Seeking Derangements - SD 338 - Alpha Top Conference

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Ben, Jacques, and Hesse are all together and coming to you from Mora Studios in Little Italy NYC! We talk about which outfits have gotten Jacques hate-crimed in New York, mourn Jerry Springer, and scout a bottom for 4th mic. Plus we end the episode with the most challenging set of moral dilemmas we've ever faced. Subscribe to our Patreon for weekly bonus episodes! Patreon.com/seekingderangements

I'm free to be, free to be everybody's love I like a hundred things, yeah I like that too One time, yeah both things man You know to give me this feeling I like that, do you think? All right. Welcome, everyone. Seeking Derangements. Ben, I'm here with Hessa and Jock. We are in person.

We're in person at my apartment. This is the most dangerous recording conditions we've ever had yet. We are in arms reach of each other. Dangerous for me because you'll attack me. Which you have done on previous in-person recordings before it's been filmed. Yeah, Ben's attacks are mostly verbal. Wait, have we? One provoked. I think we, wait, have we?

Us three have never. No, we haven't. This is the first time. This is the first time. And it's a free episode so if you want to hear. And we're all holding hands for everyone at home. And we're all holding hands. Jack's holding my hand. Jack and I are going to hold hands me and Hester are going to hold hands and look at Ben and try to share the love

he's got a really massive no you do you stop staring you have to keep staring don't you think he's gotten really masculine subscribe to our Patreon

his legs got thicker too he must have been pulling those fat dogs around every time you see me in person you notice a massive change in my body

and you feel the need to comment on it. And it's also never true. Keyword massive. That was good. You got him. It's pretty good, but it's also never true because you don't have a consistent memory. You see things as very different.

You do look tan, though. I was in Louisiana. Look, I'm pretty sure it's all true maybe were you not in Louisiana I was well I was also in Texas I was also in Texas I don't think he was in Texas I think he was somewhere else I was in Texas in Louisiana anyways um he was at the rehabilitation camp they'd clearly not camp they'd clearly not okay in New York what did you miss more Chinatown or Little Italy neither I didn't sign there they're both races equally well it's Sanjana is happening in Sangria nope Sanjana is happening in two and a half weeks, which is the 15 day street festival of

food and food and eating that happens on my block. Jacques was just checking his phone and Ben kicked his leg. I didn't know what was going on. I thought my phone was ringing. I was answering the question you asked me. I thought my phone was ringing on my leg, but it was Ben kicking my leg.

Sorry, guys. It was a little too much. It's the first time I've ever seen two women in front of me who are recording. Wait guys we are totally ignoring the big news. Right before we started recording we heard the news about Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah Jerry Seinfeld has

died in India. No not in India. Jerry Seinfeld was assassinated by a Hindu nationalist. We explained it to Jacques. We tried explaining it to Jacques, but he couldn't grasp it. I just don't think it's that big of a deal that

it's not going to work. Why wouldn't I assume the Hindu nationalist is from India? And the Kramer thing. Is there not more Indian Hindus than anything?

Is there not? That's a huge question that science has been trying to answer for years. Is there not more Indian Hindus than anything?

Also, leave a comment if you know how long the Great Wall is. I just wanted to know. I know how long it is. 15,000 kilometers. Yeah.

Whoa. Exactly? No, it's like 15,432 or some number like that. Hmm. I just made that up. I have no idea. I believe you. I just totally made that up.

I absolutely believe you. I'm so paranoid about the levels. I believe both of you. I'm gullible. I'm so paranoid. You two have to keep the headphones on. They're okay um well what's up guys what's new jock what's going on in the world i've been in new york for about and i have been having sister sister time oh we had an uptown girl we had uptown girls oh okay so this is the first time that me and hessa spent longer than an hour

together yeah uh that wasn't in person and we had a fabulous time and hessa spent longer than an hour together. That wasn't in person. And we had a fabulous time. And Hessa got to see a side of me that she never saw before. Your butthole? We've seen it. No. Yeah, I've seen it. It was... It was refreshing because I took her to all of my favorite spots.

The... Frank. The bar? Yeah, don't see the downtown pod. I don't want to blow up this pod. How do you when did you go to the dancer?

I took him. Oh, you took him? Yeah. I thought he said that he knew about it. No, he's lying. I took him to places. I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Is this like kind of a deep cut? Yeah. I love it there. It's so quiet. Yeah, it's a cute place. I'm going to beep it. It's a good place for a birthday.

We're going to get Max to beep it because... You'll talk to him about those times now, so I'm not doing it. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'm fine with leaking it. I don't care. It's known. I'm leaking it. Yeah, but it's so quiet there. We went on a Saturday night.

It was actually incredible. Really? There were like four people there. Maybe I've only been to birthdays there, and that's why it's like full of 70 gay guys. Beautiful, perfect bar. Go for the bartender Bree. She's the best. And I don't know about the other guy. I don't recommend him. What else

did you guys get up to? I had an ube ice cream soft serve in front of her and ate it like a monster. Yeah, Jacques had this weird thing where people kept walking by us. Couples. thing where people kept walking by us. Couples. Yeah, couples kept walking by us and Jacques was like,

that's the third couple that's walked by us that's farted both at the same time and then laughed in our faces. And I'm like, why do you think that happened? And he was like... He doesn't have a consistent memory or perception. And he was like... You talk about me like I'm...

Usually when you talk about me to my face is over a computer and this time I'm looking at you straight forward as you drink a big thick glass of vodka. I couldn't tell if he was joking. I couldn't tell if he was joking because every joke that he'd made up to that

point all day was like... He said something and then would immediately do the little sly grin and say no i'm just i'm just kidding that was just a total lie that i said for no reason no he was so he was like a looney tunes character i loved it we had literally the most fun with the farting thing you were like dead serious you were like no i know because they squeezed each other's hands when they walked by too. Oh, no.

I was like, what does that mean? What do you think that's... She said, how do you know that they farted? And I said, because they squeezed each other's hands and then turned to each other, smiled and grinned, laughed a little bit. Oh. And it was three people.

That's what it means when a couple does that. They just saw a funny guy and we're like look at this guy you can testify i was actually looking pretty normal that day were you looking normal was he like you were yeah you were looking what were you wearing uh tie-dye online ceramics pink tie-dye shirt oh i saw pictures of you that day yeah it was pretty yeah it's like pretty normal like just a t-shirt but you can admit that sometimes you wear something and people have. Yeah, like yesterday. Yesterday you wore like a whole, you wore what looked like a denim, a giant pair of quadruple quintuple XL JNCO jeans that had been cut up to a full outfit, including a

hat, bag, shirt, and pants. So let me break it down. It was gap size 36, 90, loose cargo or loose black jeans. And then we, on top, we had the unreleased season 12 Yeezy, um, XL shirt that fits like a four XL.

So big old shirt with a carbon mineral wash on a black shirt that gives it that fake denim look. We had a black hat. Oh, no, I had my Charlie XCX. It's Charlie baby hat on flat bill. Flat bill with a green part on the inside. The woman on the front. Any reactions to this?

Angel Money said, oh, yes, this is giving. I can't really do her voice no you can try yes this is giving okay okay okay

I like it better I don't know if yes this is giving it's like a nasal it's like a combination of nasal oh my god

it's kind of it's kind of Muppet like she looks like Janice from the Muppets yeah I showed that to her face the cuntiest Muppet yeah she. She looks like Janice from The Muppets. Yeah. I showed that to her face. The cuntiest Muppet. Yeah, she looks good.

It's an amazing look for her. Did you ever resolve your beef with her, Jock? Yeah, we hung out all yesterday, and we're going meet up after this. Any beefs with people in New York City? Uh, well, now that you mention it, there is this deli in Ridgewood where I was going to collect.

Where I caused a scene. I kind of did cause a scene. So I told my friend, hey, it's Ari Insane Day. Went to Frost Children Day 2 at Rash from 6 p.m. till 2 a.m., 2.30. Drive to my friend's house. We go. What happened to the deli? Well, see, then I go from my friend's house to the deli.

This is an important context that he went to rash. It's about 2.33 in the morning. I'm going to the only open deli with food cooking still in that Ridgewood area near Seneca Avenue. No, these guys didn't look like that race. Wait, what race did they look like? Guess. Guess. What character

in fiction did they look like to you? Were they giving Encanto? Aladdin? You think they were Indian? Yes. giving Encanto? They were giving Apurialness. Okay. You think they were Indian.

