Seeking Derangements - SD 358 - Our Dearest Donna
Episode Date: November 17, 2024Ben here, today Jacques Hesse and I beg Donna Brazil to hire us as DNC operatives, discuss some shocking updates on Jacques voodoo doll, and nominate our own Sexiest Men of the Year. ...
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We're here with Jock and Hessa.
Hello.
Hi.
So Jock, I realized something today
that was a little startling.
Not to reopen old wounds,
especially when those wounds are perhaps
on some of our testicles.
But I want to show you something.
And it was troubling when I put the pieces together earlier.
As we all know, Jock zipped his balls up a couple, like a month ago.
It was less than a month ago to confirm to everyone.
a couple, like a month ago.
It was less than a month ago to confirm to everyone.
And then second of all,
it was a very painful ordeal.
And as much as you all are probably giggling your little sick, perverted asses off,
I really feel bad for you.
Shut up, you.
You either feel bad for me,
but the fans can.
It was honestly,
I just want y'all to know that
it was the quickest amount of blood
I've ever seen drawn from my body.
Okay, so on that,
I have something to show you
and I'm curious
how you're going to react.
Drawing blood.
What do you think of these?
Why would y'all keep fucking with the doll?
So what I'm showing Jock right now
is the shorts that were on his voodoo doll
That I made and I'm telling you Jock
I did not put this was
When we made the doll
The doll already had this red
Paint on its shorts
You with the doll before
And the doll was wearing those shorts
I just don't like that my life is being toyed with
I'm so sorry
I don't think you're sorry at all
I'm telling you I'm sorry
Stop laughing Hessa behind your iron curtain
You beef curtain bitch
I'm telling you right now
Hessa doesn't even show her webcam face
Because it's too busted
Ben shows his face and it's too busted
Look I'm trying to apologize to you
For making you zip up your balls
You're trying to apologize for causing me bodily harm
For accidentally doing voodoo I'm trying to apologize to you For making you zip up your balls. You're trying to apologize for causing me bodily harm through voodoo?
I'm trying to apologize to you
for accidentally doing voodoo
because I really didn't think that I'd manifest
this to happen in real life,
but I was thinking about it and I was like,
Apologize to the Haitian culture you're appropriating.
Apologize to the Haitians.
I apologize to the Haitian culture
that I'm appropriating.
But I realized that when you were telling me this,
I was getting flashbacks to you initially telling us the story.
Of course, you've read your text to us last episode.
And the thing that kept coming up was I bled through my shorts.
There's so much blood.
It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
And then I was cleaning up my closet and I was like,
oh my God, the voodoo doll shorts
are literally covered in
blood.
I'm very sorry. Actually, it's
Kyla's fault because Kyla's the one who
Kyla did make the shorts.
That is very
that is very
I think you should reconfigure
how you act as a woman because that
is very anti-woman to blame another woman. I think you should support otherure how you act as a woman because that is very anti-woman to blame another woman.
That's true.
I think you should support other women,
especially Kyla, who's been nothing but perfect.
Apologizing Kyla's name immediately.
I'm ready to take all the blame for it.
And I'm genuinely trying to apologize to you
about manifesting your balls being ripped open.
I'm sorry about that.
Well, did you put a tiny little medical marijuana
badge in the hand of my...
No, something else has happened.
Oh, so you just ignore my sentence?
I didn't put a medical marijuana badge on anything.
I can try.
You don't need to because the state has issued me
a Louisiana brand medical marijuana card.
And I am officially...
I'm officially now a medical marijuana patient in Louisiana.
That's amazing.
In the middle of this, if we are lucky,
I'm going to put this transdermal patch on
and it should fuck me.
Okay.
So before we go, I just want to...
So clinical.
I'm going to drop a preemptive apology for something
that may be happening because we know that the manifestation on the voodoo doll is now working
you did fall in the coulee you did rip your balls open and stain your entire shorts with blood
and this was this was done by entirely completely and totally accident but how is is your left foot feeling weird in any way at all? Because it didn't clean break off.
No, I'm so...
Not that long ago.
Oh, no.
So I am just saying I'm sorry if anything happens to your left foot.
Well, let me just do a little check-in with you.
How's your head?
Fine, normal.
Oh, because it seems like you must have hit it a bunch.
Don't make me hit him.
Don't make me hit him.
Don't you fucking touch Dufranc.
I don't want this shit. I'm so tired. Don't make me hit him. Don't make me hit him. Don't you fucking touch Dufron. I don't want this shit.
I'm so tired.
Don't make me hit him again.
I've been being very nice to him.
I hate that I have to beg my friends to not hit an inanimate doll.
I'm sorry.
I won't hit him.
I won't hit him.
I feel really bad for him, and I am taking good care of him now.
You're not taking good care of him.
You're not doing either of them.
Ben is a lying devil.
This was not my deal.
what you missed
at the live show
basically
it was that I slammed Ben
down into the ground
in a debate style.
He wears a girdle.
He has to wear a girdle
to fit into his clit.
Well,
I want everyone
to remember
every once a day
that
when you can
accept my apology
Can you accept my apology?
It's bothering me.
Me and Hessa, we can fit into our
normal clothes, but Ben, you need a girdle
to fit into your clothes.
I made him fatter today.
By the way.
That's going to be happening to you.
I was making myself fatter.
He literally has the Elon body. Oh, no.
I put his shoe in his stomach for safekeeping. I switched to aspartame I was making myself fatter. He literally has the Elon body. Oh, no. Oh, wait. His shoe is in...
I put his shoe in his stomach for safekeeping.
I switched to aspartame-free sugar-free soda right now,
so y'all should be impressed.
I mean, I guess I'm still drinking.
Zevia.
Stevia.
It's like a soda they only sell in, like, Venezuela or something.
No, it's on Amazon. It's in a soda they only sell in like Venezuela or something. No, it's on Amazon.
It's in the Whole Foods.
Can you accept my apology for any bodily harm it may have caused you?
I accept your apology, Ben.
Thank you, Hessa.
This bitch doesn't even show her face.
Why is she accepting my apology?
Well, I was asking Hessa.
Did you put makeup on today?
Not Hessa.
I can't tell.
Ben.
Me?
Yeah.
Why do you look like that?
Your face looks gayer.
Why do I look nice?
You look like you're seeing...
You look like you're backstage at the theater for Midnight Summer's Dream and they're about
to put you in one of those tight costumes as a fairy.
Thank you.
The shininess of your face.
Are you telling me I have nice
fairy-like features that I felt
after on stage?
I never once used
the word nice. You're saying that Ben could play
King Oberon, King of the Fairies.
No, I said he's going to play Puck.
You know he's going to be Puck.
Who's Puck?
Do you not study?
Do you not know literature?
Puck is a human who
he gets turned into a donkey.
But everyone falls in love with him.
Period.
And he's kind of the comic relief character.
Could be me.
I'm sorry.
Jock, I will apologize to you directly.
I am sorry for making you zip your balls up
and I'm sorry if your left foot falls off
I am
if my left foot falls off
for diabetes I'm flying to kill you
I couldn't really
blame you because
I do have an announcement
I do have an announcement
if I realized that I was actually inflicting harm on Jock
through the voodoo doll
I would feel very bad.
