Seeking Derangements - SD 350 - Hesse's Voicemails

Episode Date: October 13, 2024

Hesse's voicemails on Saturday, October 12th, 2024.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. Yes, it's your dear old Uncle Columbo here. I'm just calling to let you know it's Saturday morning. You know, nice, beautiful Saturday morning, 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock on a Saturday.

Regular crowd shuffles in. No, I'm just kidding. I'm, uh, I'm gonna be in your neighborhood, uh, investigating a case. You know, there's a murderer. So, I'm, uh, you know, I'm gonna be, uh, bopping around the old neighborhood, you know. It's official police business, so I can't tell you any details. But, uh, you know, let's just say, uh, it's a big one.

It's a big one. Okay? I think that, uh, it might be Eric Adams might have done a murder. So, I'm investigating Eric Adams because he Might have done a murder. So, I'm investigating Eric Adams because he might have done a murder. So, don't tell anyone that. That's really strictly between you and I.

So, I'm going to go... I'm going to go investigate a lead. I'll see you in a second. I'll talk to you later. All right. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. Hey, Husser, it's me. It's your Uncle Columbo again. I'm just to you later. All right. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. Hey, Hessa. It's me. It's your Uncle Columbo again. I'm just calling you back.

Well, I know you didn't call me, but I'm calling you back right now. I just want to tell you that I just saw a trans lady on the street. You know? And I thought, you know, I thought of you. Well, it could have just been an ugly lady. Well, that's not what I meant,

but, you know, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I support you and I support your decisions and everything. And I really, oh, Eric Adams is,

he's right around the corner. Okay, I see him. All right, I'll talk to you later, sweetheart. All right, I love you. Goodbye. It's me again. As such, it's your Uncle Columbo. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm hiding. I'm hiding in the sewer. Like, uh, like the guy from IT. The clown. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm hiding. I'm waiting for Eric Adams. I think he passed. Honestly. I think he passed by. It's really hard to see from out of here. But, um, yeah. I think Eric Adams might have done a murder, like triple homicide. He, uh, you know,

he killed a bunch of Greek guys, I think. He killed a bunch of, a bunch of Greek guys. I don't know. Don't tell anyone any of that, because, uh, it could be, it could be real sensitive information, you know what I mean, he, I think he killed, uh, I think he killed the guy who directed Mandy, I think he killed Mandy, he killed Mandy, I think the guy who directed Mandy's name might

have been Mandy, I'm sorry, I'm Mandy's name might have been Mandy. I'm sorry. I'm climbing out of this sewer grate here. Because I don't think. I think I lost him. I don't know where the heck he went. This guy. But, you know.

Things usually just work out for me. So I'm not really that worried about it. I think, uh, I think we'll all figure it out, and, uh, I'll be able to find this guy, I'll bring him to justice, usually these guys, they meet them, and they're like, uh, you know, they, they think I'm foolish, but, uh, you know, I'm a little, uh, I'm a little more clever, a little more clever than they, than they gave me credit for, so, uh, hang on, I, I'm missing one of my shoes, I think I left my shoe in the sewer, I think I left my shoe in the sewer, Hessa, hang on, I'll call you back later. Alright, goodbye. Hessa, I'm in the Holland Tunnel.

I'm sneaking through the Holland Tunnel. I'm following Eric Adams' car. I'm on foot. You know how the Holland Tunnel has those little walkways on the side? Those little narrow little thingies with the railings? Well, I'm shimmying along. It's bumper-to-bumper standstill traffic, so I'm hoping he doesn't look out the window, I'm directly next to his car, I'm directly next to his car right now, but he is deadlocked, looking straight ahead, so is his