Yes. So wait, then... I can see the wheels turning and you're trying to think of any other Indian character. I was like, uh...

They were probably Arab or Dominican. So this is what happened. Yemeni. We were supposed to go straight from this deli to a techno event that ended at 8 a.m. at Merge in a radioactive warehouse that is being closed down next week because it was...

People love to say that all of their raves are happening in some Chernobyl-esque warehouse. I believe it 100%. Ben, there were puddles that were steaming on the ground up and bubbling. Yeah, but that's just steam. You might just be condensation. It was something different. I don't think you know how radiation works. I don't know how radiation works.

Man, I saw a twink with two heads. I saw a twink with three eyes. Well, there were twinks doing obsessive amounts of drugs and then having the normal sex in the city catch up on their dating life conversation but let's get back to what i was really talking about so i go to the deli and i order a reuben on a reuben sandwich i get a bacon egg and cheese sandwich a cream cheese grape toasted bagel butter honey yeah that's insane. And then I ordered just a cup of olives. For context, Jacques was late

to the recording because he was like, I'm stuck on the toilet. I was stuck on the toilet. Do you think there's any correlation between what you eat and what you poop? Just asking a very basic question. I think that's a human condition. That's a question like Bill Maher would ask Richard Dawkins.

That's like what every... No, me and Jacques are so bill maher and hook to a girl i i rewatched i was rewatching the bill maher club random with richard dawkins yesterday and losing my mind laughing because literally the first thing he asks he tells richard

dawkins is like hey thanks man so good so glad to have you here can't wait to get you fucked up oh as he's pouring as he's like taking out a joint and pouring a vodka and you can see in richard dawkins face like the moment right there where he decides to fire his agent yeah yeah absolutely he's like no thank you richard dawkins was dead yeah that's charles that's christopher hitchens oh yeah yeah yeah i get them i like have to look at like pedophilic british one and one was more like i'm funny and one's more like i'm yeah christopher hitchens was the funny one

did he start in stand-up no he's done like comedic i think i think he was like a social it's not he's like a malcolm he was like a malcolm gladwell guy and mainly his big thing and i think he this is the main thing he has in common with richard richard dawkins is that they're both like a Malcolm Gladwell guy and mainly his big thing. And I think he, this is the main thing he has in common with Richard Dawkins is that they're both super Islamophobic and they're like,

we just need to glass the Middle, we need to just glass the Middle East. The primitive, you see. Yeah. Yeah. Idiots, dummies.

Well, anyway. This is how Jock was speaking after he didn't get a Reuben from a Yemeni. Yeah. Well, quick ending to this. We gotta nuke the quickie mark. So I got all of the stuff from the counter,

and then I was like, wait, there's no fries. Jerry Seinfeld was assassinated. He got blown up earlier today. On the news. I care about my damn deli sandwich story, but no, let's talk about this fucking Zionist. Jerry Seinfeld was in Gstaad and his

Pagani Zonda got destroyed That was not English Yeah, that's English Pazangi Gonda His Pagani Zonda It's a car, it's a supercar Is that like a weird thing for Indian dick? Okay

Ignore that Pagani Zonda Is that like a weird thing for Indian dick? Okay. I'm going to just ignore that. It's not going to work. Pagandi Zonda? The lie that y'all are trying to inception into me right now does not work. We told you before that we try it. It's not going to work. It's not going to work.

There were several attempts to try to lie. Let's hear the sandwich. What kind of sandwich? So I got all three sandwiches. They owed me the French. I got all three sandwiches got all three sandwiches they owed me the french I got all three sandwiches and olives but they owed me the french fries my friend was getting

really pissed up in 30 minutes she's already waited on me two or three hours she's like I'm ready to go to this fucking club and I'm like

I just need these sandwiches oh my god you're eating all of that before you go to a club yeah to merge and techno dance all night oh my god

you're a maniac well I hadn't my god, you're a maniac. Well, I hadn't eaten all day. You're a maniac. And I just danced for six hours. Were you doing any drugs? No. That's just crazy to me. I didn't even do dabs that day.

Have you today? You know you can't smoke weed in here. I'm a smoke weed in your apartment building. You can't smoke weed in here. I'm a smoke weed where I want. I don't know why it's so difficult. It's difficult because

I'm not normal. I'm freaking addicted, y'all. Yeah, I'm freaking it. You gotta carbo-load before the club. Anyway. It's like Michael Phelps swimming. It really did work though, because it really did give me those. It really did work. But look, this is the deal. So finally, I'm like, hey, I paid for the French fries. We were at the French but look this is the deal so finally I'm like hey I paid for the franchise where the franchise they're like

oh I'm sorry we forgot we'll refund you for the franchise so I'm like okay so I wait for the longer my friend is banging on the outside of the door with the bodega guy Bogota

the bodega guy says these fucking bodoga the bodega guy says why is your friend banging on the window and I'm like I'm sorry it's taking long I'm not

I can't control her so finally God I feel so bad for these people they give me the fries they go to the counter and then they take them back from me

and they say pay I say well yeah because one of your friends is banging on the fucking window like a gorilla i paid for it already and i'm showing it and i'm like oh my god you have one of the funniest conceptions of of service and purchasing and it was not a crazy order them not give it to me say they're gonna give it to me for free and then try to charge me

well you said they said they were going to refund you. So after they said that, did you say, no, I want them? And meanwhile, one of your friends is pounding on the glass. They say they refund them and give them. I'm sure there's also 15 other details that are totally left out of the story. There's no one else like you guys in ski masks with like machine guns banging on the door. Yeah.

And Jack's like, that must be my friend. Yeah, my friend was wearing a ski mask and waving around a gun. My friends wear shy-sties. It's New York. That's true. Shy-sties. You never heard of that? No, I don't know if I have. It's just like a balaclava

but it's like a thin... Baclavah. That's you confusing me. It's pronounced Baclavah. Balaclava is the dessert and baklava is the mask I'm not lying you can't lie to me this close to me because I know

whatever I know sweets Ben I know sweets I really fucked up trying to lie to me a dessert was something else the only reason I agreed to this recording today is because I knew I could walk straight out of this place I really fucked up trying to lie to me about a dessert with something else. The only reason I agreed to this recording today is because I knew I could walk

straight out of this place and go get a cheesecake. Period. You can do that anywhere in New York City. Jock? This neighborhood's got the best. It's so funny you think Little Italy has good anything. Yeah.

It's terrible here. It's garbage for people from Staten Island and like Wisconsin. No offense to anyone from Staten Island. It's so bad that the sangria

is like 50% vodka. Like they have to get everyone fucked up before they can eat it. It's well known to be disgusting food. A tourist trap. Yeah.

It's a tourist trap. If you want a good cheesecake, go get a matcha cheesecake from Jai Li or whatever the Chinese bakery on Mata is. You think I'm going to get a cheesecake from a Chinese bakery? They make good cheesecake.

I'm sure they do, but I want an Italian cheesecake. Well, guess what, bitch? The Chinese people also own all these pastries or whatever. They do. This entire block is owned by Chinese people. It's like Chinese, yeah.

They own the entire... Little Italy used to be a real neighborhood. There's a whole movie about it, China Girl, by Abel Ferrara. Yeah. You've never seen it? And a David Bowie song. Yeah. Wait, what's the David Bowie song?

China Girl. China Girl. And it's an Iggy Pop song. And Iggy Pop. They're about how Little Italy got taken over by Chinese. I think they're actually both about the Mabel Ferrara movie.

Which is about how Little Italy got taken over by Chinese. But it's also Romeo and Juliet. And Romeo and Juliet. So y'all are... It's Italian and Chinese. It's Chinese against the Italian. Yes, in this neighborhood.

