Seeking Derangements - SD 334 - The Hesse And Masha Show (ft. Masha Breeze & Trudy Bonfires)

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

It’s a trans girl takeover! Hesse is joined by Masha Breeze to talk Sex and the City, solutions for Olympic gender problems, and Masha’s iconic boss. Then, a very special guest drops in for the interview of a lifetime: the first trans woman ever Trudy Bonfires drops in to talk about her new book and spill the tea about Eleanor Roosevelt and Karl Marx. Follow Masha on twitter @MashaParty and subscribe to us on Patreon for a weekly bonus episode

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exactly no that's exactly right yeah i think that's the equation he solves in goodwill hunting yeah he's trying to figure out how what a gay woman is um so masha our listeners might not know me for many things yeah well no no no So Masha, our listeners might not know. Me from anything. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. I am Hess's niece. Yes. And this is my bar mitzvah present.

Yeah. Shalom. I did the bris. And that's why you're trans. Yep. Because I fucked it up really bad. You really up i tried human flesh for the first time before doing this bris and i loved it and now i i withdraw so now i was i was shaking like in the book of eli remember yep you don't remember you have no idea but i believe it but we were

talking about sex in the city before i turned on the record oh yeah okay so i've been watching sex in the city for the first time um and i don't know in conversations with friends it's always been like okay like which of these women are you and then i started watching it and i was like i'm none of these people because they're all fucking evil. Yeah they're all crazy. Um yeah Samantha is the only morally redeemable one in my mind. Well you'll see. Samantha has

her own has her issues we'll say but I think um Carrie does kind of get better when she starts wanting to kill herself later in the show. Many such cases. Yeah. Carrie does kind of get better when she starts wanting to kill herself later in the show. Many such cases.

Yeah. After I paid $70 for my own birthday cake, I was totally out of the party mood. So I decided to go home and kill myself. She really starts having a bad time and being the most put-upon person on the planet. Actually, she doesn't actually get better. I don't know why I said that.

Yeah, right now she's just sort of contriving these Machiavellian machinations to try to get big to do what she wants. But she's really bad at it. It's very obvious what she's doing. I mean, season one Carrie was a queen. Yeah, yeah. I love her.

In episode one, I'm like, oh, this is the queen of New York. Yeah. She's the most powerful woman in the world. Yeah. She's so cool. She's so upset that they put a cunty picture of her on the front of the magazine. And the headline was like, women should we kill women do women suck um miranda's crazy miranda's crazy miranda is just like lesbian career career yeah she's also like every other line that she has is like wouldn't it be crazy if i if we fucked like

if all of us women had yes i remember exactly the line from exactly the episode that you were talking about. It's like all of them in an, I don't know if they're in an elevator or something or if they're at lunch, but it's Miranda being like, sometimes I wish just that we could all just,

that it could just be us. Yeah. You know, sometimes I wish we could be living in Bushwick in a polycule or in, in, what's it called?

Ridgewood. I don't know why I forgot the name of Ridgewood for a second. Just eating each other out. Just lezzing out. I just know no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Christy Turlington, I just want to give up. Well, I just want to tie her down and force feed her lard,

but that's the difference between you and me. If I don get a man tomorrow i'm gonna fuck you guys well she does become lesbian in the spin-off show oh right because jay diaz shows up yeah and turns her around um the only part of that show that i have seen is the sex scene between her and che diaz where she's just like ah yes incredible there are some great i mean whoever made both shows is like they just hate miranda so much yeah and women yes absolutely it's like i mean miranda especially like in in the remake there's a scene where miranda is in a sensory deprivation tank fully nude like cynthia nixon slaying like 65 years old but like fully nude and she tries climbing out of the sensory deprivation tank and just falls and she's like oh i hurt my back she's just rolling around like a turtle on the floor and it's like oh help me and it's like is this

supposed to be funny this is sad as fuck why would you make her do this like cynthia girl have some self-respect um there's also a scene where hillary clinton um uh shits herself and then can't remember where where she was born or her name is. I don't know if you remember. Wait, really? No. Okay. I was going to say. There's a scene where Hillary Clinton is rifling through her pantry and she keeps going,

