. I think it's just something they're doing and they'll figure out whether or not they're going to vote for her. I think that's why it's confusing. You're so brain-rotted. I was brutalized about Kamala

and hosting a live show. How many people got mad at you, Jacques? Can you count them? On one hand? 15, at least. Let's read the statement. Stand by, stand by, stand by. 15 at least. Wait, what did you want? Let's read the statement. Let's read the statement. You just say it, all right? Stand by, stand by, stand by.

One DM was said. Let me read, can I read the statement for the listeners before we start talking for 45 minutes? So Jock posted a Notes app statement to his Instagram. Oh, I saw that. I loved it. Yeah, let's read it. Kamala, Kamala Brat, which I personally,

I love this statement. i thought it was which this is after we had discussed it on the last episode after i was getting really heated and i was tired of hearing about it but i think that's okay yeah so this is this is the statement y'all were too busy brats y'all were too busy brats somewhere in to stop and say kamala brat has gone too far and y'all would rather Yas Queen, the lady who wants to throw everyone in jail, and has before, and will again. Kamala is not our friend. Charlie, did you get paid to say

Kamala is Bratt? Just be honest. There's no punctuation in this time. I want to address some things very quickly in the media. First of all, I don't have any political faction that i am representing or am i trying to say anything outside of we should critique kamala about her relationship with the prison industrial complex and her record of incarceration and the the amount of like it's

like i don't know also jock i don't mean to be a bitch to you, but you were arguing with people in the comments and you kept spelling incarceration incarnation. And you were like, y'all need to look up the incarnation rates of Kamala Brant. Because he's too much, y'all. The incarnation is... All the DMs say that I was being anti-black,

transphobic, misogynistic. Transphobic? Yes. They were like, it is so inherently transphobic of you to suggest anything otherwise than Kamala because she is the only person that would protect our rights, which I'm like. This sounds like something only you could say. This sounds like a sentence only you could come up with. I don't know.

What do you mean there are people out there who feel that way no no no i i look i'm that not voting for kamala is transphobic this is like the like liberal argument right now is that like in a very downstream way wants to kill palestinians and yes kamala wants to do this but at least she doesn't want to take away gay marriage. I guess. That's the position that they're I'm all for critiquing Kamala.

You did delete the post. Because I was getting so pissed off that people were like, this is not bestie, this is not the hill you want to die on. And when I got that DM, I was bad as hell. You deleted it. You didn't want to die on that hill no well yeah i'll die on that hill it's a very easy hill to die on and not voted for kamala harris

very ideologically sound i never even said like that was even said i was gonna even vote i mean what i always said was like come come on, dude. Think about it. Kamala Brant has gone too far. I totally agree with that. Why do we need an English pop star? You were right. You spilled. Mind your own politics, bitch.

Mind your own fucking business, bitch. She's never done a single political thing in my fucking understanding of my life. The thing is, Jock, she's always just been a kind of vaguely liberal person. I'm not mad at Charlie XCX for personally saying something vaguely positive about Kamala Harris. I don't care. It's not like I'm going to move the needle one way or the other. It just felt like a sellout move. Charlie does not run her own Twitter, right?

And more likely than not, someone someone offered money someone asked charlie hey can we tweet this and she signed off on it and it went out like i don't know if she was offered money i still don't i don't think she was paid i think that this this is this you know if if if if parties have like an interest there's no need for a formal conspiracy right these are two people who are in the game of self-promotion for either their new album or for their new you know uh presidential run like these are two people who don't literally do not have an album yes it's not shocking to me at all that both of these people see in each other a vested interest to, you know, support their thing by making a little PR. To me, it's a very funny thing to assume that there's some kind of that there needs to be an exchange of money to get Charlie to say something that will expose her album to hundreds of thousands of normies found out what brat was that day of 164 000 they found out

what brat was that day because cnn and msnbc and all of these smaller mainstream media outlets were being like kamala's brat here about brat like it was a it was major for her to do that it helped her album like sure so i don't i don't think i think if anything it probably helped charlie in the in the short yeah that's a good point i hadn't really thought about it like that did you guys see that the the minions were at the paris olympics opening ceremony yes i did oh my god i was like why my friend was watching it with me. He said, why is it going yellow submarine? I'm tired of minions beating cis women in swim meets. Exactly.