One billion percent. I actually... I mean, the thing is, it's, it's, it's, it was in Chinese before. No, no. So little Italy was a real Italian neighborhood in,

I don't know, like the forties, fifties, sixties or whatever. And, um, mostly like thirties, forties,

like from 1900 to 1940, they were all criminals and shot each other because those kinds of people are predisposed to actions. I moved to that neighborhood in Brooklyn.lyn um they yeah they moved to benson hearst and stuff um but the chinese slowly bought over all of the italian owned businesses and apartment complexes etc um and they decided to keep mulberry Street as a tourist trap, as quote-unquote Little Italy, and still let Italian restaurants

serve their food there, their baked goods, their horrible food festivals that torment and abuse me and all the people who live on this block. I'm upset. But it's all owned by Chinese people. They're carnival rides that, you know,

Polly Walnuts kills the guy on. Yeah. This is like three... So I'm just telling you, it's all China, babe. It's three years of me visiting you. It's Chinese all the way down. It's Chinese all the way down. This is three years of you letting me go to those bakery shops

and being like, oh, have fun. Oh, no, okay, I don't want one. This whole time because they're bad. These bakery shops are bad. They oh, have fun. Oh, no. Okay. I don't want one. This whole time. These bakery shops are bad. They are bad, which I've told you. But there are better ones in Chinatown. You can't see that they're staffed by Chinese people. The bakery on my ground floor.

Or Latinos. Yeah, it's like Puerto Ricans, Dominicans. Yeah, like the entire kitchen at my favorite Italian restaurant is all Latinos. Yeah, those are like Mexicans. Like Frank, the entire kitchen staff. Yeah, I noticed that last night i was like looking dude they're all mexicans i was i was making some racial observations there once like got my number from the reservation list and texted me and was like hey baby girl oh my god he's just anyone into it

no he was hot he's hot as fuck the same guy last night no he got fired I think for that I think he did that to multiple people hey baby girl I saw the way you wolfed down that ragu

cause that's when Liv worked there and I texted her I was like the busboy texted me and she was like yeah he does that

to people he's so cool for that I love busboys baller I love busboys he I love Busboys. He was the host, actually. Oh, period. Dishwashers, number one.

I've had bad experiences with a lot of dishwashers in my life. Are you just talking about me? Yes, I'm talking about you. You're just talking about me. He's exclusively talking about working with me at the same restaurant as I'm the dishwasher and he is the server, but we also are servers at the same time. You know what? You he is the server. We also were servers at the same time.

You think Asian people can't be good bakers. I wonder what Ho Chi Minh would say about that. Ho Chi Minh used to be the pastry chef. I prefer Ho Chi women. That was good.

Speaking of, did you guys hear about Jerry Seinfeld? I mean, I'm not really sad about it. I'm not sad about it. I would not be sad for a Zionist to be blasted in the head with a big bullet. Yeah, I was surprised it was an Hindu nationalist. Well, he made those comments about Indian people. Yeah.

Wait, what comments? It was all like 90s stand-up. It was like, he said something like, what was it? It was like... He mentioned Dunkin' Donuts. He was like, they never know how to say my name at Dunkin' Donuts. He was like, these Indian people? He was like, why am I supposed to know how to say your name?

I think I remember. I'm looking it up right now. Clearly, we're talking about New Delhi. He also said, there's a lot of... Indian. Why do I listen to white noise when I go to bed? I listen to white noise when I go to bed, but Indian noise wakes me up because my neighbors are from...

No, that's like a Matt Rife joke. Is it? No, Jerry Seinfeld is more like I'm an Indian guy named Raj I said what's that short for? Roger? yeah yeah yeah I think that's why they killed him they said in their statement the Hindu nationalist said that that's why they killed him

it was a huge affront this is a really compelling story of truth and believability absolutely you would never lie. Yeah. So, Monkey Box is back, Jock. Did you hear about that?

Well, Monkey Box is back. I'm ready to come in on more. It's gayer than ever. We're next. Now that Jerry's dead, what are they going to do with all those cars? That's a good question.

What's going to happen to Seinfeld? Who owns it? Larry? Are you thinking of Jay Leno? No, Jerry Seinfeld has a ton of cars, too. He has a car show where he drives a celebrity.

Both old stand-up guys who love cars. Yeah, I mean, that's why Jerry Seinfeld has a ton of cars, too. He has a car show where he drives to celebrity. Both old stand-up guys who love cars. Yeah, I mean, that's why Jerry Seinfeld has comedians in cars getting coffee. Oh, I thought that was Jay Leno. He takes a different one of his cars every time. No. He has like a 200 car garage. Yeah. Well, yeah, he should be blown up.

He's a billionaire. Doug, are you afraid of Monkeypox? It's back, guys. Everyone out there, Monkeypox is back. It's scarier than ever. Me and Ben are fine. We're vaxxed.ed it's hilarious y'all both got doubled yeah no i got the first shot i got doubled i only got one and it made me faint on my roller skates inside the gay bar i was got it done at the corner pocket i think if you in new orleans we've talked about this before

you went on your roller skates and you, because I thought it was just going to be a prank. You ran into the nurse when she was trying to administer the shot. No, I was sitting down. I didn't mean to. She administered the shot in the back of the bar at a table. I sat up. I felt fine.

And then I started trying to sit on the bar. Yeah, because it was a bar. And so I and then I started to try to sit on it. In the back of a bar? Yeah, because it was a bar. Who told this story? And so I, they moved me, I was starting to skate to the front to leave, and then I started going, whoa, and falling backwards out of the bar stool,

and two nurses came in and held me up. So are you afraid of getting it? I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get monkeypox, because I'm hoping the first vaccine that i got like last year will still work but yeah i think and honestly the efficiency that they like gave out the vaccine with last time well it was me kind of helpful for the everyone was so scared that yeah they just did it you know yeah like i i was so scared that they just did it you know

the fear mongering was so deft that I was getting no play I had no boyfriends at the time and I got a monkey box shot because I was like I need to be safe it's because the pictures are so crazy the pictures were so horrifying

and they scar it's never gonna to really hit the U.S. hard. Like, I don't think. Because it's just too... It's too gay. The healthcare and sanitation infrastructure is just too strong. I think the real reason for the panic is because there's a huge outbreak in the DRC right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

DRC? Yeah. Democratic Republic of California. What do you think outbreak in the DRC right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. DRC? Yeah. Democratic Republican Party. What do you think that stands for? Oh, no. Well, he didn't hear me. Yeah.

What does it stand for? Donkey rhubarb piss. Yep. Yep. Donkey rhubarb piss. Not even a right letter. Probably right. DRC? You got it.

No, it stands for that. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think it... Diddler's retard commissions? Yes. In actuality, I don't think... Yeah, there's not going to be any major outbreak in the United States. Yeah.

I'm not scared of that. Gay people in San Francisco... Well, you're just having sex with women now. Yeah, I'm pretty... You're fully straight. I've been straightening it up. Stratoris. You're getting pussy.

I'm getting pussy. Yeah, well, you've been getting pussy. Most of been straightening it up. Stratoris. You're getting pussy. I'm getting pussy. Yeah, well you've been getting pussy. When was the last time you had sex with a man? Eight, nine months ago maybe? For everyone at home, a single tear just rolled down Jock's face. I'm thinking about recycling. Thinking about recycling.

You probably were thinking about recycling. I'm thinking about littering usually. I'm trying to think of where you were mentally nine months ago it has nothing to do with mental I just wasn't fucking anyone so are you fully off man? um

it's a good question say okay let's say never say never. Okay. But I value men less. Ugly women are a really sexy man. I was trying to come up with examples,

but I don't know what your type is in men. River Phoenix? You really like River Phoenix, don't you? No, that's not my... That's not a sex thing? He's dead. Yeah, I don't want to have sex with a corpse. Vin Diesel? Vin Diesel? Speaking of Vin Diesel, that's not that's not a sex thing he's dead so yeah I don't want to have sex with a corpse Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel speaking of Vin Diesel's really that's your type speaking of Vin Diesel this is one of my types I have many different types

speaking of speaking of Vin Diesel did you guys hear Kanye got hooked on nitrous from his street race crew yeah

he was opening the hoods of the cars yeah and inhaling the the NOS. That and his dentist, but the street racing was a huge part of it. Just because you have mid-length hair doesn't mean you can lie about yang. No, it's true. That's actually how he got addicted.

It was the dentist and the street racers. He got really into street racing. The dentist was also supplying the street racers. Stop! No, seriously. The dentist did not pull up with 17 cars. He wasn he was giving them cars he was giving them the nitrous oxide for their cars yeah nitrous oxide for the boost dentist was like taking connie out and like you know getting him into all these worlds because connie was trying

to pivot away from rap and pivot with music yeah you can get into street racing i know all these guys and then there's a deleted scene famously that's where they get it from there's a deleted scene in one of the fast and furious i think two no not two because that's it's got to be three because it's been no no it was like it was way later no because this just happened like last like within last year but it's a historical thing that street racers get their nitrous from dentists yeah exactly yeah but this guy was like give me a give me a container of nitrous I miss I miss NOS

not nitrous but NOS the energy drink that was the worst tasting thing of all time every I'm not kidding

every once in a while I remember what that tasted like and I like shudder when was that or Guava Rockstar my mom wouldn't let me have energy drinks and now that's why you turned out so snippy.