driver, and neither of them are wavering at all. They're looking directly ahead. I'm less than a foot from his window looking straight at him. I would be surprised if he couldn't hear me at all. He could probably hear me. Surely he can hear my voice. I just wanted to call, let you know that, um, you know, this, uh, this Boost Mobile, it really goes crazy, because I'm in the Holland Tunnel, and I'm still getting a service, I was testing it to see if it would work down here, but then it does, you know what I mean, uh, so, if it would work down here, but then it does, you know what I mean, so, just wanted to, just wanted to let you know that, you know, if you want to switch to boost mobile, that's the way to do it, you know, I got a jitterbug, one of those old phones for old people, with the big buttons,

you know I got a jitterbug, you've seen it, You've always... You're always ribbing on me for it. But, yeah. Anyways, I... Yeah. It's kind of... Traffic hasn't moved even one inch this whole time. So I'm kind of... You know.

He hasn't even looked at his phone or anything, he's staring straight ahead at the head of the passenger seat at the headrest, and he is, he hasn't, I don't know if he's even blinked, I don't know if he's even blinked even once, and he's, if you want me to describe him, he's wearing the, uh, the outfit Jackie Chan wears in Rush Hour, you know, that little, uh, the Jackie Chan outfit from Rush Hour, I don't know why he's wearing that, um, but I'm, you know, I'm doing police work, I'm doing some police work right now, I'm doing police work. I'm doing some police work right now. I'm gonna go, uh, follow up on some leads, I guess. I gotta go, I gotta go follow some leads. All right,

I'll talk to you later. Goodbye. Hessa, I'm in Jersey City. I don't know, I didn't know this is where the Holland Tunnel went. I am completely... I'm on the Ferris wheel of Coney Island. I'm really scared. It's at the very top. I was going to go follow some leads, but I got excited, and I went to the Ferris wheel of Coney Island, and now I'm really... I forgot that I'm really very afraid of heights,

and now I'm very nervous, and it's, it's stopped, and I don't know if this is a normal amount of time for it to be stopped, I, I told myself, here's what I told myself, I said, I'm gonna be brave today, I'm gonna do, you know, I got, well, here's what happened, I went to Coney Island, and I said, uh, you know, because I said I want a hot dog, but I said I need to get a Nathan's hot dog from the Nathans at Coney Island because, you know, it's not quite the same at any of the other places that have the exact same Nathan's hot dogs that are all over the city and near everywhere. So I said, you know, I'll do all the Eric Adams stuff. I'll investigate. I'll do all the Eric Adams stuff, I'll investigate,

I'll do all that stuff, but first I need a hot dog so that I can satiate myself and, uh, you know, get, uh, get, get my, my blood sugar back up so I can, uh, do some investigating, and, uh, you know, so I, I went to Coney Island, which was an ordeal in and of itself, because I was in the Holland Tunnel, if you remember. So I had to get on my

skateboard. I pulled a skateboard out of my inventory, and I skitched on a car. And as you remember, it was bumper-to-bumper traffic. So I was just holding onto the back of a car in dead still traffic. And there's not... It was like Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 animations.

So I was totally still in a totally stopped car, just holding onto the back. And you know how hard it is, they gotta, you gotta move the little thing between, get it in the middle, because if you go off to the side, you know, if you've ever played Tony Hawk Pro Skater, it's the exact same thing as skitching in real life on the back of a car, so you gotta go, anyways, after about four hours in the Holland Tunnel, I got out, and I was on the other side of the Holland Tunnel, and I, well, you know, I completely thought that I was in Holland, and I just fully just started speaking Dutch to people, you know I speak

Dutch, I speak every single language in the world, which is a fact about myself that I'm just gonna casually introduce here and probably regret later, but, well, I had to, you know, I, once I got to the other side of the Holland Tunnel, I was in Jersey City. I had no idea that's where it went. I thought it went to Holland, so I was a little confused about that. People weren't speaking Dutch. There were no flowers. Instead, it all looked like garbage, and everyone was looking like they were angry at me, and it just all looked very bad, and much like New York, but a little bit worse.

