Seeking Derangements - SD 378 - Oh Vicky, You'll Be So Proud

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Ben here, today Jacques tells Hesse and I about his ongoing medical issues and yes, it's extremely graphic. Then we write and send Jacques' resume to Woah Vicky, investigate Ramona Singer allegedly selling her twitter account to a Black Rock CEO, and end the episode by reading an article about how the Cool Kids are celebrating Trumps reelection. Get weekly bonus episodes here: Patreon.com/seekingderangements

Get the road, ladies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Seeking Derangements. It's Ben. Jock and Hessa are here with me as usual Before we get started, this is a free episode So if you'd like to hear weekly bonus episodes Or our entire back catalogue of almost 400 episodes You can find that on patreon.com slash seeking derangement And before we talk about everything that's on the docket today, Jock, you have, I mean, you're always open about your health predicaments, curiously so.

People have been worried about you because you've been posting a lot of disturbing notes app screenshots. I can tell that I lose a lot of followers uh when i start posting in the notes apps uh about my health updates but like i'm sorry i have to let y'all know i didn't see it i said yeah can i okay i'll just read this here can i read some of them wait yeah ben can you read can you do a dramatic reading them from his yeah yeah i'll do a dramatic reading then. Yeah, I'll do a dramatic reading. So there was one here. Read them in order. My mom woke up and is going to drive me to the hospital. Pray they fix this.

236 likes? And that's it? That's the only thing you said. It says 230. How many likes does it say on yours? It has 263 likes, Jock. Oh, see, why does mine say 134 likes instagram and then the next one says this health problem has been scaring me so much i'm so scared

of hospitals but so ready to be fixed i am really scared right now i like how you started you started the first post by saying my mom is waking up. Well, okay, can I say that? Can I say that? She was woken up by an ancient spell. She's been asleep for 12 years. Can I give a little context before you read the final one? A prophecy was fulfilled and my mom

woke up. There was a text that I deleted. There was a message I deleted. She sat up like a mummy in bed. There was a text that deleted there was a message i deleted this set up like a mummy in bed there was a text there was a text that i i i there was a a text post i posted that said hey no one in my family is answering can someone please go to the hospital with me uh because i was scared so you deleted you deleted that just to make it more confusing for anyone who might go back and try to figure out. No. In my eyes, it was less confusing. So the next one here says, out of hospital, going to rest.

They told me I wasn't supposed to use a fork like that. It's not supposed to go in there. It does not say anything about a fork. Whoa. What did you do? How did you use a fork? I did not. They said they've never seen a fork so far upside someone's anus before.

Jock. Oh, my God. I just want to show you. And they got the fork out, and now I'm eating it. I'm eating it, food with it, and it's so yummy, y'all. I'm eating poop with it. Thank you to anyone supporting me and checking in. I'll give y'all an update later.

Yummy, yum, yum. What's that? What'd you do with the fork? That's not true. And I'm going to show, before I even explain my experience, I'm going to show y'all a picture of what drove me to the hospital. No, I don't want to see it. No, you, no, no, no, no.

I can't open the app because i have to have the it's okay but i need i need i know hessa's audio might sound strange to everyone out there she is recording from a secret location we don't even know where she is right now um she can't i'm in a secret location hessa is recording directly from the tip of a douche mic. Anus to douche. What does that mean? It's a microphone. What's a douche mic? It's a microphone that's on the tip of a douche.

That makes sense. What? Sure. You don't speak through your anus? Well, how would a douche work if there was a microphone on the tip? Well, look, anyway, I... It seems like they'd get a lot of water. You don't have the chance it would block the nozzle you're not gonna have the chance to say no i feel like there'd be a lot of echo because there's oh

that's how bad that's how bad it was last night do you understand how your screen frozen i only saw like a little so so the context of the story is that I went two days ago to an urgent care that I don't normally go to, that my mom goes to that's nice. Let's try a new urgent care today. Because the one

that I go to normally wasn't... The one I go to in and out... The one I go to normally was and famously, the one I go to normally was closed. Okay, y'all? I feel like going to a fine. Listen, it was Sunday, and the one that I usually go to was closed. So I remember maybe it was Saturday.

I think it was Sunday. But I went to this other one and they half asked doing a like lancing job on a wound on my face. And when they did that, they shoved the needle down my wound and just pressed the infection down deeper. That's horrifying. down deeper that's horrifying okay so the next day i had to sit around and try to uh sit i had to sit in a in the shower for two and a half hours on high heat well and taking breaks to use a paper towel to drain my wound which was the most disgusting disturbing thing I've ever had to do to myself. And I thought – Did it feel good like popping a pimple? Did it feel like popping a pimple? No.

There was black and green shit coming out of my face. All right. Wait, wait, wait. But then – Yummy. But then – So I thought it just – I really truly thought –

I was like, okay, there's no way it's going to get worse. I'm panicked, but I can wait until the next day to go to the doctor or whatever so i think you should wait so i in the middle of the night i decided to change my bandages and when i took my bandage off my wound had gotten so much worse and to keep in mind this it has not been bleeding it was not bleeding all of a sudden i took it off and there was so much blood coming out that it was dripping and i was very scared and it's coming out of my neck and it's close and you texted us you texted us i'm gonna go to the hospital tomorrow tonight or tomorrow i mean it's just overall extremely disturbing behavior and i know this is not your fault jock i have so much sympathy for you and

i'm praying that yeah i'm glad you went to the hospital they has it was the one person to convince me to go to the hospital out of many i was also telling you to go well you were also telling but but hessa said something that really like seriously helped and it really like i was so i was sobbing scared my mom was not going she was like jock i'm not taking you to the hospital she ignored about eight or nine phone calls in the middle of the episode just by the way just well she didn't do it on purpose but she was just like she said them and she finally woke up and she wasn't gonna take me to the hospital and she hung up on me and i was on the phone with her and i said mom look at this i sent her one picture and she

literally screamed on the phone she said i'm on the way yeah i mean you should have just gone anyways we are happy that you are getting the treatment you need and i would like for everyone out there listening if we could just hold a quick prayer circle for jock um and then we can just a few stats i'm almost done with this little hospital and medical story. I have been on three different new antibiotics this week. You're going to, the super bug that's antibiotic resistant that's going to kill everyone on Earth. Yeah, it's too.

It's being brewed right now. I have been to the doctor 18 times. Jock's body is kind of what you would call the roux for AIDS too. That is coconut milk. It's a roux. These antibiotics are the mirepoix. Those three antibiotics are the mirepoix.

Okay, okay. So the best first of all, they went in last night, cleaned my wound they had did an ultrasound of my face i was like no one's come to my mouth and i'm not pregnant girl but they said oh sorry ma'am your baby looks retarded i'm like that's me i'm like look through the belly oh oh sorry sorry we thought your bald head

was a pregnant woman so thank god has a baby has a beard and thanks i convinced you thank god has to convince me the infection had gone was going so deep that it was about an inch away from connecting to my major artery. That is horrifying. That would have been bad. And the blood coming out of it suddenly in the middle of the night is a sign of blood poisoning in this kind of situation. So I was just like, I, and not only that, it was throbbing pain it felt like i had a 200 lead weight in the side of my head and if i tried to adjust 200 lead one of the happiest weights you can have pound

you just oh my god can they why can't they just let you stay in the hospital? Why can't they cure me? But the doctor was pretty nice. So actually, shout out to the Lord's Hospital, L-O-U-R-D apostrophe S in Lafayette, Louisiana. They did pretty good. And okay, this is the funny part. So finally, I got there. Madonna's daughter works there. I got there at like four in the morning.

I left around seven. I got there at like four in the morning. I left around seven and there was this me, my mom, and an elderly man who looked very disheveled, probably 70 or 80. Really rough face. He looked just rough. On the way out. He doesn't look shoveled in any way y'all this man he was not one of these shovel types of men you see he was completely disheveled listen listen listen listen listen on the way out my mom

stopped him and looked at him and said sir do you need anything can i help you and he he looked his eyes kind of get crazy he's like they won't give me my painkillers yet can you ask him to give me my painkillers my mom was like um i'm sorry i really and she didn't even help him she didn't even help well she's and he like, can you help me? Wait, oh, also right before he asked for the painkiller, she did this. Oh, ow. Oh. And we were like, are you? And you were like, stop copying me, copycat.

But literally, my mom goes, I'm sick of these copycats. You were going louder. My mom goes, are you? It was like dueling banjos. My mom goes, are you? It was like dueling banjos. Well, look, he started doing that. And then he's saying how he wanted pain pills.