And I mean, what can I do at that point?
I've already done.
The deed is done.
What can I do?
It's all fine,
but this leads up to what I was going to announce anyway.
I have an announcement that I haven't told Hesser been this.
It's that if they act up at all this episode
and are too mean to me,
there are two snipers outside of both of their apartments
pointed at their windows and they will
shoot you. So I would reconsider any
kind of words you want to have today.
Now that you mentioned that, I see the
sniper. He's actually
inside my room.
He's not even on a roof across the way.
He's in my room pointing the gun at me.
He's one foot away from my bed.
That's pretty easy to do to you.
You just don't even notice the man with the gun in the room.
I didn't notice this guy standing here before.
How did he get in here?
That's not makeup.
That's just the red dot of the sniper rifle
on his forehead.
I thought he might have converted.
Had some kind of spiritual adventure.
For the record, I am not wearing a bindi.
I love your bindi.
I'm screenshotting the bindi right now. I'm going to draw a bindi I love your bindi I'm screenshotting
the bindi right now I'm gonna draw a bindi
I'm gonna put your I'm gonna put him in blackface
if you do that
I wake up in blackface
do you want him to be in blackface
this woman
and I'm not gonna wash it off either
you post it online
and people are like Ben has really lost his mind.
What is going on?
Trying to cancel his friend.
This woman that was kind of like a second mother to me
Alberta when I was
bad when I was younger. I love Alberta.
You never even met her. Shut up.
Nobody told us about her.
I could shoot you.
I'm just saying. I have a man outside
your window. I would be careful.
Anyway, when I was bad,
when I was younger, she used to threaten to turn me black.
She was like,
I'm going to use my magic and turn you black.
Can you walk me through what
one of these exchanges sounded like?
Verbatim? I'm curious.
Verbatim, she was like, I'm going to turn you back black.
You'd be like throwing a fit or something?
She's like,
I don't want to do a voice
I don't want to try to approximate what Alberta
may have sounded like
there's not
who knows Alberta maybe she had an English accent
who's to say what black women who are nannies sounded like
she may have talked like this
you know
I'm gonna turn you back
I can't believe I just laughed like that at you
would it work
when she did that, would it work?
Yeah, did she ever do it?
Yeah, of course.
I mean, like, did I turn?
Why didn't you want to be black?
What's wrong with being black?
There's nothing wrong with it, but it was like at the time.
No, Alberta, please don't make me black.
Literally, literally, literally me.
No, Alberta, please don't make me black.
It's going to be hard.
It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard.
That's so funny.
What if she was like, I'm going to turn you Chinese?
I would have acted the fuck up
if she threatened me with that.
Oh my god, Ben.
Honestly, you would look so much more
normal if you were Chinese.
That would be so much easier to explain
what's going on there. Okay. Do so much easier to explain what's going on there.
Okay. Do you have
people ask you what's going on with
Ben?
All the time.
I don't know why he's not Chinese.
They look at you like you're insane.
Interesting.
A lot of times they're like,
do you know how many inches Hessa's hair is?
And I'm like, it's mid-length.
That's all I can tell you.
Classic.
I can measure it.
I'm touching all the bases today.
Should I measure my hair?
I would like to segue into a really startling news article
I stumbled upon on the Daily Mail earlier today,
which was...
You mean five minutes ago before...
Shut your little dirty trap, you horrible...
Earlier today is so funny.
Shut up. It was earlier today, you
little whore. I mean, you are technically correct about that.
I'm always technically correct because I'm
the master. Don't make me hit him. Put him down.
Put the doll down.
Behave or I'm gonna turn you black. I'm gonna
turn you black, Jack Gonsolin. Behave or
the sniper's going to shoot you. I have a black
sharpie behind me, bitch. Don't test me. I have a black Sharpie behind me, bitch.
Don't test me.
You have a black Sharpie on the back of your neck
from where I was poking you.
The black Sharpie, though.
You probably never scrubbed it.
Idiot.
I did.
Your lover texted me.
You never scrubbed it.
You idiot.
Your lover texted me and he said,
ha ha Jacques, the marks are still there.
By the way, I like it better when you do it.
And I said, that's inappropriate, Ben's lover.
Sex to him.
Can you describe it? Sex to me?
To Ben's lover.
I'm having an affair with your lover.
What's his name?
I don't want to out him on the podcast.
It's inappropriate.
It's inappropriate
to out him.
Because he's not out he's DL
my closet lover
I think if I'm having sex with your closet
did you guys see that there are all of these
gay Kamala
Kamala brats who were being like
I'm outing my DL trade
for voting for Trump
oh my god
did you see that
it was like
so many tweets that
were like, and they were like organizing.
These like, back in my day,
these maniacal Kamala bottoms
are like, out your trade.
Out your trade now. Back in
my day, we outed our trade for blackmailing
for money. We didn't do it
for political reasons. Idiots.
You know what? Because Trump's going to put a tariff
on that trade. You know what I mean?
Wow. This girl went to civics
in high school. Trump's going to put a tariff
on all that trade. It's so fucking
crazy to out someone because they voted for
Trump. Yeah.
I'm just so tired that they did.
I didn't vote for Trump.
I didn't vote for Trump, but I'm so tired of this like,
you're a subhuman person if you voted for Trump.
You know people are stupider than you.
Not everyone came to the conclusion that they might be.
Everyone thinks their vote matters.
Nothing's going to stop the impending doom that we fund.
That's so true.
Especially not Ben.
Sorry, I'm curious.
You mentioned back in the day
we used to blackmail our trade
without outing them.
Have you threatened
to blackmail someone at
risk of outing them to their friends
and family and public at large?
Well, if
some political figure or like a local politician
or like a local business owner.
What have you done before personally?
I don't know what I've done.
I think I might have.
I don't know what I've done.
I might have not.
I don't know what I've done.
Have you threatened to out someone before?
Yes.
Myself in the mirror.
He owed me money.
Can you tell me about what happened?
He owed me money.
If you don't want your wife to find out, don't owe me money.
So how much did he owe you?
A substantial amount of money.
What does that look like?
How much money is a substantial amount of money what does that look like how much money
is a substantial amount
500
okay
is that not enough
did you out him
no that's
a fair amount
I'm just curious
did he
yeah I got the money.
No. No.
Dude. This guy
This guy paid
I want y'all to listen
after this because it's the easiest money I ever made.
This guy paid $1,000
for a
full dot body rub down with
truly organic lotion
using the whole bottle in a non-sexual way a very
elderly man so i could just help his dry skin i think a nurse just didn't even want to touch him
and then i gave him a hand job that was a thousand what do you has to i want you to take
one guest really quickly to assume if the guy that's paying for sex is hot.
Often people who pay for sex are so ugly
that they can't find people to have sex with them.
Yeah.
So this was a non-sexual rubdown until the handjob?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I see.
Okay.
Did he ask you to do the intro?
It was his instruction,
and I'm telling you,
it was like maybe a five or six minute one.
So was he a public figure?
Was he at huge risk?
Yes.
Hmm.
Yes.