I was, you know, it was, you know, it's not a nice-looking place over there on the other side of the Holland Tunnel. I don't know if you've ever been there, but I had to go, I had to walk to the PATH train. Okay, I had to walk to the PATH train. It was a 50-minute walk all the way through Hoboken to the Hoboken PATH train on 33rd Street. And I had to go, I had to take the PATH train to 23rd Street, and then I had to walk to the F train,

and then I had to take the F to Coney Island, and that was a nice little ride, because it was 55 minutes, and on this ride, let me tell you what happened. I ran into a guy, his name was Armasmio Ostrohungario, and he was telling me all about his life, and he was saying about all this fantastic stuff that happened to him. He was deposed. He was some kind of leader of some kind of country. Something about how he was, he just loved the, he was, you know, the people, they were ridiculous. If you heard about these people that he had, they, you know, they sound real unreasonable, he was just a nice guy, he was trying to be, uh, he was trying to, you know, be, uh, be cool, and just have a good time,

but, uh, you know, you know, all these people, they were complaining about all the food, and, uh, where's our food, you know, um, I forget what country he was from, maybe France, he might have been, he might have been the president of France in the last couple years. If there was a president of France named Dharmasmi Awastahungario in the last couple years, who was violently overthrown by his people and escaped by the skin of his teeth, then that's who I'm thinking of. Anyways, he punched me in the throat as hard as he could, and I, you know, I backhanded him right to the neck, it was a real, it was a one-for-one,

one-for-one battle, neck of ushers throat, and I killed him instantly, I, I really have never killed anyone before, that was a very crazy thing that I did. And he was a nice guy. I really didn't like to do it. But I guess I'm like a folk hero now to all these people wherever country he's from. Because I kept seeing all these Google News alerts with my name on them. Because I got a Google News alert for my name. And all these Google News alerts, almost immediately, they were like, Oh, Lieutenant Columbo. You're fucking killed. alert for my name, and all these Google News alerts, almost, almost immediately, they were like,

oh, Lieutenant Colombo, you fucking killed Armasmi Osterhungario, you know, the evil dictator, and I'm like, you know, he's not so evil, but he's, he's not really, you know, not a great guy either, and anyways, after I killed him, that was, that was the first five minutes of this train ride. Um, the other 50 minutes I spent, uh, in silent meditation. I was practicing transcendental meditation, if you've ever heard of that. And, um, anyways, I, uh, I got to the, I got to the end of the line. You know, you get off at the aquarium stop, and then you walk, you walk about, you walk like 10 minutes, you get to Coney Island, and then I got there, and I went to Nathan's, the Nathan's hot dog place, and you know, son of a gun, there it is, Nathan's right there, and so I

got a hot dog, I got a hot dog, and then I, you know what, I wasn't even that hungry anymore, I wasn't even that hungry anymore, so he just threw it away, I just threw it right away, and I did feel bad, because there was a homeless guy over in Jersey City that I think he might have liked the hot dog, so I did, for a moment, I did consider going all the way back, and just giving, giving him the hot dog, and then coming back to Coney Island, uh, to kind of reset my location, just kind of get my bearings again. But I decided not to do that. So, you know, it was, I did, I did, then I got to Coney Island and I said, you know, this might be, I look up and I see all the rides. And I think, you know what, Columbo?

This could be your moment to, you know, knock a few things off your bucket list. You know, knock a few fears. Because I want to die without any fears in the world. And one of my fears is roller coasters. And another one of my fears is heights. So first thing I do is I go to the cyclone roller. And I wasn't tall enough to ride the cyclone roller. Can you believe that? So I got to figure out a way to get on the cyclone roller. And you know what I did? I found a kid, another kid who also wanted to get on the cyclone roller, his name was little Harvey Darvis, okay, and little Harvey Darvis, he was like, look, I gotta