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. And you're like so tan right now. I cannot believe it. Muscular legs. You've lost weight. I look as hard as a rock. I look so...

My weight has not fluctuated for maybe four years. That is hysterical. That is like the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I maintain a pretty standard weight. For you to know that Ben has recently lost weight, the cheeks of his stand out more, kind of like a Jigsaw

thing. I'm getting older. No, it's because if you lose the fat around your face, and then the cheeks start to sink back in. Did you guys hear they let Jigsaw out of jail? No! He's out and about again. Yay!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My worst fear, I've been worried about this my entire life. Give him back as a fact check. My worst fear is becoming actualized. One suit? One tricycle? I've literally been in family for this exact year and I can't believe it's becoming true now.

Me and Jigsaw are in the booth and y'all are like in the room and there's just a cell phone and you're like, what do you want? And I'm like, answer my phone calls or die by text message. Choose. Yeah, exactly. Speaking of hard choices to make

and, you know, predicaments you may find yourself in that are hard to get out of i have assembled here a list of very famous moral quandaries that have existed throughout time um and i've updated them a bit to include some of our favorite characters. You know, the Gagas, the Chapel Roans, the Jigsaws and Peter Griffins of the world perhaps. I feel like we are pushing the boundaries of these moral quandaries

into... Oh, also Daniel Craig confirmed gay. I heard a story about him. Confirmed gay. They got a photo of him sucking off a guy in Costa Rica. It was crazy. Nuh-uh. No, I'm being serious. One of my sucking off a guy in Costa Rica it was crazy no I'm being serious one of my friends has a friend too anyway so I've got all these moral quandaries I feel like we can get to the

bottom of them and probably invent maybe an entirely new let's just get a bottom up here and we can maybe invent an entirely new kind of morality but listen to this one, Jock. I think that might be, just really quickly,

sorry to keep interrupting, but that might be the energy in here is so tense because it's three alpha tops all in the same room. Maybe we do need a bottom. Yeah. Okay, like, if we were gonna have, like, a quad, if we had to add a bottom to the podcast?

Which bottom? I know, that's what I'm trying to think. Kevin Leonardo. Frankie Grande. Kevin... I don't know. We can't have a Kevin and a Jock. I'm not...

I don't know. What if we did, though? I'm not having Kevin evolve into, like, a death threat. Well, Jock is... As we all know, Jock is very jealous of Kevin Leonardo. I'm not jealous. I'm just not... I'm not doing a podcast with Kevin Leotardo.

Whoa. Kevin Retardo. Whoa. Kevin's a retard. Whoa. Kevin is a... Three for three. Okay, wait.

One more. One more. One more. Okay. Kevin is a stupid, faggot, retard, idiot, bitch. I don't know if you're going to sound like his name anymore. Oh, just say oh at the end. Oh. Stupid, faggot, retard, bitch-o.'t know if it's going to sound like his name anymore. Oh, just say oh at the end.

Stupid retard bitch-o. He is a stupid-o and a retard-o. Oh, um... What was that guy we used to know? Steven. Steven would not do a podcast. And also, I think Steven's topping. Gross. There's a bottom shortage.

Y'all, we gotta talk about this bottom shortage um i don't know i mean griff griff of course it's griff griff i heard that the bottom shortage is so bad my three best friends i'm trying to think of ben and yeah i'm here i'm here at home lift griff griff last night i went i was in alabama i went to a circuit party and and Thjong. Yeah, I'm here. I'm here at Louis Vuitton. Hey guys, with Griff Griff. Last night, I went, I was in Alabama and I went to a circuit party

and in the morning I toured a plantation. I love history vibes. Our founding fathers were so brat. Our founding fathers were so fucking brat. I saw him in

Vietnam recently and I'm just like, he's getting drafted. He served for you in Vietnam. He I'm just like he's getting you in Vietnam he went to a circuit party and I'm like this circuit party is like it's literally taking over the world yeah in Vietnam anyways I felt like going to the merge techno event that it was like a circuit party without sex so walking gay stop sharing his location with me oh no by the way I'm gonna kill myself that's another bottom we could have, but not anymore.

Fuck you, Barry. Barry's a top, if I remember correctly. Barry is actually a top. I veto in that them, that they. Oh, is it not? Jock also hates Barry. Yeah. We're talking about Barry Brandon, the walking gay, aka the gay who walks. He's the Chicago gay,

but now is also global, much like Griff, who has the big brunch hats and walks with a bunch of other gay guys in walkography. My manager, if I hadn't fired him. I need a new manager. If you're listening right now and you have the capability to manage me. Who was your

previous manager? You know him. Chris? I don't want to confirm or deny. Chris Kattan could be our our Oh my god He's not actually gay No he is He's a bottom

Carrot Top he's so funny Carrot Top is a top it's in his name Let's get Carrot Bottom Let's get Carrot Bottom We should get Carrot Bottom Jock is kind of Carrot Bottom I haven't bottomed in a long time You bottom all the time dude We should get Carabottom. Jock is kind of Carabottom. Yeah. I haven't bottomed in a long time. You bottom all the time, dude.

I don't bottom for sure. We should get Bottom Top. We should get Top or Bottoms. A guy named Top or Bottoms. Okay. Top of the morning. It's me, Mr. Bottoms. There we go.

There we go. Why? I think... Hear me wrong. I might just be taking some... Hear me wrong. Hear me wrong. Don't hear me right.

Hear me wrong. Hear me wrong now. Hear me wrong. I might just be taking some... Hear me wrong. Hear me wrong. Don't hear me right. Hear me wrong. Hear me wrong now. Hear me wrong. Jesus. You always miss the bottom. You always miss the bottom. Jesus was such a big bottom that he took it up three. Hear me wrong.

He took it up three. Hear me wrong. Hear me wrong. Jesus is such a big bottom. He took it up... He's not even smoking weed. He's still sleeping in a pot. Hey, listen, listen.

Jesus is such a bottom that... Also, Jock, you can smoke weed in here. I was lying. Hey, I knew it. You're getting really mad. You can smoke weed in here. I don't care. The butane torch on the couch. I know. I saw you can't do dabs in here. You can't do dabs in here. You can't just tell me I can do weed in this. I can tell you whatever I want.

Don't yell. Don't yell. You also can't scream. Please be respectful of my apartment. It's going to peak the mic. My landlord lives next door to me. He does not. Yes, he does. He literally does. I'm going to knock on his door and ask how you are.

You will never be allowed back into my apartment ever again. I'm being one. Listener, text me right now if you're hacking and listening to this live recording. Stop. I'm being serious. I'm letting you smoke weed in here. You cannot knock on my landlord's door and you can't use the blowtorch. Can we compromise

one dab? No, that's already a compromise. I think, listeners, if you're listening right now... We're going back to your nod. Hey, that's okay. Listeners, if you're out there and you know that I should be doing dabs, then go ahead and just... You know this isn't a live show. Jack tried to negotiate for three shirts at a

souvenir shop in Chinatown two days ago. He's a monster. And the price you negotiated was $47 for three t-shirts. So I was on Canal Street a couple years ago Jock and I were on Canal Street and I

think it was maybe his first time on Canal Street and I was telling him like yeah you know you can it's not impolite to barter and haggle with these guys selling purses what do you mean well now it's all african guys it used to be a lot of chinese women that's all african guys but um i was basically telling me yeah you can you can bar you can haggle and jock jock's opening bid to a $50 purse was $1

that's not how it works the lady was just like no and Jock's like okay see you later then it was so funny so funny you say $1 and then you guys meet in the middle and you keep doing that I did keep doing that and she sold it for $30

if you don't remember. Maybe I walked away because I was so humiliated. Yeah, I know you were. You were like, just stop. I didn't want to see you abuse a poor Chinese lady selling fake bags. I'll do it for $30 but you have to leave.

