Seeking Derangements - SD 362 - Hesse's Podcast Boot Camp

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Today we have something different for you all: in preparation for her eventual death from being hit by two trains at once in 2076, Hesse has decided to start training a suitable successor! Who better to train than four random strangers and a couple of friends who responded to one of her tweets?! No one! These potential recruits answered her call to complete a set of podcasting challenges in a no-holds-barred, winner-take-all match never before seen in the industry. Will these brave souls survive the hellish gauntlet set upon them by Major Hesse? Many are called, but one shall be chosen. Also Charles from E1 calls in from his buddy's wedding to let us know how that's going.

attention so look at this fresh meat we got a bunch of fucking maggots here a bunch of maggots and a bunch of faggots that think they have what it takes to replace me on Seeking Derangements. As you know, I missed the last episode recording. I missed the episode with Ben and Jen because I had to edit

an episode of Movie Mindset. So now I'm getting fired. And guess what? I'm getting fired. Mr. Penis Latina! Mr. Penis Latina! You have to put headphones on! You have to put headphones on!

It's already, we are already so off the rails. Oh my god. Is this bad? You gotta put headphones on, sweetie. Oh, I am. I have these on. Is this bad? You gotta put headphones on, sweetie. Oh, I am. What is going on?

I bought this mic at the gas station. Oh my god. Mr. Penis Latina. Let's see if there's... Hold on. I'm gonna shut up until I can fix it. Oh my god. Oh, there's a volume button. How's that? Let's check it.

Mr. Penis Latina, you're gonna have to come on next time. We're gonna figure this out. What if I do that? It's too late. Really? I'm sorry. Oh no! No!

We have our first dropout, cadets. Kiss me, my boy. But we'll never meet again. Look at what happens. And look at what happens. And I'm here with my lieutenant, Casey. Thank you for joining, Casey.

Of course. Yeah. Casey doesn't even have a fucking mic. My doesn't even have a fucking mic. My lieutenant doesn't have a good mic. That's the kind of shit we're dealing with here on the podcasting scene. And you guys think that you can improve

this podcasting scene. So let me do a rundown. We have Emmy here. Emmy? Hello. Okay. Okay. Interesting. Do you need an introduction? Do you want an introduction?

What do you want from me? Adriana! You are also here? Yep. Thank you. And Camille. Yes. Hello.

Okay. All right. I think I already know who is the favored one. Who's the favorite? Do already know who uh is the favorite is the favored one who's the favorite you know who it is it's me i might not even get fired because i'm so good at podcasting because i'm gonna prove my mettle here today by testing you all so let's go through everything that's going on. Emi, you said in your reply to my tweet saying, can anyone come on Seeking Derangements in one hour? You replied, I have a bunch of good stories. So I would like you right now to tell a story and it better be fucking good.

Okay, I got a great story story so my ex-girlfriend cis woman um obviously me trans woman um your ex-girlfriend is obviously you and and you are a cis woman no you are already fucking up i said you're already being confusing okay go ahead start over. Me equals trans woman. Okay. X equals cis woman. I like this. Mathematical.

Now, there's a third person in this equation. Childhood best friend. Oh, no. What's the childhood best friend's real name? Full name and address. John Smith. Okay. Address 123

Johnny Lane. 123 Johnny Lane. I know exactly where that is. It's on the corner of Okay, you don't have to try. Okay, so me and this girl, we break up like

a year and a half ago. Pause. Adriana, me and this girl we break up like a year and a half ago pause Adriana make fun of Emi brutally brutally breaking up okay well the humiliation ritual

starts here a year and a half ago and you're still talking about her period I feel like I feel like a god oh my god i love how the volume escalated so much struck a bit of a nerve i'm sorry i'm sorry it's okay this is what we're doing emmy go go on sorry for interrupting so it doesn't end great uh she breaks up with me okay hang on you're telling

this story doesn't end great no the relationship the relationship okay okay okay period and me me transitioning obviously like it doesn't doesn't do great for the relationship because she's a straight woman and we for some reason decided to stay together for like almost a year after i started being a girl terrible decision on my part to like let her continue doing that yeah um led to a lot of like sort of resentment and such point as we break up this is getting very this is not no it's about to get like really funny trust me it gets really like strange and funny casey what do you think um i like how you led into that like terrible decision on my part because i thought you were gonna say like being a girl was a terrible decision but i see where you're going maybe we'll find out uh

see how that goes out okay okay i mean you gotta you gotta pull you gotta pick this back up yeah i'm so sorry it's okay point is year passes um so a lot of things happen in between uh she kind of like ruins my whole like friend group or like pause for one second pause you saw a lot of things happen what kind of things uh you said did you see it uh any no i didn't see well i did see many things but did you see the jersey devil in person no did you see slenderman i saw the flatwoods monster though okay now you're you're learning yeah i'm learning okay camele what do you think so i feel like i need something crazy you know no no what do you know about the kicker hang on we gotta start throwing things like

camele do you know about the flatwoods monster do you know what it is yes i do and i do believe it um i am a believer amazing okay love that it's honestly okay i love that adriana do you believe in the flatwoods monster i have no idea who this character is okay okay google the flatwoods monster right now. Okay. You're going to freak out. Casey, do you know the Flatwoods monster? I'm currently Googling. I feel like I'm going to freak out. You know, tonight on SNL they're going to have the Flatwoods monster.