get on the cyclone roller, I really want to get on there, and, uh, you want to get on there, so of course, I, you know, I keep an extra long trench coat with me at all times, an extra long one of my raincoats, you know, my trusty raincoat, and I told little Harvey, I said, okay, let's get on each other's shoulders, and we'll be tall enough to ride this thing, so I, I mean, you know, I was like, which, he obviously was like, I want to be on the top, and I said, I'm the adult, I get to be on the top of the cyclone roller, I get to be on the top of the Cyclone Roller, I get to be on the top of the, of our little, uh, our little number here that we're doing, and, um, you know, I mean, long story short, uh, he ended up, he did end up on my, on my shoulders, he was on the top, but I was, uh,

it did work out for me, because he did, uh, I lost, we lost him on the way somewhere, but the Cyclone Roller was fun. It was, I couldn't believe how fun it was. You know, I don't know where little Harvey Darvis went, but, uh, they, you know, I think he might've, I don't know. I think he might've had a bad end. I think he might've had a bad end to his life in the, during the Cyclone Roller. he might have had a bad end to his life during the Cyclone Rula, but, you know, that's not,

it's not really quite material to my investigation that I'm doing. I'm investigating Eric Adams, you know what I mean? It's a very serious thing he did. He killed 15 Greek people in like an old boy style hallway combat scene, he snapped all the necks running through the hallway, he was karate chopping, he was, you know, doing all this kind of stuff, it was crazy, I didn't see it, but, you know, I, you know, it's one of the people I talked to, I'll tell you, I'll tell you about that later, tell you about that later. Anyways, I was calling you because I was afraid, because I was on top of the Ferris wheel, because I got on the Ferris wheel, because that was the next fear I was going to conquer,

which was my fear of heights, but then the Ferris wheel. I thought it was stopped for a very long time, but very quickly in this monologue that I was telling you about, like almost right at the beginning of the monologue, it started going down. It was stopped for a very short period of time on the top, and I've been off the Ferris wheel for a very long time, and I've just been talking to you for a little while, and I think that it's time for me to go back to, uh, looking for Eric Adams, so that I can, uh, I can catch him, because he did a

murder, he did some murders, so, uh, I think, uh, it's time, it's time to bring some justice to this town anyways alright next time I talk to you I'll be in the news sweetheart and I'll be talking about my little niece who has I can plug your podcast

when I'm in the news for busting Eric Adams for doing his thing alright I'll talk to you later Hessa I'm at the news for busting Eric Adams for doing his thing. All right, I'll talk to you later. Hessa, I'm at the New York Aquarium. It's right here over near the Coney Island Amusement Park. And they've got this tunnel, and it's filled with all these fish.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. It's so... it's an absolute... it's majestic. I can't believe what I'm looking at here. You know, these fish, they're all around me. I've been here for a few hours, I think. You know, I just lose track of time looking at these fish. And I'm going to see if I can get in there. I'm going to see if I can get in there. I'm going to see if I can get in the tank and swim with the fishes.

You know, over in Jersey City, this guy told me that I should swim with the fishes. And I think, I think he was telling me that I should die. But I think that this might be a fun way to, you know, when he's rewatching his life at the gates of heaven, he sees that moment where he tells me, you know, you should go swim with the fishes. Might be fun if St. Peter tells him, you know, you know what he, you know what this guy did right after you said that to him. You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe this, but he actually went to the, the, the aquarium. I mean, the first thing St. Peter's going to probably tell him is that he met, he met Armasmio Austro-Hungario on the train.

He killed him. And then he went to the rollercoaster. He went to the... You know, he went to the... What was it? The cyclone. The cyclone rollercoaster. And then... And then he went to the Ferris wheel and he went to the very top.

