Seeking Derangements - SD 391 - Certifried Friercrackers

Episode Date: March 16, 2025

It's Seeking Sunday! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I solve the aviation crisis, discuss the explosives that were planted all over Jacques neighborhood, review Lucinda Williams live show in Lafayette, and what it feels like to walk across one of those rainbow crosswalks which cuts through a 7 lane Dallas freeway.

Hello, hello, hello everyone. Welcome to Seeking Derangements. This is Ben. A sweet life for you. Yeah. He'll be fine. I'm going to say he's going to be a little angry. Here's my prediction. Here's my prediction. What's your prediction? It's he's going to be fine. But my prediction is that you're going to be mad because his headphones won't be on. I mean, come on. That's fair enough. Maybe if you got ready a few minutes before and you got ready. We literally just need to start lying to him by the time we need to say we're recording 30 minutes earlier.

This is the solution. But no, I'll be chill. Anyways, guys, you're hearing this in the free feed. I feel like we hear, want more Seeking Derangements. Subscribe to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Seeking Derangements for bonus episodes, weekly bonus episodes, and our entire

back catalog, videos, etc, etc. Jock is posting nudes there now, which, you know, we asked him to stop, but he demanded to be able to share his model. And they come up on your phone. You can't turn off the notifications. They'll pop up on your phone.

And it's during work hours, during weekdays. So you're going to want those. You're going to want those, guys. Come on. But anyways, Hessasa how's it going today i'm incredibly hungover if you can't tell by my god-awful voice right now i can tell you have the classic ben hangover voice and i'm doing well i am i was oh that's i'm so happy for you i'm so happy for you i'm'm so happy for you. I'm doing great, actually. Great. I actually feel great.

Doesn't look like it. Shocking. You look amazing as always. I was going to say, what do you have? Are you okay? How much longer do you have? When someone says that they're feeling sick, I can be like, oh my gosh,

I was going to say you look terrible. I'm chilling though. I feel like, oh my gosh, I was going to say you look terrible. I'm chilling though. I'm in Dallas with my friend Steven in the beautiful Oak Lawn neighborhood of Dallas. It's the gayborhood that I've been to quite a few times. I had a very, very humiliating experience yesterday walking to a LGBTQIA plus cafe in the neighborhood. What's it called? Do you want to plug it? oh it's called Union Cafe I will say it honestly and yes I did beef with a barista there

I will get to that there was a barista that you were beefing? yes mama I thought it was like a performing drag queen oh no that was later in the day there was a lot of fights a lot of fights yesterday a lot of meat in dallas a lot of beef yeah yeah but it all started with me trying

to get to this lgbtqia plus cafe um and in the main street in dallas these are all hello jock welcome we're recording and goodbye jock he immediately left um but what was i gonna say oh all of the crosswalks in this gayborhood in dallas are the rainbow crosswalk and i will say it was extremely humiliating not only one to be a pedestrian in dallas because it is car central if you're walking on the street, people think you're homeless. Yeah, crosswalks and is it like, I'm guessing the crosswalks are, how do they even make

them rainbow? Because I'm guessing they're across like six lane highways. It's literally what it's like. It's literally what it's like. I was walking across, hello Jock, we are recording. I'm going to mute him until he gets ready. His shirt isn't even recording. I'm going to mute him until he gets ready. His shirt isn't even on.

I guess that his headphones are on. Hello, Jock. We are recording. Welcome. We're talking about Dallas. But yeah, no, it's literally like walking across. What is going on? Why can't I hear anything?

Just check yourself for recording. Oh, never mind. Just kidding. Okay, great. Amazing. Welcome to work, diva. You look beautiful. Yeah, calm down. I'm incredibly calm. I'm just welcoming. Just kidding. Okay, great. Amazing. Welcome to work, Diva. You look beautiful. I'm incredibly calm. I'm just

welcoming to your job. Welcome to work, Diva. I know, but the way you say that is so rude. Why? You're punching in. No. You're like, how should I welcome you to work? Greetings, Jacques. You're so beautiful. The timing is perfect. I don't care that you were even in.

That's basically what he said. He said, welcome to work, diva. I don't need this from your now long hair. My hair has not... I haven't gotten extensions. Everybody, her hair is extended. It's not extended. I didn't get extensions.

I swear to God, I'm not even joking. Hessa has taken height off of her own body and given it to her hair. Anyways, yes, Hessa. She'd off of her own body and given it to her hair. Leave her be. Anyways, yes, Hessa. She'd rather be a shorter woman with longer hair. I was walking across seven lanes of traffic. On a rainbow walk. On a rainbow walk. It was

extremely humiliating. Do they just repeat the rainbow after a few? Well, it's just like the stripes, you know. Oh, okay. So they're going horizontal across the road. stripes you know oh okay so they're going crosswalk they're going like horizontal across yes across as if they're guiding guiding you to the other end just like abby road yeah like you're walking down rainbow road in uh mario kart well yeah so people are already staring at you because they're like why is this guy walking on the street why isn't he

in he why isn't he in a three-ton suv and then you're also gay it's like me in a three-ton bitch is what they're thinking literally and then i got to this gay cafe and first of all did not bring my laptop charger and i was like oh my god i have to ask someone and i was like is it weird to ask someone to borrow a laptop charger at a cafe very weird and i i conferred with a friend of mine and they said no it's totally fine you can ask someone to borrow a laptop charger and i was like says a friend that's trying to set you up for it was many friends it was many friends noted yes notice i didn't ask you um yeah i feel like i feel like it's normal but you have to be prepared for a

no answer in Dallas it's all gay guys in this neighborhood and they all dress like Ness it's not Helen Park bitch it's Oak Lawn retard they all dress like Ness

from Nintendo like it's insane there were like five gay guys and they were all dressed exactly like Ness from Nintendo. It's insane. There were five gay guys and they were all dressed exactly like Ness. They have propeller hats on. I'm not even kidding. They're so infantile. It was crazy.

I didn't want to ask any of them because they hate when someone isn't 0% body fat and muscular like them. I was not even going to interact. So I asked some Asian girl and she got scared. She got scared. I was like, oh, fuck my life.