Musical guest! The Flatwoods monster! And your host a four foot long cigarette on a stool honestly that's like the perfect biography for charlie xx like a period okay i mean you were you were divulging your pain to us yeah so like i pretty much lose like all my friends pain to us yeah so like i pretty much lose like all my friends because like this girl like says things like that aren't true about me to them okay like that you're the flatwoods monster basically it was literally stuff like that um it was literally stuff like that literally stuff like okay your friends sucked your friends sucked if they stopped being your friend

because they heard that you're the flatwoods monster they literally didn't bring up like these allegations of flatwoods monstering okay you can't say allegations when i'm sorry this is a fun come on emmy when does this story get funny it's about to get funny okay fast forward about a year i've pretty much moved on entirely one day i'm like i wonder what she's up to i look okay so you haven't moved on this well no it was just like yeah you moved back on you moved on and then you moved back it wasn't like a oh i'm gonna dm or i'm gonna try and get back no i don't like, oh, I'm going to DM her. I'm going to try and get back. No, I don't like this person. It was like, what's going on? I'm curious. Okay, okay.

And then I see she's dating my childhood best friend. And this is a funny, you think this is a funny story? This is sad. Emmy. The funniest thing that's happened to Emmy all year. It is. But that's not even the end of it. A week ago.

Okay, I don't know if I trust you to tell the rest of this story. I feel like this guy comes up to me on campus and starts talking to me about how I'm the Flatwoods Monster. Okay, period. And he's, like, threatening me. And I'm, like, literally taking action right now with the school as, like, I'm being discriminated against for being the Flatwoods Monster. Mm-hmm.

Okay, period. And that's how... That's where the story is right now you replied to me you said i can't remember what you said hang on i gotta open up my tweet listeners for for context i tweeted who wants to be on Seeking Derangements? I have to record an episode tonight. You need a laptop and a good microphone. And I tweeted that like an hour ago. So

let's see. Adriana. Oh, Umru is around. Maybe we can get Umru on. Adriana, let me find you oh my god

this was i could probably just pull it up on my end yeah what is your name on twitter i don't know that's a point against you that you didn't just tell me that's one point against you you're the one that couldn't okay you know what it's uh it's at yapping broad uh and i said moi and then uh okay do you speak french in a propeller hat that's a question okay so you lied about speaking french by saying moi i didn't tell the whole truth um it was implied i admit that okay but no beautiful beautiful but you did send a gif i'm looking for i can't find it for some reason why are you still i see it i see it okay because i wanted to see the dog it sounds cute it is cute uh camille yes you what is your uh twitter so my twitter is future hag okay um and i'm here to talk about i'm i'm actually here

to okay yes this is really interesting i was excited to have you on specifically because you replied hang on you replied to my tweet with uh i have things to say about the aliens in the ocean that are not real yeah yes i do okay um take us there firstly i'm gonna start this off if any of you work in government i will give you my kidney at any specified time if you can find me a picture of these aliens in the ocean okay Okay. You have to explain. Okay. I think they're called. No,

I'm just, listen, that's just the line. I'm just throwing it out there that my kidney is on auction. Okay. For the coveted information. Um, the second thing is,

okay, go ahead. Now I have a problem with the fact that we are being told that these aliens are coming out of the ocean that's my first you are like this is like chapter 25 of the craziest book of all time what yes are you talking about okay i will start we are being told about these aliens in the ocean i have never been told about this i've never heard anything about these aliens yes there was a hearing and i can i don't know how to drop links i'm whatever um there was a hearing this week in like congress where they're talking this guy like comes in front

of congress and he's like okay so aliens are real i can't show it to you though because it's like kind of classified or whatever and they're in the ocean and then the congress members are like okay but like what do you mean that they're in the ocean what do you think they meant by that casey? Huh? Yeah. Again, I feel like you jumped into this. We all know this. We've all heard of this. This is all news to me. Well, now I feel like the context, it's being contextualized for me.