And then, you know what this guy did? This guy went straight to the aquarium. And the first thing he did at the aquarium was get a churro outside. Because they have a churro stand out there, you know. And, you know, I wonder, St. Peter probably has not tried a churro now that I think about it. Because he was in Jesus' times and they didn't have Mexicans back then to make churros. So he probably is like, he probably might shed a small tear at this part,

because he doesn't know what a churro tastes like. You know what I mean? It just makes me sad, too. I'm almost going to shed a tear right now, thinking about St. Peter, telling this guy that I saw in Hoboken who told me to swim with the fishes that I had a churro. But also, I still wasn't very hungry, so I did throw the churro away. So St. Peter might not shed a tear because, well, he might shed even more tears, you know, because I threw it away. I should have eaten that churro. I'm realizing

right now I probably should have eaten that churro because St. Peter's going to look at that and that's probably going to be at the merit on my part. When I get to heaven, St. Peter's going to be like, I can't believe you wasted that churro. You know? Some people would really like to try a churro. You didn't realize how lucky you were to have a churro in your hand. You know, I can't try a churro.

I can't try a churro. But anyways, St. Peter's going to tell this guy right after that, he's going to say, you know, and then this guy, he did, he got into the tank and he swam with the fishes. He did exactly what you told him to do. And this guy, I think it might, it might turn him around. It might make him think, you know, oh, maybe I've been going down, maybe I was going down the wrong path in my life, and I got to turn things around right now. You know what I mean?

I got to turn things around. And then this guy, you know, I saw the first, before he even saw him, before he even said that to me, I saw him take off his wedding ring and throw it in the sewer drain. And I said, you know, what the heck, why is he doing that? Why is he doing that? So I can imagine that he has some marital issues or something. Maybe his wife cheated on him. that he has some marital issues or something, maybe his wife cheated on him, that's why I didn't take it too personally when he told me I should swim with the fishes, because I was like, you know, this guy's got a lot going on right now, he's got a lot in his life that's very bad, he's got a very

bad situation, clearly, with his marriage, and it's, uh, you know, it's bad stuff going on with this guy, so I, I really did not take it very personally when he said that to me, um, but maybe when he meets his wife in line for heaven, because I imagine that they're gonna die at the exact same time, like me and Mrs. Columbo are gonna do, um, that he's gonna be, you know, she'll, she'll probably be right behind him in line for heaven, I hope she's not in front of him, because she'll either be in there, or she'll probably be right behind them in line forever. I hope she's not in front of them. Because she'll either be in there or she'll be down in hell. You know, maybe St. Peter turned her away. Maybe she did do something really bad.

But, you know. Anyways, I digress. I gotta go I gotta go solve this murder that Eric Adams did. I gotta go get into the fish tank at the New York Aquarium. Alright. I'll talk to you later. I'm stuck in the bathroom at the Verso loft. My foot is stuck in the toilet in the bathroom at the Verso loft.

There's a big party with all the New York bigwigs and movers and shakers outside. I tracked Eric Adams down, I couldn't get into the, I couldn't get into the aquarium, they wouldn't let me in, they wouldn't let me go in with the fishes, I flashed my badge and everything, I, I was like, you know, it's times like this that I, it's times like that that I really wish that I carried a gun around, I, I famously, I don't carry a gun, there's a whole episode, actually, where I, you know, part of the episode

is that they keep telling me, you gotta, you gotta get trained for your gun again. You know, I just don't like guns. No, I just, I don't like them. You know? Because I, because I can kill with my hands. That's what people don't understand. They think that I didn't like guns because I'm a pacifist, I'm a peaceful guy. But it's because I can kill anyone. I mean, you saw what I did to Armaz Mio Ostrohungario, you know? That was no small deal. I think I might have caused some real turmoil in some distant part of the world when I did that. I don't know what I did, but

my Google News alerts have been blowing up about this country over in the Balkans, or whatever, is that, that must be where France is, because that's, I think it was France that this guy was the president of, but, um, anyways, I, you know, I'm, I'm, uh, yeah, like I said, I'm in the bathroom with the Verso loft. My foot is stuck in the toilet, and, uh, people keep knocking on the door. They're trying to get in. Um, I'm investigating Eric Adams.

