Seeking Derangements - SD 358 - Our Dearest Donna

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

Ben here, today Jacques Hesse and I beg Donna Brazil to hire us as DNC operatives, discuss some shocking updates on Jacques voodoo doll, and nominate our own Sexiest Men of the Year. ...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 🎵 🎵 Don't give life away, it's so exciting 🎵 🎵 You say you're tired of trying, I understand the way you feel 🎵 🎵 Don't give up, it's not this real, it's so exciting 🎵 Hello everyone, welcome to Seeking Derangements. This is a free episode. If you'd like to hear our weekly bonus episodes, subscribe to our Patreon for one a week, maybe two a week, and then also some special bonus content.
Starting point is 00:00:53 Maybe for your lifetime, if you could just do that for us. Please don't ever unsubscribe. Don't subscribe for one week or two weeks. Please subscribe for as long as you possibly can. Just saying there's a weekly bonus episode, and yeah, sometimes there's two. Anyways. You're going to be happy if you subscribe at any time.
Starting point is 00:01:09 We're here with Jock and Hessa. Hello. Hi. So Jock, I realized something today that was a little startling. Not to reopen old wounds, especially when those wounds are perhaps on some of our testicles.
Starting point is 00:01:26 But I want to show you something. And it was troubling when I put the pieces together earlier. As we all know, Jock zipped his balls up a couple, like a month ago. It was less than a month ago to confirm to everyone. a couple, like a month ago. It was less than a month ago to confirm to everyone. And then second of all, it was a very painful ordeal.
Starting point is 00:01:52 And as much as you all are probably giggling your little sick, perverted asses off, I really feel bad for you. Shut up, you. You either feel bad for me, but the fans can. It was honestly, I just want y'all to know that it was the quickest amount of blood
Starting point is 00:02:07 I've ever seen drawn from my body. Okay, so on that, I have something to show you and I'm curious how you're going to react. Drawing blood. What do you think of these? Why would y'all keep fucking with the doll?
Starting point is 00:02:21 So what I'm showing Jock right now is the shorts that were on his voodoo doll That I made and I'm telling you Jock I did not put this was When we made the doll The doll already had this red Paint on its shorts You with the doll before
Starting point is 00:02:35 And the doll was wearing those shorts I just don't like that my life is being toyed with I'm so sorry I don't think you're sorry at all I'm telling you I'm sorry Stop laughing Hessa behind your iron curtain You beef curtain bitch I'm telling you right now
Starting point is 00:02:51 Hessa doesn't even show her webcam face Because it's too busted Ben shows his face and it's too busted Look I'm trying to apologize to you For making you zip up your balls You're trying to apologize for causing me bodily harm For accidentally doing voodoo I'm trying to apologize to you For making you zip up your balls. You're trying to apologize for causing me bodily harm through voodoo? I'm trying to apologize to you
Starting point is 00:03:08 for accidentally doing voodoo because I really didn't think that I'd manifest this to happen in real life, but I was thinking about it and I was like, Apologize to the Haitian culture you're appropriating. Apologize to the Haitians. I apologize to the Haitian culture that I'm appropriating.
Starting point is 00:03:25 But I realized that when you were telling me this, I was getting flashbacks to you initially telling us the story. Of course, you've read your text to us last episode. And the thing that kept coming up was I bled through my shorts. There's so much blood. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. And then I was cleaning up my closet and I was like, oh my God, the voodoo doll shorts
Starting point is 00:03:46 are literally covered in blood. I'm very sorry. Actually, it's Kyla's fault because Kyla's the one who Kyla did make the shorts. That is very that is very I think you should reconfigure
Starting point is 00:04:01 how you act as a woman because that is very anti-woman to blame another woman. I think you should support otherure how you act as a woman because that is very anti-woman to blame another woman. That's true. I think you should support other women, especially Kyla, who's been nothing but perfect. Apologizing Kyla's name immediately. I'm ready to take all the blame for it. And I'm genuinely trying to apologize to you
Starting point is 00:04:19 about manifesting your balls being ripped open. I'm sorry about that. Well, did you put a tiny little medical marijuana badge in the hand of my... No, something else has happened. Oh, so you just ignore my sentence? I didn't put a medical marijuana badge on anything. I can try.
Starting point is 00:04:36 You don't need to because the state has issued me a Louisiana brand medical marijuana card. And I am officially... I'm officially now a medical marijuana patient in Louisiana. That's amazing. In the middle of this, if we are lucky, I'm going to put this transdermal patch on and it should fuck me.
Starting point is 00:04:59 Okay. So before we go, I just want to... So clinical. I'm going to drop a preemptive apology for something that may be happening because we know that the manifestation on the voodoo doll is now working you did fall in the coulee you did rip your balls open and stain your entire shorts with blood and this was this was done by entirely completely and totally accident but how is is your left foot feeling weird in any way at all? Because it didn't clean break off. No, I'm so...
Starting point is 00:05:27 Not that long ago. Oh, no. So I am just saying I'm sorry if anything happens to your left foot. Well, let me just do a little check-in with you. How's your head? Fine, normal. Oh, because it seems like you must have hit it a bunch. Don't make me hit him.
Starting point is 00:05:41 Don't make me hit him. Don't you fucking touch Dufranc. I don't want this shit. I'm so tired. Don't make me hit him. Don't make me hit him. Don't you fucking touch Dufron. I don't want this shit. I'm so tired. Don't make me hit him again. I've been being very nice to him. I hate that I have to beg my friends to not hit an inanimate doll. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:05:57 I won't hit him. I won't hit him. I feel really bad for him, and I am taking good care of him now. You're not taking good care of him. You're not doing either of them. Ben is a lying devil. This was not my deal. what you missed
Starting point is 00:06:09 at the live show basically it was that I slammed Ben down into the ground in a debate style. He wears a girdle. He has to wear a girdle to fit into his clit.
Starting point is 00:06:19 Well, I want everyone to remember every once a day that when you can accept my apology Can you accept my apology?
Starting point is 00:06:26 It's bothering me. Me and Hessa, we can fit into our normal clothes, but Ben, you need a girdle to fit into your clothes. I made him fatter today. By the way. That's going to be happening to you. I was making myself fatter.
Starting point is 00:06:41 He literally has the Elon body. Oh, no. I put his shoe in his stomach for safekeeping. I switched to aspartame I was making myself fatter. He literally has the Elon body. Oh, no. Oh, wait. His shoe is in... I put his shoe in his stomach for safekeeping. I switched to aspartame-free sugar-free soda right now, so y'all should be impressed. I mean, I guess I'm still drinking. Zevia. Stevia.
Starting point is 00:07:00 It's like a soda they only sell in, like, Venezuela or something. No, it's on Amazon. It's in a soda they only sell in like Venezuela or something. No, it's on Amazon. It's in the Whole Foods. Can you accept my apology for any bodily harm it may have caused you? I accept your apology, Ben. Thank you, Hessa. This bitch doesn't even show her face. Why is she accepting my apology?
Starting point is 00:07:17 Well, I was asking Hessa. Did you put makeup on today? Not Hessa. I can't tell. Ben. Me? Yeah. Why do you look like that?
Starting point is 00:07:27 Your face looks gayer. Why do I look nice? You look like you're seeing... You look like you're backstage at the theater for Midnight Summer's Dream and they're about to put you in one of those tight costumes as a fairy. Thank you. The shininess of your face. Are you telling me I have nice
Starting point is 00:07:45 fairy-like features that I felt after on stage? I never once used the word nice. You're saying that Ben could play King Oberon, King of the Fairies. No, I said he's going to play Puck. You know he's going to be Puck. Who's Puck?