Was it John Bell Edwards?
No, no, no no no no it was nothing
no one you would guess but he was the head
poop dot tree
he owned an oil company
he owned an oil company
and he stood to
he stood to be his
reputation would be soiled beyond
recognition if he had
this had been revealed wow okay
well let's switch gears he's got too many is that am i am i an awful person no it's just your life
oliver twist it was it was uh it was like i was like literally 17 18 or something so i was literally
seven um let's switch gears here.
Speaking of soiled reputations, I don't know
if you guys have seen this. In the wake
of Kamala's humiliating
loss, the Democrats are
realizing that all of the earned
media that Trump got was maybe a huge
reason why young people voted for him
and other demographics voted for him.
They're trying to take stock
about the fact that they're paying
billions, millions of dollars
to J-Lo to go to Pennsylvania or something.
So this is what Donna Brazile,
the former DNC chair,
said about this particular conundrum
they find themselves in.
She said,
you got to build every aspect of the party,
and this is no time for amateur hour.
She added that even with her
many decades of experience at the highest levels of democratic politics i don't think i'm equipped
for what is about to occur because i don't have any she doesn't have a gun yeah yeah she's like
because i don't have any podcast skills i don't know the top 20 podcasters.
I know the top 10 radio shows I listen to,
but this is much bigger than just assembling a staff.
So she's mentioned, as many people have,
on the Democratic Party.
Is there anyone outside of a podcast network that can name the top 10 podcasts
off the top of their hands?
Let's try to guess them right now.
Roger Rogan.
Alex Jones.
Alex Jones is no longer
working. Seeking to arrange.
He doesn't have a podcast anymore?
I was figuring since because
the Democratic Party is trying
to find podcasters
to toe their line,
we could maybe write
an email to Miss Donna
and plead our case make our
case for why maybe
she'd want to send us some sweet
Kamala bucks for saying a few
nice things
I mean it's gonna be hard for us
but I feel like
I feel like maybe we do a pivot here cause
Jock I mean people keep talking about
we need a Joe Rogan of the
left. Of course, Joe Rogan was a Bernie
supporter and lifelong Democrat so
it's pretty funny that they managed to lose him
but they keep saying
that they needed Joe Rogan of
the left and I don't really know who that is right now
but I was thinking Jock is
certainly the Alex Jones of the left.
Yes.
That is bad, probably.
Hessa, just answer me truthfully.
Is that bad to be the
Alex Jones? It's major.
It's cool.
I want New York
times to call me that.
Okay, well, maybe if we get
through to Dada, she might
get us up there. H Hessa who would you be
who are you of the left Hessa
I'm like the call her daddy girls
I'm the hawk to a girl
oh my god Hessa
you should have sex with the hawk
to a girl
she did reveal who her pookie was
and I just want to say for the record I would never do a
pookie reveal that and I just want to say for the record, I would never do a pookie reveal. That's disgusting.
Yeah.
It should be criminal.
I'm going to look for...
I haven't seen the picture.
I, um...
Do you guys want to write this email to Donna?
Yeah.
Is it worth pitching ourselves?
Yeah.
I think we could do it if we...
Because imagine they have...
Like, you saw how much money they spent
on Kamala's election.
Exactly.
We could stand to make a lot of money here.
So we'll frame ourselves as this.
Jock of the Alex Jones of the left.
Hessa, you are the...
Huk Tua girl.
Huk Tua girl.
You're not really the Huk Tua girl of the left.
You're kind of more the Call Her Daddy girl of the left.
Yeah, it's okay.
I'll be the Call Her Daddy girl.
What the fuck is her name?
Her name is Brianna or something.
Janice Call Her Daddy. The wrangle? You have to have to call her daddy miss daddy you're miss daddy of the left
um i don't know who i'd be of who i'm ben shapiro of the left you're kind of like a tucker you're
the tucker you're the and culture tucker tucker the and culture of the left or no i'm the george
santos of the left wait why wouldn't I'm the George Santos of the left.
Wait, why wouldn't you be the Ann Coulter of the left?
I don't think.
You can be Ann Coulter.
Also, chat.
I don't really think I'm Ann Coulter of the left.
Comment if you think Ben is like Ann Coulter
on the comments.
No, you're like Dave Portnoy. You're the Dave Portnoy
of the left. That's the second most popular
podcast is the Dave Portnoy podcast. You're Dave Portnoy. Yeah're the Dave Portnoy of the left. That's the second most popular podcast is the Dave Portnoy podcast.
You're Dave Portnoy.
I'm incredibly annoying about my
dietary habits just like he is.
I guess that makes sense.
Let's say to Donna, hello
baby.
Wait, can I add a better opening line?
To my absolute
dearest Donna.
Absolute dearest Donna absolute dearest Donna
she's gonna read that wrong
my god no
sorry real quick real quick please
it autocorrected to my absolute
darkest Donna that is
that is a big no
no
you know what leave it in there
alright look we don't we don't hide from well i mean
they they might be looking for racist
podcasters
their pivots
please stop talking into the mic
it's horrible
to my absolute
dearest donna
um if you just if you feel like you're
gonna cough just can you just point the mic away from your mouth
say the Don Diva herself
to the Don Diva herself
yes this is
seeking derangements
and we
bring you good wealth
a formerly leftist podcast
yes
but we will do whatever the hell
the hell you want we are in bad health we need your
wealth save us and we will be your poster Okay. Well, we can be bent
and moved around at your will.
We can be your puppets.
All we need
is to make a financial relationship
between each other.
One that is mutually beneficial.
Wink, wink, sex.
I would have loved to have known
what your blackmail messages
to this
oil CEO
sounded like
let them know that Jock
oiled up a CEO
yes so let's start here
there are
three of us
Jock
is the
Alex Jones of the left.
Hessa is the daddy of the left.
And Ben is the Dave Portnoy of the left.
I thought you said that thing about Filipino people
when you said Portnoy.
I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said portnoy. I thought you said that thing
about Filipino
people when you
said portnoy. I don't even think that's actually a slur though.
I don't even
think that's a slur
though. I'm sure we're like-minded
on that fact.
We wouldn't consider that word as
a slur necessarily.
On that fact,
a slur is necessary.
It's an informal...
Alright, let's break.
Wait, one break.
One sentence.
Pinoy is an informal term
used to refer to the people of the Philippines,
their culture, and their
Filipino diaspora.
It can be used as a noun and an adjective jesus
christ i just feel like i got hit in the head with a fucking hammer okay knowledge bomb amazing
reading thank you jock yeah knowledge you said david let me talk let me talk please stop
interrupting and just okay um here, we've got,
maybe we tell her about our history. Jock has worked in the oil field
with top tier CEOs
in very close proximity.
A mover and a shaker in Louisiana politics.
Jacques can swing the state one direction or the other
if he chooses so per election.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Jacques can swing the state and also his his penis oh my god hessa making
his penis calm down okay hessa oh no but you have to say let's let's go with hessa aka daddy
jock what do we say for hessa what's h's background? Hessa's got lots to offer to you.
She is a woman of expertise and leisure.
She'll pleasure you as she helps run your treasury.
Sorry, are we saying Hessa's some kind of whore?