He might have killed somebody. He might have... He might not have, too. I'm... I'm a little bit... You know, I'm still on the fence. I'm still on the fence. I don't have a lot of evidence. Not a lot of evidence in the old, uh, in the old notebook, I'm looking at my notebook right now, which I did drop it in the toilet, so everything in there is a little, you know, it's a little scribbly, it's a little messy, but there's a lot of pictures,

I drew a lot of pictures, I drew some pictures of you, you know, you're my favorite niece, is I drew a lot of pictures, I drew some pictures of you, you know, you're my favorite niece, and my only niece, you know, I have 54 nephews and one niece, and, uh, you know, you used to be my nephew, you know, but, uh, you're not anymore, you're my niece, and I love you, I love you so much, um, but, uh, and I, I appreciate and I approve of your decision to become my niece and I, you know, it makes you all the more special. That's why you're my favorite niece because, you know, because you, you know, that's why, uh, it makes you very special among all my, uh, all the people, uh, but, uh, you know, all my nephews, all my nieces and nephews, you're the one niece, but, uh, anyways, I got my foot stuck in the toilet here at the Verso Loft,

um, there are people knocking at the door, and they're getting, they're getting very angry now, and I think they might try to harm me in a moment, uh, so, I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk to you later, I'm gonna see how this works out, if you're around, maybe come to the Verso loft, because I did see a handsome guy earlier that I'd like to hook you up with, uh, forget if you're gay or lesbian, or which one that you would be if you're trans. I don't know which one it is. So, uh, you know, let me know about that. So call me back. And, uh, yeah. Anyways, I'll talk to you later. All right. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. Hessa, I'm on the Staten Island ferry, and I bet you're wondering how I got out of the VersaLoft. And you know what? It's a really interesting

story. And I'm going to tell you the whole thing right now. So I hope you're ready to hear the whole story about how I got out of the VersaLoft. So there I am with my foot in the toilet. And you know what? You know what occurs to me? People knocking, banging at the door. Someone shoots a gun right through the door. They're like, who's in there? That might be a cop, you know? People, Turkish, Turkish, they're speaking Turkish outside the door, I speak every single language, as I said earlier, but, um, they, uh, you know, they start shooting through the door, and I think, oh, I'm really cooked, you know, my goose is cooked, there's no windows in there, there's nothing to do, my foot is in the toilet, and then I look, and I look at the toilet, and I see, I think, what if I just, what if I just flush it, you know,

what, what would happen, what on earth would happen if I just flush the toilet with my foot right in there, if you remember, I'm not wearing shoes, by the way. I lost my shoes in the sewer earlier when I was in there, like the clown from It. And so I have a sock. My socks are disgusting now, by the way, because of what I'm about to tell you, because I flushed the toilet. And I went down, I spun around, you know, counterclockwise, as occurs in it occurs in the northern hemisphere, it goes counterclockwise, and I went right down into the sewers, and I was in there, and, you know, dang if I wasn't just in the sewers, and there were all these gators down there, all these, all these gators and gator people, all these all these uh cajuns with these gators and it was sewer gators and cajuns and they were they they really took took a liking to me and they took

me in as their own and i'm friends with them and they but they did they weren't quite uh amenable to me at first i had to prove myself know, and the way I proved myself, let me tell you what I did. I had to wrestle the biggest gator down there. And the biggest gator down there is named Godzilla. Not Godzilla, but Godzilla.