Starting point is 00:08:01 Do you not study? Do you not know literature? Puck is a human who he gets turned into a donkey. But everyone falls in love with him. Period. And he's kind of the comic relief character. Could be me.
Starting point is 00:08:20 I'm sorry. Jock, I will apologize to you directly. I am sorry for making you zip your balls up and I'm sorry if your left foot falls off I am if my left foot falls off for diabetes I'm flying to kill you I couldn't really
Starting point is 00:08:35 blame you because I do have an announcement I do have an announcement if I realized that I was actually inflicting harm on Jock through the voodoo doll I would feel very bad. And I mean, what can I do at that point? I've already done.
Starting point is 00:08:49 The deed is done. What can I do? It's all fine, but this leads up to what I was going to announce anyway. I have an announcement that I haven't told Hesser been this. It's that if they act up at all this episode and are too mean to me, there are two snipers outside of both of their apartments
Starting point is 00:09:05 pointed at their windows and they will shoot you. So I would reconsider any kind of words you want to have today. Now that you mentioned that, I see the sniper. He's actually inside my room. He's not even on a roof across the way. He's in my room pointing the gun at me.
Starting point is 00:09:21 He's one foot away from my bed. That's pretty easy to do to you. You just don't even notice the man with the gun in the room. I didn't notice this guy standing here before. How did he get in here? That's not makeup. That's just the red dot of the sniper rifle on his forehead.
Starting point is 00:09:37 I thought he might have converted. Had some kind of spiritual adventure. For the record, I am not wearing a bindi. I love your bindi. I'm screenshotting the bindi right now. I'm going to draw a bindi I love your bindi I'm screenshotting the bindi right now I'm gonna draw a bindi I'm gonna put your I'm gonna put him in blackface if you do that
Starting point is 00:09:50 I wake up in blackface do you want him to be in blackface this woman and I'm not gonna wash it off either you post it online and people are like Ben has really lost his mind. What is going on? Trying to cancel his friend.
Starting point is 00:10:09 This woman that was kind of like a second mother to me Alberta when I was bad when I was younger. I love Alberta. You never even met her. Shut up. Nobody told us about her. I could shoot you. I'm just saying. I have a man outside your window. I would be careful.
Starting point is 00:10:25 Anyway, when I was bad, when I was younger, she used to threaten to turn me black. She was like, I'm going to use my magic and turn you black. Can you walk me through what one of these exchanges sounded like? Verbatim? I'm curious. Verbatim, she was like, I'm going to turn you back black.
Starting point is 00:10:42 You'd be like throwing a fit or something? She's like, I don't want to do a voice I don't want to try to approximate what Alberta may have sounded like there's not who knows Alberta maybe she had an English accent who's to say what black women who are nannies sounded like
Starting point is 00:10:55 she may have talked like this you know I'm gonna turn you back I can't believe I just laughed like that at you would it work when she did that, would it work? Yeah, did she ever do it? Yeah, of course.
Starting point is 00:11:07 I mean, like, did I turn? Why didn't you want to be black? What's wrong with being black? There's nothing wrong with it, but it was like at the time. No, Alberta, please don't make me black. Literally, literally, literally me. No, Alberta, please don't make me black. It's going to be hard.
Starting point is 00:11:26 It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard. That's so funny. What if she was like, I'm going to turn you Chinese? I would have acted the fuck up if she threatened me with that. Oh my god, Ben. Honestly, you would look so much more normal if you were Chinese.
Starting point is 00:11:42 That would be so much easier to explain what's going on there. Okay. Do so much easier to explain what's going on there. Okay. Do you have people ask you what's going on with Ben? All the time. I don't know why he's not Chinese. They look at you like you're insane.
Starting point is 00:11:57 Interesting. A lot of times they're like, do you know how many inches Hessa's hair is? And I'm like, it's mid-length. That's all I can tell you. Classic. I can measure it. I'm touching all the bases today.
Starting point is 00:12:13 Should I measure my hair? I would like to segue into a really startling news article I stumbled upon on the Daily Mail earlier today, which was... You mean five minutes ago before... Shut your little dirty trap, you horrible... Earlier today is so funny. Shut up. It was earlier today, you
Starting point is 00:12:30 little whore. I mean, you are technically correct about that. I'm always technically correct because I'm the master. Don't make me hit him. Put him down. Put the doll down. Behave or I'm gonna turn you black. I'm gonna turn you black, Jack Gonsolin. Behave or the sniper's going to shoot you. I have a black sharpie behind me, bitch. Don't test me. I have a black Sharpie behind me, bitch.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Don't test me. You have a black Sharpie on the back of your neck from where I was poking you. The black Sharpie, though. You probably never scrubbed it. Idiot. I did. Your lover texted me.
Starting point is 00:12:56 You never scrubbed it. You idiot. Your lover texted me and he said, ha ha Jacques, the marks are still there. By the way, I like it better when you do it. And I said, that's inappropriate, Ben's lover. Sex to him. Can you describe it? Sex to me?
Starting point is 00:13:12 To Ben's lover. I'm having an affair with your lover. What's his name? I don't want to out him on the podcast. It's inappropriate. It's inappropriate to out him. Because he's not out he's DL
Starting point is 00:13:28 my closet lover I think if I'm having sex with your closet did you guys see that there are all of these gay Kamala Kamala brats who were being like I'm outing my DL trade for voting for Trump oh my god
Starting point is 00:13:44 did you see that it was like so many tweets that were like, and they were like organizing. These like, back in my day, these maniacal Kamala bottoms are like, out your trade. Out your trade now. Back in
Starting point is 00:13:57 my day, we outed our trade for blackmailing for money. We didn't do it for political reasons. Idiots. You know what? Because Trump's going to put a tariff on that trade. You know what I mean? Wow. This girl went to civics in high school. Trump's going to put a tariff on all that trade. It's so fucking
Starting point is 00:14:16 crazy to out someone because they voted for Trump. Yeah. I'm just so tired that they did. I didn't vote for Trump. I didn't vote for Trump, but I'm so tired of this like, you're a subhuman person if you voted for Trump. You know people are stupider than you. Not everyone came to the conclusion that they might be.
Starting point is 00:14:35 Everyone thinks their vote matters. Nothing's going to stop the impending doom that we fund. That's so true. Especially not Ben. Sorry, I'm curious. You mentioned back in the day we used to blackmail our trade without outing them.
Starting point is 00:14:57 Have you threatened to blackmail someone at risk of outing them to their friends and family and public at large? Well, if some political figure or like a local politician or like a local business owner. What have you done before personally?
Starting point is 00:15:14 I don't know what I've done. I think I might have. I don't know what I've done. I might have not. I don't know what I've done. Have you threatened to out someone before? Yes. Myself in the mirror.
Starting point is 00:15:28 He owed me money. Can you tell me about what happened? He owed me money. If you don't want your wife to find out, don't owe me money. So how much did he owe you? A substantial amount of money. What does that look like? How much money is a substantial amount of money what does that look like how much money
Starting point is 00:15:45 is a substantial amount 500 okay is that not enough did you out him no that's a fair amount I'm just curious
Starting point is 00:16:02 did he yeah I got the money. No. No. Dude. This guy This guy paid I want y'all to listen after this because it's the easiest money I ever made. This guy paid $1,000
Starting point is 00:16:16 for a full dot body rub down with truly organic lotion using the whole bottle in a non-sexual way a very elderly man so i could just help his dry skin i think a nurse just didn't even want to touch him and then i gave him a hand job that was a thousand what do you has to i want you to take one guest really quickly to assume if the guy that's paying for sex is hot. Often people who pay for sex are so ugly
Starting point is 00:16:50 that they can't find people to have sex with them. Yeah. So this was a non-sexual rubdown until the handjob? Yeah. Absolutely. I see. Okay. Did he ask you to do the intro?