Me want food. Yes. There's a scene where Hillary is looking through a Rolodex of children's names and ages. And she's like, I got uh i gotta get oh it's so hard to find something for bill for his birthday um what do you get the man who has everything yeah a child yes exactly you get him a child you get him a fun little flight so masha you you work at a furniture store i worked at a okay you no longer work there which is a very exciting development yes tomorrow will be one week since my last day there shalom congratulations um god where to begin i feel like some some of the people who listen to this podcast who live in

new york or have lived in in New York will know this place that I'm talking about so I'm not going to mention it by name yeah but it's it's pretty infamous um if you do I can beep it out too yeah um it's like a vintage slash antique slash furniture store um run by the most like roald dahlian villain in the world she um a rhino yeah um yes uh she she used to live in the store um the store is infested with rats so they don't come out during the day but like at night when i'm closing up or when i would be closing up you would just suddenly all the rats would come out and you'd hear squeaking and store rats are bold yes they don't care if there's a person there they're like so happy and so well fed um uh so yeah so she has been running the store for like 20, 30 years now. It's like a staple in Williamsburg.

Can you describe her physically? She has a very hunched appearance. Her hair is gray and sort of she cuts it at the counter in the store, like while people are milling around and in front of people. It's sort of an uneven but very bold chop. Bold chop. i love that she's participating in les out july um because every time you've told me about her told me a story about her i've been like okay this is a queen and you're like no she's not well i mean in a way she is because she's like she has absolutely like found her favorite things in life and just done them forever which is yeah but they don't make her any happier no her favorite things are like

making money and humiliating people yeah especially like french tourists she loves to yell at french tourists okay again a queen yeah i'm loving this i'm loving her yeah um her favorite well one of her favorite activities to do in the store would be to gather as many rats as she could into a trash can and then take the store sledgehammer and start bashing them in the trash can like she was like churning butter like one of those like those uh viral videos of the japanese mochi guy you ever see that yeah well they were inspired by her um actually the the word mochi comes from the Japanese words for rat and bat. For rat face. Yeah, rat paste.

Just double checking that we're recording. Yes. Okay. Yeah, so she's something. I'm trying to think of like other anecdotes that demonstrate the sort of person that she is. You've told me before of you going in and being like, good like good morning and she's like what's so good about it fucking bitch and then just deciding to be mean to you for the rest of the day yeah one time so the store sort of runs on these like antibacterial wipes that we like rub over our hands every hour because it's so

grimy in there yeah um that you have to um and also there's like lots of lead dust and and shit like that uh and one time we were running out of wipes and i was like hey let's call her caitlin um hey caitlin we're running out of wipes and she was like you have to tell me before we run out of wipes because once you tell me that we're running out i can't do anything about it because i can only get them on monday and you know what everything runs out in the end and then she sort of like smiled that know what? Everything runs out in the end. And then she sort of like smiled. That's so beautiful. Everything runs out in the end.

Yeah. And I realized she was like trying to make a joke, but it was like. But she was so mad. Yeah. That it didn't come across. Yes. She's always mad about something. Yeah.

She's like, everything runs out in the end. And meanwhile, your like hands are covered in lead dust. Yes. Lead paint. everything runs out in the end and meanwhile your like hands are covered in lead dust yes i also i have some there's some like sort of legendary yelp reviews of the store that i oh god yes um okay uh so much clutter i had a hard time walking around and i'm worried if there is ever a fire i'm scared um Shattered glass everywhere. That was Jacques. That was Jacques leaving that first review.

I'm so scared. Y'all, I'm scared. I just made an UBIS for him. Shattered glass everywhere. Terribly rude staff. Definitely a fire hazard. Okay, that was you. A guy working there, me,

a guy working there was standing in the doorway made firm eye contact with me as i left and farted loudly at that moment gross she's calculating the total a guy who was also working there asked her if she needed anything during my checkout process and she replied with a gun needless to say stay away a gun she also has or at least had a fake gun under the counter that she would like pull out and threaten people with if they were pissing her off that's so cool i bet you anything that gun wasn't fake yeah but you anything she was like oh yeah it's a fake gun it's just to scare the customers um oh another fun anecdote one time time my coworker was driving with her down to these auctions where we buy stuff for the store. And it's like 6 a.m. and Caitlin sort of has a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel.

So the whole time she's like slapping herself. She also she hates music. But on those mornings, she'll blast classical music on the radio to keep herself awake. And she's kind of the worst type of music to blast. Yes. Well, she loves John Philip Sousa marches. That's the funniest thing about her. I remember you told me that before.