I feel like I'm right there. I've known about this. You have to start with Congress because that's how it started for me. I'm eating my cereal. Is that how it started? You were in Congress or you just heard about you were a big follower of congress no i'm just right like i'm a patriot at heart and that's okay okay you know and i was just on c-span you know doing my thing emmy do you ever watch c-span they don't have it where i am they don't have c-span okay i mean you're catching you're catching up

you're down a few points but i like that um camille go ahead sorry this guy he's like in front of congress and lauren bober you know the like the handjob in the theater lady like you guys you guys know that lady okay yeah but who's this guy i'm curious about this guy so this describe him is he hot describe him like you're describing like it's an ad for a male escort oh i can add for a male escort i would say he was a miami four okay that's really that's who is gonna who's gonna answer that ad who is going to hire this miami for it's miami like you're there for the experience not for hot people you're there for the experience so hey why not yeah that's exactly that's very convincing. So this guy is,

he's the founder of a public news service and his name's Mr. Schellenberger. I feel like that should put him down to Miami three actually. Cause that name sucks. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Decematism.

I'm sorry. There's a video of a white orb coming out of the ocean he's talking about this in congress so i'm eating my cereal and i'm like okay hang on hang on yes i'm this is i'm so glad this is one of the best stories i've ever heard because there's so much to like there's a lot there yeah adriana what do you what cereal do you think is is we're experiencing here the whole time i've been imagining like cheerios but not the honey nut kind just like the plain flat cheerios nice whole milk i think i'm just projecting at this point and see adriana that hurts because it was Fruity Pebbles. Oh, okay.

Those aren't even good. Those aren't even good. What is wrong with your life? You were imagining Cookie Crisp at me. I was imagining Cookie Crisp. In like this Aliens in the Ocean thing. I'm tempted to shut this story down right now

because of the Fruity Pebbles, honestly. You're tempted to shut it down because of Fruity the fruity pebbles honestly you're tempted to shut it down because of fruity pebbles listen we have to get to the bottom of this fruity pebbles like we need to know yes we have to get to the marianas trench exactly the american people deserve to know um so there's half there's a there's supposedly a video of this 13 minute high definition color video of an orb and it's 20 miles off of kuwait and it's filmed from a helicopter and it's fucking rising from the ocean and then apparently this one congresswoman i could like says she's like sitting okay hang on hang on this is an opportunity here yeah see when you're podcasting you can make things up and right here you have an opportunity to make up something really

uh like stupid and funny that this congresswoman could say after seeing this orb casey can you give us an example of something like this like a stupid funny thing to say i'll give i'll give an example well casey's thinking of one since i'm the most experienced and uh i'm the most elite of the podcasters here um so i would say that this woman says something like, uh, whoa, I'm about to fuck, I'm about to freak out because of how horny I am for this, this crazy orb. Yeah. That's like something funny. Well, Casey, what do do you what would you say i don't know how i'm gonna top that honestly okay okay that's good um let's go let's go around the

horn uh emmy what would you say um you know the scene in twin peaks to return with the orb uh-huh i think the lady would be like oh my god this is the orb from twin peaks to return and then okay she'd go on letterbox and she'd log it the orb she's logging the orb and log it that's really good i like that i like that it's conceptual yeah adriana what do you think i think she'd say wow i can't for Seeking Derangements to talk about this. Yeah, I think that's true. I don't know. That makes me feel like our podcast is mainstream.

It's liked by Congress people. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that one. Camille, it's your turn. it's your time to shine it's your story okay you've seen this you're the only one who's seen this woman and her real reaction yeah and she did say come at me bro which i feel like it's even stupider than anything else because someone like told her she would be on a list but she's in congress so and she was talking to the orb she didn't it was like the train coming

entering the station kind of yeah she thought it was real life she did think i i really have to wonder like if there was like an edible that was taken prior to like this hearing and so did you take an edible when you were watching this and it was just a budget sheet of like numbers on the board and you were like look at this fucking orb why are they talking about this it's coming from the ocean no one's talking about how it's coming from the ocean yeah and i i think that's a very possible thing that happened to me because i can't believe my eyes certainly they're talking about this orb and they're saying like some person in the defense department is asked if the objects can be

controlled via a mind-body connection and i'm wondering like what does that mean you know like you know those tentacles what is the mind-body connection that we're having here which objects the orbs the orbs so they're okay are they objects i thought they were more like like spectral like no they're supposed to be objects but like what is the mind body connection look like like am i am i like okay willing it with my mind do i have to like seduce it i want i want you i want you to form a mind body connection right now with yeah with casey okay casey yeah hi hi um that was incredible you did it it's done oh my god you're like one person now it's incredible um that's that's amazing you did it yeah um is there anything to this story like is there anything to this um yeah i just feel like this story about aliens in the ocean is meant to distract from the real problems of aliens um you know the real

aliens in our in our country and in our country that's what that lady could have said you know that's the and that's the real story here yeah america emmy how are you feeling? I'm worried because are the aliens dangerous? Should I stock up on weaponry? I think you have to make a mind-body connection and then they're good. What state do you live in, Emi? What is your address, your legal home address and phone number?