And then some white barista with a man bun and McDonald arch ass hairline so receding tongue popped at me. I was like, do you have juices? And he was like, archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar archnar chance i'm about to be a black woman yes it was so beyond offensive because i'm like not only are you appropriating the language to look you said as a proud black woman myself you're also appropriating being annoyed at your job from black women for being incredibly irritable while working

we don't got no damn juices girl it was so frustrating I had to say the serenity prayer. I literally said the serenity prayer. What's the serenity prayer? Can you say it now? God grant me God let me accept the things I cannot change. No, no, no, no, no. You can say it. Let's hear it.

God grant me the strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't change. Not true. Wrong. Absolutely wrong. Shut up. He got the gist of it.

First of all, you were never in some kind of 12-step program. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Because you're reading it now. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. You have the eyes of a liar and a criminal, but I mean, if you... What up, bitch? So you said that prayer to yourself,

like you were like, God, please make sure I don't kill this guy. Yes. Please make sure I don't kill this guy. Yes, and then he was yapping the entire time while I was pretending to work on my dead laptop, monologuing so loud behind the barista stand as if we were all ticketed members to his one-woman show.

It was heinous. What was he saying? I will be honest. What the diva child? My boss laid down the boots house. Stuff like that. I hate when people are in a position to be funny where they don't

need to be. It's like when air stewardesses get on the megaphone and they try making like, they just think they're so fucking funny. Sometimes I do think it's funny when stewardesses do it. No, I never think it's funny. Stewardesses, it's different because it's kind of like an open, it's like an open

mic, you know? It's like they have your attention, they have a microphone. You have to listen to them. And you are literally captive on the plane. Like a cafe. I could have left the LGBTQIA plus cafe with AAVE barista. Yeah. I could have left.

Plus, air stewardesses, they have the same thing that they have to go through. And it's fun sometimes seeing how each one spices it up. Yeah, for sure. For sure. No, no, no, no no no i i detest this i detest the spicing up i'm like i would not go to a comedy show rarely there's i rarely go to comedies right but but why do we need to don't subject us to your little heinous it's a it's a war crime honestly whoa that's escalated quickly and also it's like in this

climate today we don't need to hear jokes in this climate what are you talking about in the climate of planes crashing yes I'm like sure they should be somber they should take off their hats and say I'm sorry to everyone

I would feel honestly I would feel a lot more comfortable if the stewardesses were actively afraid. If they were scared. They had parachutes on when you got into the plane. If they were scared and they were wearing parachutes

and they were running around screaming and praying and begging for their mommies, I would feel a lot more comfortable because that is actually reflecting the real life situation that planes are falling out of the goddamn sky all the time.

They're like crossing their fingers and they're like, here's hoping. I don't want to hear no damn jokes, y'all. Y'all better be begging for your damn life on the plane. All seriousness, I have a solution. Let's hear it.

The entire Stewart industry is fired. I used to know a guy named Stewart Industry, by the way. My sugar daddy. The whole industry is gutted and replaced completely by nuns and religious women. Hear me out. So just stewardesses are fired.

They're not flying the plane. That's fine. So just Stuart... Oh, my God. Stop calling me right now. Who's calling you? Hey, I'm recording, Jilly. I love you. Oh, hey, Jilly.

Do you think Jock is going to remember his thought, Hessa? What do you think? No. I'm going with no. Jilly, I can't talk. What in the hell? I'm going with no. He's not going to remember what he's saying. What the hell? Why'd she hang up after I said,

Jilly, I can't talk. I'm recording. I'm recording right now. Jock, continue with your thought, please. Continue with your thought, please, Diva. Continue. I just think that we should. Continue with your thought, please, Diva. Continue. I just think that we should have all of the airplanes gutted, remove all of the stewards. Cuts all the chairs, all the airplanes.

No, get rid of all the air stewardess and replace them with nuns and religious women. Well, here's my question. No, shut up. And then they, instead of getting to be comedians, they get to proselytize. So they get to do what they were brought on this earth to do. They get to travel more often.

And then these other air shooters can finally pursue comedy because they're so dead set at fucking making a ha-ha-hoo-hoo. Well, I was going to say, I think that would be, I would rather have a stewardess who's gonna try and like help when there's a crap i guess there's not really much they can do why would a nun help you know what here's a fun here's a fun idea for a plane what if all the seats were facing backwards the other way and out the windows there were these like um you know like a roman slave ship with all the oars going out the sides and a guy

banging a drum and everyone has to row. I like that. I like that. Wouldn't that be fun? That would be very fun. I don't know. Breaking news. If you guys didn't hear this, there was a plane that caught fire

in Denver at the Denver International Airport. I saw this crazy photo. No one died. This crazy photo of everyone walking out on the wing of the plane. And I was like, girl, the way I would immediately

launch myself off that wing and sue the hell out of American Airlines. Are you kidding me? I would know. I would ballerina dive off of the fucking...'s what you do ready here's the here's the plan here's what you do yeah take off your shoes you're in socks and then when it's time to leave you tell the steward uh the stewarder um i need to get my shoes back on and they will tell you to your face there's not time you can't put your shoes on and then you get on the wing and then you

slip and fall off yes exactly into them for like a billion dollars okay i have a question for you guys say you're on a plane it's crashing you know this is just a little hypothetical here you know you're not going to die you will die. But there's going to be a plane crash. At the end of it, you'll be paid out either through a lawsuit or through the airline. Do you go on the plane? Knowing it'll crash, you won't die, but you'll probably get a little bit of money in the end. No. Well, I get injured.

Like, how badly will I get injured? No injury. No injury. No injury? Yeah. I'm getting on the plane. No. No.

So what? So you can be more, yeah. I'm getting on the plane. Are you kidding? No. So what? So you can be more frightened of aerial planes? Come on. If it's guaranteed that I won't die. Guaranteed you won't die. Guaranteed no physical injury. Maybe some mental, of course, anguish and trauma. You would be traumatized to ever...

You're describing a roller coaster then. Right, right, right. That's better because you make money. It's going to be thrilling and you're going to get out okay and jock you get to be on tv what about that part sorry that part's major sorry you can't sell me on that because i'm not gonna have the main way that i travel i was about to i was about to ask like would my stuff get destroyed but i could just i know there's gonna be a crash so i just wouldn't bring anything by the way exactly by the way if if if there was some kind of emergency landing situation you best believe i'm holding to holding on to my laptop like under my shirt in my

stomach or or swimming with it above my head why ocean? In the ocean. Because I'm keeping it. I'm not letting this, just because the plane crashes doesn't mean I'm not keeping my laptop. Wouldn't it be so scary to just be in the ocean? Wouldn't it be so scary to be in a crashing plane and Jock is next to you?