We need to get the minions out of sports. We need to get minions out of human sports. I get that they want to compete, but every time a minion takes first place and a cis woman takes second place, it's like, okay okay we all know who really because of the weird cartoon rules that they operate under they have a biological advantage they're shaped like little

bullets they can swim so quickly they're so tiny and they can use cartoons silly they can like fart to propel themselves it's just not fair is a trans woman farting to propel herself across the gate

the same reason trans women can't either because a trans woman can fart so hard that it propels her across the pool but a cis woman can't do that like a motorboat one of the minions had a big fat ass and it got stuck in the

like hole of the submarine because of his ass or her ass or whatever and i was just like what is this got to do with france and then they if you saw the whole opening ceremonies they had a metal band which i didn't even know french people had a famous metal band well yeah magma yeah i don't i don't even think it was that it was something else yeah not. I think Magma's dead. Okay, but then on top of that, they had a tectonic dance moment, which I thought, okay, amazing.

Then Lady Gaga comes out. They keep covering her face up, all these people with these big loofahs looking tool things. And she comes out and then she doesn't even sing poker face. She sings something in French. I'm like'm like okay but that's not fair you can't bring lady gaga out and make her sing some dumb french song instead of getting her to sing poker face or paparazzi would have been so bad romance i would have loved that they had a lot of songs in english you had a lot of song in english i i wouldn't have been happy if she did this. But anyway, she just, you know,

she didn't deliver enough. She looked very uncomfortable. She honestly looked a little out of shape. She forgot to take her Nertec. Why did she look out of shape? Was she fat? What do you mean? Why do you hate women?

She just didn't look like she was at her athletic prowess. If you are going to be... Her athletic what? She wasn't at her athletic top stats. She could have been... I don't know. I think if you're going to perform at the Olympics, you better be training like Olympians.

What would you rate her performance? Say it was an Olympic performance. What would you rate it? Three out of ten. Wow. Because she was fat. No, did i ever fucking say fat which is wondering oh god i i'm not going to talk about anything about fat or the way you weigh a lot ben so don't try to trap me into your little mind games okay what do you guys think you're going to compete in this year? I'm probably going to do the decathlon following Caitlin's footsteps.

The decathlon, famously the events are walking. It's five events, right? And it's for old people, right? You have to hit someone with your car. Well, the events are walking, running, jumping, sitting, and standing. And you have to do each of them for 10 miles

and one after the other and that's pretty much the beauty of the decathlon oh no crawling also is one of them so it's they play that song crawling the whole time while they're crawling

for the final 4 minutes they could, they can but it's not part of the thing. They didn't do that in ancient Rome when they had the decathlon. I'm probably going to do snowboarding. Yeah? That's cool. I've never seen a snowboard.

Are you good? You seem like you'd be good at snowboarding. No, I've never done it. You've never done it, actually. You do kind of look like an SSX tricky character. Yeah. That's a compliment. I think I'd be good at it.

You know? I'm probably going to do snowboarding and maybe take home gold. I don't know. It'll depend on how I'm feeling on the day when I wake up. I might just stay home. Yeah. There's always next year

wait I actually changed my mind you didn't even say anything you didn't say a sport yet I said breakdancing but I want to do the thing they did what did they do on cool running bobsled toboggan

I want to do it with that team too yeah Jock we should be a bobsledding team but you have to kick off one person on the cool running scheme well good thing I don't know a single one of their names so I'll draw it out of the hat let's just start our own let's do our own bobsled team

there's four of us that's enough yeah I don't know how many people you can fit on one Hessa, April, me and Grace when she gets over COVID. Showing up with too many people and being like, hey, is it fine if we all cram? I think it's fine, right? We all fit.