And I could see the. And then he said, no, no, no, boo, boo to me. I could see the waiting room nurse doing like, like putting her hands being like, no. To kill him? Like, don like no to kill him like don't and jock by the way for the people at home jock is wearing prescription oven mitts now it's not allowed to touch anything and i heard i heard the nurse saying the mortal combat voice finish him and so i did pull out a gun i messed up the button combo i messed up the button combo so i just punched him the night i punched a homeless man for copying me

copying me all the time not in front of my mom my mom was my mama was took him home instead of me a homeless man was copying me my mama left the hospital and she was so disappointed i'm very happy you went to the hospital and let this be a lesson to go to the hospital when you're feeling that bad and not let your fear of hospitals oh by the way take control throbbing pain you already said that bad and not let your fear of hospitals oh by the way take control throbbing pain you already said that that's not by the way you said that you did say that yeah by the way it really hurt y'all and i was scared

jock we love you i'm so happy that you are healthy and safe and you look and seem a lot better than you have um recently um but i think you know who's not doing great michelle obama michelle i'm just kidding can we can we can i have all the seekers out there before i move on i would just like to take maybe 30 seconds here of complete and total silence in which we all direct healing energy towards one MX Gonsolin and

30 seconds of total silence on a podcast. It's an immersive experience. It's time for our listeners to really get in. And I think this is something that could cure Jock. Okay, that's true. It's worth a try to prayer so i will jock would you like to call for it yeah let's all close our eyes close your eyes and start to begin to just be silent close them ben i'm monitoring this healing session if you close it and so you. I can see past your webcam list. Okay, ready?

Okay. One. Close your damn eyes, you fucking... Keep them closed. I don't want this half-open... Do not talk to Hessa like that. That's so mean. My eyes are closed. One, two, three. Ah!

No, don't scream! Okay, well... Jack's gonna die now. Jack going to die now, bitch. Jack's going to die now. I tried to use something nice for you. I tried to heal you with some transcendental meditation type shit, and you screamed, so whatever. That's going to be a pox on your house, mister. Anyways.

Yo, I got pox. I got smallpox. I got pox on my house. Hey, y'all, I got smallpox again. Yo, I got big pox. They got big pox on my house hey y'all i got small pox again y'all i got big pox they got big pox on me i don't they said they don't even know how it happened they don't even call it pox anymore they just they just call it pa because it's not plural y'all y'all i went to the crossfish one big one on my body y'all i went to the crossfish but the uh the crossfish'all, I went to the crawfish butt. The crawfish. Y'all, I went to the crawfish.

Can you stop? Yeah. Yes. Y'all, I went to the crawfish hut and ordered one big bucket of crawfish. And they gave me a big box of pox. It was awful. Well, I'd like just to acknowledge for the record. Can we please have this placed on the record

that you said you went to the crawfish butt first? I just want to put, I can't let that go by. The crawfish butt? The crawfish butt. I mean, that is the name. Our stenographer will be noting that. Yes, our stenographer. I would star in a pornography that was crawfish themed.

Bernadette's here taking notes she's she's not to be heard or seen y'all that would burn i told her if i if i heard see or smell her she will be fired yes you'll be thrown out i forgot what she smells like a hollister imagine no one knows why but she smells like crawfish i think I threw her off of a truck last time. Bernadette? Yeah, Bernadette. Are you okay? But anyways, Hessa was talking about Michelle Obama

being someone who also needs her thoughts, prayers, and help right now because her and Barack Obama have just announced that they're getting divorced. What? If the Times of India is to be believed, her and Barack Obama have just announced that they're getting divorced. It's a sad day. If the Times of India is to be believed, then it's official.

Times of India usually gets a lot of celebrity news before it breaks here because they're really good at paparazzi stuff and stalking people and popping phones and asking for pictures of boobs and stuff they usually it's it's because of the laws in India there are a lot different in India it's legal to just publish something that isn't true yeah they did Michelle Michelle and Barack Obama are getting a divorce Well I mean

I kind of feel like It makes sense I mean this is going to shatter The world Of everyone in America Getting choked up even thinking about it I did my research by googling The keywords

Michelle Obama Michelle Michelle Googling the keywords, Michelle Obama. Michelle? Michelle. Michelle. Michelle is a good dish. And so the first article is Barack Obama is ready to move on. Michelle putting herself first, claim report. That's Times of India.

Now, wait, listen. Now, wait, now wait listen now listen second article did rfk google away from you on the on the show just shut your little pie trap put a corn in it you've been the one talking put a corn did rfk jr or michelle obama say it about food take our quiz the washington post and then the third article. No, the Obamas are not divorcing, but MAGA world infected the culture with an absurd blah blah. I don't care.

So, your divorce is fake. And Obama is, he's been hanging out with Jennifer Aniston. He's cheating on her with Jennifer Aniston. That's true. I've heard so many rumors, and I think that that is so so true are you serious i'm dead serious she's actually one of the biggest stars of the tv show friends so obama probably

really has had some time to watch the show friends and become in love with her she's also could you picture obama watching friends oh my god. I would kill myself. Friends is a terrible show. It's one of the worst shows. It's so annoying. Well, you two are classless and don't enjoy New York culture. We both literally live in New York City, bitch. Well, you don't enjoy New York culture

because you don't enjoy Friends. That's true. I feel like we don't enjoy New York culture very much. I love New York culture i love new york culture i love new york culture you never take me to the empire state building or the statue of liberty when yeah that's new york culture is going to the statue of liberty it's going to the top of 30 rock it's going to the statue of liberty how many times have we been to a deli together well i don't like going to delis with you

because you're a freak in them you enter combat mode you enter fight or flight i just when you enter a deli i think if y'all respected me are not delis there are not delis in my neighborhood first of all there are very few delis in chinatown little italy but i did just get one that opened up right down the block for me and I am rejoicing because it's the first time that I've had a proper deli within like a five block radius of my apartment and I haven't been in there yet but I you can tell from the outside it has you know hot top sandwiches yeah I just find that so hard to believe you're like yo they finally got cheesecake in my neighborhood isn't that crazy well no ben lives in a weird area that's the only thing yeah ben lives in a weird place it's just

cheesecake it's cheesecake cannoli and disgusting bullshit and pictures of sangria that's been watered down lives in a place of town where piss falls out of windows straight out of the sky that's not true period um but i mean i guess that's kind of all of manhattan really let's save a few names yeah that's um that's so third world what bitch you live in louisiana no one no one is pouring that's you looking out of the windows yeah yes they are bitch they're pouring it into wounds on their bodies yeah yeah by the way whoever keeps pissing and piss being peeing and poopooing in my words at night your thought your doctor thought that your head was a pregnant woman's stomach and that's why they gave your

face an ultrasound and you want to see oh i'm gonna show you how to make my grit my nanny's poop stew get Get ready. First, you gotta poop in a bucket. You could not believe this. That's something people don't actually know. Roo? Everyone thinks that that's a mixture of oil, butter, and flour. No. It's actually poo, and because the Cajun accent is so strong,

it sounds like roo, but they're actually saying poo. And that's the base. Exactly. And that's the base. That's the, exactly. And that's the base of most of their food. I'm picturing, I'm losing my mind picturing, you know, those like videos of the big Cajun like boils where they get that big metal spatula with the holes in it. I wouldn't know.

And they like push around the shrimps. The slotted. Looking good over there yeah that looks good now time yeah exactly yeah and um i'm just picturing that but with a bunch of pieces of poo it's like it's higher here the colored water that's disgusting i love when i love when ben legitimately gets disgusted by one of our jokes. I do not like pee-pee-poo-poo talk. I find it to be very gross.

Personally. Well, I'm sorry. I won't send you the video of the famous poo stew. Speaking of, can I give one more update? I promise this is so it's worth it of course y'all just have just keep to yourselves for just one second because i have something to show you that's gonna scare me please i can't look at the camera because i have to keep the app open that i'm recording into that's fine i'll describe it to you. Okay, describe it to me. He's wearing an inmate's uniform today.

He's literally in a bright orange jumpsuit. Okay. He's picking up a bedpan. That was the only hospital they have in that area. It's in the jail. Bedpan in his hand. I really hope there's nothing in it. Y'all know what this is? I do know what that is.

I'm done with the pee-pee-poo-poo talk. It's gross. It's beneath us as a show. Well, it's okay because I have to now give a stool sample and I have to probably... They don't give you a lid? Oh. They're supposed to carry it in their loo? No, no, no.

This is what you... New York is a third world. They give you bowls for stool samples. No, no, no. You put it in tiny vials. Why do you do what? Who's putting it in the vial? I have to.

You're going to with your hands. They give you gloves. Oh, my God. What the hell? Are you serious? Why is this the crate? it's a stool sample why is you having to chop up your poop into a bunch of little i'm not chopping it up i'm pooping above this i'm squeezing it i'm squeezing it it's a little glass bottle do you think i'm excited about this do you

think that this is something that i want it seems like you're really excited yeah you're you're just don't touch your wound when you're done all the times all the times that i said i was late because i had diarrhea guess what i actually have a diarrhea disease from the antibiotics so you're literally bragging about it you are proud of this i'm not proud of it have a diarrhea disease and y'all i feel vindicated for my pain that was disbelieved. Well, you do. You come late because you're pooping for years. Have you been on antibiotics for years? No, I've been on antibiotics for three months, first of all.