I'd fucking kill myself. Wait, does the plane crash in this scenario? Jock would get so overstimulated by a plane crash, he would like punch a woman that was sitting next to him. Like just sock her in the face.

I think Jacques, either that or Jacques would just shut down and not move and people would have to carry him off the plane. He would start spinning in circles so fast that the plane would become a helicopter and he'd save the day. He is saving everyone's life. First of all, I would... Tasmanian devil spinning around. Helicopter style legs.

Yes, exactly. I don't think I... Do you guys have any theories as to why the planes keep crashing? I know we've talked about it before, but as someone who is constantly on an incredibly cheap flight to a third-tier city for no reason.

You don't even take Frontier. How do you know what I take? Why do you say that with such confidence? Because I suggested you take a Frontier and you were like, I do not take that. I try not to because it's actually not even that good of a budget airline. I prefer Spirit.

You want to see something though, bitch. You want to see something, though, bitch? You want to see something, Jock? I have a Frontier flight booked, mama. I am flying Frontier. Period. Read it and weep. If you can read. Read the flight number.

Read it on the show. But I mean, it is disturbing. It um my confidence in air travel is at an all-time low do you guys have any theories as to why the planes are crashing and blowing i was gonna say yeah i've never taken a budget airline but what i picture is like you know in the live action scooby-doo movie yes when they're taking the flight and Scooby's dressed like an old woman and they're on that plane that's what I picture

so what it's like is Scooby was hot then Scooby Doo is so sexy I'm not afraid to say it the chairs are made they're plastic lawn chairs essentially they are incredibly lightweight there's always someone with their The chairs are made, they're like plastic lawn chairs, essentially.

They are incredibly lightweight. There's always someone with their shoes and socks fully off. I took a Spirit Airline flight to Las Vegas once, and a young man was playing rap music on his Bluetooth speaker at full volume yeah that's what i think the main thing is the bluetooth speaker and the groups of frat guys being like let's go vacation yeah yeah throwing a hacky sack at each other's heads as hard as they can or whatever yeah well that's why steward airlines never crash because they're stress tested from all of the fighting and bluetooth reverberations etc um it'd be funny if it's going like stress tested from all of the fighting and bluetooth reverberations etc it'd be funny if it's going like all around the inside of the plane and like it's all this like

chaos like increase in chaos going on and then you see in one corner of the plane it's james bond with his hands up and like a guy's like end of the line mr bond and he has literally pointed at him yeah literally that's for the next airplane movie if they make another one. Use that if you want. I'm wondering, do you guys have any theories as to why the planes keep getting fucked up? I mean, I'd love to hear what you think. I categorize that under super volcano. Keep going.

Same folder. Too scary. I don't like to think too much about those things falling out i yeah i'm like i'm like i'm like how does auntie ann's make their pretzels taste so good it's the butter like i'd rather think about you know it's like oh like what's lucy lou's favorite flavor of ice that's i don't know but the ans thing is really scary to me though too because it's like how much butter must how many calories yeah right right right um i think i think honestly it's just the planes are old or fun answer the earth's magnetic field is disappearing

how's that interesting i like that how's that like that that's interesting wait it's magnetic field is disappearing jock. Did you hear about this? Yeah. God, why do you always come up with new ways to frighten me? We're not going to be protected from asteroids anymore. It's really messed up. Actually, there is an asteroid heading to Earth. And the... The chances went back down. No, they're back up, Diva.

They're back up. They're at 100% that it's going to hit us. It's 100% it's going to hit us in the next five minutes. Yeah, it's actually 110... Shut the fuck up! The chance is at 110 percent because the asteroid is giving its all. Oh my god, I'm looking at the numbers. I'm looking at the numbers. New data is in.

It is headed straight for the Saint Street neighborhood. Stop! Can we talk about the bomb threat that was the actual bomb threat in your neighborhood the other day? So my mom calls me and she's like, you know what's going on in your neighborhood right now? Duck, honey.

My sweet baby boy. Duck, please. She didn't even say it like that. And I was honestly offended. She was like, watch out, bitch. She was just kind of like, hey, you know what's going on in your neighborhood right now? I was like, what? A crawfish boil?

A sale on Boudin? And she's like, no. There's an active bomb uh a guy basically a meth head type guy basically made a bomb out of a gatorade cooler that had fun that had yeah i don't really i didn't seem like he had like there was no like statement of intent there was no like i you know it seemed kind of just having fun with his friends he had a few drinks smoked some meth and was like yo i'm going on bomb.com let's build a damn mom y'all let's set this thing up in the backyard y'all know those orange gatorade

coolers yeah yeah that you dump on a the coach after a game that you dump on the coach after you win the game um that was what it was made of but covered in duct tape and every line of duct tape had a line of shotgun shells around the circumference so it looked fucked up

and I think someone was just on the way to fucking school and saw it it was placed directly in front of his own house. So insane. Do you think, imagine after a football game, you win the big game and you just put that over the coach's head and set it off.

Maybe that's probably what it was for. Yeah. Yeah. And he got, he got charged with a $15,000 fee of like, maybe disturbing the peace, but create, he does not go into jail no no wait wait it gets crazier the the actual fee for him making a bomb was only the the the the cost was like the not the cost but the charge that came with it was only like five thousand dollars that's kind of wild sorry is he not going to jail i'm i'm gonna i'm looking back at the uh

well i heard he is a really great lawyer okay okay here we go so um a lafayette man was arrested tuesday after a bomb was found it at his residence off congress street and this is like real quick that's a really shitty bomb like that sounds like that bomb like sucked it's barely a bomb honestly no it was just a bunch of like bullets and tannerite like there there didn't seem to be any kind of... That's a meth head bomb. Yes. There was, of course, no timing apparatus, nor was there a fuse, I believe. I think he just put a bunch of shit into a Gatorade cooler and was planning to shoot at it

to ignite it. There's no mechanisms, no fail-safes. I would build a way better bomb than that. You know what the Unabomber used to do? He used to carve all of the parts of his bombs out of wood. Because he was like, I love nature. Yeah, because he's like, I love nature so much.