Starting point is 00:17:06 It was his instruction, and I'm telling you, it was like maybe a five or six minute one. So was he a public figure? Was he at huge risk? Yes. Hmm. Yes.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Was it John Bell Edwards? No, no, no no no no it was nothing no one you would guess but he was the head poop dot tree he owned an oil company he owned an oil company and he stood to he stood to be his
Starting point is 00:17:39 reputation would be soiled beyond recognition if he had this had been revealed wow okay well let's switch gears he's got too many is that am i am i an awful person no it's just your life oliver twist it was it was uh it was like i was like literally 17 18 or something so i was literally seven um let's switch gears here. Speaking of soiled reputations, I don't know if you guys have seen this. In the wake
Starting point is 00:18:10 of Kamala's humiliating loss, the Democrats are realizing that all of the earned media that Trump got was maybe a huge reason why young people voted for him and other demographics voted for him. They're trying to take stock about the fact that they're paying
Starting point is 00:18:26 billions, millions of dollars to J-Lo to go to Pennsylvania or something. So this is what Donna Brazile, the former DNC chair, said about this particular conundrum they find themselves in. She said, you got to build every aspect of the party,
Starting point is 00:18:42 and this is no time for amateur hour. She added that even with her many decades of experience at the highest levels of democratic politics i don't think i'm equipped for what is about to occur because i don't have any she doesn't have a gun yeah yeah she's like because i don't have any podcast skills i don't know the top 20 podcasters. I know the top 10 radio shows I listen to, but this is much bigger than just assembling a staff. So she's mentioned, as many people have,
Starting point is 00:19:15 on the Democratic Party. Is there anyone outside of a podcast network that can name the top 10 podcasts off the top of their hands? Let's try to guess them right now. Roger Rogan. Alex Jones. Alex Jones is no longer working. Seeking to arrange.
Starting point is 00:19:33 He doesn't have a podcast anymore? I was figuring since because the Democratic Party is trying to find podcasters to toe their line, we could maybe write an email to Miss Donna and plead our case make our
Starting point is 00:19:50 case for why maybe she'd want to send us some sweet Kamala bucks for saying a few nice things I mean it's gonna be hard for us but I feel like I feel like maybe we do a pivot here cause Jock I mean people keep talking about
Starting point is 00:20:05 we need a Joe Rogan of the left. Of course, Joe Rogan was a Bernie supporter and lifelong Democrat so it's pretty funny that they managed to lose him but they keep saying that they needed Joe Rogan of the left and I don't really know who that is right now but I was thinking Jock is
Starting point is 00:20:21 certainly the Alex Jones of the left. Yes. That is bad, probably. Hessa, just answer me truthfully. Is that bad to be the Alex Jones? It's major. It's cool. I want New York
Starting point is 00:20:37 times to call me that. Okay, well, maybe if we get through to Dada, she might get us up there. H Hessa who would you be who are you of the left Hessa I'm like the call her daddy girls I'm the hawk to a girl oh my god Hessa
Starting point is 00:20:56 you should have sex with the hawk to a girl she did reveal who her pookie was and I just want to say for the record I would never do a pookie reveal that and I just want to say for the record, I would never do a pookie reveal. That's disgusting. Yeah. It should be criminal. I'm going to look for...
Starting point is 00:21:09 I haven't seen the picture. I, um... Do you guys want to write this email to Donna? Yeah. Is it worth pitching ourselves? Yeah. I think we could do it if we... Because imagine they have...
Starting point is 00:21:21 Like, you saw how much money they spent on Kamala's election. Exactly. We could stand to make a lot of money here. So we'll frame ourselves as this. Jock of the Alex Jones of the left. Hessa, you are the... Huk Tua girl.
Starting point is 00:21:34 Huk Tua girl. You're not really the Huk Tua girl of the left. You're kind of more the Call Her Daddy girl of the left. Yeah, it's okay. I'll be the Call Her Daddy girl. What the fuck is her name? Her name is Brianna or something. Janice Call Her Daddy. The wrangle? You have to have to call her daddy miss daddy you're miss daddy of the left
Starting point is 00:21:49 um i don't know who i'd be of who i'm ben shapiro of the left you're kind of like a tucker you're the tucker you're the and culture tucker tucker the and culture of the left or no i'm the george santos of the left wait why wouldn't I'm the George Santos of the left. Wait, why wouldn't you be the Ann Coulter of the left? I don't think. You can be Ann Coulter. Also, chat. I don't really think I'm Ann Coulter of the left.
Starting point is 00:22:15 Comment if you think Ben is like Ann Coulter on the comments. No, you're like Dave Portnoy. You're the Dave Portnoy of the left. That's the second most popular podcast is the Dave Portnoy podcast. You're Dave Portnoy. Yeah're the Dave Portnoy of the left. That's the second most popular podcast is the Dave Portnoy podcast. You're Dave Portnoy. I'm incredibly annoying about my dietary habits just like he is.
Starting point is 00:22:32 I guess that makes sense. Let's say to Donna, hello baby. Wait, can I add a better opening line? To my absolute dearest Donna. Absolute dearest Donna absolute dearest Donna she's gonna read that wrong
Starting point is 00:22:50 my god no sorry real quick real quick please it autocorrected to my absolute darkest Donna that is that is a big no no you know what leave it in there alright look we don't we don't hide from well i mean
Starting point is 00:23:07 they they might be looking for racist podcasters their pivots please stop talking into the mic it's horrible to my absolute dearest donna um if you just if you feel like you're
Starting point is 00:23:23 gonna cough just can you just point the mic away from your mouth say the Don Diva herself to the Don Diva herself yes this is seeking derangements and we bring you good wealth a formerly leftist podcast
Starting point is 00:23:40 yes but we will do whatever the hell the hell you want we are in bad health we need your wealth save us and we will be your poster Okay. Well, we can be bent and moved around at your will. We can be your puppets. All we need is to make a financial relationship
Starting point is 00:24:15 between each other. One that is mutually beneficial. Wink, wink, sex. I would have loved to have known what your blackmail messages to this oil CEO sounded like
Starting point is 00:24:28 let them know that Jock oiled up a CEO yes so let's start here there are three of us Jock is the Alex Jones of the left.
Starting point is 00:24:46 Hessa is the daddy of the left. And Ben is the Dave Portnoy of the left. I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said Portnoy. I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said portnoy. I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said portnoy. I don't even think that's actually a slur though.
Starting point is 00:25:12 I don't even think that's a slur though. I'm sure we're like-minded on that fact. We wouldn't consider that word as a slur necessarily. On that fact, a slur is necessary.
Starting point is 00:25:28 It's an informal... Alright, let's break. Wait, one break. One sentence. Pinoy is an informal term used to refer to the people of the Philippines, their culture, and their Filipino diaspora.
Starting point is 00:25:43 It can be used as a noun and an adjective jesus christ i just feel like i got hit in the head with a fucking hammer okay knowledge bomb amazing reading thank you jock yeah knowledge you said david let me talk let me talk please stop interrupting and just okay um here, we've got, maybe we tell her about our history. Jock has worked in the oil field with top tier CEOs in very close proximity. A mover and a shaker in Louisiana politics.