I'll pay you $30 to leave right now. I'll give you $30. You wish me leave. You wish me leave,30 to leave right now. Yeah. I'll give you $30 to leave. You wish me leave. You wish me leave, China. You wish me live, New York. You wish me leave, New York? No, you wish me leave in New York. Like Mexican or something.

That's an unidentifiable race. Tracy Vaughn could be our fourth Mike. I mean, I could ask Troy. Stop. Yeah, let's ask him. Because you've had sex with him? I've met him quite a few times, and we did make out once. You don't do things with blonde men.

If they're famous, I don't care. Ben has always said that all blonde men are sissies and bottoms. That sounds like something you would say straight. Sissies and bottoms is a jock first. I remember what you said. I have said many times that my brain just erases them. My brain doesn't perceive blonde men, adult blonde men. You don't have to be embarrassed about being a bottom anymore, Ben.

I'm not a bottom and I'm not embarrassed. We're all tops and it's so obvious to everyone who listens. Which is why this podcast can be horrible sometimes. I'm kidding. We need a bottom, though. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. We need, well, Jock needs an enemy other than me. And I'm kidding. We need a bottom though. That makes a lot of sense. We need... Well, Jock needs

an enemy other than me. I need someone dumber than Jock to yell at. Jojo Siwa's a top? Yes. Jojo Siwa's a top, for sure. Okay. She's got a strap with... Well, lesbians can be tops.

Yeah. She's got a strap with her face on it. Absolutely. Her own face probably she has a charm with her face on it her own face yeah yes jojo siwa looks at you with a strap on on of her own face she says karma's a bitch and then she starts to penetrate. Wow. Okay, let's get to these. These pressing ethical moral quandaries, which I love doing with Jock because you have a very interesting way of thinking about these things.

I'm good at morals. You freak them. I'll say that. So listen if you can for just 30 seconds or so. And pay attention, J attention chuck because this is complicated and i want to i want to we're gonna have to break these down i want to hear i want to hear what your genuine thoughts and considerations are on this and i'm being 1000 serious so please you are the driver of a runaway trolley on one track there are five lgbtq plus youth who have been inspired by lady gaga's activism and music

to embrace their true selves on the other track is lady gaga herself who is on her way to a concert where she plans to announce a major philanthropic initiative to support lgbtq rights globally switching the track will save the five youth, but kill Lady Gaga, potentially halting the progress of her life-saving initiatives. I know exactly what Jack is going to pick. What do you do? Do you understand why this is a complicated scenario?

I understand completely. Can I give you some insight and some questions? Yeah. Are the gay people terrorists? No. No. They're gay youth who are, you know, they're little monsters. Well, they're Antifa.

Antifa? Mm-hmm. Antifa. What? Where are you going first? Before you ask qualifying questions, who, and Hase, this is for you as well, who would you rather run over? Lady Gaga, who's about to save the world for gay people basically or Little Monsters

I have some questions too I'm killing them kids you're leaning towards kids I didn't expect you to go there well I'm gonna guess that like five Lady Gaga fans aren't gonna do anything that powerful for the world oh yeah

look at Sabrina Carpenter look at Sabrina Carpenter look at Olivia Carpenter yeah Sabrina Olivia Rodrigo yes OTC would not be a company that would have as iconic ads yeah look at OTC look at people with migraines everywhere would be suffering

they'd be like oh god my migraine will go away I wish Lady Gaga wasn't run over by that non-binary guy in that drudgery train what was he born with a migraine yes I wish Lady Gaga wasn't run over by that non-binary guy. One way or the other, he was like, born. One way or the other, he was like, born. Someone with a migraine? Yes.

One way or the other, he was like, born. Exactly, exactly. So you're leaning towards kids. Hessa, do you want to play along? Should we just play a joke? I have a few questions. Okay. The kids, what kind of gay kids are they?

It's three glee-style little monsters. One big, fat, older lesbian who was inspired to come out. And then one egg. Easy, I'm taking out the kids. Do you know why? Can I explain to you why? Please, yeah, I'm taking out the kids. Do you know why? Can I explain to you why? Please, yeah, I'm curious. Because it's like in Men in Black.

Remember when Will Smith shoots the little girl? And they're like, why'd you shoot the little girl? And he's like... Shoots Hitler. No, he's like, because all the scary alien monsters, they're just like, that one's just checking his mail. That one's just taking out his trash. But the little girl, why is there a little girl out here with like all these

like textbooks on physics and psychology and how to make a bomb it's like those kids are time travelers because they're glee style kids yeah that are lady gaga fans in this year not on my watch nope those are time travelers okay maybe shakers. Maybe skinwalkers. So this is a really schizophrenic answer, but I love it. I still think they're terrorists. What's up with the terrorists? So like, okay, you're saying, okay, Jacques and I weirdly have the same

premise on that. Hey, we can kill the kids. These three kids could be like, oh, they're so inspired by Lady Gaga to go out there and kill every single person they can with a thermonuclear bomb. That's true. That's so true.

I mean, there's really no arguing with that. And let me just say something, and this is what America doesn't want you to know. Thermonuclear bomb. The terrorists, they're within. They're in this country. They're domestic. I'm really not agreeing with that line of thinking at all. The terrorists, they're within. They're in this country. Wow. Okay, I don't know.

And they're domestic. Really not agreeing with that line of thinking at all. That's incredibly suspicious. You don't think so? They're within. No, I don't. You don't think there's domestic terrorists here? Are you being serious?

Yeah, I think that there's... No, I think that's a totally overblown... So the Ted Kaczynski never existed? It's so funny this is a clear window into how black and white you're thinking. What about the Boston shooters? I said it's an overblown thing and you said so they doesn't exist?

Oh, overblown? What about the people blown up at the Boston bombing? There we go. They were not overblown, they were underblown. I think they did overblow. They should have blown up less stuff. Maybe zero stuff. Okay, go ahead. Next one. I'm not supporting their crimes or bombing so um anti-bombs shut the fuck up you're such a tricky one uh let me see this so this is a a little wrinkle to the previous scenario. Okay.

So you're on a bridge above a track where a trolley is heading. Jock, pay attention, please. I am. You are on a bridge above a track where a trolley is heading toward a group of LGBTQ plus teens attending their first pride parade. To stop the trolley, you must push Jojo Siwa, who is beloved by millions of young LGBTQ plus fans for her positive representation and openness about her sexuality off the bridge. If you push her, you save the teens, but JoJo will die,

devastating her fans. Can you bring yourself to make this decision? Does that make sense? I love that the premise of this scenario is that JoJo Siwa is so fat that she can stop a train cold. Yeah. Stop a train I love that the premise of this scenario is that Jojo Siwa is so fat that she can stop a train cold

yeah stop a train completely cold we could make it Rosie O'Donnell but I think I don't want Rosie to get killed it's funnier if it's Rosie because it's harder for Jock Jock wants to kill Jojo we all know that would have ended up with Jojo

we all know that would have ended up with Jojo getting splattered in front of her teen fans. But it's Rosie O'Donnell. So there's five teens going to their first ever Pride parade below a bridge where a train track is running. To stop the train, you must push Rosie O'Donnell in front of the train to save the teens. Or the teens get splattered. Someone's getting splattered. It's the teens who are going to their first Pride or big ol' Rosie Rosie who stand on the ledge of a bridge where she definitely shouldn't be.

So check this out. Here's some more logic for you. Okay. Rosie O'Donnell has never known. It's O'Donnell. What are you? Rosie O'Donnell has never been known to commit a violent crime. In her history, there's never been any instances of her committing violent crimes or

acts of terrorism now this is not about terrorism just listen up here we don't know the identity of these children we don't know their true intentions we know where rosie o'donnell is gonna put her money it's the democrats and like maybe a new strap one because it keeps snapping because she's too big. Well, that's true. Also, is the wife fat? That was her. It's a yes. The wife is a truck driver around China. So you're going to let the train spawn those kids? Yeah.

Are you kidding me? It's okay. Now, look, I could be wrong and these kids could be wrong. I would push Rosie. What do you have against her? Nothing. I would just... She's older.

She's older. It's one life versus five. Yeah. One of those kids could cure cancer. One of those kids could cure cancer. Or one of those kids could grow up to be the next big lesbian. One of those kids could grow up

to get cancer. Or that. Do you want to deprive them? Yep. Of all the gifts they would get? Yeah. And all the GoFundMes they could start. All the wigs.