I'm hand carving every single element of this bomb out of wood. Okay, wait, just so we're clear. Yes, D.Va? These are the names. There's actually two people arrested in this. One aged 43 and one aged 34. Okay, so we

swapped each other's ages around. Get ready for these fucking names because I am 43 and I'm 34. Tibidoo, Tibidoo, Tibidoo the 4th has been charged with building a bomb. The code to our bomb is either

one, two, three, four, or fourth, two, three, two, one. Me and Ben invented a Cajun character named Tibido Tibido Tibido the fourth. Honorable Tibido Tibido Tibido.

Be all the Tibidos. Go ahead, Jock. These are the real names. Age 43, Michael Mayo. Spelled M-A-U. No, wait. M-A-Y. M-A-Y-E-X-E-U-X. Right, yes.

Mayo. One of them Mayos is boys. One of them Mayos is boys is building another bomb, y'all. That's the guy who's 43. One of them mayos is boys is building another bomb, y'all. That's the guy who's 43. The guy who's 34's name. Peepy Gonsolin IV. The guy who's 34's name is Corey Minor, spelled K-O-R-Y. That is the gayest meth head name of all time.

M-I-N-O-R. Gay meth head names. Gayest meth head name of all time. M-I-N-O-R. Gay meth head names. Corey spelled K-O-R-E-Y. The other penultimate gay meth head name is Dakota. Spelled D-A-K-O-T-A-H.

Yeah, the H is really key there. Oh my God. So they arrested one. The one guy got arrested with the charge of manufacturing possession of a bomb comma fake explosive device. Yeah. And then which I feel like is a damn stupid to build a real bomb.

That's what I'm saying. Then the other guy was arrested for sale distribution possession of legend. I'm not of legend drug without and then it cuts off i think legend is maybe a way of scheduling drugs like it's a legendary drug yeah it's rich when you get the loot drop in a video game it's purple like in fortnite can y'all explain can we talk about something really relevant in culture right now?

Why is the child gagged, T, because the cis? Exactly. It's something that can't really be explained. It's more of a feeling. It's more of a vibe. It's more of a mindset. It's one of those intangible things. It's just the mood. Could you use it in a sentence?

No. Fortnite kind of fell off. Have you noticed that? I'm not playing it. I know, but I feel like that's the only reason I think that, though. That's simply because I'm not in my apartment

and haven't been for about a month. But if I was there, of course I'd be playing Fortnite. Fortnite is just never going away. Yeah. Never is Grand Theft Auto 5. It's just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until it's subsumed all of media, probably. What else do we want to talk

about today? Do you guys want to go to the movies with me later and see the new Fortnite pack? Yeah, it's going to be in the future. And yeah, I'm buying a freaking ticket, y'all y'all yeah see that's what i was about to say why why would you think fortnite is going down when they're just got new pack after new pack after new pack right it's true i haven't bought any skins on it in a while which is good because i've spent a terrible amount of like 200 maybe i just want to say i want to say a quick thank you to everyone

who helped me officially ratio the Sniffies app on Twitter. Thank you guys so much for doing that. I responded to a tweet of theirs and mine got more likes, which means it's a ratio. I just want to say thank you to everyone who joined that movement.

We couldn't have done it without you. I just responded with a gif of a growling wolf to one of their terrible jokes. And yeah, I mean, we couldn't have done it without all of you out there. I am sorry for lying about it being my birthday, but I did need to do whatever was possible to juice

engagement and likes so I could vanquish sniffies once again. I mean, I'm really just owning them online and it feels amazing. It really feels great. I don't know if you guys saw this, but they did release an official

app, which I am not using and will not use. It is no longer a desktop only. How could they swing that? Did they get rid of all the dick profile pictures? I'm not sure. Why would they have to get rid of the dick profile pictures? Because I think the app store

doesn't allow you to be... I'm going to download it right now and see. Oh lord. Oh lordy. I have something else in prominent gay news. Yes? Double Scorpio the company has folded after a massive... What is that? What's Double Scorpio, the company, has folded after a massive... What is that?

What's Double Scorpio? I just feel like sometimes you people don't even know what's going on in the gay world. I mean, you're right. You suck dick for a living, Ben. And then Hessa... No, I don't. I do this for a living. Yeah, but I mean, like, you become alive once you are in the presence of dick.

You've never seen me in the... What are you dick. You've never seen me in the... What are you talking about? You've never seen me in the... I'm just being like... I got a dick, man. You don't want to see me. You don't want to see me when I'm not there. No, I don't want to see that,

but I'm just saying seeing you the next day and how you act seems like you're much cheerier. Okay, you can't use it for free. Sorry, what can I say? I'm a huge stud. People love me. I'm constantly having sex. You would be so good I'm a huge stud. People love me. I'm constantly having sex. You would be so good at being a lesbian stud.

I just feel like if you could just transmasc. I would love to be a stud. They're so cool. I had a stud with her last night. She loved her job. She was so happy. She looked amazing. Eyebrow slit.

Polo. Fat ass. Making a lot of money at this fake French restaurant in Dallas. Had a great pate. She was iconic. I loved her. But yes, I would love to be a stud. If I could press a button and become any

micro LGBTQ identity, I think it would be stud. Or? You kind of look transmasc. Maybe. Well, yes, it's well covered. If you could press a button and you would become...

Dust. The fattest man in the world, but you get so Hessa, hold on a second do you think that that's fair that Ben suddenly gets to be fatter than me you'd be so jealous that would immediately

that would not only even though it would be the lowest point of my life, I'd be borderline suicidal if I was fatter than you it would truly, for me, be the worst thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. But you would still be

jealous because I am just some quantifiable amount of something more than you. Four facts if Ben surpasses me in weight. Four facts, BuzzFeed. Four facts if Ben surpasses Jacques in weight. Okay of all. Four facts. BuzzFeed. Four facts if Ben Zabez is shocking weight. Okay, what are the four facts?

First one, you'll throw off the entire feng shui of the podcast. My weight balanced with your two already's weight. It's like, it has to be at this level. It'd be like if Hesedee transitioned. Or it'd be like if you packed too much on the airplane. Or if you could complete a sentence.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Okay, okay, okay. Third fact. If you were any fatter than you are right now, it would literally change... Well, it would make the magnetic poles of Earth go astray.