So when those come on, she gets really happy. Yeah. But this morning, it was like NPR classical radio. And they were like, next up, The Flight of the Bumblebee by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. And it came on and it's like and caitlin goes i hate this song and then she left it on for the rest of the just pissed off yeah she was literally she's so old that she was in the original like audience that rioted when that ballet like first. We used to burn down theaters over this song.

Korsakov, he's such a he makes all the girls sway their hips nowadays, all the young girls. That old Chesterfield. I never liked that Korsakov guy. There was also

a few weeks ago, this was after I'd given my two weeks, the manager who's this lovely gay guy who I love to death. Is he the one who farted? Yes, I think. It could have been a couple of people, but I think it was him. If he's listening, I love you. He came up to us and was like, hey, just so you know, an inspector came in earlier today, and he might come back later and start asking some questions.

So just so you know, if he asks you any questions about the store, just tell him that it is a lamp repair store. We do not sell anything. We just repair lamps. It is a lamp repair and factory store. And then the next day, I came inspector gadget walked in um i came in and i'll just show you what he set up a bunch of papers that say lamp repair station do not touch it's like one lamp in i in a sea of like millions of knickknacks.

Yeah. It's like one obvious lamp. It's just one sign that said lamp repair station. That's so beautiful. Yeah, so that was a fun one. I'll read another review. Please stop shopping here. I am part of the LGBTQ community.

And last one this one is my favorite um oh and for context the store has a bathroom but we don't call it the bathroom because we don't want customers to know that uh we have a bathroom that they can use yeah so instead we call it the office yeah so like that creates really funny situations yeah i need to go shit in the office. Exactly, like Caitlin will come running in in the morning and we'll be like, hey, Caitlin, how's it going? And she'll be like, I need to go to the office and run into the back. But this review, in traditional crab fashion,

she walked backward into her office, never breaking eye contact even as her office door swung closed those eyes those eyes that's incredible yeah that's very artistic yeah i the please don't shop here i'm a member of the lgbt community reminds me of um a time where do you know lex the app yes yeah i um i i think i don't think i was kicked off for this but i used to love like me and april would have like contests to see who could be more annoying on lex and who could get kicked off first um and one of the things, I saw a post on there that was like, if anyone goes to this bar called The Foundation or something in Bushwick,

they used to have a big pride flag out front and they replaced it with a smaller pride flag behind the bar. And I asked the bartender and the bartender said it's just for aesthetics so if everyone goes and tells them like put put the big one back up um like hopefully they'll they'll do it and um so i made a post like an hour after that post got made and it was like um hey everyone uh i just went to this bar called the foundation and i asked them to take down the big pride flag i asked them i told them a smaller one behind the bar would be way better for aesthetics so i just wanted to let

everyone know just like every single time anyone would post something i would be like saying the opposite like i would be trying to be like the villain of lex being responsible for everything everyone's mad at um that's amazing yeah what a beautiful what a beautiful application that's so good when i was on tinder and when I was still straight, whenever I would get like, whenever men would. So you're not straight anymore? No, no. What happened? I'm asexual now.

Okay. I'm on the gray A spectrum. But whenever I would get messages from men being like, do you have a penis or whatever, I had discovered you can't send images on Tinder, but you can send GIFs from Tinder's own personal inventory of GIFs. Oh, yeah, the Tinder library. Yeah, and one of them is a picture of the Lorax going, I voted. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. It's so fun.

That's so sick. And then, yeah, so that would be my response anytime they asked an annoying question yeah that's so i'm trying to think what i i used to have a funny way to open on tinder oh it was i just remembered what it was and it's so fucking dumb it's so annoying i'm not even gonna say no i would be like knock knock and they'd be like who's there and i'd be like interrupting cow and they'd be like interrupting cow who and i would say moo and then i would say fuck in all caps with an exclamation point that's awesome um yeah i think i stole that from jake and amir which was an old old comedy duo i would ask people if i would be like hey i'm looking for the person who poisoned me like do

you know if you did you poison me um you look like him i'm in a doa situation where i took a poison and there's nothing that can save me but i have to solve my own murder now yeah i have 12 hours yeah i have 12 hours to solve my own antidote exactly um yeah do you want to talk about some some news items oh sure okay let me the olympics yeah the olympics the gender folks the olympics have a gender problem. Did you see Caitlyn Jenner went on Fox News and was like the XX should be with the women if you're XY you should be with the boys