No!
Why do you call her daddy girl?
Sorry, are we saying Hessa's like some kind of whore?
No!
I'm going to call her daddy girl.
It's just Hessa serves a certain function that has a je ne sais quoi function
that fits all your other unfulfilled needs.
Any unfulfilled needs you haven't done,
Hessa's going to do them for you because she fulfills.
That's a hard job to give me.
I'm sorry you because she fulfills. That's a hard job to give me. I'm sorry. When you didn't even have a job. I'm sorry you asked
for a job. I can handle it.
Well, Jock did say he could swing
the state of Louisiana one way or another.
Can we just
roll with it? If you don't want the responsibility,
I'll call her and take the job for you.
Ben is
a former
political operative.
Operator.
Do not Google him because that is a lie and not true.
It was Russian disinformation.
There we go.
She'll definitely believe that.
Russian disinformation.
There we go.
She'll definitely believe that.
Wait, did you guys know that there's another guy named Ben Mora who is a soccer coach
and he was publicly fired just like three days ago
from a league in Canada?
No way.
For the same thing you did?
And it's just because he sucked at his job.
He wasn't calling other coaches fat faggots or anything.
It would have been
amazing if he was fired for
for truth like me but it was
unfortunately just due to performance
do you consider yourself a truth teller
yes absolutely
um
the revolution starts here
at Ben the revolution
starts here
at Ben that kind of makes sense.
Yeah.
Don't waste our time because we need it.
Because we need it.
Okay.
Seriously.
Wait, wait, stop.
I feel like the tone is getting a little adversarial.
I know.
Seriously.
It's good to see you busy, though.
We need a little bit of time.
So don't pressure us.
We need the break.
Don't pressure us.
Don't pressure us?
Okay.
First thing you say when you're at a job interview.
I need some time.
Please don't pressure me.
I need more time before I have to work.
We need a little break.
Okay, so we're immediately asking for a break.
Give us beans. Give us weed asking for a break. Give us
beans, give us weed, give us
money, give us our disease.
We are your puppets.
We are your puppets. Constituents,
constituents.
What is this voice? Did Alberta
make you black?
No, stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop! LOL, LOL, LOL. stop stop stop
lol lol lol
no like literally
no like literally
no Ben like literally
literally
I'm literally about to flip the hell out
I'm literally about to flip the hell
I can't even see this fucking
bitch and you
kids are yelling at me.
Yo, I really gotta blow my nose, though.
Really?
Okay, perfect place to leave it.
And you're yelling at me.
I really gotta blow my nose.
All right, let's take it from the top here.
What do you think, Hasa?
Yeah, I think that sounds good.
To my absolute darkest Donna, Don Diva,
this is seeking derange.
You gotta change that part. this is you gotta change that part
really
dearest
yeah all right to my absolute
queerest Donna
to my absolute
to my absolute queerest
to my absolute queerest
like he knows how to interrupt me when he's not even
doesn't have his mic, his headset on
it's crazy, it's like insane
right?
alright
it really hurts to wear headphones right now
because I have an infection right underneath my ear
oh no
okay so we're reading through
this
email to you are disgusting
we're reading through this email to donna brazil um for reference okay this is a formerly leftist
podcast whatever the hell you want we'll do now for reference we are in bad health us and we will
be your poster child use us like dolls we can be bent and health, us, and we will be your poster child.
Use us like dolls.
We can be bent and moved around to your will.
We can be your puppets.
There are three of us.
Jock is the Alex Jones of the left.
Hessa is the daddy of the left.
And Ben is the Dave Portnoy of the left.
I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said Portnoy.
I don't even think that's a slur, though.
I think we're like-minded on that fact.
A slur is necessary. I kind of feel like there's nothing to change here yeah jock has worked in the oil field with
top tier top tier ceos in very close proximity he's a mover and a shaker i'm a mover and a
shaker jock can swing the state one direction or another if i so choose to swing his penis. Hessa, a.k.a. Daddy.
Hessa, a.k.a. Daddy.
Hessa got lots to offer you.
She is a woman of expertise and leisure.
It's just Hessa serving a certain function
and fulfilled needs.
Hessa will fulfill every need you need fulfilled.
Hessa, that's so nice of you.
That is a former political operative.
Do not Google him.
Blah, blah, blah.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Waste our time.
We need it. Seriously. We need a little bit't don't don't waste our time we need it
seriously we need a little bit of time don't pressure us we need a little break give us bing
give us money stop lolololol no literally like no ben literally i'm about to flip the hell out i
can't even see this bitch and you're yelling at me i really gotta blow my nose I really did have to blow my nose you have three days to respond or else
I have three days to respond
or else and I really
did have to
blow my nose
we all watched the videotape and we only have
seven days to live you need to message us
back today
okay
you probably never seen that
that's a reference to the movie The Ring
The Ring I'm familiar
you've probably never seen that
but that's
a reference to the movie
The Ring
okay
okay love you but seriously hurry the fuck up
but also give us a break.
Ball is in your court and you got Ben Mora on the bench.
Ball's in your court.
Not the soccer coach.
He got fired.
Ball's in your court
and it's sliced open.
That's where I was going to take it
but Hess I think you have
a more professional approach here.
Alright.
I'm going to hit send on this to Donna
and we may be getting a big
callback, y'all. I wish we could hear
the swish noise of it sending.
Max,
maybe put in a little swish.
Well, that kind of sounds like
a knife-unchy thing, but whatever.
Yeah, I think it's good that it sounds like a knife.
I like when you make noises. That's rare.
That's cool. this is a really cool
spiritual episode
why is that?
this is a really cool spiritual episode
I just feel like we're having
such a good time you know
I feel us bonding
spiritually
noodle village
no I got a baguette
with duck roulettes
and pickles on it
I had a sandwich recently
from a Lafayette restaurant called
Five Mile Eatery and it was called a
jambon beurre and it had
ham cheese and
cold butter and pickles
it was very interesting
it was like cold
mush butter throughout the sandwich.
Do you remember the TikTok
sandwich tutorial you did where you
referenced
Kalamata olives as
Kamala olives?
No, I don't even remember saying that.
I remember the video.
One of my favorite malapropisms
or whatever you call them is
now we add Kamala
olives.
Is it Kamalta?
What is it? It's Kamalta.
Kamalta olives are way
better than the green. It's Kamalta.
Kamalta olive!
There you go. It's perfect.
Kamalta, her daddy.
Yeah. I like Castle of Toronto olives
yeah I like the
green ones
you can tell that if
someone likes the green ones that they don't like
to be on a webcam
I just don't have
Ben got me a new one
I got Heson a new webcam
thank you for referencing something that only makes sense to us um what else is going on in the world guys i mean i did
an episode with jen and we talked about some of trump's uh cabinet placements but a few new ones
have dropped i mean we covered elon we covered um rfk rfk rf. He looks really good. I didn't know he was that ripped.
He looks like a V-Standard.
I saw a video today of him saying that COVID was engineered to spare Jews and Chinese people.
Good lord.
No way.
He said that verbatim?
He said that verbatim, yeah.