Which they already are. They already are. Gravity would fuck up. Maybe as long as I need to get fat. Yeah, if they told you listen, Ben. The magnetic fields, the magnetic poles of the earth are disappearing.

We're going to be fucked unless you gain 400 pounds. No, no, no. You wouldn't do it? No, no, no. Yeah, go fuck yourselves. You wouldn't do it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, go fuck yourselves. I don't fucking care.

I'm not putting on 400 pounds. That'd be above 500 pounds. I'd put me at 501 pounds because yes, I weigh 101 pounds. I tried to Google search fat Ben Mora, but it auto-corrected to fag Ben Mora because I guess I've typed that in my phone so many times.

You are so obsessed with me. You're mad at Ben, and you search Fag Ben Mora on Google. I just found the funniest. I searched Fat Ben Mora in the picture. There surely can't be a result for that. Yeah, come on. The first picture is so funny.

I've never seen this edit of with Bernie looking angry. Yeah, I mean, that's the Daily Beast. Yeah, that's the headline, the cover image. I mean, I loved that. It was very Bernie scowling. At least they didn't choose an ugly picture for you. While the screen cap tweet was on my way to cyber bully. Also a little confused about this image for Fat

Ben Moore, but well, I'm not you think I'm not famous, Jock? I don't know. Someone said you might be famous to me last night, so I would have to assume that definitely makes it if someone thinks I'm sorry, yourself in the mirror.

No, you might be. You're fine, Jock! You're fine! makes it. If someone thinks I'm sorry, yourself in the mirror? No. Some fat ball guy. You're fighting me, y'all! I'm fighting you, it's not me! Some fat ball guy in my bathroom told me I'm fucking famous, y'all. The idea of me. I love the idea of me. Talking to yourself in the mirror and forgetting that it's you, it would

1000% be something. But you would get mad and you'd be like, who are you to talk to me like that? Fuck you. I love reshaping my entire life with the narrative that I'm constantly talking to someone and they're telling me to do all these things, but really it's just me.

That's like the plot line of a horror movie by M. Night Shyamalan. It's also known as thinking and being conscious as well. Well, you know I don't do that. No. I exist in a permanent state of unconsciousness. Yeah, what were we talking about? We were talking about getting hit in the head with a frying pan

and the permanent results to your brain and the way they behave. Have you been hit in the head with a frying pan before? Are you kidding me? This noggin's been hit, hit, hit. I don't know if that's it's totally something that could happen to you. Yeah. Yes, I've been hit in the head with a frying pan. What happened? Well, it just fell from the, I was a dishwasher

and it fell from the top. Right, right, right. Yeah. I was working at a place, La Pizzeria. It fell from the top. I was working at a place called La Pizzeria as a dishwasher we passed it and i said that was the first job i had and they had this really shitty shelf that every plate and every pan every pot from the entire restaurant was stacked on that was directly behind the dish pit that was and it was like tom and jerry it fell and became a ramp that put them all under your head. No, no, no. It was rusting,

and the shelf would literally disintegrate at the bottom, and dishes would fall off and hit me in the head. That's horrible. And one day I complained to the owner, and then she hired her cousin and said that contractors were coming in to fix it, and he literally grabbed a hammer and pretended to hit it gently.

The shots at gay bars are so big. You're hungover? Yes, I'm currently hungover. You look like you're struggling. It is insane. When you ask a gay guy at a gay bar to give you a shot of tequila

and they hand you back a fucking goblet and then you have to do it because you don't want to be a bitch and then you get more drunk it was i'm like and then you get roasted by a obese mexican drag queen for being white yeah is that what happened was there like a drag performance going on and they did crowd work on you yeah she actually didn't roast me we were we were queening out um she did make fun of me for being white of course but it was all in good fun um i said that really triggers something inside of ben i've seen this happen no it was extreme it's extremely validating of course i saw this woman in new orleans yelling at ben one being like, you white gays get so upset about...

And then Ben started spitting fire. I know exactly what you're talking about. He started spitting fiery Spanish words out of his mouth. He was like, Oh, I've seen Ben do that. He literally sounded like that Arca song where she's like rapping. And she's like, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This girl's splitting. But no, it was iconic. I love Mexican drag queens. They're so funny. And I don't like drag really. I don't get it. But there's something about the way Mexicans do it that is just like iconic to me.

They're more like vaudevillian with it. Yeah. And they do so much crowd work. And I just feel like the music makes more sense. The Brazilian ones too. The Brazilian ones are iconic, of course. Yeah, then I went to the famous Roundup Saloon, which I know Jock, you've been to as well.

No, I don't think I have. Did we go there together? Yeah, we've been to Roundup Saloon, which I know Jock, you've been to as well. No, I don't think I have. Did we go there together? Yeah, we've been around it before. It's a square dancing gay bar. No, I remember last time I couldn't get in. Oh, that's right. Because you had a giant purse with you. I was so pissed off.

You had a few crashed out at some gay bouncer. I just want to really quickly bring this up. I've had several, I hate to use this phrase, but crashing out or freak out meltdowns. And it's always because... I like freak out meltdown better. Yeah, I'm having freak out meltdowns. Let me say it.

I'm having freak out meltdowns. Steam came out of your ears. Because I'm being encouraged by all of my friends and peers and the fashion world to get Telfar bags. Wear Telfar bags. No one is encouraging you to do that. Shut up. This guy in my bathroom is telling me, keep getting these Telfars. You gotta keep doing it.

I love the idea of me just going to the bathroom. That fat bald man in my bathroom is so evil. He's telling me to spend all my money on Telfar. And he dresses like shit, too. Every time I see him, he's dressed like a piece of shit. He's so hot. He's high out of his fucking watch.

He's so hot. We once jacked off watching each other. It was the hottest thing I ever seen. It was so romantic. I know we fight, but we do jack off looking at each other in the eye and the mirrors together. But he does look strangely a lot like... So for the record, Doc, I do want to say that everyone in your life, your friends, your family, your peers, are actively telling you to stop buying Telfar.