It's a state of confusion right now, but usually it's Maryland. Beautiful. Baltimore. so it's a state of confusion right now but usually it's Maryland beautiful Baltimore what if I said your real address right now I'm sure you could find it somewhere like the Patreon

I don't know on the Patreon it doesn't say what the addresses are are you all Patreon subscribers to the podcast of course not yet oh my god I think that gets me a few points

yeah that gets you a lot of points chameleon adriana I'm disappointed in both of you if someone will donate however much money to this queer poc so I can educate myself on the seeking derangements podcast then i will become a paid patreon subscriber but until then until then what

how about this you just said queer poc and it made me think of if tupac was queer and instead of all eyes on me okay are you ready for this i don't know if i am okay he it was called all eyes on peen nice all guys on me all guys that's even better casey that's why you're that's why you're my lieutenant you know what i mean Casey that's why you're my lieutenant you know what I mean that's exactly what I'm talking about learning on the job and Casey do you have

any questions for these for these recruits Camille were you aware that the orb was quote joined by another orb that briefly comes into the frame? There were two orbs, actually.

Yes, but I felt like that detail was inappropriate. Just because I feel like it's already a lot to handle that there's one orb. It's interesting that the one orb that you... Okay, hang on. Adriana. at the one orb that you okay hang on what is your ringtone listen i was you caught me right in the middle of a workout and i had we caught you we've been recording for 24 minutes no i mean like whenever the tweet went out and i was like oh fuck i need to go back to my apartment we interrupted your workout yeah oh my god that's actually are you gonna apologize or yeah i'm actually you know what no because i'm about to work you out i'm about to work everyone out oh lord everyone get

on the get on the floor and everyone needs to do five ten push-ups right now. Okay. This is the nation RFK wants. Yeah, this is like the start of the leftist fish tank right now. Are you being for real? I'm doing it. Yeah. I don't know if my microphone's gonna continue picking up because I'm going on the floor, but...

Yeah, just leave the microphone on the table. Just do whatever. Okay, Casey, are you doing it it i'm not gonna do it i'm gonna be real yeah yeah i just did it and we're opting out i'm opting out words i'm opting out i'm in a position of power i don't know i said i said a hundred a hundred in a position of power okay let's talk about this ringtone that you have. What is your ringtone? It's a beautiful wind chime.

Okay, okay. It's peaceful. Interesting. It wasn't very peaceful. It sounded very loud. Well, not in these circumstances. And very scary. So when is it peaceful?

Can you describe a peaceful circumstance for this wind time when the wind is blowing outside and your phone rings like whenever i'm like waking up it's better than the normal apple like like the one that screams at you basically yeah the classic scream do you guys know what accounting for taste i i um i used to have an Android and my ringtone on my Android was, have any of you ever seen the movie Phantom Thread? Yeah. Of course. There's a part

in Phantom Thread where Daniel Day-Lewis describes his lunch order and my ringtone was just Daniel Day-Lewis like poached rabbit. An egg. Two eggs. Not too runny. Four pieces of wheat toast.

A soft boiled egg. Another egg. Four quail eggs very runny one egg cracked into a mug and microwaved 45 minutes not too runny and that's his real order i quoted it verbatim that's his real order. I quoted it verbatim. That's the real order he makes in that movie. See, that was...

You guys didn't laugh at that at all. You guys didn't laugh at that at all. I did laugh, but I just felt like you should finish the monologue. It just felt important to me. That was the whole monologue. Yeah. I...

See, the listeners at home are losing their mind they're losing their fucking minds right now laughing and that you wouldn't you wouldn't like laugh during a shakespearean soliloquy would you like you'd let the actor perform it depends on which soliloquy it depends on the sad ones. Okay, yeah. If it was one of the sad ones, you were so right. That's so true. I think him having that many eggs does require a moment of thinking. Because it's like, wow. It must be rough on the body.

It's one egg. He's describing the same egg over and over. And that's tragic. That's the tragedy of it truly casey what do you think i just remember seeing that movie when he talked about eating poached rabbit i was like this guy does deserve to die he does deserve to die. That's awesome. That's fucking gross. He does almost get killed a few times in the movie by his wife, his beautiful wife.

That was when she started plotting it. Yes, yes. Exactly. Now here's an exercise I'm going to do. I'm going to go on them.us. Do you know that website, everyone? No. I have never heard of this in my life. Okay, this is them.