I don't know what kind of— That's so long to be on antibiotics. Yes, it is a long time. Are you sure you want all of this to be recorded? What's the negative here? That people know what's going on with me?

Putting out your intimate medical history might not be something you want to do. So let's move on. It's not like I'm like, I've got super AIDS. Or do you want to keep talking about you need to touch your poop? I'm not going to touch my poop. You poop into the

lid with the gloves. Is that something you want to keep talking about? I'm just, people have to do this. Is that something you want to keep talking about? The doctor made me. So yes, it is. Okay, what else? What do you think you're going to poop out? What are you going to eat before you poop?

That's taking it too far. You know what it will smell like, Jock? Then that is taking it way too far. How is that too far? Ben, come on, Ben. I'm serious. Come on. Grow up. Grow up. I was just trying to tell you three outs to stop talking about your poop, and you

didn't. You took it too far. We're talking about your poop now. You took it way too far, Ben. You took it way too far. I was just saying that I had to give a stool sample, and it made me uncomfortable. You had to bring it graphic. Do you want to tell us what it will smell like? Not good.

Let's move on. Okay. I mean, that's a given. It's not like the dog. Okay, what will it look like? Can you intimately describe what it will look like, texture size oh wait wait wait wait i just this is the last thing i'm i swear to god i'm gonna drop it after this no it's a poop episode now let's be talking about it the lab scientists are opening up the sample and they go my god that doesn't smell half bad it's a dinosaur like in jurassic park

the egg hatchets it's just one solid this isn't poop at all this is a giant egg one of those world war ii gold bricks wasn't it wasn't this that guy that we did an ultrasound to his head because it looked like a pregnant woman's belly i think there was an egg in there it jack are you saying you're gonna shit out nazi gold is that what you just said he's in one of those world war ii gold bricks just thinking i was just crazy hey look if if it's good jewish people's gold teeth before their villages were raided they're like wait we need to find a fat guy to feed all of our jewelry too yes and jack pooped it out and it had the swastika printed into it and a perfect ingot. Look, I'm not, I'm not, I don't want it because it's Nazi gold.

I want it because it's gold. I'm just saying. Hey, would you rather have Nazi gold or would you rather not see gold? You know? That's a good question. And you can tell I'm broke broken we know what you're gonna choose i'm just saying if a guy walked up to me and said here's a brick that is worth 25 i'd say i'd say hey jen

i love roasting people when they're not here to defend themselves. Anyways, let's move on. There's something I do want to get done today besides all of this filthy talk about your rear end and what comes out of it, Jock. Woe Vicky, one of my favorite people. Someone who I think you have a lot of, you have a very surreal quality in common with her, Jock. I know you know who Woe Vicky is. I know you're a fan as well you think i imitate a black person often if that's who you would like to you wish me stop smoking weed i mean you wish you missed stop yes you know i don't think i imitate black people but anyways you're doing that i think that's just who she is, to be honest.

Yeah. But I think that's offensive to black people, honestly. It seems like she's only watched one movie ever. If Woe Vicky's thing is what you think black people sound like, you're

kind of crazy. We all know that Wo whoa vicky is clearly a white person who tries to intimidate a black person wait not intimidate i mean intimidate she's intimidating i'm i'm a primate and i'm an inmate that's very true so anyways some we all know whoa vicky's amazing tweets um there's one that i stumbled across recently that i figured it could maybe change your life jock i'm certainly not going to do this but i think you would be perfect for this role i'll read you the tweet g0902 at yahoo.com email me here to send

your resume if you are interested in the job now we don't know what the job is she doesn't say despite many people in the comments begging her to tell us what the job is but i figured i figured we could i'm on the seeking derangements gmail right now i figured we could maybe send her a little email maybe yeah maybe a brief little resume and i look i will take myself out of the running because i don't think she would hire me. I think she would think that I'm a weird freak. Yeah. And that I like, she probably got like a pedophile or something.

Yeah. Me too. Obviously. Yeah. Y'all do look like she does not like trans. Yeah. Oh, she does.

That's surprising. No, but I think Jacques and I think we should start the email by saying, yeah. One love, man. Okay. Well by saying, yeah, one love, man. Okay. Well,

can I actually, I have, I have down to her level. Yeah. I did have a free shirt. We're nominating you here. Let's just think about, okay.

Employment history, not full because you know, you only do like the highlights, employment history, specific skills specific to you you know your skill set um and then maybe what you could offer her brand and what you could offer her as a content creator that no one else could right so i have the first lines here okay let's go oh vicky you're so fine you're so fine. You're so fine, you blow my mind.

Hey, Vicky, I want to be your assistant. And then I have the next line. Hey, Vicky, you're so, so icky. Just the thought of being around you makes me oh, so sicky. Oh, no. Oh, God. Remember from Fairly OddParents? Yeah, I remember. God, what are you, 12 years

old? I didn't know we were doing a podcast with a 12-year-old. Are, 12 years old? I didn't know we were doing a podcast with a 12-year-old. God, what are you, 12 years old? You make me so sick, you God, what are you, 12 years old? I fucking hate when he does this. Look, I'm just doing my job as writing down what you say. I'm just here trying to explain. Vicky, I have an incredible, vast amount of job experience,

starting with restaurants, leading to construction. Let's get three highlights from your career. No, I'm going to give four. Restaurants, construction, live entertainer, DJ. Well, we should mention the Challenger Spatial Disaster Bistro. I feel like that'll impress her. He invented it. He's the founder.

I am very proud of it, but I don't want to see this construction. Live entertainer DJ. And I don't want to be too proud here, but I did invent the Challenger Spatial. Don't write this part, but I actually don't want her to know that I had the Challenger spaceship because I want her to hire me because I want her to think I need more money. There he goes. Well, the Challenger space shuttle disaster bistro did explode, famously. It exploded with eight civilians inside.

I need to make a public statement for the Boston location. Yeah, write that down. Write that down. a public statement for the Boston location write that down for the Boston location of the Challenger spaceship disaster bistro

I was unaware that there were dangerous levels of lead in the building employees that have passed out from lead poisoning mid-service have been hospitalized and are completely safe and our company is doing everything we need to to reverse the lead

poisoning and to make sure that no one else is lead poisoned vicky okay let's parentheses vicky this let's get this let's get some real let's get some real restaurant experience here i have done every position fat burger or whatever that place is called fat burger yeah that place yeah that burger it's called that place that company burger the morbidly obese hot dog that you worked out company burger is like the name of like company burger is like what john tapper would change a pirate restaurant to like now you're a company you're the theme is company that you go to work in a suit i did not like vanessa made me eat there if i can please speak jock made me eat there many times um once he ate there once and he bitched so hard i had to get him other food

sorry pause pause hold up do you not remember the like three weeks i stayed with you when you worked there and you were literally eating it every day and so i had to eat it every day no you refuse to eat it this bitch bitch would love sweet green. Whatever. He comes all the way. I've never had a sweet green in my life. Yeah, fuck you, man. This isn't even a sweet green in uptown New Orleans, bitch. I was eating at the chicken restaurant. No, no, no, no, that's okay.

I don't care. No, no, no, it's fine. Ben comes all the way from New York City to New Orleans town. Ben comes all the way from New York City to New Orleans Town. Yeah, write that. Put that in there. To New Orleans Town. Just to eat sweet greens. I don't want to combat that.

You have to put it in. Would you like to continue telling yourself to, I'm addicted to what? Eating healthy? I'm addicted to serving you. Write that in the thing. Do a new paragraph and put a period at the end i'm addicted to serving vicky what and then put it and then enter put put a space and then write addicted on its own line and then do another paragraph and then go back to the letter and okay wait and then do do a third uh um what do you call these things

lines do a third double parenthesis do a double parenthesis and put addicted but spelled A-D-I-C-K do triple parenthesis do triple parenthesis and put it around

that's what brings it over the finish line for me. How's that, Niles? Yeah. Okay, Jock. We're going to put God first. Okay. Business second.

She's going to like that. She's going to like that. Business second. Maybe you need to do a little bit more explaining. And Jesus third. God first, business second, Jesus third. Don't say that. Don't say that because instead you're going to say, don't say that.

I know you and me have a very close mutual friend, our Lord and Savior, Jesus. That's good. And I'd like to tell her more. I think you should tell her more about like make a serious effort into pitching your work skills because right now the only thing that you've said is that you aren't responsible for the lead at challenger base challenger space shuttle disaster bistro boss you can just call it the challenger bistro for short. People will be so confused, Tessa,

if they don't hear the whole thing. You really should. So, Jock, I'm just saying right now, your only work experience is you saying that you are not responsible for the lead poisoning of your former employees. I got another thing. You should say you are responsible

because it shows that you're not afraid to get things done that's true yeah do another paragraph and say actually you know what i am responsible because i get shit done i am responsible for my i poison my employees and then put employees in triple parentheses i and i do it again. Yes, I poison my employees, but I also sent them to the hospital. So, well, that's kind of confusing because it just it's like, yeah, I poison them and I'm going to also make them. But you're so well done. You're the and then say I had my person. You're the person who did everything in this. You gave them lead.