All the wigs. All the wigs. If there was one thing I'm jealous about cancer people, it's the wigs. Period. And the edibles they're on. Because you did famously once steal all those edibles from that cancer patient. That is a grave mis-exaggeration. But you stole their beanie babies. Never mind.

No. Okay. Next one here. The woman was selling her beanie babies for her friend who had cancer. One dollar. It was all legal. Literally yes. And then I bought an edible from a dying cancer patient who died the week later. The famous

cancer edible. It was a thousand milligram pill and it was the strong you need to understand you were doing hospice medication you were doing hospice you were doing hospice weed yeah I'm aware of that hospice weed

y'all can't handle the hospice weed we were in hospice with John I feel stronger now to know that that was a dose meant to guide you into death's gentle arms. Did you feel it? Bring me the priest. Bring me Pund the priest. I'm seeing the saints, y'all. It's really important that I say this.

I took the edible. I had a... Did you feel like you were dying? Not originally. I was DJing. Not originally. It's so funny. Give had a, did you feel like you were dying? Not an originally. I was DJing. Not originally. It's so funny. Not give me a break.

Not initially. So I go to a fashion after party in a warehouse. I'm DJing it. It's going that Latina named Malentina, uh, fucked up her side. Well, that was kind of a part of it,

but this is different. But we'll just remember that story. There was a, there was a villainous Latina named Malentina. No, I fucked up. Don. Well, that was kind of a part of it, but this is different. I remember that story. There was a villainous Latina named Malentina. No, I fucked up. Don't bring it up. I fucked up my own set. This is a better story.

We've told this story. Can I just have a story? There's people who've never heard this damn story. I was rocking it. The whole club was bopping to my beats and everyone was playing rock and roll. You were playing Chuck Berry? I was probably

playing Lemonade by Sophie. He was probably playing nothing. The whole is up there standing. Let me get the sounds of Yeezys. In his mind, he's fucking slaying and he's up there just drooling from his mouth. Yeezys squeaking on the floor and just

echoing through an empty room. I was slaying. I was slaying. I was slaying. And then I have a table with my desktop computer on top of it that I was playing the music from and all of a sudden I decided I'm going to dance on top of the table and it's

going to go perfectly fine. Of your desktop computer? Yes. So you brought like a monitor and a big... Dude, that's what hospice weed will make you do. Okay, so y'all, this is literally... So I had a laptop for six months and then I got it stolen

in Austin, but that's not the point. I stood on top of the table, I started dancing, everyone's vibing, everyone's cheering, everyone's looking at me and then... It was everyone I ever met met my whole life and they were saying jock don't go towards the light and they all loved it my dog from childhood on debbie was there they were all surrounded by a glowing white light yeah and they said

the table buckled underneath my weight and snapped. And when I fell backwards, I did not only pull down a full curtain, I pulled down the curtain, pulled up the light switch, and turned on the entire club warehouse's lights, full blast. And I was on my ground. And then it unplugged my desktop computer so it stopped the music. I was so embarrassed. I pointed at

an ex-boyfriend and I said, take me home. Take me home. Pointing it and screaming take me home. I had bullied another DJ into giving me this show. The other DJ was there and I was like you have to go on and he was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Totally silent club.

Lights on. All you can hear is stuff falling. Jacques standing up, pointing to his ex-boyfriend and screaming, take me home! Meaning upon me house! Hear me now, hear me now! The hospice weed giving him a

Jamaican accent is such a funny bit. The perma-patois. Sir, your terminal condition is giving you patois voice. Literally. All right. I've got another one here for you. You are in a lifeboat with your chosen family,

a group of LGBTQ plus friends who have supported you throughout your most difficult times. Also in the boat is Charli XCX, who has become a cultural icon for her unapologetic support of the queer community. Bumper that. The boat is overloaded and you must decide whether to throw Charli XCX overboard to save the rest, knowing she has been instrumental in empowering your community with her music and activism. What do you do?

Does everyone die or does Charlie die? Simple answer. Charlie dies and she dies by them doing the Apple TikTok dance. And when they get to the rotten to the core part, they grab Charlie, throw her in the water, and they all as a group push her head under. This is why I don't think they have to physically drown her just in the ocean group, push her head under. This is why... I don't think they have to physically drown her. Just in the ocean. Drown her. We hold her head under.

I don't think you have to make it more gruesome than this. It's not gruesome. Well, we can just rip her limb from limb right there on the boat. I can pull grass out. Yeah. She's going to hurt. She's going to... Yeah.

Someone's going to die. die it's gonna be way more merciful to hold her head under water for three minutes to kill charlie x in this scenario when you're supposedly don't want to but then you're like well we may as well make it a human sacrifice to appease the gods yeah we may as well appease neptune we should chop her head off okay this is i have a good answer for this one okay This is exactly why I always have one person in my chosen family who I hate. Just in case we're in a lifeboat and I need to get rid of one person.

Do you pay them to be the executioner or do you pay them to be the disposable partner? No, I don't pay them. Why would you pay someone who's going to die? In your real family, there are people in everyone's real families that they hate. You know, like a bad uncle.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie.

Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. Odie. hate yeah okay and then you throw them off the boat yeah okay fair enough that makes sense um i need to add one of those to my chosen family because i hate my chosen family i just you know i've come around to it it's a corny concept or no it's a corny um phrase but it's a true concept you know i think of you and kyla as like sort of my chosen family but i would just never use the vocabulary where it's chosen family.

Me and Kyla and Steven are buying a compound. In your area. I just want to confirm this is like a way of saying you're better friends with them and I'm not. Well you could This is a teachable moment Jock. Yeah this is a teachable moment.

You could say oh could I be a part of it? And I would have been like yeah of course you can be a part of it. But your attitude immediately this means war your attitude which is completely combative our uh commune is going to take over benville see it doesn't need to be a new i've been good luck with that bitch he's so combative for no reason you have less guns in case there's a lifeboat yeah i guess in case there's a lifeboat. Well, no, he would tip the whole boat because he's a huge fit. Okay, okay. He would drown our Charlie XCX five seconds in.

Oh, yeah. Well, he can be a part of the Chosen Family as a contract killer. So he can kill Charlie and we can keep our hands dry. Okay. That's a crazy word for it, but I like it. I think it works. I have a real-life moral dilemma. Me, Ben, and Hessa are in a

apartment trapped and The devil comes in here and says only one of you has to go to hell and it has to happen right it's you It's gonna be you it's you y'all would just vote. Yeah, like there's not even thought nope when I even put No, I think well we I think could put his roommates in the other room. We could just... I would do that to Jackson. I don't know the guy, Kessa. I don't think that's fair to get him wrapped up in his boots. He wouldn't do well in hell.

He's been kind of annoying me recently, I'll be honest. But, um... I don't know. I mean, if the devil came through... I mean, the moral thing would be to sacrifice yourself. But I know you would never do that which is why you're

going to hell why would I never do that because you never sacrifice yourself every time is that true yeah I mean you did jump to killing

Charlie XCX in the lifeboat instead of like jumping off the I'm tired of Brad Summer we're all tired of Brad Summer dude I'm worried

I'm gonna say I'm gonna say this I'm really worried Charlie XCX god damn don't break my chair dude your chair is the

broken thing it's never made I'm getting so many calls I'm the broken new chair it's never made that noise before

Jock's getting a call from someone saved as Black Rhonda no it's Jilly the Royal and Chris Black Rhonda 2

literally read that out Lilly Singh Black Rhonda 2 and Jock is... Read that out. Lilly Singh. Black Rhonda 2 and Jock is... It says Jilly the Royal Empress. Jock is saying, when is Lamar leaving? What is that about? What does that mean? What does that mean, Jock?

I don't like where y'all... This dialogue is pointing at. Y'all have eyes like daggers and mouths like snakes. Wow. Y'all have eyes like daggers. That's how you know someone didn't receive any education in the South. Y'all have eyes like daggers and mouths like snakes. So that's good.

That's pretty good. No, it's like it was Catholic school. Yeah, exactly. That's Catholic school. That's Catholic school. Which is why I thought it was good. No, it's really good. It's really good.

All right. So I've got another one here for you Jock can you stop sending dudes on sniffies please I was trying to get a little picky don't take a picture of me next one here unless I see it Jock loves posting the most horrendous pictures that's a pretty good one of me

you've never posted a nice picture of me. Hessa proved it. Yeah. You've never posted a nice picture of me. You love posting absolutely horrific photos. Yeah, I was there when you posted the zoomed. I do not do that. You zoom in on my face.