What does he mean by that I just don't
even he's like if you look at the data
of who was affected it's very
it's interesting
didn't so many Chinese people die
yeah I feel like
Chinese people died the most
period
I mean it was
yeah
it started there that's what i mean
so bonkers oh my god i like the thing about rfk is like i am like i'm like okay someone does need
to like fuck up the fda and like you know do a lot of like anti-corruption policy within their ranks and you know detangle it from big
pharma and big ag and so forth i know rfk is not the guy to do that yeah yeah at all and i'm like
if getting rid of like red toxic red dye 40 also comes with the exchange of there being no fluoride
in the water or a guy who believes that Chinese people are
naturally immune to COVID or something.
He's going to make sunscreen illegal
or something. It's just so wild.
For some dumb reason.
The sun gives you natural
energy through your skin.
Sunscreen bugs it.
Does he mean vitamin D?
Well, that was
me saying that.
I know it was a good impression.
This is why you need to have a webcam, Hessa.
I've been telling you.
I can't understand what this freaking woman is saying.
He gets incredibly confused when he can't see you.
I don't even know if it's her, actually.
There's no verification.
It literally could be. I bet it could be Masha. M it's her, actually. There's no verification. You know what? It could be an imposter.
I bet it.
It could be Masha.
All right, you guys got me.
Masha's good with voices.
It's Columbo.
How's it going, guys?
God damn it, I knew it was someone else.
I fucking hate Columbo.
Yeah, I hate that.
No, don't.
Absolutely don't invite him.
Let me read an article titled to y'all.
It gave me a break.
Oh, give me a break.
Okay.
It's about J-Lo.
And I saw I was perusing
through the Daily Mail UK,
which is usually a...
News and information.
And it was the most hilarious.
I'm bringing it up.
It's really...
My internet and computer
is slowing down. I think it's got the virus. You don bringing it up it's really my internet and computer is slowing down i think
it's got the virus you don't even have it ready no it's so funny it's so funny
it's actually making your computer go haywire please don't do that because the connection is
gonna drop don't do this something this long-standing rule on this show that you can't
open another tab with your without your computer blowing up.
Yeah, because you look like one.
Well, here's a different one.
Please don't try.
Please don't try.
How's now?
Can you hear me, brown cow?
It's not going to work.
It's not going to work.
Yeah, Zoliak fuels romance rumors
with Tom Hanks' wild child,
Chet Hanks, at Jelly Roll concert amid ugly divorce.
So if you don't know, this is like the most racist,
insane, mean woman from all of the Real Housewives series combined.
It's Kim Zoliak from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
And she's like probably the perfect
wife for Chet.
Jock, you gotta close
everything. Can you please listen to us
for the quality of the show and close
your tabs.
Close your tabs, please.
Cool.
He can't hear us. He can't hear us
because of the delay.
I'm gonna let him.
Jock, why can't you just listen to the delay. I'm going to boot him. Don't boot me. I'm right here.
Why can't you just listen to a single thing we say?
I'm listening. It's closing.
Please.
I really don't think he can hear us.
He's gone.
I'm not letting him back in.
It's so funny.
I check in multiple times with him.
Like, anything you want to talk about on the show?
And he's like, no.
And then since 17 daily mail articles,
two minutes before we're supposed to record.
And then his computer,
they are just so stupid.
I don't know who any of those people you just mentioned are.
Let me read these.
Read these things that he said.
And he always goes to the daily mail and just sends like the dumbest articles that don't pertain to us.
Jennifer Lopez
sexy showgirl performance
in Saudi Arabia. Who cares?
She even twerks. What are we supposed to
say about that?
I mean, it's so funny because I'm sure
he would have something insane to say, but I'm just like, can you
just send it to me and I'll read it?
Lizzo joins celebrity
meltdown after Trump's election wins.
Aye, aye, aye. Lizzo joins celebrity meltdown after Trump's election okay I feel like Oprah finally explains the controversial
one million dollar Kamala Harris
Jen and I covered this
Oprah just declined to comment
unless there's something new
she just said no I didn't make a million
dollars which she did
but yeah
anyways
let me see
jock is back
jesus christ
sorry everyone
oprah's claiming she was paid nothing
yeah
she was paid a million
jock can you please check your inputs
and don't
open any tabs
yeah no more tabs okay sweetie
no more tabs
okay sorry
you sound like you're telling me not to take acid
no more tabs
well don't
certainly please do not do any acid
you won't catch me doing acid or mushrooms
that's a that's a that's a young man's game that's not a there's something else you wanted
to talk about something else you wanted to talk about today i was a little trepidatious to allow
it but um if you'd like to go off on one of someone who's been having loud sex near you and making the house smell like
poop? Could you set it up?
Could you set it up
of the loose
around so I don't have to like
because I am recording inside my home.
Would you be responsible for this?
You want me to
describe what
your roommate is doing? No, I'll describe.
Look, if you're going to go
after him in a public forum, you may
as well be brave enough to say it when he's in the house
with you.
I experienced
a total mental blackout
yesterday. I just want you to ask
yourself, really make sure
that you're okay saying this on the podcast.
It's about
saying it out loud it's a free space
where i that doesn't matter it's just about someone hearing me so you're on a recording
right now he could feasibly hear this at any moment and it's being posted to the internet
and that never goes anywhere yeah yeah but that's not what i'm worried about i'm worried about you
worried about him just hearing you say it real time?
As opposed to...
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm not worried about the other thing.
People...
You're not worried about him hearing it online?
No, people that can't navigate the internet that well.
He burned.
I mean, that's actually a pretty good point.
He probably...
Yeah.
He's like 58 or...
Jock's 58 year old
roommate
4
4
4
444
444
48
y'all can't even
the most disgusted ancient
gay sex
stop stop
I can't even laugh that hard because my, stop. I can't even laugh that hard because my cheek and jaw is so fucked up.
My jaw is infected.
I don't fuck that up.
I didn't do anything to the jaw.
His jaw on the doll looks okay.
He hit me again.
I don't know why.
I didn't hit you.
In person.
Backstage, Ben kept hitting me behind the curtain.
I did not hit you backstage. behind the curtain not hit me backstage several times
no he he was hitting me constantly and it's what made me perform better whatever bitch
jock hit on me during the show i was like damn look at this bill maher ass bitch
who is that and then you're like it's hessa and i was like oh shit i'm so sorry exactly
um so i do have the article that i that crashed my entire computer i could have just brought up
right here which is directly in front of me uh the the freaking article i bet it's so interesting
let's hear what it is. So Jennifer Lopez brushes off
Ben Affleck divorce drama for sexy
showgirl act in Saudi Arabia.
And she even
twerks. And twerks
is in all capital letters.
And I love like
this is a win for her. I'm like
I love that it's like
hey she got paid to do one single gig
in Saudi Arabia
and she's suddenly completely revitalized.
She did famously cancel her most recent tour
due to incredibly low ticket sales.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
After self-funding a ridiculous Vanity Project movie
that I think cost her like $20 million.