Yeah, probably stop buying Telfar bags. Yes. No, no. Okay, great. Great defense. No, no, no. The shoes that you keep buying. No one's telling you to buy those. Actually, you know what? I have not. I have stopped

buying. I'm not going to stop wearing my Yeezy shoes. The Yeezy swastika shirt. But I have not been wearing a Yeezy swastika shirt, you fucking little bitch. I was just asking. It was a question. It was a question. No, you just accused me of having fake short hair.

It was a question. No wonder you're sipping on, you Stuart little faggot. You said no wonder you're sipping on because I just took a sip of a mug. Ben would bitch about the size of a shot, but he's literally like Stuart Little sized drinking thimbles of alcohol

that would get a child drunk or get you drunk. She couldn't get a child drunk. Believe me, y'all, I've tried to get a child drunk with these little thimbles. This ain't even enough to get your sexy nephew drunk. This won't even get your nephew drunk, y'all.

A sexy child wouldn't even get drunk all that much. You'll get drunk before he does, and then he'll take advantage of you. He'll pull down your pants and draw a face on your butt. Take a picture of me. Ain't worth it, y'all. You two are a couple snakes in the desert. Don't want to run into you.

You really should stop buying Telfar. I think it's too much. No, no, no, no, no. Look, I'm just telling you, though. It's very extremely stressful that I've finally found a way to show people that I've made it, which is having a Telfar. And then...

I mean, they're not... It's not like a birthday. Shut up! It's not like that. They're not prohibitively expensive. It's like they're not prohibitive it's like a $100 bag how many Telfars do you have Hessa none how many Telfars do you have Ben

none but I know Telfar well then shut the fuck up about what you know about Telfar I've been to his house multiple times I'm so sorry that you and Telfar have kissed on the lips so many times he thinks I'm a freaky little white boy but I have partied at his house multiple times and had dinner with him

he went to his birthday party because he worked for it you were a waiter this has been a fucking making a situation yes because I was such an iconic waiter they said come party with us and then I got invited back again and again and again he had an all waiter birthday it was him and all-waiters. Yes.

Don't wait. Not the spiders. Why did you say spiders? What? I thought she said something about spiders. Even if she did, why would that be funny? Why would it be funny? Not the spiders, y'all. You've been seeing them too.

Oh, not the spiders coming back'all. You've been seeing them too. I thought Ben was making fake details up about a party that had happened. I said you're spiteful. And then I said waiters at the same time. And that's probably what you thought. You are so messed up in the head, dude. Shut the fuck up. So messed up. I misheard one thing.

Look, let me just bring it back again it's very frustrating to have this one this one beautiful accessory meant to be brought into public and it literally be the thing that people say you can't come into here cause your rectangle

is too big fuck you right what do you usually have in your bag, though? Right. Anything of concern for them? Knives, guns. I usually have a vape, an inhaler, a bottle of hypo-cleans,

or not hypo-cleans, of HCL, hypochlorous acid. That's just a spray on your face. It's not bad for you. I'm just spraying acid on my face. I acid attack myself sometimes for attention at the club. I bring a bottle of whatever perfume.

He would. Oh my god, my skin's burning off. Will someone sex me? My beautiful face. Big kitty rockabilly would please come wash this acid off of me, y'all. I'm sorry, Jacques. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. That's the least of my problems, you two. I'm trying to think of a mean cartoon character comparison for you two. Yeah, don't make it easier for me by looking straight into the camera. Oh, my God. I'm trying to think of a mean cartoon comparison for both of us. We got Dudley Dog and Blueberry Hound.

What the hell is that? Blueberry Hound? Is that the dog that goes like... That's Dudley. Okay, that's Dudley Dog. I have no idea what you're talking about. That's what I'm calling you. Blueberry Dog.

That's not a real thing. That's not a real thing. That's not a real thing. Blueberry dog. That's something the man in the mirror told you, Jock. Blue cartoon dog is what you're looking at, right? Huckleberry hound. Huckleberry hound. Huckleberry hound.

Oh, wait. Let's get back to double Scorpio, Jock. Will you continue telling us about that? Yes. Actually, this is really important. So, Double Scorpio is gay people's answer to artisanal poppers. It's so stupid. First of all...

Sorry, say that again. It's gay people's answer to artisanal poppers. Yes, there was a... Gay people love to make everything artisanal. So, this is not an answer to... Sorry, I'm just trying to... This is an artisanal. So this is not an answer to... Sorry. I'm just trying to... This is an artisanal poppers company.

Yes. Got it. What makes them artisanal? They do different flavors. That is disgusting. Yeah, scent profiles like... One was leather. Lavender.

They had a brat-themed one. They are getting stupid they are rotting their brains that's this is the thing it probably it probably looks like an abandoned anthill in that fucking brain with the amount of holes has been shot through it by these leather scented poppers my god this is the thing if you're you're already buying poppers which are literally amyl nitrate which is like fingernail polish remover does it need to smell like anything else than chemical I'd actually prefer

it to smell like a chemical I don't want it's like how they made antifreeze stop tasting like soda yeah I hate that I hate that that really is true antifreeze used to taste very sweet and delicious and they had to add

something to it yeah yeah i'm sure all of our listeners know who double scorpio is and i'll and this morning the fda raided their offices and um oh i have the notice here can i read the notice yeah they're dismantling their hey y'all double scorpio has stopped all operations following a search and seizure at our offices by the FDA. We don't have a lot of information to share, but we believe the FDA has performed similar actions towards other companies recently. Thank you to everyone who has supported us these last eight years. We've always cared about making an authentic product and being engaged in supporting our community. We are very proud that we managed to build a brand that people can trust, and we don't want to see that trust exploited.

The links listed here will be the only channels we will communicate from going forward. Thanks everyone and remember to keep supporting queer business, creators, and your local queens. Can I please follow that up with reading someone's Instagram caption about this?