This is a queer news source. Okay? And on the podcast, when you're a podcaster, sometimes you have to

comment on the news okay um so i'm gonna tell you a news story and you're gonna have to make a joke about it okay i i hear someone typing and i hear someone clicking you're not sorry that was me no i didn't i wasn't pulling up stories okay emmy i was setting up something for later okay okay okay here's your here's your news story these candidates ran on anti-trans hate this is how they fared okay and then i'm scrolling down. There's a section. I'm not kidding. There's a subheading that says anti-trans wins.

Okay. So listen to this. I'm going to say something and you have to make a joke about it. You have to make it so funny. Okay. Trump backed businessman Bernie Moreno, who deployed his own ads accusing the incumbent senator sherrod brown of allowing transgender biological men to compete in girls sports will become ohio's first latinx senator

okay what do you go ahead well i'm happy to hate the game does anyone have anyone have a really funny i'm happy to accept the election results because i got a win out of it what what is your win you don't get to compete in girls sports what is your win I don't think you listen I get to be the new senator you're Bernie Moreno

yeah I'm gonna be the first Latinx in whatever that's your dad name is Bernie Moreno yeah okay uh Adriana weird pronoun jokester Tim sheehy also wait hang on a second i am not kidding i'm not kidding that is really that is really his name i'm actually genuinely not kidding and weird

pronoun jokester is hyperlinked let me open this really quickly okay adriana this is actually your thing from pronoun jokes to weird animal metaphors the rnc was full of harmful and cringy anti-lgbtq rhetoric okay are you lgbtq adriana yeah okay what which one if i'm being honest it's a little complicated i like girls and only guys when i can talk so period hey hit me up later given the republican party has staked its entire future on criminalizing the existence of trans people the speaker's steady stream of transphobia was a grim but unsurprising reminder of what a second trump would mean for lgbtq rights go ahead and can you make that can you make that funny i'm trying to think of something what

does what does this character look like this character i'm so glad you asked that see that's like a right kind of question do you know what mr bean looks like yeah okay miss it's like mr bean but he has like hair that hair that's six feet long. It's down to his six feet long. It's down to his mid-torso. I feel like this all screams of identity crisis.

Not to go back to the classic line of, oh, anti-gay politician. They're probably secretly gay but uh-huh you think this mr bean yeah it's in the name this guy you didn't clock there's a there's a twist in what i said and it's that um his hair is six feet long and it only goes to his mid torso which means he's 12 feet tall i'm really surprised you didn't go for that dang it as kind of like uh as a joke that's a great thing to joke about if someone is that tall this is a great lesson actually if someone is that tall you gotta joke about it you know what i mean

if someone's 12 if something this is like this is this is like one of the worst podcast episodes and it's none of your faults it's none of your having fun i am having such a fucking blast okay casey yes i want you to show everyone how it's done, okay? I'm putting so much pressure on you. For no reason. Well, because I know you're funny, but I... That's why I'm putting pressure on you. Because I know you and I know you're funny. Okay.

Okay. But you're actually... Bowen Yang gets a drag makeover from Jansport. Okay. Okay. In this episode of Drag Me, writer and comedian Bowen Yang gets his first real deal drag makeover

from the ever-talented Jansport. Like the backpack? I guess. See, Casey, you're a lesbian. Yes. So, of course, Jan Sport. I really, no, I'm not kidding. I fully thought it was the backpack as well.

But I guess this is a drag queen. Best known for her iconic appearance on season 12 of RuPaul's Drag Race. And the two discuss their careers. Did they talk? All right, you maggots! Drop it, give me 20! Oh my God.

Drop it, give me 20! Hang on. Turn down your mic. Turn down your mic. It's way too loud mic it's way too loud it's way too loud sorry about that give me 20 is that better do you want video evidence

I'll do it turn it way down turn it way down turn it way down let's go let's go guys how about now is this better guys guys

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19 20 I'm bad at counting but I'm good at being a drill sergeant Good job recruit Thank you Good job recruit Adriana Are those your workout clothes? It looked like you were

wearing a button-down shirt. It looked like you were dressed like a schoolgirl or boy from an anime. I'm going to mute you in five seconds, Ty. No, I put on real clothes. Okay, Ty, do you want to show everyone? Do you want to demonstrate

how to do a joke about a news story? Oh, yeah. What's the news story? Okay. What's the news story? No, you're not the drill sergeant anymore. Wait, Casey. Can you make a joke

about Bowen Yang getting a drag makeover from Jansport? I've got the backpack thing and that's all I can think of, unfortunately. I am putting you on the spot I have one Bowen Yang gets a drag makeover from Jansport they gave him a buzz cut