Because they're, they're Cajun, so they say things real weird. So they're like, you gotta wrestle Godzilla. You know, sorry, that's kind of a bad Cajun action, but they, you know, they, I wrestled, anyways, I, you know, I took off my shirt, and you know I'm jacked, I got a 12-pack underneath that, no one really knows about that, and everyone was very shocked about that, because I'm a little guy, you know, and no one's really quite expecting that. I'm also kind of old,

and I, you know, I'm very crumply and rumply, and I, you know, I did put some money on myself right before I went to the bookie, because they got a whole town down there. It's like a town in a video game. And I went over to this, the gambling area, and I said, you know, put all my money on me. But they have a different system of money down there. It's all bottle caps. Fortunately, I had four bottle caps in my pocket. And I didn't know, but that's, you know, that's a pretty substantial, that's like $200 to them is four bottle caps. So I was like, put all four of these bottle caps on me to win.

And the odds were very low, you know, on me to win. So I wrestled this gator, and I just karate chopped it in the throat right away, and it just dies immediately, just blood spurting out. And, you know, it was very, uh, it was very, it was, it was wonderful, they held me up, and they took me in as one of their own, this one, uh, one of the main guys, his name was, uh, Gilbert, Gilbert really took a liking to me, and he, uh, you know, he's a big, uh, he's a big guy, big guy, and he was not and he was probably the most skeptical of me

when I first got there, but now after this, after I beat Godzilla, he was like, you know, you're one of us now. So then we had a big Cajun feast. We had jambalaya, the iconic Cajun dish, the most famous and iconic dish of the Cajun people, jambalaya, and so we ate that, it was disgusting down there though, I'm worried that I might have gotten hepatitis or something, because there's poop everywhere, you don't forget this is in the

sewer, I'm covered in sewage, there's raw sewage everywhere. It smells terrible. And I'm not, I'm almost positive some of it must have gotten into the food. You know, because I didn't see any sanitation or anything down there. I didn't see any sinks

or anything, any showers, anything they could have used to clean. So I was a little concerned about that. But, uh, you know, what happened was during this feast, I asked him, I asked Gilbert, I was like, hey, you know, do you think Eric Adams really killed all those

Greek guys? And he looked me in the eyes. Do you know what he said, Hessa? He said, I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. All right, so I was like, all right, that's a dead end. Maybe he didn't kill these guys. Now I'm really thinking that maybe he didn't kill these guys, because this is the third or fourth guy I've asked that has no clue what I'm talking about when I bring up this murder to him, and, uh, I really just don't, uh, you know, I don't know what to do at that point,

so I'm like, all right, maybe I'm gonna live here forever, but anyways, what, what ends up happening is that I, Gilbert's sister takes a liking to me, and her name is, uh, you know, I, it's, her name is Effete, and I, I, I was like, feet? And she was like, no, Effete, you know, E-F-F-E-T-E, and I said, oh, that's interesting, that's, I've never heard a name like that before, and she said, it's French, you oh, that's interesting. I've never heard a name like that before. And she said, it's French, you know, that's what Cajun, we got the French name. She was very beautiful.

She was very pretty. But I, you know, I married the Mrs. Columbo, so I couldn't do anything like that. But she came on to me. And, you know, your Aunt Columbo would have been furious at me if I didn't, you know, just put a stop to that right away.

So I, you know, I was like, hey, watch out. I'm actually, you know, I'm married over here. I'm not like that guy in Jersey City who threw his ring down the drain. And, you know, at that point I started wondering what's happening with this guy. Because I remember that he didn't die. I was just imagining what would happen when he did die. Unless he did. He might have died in the interim time, but between

all of this stuff that has been happening. And then I start wondering about that. And then I'm wondering how deep St. Peter will go when he gets to heaven, telling him the story. Because

you know, I didn't, at this point, maybe I am swimming with the fishes. Because, you know, gator's a fish. An alligator is a fish. So I am technically in raw sewage with alligators. So technically I am, I was swimming with fishes for a little bit. So I hope St. Peter kind of fudges the story a little bit and just tells him, you know what's funny? The guy that you told to go swim with the fishes,

he did actually go swim with the fishes right after that. But anyways, there was a big kerfuffle, and long story short, I'm on the Staten Island Ferry, and yeah, I'm on my way to Staten Island, so I hope there's some cool stuff there, and, uh, it's gonna be, uh, I think it's gonna be a good day, I think it's gonna be a good day, it's noon right now, it's, it's, it's noon right now, it's, it's been three hours, all this stuff has happened, can you believe that, That's really just a, you know,

just a day in the life of Lieutenant Columbo. Of the LAPD. Anyways, I'll talk to you later, Hessa. I'll call you from Staten Island and let you know what's going on and how I'm doing. Alright, anyways. Love you. Bye. Hey, Hessa. It's Hessa.