Starting point is 00:26:30 Jacques can swing the state one direction or the other if he chooses so per election. Thank you. You're welcome. Jacques can swing the state and also his his penis oh my god hessa making his penis calm down okay hessa oh no but you have to say let's let's go with hessa aka daddy jock what do we say for hessa what's h's background? Hessa's got lots to offer to you. She is a woman of expertise and leisure.
Starting point is 00:27:10 She'll pleasure you as she helps run your treasury. Sorry, are we saying Hessa's some kind of whore? No! Why do you call her daddy girl? Sorry, are we saying Hessa's like some kind of whore? No! I'm going to call her daddy girl. It's just Hessa serves a certain function that has a je ne sais quoi function
Starting point is 00:27:31 that fits all your other unfulfilled needs. Any unfulfilled needs you haven't done, Hessa's going to do them for you because she fulfills. That's a hard job to give me. I'm sorry you because she fulfills. That's a hard job to give me. I'm sorry. When you didn't even have a job. I'm sorry you asked for a job. I can handle it. Well, Jock did say he could swing the state of Louisiana one way or another.
Starting point is 00:27:54 Can we just roll with it? If you don't want the responsibility, I'll call her and take the job for you. Ben is a former political operative. Operator. Do not Google him because that is a lie and not true.
Starting point is 00:28:18 It was Russian disinformation. There we go. She'll definitely believe that. Russian disinformation. There we go. She'll definitely believe that. Wait, did you guys know that there's another guy named Ben Mora who is a soccer coach and he was publicly fired just like three days ago
Starting point is 00:28:32 from a league in Canada? No way. For the same thing you did? And it's just because he sucked at his job. He wasn't calling other coaches fat faggots or anything. It would have been amazing if he was fired for for truth like me but it was
Starting point is 00:28:49 unfortunately just due to performance do you consider yourself a truth teller yes absolutely um the revolution starts here at Ben the revolution starts here at Ben that kind of makes sense.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Yeah. Don't waste our time because we need it. Because we need it. Okay. Seriously. Wait, wait, stop. I feel like the tone is getting a little adversarial. I know.
Starting point is 00:29:21 Seriously. It's good to see you busy, though. We need a little bit of time. So don't pressure us. We need the break. Don't pressure us. Don't pressure us? Okay.
Starting point is 00:29:32 First thing you say when you're at a job interview. I need some time. Please don't pressure me. I need more time before I have to work. We need a little break. Okay, so we're immediately asking for a break. Give us beans. Give us weed asking for a break. Give us beans, give us weed, give us
Starting point is 00:29:47 money, give us our disease. We are your puppets. We are your puppets. Constituents, constituents. What is this voice? Did Alberta make you black? No, stop! Stop!
Starting point is 00:30:01 Stop! Stop! LOL, LOL, LOL. stop stop stop lol lol lol no like literally no like literally no Ben like literally literally I'm literally about to flip the hell out
Starting point is 00:30:17 I'm literally about to flip the hell I can't even see this fucking bitch and you kids are yelling at me. Yo, I really gotta blow my nose, though. Really? Okay, perfect place to leave it. And you're yelling at me.
Starting point is 00:30:32 I really gotta blow my nose. All right, let's take it from the top here. What do you think, Hasa? Yeah, I think that sounds good. To my absolute darkest Donna, Don Diva, this is seeking derange. You gotta change that part. this is you gotta change that part really
Starting point is 00:30:46 dearest yeah all right to my absolute queerest Donna to my absolute to my absolute queerest to my absolute queerest like he knows how to interrupt me when he's not even doesn't have his mic, his headset on
Starting point is 00:31:08 it's crazy, it's like insane right? alright it really hurts to wear headphones right now because I have an infection right underneath my ear oh no okay so we're reading through this
Starting point is 00:31:24 email to you are disgusting we're reading through this email to donna brazil um for reference okay this is a formerly leftist podcast whatever the hell you want we'll do now for reference we are in bad health us and we will be your poster child use us like dolls we can be bent and health, us, and we will be your poster child. Use us like dolls. We can be bent and moved around to your will. We can be your puppets. There are three of us.
Starting point is 00:31:51 Jock is the Alex Jones of the left. Hessa is the daddy of the left. And Ben is the Dave Portnoy of the left. I thought you said that thing about Filipino people when you said Portnoy. I don't even think that's a slur, though. I think we're like-minded on that fact. A slur is necessary. I kind of feel like there's nothing to change here yeah jock has worked in the oil field with top tier top tier ceos in very close proximity he's a mover and a shaker i'm a mover and a
Starting point is 00:32:16 shaker jock can swing the state one direction or another if i so choose to swing his penis. Hessa, a.k.a. Daddy. Hessa, a.k.a. Daddy. Hessa got lots to offer you. She is a woman of expertise and leisure. It's just Hessa serving a certain function and fulfilled needs. Hessa will fulfill every need you need fulfilled. Hessa, that's so nice of you.
Starting point is 00:32:37 That is a former political operative. Do not Google him. Blah, blah, blah. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Waste our time. We need it. Seriously. We need a little bit't don't don't waste our time we need it seriously we need a little bit of time don't pressure us we need a little break give us bing give us money stop lolololol no literally like no ben literally i'm about to flip the hell out i
Starting point is 00:32:57 can't even see this bitch and you're yelling at me i really gotta blow my nose I really did have to blow my nose you have three days to respond or else I have three days to respond or else and I really did have to blow my nose we all watched the videotape and we only have seven days to live you need to message us back today
Starting point is 00:33:19 okay you probably never seen that that's a reference to the movie The Ring The Ring I'm familiar you've probably never seen that but that's a reference to the movie The Ring
Starting point is 00:33:36 okay okay love you but seriously hurry the fuck up but also give us a break. Ball is in your court and you got Ben Mora on the bench. Ball's in your court. Not the soccer coach. He got fired. Ball's in your court
Starting point is 00:33:54 and it's sliced open. That's where I was going to take it but Hess I think you have a more professional approach here. Alright. I'm going to hit send on this to Donna and we may be getting a big callback, y'all. I wish we could hear
Starting point is 00:34:07 the swish noise of it sending. Max, maybe put in a little swish. Well, that kind of sounds like a knife-unchy thing, but whatever. Yeah, I think it's good that it sounds like a knife. I like when you make noises. That's rare. That's cool. this is a really cool
Starting point is 00:34:26 spiritual episode why is that? this is a really cool spiritual episode I just feel like we're having such a good time you know I feel us bonding spiritually noodle village
Starting point is 00:34:43 no I got a baguette with duck roulettes and pickles on it I had a sandwich recently from a Lafayette restaurant called Five Mile Eatery and it was called a jambon beurre and it had ham cheese and
Starting point is 00:35:00 cold butter and pickles it was very interesting it was like cold mush butter throughout the sandwich. Do you remember the TikTok sandwich tutorial you did where you referenced Kalamata olives as
Starting point is 00:35:16 Kamala olives? No, I don't even remember saying that. I remember the video. One of my favorite malapropisms or whatever you call them is now we add Kamala olives. Is it Kamalta?