and that's the end of it. The funniest thing is that like I don't think that that boxer is even XY. I don't think like it's do you want to know my solution yeah for anyone who isn't following this some fun stuff has happened at the olympics there's a female boxer who's bricked out she's so fucking hot she's bricky oh yeah i want her to punch me yeah um but as our friend

june once tweeted if she not clocky we not talky that's so good um but yeah this this sexy the sexy hoe has been tearing it up um because Um, because women are just like, that's definitely a man. I can tell by that punch that that was a man. You're too hot to be a woman. Yeah. Basically like, um, yeah, is, and it's not even a trans woman. Yeah. No, it's, it's straight up just a cis woman from Algeria.

The other boxer in the fight was like, I tapped out after 46 seconds because I've never been punched that hard in my life and I feared that I would die. No, one of my favorite thing is it was either her or another boxer that fought her was like, I've never been hit that hard before by any woman or any man who in like sparring matches.

And I was like, okay, so is she some third thing yeah are you saying that she's like a xenomorph like something from aliens yeah but she's also an olympian like of course she's like it's olympic boxing you're you're doing boxing in the olympics of course she's gonna hit you hard you are. You're going to be punched. Someone hit me at the punching contest. Yeah. Post on Lex, like, boycott the Olympics. They're hitting people here. Yeah.

I just saw someone. I just saw a woman hit another woman. And it was really upsetting. I, one of my, I think I have a solution. Okay. My solution is that we create something. Have you ever seen the TV show The Prisoner? No.

From the 1966 BBC TV show The Prisoner? No, I have not. Starring Patrick McGugan. Directed and created by Patrick McGugan. You've never seen it? Holy shit. Okay, so my solution, we create an island called Gold Medal Island.

And we knock out guests, all the winners, after every event. And we send them to Gold Medal Island. They wake up and they're told like welcome to gold gold medal island it's an earthly paradise everything you could want is here all of the other it's like valhalla it's gold medal winners only but you're not allowed to leave yeah you can't leave escape is impossible it's futile um and the in the rest of the world all of if you win a gold medal you become like a legend and then they name like a constellation after you in the sky and it's like you're a greek like a greek style myth yeah you know what i mean i love that so they're like if anyone ever talks

about you it's like you're not a real person and you never were yeah it's like hercules or something yeah um and then we don't have to deal with like yeah and then everyone can have a chance yeah if someone's really good yeah they they should be taken out of society yeah they should be removed from society and from the world completely okay this reminds me not to go out on too much of a tangent but this does go off on as much of a tangent as you want this reminds me of the fucking um the rfk thing that i think i sent you about rfk being like we want to send like oh yes his plan to solve addiction by sending all addicts and also all people on antidepressants to wellness farms.

Yes. I kind of love... He was kind of cooking. Yeah. He was just like, put them on the farm. What we have to do is... Did you see the video of him covered in the ladybugs? No.

Okay. Wait a second. Wait a second. There's a video of him at a farm like i don't know if i believe you know when you say there's a video of him covered in ladybugs a video of him covered in ladybugs at a farm where he's like talking with some random woman and she's like you know like everything that nature provides like you don't need pesticides the ladybugs will eat all the the bad bugs for you and he's like i'm learning so much about the world it's like his first day out of like the

cave that he's been spending the last 300 years and he's like oh the ladybugs are covering my nose he's like kaspar hauser he's like he's like, Wow, I guess I wonder how big skincare wouldn't feel if they knew that, hey, you wouldn't have to use any skincare products ever again if you just had 4,000 ladybugs in your house. He's so fucking cool. He's so awesome. He's such a modern like novel main character.