Just leaving you a little voice note in your voicemails to remind you to get lube at the store later. Um, so you can have sex because you keep forgetting to get it. Um, all right. Love you. Hessa, I'm on North Brother Island right now. It's not Staten Island. It turns out that wasn't a Staten Island ferry. It was a weird kind of ferry that was with one guy, like a skeleton type guy, who just was rowing me down. I really thought it was a Staten Island ferry,

because, you know, I haven't been on it in so long. That's what it used to be. You know, back in my day, back in the 70s and the 60s, it used to be just a skeleton and a little, a little canoe, but I guess now it's a big, uh, big ship, I saw it pass when we were going down, and that's when I saw it, I was like, oh, this might not be the Staten Island Ferry, but anyways, let's see where this guy's going, because we might be going somewhere good, you know, because last time something like this happened, if you remember, I went to Coney Island, and I went on these rides, and these rides were actually very fun for me, even though they were my fears, I actually, that's, it's, it's been a very productive day for me, because I, I did knock

out a few of my fears, I'm not afraid of, uh, any of that stuff anymore. But, uh, now this might be an opportunity for a new fear to be conquered because I'm on North Brother Island, which is the island that they used to put all the typhoid patients on. They put Typhoid Mary here, and it was

a mental asylum. Now it's abandoned. And it's a big, scary, it's a scary island that's abandoned in the middle of it's a big, scary, it's a scary island that's abandoned in the middle of New York. And it's very, you know, it's very spooky here. And I think I might, you know, I'm a detective, so I'm going to look around and see if there are any mysteries here for me to solve. There might be a mystery. So yeah, I'll let you know. I'll call you back and see if there's a mystery. I got stuck with a dirty needle inside North Brother Island, inside that asylum,

and, uh, there's, I was walking around, there were all these needles on the floor, and, uh, you know, son of a gun, I stepped on one of them, and you know I don't have my shoes on, I don't have my shoes, I should have taken my socks off, because they're filthy, but, you know, I just don't like, uh, I don't really like walking around barefoot, you know, some people say it makes them feel connected to the earth, but, uh, you know, I don't feel, I just don't feel that way, I just don't like it, so, uh, I stepped on a needle, So I stepped on a needle, and I'm a little concerned about that. But you know what? Darn, if after I stepped on that needle, I didn't have superpowers.

I think this might have been a testing site for superpower serums. Because now I can see through walls, and I can fly a little bit. I can levitate. And I think I a little bit. I can levitate and I think I'm going to train myself to levitate back to Manhattan so that I can finish this murder investigation. I'm investigating Eric Adams. He murdered

these Greek guys, I think. So, uh, I'll call you back and, uh, let you know what's going on. Alright. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. Hessa, I'll call you back. And, uh, let you know what's going on. Alright. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. Hessa, I solved the murder.

Yep, you'll never guess. It turns out Eric Adams, he did murder those Greek guys. So I busted him. It was really crazy how he did it. Um, but you don't want to hear all that. Anyways, I'll talk to you later. Um, but you don't want to hear all that. Anyways, I'll talk to you later.

Uh, I'm sure you're just waking up now because it's about 1 o'clock p.m. So, uh, you know, let me know when you get all these messages. Give me a call back. And, uh, yeah, I'll talk to you later, sweetheart. I love you. Goodbye.