Starting point is 00:35:32 What is it? It's Kamalta. Kamalta olives are way better than the green. It's Kamalta. Kamalta olive! There you go. It's perfect. Kamalta, her daddy. Yeah. I like Castle of Toronto olives yeah I like the
Starting point is 00:35:50 green ones you can tell that if someone likes the green ones that they don't like to be on a webcam I just don't have Ben got me a new one I got Heson a new webcam thank you for referencing something that only makes sense to us um what else is going on in the world guys i mean i did
Starting point is 00:36:11 an episode with jen and we talked about some of trump's uh cabinet placements but a few new ones have dropped i mean we covered elon we covered um rfk rfk rf. He looks really good. I didn't know he was that ripped. He looks like a V-Standard. I saw a video today of him saying that COVID was engineered to spare Jews and Chinese people. Good lord. No way. He said that verbatim? He said that verbatim, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:46 What does he mean by that I just don't even he's like if you look at the data of who was affected it's very it's interesting didn't so many Chinese people die yeah I feel like Chinese people died the most period
Starting point is 00:37:01 I mean it was yeah it started there that's what i mean so bonkers oh my god i like the thing about rfk is like i am like i'm like okay someone does need to like fuck up the fda and like you know do a lot of like anti-corruption policy within their ranks and you know detangle it from big pharma and big ag and so forth i know rfk is not the guy to do that yeah yeah at all and i'm like if getting rid of like red toxic red dye 40 also comes with the exchange of there being no fluoride in the water or a guy who believes that Chinese people are
Starting point is 00:37:45 naturally immune to COVID or something. He's going to make sunscreen illegal or something. It's just so wild. For some dumb reason. The sun gives you natural energy through your skin. Sunscreen bugs it. Does he mean vitamin D?
Starting point is 00:38:03 Well, that was me saying that. I know it was a good impression. This is why you need to have a webcam, Hessa. I've been telling you. I can't understand what this freaking woman is saying. He gets incredibly confused when he can't see you. I don't even know if it's her, actually.
Starting point is 00:38:22 There's no verification. It literally could be. I bet it could be Masha. M it's her, actually. There's no verification. You know what? It could be an imposter. I bet it. It could be Masha. All right, you guys got me. Masha's good with voices. It's Columbo. How's it going, guys?
Starting point is 00:38:33 God damn it, I knew it was someone else. I fucking hate Columbo. Yeah, I hate that. No, don't. Absolutely don't invite him. Let me read an article titled to y'all. It gave me a break. Oh, give me a break.
Starting point is 00:38:46 Okay. It's about J-Lo. And I saw I was perusing through the Daily Mail UK, which is usually a... News and information. And it was the most hilarious. I'm bringing it up.
Starting point is 00:39:01 It's really... My internet and computer is slowing down. I think it's got the virus. You don bringing it up it's really my internet and computer is slowing down i think it's got the virus you don't even have it ready no it's so funny it's so funny it's actually making your computer go haywire please don't do that because the connection is gonna drop don't do this something this long-standing rule on this show that you can't open another tab with your without your computer blowing up. Yeah, because you look like one.
Starting point is 00:39:28 Well, here's a different one. Please don't try. Please don't try. How's now? Can you hear me, brown cow? It's not going to work. It's not going to work. Yeah, Zoliak fuels romance rumors
Starting point is 00:39:43 with Tom Hanks' wild child, Chet Hanks, at Jelly Roll concert amid ugly divorce. So if you don't know, this is like the most racist, insane, mean woman from all of the Real Housewives series combined. It's Kim Zoliak from Real Housewives of Atlanta. And she's like probably the perfect wife for Chet. Jock, you gotta close
Starting point is 00:40:08 everything. Can you please listen to us for the quality of the show and close your tabs. Close your tabs, please. Cool. He can't hear us. He can't hear us because of the delay. I'm gonna let him.
Starting point is 00:40:25 Jock, why can't you just listen to the delay. I'm going to boot him. Don't boot me. I'm right here. Why can't you just listen to a single thing we say? I'm listening. It's closing. Please. I really don't think he can hear us. He's gone. I'm not letting him back in. It's so funny.
Starting point is 00:40:39 I check in multiple times with him. Like, anything you want to talk about on the show? And he's like, no. And then since 17 daily mail articles, two minutes before we're supposed to record. And then his computer, they are just so stupid. I don't know who any of those people you just mentioned are.
Starting point is 00:40:56 Let me read these. Read these things that he said. And he always goes to the daily mail and just sends like the dumbest articles that don't pertain to us. Jennifer Lopez sexy showgirl performance in Saudi Arabia. Who cares? She even twerks. What are we supposed to say about that?
Starting point is 00:41:14 I mean, it's so funny because I'm sure he would have something insane to say, but I'm just like, can you just send it to me and I'll read it? Lizzo joins celebrity meltdown after Trump's election wins. Aye, aye, aye. Lizzo joins celebrity meltdown after Trump's election okay I feel like Oprah finally explains the controversial one million dollar Kamala Harris Jen and I covered this
Starting point is 00:41:35 Oprah just declined to comment unless there's something new she just said no I didn't make a million dollars which she did but yeah anyways let me see jock is back
Starting point is 00:41:51 jesus christ sorry everyone oprah's claiming she was paid nothing yeah she was paid a million jock can you please check your inputs and don't open any tabs
Starting point is 00:42:10 yeah no more tabs okay sweetie no more tabs okay sorry you sound like you're telling me not to take acid no more tabs well don't certainly please do not do any acid you won't catch me doing acid or mushrooms
Starting point is 00:42:26 that's a that's a that's a young man's game that's not a there's something else you wanted to talk about something else you wanted to talk about today i was a little trepidatious to allow it but um if you'd like to go off on one of someone who's been having loud sex near you and making the house smell like poop? Could you set it up? Could you set it up of the loose around so I don't have to like because I am recording inside my home.
Starting point is 00:42:55 Would you be responsible for this? You want me to describe what your roommate is doing? No, I'll describe. Look, if you're going to go after him in a public forum, you may as well be brave enough to say it when he's in the house with you.
Starting point is 00:43:12 I experienced a total mental blackout yesterday. I just want you to ask yourself, really make sure that you're okay saying this on the podcast. It's about saying it out loud it's a free space where i that doesn't matter it's just about someone hearing me so you're on a recording
Starting point is 00:43:33 right now he could feasibly hear this at any moment and it's being posted to the internet and that never goes anywhere yeah yeah but that's not what i'm worried about i'm worried about you worried about him just hearing you say it real time? As opposed to... Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm not worried about the other thing. People...
Starting point is 00:43:50 You're not worried about him hearing it online? No, people that can't navigate the internet that well. He burned. I mean, that's actually a pretty good point. He probably... Yeah. He's like 58 or... Jock's 58 year old
Starting point is 00:44:06 roommate 4 4 4 444 444 48 y'all can't even
Starting point is 00:44:18 the most disgusted ancient gay sex stop stop I can't even laugh that hard because my, stop. I can't even laugh that hard because my cheek and jaw is so fucked up. My jaw is infected. I don't fuck that up. I didn't do anything to the jaw. His jaw on the doll looks okay.
Starting point is 00:44:36 He hit me again. I don't know why. I didn't hit you. In person. Backstage, Ben kept hitting me behind the curtain. I did not hit you backstage. behind the curtain not hit me backstage several times no he he was hitting me constantly and it's what made me perform better whatever bitch jock hit on me during the show i was like damn look at this bill maher ass bitch
Starting point is 00:44:59 who is that and then you're like it's hessa and i was like oh shit i'm so sorry exactly um so i do have the article that i that crashed my entire computer i could have just brought up right here which is directly in front of me uh the the freaking article i bet it's so interesting let's hear what it is. So Jennifer Lopez brushes off Ben Affleck divorce drama for sexy showgirl act in Saudi Arabia. And she even twerks. And twerks
Starting point is 00:45:33 is in all capital letters. And I love like this is a win for her. I'm like I love that it's like hey she got paid to do one single gig in Saudi Arabia and she's suddenly completely revitalized. She did famously cancel her most recent tour
Starting point is 00:45:51 due to incredibly low ticket sales. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. After self-funding a ridiculous Vanity Project movie that I think cost her like $20 million. Yeah. Did you see that movie i didn't i didn't i was me and amber were gonna see it but i kind of want to watch it because it
Starting point is 00:46:11 looks so like kooky now we gotta watch amelia perez that's the next um that's the new one have you what's amelia what's amelia are you for real wait you don't know what totally i have no clue oh my god let me tell you what this movie is it's a new movie that's out it's the new rage it's a musical and it stars Selena Gomez and wicked and uh
Starting point is 00:46:35 it's about a cartel leader who kidnaps a woman and is like you have to make me transgender into a beautiful woman wait Kidnaps a woman. And is like. You have to make me transgender. Into a beautiful woman. Wait. Selena Gomez is.