Yeah, you sent them to the hospital. You're looking like a real top tier operator. You're the decision maker. After reviewing the stores, I think maybe, let's switch to something real. Let's switch to something

actually in your real life. Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. Oh, Vicky, you're going to be so proud of me. I am just incredibly good at Grand Theft Auto 5 I'm sure you play that all the time too I know that you might actually be impressed by that

I think she might actually be impressed maybe okay let's do it let's do a full list of things she might be impressed by so we've got let's do quick bullet points. We got keys. Jingle your keys. What else? I have a lot of sharp cheddar. A lot. Okay. And I know that you like to keep it tight. It's getting weirdly personal. Let's reframe the skills. As far as the skills you need to know that i have that i'm capable of

it's all as far as the skills you need you need to know that i have i'm capable of it's like this is like what a cop starts speaking like after he shoots a kid in the head right i shot a kid in the head when I was a cop. I know you like to keep it tight. As far as the skills you need to know that I have that I'm capable. Continue, Chuck. I accidentally shot a kid in college, but I've been acquitted and they have long determined that I was not at fault. Put they in triple parentheses put they in triple i'm friends with alec baldwin if you would like to meet him

but they i forgot what you said i'm friends with alec baldwin if you'd like to meet him period i will never have an accidental shooting at your job when I'm working for you. That's a new paragraph. I will never have an accidental shooting at work.

Here's another line. While I'm working for you. Here's another line. While I'm working for you, yeah. Here's another line. And then write on purpose. And only while I'm working for you. Let's keep on purpose on the fable. Here's another line. Ready for the next sentence?

I went to the hospital last night, so I probably won't have to go again anytime soon. So I'm basically perfect and healthy for work. And then put in brackets, put nose grows one inch. I think she'll appreciate that. I think she might be totally flabbergasted by any kind of editorializing in that style. I also doubt she'll have the capacity to recognize what a Pinocchio is.

Well, you don't either, apparently. Whoa. Whoa. Do you want to take a second swing at that one, Batter? Pinocchio. No, you're thinking of Pinochet now. Poconos. Nope.

Cocomo. Nope. Damn it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, stop trying to joke your way out of this. Yeah, you're trying to goof off. You're trying to joke your way out of this. You're trying to goof off. You're trying to goof your way out of this one. You said it wrong twice in a row.

That's what I'm saying. Let's just try to reverse our steps here. What was the original word you attempted to say? He's made out of wood. He's a liar. Don't tell him, Hasa. Poconos. Wait, Pico knows. Picasso.

No, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh my God. Pinocchio. Pinocchio. That's definitely not. Oh, Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Pinocchio.

Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Don't Google it. Don't Google it. I have zero hands. You're getting closer. You're getting warmer. Just keep free associating for me, babe. Pagokio. Nope. Don't Google it. I have zero hands. You're getting closer. You're getting closer. You're getting warmer. Just keep free associating from me, babe.

Put Gokio. Nope. But Goki. Right in the thing, Pinocchio is pulling the strings. Pinocchio. Pinoc. Yeah, keep writing the wrong answers. Pinot Noir.

Pinot Noir. Thank you, Jack. What else? What's the other Pinot? Sav. Pinot Noir. Thank you, Jack. What else? What's the other Pinot? Savant Blanc. The Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigio.

What is the other Pinot? Savant Blanc. It's amazing. Amazing. They should have let me out of that damn hospital. No, they really shouldn't have. It's Pinocchio. Pinocchio.

Oh, Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Say it with me. Pin-o-c-h-i-o. Pinocchio. Michelle Obama.

Yeah, right. Michelle Obama. Yeah, right. Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama. Don't we hate him. She's going to love that. Yeah, that's perfect. One time I convinced a friend that it was pronounced Penachio

and I forgot to tell him I was lying. And so he corrected someone when they said Pen that's rough it was reed oh my god of course it was him we should make no offense no offense to him but that is so funny so can you tell me what the pronunciation was again panacea is that is that is did he think that that was like the correct italian yeah he thought that was the correct italian pronunciation he corrected amber was he was he corrected like a child who was like i want to see no he corrected amber who told him what the fuck are you talking about

i said that is so mean that is so mean of you that's hilarious you kind of set him up perfectly yeah no it's perfect because if you tell a gay guy that something is pronounced they will never and they will use that to put down everyone in their fucking life and it's so funny to do that about like a children's And it's so funny to do that about like a children's movie. Can I have another line for the Vicky letter? What's another word we could set up a gay guy like this? I mean.

Let's think of one. Let's think of one. Let's think of a word we could use. Regime. I was going to say something, but it's inappropriate. Regime. Yeah, Regime. that actually is pronounced regime it's actually pronounced regime

in the original pronunciation but regime sounds fancier it needs to sound fancier somehow someone say that word regime try to think of a fancy word while we vinaigrette

oh that's pretty good it of a fancy word while we work on this. Oh, that's pretty good. It's a fancy word. I don't know if we want to try with alternate pronunciations of vinegar or vinaigrette if you know where I'm going with that. Oh, yeah. I think honestly vinaigrette would be a beautiful

name for a daughter. Yeah. For sure. Yeah, absolutely. You'd call her Vinny? Ugh. Vinny? Okay, canceled. My daughter Vinny.

Hey, you guys met my daughter Vinny? She's just like Joe Pesci but a woman. And it's Joe Pesci, my daughter Vinny. My daughter Vinny. Joe Pesci's first movie pretending to be any. My daughter Vinny. Joe Pesci's first movie pretending to be a woman. Alright, we gotta wrap up this letter. My cousin Vinny for

Okay, wait. Back to the letter though. Back to the letter though. When you hire me, Miss Vicky I love the confidence there. When you hire me, not if. When you hire me, Miss Vicky, you will immediately receive a government stipend

for hiring someone of my level of discipline. Can you spell that for me really quick? No, I can't. Can I just finish this damn sentence? You will receive a government stipend. Can you just hold on for a second and listen? I'm trying to get this down exactly what you're saying. You just speak a little bit slower.

Government what? I'm trying to get this down exactly what you're saying. You just speak a little bit slower. Government what? You will receive a government stipend for hiring a disabled. Can you spell that for me, please? S-T-I-F-F-E-N. Stipend. You want one of my stipends for hiring a disabled, mentally ill,

mentally ill mentally ill transgender I don't know if you want to say transgender don't say transgender, say dangerous say dangerous why don't we say mentally ill cisgender do me a favor why don't we say mentally ill

normal guy the only thing normal about me is my gender I have the perfect way to phrase this. Write transgender with a line. Write the word transgender with a line through it and then put in

parentheses former. And then put in triple parentheses former. Also, I have served in the Marines. Okay. And boy are my arms tired. Also, I have served in the Marines. Okay. And boy, are my arms tired. And that's the end of the letter. And during Christmas time, I volunteer as Santa Claus and dress up for the Salvation Army outside of the South Asian Army.

Right. The South Asian Army. Or the Viet Cong. By the way, I'm not involved with the Viet Cong. By the way, I... Okay. Alright. Alright, this is a long one. Should I read this one back? Yeah, read it back.

Oh, Vicky, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blew my mind. Hey, Vickyicky you make me so sicky god what are you 12 years old um vicky i have an incredible vast job experience restaurants constructions live entertainer dj and i don't write this part i don't want her to know that i did the challenger space shuttle disaster because i want more money i need to make a public statement for the possible challenger space disaster bistro i was unaware that there were dangerous levels of lead the I need to make a public statement. For the possible capture of the Challenger Space Disaster Bistro, I was unaware that there were dangerous levels of lead. The employees have been hospitalized, and they are safe.

We are reversing. Actually, you know what I'm responsible for. Yes, I poisoned my employees, but I also sent them to the hospital. Oh, Vicky, you're going to be so proud of me. I'm just incredibly good at GTA V. I have a lot of sharp cheddar, and i know you like to keep it tight as far as the skills you need to know that i have am capable of i actually shot a kid in college and i've been acquitted they in triple parentheses she's gonna fucking hire you immediately they in triple parentheses I'm friends with Alec Baldwin if you'd like to meet him

I will never have an accidental shooting while I'm working for you I went to the hospital last night so I won't have to go again soon Pinocchio Pinocchio Pinot Che Pinot Noir Michelle Obama don't we hate him back to the letter though when you hire me miss vicky you will immediately receive government

stipend for a disabled mentally ill normal former transgender also i have served in the marines and during christmas time i will volunteer as santa claus and dress up for the salvation army by the way i'm not involved with the dnk via kong i'm addicted to serving you addicted addicted we're gonna put god first business second and jesus third don't say that i know i know you and me have a very close mutual friends our lord and savior jesus jock gonsolin um the way he said that weirdly weirdly my favorite part of the entire letter is oh vicky you're gonna be so proud of me oh you're gonna be so proud jock can i take a picture of you right now to submit? Just so they know that. Show off the bandage.