It's fine. I think it's actually a disability for us, and we're showing how we can get over adversity. It's a disability to have one too many people in your box i was watching this um uh this thing where it was like your bobsled is allowed to park close to the grocery store if it has one too many i was watching this tiktok recently it was like korean pop stars you didn't know who had disabilities and it was listing all these different people and then it was like she has anxiety and then the comment was um i'm so sorry guys i did not know that anxiety was not a disability anxiety is a disability i'm super anxious about being in a wheelchair all the time

exactly you're gonna end up in one no i'm in this joke i'm currently in one this joke takes place in a world where i'm currently in a wheelchair and i'm so anxious and that's my disability that's the disability okay because i was so surprised you look really healthy and i was like why would she end up in the wheelchairs well people in wheelchairs can be healthy and look healthy well yeah kind of interesting see it's interesting i'm saying that if since i've seen april a lot and she's never been in a wheelchair for her to suddenly be in a wheelchair would indicate something has changed in her health that's i'm not trying to say that that's true just being a wheelchair doesn't make fair enough. It doesn't make you disabled. It doesn't make you disabled.

I'm so sorry. Anxiety is the disability. I prefer to see being in a wheelchair as my superpower. ADHD. Okay, let's not forget ADHD. Anxiety and ADHD are the disability. Yes. Yes.

Ben, what event would you compete in? You haven't gotten your answer yet. Diving. I love diving. I love the divers. What's a Latino sport that they have at the Olympics? Soccer, perhaps?

I think the Latino countries. Ben would be a great goalie. Maybe. Why is that? He's great at stopping balls. Wow. Let's great at stopping balls. Wow. Let's take the low road.

Stop saying the low road. It's more incomprehensible. You're kind of off-roading, really. I've been off-roading for the last two months. Off-road. I'm starting to get a little worried. Off-road. Say something that makes no sense.

First goal of doing stand up It's like make sense That's a good goal Most people don't do that Number two coherent Thoughts What's one of your jokes Enunciate Can we do one of your jokes in April

Can we wrap up on one joke and a critique? Yeah. Okay. He's going to make it up right now. No, no. I'm going off of what I did. Is this a joke you did

at the Mothership? I was never performing at the Mothership. I was saying I went there and I was inspired to go and do comedy there. He wants to destroy it. Give us your best joke. Please.

My family always had a really good way of pushing me so I could be the best version of myself, which was making up a fake dead sibling to compare me throughout my entire life. His name was Tommy Gonsolin. I'm Jacques Gonsolin.

And Tommy Gonsolin only lived to be about 17, 18 years old, but just a little bit older than me. And he was just so good in school. He was an A plus student he never made mistakes he didn't talk back you know he was healthy he was just on the football team and he died under mysterious but tragic circumstances and throughout my entire life i've been compared to him and this this they would put out an extra spot at christmas of tableware and i would say who's coming to christmas dinner and they say that's for tommy that's for tommy's memorial

and it went on till i was like 17 or 18 and the climax was that they gave me an engraved iPod Nano that or small iPod that said Tommy Gonsolin and with a sharpie they crossed out Tommy and wrote Jacques

and that was my Christmas gift that's a really good joke personally I love the joke I think it's an amazing joke okay I have my thought first thought

right off the bat Jacques I just want to say that's an incredible joke. I wonder, is there any way you could incorporate maybe some kind of Q&A in the middle? Like maybe a Q&A section for the joke? Because I had some questions. Absolutely. Fire me. Yeah, so my questions.

Fire me right now. The questions that were coming my questions right now the questions that were coming to me right around the middle and by the end of the joke i realized these questions didn't really matter yeah but you let me kind of stew in these questions for a very long time and the questions were so is tommy real and i could use a little clarification about the story that you were told I was told you had a brother who had died at age 17 before you were even born um he yes well they were

I was born yeah he had lived and died and then I was born the climax of this joke isn't you finding out that he wasn't real no the climax of the iPod of course of course the climax of this joke isn't you finding out that he wasn't real. No, the climax of the iPod, of course. Of course the climax of the iPod. I never was confirmed if he was real or not.