Yeah. Did you see that movie
i didn't i didn't i was me and amber were gonna see it but i kind of want to watch it because it
looks so like kooky now we gotta watch amelia perez that's the next um that's the new one
have you what's amelia what's amelia are you for real wait you don't know what totally i have no
clue oh my god let me tell you what this movie is it's a new movie that's out
it's the new rage
it's a musical and it stars
Selena Gomez
and wicked
and uh
it's about a cartel
leader who kidnaps
a woman and is like
you have to make me
transgender into a beautiful woman wait Kidnaps a woman. And is like. You have to make me transgender.
Into a beautiful woman.
Wait.
Selena Gomez is.
AFAB or AMAB in this play? She does not play the trans person.
It's a trans.
Oh I see.
If we could just get Selena Gomez trans movie.
Just to clarify here.
It's a cartel leader force femming a young
boy no it's an amab cartel leader who is like i want to become so beautiful woman
yes she what please sorry she
oh wait why yeah it's a the best part yeah and it's um
the thing is like
she becomes like the most powerful
like cartel leader
and the reason is because
whenever she gets mad her inner man
comes out
stop
wait we have to see this
no it's so good it looks
so fucking good
it's a it's a
it's a it's a movie this is
about them yeah i already
can't see right now but has is about to piss herself
he's like i i want to be a
lady i want to chop my dick
off the commercial
please take my dick
then you have to look up the commercial
after this it is so
funny it's it they make should we just watch it we kind of pull it up here what's it called Ben, you have to look up the commercial after this. It is so funny.
Wait, should we just watch it?
We can pull it up here.
What's it called, Hessa?
What's it called?
Amelia Perez.
I have not heard of this at all.
Oh my God, it's a Netflix original, of course.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, that one bitch is in it
she's so sexy
I'll give it a watch
love Zoe Saldana
wait is she the
it's cartel
oh my god
I'm so excited for this
it's so good
can you guys see this
I like movies
thank you for that commentary, Jock.
We like movies, too.
Wait, let me get this volume down a little bit.
Yeah, this is weird.
Netflix is going crazy with the fucking shit.
Yeah.
All right.
Let me...
How does that sound to you guys?
Why does it have to be a musical?
Sounds good.
It's a little choppy, but...
Okay, let's watch it whatever
are you okay queen
no i'm not english why no because you uh you are pretty what
sorry sorry
sorry what
is going on
okay so in this scene Zoe Saldana
is at a lux dinner
a lux private dinner
sitting next to a big mama
cartel leader
she is she is like you're so pretty and she's like thank you and then turns around
and then she does the craziest double take of all time
this like weird spiritual music starts playing as she just faces directly
away from El Jefe
it's like is this bitch a man
it's really like that is the subtext
it's like
wait this is so
fucking funny
you're so retarded for this
so
there's no cloud
in my name Renegade Ahtor. Renegade Ahtor.
Darker do the music.
If you're not willing to accept,
I don't think it's worth talking.
Just cut the chase.
To listen is to accept.
It's so...
Doesn't it look so good?
Okay, I think...
I don't know if there's any more dialogue in this trailer.
You gotta see Selena Gomez.
I wanna talk with the hell.
I'm watching the damn trailer.
Don't ever upset me like you're playing if there's no dialogue.
Shush, please.
There she is.
There's Selena.
What the hell?
Incendiary.
A model.
The best musical.
I don't understand
how this has any
musical elements
to fit in
there we go
there it is
oh my god
I'm sorry
but I just keep
watching this trailer
and I'm thinking
something so mean
what
I'm like
it's so crazy
that Caitlyn Jenner
is in a role
there's just this one
this one scene where a character
becomes Mexican
I thought she was a Republican
I thought that was a Republican
we have to do that
we have to review this
is there any more dialogue
they're going to do the thing with this dialogue
at the end yeah
the best picture of the year
bingo bingo bingo
wow
period people are so creative
Trey saw it and loved it
Hari saw it and loved it
I really want to see this
this looks so amazing wait so is it a Netflix
original it's not it's not
no it's I don't think it is
it's getting a studio release
when is it released it's out now wow
wait we have to go see it wait hasa we have we have to do a movie review of this yeah you me
and amber should go see it do you want to go this weekend absolutely well i should get in that damn
movie mindset let's schedule it after i don't know if i can go this yeah but if we need to we can see
it separately i'm not sure if i can make it that is so fucking funny
it looks so good
it's like it's combining
like
what is that one we reviewed it on here before
with America Ferrara
the um
not America Ferrara Michelle Rodriguez
Michelle Rodriguez where she gets
force famed the assignment
the assignment
it's funny that you've done two episodes about
no I know
and you forgot what it was called
the assignment
but that was a fun episode yeah Amber
I promised Amber she could come on for that
we have to see that
Amber who? Amber later
Amber later
Amber see you later period
nice got her I cannot wait to see that Amber who? Amber later. Amber later. Amber see you later. Period.
Nice. Got her.
I cannot wait to see that. Do you know the director?
What's the tea on the movie?
I don't know the director. I'm going to look him up. He's a renegade auteur as you
could see. Jacques Audiard.
His name is Jacques. I'm sorry I keep laughing
so much but renegade
auteur. He really did say that.
Sounds like a renegade auteur really did say that sounds like a renegade
autistic nice
got him he's made a
Punisher logo with the
rainbow puzzle piece I will say the
trans cartel leader looked really good
yeah she was tearing she
looks amazing yeah
mother tour again and again
cartel woman
wow
I also like how the cartel
leader kind of dressed like Jen
like a business lady
it was very Jen
big mama business woman
yes
mama loves to dress like a business woman 24 7
because she is the business woman of New York
of the year every year
mama's
you don't know until you've seen her in person let's talk about of New York of the year. Every year. Mama's. Period. Oh, wait.
You don't know until you've seen her in person.
Let's talk about sexiest man of the...
Let's talk about sexiest man of the year.
Oh, yeah.
Just switch.
Just switch gears here.
Was it John Krasinski?
I thought it was Benny Blanco,
which that may have been a joke
because he's so busted.
Yeah, no.
No one's calling him.
He's so weird. He said so many weird-ass things. His music's great. Yeah, no. No one's calling him. He's so weird.
He's said so many weird ass things.
His music's great.
Yeah, it's just...
Is he with Selena Gomez?
Yes.
He and Selena Gomez are dating.
So it's John...
Jimmy Fallon reacts to 2024's Sexiest Man Alive.
He has fingers crossed that next year is his.
So John Krasinski got Sexiest Man of the Year.
What?
John Krasinski from The Office
Jim from The Office
we're still saying he's sexy
the guy that looks at the camera and goes
um what
I'll be honest when I was watching
when I watched
The Office in high school I did have a little crush on Jim
yeah
I mean you're pathetic
he's kind of
he's got a certain je ne sais quoi
about him i would say i don't find him attractive anymore at all i think it was more a personality
draw for me because i did really like jim as a character i love like affable stupid kind of
witty guy but um john krasinski as a person Seems totally intolerable and like really annoying Wait, have you seen
Have you seen the
Interview with
Haneke and John Krasinski
Yes, of course
They're talking about how to properly depict
The Holocaust in film
And then the interviewer is like
Jim, what do you think?