Doc Martens a strap on yeah Ty what do you got Bo and Yang gets a makeover a drag makeover from Jansport what are they gonna do make him not Asian this is why I was worried about you coming on

this is exactly so I can be the drill sergeant again if you want the drill sergeant is so much worse the drill sergeant again if you want no you get i don't think the drill is so much worse the drill sergeant is so much worse i'm sorry guys i didn't i didn't mean to be so loud the drill sergeant looks like a beautiful butch woman that is chuck jack yeah wait let's let's describe millions must train camilla can you describe the drill sergeant for the listeners this is a test yeah um kind of like if kai you grew up to be like kind of sociopathic

like even more so he's got like that kai you shaped head even more so what does that mean you're saying kai you is a sociopath i am saying kai is a sociopath yeah okay do you have any evidence for that the signs were there yeah is this see this is like ty you weren't here this is my friend ty everyone by the way oh hi how's everyone doing i thought everyone's full disclosure i thought i would be going with the like drill sergeant theme like way harder but I kind of dropped it a long time ago

Ty I'm so sorry I was just told to hop in at like 3.30 to 3.40 as the drill sergeant I didn't know what the context was going to be so I'm sorry for being so loud on everyone's precious little ears I'll just turn it down. I'll just turn it down. Emmy, are you okay?

Can you hear? Huh? Did I blow out anyone's eardrums? I'm sorry. I think Emmy's deaf. Something about the drill sergeant I think we need to say. The drawing of the drill sergeant. He's dressed like the Crocodile Dundee. Okay, hang on.

This is something to unpack here. The Crocodile Dundee. Okay, hang on. This is something to unpack here. The Crocodile Dundee. Do you think that Crocodile Dundee is like the Pope, kind of, in that it's a title? Well, it's a guy. It's a generation to generation. Yeah.

Okay, Emmy. What was the context for the drill sergeant? I'm very curious now having not been here the context i was i said i'm gonna get fired from seeking derangements and i'm trying i'm trying to see who has what it takes to become the uh it would you know what i should have said right there i should have said there was no context that would have been funnier for me just thought i my assumption was i thought you were trying to make an unlistenable episode I should have said there was no context. Yeah, you should have said that. That would have been funnier for me. My assumption was I thought you were trying to make an unlistenable episode

of audio material. So I thought my job was to yell really loud and antagonize people. Okay, Ty. Yeah. Chapel Rhone has split with her management. Can you make a funny joke about that? Chapel Rhone has split with her management. That's make a funny joke about that? Chapel Rona split

with her management. That's going to be the next two weeks of her Instagram stories. That's just like you're mad at her. That's not funny at all. That's fucking suck. Chapel Rona split with her management company.

It looks like she's going to corner them at a red carpet. Ty, let me tell you how it's done, okay? How's it done? management company. Looks like she's going to corner them at a red carpet. Ty. Let me tell you how it's done, okay? Yeah, how's it done? Chapel Roan has split with her management. And once they split, her and her management started scissoring

because they split their legs. And she's lesbian. Is that how it's done? That is exactly. This is missing something. We need someone to get really mad about Chapel Roan's lesbian. Is that how it's done? That is exactly. This is missing something. We need someone to get really mad about Chapel Rowan's existence. Well, Ty just did. I already did.

You're done. Camille. Can I try Bo and Yang again, though? Hang on. It's Camille's turn. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Camille, go. Ready? Charles! How are you Oh hey what's up Charles Guys this is my friend Charles

I'm coming live from Phil's wedding My friend Phil Congrats Phil Happy wedding Happy wedding to Phil Camille do you know about this drag makeover that Bowen Yang was having Yeah Charles show everyone how it's done I'm trying to teach everyone how to

make a joke about a news story. Here, can you make a joke about this news story? Laverne Cox shared her post- election thoughts, fears, and hopes on trans life under Trump. That's easy. That's a softball.

That's so much easier than the other ones. Well, it's it's a that's a that's a softball that's so much easier than the other one well it's difficult since i don't know who that is god damn it charles i was i was hoping the show was already a disaster when i got it don't worry can i can i um give you some drama some tea yes tell me tell us some tea okay so when we were in la last week for e1 um you know the first thing we smelled in la was burnt popcorn and we're we're like i love la but all the popcorn all the damn popcorn here is burnt all the time hang on hang on what do you mean the first thing you smelled like

All the damn popcorn here is burnt all the time. Hang on, hang on. What do you mean the first thing you smelled? We smelled burnt popcorn the first thing. What do you mean first? You got off of the plane? How'd you get there? Well, okay, it was after that.