You try to hide the bandage on your neck and you're showing the bandage on your arm. And I got both of them, bitch. I don't love the picture of my bandage going up. It's just going to Vicky. It's just going to Vicky., it's just going to Vicky. It's just going to Vicky. It's just going to Vicky. No, if it's just going to Vicky. I have a perfect idea for the house.

Do I have your consent to send Will Vicky the picture of you showing off your two bandages? You can say no. Wait, let's double check it for a direct threat. Maybe real quick before you send the picture. I'm actually sending this one. Yeah, I would prefer not to have weird pictures.

Can I take a cute one of you? I just like not about it. It's okay. You can say. I'll take one of me. How about that? Yeah, that's perfect. Just put this picture.

You're smiling. Just put this picture. Jock, you showed us a wound. Can you believe that? I'll attach the photo of me smiling. Can you believe that the picture I just showed you? If she responds and she says yes, she's going to think that I'm you, and I'm taking the damn job, man. You're going to need to panaccio best. I that bitch speaking of panacea um this was a picture i took the same day of the

same spot that just doesn't even look like anything to me it looks like if an oyster was red ew jock you have got really all. This one is way more disturbing, though. The one where you can see there's so much blood and blue and pus. All right. We're done with the medical talk. We were done with the medical talk. You got to open the show. Let's call the episode Oh, Vicky.

Oh, Vicky, you'll be so proud of me. Oh, Vicky, you're going to love me. You're going to be so proud of me. Oh, Mickey. You're going to be so proud of me. Ew. It looks like ketchup with a little bit of mayo in the middle. No more. I don't want to hear about it anymore. I had to look at it.

I had to experience it. And I shouldn't have to. Hassan, don't you think he should have to? I have all the sympathy in the world for you, but I don't think it's fair that I have to look at that. Well, let me hear from Hassan. Don't you think it's fair? Well, we did. We did but I don't think it's fair that I have to look at that. Well, let me hear from Hesed. Don't you think it's fair? Well, we did.

We did. I don't think it's fair. We did. There it goes. There it goes. Thanks for being on my side, bitch. I wasn't on that side. I'm not voting for her for vice president.

Shut up. We did have an article that we wanted to read. I don't have anywhere to go. Do you guys want to stay on for an article? I'm fine, but can I take my medicine? Yeah, just be gentle with your mic, please. Look, I'm muting it. Thank you.

Hesse, you're so lucky you cannot see the photos of his wounds. I kind of want to see them. Oh, he'll show them to you. I kind of want to see them. Oh, he'll show them to you. I'm surprised he hasn't found a carrier pigeon to send images. He has to bring it to me. Full printed images of him going to a FedEx and the guy behind the counter printing off the pictures being like, oh, my God.

And Josh is like, oh, yeah, I run a media company. That's my employee. She's being a bitch. She doesn't want to see my wounds. Exactly what he would do. And just has her as a dress. Yeah, I need to send this to a transgender woman because she won't look at my wounds

and she's my employee because I run a media company. She's a fucking bitch who don't want to see my wounds. I'm a media expert. he says that in ubers all the time it's so hilarious um let's read this article it doesn't matter he jock is not gonna have any idea what's being said in this yeah yeah this is for this is for the real political heads out there um like you and i but yeah there was an article i mean it's been getting been you know swirling around the hot take machine on twitter.com um it was it's called the cruel kids table it's by brock hollier and it was in um new york mag i don't know

i was really trying not to read this article because i am sick of um people writing their stupid little being afraid yeah how many articles can we have about young right-wing people like yeah like i mean like we can we'll get into this but like my my my critique before reading this article hasn't really changed much which is that these, these young right-wing people... These people. Racist again. Turn your mic down, please, Josh. Exist really more as a media phenomenon than they do as any kind of coherent political movement. Yeah.

Especially these specific ones in this article are very much like, it's like, it's exactly the same as like, you know, David Shore or whatever, like the, those Democrat, like,

or not even, it's like Democratic. It's if the Democrats won, it would be like a party with all the Democrat fail sons in DC. Like, and instead it's the Republicans won. So there's a party with all the democrat fail sons in dc like and instead it's the republicans one so there's a party with all the republican fail sons and there's like this mistaken reading of this is like oh this is the future of america it's these fail sons of these super like tapped into politics

freaks who on both sides of the aisle are total maniacs and they're fucking nerds let's get into it here yeah um it's it's jock can you your mic is yeah you're breathing into your mic i'm so sorry i'm not trying to breathe okay you're trying to turn up i'll turn your volume down yeah or turn it down is it better now nope one a couple more notches please this is why you gotta be gentle with it when you set it down pick it up check check check hello check check check check okay perfect um here's the article um it's monday january 20th the first night of donald trump's second second presidency and just a couple blocks away from the capitol building that is that his now pardoned maga army swarmed four years ago and 14 days ago there, as there's always been for the past several nights

in restaurants, hotels, ballrooms, lobbying offices, a party for people who have never been happier about the direction in which the country is heading. They are drinking, smoking, flirting, networking, but most importantly, congratulating one another on their big win. This party is at Butterworth's, a new dimly lit bistro that has become a home. Disgusting. Ew.

I'm obsessed. You would go to a restaurant- Yeah, that sounds like a jock restaurant. You would absolutely go to a restaurant with the name Butter in the title. I would never go to that. I'd go every day. Butterworth, that sounds like a- It's called the damn fridge, y'all.

I imagine that it's like a beautiful fat woman wearing an apron that serves everyone the food. You should launch a cryptocurrency called Butterworth. Yeah. Oh, my. I love the idea of like, want to increase your stock worth? Want to increase your worth? Get Butterworth. That's like, it's, you know how the book that Carol was based on was called The Price of Salt?

And Jacques' version is just called Butterworth. It's him jacking off while eating butter. It's him eating a rockabilly girl in a supermarket while buying butter. Whoa. No, for sure. That has to sound like you're coming live and direct from the Yellow Submarine.

I do. Yeah, check it out. Well, I'm recording separately. sorry um okay so yeah there are butterworths i mean it's just this party of people like in the middle look at the menu please let's just focus on the article right now we can look it up later in the middle of the room a hip-hugging emerald and a hip-hugging emerald bald gown and hefty string of pearls is tanya prosabic i never know how to pronounce these freaks last names it's the tp i think the wife of jack the far right um activist and one-time pizzagate pusher um she says it's been i haven't heard anyone complain

she says almost shrieking with glee it's such a positive vibe I haven't heard anyone complain. It's so funny. At a party. I haven't heard anyone complain. Yeah. Usually my friends complain all the fucking time. They don't shut up. They're so full of complaints. No one's yelled at a waiter.

It's a miracle. Literally. Literally. Let me. Also, I'm bringing up january 6th like right off the bat i think we can move on from january 6th it was so funny but it was not scary at all it was hilarious it was hilarious nothing happened um also all those people are pardoned and whatever good for trump for pardoning them. I don't really care. For the first time in several administrations, the last inauguration, of course, was marred by the pandemic and an insurrection. Blah, blah, blah. Though nobody here would call it that.

And the one before that was surrounded by unfriendly protests. This long weekend has been an unfettered celebration. No resistance in sight. Everywhere across the Capitol, people are comparing invitations and one and wondering how did that person get into that party and as usually follows that question why wasn't i invited how the fuck did that freak get into that party yeah and it's all i mean it goes to show that a lot of the a lot of the people that are going to be described in this article and a lot of people that are given way more political importance than they deserve i mean at the end of the day these are people who are just marketing their cloud chasing and their wanton social climbers yes yeah they're republican

cloud chasers yes exactly yeah um as one 28 year old conservative influencer xavier duverso tells me it's republican coachella and Donald Trump is our Beyonce. He kept his weekend organized on a color-coded spreadsheet in intervals of 30 minutes. I mean, these are like power-humping nerds who just want to curry favor with what they see as an ascending class in Washington, D.C. And we're not wrong to do that, but I don't think we should mistake these as some kind of serious insurgent movement or any kind of actual

coherent political threat. Or an indication of the youth of the country because these are not normal people. Yeah, they're not normal people. I do think there is like a just kind of right wing tonal shift in a lot of media oh yeah and in a lot of youth media but i don't

think it's because of these people um i think it's multi-faceted but i think you're doing a little bit too much service to say it's because of like a black guy at PragerU who's comparing Donald Trump to Beyonce. Like that's not. Also, I just have to say the idea of Donald Trump dressed up as Beyonce for a group, a bunch of MAGA people. I mean, that would be iconic. All the, imagine him saying,

all the single ladies, all the single ladies. All the single ladies. Put your hands up. None of, no, none of us can do it. This set's most visible political stance is a reaction to what it sees as the left's puritanical obsession with policing language and talking about identity. A joke about Puerto Ricans or eugenics or sleeping with Nick Fuentes could throw a pack of smokers outside Buttersworths into a giggle fest recounting her time in one of the balls a woman tells me she jumped the velvet rope into a vip section quote-unquote like a little mexican then she lets out a cackle this is the posture that has been that has attracted

newcomers to the cause quote six months into biden being president i was like i can't fucking do this anymore says a 19 year old new yorker who once quite literally had blue hair and attends marymount manhattan which he describes as 75 women and 23 trannies he had supported biden saying i hate what i hate watching the things i say i took a much further horseshoe around this time than last later a former bernie supporter who looked like most bernie support looked like the most Bernie-supporting person one could imagine with long curly hair and a plaid shirt

told me the same. He wanted the freedom to say faggot and retarded. So. Okay. This, like, you can imagine how unfunny the jokes at this thing are. I jumped over that like a little Mexican. It's incredibly childish. And, and like of course it's childish the guy is 19 and what's so funny about the quote from this 19 year old is that he was 15 a couple months into the bite like why is a

15 year old saying i can't do this anymore. Two months into the Biden administration. Yeah. What are you? You're in high school. You're a fucking nerd. The president doesn't affect you. The president doesn't fucking affect you. You're literally a fucking nerd, like debate club fucking loser.