Well, like Haneke goes on this
Long soliloquy about how
you it can't be done or something
and that's why he doesn't try
um which I'm like
whatever he takes down he takes down
Schindler's List is his example
yeah I've seen that
and he's like that's what I
he talks about what he did in the white ribbon
and talks about Night and Fog
the Rene documentary about the Holocaust did in the white ribbon and talks about Night and Fog the Rene documentary
about the Holocaust
and then the interviewer
is like John what do you think
during this
during this clip they have Jack
Ryan shadow recruit or some bullshit
you have no idea that it's going
to pan to John it's kind of the most Jim
from the office like look
at the camera don't believe moment, because
he's just like, um,
yeah, so I just agree with everything that was
just said. And it's like, yeah,
such an idiot. So
alternatively to
John Krasinski, can we please all
nominate for Sex and the
Man of the Year? Ready for this? Get
ready. Tilda Swinton.
Yeah. Tilda Swinton has a role of Bob Dylan
who?
she just
she plays Bob Dylan
at one point in that like biopic
where a bunch of different actors
I'm not there
and I just think
man of the year vibes
I mean come on
Tilda Swinton as Bob Dylan in a movie from 2011 should win 2024 sexiest man of the year vibes. You thought Tilda Swinton as Bob Dylan in a movie
from 2011 should win 2024
sexiest man of the year.
Yes, I kind
of do. And also just she has
a masculine energy that's beautiful.
I mean, I think Tilda Swinton
is, yeah,
very, she has some masculine
features. She's very, she's a handsome
woman. Also, if we're gonna
narrow it down to the
2024 hottest
someone who is relevant
this year
and is Angus Stone
yeah Angus Stone also
Tilda Swinton isn't in that movie by the way
I just want to let you know
who are you thinking of
Kate Blanchett
Angus Stone the guy from I just want to look at your record. Who are you thinking of? Cate Blanchett. Oh, Cate Blanchett.
Oh, yeah.
Angus Stone,
the guy from
Euphoria.
Wait, that's not his name.
He's dead.
Angus Cloud.
He died.
Yeah.
He's dead.
Wait.
Jacob Elordi's really hot.
He's so tall.
Oh, he died in 2023.
Yes, he's dead.
I nominate him
posthumously as the
end of the year.
Yeah, I'm sure his family loves that.
For his role in Euphoria and the Garfield movie.
It's so tasteless for his role in Euphoria
and the Garfield movie.
He was in both.
I'm being genuine.
It's not FISA distasteful.
I just really thought of like a hot guy.
I really honestly, I feel so bad that I
passed away. I really honestly, I feel so bad that I passed away.
I would not have voted Mac Miller to be the person of the year.
I've never really been Mac Miller.
None of these, all of these people are dead or don't exist.
Lil Peep, I've never been a fan of.
Extension, Triple X, Extension, I've never been a fan of him really.
So you're making a list of sexiest dead man
of the year
well actually
Extension's disgusting but he is
he is hot looking
who
Extension
yeah but he's awful
he like beat his pregnant wife
I'm so confused
I'm so confused as to where we are can we just back up
really quickly please for a second
Jock shut up
sexiest man of the year 2024
who are you nominating
I'm nominating Bob Balaban
who the hell
is that I'm googling
no I can't google he's a beautiful character
Bob Balaban
oh this guy.
Not him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Didn't he play Mr. Turtle in one of those?
Oh, my God.
In Austin Powers?
Wasn't he the turtle guy?
I think you're thinking of Dana Carvey in The Master of Disguise.
That's who I'm thinking of.
Sorry, but this guy also played a turtle.
He must have.
I mean, he must have in something.
Okay, wait.
Can I make one more suggestion? he just looks he looks like Dana
Carvey
can I make one
last one sure
Robin Williams
okay just another dad
he's antagonizing us now
handsome yeah I'm trying to
think of who I would nominate I don't James
Gato Feeney
Tony Sikora I mean he just died it would be kind of like Robert Owens is handsome. Yeah. I'm trying to think of who I would nominate. I don't... James Gatofini.
Tony Sikora.
I mean, he just died.
It would be kind of like honorable of GQ
to at least mention him.
That would be crazy
if they actually picked him
for the sexiest man thing.
I'm really struggling to think
of who's the sexiest man of the year.
Maybe Jacob Elordi.
Rebel Wilson.
Jacob Elordi's handsome, yeah.
Let me check the comments.
People seem to really love him a lot.
Someone in the comments said,
Can Ya Man?
Which is the name of a guy, I guess.
Oh my god, wait.
Could Pete Davidson win this title?
I mean, he's not dead.
He's alive.
He's alive.
I'm going to tell you immediately who's not going to be the GQ
sexiest man of the year.
Bowen Yang.
Oh, he's far from it.
Period.
I'm just sorry. I'm so annoyed.
Every day it's another fight
or another whatever from him and I've had
enough. I've had enough of him
clogging up. of him clogging up
he's clogging up my daily
UK celebrity
news section with his little
sputes with housewives I'm like your
your fights with
housewives have nothing to do with my reality
you need to
immediately stop
you're wasting my time
you're wasting my space I You're wasting my space.
I just, I don't
A lot of people
in the comments
on People Magazine
did you just hear me?
No, I said Bo and Yang.
It kind of seemed like
you said he interrupted me as soon as Hesse started talking.
No.
I meant Bo and yang i've
never once called a man listeners that's racist you literally you literally have a part of the
show you've missed i've never once called heston a man a lot of the moms in the comments of the
people magazine thing they all a lot of people are saying they wanted shamar more to win um
again shamar more i don't know what he's making up.
He's the guy from Criminal Minds.
He's the handsome black guy from Criminal Minds.
Oh my god, that guy.
Yeah, he has one of the funniest
Instagrams of all time.
I love Shamar Moore.
He's the classic
light-skinned black guy with a
goatee and a fedora and
giant veneers. One billion pictures of him shirtless with a goatee and a fedora and like giant giant veneers who is just
like a billion pictures of him
shirtless with a fedora on
biting his lip and looking
directly into the camera yeah with an instagram
filter um he's amazing
he's like he's love that
he is mom bait for sure
for sure i can see him being
sexy um he's very
sexy he's a very handsome guy.
Okay, controversial.
DQ would never do this. They're not
based enough to do this.
Kanye West. Yay.
As GQ's sexiest man of the year.
Not happening. Do you think Kanye
is sexy? Are you attracted to Kanye?
No, I'm actually not sexually
attracted to him.
I would have sex with him
if it was an option
for the
for the
how do you think
that'd go down
I mean
if it meant
I got some of his clothes
I'm into it
one knee at a time baby
you think that would go down
you know what I mean
it's falling down at a time
um
interesting
I don't really think
Kanye's that sexy
I'll be honest
sexiest man alive
Neil Young
they should do sexiest gay of the year
yeah
gayest man alive
they should have gayest man alive absolutely
Bowen Yang is in
tight competition for that
gayest man of the year is a cross
is a half ward for two
people because they both won
Bowen Yang and Troye Sivan
yeah
oh let me look at
the people who are in the spread
who's that other SNL gay guy
that you just forget
I think it's just Bowen Yang
who you seem to always remember
yeah can't keep that bitch's name
out of my mouth I don't know you should fist fight
surely there's another gay guy on SNL
yeah yeah there's gotta be
I mean there was that one in the 80s
you think Bowen Yang
currently there must be Bowen Yang does not
listen to this podcast he and I have
intercepted past yes many times y'all have had sex Currently, there must be. Bowen Yang does not listen to this podcast. He and I have...