It was once we were walking down the street going to get food. You were walking down the street in LA? Yeah. See, I have bad habits. I don't know how to pretend to be an LA guy because I'm used to being in walkable cities. Yeah, so how were you dressed when you were walking down the street if you don't know how to be an LA guy LA guy. Cause I'm used to being in walkable city. Yeah. So how were you dressed when you were walking down the street? If you don't know how to be an LA guy. I was probably wearing a t-shirt.

Okay. That's kind of LA. I was hoping you would say a winter coat or something. Oh yeah. That would be good. Yeah. Okay. So here's the drama is that now that we're back home and everything,

Andrew's like, you know what? We didn't know how good we had it I miss the smell of burnt popcorn I love it and Branson's saying no burnt popcorn is bad and it's tearing us apart this is the worst podcast episode

of all time I think it's the best this is the best this is the best lore I can give you it's unbelievable I got an lore I can give you this is unbelievable I got an article I can read to fix things hang on Charles what do you think about the burned popcorn

though I want to know what Charles thinks I'm slotting into my role as Ray Lee Smiles the HR director of E1 yeah I'm nostalgic for it too and I think that Branson's being kind of shitty to pretend like he didn't like it that's just la baby they just burned their popcorn there that's just la baby

la culture that is such a good camille it is you i want to hear what you think about burned popcorn do you like it um it reminds me of that time my grandfather had a stroke you know okay hang on hang on it's the time wait hang on yeah what do you it reminds you of the time camille in your in your uh twitter it says you live in the netherlands is that true yeah i'm american but i live here okay we're okay do you like it um yeah except for during christmas when they put all the blackface dolls up yeah that's rough yeah that's pretty bad they said they actually still do that they do actually still do that like i'm you guys can't see me right now but i am black so it's always like really funny when I make eye contact with somebody who who's

like putting it up like I made eye contact with somebody putting it in the store window so would you say that that's their equivalent of the smell of burnt popcorn is to LA yeah like the smell of burnt people sorry Camilla can I ask a follow-up yeah type uh when you see the people like when these racist people who live in the netherlands who we hate um when they put those up and they see you do they ever like try to be like what like point to it and they're like try to like get your heart this is this like you like yeah you probably like this don't you no no the funniest i cannot believe what is this okay go ahead put it up and then i look at them like i try to do like my best like sad face like you know like the puppy dog eyes i try to do that yeah and they'll be like but no

it's not like you like you don't oh they do the opposite yeah like they try to like and they do a happy face they're're like, no. Yeah, they put their cheeks up in a smile motion. It's like, hey, smile, sweetheart. But for Rachel. Can I take the Laverne Cox news story? No, I'm absolutely afraid for you to take it now.

I don't want you to take it. It's going to be good, actually. It's not going to be offensive. Laverne Cox talks about her post-election fears for trans life. I got a fear for trans life. If she makes anything as bad as that Rocky Horror Picture Show live again.

Yeah. What? She did a Rocky Horror Picture Show live? Yeah, it was pretty bad. It was really bad. It was really bad. That was a good singer adriana how do you feel about coming home from your workout ending your workout early your improvement of yourself to come here to this how do you feel i. He'll survive. I'm so glad. Life keeps marching on.

Life marches on. Yeah. I'm probably going to get shipped out to one of RFK's self-improvement camps soon anyways, so I'll have plenty of time to work out there. I would love, honestly, no, I don't think I would. I was about to say I would love going to an

RFK self-improvement camp, but I don't think I would. Honestly. This has probably been covered before I showed up, but I want to ask all the random people on the show right now, do you listen to this show? Because I hope none of you listen to this show and you just decided to be on here randomly. Yeah, two of them did. I actually, I was actually

just fuming about the aliens in the ocean and I just responded because I follow Claire on Twitter. Camilla, can you please tell Charles from the beginning, can you tell Charles about the aliens in the ocean? Yes, I can tell Charles everything about this thing because it really does boil

my blood. Okay, and you have a chance to use that joke that we did earlier. Um, Charles, listen to me. I'm sure that the audience will appreciate hearing things a second time. Wait, do you guys know who Charles is? No. No no no one does sorry that's fine charles is my buddy what's up charles what's up charles can you can you say that person's name that just said what's up to you i don't know i'd have to look at my phone

and i don't feel like it yeah i don't feel like moving it away from my ear right now okay camille camille tell tell charles charles we do have um i think what is the biggest government sign up of our time going on right now um which is that they're trying to convince us that there are aliens in the ocean and there was a congress hearing about this and there are orbs okay three specifically that the number goes up every single time you tell this story listen you have to go with it okay they're discovering new ones every hour okay oh my god yeah three are they so wait okay the aliens are in the ocean do they come from the ocean because then they're not aliens that's what i'm saying oh my god this is what you're made this is what you're angry about it's calling them aliens yes because it's not actually just regular fish and that's what i said earlier creatures yeah yeah these are just