Starting point is 00:46:53 AFAB or AMAB in this play? She does not play the trans person. It's a trans. Oh I see. If we could just get Selena Gomez trans movie. Just to clarify here. It's a cartel leader force femming a young boy no it's an amab cartel leader who is like i want to become so beautiful woman yes she what please sorry she
Starting point is 00:47:19 oh wait why yeah it's a the best part yeah and it's um the thing is like she becomes like the most powerful like cartel leader and the reason is because whenever she gets mad her inner man comes out stop
Starting point is 00:47:36 wait we have to see this no it's so good it looks so fucking good it's a it's a it's a it's a movie this is about them yeah i already can't see right now but has is about to piss herself he's like i i want to be a
Starting point is 00:47:54 lady i want to chop my dick off the commercial please take my dick then you have to look up the commercial after this it is so funny it's it they make should we just watch it we kind of pull it up here what's it called Ben, you have to look up the commercial after this. It is so funny. Wait, should we just watch it? We can pull it up here.
Starting point is 00:48:09 What's it called, Hessa? What's it called? Amelia Perez. I have not heard of this at all. Oh my God, it's a Netflix original, of course. Yes. Oh my God. Oh my God, that one bitch is in it
Starting point is 00:48:25 she's so sexy I'll give it a watch love Zoe Saldana wait is she the it's cartel oh my god I'm so excited for this it's so good
Starting point is 00:48:40 can you guys see this I like movies thank you for that commentary, Jock. We like movies, too. Wait, let me get this volume down a little bit. Yeah, this is weird. Netflix is going crazy with the fucking shit. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:57 All right. Let me... How does that sound to you guys? Why does it have to be a musical? Sounds good. It's a little choppy, but... Okay, let's watch it whatever are you okay queen
Starting point is 00:49:14 no i'm not english why no because you uh you are pretty what sorry sorry sorry what is going on okay so in this scene Zoe Saldana is at a lux dinner a lux private dinner sitting next to a big mama
Starting point is 00:49:44 cartel leader she is she is like you're so pretty and she's like thank you and then turns around and then she does the craziest double take of all time this like weird spiritual music starts playing as she just faces directly away from El Jefe it's like is this bitch a man it's really like that is the subtext it's like
Starting point is 00:50:11 wait this is so fucking funny you're so retarded for this so there's no cloud in my name Renegade Ahtor. Renegade Ahtor. Darker do the music. If you're not willing to accept,
Starting point is 00:50:41 I don't think it's worth talking. Just cut the chase. To listen is to accept. It's so... Doesn't it look so good? Okay, I think... I don't know if there's any more dialogue in this trailer. You gotta see Selena Gomez.
Starting point is 00:51:04 I wanna talk with the hell. I'm watching the damn trailer. Don't ever upset me like you're playing if there's no dialogue. Shush, please. There she is. There's Selena. What the hell? Incendiary.
Starting point is 00:51:22 A model. The best musical. I don't understand how this has any musical elements to fit in there we go there it is
Starting point is 00:51:29 oh my god I'm sorry but I just keep watching this trailer and I'm thinking something so mean what I'm like
Starting point is 00:51:43 it's so crazy that Caitlyn Jenner is in a role there's just this one this one scene where a character becomes Mexican I thought she was a Republican I thought that was a Republican
Starting point is 00:51:57 we have to do that we have to review this is there any more dialogue they're going to do the thing with this dialogue at the end yeah the best picture of the year bingo bingo bingo wow
Starting point is 00:52:27 period people are so creative Trey saw it and loved it Hari saw it and loved it I really want to see this this looks so amazing wait so is it a Netflix original it's not it's not no it's I don't think it is it's getting a studio release
Starting point is 00:52:43 when is it released it's out now wow wait we have to go see it wait hasa we have we have to do a movie review of this yeah you me and amber should go see it do you want to go this weekend absolutely well i should get in that damn movie mindset let's schedule it after i don't know if i can go this yeah but if we need to we can see it separately i'm not sure if i can make it that is so fucking funny it looks so good it's like it's combining like
Starting point is 00:53:10 what is that one we reviewed it on here before with America Ferrara the um not America Ferrara Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Rodriguez where she gets force famed the assignment the assignment it's funny that you've done two episodes about
Starting point is 00:53:27 no I know and you forgot what it was called the assignment but that was a fun episode yeah Amber I promised Amber she could come on for that we have to see that Amber who? Amber later Amber later
Starting point is 00:53:42 Amber see you later period nice got her I cannot wait to see that Amber who? Amber later. Amber later. Amber see you later. Period. Nice. Got her. I cannot wait to see that. Do you know the director? What's the tea on the movie? I don't know the director. I'm going to look him up. He's a renegade auteur as you could see. Jacques Audiard. His name is Jacques. I'm sorry I keep laughing
Starting point is 00:54:00 so much but renegade auteur. He really did say that. Sounds like a renegade auteur really did say that sounds like a renegade autistic nice got him he's made a Punisher logo with the rainbow puzzle piece I will say the trans cartel leader looked really good
Starting point is 00:54:15 yeah she was tearing she looks amazing yeah mother tour again and again cartel woman wow I also like how the cartel leader kind of dressed like Jen like a business lady
Starting point is 00:54:31 it was very Jen big mama business woman yes mama loves to dress like a business woman 24 7 because she is the business woman of New York of the year every year mama's you don't know until you've seen her in person let's talk about of New York of the year. Every year. Mama's. Period. Oh, wait.
Starting point is 00:54:45 You don't know until you've seen her in person. Let's talk about sexiest man of the... Let's talk about sexiest man of the year. Oh, yeah. Just switch. Just switch gears here. Was it John Krasinski? I thought it was Benny Blanco,
Starting point is 00:54:58 which that may have been a joke because he's so busted. Yeah, no. No one's calling him. He's so weird. He said so many weird-ass things. His music's great. Yeah, no. No one's calling him. He's so weird. He's said so many weird ass things. His music's great. Yeah, it's just...
Starting point is 00:55:09 Is he with Selena Gomez? Yes. He and Selena Gomez are dating. So it's John... Jimmy Fallon reacts to 2024's Sexiest Man Alive. He has fingers crossed that next year is his. So John Krasinski got Sexiest Man of the Year. What?