Like the way that he thinks and talks is just like. He's like a Martin Amis character. He's like a Martin Amis character named like John Failure. I was born in an alley and then I went into the moon with the monks in the forest and i don't want to leave the rest of the kennedy family won't place me back yeah he never learned how to masturbate because his hands are made of clay a laser beam shot him in the eye when he was a kid and now he's like only attracted to birds he's like the most fucked up inner psychosexual life of any man ever exactly like um a john martin amos character he's shot by a laser beam turned into that's that's kind of thomas pinchon

though yeah he gets shot in the by a laser his boners definitely predict something i don't know if it's missile launches yeah it's like his boners are no you're so right because i think i think what they predict is if a if an animal is about to die yeah in the next like five hours if he sees an animal a small cute animal and like gets hard hard yeah oh it's your time he's like oh no and he tells whoever he's with sorry i can't go to the axe throwing luncheon that we're planning i have something to do and he just wants burying a sea turtle yeah i want him to go and like fucking chopped so bad and the mystery ingredient is just like roadkill yes it's so funny he's like i'm such a i'm such a redneck yeah but he's just like a kennedy yeah he's robert kennedy's fucking son he's rfk's son yeah that's crazy junior in many ways did you see in many ways he is kind of a

junior it's a rfk's senior Did you see that tweet where he was like, I could beat Joe Biden and Donald Trump in a debate even if I had five more worms? I could beat them even with a six-worm handicap. That's so funny because that's something that I'm picturing a worm in his head at a control center typing that in. This is the worm talking I'm so lonely I need more worms in here

with me to run all these systems wouldn't it be crazy like oh no I guess I have to prove that there needs to be more worms in my brain oh I actually my running mate is seven more worms yeah I hate worms that's why I want to eat this fist

full of raw beef we want to we actually have a very special guest coming on. Yeah. We have one of the first trans women. I think maybe the first trans woman ever. Yeah, I'll leave the room and then... No, you can be here for it. Oh, okay. But just let me do most of the talking. Right, yeah, okay, sounds good. If you don't mind.

Yeah, for sure. Trudy, if you want to come into the studio. Yeah, Trudy trudy you come in hey gals um it is great to be here i just i want to make a minor correction um to the previous day i'm not technically you know i bill myself as the first trans woman ever for branding reasons but i'm and is bill myself your dead thing no bill myself is what i do at 3 a.m with a little electric toothbrush with a picture of mr clinton pasted on it interesting you bill yourself i bill myself you use an electric cigar i actually it's a full pack of american spirits is what is what i go with come on come on

wait let me sorry we're having some issues with the recorder yeah I spilled my white wine all over the microphone I haven't seen one of these things in ages so you know you haven't seen a zoom recorder in ages no I'm getting used to the

technology I'm catching up because you haven't seen it in ages so i'm i'm getting used to the technology uh yeah you know i'm catching up because you haven't seen it in ages so you you've seen it before well i i was psychic back in the day so i i saw this i saw this very moment i know everything you're gonna say because i saw it 40 years ago but uh i haven't you know myself personally used a microphone when i saw my vision of this i was like what's that thing i'm holding in my hand? Now I know what it's called. So you're familiar with it.

You just don't know how it works. No, I have no, I'm assuming there's a tiny man in the box who listens and writes down everything we say. And you know what? I'm going to jump right past that. I'm going to ask you, have you ever been consulted by the police in your in your capacity as a psychic well funny you should ask i actually i i am somewhat of a podcaster myself you want some some have called me the original podcasteress um because back in the day i had these radio plays one of which was the first true crime radio show ever put on.

And it was called As the Case May Be with Trudy Bonfires. Okay, it sounds like an NPR. It sounds like a horrible NPR show. No, it was fantastic. We would go over these cases. We would interview these women and whoever was missing. We would talk to their friends, their family, and we would try to solve it. And at the end of the day, we would catch the fellow who did it

and put him away. Oh, shit. So you caught people. Yeah, all the time. Do you have an excerpt of this? I think you brought an excerpt, right? Yes, yeah. Can you describe who's interviewing who or what's going on in this excerpt?

So this is me talking to the main suspect. What's the suspect's name? Beau Filligan. Okay, Beau Filligan. It's just me and Beau Filligan. I think I've heard of him. Yeah, yeah. He was a terrible man.

At the time, we didn't know for sure. So you may hear in the recording, I'm sort of using my feminine wiles to get what I want and what I need, what information I need from you. But it's not, it's just, it's all in the pursuit of the truth. Yeah, okay. So let's hear this clip. This is Trudy.

Circa 1942, I think. Okay, 1942. Catching Bo Milligan, Red Hand. Filligan. Bo Filligan. Bo Filligan. Hey, Bo. God, Red Hands. Filligan. Bo Filligan. Bo Filligan. Hey, Bo. God, your lips.