Yeah. It's a free episode. I'm sorry if this was you. I'm sorry. I don't know who it is a free episode so whatever i'm sorry if this is you but i'm sorry if it's not whatever no i don't think it's i don't know who it is personally no i'm fine to flame a gay stranger i don't care i don't know i don't know who you are but look yeah let me just say before i even read this i'm like how dare you just try to try to use instagram you've you fucking faggots could walk around talking about how you want the fucking socialist revolution to happen and then

you're buying or wasting your money on fucking artisanal poppers. I don't understand that line of thought, but continue. You've got to tear the capital down, not boots the house down, y'all. I just love that the same people that are like capitalism is so profoundly evil are the same people that are signed up for a yearly

popper tasting like they need like multiple popper bottles that's not that crazy to me anyway look a lot to chew on here makes me think about the pitfalls of visibility most of my heart goes out yeah because you've been doing so many poppers

you're blind bitch that's the pitfalls of visibility poppers made you're blind, bitch. That's the pitfalls of visibility. The pitfalls of visibility. The poppers made you blind, honey. My heart goes out to Double Scorpio. Those guys built a company from a Facebook group to something hugely successful. Oh, wait. What was the Facebook

group? I mixed grape flavoring into my poppers, and it smells like shit. I was trying to make grape Kool-Aid, and I accidentally spilt it in my poppers while I was having butt sex. And it just smelled so good. Okay, wait. So these guys built a company from a Facebook group.

And then it says in parentheses, if you know, you know. To something hugely successful in less than 10 years. They supported many artists along the way, including myself. Sold a quality product and kept it funny the whole time. I'm sorry, but if a business folds, I'm not going to be crying about poppers. Stop crying about the spilled poppers. Buy a new bottle. There's still bottles out there.

Get a grip. Grow up. If you can't get fucked without poppers then maybe you should be having sex snaps snaps for that this has been i'm sorry i'm snapping i didn't use poppers till i was at least yes i didn't use poppers and sex actually particularly till probably i was like 25 or 26 and before that time i had to take some of the biggest dicks in my entire life yes with ease and not even without lubricant and i'm and i'm like and you people can't even fucking do it without sniffing your so valid this is actually word for word the speech that hitler gave in the beer in the beer hall

that got everyone to do the revolt also ben i want you to explain yourself everyone to do the revolt. Also, Ben, I want you to explain yourself. Okay. I've collected a piece of evidence from your story and I found it to be very disturbing, to be questionable. Lay it on me, bitch.

I found that you had posted this picture and then you need to explain yourself right now what kind of sick pervert shit you have going on in your story. It was a gay man that I saw last night. It's just a photo of a beautiful gay man's body. With a Texas flag. Texas flag leather

thong. A Texas flag leather thong and that's kind of beautiful because a leather thong is kind of shaped like Texas. Yes. Wow. Yes. That's so true. I didn't even think about that. What does that even have to, what is it? They should put that little rectangle going up too. Yeah.

What are you, a poet? Why are you mad that I posted a photo of a man? You're jealous. I'm not jealous. No, I'm not jealous. I said,

I texted Kyla in the middle of the night. I saw this screenshot. I texted Kyla. I said, can you believe those gay people? They are just getting so crazy right now. And she said, I know. I know. They're going crazy in Dallas.

They're going crazy. I just went out one night. It's not that insane. How is Linda Ronstadt? It was Lucinda Williams, you stupid little blonde bitch. You stupid bitch I hope you get punched in the face

with a boxing glove full of lead you stupid bitch I hope you bite into an egg sandwich from the deli and there's a piece of metal in there a screw and it makes your teeth all clear so Jock did get to see Lucinda Williams

I was not able to go. I have seen her life before, thank God. This would have been absolutely crushing if I had not seen her life before. But Jock did get to see her sold-out show in Lafayette, Louisiana. And Jock was absolutely trashing her, not paying attention to the show,

texting me things like, she looks like the Jimmy. Wait, not the Jimmy., texting me things like she looks like the Jimmy. Wait, not the Jimmy. I mean the mummy. She looks like the mummy. She's so old. She's looking like the Jimmy here, y'all. Okay, I'm really sorry. I didn't know she had had a stroke. Do you know how old she is? 72. Okay, what do you think you're going to look like at 72

if you make it? Well, of course. Jack's going to have a double stroke. I'm just going to tell you right now. He's gonna have a double stroke i'm just gonna tell you right now if i look like let's let us three do some really quick simple math and his penis let's do some really just real simple equation here if i already look like this at this age no telling what the fuck i'll look like why can't you go a little easy on uh also it's lucinda williams her whole thing is being chewed up spit out by the world you know she's not she's never been a like i did feel really bad for her like card you wanted to have a bbl no what do you

expect her to look like look look i'm just saying the buy-in is the last time rugged and real and raw i had not seen a picture of her since i have a signed picture of her and i that was the last picture i've seen of her that i had seen of her period i you know i hadn't seen any pictures what she looked like as an older woman and it's shocking she did really she also doesn't look that bad. I just want to say I'm really glad that I didn't bring the poster that was of her sign when she was younger to try to show

her. Why would you do that? What kind of plan would that be? I was going to get her to sign it again? I mean, that would be... A double signed poster. I feel like you would want to bring a poster that she hasn't already signed, you know?

Well, then I tried to find what car wheels on a gravel road on vinyl or CD, and they sold out around town. What's your favorite Lucinda Williams album, Jock? Car wheels on a gravel road. Metal Fryer Cracker. Too cool to be forgotten. Metal Fryer Cracker.

It's Metal Fire Cracker. I said Metal Fryer Cracker. You said Fryer Cracker. Too cool to be forgotten. Metal Fryer Cracker. It's Metal Fire Cracker. I said Metal Fire Cracker. You said Fryer Cracker. Fryer Cracker was my priest growing up, y'all. Sorry, I got confused. Fryer Cracker. That should be the episode name. Fryer Cracker. Yes, I do love Car Wheels on a Gravel Road. I think

West is an amazing... I love West. The three... This is trifecta, right? Car Wheels on a Gravel Road, A World Without Tears, and West are

some of the best albums of all time. She was the blueprint. I mean... I've never really listened. She invented Lana. She invented Americana. She invented being.

That's Lana's mom? No. Why did you say she invented her then? It's Lana's inventor. Actually, Lana Del Rey is the name of the doctor. The monster is named something else. The doctor is just called Lana Del Rey's monster. What's Pinocchio's creator's name?

Pinocchio's name is Geppetto. I'm not getting back into you not being able to pronounce Pinocchio again. Absolutely destroyed my brain last time. Pinocchio's name is... His creator's name is Geppetto. Yeah. Oh, this is Pinocchio and Friar Cracker. Lucinda Williams used to be beautiful.

Lucinda Williams at the Grammys when she won for car wheels on a gravel road. It looks iconic. She has an amazing outfit on. And she's pretty. I think she's a very beautiful woman. Okay, prove it. Have sex with her right now. I would never do that to her.