If you care about that and not smoking weed or fucking or skipping school, like, why are you concerned? Yeah. And also, why is there a 19 year old at this party can't be that good of a party if there's a 19 year old there like come on also i just want to say 19 year old boy like it's yeah the quote at least a girl at least have young women in there the quote from the 19 year old just could have been ramona singer from that sounds like a she's definitely in attendance of these parties okay interesting interesting story but she's very she's in that new york there's something there's something interesting here which is that um

this admission that the boy quite literally had blue hair at one point and went to mount there is a there's a horseshoe kind of thing in effect here. And what it goes to show is that these people are only attracted by some kind of, like, political sensibility of rebellion or being edgy or being on some kind of outskirts, fringe, radical... I went...

I swung way further on the horse to this time around and it's like they have no actual beliefs it's just like no they just go they just want to feel edgy which which i totally understand i mean my politics when i was 19 thank god i wasn't interviewed by someone it would have been incredibly embarrassing um yeah and like i mean there's kind of a thesis in this article here that goes to say that people wanting to say these slurs and people wanting to say these things are the reason why so many people, young people are turning right. One, I don't think that many young people are turning right. And two, like, it's just so stupid. it has been very censorious and has been has punished people for saying things that they you know quote unquote aren't allowed to for the past i don't know eight years or whatever but

yeah it's a cultural thing hasn't stopped me from saying it because at the end of the day like you you still have friends if you have friends that you can say these things to and no one will care because they understand that your real political beliefs or your feeling towards a certain group of people none of that comes out of animosity right like if you have friends you can speak freely with your friends because that's the point of having friends but if you don't have friends because you're a nerd and you can't say or or whatever you might want to say you can't make jokes about mexicans say faggot or retard or whatever you might want to say you can't make jokes about mexicans that's because you don't have friends um and you want to be able to say this publicly because you want to incite some kind of like reaction you want attention you want to feel edgy yeah it's

very normal for young people to want to feel this way um and i think it's more cultural than it is political um yeah conservatives used to be so uptight but the left has become the funless sexless party not that the right is the party of sex necessarily but we have fun i love the backtracking there literally they're fucking nerds this is a 31 year old influencer all right 31 we gotta fit we gotta get like a cutoff for what young is 31 is pushing it i think so what the fuck am i like really old yes yes so what are you 16 god yeah you're like i'm a lady never a lady never beautiful and perfect and you're so old you idiot bitch shock you're so old why don't you get hearing aids because you can barely hear me

cursing at you dumb bitch it's also so funny to be like yeah we're the party of sex the right way people who make abortion illegal yeah no it It's very like. They're not. Hey. Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of people on the left who I find sexually abhorrent. You know, like I think the maybe the openness. Between the lines there. Hey, look, they're down.

They're down to fuck and they're committed to the bit. They're like, you want you want us to fucking have a baby we'll show you oh uh oh that's so they're gonna have a baby instead of getting an abortion they're committing to the bit yes uh okay can i could i please bring something up about this amazing institution uh butterworth's yeah so uh just looking at the menu highlights it seems like an absolute stinker uh the menu the menu highlights include steak tartare a dish called skate wing not a single clue what that is sardines a dish that's just called breakfast for alex and oyster not oysters oyster oh yeah there was something in the article that was like um there are cocktails that are called

like the swamp drain or something and like american carnage and yeah um the final term or something like that. Yeah, American Carnage is a pretty good name for a cocktail, honestly. Yeah, not bad. But, I mean, yeah, the article goes on, they interview all of these young right-wing people.

Oh, carnage! That's the word we can trick gay people with. Carnage. Yes, because that's making it sound more French. Carnage. Yes, because that's making it sound more French. Yeah, for sure. Yes. Carnage. Sorry for interrupting. Carnage is a good one. We'll have to find

a gig how to pull that out. I mean, just tell Reid. I'm sorry. Jock, what's up? Are you ordering food from Buttersworth? Just so... Their steak tartare looks so disgusting. Steak tartare, I think, is really good. I love steak tartare.

I love it. They managed to make it look absolutely so fucking unappetizing. That's a picture of your wound. That's not... Stop. That's not a funny joke. It's not even... You would have vomited again.

Yeah. It's entirely possible in this world to be very gay. Everywhere I went, people were fangirling over Scott Pressler, an out gay activist with Jonathan Van Ness's hair. Do you guys know who Pressler is? No. So, so,

so funny. He is is a he looks like if jvn was made out of scarecrow material he's very he's very tall um i guarantee birds are very afraid of him i i would i would i would i would hazard a bet that he's probably never seen a bird in his life because they are so afraid of him. Can they keep a white bird? Yes.

He is incredible. John, can you stop looking at the menu, please? I'm not even looking at the menu. I'm getting ready for something else. Just continue talking. Can you participate in the show? I am participating in the show. I'm getting ready. at the menu and getting ready for something else. Just continue talking. Can you participate in the show? I am participating in the show. I'm getting ready. What are you preparing for? For a statement.

What statement? You keep talking. You're stopping the flow. I want to hear the statement. You're stopping because you're waving your camera around. I'm not even waving my camera around. Get your statement out of the way and then we can continue. I'm trying to bring up... it's too it's too much to bring up let me let you finish then i'll bring it up okay um no so he's a he was he was a political organizer for

um i think like tp usa and like some weird like um right wing organization he is out he's out gay i imagine i don't know but he um claims to have won pennsylvania for trump because he turned out a huge amish population which could very well be no i don't know yeah that's kind of baller he's like evil you kind of yeah yeah isn't that kind of what do you call it when you're saying the same word twice i'm not gonna tell you what about that aren't those just the same words um do you want to keep going no i want to hear dr i want to keep going? No, I want to hear Jock. I want to hear Jock. Oh, Ben's synonym. Is that not it?

No. I think you were trying to say that what Hessa said was redundant. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's just a given. She always be saying redundant ass shit. She's like, my name is Hessa. I am transgender. You're such a redone i was thinking this redundant bitch you fucking redone

i have um what drug i have a very statement you're reading the uber eats order you've been placing for the past 30 minutes no bitch i'm. I'm not ordering food until I get off. I don't even bother thinking about food anymore. Let's hear the statement. Thank you for not thinking about food when we record. I had a, have we gotten enough out of this Butterworth incident? The Butterworth Republican? You're the one who wants to talk about Butterworth.

I think this article would have been interesting to our listeners, but I kind of- Let's keep reading it. Jacques can work on his statement. He doesn't really have much to say about it anyways. Well, no, y'all keep going. Yeah,

that's right. I just have a, I have a blind item to bring to us at the end. Okay. So can we focus on the topic and then maybe introduce a different one? Yeah, we can focus on the topic and we will talk about it. Thank you.

Thank you, Jacques. I appreciate it. I appreciate you being so, so good at your job. Magnanimous. Don't call me MAGA, Jacques. I appreciate it. I appreciate you being so, so good at your job. Magnanimous. Don't call me MAGA, bitch. She just said I'm magnanimous.

No, I said you were good at your job. Or that you're, you know. Okay, let's keep going. Yeah. So he credits himself with turning out the Amish vote enough to win Pennsylvania. He was also in 2020 a Stop the Steal organizer. Scott is the best.

He's the best. He won us Pennsylvania. I really like him, said the frat boy from Georgetown who told me homosexuality was a sin. What's his biggest sin? Adultery, he responded too quickly, which, playa. Yeah, period. Yeah, but we should do a deep dive.

I hope his wife doesn't read that yeah we should do a deep dive on um scott presley because he's very funny um yeah yeah um does he even does he even like is he american why are you asking if he's american he just sounds like a german guy kind of i just kind of imagine him looking like a Karl Lagerfeld. I don't know what this guy looks like. No, he, like I said, he looks like JVN. If JVN was a scarecrow. He's a scarecrow material.