Intercepted past.
Yes, many times.
Y'all have had sex? He doesn't...
I don't think he enjoys my company
as most top tier mainstream
and successful gay men,
I think, are a little afraid of me
because of my reputation.
Yeah, gay men are threatened by you.
Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Oh my God. Yeah, gay men are threatened by you. Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I knew you would agree.
Genuinely.
Because straight men can approach you
and talk to you one-on-one,
face-to-face without trembling.
But gay people talk to you in fear.
Well, not all of them.
I think the ones who have something to fear.
It's fear themselves.
Exactly. Period. Exactly.
Period.
What's that Truman Capote quote?
But it's actually a guy
from Britain.
Winston Churchill probably is who you're
thinking of.
I don't know how I know how your brain works.
What?
I really, I feel...
It's not fear, but fear itself.
We don't fear fear. it's fear itself that we fear
I don't know the exact quote but I'm sure
y'all could that's the exact quote you got it right
yeah you got it
and the person who did it
but fear itself
Winston Churchill 1943
maybe
I'm trying to think of why you thought that was Truman Capone
and that's
a quote from FDR by the way
just so you know
good god I just can't get a break
in this economy
I wanted to just let him believe that
yeah I feel like
there's a lot of things that I'm led to believe
yeah
that's certainly true
and I'm failing to believe i'm i feel like
for the love of god i cannot think of who i would nominate for sexiest man of the year
me yourself september day so i'm not can't be counted should be a celebrity the sexiest them
of the year okay um demi lavon Lovato. Oh, fuck.
She's not non-binary anymore.
Yeah, watch your fucking mouth, Ben.
I actually thought they said
I thought someone said Adrian Brody
is one of the sexiest men of the year.
Adrian Brody is so hot.
I love that.
Love that nose.
Love that giant nose.
Adrian Brody is like really sexy.
You think Jon Hamm is sexy?
No. I recognize the fact that he's
handsome, but
he's not my type at all. I think Don Draper is sexy,
but I don't think Jon Hamm.
I really, I watched
Mad Men, rewatched Mad Men, and I
was really
identifying with Don Draper.per yeah for like the first
like six seasons or something i was like it's like struggling to figure out what he was doing wrong
um yeah he thought he was this guy's doing a great job it was like it kind of seems like he's making
every decision correctly and then you know he really if you take the sex addiction out of it
he's kind of like
a chill guy
that's what they say about Kanye
if you take the sex addiction out of it
he's kind of a chill guy
but I guess yeah he was handsome in that
I suppose
he's hung
we all know that he's packing some
heat because gay guys
love sharing
zoomed in photos of his
crotch and being like
I think it's 9 maybe 10.
Jack Black
I'm just making a joke man.
As the GQ man.
Also the onion butt info wars. As the GQ man. Also, the union bought InfoWars.
What does that even entail?
Does that mean that they're just going to
post things on InfoWars?
I know what InfoWars is.
InfoWars as
an entity was sold at a
bankruptcy auction.
At a bankruptcy auction.
Because Alex Jones owes
like $30 billion to the families of Sandy Hook
and I'm sure various other people.
And The Onion apparently
bought the entire entity.
So they own the former studio.
They own all the materials that are in that studio.
They own all of their products
that they were selling all of the crazy supplements
they were selling are now in possession
of the onion
which is really crazy they have their
mailing list too which means that
they can go after
them and start
their funny onion written
and then pretending to be info
wars and the people who are too stupid
won't know that InfoWars got bought
and they'll think that it's real.
This is going to be a brilliant surge in fake news
and people identifying it as real news.
Yeah, no, literally.
I mean, there is times where people think satire is truth.
There are?
That's very true.
That's very true.
Are you serious?
Shut up.
That's very true.
Hey, y'all, I'm never speaking my mind again.
Can you think of an example of that?
I forgot what I said because I was so mad.
You have got to get it together, bitch.
My God, you have the memory of a goldfish
literally i am having some facial issues lately so can people just get off my grill i haven't even
had but i've only had i've only had but today and my hurts. And I didn't go to the doctor.
And I didn't go to the post office.
Okay, well, go to the doctor, bitch.
I'm just...
Yeah, you're like yelling at us because you didn't go to the doctor.
Will you go to the doctor?
I'm going to go tomorrow, but I'm just pissed off that I'm having to go back to the doctor.
It's always tomorrow.
It's not always tomorrow.
Why are you pissed off you have to go to the doctor?
The doctor is the person who helps you.
I know, but I'm mad that I keep needing this much help.
Like, I'm having issues.
Then maybe consider a lifestyle change.
Do you see any connection between the constant health problems you're having
with the lifestyle you lead?
I'm saying this to you as a friend who wants to see you happy and healthy.
You don't see any connection between lifestyle and health.
What happened to your dog?
I switched to sugar-free soda.
What more do they want from me?
They.
They.
I'm trying more vegetables.
It's you.
It's your body.
I'm trying more vegetables.
Okay.
You guys don't see the changes that I make,
but sometimes I do try changes that are positive
and I'm still having a lot of negative
it's hard
I mean it's a lifestyle change
you're still pale
the bitch still has mid-length hair
I don't know what kind of lifestyle change I need to have
all of a sudden
and you still can't even see what she's saying behind her
fucking beef curtain
can you guys still hear me?
yes I can still hear you, but I guarantee
you're not saying anything.
Jock is insulting us because we're healthier than him.
Yes, and it's
not fair. You two should be
disposed to
a lot more kind of illness
and disease. Why would you wish that upon someone?
Why would you wish that upon someone?
I'm not wishing that.
It's not fair that as a podcast i have to take the brunt what's going on with your job
what happened disease you and famine it's your it's your life what's going on with your job i
feel like i got assigned to talk about your contract on the show constantly
what happened my jaw is really hurting.
It started swelling up last night.
And I don't know why. And I had like...
I don't know.
It's swollen above my ear.
Can you see it on my cheek?
No.
This is the regular side.
Your camera is in like...
You look like an 8-bit character right now.
Yes.
What is going on?
My internet must have fucked up today,
and I didn't even notice.
Indeed.
Well, I think we can leave it there.
I love everyone.
Jock, please go to the doctor.
I don't actually hate you.
It's just my jealousy that thrives.
Well, I think it's probably the mass amount of pain
that you're in physically,
and you're taking it out on us.
Yes, it's also that.
Thank you for admitting that. physically and you're taking it out on us yes it's also that I feel like I've been
I feel like Mike Tyson
hit me on the left side
bare knuckled
just go to the doctor please
it's not a tooth thing
does anyone know what this is?
no any free listeners
out there if you'd like more of this
content you can get it on our patreon
that's patreon.com slash seeking
derangement. And until next time, everyone, bye-bye. Bye. Adios, muchachos. wow
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