Hi. Your lips are so gorgeous. I could just... Oh, thanks, sweetie. I could just... I put snake venom on them. Do you really? That is one...

You know, that's one way to plump them up. Sometimes it gets in my mouth, and I get really sick. Oh, shit. My nephew has an allergy, I guess is what they're calling it. Oh, what's his number? That is one way to plump a mouse. Sometimes it gets in my mouth, and I get really sick. Oh, shit, my nephew has an allergy, I guess is what they're calling it. Oh, what's his number? Is it something like Columbus Street 4219? That's what numbers are nowadays. You know, well, he's seven, so I think he might be a little bit young for you.

Oh, unless... Oh, I think I may have caught little bit young for you. Your face. Oh, unless... Oh, I think I may have caught you red-handed, Bo. Oh, no! Now, I'm going to show you some pictures of children, and you just try not to get as stiffy. We're going to be putting a blood pressure cuff around your genitalia. Oh, my God. If you show any signs of arousal, we'll lock you up.

Should I take off the one that's already on there? Oh, zing. No, but I am a pedophile and I have raped and killed a bunch of children. Gotcha. Okay, that's really interesting. Masha, what do you think of that clip? You know, it's just, it's great to- You know what?

Your voice is so similar to trudy's i don't know i don't think so i think it's just you know as trans girls we some people say we all sound the same but um yeah i would say there are some some marked uh distinctions between the between our inflections and um but yeah it's just it's great to hear from trans elders about the parts of our history that um yeah that so often go absolutely hidden and and and trudy was was got you was gotcha was that like your catchphrase did you yes yeah i originated it no one said gotcha before before tb over here um by the way those were unfortunate initials to have when i was growing up. I was just going to say. I would get made fun of quite a lot. Seems like it would be bad.

You know, I always say, the gals in Turftown always love to talk about, oh, the archaeologist who finds your bones is going to know you were, and I say, honey, the archaeologist who finds my bones is going to have a lot more to worry about than whether I had a cramper or a hamper. Because of disease. Yeah, and the radiation alone could kill a horse. What do you mean when you say that?

When I say radiation? Yeah, are you radioactive? Well, I was one of the radium girls. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I was licking the paintbrushes. I mean i don't know the audience can't see it but i don't have much of a jaw anymore okay yeah that is in large part now i didn't want to i didn't want to be rude no no it's most people think it was botched plastic surgery or some some i think it looks like you just got you just went to dr lee and he took too much off.

Yeah, he took a little too much. I mean, that didn't help, certainly, after the fact. Oh, so you did go to Dr. Lee. Yes, after the fact, I went to get FFS and he said, you know, normally I shave down the chin area. Looks like you've already had that done. And I said, well, why not a little more? You know, I want to pass. Looks like you've already had that done. And I said, well, why not a little more?

You know, I want to pass. Sidebar, in the old days, what we would do in order to pass is we would put a beach ball under our clothing or a basketball, if you will. Then you look pregnant. No one ever questions you. So that's the tip that I would give to all you trans girls listening out there. Okay, that's good. Put a basketball in your dress. How old was Dr. Lee? Because this must have been a long time ago.

Was he like a child? Yes, I was his first. It was how he got interested in the field, really. I was like, you look like you have steady hands. You just saw an Asian kid. I picked him out and I said, come here, buddy. And I took him home and put a knife in his hand and the rest is history. Nice, nice. Yeah, I'm proud of that. And have you, did you used to know? I took him home and put a knife in his hand and the rest is history. Nice.

Nice. I'm proud of that. And did you used to know, can you give me some tea on some old classic transgender style women? Well, for one, Eleanor Roosevelt was obviously transgender. I'll settle that debate once and for all. Which trans? Which trans woman. Okay.

She had a pee-pee. And, yeah, I mean, we didn't get along super well. I wasn't on board with the whole Green New Deal sort of. Yeah. I didn't. The famous Green New Deal. No, I think that's what you used to call it. I called it, I originated the term.

Because they must have been. I was like green. They must have been smoking reefer. Yeah, you must be so high right now to have come up with this. You must be off the devil's grass. Yes, exactly. To make a deal like that. And you don't like weed?