Stop. Jock, I'm being serious. Okay, next one. Next question. Next one. Jock, stop. Hey, I'm just meditating on work. The next one here.

The happiness... Let me see this one this one okay the happiness of your entire queer friendly city depends on the continuous suffering of a young lgbtq fan of lady gaga who is tortured in a hidden underground chamber the fan had once dreamed of meeting gaga and becoming a singer like her but now their suffering is so intense that they cannot even remember who Gaga is. Freeing the child would undo decades of progress in LGBTQ plus rights and bring back systematic homophobia.

Do you walk away from the city, or do you accept the child's suffering? So you live in a perfectly... So what does your perfect gay city look like, Jock? It's something that's designed perfectly

to your... Gay city USA. Perfectly to your needs and desires and specifications. Ubers are free. It's full of big tittied rockabilly women who want to fuck only you. I'm not there at all. You're the child. I'm not at all. You're the child.

I'm not the child. You're the child. He wanted me to suffer in a basement forever. It's a child you don't know. It's the perfect city to your specifications but it's all predicated off of the suffering of one unknown

child. It's not me. Who doesn't deserve it for any reason. What does that city look like to you first though what's the perfect city to look like new york france paris i mean i'm uh look look this is the thing perfect city everyone's happy everyone's healthy healthy one kid suffering I mean here's what if I introduce the complication everyone in the city the child

is Filipino what are you going to do now and everyone in the city is white yeah and everyone in the city is white could you live with yourself remind you of a little sugar plantation somewhere? Look, I

am not... So what are you going to do? You're going to make that little Filipino boy who loves Lady Gaga and he's so... He's been so tortured that he doesn't even remember who Gaga is. His name is Miguel, by the way. Stop. Miguel Lumpia

is not a real person. I probably is. There's probably 600 people. Filipinos love naming their kids like Sugar and Popstar and Honey. They're really cool names. Anyways, look, I don't the race of the

It matters. Oh, God. You guys put me in a... What are you going to do? I want a perfect city. Is it a perfect city if there's a Filipino boy suffering for no reason? Does everyone know about that?

You do. You know. Isn't it worse if just you know and then you decide to do nothing? You can free him and leave the perfect city. Or you can stay there and have big tittied milk maiden boobs in your face all day. There's Portland Only Fans girls who knit a cab pillows and stuff

and feed you nachos. AG Cook plays all night. But there's a Filipino boy in the catacombs of the city begging for his suffering to stop. I've decided. He's 11. He's a big fan of Lionel Messi.

I don't know who that is he doesn't even know anymore he forgot who Messi is what are you doing Jock? he's a Messi bitch 5 4 3

2 1 I'm keeping the city okay wow I really think you're gonna make the right choice do you know what I would do? what would you do?

no I'm playing I take it back Hessa's gonna say the wrong thing I am freeing the child let us i'm going to cleveland i well i gotta free the child and then if i knew this information in this scenario i know this information i gotta figure this shit out because how does that does this mean that organ energy is real and so is the illuminati and like like Gnostic. This means basically the Gnostic gospel is real and that archons are controlling us and that we live in a kind of reality matrix. So I would do.

I would break it with him. You know, with that information, I think with the right. It'd be like I would not mess with the Gnostic church. Indiana Jones. Yeah. Temple of two. Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom. Little Asian boy. You're like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.

But you break the matrix. But at like Bohemian Grove. That'd be really sick. I would do the same thing, Hessa. If you get into the Gnostic church and you happen to meet a group, if you happen to get involved with the Gnostic community

and a group of people called the Golden Dawn approach you, stay away from them. All right, I'll take your word for it. So we've got one more here. involved with the Gnostic community and a group of people called the Golden Dawn approach you, stay away from them. Alright, I'll take your word for it. So, we've got one more here. What about the Order of the Rosen Cross? You like them? It sounds kind of cool. I want to go to that bar.

I would. So, you are stranded on an island with the last remaining members of an indigenous LGBTQ plus culture who have been systematically erased by colonization. The only

food source is AG Cook, Charlie XCX, and Sophie, who have washed away after, washed ashore after a plane crash. Eating them will save your life, but it will also extinguish the most prominent

voices in Hyperpop. Can we take Sophie out of this one? Is that too sad? I feel like it makes it harder. But I guess that's good. You would let AG die? Whoa, okay. This is going to be explosive.

What's your problem, bitch? What's your problem let's lower the voice what's your problem eating them will save your life but it will also extinguish three of the most prominent voices in hyperpop and lgbtq plus music history slash advocacy I hate you right now

should you sacrifice them to survive knowing the cultural and societal loss will be immense. I'm going to be honest. Hey, to be completely honest, it's a hard one for me as well. It's not a hard one at all. I don't think I would sacrifice them. It's not a hard one at all.

You know what? I don't think I would either. I don't think I would. And do you know why? It's because this scenario existing seems to prove that you're born gay. And I think that's important information. I would never, ever wish harm on those three people.

Because if there's a tribe and they're all gay, it means that the gay gene lives within them. Wait, who is the third person? A.G. Cook, Sophie, and who? Charlie. Can we just get rid of one? You want to just eat Charlie? You've turned on Charlie.

I'm not turning on myself. We can switch it up. It'll be... AG Cook, Sophie, and Rosie. And then we can kill Rosie, and that'll be enough for everybody. Okay, hang on. What about Arka? So, these people are...

Are you just people you want to kill? So, there's no food at all on this island? No. How do they live there? The food just ran out. Can we just get rid of the food? They just opened the fridge. There's nothing in it.

Can we just sacrifice Melanie Martinez and like... Don't sacrifice Melanie Martinez. I'd sacrifice her. And Poppy. I'd sacrifice... We can get rid of Poppy. We can get rid of Poppy. What are we...

What's the loss here, people? It's pretty easy. All the bakeries are closing. Goodbye, cheesecake. Cheesecake cake has closed. The gates of cheesecake have closed. The gates

of cheesecake have closed. Have closed. I've got another one here for you you and Jojo Siwa are captured by a regime that criminalizes homosexuality if you betray Jojo by claiming she manipulated you into your relationship

Jojo will be executed and you will be forced into conversion therapy if Jojo betrays you the same fate awaits you if you both stay silent you'll both be subjected to life imprisonment in a labor camp where LGBT plus individuals live until they die. Can you trust Jojo knowing the consequences of the betrayal?

Easy. This one's easy for me. Yeah, I'm betraying the fuck out of her. And also, I can beat conversion therapy. If I go into conversion therapy knowing it's conversion therapy, they're not going to convert me. How are you beating it? Mental fortitude.

So if I show you a bunch of pictures of big-tittied white women, well, that's hard because it's straight. I'm saying I saw the president and vice president of this place having sex Jock is showing us that he turned his mic off that's amazing it's fine yeah it's phantom power so I don't think the switch actually does anything

try talking into it yeah it's fine I'm sorry I just got rude it's so unfortunate that he has two mics that both have power switches on them yeah I'd betray Jojo I wouldn't feel that bad about it unfortunate that he has two mics that both have power switches on them. Yeah, I'd betray JoJo. I wouldn't feel that bad about it.

It's not that bad. It was someone I loved. I'm telling you, if this society is that paranoid about gay people, an accusation against their leaders would crumple everything. So I would just accuse them. That's genius, Hessa. I, a gay person, know who else is gay and is our leader.

See how good I am at these? You're very good at that. You're such a puzzle solver. Do we want to do another one? Yeah, let's do another. One more? My little puzzle piece. Wait, did you guys...

Oh my god, I just got... I just saw on my phone... Wendy Williamstine. Jerry Seinfeld just got assassinated by a Hindu nationalist I got the Wendy Williamstead update I hate when you guys try to

finally finally finally Wendy Williamstead finally exclamation point no Wendy we love you it's gonna be so sad

when she dies Wendy can be our bottom that is I would that is so fucked up I'm actually so sad even thinking about talking to Wendy Williams

knowing that she's not really there and she'll never come back. Her and her son Kevin went shopping today and I just thought it was a very sweet, active moment. She is so... She's five months ago. No, it just happened. She's my Marsha P. Johnson for the record. Let's see here.