He's got all the blood drained out of him. Oh, God. I've been putting JVN's clothes on a scarecrow. Oh, he, he, no, I have a way better, more accurate way to describe him. He just looks like a magician pedophile, which I guess is also a synonym. I can picture him perfectly now. He looks like Scarecrow JVN and a magician pedophile.

How old is he? He's 26, 27, something like that. He looks like the evil guy from Showgirls without muscles. Yes, for sure. I can see that as well. When I asked Charles Moran, the president of the gay Log Cabin Republicans, why the group wasn't throwing a ball this year, he told me, because there are too many other parties with better scenes.

We've been included to the point where we don't need to have our own tables. We've been invited to the point where we don't need to have our own tables. We've been invited to everyone else's. A trip to the log cabin headquarters, a townhouse that members call Gay Gardens. A log cabin that smells like shit inside. There's a lot of gay sex going on inside. Literally. They call it Sherwin-Williams because all of the painting that happens. Period. because all of the painting that happens period you know how many packages a gay republican can now come in passing one this it's so funny because like sorry like republicans have always been super gay dl yeah like absolutely there's daddies twinks it's this isn't something new i guess maybe something to southern men and also

one of the packages one of the packages these uh republic these gay republicans are coming in is probably an underage boy maybe a bus boy at this at butterworth um there's there's something here with the writer's point of view where they're kind of just they're a little shocked that republicans have taste or um cultural nuance in some way which i find kind of interesting because it's like the here the house was decorated for some reason with pictures of frida kahlo and on the wall hung a framed pride flag which the plaque claimed was the first to fly at a Republican National Convention. I don't understand why that is so, like, noteworthy or interesting. It's like, yeah.

Also, Frida Kahlo, that's basic shit. That's like not. It's like incredibly normie gay guy art to be like my Marilyn Monroe, Ikea print, my Frida Kahlo print. It's not. ikea print my frida kahlo print it's not yeah it's it's one group of gay guys hiring a different type of gay guy which is an interior a lazy interior designer gay guy yeah who and who's just like just get us whatever uh portraits match the wall color yeah and it turned out to be frida kahlo this is an interesting part here because i mean going going everything up to this point is kind of saying like this is the insurgent cultural uh culture tastemakers of the maga movement right now they're young they're hip they have a bit more elevated taste etc etc um and of course

they're influencers there's a part here that i found very funny meanwhile just a few minutes away a more familiar scene of MAGA commoners was unfolding at the all-American inaugural ball. Hosted in the dusty carpeted basement of a Hyatt Regency, this gathering had drawn the crowd of Trump supporters who still get their news from Facebook, who had traveled a long

way and paid a lot of money to get to the inauguration. Admission was $850 per ticket on Eventbrite. Here, there was sequined American flag garb, goatees, and selfie sticks. I'm on the Trump train, a hairdresser from Florida squealed to me. Chugga-chugga-choo-choo.

Okay, so... There's something very funny... Oh, actually, here it continues. Inexplicably, the room smelled like corn. Sexual healing was planned. Have you noticed the entire room is white an older woman and then in an updo and silver sequined gown asked me though it wasn't entirely clear whether she thought that was a good thing or a bad thing

um so i mean i think i guess yeah i'm gonna take a full guess on that one yeah um when it comes to like for me when it comes like the the cultural cutting edge of maga and the people who are kind of doing the hard work of making their media consuming their media making it even like i don't avant-garde in some way i don't find the avant-garde of maga to be these young people who are on carnivore diet and saying faggot in Mexican. It's the basement people. It's these women. It's the basement people

who were faking COVID vaccine seizures, who stormed the Capitol, who are voting against their own interests in so many ways people who think people who think that brianna has been executed in gitmo i mean these are the these are the people who are doing the hard daily grind of making maga work and they're also paying out the fucking ass for this shit i bet all those influencers they're invited they're the rich kids they're also paying out the fucking ass for this shit i bet all those influencers they're invited they're the rich kids they're marketers essentially they're being treated and you know they're very prim and very proper they're not paying anything into maga they're being

wined and dined yeah wait who's didn't dine these people these people are paying 850 dollars a ticket on event right to go scream in some reporter's face. In a corn-smelling basement. In a corn-smelling basement. I'm like, honestly, I love these people. They're so funny. They're amazing. They're hilarious.

And they're fucking pigs. But they are really the culture of MAGA. Yeah. really the culture of maga um yeah that i i just i i don't see an ounce of their heart or or an ounce of their spirit in these people who are you know making some influencer page and like selling like gay maga gear or whatever like these are not these are not the real people of the movement um but when you walk in a room that smells like corn you don't feel like home no yeah jock would love that i would love that you would love that bitch um guest spent more time at the buffet um than the merch stand where there was a ten thousand dollar bronze fight fight

fight sculpture depicting the president with his fist in the air shortly after getting shot, supposedly signed by him. When Sean Spicer hopped onto the main stage, he growled, are you guys fired up or what? Before reminding everyone to visit godblesstheusabible.com and introducing Lee Greenwood

to Green Gompus. It's like, these rooms! I feel like... It's like the rooms i feel like it's like the righteous gemstones it's so funny they have this this like supposedly anti-elite populist movement has this two-tier like bifurcated system within their own ranks where you have you know women with heavy contour on carnivore diet um selling you know beauty like beef tallow to their maga chuds and then you have the consumer base that is just like everyone's schizophrenic facebook aunt it's just sharing ai memes of donald trump like hugging nelson mandela or something and they just lose their entire like

fucking like their roths and their 401ks to god bless the usa inside the men inside the men's room the men were hee-hawing about how grateful they are that they can piss in a urinal and not wait in the women's line if you change your fucking pronoun you can go anywhere you want are you identifying today man i don't i'm so glad i don't have to get into the women's restroom today i'm like wait was that fuck are they talking i don't get i don't get that line at the women's restroom today. I'm like, wait, was that? What the fuck are they talking about? I don't get that line at all. That didn't make any sense to me.

Yeah. I think he's saying that the women are welcome to go and piss in the urinal too. Am I understanding that wrong? I don't think that. No, you're right. Ben, and what I sent you, Ben, to be clear, is like a third of the article. It was too long for me to send the whole thing. No, this is the whole article here.

Oh, you got the whole thing? Yeah, I have the whole article in front of me. I'm skimming through it because it's not worth reading the entire thing. And I've kind of said my piece on most of it. Yeah. I just feel like, here we go. It's true that over the past few months since Trump was reelected, I had begun to feel these young conservatives' influences seeping into my own polite circles,

quite like the substance. We no longer had any patience for the identity warriors on our timelines. A friend and I started swapping clips of Megyn Kelly on Instagram. We thought they were hilarious. Our favorite was her take on the fires in LA. The last thing i want to see if i'm in a burning building is a a woman and b an obese woman i was unleashed the armor fat jokes and it's like why did why did you need the permission from maga to do this i feel like

yeah we've been doing that for whether it's on our pot whether it's on our podcast or with our friends who love and respect us and understand us we have confident um you know privacy with not saying anything crazy but this to me is like this is just how you talk with your friends i don't know why yeah you needed the it doesn't make any sense to me it's it's i feel like it's like a fear of like i feel like i'm becoming more maga more evil you know and i don't like the feeling of it but it's not it's not something to worry about you're fine you're just like i don't speak a lick of mandarin megan kelly is funny you're just you're just over it you're just over it you don't want to resist anymore yeah like like hashtag resist like uh four years ago so you're just not

like because it's not gonna do shit because the democratic party's fucked and it's there it's like as bad or not as bad but obviously. But it's like, you know, a dead horse. There's nothing you can do. Yeah. No, for sure. You can cook the meat. What? She said, there's nothing you can do with a dead horse.

And I said, you can cook the meat. That's right, Josh. We can cook the meat, actually. If y'all keep calling me Josh, I'm shooting you. Thank you Josh. Thank you Josh. Josh, thank you so much. This is the cruelest thing y'all have ever done.

This is worse than when y'all made that little... Josh, Josh, Josh, please calm down. Josh, please calm down. You're getting aggressive, Josh, please. What's wrong, Josh? Josh, please calm down. You're getting aggressive, Josh. Can you think of a single Josh that made a difference in history? To wrap up on this article, I feel like I've said what I needed to say. At the end of the day, these people, again, anyone – my policy on the young insurgent right wing,

the stylish young insurgent right wing that is so chic and so ahead of the trends, blah blah they don't really exist it's a the article writers the scribblers people like this they publish a new fucking think piece on dime square once a month and they've been doing it for the past six fucking years and yeah it's a kind of self-enforcing um the future self-enforcing like mutually beneficial like tacit agreement it's these people seem to have with each other that is like they kind of mandate each other's existence in some way but if you pulled the plug on either one of them no one would remember it wouldn't really matter and there certainly would not be any kind of

vast political effect that can solely be located to them i think these or even a cultural effect these are people who are adept cultural actors who can take advantage of almost inevitable political and cultural shifts in the United States, right? Like, it's the 80s again, whatever it may be. They know that stuff is going to happen. So, yeah, they can start selling their beef tallow. They can start hawking carnivore diet. hallow they can start hawking carnivore diet they can you know say faggot and giggle as if that was something you couldn't do if you were not beholden to some kind of like yeah bullshit cultural when biden was in office you couldn't do that um but i don't know i mean i i kind of resent having to

think about these people um and resent having to give it any credence yeah and these are it's just like they're just like they are like cruel people like truly when when feeling empowered to say faggot matters more to you than like people getting enough food to eat and shit like that. Yeah, I agree. It is pretty cool. Wait, that's what you said? Yeah. I think she was making a point that Josh, you rudely interrupted, but it's okay.