I wouldn't say I don't like, I don't love it, you know. But I'm high right now, that's for sure. Okay. Interesting. I use it for pain mostly. Oh, what are your great pains? I use it to inflict psychic pain. I find it makes... Okay, you use it to do pain

to other people. It gives me pyrokinesis. Okay, interesting. And so I'm able to set people on fire when I'm high. Okay. I'm not going to people on fire when I'm high. Okay. I'm not going to question that, because I can tell. I wouldn't dare. I can tell looking into your eyes that you are not lying. My eyes are currently glowing red, and there's smoke coming off of my head. For the listeners at home, Trudy is scaring the fuck out of me.

She's looking at me like... And she's a uh i'm joking a beautiful woman has one of the craziest wigs i've ever seen can you describe your wig well uh my wig is uh it's mink okay yes it's uh that's mink i can see the the legs and arms are still on it yep yeah well i you know i want it to be want it to grab people's attention. But it's also gray. Yes, yeah, well. It's a rare gray mink?

Well, for a woman of my age, you know, I don't want to be too deceptive, so I dyed them. I am a little confused about how old you are because you knew Eleanor Roosevelt. You, okay, if I say, what is the first war that comes to your head? When you were a kid, was there like a war that was going on? Because for me, it would probably be like the Iraq War.

I remember that going on when I was a kid, the War on Terror. Well, there are some secret wars that, you know, I remember, but they weren't written about in the history books. Okay. There was the Spanish-American War, of course, but then there was also- Okay, that was a really long time ago, I think. Yeah, sure. But then there was a sort of separate one that was just for women.

Okay. It was the- The Latina- Yes, versus American-women war. It was the Latina. Yes, versus American women war. And, you know, no offense to women out there, but their only weapons were handbags back then.

Passing out from the corsets and the uteruses flying around. That was one of their weapons was passing out from the corsets. Yes, they would fall over on top of each other. Strategically timed. Yes, they would throw smelling on top of each other. Strategically timed. Yes. They would throw smelling salts in each other's faces. And they'd stiffen right up. Would they jack each other off? Yes. And use pillows? Well, that's how it would always end

in sort of a slumber party fashion. Okay, interesting. And at that time I wasn't really a lady. I was a CD, you know as they call it these days. But they accepted me. I wasn't really a lady. I was a CD, you know, as they call it these days. Yeah. But they accepted me. You know, they didn't know any better.

I was one of the girls. They didn't know any better. Should they have known better? Well, I was wearing a basketball under my corset, so they all just thought I was preggo. Okay, I think the Spanish-American War might have been before basketball was invented. So did you... Well, whatever.

But you invented the basketball before the sport. Well, you know, basketball, it was a pig's skin, you know, a pig's bladder from which the basketball would later descend. Yeah. So are you saying Abner Doubleday, the inventor of basketball, was a chaser? Well, he was a fraud, certainly.

He was more gay than a chaser, I say i made my moves on him and he did not he did not reciprocate so much okay can you tell me your i will be um let's act this out i'm abner double day the inventor of basketball i think he looked like carl mar of if I'm recalling correctly He did God Karl So you knew Karl Marx too Oh in the biblical sense Interesting He wasn't a big fan of religion

Okay sorry In the manifesto sense I don't know what these people In the comradely sense Yeah we were comrades So I will be um you know i'll i'll be carl marx and you'd show me how you how i put the moves on him yeah how you put the moves on him okay okay i guess he was german wasn't it i don't think he was russian hello v gates buddy um okay

well can we translate to english for me because i don't speak yes uh hello how are how are you carl i'm going to put the workers they're bad the workers are bad oh well uh yeah i'll tell you someone else has been a bad bad bad girl who's got two thumbs and is certainly pointing them at her downstairs region. Yeah, you're doing that weird. You're standing very weirdly. You have both thumbs

kind of pointing in the thumbs down right to your crotch area. But I am intrigued. I am intrigued. I want you to seize my means of production, if you know what I mean. Oh! Your means of what? My, uh, my push. Meats of production? That gives me an idea for something

to write about. It's a phrase I just came up with. Wow! Yeah, I just, I with. Wow. Yeah. I just, I, I, I, you know, I'm a, I'm a very mean and productive woman, so. Mm-hmm. I see. I just thought of that. Coined it. I have to text this to Frederick.

To Frederick? Frederick Engels. Engels? Mm. Yeah. Is he, is he single? What's his number, by which I mean his address? Frederick? Frederick Engels. Engels? Hmm. Yeah. Is he single? What's his number?