Because I'm terrible in bed. Yeah, of course. I think she's beautiful. I'm an abusive monster when I get in the bed. Exactly. I want to say really quickly, I really do love Lucinda Williams. I understand that

she's just older and that's just how she looks. And she performed She performed incredibly. And was just, wow. Like, amazing. I was truly blown away for hearing an artist that doesn't seem like she's...

Did she play Lafayette since she was in Lafayette? Yeah, that was the first song she played. Oh, my sweet Lafayette. I love that song. She's talking about the boys of Lafayette. Do you remember when I sang that song at karaoke at Artmysphere and you were booing me and calling me a fake Cajun

from the crowd? It was very funny. Artmysphere is so funny. That's such a funny name. Artmysphere, I know. It's such a small town bar. I've been to Cafe Cottage and Artmysphere since i was 12

years old both of those bars started going i love a cafe cottage such a let's let's break down that freak scene that i have if you know that if i have to leave the table uh because someone's too big of a freak then they are like a certified Wait, can you tell this story? Certified. Stop! Friar. Certified. Friar Cracker. Certified Friar Cracker, y'all. Friar Cracker, y'all. Stupid! Certified.

Pray for me, Friar Cracker. Friar Cracker. Friar Cracker, please say a prayer for me. I'm buying an indulgence from Friar Cracker that means he gives you some fries he makes them I have sex with Friar Cracker so God will let me into heaven

tell us about this freak that made you leave the table it was actually two freaks it was one woman one woman who just was frightening enough who sat as close she was a big bitch two freaks but one woman who just was frightening enough who sat as close she was a big bitch two freaks but one woman she sat as close as she could to me

parallel not turning looking at me but not fully having her body turn she just sat next to you her scary friend no she did not just sit next to me she sat incredibly close to me and then

her and then her her her weird ass freaky gay friend sat even sat even closer she he sat directly behind this girl with his chair pointed directly at me looking at me like this and i just i they tried talking to me for like two seconds well it's because he wanted to scare you off because he wanted to talk to me which he did do it was very disturbing um he I heard so you think that never mind I'm not no continue I love how his logic here is like oh this this man just thought I was so beautiful he called He did literally call me beautiful after you left. Yeah, because people with meth would have sex with anyone. So don't feel special. That is true.

You're literally right about that. You're literally a piece of torn roadkill. Come on. What the hell? Whoa. Torn roadkill. Great Lucinda Williams song. Torn roadkill.

Literally would be a Lucinda Williams song. Torn Roadkill. Literally would be a Lucinda Williams song. No, he was completely cracked out. He asked me and Steven if we were related, and I said, no, we're boyfriends. But we're also brothers. And he was not disturbed by that at all.

He was just like, okay, cool. And I was like, what the hell? Yeah, that's the kind of bar that place is. Yeah, iconic bar. If you are ever in the Lafayette region, go to Cafe Cottage. The first time I ever tried to actually see a guy, I said, hey, you want to do some Molly in the

bathroom? I said, hell yeah. Older, gross-looking, disgusting-looking guy. And this guy literally went like this. Was it the man in your bathroom? Was it the first time you saw the first time you talked to the man in the bathroom? He offered me mollies somehow. Literally, it's just a fat

version of me from the future. It's just a fat version of me from the future giving my younger, skinnier self drugs saying, nothing wrong is going to happen, Chuck. Don't worry. Your body's never going to change. This guy said, do you want to do some Molly? I said, yes.

Followed him to the bathroom, closed the door. Then he does this. He dips his whole hand in his mouth like he's fisting his own mouth. Gross. And dips all of his fingers in his mouth. And then he dipped all of his fingers into the big bag of Molly. Yucky. And then was like, lick them off.

And I was like, oh well and i just without even yeah and i just i i didn't do it of course i didn't do it essentially i was just like and then you said why is some guy licking my hand why am i right now shut up stop it was not me talking to myself it was an older guy. Anyway, I licked that hand so quickly like you would eat a bite of food that you dropped on the ground that you want to eat really quickly. Something only you do. Something only

you do. That is not something only I do. I know people do the five second rule. Do you believe in that? If it's quick enough, I mean. No matter how dirty the floor. I'm sorry, but like what, like at this point,

like what else, what else is going to happen to me? You plane crash. Stop. Super volcano. I hate that man. Super volcano, direct asteroid hit on your head.

He's so lots of things. Jack, there's so many things that could happen to you. There's so many terrible things that could happen to you. You love to light my fire when you're hungover because you're upset about your body being broken from jet, from injecting yourself

with alcohol all night. Gunshots, stab wounds. Club. Club. Another club. Bullet to the head. Well, with that, y'all, let's wrap up. It's 56. You want to wrap up this early?

Guess who was late to work? It's an hour, mama. I was two minutes late. Six, four minutes late. Can you do math? You both are

done. If you want to hear more secret arrangements, I love you too, Hessa. you both are done alright there we go if you want to hear more secret arrangements I love you too Jock you look so cute and beautiful today also Jock the voodoo doll you made of me is at Kyla's house I did not take it with me

also the crown that was mine but I did give to you is also at Kyla's house so if you want those back talk to her and if you want more secret arrangements talk to her. And if you want more Seeking Derangements, go to patreon.com slash Seeking Derangements for bonus episodes.

Goodbye, everyone. We love you. Bye. Got to move on, never love a robin Oh, summer's gone, gotta move on Never love a robin Hear the thunder roaring Up in the sky Soon it'll be raining, baby Just watch my eyes And I said, baby, don't leave me.

I said, baby, don't leave me. Hey, hey, hey, what I say, never love a robin. Hey, hey, hey, what I say, never love a robin. Listen to me. Say, never, never, I've been Listen to me You said you loved me Right from the start You were just like an angel

Yes, you were living in my heart Stick with me, baby Hear what I say Just because I love you Baby, don't leave me this way I say, baby, don't leave me I say, baby, baby, don't leave me Hey, hey, hey, what I say

Never, never, I mean Hey, hey, hey What I say Never love a robin Oh, hey, hey, hey What I say Never love a robin Oh, it's all right Hey, hey, hey

Never love a robin Hey, hey, hey What I say Hey, hey, Robin What I say What I say