He might still be real. He could still be real. It's confusing, Jacques. I will say, I have met Tommy. You open the joke by saying he's fake. You open by saying it's not real. And then you start to talk about him like he is real. So that's where my confusion came from.

It's just part of the joke. It's not even part of the joke. That's just how I was raised so hard to believe that there was a dead sibling that I needed to live up to. And look how far I've come. And the funniest part about that is the iPad. Yes. I think the iPod is a great touch I think leave that I love the iPod you need the iPod

it's the climax you can't have without the climax yeah that's pretty much it the only other thing I will say one sentence I said I opened up a joke with saying The opening of my set

Last time was There was one single tragedy Throughout my entire life That shaped everything That I've ever done 9-11 Wow oh my god That's a strong opening

That's good I really want to see you do stand up i would kill i would kill someone to see you do stand up job you want me with an impression of you what is that okay april shenanigans clark comedian and and I'm here to say I'm here to do comedy for the gays and the lesbians thank you thanks Sean

yeah that's good no you got me I think really good I think you got me when I was young when I was like four I used to tell my parents I wanted to grow up to be Canadian because I thought that it was how you said comedian. It's an honor. It's an honor.

So true. Okay, April, you did say at the beginning that you had two things to plug. What's the other thing? The other thing I was going to plug was my Patreon for my podcast that if you're already listening to Seeking Derangements

I would say just keep listening to that because it's a better show definitely. Absolutely not. Stop. I've never listened but I heard it's great. April shut up. If you've got room for another show or maybe you want to kind of downgrade the show you're

listening to because Seeking Derangements is so good it makes you feel bad about yourself, you should listen to our show because it'll make you feel good about yourself because you'll be like they make money doing this at all? And you can go to our Patreon and support our show even if you want to keep enabling

us toward our inevitable crashing and burning. I want to keep enabling us toward our inevitable crashing and burning. I want to follow up really quickly on that. There's got to be a lot of listeners for Skink of Hatred that listen and think, I feel so much better about myself. Thank God I'm not them.

I think that's why a lot of people listen, to be honest with you. But hey, you know. Hey, April. It was really good to see you. I miss you. Bye. Thank you so much for coming on. Everyone buy tickets for April's show and go to it was really good to see you I miss you Jocko it was great to see you I miss you too thank you so much for coming on everyone buy tickets for April's show and go to April's show it's urgent there's about 100 tickets left

so I need you to sell those where can you get the tickets from you can get them we'll put the link in the bio be in the link of this podcast and in all of my bios on all of my social media you'll find it. This is in Los Angeles at

the Tallahassee Laugh Factory. The Tallahassee Laugh Factory, the Elysian Theater on August 17th, Saturday at 8pm at the Tallahassee Laugh Factory. Wait, wait, say the date in the actual venue before I

confuse the Tallahassee laugh factor. I just did. She just said it. She just said it. August 17th, Saturday at 8 p.m. at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles. Okay, thank you, April. Thank you, guys.

Bye. Goodbye, everyone. Bye. The Archangel Sleeping Bye. Goodbye, the old man himself is mad as a loon because all his kids are singing a tune. Look out, Paul, there's monkeys on the moon. Monkeys on the moon, monkeys on the moon. See how they bounce from dune to dune.

Came a long way in a golden cocoon all the way from a green balloon. Just a plant-fired small big baboon, look out for, it's not his own moon. Long time from now In a place very far In the court of a castle on a star A mad jester tunes his fiery guitar And with a grin he says to the Tsar I'm gonna sing you an ancient tune

Look how far the monkey's on the moon The monkey's on the moon, the monkey's on the moon. Monkeys on the moon, monkeys on the moon. See how they bounce, it's gonna do-na-do. Came a long way in a golden cocoon. All the way from a green cocoon. Just plantin' flags for the people out there. Look out far, there's monkeys on the moon. Look out far, there's monkeys on the moon.