By which I mean his address. Yes, because no one has numbers at this time. Well, I hate to be so forward, but my boyfriend, Mr. Big, just moved to Paris. Okay. Interesting. I'm starting to... I couldn't help but wonder if you wanted to come into my apartment. Your boudoir? Yes, my boudoir.

And, you know, smoke some opium. Yeah, yeah, I will do that. I will do that. I definitely have to invent communism soon. But I but i've got a few got a few years got a few years before i have to do that great and also do you think my chin looks very weak without the beard um i don't have a beard I noticed you shaved I mean Carl I hate to Say no more

Keep the beard I guess You know nothing against the shaved look Who am I to argue Against a weak chin I mean as you can see The lower half of my face. Well, radium has not been discovered yet. Oh, it's just it's just my psychic powers.

Your chin is actually huge. It's actually the biggest. You have the biggest chin and jaw I've ever seen on a woman. It's actually quite. And I'll direct you again to my stomach with which is just full with life right now. yeah i can see that it is uh that it is uh pregnant yes yes pregnant definitely surely but i could i could fit another one in there okay perhaps why don't you let me multiply the workers if you don't mind me saying i don't you let me multiply the workers? If you don't mind me saying, I don't mind at all. End scene. Wow, that's really what happened? Yeah, that's about the long and the short of it, you know?

Interesting. Yeah. I never knew. He was, you know, he was fine. He was fine. He was all right. Never read. But you did get him when he was shaved.

Yes. So his weak, his like virgin chin was kind of. It's not as good. Well, Trudy, are you, why did you come on? Do you have something to plug? Yeah, yeah. I have a new book coming out it's um it is a sort of a series of interviews with me trudy bonfires about my life done by who uh done by me true trudy bonfires

so i ask the questions and i give the answers it's called you're one to talk with with trudy bonfires and um yeah it, it's a biography by me of sorts. I don't know if there's a me-ography I've been calling it. An i-ography, if you will. An i-ography. I don't think there is a word for it. I think i-ography might be another one of your coined terms. Yes.

But thank you, Trudy, for coming on. Of course. Thank you for having me. Yeah. No, you you're so welcome please come on anytime you feel masha do you want to do you have anything to say to trudy uh no just um thank you for giving us a perspective uh i i didn't understand all of the timelines necessarily of your life um but it's fascinating to hear about history from that perspective. Well, thank you. And if you, you know,

I'm doing the whole bi thing these days. So, you know, if either of you gals want to get dinner sometime or a snack or lunch. I mean, I would be down. Hell, even breakfast. Would you, Masha, I would be down. Hell, even breakfast. Would you Masha, would you be down too?

I'm so flattered, Trudy. I forgot your gray asexual. I totally forgot. But you're also demiromantic. You know what? That's a good point. And so, yeah, let's do breakfast sometime.

Yeah, can we have a demi-romantic breakfast, Rudy? I don't know what the hell that means. It means we go to... We get breakfast, but we don't like it. We don't eat. We get a bowl and there are sprouts on top of whatever we get. Yeah, just granola. Well, bye, ladies. you're both very pretty and uh

holy fuck oh my god trudy just jumped out the window oh my god that wow that was crazy oh whoa oh she's hovering she just deployed a parachute and she's flying away wow now she's going up some i guess she caught an updraft she's going up she oh my god she's going up so quickly there's a plane sort of there was a fire or something going on like a building on fire i guess like she's way up in the air she's beyond the clouds yeah um wow well what a cool what a cool. I mean, that's the benefit of experience. And, um, what do you mean when you say that? I mean that when, as you get older, you get more pyrokinetic powers and they sort of go

up in gradation, the older you get. That's true. I can never, I can never catch you and I can never catch you off guard. No matter how hard I try, you have an answer for everything. And that's why I love having you on Masha. Thank you. And I'm sure you'll be on much more in the future.

If I'm around, you know, yeah. Anything could happen. Anything can happen. Oh no. We have fun. Okay. Thank you fun. Okay.

Thank you everyone. Please subscribe. This is probably, this is probably a paid episode. It might be a free one. I'm not sure. So whatever this isn't, do the other thing or keep doing what you're doing.

But thank you everyone uh thank you masha thank you Thank you. Thanks for watching!