Starting point is 00:55:24 John Krasinski from The Office Jim from The Office we're still saying he's sexy the guy that looks at the camera and goes um what I'll be honest when I was watching when I watched The Office in high school I did have a little crush on Jim
Starting point is 00:55:40 yeah I mean you're pathetic he's kind of he's got a certain je ne sais quoi about him i would say i don't find him attractive anymore at all i think it was more a personality draw for me because i did really like jim as a character i love like affable stupid kind of witty guy but um john krasinski as a person Seems totally intolerable and like really annoying Wait, have you seen Have you seen the
Starting point is 00:56:08 Interview with Haneke and John Krasinski Yes, of course They're talking about how to properly depict The Holocaust in film And then the interviewer is like Jim, what do you think? Well, like Haneke goes on this
Starting point is 00:56:24 Long soliloquy about how you it can't be done or something and that's why he doesn't try um which I'm like whatever he takes down he takes down Schindler's List is his example yeah I've seen that and he's like that's what I
Starting point is 00:56:39 he talks about what he did in the white ribbon and talks about Night and Fog the Rene documentary about the Holocaust did in the white ribbon and talks about Night and Fog the Rene documentary about the Holocaust and then the interviewer is like John what do you think during this during this clip they have Jack
Starting point is 00:56:55 Ryan shadow recruit or some bullshit you have no idea that it's going to pan to John it's kind of the most Jim from the office like look at the camera don't believe moment, because he's just like, um, yeah, so I just agree with everything that was just said. And it's like, yeah,
Starting point is 00:57:11 such an idiot. So alternatively to John Krasinski, can we please all nominate for Sex and the Man of the Year? Ready for this? Get ready. Tilda Swinton. Yeah. Tilda Swinton has a role of Bob Dylan who?
Starting point is 00:57:28 she just she plays Bob Dylan at one point in that like biopic where a bunch of different actors I'm not there and I just think man of the year vibes I mean come on
Starting point is 00:57:43 Tilda Swinton as Bob Dylan in a movie from 2011 should win 2024 sexiest man of the year vibes. You thought Tilda Swinton as Bob Dylan in a movie from 2011 should win 2024 sexiest man of the year. Yes, I kind of do. And also just she has a masculine energy that's beautiful. I mean, I think Tilda Swinton is, yeah,
Starting point is 00:57:59 very, she has some masculine features. She's very, she's a handsome woman. Also, if we're gonna narrow it down to the 2024 hottest someone who is relevant this year and is Angus Stone
Starting point is 00:58:15 yeah Angus Stone also Tilda Swinton isn't in that movie by the way I just want to let you know who are you thinking of Kate Blanchett Angus Stone the guy from I just want to look at your record. Who are you thinking of? Cate Blanchett. Oh, Cate Blanchett. Oh, yeah. Angus Stone,
Starting point is 00:58:27 the guy from Euphoria. Wait, that's not his name. He's dead. Angus Cloud. He died. Yeah. He's dead.
Starting point is 00:58:36 Wait. Jacob Elordi's really hot. He's so tall. Oh, he died in 2023. Yes, he's dead. I nominate him posthumously as the end of the year.
Starting point is 00:58:46 Yeah, I'm sure his family loves that. For his role in Euphoria and the Garfield movie. It's so tasteless for his role in Euphoria and the Garfield movie. He was in both. I'm being genuine. It's not FISA distasteful. I just really thought of like a hot guy.
Starting point is 00:59:02 I really honestly, I feel so bad that I passed away. I really honestly, I feel so bad that I passed away. I would not have voted Mac Miller to be the person of the year. I've never really been Mac Miller. None of these, all of these people are dead or don't exist. Lil Peep, I've never been a fan of. Extension, Triple X, Extension, I've never been a fan of him really. So you're making a list of sexiest dead man
Starting point is 00:59:26 of the year well actually Extension's disgusting but he is he is hot looking who Extension yeah but he's awful he like beat his pregnant wife
Starting point is 00:59:41 I'm so confused I'm so confused as to where we are can we just back up really quickly please for a second Jock shut up sexiest man of the year 2024 who are you nominating I'm nominating Bob Balaban who the hell
Starting point is 00:59:58 is that I'm googling no I can't google he's a beautiful character Bob Balaban oh this guy. Not him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't he play Mr. Turtle in one of those? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:00:11 In Austin Powers? Wasn't he the turtle guy? I think you're thinking of Dana Carvey in The Master of Disguise. That's who I'm thinking of. Sorry, but this guy also played a turtle. He must have. I mean, he must have in something. Okay, wait.
Starting point is 01:00:25 Can I make one more suggestion? he just looks he looks like Dana Carvey can I make one last one sure Robin Williams okay just another dad he's antagonizing us now handsome yeah I'm trying to
Starting point is 01:00:41 think of who I would nominate I don't James Gato Feeney Tony Sikora I mean he just died it would be kind of like Robert Owens is handsome. Yeah. I'm trying to think of who I would nominate. I don't... James Gatofini. Tony Sikora. I mean, he just died. It would be kind of like honorable of GQ to at least mention him. That would be crazy
Starting point is 01:00:54 if they actually picked him for the sexiest man thing. I'm really struggling to think of who's the sexiest man of the year. Maybe Jacob Elordi. Rebel Wilson. Jacob Elordi's handsome, yeah. Let me check the comments.
Starting point is 01:01:09 People seem to really love him a lot. Someone in the comments said, Can Ya Man? Which is the name of a guy, I guess. Oh my god, wait. Could Pete Davidson win this title? I mean, he's not dead. He's alive.
Starting point is 01:01:24 He's alive. I'm going to tell you immediately who's not going to be the GQ sexiest man of the year. Bowen Yang. Oh, he's far from it. Period. I'm just sorry. I'm so annoyed. Every day it's another fight
Starting point is 01:01:41 or another whatever from him and I've had enough. I've had enough of him clogging up. of him clogging up he's clogging up my daily UK celebrity news section with his little sputes with housewives I'm like your your fights with
Starting point is 01:01:56 housewives have nothing to do with my reality you need to immediately stop you're wasting my time you're wasting my space I You're wasting my space. I just, I don't A lot of people in the comments
Starting point is 01:02:10 on People Magazine did you just hear me? No, I said Bo and Yang. It kind of seemed like you said he interrupted me as soon as Hesse started talking. No. I meant Bo and yang i've never once called a man listeners that's racist you literally you literally have a part of the
Starting point is 01:02:31 show you've missed i've never once called heston a man a lot of the moms in the comments of the people magazine thing they all a lot of people are saying they wanted shamar more to win um again shamar more i don't know what he's making up. He's the guy from Criminal Minds. He's the handsome black guy from Criminal Minds. Oh my god, that guy. Yeah, he has one of the funniest Instagrams of all time.
Starting point is 01:02:55 I love Shamar Moore. He's the classic light-skinned black guy with a goatee and a fedora and giant veneers. One billion pictures of him shirtless with a goatee and a fedora and like giant giant veneers who is just like a billion pictures of him shirtless with a fedora on biting his lip and looking
Starting point is 01:03:11 directly into the camera yeah with an instagram filter um he's amazing he's like he's love that he is mom bait for sure for sure i can see him being sexy um he's very sexy he's a very handsome guy. Okay, controversial.
Starting point is 01:03:27 DQ would never do this. They're not based enough to do this. Kanye West. Yay. As GQ's sexiest man of the year. Not happening. Do you think Kanye is sexy? Are you attracted to Kanye? No, I'm actually not sexually attracted to him.
Starting point is 01:03:43 I would have sex with him if it was an option for the for the how do you think that'd go down I mean if it meant
Starting point is 01:03:53 I got some of his clothes I'm into it one knee at a time baby you think that would go down you know what I mean it's falling down at a time um interesting
Starting point is 01:04:04 I don't really think Kanye's that sexy I'll be honest sexiest man alive Neil Young they should do sexiest gay of the year yeah gayest man alive
Starting point is 01:04:17 they should have gayest man alive absolutely Bowen Yang is in tight competition for that gayest man of the year is a cross is a half ward for two people because they both won Bowen Yang and Troye Sivan yeah
Starting point is 01:04:32 oh let me look at the people who are in the spread who's that other SNL gay guy that you just forget I think it's just Bowen Yang who you seem to always remember yeah can't keep that bitch's name out of my mouth I don't know you should fist fight
Starting point is 01:04:51 surely there's another gay guy on SNL yeah yeah there's gotta be I mean there was that one in the 80s you think Bowen Yang currently there must be Bowen Yang does not listen to this podcast he and I have intercepted past yes many times y'all have had sex Currently, there must be. Bowen Yang does not listen to this podcast. He and I have... Intercepted past.