sea creatures they're probably just dolphins wait emmy can you tell charles the story about that you told at the beginning yeah i've got i've got a story come dump in my slut come alone come in groups don't matter just fill him with cum he will be face down ass up parentheses mostly parentheses blindfolded if you like tying up your sex object rope will be available fuck his whole so hard he starts to cry and then continue the goal is for you to get off and for him to get filled that is his only purpose details 8 cruisers attending

including the host Tuesday at 8pm until we finish Adriana what do you think about that? can we drone strike private Emmy? I think if anything we need to well adriana and adriana and camilla you might not be familiar with that but a thing that i that we do on the podcast sometimes we go on sniffies which is like grinder but worse and we read yeah yeah and emmy was doing uh doing that just now but i've never heard such a strange this is a party where you have to bring your own you have to bring your own bottom

byob byob i think it's one bottom yeah it's a pump and down yeah it would be so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna title this episode byob and'm not going to say that they're... I'm going to be so vague in the description. I'm going to be like the gang talks about... Can I ask a question to Camille? I'm going to get out of here since I'm at this wedding and I'm probably being shamed. You were literally at a wedding and you were not kidding also.

For the listeners. No, it's for real. I hope that the background is taking... It is making this episode even harder to listen to we can hear everything and we are barely going to edit this I'm telling you right now thank you Charles if I'm so mean to sound as bad as possible yeah of course always happy to stop by

have fun everyone later so Camille can I ask you a question you can yeah I you a question? You can. I have a very dumb friend. Charles is still here. This is not left yet. Hi, Charles. I have one very

dumb friend in particular who was talking about this alien stuff that was going on. I don't know if we're calling them fish or not. They are fish. I feel like we need to. Hang on. Do you think they pass i don't think they pass uh no but i think that no one wants to tell them because they don't want to hurt their feelings wait yeah the fish or the person the fish it's the joke yeah the joke is

that fish is a trans term meaning that you pass really well okay so i have a very dumb friend who was talking about this subject. And I think he was under the impression that part of the hearings were about they found people with alien DNA. Is that was that any part of it? Or was he just making that up? I mean, alien DNA. You can find that from like, I think they're called dreamers. That's Casey. What do you think? Hang on. Wait a second. Okay. I think they're called dreamers that's casey what do you think hang on wait a second okay i'm so sorry i think they're just mexican people right and we yeah

exactly yeah casey i don't think that's i don't think you can say they're aliens hi i this is why i was so i'm kidding i was so nervous i'm on the side of of immigrants in this country I actually am on the side of immigrants I'm so sorry to everyone I am Casey what do you think I'm on the side of like these are just

fish like I don't know why we're circling back to this they are just fish Adriana what do you think I'm honestly so confused by the thread of conversation going on and I think we might have to end this I think we have

to shut this down the experiment has failed the experiment has that is up to the listeners it's time to it's time to choose the winner okay it's time to choose the winner um camille i think you i think you've pulled through with all of your alien stories i think you are the chosen one. You are going to replace me on Seeking Derangements. So

get ready. Yes, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Everyone's clapping for me for announcing you as the winner. Just so everyone at home knows. I do have to make a statement though. I am on the side of immigrants on the coast. Okay, never mind.

Never mind. Yeah like i felt bad because i was like i hope people don't think i hate immigrants but yeah i don't hate immigrants adriana do you where do you fall okay listen my dad is a nigerian immigrant and every day i wish my mom had called ice on him the second he started cheating it's really a mixed bag because you know i love i love the immigrant community i have great respect for them but please someone deport my father is it like specifically we start like an agency for your dad but like your situation specifically we call the adriana dad agency no it's okay this story is very specific but he's done enough he's done enough to this to this country quite frankly to the whole country oh my god country in various credit lending institutions we we're not great with the stereotype in this case Adriana what you're saying is that

you want to make him Nigeria's problem you want to inflict him on Nigeria yes inflict him on Nigeria again please I feel his sisterhood with you you know what let's send him somewhere let's send him to Israel yeah they love

they love Nigerian guys I will say I feel a sisterhood with you because my dad's haitian and that's like almost as bad oh my god i found a sister today yeah i respect your your struggle thank you amazing everyone thank you thank you all for coming on. I'm so glad you all came on. For real. Listeners, thank you for listening. Everyone who's on right now, stay on for a second after I stop recording

so that your thing can upload. It takes a second. It'll let you know when it's uploaded. Thank you, everyone. I hope you like this episode. Bye. Sorry for yelling so much. Bye. Thank you. Thank you.