Sounds racist. I need a name. What name should I use? Johnson for the record. Let's see here. Sounds racist. I need a name. What name should I use? Baloney Tony. Baloney Tony's partner who is a die hard Who's your favorite pop star jock?

I'm trying to tell this to you. I don't want to use Sophie. That feels unfair. That feels like invoking God. A.G. Cook? Yeah. A.G. Cook is my favorite pop star,

but he's more of a musician, so I would say Spice Girls. Sade's partner. I know you love Sade. All the Spice Girls. And Sade is a icon. So Sade's partner, who is a diehard...

Sorry. Tony Bologna's partner, who is a diehard Sade fan, needs an experimental drug to survive. The drug is only available from a pharmaceutical company that has pledged a massive donation to a Sade for Gays Foundation, which supports LGBTQ plus youth. The company warns that if anyone tries to steal the drug,

they will cancel the donation, devastating the foundation's efforts. Should Tony Bologna steal the drug, knowing it could undermine a program that helps thousands upon thousands? Started by Sade? Yes, it's Sade's program. I think Sade does have a trans kid, right? She does.

She has a trans son. His name also, Tony Baloney. Yeah, his name is Tony Baloney. That was the name he decided on. No, she does have a trans son. I forget his name. I follow him on Instagram. Period. She's very supportive. I love her.

I mean, her foundation is donating that medicine. Exactly. I'm going to have to say drown drown drown Charlie we're putting her ass over the bone instead of brain skip

a brain zap we're holding her head underwater no but I think we should drown it's so funny I knew you wouldn't be able to comprehend

I think we should drown okay that one was more difficult that one was a little so there's someone needs it's a funny I knew you wouldn't be able to comprehend a couple words that one was more difficult that one was a little someone needs a drug to survive okay if you give this person

the drug your partner the Sade for Gays foundation will cease to exist I'll do anything for true love. It's the cop out. Why is that a cop out?

That gives you my direct answer. I would steal the drug because of my deep love and wanting to keep someone alive. I think that's a romantic thing. I think it's okay. I'm driven by romance. Also, I have a...

I would steal it for you, Ben. Thank you. I'd steal it for you as well. Thank you. I'd steal it for you as well. Thank you. Well, I'm not really hearing anyone stealing from me yet. I would steal it for you as well. Thank you, Hessa. I would steal it for you.

So there's only one other person who hasn't stolen it for me. I mean, I just think... I think if you're going to make a pledge... You don't want me alive. No, I want you alive. I just, you know... Not that much. I just want you dying. Foundations, you know. Not that much. I just want you dying.

Foundations, you know, they do a lot of good work. The government's not doing it. And it's Sade's foundation. I love Sade. I don't want, I wouldn't want her to feel sad. You know? What do you mean? I'm pissed, man.

This fucking, why can't we drown her? Why can't we drown her why can't we drown her no one specifically this is why I wasn't like letting him smoke weed just wanting to drown someone it's just that like I still I hear the question I've listened a million times it's like

why are you mad at me right now because I don't want to be in a moral dilemma I want to be eating a peach and a duck why are you mad at me do you remember why you you mad at me? Do you remember why you're mad at me? Why you're frustrated with me? Earlier today, Ben... No, I'm talking about the thing that just happened.

The thing that just happened. Because the question you asked was too complicated for my little... No, it's because Ben said he'd kill you. You were frustrated that I wouldn't... Oh, my God. Give you the drug to save your life. Oh, I was mad about that, too.

Yeah, that's the question I was asking. I'm trying to figure out how long your memory lasts Jacques on like the Dick Cavett show is what I'm picturing right now someone said I had good memory recently who said you had good memory recently can you remember the person

who told you you had good memory we talked about this on the last episode I just realized I have a pretty good Dick Cavett. So you... What project are you working on right now? She's definitely got a Dick Cavett on. Are you being serious?

New jockstrap men's underwear keeps you high and dry. Ha ha ha! Come back right after the break. We'll be talking to Robert Mitchum. And later, we'll have an interview with Barbara Walters about what she'd like to do to her garden. So funny.

To Kevin, he only had one guest at a time, though. Unless they were in a group. Ben is struggling to deal with us. No, I'm not. I'm having an amazing time. I love being together. Should we get an apartment, all three of us together? No. no I'm not I'm having an amazing time I love being together it's like I'm saying if we have another should we get an apartment

all three of us together no I think we should live together in an apartment where we lock it from the outside we should live together in a houseboat

I'm getting a compound in New Iberia with Stephen and Kyla and I would be in the house with you guys as well sometimes but I don't think you and I

could live together I'm getting a compound in Old Iberia we as well sometimes but I don't think you and I could live together I'm getting a compounded old idea we lived together before and it didn't go well it went fine we literally never had conflict it went pretty bad it did not go bad at all I didn't enjoy the experience personally

I think you're exaggerating you were a hoarder I was not even a hoarder back then I'm a hoarder. I was not even a hoarder back then. I'm a hoarder now. But look, Ben would put the raw chicken on the counter. Oh my God, you've said this 500 times. I was a great roommate. I brought snacks, treats, pizzas.

I got you a job. That's pretty good. Say I'm a good person. Wow. Wow. Jock pulled a gun out. Jock just pulled a gun out. Jock just pulled a gun out. I pulled a gun out jock just pulled a gun out i pulled a gun out you know this thing he's just pulled his penis out cocking the gun yesterday jock said in the dab episode with jen how did that um i'm sorry go ahead yeah we people will see people

will see how it went it was i told because i remember jen was very serious and that she was like no i can do dabs i'm like you're gonna go non-verbal like 15 minutes there's like a two minute section where we're there jock and jen are just chanting bushwick bodega bushwick bodega for two straight minutes there's like maybe 10 collective minutes of total silence going on the best part of it was... When you caught the microwave. Caught the microwave? Yeah, Jen's microwave fell from on top of her counters

and Jack caught it with like one hand. What? Yeah. And it fell so... Wait, did you guys do video? No. Oh, fuck. We have audio of it, though.

Perfect. So this toast, it was a toaster oven and it was at the top level and I was just walking past and it just, I just started to fall and I went, kept my hand. It was incredible. It was really amazing.

He does have, he can have some fast reflexes. I told Jen, I said, Jen, are you ready to go from analog to digital? Yeah. It's so scary.

If someone said that to me about a drug, I would be like, no, I don't think I am. It's probably the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's hilarious because it is so going digital to analog and not analog to digital. It's absolutely taking a step back and not forward. But it was really fun. And we bonded like sisters never have before.

Never have before. And me and Hassan did that the day before. So where have you been? I've known you for 11 years. I guess I'm just mad that you weren't here the one time I come to your house. It's healthy to be mad about that. I had this planned trip before your trip to New York. It's healthy to be mad about that, I think.

To be mad that someone has had a trip planned before you planned your trip. Detecting a little bit of sarcasm from you, Hessa. I can't believe we're still talking normally when Jerry Seinfeld was assassinated in a car bomb in Gstaad of all places. His Pagani Zonda.

Is that what he calls it when he fucks his wife? The Pagani Zonda? A 2006 Pagani Zonda Is there anything else? She was born in 2006 Hmm Pagani Zonda Well with that rip Jerry Seinfeld not really fuck you Jerry Seinfeld. We're glad your dad

Rip Wendy Williams for real though stop she didn't die i'm not googling she died this happens this happens every single episode jock got legitimately mad at me once because i texted him at like 9 a.m knowing he would be awake and the first text you would see was a text from me saying rip wendy williams ben i swear to fucking god it's so fucking rude for you to lie about like a few, like a few years ago, there was... I told you you can't do that. A few years ago, there was like a... You would mention it like every other episode.

You would trick us into thinking... Yeah, when it was likely that she was going to die. But she's still with us now. Thank God. Period. All right, well, listen to us on Patreon. If you want to hear more episodes... Wait, we should talk for another hour. It's too hot in here. I need to turn the AC back on. Bye, well, listen to us on Patreon. If you want to hear more episodes, tie back your line.

Wait, we should talk for another hour. It's too hot in here. I need to turn the AC back on. Bye, everyone. Mwah. Station man I've been waiting Can you tell me When we're leaving You tell me When we're leaving In my train

Now he's leaving Engine screaming Uh-huh Uh-huh, yeah Uh-huh Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. When leaving, I don't know. But you tell me I must go.