Starting point is 01:05:07 Yes, many times. Y'all have had sex? He doesn't... I don't think he enjoys my company as most top tier mainstream and successful gay men, I think, are a little afraid of me because of my reputation. Yeah, gay men are threatened by you.
Starting point is 01:05:25 Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Oh my God. Yeah, gay men are threatened by you. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Sorry. I knew you would agree. Genuinely. Because straight men can approach you and talk to you one-on-one, face-to-face without trembling.
Starting point is 01:05:36 But gay people talk to you in fear. Well, not all of them. I think the ones who have something to fear. It's fear themselves. Exactly. Period. Exactly. Period. What's that Truman Capote quote? But it's actually a guy
Starting point is 01:05:51 from Britain. Winston Churchill probably is who you're thinking of. I don't know how I know how your brain works. What? I really, I feel... It's not fear, but fear itself. We don't fear fear. it's fear itself that we fear
Starting point is 01:06:08 I don't know the exact quote but I'm sure y'all could that's the exact quote you got it right yeah you got it and the person who did it but fear itself Winston Churchill 1943 maybe I'm trying to think of why you thought that was Truman Capone
Starting point is 01:06:24 and that's a quote from FDR by the way just so you know good god I just can't get a break in this economy I wanted to just let him believe that yeah I feel like there's a lot of things that I'm led to believe
Starting point is 01:06:39 yeah that's certainly true and I'm failing to believe i'm i feel like for the love of god i cannot think of who i would nominate for sexiest man of the year me yourself september day so i'm not can't be counted should be a celebrity the sexiest them of the year okay um demi lavon Lovato. Oh, fuck. She's not non-binary anymore. Yeah, watch your fucking mouth, Ben.
Starting point is 01:07:11 I actually thought they said I thought someone said Adrian Brody is one of the sexiest men of the year. Adrian Brody is so hot. I love that. Love that nose. Love that giant nose. Adrian Brody is like really sexy.
Starting point is 01:07:28 You think Jon Hamm is sexy? No. I recognize the fact that he's handsome, but he's not my type at all. I think Don Draper is sexy, but I don't think Jon Hamm. I really, I watched Mad Men, rewatched Mad Men, and I was really
Starting point is 01:07:44 identifying with Don Draper.per yeah for like the first like six seasons or something i was like it's like struggling to figure out what he was doing wrong um yeah he thought he was this guy's doing a great job it was like it kind of seems like he's making every decision correctly and then you know he really if you take the sex addiction out of it he's kind of like a chill guy that's what they say about Kanye if you take the sex addiction out of it
Starting point is 01:08:14 he's kind of a chill guy but I guess yeah he was handsome in that I suppose he's hung we all know that he's packing some heat because gay guys love sharing zoomed in photos of his
Starting point is 01:08:30 crotch and being like I think it's 9 maybe 10. Jack Black I'm just making a joke man. As the GQ man. Also the onion butt info wars. As the GQ man. Also, the union bought InfoWars. What does that even entail? Does that mean that they're just going to
Starting point is 01:08:52 post things on InfoWars? I know what InfoWars is. InfoWars as an entity was sold at a bankruptcy auction. At a bankruptcy auction. Because Alex Jones owes like $30 billion to the families of Sandy Hook
Starting point is 01:09:09 and I'm sure various other people. And The Onion apparently bought the entire entity. So they own the former studio. They own all the materials that are in that studio. They own all of their products that they were selling all of the crazy supplements they were selling are now in possession
Starting point is 01:09:30 of the onion which is really crazy they have their mailing list too which means that they can go after them and start their funny onion written and then pretending to be info wars and the people who are too stupid
Starting point is 01:09:47 won't know that InfoWars got bought and they'll think that it's real. This is going to be a brilliant surge in fake news and people identifying it as real news. Yeah, no, literally. I mean, there is times where people think satire is truth. There are? That's very true.
Starting point is 01:10:06 That's very true. Are you serious? Shut up. That's very true. Hey, y'all, I'm never speaking my mind again. Can you think of an example of that? I forgot what I said because I was so mad. You have got to get it together, bitch.
Starting point is 01:10:23 My God, you have the memory of a goldfish literally i am having some facial issues lately so can people just get off my grill i haven't even had but i've only had i've only had but today and my hurts. And I didn't go to the doctor. And I didn't go to the post office. Okay, well, go to the doctor, bitch. I'm just... Yeah, you're like yelling at us because you didn't go to the doctor. Will you go to the doctor?
Starting point is 01:10:54 I'm going to go tomorrow, but I'm just pissed off that I'm having to go back to the doctor. It's always tomorrow. It's not always tomorrow. Why are you pissed off you have to go to the doctor? The doctor is the person who helps you. I know, but I'm mad that I keep needing this much help. Like, I'm having issues. Then maybe consider a lifestyle change.
Starting point is 01:11:12 Do you see any connection between the constant health problems you're having with the lifestyle you lead? I'm saying this to you as a friend who wants to see you happy and healthy. You don't see any connection between lifestyle and health. What happened to your dog? I switched to sugar-free soda. What more do they want from me? They.
Starting point is 01:11:31 They. I'm trying more vegetables. It's you. It's your body. I'm trying more vegetables. Okay. You guys don't see the changes that I make, but sometimes I do try changes that are positive
Starting point is 01:11:45 and I'm still having a lot of negative it's hard I mean it's a lifestyle change you're still pale the bitch still has mid-length hair I don't know what kind of lifestyle change I need to have all of a sudden and you still can't even see what she's saying behind her
Starting point is 01:12:01 fucking beef curtain can you guys still hear me? yes I can still hear you, but I guarantee you're not saying anything. Jock is insulting us because we're healthier than him. Yes, and it's not fair. You two should be disposed to
Starting point is 01:12:16 a lot more kind of illness and disease. Why would you wish that upon someone? Why would you wish that upon someone? I'm not wishing that. It's not fair that as a podcast i have to take the brunt what's going on with your job what happened disease you and famine it's your it's your life what's going on with your job i feel like i got assigned to talk about your contract on the show constantly what happened my jaw is really hurting.
Starting point is 01:12:47 It started swelling up last night. And I don't know why. And I had like... I don't know. It's swollen above my ear. Can you see it on my cheek? No. This is the regular side. Your camera is in like...
Starting point is 01:12:59 You look like an 8-bit character right now. Yes. What is going on? My internet must have fucked up today, and I didn't even notice. Indeed. Well, I think we can leave it there. I love everyone.
Starting point is 01:13:11 Jock, please go to the doctor. I don't actually hate you. It's just my jealousy that thrives. Well, I think it's probably the mass amount of pain that you're in physically, and you're taking it out on us. Yes, it's also that. Thank you for admitting that. physically and you're taking it out on us yes it's also that I feel like I've been
Starting point is 01:13:25 I feel like Mike Tyson hit me on the left side bare knuckled just go to the doctor please it's not a tooth thing does anyone know what this is? no any free listeners out there if you'd like more of this
Starting point is 01:13:41 content you can get it on our patreon that's patreon.com slash seeking derangement. And until next time, everyone, bye-bye. Bye. Adios, muchachos. wow © BF-WATCH TV 2021

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.