Yeah, you interrupted my point, Josh. Wait, Josh, you have a statement to read? Yes, I do have a... Yeah, I guess that's it on the article, Josh. Why don't you read the statement that you've been preparing for the past three weeks? Well, I would love to just really quickly... This is a really quick cover. Have you all been keeping up

with what happened to Ramona Singer this week? No, what happened? Ramona Singer sold her Twitter to the CEO of BlackRock. Larry Fink is the CEO of BlackRock, and someone hacked Ramona's account. Jock, it's Larry Fink is the CEO of BlackRock and someone hacked Ramona's account. It's Larry Fink. What's the difference? I'm kidding.

Anyway, so if you go to this CEO Larry Fink's page and scroll past about five or six of his shit about BlackRock, you end up just at selfies

of Ramona. Should we do it? Let's do a live reading of it. And then also, it's really hysterical if Ramona was posting on Instagram black picture, just text, hey, does

anyone work at X? I really really need help someone's hacked my account it's just what do you what do you think about this jock why don't you tell us like what's your it's like a really like a really poorly executed joke because ramona doesn't understand it it's not like she's being duped so who do you think to the joke i feel like a bunch of like twitter i don't really understand the joke as like someone basically someone basically merged their twitters and and it was like you know black rock and black rock is the pmc the private military corporation well like i think black i think black rock is like private equity i'm not sure oh no they're military i'm thinking of what am i thinking of are they military black black rock is is is military black rock i think it's just like an investment company that yeah i

i'm sure they do military but i think they kind of do it it's like one of the black is an american multi-national investment company founded in 1988 initially as an enterprise risk management and fixed income institutional asset manager black rock is the world's largest asset manager with yeah they they just they i'm sure of course yeah that's so fucking stupid then why would they do that they should have done the the private military i think what am i thinking of i think it was maybe someone hacked ramona's account and was um just just doing a kind of epic joke by setting it up as if she sold her account to larry fink but the thing is is she just was confused and you know i just wasn't that i'm sure i'm sure drunk as hell and is finding out

what she's just like what so I did feel bad for her in that one regard that was like the one time I felt bad for her and then I had coincidentally I had an old season of Roni playing in the background and she was

she was like a poop just rolled out of my robe onto the floor and I was like oh if you rolled out of my robe onto the floor and i was like who just rolled out of your robe onto the floor that's what ramona said that's what ramona oh no i wouldn't be in this predicament if i had a fucking nurse your bandage is falling off your face baby baby can you shut up I'm literally trying to help you I know

I don't have magic fingers I can't just fix it Jacques I love you I love you too the way you said that it's like you're trying to calm down a person who's about to

kill the hostage hey hey hey I wonder why it has to sound like someone who needs to calm a crazy person y'all don't feel bad for calling you Josh hey next episode

I'm not mad you got it I was calling you Josh I'm just gonna set up so we don't even Hey, next episode. Next episode. I look so mad you got it. I was calling you, Josh. Hey, y'all. I'm just going to set up so we don't even have to plan for the next episode. This is what we're going to do. It's going to be me holding a hostage, and y'all are going to be the hostage negotiators. And you're going to try to convince me not to.

It's a totally normal, regular episode. Get someone. Y'all decide who the hostages are going to be? I already feel like it's going to be the classic situation where I am the victim and also the negotiator. Oh, and you could get and Hessa, you could ask your friend Columbo

to come and try to help solve the situation. My uncle? My uncle Columbo. I think that you've had sex with your uncle. That's disgusting. I thought it was disgusting too. Fair enough.

Is there any closing thoughts on the article or Ramona or BlackRock or anything you want to say before we sign off today, Jock? No matter what happens, no matter my health, no matter what kind of shitty things I'm going through, I'm going to do all my shows.

So February 12th, Los Angeles, I am doing Game Show Pig. Two Fat Pigs presents Game Show Pig. show pig absolutely i invited you i wanted you to be on a part of the production oh it's me and grace freud putting together the most amazing live comedy game show theme comedy show we're doing three different types of game shows we've got a questionnaire we got a family feud and we got a dating game we are featuring such acts as chris baron jeff rosenstock helena riley will senate nate fisher brandon wardell beautiful amazing love i'm just gonna tell you all this. Well, the tickets, the links to tickets will be in the bio. I will die of staph

infection before I go to the show. So if I die of staph infection and I can't go to the show. It's because you didn't go to the show. Okay. That is so crazy. Okay, whatever. Look, it's not going to happen, Jock.

It's not going to happen um if anyone out there wants to listen to more seeking derangements you can find it at patreon.com seeking derangements it's only five dollars a month for weekly bonus episodes and our catalog just yeah one last thing one last thing josh go ahead dm me if you want to get my dad's number. He's starting a betting pool of how long till I die from the staph infection. Is he really? He's not.

The fact that he thought that was real bodes poorly. Because his father did it. And I got some money to blow. I was like, Ben, text my daddy. He's got to see. Whitney, I'll be like, Whitney, I don't know.

I mean, I don't think the staph infection is going to kill you, Jock. You're going to be okay. You're going to come out of this the other side, baby. All I could hope for. You're going to be better than ever. But look, can I just say one last thing? One, one last, real last thing. It's so funny.

One, one last, one real last thing. I just pray to god that if i die i'll get a lot of money it's only thank you how are we going to get money if you die amen and could you be very specific i've been a millionaire i've been a millionaire very specific about how i will get a lot of money if you die i need to um when i die my my my estate lawyer will lawyer will bring y'all both together and hand y'all each a map at the same time your estate lawyer is named will lawyer no my lawyer's name is darnavel seltzer

No, my lawyer's name is Darnavel Seltzer. Wow. Interesting. Anyway, yeah, so he's going to hand y'all a map. He's going to hand y'all a map, each a map. It's going to be a map to my gold, and whoever gets the gold gets all my money. Darnavel Seltzer. That's your service.

This is the map to your Nazi gold that you pooped out. Okay, I think there's been a huge confusion. I can neither confirm nor deny that it is a Nazi gold. I just want to set the record straight. Or maybe not poop. The gold that I have is from World War II era is not, in fact, related to Nazis. I've never heard something like that. It's just from the World War II era is not in fact related to Nazis. I've never heard something like that. It's just from the World War II era. Okay.

I believe you. Okay, well it's really good catching up. I just got a text from someone, Jock. What? About you. Read it out loud. Do you want to know who it's from kyla no it's from jamie jamie i imagine you're listening hello queen please come back on the show soon hi jamie um sorry i missed you being on the show you were wonderful we had an amazing episode i know i missed um i kind of

want to do a call-in show. Yes. With her. So we'll post the number if and when Jamie can come back on. Well, whatever. We keep getting a lot of requests. We keep getting a lot of requests for us to start doing call-in episodes again. Where are those requests? Because I read all.

Well, it's so funny. Oh, for me and Ben's college though god no I would never ever bring that that goddamn shit up oh also by the way if you want to hear Hessa and I's old show you can buy that in the patreon shop for 12 dollars um but Jamie said Ben is Jacques okay I know he can be dramatic but I hope it's nothing serious would you like me to send a text back to her for you Jacques yes? Yes, you can tell her Jacques is okay. He had to go to the hospital, but...

Yes, Jacques is okay. He had to go to the hospital, but... He got treated and is stable and okay. Out of the hospital. Don't say stable. Say he's fine. Stable implies that okay. Out of the hospital. Don't say stable. Say he's fine. Stable implies that you're still in the hospital in critical condition.

I just meant that I'm okay. Oh my God. You're so, you're so, your stable is such an intense routine. I didn't mean it to be intense. I just meant that I was like, I'm okay for the second.

I keep trying to get my dog to go outside. I get it. I get it. Go out. Go potty. Well, Everyone, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back later this week with a Patreon exclusive. Bye, everyone. Bye.

Bye. Do you feel that you've been changing for the worse now? Maybe you could stop it but you just don't know how Think of good times, you've had them you all the time Do you know that you are not the same as you are? Why so good for you to follow what's order? Think what good times you had in your time Just one thing I can tell you is You should know what you gotta do

Just want you to come to your senses I guess it's a good thing for you You can put her through the maze And see the days And get away, to each your way, enjoy your days. You've got your own pretty, happy, shiny universe. File it, fill it, take it, shake it, dig it in my blood Think about good times

You have learned you are a child You get someone's loving if you are willing to buy